WHEREAS I have been a professor among the People called Shakers, and have zealously labored, both in public and private, (whereof many hundreds are witnesses) to promote and build up the profession; but have of late separated myself from that people, it seemed to me not unreasonable and no more than what might be justly expected, that I should shew some reason or cause for so doing. In order for this I shall endeavor to give a short account of my life and expe­riences, from my youth up to this time, including my manner of faith before I heard of this people, the manner of my en­tering in among them, and the faith I received in hearing their testimony, and my perseverence in it. Together with my tri­als and tribulations which I have had of late, which has effected my separation. Avoiding, if possible, every thing that may create or increase a spirit of hatred or envy against this people, for it is to be lamented there is a great deal too much already. But as it is my purpose and intention only simply to state my reasons, and submit the matter to God the judge of all, I hope it may give no offence, neither to Jew nor Gentile, nor to the Church of God.

To give a particular account of my life, and the exercises of my mind from the days of my infancy, would be a labor too tedious for me to endure at this time, as my health is much impaired by a continued series of afflictions But I shall only say, that from the time I began to know between good and evil, till I was about eighteen years of age, a great part of the time my mind was exercised with fearful and awful apprehen­sions of a future judgment; sometimes to that degree, that I could wish myself a toad or a snake or any thing that had no soul to exist in futurity. At length I was brought to expe­rience a change of sensation, the particulars of which may not be necessary to relate now. but I was made to love God for what he was in himself: I had such a sense of the love of God, through the Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation and happiness of his creatures, that I was no more afraid what he would do with me; but was determined to serve and obey God to the end of my days. Here I must observe one thing (as I mean to be an honest man) which I have made use of in support of one principle of faith, which I afterwards received among this people called Shakers—the thing I mean is this, I had obser­ved in the course of my life that one of the greatest things that operated upon the minds of young people, was a connection [Page 4]between male and female, the mode or manner in which it was carried on, (which is needless for me to relate) made it appear to me like an earthly sensual pleasure, so that when my heart was full of love to God, and was resolved to forsake all car­nal enjoyments, for the service of the Lord Jesus Christ, I though [...] I could never get a wife without laying aside my religion. This I observed to some of my friends at the time: But although I felt this fensation for myself, yet I did not doubt but what it might be right for men and women to marry and propagate their species; but whether I was overmuch righteous or not, is a matter I choose to leave for the present, and proceed farther, as to the change of sensation which I received. Doubtless it was thought by professed Christians in general, to be the new birth, or real conversion, by which the foul is entitled to the kingdom of Heaven: But as for my own part I never pretended to say whether it was or was not; but my hope of everlasting life was in loving the Lord Jesus Christ, and obeying his gospel—believing that what was contained in the scriptures was a sufficient rule to walk by, and by which I should be judged at the last day.

However, after some time, forgetting the commandments of the Lord Jesus Christ, to watch and pray always, or, at least, not attending to it, I became carnally minded, and lost, in a great measure, my confidence towards God, and that life and comfort which I had before enjoyed. At length, in the spring of the year 1780 I heard a rumour of a strange people at Nis­kauna, that was possessed of remarkable gifts and power, and held to strange doctrines, such as I had never heard before, one thing particular, which drew my attention, was the cross a­gainst the flesh (as it is called,) or denying all matrimonial con­nection between male and female, &c. This brought to my mind what I had felt before in myself; and I rather believed it must be of God, although I had never searched the scripture, to see if it was agreeable to the sacred record: But as num­bers of my friends and acquaintance soon went to see them, and brought back very wonderful reports which increased my faith, so that I was resolved to go and see them for myself; not doubting but what they were the people of God—at length, some time in July 1780, I went with a number of oth­ers to see them, at Niskauna, to hear and see for myself, and having an opportunity then, and from time to time, after I received the following principles of faith: viz. But first, I desire to be understood, what I am going to relate as the prin­ciples of my faith, is not what I suggested in myself, but what I really heard preached, either from the first ministers, or from others that were authorized by them to preach: that is, That the great and last day had began—that the Lord Jesus Christ had made his second appearance in that person which [Page 5]was called the mother—hat she was redeemed from all sin, and stood without fault before the throne of God—that the fulness of the Godhead dwelt in her bodily, as really as it did in the Lord Jesus Christ in his first appearance, and as much greater as his second appearance was to be greater than the first. I understood and believed that she was the woman spo­ken of in the 12th chapter of Rev. and in Jeremiah 31st chap. 2 [...]d verse, that as the Lord Jesus Christ was the second Adam, so she was the second Eve—that as the first Eve was first in the trans­gression which effected the fall of the human race, so she, as the second Eve, had the first gift & revelation of God, to effect com­pletely the restoration from the fall, which was to be redeemed and delivered wholly from the power, spirit, and nature, that produced natural generation, which was said to be the forbid­den fruit that was in the midst of the garden, that our first pa­rents were forbidden to touch upon pain of death. I believed that regeneration signified the resurrection from the dead, that Christ spoke of in Luke, 20th chapter, 35th and 36th verses. where he says, "But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, nei­ther marry nor are given in marriage, neither can they die any more, for they are equal unto the angels, and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection." I believed that the mother with some others which were with her, stood completely in the resurrection, and were equal unto the angels, and were conversant and familiar with invisible beings in a spiritual world, and that they were not subject to any natural disorders or infirmities which were incident to the rest of mankind—I believed that God had given them the spirit and power of judgment, to judge the world both quick and dead, and that their power and testimony would increase till it should gather all Nations, and set them on the right hand or on the left, according to what is written in Mathew, 25th chapter and 31st verse: and soon I believed the day and time had commenced which was prophecied of, in Isaiah, 2d chapter and 2d verse, &c. and in Daniel 2d chapter and 44th verse; and 7th chapter, 9th and 10th verses; and in Isai­ah 65th chapter, 17th verse, and so on; and in Revelations, 20th and 21st chapters. Many more places might be mention­ed which purport the same thing, but perhaps it is not neces­sary.

All this I say I believed, without the least doubt, and my labor and concern was to come into possession of that which I had faith in. In order for this I was taught, I must confess all my sins: this I did willingly and honestly; believing myself to be before the bar of eternal justice, where the thoughts and intents of my heart were fully and clearly seen and known I was also taught, that I must take up my cross against all sin; [Page 6]but [...]n a special manner against the lust of the flesh, which in­cluded not only all manner of uncleanness, contrary to the order of nature, and all natural feelings and actions between male and female; but comprehended all natural union between natural relations, as being the product and fruits of the flesh: and also to labor for the power of God to destroy the very nature of the flesh so as to become an Eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake. This I understood to be a total destruction of the nature of generation, both as to the inclination of the spirit and the natural faculties of, the body. Although this is not held so now among the people; yet I am sure it was so communicated by the first Ministers, and so received and un­derstood by all the people. It was held that the seed spoken of by the Apostle John in his first epistle, 3d chapter and 9th verse, was the natural seed of copulation: it was held that the marriage in Cana of Gallilee, spoken of in the 2d chapter of John, was nothing else but the union of Christ and his disci­ples: it was also abundantly taught, that what was contained in the scriptures was of no use to us, as it respected our travail, being all in a back dispensation; but that which was the pre­sent gift of the Church must be received as the infallible word of God.

All these things which I have mentioned, I had no more doubt of than I had of the being of an eternal God; but la­bored accordingly, in full faith and hope of obtaining a full and complete redemption from the nature and root of all [...], which I believed to be the lust of the flesh, as I have before observed, my faith was so firm that I do not remember ever at one time reading or searching the scriptures, for my own con­firmation but only for the purpose of having wherewith to prove the truth of my profession, and to convince gainsayets. At length, being found faithful and obedient, I received an or­der to labor, with others, and receive confessions; which I went forth in, according as I was taught, and received the ap­probation and blessing of the Church, and the work seemed to flourish and prosper, to my great encouragement, till some time in the summer of the year 1783, when an unhappy disun­ion appeared in the Church, and as the matter could not be, or was not kept private, but did and has got abroad among the world, it may not be amiss for me to give a sketch of it; al­though it is far from my purpose to be a slanderer, or to set [...] myself as a judge, to justify or condemn; but to state sim­ple [...], as far as may be expedient, and leave the matter to him who is the judge of all.

It may be remembered that I before observed, it was under­s [...] and believed that not only the mother, but a number of [...] had found complete redemption from all sin; among [...] were WILLIAM LEAS, her natural brother, and JAMES [Page 7]W [...]ITTAKE [...], an Englishman. It was understood by all, from our first acquaintance with them, that William Leas stood next to the mother, and James Whittaker next to him. How­ever in the summer of the year 1783, a strife arose (or at least it did not appear before to my knowledge) between them, which should be first—the mother interfered to settle the con­troversy, and the contention was very unhappy, and proved the means, I believe, of separating a number that appeared to be strong believers; but it had no effect to shake my faith at all; although I was an eye witness to that, which would be really shocking to humanity. My faith was so strong in the mother, believing she had the sole government of all souls, both quick and dead, and was actuated wholly by the power of the invisible God, that if I had seen her smite a man dead I don't know as I should have dared to give myself liberty to think it was wrong. But finally the dispute terminated in the death of William Leas, in July, 1784. And by the death of the mother in September following, the ministration and govern­ment of the Church revolved on James Whittaker; this to be sure was a very trying time to believers; it being so con­trary from what was first expected; but elder James soon gath­ered the greatest part of the people to a comfortable faith in his ministration, signifying it was necessary for the mother to go away in order for a further increase of the gospel—he prophecied abundantly of a great increase and spread of the gospel, which was soon to take place.

He finally ordered the people to sell their possessions and give to the poor, and to go forth and preach the gospel, in obedience to the gift: some actually sold their possessions, others were preparing to do it; for my part I had nothing to sell, but went to the Church to know what the gift was for me, & spoke to Elder James, his words to me were these, "Go forth and circumcise as many as you can." In obedience to his order, I went forth and took a journey down into Con­necticut, where for my testimony I was taken [...]p, and put into New-London Goal, where I was kept a prisoner four months. However the order that was given for the people to sell their possessions was taken off—they were told the time had not come, but that it was a gift to try their faith—so that they which had sold, had to buy again, and so the matter rested.

As for me, after I got released from prison, and by the help of some of my friends, settled all my expences; I r [...] ­turned again to Elder James where I had the privilege of go­ing several journies with him, and as I had a peculiar faculty in singing, my gift was chiefly to labor in Songs. But the last journey I went with him, which was in the year 1787, the latter part of the winter—on returning home he was taken sick so that he could g [...]t no farther than Enfield, (in Con­necticut,) [Page 8]where he remained till July following, and dep [...]t [...] this life.

This was a very trying scene with me, as well as many oth­ers, for I think I can truly say I loved him as I did my own life. Notwithstanding, I was not at all shaken in my faith [...] but believed that God would carry on his own work—and as there was several men who seemed to be blessed with great abilities, which had labored in the ministry with Elder James, we were not left without hope; but that the gospel would yet increase according to what had been spoken. At this time there was a very strong labor among three men, who were the principal ministers that were left, to know which of them should have the first gift. At length the lot sell upon Elder JOSEPH MEACHEM, a man greatly beloved and respected by all the people. His labor seemed to be to gather the sensation of the people to a farther increase, signifying the departure of Elder James was necessary for the further increase of the gos­pel, and that it was impossible to take place while he continu­ed in the body. The manner of the increase here spoken of, I shall ende [...]vor to describe in as few words as I can, so as to comprehend the substance.

It was signified that the believers as a body were all in fleshly relation, and that the time had come for a number to be gathered out of that relation into church relation, to be pur­ged and purified from the flesh, and be prepared to minister the gospel to others. The first gathering took place at New-Lebanon in 1788, where there was a great number gathered, both [...]ale and female; numbers of which were selected from all the different parts, among believers; some on account of their pe­culiar ingenuity and faculties in temporal things, to be helps in the temporal order of the Church; others (it was signified) were gathered for the more special purpose of being helps to other souls, in spriitual things; others were gathered merely, for the [...]r own protection and salvation; and others on account of their temporal property. These were all under a daily ministration, for Elder Joseph and some others, who were as­sistants to him in the ministry; but the labors and exercise [...] both of [...] and spirit, which this people were exercised in under the daily ministration, is not easily conceived by any one who was not a witness of what I shall not undertake to be particular: but believe it will be sufficient to say, that their chief labor was to destroy the whole order of nature, expect­ing to obtain the power of God, so as to wholly actuate and move the human frame, independent of any natural strength. How much propriety there was in the undertaking, time has sufficiently shewn; upon which I shall observe hereafter.

However to proceed in relation to the increase of the peo­ple, which were g [...]t [...]red, as has been observed, were called [Page 9]the Church or Church relation, the rest were all called fleshly relation; but the fire or furnace in Zion, as it was called, was not wholly confined in the Church. Ministers were sent from the Church to other parts to kindle the same fire, and in a par­ticular manner to Hancock, the then place of my residence, where the flame burnt so exceedingly that it seemed as though nothing would remain but just faith; but that seemed to be as unshaken as ever. At length, after two or three years of un­remitting labors and tribulation, the time came for the people, in Hancock, to be gathered into Church relation; Elder CALVIN HARLOW, a very desirable young man, and one who had the love and esteem of all the peopie, was appointed as a Bishop, for to gather the Church in Hancock, which took place in the first part of the year 1791. This seemed to be a time of comfort and satisfaction, hoping we should now have a privilege to travail out of the flesh, for we had understood that they which had a privilege in Church relation, could tra­vail farther out of the flesh in one week than they which were in fleshly relation could in a year; and as it was the most es­sential principle of our faith, to find redemption from the flesh, our hopes of salvation now inereased.

But to proceed farther respecting the increase about or be­fore this time, there was a further gift in the Church, at Leb­anon, which was called and is still, the Mother Church; the gift was this, they were taught that they had got to find their order of relation to God, in the li [...] of Church order; that is they had got to find who their Parents were, and who their Ministers were, and who their Elders were, and also, their order of relation one to another, as brethren and fisters; that is, to know who was 1st, 2d, 3d, &c.—as to their parents it was doubtless without any difficulty they acknowledged Elder Joseph to be their father in the Gospel; but as to a mother, it was such a new thing and so unexpected that there was some­thing of a labor before the matter was finished: as to the rest, as it does not respect my present purpose, I shall omit saying any thing about it: but as the same line of order was prcaced to us in Hancock, and the persons appointed and set before us, we had no difficulty in acknowledging them to be our Parents and received what they spoke to us as the oracle of God. Some time after we were called upon to labor, to know who our Elders were and find our relation to them—myself and one more male and two females were appointed, and called upon to labor for the lot of Eldership. We labored accor­dingly, believing what we were taught to be the infallible word of God.

Now perhaps it may be enquired what was the work or business of these Elders, what was the purpose of their gift. It was this, they were to stand between their parents and the rest of the family with whom they lived—they were to receive [Page 10]the word and counsel of God from their parents, and commu­nicate the same to the rest of the family—the family wera to look to the Elders, and to them only, for every gift of God they received; and likewise, the Elders to the parents: how­ever it frequently happened that the parents spoke to individ­uals, and some times to all, as occasion required. Now after we had labored some time, according to our first appointment, being called Elder brethren and Elder sisters, not knowing which was first or which was last; we were all told by our parents that there was but [...]ne Elder brother and one Elder sister; there was one which was the oldest, and but one, and the family were all required to labor and manifest their faith who, tha [...] one was, They accordingly labored, and all signi­fied their faith to be in me as their Elder brother, and that one who was a partner with me to be their Elder sister This be­ing ratified and confirmed by our parents as the gift of God, they all looked to me as their Elder, by which and through which they were to receive every gift of God that came to them. This brought me to a very solemn and weighty con­cern, to discharge my duty in relation to my brethren and sif­ters, so that they might receive comfort and consolation, and I be acce [...]ted of God: but as I had full faith in my parents, and had liberty to ask their counsel upon every needful occa­sion, we seemed to enjoy in some measure, a comfortable travail, hoping yet to see the increase of the gospel as had been prophecied. At length, Elder Calvin, whom we esteemed as our father in the gospes, was taken very sick, so that he was not expected to continue in the body; his sickness, however, (which rendered him unable, a great part of the time, to give much counsel or instruction in relation to the Church) did not immediately take him away; but he continued for more than a year, and departed this life the 21st of December, 1795.

This was a time of much affliction and sorrow; but yet my faith was unshaken, and being encouraged by her whom we called and esteemed to be our mother, that there would be an increase of the gospel in a short time, therefore we labored to take courage and hope in God. About this time I understood it was believed in the Church, at Lebanon, that the time was just at hand for the gospel to be opened to the world, and about this time the gift of laboring for mortification came a­bout to an end; it was found that we lost our natural strength faste than we obtained the power of God to replace it, so that by this means a great many had gone into eternity, and a great many were very weak: by this time Elder Joseph, the first Bishop, who was believed in the Church to be the descendent of David that was to destroy Gog and Magog, became very much reduced and impaired in his health, though he seemed to labor very strong for a further opening of the gospel among [Page 11]the world: yet he was obliged to submit to the decrees of God, and bid adieu to time, which took place the 16th of Au­gust, 1796 This however, did not seem to be a matter of dis­couragement; but the forerunner of a farther increase, as it was supp [...]sed be had finished his work that he had to do in this world, and that the gift for the farther opening of the gospel was reserved for HENRY CLOUGH, a young man who had labored in the ministry as an assistant to Elder Joseph, though he was not first in the ministry, but was subject unto her whom he called his mother, which was the partner of Elder Joseph; yet he was esteemed to be a very wise man, and depended on as one who had a great work to do in relation to the farther opening and spread of the gospel.

Soon after Elder Joseph's decease, she that was called our mother, in Hancock, was taken sick, and continued a few weeks, and departed this life, which was on the 19th of Sep­tember, 1796 Here began a scene of tribulation which ex­ceeded all my former experience; although before th [...] things sometimes appeared very dark and unaccountable, having our expectations so cut off from time to time; but while I had a privilege to be told what to do by them that I believed had the knowledge of God, it was easy for me to be obedient without giving myself much trouble about the propriety or impro [...] ty of matters: but now being left to labor myself and the [...] of the people, whose eyes were upon me as their leader [...] filled with great concern and labor to know the will of G [...]. [...] relation to myself and the rest of my brethren and sisters. However, having been taught by our parents the order of our relation to God, and of some things that would be the gift after their decease, which was not only spoke to me, but also to num­bers of the rest. I was determined to labor according to the teaching we had received, hoping that God would open the way for our protection, and for the farther increase of the gospel. About this time or not long after some things took place in relation to us, by the counsel or order of the Church at Lebanon, which was a matter of some trial, not to me only, but to the whole of the Church, as it appeared contradictory to what had been taught by our parents; but af­ter giving myself an opportunity of being informed, it seemed to be made to appear that the matter was not inconsistent or contradictory to any thing which we had before received, but altogether neceffary for our increase.

About this time there seemed to be a gift in the Church, at Lebanon, that the time had come for the gospel to be opened to the world—ministers were appointed and sent forth under the direction of Henry Clough, or Elder Henry, as he was called; the gift was for them to go forth and preach the gos­pel to the world, and have them confess their sins, &c. and [Page 12]remain where they were and not come to the Church. They went forth accordingly, time and again, and a great sound there seemed to be, of abundance, of rain, as it were, which seemed to be a matter of great rejoicing: however, as there was not much brought to pass, it was believed that they had not got the right gift, but that it was necessary to have another gift, which was this, they were to go forth and preach the gos­pel and invite all to come to the Church: but this did not seem to have the desired effect. Finally, it was thought that the lack was in the ministers; they were suspended and oth­ers sent forth; but all to little or no purpose In the mean time Elder Henry, who was admired for his wisdom and a­bilities, and depended on as one whom God had raised up for the defence and increase of the gospel, was taken sick and in a short time left this world, which I think was about the first of March, 1798. These things gave me much exercise of mind, it seemed as though God would destroy the hope of man sure enough: yet I dared not give way to unbelie [...] or to be discouraged; but labored to put as favorable construction on every thing as I was able; but I was ready to say sometimes to myself, "Merciful God, what is the matter, is all things right;" but would check myself, and shut it out, and labor to take courage: however, there were other things that increased my tribulation—one of which was this, there was some who were appointed by the mother Church, as ministers to reside [...] meeting-house, in Hancock, and labor in relation to the [...] in that order, & to receive counsel from the Church at Lebanon, & minister the same to the people in their own order —with these I had labored to support union and peace, accor­ding to the best of my knowledge, which succeeded in a good degree. But, at length, in the increase, as it was called, there seemed to be that faith required of me, in relation to them, that I was not able to obtain, without further understanding, it appeared to me, as well as to a number of others that in order to believe and receive, what they told me I must reject, what we had been taught by our parents, and count them as decei­vers and imposters. This brought me under a great trial, and as I was not able to open my mind to my satisfaction, so as to find any help, I thought I would try one way more, and with the advice of some of my brethren, I set down and wrote a pret­ty lengthy letter, wherein I stated my grievances and trials in as humble and Godly manner as I was able, desiring to have some help in my mind if there was any for me in the Church. This letter I delivered to one of the ministers, and desired i [...] might be carried to them who had the first gift in the Church, at Lebanon, where it was soon carried; but, [...]o my surprize, it was treated with the utmost contempt—no [...]e­ven allowed to be read, but committed to the fire and burnt up. [Page 13]The minister I deliv [...] it to, I suppose, read it and commu­nicated something of the contents, for which, at his return, I received a pretty severe admonition, being upbraided for some things which I had mentioned in my letter, and told me that there was none ever known to prosper, that undertook to write to their Elders, or to that import: so that instead of receiving any help in my [...]aith, or understanding by the means of open­ing my mind fully, I received only an addition of trouble, which was so great it was impossible to keep it undiscovered by the family, who were fo effected in seeing my tears and hearing my cries to God, that some of them were almost ready to flee away and leave the place; but as I had so much faith that I dare not act any thing against that which was the gift in the mother Church, I humbled myself with submission and labored to be reconciled and to reconcile the rest to that which was the gift in them, which we held to be before us according to our profession. However I thought within myself, if I had been deceived, I should be more watchful so as not to be de­ceived again, it I had been deceived by them whom I believed to be as righteous souls, and more Godly in their example than those who were in the present ministry, it was hard to know what might be depended on; but I meant to labor to receive every gift that came, and reconcile the rest to it, as far as I was able whether I believed it to be the very g [...] of God o [...] not, if I could not see as there was any sin in it; I belie [...]ed it was better for peace sake to condescend as far as I could, and not wrong my conscience, than to have any strife or con­tention; but my gift and calling in relation to the rest, made it some times very difficult, for I was required to receive every order that came as the very gift of God for our salvation, and preach it as such to the rest, and sometimes there was that giv­en as order, which was impossible for me to believe that God had any hand in it, for I had learnt by this time that they who stood in the highest authority, in the mother Church, were liable to be deceived sometimes, believing they had a very extraordinary gift of God, and afterwards it was found by certain evidence to be a deception: therefore as my faith was shaken in the foundation, or in them which we looked to as the foundation of our help, I fo [...]nd myself under necessity to cry to the Infinite God, the author of my existence, for some m [...]nifestation of light, and was led to take a view, in some measure, of our travail from the first of our faith, wherein I found so many things that were believed and received as the revelation of God, which were found by experience to be false and absurd; so many things that were done and undone, and all under the name of an increase, that I was doubtful whether we were not deceived in the very foundation princi­ple of our faith, which was this, That the last and glorious day [Page 14]of the second appearance of the Lord Jesus Christ had taken place, and that more than fifty years ago; and that we who had embraced that faith and travailed in the increase were the only people that are justified upon the face of the whole Earth. I say I was in doubt whether we were not deceived in this foundation point of our faith, and if this was the case I was sure that our building would all be in vain: therefore I was exercised in my mind with exceeding strong labour to ascer­tain the matter; and having an opportunity with one who pro­sessed to be a minister and whom I looked to as my Elder, I asked many questions in a very familiar manner, taking care not to discover myself full [...], but mentioned the feelings of some others in the family which indeed felt the same that I did; but by all that I could gather from him I found he was as dark as I was, and manifested that he himself was under trials, and said he had a desire sometimes to ask his mother some questions respecting the same matter; but was afraid of be­ing accused of laboring out of his order, and be admonished for it, &c.

Here I found there was no light to be had, though he did not signify that be self any unbelief respecting his profession; but manifested darkness and ignorance.

Now [...]med as though there was but one alternative for me to take, [...] I resolved upon, which was this, to cry inces­s [...]ntly to God my creator for his grace and mercy to help me, that I might be able to take a retrospective view of my faith and profession from the first, and compare it with the prophe­cies which are recorded in the Scriptures of truth.

Before this time we had found by certain experience to a demonstration, that one essential principle of our faith was no less that a gro [...]s absurdity, which I shall endeavor to shew— the principle of our faith was this, we heard and believed that by confessing and forsaking our sins, we should be able by the power of God to labor completely out of the nature of the flesh, that is to say, to wholly destroy that nature and faculty which is created in men and women for the purpose of propa­gating their specie. This seemed to be the greatest and most arduous work there was to be done; but receiving such great encouragement, under standing and believing that there was a number which had already attained to it, we undertook the work cheerfully, and labored all manner of ways that we could conceive would have any tendency to mortify the flesh; but still the flesh lived, though some were so violent in their la­bors, and brought their bodies under so much weakness that there was not much power of erection in the parts of genera­tion; but the solids being so relaxed and the retentive faculty so weakened, that they were more subject to involuntary evacu­ations than they were before. However as there was abun­dance [Page 15]of means used to encourage us in the work, we perseve­red with unremitting labors till the Church was gathered i [...] Lebanon. Then it seemed as though the flesh would be destroy­ed at once—the testimony against the flesh increased—the labors and exercises of body were increased with great zeal and violence, so that in a short time they who were the most zealous and faithful labored into that degree of mortification that the natural functions of the body were so impaired, and the power of retention so relax [...] that they were not able to keep themselves from involuntary evacuations almost continu­ally, which made some almost despair of ever being saved, as the natural seed of co [...]ulation was looked upon as the most unclean and hateful of any thing in the natural creation. However numbers labored out of the flesh, that is to say, the blood ceased to circulate in the veins—the lungs ceased to do their office—the soul took its departure out of the fleshly taber­nacle. But the work was carried on with unremitting zeal, till a great number left the body and went into eternity, who, I have not the least doubt but that they as really put an end to their own existence in this world as though they had taken a dose of poison or a raizor and cut their throats; but it was said they gave up their lives for Christ's sake: let that be as it may, I have no doubt they believed so.

At length, after a while the gift seemed to abate about labor­ing for mortification, till finally it came quite to an end. Physicians were appointed and set to labour to help the sick and those that were weak, to build up that which they had been destroying, though it had not been taught plainly to my knowledge that the idea was wholly given up, of totally de­stroying that nature in this world; yet what took place made it appear so.

All these things I had observed and understood, and as I had the care of a considerable number that frequently opened their feelings and trials to me, and their unbelief in finding a total end to the flesh in this world; I labored into the matter thor­oughly, till I was fully satisfied for myself: I was informed, and that from good authority, that the first mother, whom we believed to be equal with the Angels, was subject to the same natural infirmities which were incident to other women, which, if true, as I had some understanding in the theory of the hu­man machine, I was persuaded she was not delivered from the nature of generation, it being necessary for that purpose, and that only. Having understood all these things, and much more also, which I could mention were it necessary; I was ful­ly persuaded that it was as possible to stop the blood and juices from flowing into an arm or a leg, or to dry up the marrow in the bones, as to accomplish what we had undertaken. Being fully satisfied I did not scruple to speak my faith among my [Page 16]brethren; not for their discouragement but for their encouarge­ment, that they might not be cast down and discouraged if they felt the flesh ever so strong; knowing we had got it to fight to the end of our days: however I was exceedingly tried, as well as the rest, to find we had been so deceived, not knowing but what we might be deceived in a great many other things as well as that; but being desirous to know how the matter was held by them who were before us. I took an op­portunity with the minister whom I looked to for counsel, and opened some of the brethren's feelings to him in relation to the matter. He at first seemed to intimate as though there was an evil spirit to work with them; but when I come to tell him frankly what my faith was in relation to the matter he gave the matter up, and joined with me, telling a number of cir­cumstances to confirm it. But to return to the first principles of our faith, viz. The second appearance of Christ in that woman which we called the mother. I have before observed, that she was said to be the woman spoken of in the 12th chap. of Rev. it was held that the man child she brought forth was James Whittaker, and her going into the wilderness was her coming into America. Now when I came to read the scrip­tures for myself, and remembered what I was taught and what I believed, I was astonished with myself that ever I imbibed such absurd ideas; but the reason was, I never searched the scriptures to see if these things were so, but believed and re­ceived every thing I heard, without giving myself liberty to doubt the truth of it; but when I came to look and read for myself, the matter looks so plain and obvious that it seems as though I should be guilty of impertinence to make any com­ment upon it, but shall leave every one to read and judge for themselves.

Now I shall leave this matter and observe some things which took place in the Church which gave me much affliction.

We had some years before entered into covenant to main­tain and support a joint interest one with another, and agreed not to bring one another into debt for any services or interest we should bestow to the joint interest of the Church. This was entered into in writtng, with our names subscribed to it: but the meaning or intention of this thing as we understood it, was this, there had been a number that had left the people and come with great demands for wages, &c.—Some of which ap­peared to be very unjust, and brought distress upon the Church. This covenant therefore was intended to cut them off from making any demand, so that the Church might be able to do that which was just and equal in relation to them, without being brought into distress and so the matter was conducted for a number of years. When any one went away, the Deacons and Overseers came to a settlement with them—paid them a [Page 17]certain sum and took a final discharge: whether they did jus­tice or not. I do not pretend to say; but I had heard it inti­mated some time past, that the time would come when those who went away from the Church would not be allowed any thing at all: however, I did not believe that ever I should see that time come; it looked to me like such barefaced injustice, that I could not think it would ever be presumed upon. How­ever it was not a great while before the gift come sure enough, and as it got among the Deacons before I had knowledge of it, it was divulged amongst the family, which made no small stir among them; and as they opened their trials to me in the matter, I labored to pacify them, telling them I did not be­lieve it: however, I was determined to know the truth of it, and as I had an opportunity with the Minister, I opened what trials there was among the brethren, and desired to know the truth of the matter. He was very free and open to disclose the whole matter, and opened his faith freely—he said he be­lieved that those who went away and left the Church has no more right to receive any temporal property out of the Church as a compensation for any labor or any interest they had bro't in, no more than Judas had a right to an inheritance with the Apostles after he had betrayed CHRIST. It was alledged that the interest or service that was given, was given to God, and to take away that which was given to God would be com­mitting sacrilege. This indeed was pretty strong meat for me, however, I thought I would not say any thing to bring myself into trouble: but being asked the question what my faith was in relation to the matter, I dared not be otherwise than an hon­est man, so I opened my faith honestly. I told him I believed that if any one who had lived with us, and labored faithfully, and spent their strength with us for a number of years, and finally, for some cause or other they chose to go away and leave us, it was a righteous thing for us to give them some­thing as a compensation for their labour I told him if one who lived there with us that had a piece of land which he had given in to the joint interest, and afterwards saw fit to take himself away, I could not in conscience feel any heart to im­prove that land, unless it was purchased of him, and he re­ceived the value of it. As to its being sacrilege I could not conceive the matter to be so that what was given for Sacred Use and consecrated to God for that purpose, to take it away might be called sacrelege: But this seemed to me to be a dif­ficult thing: When we came together we brought what we had, and put it into the common stock, for the general benefit of all, not for others any more than for ourselves, to be used equally, according to our daily needs, such as eating, drinking, &c. so that I could not see the propriety of saying it was all given up for Sacred use any more than our daily eating and [Page 18]drinking, or any others temporal duty is sacred. It was signi­fied to me that the wicked did not deserve any thing but judg­ment, which included all that were not of that profession. It was told me they who went away from the Church to the world had what they went after; they had the flesh and that was enough for them.

In answer to what was said of the wicked's not deserving any thing, I said, if a wicked man does me a day's work, it is as just and right for me to pay him, as though he had been a righteous man: also, I told them I did not know but the time might come when the people of God would have power to ex­ecute judgment, but I did not believe that the time had come yet, therefore, I queried thus; here is one of the brethren (mentioning his name) who has been here these 8 or 9 years, and has laboured faithfully—he has been a very strong labo­rious young man and has done a great deal of good—by and by he gets discouraged, loses his faith, or for some other cause, he chooses to go away and leaves us. Well, we say, he har gone to the unclean and left the only means of his salvation and will have to suffer the judgment of God. Now, is not that enough for him to bear—do not we ought to feel sorry for him, and pity him, or shall we try to make him as wretched and miserable as we possibly can in this world, by depriving him of all the fruit of his labor which is necessary for his sub­sistance in this world? can this be right, or can any one who has a christian spirit have a heart to do it?

To repeat all the conversation we had upon this subject would be very lengthy and needless; but it cost me a great deal of af­fliction before I got through with it.

I shall only further observe, that we compromised the mat­ter as well as we could. I admitted they that went away had no right to make any demand according to the covenant, and the matter seemed to be dropped as to its being sin to give them any thing, and so we labored for union again. However, numbers not long after went away and left the Church, I sup­pose, chiefly on that account; but they were settled with, and something given to them for peace sake, so as to get a final discharge from them, that would secure the Church from any controversy in the law. This was a reserve that was made that it might be right to sacrifice something, for peace sake, rather than to enter into a controversy that might bring the Church into trouble.

Not far from this time (as I was continually exercised in tribulation which I was unable to keep undiscovered, although the cause I labored to keep to myself; but doubtless it was observed that I did not preach up faith so strong as I had done in times past, but labored to maintain union and reconciliation to the present gift and order that was for us,) being in company [Page 19]with the Ministers one evening, I was questioned respecting my faith. I was asked whether I had a living witness in me, that this was the second coming of CHRIST? I said nay. I have not. My answer seemed to be very surprising and unexpected: however, they undertook to labor with me—I shewed my rea­sons in part; but the more they labored with me, the less saith I sell, till I did not see but I should loose all I had got. The labor continued a day or two, till my tribulation was unutterable. I did not see but what I must give up my place as an Elder, for I always had a mortal aversion to hypocrites, and I did not see but what I had got to be one myself in some degree, although I was conscious to myself that I had never done any intended wrong, not wilfully acted any thing that I knew was sin, since the first of my profession; but as I had not faith, without doubt, I was not able to preach faith to oth­ers; however, viewing the consequences that would naturally follow, I desired to labour further, and accordingly went to the Ministers and humbled myself, and begged their patience with me till I had labored for a further increase of faith. They seemed to be thankful for my resolution and labored to en­courage me in it.

But to return again to the labor I was in, to wit, in searching the scriptures to ascertain whether the day and time had come, according to the testimony, of the second appearing of Christ. I have already shewn that in some of the most essential points of our faith we were grossly deceived, and there were many other things which I found to my satisfaction, were equally ab­surd. One thing I heard asserted not long since (by one who professed to be my teacher) in the most positive terms that the Church was now in the new Jerusalem state. This appeared to me to be a deception, for in that state it is plainly said that God will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away. The present state of the Church seemed to me to be quite the reverse from this, for there is both sorrow, pain and death, and that to a greater degree than what there is among many other people; but this is called suffering with Christ: however it appears to me without all doubt that the sole cause for the greatest part of the sufferings and deaths that have been among this people is intemperance. What propriety there is in say­ing that the Lord Jesus Christ has come in his glory with all the holy Angels with him, to reign as king upon Earth, and yet his Church be in a state of sufferings I do not pretend to say, but shall leave it for every one to judge for themselves: but as I shall not have time to be particular in shewing my ideas on every passage of scripture which I have quoted, and have perused to my satisfaction. I shall only observe upon a [Page 20]few things which were spokon by the Lord Jesus Christ, which I believe will be acknowledged to be the most sure word of prophecy. In the 24th chapter of Matthew Christ gives a very particular account of what should take place before his coming, and the manner of his coming; and in the 25th chap­ter he tells what should be after his coming—he signifies that before his coming there would be a great many sounds and voices about religion; false prophets and false Christs should arise and shew great signs and wonders &c. Observe this was to be before his coming, not afterwards, "for (he says) as the light'ning cometh out of the East and shineth even unto the West, so shall the coming of the son of man be;" there will be such light and evidence manifested as will put the matter be­yond all controversy, both with the just and unjust, for he says, "all the tribes of the Earth shall see him, & shall mourn at hi [...] appearing. "Now it is held by some that the light'ning here spok­en of does not mean the electrical fire that come [...] out of the clouds, but the sun that riseth in the East, & progressively increas­es till it enlightens the whole Earth. Admitting [...] be the case, it is no less evident that the second coming of Christ will be with such incontestible evidence, that all men will have to submit to his government; for as the sun rises, the day appears, the darkness passes away, and every object that scarcely discern­able in the night now appears clearly to be what it is; and as it is impossible for the sun to rise and not bring the day along with it, so it appears to be impossible, according to what is written, for the sun of righteousness to arise, and be arising more than f [...]ty years, and almost all the inhabitants of the Earth be entirely ignorant of it: but perhaps it may be said it is possible for men to sleep in the day, when the sun does shine, and not know whether it be day or night; but Christ says, he shall send his Angels with a great sound of a trumpet. This no doubt, will awaken every creature, for "all the tribes of the Earth shall mourn, and they shall see the son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory." Perhaps it is needless for me to say that there never was more sects and denominations of religion—and lo here! and lo there! than there is at this present time. This is a sign that the day of Christ is at hand; but not that it has already come, and been come these fifty years.

Now after Christ had spoken a considerable time in relation to his coming, and the manner of it, he tells us how it should be after he had come; beginning at Matthew, 25th chapter and 31st verse, where he says, "when the son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy Angels with him, then shall he set upon the throne of his glory, and before him shall be gathered all nations, and he shall separate them one from another, as a shhepherd divideth his sheep from the goats, and he shall set [Page 21]sheep on the right, but the goats on the left; then, shall the king say [...]o them on his right hand, come ye blessed of my father inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the founda­tion of the world, for I was an hungred and ye gave me meat, &c."

This paragraph, or passage of scripture, came into my mind some days before I left the people in Hancock. I was under exceeding tribulation in my mind with respect to these things that I had been laboring in. I walked out into the garden to amuse my mind some, with the natural creation; while I was walking in the garden it seemed to break forth into my mind, as though it was sent by the invisible power of him that spoke it first; the reason that was assigned for pronouncing the blessing was the matter that operated more essentially in my mind, "for I was a [...] hungred and ye gave me meat:" it was not because they were Shakers, or Quakers, or any one par­ticular sect or denomination; it was not because they gave alms and sounded a trumpet so as to have the praise of men; it was not because they attended to a great many orders and ceremo­nies, for fear of punishment, expecting thereby to make them­selves a righteousness. Nay, it was not all this. But what was it? It was because they had received the spirit of the Lord Jesus, which made them love to to good to their fellow crea­tures; it was because they loved righteousness, for righteous­ness sake; it was because they loved those that hated them, and blessed those that cursed them; and when they had done all, they could feel themselves unprofitable servants, as it seems was the tenor of their language. They were ready to cry out, Lord where did we do such and such things? They felt as if they had done nothing that was sufficient to make them worthy of any favor; but what they had done they did out of love to God, and therefore had made no account of it.

These meditations and contemplations seemed to carry me quite beyond the limits of my order. I forgot all my trouble, and almost forgot I was a Shaker; however, recollecting where and what I was, my trouble soon come on again; and as there was some things about that time that come forth as order, which I had not much faith in, so that I could not speak it to the rest as a matter of my own faith, which I was required to do, without wronging my conscience. I came to a resolution to relign my office, and not be a hypocrite any longer, let the event be as it would, though I was not determined to come away till I was further satisfied: I accordingly carried my my resolution into effect and gave up my place as the Elder Brother, June 30th, and desired no one to look to me for any help or any counsel as they had done, but to labor for my­self only, and be esteemed as one of the least of all. This I spoke to the family, and told them I felt myself quite come to [Page 22]an end. and unable to be any further help to them; but did not tell the cause, in particular, for I was not allowed by any means to open my weakness or unbelief to the reft, respecting the foundation of our profession. But the circumstance of my religning my place seemed to be very shocking, and caused great agitations and anxiety of mind throughout the Church. My tribulation also was not at all less [...]ned; viewing things as they had been in relation to me, and comparing them with my present state; it seemed as though it was more than I should be able to endure, and continue in the body: but as I had but one life to lose, and one soul to save, I was determined once for all, to be an honest man, and abide the event.

However, as there was one appointed to supply the place which I had left, there was immediately great labor and pains taken to seperate the feelings of the Church from me, both by the Ministers and Elders; and as this could not easily be done without finding something against me, whereby it might be made to appear that I had been wicked, and gone contrary to the order of the Church. There was no pains spared in labor­ing and searching to find some iniquity, both by examining me and many others, till finally it was thought they had found some thing worthy of admonition. I was labored with and se­verely admonished, even for that which they themselves would have justified. A few months before I was told I had got to come to such and such things or go to the world, &c. I received the communication without making much reply, and told them I should consider of it I but notwithstanding, I had felt many times as though I could go away and leave them with as much peace of conscience as ever I lay down to sleep as to any faith I had that bound me there; yet, when I come to bring the matter near and realize it, to forsake the people which I so loved, and had so long maintained such a near re­lation and intimate union with, and with whom I had a com­fortable subsistance, with respect to temporal things, and seek me a place among strangers, it seemed as though I had rather give up my life and go into eternity; for my natural relations were as much strangers to me at the rest of mankind, for from the first of my faith, there was no one to my knowledge that labored more effectually to reject and shut out their natural relations than myself: and having been very bold and pre­sumptuous to testily many things to them, which I had good reason to believe were dictated by the spirit of error, and that which I should have to acknowledge was false and absurd; and also in treating them with such unnatural contempt. that I felt as though I should never have confidence to ask of them any favor.

In consideration of these things and feeling my heart and affections so bound up in the family whore I lived, that I [Page 23]chose to submit to any thing that was required of me, as far as I was able and not sin against my own conscience, not seeing any thing but what I must soon leave this world, for my appe­tite to food was all gone, so that I was able to take very out lit­tle for my nourishment; and there was such a pain in my heart, almost continually, that it seemed some times as though it would burst asunder; and all the remedy I could find was weeping and crying to God—and this was so troublesome to the Ministers and Elders (it having such an effect upon those that had tender feelings) that I was disallowed weeping before the family, or indeed, any where else; however I was not a­ble to refrrin all the time; but when my heart was in such pain that I could endure it no longer. I would take myself a­lone and weep and pray to God till I was in some measure re­freshed; but my tribulation still continued as constant as my breath, though the family was exceeding kind and tender to me, and were willing to help me to every thing I needed as to temporal support, and would often try to comfort me in my spirit, but it was all in vain—also the Ministers and Elders frequently labored with me, to help my faith; but that was e­qually in vain; for the more they labored with me, the more I was satisfied we were all upon a wrong foundation, and should at last be found false witnesses before God. It appear­ed evident to me that my feelings to the people and family where I lived was partial, and that which was acquired by a long habit of intimacy, more than by the true love of God, which is universal to all that believe in Christ. Viewing things to be so I was unwilling to stay there and die, for death appeared to me not far distant, as my body was reduced almost to a skeliton, and my natural strength almost exhausted; there­fore I believed it was my duty to change my condition by coming away and leaving them, and renouncing that which I believed was error: but the cross I had to take up for that purpose I believe was seven fold greater than it was to forsake my father's house and join that people at first—however I gathered up as much resolution as I could, and accomplished my purpose the 24th of July, 1799, by bidding them farewell, and leaving the place. As to my feelings since that time, I shall only observe, that notwithstanding I was at a loss for some time whether I should live or die, my health was so im­paired. I have not seen one moment that I was sorry I came away, let it be to my honor or dishonor; but I am fully per­suaded that I have been under the power of deception and was led by he spirit of error, as to the main principles of faith that I set out upon: but my present feeling and determina­tion is to turn to the good and the right way, which is the new and living way, pointed out by Christ and his Apostles, and make it the rule of my lise and conduct.

[Page 24] Now I desire [...]o address myself in a few words, to those who have or may hereafter come away from the people called Shakers. There has been numbers who have left that peo­ple, whose conduct, I am sorry to say, has been more wicked & prophane than the rest of mankind in general. This is made use of by the Shakers (as some of you well know) as an evi­dence that they are the only people of God; applying that scripture in Matthew 12th, 43d, &c. where it speaks of the un­clean spirit going out of a man, and afterwards he takes seven other spirits more wicked than himself, &c. This is applied to all that leave them. They suppos [...] that they are going to be seven times more wicked than ever they were before; or, at least, all that leave them and deny any faith in them: but for my part I do not feel under any obligation to be wicked, because they think it must be so: neither do I feel any lack of the protection of God from the power of evil any more than ever I did; but I feel as fully determined, by the help of God, to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God, as ever I did in any part of my life—and as there are numbers of you that have lived with me, and have heard me speak a great deal against the flesh, &c. and likely would be glad to hear from me now, in relation to the matter, I would just let you know that I feel as much against the works of the flesh, which is forbid­den in the scriptures, as ever I did: but the ordinance and convenant of marriage, between male and female, which was ordained of God, in the garden of Eden before the fall; I be­lieve it is the gift of God now as really as ever it was; but as I have not time to be particular in this matter, I would refer you to a book, written by my ingenious friend, DANIEL RATHBONE, which was published some years ago, where the matter is fairly and ingeniously laid open. But there is anoth­er thing which I desire to be a little particular in, respecting some that have left the Shakers, and have dishonored themselves by bad behaviour Although wickedness is inexcusable when­over it is found, yet sometimes by knowing what the cause is, we may be able to make some allowance for the effect. Now in the beginning of our faith there was a great many young children among the believers, which lived chiefly with their parents for a number of years, and the chief part of the teach­ing they had was to sing and dance and labor for mortification. Finally there was a great number gathered to the Church, where they were put under the care of a Minister, appointed for that purpose They were disallowed to have any books that was proper to instruct the mind into the principles of humani­ty. Their teaching was such as might be expected from those who rejected the scriptures, reason, and common sense, as be­ing repugnant to the Gospel. They were, doubtless, some of them very vicious in their natures, and ungovernable, therefore [Page 25]it seemed necessary to use violent means to subject them to obedience. This appeared barbarous and cruel, and only ag­gravated their feelings to greater opposition. Finally they broke out of their bondage, and went off to the world one after another. Now being taught from their infancy that their was no other people that served God but the Shakers, and not ha­ving any opportunity to learn any thing to the contrary, they did not know but it was so; and not being able to endure the discipline in the Church, they renounced that religion; togeth­er with all the rest upon Earth, determining to take their own way, without fearing God or regarding man. Being bred up so entirely ignorant of all the principles of morality, they be­come easy victims to all manner of evil.—Others there are, who had arrived to the years of understanding before they joined the Shakers, and have since left them, and made a sad figure in the world. Those I apprehend are such as never had any principles of righteousness in them, but joined the people out of some selfish motives; and not finding their purpose answer­ed, return back to their old course with an increase of evil. Now, my friends, as we have made a very extraordinary pro­fession, and exalted ourselves above the rest of mankind, and have found ourselves deceived; do not let us be discouraged of trying to serve God at all; but let us remember that the day will come when we shall all receive a reward according to our works.

Now a few words to those whom I have called my brethren and sisters, to wit, the Church in Hancock, called Shakers; although I do not expect you will be allowed by your minis­ters to read what I have here written, yet it may be possible that some of you may chance to see it, which if you do, you will find the real cause of my coming away from you; for as I was not allowed to open my mind to any one but those who labord with me, it was impossible for you to know the cause of my affliction fully or the reason of my leaving you: but thanks be to God, I am now where I have liberty to open my mind without fearing the displeasure of mortals; but as I under­stand the common proceeding among you in relation to those that come away from you, I shall not be disappointed to find myself exceedingly hated b [...] some of you, who, no doubt, be­lieve it your duty to hate [...]e and execrate me as much as you [...]re a [...], lest you should lose your union with your Ministers and Elders; I sap in this I shall not be disappointed, but shall consider it to be just in relation to me to have the same meat measured to me that I have measured to others, though I cannot say that I have ever felt or allowed myself to feel such a spi [...] of revenge as I have observed among some of you A few days before I came away from yon, I heard a man say, (one that professed to be very forward among you) speaking of one [Page 26]that had lately come off, that he wished a tree might fall upon him before he got to the place where he was agoing: and there is some whom you esteem to be some of the foremost among you, who have uttered such sentiments as these when their cattle got into their neighbor's grain; they thought it was as well for their cattle to eat it as it was for the world to have it, because their neighbor, who was the owner of it, was not a Shaker, but of the world. Many more such like things might be mentioned were [...] [...]ssary; but I shall only ob­serve, that through a long co [...] [...] experience, I have found, that there hath existed and still doth exist a spirit among you which would put all the race of Adam into the most exquisite torture, had they power sufficient, that would not subject to your faith and profession. Now these things I speak not to reproach you; but my desire is that you might see the spirit of error by which you are led and renounce it, and embrace the simple doctrines which w [...] taught by Christ and the Apostles. But there is one thing which hath come to my ears that I un­derstand came from some of you, to which, it appears to me, I cannot do justice to myself without making some reply.

I have understood it has been intimated that while I lived in the Church and professed to be strong in faith, that I lived in unlawful connexion with a certain woman, which is since my wife Now this appears to me to be mean and ill usage, and beneath the Church of Christ, even if it was true. You may remember, doubtless, some of you, what I spoke to you a few days before I come away—I told you if any of you had any thing against me, or knew any wickedness of me to tell me of it before I came away, so that I might confess it and leave it with you, and not serve me as you did the rest, as soon as they were gone, then to try to rake up every thing you could against them. Now why was you not so kind, if you knew these things, as to tell me of it while I was there, for I presume you knew as much about it then as you do now. However I will tell you the simple truth, as I expect to answer in to God my creator. From the time that I first professed christianity (which was a year or two before I heard of the people called Shakers) to this day, I never have had any un­lawful connexion with any wom [...]n, nor never in the course of my life did I ever defile myself with strange flesh; and from the time I first knew the Shakers to this time, I never defiled myself with what is called among you effeminacy; neither did I ever know by any certain knowledge, while I lived with you, that there was any females in the Church or any where else, except it was at the time when there was such a gift for men and women to strip naked and go into the water together, &c. I was some times a spectator, and perhaps might observe the difference; but as to the wom [...]n which is now my wife, I [Page 27]never knew whether she was male or female till after I was le­gally married to her; and as to my making any agreement with her to come away from the Church, I never did, first nor last, for I never spoke a single word to her about one thing or another, after I was determined to come away, till a few min­utes before I came away; then I spoke with her and gave her the offer of my friendship and protection, if God spared my life, if it was her choice to follow me.

Now there are some things which I have hinted that many of you are ignorant of, which I feel it my duty to open more plainly. It is well known to you that the foundation of our hope was built upon our faith in the first Mother, William Leas and James Whittaker, believing that they were redeem­ed from all sin and were equal unto the Angels of God. I have hinted something about the contention there was among them; now I will tell you what I saw with my own eyes, I was at Niskauna with the Mother and the Elders. At length there was a contention broke out, which seemed chiefly to be between the Mother and William Leas; it kept increasing till there was nothing but clamor and confusion. Finally the Mother fell to beating William Leas—smiting of him in the face—he tried to defend off her blows, threatening to smite her if she did not let him alone. There was a number of people present, who, most of them, seemed to join with the Mother, and labored to keep William Leas from hurting her, for there was awful threatning on both sides; however the mother would not let him alone, but notwithstanding his activity in defending himself would very often get a blow at him, till his face was in a gore of blood: at length, as he could endure it no longer, he smote her with his fist, and being a very strong man I un­derstood that he hurt her very much, but she did not fall quite to the floor, if I remember right, the people being so thick held her up. I stood the chief part of time not more than five or six feet from them, and saw the whole of what I have de­scribed, and I think I have not exaggerated it one mor [...]l, but have rather come short; for as I have had considerable op­portunity in the course of my life both in the army among soldiers and elsewhere, I never saw any contention that ap­peared more contrary to the Gospel: notwithstanding, at that time, my faith and imagination w [...] such, that I dared not judge there was any thing in the Mother that was wrong: but since I have found by incontestible evidence that I have been deceived, and have given myself liberty to exercise the rational faculties that God has created in me, it appears to me that the Mother, at that time, was very much overcome with strong liquor, and was under the influence and power of Satan; and there is some among you now, or at least was the last I heard from them, that can say, if they would be honest, that I have [Page 28]spoke but a little part of what they see and heard from time to time, as they had more opportunity than I There is one among you, or was when I came away, that told me a few months ago that he was there at the time I was and lived there some time after: he signified they were in contention almost continually; sometimes between the Mother and William Leas, and sometime between the Mother and James Whittaker —he told as to their language, there never was a sailor step­ped on board a ship that exceeded them—he told me the Mother charged Whittaker with committing whoredom with a certain woman; Whittaker declared his innocence, &c— This man that told me this I suppose is now among you and means to stay, for aught that I know; but you yourselves, some of you, believe, or at least have believed, that there is some among you who are in Authority, that are no more Shakers in heart and principle than the rest of the world, but stay among you out of selfish motives.

There is many things I should be glad to say to you, but as I expect it is unlikely many of you will ever see what I have wrote so long as you remain in your bondage, I shall close my matter by just observing, that my experience among the Shakers appears to me like a man that has been following an ignis fatuus, which is something which he supposes to be light, and sets out to go to it, but never gets any nearer to it, but follows it till he is led into a disu [...]al wilderness of darkness, and then it disappears; so it seems has been the case with me. It appears to me that I turned my eyes off from that light which God had appointed for souls to look to, and thought I see a light some where else, but in following after it I found it was always out vonder, till finally it led me into a dismal swamp, and then disappeared, where I had to get out as well as I could; but I am thankful to God that I have so far got out that I hope I am able, in some measure, to discover things as they be; and may God grant that you all may receive the same help and grace of God to bring you out of your darkness into the true light of the glorious Gospel of the Son of God, so that you may be happy in this world and that which is to come, which is the sincere desire of