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FRENCH ARROGANCE; OR, "The Cat let out of the Bag;" A POETICAL DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE ENVOYS OF AMERICA, AND X. Y. Z. AND THE LADY.
PHILADELPHIA: PUBLISHED BY PETER PORCUPINE, OPPOSITE CHRIST-CHURCH, AND SOLD BY THE PRINCIPAL BOOKSELLERS. 1798.
[Price 25 cents.]
[Copy-Right secured according to Law.]
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ADVERTISEMENT.
THE Author has thought proper to form this poem into a dialogue, as it furnished an opportunity of displaying, with more perspicuity, the natural gasconading arrogance of France, and the just retort and manly independence of her opponents. He likewise considered the Hudibrastic measure best adapted for interspersing that requisite burlesque which the subject required: how near he has come to the celebrated Butler, or whether he has had him at all in view, is left to the admirers of that author to decide.
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FRENCH ARROGANCE, &c.
INTRODUCTION.
QUARRELS arise we know not why,
Yet they exist we can't deny,
Different in habit and in feature,
Some private, some of public nature.
The ladies jar at every meal,
They think it witty and genteel;
To backbite and to scandalize
Is charming in the fair ones' eyes.
The nymph will quarrel with her swain,
Because she knows 'twill give him pain;
She's so tenacious of her lover,
He must not look at any other;
Thus are we trammel'd when we court,
And made the butt of woman's sport:
And ask the damsel why she teazes?
Most like she'll say, because she pleases,
It is her fancy to perplex him,
The more she loves, the more she'll vex him,
[Page 6] Will ne'er desist nor give him quarter,
But keep him always in hot water,
Until she's gain'd him and his riches,
And then perhaps she'll wear the breeches.
The sex, alas! tho' fam'd for beauty,
Think contradiction is their duty;
But we must yield and seldom flout them,
Because we cannot live without them.
Yet man is frail as well as woman,
Tho' 'tis not always quite so common.
Some think their love cannot be zealous,
If of their wives they are not jealous,
When they most likely are the reason,
For acts of matrimonial treason.
T' avenge an insult to his jewel,
He must of course provoke a duel;
And should he 'scape this bold affray,
And "live to fight another day,"
He only lives to see his spouse
Gallant with others and carouse,
To feel each morn his horns a sprouting,
Which must be pleasant past all doubting.
But these are jars in private station,
A mortal stab to reputation,
A kind of murder in the retail,
Of which there is a lengthy detail.
But public feuds should widely alter,
And no man should by wholesale slaughter.
[Page 7] Men are not mushrooms—by this light!
Nor can we get an army in a night.
King Solomon the wise, we're told,
Had children e'en an hundred fold;
But then t' account for all these lives,
He had an army form'd of wives:
The case is alter'd now you know,
We dare not even marry two.
This maxim therefore I'll propose,
Before two nations come to blows,
To have a proper explanation,
And cooly weigh the disputation.
AMERICA.
MOST potent citizens of France,
Renown'd for war, and complaisance,
Renown'd for conquest and for glory,
We come to tell a plain and candid story;
To now present you our credentials,
And argue chiefly on essentials;
We therefore hope you'll be explicit,
'Tis all we ask for and solicit;
Our love for you was always pure,
Which prompts us to this overture;
Peace is our object and our aim,
Against a war we all declaim;
[Page 8] War is the bane of human life,
The child of discord and of strife;
We've strove to keep it at a distance,
And hope 'twill bear our firm resistance;
At variance we have been 'tis true,
But trust our friendship will renew;
Our errand here is really meant
A lasting friendship to cement,
To cancel and destroy defection,
And fix a permanent connexion;
Which you'll approve without a frown,
As men of honor and renown,
As men of "public faith" and trust,
Who're merciful as well as just.
FRANCE.
OF these rare virtues we've a store,
We likewise have a number more,
Which you shall find, ere you leave France,
Or say that Frenchmen cannot dance.
But your ideas are too illusive,
You speak in language too conclusive.
Shall France, possess'd of all her pow'r,
Submit to you because you low'r;
Foutre diable, 'twill not do,
Such language certainly you'll rue;
[Page 9] Suppose, Commissioners all three,
You were to copy after me,
Take Frenchmen's conduct for a sample,
In every thing they're wise and ample;
Observe me therefore very nice,
And hear with patience my advice:
The speech of your great President,
Our nation one and all resent;
He talks to us, the mighty Gauls,
As big as church you call Saint Paul's,
Like Buonaparte the Gallic god,
Who has ten millions at his nod,
And cou'd, if he was firmly bent,
Turn upside down your continent;
Displace your Chieftain or your Head,
Make war and desolation spread;
Reduce your cities to a level,
And send your Congress to the devil;
Destroy your forts of ev'ry kind,
And "leave not" e'en "a wreck behind;"
Drain dry the vast Atlantic Ocean,
And plant disorder and commotion;
Slay all your women and your men,
And march in triumph back agen.
Avert the danger of delay,
And save your country whilst you may.
[Page 10]
Your haughty speech must be disjointed,
Before you see the Lords anointed;
Start not, messieurs, nor even grumble,
The speech I say must be more humble;
Or else, to save a deal of pother,
Suppose you was to make another,
As thus—"Renown'd and mighty men,
We've err'd, but ne'er will err agen;
We once conceiv'd, oh! vain the thought,
Our freedom, which with blood we bought,
Was purchas'd to the end of time;
That thought we now confess a crime;
No right have we to live at ease,
Unless the great Direct'ry please;
Our lands are yours, nay e'en our lives,
Our sons and daughters, and our wives;
When France shall send her mighty mission,
Both one and all shall bow submission;
Great Britain's treaty we'll dispel,
And drive those English dogs to h—ll;
E'en Porcupine and all his crew,
His press, his types, his paper too,
His clerks, his 'prentices, and men,
Shall trudge to England's isle agen,
Not e'en a vestige shall you meet
Of him nor his in Second-street.
If after this you're not content,
M'K—n shall be our President;
[Page 11] And as a lustre to the scene,
Our Vice shall be great G—l-t-ne;
We'll then appoint, for strength and weight,
Shrew'd N-ck-l-s, Secret'ry of state;
L—n, that brilliant fighting star,
Shall be our Secret'ry of War;
And B—che, your warmest advocate,
We'll dubb the Printer of the State;
With such a groupe, what pow'r can wrench
The vict'ry from the matchless French!
Cerb'rus of old, who watch'd so well,
And was the centry dog of h—ll,
Could not more fiercely guard the gates
Than this grand compact would our states;
Their talents can't, should they be sent,
E'er "stop the wheels of government;"
But smoothly onward they would glance,
Just like the government of France;
And then each member should agree
To wear the cap of liberty,
With strictest orders, when they're made,
To paste a national cockade
Just in the front, to catch the eye
Of strangers when they're passing by.
At every ball our belles should dance
In all the elegance of France;
No fashion like the French can please,
E'en from the stocking to chemise;
[Page 12] Our bucks and bloods, where'er they dine,
Shall drink nought else but Gallic wine;
And in their cups shall chaunt and sing—
Long live the French, and d—n the king;
We mean the king of Britain's land,
Whose fleets and armies you'll command;
Then teach those Britons to be free,
And learn John Bull equality."
Now this would be quits apropo,
And you'll acknowledge it we know;
Or else you cannot go before 'em,
Nor e'er behold their grand sanctorum;
I speak my mind, and speak it clear,
'Tis known the French are all sincere.
But we'll proceed without delay,
As I'm in haste and cannot stay:
Money's our next and grand command,
Which you must furnish on demand;
You know we cannot "cut a splash"
Without that article called cash:
Money, Money's the thing you know,
Which makes the man and mare to go;
A little now would answer well,
In fact 'tis but a bagatelle:
The sum from Holland due to France,
You cannot scruple to advance;
The Dutch are money getting men,
And will return it back agen;
[Page 13] They'd send you readily, no doubt,
Large cargoes of their sour-crout;
'Twould sell in market by retailers,
And keep the scurvy from your sailors;
It has not quite so fine a smell,
But ne'er mind that if it will sell.
They'd send you pipes and little toys
To please your pretty girls and boys;
So don't be pushing or severe,
But have some patience with mynheer.
They'll pay you even to a stiver,
Or say that France is no contriver.
Another sum I'd here propound,
I think 'tis fifty thousand pound,
By way of present, or douceur,
To make your interview more sure.
All locks of whatsoe'er degree,
Will open with a golden key;
'Tis understood—needs no refining,
That ev'ry pocket wants a lining.
Lawyers you know will not agree
To plead a cause without a fee;
And some there are, you may depend on't,
Are fee'd by plaintiff and defendant.*
Algiers did not your men release,
Before you paid the dollars for a peace.
[Page 14] Can you refuse all gentle France,
And pay these robbers in advance?
Why hesitate and make this fuss
To gain or purchase peace with us?
Pray do not frown and mournful stand,
But sign the terms of Talleyrand,
" And look before you, ere you leap,"s
For as you sow, you're like to reap.
AMERICA.
YOUR doctrine's strange we must confess,
It seems a riddle, nothing less;
You cannot certainly be serious,
But must be joking or delirious,
Or else you think us void of sense,
And can't discern your insolence.
But know ye, sirs, we represent
A people ready to resent;
A nation that can ward a blow,
And hurl defiance on their foe;
Who will in freedom's cause advance,
And fight—if needful—mighty France!
The blust'ring blades who rant and swagger,
And are for drawing sword and dagger,
Are not the heroes they pretend,
But oft prove cowards in the end.
[Page 15] Redress for injuries we implore,
For nothing else, we ask no more.
Justice we want, for that we press,
We cannot, will not, take no less;
For war with us you've sometime held,
Which we'll avoid unless compell'd.
Our wrongs you know before they're told,
Yet we shall briefly them unfold.
Have not your nation's privateers
Set us together by the ears,
At least endeavour'd so to do?
This, sirs, is positively true.
Have they not seiz'd, in wanton sport,
Our vessels near their destin'd port,
And sent them to another part
To practice ev'ry plundering art;
Where they have ships and cargoes sold,
And robb'd e'en passengers of gold?
They've e'en disgrac'd our very seamen,
And put in irons honest freemen;
To language base they've added blows,
And used them like inveterate foes.
Can we sit tame without surprize,
And bear such treatment from allies?
Repel such acts whilst life remains,
Or live in bondage and in chains.
Our friends you were some time ago,
But acts like these bespeak a foe.
[Page 16] We thought you honest, fair and kind,
But honesty you've guillotin'd,
And thrown her carcafe and her head
Amongst your butcher'd, injur'd dead.
Such deeds will live from age to age,
And stain with blood th' historic page;
A race unborn will drop a tear,
When they your cruel actions hear.
We thought you polish'd and polite,
But there we've prov'd an oversight.
Your brutal rage has far out-done
The vilest deeds beneath the sun;
You've ransack'd every town and village,
And liv'd on cruelty and pillage.
Compar'd to thy most savage reign,
The bloody Nero's was humane.
'T would beggar language to describe
The horrid acts of half your tribe.
Did not your minister G—n—t,
Our untaught country-men beset,
With cringes and insidious smiles,
And all his catalogue of wiles?
Did not he shun our government,
And land elsewhere to circumvent,
To sound the minds and dispositions,
And circulate your d—d commissions?
Deception was his "ruling star,"
To loose at large "the dogs of war."
[Page 17] But now he's wedded to his charmer,
And turn'd a penitential farmer;
Repents of ev'ry former ravage,
And plants potatoes, leaks and cabbage;
Keeps ducks and chickens, kills his mutton,
And lives as snug as any button;
Conceives Long-Island a retreat
Surpassing pageantry and state:
To France he'll never more be led,
Because he values much his head.
The speech of our First Magistrate,
You wish to maul and mutilate;
You say it grates upon the ear,
And must be alter'd, that is clear.
In fact, you say 'tis not a true one,
And we had better make a new one;
You then hold out a language vile,
And say 'tis just the very style,
Exact the thing, "quite apropo',"
And we'll acknowledge it you know.
To answer all your paltry stuff,
Wou'd make you strut, parade, and puff,
Augment your nation's nat'ral vanity,
Which nearly borders on insanity.
We will not Adams e'er disgrace,
Nor from his speech a word erase;
He spoke what every heart shou'd feel,
And prov'd his patriotic zeal;
[Page 18] He was the object of our choice,
And echo'd forth Columbia's voice.
Be silent therefore on that head,
We will not by the nose be led;
Cat's paws nor tools we'll never be,
But are determin'd to be free.
Respecting cash, which you demand,
We've not our treasury at command,
And if we had we'd ne'er agree
To lend a dollar unto thee,
Until you'd made a reparation
For ev'ry act of depredation.
You talk of Holland very much,
And praise these money making Dutch;
But what is that to us—if true,
The devil take their sour-crout and you.
No doubt they're very much provok'd
To find themselves so strongly yok'd;
But if 'mongst hogs they've chose a stye,
Like hogs, for God-sake, let them lie;
Give them their sour-crout and pipes;
Some gin to keep them from the gripes;
They'll smoke and drink and make a row,
And get as drunk "as David's sow."
Mynheers are hardy plodding fellows,
If you want wind they'll blow the bellows▪
[Page 19] How you get cash it makes no odds,
We'll not "give six-pence," by the gods!
With what sang froid you ask for money,
We can't but smile, you are so funny;
You thought, when you propos'd this loan,
We'd found the what d' y' call-um stone,
Philosopher's I mean to say,
Which makes pure gold from potter's clay,
As quick as you with truth comply,
Tho' not so fast as you can lie.
Ere you attempt to ask for more,
You should rub off your ancient score;
You wish to live on depredations,
And tax the people of all nations,
To gormandize on others' spoils,
And reap the harvest of their toils;
To "cut a splash" at our expense,
And laugh to prove our lack of sense;
Your meaning's clear, we have a view of it,
But think we know a trick worth two of it.
If to this pitch you cannot rise,
Without our granting the supplies,
Go live on sallad, mice and frogs,
And fricasee you cats and dogs;
We care not how your nation raves,
" Columbians never will be slaves."
FRANCE.
[Page 20]COME, come, messieurs, you must advance,
Consider now the strength of France;
They have your interest in view,
And only act as friends to you.
You've made a fine elab'rate speech,
Yet seem'd to've soar'd above your reach;
Reflect a little, and beware,
There is no foothold in the air;
Mind that yourselves you don't enthrall,
Perchance you may receive a fall,
A fall perhaps you will deplore,
As you may never rise no more.
France she entreats with eyes brim full;
You'd view the state of poor John Bull;
How he must meet our rage and fury,
And very soon, I do assure you;
Perhaps you know not our intention,
Permit me therefore, just to mention:
England—that paltry! bit of land,
We mean to conquer and command;
'Twill yield the moment we appear,
We'll petrify the dogs with fear;
Balloons are made, and rafts constructed,
By which our hosts will be conducted;
Through clouds of smoke Balloons will sail,
And drop upon their coast like hail;
[Page 21] Chock full of men they'll all appear,
And darken e'en the very air;
So true they're steer'd, they'll drop with ease,
On whatsoever spot they please;
And some they really do intend,
Shall in the palace yard descend;
Alarm the House of Lords and Commons,
And issue out a gen'ral summons;
With which all members shall comply,
Or in an instant they shall die.
Then farewell Anti-gallic glory,
Good by t'ye Billy Pitt the tory,
Dundas and him this storm shan't weather,
But both shall go to h—ll together.
Others they'll order and arrange,
To light exactly in th' exchange;
Confuse the merchants and the jobbers,
And all the speculating robbers,
Who'll fell their stock, if you'll believe me,
From tribes of Dan to tribes of Levy;
They'll swear it was by their desire,
And France is Israel's Messiah;
And banish those who scrape on catgut;
Ope all their windows and their doors,
Embrace French politics and wh—rs.
They'll bless their happy, happy chance,
That they have met the sons of France.
[Page 22]
Our spacious rafts would make you stare,
Some two, and others three miles square.
To view this mighty floating army,
Would quite astonish, and alarm ye.
As thick as hops, or hives of bees,
You'll see them gliding on the seas;
They're all so frolicksome and skittish,
In hopes to broil and roast the British,
To eat and drink like any glutton,
And cut them up like pork or mutton.
On every raft is fix'd a battery,
That would to atoms quickly shatter ye.
Each man, I'm told, you may rely on,
Is near as brave as spitting L—n;
Whose deeds atchiev'd by wooden sword,
Surpass description, 'pon my word.
These rafts are meant, should ere they meet,
To sink and burn the English fleet;
And after that, the mighty host
Shall land upon the British coast.
As France is matchless at invention,
Another thing I'll beg to mention.
They mean to carve a wooden fish,
Large as a man would really wish,
To hold his powder and his ball,
His gun, accoutrements and all;
Some bread and garlic, and a sausage,
Will serve 'em for so short a passage;
[Page 23] Vast shoals of these are now a making,
For this important undertaking!
They'll dart from ev'ry port and quarter,
And swim so nicely thro' the water,
All arm'd with fins and massy scales,
Like grampuses or sharks or whales;
And ev'ry now and then you know,
They'll raise their snouts to puff and blow.
Quite unsuspected will they swim,
For who'd e'er think of such a whim?
No one would doubt but they were fish,
Unless they saw them on a dish,
Which they'll prevent by swimming deep,
And keeping watch when e'er they sleep.
How France will laugh when looking over,
And see them on the beach at Dover;
And how the country folks will yell,
When every fish shall drop his shell,
And stand erect in full array,
To take their towns, to kill and slay.
Still on the wing for vast contriving,
We've got machines or bells for diving;
They of two properties partake,
To fink or swim like duck or drake;
When e'er they hear a cannon pop,
A cord is pull'd and down they drop.
To us the nations all must yield
For arts on water and the field;
[Page 24] Witness, you know, the fate of Venice,
Who were to us like balls at Tennis;
Each Frenchman prov'd a noted drubber,
Who play'd and beat them every rubber.
We play'd the deuce with these Italians,
We took their cows, their mares and stallions,
And put them into requisition,
To serve our craving disposition.
" Remember, how in arms and politics,"
We've work'd the Pope and all his "holy tricks."
The cardinals, the nuns and friars,
Were all let loose to French desires.
Take warning therefore ere too late,
Or else you'll share their very fate.
No longer hesitate, we pray,
But grant the loan without delay.
AMERICA.
WE know too well your plots and schemes,
And treat them all as idle dreams;
We likewise know your greater half,
Are made to gasconade and laugh;
But laughing, sirs, will never do,
Americans are staunch and true;
True to her friends, yet won't forego
A just resentment to her foe.
[Page 25] Our country's cause, with joy elate,
I think I now anticipate,
And see the Fathers of our soil,
Resolv'd again to share the toil;
Their sons turn out with manly zeal,
To prop their native common weal;
With shoulder'd arms and pointed lance,
To dare the menaces of France;
To fight for what their fathers fought,
When they their Independence bought;
To fight the foe of any hue,
Who dare encroach on Freedom's due.
Addresses now I think are sent,
From north to south the Continent,
Compos'd of patriots in the cause,
Who will support Columbia's laws;
Resolv'd firm ADAMS to defend,
Before they'll any lower bend:
'Tis needless any more to press,
We cannot, will not acquiesce▪
FRANCE.
WELL, well, messieurs, once more we'll try,
And send a Lady by and by;
[Page 26] If she won't do on this occasion,
Farewell finesse and French persuasion.
Adieu, messieurs, we'll send the lady▪
To bring you over and persuade ye.
ENTER
LADY.
MESSIEURS, your most, I'm proud to see
The Envoys of America.
You're from some gay and gallant City,
You look so smart, so very pretty;
Whether from Boston, or Virginia,
'Twould give me happiness to win ye;
The ladies here admire your parts,
And hope to gain Columbian's hearts.
I therefore beg that you'll be seated,
For ceremony here's defeated.
We know nought else but mirth and jolity,
And live in freedom and equality.
Thus introduced, I 'll speak my mind,
Which you'll perceive, unless you're blind.
Our minister, the fam'd and grand,
The most sagacious, Talleyrand,
Has through some channel, I am told,
Requested you to furnish gold,
Which you conceive a great affront,
And will not pay, depend upon't▪
[Page 27] Now there I think you very wrong,
As 'twill the business much prolong,
And may perhaps a War create,
Which we abhor and really hate.
Our spies are out from south to nor'ard,
And know full well how things go for'ard;
'Twas thought with us, but now decided,
That 'mongst yourselves you are divided;
Our party's strong, I don't dissemble,
And may, 'tis likely, make you tremble.
Down with the cash, without such fuss,
And you'll again be one of us;
You will not sure yourselves disgrace,
When once a lady's in the case;
For to be candid, frank and free,
The fifty thousand is for me,
To purchase pins to stick my cushion,
That made the gentlemen so pushing:
A sum for pins is very common
With ev'ry fashionable woman:
Another thing—but draw the screen—
I'm the direct'ry's, grand machine;
With me they take a vast delight,
To do their business, day and night;
Don't smile, my dearest! Johnny M-r-h-l;
I now begin to feel quite partial,
To gaze on you and Elbridge G-r—y,
My eyes I'm sure would ne'er be weary,
[Page 28] Likewise, my charming Charley P-n-k—y;
You're clever men, the devil sink me!
I love all handsome Plenipos,
Such satisfaction with them goes;
They have most noble gen'rous hearts,
And then of course they're men of parts,
Of sense I mean, and penetration,
And schollars at negociation.
I'm not asham'd to say, messieurs,
That I'm in love o'er head and ears;
So now to settle this dispute,
Suppose we one and all salute;—
What! not indulge me with a kiss!
Is all my rhet'rick come to this?
Is this Columbian gallantry?
Oh fye! commissioners, oh fye!
Deny a lady of my figure!
You surely can't be men of vigor:
But pay the cash, I shall not rue,
I value not your kiss a sous;
Shall leave you all to meditate
On what of course will be your fate,
And go post haste to Talleyrand,
Who soon shall make you understand.
Exit Lady in a passion.
AMERICA.
[Page 29]THIS lady's neither more nor less
Than some French cheat, in woman's dress,
Sent here on purpose to delude
Our hearts from moral rectitude;
However, be it as it will,
We're proof against her nation's skill.
FRANCE.
WELL, gentlemen, we're come again,
And hope you're in a better vein;
The lady has, we make no doubt,
Made every thing much plainer out,
The sex are vastly our superiors,
And men must knuckle as inferiors;
The business doubtless, she has done,
You've only now to sign the loan,
We'll call for paper, pen and ink,
And then sit down to smoke and drink.
AMERICA.
NOT quite so hasty, gentlemen,
We want not paper, ink or pen.
[Page 30] The Lady we have heard 'tis true,
But all her arguments won't do
She's thrown out ev'ry art and lure
About the loan and her douceur,
And laid on flattery so thick,
We thought it would have made us sick.
Tho' Adam was by woman drawn in,
We'll not be done by Gallic fawning;
Eve was a beauty form'd to win,
No wonder Adam gave it in.
Her beauteous limbs! her lovely Face,
Was nature's dignity and grace,
She gave the apple with a grandeur!
No man existing, cou'd withstand her!
Now your sweet lady gave disgust,
For she demanded money first,
The part she play'd we must deplore,
Was too much like a common wh—e;
She flew like lightning when she found
She'd lost the fifty thousand pound;
However, sirs, we'll not dispute,
But give an answer to your suit.
Firm as a rock! we'll ever stand,
And scorn the schemes of Talleyrand,
Not France with all her pow'r combin'd,
Shall shake the purpose of our mind.
Talk not of "faith, of public trust,"
When you're unwilling to be just;
[Page 31] Insult no more, no more intrude,
And let this visit now conclude;
Too long we've borne your galling pride,
'Tis now high time we should divide;
Return no more, unless your nation
Will pay for every depredation.
The path great WASHINGTON has trod,
Shall lead Columbians to their GOD;
On this grand base we'll stand or fall,
And hurl defiance on each Gaul.
FINIS.