ARLACKSMITH in a country town, while shoeing a horse, was gazed at by a number of negroes as they were passing by; being a little piqued at [...]ing the object of the blacks' attention, and attempting to cast a slur upon them, he said, "I believe hell's broke loose."—"Yes, massa," says one, "I see de devil has got hold de horse's foot."

A tradesman, whose love of money made him perscribe, as beneficial to his servants" health, and his own profit, the practice of early rising, one morning gave a poor black man a severe scolding for suffering the sun to shine on him while in bed—concluding his lectures with a severe threat, if he should ever after find him not up at sun rise. "At sunrise, massa?" asked the honest African, in the native simplic­ity of his soul—it was worth a casket of dia­monds to him—"At sunrise, massa? But sup­pose, massa, the sun rise before day light—what shall I do den, sir?" The master made no re­ply, and Sambo was dismissed.

A very pious gentleman, but rather worldly, who lives not many miles from Boston, made [Page 6]it his constant practice to call up his family before day, in order that they might attend prayers, and be ready for their labour in good season: One morning having mustered his family rather earlier than common, he com­menced family duties by prayer, during which, he returned thanks to the Lord, that they were brought to see the light of another day: An old negro standing by, cried out, "Top, top, vate a bit, no day yet, massa, sartin no day yet."

When the French fleet, during the late war, entered the British channel, the English fleet under f [...]r Charles Hardy, stood away, as if bear­ing for port; a jack tar, on board the Royal George, seeing this proceeding, went below, and bringing up his hammock, went to the head of the ship, which had the figure of George II. for its ornament—"Let me, old boy," said he, "muff [...]e you, for damn me but it would hurt you too much to see us running away."

Mr. Mackenzie, who has sometimes been called the Scots Addison, is by profession an attorney. He was lately in company with sir William Howe, in the Highlands of Scotland. After dinner, the convesation happened to turn upon poison; the various effects of different species were mentioned, and among others, those of ratsbane and laurel water. "We say in England," said the general to Mr. Macken­zie, "that ratsbane will not kill a lawyer."— "And we say in Scotland," replied the wit, "that some generals are in no danger from laurel."

Some years since, one Tom Hide, an Indian, famous for his cunning, went into a ta [...]n at [Page 7]Brookfield, in Massachusetts, and after a little talk, told the landlord, he had been hunting, had killed a fine fat deer, and that if he would give him a quart of rum, he would tell him where it was.—The landlord did not wish to let slip so good an opportunity to obtain the venison, and immediately measured the Indian his rum—"Well," says Tom, "do you know where the great meadow is?" "Yes"—"Well, do you know where the great marked maple tree that stands in it, is?"—"Yes"—"Well there lies the deer." Away posted the tavern­er with his team, in quest of his purchase: He found the meadow and the tree; but his searchings after the deer were in vain; and he returned no heavier, but in chagrin, than he went. Some days after, he met the Indian, and violently accused him of a deception. Tom heard him out, and with the coolness of a philosopher replied, "did you find the mead­ow, as I said?"—"Yes," "and the tree?"— "Yes"—"and the deer?"—"No."—"Ve­ry good," continues he—"you found two truths to one li [...], which was very well for an Indian."

A certain trading justice in Boston, notori­ous for his professional ingenuity, some time since employed a poor man to saw a load of wood, for which he agreed to give him eigh­teen pence. The man, in order to be more ex­peditious in the business, stripped off his coat and laid it in the street.—After finishing the job, he found, to his surprise, that the coat had vanished, and asking the justice, who had been at the door, nearly the whole time, if he had seen any thing of it—the worthy magistrate re­plied, "he had found a coat in the street," and [Page 8]producing it desired to know, "if he could swear to the property;" on the poor man's an­swering in the affirmative, he proceeded to ad­minister the oath: After which, on restoring the coat, he shrewdly observed to the poor fel­low, that they were now clear of each other, the price of the work being eighteen pence, and his fees amounting to the same.

Dr. F—, being in England in the year 1775, was asked by a nobleman, what would satisfy the Americans? He answered, that it might easily be comprised in a few re's, which he immediately wrote on a piece of paper.— Thus,

• Re-call your forces,
• Re-store castle William,
• Re-pair the damage done to Boston,
• Re-peal your unconstitutional acts,
• Re-nounce your pretensions to taxes,
• Re-fund the duties you have extorted; after this
• Re-quire, and
• Re-ceive payment for the destroyed tea, with the voluntary grants of the co­lonies, and then
• Re-joice in a happy
• Re-conciliation.

Some years since, an Indian resided in the metropolis of a neighbouring state; he gained his subsistence by his industry, and being a ve­ry handy fellow, he was frequently employed by many in the city, particularly by the gov­ernor. The Indian, whose name was Joseph, took the liberty of enquiring of the governor, how it came to pass he had so many fine things about him and never worked any? The gov­ernor [Page 9]replied that he got them by headwork. Joe wished to be instructed in the mystery, but was informed his scull was too thick for it. Some time after, Joe was sent for by the gov­ernor, who demanded to know what he would have for killing a calf? Joe said, he would do it for two shillings: He was desired to go to the stable and perform the business; he went, cut the calf's throat, and left him lying there: after some delay he went to the house, and re­ceived his pay: Soon after the governor went to see how his veal looked, but was astonished to find the calf lying dead, and nothing more done to it. He sent for the Indian, repri­manded him severely for treating him so. Joe insisted that he had complied fully with his agreement; saying he had killed the calf, and that for two shillings more he would dress it, asking the governor if that was not something like headwork?

Some years ago, immediately after the shock of a tremendous earthquake had alarmed the inhabitants of Grenada, the conversation turn­ed at the governor's table, upon the latent oc­casion of the above phaenomenon; after every one of the company had assigned it to a differ­ent cause, an old negro woman was asked, what was her opinion on the subject; she replied, "she thought the Great God was passing by, and the earth had made him a curtsy."

Several runaway negroes being condemn­ed to be hanged, one was offered his life, on condition of being the executioner. He re­fused it: he would sooner die. The master fixed on another of his slaves to perform the office. "Stay," said this last, "'till I prepare [Page 10]myself." He instantly retired to his hut, and cut off his wrist with an axe. Returning to his master, "now," said he, "compel me, if you can, to hang my comrades."

During the late war, an elderly gen­tleman from New-York, who was at bottom a staunch loyalist, but so fond of argument, that he would occasionally take up the subject of the war and argue upon it either pro or con— being once at a coffeehouse in London, when that topic was in agitation, and then defend­ing the cause of the Americans, one of the company, more sanguine than the rest, round­ly asserted, there could be no doubt of conquer­ing the Americans, notwithstanding the supe­riority of their numbers; for that one Eng­lishman could drive an hundred of them.— Pray, do you think sir, said the Yankee, you could atchieve so noble an exploit? Perhaps not, replied the hero, upon so great a number— Could you drive fifty?—No—Could you drive twenty?—No—Could you drive one?— O yes, by G—d, I could do that easily at any time.—Then, sir, said the old gentleman, as you are an Englishman, and I am an American, if you please, drive me. The political brag­gadocia, drew in his horns, and sneaked off.

Colonel Cockburn rose from a private soldier to the rank which he enjoyed when St. Eustatius was retaken.—Of this circum­stance he was continually boasting, and upon occasions where it proved more pride than humility.—One day in the island of St. Eu­statius, he was reviewing his troops, and took notice of a man in the ranks who was exces­sively dirty.—Going up to him, he said, "how [Page 11]dare you, you rascal, appear on the parade with that dirty shirt? it is as black as ink.— Did you ever see me so nasty, with such a dirty shirt, when I was a private man?"—"No, your honour, to be sure I never did," answered the man—"But then your honour will be pleased to recollect, that your honour's mother was a washer woman."

A person of the name of Palmer, who was a lieutenant in the tory new levies, was detected in the camp at Peek's kiln. Governor Tryon, who commanded the new levies, re­claimed him as a British subject, represented the heinous crime of condemning a man com­missioned by his majesty, an threatened ven­geance in case he should be executed. Gener­al Putnam wrote him the following pithy re­ply:

P. S. Afternoon—He is hanged.

A lady in Charleston, South Carolina, said, before one of her little girls, that Mrs. T—(a rosy widow, whom they visited in the next street) was a very good sort of a woman, and a very entertaining companion, when she had not a drop in her eye.

A few days after, Mrs. T— came to the house, and little Charlotte took more notice of her than she usually did. She stared in her [Page 12]face, indeed, in so pointed a manner, that the lady could not help being desirous of knowing, "what she saw in her countenance, to occa­sion so critical an examination."

"I am looking," replied the child, with a pretty innocent voice, "to see if there is a drop in your eye."

A gentleman riding out one morning early in a place where he happened not to be acquainted; coming up by the side of a young woman who was carrying a pig in her arms, and hearing it scream violently, addressed her thus: "why, my dear, your child cries amaz­ingly!" The young woman, turning round, and looking him in the face, said, with a smile upon her countenance, "I know it, sir, it al­ways does so, when it sees its daddy."

As a gentleman, in a certain coffee house, was writing a letter to his friend, there being a good deal of company present, a pert young fellow posted himself behind him.— The gentleman concluded his letter with these words: I should write more, but there is an impudent puppy looking over my shoulder.— The macaroni instantly turned upon his heels, and exclaimed aloud, "I'll be d—d if I was looking over your shoulder."

The great Mr. Dalmahoy went in com­pany with a friend lately to bedlam, to see the lunatics there. Among other unhappy ob­jects, he saw a man quite naked, who called out for him to come to the grate. He did so. The madman said, come, sir, you are admiral of the [...] fleet.—I am admiral of the French [...] us not put our innocent men to death. [...] this sword, (handing him a straw) [Page 13]and I'll take this, holding in his hand another straw. Dalmahoy took the straw, and the oth­er throwing himself into an attitude, made several passes through the grate, which Dalma­hoy humoured. At last the madman dropped his straw, and said, "you have disarmed me: but if you are a man of honor you will permit me to take up my sword again." Dalmahoy said, "by all means." The madman stooped, but instead of the straw, took up a large jordan, and dashed the contents in Dalmahoy's face, crying out, "there, d—n you, go and tell your king what a stinking admiral he pitched upon to fight with me."

A fellow who had been engaged to prove an alib [...]on a late trial, after declaring roundly that the prisoner was in his house at the time the robbery was commited, was asked by the counsellor for the prosecutor, whether he had not heard that the prisoner had con­fessed his guilt? Yes, said he, gravely, but he was always a d—d lying dog.

A man went to see his neighbour who was ill, and sitting down by his bed side, asked him several questions concerning the state of his health; which the other, who was sudden­ly taken speechless, could not answer. This highly offended his visitor, who was not con­scious of the cause; and rising in a rage, told him, "that please God he would be sick him­self soon, and when he came to see him, the d—l a word he would say to him, that noth­ing might be lost."

Two chimney sweeps having a bridge to pass, where the toll for one of them amounted to all the money they could raise between [Page 14]them, one of the fellows got into the foot-bag, which the other taking on his back, marched up to the gate, paid the single fare, and passed off with his load unsuspected.

A notorious miser, having heard a very elo­quent charity sermon, "this sermon," said he, "strongly proves the necessity of alms; I had almost a mind to beg."

A young man, who has attended considera­bly to arithmetic, and formed pretty towering ideas of his skill in that science, the other day addressed himself to an African in the follow­ing manner: "Boston, I can take a pen and ink, and in three minutes can cypher out and tell you how many minutes you have to live." "Canna you, massa, you must be a very good cypher indeed. I aska you a question. Which can see best, a mare stone blind, or a horse without eyes?" Pho, that's no question at all." "I aske you another,—'pose he be ten rods to Nicholas's, how far you call him away out yonder?" "That I [...] tell neither," replied he. "Well, I aske one more," pose fifty rail make one load, how many he take to make a d—d great pile?" So many unanswerable questions quite confounded our young conceit­ed arithmetician. He began to think he did not know every thing, and retreated from the lists of his African antagonist, with shame and confusion,

One of the king's soldiers in the civil wars, being full of zeal and liquor, staggered against a church, and clapping the wall of it repeated­ly with his hand, hiccupped out, d—n you, you b—h, never fear, I'll stand by you to the last.

[Page 15] A dragoon was shot in Dublin for desertion, and taking away his horse and accoutrements at the same time. When on his trial, an of­ficer asked him what could induce him to take away his horse? To which he replied, "he ran away with him." What, said the officer, did you do with the money you sold him for? "That, please your honour," said the fellow, with the utmost indifference, "ranaway too."

Two friends, who had not seen each other for a long time, met one day by accident.— "How do you do?" says one, "so, so," re­plied the other; "and yet I was married, since you and I were together."—"That is good news."—"Not very good—for it was my lot to meet with a termagant."—"It is pity."— "I hardly think [...]o—for she brought me two thousand pounds."—"Well, there is comfort." —"Not much—for with her fortune I pur­chased a quantity of sheep, and they all died of the rot."—"That is indeed distressing."— "Not so distressing as you imagine—for by the sale of their skins, I got more than the sheep cost me."—"In that case you are indeminifi­ed."—"By no means—for my house and all my money have been destroyed by fire."— "Alas! this was a dreadful misfortune."— "Faith, not so dreadful—for my termagant wife and my house were burned together."

The wife of a farmer, on an estate near Richmond, was taken in labour: the farmer wished for a son, and waited in the next room for the intelligence: it proved a boy, and the man jumped from his chair with ecstacy. A few minutes after, the maid servant came in, [Page 16]and told him her mistress was delivered of an­other child, a fine girl: "a girl, (said the farmer with astonishment) well, well, we must endeavour to give it a bit of bread." A short while after, the girl appeared again, and told him her mistress was delivered of a lovely boy! "What, another child! (said the farm­er, almost frantic with surprise) d—n it, Nancy, is your mistress a pigging?"

At the commencement of the late revolu­tion, when the French nation appeared in­clined to take part in the contest in favour of America, sir Joseph Yorke, the ambassador from England to the United Netherlands, meeting the French ambassador at the Hague, censured his court for interfering in the dis­pute, and taking so ungenerous a part: "You have been guilty of a dishonourable act (said he) that is unpardonable—no less than that of debauching our daughter." "I am sorry (replied the French Ambassador) that your excellency should put such a severe construc­tion upon the matter: She made the first ad­vances, and absolutely threw herself into our arms; but, rather than forfeit your friendship, if matrimony will make any atonement, we are ready to act honourably, and marry her."

When George Whitfield first came to Charleston in South Carolina, the Rev. Alex­ander Garden was episcopal minister of that place. Not liking Whitfield's principles, he took occasion to preach a sermon against him from the following text,—"Behold, those that have turned the world upside down, are come hither also."—In the afternoon of the same day, Whitfield, in his turn, retorted upon his [Page 17]antagonist to a very crowded audience, and with all the wit and satire for which he was so remarkable, from these words of St. Paul, "Alexander the coppersmith hath done me much evil, the Lord reward him according to his works."—Soon after, Garden, not to be outdone, took occasion to declaim with some heat, against the light and trifling tunes used in Whitfield's church, as being too theatrical and gay for holy worship, and such as had been long appropriated to prophane songs and airs—"Very true, doctor, said Whitfield in his next lecture: but pray, sir, can you assign any good reason why the devil should always be in possession of the best tunes?"

Some officers of the army who had served during the American war, walking in Hyde Park, dressed in their regimentals, met a man deformed by a haunch on his back, when one of them jocularly clapping his hand thereon, exclaimed, "What have you got here, my friend?" To which the other, with a coun­tenance expressive of the insult, replied, "Bunker's hill—damn your red coat."

At the opening of one of the courts of law in Massachusetts, lately, a clergyman was sent for to address the Deity—a gentleman present observed, that although this was ever the laudable practice, at the supreme judicial court, these courts had never, in his memory, opened with prayer. A sailor, who heard the last remark, observed to his mess mate, "If so, Jack, I believe as how the ship is really in distress, since they pipe all hands, and now call the parson to his quarters."

[Page 18] General Morgan, with eight hundred men, of whom one half were militia, completely beat, at the battle of the Cowpens, colonel Tarleton, who attacked him with one thousand regular troops.—Two hundred dragoons of that colonel, were put to flight, and briskly pursued by sixty Americans, under colonel Washington. Some months afterwards, Tar­leton, being in the house of a farmer, spoke with much vanity of himself, and lightly of colonel Washington, saying "he wished much to see his face." "It is a pity then," replied a girl in the house, "that colonel Tarleton did not take the pains to turn his head at Cow­pens."

In the western expedition of 1758, general Forbes, who commanded it, was, by his infirmi­ties, reduced so low as to be taken up in a lit­ter.—The Indians, who saw him, were aston­ished that a warrior could not walk:—this so disgusted them at their commander, that they remonstrated against him. Their old friend, colonel Weiser, to appease them, made this sagacious reply: "This man is so terrible in war, that we are obliged to confine him, and let him write his orders; for if he was let loose on the world, he would deluge it with blood."

A negro had so cruel a master, that he dread­ed the very sight of him. After exercising a variety of tyrannical acts among his slaves, the tyrant at last died, and left his son heir to his estates. Some time after his death a gentleman meeting the negro, asked him how his master behaved; I suppose, says he, he is a chip of the old block. No, no, says the negro, Masta be all block himself.

[Page 19] The noted Tom Bell, while on Longisland, passed part of the time by the name of Brandt Schuyler, an alderman of Newyork—a custom of passing by other men's names being very common to him. Some time after his pa [...]sing by the said Schuyler's name, he was tak [...]n up for some crime he had commi [...]ed, and brought to the gaol at Newyork. Curiosity was such with men in general, to se [...] so [...] a person, that many visited him while in confinement▪ Among the rest was brandt Schuyler, who af­ter a variety of questions, asked him, whether what he heard was true, namely, that you, Mr. Bell, have passed in Longisland by my name? Upon which Bell answered, "Yes, I passed by your name, but as I never was able to get even a drink of buttermilk by it, I soon left it off, and am determined to make use of it no more." This so confounded the alderman, that he made no reply, but walked off immediately—after which he was called the "buttermilk Alder­man."

A fellow being stopped with four hogs that he had stolen, attempted to make his escape, but running into a bye road, through which there was no passage, he was taken and lodged in gaol. "Damn it, said he, as he entered, I have brought my hogs to a fine market."

A lady, celebrated in Scotland for her wit and beauty, happening to be at an assembly in Edinburgh, a young gentleman, the son of his majesty's print [...], who had the patent for pub­lishing bibles, made his appearance dressed in green and gold. Being a new face, and ex­tremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the whole company. A general murmur pre­vailed [Page 20]in the room, to learn who he was; the lady instantly made answer loud enough to be heard, "Oh! don't you know him? it is young Bible, bound in calf and gilt—but not letter­ed."

When the amiable dutchess of Northumber­land was some years ago on the continent, she stopped at an inn in French Flanders, at the Golden Goose; but arriving late, and being somewhat fatigued with her journey, she or­dered but a slight repast for herself and her suite, which consisted of only five servants. In the morning, when the landlord presented his bill, her secretary was much surprised at one general item of "Expences for the night, 14 louis d'ors." In vain did he remonstrate; the artful Fleming knew the generous charac­ter of the dutchess, and was positive. The money was accordingly paid. When she was preparing to depart, the landlord, as usual, at­tended her to the carriage; and after making many congees, and expressing many thanks, he hoped he would have the honor of her grace's company on her return. "Why, I don't know but you may," said the dutchess, with her usual good humour; "but it must be upon one condition, that you do not mistake me a­gain for your sign."

A lady being ill, sent for a physician, and on his leaving the room gave him a see of two guineas. This she repeated several times, but one day she gave him a single guinea. This by some accident fell upon the floor, when the doctor picked it up, and turning to the lady, with a significant look, said, "Madam, I be­lieve I have dropt a guinea." "No, doctor, [Page 21]replied the lady smartly, 'Twas I who dropt the guinea."

A lady on the wrong side of fifty, having lost both her money and temper at a rout, with very little grace, had the additional misfortune in stooping, to lose her entire head dress, to the discovery of a bald pate; whereupon one of the company observed in her hearing, "That he could not but commend the HAIR, for leaving so weak a HEAD!"

An honest clergyman in the country was re­proving a married couple for their frequent dissentions, which were very unbecoming, both in the eye of God and man, seeing that you are both ONE: "Both one! cried the hus­band, were you to come by our door sometimes when we quarrel, you would swear we were TWENTY."

A large party of gentlemen were invited to dinner at a gentleman's house. It so happened that one of the party was overheard to say to another, "Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them." The gentleman took it up immediately, and said, "Wise men make proverbs, and fools repeat them."

A young member in the house of commons was tempted to display his oratorial powers, by the success and applause with which some eloquent members were attended; accordingly on a certain subject he rose up with great im­portance, and said, "Mr. Speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not obeyed, to what end were these laws made?" After he was seated some time, another member arose and said, "Mr. Speaker, did the honorable gentleman who [Page 22]spoke last, speak to the purpose, or did he not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?

The following story is related of a gentle­man who had no nose: As he was walking along the street one day, a beggar woman fol­lowed him, saying, God preserve your eyesight, Master? Why so, good woman? said he. Be­cause, sir, said she, if you should grow dim­sighted, your honor would have no place to hang your spectacles on.

The brave, but eccentric general Le [...] had so little regard to the rules of politeness and civili­ty, that he always spoke his opinions unreserv­edly, without regarding the offence or pain they might excite. Being one night at Alba­ny, drinking with an old Scotch officer, when he began to mellow with the wine, he told his companion that he had one fault, which he begged him to overlook, which was to abuse the Scotch when he was in liquor. In troth, replied the officer, I shall readily fogive your fault, if you will overlook mine; it is when I hear any person impertinently abusing Scot­land or Scotchmen, when I am drunk or sober, I cannot refrain from laying my cane soundly over his shoulders. Now I will readily par­don your fault, if you will pardon mine. This seasonable hint made the general very polite the remainder of the night.

During the late war, there lived in New Jersey, a remarkable dwarf. Though upwards of twenty years old, he was not more than three feet high, and every way small in pro­portion. This curiosity drew great crouds of people to see him, and amongst the rest, gener­al [Page 23]Washington. The nero conversed some time with Tommy Thumb; asked several ques­tions; and generally received pertinent an­swers. The general wished to know his po­litical sentiments, and asked whether he was whig or tory? "I cannot say, sir," said this man of might: "I have not yet taken an ac­tive part."

Soon after the Massachusetts insurgents re­treated from their attack on general Shepard, at Ordnance hill, and when it was hourly ex­pected they would renew it, Shays sent a flag to general Shepard, requesting him to have de­livered to him the bodies of the killed, amount­ing to five. The officer, who had been sent by general Shepard, to receive the flag, on the re­quest being made for five slain, with the ut­most sang froid imaginable replied, "Present general Shepard's compliments to captain Shays: and inform him, that he cannot fur­nish him with five dead, he having no more than four: But that if captain Shays will please to attack him again, he will then furnish him with another, and as many more as he shall desire."

Dr. Franklin, as agent for the province of Pennsylvania, being in England at the time the parliament passed the stamp act for Amer­ica, was frequently applied to by the ministry for his opinion respecting the operation of the same, and assured them that the people of A­merica would never submit to it. The act was nevertheless passed, and the event shewed he had been right. After the news of the de­struction of the stamped paper had arrived in England, the ministry again sent for the doc­tor, [Page 24]to consult with him, and conclude with this proposition, that if the Americans would engage to pay for the damage done in the de­struction of the stamped paper, &c. the parlia­ment would then repeal the act. To this the doctor answered, that it put him in mind of a Frenchman, who having heated a poker red hot, ran into the street, and addressing an En­glishman he met there, "hah, monsieur, voulez vous give me de plaisir et de satisfaction, and lete me runi dis poker only one foote up your backside?" "What!" says the Englishman:— "Only to lete me runi dis poker one foote up your backside." Damn your soul," replies the Englishman. "Welle, den, only so far," says the Frenchman, pointing to about six inch­es of the poker.—"No, no," replies the En­glishman—"damn your soul; what do you mean?" "Well, den, says the Frenchman, will you have de justice to paye me for de trouble and expence of heating de poker?"— "dam me, if I do," answered the Englishman, and walked off.

A member of the general court of Massa­chusetts, who, from accustoming himself to take a nap after dinner, when at home, could not dispense with the custom, when attending to give laws to a mighty people, not long since occasioned much sport in the house, by the following incident. A day was assigned for the second reading of a lumber act: As this interested our sleeper, he requested a friend, who sat next him, to awaken him, if the dis­cussion of the bill should be introduced, while he was asleep. This his friend promised him: But, happening to go out for a few minutes, [Page 25]the bill was called for; and after a short de­bate, was committed. Immediately after, the bill for preventing fornication was brought forward. This occasioned some debate, dur­ing which the sleeper's friend returned. Find­ing the lumber bill was dismissed, he thought he might indulge his friend in his nap. How­ever, as ill luck would have it, he trod upon the toe of this votary to Morpheus, who sup­posed it a signal for waking: immediately rousing himself, he rubbed his eyes, and look­ing about, perceived a pause in the debate— on which he arose and addressed the speaker as follows: "Sir, I wish to speak a few words on the bill now in question. It affects, Mr. Speaker, my constituents very much; for above half of our town get their living by it.

A certain lady of quality spoke to her But­ler to be very saving of a cask of excellent small beer, and asked him how it could be best preserved—The butler replied, "By placing a barrel of good ale by it."

Mr. Quin happening to call at a friend's house near Bath, which was not quite finished, found only the servant at home; however, Quin being rather hard pressed in a certain way, told the fellow to shew him the little­house; "Yes, sir, said the servant, the house is little, but it is very compact."—"I mean, said Quin, your necessary house."—"I believe, sir, said the servant, when my master comes down, he will find it very necessary, and much pre­ferable to lodgings." Quin was almost out of all patience, and exclaimed, "Tis your con­veniency I mean, sir." "Yes, sir; I can assure you, sir, as I said before, tho' small, it is very [Page 26]convenient." "You rascal, you," says Quin, "'Tis your s—t house, I mean, and if you don't shew it me directly, I shall foul my breeches." Oh lord, Sir, said the servant, that is not built yet.

As a certain clergyman who shall be name­less, was performing divine service in his par­ish church, on the coast of Essex, where is a variety of shipwrecks, and where the people are well known to be very [...]ond of plunder; it so happened that the alarm was given of A WRECK! A WRECK! with which the con­gregation were much more moved than with the parson's sermon; he perceiving it, opened the pulpit door, walked down stairs, and begged they would stay to hear five words more, which he had to say: the people consenting, the parson said, Let us all start fair.

An old lady, who was not very much famed for good breeding and politeness, whatever oth­er quality she might possess, being in a large party of very genteel company, happened to break wind backwards—a young gentleman who sat near her, seeing the company observe it, took the shame upon himself, and apologiz­ed very modestly for the rudeness he had been guilty of. It passed very well, and the next day the lady sent him a pair of colours, with her compliments, and this remark, "That it was an ill wind that blew nobody good."

It is reported of lord chief justice Holt, who had been very wild in his youth, that being once upon the bench at the old Bailey, a fellow was tried and convicted of a robbery on the highway, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his former companions. Curiosi­ty [Page 27]induced him to enquire the fortune of his cotemporaries, with whom he once associated, and asked him what was become of Tom such a one, and Jack such a one—The fellow fetched a deep sigh, and replied, Ah, my lord, they are all hanged, but your lordship and I.

In the northern exertions last war, for raising men to serve his British majesty, it was too customary for the Lairds and Highland chiefs to compel their vassals into the service by main force, when they would not go by fair means.— A little disturbance of this sort happening one day, and a crowd ensuing, a person stopt to ask what was the matter? Nae thing at aw, cried a Scot, they are only forcing a mon to turn volunteer.

When the British and American armies were near each other in the neighbourhood of Germantown, five Hessian soldiers, who had straggled into the woods, and lost their way, were met by an Irishman, who was a private in general Washington's army: He immediately presented his piece, and desired them to sur­render; they supposing that he was supported by a party, did as he directed, and threw down their arms. He then marched them before him to the American lines, and brought them to head quarters. General Washington won­dered at the spirit and atchievement of the fel­low, and asked him, how he, a single man, could capture five? Why, says the Irishman, Please your excellency, by Jasus I surrounded them!—The General laughed heartily, gave him a sum of money, and promoted him to a halbert.

[Page 28] Some time since, a person on his travels through Coventry, in the state of Connecticut, stopped at the house of the Rev. Joseph Hunt­ington, D. D. and acquainted the doctor, that he had been preaching at Susquehannah for a considerable time, but was so unfortunate as to be driven from his possessions by the Indians, who had destroyed his property. He added that he was on his way to Massachusetts, where he had some friends, and asked charity of the doctor. The latter was liberal and hospitable to the stranger, and told him as it was Satur­day, and it would be improper for him to tra­vel on the Sabbath, he might refresh himself at his house both days. The offer was accept­ed; and Dr. Huntington invited his guest to assist him next day in the duties of his func­tion; but he declined, alledging as a reason, that his cloths were not sufficiently decent to appear in the pulpit. To obviate this diffi­culty, the doctor offered him a suit of clothes almost new. The objection being removed, the pretended clergyman agreed to assist his brother, and, in order to prepare himself, de­sired to be left alone that evening, to study his discourse. A sire was accordingly made in his bed chamber, whither he repaired with his new garb, at the same time acquainting the doctor, that he must study till late at night, and hoped no noise he might make would dis­turb the repose of the family. Sunday morn­ing came, and the preacher being sent for to breakfast, was not to be found. He had de­camped in the night, a la fourdine, and carried off the clothes, so well suited to his newly as­sumed clerical dignity, leaving behind him the [Page 29]following apposite text, written at the top of the paper, intended for his discourse, "Ye shall seek me, and shall not find me, and where I am, thither ye cannot come." John vii. 34.

A mad man having broke from confinement, was parading through the streets of Boston, with a loaded musket, which he had seized, and swearing that he would kill the first man that attempted to stop him. Governor Leveret ad­vancing towards him, accosted him thus, "Ho, brother soldier, have you learned your exer­cise?'—He answered, "Yes," "Then stand to your arms, while I give the word of com­mand'." The man seemed pleased, and stood bolt upright, with his gun shouldered. The Governor then began—"Poise your firelock; rest your firelock—order your firelock; ground your firelock." The man obeved. "Face to the right about; march." As soon as he began to step, the Governor advanced, took up his gun, and beckoning to the bystanders, they in­stantly seized him, and carried him to the place of confinement.

An extravagant young fellow, being accused by one of his friends, of mismanaging his es­tate, who said I am sorry to see you carry your­self so; for I see you have all the properties of a prodigal: Nay, says the other, pr'ythee don't say so, for I never yet fed with swine: true, said he, but the reason was, because no­body would trust you with their swine.

A taylor having pressed a certain gentleman in his neighbourhood for the payment of a very long bill, day after day to no purpose, told him plainly at last, that he would take a new mea­sure, and work him to Westminster hall. The [Page 30]gentleman was a man of too much honour to discharge debts of justice, and therefore Mr. Buckram cut out a suit for him in the court, though he is determined not to make it up till his debt is discharged.

Two persons in company laid a wager which of them could reach the highest; a third, who was remarkable for tricking and taking in the unwary in the way of business, got up and pro­posed a bet of two bottles to one, that he could reach higher than any of them. One of them replied with a sneer, "Yes, sir, we all know perfectly well that you can over reach any of us."

A methodist was giving a neighbour of his a lecture against swearing; assuring him that if he disregarded his admonition, and persisted in that wicked practice, he would certainly go to hell when he died. If I do I'll be damn'd, replied the other.

A very tall man going one day to enquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No, sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I will go and call him.

A melting sermon being preached in a coun­try church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another par­ish.

A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the [Page 31]countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant you: But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse, and swear. Why, you whore son rascal, said he to the ditcher, did you not tell me it was hard at the bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet.

A druken fellow carrying his wife's bible to pawn for a quartern of gin to the ale house, the man of the house refused to take it. What a pox, said the fellow, will neither my own word, nor the word of God pass with you.

A certain justice of the peace, that was not far from Clerkenwell, in the first year of king George I. when the fellow, whom he hired to officiate as his clerk, was reading a mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini, 1714, How now, said he, with some warmth, and why not Georgio Domini? sure you forget yourself strangely.

A certain Dutch justice of the peace, in Newyork (when an English province) having issued a summons, returnable on the Sabbath day, the constable into whose hand it was put to be served, being a fellow of some humour, returns the summons agreeably to date; the justice expecting it to be of some other nature, perused it, and finding what it was, said in a great passion, vat de deval you brings dis do day [...]or? Why, replied the constable, see whether it is not returnable this day, and should I neglect my duty, you would, no doubt, report to the grand jary, and in all probability have me severely fined; upon which the justice with a loud voice proclaimed, [Page 32]I adjourns dis courts till next wendsday, and calls to his son, saying, Hauns, look off de al­manac, and see, as dat vil be on de Sunbaths day?

The epithets and figures that some people make use of in telling a story, are truly ridic­ulous and laughable. A person once related what had happened to him in the following words: "I was crossing a large field, and when I came pretty near the middle, a bull followed me, and roared like thunder; I flew like lightning to keep out of his clutches; and being in such a tedious hurry in getting over the stile, I tore my breeches as if heaven and earth were coming together.

The same person speaking of an acquaintance of his, said, he was a prodigious little man, could walk a mortal great pace, that he had a brave appetite, and he believed he would live a deadly long time.

A person speaking of another, said, he was a bloody good natured fellow, that he was damn­ation honest, a hellish good husband, and dev­ilish charitable to the poor.

As dean Swift was crossing over a ferry at Dublin, turning himself from the passengers, in the stern of the boat, he addressed a poor man near him. Well, friend, what profession are you of? I am a taylor, sir, answered the other, not knowing the dean. Are you mar­ried? said Swift. Yes, sir, replied the taylor. And who wears the breeches? said the dean▪ My a—ss, answered the other.

A poor man going to be transported, was asked in derision by a very ugly fellow, where he was going? Going, said poor Pilgarlick, [Page 33]why I am going to America, among the baboons and monkeys, your relations, have you any message to send them?

A poor man, who had a termagant wife, af­ter a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, if she spoke one crooked word more, he'd beat her brains out. Why then, ram's horns, you rogue, said she, if I die for it.

A man, who had made a very handsome for­tune, from a very mean beginning, happened to have some words with a person who had known him for some time, was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself so many airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years before, when he had hardly a rag to his a—. You lie, [...]irrah, replied he, for seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my a—.

Two brothers coming once to be executed for some enormous crime, the eldest was turn­ed off first, without speaking one word: The other mounting the ladder, began to harrangue the croud, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamenta­ble spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.

Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horse­back, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved [Page 34]by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.

A gentleman calling for small beer at ano­ther gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking. What, said the master of the house, do not you like the beer? It is not to be found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of the dead.

General Lee being one day surrounded, ac­cording to custom, by a numerous levee of his canine favourites, was asked by a lady, if he was fond of dogs? With his usual politeness, he instantly replied, "Yes madam; I love dogs: But I detest bitches."

A white man meeting an Indian, asked him, "whose Indian are you?" To which the cop­perfaced genius replied, I am God Almighty's Indian, whose Indian are you?"

Soon after Sir William Johnson had been appointed superintendant of Indian affairs in America, he wrote to England for some suits of clothes, richly laced. When they arrived, HENDRICK, king of the Mohawk nation, was present, and particularly admired them. In a few succeeding days, Hendrick called on Sir William, and acquainted him that he had had a dream. On Sir William's enquiring what it was, he told him that he had dreamed that he had given him one of those fine suits he had lately received. Sir William took the hint, and immediately presented him with one of the richest suits. The Indian chief, highly [Page 35]pleased with the generosity of Sir William, retired. Some time after this, Sir William, happening to be in company with Hendrick, told him, that he had also had a dream. Hen­drick being very solicitous to know what it was, Sir William informed him, that he had dreamed that he (Hendrick) had made him a present of a particular tract of land (the most valuable on the Mohawk river) of about 5000 acres. Hendrick presented him with the land immediately, but not without making this shrewd remark: "Now, Sir William, I will never dream with you again, you dream too hard for me."

"It is a very dark night, Caesar, take care," says Cato. The caution was a good one—but, like many others, was given too late— For Caesar, striking his foot against the small remains of a post, which time had long been hacking to pieces, measured his length upon the ground, before the friendly caution of Cato had met his ear. "I wonder," says Caesar, rising, and rubbing the mud, &c. from off his holiday suit, "why de dibil de sun no shine in deese dark nights, Cato, and not always keep shining in de day time, when dere's no need of him."

An old gentleman at the point of death, [...]all­ed a [...]aithful negro to him, telling him he would do him an honour before he died. The fel­low thanked him, and hoped massa would live long. I intend, Cato, said the master, to allow you to be buried in the family vault. Ah massa, returns Cato, me no like dat, ten pounds would be better to Cato, he no care were [...]e [...]e buried; besides, massa, suppose we be bur [...]ed [Page 36]togeder, and de devil come looking for massa in de dark, he might take away poor negar man in mistake.

Amongst the many singular anecdotes which lord Mansfield has been accustomed to relate of himself, he used to speak of the following with the most unaffected good humour:—A St. Giles's bird appeared as an evidence before him, in some trial concerning a quarrel in the street, and so confounded his lordship with flang, that he was obliged to dismiss him with­out getting any thing from him. He was de­sired to give an account of all he knew. "My lord," says he, "as I was coming by the cor­ner of the street, I stagged the man." "Pray," said lord Mansfield, "What is stagging the man." "Stagging, my lord; why you see, I was down upon him." "Well, but I don't un­derstand down upon him any more than stagging—do speak to be understood." "Why, an't please your lordship, I speak as well as I can—I was up, you see, to all he knew." "To all he knew!—I am as much in the dark as ever." "Well then, my lord, I'll tell you how it was." "Do so." "Why, my lord, feeing as how he was a rum kid, I was one upon his tibby." The f [...]llow wa [...] at length sent out of court, and was heard in the hall to fay to one of his companions, that he had gloriously queered old Full Bottom.

A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a lottery office, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold there; [...] calling to the clerk, Pray sir, said he, what [Page 37]do you sell here? Loggerheads! cried the other; Do you? answered the countryman: Egad then you have a special trade, for I see you have but one left.

When general Lee commanded a body of the army at an action in the J [...]rseys, he ob­served one of his aid de camps to be rather fearful of the danger he was in, from execut­ing the general's orders. By way of encour­agement, he told his aid de camp, that in one action the king of Prussia had twenty aid de camps slain, and therefore begged he would be [...]ourageous. O, replied the latter, I was not at all alarmed for myself, but was rather ap­prehensive, that the [...]ongress could not spare so many.

Bishop Burnet, [...]o was a tall, large bodied man, preaching o [...]ce with some vehemence before king Charles the Second, closed one of his sentences with a violent thump upon the cushion, and this note of interrogation; "Who dares deny it?" No body, said the king in a whisper, who stands within the reach of that devilish great fist of yours.

The prince of Orange, afterwards king William the Third, preparing for an expedi­tion, one of his officers begged to know what his intention was? Can you keep a secret [...] said the prince. I can, Sir, said the officer; and so can I, replied the prin [...].

A lady being asked, how she [...]iked [...] gentle­man's singing, who had a stinking breath? The words are good, said she, but the air is intol­erable.

King Charles the First, once going to din­ner, [Page 38]when the chaplain was out of the way, told Archee, his jester, to say grace; which he immediately performed thus: All glory be to God on high, and little Laud to the devil. At which all the courtiers smiling, because it reflected on Laud, archbishop of Canterbury, who was a little man; the king told Archee, that he would give an account of him to his grace the archbishop; and what will you do then? said the king. O, said Archee, I'll hide myself in a place where he never will find me.—Where's that, said the king? In his pulpit, replied Archee, for I'm sure he never goes there.

A young boy, remarkable for his shrewdness, had purchased of his play fellow a magpie, which he carried to his father's house, and was seeding it at the door, when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T—T—T— Tom, can your mag t—t—talk yet? Yes, sir, said the boy, better than you, or I'd wring his head off.

In the reign of king Henry the Eighth, a facetious spendthrift nobleman, having lately sold a whole manor, consisting of near a hun­dred tenements, came strutting into court in a new rich suit, saying, "Am not I a mighty man, to bear an hundred houses upon my back?" Which cardinal Wolsey hearing, said, "My lord, you had much better have paid your debts." "What you say is very right." [...]eplied the nobleman, "and I owe your father ^* three half-pence for a sheep's head: come write me a receipt, there's two pence for it."

[Page 39] A famous painter agreed beforehand, for the pri [...]e of a picture with a gentleman, who was not indebted to Nature, either for shape or face; the picture being finished, the gentle­man endeavoured to beat down the price, al­leging that if he did not purchase it, it would lie on the painter's hands. "That is your mistake, says the painter, for I can sell it for double the price I demand." "How can that be?" says the gentleman, "for it is like nobody but myself." "True," replied the painter, "but I will draw a tail to it, (that is the time it will fetch me double) for, then it will make an excellent monkey." The gen­tleman, to prevent being exposed, paid down the money demanded, and carried off the picture.

During the march of a detachment of the American army, through New-Jersey, in the late war, a silver spoon was missed in a house where a party of the troops had been billeted.

Suspicion pitched on a soldier, who was seen to have entered the apartment where the spoon was kept—and he was accused of the theft:

"May I never meet salvation"—exclaimed the soldier—"May I be sunk into the endless regions of perdition, if I have seen—heard of —or taken your spoon,"

"But no one else could have taken it," re­plied the host.

The soldier again went through the "man­ual" of his attestations of innocence—and im­precations against himself if he was guilty.

The landlord looked astonished—and being an honest man, was obliged to believe the [Page 40]soldier—but just on the point to leave the ex­amination—he, taking hold of the button of the soldier's coat, and looking him in the face— said—"Now say upon your honour, that you have not got my spoon—and I shall be satis­fied." "Upon my honor," said the soldier to himself, after thinking for a few minutes— "Upon my honor"—Poh! blast you, he cried—pulling the spoon from his pocket, and giving it to its owner—"Blast your spoon— take your spoon and be d—d."

The host stared with surprise—and while lamenting that the great principles of mo­rality, should have less weight in the mind of an intelligent being, than the principles of what he conceived to be a mere sound—the soldier swung his knapsack, and joining the corps, marched off.

A soldier in the late war having stolen a shirt from a farmer, to whom he would not make restitution—"Well, (said the farmer) if you keep it, you will pay for it in this world or in the next.—"Faith, (replied the soldier) if you will trust so long, I will take another."

A clergyman in New-Jersey, owned a negro by the name of Quash, who was by no means fond of working, and one day told his master he conceived it a hardship, "dai he poor ne­gar man mus worke so hard, and massa do nothing." You are mistaken Quash, my la­bour is more fatiguing than your's; I do head work, and your's is merely bodily exercise. This hint was sufficient for Quash. The next day he was ordered into the woods to procure fuel—but Quash staying longer than usual, the [Page 41]parson repaired to the woods to see what de­tained him—when behold! the first object that presented itself to his view was Quash astride a large maple log in a pensive attitude. When he enquired the cause, Quash starting up and rubbing his midnight brow, oh! massa me— me have been doing head work.—Well let me hear what your head has done.—Suppose massa, dere be five pigeons on dis tree, and you take a gun and soot two of dem, how many dere be left? Why three, you old sinner.—No massa, dem toder tree fly away.

Dr. P. an Irish parson and a remarkably or­dinary man in his person, having a neat par­sonage house very conveniently furnished, was one day shewing it to dr. Berkly, the celebrated bishop of Cloyne. "Well, my lord," says the doctor, after they had returned to the dining parlour, "you see what a nice marriage trap I have got here," "Why, yes doctor," says the bishop, looking him full in the face, "I see you have; but I am afraid you will not find a lady that will relish the bait."

The late excellent wit, counsellor Crips of Cork, who, from a very fine beau, dwindled into a mere sloven as [...] advanced in years, was invited by lady Doneraile to dinner at her country house. Her ladyship, knowing his inattention to dress, told him in the card, that the first personages in the neighbourhood of Doneraile were to dine with her, and request­ed he would be very spruce on the occasion. But the request had no effect upon the coun­sellor; he appeared before her ladyship in an old rusty black coat and waistcoat, with [...] [Page 42]of greasy velvet breeches; which so disgusted her that she lectured him pretty smartly: "If I had not told you," says her ladyship, "in my card, that I expected a brilliant company to dinner, I should not be angry, but I remember I made it a particular request to see you de­cently dressed; instead of which this old coat (taking hold of it) is not fit for a beggar; and the front of your waistcoat begrimed with the nastiest greasy velvet breeches I ever beheld: for shame, counsellor!" "Stop," says the wit; "my coat and waistcoat are old to be sure, and should be thrown aside; but my velvet breeches I have the utmost veneration for,—they are an old pall I carry to cover a dead friend."

When the distinguished duellist, George Robert Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English ambassador introduced him to the French king; prior to which introduction, the ambassador informed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a man of such a mighty prowess, that he had fought thirty duels, and behaved equally brave and honorable in them all. "Then, I think," says the king with a smile, "this gentleman's life would make an admirable appendix to your renowned countryman's history, JACK the GIANT KILLER,"

Miss Hamilton, a maid of honour to the em­press Catharine, wife to Peter the Great, had an amour, which, at different times, produced three children. She had always pleaded si [...]k­ness; but Peter, being suspicious, ordered his physician to attend her, who soon made the discovery. It also appeared that a sense of [Page 43]shame had triumphed over her humanity, and that the children had been put to death as soon as born—Peter enquired if the father of them was privy to the murder; the lady insist­ed that he was innocent, for she had always deceived him, by pretending they were sent to nurse.—Justice now called upon the emperor to punish the offence. The lady was much beloved by the empress, who pleaded for her. —The armour was pardonable, but not the murder. Pet [...]r sent her to the castle, and went himself to visit her; and the fact being confess­ed, he pronounced her sentence with tears; telling her, that his duty, as a prince, and God's vicegerent, called on him for that justice which her crime had rendered indispensably necessary, and that she must, therefore, pre­pare for death. He attended her also to the scaffold, where he embraced her with the ut­most tenderness, mixed with sorrow; and some say, that when the head was struck off, he took it up by the ear, whilst the lips were still trembling, and kissed them: a circum­stance of an extraordinary nature, and yet not incredible, considering the particularities of his character.

The most wonderful ancedote, perhaps, in the world of letters, is the following. Milton, that glory of British literature, received not above ten pounds, at two different payments, for the copy of Paradise Lost; yet Mr. Hoyle, author of the treatise on the game of whist, af­ter having disposed of all the first impression, sold the copy to the booksellers for two hun­dred guineas.

[Page 44] Miss S—, one of the famous Miss H—'s filles de joye, in dancing a masquerade at Car­lislehouse, happened to trip and fall flat on her back;—Foote, who was in a domino, and near her, stooping to take her up, said, "never mind it, my pretty dear—practice makes persect."

The [...]ther of a boy was very fond of his bed, coming into his bedchamber one morn­ing seemingly angry at his sleeping so long, said, "the sun had been up above three hours,"— "That's no great wonder, sir," said the boy, "if I had as many miles to travel to day as the sun has, I would have risen as soon as he."

A certain preacher held forth at St. Mary's without giving his auditory any satisfaction. Sante [...]il, who was present, said, "he did bet­ter last year." A bystander asserted, he must be mistaken; for he had not preached last year. "That is the very reason," said the poet.

A lady on being detected in an amour, re­quested her maid would keep it a secret, and if the other servants knew it, she begged she would bribe them to secresy, for which she gave her some guineas, saying at the same time if her mamma heard of it, she was an undone woman; to which the girl smartly replied, that could not be, for her ladyship was an undone woman already.

Milton was asked by a friend, wether he would instruct his daughter in the different languages? To which he replied, "no, sir, one tong [...] is sufficient for a woman."

A merchant in one of the back towns of Virginia, refusing to give a planter what he [Page 45]thought too high a price, for some country produce, the planter observed to him, that as he must load his waggons for Alexandria or Baltimore, he might safely venture to pay the price demanded, supposing even he should gain ever so little by the bargain. "No," re­plied the merchant, "rather than submit to such an imposition, I'd load my waggons down empty."

A young Swiss recruit, when his [...]egiment­als were making, had procured a round iron plate bordered with small holes, which he de­sired the taylor to fasten on the inside of his coat, above his left breast, to prevent his be­ing shot through the heart: the taylor being a humourous fellow, fastened it in the seat of his breeches, and th [...] cloaths being scarce on his back when he was o [...]ered to march into the field, having no opportunity to have this auk­ward mistake rectified before he found himself engaged in battle, and being obliged to fly be­fore the army, in endeavouring to get over a thron hedge in his way, he unfortunately stuck fast till he was overtaken by a foe, who, on his coming up, gave him a push in the b—h with his bayonet, with no friendly design: but it to [...]kily hit on the iron plate, and push­ed the young soldier cl [...]ar out of the hedge; this favourable circumstance made the Swiss hones [...]ly confess, that the taylor had more sense than himself, and knew better where his heart [...]ay.

Two young soldiers had deserted from the American army and returned to their father's house. Their father incensed at this action, [Page 46]loaded them with irons, and conducted them himself to their general, Lord Sterling. He did what every officer would have done in his place; he pardoned them. The father, as patriotic, but less austere than a Roman, was happy to preserve his children; nevertheless he seemed astonished, and approaching the ge­neral—"My lord, (says he, with tears in his eyes) it is more than I hoped for."

A very fond wife, who had the good of her family greatly at heart, gave information a­gainst her husband for a highway robbery, in order to obtain the reward.

As he was going to be hanged, she came up and said to him, "my dear Bob, I hope you will forgive me, I did it all for the best: and as I knew you must be scragged one time or other, I thought your wife and children might as well benefit by your misfortune as a stranger —never seem to mind it, Bob—tis well it is no worse."

A certain bishop Bluster, on his return to Oxford, from kissing hands at St. James's hap­pened to espy a sign over the door of a beer house, on which was painted the head of bish­op Blaze.—The reverend prelate was so of­fended at the audacity of a tippling house landlord, in thus daring to prostitute clerical dignity, that he ordered the sign to be imme­diately taken down.—A wag of Trinity [...] ­lege pasted the following lines in its room:

[Page 47] A country attorney happened to be at a tav­ern with an honest peasant, and was very facetious at the countryman's expense. They nevertheless agreed to try for a bottle of wine who could make the best rhyme. The lawyer enquired the peasant's occupation, who chear­fully informed him he was a weaver, upon which the lawyer wrote these lines:

The weaver in his turn, enquired the law­yer's occupation, and being informed, "I thought," said he, "you were of the law by the glibness of your tongue, but since you have rhymed about the world, so will I too," and then he wrote,

A Swiss captain burying pellmell in the field of battle, the dead and the wounded, it was represented to him that some of those whom he thus buried were not quite dead, and with care might perhaps recover. "Poh! poh!" said he, "if you take their word for it, there is not a man of 'em, will own himself dead,"

A governor of Virginia being saluted by a negro in the streets of Williamsburg, and im­mediately returning the salute, "how," said a g [...]tleman, "do you demean yourself so far as to salute a slave?"—"Undoubtedly," answer­ed [Page 48]the governor, "I should be very sorry if a slave were to surpass me in civility."

An attorney having a dispute with an old officer, who had lost an eye in the wars, for­got himself so far, as to reproach him with that misfortune, and call him blinkard. "'Tis true," said the veteran, very cooly, "I am a blinkard, but yet I can see better than you: for with my single naked eye I can see a knave in this room; whereas you, with both your eyes cannot see him, till you look into the glass."

A soldier being ordered by monsicur de Vauban to watch the enemy's motions in a particular spot, repaired to the post, and there remained a considerable time, notwithstanding repeated shots from the enemy, one of which went through his body. When ordered back, he returned very deliberately; and, though nearly exhausted with loss of blood, gave a circumstantial account of every thing he had observed. The general, pleased with his be­haviour, offered him a purse of money, which the brave fellow declined, saying, no, sir, that would spoil the whole business.

Lord Strangford, who stammered so much, was telling a bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam's ass spoke, because he was pri—est— "priestrid, sir," said a valet de chambre, who stood behind the chair, my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam could not speak himself; and so his ass spoke for him.

A nobleman having presented king Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killi­grew, [Page 49]who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew goes and examines his tail; What are you doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows, one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; says the last, that bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, says the other, for it is Fuller in the face, Ful­ler in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

An author after reading a play to Quin, which was totally devoid of merit, Quin told him it would not do by any means. I wish, said the author, you could advise me what is best to do with it.—That I can, said Quin: blot out one half, and burn the other.

A thief being brought to be executed, a friend asked him if he was not sorry for hav­ing committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.

Alexander the Great, seeing Diogenes, looking attentively at a large collection of human bones, piled one upon another, asked the philosopher what he was looking for? "I am searching," says Diogenes, "for the bones of your father, but I cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves."

The late Jonas Hanway having hired a coachman, was telling him the duty he requir­ed, concluding, you will attend with the rest of my family every evening at prayers. Pray­ers, [Page 50]sir! says the descendant of Jehu: Why did you never say your prayers? asked Mr. Hanway. I never lived in a praying family, replied the coachman. But have you any ob­jection to say your prayers? No, sir, I have no objection, but hope you will consider it in my wages.

One evening when the passengers got into a stage coach, in a country town in England, they found that one of the corners had been some time occupied by a man who seemed to be asleep, with his hands folded before him, and his hat drawn over his face. The other five passengers, after some time, entered into conversation, and observed that this man still slept on, and took no notice of any thing that was either said or done. In this manner they travelled all night. In the morning at break­fast time, one of his fellow travellers civilly addressed him, and desired he would accompa­ny them, but no answer being returned, they left him to his meditations. After breakfast, when the coachman had swallowed a glass or two of brandy, one of the gentlemen said to him, you have put along with us a very sulky fellow, for he will neither enter into conver­sation, or answer when spoken to. I should wonder if he did, replied the coachman, as he was hung two days ago for horse stealing, and is now going up to a surgeon in London.

A lawyer and his clerk riding on the road, the clerk desired to know what was the chief point of the law? His master said, if he would promise to pay for their suppers that night, he would tell him; which was agreed to. [Page 51]Why then, said the master, good witnesses are the chief points in law. When they came to the inn, the master bespoke a couple of fowls for supper; and when they had supped, told the clerk to pay for them, according to agree­ment. O, sir, says he, where is your good witnessess?

A physician's horse being out of order, he sent him to the farrier to be cured, which be­ing done, the doctor went to pay him. No, said the farrier, We doctors never take any money one of another.

An honest Jack Tar being at a quaker's meeting, heard the friend that was holding forth speak with great emotion, against the ill consequence of givin, the lie in conversation, and therefore, he advised, when a man was telling a tale, that was not consistent with truth or probability, to cry twang, which would not irritate the passions as the lie would. After digressing into the story of the great mi­racle of five loaves of bread, &c. he told them that they were not such lo [...]es as are used now, but were as big as a mountain; at the hearing of which, the [...]ar uttered with a loud voice, twang! What, says the quaker, dost thou think I lie, friend? No, says Jack, but I am thinking how big the ovens were that baked them.

A curate of great learning and merit, but without any view of preferment, found an op­portunity of preaching in Worcester cathedral, when dr. Hough was bishop of that see; the curate made a most excellent discourse, in which he discovered greater abilities than was [Page 52]usually found in the common run of young clergymen. The bishop, who was present, and had remarked him, sent, after service was over, his verger, with a message, desiring to know of the young gentleman his name, and where his living was? My duty to his lord­ship, sir, said he to the verger, and tell him, my name is Lewis; that living I have none, but my starving is in Wales. His lordship was not displeased with the humour of his answer, and in a short time remembered to provide for him.

Dean Swift having preached an assize ser­mon in Ireland, was afterwards invited to dine with the judges, and having in his dis­course considered the use and abuse of the law, he had bore a little hard upon those counfel­lors who plead causes which they know in their consciences to be wrong; when dinner was over and the glass began to go round, a young barrister who happened to be present, took occasion to retort upon the dean, and af­ter many altercations on both sides, the coun­sellor at last asked him, If the devil were to die, whether a parson might not be found, for money, to preach his funeral sermon? Yes, raid Swift, and I would gladly be the man, for I would then give the devil his due, as I have this day his children.

Dean Swift being once travelling through England on foot, came to a market town one evening, where he proposed putting up for the night. As there had been a fair the preced­ing day, the town was crowded with strangers, and it was not without the utmost difficulty he [Page 53]at last procured a lodging in a miserable inn, upon condition a country farmer should be his bed fellow. The dean, it is well known, could never endure a bed fellow, but upon this occasion thought proper to conceal his chagrin, and trust to some lucky thought to rid himself of the farmer's company. After they had been some time in bed together, the farmer began to talk, informing his compan­ion that he had made some pretty clever bar­gains that day in some purchase at vendue— "As for myself," said the dean, in a hoarse hollow voice, "I must confess I have had but very indifferent luck, not having tucked up above seven this assizes,"—"Why, what bu­siness do you follow?" cried the farmer, "I am the hangman of the next county," replied the dean. "You the hangman," shrieked the countryman in a fright. "Yes," said the dean, "and expect to hang nine more next Saturday at Tyburn, one of whom is to be drawn and quartered." The fellow waited for no further reply, but flew out of the bed with the violence of a man in fits, burst open the door, tumbled down stairs in the dark, and awaked the landlord with the noise, who de­manded what was the matter.—"Matter," cri­ed the farmer, "by all the devils in hell, I have been put to bed with the hangman, and never discovered it till this instant; is this the way you use strangers; for God's sake open the door and let me get into the street." The landlord thinking him mad, turned him out into the street without breeches or coat, and the dean was left to enjoy the success of his contrivance.

[Page 54] The late Mr. M. paid his devoirs to a lady, already prepossessed in favour of a Mr. Psalter; her partiality being evident in favour of the latter, the former took occasion to ask, in a room full of company, "Pray, Miss, how far have you got in your Psalter?"—"As far, as blessed is the man."

A young Indian missionary, at a catacheti­cal lecture, demanded of a tawny princess, "How many commands there were?"— "Nine, sir," "What! have not I learnt you ten?"—"Yes, Mr. Minister, and last night you learnt me to break one."

A famous punster, giving his opinion res­pecting the stone chapel, at Boston, observed it was superior to all the churches upon the globe; they boasted of their cannons—this, in addition had port holes—alluding to the smallness of the windows.

A Mr. Wyman who was famed for nothing but his stupidity and indolence, as he was go­ing from home one day, was desired by his wife, not to be gone so much—"She was a­fraid to be left alone"—"Po," said he, "Nought is never in danger"—"I know that," said she, "but Nought's wife is."

As a pretty large number of culprits were one day going to take their last degree at Ty­burn, the wife of one of them pressed through the crowd, and told the sheriff she had come to see her poor husband executed, and begged, "that he might be hanged first in the morn­ing, as she had a great way to go home."

[Page 55] A country inn-keeper engaged a painter, to paint the sign of the bear. The painter asked him whether he would have him, with, or without a chain? "Without a chain," quoth he, "as it is the cheapest." The agreement be­ing made, the painter drew the bear in water colours, so that after a few rainy days, the bear disappeared. Hereupon the innkeeper taxing the painter with foul play, "If you had given me more money," replied he, "I would have put a chain on him: and then, my life for it, he never could have run away."

A gentleman and his man riding into the country, they met a fellow astride upon a cow. The man calls out to his master, O, sir, says he, yonder is a strange sight! a fellow is on horse­back on a cow. That's a bull, said the gentle­man. Nay, sir, said the man, it is not a bull, I know it is a cow by its teats.

A Virginian farmer, happening to be at Norfolk, soon after the arrival of a vessel from Ireland, and observing that some Irish potatoes, which she had brought over, were sold at a good price, resolved to take advantage of this circumstance. Accordingly on his return home, he collected all the eggs, that could be found within ten miles of his plantation; and bringing them to Norfolk on the next market day, strongly recommended them to his cus­tomers, as fine fresh eggs, just imported from Ireland.

Henry Carey, first cousin to queen Eliza­beth, used frequently to attend her majesty in her palace, and was thought very acceptable to her, till a trifling accident happened, by [Page 56]which he forfeited her favour. He was one day walking in a thoughtful mood, in the gar­den before her window; when her majesty, thinking to divert his melancholy, said to him in Italian, what does a man think of when he thinks of nothing at all? On a woman's prom­ise, replied he.—"Cousin, said the queen, I must not confute you," and so retired. Solic­iting afterwards the honour of a peerage, and being denied, he laid the disappointment so much to heart, that he languished for a long time on a sick bed, and at length died of a broken heart.

A wag putting a number of horns into a bas­ket, went about crying, "new fruit in the winter season." A gentleman hearing him, (whose wife by the way, is not accounted a Dian) asked to see some of his fruit. On its being shewn him, he exclaimed, "You rascal! who, do you think, wants to buy horns?" "O sir, replied the wit, though you are pro­vided, I may meet with some who are not."

A lady, not remarkable for the purity of her conduct in the matrimonial line, was extreme­ly diverted one day by the manner in which a girl accosted her—"I have something, mad­am, (said she) that will take a deep stain out of any thing, and make such change, you would hardly believe your own eyes."

"Indeed, (says the lady with a sarcastical smile) if that is the case child, you will soon get a fotune in more than one place, I assure you. If you can get stains out of characters as well as out of clothes, you will rise higher in fame than a balloon. Here and there it, is [Page 57]true, we may meet with a stained coat, or gown, but stained characters swarm in all parts."

"With your leave, then, madam, (said the girl, making a low courtsey) I will begin with yours."

It is recorded to the honour of the famous duke of Orleans, who was regent of France during the minority of the late king, that when a man was hired to murder him, and by his spies procured intelligence of it, instead of endeavouring to defeat the design, he gave orders that the man should be admitted to him. Accordingly he was suffered to pass into the duke's bed chamber one morning early, on pretence of business from the queen. As soon as the duke cast his eyes on him, he spoke thus: "I know thy business, friend, thou art sent to take away my life. What hurt have I done thee? It is now in my power, with a word, to have thee cut to pieces before my face. But I pardon thee, go thy way and see my face no more." The gentleman, stung with his own guilt, and astonished at the excellent nature of this prince, fell on his knees, confessed his design, and who employed him; but fearing to tarry in France, he immediately departed the kingdom, and entered himself into the ser­vice of the king of Spain.

The emperor Charles V. having one day lost his way a hunting in a forest, and being pretty far distant from his company, found himself, after wandering about some time, near an inn, which he entered to refresh himself. Being seated, he saw four men, whose appearance [Page 58]boded him no good; however, he took no notice, but ca [...]ed for what he wanted. These men at first were lying down and pretended to sleep. But one soon rose up, and approaching the emperor, told him, that he had dreamt he ought to take away his hat, and in saying so snatched it from him. A second then came to him, say­ing he had dreamt that his sourtout would fit him very well, and took that from him. A third cast his eye upon his buff jacket, and stript him of it. The fourth dreamt likewise in his turn, and tells the prince not to take it amiss, if he gave himself the trouble to search him, and seeing a gold chain about his neck, to which hung a flagelet, he went to take it from him: stay, my friend, said the emperor to him, before you rob me of this dear little toy, suffer me to shew you the properties of it, and at the same time he began to whistle. His at­tendants who had sought for him throughout the forest, happily arrived near the inn, and on hearing the sound, went in, and were much surprized to see him in that condition. "Be­cause, said [...]e emperor, on seeing them, this set of people—have dreamt just what they pleased, I too am disposed to dream in my turn; and having dosed a little, he said to his attendants, I have dreamt that those gentlemen, the dreamers, all four deserve the gallows: and it is my will that it be fulfilled immedi­ately." They accordingly hanged them all four directly opposite the inn.

When Cromwell was in Scotland with his troops, he went out one morning to see the country, with only a few guards: A Scotch [Page 59]soldier coming, to make himself remarkable by doing some great deed, fired at him from be­hind a dyke; but having missed his aim, Cromwell's guards were going to seize and kill him. "Let him alone, said Cromwell, no way discomposed, and darting a look at the fellow—"You lubberly rascal, if any of my sol­diers had missed such a mark, I would have tied him up to the halberds."

Voltaire being asked, which of his tragedies he was most pleased with, replied, Olympia, "for the same reason, said he, that a man is proud of having a child at seventy five."

Voltaire was passionately fond of dates, sweet oranges, and pomgrannates. In the South of France, the orange being grafted on the pome­grannate, acquires a fine colour: Voltaire would often hold it up, and say, "This must have been the forbidden fruit."

Colonel Bond, who had been one of king Charles the first's judges, died a day or two before Cromwell, and it was strongly reported every where, that the protecter was dead; "No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the devil for his future appearance."

Lord Townshend, when young, being at the battle of Dettingen, as he was marching down pretty close to the enemy, was so very thought­ful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle,) that he took no notice of a drummer's head that was sh [...] off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A ve [...]eran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him [Page 60]the best way in these cases was not to think at all. "Oh! dear sir, says his lordship, with great presence of mind, you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seems to possess such a quantity of brains."

A gambler, being detected some years ago secreting a card, the company, in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of the win­dow of a one pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. Meeting a friend sometime after, he loudly complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do, says the wit, why it is a plain case, never play so high again as long as you live."

James the first, when he was duke of York, took it into his head to visit Milton, merely out of curiosity. In the course of their con­versation, the duke asked Milton, "Whether he did not think the loss of his sight was a judgment upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the first?" The [...] ­mortal bard made the following reply. "If your highness thinks, that the calamities which befall us here, are indications of the wrath of heaven; in what manner are we to account for the fate of the king, your father? The displeasure of heaven must, upon this suppo­sition, have been much greater against him than me, for I have only lost my eyes; but he lost his head."

When madame Barre became the mistress of Louis XV, such an elevation, of one of her mean circumstances, necessarily became the top­ic of conversation. Some young fellows talk­ing [Page 61]this matter over one night at the English coffee house in Paris, a gentleman said, "he remembered her, when she was to be got for a six livre piece." Very true, sir, says another, but she is now risen to a Louis."

The whimsical and immortal author of Tris­tram Shandy, was married to Mrs. Sterne on a Saturday morning: His parishoners had time­ly notice of this circumstance, and knowing he would preach the next morning at his parish church, and desirous at the same time of seeing the bride, they assembled in such crouds, that the church was full, before the bell was done tolling. The bride, as was before expected, made her appearance, and the country folks indulged themselves with the usual observa­tions, till Sterne mounted the pulpit; then every ear was ready to catch the words of his text, which turned out, to their astonishment, to be the following: "WE HAVE TOILED ALL NIGHT, AND HAVE CAUGHT NO FISH." The congregation looked at each other, some smil­ed, others stopped their mouths with their handkerchiefs to prevent them from laughing, while the old folks wore very serious faces, and thought the humourist a very odd sort of fish for a pulpit lecturer: However, they at­tended to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, very instructive; and all went home ve­ry highly delighted with the text, but poor Mrs. Sterne, who blushed down to the finger's ends every step of the way to her house.

The famous John Baptist Santeuil, the Lat­in poet, being with a Parisian husband, who was lamenting the infidelities of his wife: "A [Page 62]mere [...] bite, said the poet, or less, as it is only [...] [...]inary complaint; few die of it, and [...] with it."

The [...] David Hume, Esq lived in the new tow [...] [...]dinburgh; between which and the old town, there is a communication by means of an elegant bridge over a swamp. De­sirous one day to cut his way shorter, Mr. Hume took it into his head to pass over a temporary one, which had been erected for general accommodation, till the new one could be completed. Unfortunately, part of the temporary one gave way, and our illustrious philosopher found himself stuck in the mud. On hearing him call aloud for assistance, an old woman hastened to the spot, from whence the found seemed to proceed; but perceiving who he was, refused giving him any help. "Why, (cried she) are you not Hume, the atheist?" "Oh no! no! no! (returned the philosopher) I am no atheist! indeed you mistake, good woman, you do indeed!" "Let me hear then (returned the woman) if you can say the be­lief."—Mr. Hume accordingly began the words, I believe in God, &c. and finished them with so much propriety, that the old wo­man, convinced of his christian education, charitably afforded him that relief, which otherwise she would have thought it a duty of religion to deny him.

A military gentleman, coming to Foote in an elegant new phaeton, at parting desired Foote would come to the door just to look at it:— "'Tis a pretty thing." said the son of Mars, "and I have it on a new plan."—"Before I [Page 63]set my eyes on it," said Foote, "my dear friend, I'm afraid you have it on the old plan, —never to pay for it."

Santeuil having a confessional dress on, ei­ther to say vespers, or to muse upon some pro­duction, a lady, who took him for a confessor, threw herself upon her knees, and recounted all her sins. The poet muttered something to himself, and the good penitent thinking he was reproaching her for her wickedness, hast­ened the conclusion of her confession; when she found the consessor quite silent, she then asked him for absolution. "What, do you take me for a priest?" said Santueil. "Why then," said the lady, quite alarmed, "did you listen to me?" "And why,' replied Santeuil, "did you speak to me?" "I'll this instant go and complain of you to your prior," said the enraged female. "And I," said the poet, "am going to your husband to give him a full ac­count of your conduct."

A player told a lady that she looked bloom­ing as the spring, but recollecting that the season was not then very promising, he added, I would to God, the spring would look like your ladyship!

In the war in Flanders, when the earl of Stair was commander in chief, after a severe battle, which lasted from morning till evening, and terminated in favour of the British troops, a veteran soldier, excessively fatigued, was resting on his arms, and looking very grave; Lord Stair coming by, asked him why he look­ed so dull?—"Dull! your honour? I am not dull; I'm only thinking what a damned hard day's work I have done for a groat"

[Page 64] The late earl of Chatham who bore no good will to a certain physician, was rallying him one day about the inefficacy of his prescrip­tions. To which the doctor replied, "he de­fied any of his patients to find fault with him. —"I believe you," replied the witty earl, "for they are all dead."

A counsellor of Grenada having refused to pay the sum of one hundred pistoles for an im­age of St. Antonio de Padua, which Cano, a Spanish artist, had made for him. The coun­sellor astonished at the price demanded, began to compute how many pistoles per day Cano had earned whilst the work was in hand: you have been five and twenty days carving this image of St. Antonio, said the niggardly arith­metician, and the purchase money demanded being one hundred, you have rated your la­bour at the exorbitant rate of four pistoles per day, whilst I, who am a counsellor, and your superior, do not make half your profits by my talents!—Wretch, cried the enraged artist, to talk to me of your talents—I have been fifty years learning to make this image in twenty­five days, and so saying, he flung it with the utmost violence upon the pavement. The affrighted counsellor escaped out of the house, with the utmost precipitation, concluding that the man who was bold enough to demolish a saint, would have very little remorse in de­stroying a lawyer.

William Whiston dined with lady Jekyll, who, because she was sister to lord Somers, thought she must know more than other wo­men. [Page 65]She asked him "why God Almighty made woman out of the rib?" Wh [...]on scratched his head and said, "indeed, madam, I don't know, except that the rib is the most crooked part of the body."

A gentleman of Gascoine who inherited two thousand crowns a year from his father, com­menced marquis at Paris, and being a gay vola­tile genius, soon got the better of his fortune, and was reduced to the lowest ebb of wretched­ness. Yet, in the midst of it, he never lost his spirit and courage, or impotently repined at what was not to be remedied: but with the small pittance he had left he purchased a [...]ule, and turned water carrier. Sometime after­wards, as he was trafficking his merchandize up and down the streets, he happened [...]o meet two of his old companions, who would have a­voided him for fear of giving him pain at be­ing caught in such an equipage. But he pre­vented them, sprung forward and saluted them with his usual freedom, and, when they seemed to pity his ill fortune, briskly interrupted them by saying, that he had forty thousand crowns worth in the Seine, but for want of servants, he was obliged to sell it himself.

The wife of a noble Venetian having seen her only son dying, abandoned herself to the most exquisite grief. A friar endeavoured to console her. "Remember Abraham, said he, whom God commanded to plunge a dagger, with his own hands into his son's heart, and who obeyed without murmuring." "Ah! father, (replied she with impetuosity) God nev­er commanded such sacrifices to be made by a mother.

[Page 66] Dr. Pitcairn, who practised about fifty years ago, being called to a bricklayer on whom a chimney, which he had just erected, had fallen, finding the man dead, gravely turned round and repeated the following apposite quotation: —"Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord, for they rest from their labours, and their works follow them."

An officer, who little deserved the dignity, foreseeing and trembling at the dangers of a battle, requested of the D [...] de Vendome, leave of absence to go and see his father who was ill. "Go, sir, go," says the duke, "obey the commandment—Honour your father and moth­er, that your days may be long."

A dispute which happened some time since about a box at the opera house in Paris, occa­sioned a suit before the tribunal of the marchals of France: This tribunal receives complaints against military men upon affairs of honour, and in all cases in which military officers are accused of having behaved in a manner unbe­coming gentlemen. A young clerical buck of distinguished birth, had taken one of the box­es at the opera house. A marechal of France had set his heart upon the same box, and re­quested that the Abbe would resign it to him: This the latter peremtorily refused to do; up­on which the ma [...]echal had recourse to violent measures, and took by force what he could not obtain by fair means. The Abbe, in order to obtain satisfaction for the affront that had been put upon him, lodged a complaint against the marechal, in the court of the marechals of France, and petitioned that he might be per­mitted [Page 67]to speak in person in support of his charge. The prayer of the petitioner was readily granted.—He began by expressing his high sense of the honour he enjoyed in being permitted to plead before so illustrious an as­sembly; at the same time that he felt uncom­mon concern that he had been obliged, in vin­dication of his own honour, to bring a charge against a person who had the honour of being a member of the court: He rejoiced, however, when he reflected, that they were too just and too equitable to refuse him justice, even against one of their own brethren. He did not think proper at first to name the accused in his speech, but took an effectual way of mortisying the general, by shewing which of the marechals was not the accused, and by mentioning the most memorable exploits of each. "It is not, (said he) of marechal such an one that I com­plain; it is not of marechal Broglio, who so gloriously distinguished himself in the last German war; it is not marechal Clermont Tonnerre, who has rendered his name so fa­mous by the most masterly retreats; it is not marechal de Contades, so renowned for his victories; it is not marechal de Richeliou, who took Minorca: He of whom I complain, never took a place in his whole life but my box at the opera house," and here he named the accused. The lords Generals by no means ex­pected so severe a conclusion; they were sur­prised, and at the same time not displeased at it: After a short deliberation they resolved that the Abbe had just grounds of complaint; but that the court, thinking he had obtained [Page 68]sufficient satisfaction by the turn he had given to his arguments, and the severe and witty conclusion of his speech, would not condemn the accused to any further punishment than he had already suffered from the satirical turn of the accused.

A braggadocio swore that he met with two great enemies at one time, and he [...]ost one so high in the air, that if he had had a baker's basket full af bread, he would have starved in the fall; and the other he struck so deep into the earth, that he left nothing to be seen but his hand and one arm, to pull his hat off to thank him.

A good judge of painting, was shewn a pic­ture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended, and asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord's command­ments. What do you mean by that? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters un­der the earth.

A philosopher being blamed by a stander by, for defending an argument weakly against the emperor Adrian, replied, what, would you have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

A poor fellow, who had grown rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condi­tion, and took great state upon him, was met one day by one of his acquaintance, who ac­costed him in a very humble manner, but hav­ing [Page 69]no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

A taylor sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him, he must needs have the money. Did you tell your master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bade me tell you that he was.

A young gentleman having g [...]t his neigh­bour's maid with child, the master, a serious man, came to expostulate with him about it. I wonder, said [...] you could do so? "Pri­thee where is the won [...]?" said t [...]e other, "if she had got me with child, you [...]ight have wondered indeed."

A sharper of the town, seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, do you smoke, sir? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon me.

A Scotch bagpiper travelling to Ireland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his proven­der was all gone—At length he took up his pipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said Sawney, an I had ken'd you la'd music sa weel, you should have had it before dinner.

[Page 70] A drunken fellow, having sold all his goods to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too: when being reproved for it by some of his friends; why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?

When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his captain, that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the captain, prithee what is he? "A butcher, sir," replies the seajeant, and your honour will have double service for him, for we had two sheep stealers in the company before."

A plain countryman bringing his daughter to town, said, though she was brought up al­together in the country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, says a pretty young female in company, country sense. Why faith madam, says the man, country sense is better sometimes than city impudence.

A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit a­gainst the French, with forces that were un­likely to achieve the enterprize, the captain advised the colonel to send but half so many men? Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be killed.

A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black: take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him, put on your spectacles, your honour, answered the dyer.

A gentleman standing at the window of his house with his wife, whom he had married a few days before, and seeing a beautiful young [Page 71]woman pass along, he said to his wife, my dear soul, I will make you laugh; you must know that I had to do several times with that girl before she married, but she was so silly as to go and tell her mother of it. His wise repli­ed, O! the filly brainless wretch, I in like manner have had to do an hundred times with our coachman and footman, and never said a word of it to my mother.

Lord Chatham making one of a party at whist, one of the gamesters, with a bitter oath declared, he had the worst hand in the com­pany; a considerable bet was proposed and a­greed to by his lordship, [...]hat he had a worse. He pulled off his glove, and shewed his gouty hand, when the company unanimously pro­nounced in his lordship's favour.

Sirrah, says a justice to one brought before him, You are an arrant knave. Says the pri­soner, Just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.

It is a custom with some of the surgeons who beg the bodies of condemned malefactors, to go to the jail, and bargain for the carcase with the criminal himself. An honest fellow did so lately in London, and was admitted to the condemned men on the morning whereon they were to die. The surgeon communicated his business, and fell into discourse with a lit­tle fellow, who refused twelve shi [...]ings, and insisted upon fifteen for his body. A fellow, who had killed the officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and like a man who was very wil­ling to deal, told him, Look you, Mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who has been half starv­ed [Page 72]all the days of his life, and is now half dead with fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have ever lived highly and freely, my veins are full, I have not pined in imprisonment; you see my crest swells to your knife, and after Jack Catch has done, upon my honor, you will find me as sound as ever a bullock in any of the markets. Come, for twenty shillings I am your man.—Says the surgeon, Done, there is a guinea.—The rogue took the money, and as soon as he had it in his fist, cries,—a bite, a bite, I am to be hanged in chains.

The dutchess of Kingston was always re­markable for having a very high sense of her own dignity: Being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals, that was unloading in a very narrow street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, to [...]p a woman of qual­ity in the street? Woman of quality, replied the man; Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don't you see my arms upon my carriage. Yes, I do indeed, and a pair of damn'd coarse arms they are.

Three citizens walking in the fields, one said, we should have a great year of black berries; for, said he, the last week I plucked a handful of the fairest red black berries that ever I saw. A second person laugh'd at him, saying, red black berries is a bull. But the third person, with much gravity, justify'd what the former had said, and very sagely asked, are not black berries always red when they are green?

[Page 73] A certain senator, who is not, it may be suppose [...] the wisest man in the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head, when another speaks; which giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the indig­nity shewn to him; but one who had been acquainted with the first gentleman from a child, as he told the house, assured them, that it was only a bad habit he had got, for though he would shake his head, there was nothing in it.

A maid was once making black puddings, and her dame told her, That the stuff looked dry, there was not blood enough in it. Tru­ly, dame, says she, I think there is blood e­nough, for my nose has bled this half hour, and all dropped into the bowl. I would they were in your guts, says her dame. Truly, says the maid, so I intend they shall be when they are boiled.

A Faulconer being a hawking in the coun­try, by chance came to a little alehouse, stand­ing alone in a wood; and being on horseback, knocked at the door, upon which a little girl came out; then says he to her, I pray, virgin, do me the kindness to fetch me a coal of fire to light my tobacco. Then she ran in to her mother, and told her that he called her virgin: Out comes the mother in a great fury, and told him, he was a rogue to call her daughter virgin, she would have him to know, she kept no such cattle in her house; for though she was poor, she kept an honest house, and shut the door upon him, and told him, he should have no fire there.

[Page 74] A citizen's wife was telling one that she had been in the country, and saw how wheat, rye, barley and oats grew; but she could nev­er tell how malt grew. Why truly, neigh­bour, says another, the women in the coun­try do spin the malt together. On my troth, says she, I believe so too, for I see the threads hang out at the ends of it.

Some gentlemen were fitting at a Coffee­house together, one was asking what news there was? The other told him, there were forty thousand men rose today: which made them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, and what they did intend? Why faith, says he, only to go to bed at night again.

A girl that had a month's mind to be mar­ried, on the wedding day at night, says she (to one of her comrades) when I was to go to bed, I unlaced, and laced myself again, and pulled off my shoes and stockings, and put them on again: But when I was to go into bed, said I, O lackaday, must I lie with a strange man to night! And when I was in bed, I bethought myself how I should lye; for if I should turn my face to him he'd think I was bold; and if I should turn my back to him, he would say I was unmannerly: There­fore I was resolved to lie upon my back, let come what would.

A country fellow brought a letter to a gen­tleman's house, but he not being at home, left it with a monkey that stood at the door; the gentleman hearing of it, when he met the man, was very angry with him: Sir, says he, an't please your worship, I delivered it to your [Page 75]son, who was at the door. My son! says he, 'twas a monkey. Truly Sir, said he, I thought it was your son, it was so like you.

A rich and covetous counsellor of this king­dom, that had an only child, which was a daughter, and worth twenty thousand pounds, a young handsome gentleman of good birth, though of no great fortune, yet had so far in­finuated himself into the young lady's favour, that she had promised him marriage, if he could get her father's consent. Immediately he comes for London, and goes to her father, and told him, That he would give him ten pounds for a fee, if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him; which was, That there was a rich young heiress in town, which had promised him marriage, if it could any way be made good in law. Why, says he, let her hire a horse, and invite you to take her away, and let her get up before, and you behind, that it may not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you: and let her go to the minister, and tell him, it is her desire to be married to you, and so get a license accordingly; and when you are marri­ed, then be sure to bed, and I'll warrant you she is your own. And this, says the gentle­man, you will avouch for law? He told him, Yes. Well, Sir, says he, if you will set your hand to it, I'll give you ten pounds more; which he did. Immediately he goes into the country, and shews the young lady what was done, and how it was done; and she according­ly performed her promise, and suddenly mar­ried and bedded; and so having continued a [Page 76]week, they both came to London, and came to her father, and fell down upon their knees to him, and craved a blessing; which made him at first fly into harsh language, but the gentle­man said, We have done nothing but what you have avouched for law, and have it un­der your hand. The lawyer fearing his repu­tation might be brought into question, and see­ing him to be a handsome and well bred gen­tleman, and of a good family, clapt both their hands together, and said, God bless you: And then gave them a subsistence for the present, and made over all to them after his death.

A strange gentleman being much necessitat­ed for a house of office in the city, and being unacquainted, went into an Upholsterer's shop, and bid him shew him a close stool; Then he shewed him one: What, says he, have you no better? Yes, say he, all of coloured velvet. Go, says he, fetch me two or three down. In the mean time he lets down his breeches, and sat down: The Upholsterer coming down, and seeing him in that posture, asked him what he was doing? Why, truly, says he, I am trying of it. And plucking up his breeches again, said, he did not like any of them, for they were all too low for him, and so went out of doors.

A Scottish minister being chaplain to an English regiment of foot, in the time of the rump parliament, at St Edmundsbury in Suf­folk; and there as he was preaching to them, said, good Lord, bless the grand council above (viz. the parliament) and grant they may all hang together; which a country fellow that [Page 77]stood underneath, hearing, said, yes, Sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all good people. But good friends, says the parson, I do not mean as that naughty man means; but I pray that they may all hang together in accord and con­cord. Yes, says the fellow again, in any cord, so it be but a strong cord: And when he had so said, he slipt away from the company.

A schoolmaster always used to dictate to his scholars, H [...]non [...]est Litera; that is, H [...] is no letter; and on a time he called one of his schol­ars to him, and bid him heat the caudle, and when he asked for it, the scholar told him, that he had done with the caudle as he bid him. What is that? says his master. Why, Sir, says he, I did eat it. Sirrah, says he, I hid you heat it with an [...]h. Yes, Sir, says he, but I did eat it with bread, for you often said h [...] was no letter.

An extravagant young fellow, being accused by one of his friends, of mismanaging his es­tate, who said I am sorry to see you carry your­self so; for I see you have all the properties of a prodigal: Nay, says the other, prithee don't say so, for I never yet fed with swine: True, said he, but the reason was, because no­body would trust you with their swine.

An apothecary in Oxford spoke to a coun­tryman, by way of jeer, to bring him some live rats, and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them: About a fortnight afterwards he brought them; and the apothe­cary told him he was provided the day before. The country fellow seeing he was abused, was [Page 78]resolved to be quit with him. I am unwilling (seeing I have brought them) to carry them back again; and told him, he would take the money out in physick, at some time or other; and so opened his bag, and let them about the shop, where they did so whisk up and down the shelves, that in a little space they broke him about forty pots and glasses, and could never get rid of them since.

A fellow was accused before a justice for calling a woman whore: The justice asked him why he did so? He told him, because he had lain with her above a hundred times: O pray, Sir, says she, do not believe him: For he never lay with me but three times in his life, and then he promised to give me half a crown a time; but I will assure you, Sir, I never received one penny of him: And why did you not ask him for it? says the justice. Indeed, Sir, says she, I did often call upon him for it; nay, called him rogue too, because he would not pay me. Why then, says the justice, do you think him a rogue? Yes, truly, Sir, says she, to aggravate the matter, he is a very rogue. Nay, says the justice, then it is pity that a rogue and a whore should be part­ed, and so sent them both to prison together: Then they both entreated him. Nay, says the justice, confess and be hanged; and so sent them both a way.

A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse him, and spurn at him, why he did not spurn at him again? Why, truly, says he, I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass should kick me, must I needs kick him again?

[Page 79] A man in a bitter cold winter's night was passing through the street, and seeing all abed, and no candle in any window neither, be­thought himself of this project: He went up and down, crying, fire! fire! which made several come to their windows. They asked him, Where? Where? He told them, he did not know, for if he did, he would go to it and warm himself: For, says he, I am devilish cold.

A notable fellow, as it is said, that would not be drunk above seven days in the week; and when he was drunk, was so besotted that he knew not what he did: Once his 'prentice was sent by his wife to fetch him home, and when he found him out, he found him reeling ripe also. As they came down a hill, it being a moonshine night, he saw the reflection of the bell signpost upon the ground, and it seems took it for a block, and went to lift his leg o­ver it. His apprentice having him by the arm for his supporter, asked him what he meant by that? Why, says he, to go over this block. He told him, it was no block. What is it then, says he? It is a sign, says the boy. What sign, I prithee? Why, master, it is a sign you are drunk.

Some gallants were sitting merrily a drink­ing a pot of nappy ale, wherein they had sev­eral discourses of experiments; one of them said, that he could make it appear, that though there were four sides to a house that stands alone, yet there is a way to make it rain but on one side. Then they desired him to tell them how. He said he would for two pots. [Page 80]Content, said they. Then he told them, You know, though there is four sides of a house, yet there is really but two; that is, the outside and the inside; so that if you can keep it from raining in, it will only rain on the outside.

A country woman upon a Sunday, she not being well, bid her maid go to church that afternoon; and after sermon was done, her dame asked her, What was the text? She said, truly, forsooth, dame, the text was said before I came. Well, said she, What said he in the middle of his sermon? Truly, said she, I was asleep then. Well, what did he say at the latter end? Indeed, forsooth, said she, I went away before it was done. Well, however, I will have you tell me some­thing of it. What, says she, d'ye think I am a blab of my tongue? No, I warrant you, I was better bred than so.

A precise woman undertook to chastise her daughter, and charged her to look no more upon men; but instead of that, when you are in their company, you must still look upon the ground. No, mother, says she, I beg your pardon for that, for I see you do not read the bible often: For we ought to look upon men from whence we come; and they on the ground from whence they come; and if I should not look on them, How should I know whether I like them or not? And mother, I have often heard, that when you were a maid, you never went to church, but to shew your sine clothes, and look upon young men. Well, thou hast convinced me; prithee child take thy own course.

[Page 81] Some apprentices in London being one Christmas time to act a play, when they were perfect, they went to a grave citizen, and de­sired him to lend them his clothes to act a play in: No, says he, nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.

A fellow was by the Judge condemned to lose his ears for perjury, and after he had stood long in the pillory, the executioner was going to cut off both his ears, but when he went to lay hold on them, found nothing but the places where they had been. What a pox, said he, you rogue, do you abuse me, to put me to the trouble and charge to cut off your ears, and now all is ready, you have no ears, you dog? Well, says he, I'll go to the Judge, and tell him that you were condemned before for perjury, but now I'll indite thee for cozenage. Why, friend, says the man, the order runs, That I should lose my ears; but it does not bind me, that I should find you ears to cut off. I think I have done you a cour­tesy, seeing I have saved you so much labour.

A Frenchman coming late by Ludgate one night, says one of the watch to him, stand, and come before the constable. Begar, says he, dat is very pretty: I cannot stand, and come before the constable too. Stand, I say, says another, and come before the constable. At which the French­man laughed heartily; saying, begar des men be all ingenious: Stand, and come before the constable! At last the constable appears: Sir, says he, Whither are you going? Begar dat is very pretty too: Mr. constable, I love you very much, great deal, well, 'cause you be so [Page 82]like my wife: For when I go out a doors, she says, husband, Whither are you going? Just like you, Mr. constable. Sir, says he, Whith­er are you going now? Begar, Mr. constable, me be going dere where you dare not go. Where is that, says the constable? Why, be­gar, says he, to bed to mine own wise: Mark you dat, Mr. constable, do; and still laughed on; so that the constable to be rid, as he thought, of such impertinency, let him go.

A simple rumpish minister, as he was riding one afternoon to a parsonage which he had eight miles from Oxford, which he used to do every Saturday, (that is, if it was fair) to preach there on Sunday; but if it was other­wise, then one of the junior Fellows of the College, where he was head, was sent in his room. This said minister seeing a boy at plough in the fields with oxen, (who it seems was a smart knave) rid up with his man to him, and there began to catechise the boy. After the boy had answered him hand pat to all his questions, which the parson admired. Now, Sir, says the boy, I hope you will give me leave to ask you a question: Yes, boy, says he, with all my heart. Pray, Sir, says he, then tell me who made these oxen? God, says the parson. Nay, that's a lie, says the boy; for God made them bulls, but my father made them oxen. And so drove away the plough and whistled on still; and though the parson asked him many other questions, yet he took no notice of him, nor did not afford him anoth­er word.

[Page 83] Three young conceited wits sitting in a tav­ern very merry, it chanced that a grave old gentleman with a gray beard, looked into the room, whom as soon as they espied, to shew their wit one saluted him with the name of father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob. I am, said the gentle­man, neither father Abraham, Isaac, nor Ja­cob, but Saul the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and here I found them, and here I leave them.

A cheating moneyless traveller coming to an Inn, sent for a shoemaker to bring him choice of boots: The shoemaker brings him three or four pairs, and one pair very well fit­ted him: Being both drawn on, he asked the price; he was told it; but the traveller de­fired the shoemaker that he would trust him till that day sevennight, and he would pay him faithfully; but the shoemaker said, he was a stranger to him, and required prefent payment, or his boots again. The other per­ceiving there was no hopes of prevailing, gets to the Inn gate, discoursing; and having de­signed his ways, runs quite through the town, and the shoemaker after him, crying out, stop him, stop him, stop him; and some going to stop him, he cried out, Pray do not stop me; we two run a race for a wager, I in boots, he in shoes and stockings; which the people be­lieving, some cried. Well run boots; others, well run shoes and stockings: Boots wins the wager, if it were for a hundred pounds. Thus the poor shoemaker was run out of his boots, and almost out of his wits.

[Page 84] An Englishman and a Scotchman were both in the hold of a ship together, in the last en­gagement at sea; and as they were in the hoat of the sight, says the Englishman to him, Come, let us go up and partaken with our brothren in the fight, and not stand here like drones, and do nothing. By God, says he, with all my heart. And as the Englishman led the way, when he was half way up, a great bullet came in, and cut him just in two in the middle. Udsbroad, says the Sco [...]chman, what the d [...]'el dost gang up to fight, and leave thy A—se behind thee.

A reverend old woman that had lived sev­enty odd, or th [...]abouts, and being something unsatisfied in her religion, went to the minis­ter of the town, who was a Presbyter; and having asked her many questions, at last asked her, How many commandments there were? Truly, sir, saith she, an please your worship, I do not know, for I never minded any of them all. Then he called down his maid Ann, and bade her name them all to her, and she named nine of them: What says he, is the [...] but nine? No, sir, says she, for you and I broke one last night. Nay, says the old woman, if they are so easy to be broke, I am glad I had nothing at all to do with them.

An impudent and brazen faced fellow would almost every day intrude and invite himself to a person of quality's house, always about dinner and supper time; and once at his coming in, the gentleman bade his ser­vant stay dinner awhile. Soon after the fel­low asked one of the servants what time din­ner [Page 85]would come up? Faith, says the fellow, I will assure you, Sir, not before you are gone.

A great German prince that was much ad­dicted to drinking, had drank so much one day, that the next day he was very sick; and being asked by his fool why he was so melan­choly? He told his sickness was occasioned by his drinking hard yesterday: Why then, says the fool, if that be all, I will be your physician; that is, if you are ill with drink­ing one day, the next day take a hair of the same dog. Well, says the prince, and what the second? The fool told him the same [...] ­gain: And what the third day? The same too: And what the fourth? Why, the same. Well, come to the purpose, says the prince: Why then you'll be as arrant a fool as I am.

A gallant once meeting in Covent Garden with a handsome, and it seems, smart lass, with her maked breaits appearing very largely; says he, I pray, Mistress, is that flesh to be sold? No, says sue, no money shall buy it. Well, says he, then let me advise you, if you will not sell, you should shut up your shop.

A woman in twenty weeks after marriage, was brought to bed of a boy: How now, says her husband, methinks this is a little too soon. No, husband, says she, you mistake, for we married only a little too late. Faith, and I think so too, says he [...] and if ever we happen to marry again, we will be sure to marry a lit­tle sooner, or not marry at all, for this trick. But, husband says she, do you not know the custom yet of women going with child: for we go twenty weeks by day, and twenty [Page 86]weeks by night. O then, says he, I am satis­fied.

A lady in this kingdom, hearing that a la­dy, that was a person of quality, did much long for Oysters: she sent a footman of hers, that was an Irishman, to the said lady, with a barrel of Oysters; and as he was going, he met an arch wag by the way, who asked him whither he was going? Then he told him. O Donniel, says he, you must gut them before you go, or else they will poison the lady. I predde, says he, shew me how to do it. So the fellow took them and opened them, and took out all the Oyster [...], and put them into a wooden dish that was by, and then put all the shells again into the barrel. Now, says [...], you may carry them, for they are all [...]. Esait, said Donniel, for this kindness, I'll give thee a pint of wine out of the vails that I shall receive of the lady.

A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him, this charge, That he should never say any thing to him, but what he asked him. A little after he invited two gentlemen to his child's christening; his man according­ly went to them, and acquainted them with it. They bade him thank his master, but let him know they were preengaged, and could not come that day. The knight stayed an hour later than ordinary for their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had spoke to them? Yes, says he, but they said they could not come. You rague, says he, why did not you tell me so before? Why, truly sir, says he, because you did not ask me.

[Page 87] A fair young lady being upon occasion at the assizes in Oxford, and seeing the Sheriff, who was a very fair young gallant, to wait upon the Judge, that was an old man, to and fro, as there was occasion: Her friend asked her, If she was put to her choice, which she had most mind to marry, the Judge or the Sheriff? She told him the Sheriff. Why so? says he. Why truly, says she, I do confess I love judgment well, but I love execution much better.

A Scholar in Oxford hired a horse of an Oxford m [...]n, for two shillings a day, and did engage, that if the horse came to any disafter, he would pay him the price of him, which he said, was six pounds; but after many sendings to and fro, it seem, he did still remember to forget to pay him. The Scholar having some occasion to go to London, was there met by a Bailiff, who very ingeniously said to him, Sir, I arrest you for a horse. The more fool you, says he, do I look like a horse? Why then, says he, I do arrest you. Truly, says he, I thank you for that, for I am very weary with walking. Sir, says he, I do tell you I do ar­rest you for money. Why, I know that, says he, for you won't do it without money I am sure. At last, says he, you Bailiffs are very i­dle fellows. Why so? says he; because, says the Scholar, you still are resting; yet I must confess, sometimes you take a great deal of pains in it.

A gentleman that used to be smart in his rep­artees, once had in his hat a very gallant and rich knot, or favour of gold and silver rib­bon; [Page 88]which some young ladies had a mind to, if they could get it handsomely without begging of it. So one of them said to him, Sir, you have a very fine favour in your hat; and so they said all. Pray, madam, says he to the first, tell me truly, Do you like it? Yes, indeed, Sir, says she. Why then, says he, if you had not liked it, I would have flung it into the fire; but [...]ince you say you like it, I protest I like it better, and am resolved to keep it for your sake.

A man that had been terribly troubled in law suits, went one day to Tyburn, to [...] the execution, and then swore, 'twas better to have to do with Tyburn, than Westminster Hall; for there fuits hang half a year, but at Tyburn, half an hour's hanging ends all.

A man being very much diseased and weak, was bemoaning himself to his only son, whom he loved very well: For, Jack, says he, if I stand, my legs ache; if I kneel, my knees ache; if I go, my feet ache; if I lie, then my back aches; if I sit. my hips ache; and if I lean, my elbows ache. Why truly Father, fays he (like a good dutiful child) I advise you to hang yourself for an hour or two, and if that does not do, then come to me again.

A deaf man was selling pears at the town's end, in St. Giles's, and a gentleman riding out of town, asked him what it was o'clock? He said, ten a penny, master. Then he asked him again, what it was o'clock? He told him, indeed he could afford no more. You rogue, says the gentleman, I'll kick you [Page 89]about the streets. Then says the man, Sir, if you won't, another will.

A gentleman that was accounted a philoso­pher, and a man of slow speech also, had a ve­ry great desire to be dabbling with a pretty young woman, a Vintner's widow, of a smart wit: Then he called for a bottle of sack, and sent for her, but she came not; and another, but she came not; but after the third, up she came, and two or three more with her. Af­ter sitting a pretty while with him, he asked what was to pay? Answer was made, an an­gel; that is ten shillings in our country, says she. Methinks, says he, the word angel had been better, because it came from you: Come, Sir, says she, since you say so, we'll have some mirth before we part. Then she told him there was a creature that spoke but once, and when it died, it went neither to heaven nor hell. He could not tell the meaning of it; she told him it was Balaam's Ass, for an An­gel opened his mouth, but I think we must nave two to open yours; and I am sure there is but one angel in yet. Come, boy, give us more sack, which will be the only way to bring the other angel to open his mouth.

A gentleman lately walking in the strand, was followed by a lusty beggar, who craved his benevolence; he told him, he'd give him nothing: Still he urged him; he bid him be gone, and trouble him no more. Then he im­portuned him the more; Sirrah, says he, you rogue, I'll not give you a farthing. Pray, sir, says the f [...]llow, let me speak but one word to you. What's that, says he, That your wor­ship [Page 90]would but produce me a whore. Why, you rogue, says he, do I look like a Pander? No, sir, said he, but there's a wise man has said, That a whore will bring a man to a mor­ [...]el of bread, which I should be glad of; for I profess, sir, I have seen none these three days, which conceit of his procured him a shilling, and then the gentleman went away. Well, says the fellow, I see that a whore has a great influence upon some men, when but the name of a whore has now got me a shilling.

One time a thief was going to the gallows out of a town, near Norwich, and many boys were running to see the execution; which he seeing, called to them, saying, boys, you need not make such haste, for there will [...]e no sport till I come. What! says a man, Is there but one to be hanged? I will go home again. Do you hear friend, says he, you need not go home, for if you like it so well, pray come and supply my place, for I can afford you a good pennyworth on't.

A drunkard having but one of his eyes left with drinking, was warned by the physicians to leave off tipling, or else he'd lose the other eye also: Faith, says he, I care not if I do; for I do confess ingenuously, I have seen e­nough, but I have not drank enough.

An old man being to swear in a cause before a Judge, the Judge bade him beware that he did not forswear himself; and told him if he did, he might be confident the Devil would have him: Truly, my Lord, says he, I hope the Devil will have nothing to do with me, for I have given him my [...]ldest son already, [Page 91]and I hope he will content himself with him, for I think one out of [...] family is enough for him. Then the Judge bade him explain him­self more clearly: Why truly, my Lord, says he, I have made my eldest son a lawyer, and I believe that all of that profession go to the Devil; for the Devil himself, you know it is said, was a lawyer from the beginning. A liar you mean, says the Judge. Why, says [...] lawyer and a l [...]r is all one. I hope; or else we are all mistaken in our opinions.

A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by his creditors, that they would have him if he was above ground, got himself into a cellar, and there [...]y with the [...]apster; and being reproved for so doing, he told them, There was no fear of their catching him there, because it was under ground; and then they durst not break their oaths, because they swore they would have him above ground.

There is an University in France, where a man may commence Doctor for money, though [...]e be utterly unlearned. It happened that an ignorant German came thither, and having (for his better progress in his degree he hoped to take) invited the doctor or the chair to supper; the German being a little flustered, asked the doctor, if [...]e would take money to make his horse a doctor too? Yes, says he, I may make a horse a doctor, as well as an ass; and so by consequence, your horse as well as yourself.

Two gentlemen standing together, a very beautiful woman passed by; upon which one of th [...]m [...]. There goes the handsomest wom­an [Page 92]that ever I saw. She hearing him turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could in way of requital, say as much by you. Faith, says he, so you may, and lie as I did.

In Ireland a bagpiper coming for England with a knapsack on his shoulder, as he was sitting at dinner in a wood, three wolves be­gan to accost him; then he threw one bread, and another meat, and still they crept nearer to him: Upon which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes and began to play, at which noise the wolves ran away. A pox take you, says he, [...] I had known you had loved mu­sick so well, you should have had it before dinner.

A great Nobleman that was accounted mad by all that came near him, but yet had a great deal of craft withal; one day having got a great rusty horse nail in his hand, he made those in the house believe he had [...]at it. With that all the physicians far and near were sent for; and after a long and serious consultation together, some said, it was good to send it out by way of purgation; others said, they would dissolve it [...]n the body, and yet it should do him no hurt. He sitting by, and hearing all their discourse, told them, they were all fools and mount [...]anks: For, says he, could not you have applied a loadstone to my breech, and that would have drawn it out; for that attracts all iron to it.

A very covetous tradesman had a mind to be married, and yet was afraid for fea [...] of the charge of having children too fast; at last he resolved to marry, and agreed with his wife [Page 93]before marriage, that they would lie together but once a month: And says he, I intend to get every month a joint from head to foot of the child, so by that means we shall not have too many children; but I do it for this rea­son, to ease thee in bringing of them up. Af­ter marriage, it seems he lay with her the first night; and I know not how it came about, but at forty weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave boy, perfectly formed every way. Why, how now, wife, says he, this is not ac­cording to my expectation? Yes, says she, but I may thank my good neighbours, or else, for ought I know, we might have had a deformed child.

At a market town in Yorkshire, there lived a Quaker, that was a barber, and the minister of the parish came to him for twenty shillings for tythes belonging to his parsonage: The Quaker told him he owed him none, nor none he would pay him. The parson told him, it was his due, and if he would not pay him by fair means, he'd get it by foul. The Quaker asked him, for what it was due? He told him for preaching and reading divine service, and other ministerial duties in the church. Why, says the Quaker, I never came there. You might if you would, said the parson, the door stands open. A little after, the Quaker hear­ing that he was suing him for the money, en­ters an action also against the parson for twenty shillings; when the Parson came to hear it, and went and asked him how he came to owe him twenty shillings? He told him, for trimming. Why, says the minister, I nev­er [Page 94]was in your shop in my life: You might if you would, says the Quaker, for the door stands open.

A natural fool that served a knight in this kingdom, was commanded to give such a Lord his hand, which he presently did, but gave him his left hand; for which his master chid him, and told him he should have given the Lord his right hand. O fye, master, says the foo [...] I think you are more fool than I; fos that's an unseemly thing indeed, to give to a great Lord that hand which I wipe my breech withal every day.

A Welchman riding with a charge of mon­e [...] behind him, was set upon by a thief, who bade him deliver immediately; or (drawing a pistoly said, he would make it bounce through him. Say hur so, says the Welchman, since hur hath hur money, let hur hear one pounce for it, for hur never heard the pounce of a cun. The good natured thief to satisfy the curiosity of the Welchman, (whom he looked on as a very silly fellow) discharged his pis­tol, which echoed in very many places. Cots splutter a nails, says the Welchman, it was a gallant pounce, and there was many little pounces too; Good her Urship, let her have one pounce more for hur money, and hur will be satisfied. So the thief discharged the oth­er; at which the Welchman seemed better pleased than before, and asked if he had no more pounces: No, said the thief, I have no more: No! said the Welchman, then hur has one pounce in store, which hur will make pounce through hur immediately, if hur [Page 95]deliver not hur money back presently; and so forced the thief to deliver.

A young man married a cross piece of flesh, who not contented, though her husband was very kind, made continual complaints to her father, to the great grief of both families. The husband being no longer able to endure this scurvy humour, banged her soundly. Hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her sides soundly too; saying, go, and commend me to your [...]usuand, and tell him, I am now even with him; for I have cudgelled his wife, as well as he hath beaten my daughter.

A gentleman who had a ruby face, came to a ba [...]ber to be trimmed, and asked him, if he could or durst trim him? The barber replied, Th [...] he had learned his trade, and kept shop on purpose, and therefore both could, and durst, and would trim him, if he pleased. But, quoth the gallant, behold my face, and see the sugged difficulty of shaving it. If you trim me without bloodshed, I will give you ten shillings; but if I find you draw blood, with this stilletto I will stab you immediately. The brisk barber being more tempted with the rare reward of ten shillings, than dismayed by his threatening, undertakes it, and very artificial­ly trims him without bloodshed, and the gen­tleman was well pleased; but withal asked, How he durst venture upon him, since he was in so much hazard of his life? To whom the barber replied, I had no cause to fear my life; for if I had fetched blood of your face, [Page 96]before you could have been sensible of it, I would quickly have let you blood in the wind­pipe, and secured myself from your stab. The gentleman held up his hands in thanks for his deliverance, and vowed never to be trimmed upon those conditions again.

When Henry VIII dispatched Bishop Bon­ner as an ambassador to Francis I, king of France, being at that time greatly incensed, he [...]ered many harsh words against the French king, and in these, and no other words, I charge thee, says he, deliver my embassy: But the bishop made answer, sir, if I should salute him in such gross and despiteful terms, and in his own court too, (forgetting the title of an ambassador) he can do no less than take off my head. Thy head! replied the king, if he should dare to offer it, twenty thousand of his subjects shall answer for that of thine. Aye, but, says the bishop, by your majesty's favour, I am doubtful whether any of those heads will fit my shoulders so well as that I have on. At which words, the king some­what pacified, gave him leave to deliver his message in what language he thought best.

A man and his wife were striving for mas­tery, who should wear the brecches, when (in the interim) one knocks at the door, which occasioned a cessation of blows for a time, whilst the good man steps to the door, and asked the party who he would speak to withal; who told him, with the master of the house. Stay, friend, says the man, but a little while, and I will resolve you, for as yet the case is doubtful. So stepping in, his wife and [...] [Page 97]went to it again, till at last she yielded him the victory; which being obtained, he goes again to the door. Now, friend, says he, thou may­est speak with me, I am the master of the house, but I could not tell thee so before, till my wife and I had decided the controversy.

A templer going at Christmas into York­shire, to see his father, took some other Tem­plers along with him, and upon one of the holidays he carried them to an alehouse hard by, where the woman was deaf; coming thith­er, O! my young master, says she, I have not seen you these seven years. Then he (think­ing to abuse her) drank to her, saying, here's to thee, and to all the rogues, whores and bawds in England. She seeing his lips go, but hearing him not, said, come, sir, I'll pledge you, for I know you drink to your fa­ther and mother, and those good gentlewomen your sisters.

A merry conceited Parson riding from London to Colchester, in a very rainy day, came about noon to an Inn in Chelmsford, and hav­ing given the ostler his horse, went into the kitchen, where was a good fire so encompassed with unmannerly company, that the Parson could get no room: Whereupon he calls to the ostler, fetch me a peck of those Oysters which are to be sold at the gate, and give them my horse: Your horse, sir, replied the Ost­ler; will your horse eat Oysters? I pray try, said the Parson. The country fellows hear­ing what he said, left the fire to see the won­der. In the interim, the Parson had his choice of feats, and fixed himself in a great [Page 98]chair next the sire. The Ostler having made trial, brought the Oysters back again, saying, sir, your horse will not touch them. Well, says the Parson, if he will not, bring them in hither, and I'll see if I can. The country fellows perceiving the plot, leered one upon another, laughed, and were ashamed to stay there any longer.

Two country attornies riding home from the term, overtook a carter, and began to jeer him, asking him, why his fore horse was so fat, and the rest so lean? The carter (knowing them to be lawyers) replied, Know you not that? I will tell you, my fore horse is a law­yer, and they that follow him are his clients.

A stout strong fellow that lived in the west country, who was the most famous in all those parts for many recreations, as pitching the bar, throwing the weight, football playing, riding, wrestling, fencing, so that none in his own country durst oppose him. But one day being in the company of some north country­men, they were as highly commending a per­son in the north, for all such like exercises, which did so trouble the west country champ­ion, that he having inquired his name, quali­ty and place of abode, the next morning sad­led his horse, and rode a great journey from west to north to encounter him; but being come to his house near a Park, and asking for him, was told, that their master was not at home, but if he pleased to walk into the Park, about two bows shot, he should there find him alone. The western hero alights, and with his horse in his hand, came to the place, where [Page 99]he found him nailing of a pale, with a coun­tenance very grim, and a tongue very silent; to whom the west countryman applies himself in this form, and told him, sir, I have heard much of your renown for active and strong exercises; they say you are the only man mag­nified in the north, and I having as great fame in the west, have undertaken this long journey to you, that you and I may have a trial of skill, which of us two shall gain the conquest, and bear the name of victor. The north coun­tryman, without saying any thing in answer, surveying his dimensions from head to foot, comes to the western Hector, put his hand un­der his twist, pitched him over the Park pales, and falls to work again. The west country­man rises up well satisfied, having no more but this to say, pray sir, throw my horse over too.

A person of quality in this kingdom, a­mongst other gentlemen, did often meet at a Bowling Green, which stood next to the Church yard; and the Parson of that Church had this benefit, that if any did swear there, he was to have twelve pence for every oath: This person aforesaid happened to swear a Goliah oath, upon which the Parson demand­ed twelve pence, which he gave him; and af­ter that swore many others, for which he paid twelve pence apiece: and then swearing an­other, he demanded twelve pence as before. Then he plucked out of his pocket a twenty shilling piece, and bade him give him nine­teen shillings again; sir, says he, I cannot. [Page 100]Why then, says he, take it, for I intend to swear it out.

A lusty young man was earnest with his fa­ther to be married, and after much importu­nity he was married to a neighbour's daugh­ter; he had not been married six months, but he looked so bad, and was so ill and so feeble, that he could scarce stand upon his legs. A little after he espied a butcher running over a ploughed field after a mad bull; then he ask­ed him why he did so? He told him to tame him. O! says he, let him be married, let him be married, if that do not tame him, I will be hanged.

A gentleman that had a great wit, and was well beloved among the great ones, and there­fore invited often among them, but it seems had a very great leg; he being at a Noble­man's table, greedily catched at a goblet of wine. Says my Lord to him, Prithee Jack, drink it not, for it will hurt thy leg. O! my Lord, says he, take no care of my leg, I take care enough of that, for I always drink on the other side.

A fellow who was a very great glutton, yet forsooth had a very great mind to be married; that is, to marry a very rich widow, and to that end, by his letters got admittance, and when he came, she saw the man was comely e­nough, and well clad: But seeing him two or three times feed so largely, he asked a friend of here, what he was? He said, he was a great glutton: And when he came to speak with her about the matter, he protested he loved her as well as he did his own foul. By my troth, [Page 101]Sir, says she, but I had rather you loved me so well as you love your body.

A devout gentleman being very earnest at his prayers in the church, it happened that a pickpocket being near him, stole away his watch, who having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend, that his watch was lost while he was at prayers. To which his friend replied, had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure.

King James being in his progress at Wood­stock, in Oxfordshire, the king finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting, had got some of the nobility and gentry together, resolving to be merry: And one humour was, that the king having that morning a fine curveting horse given him, which kind of horse he never liked in his life, told them. That he that could tell the great­est lie, should have that horse. So one told one lie, and another another; and several had told others, so that there was great laughing; and just in the midst of this mirth, in comes a country fellow, complaining to the king that some of his servants had wronged him: Well, well, says the king, we'll hear of that anon: Come, come hither amongst us, and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie, shall have that horse. Truly Sir, says he, an't please your Grace, I never told a lie in all my life. With that, says the king, give him the horse, give him the horse, for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told today.

An honest man that was a true cavalier was, when he came from the wars, so reduced that [Page 102]he was forced to turn ale draper, and his sign was the Rose and Crown; and in 1649, the rump forced him to blot out the crown, but left the rose still, as they thought to prick his singers; and when the king was restored, then he put the crown on again, and wrote under­neath, The Case is altered.

Two gentleman travelling into the country, one of them had a hundred pounds in his portmanteau; alighting from his horse by a woodside to ease his body, a fellow comes out of the wood upon him, with a rabbit in his hand, desiring the gentleman to buy it of him; but he refused him, telling him, he knew not what to do with it, being troublesome to car­ry: Whereupon the fellow whistles, and out comes a second, Says the first to him, Robin, the gentleman says, he won't buy the rabbit. How is that, says the second? But he must buy the rabbit; and then he whistles, and out comes two more; to whom the second says, Why, the gentleman refuses to buy the rabbit. How! refuse it, said they? But he must not refuse it; for he shall buy the rabbit. The gentleman looking one of them earnestly in the face, knew him to be a goldsmith that liv­ed in London: upon which he replied, Well, Sirs, if I must buy the rabbit, pray what is the price of it? Says the goldsmith, only your money in the portmanteau. That's very dear, replied the gentleman, to give a hundred pounds for a rabbit. That's very true, said the goldsmith, were it an ordinary rabbit; but you never saw a fatter in your life, and that is the price, and you shall buy it. Well, says the [Page 103]gentleman, if I must it, there's your money; so they gave him the rabbit. The gentleman mounts his horse, and in a little riding, over­takes his friend, to whom he says, since you left me, I have bought a rabbit, and we'll have it for supper; you shall pay me what the rab­bit cost me, and for the roasting, and I'll find liquor to it. With all my heart, replies his friend. Coming to the Inn at night, it was accordingly done. Supper being ended, he asked him, what he gave for the rabbit? Why truly, says the gentleman, I had it cheap, it cost me but a hundred pounds. A hundred pounds! said his friend, sure you can't be in earnest! Upon that he tells him all the pre­ceding story; and withal that he did not doubt but to receive his money again; for he was well assured he knew one of them. Coming up to London a little time after, he acquaints two or three friends more of this adventure, and they all agree to get a parcel of builion silver, and send for this goldsmith to a tavern near his house, and offer it for sale to him: They did so; the gentleman placing his friends in the next room, the goldsmith comes upon the summons. Sir, says the gentleman, I have some bullion silver, which I desire you to buy: What do you ask an ounce for it, says the goldsmith? Seven shillings and sixpence. Why, Sir, that's a price was never known, and I shall not throw away my money at that rate. So the gentleman knocks with his foot, and in comes one of his friends, to whom he says, Ralph, This man says he won't buy the [...]lver. How's that, says he? But he shall buy [Page 104]the silver. And so knocking with his foot, in comes two more, and he tells them the same. How! Will you not buy the silver? Sir, you must, and shall buy the silver. The guilt of the goldsmith's former fact flying in his face, he returns the gentleman his hundred pounds, and gives him and his friends a treat of ten pounds more, to prevent them from publishing it to the world.

A man was saying, that such a man had an [...]ll opinion of him. O sir, says another, there is your mistake; for I assure you he stands well in his own conceit. By my troth, says a third, so he had need; for he stands so in no­body's else but his own.

A Cobler was fitting in his shop singing merrily; his song was this, "Tamerlane was, and he was;" and continued so singing, and nothing else, many times together; which a gentleman that passed by, took notice of, and said to the Cobler, Prithee, friend, what was he? Why, says the Cobler, as great a fool as yourself, for aught I know. Sirrah, says the gentleman, you are a rascal; come out, and I'll kick you. No, sir, says he, 'tis no mat­ter, I thank you for your love as much as if I had it, for I don't want kicking. Sirrah, says the gentleman again, come out, and I'll give you a kick. No, sir, says he, you need not trouble yourself, I won't come if you'd give me two.

A parson of a parish was thought to be more familiar than ordinary with a woman that had ten children, and she told her husband that nine w [...]re his, and no more. Well, says he, [Page 105]I never denied the clergy their due, and will not begin now to break that custom; for I'll keep the nine, and give the tenth for his tythe, as being rightly due to him.

A scholar coming home from Cambridge to his father, his father asked him what he had learned? Why, father, says he, I'll prove these two chickens to be three? How is that, say the father? Why, says he, is not one and two, three? Well, says his father, you have spoke very well: Here, wife, says he, do thou take one, and I'll take the other; and our son shall have the third, because he found it out.

It seems one Doll was brought before a Judge for some crime or other, which all be­lieved was true, yet they could not prove it a Says Joan to her, faith, Doll, how didst thou come off? Why, says Doll, I set a good face on it. By my troth then, says Joan, thou didst borrow it; for I am sure thou never hadst one of thy own.

A poor countryman had so spent his time in true and honest pains, contented and not murmuring, that fortune seemed to smile upon him, as oft as he came to worship at her tem­ple, whither he often resorted; the gracious looks of the goddess encouraged him to ask something more than before he used; and yet considering with himself, that too bold a vota­ry might be repulsed, he modestly bounded his request with his suit, that her goodness would confer three wishes upon him, which from the oracle was answered, Ratified, wish and be happy. The joyful man acquainted his wife straight, who had been the constant [Page 106]companion of his labours, was to have share in his good fortune, and desired of her husband that one of those wishes might be left to her disposal. The good old man willing to grati­fy her, granted her request: So to the Fair they came, whither they were bound, and the woman casting her eyes round about, to see what she should make the choice of her wish, at last (remembering what she wanted at home) espied a handsome wooden ladle, which she forthwith wished for, and as soon the thing was in her hand; which her husband seeing, and impatient at the miscarriage of the first wish, wroth with his wife for her simplicity, wished the ladle in her breech, which out of hand was instantly there. But the poor wom­an (like a fly with a straw in the same place) was so tormented, besides the shame, that she desired her husband, that as he ever hoped to partake of her love, he would remove this impediment: To which [...] good man condescended, and [...]n charity to his wife, wished it out again: So all the three wishes went in and out with a [...]adle.

A felon going to execution on a cold win­ter's day, and coming near a great pond on this side Tyburn, desired the carman to stop, that he might speak with the sheriff; who be­ing come to him, he said thus: Mr. sheriff, I am now going to leave the world, and there­fore I would be [...]oth to conceal any thing which may do others good: I confess that the last [...]obbery I committed was in this place; and I being closely pursued, having a great purse of money, I threw it into the midst o [...] [Page 107]this pond. The people bearing him tell this to the sheriff, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, presently ran into the pond to searen for the money; which they did a long time, till they were weary, as was the sheriff with staying; whereupon he came to the felon again, and inquired further if he was not mistaken. No, quoth the felon, I in­tended to have some mirth and sport before I was hanged, and now I have had my desire in seeing the people wet and cool themselves for nothing; and therefore now you may drive on when you please.

A certain young gentleman, well known a­mong the choice spirits of Charleston, South­carolina, for singing a good [...], being lately recovered from an indisposition, which made him look rather down in the mouth, was ac­costed by an old acquaintance, with, "how are you, my buck? Don't you feel very ugly at present?" "Very ugly, indeed," replied the valetndinarian"—"that's not to be won­dered at neither," replies the other, "for ev­er since I first saw you, I always looked upon you to be a d—d ugly fellow."

A few years since, some boys, equipped in mock military accoutrements, such as paper caps, paper belts, wooden swords, &c. were beating up for recruits in Parliament street, Boston; their serjeant made a stand at a co [...] ­ner, and a number of people soon collected a­bout him, among whom were some officers of the British army, of the delicate cast, then quartered in Boston: Young Kite delivered his speech at the drum head; after which [Page 108]many boys, candidates for military fame, pre­sented themselves to be enlisted, were approv­ed, and after having received dumps, in lieu of entrance money, joined the party: Among the rest, a wretched little boy, bow legged and otherwise deformed, offered himself as a volun­teer to this corps of real infantry: On his approach, serjeant Kite, with a profound im­portance, cocked his hat, and after viewing him capapee, with an air of supreme impor­tance, "sirrah," says he, "What do you mean? How durst you insult his majesty's service? You a soldier! why you are a dis­grace to human nature; march off directly, or I shall chastise your presumption." On this the poor rejected lad was retiring apace, when an arch boy, eying the spectators in scarlet with a look shrewdly expressive, at the same time pulling the serjeant by the sleeve, "Sir," says he, "call him back, call him back, he'll do for an officer."

During the late war, an English frigate hav­ing come up the Patomack, a party was land­ed, who set fire to and destroyed some gentle­men's houses on the Maryland side in sight of Mount Vernon, Gen. Washington's house; after which the captain, (I think captain Greaves of the Acteon) sent a boat on shore to the General's, demanding a large supply of provisions, &c. with a menace of burning it likewise, in case of a refusal. To which Mr. Lund Washington replied, "That when Gen­eral Washington engaged in the contest, he had put all to the stake, and was well aware of the exposed situation of his house and prop­erty; [Page 109]in consequence of which, he had given him orders by no means to comply with any such demands, for that he would make no un­worthy compromise with the enemy, and was ready to meet the sate of his neighbours." The captain was highly incensed on receiving this answer, and removed his frigate to the Virginia shore; but before he commenced his operations, he sent another message to the same purpose offering likewise a passport t [...] Mr. Washington to come on board: He went accordingly in the boat, carrying with him a small present of poultry, of which he begged the captain's acceptance. His presence pro­duced the best effect—he was hospitably re­ceived, notwithstanding he repeated the same sentiments with the same [...]irmness. The cap­tain expressed his personal respect for the character of the General, commending the character of Mr. Lund Washington, and as­sured him, nothing but his having misconceiv­ed the terms of the first answer, could have induced him for a moment to conceive the i­dea of taking the smallest measure offensive to so illustrious a character as the General, ex­plaining at the same time the real or supposed prov [...]cations which had compelled his severi­ty on the other side of the river. Mr. Wash­ington, after spending some time in perfect harmony on board, returned, and instantly dispatched sheep, hogs, and an abundant sup­ply of other articles, as a present to the Eng­lish Frigate.

The constitution of Pennsylvania makes a year's residence in the state, and payment of [Page 110]taxes, the sole requisite to qualify a man for an elector.

At an election, when parties were violent, each warmly canvassing for suffrages, a cap­tain of a ship, then lying at the wharf, took his seamen to a magistrate, paid a tax for each, and procured a certificate of the pay­ment—then putting such tickets or votes in their hands, as he pleased, led them to the statehouse, where they all longed their votes.

On the return of the ship the next voyage, just before she arrived in Delaware bay, she was surrounded by a vast multitude of por­poises, pursuing a westerly course with the ship. "See here," says one of the [...]ilors to his ship [...]ate, "what a merry company we have." "Yes, d—n 'em," replies Jack, "they are driving for Philadelphia, I believe, to pay taxes, and vote for assemblymen." The captain, who was then walking on the quar­ter deck, heard the sa [...]castick wag, and smiled, but said not a word.

Soon after the settlement of Virginia, cap­tain Smith, then president of the council, con­ducted a party of men a few miles from James­town, to cut timber.—Among the rest were two gentlemen, who had not been used to la­bour. As they were at work, their fingers began to be blistered, and the pain of holding their axes was such as to extort an oath at ev­ery third blow. To prevent this, the presi­dent ordered the oaths each day to be num­bered, and at night condemned each man to have a can of water for each oath poured into his sleeve. These washings had the desired [Page 111]effect, and it was afterwards rare to hear an eath in a week.

When the American war was warmly agi­tated by the British ministry, Mrs. Wright, who was modelling the head of lord North, anxious to hear something respecting her na­tive country, waited on him, to see how far she had improved in the likeness; and soon turned the conversation to the affairs of Amer­ica. She assured him of the little probability of success, and with her usual warmth declar­ed, that if he did not immediately recall the troops, and make atonement for the blood that had already been shed, he should lose his head. He laughed, and told her, it was of little consequence, respecting himself, as long as he preserved her friendship, which at all e­vents he should be careful to do: For you know, Mrs. Wright, continued he, if they should cut my head off, 'tis in your power to make me another.

In the year 1785, a farmer of Bucks' coun­ty, assisted by his people, working in harvest, killed a rattlesnake; and soon after having occasion to go home, took up by mistake his son's jacket, and put it on; the son was a stripling, and both their jackets were made of the same kind of cloth. The old man being warm, did not button the jacket until he got to the house, then found it much too little for him: he instantly conceived the idea, that he had been imperceptibly bitten by the rattle­snake, and swelled from the effects of the poi­son; he grew suddenly very ill, and was put to bed. The people about him were very [Page 112]much [...]larmed, and sent for two or three phy­sicians; one of whom poured down his throat a pint of melted lard—another gave him a do [...]e of wild plantain—and the third made him drink hoar hound tea, made very strong. Not­withstanding all, he grew worse and was to appearance on the verge of dissolution, when his son came home, with the old gentleman's jacket hanging like a bag about him. The whole mystery was at once unravelled, and the poor farmer, notwithstanding his drenches of hogs' fat, plantain and hoarhound, was well in an instant.

At the siege of Charleston, an American soldier had been bribed to convey to the ene­my a plan and state of the works, ammuni­tion, &c. After he had passed the lines, he was discovered by the piquette; who, having repeatedly called on him to return, were at length obliged to fire at him, and wounded him [...]o that he could not proceed. Upon ex­amining the papers with which he was charg­ed, they were found so accurately and ingeni­ously executed, that General Lincoln was con­vinced they were the work of another hand, and offered the soldier his life, provided he would discover the person in the garrison, who had employed him. This offer was re­jected, with an observation, that he kn [...]w the risque which accompanied his attempt, and had received an adequate consideration. The usual arrangements were therefore made for his execution, and the rope being tied about his neck, the General hoped that such circum­stances might have shaken his [...]rtitude, and [Page 113]sent an aiddecamp to make another tender of pardon upon the same terms "No!" ex­claimed the resolute victim, "You have my life in your power, but my honour is my own." The signal was immediately given, he was consigned to eternity, under the impression of this noble sentiment: And it is remarka­ble, that the hangman, as he descended from his duty, was killed by a shot from the British piquette. Such conduct, however, proves the inconsistency of the human character; nor is it easy to conceive, how a mind, so solicitous to preserve its dignity in a matter merely per­sonal, should have condescended to engage in a treachery, destructive to publick confidence and allegiance.

During the late war, an old citizen of Charlestown happened to fall into the hands of a party of British troops, in one of their excursions to Dorchester. On the party's re­turning towards town, they stopped to refresh themselves at a plantation on Goose creek; and the soldiers began to jeer their prisoner for rebelling against the king. He not wish­ing to offend them (as his life had been threatened, and they were then preparing a halter for a prisoner) answered, that he had enjoyed many happy days under the reign of George the second, and some agreeable mo­ments since the present gentleman came to the crown. The commanding officer, a Caledoni­an, who was supposed to be asleep, imagining the prisoner intended to degrade she royalty of his king, jumped up in a violent rage, and asked how he had the audacions assurance of [Page 114]presuming to call the king a gentleman, and told him that if such another word escaped his lips, he would instantly cut him to atoms. The prisoner being terrified at the menaces of this highland butcher, replied, that he had no in­tention of casting any reflection on his maj­esty, as he had always suppased him to be a gentleman.

The Peruvians had a custom, on the death of any distinguished person, to inter along with him to keep him company, the servant that had been attached to him in his life. A young man who had lost his master, and who had also lost an eye, was selected to have the honour of accompanying him to the other world: But not being ambitious of the prefer­ence, he exclaimed—"Do you know what you are doing? Are you not wanting in re­spect to my master, thus to choose a person who has but one eye to serve him in the other world?" The Peruvians consulted, and the young man saved his life.

The following example of laudable pride in a soldier, was mentioned in a letter from an officer of the American army, written soon after the battle of Monmouth.—A soldier in that memorable action, fell into the hands of the English cavalry, when one of them knock­ed him down, and attempted to picrce him through the back with his sword.—"Strike me in the heart," said he, turning br [...]skly a­bout, "that my friends may not blush for me after my death."

The day on which the federal convention agreed to the new constitution, presented to [Page 115]she publick, the great Dr. Franklin asked a gentleman who sat next to him, whether he had taken notice of the picture of the sun in the recess at the back of the president's chair? He replied that he had, but not with a par­ticular attention. The Doctor then observed that painters had been puzzled to paint a sin­gle sun in such manner that the spectator could determine whether it was a rising or a setting sun; he added, that he had viewed the picture before mentioned as often as he had been in the hall, and never had been able to come to a determination, but now he was sure it was a rising sun.

When governor Johnston was president in West Florida, at a publick meeting of the Indians and commissioners for determining the provincial boundaries, he plied the sa­chems so briskly with liquor, that they were, according to the old saying, as great as kings. Meeting the next morning with one of the Indian chiefs, he asked him what he thought of the liquor he had drank. "It seems to me," says the copper coloured warrior, "to be a juice extracted from the tongues of wom­en and the hearts of lions; for, after drink­ing freely of it, I was as loquacious as a wom­an, and felt as bold as a lion."

About fifty years ago, the general assembly of New hampshire used to fit in a tavern. A countryman happened to come into Ports­mouth to buy nails, and was enquiring at the shops for single tens. A waggish fellow, known by the name of doctor Moses, over­hearing him, directed him to the tavern, [Page 116]where he told him were plenty of single tens. The man went, and inquired of two members who happened to be in the porch—they deem­ed it an insult on the honour of the house, and made a complaint to the speaker. The man was taken into custody and laid the blame on Moses. He was then sent for, and having acknowledged the fact, was ordered to receive the speaker's reprimand and ask pardon on his knees. Moses obeyed, and having performed his humiliation, as he was rising from the floor, brushed his knees with his hand, and exclaimed, a dirty house! a dirty house!

An Indian chief of the Creek nation, being once appointed to negociate a treaty of peace with the people of Southcarolina, was desired by the governor and council to speak his mind freely, and not to be afraid, for he was among friends. "I will speak freely, I will not be afraid," said he, "for why should I be afraid among my friends, who never am among my enemies?"

The Elizabeth, an English man of war, would infallibly have been lost in the shoals on the coast of Florida, in 1746, had not cap­tain Edwards ventured into the Havannah. It was in time of war, and the port belonged to an enemy. "I come," said the captain to the governor, "to deliver up my ship, my sailors, my soldiers and myself, into your hands: I only ask the lives of my men." "No," said the Spanish commander, "I will not be guilty of so dishonourable an action. Had we taken you in fight, in open sea, or up­on our coasts, your ship would have been [Page 117]ours, and you would be our prisoners. But, as you are driven in by stress of weather, and are come hither for fear of be­ing cast away, I ought, and do forget that my nation is at war with yours. You are men, and so are we; you are in distress, and have a right to our pity. You are at lib­erty to unload and refit your vessel; and, if you want it, you may trade in this port to pay your charges: You may then go away, and you will have a pass to carry you safe beyond the Bermudas. If, after this, you are taken, you will be a lawful prize; but, at this mo­ment, I see in Englishmen, only [...]rangers, for whom humanity claims our assistance."

Sir Simon Stuart, of Hartley, England, a­musing himself with some old papers belong­ing to his family, found endorsed on the out­side of a covenant, that 15,000 pieces of gold were buried in a certain field, so many feet from the ditch, towards the south. These words appearing a kind of memorandum, the baronet took a servant with him, and going to the place described, made him dig, and found the treasure in a large iron pot, the mouth of which was covered with parchment, on which were written in legible characters, the follow­ing words: The devil shall have it sooner than Cromwell.

An agreeable woman, [...] whom Santeuil ow­ed some money, meeting him one day at a pri­vate house, asked him the reason she had not seen him so long; "Is it because you owe me something?" "No, madam, (replied the po­et) that is not what prevents my visiting, and you are the cause that you are not paid." [Page 118]"How so?" said the lady. "Because, said he, whenever I see you, I forget every thing else."

At the siege of Lisle, in queen Anne's time, upon an attack on some of the outworks, the grenadiers of the 15th regiment of foot, were obliged to retire, by the springing of a mine, or by the superiority of the enemy's fire. In this retreat, the lieutenant of those grenadiers, remarkable for his ill treatment of them, was wounded, and fell. The grenadiers were passing on, nor heeded his entreaties to help him off. At last he laid hold of a pair of shoes that was tied to the waistbelt of one of them: The grenadier, regardless of his situa­tion, and in resentment of his former ill usage, took out a knife from his pocket, with which he cut the string, and left them with him, with this remarkable expression. "There! There is a new pair of shoes for you, to carry you to hell."

On the thirtieth of January, (the martyrdom of king Charles the first) Quin used to say, every king in Europe would rise with a crick in his neck.

While a sailor's sentence was pronouncing, who committed a robbery on the highway, he raised a piece of rolled tobacco to his mouth, and held it between his teeth. When the sentence was finished, he bit off a piece of the tobacco, and began to chew it with great unconcern.—"Sirrah! (said the judge, piqued at his indifference) do you know that you are to be hanged in a very short time?" "So I hear," said the sailor, squirting a little tobacco [Page 119]juice from his mouth at the same time.—"Do you know (rejoined the judge) where you shall go when you die?"—"I cannot tell, indeed, an't please your honour," said the sailor.— "Why then (replied the judge, with a tre­mendous voice, I will [...]ell you, you will go to hell."—"If I should, replied the sailor, with perfect tranquillity I hope, please your hon­our, I shall be able to hear it."

When lord Sandwich received he first in­telligence from Lloyd's coffeehouse of St. Vin­cent's being taken, he hurried to the king to in­form him of it, and when admitted to [...]n audi­ence, with great earnestness recommended that it would be wise to smother the matter.— "Smother it!" said the king, with surprise, "By H—n! the child is too big; we can't smother it, my lord."

Foote, whose talent lay in lampooning and mimickry, even in his early days, had once got the knack of imitating a late general offi­cer, in the shrug of his soldiers, the lisping of his speech, and some other things, for which the general was remarkable, so that it grew a common topick among his acquaintance, who used to say, "Come Sam, let's have the gene­ral's company." A friend at length acquaint­ed the officer with it, who sent for Foote. "Sir," says the general, "I hear you have an excellent talent at mimicking characters, and among the rest, I find I have been the subject of your ridicule." "Oh, sir," says Foote, with great pleas [...]ntry, "I take all my acquaintance off at times, and, what is more particular, I often take myself off." "God so," says the other, "pray let us have a speci­men." [Page 120]Foote, on this, puts on his hat and gloves, takes hold of his cane, and making a short bow, left the room. The officer waited some minutes for his return, but at length, on inquiry, found he had really taken himself off, by leaving the house. The officer was gene­ral Blakeney, with whom he was afterwards in the strictest friendship.

Foote and Garrick being at a tavern togeth­er at the time of the first regulation of the gold coin, the former pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning, asked the latter, "What he should do with a light guinea he had?" "'Pshaw, 'tis worth nothing," says Garrick, "Fling it to the devil." "Well, David," says the other, "You are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go farther than any other man."

When Lewis XIV. came to the throne, he was remarkably obstinate, and it could not be known whether he took advice of any one. He had no publick council, nor any private counsellor. One day being hunting on a very small Britanny bider, cardinal Mazarin fre­quently repeated, "What a very strong horse that must be!" "Why so, my good cardinal?" said the king, "Why, sire," answered his em­inence, "It not only carries your majesty, but the whole body of your council." From that moment the king took the hint, and, of course, advice, and became one of the greatest mon­archs in the world.

When Dr. Johnson was first patronized by lord Chesterfield, the Doctor called on him one morning, and being shewn into an antecham­ber, [Page 121]either from the mistake of the sootman, or his lordship's paying a preference to other company, the Doctor was left waiting there for two hours, without his lordship's appear­ance. Johnson growing piqued at this neg­lect, abruptly left the house, and from that hour resolved to break off all acquaintance with him. Some time after this, lord Chester­field endeavoured all he could to recover Johnson's friendship, by writing two essays in favour of his dictionary, in a periodical paper then publishing, called "The World," as well as by other indirect solicitations; but all in vain: Johnson was not only resolved, but wrote his lordship word so, in a very remarka­ble letter, wherein, with great dignity and phi­losophick pride, he begged leave to be dismissed his patronage and acquaintance. Some time after this, a friend met the Doctor in Dods­ley's shop, and asked him how he could desert a man who had been so serviceable to him, in the publick encouragement of his dictionary, as lord Chesterfield was? "Serviceable to me, sir!" says the author, "In no respect whatso­ever: I had been for years failing round the world of literature, and just as I was getting into the chops of the channel, his lordship sends out two little cocko [...]ats, more to partake of my triumphs, than to pilot me into harbour. No, no, my lord Chesterfield may be a wit a­mongst lords, but I fancy he is no more than a lord amongst wits."

A young fellow who had made an end of all he had, even to his last suit of clothes, was told one day by a friend, Now, I hope you'll [Page 122]own yourself a happy man, for there is an end put to all your cares. Ho [...] so? replied the young fellow. Because, said his friend, You have nothing left to take care of.

As the celebrated Dr. Johnson was sitting in a coffeeroom, where a dog was very trouble­some, he ordered the waiter to kick him out; the waiter not being so alert as he should be, the Doctor repeated his orders; upon which a young genius faid to the Doctor, I perce [...]. Sir, you are not fond of dogs. No, said the Doctor, nor of puppies either.

A certain gentleman more celebrated for his jollity than his religion, notwithstanding his chaplain was at table, introduced a baboon dressed up in the garb of a clergyman, in or­der to say grace; which conduct was very properly resented by the chaplain, who said to the gentleman, I did not know till now, that you had so near a relation in orders.

Waller, the celebrated poet, in Oliver Crom­well's protectorate, wrote many extravagant poems in his praise. When Charles II. came to the throne, he likewise wrote a poem upon the restoration, inscribed to that monarch, with which he was introduced to his majesty. The king, after having read the poem, told Waller, the lines were good, but not so good as some addressed to Oliver. To which the poet, with admirable presence of mind, repli­ed, that poets always succeed best in fiction.

The celebrated Quin happened to be in a returned post chaise between Bath and Bristol, when the post boy, in order to increase his perquisite, took up another passenger, who [Page 123]proved a very disagreeable one, having very sweaty feet, as well as being guilty of many indecencies. Quin was determined to get rid of him; a lucky opportunity offered, for the passenger asked him how long he meant to stay at Bristol; that, said Quin, depends upon the effect the sea water has upon me. What, said the other, are you going to drink it? No, said he, I am going to be dipped for the bite of a mad dog, and immediately shewed some distor­tion of features, which the passenger took for indications of madness, and precipitately left the chaise.

A very silly fellow once observing in com­pany, that it was a great gift to keep a secret, such a gift as he wished to obtain. "I can put you in the way to acquire it," said one that stood by: "Do but hold your peace, and then you will conceal a secret of some conse­quence to you; for then you will not let any body know that you are a fool."

An ignorant person being told that an ac­quaintance of his had died insolvent—"That must be a falsity," said he; "Jack did not die in Solvent, for, to my certain knowledge, he died in Flanders."

Lady B— T—, was lately one of a large company, at the house of a certain nobleman, remarkable for a large collection of books, but who had a meer ignoramus of a fellow for a librarian. This her ladyship knew, and in passing with several others, by the door of the library, she pointed to it, saying, with her usu­al vivacity, "There is the seraglio, committed to the care of an eunuch."

[Page 124] An ignorant fellow maintained in company that the sun did not turn round the world; how then, said one present, does it happen, that he sets at west, and rises again at east, un­less he passes under the globe? Why, replied he, the sun returns the same way that he came: But the reason why we don't observe it, is that he goes back in the dark.

A gentleman just married, telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his dear wife. Faith, sir, says the wit, I see you are no hypocrite, for she is truly your dear wife.

King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the Doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked complais­antly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but when he was taking his leave at the door, the Doctor with great humility, thus addressed him: Sire, I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.

A sailor being on deck, one windy morn­ing, a sudden gust of wind took him into the sea; but putting out ropes, he regained the dock: His captain sympathized with him, ob­serving he had had but an indifferent break­fast; not so bad, replied the mate, for you must allow he has had a good duck.

Beau Nash took a hack one night at Temple Bar, and bade the man drive to Berkeley square. The fellow, who had been wishing [Page 125]for the usual time of his going home, swore, as he was mounting the box, that he should be glad to drive his fare to hell. Do you consid­er, said Nash, when they were come to Berke­ly square, that if you had driven me to hell, as you said just now you should be glad to do, you must have gone there yourself. You mis­take, sir, replied the fellow, for I should have backed you in.

Quin, having had an invitation from a no­bleman, who was reputed to keep a very ele­gant table, to dine with him; and having no manner of aversion to a good repast, he ac­cordingly waited on his lordship, but found the regale far from answering his expectation. Upon his taking leave, the servants, who were very numerous, had ranged themselves in the hall. Quin finding that if he gave to each of them, it would amount to a pretty large sum, asked, Which was the cook? who readily an­swered, Me, sir. He then inquired for the but­ler, who was as quick in replying as the oth­er; when he said to the first—Here is half a crown for my eating—and to the other—Here is five shillings for my wine; but by G—, gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner for the money in my life.

A gentleman who had a numerous family, observing once at a table, that thank God he could digest any thing; another asked him how he digested his ten children? O, sir, said the gentleman, I bring them up.

A humourist asked a citizen, whether he would sooner kiss a pretty girl, or partake of a good feast? The citizen honestly replied, that [Page 126]he should prefer the latter. To which the wag archly rejoined, I never thought you a man of the ton before, but I find now that you have more taste than feeling.

A man having a scolding wife, he swore he would drown himself; she followed him, and desired him to forbear, at least to let her speak with him. Speak quickly then, said he. Pray, husband, if you will needs drown your­self, pray take my counsel, to go into a deep place, for it will grieve my heart to see you a long time dying.

A gentleman who possesses a small estate in Gloucestershire, in England, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite [...]ired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The cour­tier shook him very heartily by the hand, and told him he was very much rejoiced at the e­vent. But pray, sir, said he, where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, said he, sir; I secured it last night, as you, sir, have cured me of higher ambition.

The late general Elbert of Georgia, having burst a blood vessel, thought it necessary to employ another physician, to consult with the gentleman who usually attended him. After they had considered his situation, "Well, gentlemen, (said he) what do you think of me?" "We are sorry to inform you, that if you continue to bleed as you have done for some time past, you cannot hold out above six hours longer." This answer would have had [Page 127]an awful effect on most men, but to one whose life had always been spent in acts of charity, and hospitality, it only produced this reply, "If I am so soon to die, 'tis no small alleviation to your intelligence, that I shall die like a soldier." He died in about five hours after.

The late lord Courtney, who was of one of the oldest families in Britain, being married to a miss Clack, who was much inferior in point of birth, a conversation took place (at which the late bishop of Exeter was present) on the disparity of the match. "What is your ob­jection?" says the bishop to a lady who took the principal lead in the conversation. "Want of family, my lord"—"Want of family," ech­oed the bishop, "why I'll prove her of a better family than his lordship. He perhaps may trace his ancestors as far back as the con­quest, but the family of the Clacks are as old as Eve."

Dr. Johnson being engaged by Mr. Osborne, a bookseller, to translate a work of some con­sequence, he thought it a respect which he owed his own talents, as well as the credit of his employer, to be as circumspect in the per­formance of it as possible. In consequence of which, the work went on (agreeably to Of­borne's ideas, who measured most things by the facility with which they were done) rath­er slowly: Accordingly he frequently spoke to Dr. Johnson of this circumstance; and be­ing a man of a coarse mind, sometimes by his expressions, made him feel the situation of dependence. Dr. Johnson, however, seemed to take no notice of him, but went on accord­ing [Page 128]to that plan he had prescribed to himself. Osborne, wishing to have the book out to an­swer some temporary purpose, and perhaps ir­ritated by what he thought an ignorant delay, one day went into the room where Dr. John­son was, and abused him in the most illiberal manner: Amongst other things he told him "he had been much mistaken in his man; that he was recommended to him as a good scholar, and a ready hand; but he doubted both: For that Tom such a one of the Old Baily (if he could rely on his sobriety) would have turned out the work much sooner, and that being the case, the probability was, that by this here time, the edition would have mov­ed off."

Dr. Johnson heard him for some time un­moved; but at last, losing all patience, he seized up a huge folio, which he was at that time consulting, and aiming a blow at the bookseller's head, succeeded so forcibly, as to send him sprawling to the floor: Osborne a­larmed the family with his cries; but, Dr. Johnson, clapping his foot on his breast, would not let him stir, till he had exposed him in that situation; and then left him with this triumphant expression:

"Lie there, thou son of duilness, ignorance, and obscurity!"

James Boswell, requested of his father, the lord president, his opinion, of the immortal Dr. Johnson, and whether he did not think him a "perfect constellation in the literary hemisphere"—"Yes, my son, said he emphat­ically, "he is—the ursa major, the great bear.

[Page 129] Louis XIV, was told, that [...]d Stair was one of the best bred men in Europe. "I shall soon put him to the test," said the king; and asking lord Stair to take an airing with him, as soon as the door of the coach was opened, he bade him pass and go in: The other bowed and obeyed. The king said, "the world is in the right in the character it gives: Anoth­er person would have troubled me with cere­mony."

The following is an account of the courage­ous behaviour of one Gillit a French quarter­master, who going home to his friends, had the good fortune to save the life of a young wom­an, attacked by two ruffians. He fell upon them, sabre in hand, unlocked the jaw of the first villain, who held a dagger to her breast, and at one stroke pared the nails of the other, (who was armed with a pistol) just above the wrist. Money was offered by the grateful pa­rents; he refused it; they offered him their daughter, a young girl of 16, in marriage; the veteran, then in his 73d year, declining, say­ing, "Do you think that I have rescued her from instant death, to put her to a lingering one, by coupling so lively a body with one worn out with age?"

A French officer at a general review before the king, dans la plaine des Sablons in Paris, while he was running on horseback through the ranks, happened to let his hat fall on the ground; a soldier picking it up with a drawn sword, made a hole into it, which put the of­ficer in such a violent passion, that he declar­ed he would sooner have the sword through [Page 130]his guts than his hat. His majesty hearing this strange declaration, asked him the reason: "Why?" said he, "there is a surgeon of my acquaintance, who, I am sure, would give me credit; but I know of no hatter that will."

The abbe Gaglioni sent to Benedict XIV, at the desire of that pontiff, a box filled with the natural curiosities of Mount Vesuvius. The box was accompanied with a letter which contained nothing more tha [...] these words of the evangelist. "Command that these stones shall become bread." The pope explained his meaning by sending him a brief for a pension, to which he subjoined these words in his own hand writing.—"You have faith, I perceive, in the infallibility of the sovereign pontiff, of which I now send you a fresh proof. It be­longs to me to expound the holy writ, in do­ing which I ought always to attend to the spirit of the scripture, and I never explained it with more pleasure than on this occasion."

Mr. Helvetius had a secretary named Bau­dot, who had known him from his infancy: And presumed from this circumstance to treat him with as much rude familiarity as a four pre­ceptor would treat his pupil. One of the chief pleasures of this captious and ill temper­ed man, was to censure the conduct, the ge­nius, the character and the works of this mild and indulgent philosopher. His strictures were always concluded with severe and per­sonal satire. Having once attended with great patience to the railings of Baudot, he went to his lady, one of the most virtuous and amiable [Page 131]women in the world, and said, "Madam Helvetius, can it be possible that I have all the faults Baudot finds in me:"—"Surely not," said madam Helvetius, "Nevertheless, I have some," replied he, "and who will tell me of THEM, if I should turn away Baudot."

Soon after lord Chesterfield came into the privy council, a place of great trust happened to become vacant, to which the king and the duke of Dorset recommended two very differ­ent persons. His majesty espoused the inter­est of his friend with some heat, and told them, He would be obeyed; but not being able to succeed, he left the council chamber in great displeasure. As soon as he retired, the matter was debated warmly, but at length, it was car­ried against the king, because if they once gave him his way, he would expect it again, and so it would rise at length to a precedent. How­ever, in the humour his majesty was then in, a question arose, who would carry the grant of the office for his majesty to sign? and the lot fell upon lord Chesterfield. His lordship expected to find his majesty in a very unfav­ourable mood; and accordingly it happened so; wherefore he prudently forebore [...]o in­cense him by an abrupt request; and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the instrument, very submissively asked whose name his majes­ty would be pleased to have inserted, to fill up the blanks?—The king answered in a pas­sion, The devil's, if you will. Very well, re­plied his lordship; But would your majesty have the instrument run in the usual stile, Our trusty and well beloved cousin and counsellor? [Page 132]The king laughed, and with all the good na­ture in the world set his name to the paper, though to promote a person not very accepta­ble to himself.

A gentleman met another in the street, who was ill of a consumption, and accosted him thus—"Ah! my friend, you walk exceeding­ly slow"—"Yes (replied the sick man) but I am going very fast."

When doctor Samuel Johnson made the tour of Scotland, in 1773, he was admitted, speci­ali gratia, into the fraternity of sages, known at Edinburgh by the title of the Physico Theo­logical Society. The conversation, as usual, turned upon a very abstruse point of meta­physicks, viz. Whether a man would accept of existence by choice, or whether the Deity, to carry on the present system of things, must not compel him to existence by necessity? After many hours speech in the most subtle and acute refinements of logick, the whole company turned their eyes on the doctor, and requested to hear his sentiments. His an­swer was couched in his usual cynical strain. "For my part, I think the solution of the question ultimately depends on the single cir­cumstance, of considering under what denomi­nation of country the supposed subject for ex­istence was to be discriminated. If he was to be an Englishman, he would exist by choice; if a Scotchman, by necessity."

Doctor Johnson, and Mr. Boswell, dining one day at [...]ady Macleod's, the former was helped to some green p [...]as, which were es­seemed a varity for the season: having eaten [Page 133]what was first laid on his plate, lady Macleod offered to help him a second time. "Pshaw, madam, (says the doctor) surely they are only food for hogs."—"It is for that very reason, sir, that I help you," replied her ladyship.

Dr. Johnson coming up Fleet street, at about two o'clock in the morning, was alarmed by a person seemingly in great distress. He fol­lowed the voice for some time, when, by the glimmer of an expiring lamp, he perceived an unhappy female, almost naked, and perishing on a truss of straw, who had just enough to tell him, "she was turned out by an inhuman landlord in that condition, and to beg his char­itable assistance not to let her die in the street." The doctor, melted at this story, desired her to place her confidence in God, for that under him he would be her protector. He accord­ingly looked out for a coach to put her into; but there was none to be had: His charity, however, was too strong to be cooled by such an accident. He kneeled down by her side, raised her in his arms, wrapped his great coat about her, placed her on his back, and in this condition carried her home to his house.

Next day her disorder appearing to be vene­real, he was advised to abandon her; but he replied, "that may be as much her misfor­tune as her fault; I am determined to give her the chance of a reformation;" he accord­ingly kept her in his house above thirteen weeks, where she was regularly attended by a physician, who recovered her.

The doctor, during this time learned more of her story, and finding her to be one of those [Page 134]unhappy women, who are impelled to this miserable life more from necessity than in­clination, he set on foot a subscription, and established her in a milliner's shop in the country, where she was living some years ago in very considerable repute.

Sir Charles Wager, was seized with a fe­ver while he was out upon a cruize; and the surgeon without much difficulty prevailed up­on him to lose a little blood, and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by and by it was [...]ought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented; the symptoms then abated, and the surgeon told him, that he must now swallow a few bolusses and take a draught; No doctor, says Sir Charles, you shall batter my hulk as long as you will, but d—n me! you shan't board me.

The reverend Basil Kennet was once chap­lain in a ship of war, and as his place was to [...]ess with his brother officers, he found they were so addicted to the impious and not sensi­cal vice of swearing, that he thought it not becoming his character to continue any longer among them, unless he could prevail upon them to leave it off; but conceiving at the same time that any grave remonstrance would have but little effect, he bethought himself of a stratagem which might answer his purpose, One of the company having entertained the rest with a story agreeable enough in itself, but so interrupted and perplexed with damme! blood and wounds! and such like shocking [...] as made it extremely ridiculous;— [Page 135]Mr. Kennet then began a story himself, which he made very entertainining and instructive, but interlarded it with the words, bottle, pot and glass, at every sentence. The gentleman who was the most given to the silly vice, fell a laughing at Mr. Kennet with an air of great contempt. Why, said he, G—d d—me doctor, as to your story it is well enough; but what the d—I have we to do with your d—d bottle, pot and glass? Mr. Kennet very calmly re­plied, sir, I find you can observe what is ri­diculous in me, which you cannot discover in yourself; and therefore you ought not to be offended at my expletives in discourse, any more than your own.—Oh! oh! d—me parson, I smoke you; you shall not hear me swear another oath, whilst I am in your com­pany—nor did he.

During the protectorship of Oliver Crom­well, a design was formed for reestablishing the Jews, with full liberty to carry on trade, and exercise their religion; but though this affair met with violent opposition from the heads of the different sectaries, yet Oliver so far carried his point, as to encourage a small body of them to settle in their old quarter, under the direction of Manasseh Ben Israel, a great rabbi, who soon built a synagogue and publickly performed divine worship. The intelligence which the protector received, from time to time, by means of the extensive correspondence and close amity everywhere maintained throughout the universe among the scattered remains of the Jewish nation, con­tributed not a little to the success of his en­terprises [Page 136]abroad, and particularly to that of his naval expeditions; an instance of which is somewhere upon record, and thus related: As the earl of Orrery was once walking with Cromwell in one of the galleries at Whitehall, a man almost in rags appeared in view; upon which Cromwell immediately left the earl, and took that person with him into his closet, who told him of [...] great sum of money that the Spaniards were sending over in a Dutch man of war, to pay their army in Flanders; and also the very part of the ship where the money was deposited. The protector then im­mediately sent an express to Smith (afterward Sir Jeremy Smith) who lay in the Downs, informing him that, within a day or two, such a Dutch ship would pass the chan­nel, which he must search for the Span­ish money. Accordingly, when the ship passed by Dover, Smith sent, and demanded leave to search her. The Dutch captain replied, That none but his masters should search him. Upon which Smith sent him word again, that he had set up an hour glass, and if he did not submit to the search before it was run out, he would sink him. The Dutchman seeing it was in vain to contend with superior force, submitted in time; and so all the money was found. The next time Cromwell saw lord Orrery, he told him, he had his intelligence from that seemingly for­lorn Jew, he saw him go to some days before.

When the Essay on Man was first publish­ed, it came out in part and without [...] name. A little after the appearance of the first, Mr. [Page 137]Morris, who attempted those things in the poetical way, particularly a piece for musick, which was performed in private before some of the royal family, accidentally paid a visit to Mr. Pope, who, after the first civilities were over, inquired of him what news there was in the learned world; and what new pieces were brought to light? Morris replied, that there was little or nothing; or at least little or nothing worth notice: That there was indeed a thing come out called an Es­say on Man, the first epistle, threatening more, for he had read it, and it was a most a­bomicable piece of stuff, shocking poetry, un­sufferable philosophy, no coherence, no con­nexion at all. If I had thought (continued he) that you had not seen it, I would have brought it with me. Upon this Mr. Pope frankly told him, "that he had seen it before it went to press, for it was his own writing, a work of years, and the poetry such as he thought proper for the expression of the sub­ject; on which side he did not imagine it would ever have been attacked, especially by any man pretending to knowledge in the har­mony of numbers." This was like a clap of thunder to the mistaken bard: He reached his hat, and with a blush and a bow, took his leave of Mr. Pope, and never more ventured to shew his unlucky face there again.

When the army of Lewis XIV. of France was encamped in Flanders during his war with the confederates, the king used sometimes to reside at the head quarters himself. It hap­pened, that a very fine horse, which he had lately purchased, was exercised before his tent, [Page 138]and among others who had gathered round to see him, was a corporal, who having been that afternoon too free with aqua vitae, was become as great a man as his majesty. He had stroll­ed up to the spot, and getting within the cir­cle, put himself in an attitude of consequence, and after having some time made his observa­tions with the air of a profound connoisse [...], he [...]hrusts a quid of tobacco into his mouth, and [...]ore it was as fine a creature as ever he saw [...] and as well broke; then tottering up to the [...]om who had been riding it, and was just [...]ounted, asked him who was the own­er: At this moment the king came out from his tent, and overhearing the corporal's ques­tion, with whom he had already been divert­ed, told him courteously, that the horse was his: The corporal made his majesty a slight compliment by moving his hat, and then set­ [...]ing his arms akimbo, told him, that his rea­son for asking was, that he had taken a liking to the horse and was inclined to buy him. The king told him he had no intention to sell him, but if it would oblige him he would treat with him on the same spot the next morning. The corporal, thrusting out his hand, cried, a match; to which the king consented, and rode off, giving private orders that no punishment should be inflicted upon the corporal, but that he should be brought before him the next morning. In the morning, when the poor fel­low was told what had passed, and conducted to the king's tent, he was seized by a dreadful panick, lest his insolence and drunkenness might cost him his life. Into the presence, however, he was carried; and the king, who [Page 139]intended only some sport, asked him, if he was the man that would last night have bought his horse? No, an't please your majesty, says the fellow, that man went away at three o'clock this morning. Did he so? said the king (who understood that at three o'clock, sleep had substituted a sober man for one that was drunk) I am very glad that I have got so sen­sible and decent a person as you are in his stead, and I hope he will never come back; for if I see him, I shall certainly resent his be­haviour. So the corporal was dismissed with­out farther reprehension.

Killegrew, was a man of very great humour and frequently diverted king Charles II. by his lively spirit of mirth and drollery. He was frequently at court, and had often access to king Charles, when admission was denied to the first peers in the realm. Amongst many other merry stories, the following is related of Killegrew. Charles II. who hated business as much as he loved pleasure, would often dis­appoint the council by withdrawing his royal [...]resence when they were met, by which their [...]ness was necessarily delayed, and many of [...] council much offended at the disrespect [...] to them. It happened one day when the council were met, and had sat some time in expectation of his majesty, that the duke of Lauderdale, who was a furious ungovernable man, quitted the room in a passion, and acci­dentally met with Killegrew, to whom he ex­pressed himself irreverently of the king: Kil­legrew bade his grace be [...]alm, for he would [...]ay a wager of a hundred pounds, that he [Page 140]would make his majesty come to council in less than half an hour. Lauderdale being a little heated, and under the influence of sur­prise, took him at his word: Kill egrew went to the king, and without ceremony told him what had happened; and added, "I know your majesty hates Lauderdale, though the necessity of your affairs obliges you to be­have civilly to him; now if you would get rid of a man you hate, come to the council, for Lauderdale is a man so boundlessly av­aricious, that rather than pay the hundred pounds lost in this wager, he will hang him­self, and never plague you any more." The king was pleased with the archness of this ob­servation, and answered, then Killegrew, I'll positively go; which he did.

The bishop of Soissous in France, who valued himself on the politeness of his address, and was remarkable for never having uttered a rude expression, was once, by an indiscretion, guil­ty of a piece of rudeness, sufficient to make his good breeding be called in question: And which shews the precaution that is necessary to be used in speaking to strangers. This pre­late was come at court, where observing a lady, who was extremely corpulent, talking to the queen, and at the other end of the room a very genteel youth of a very promising ap­pearance, both of whom were utter strangers to him, he addressed himself to the young gen­tleman, and with a soft insinuating air, after some compliments, asked him if he knew who that Fat Sow was, who was in discourse with [Page 141]her majesty? Yes, my lord, replied the youth, with great modesty; that Sow is the ambas­sadress of Sweden, and mother to the little pig who has the honour to speak to your lordship. At this answer the bishop was struck with con­fusion, and humbly begged pardon, adding, that he could not help feeling the greatest esteem for a person, who had with such mildness re­buked him for his brutality.

A few nights since I was in company (says the writer) with a gentleman that was in the road of Algiers some years ago, and was an eye and an ear witness to the following story. One day as some christian captives, who had been ransomed, were going to be discharg­ed, the town cruizers brought in a Swedish vessel; one of them hearing it was of that na­tion, and being from thence himself, was very desirous to see the crew, when to his great sur­prise he saw his own father (who was master of the ship) in the company: The son knew the father, but the father who had lost him when a youth, knew not his son, having long given him up as dead. The son discovered him­self, to the father who embraced him with great tenderness: But the recollection of their situa­tion soon interrupted their joy, and introduced lamentation and despair.—At length the young man addressed himself to his father in this manner: "The slavery you are going into, will be insupportable to you, and soon put an end to your life, the thoughts of which are worse than death to me. I have been here a great many years, and know the country, the people and their work; if they will accept of [Page 142]me in your room, I will go back into slavery, and you shall go home again:—I know if I should be able to raise friends, I shall be re­deemed;—if not—God's will be done!" The Moors readily accepted the exchange; so the father returned to freedom and his home, and the son to toil and slavery. A memorable in­stance of filial piety.

The vicar of Bray, in Berkshire, being a catholick under the reign of Henry VIII. and a protestant under Edward VI. a catholick a­gain under queen Mary, and a protestant in the reign of queen Elizabeth, was reproached as the scandal of his gown, by turning from one religion to another; "I cannot help that:" replied the vicar, "but if I changed my religion, I am sure I have kept true to my principle, which is, to live and die the vicar of Bray."

Philips, the noted harlequin, was taken up in London on suspicion of debt, and dealt with the officer in the following manner: He first called for liquor in abundance, and treated [...]ll about him, to the no small joy of the bailiff, who was rejoiced to have a calf that bled so well, (as they term it.) Harlequin made the honest bailiff believe he had six dozen of wine ready packed up, which he would send for, to drink while in custody, and likewife allow him sixpence a bottle for drinking it in his own chamber. Shoulderdab listened to the proposal with pleasure. The bailiff went to the place, as directed, and returned with joy, to hear that it was to be sent in the morning early. Accordingly it came by a porter, sweat­ing [Page 143]under his load: The turnkey called to his master, and told him the porter and hamper were come in: Very well, said he, then let nothing but the porter and hamper out. The porter performed his part very well: Came heavily in with an empty hamper, and seemed to go lightly out, with Philips on his back. He was dishampered at an alehouse on the water side, crossed the Thames, and soon after embarked for Ireland. He was very fond of this trick, and would take pride in his project, which was contrived long before he was taken, to be ready on such an emergency.