THE brave, but eccentric general Lee had so little regard to the rules of politeness and ci­vility, that he always spoke his opinions unreservedly, without regarding the offence or pain they might ex­cite. Being one night at Albany, drinking with an old Scotch officer, when he began to mellow with the wine, he told his companion that he had one fault, which he begged him to overlook, which was to abuse the Scotch when he was in liquor. In troth, replied the officer, I shall readily forgive your fault, if you will overlook mine; it is, when I hear any person impertinently abusing Scotland or Scotchmen, when I am drunk or sober, I cannot refrain from laying my cane soundly over his shoulders. Now I will readily pardon your fault, if you will pardon mine. This seasonable hint made the general very polite the remainder of the night.

2. During the late war, there lived in New-Jersey, a remarkable dwarf. Though upwards of twenty years old. he was not more than three feet high, and every way small in proportion. This curiosity drew great crowds of people to see him, and amongst the rest, general Washington. The [...]ero conversed some time with Tommy Thumb; asked several questions; and generally received pertinent answers. The ge­neral [Page 6] wished to know his political sentiments, and asked whether he was whig or tory? ‘I cannot say, sir,’ said this man of might: ‘I have not yet taken an active part.’

3. Soon after the Massachusetts insurgents retreated from their attack on general Shepard, at Ordnance-hill, and when it was hourly expected they would renew it, Shays sent a flag to general Shepard, re­questing to have delivered to him the bodies of the killed, amounting to five. The officer, who had been sent by general Shepard, to receive the flag, on the request being made for five slain, with the utmost sang froid imaginable replied, ‘Present general She­pard's compliments to captain Shays: and inform him, that he cannot furnish him with five dead, he having no more than four: but that if captain Shays will please to attack him again, he will then furnish him with another, and as many more as he shall desire.’

4. Dr. Franklin, as agent for the province of Penn­sylvania, being in England at the time the parliament passed the stamp-act for America, was frequently ap­plied to by the ministry for his opinion respecting the operation of the same, and assured them that the people of America would never submit to it. The act was nevertheless passed, and the event shewed he had been right. After the news of the destruction of the stamped paper had arrived in England, the mi­nistry again sent for the doctor, to consult with him, and concluded with this proposition, that if the Ame­ricans would engage to pay for the damage done in the destruction of the stamped paper, &c. the par­liament would then repeal the act. To this the doc­tor answered, that it put him in mind of a French­man, who having heated a poker red hot, ran into the street, and addressing an Englishman he met there, "hah, monsieur, voulez vous givé me de plaisir et de satisfaction, and leté me runi dis poker only one foote up your backside?" "What!" says the English­man:— [Page 7] "Only to leté me runi dis poker one foote up your back side." "Damn your soul," replies the Englishman. "Welle, den, only so far," says the Frenchman, pointing to about six inches of the poker.—"No, no," replies the Englishman—"damn your soul; what do you mean?" "Well, den," says the Frenchman, will you havé de justice to payé me for de trouble and expence of heating de poker?"—"damn me, if I do," answered the Englishman, and walked off.

5. A member of the general court of Massachu­setts, who, from accustoming himself to take a nap after dinner, when at home, could not dispense with the custom, when attending to give laws to a mighty people, not long since occasioned much sport in the house, by the following incident. A day was as­signed for the second reading of a lumber-act: as this interested our sleeper, he requested a friend, who sat next him, to awaken him, if the discussion of the bill should be introduced, while he was asleep This his friend promised him: but, happening to go out for a few minutes, the bill was called for; and, af­ter a short debate, was committed. Immediately after, the bill for preventing fornication, was brought on. This occasioned some debate, during which the sleeper's friend returned. Finding the lumber-bill was dismissed, he thought he might indulge his friend in his nap. However, as ill-luck would have it, he trod upon the toe of this votary to Morpheus, who supposed it a signal for his waking: immediately rousing himself, he rubbed his eyes, and looking about, perceived a pause in the debate—on which he arose and addressed the speaker as follows: ‘Sir, I wish to speak a few words on the bill now in ques­tion. It affects, mr. Speaker, my constituents very much: for above half our town get their living by it.’

6. Some time ago, at a yearly commencement in one of the eastern states, the auditors were entertain­ed part of the forenoon with a Hebrew oration. Be­ing [Page 8] quite weary of the discourse, a person whispered his companion, who was a New-England sea captain, that he wished the young man, instead of facing the audience, would address himself to those that under­stood the Hebrew.—"Do you so?" said the tar: ‘then, by nowns, brother Jonathan, there would not be a single point of the compass that would suit him.’

7. At the commencement of the late revolution, when the French nation appeared inclined to take part in the contest in favour of America, sir Joseph Yorke, the ambassador from England to the United Netherlands, meeting the French ambassador at the Hague, censured his court for interfering in the dis­pute, and taking so ungenerous a part: "You have been guilty of a dishonourable act (said he) that is unpardonable—to less than that of debauching our daughter." "I am sorry (replied the French Am­bassador) that your excellency should put such a se­vere construction, upon the matter: She made the first advances, and absolutely threw herself into our arms; but, rather than forfeit your friendship, if matrimony will make any atonement, we are ready to act honourably, and marry her."

8. Not long since a person visited the city of New-York, under the style of nobility. For several months his manner of living accorded with his as­sumed character. His lodgings, his attendants and his equipage, corresponded only with rank and opu­lence. Fashion received from him its laws, and taste appealed to him as its genuine standard. Balls, assem­blies, and entertainments, welcomed him as their principal ornament: while senators and ambassadors were pleased to be enrolled as his companions.—In this career of glory, he addressed a young lady, high­ly respectable for her character and connections: but, at the very [...] of marriage, by the fresh appearance of the ink, which he had used in forging certain deels, designed as proof of great family property, and by a dispute with a person about the price of the [Page 9] parchment or which one of them was written, he was discovered to be a miserable vagabond, whom in­famy would have blushed to have acknowledged as her offspring.

9. When George Whitfield first came to Charles­ton in South Carolina, the rev. Alexander Garden was episcopal minister of that place. Not liking Whitfield's principles, he took occasion to preach a sermon against him from the following text,—"Be­hold, those that have turned the world upside down, are come hither also."—In the afternoon of the same day, Whitfield, in his turn, retorted upon his anta­gonist to a very crowded audience, and with all the wit and satire for which he was so remarkable, from these words of St. Paul, "Alexander the copper­smith hath done me much evil, the Lord reward him according to his works."—Soon after, Garden, not to be outdone, took occasion to declaim with some heat, against the light and trifling tunes used in Whitfield's church, as being too theatrical and gay for holy worship, and such as had been long appro­priated to prophane songs and airs—"Very true, doc­tor, said Whitfield in his next lecture: but pray, sir, can you assign any good reason why the devil should always be in possession of the best tunes?"

10. Some officers of the army who had served du­ring the American war, walking in Hyde-Park, dressed in their regimentals, met a man deformed by a haunch on his back, when one of them jocularly clapping his hand thereon, exclaimed, "What have you got here, my friend!" To which the other, with a countenance expressive of the insult, replied, "Bunkers hill—damn your red coat."

11. At the opening of one of the courts of law in Massachusetts, lately, a clergyman was sent for to address the Deity—a gentleman present observed, that although this was ever the laudable practice, at the supreme judicial court, these courts had never, in his memory, opened with prayer. A sailor, who heard the last remark, observed to his mess-mate, "If so, [Page 10] Jack, I believe as how the ship is really in distress, since they pipe all hands, and now call the parson to his quarters."

12. One Indian happened to kill another. The bro­ther of the deceased called upon the murderer, and seeing a woman and children in his hut, asked whose they were? The murderer declared them to be his family. The other then said, though his brother's blood called for revenge, yet as the children were young, and not able to provide for their mother and themselves, he would remain, deaf to these calls for a while; and so left them. Belonging to the same tribe, they continued to live sociably together until the eldest son of the murderer killed a deer in hunt­ing. So soon as the brother of the deceased was in­formed of this, he again called on the murderer, and told him, that his brother's blood called so loud, that it must be obeyed, especially as his son, having killed a deer, could support the family. The murderer said he was ready to die, and thanked the other for so long a delay: on which the wife and children broke into tears. The murderer reproved them for their weakness, and particularly his son—saying to him, did you shed tears when you killed the deer? and if you saw him die with dry eyes, why do you weep for me, who am willing to suffer what the custom of our nation renders necessary? With an undaunted countenance he then called on the brother of the de­ceased, to strike; and died without a groan!

13. General Morgan, with eight hundred men, of whom one half were militia, completely beat, at the battle of the Cowpens, colonel Tarleton, who at­tacked him with one thousand regular troops.—Two hundred dragoons of that colonel, were put to flight, and briskly pursued by sixty Americans, under co­lonel Washington. Some months afterwards, Tar­leton, being in the house of a farmer, spoke with much vanity of himself, and lightly of colonel Washington, saying "he wished much to see his face." "It is a pity then," replied a girl in the [Page 11] house, "that colonel Tarleton did not take the pains to turn his head at Cowpens."

14. About four years before the Shawano Indians were forced to remove from the late Savannah town, they took a Muskohge warrior known by the name of old Scrany—They bastinadoed him in the usual manner, and condemned him to the fiery torture. He underwent a great deal, without shewing any concern: his countenance and behaviour were as if he suffered not the least pain, and was formed beyond the common laws of nature. He told them, with a bold voice, that he was a very noted warrior, and gained most of his martial preferment at the expence of their nation, and was desirous of shewing them in the act of dying, that he was still as much superior to them as when he headed his gallant countrymen against them. That although he had fallen into their power, in forfeiting the protection of the divine be­ing, by some impurity or other, when carrying the holy ark of war against his devoted enemies; yet he had still so much remaining virtue, as would enable him to punish himself more exquisitely than all their despicable ignorant crowd could do, if they gave him liberty by untying him, and would hand to him one of the red hot gun barrels out of the fire. The pro­posal, and his method of address, appeared so ex­ceedingly bold and uncommon, that his request was granted. Then he suddenly seized one of the red hot barrels, and brandishing it from side to side, he forced his way through the armed and surprised mul­titude, and leaped down a prodigious steep and high bank into a branch of the river, dived through it, ran over a small island, and passed another branch, amidst a shower of bullets, from the commanding ground where fort More, or New Windsor garrison, stood, and though numbers of his eager enemies were in close pursuit of him, he got to a brambly swamp, and in his naked, mangled condition, reached his own country. He proved a sharp thorn in their side af­tewards till the day of his death.

[Page 12] 15. In the western expedition of 1758, general Forbes, who commanded it, was, by his infirmities, reduced so low as to be taken up in a litter.—The Indians, who saw him, were astonished that a war­rior could not walk:—this so disgusted them at their commander, that they remonstrated against him. Their old friend, colonel Weiser, to appease them, made this sagacious reply: "This man is so terrible in war, that we are obliged to confine him, and let him write his orders; for if he was let loose on the world, he would deluge it with blood."

16. A certain Dutch justice of the peace, in New-York (when an English province) having issued a sum­mons, returnable on the Sabbath-day, the constable into whose hand it was put to be served, being a fel­low of some humour, returns the summons agree­ably to date; the justice expecting it to be of some other nature, perused it, and finding what it was, said in a great passion, vat de deval you brings dis do day vor? Why, replied the constable, see whe­ther it is not returnable this day, and should I ne­glect my duty, you would, no doubt, report to the grand jury, and in all probability have me severely fined; upon which the justice with a loud voice pro­claimed, I adjourns dis courts till next wendsday, and calls to his son, saying, Hauns, look off de al­manac, and see, as dat vil be on de Sunbaths day?

17. A negro servant being asked what colour he be­lieved the devil was? Why, replied the African, the white men paint him black, we say he is white; but from his great age, and being called Old Nick, I should suppose him grey.

18. A negro had so cruel a master, that he dread­ed the very sight of him. After exercising a variety of tyrannical acts among his slaves, the tyrant at last died, and left his son heir to his estates. Some time after his death a gentleman meeting the negro, asked him how his master behaved; I suppose, says he, he is a chip of the old block. No, no, says the negro, Massa be all block himself.

[Page 13] 19. When the British and American armies were near each other in the neighbourhood of German-Town, five Hessian soldiers, who had straggled in­to the woods, and lost their way, were met by an Irishman, who was a private in general Washington's army: he immediately presented his piece, and de­sired them to surrender; they supposing that he was supported by a party, did as he directed, and threw down their arms. He then marched them before him to the American lines, and brought them to head quarters, general Washington wondered at the spi­rit and achievement of the fellow, and asked him, how he, a single man, could capture five? Why, says the Irishman, please your excellency, by Jasus I sur­rounded them!—The General laughed heartily, gave him a sum of money, and promoted him to a halbert.

20. Upon the flight of the British from Lexing­ton, a major in their army received a wound in the cheek with a goose shot. General Robertson told him the Yankees must have certainly mistaken him for a goose, or they would not have used him so ill.

21. The stage waggon that ran between Richmond and Hampton in Virginia, was driven some time since by a surly, rude fellow. A gentleman, who had ta­ken a place in it, being engaged writing a letter, at the usual time of setting out, requested a few mi­nutes delay, but in vain. Mr. Whip was inexora­ble: he insisted on setting off, adding, by way of reproach, he was sure no gentleman would ask him to stay a moment. So the gentleman was obliged to leave his letter unfinished, and the driver set off at full speed. When they had run about half a mile, the waggoner's hat falling off, he stooped, to pick it up. The gentleman seized the reins, and drove away, leaving mr. Surlyboots behind, who humbly request­ed the new waggoner to stop. This was refused with a sneer, and a remark, that no gentlemen would ask him to stay a moment. Brother Whip was then without remedy, and obliged to trudge on foot to [Page 14] Hampton, a comfortable walk of nearly twelve miles.

22. Some time since, a person on his travels through Coventry, in the state of Connecticut, stopped at the house of the rev. Joseph Huntington, D. D. and acquainted the doctor, that he had been preaching at Susquehannah for a considerable time, but was so unfortunate as to be driven from his possessions by the Indians, who had destroyed his property. He added that he was on his way to Massachusetts, where he had some friends, and asked charity of the doctor. The latter was liberal and hospitable to the stranger, and told him as it was Saturday, and it would be im­proper for him to travel on the Sabbath, he might re­fresh himself at his house both days. The offer was accepted; and dr. Huntington invited his guest to assist him next day in the duties of his function; but he declined, alleging as a reason, that his clothes were not sufficiently decent to appear in the pulpit. To obviate this difficulty, the doctor offered him a suit of clothes almost new. The objection being removed, the pretended clergyman agreed to assist his brother, and, in order to prepare himself, desired to be left alone that even­ing, to study his discourse. A fire was accordingly made in his bed-chamber, whither he repaired with his new garb, at the same time acquainting the doc­tor that he must study till late at night, and hoped no noise he might make would disturb the repose of the family. Sunday morning came, and the preacher be­ing sent for to breakfast, was not to be found. He had decamped in the night, a la sourdine, and car­ried off the clothes, so well suited to his newly-as­sumed clerical dignity, leaving behind him the fol­lowing apposite text, written at the top of the paper, intended for his discourse, "Ye shall seek me, and shall not find me, and where I am, thither ye cannot come." John vii. 34.

23. A madman having broke from confinement, was parading through the streets of Boston, with a [Page 15] loaded musket, which he had seized, and swearing he would kill the first man that attempted to stop him. Governor Leveret advancing towards him, ac­costed him thus, "Ho, brother soldier, have you learned your exercise?"—He answered, "Yes," "Then stand to your arms, while I give the word of command." The man seemed pleased, and stood bolt upright, with his gun shouldered. The governor then began—"Poise your firelock—rest your fire­lock—order your firelock—ground your firelock." The man obeyed. "Face to the right about—march."—As soon as he began to step, the governor advanced, took up his gun, and beckoning to the bystanders, they instantly seized him,—and carried him to the place of confinement.

24. An extravagant young fellow, being accused by one of his friends, of mismanaging his estate, who said I am sorry to see you carry yourself so; for I see, you have all the properties of a prodigal: Nay, says the other, pr'ythee don't say so, for I never yet fed with swine: true, said he, but the reason was, because nobody would trust you with their swine.

25. A taylor having pressed a certain gentleman in his neighbourhood for the payment of a very long bill, day after day to no purpose, told him plainly at last, that he would take a new measure, and work him to Westminister-hall. The gentleman was a man of too much honour to discharge debts of justice, and therefore mr. Buckram cut out a suit for him in the court, though he is determined not to make it up till his debt is discharged.

26. A traveller, relating some of his adventures, told the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which startling them, he observ­ed, that there was no such great matter in it; for, says he, we ran, and they ran after us.

27. One, who was reading a chapter in the bible, came to these words, 'and he was clothed with wick­edness as with a garment.' He said he thought it [Page 16] was very oddly express'd, for how could a man be clothed with wickedness? to which another replied, ‘I suppose he had a bad habit of whoring and drink­ing.’

28. Two persons in company laid a wager which of them could reach the highest; a third, who was remarkable for tricking and taking in the unwary in the way of business, got up and proposed a bet of two bottles to one, that he could reach higher than any of them. One of them replied, with a sneer, ‘Yes, sir, we all know perfectly well that you can over-reach any of us.’

29. A methodist was giving a neighbour of his a lecture against swearing; assuring him that if he dis­regarded his admonition, and persisted in that wick­ed practice, he would certainly go to hell when he died. If I do I'll be damn'd, replied the other.

30. A person was lamenting that he was frequent­ly afflicted with a violent bleeding at the nose; one present said, ‘The best thing you can do will be to lose a little blood.’

31. A man called out of a three pair of stairs win­dow, to a friend of his whom he saw in the street, and desired him to come up stairs; the other excused himself, and said he could not possibly spare time. ‘What, said the other, because I have had mis­fortunes, and am low in the world, you are above coming up to see me. When I was in affluence, and lived upon a ground floor, you condescended to visit me; but now my indigent circumstances oblige me to live up in a garret, you look down up­on me.’

32. A young gentleman having spent all his mo­ney, made a visit to a certain bookseller, with a poem, which he had composed, in [...] and The bibliopolist, knowing the value of money bet­ter than the poet did, offered him a small sum, but a sum not at all inadequate to the intrinsic merit of the piece presented to him. The poet pocketed the [Page 17] five shillings, but being determined to keep up the dignity of the gentleman at the same time, said, ‘This is a trifle, sir, but I write merely for my amusement—were I to live by writing, I find I should starve.’

33. A citizen's wife, who was apt to tipple a lit­tle sometimes, was one summer evening walking out with her husband to take an airing. They had not gone far, before the sky appeared very cloudy, and a shower was expected. ‘It rains, my dear,’ said the wife. ‘Not yet, my dear,’ replied the husband; ‘but I fancy it will not be long first.’ ‘Indeed my Johnny,’ the wife replied, ‘it rains now, for I have just this minute held up my face, and a drop fell in my eye.’ ‘You may imagine so,’ said the husband, ‘but, give me leave to tell you, that you had a drop in your eye before you came from home.’

34. A person who took a bad guinea, went to an assayer to know the real value of it: After it was assayed, it appeared to be worth thirty shillings; whereupon the assayer said, it was a very good bad guinea.

53. The epithets and figures, that some people make use of in telling a story, are truly ridiculous and laughable. A person once related what had happened to him in the following words: ‘I was crossing a large field, and when I came pretty near the middle, a bull followed me, and roared like thunder; I flew like lightning to keep out of his clutches; and being in such a tedious hurry in get­ing over the stile, I tore my breeches, as if heaven and earth were coming together.’

36. The same person speaking of an acquaintance of his, said, he was a prodigious little man, could walk a mortal great pace, that he had a brave appetite, and he believed he would live a deadly long time.

37. A person, speaking of another, said, he was a bloody good natured fellow, that he was damnation ho­nest, [Page 18] a hellish good husband, and devilish charitable to the poor.

38. One said he was very fond of women in gene­ral; but that an African girl with whom he got acquainted upon the Gold Coast, pleased him better than all the rest of the fair sex put to­gether.

39. A person in company said to another, you are a d—d scoundrel. The other replied, ‘Gentlemen, you must not regard what that man says, he is only talking to himself.’

40. In admiral Hawke's last engagement with the French, a sailor on board one of the ships had a leg shot off, whereupon one of his mess-mates took him down to the surgeon. He took his leg off the deck and put it under his arm; he was no sooner brought down, but another of his mess-mates shook his head, and told him he was very sorry he had lost his leg. That is an arrant lie, you son-of-a-bitch, re­plied he, for I have got it under my arm.

41. As dean Swift was crossing over a ferry at Dublin, turning himself from the passengers in the stern of the boat, he addressed a poor man near him. Well, friend, what profession are you of? I am a tay­lor, sir, answered the other, not knowing the dean. Are you married? said Swift. Yes, sir, replied the taylor. And who wears the breeches? said the dean. My a—se, answered the other.

42. A sailor falling out of the main-top of a man of war, by great good luck, fell plump on his breech unhurt, and looking about him, seemingly uncon­cerned, as if nothing had happened, cry'd, blast my eyes, what a move that was.

43. A poor man going to be transported, was asked in derision, by a very ugly fellow, where he was going? Going, said poor Pilgarlick, why I am going to America, among the baboons and mon­keys, your relations, have you any message to send them?

[Page 19] 44. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury-lane play-house, mr. Quick came upon the stage to say something to pacify the audience, and an orange was thrown full at him, which when he had taken up, making a low bow, with the orange in his hand, This is no civil orange, I think, said he.

45. A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, if she spoke one crooked word more, he'd beat her brains out. Why then, rams'- horns, you rogue, said she, if I die for it.

46. A man, who had made a very handsome for­tune, from a very mean beginning, happening to have some words with a person who had known him for some time, was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself so many airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years before, when he had hardly a rag to his a—. You lie, sirrah, replied he, for seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my a—.

47. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be made a jest of; yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal what every body sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: Of this sort was old Smith the player, who being very deaf, did not care any body should know it. Honest Joe Miller, going with a friend one day along Fleet-street, and seeing old Smith on the other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Smith with his finger, and stretch­ing open his mouth as wide as ever he could, as if he halloed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way. What a pox, said he, do you make such a noise for? Do you think one cannot hear you?

48. A gentleman remarked one day at a coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. Zoons, sir, said an [Page 20] old campaigner, who stood by, Who is that? I have heard of all the generals in Europe but him.

49. A very modest young gentleman, having at­tempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of music, and there­fore entertained her with a serenade under her win­dow at midnight; but she ordered her servants to drive him from thence by throwing stones at him: Oh! my friend, said one of his companions, your music is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.

50. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person whose premises he had not much faith in, was very much surprized to find, that he very punctually kept his word with him; the same person some time after was desirous of bor­rowing a larger sum, No, said the other, you have de­ceived me once, and I am resolved you shall not do it a second time.

51. A very tall man going one day to enquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No, sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I will go and call him.

52. Dr. Tadloe, who was a man of an enormous size, happening to go thump, thump, with his great legs through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the middle of July, the fellows im­mediately laid down their rammers. Ah! God bless you, master, cries one of them, it is very kind of you to come this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble, this let weather.

53. A vessel being in great danger at sea, every body was observed to be upon their knees but one man, who being called upon to come with the rest to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to take care of the ship, I am but a passenger.

[Page 21] 54. A beggar, asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied him­self, asked him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking his head, said, he did not understand him: Why, said the gentleman, did not you say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin.

55. A lady's age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but forty, and called upon a gen­tleman, who was in company, for his opinion: Cou­sin, said she, don't you believe I am in the right, when I say I am but forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years.

56. The emperor Augustus being shewn a young Grecian, who very much resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at Rome? No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has.

57. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, by the interest of cardinal Richlieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.

58. A melting sermon being preached in a coun­try church, all fell a weeping but one man, who be­ing asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.

59. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant you: But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse, and swear. Why, you whore son rascal, said he to the ditcher, did you not tell me it was hard at the bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet.

60. A gentleman speaking of his servant, said, I believe I command more than any man, for before my [Page 22] servant will obey me in any thing. I must command him ten times.

61. Two very honest gentlemen, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, How the devil he could afford to under­sell him every where as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready made.

62. A lady who had generally pretty many in­trigues upon her hands, not liking her brother's ex­travagant passion for play, asked him when he de­signed to leave off gaming? When you cease loving, said he. Then, replied the lady, you are like to continue a gamester as long as you live.

63. A soldier was bragging before Julius Caesar, of the wounds he had received in his face. Caesar, knowing him to be a coward, told him, he had best take heed the next time he ran away, ho [...] he looked back.

64. A profligate young nobleman, being in com­pany with some sober people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to him, said, he had no objection to any of his lordship's friends.

65. A Westminster justice, taking coach in the city, and being set down at Young Man's coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded eighteen pence for his fare. The justice asked him, if he would swear that the ground came to the money? The man said he would take his oath of it. The justice replied, Friend, I am a magistrate; and pul­ling the book out of his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow six-pence, saying, He must reserve the shilling to himself for the affida­vit.

66. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he was told, that three or four members of parlia­ment were overturned in a coach. Oh, said he, [Page 23] there let them be, my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.

67. A drunken fellow carrying his wife's bible to pawn for a quartern of gin to the ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What a pox, said the fellow, will neither my own word, nor the word of God pass with you.

68. A certain justice of the peace, that was not far from Clerkenwell, in the first year of king George I. when the fellow, whom he hired to officiate as his clerk, was reading a mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini, 1714, How now, said he, with some warmth, and why not Georgio Domini? sure you forget yourself strangely.

69. The famous sir George Rooke, when he was a captain of marines, was quartered at a village where he buried pretty many of his men; at length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment any more, unless he was paid for it; which being told captain Rooke, he ordered six men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson's hall table. This so embarrassed the priest, that he sent the cap­tain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.

70. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun: and as he was one day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said he, for all your great pains and charity, I do not take this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, my lord, replied the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.

71. A Welshman and an Englishman vapouring one day about the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, There was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in over night, it would be so covered with grass, that it would be difficult to [Page 24] find it the next day. Splut, says the Welshman, what's that? there is a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in over night, and not be able to find him next morning.

72. Two brothers coming once to be executed for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word: the other mount­ing the ladder, began to harangue the croud, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.

73. A fellow once standing in a pillory, it occa­sioned a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; and driving just up to the pillory, he asked, what that was that was wrote over the person's head? they told him it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood there for forgery. Ay, said he, what is forgery? They answered him, that forgery was counterfeiting another's hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the carman re­plied, looking up at the offender, Oh, pox, that comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.

74. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.

75. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a bye-lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the parson, with an erect chest, told him he was better fed than [Page 25] taught. Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed myself.

76. One telling another that he had once so ex­cellent a gun that it went off immediately upon a thief's coming into the house, although it was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because, said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it.

77. Lord chief justice Mansfield had a cause be­fore him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea? No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? says my lord, then let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.

78. A butcher that lay on his death-bed, said to his wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to marry our man John, he is a lusty strong fellow, fit for your business. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that is all, never let it trouble you, for John and I have agreed upon that matter al­ready.

79. A gentleman calling for small beer at ano­ther gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking. What, said the master of the house, do not you like the beer? It is not to be found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of the dead.

80. A venerable clergyman in a neighbouring state, grieved to see the doctrine of universal salva­tion prevailing in his parish, was desirous of prevent­ing its progress by convincing Mr. M—, the preacher of the doctrine, that his system was un­scriptural, and dangerous to society. For this pur­pose he requested the company of Mr. M.—one evening, and being too old to manage the argument with dexterity himself, he desired a young clergy­man [Page 26] of his acquaintance to attend and assist him. The aged gentleman opened the conversation of the evening by informing his younger brother in the mi­nistry, that he had requested the company of Mr. M—, and himself, in order to have the doctrine of universal salvation fairly discussed, in his presence, for he thought Mr. M—, might be convinced of his error; but he was too old to manage the debate—he therefore desired the young clergyman to enter upon the argument with Mr. M—"Why, sir," replied the gentleman, with [...] usual address, "Je­sus Christ says, he that believeth, shall be saved, and he that believeth not, shall be damned; the dispute, therefore, is wholly between Jesus Christ and Mr. M—, and I wish to be excused from an interfer­ence."

81. General Lee being one day surrounded, ac­cording to custom, by a numerous levee of his canine favourites, was asked by a lady, if he was fond of dogs? With his usual politeness, he instantly replied, "Yes madam; I love dogs: but I detest bitches."

82. A white man meeting an Indian, asked him, "whose Indian are you?" To which the copper-faced genius replied, "I am God Almighty's Indi­an, whose Indian are you?"

83. An old gentleman at the point of death, cal­led a faithful negro to him, telling him he would do him an honour before he died. The fellow thanked him, and hoped massa would live long. I intend, Cato, said the master, to allow you to be buried in the family vault. Ah massa, returns Cato, me no like dat, ten pounds would be better to Cato, he no care were he be buried; besides, massa, suppose we be buried togeder, and de devil come looking for massa in de dark, he might take away poor negar man in mistake.

84. "It is a very dark night," says Cato to one of his brethren of colour, as they were both stagger­ing home from a frolic, on a thanksgiving eve—staggering, did I say—they were not drunk, not [Page 27] were they sober—they were at that happy medium, when the bondsman feels himself as happy as the monarch.

"It is a very dark night, Caesar, take care," says Cato. The caution was a good one—but, like ma­ny others, was given too late—For Caesar, striking his foot against the small remains of a post, which time had long been hacking to pieces, measured his length upon the ground, before the friendly caution of Cato had met his car. "I wonder," says Caesar, rising, and rubbing the mud, &c. from off his holi­day suit, "why de dibil de sun no shine in deese dark nights, Cato, and not always keep shining in de day time, when dere's no need of him."

85. Soon after Sir William Johnson had been ap­pointed superintendant of Indian affairs in America, he wrote to England for some suits of clothes, richly laced. When they arrived, HENDRICK, king of the Mohawk nation, was present, and particularly admired them. In a few succeeding days, Hendrick called on Sir William, and acquainted him that he had had a dream. On Sir William's enquiring what it was, he told him that he had dreamed that he had given him one of those fine suits he had lately re­ceived. Sir William took the hint, and immediate­ly presented him with one of the richest suits. The Indian chief, highly pleased with the generosity of Sir William, retired. Some time after this, Sir William, happening to be in company with Hen­drick, told him, that he had also had a dream. Hendrick being very solicitous to know what it was, Sir William informed him, that he had dreamed that he (Hendrick) had made him a present of a particular tract of land (the most valuable on the Mohawk river) of about 5000 acres. Hendrick presented him with the land immediately, but not without making this shrewd remark: "Now, Sir William, I will never dream with you again, you dream too hard for me."

[Page 28] 86. If we mistake not, the following anecdote, respecting the present emperor of Germany, has hi­therto been little mentioned:—Having entered on foot, the inn of a town, where his equipage was every moment expected, the landlady desired to know whether he was one of his majesty's followers?—He asked, with a smile, how that could happen, when he arrived before him? The woman passing by a second time, whilst he was engaged in taking off his beard, could not resist the violence of her curio­sity, and said, "Pray, sir, have you any employ­ment about the emperor's person?" "Yes, he re­plied, I sometimes shave him."

87. Amongst the many singular anecdotes which lord Mansfield has been accustomed to relate of him­self, he used to speak of the following with the most unaffected good humour:—A St. Giles's bird ap­peared as an evidence before him, in some trial con­cerning a quarrel in the street; and so confounded his lordship with slang, that he was obliged to dis­miss him without getting any thing from him. He was desired to give an account of all he knew. "My lord," says he, "as I was coming by the corner of the street, I stagged the man." "Pray," said lord Mansfield, "What is stagging the man." "Stagging, my lord; why you see, I was down upon him." "Well, but I don't understand down upon him any more than stagging—do speak to be understood." "Why, an't please your lordship, I speak as well as I can—I was up, you see, to all he knew." "To all he knew!—I am as much in the dark as ever." "Well then, my lord, I'll tell you how it was." "Do so." "Why, my lord, seeing as how he was a rum kid, I was one upon his tibby." The fellow was at length sent out of court, and was heard in the hall to say to one of his companions, that he had gloriously queered old Full Bottom.

88. A brave tar, with a wooden leg, having the misfortune to have the other shot off, in a sea-fight last war, as his comrades were conveying him to the [Page 29] surgeon, notwithstanding the piognancy of his ago­nies (being a man of humour) he could not suppress his joke, saying, "It was high time for him to leave off play, when his last pin was bowled down."

89. A country fellow, who was just come to Lon­don, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a lottery-office, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what com­modity was sold there; but calling to the clerk, Pray sir, said he, what do you sell here? Loggerheads! cried the other; Do you? answered the countryman: Egad then you have a special trade, for I see you have but one lest.

90. Two gentlemen having a dispute about reli­gion, one said to the other, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I'll hold you ten guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer. Done, said the other. The money was deposited, and the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the creed: Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it.

91. A traveller coming into the kitchen of an inn, in a very cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burnt his boots. An arch rogue, who sat in the chimney-corner, cried out to him, Sir, sir, you'll burn your spurs presently. My boots, you mean, I suppose, said the gentleman. No, Sir, replied the other, they are burnt already.

92. A certain senator, who is not, it may be supposed, the wisest man in the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head, when another speaks; which giving offence to a particular person, he com­plained of the indignity shewn to him; but one who had been acquainted with the first gentleman from a child, as he told the house, assured them, that it was only a bad habit he had got. For though he would shake his head, there was nothing in it.

93. A country clergyman meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that ac­count, [Page 30] and asked if he never read at home? No, re­plied the clown, I can't read. I dare say, said the parson, you don't know who made you? Not I, in troth, cry'd the countryman. A little boy com­ing by at the same time, "who made you, child?" said the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. "Why look you there," quoth the honest clergy­man, "are not you ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah," said the countryman, "it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day; it is a great while, meas­ter, sin I was made."

94. A certain Italian having written a book upon the art of making gold, dedicated it to pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward. His holiness finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, "Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of any thing but a purse to put it in."

95. Two city ladies meeting on a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's (who perhaps stood upon their punctilio of precedence more than some of their betters would have done) when they had risen and taken their leave, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.

96. A handsome young woman, who was a wit­ness in a trial of crim. con. before lord Mansfield, was interrogated by counsellor Dunning, who, thinking to confuse the woman, made her take off her bonnet, that he might have a view of her countenance, and see (for all counsellers are complete judges of phy­siognomy) whether the truth came from her lips. After he had put many ridiculous questions to her, he asked her whether her mistress had ever communi­cated the important secret to her? 'No, sir,' said the woman, 'she never did.' And how can you swear [Page 31] to her infidelity? 'Because I saw another gentleman besides my master in bed with her.' Indeed! said the counsellor. 'Yes, indeed, sir.' 'And pray, my good woman,' said the modest counsellor, thinking to silence her at once; 'did your master, (for I see you are very handsome) in return for his wife's infide­lity, go to bed to you? 'That trial' (says the spirited woman) 'does not come on to-day, mr. Slabberchops.'—Lord Mansfield was tickled to the soul; he thrust his hand into the waist band of his breeches, (his cus­tom when highly delighted) and asked Dunning if he had any more interrogatories to put? 'No, my lord, I have done,' said the chopfallen orator, set­tling his wig, and sitting down.

97. A cornuto one day seeing his footman with an old greasy hat, slouching over his shoulders, Sir­rah, says he, who gave you that cuckold's hat? "Indeed, sir," says John, ‘it was my mistress gave it me, and told me it was one of yours.’

98. A young sprig of nobility, who imagined that wit and peerage were synonimous, said once to a poor clergyman, who happened to sit next a goose, 'Doctor, with all your learning, can you tell me, why the goose is always placed next to the par­son?' 'Indeed, my lord,' replied he, 'I cannot; but whenever I see a goose again, I shall certainly think of your lordship.'

99. Dean Swift, hearing two of his servants dis­puting which of them was to carry his boots, to a place where he was to take horse, called them in, and asked them what they were quarreling about? Both answered, 'Nothing.' 'Very well,' said the dean, 'then go and fetch me my boots.' The boots being brought accordingly, he gave to each of them one, saying, 'Do you take this boot, and do you take that; and do you go on this side the way, and do you go on t'other; and wait for me where the horse is.—I knew you were quarreling about nothing.'

100. A gentleman, who had been a great tra­veller, would oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the [Page 32] wonderful things that he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took notice to him of his exposing him­self as he did to all companies, and ask'd him the meaning of it? "Why," says the traveller, "I have got such a habit of lying, since I have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much oblig'd to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time, when I am likely to give myself too much liberty that way," His friend promis'd that he would; and accordingly not long after, being at a tavern with him and other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had ask'd, How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh: "Zounds," said he, "if you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long."

101. Dr Sheridan, the celebrated friend of Swift, had a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers in his school-room, at a certain hour every day. The boys were one day very devoutly at prayers, except one, who was stifling a laugh as well as he could, which arose from seeing a rat descending from the bell-rope into the room. The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, which set the others a-going when he pointed to the cause. Sheridan was so provoked, that he declared he would whip them all if the principal culprit was not pointed out to him; which was immediately done. The poor pupil of Momus was immediately hoisted, and his posteriors laid bare to the rod, when the witty schoolmaster told him, if he said any thing to­lerable on the occasion, as he looked on him as the greatest dunce in his school, he would forgive him. The trembling culprit, with very little hesitation, addressed his master with the following beautiful distich: [Page 33]

Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and instead of a whipping, gave him half a crown.

102. A bailiff clapt a man on the shoulder, and said, I arrest you, sir, for a horse (meaning for the money he owed for a horse). 'Why, replied the defendant, thou coxcomb, thou art not certainly such a fool as thou makest thyself? Pray look upon me again, why do you take me for a horse?'—Then tripping up his heels, said, However, I'll shew you a horse trick; and after giving him two or three kicks, left him in the kennel, and so ran off.

103. No man had a greater aversion to excess or ridiculous compliments than dean Swift; an instance of which we shall here relate. A lady had given him an invitation to dinner, and as she had heard he was not easily pleased, had taken a month to provide for it. When the time came, every delicacy which could be purchased, the lady had prepared, even to profusion, (which Swift hated.) However, he was scarcely seated, when she began to make a ceremonious harangue; in which she told him, she was sincerely sor­ry she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she was apprehensive there was not any thing there fit for him to eat; in short, that it was a bad dinner.—"Pox take you" (said the dean) "why did you not get a better? Sure you had time enough! but since you say it's so bad, I'll go home, and eat a herring." Accordingly he departed, and left her justly con­fused at her folly, which had spoiled all the pains and expence she had been at.

104. Pope having been lighted home by a link boy, offered to give him something less than he expected; upon which he demanded more; Pope protested he had no more half pence left; repeating a term fami­liar to him, when a little vexed, 'God mend me!' The boy finding, that nothing was to be got, went away muttering loud enough to be overheard, 'God mend me! God mend me! quotha! Five hundred [Page 34] such as I might be made, before one such crooked son of a bitch as you could be mended!' Pope called him back, and gave him half a crown as a reward for his wit.

105. A quaker lodging at an inn, the house being full, a damning blade came up into his room, and would have hector'd him out; but he told him 'twas his room, and by yea and nay, he should not come there. The hector then began to thunder out his oaths, and to strike him: but the quaker, being a stout fellow, returned his blows double and treble, and at last kick'd him down stairs. With that, the master of the house sending the tapster to know the occasion of the noise, he told him, 'twas nothing, but that Yea and Nay had kick'd G—d damme down stairs.

106. A rattling young fellow from London, put­ting up at a country inn, seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; says he, you shall see me dumb-found that countryman; so going up to him, he gives his hat a twirl round, saying, 'There's half a crown for you, countryman.' The farmer, after recovering a little from his surprize, reared his oaken towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very hand­some drubs on the shoulders, saying, ‘I thank you for your kindness, friend, there are two shillings of your money again.’

107. A gentleman amusing himself in the gallery of the Palais, in Paris, observed, while he was carelessly looking over some pamphlets at a booksellers there, a suspicious fellow standing too near him; the gentleman was dressed, according to the fashion of those times, in a coat with a prodigious number of tags and tas­sels, which the thief, for such he was, began to have a design upon; and the gentleman, not willing to disappoint him, turned his head another way, on pur­pose to give him an opportunity; the thief immedi­ately set to work, and in a thrice twisted off seven or eight of the silver tags; the gentleman immediately perceived it, and slily drawing out of his pocket a pen­knife, which cut like a razor, catched the fellow by [Page 35] the ear, and cut it off close from his head. 'Mur­der! murder!' (cries the thief) 'Robbery! rob­bery!' (cries the gentleman) upon this the thief, in a passion, throwing them at the gentleman, cried, 'There are your tags and buttons.' 'Very well, (says the gentleman, throwing it back in the like manner) There is your ear.'

108. An old lady beholding herself in a looking-glass, and spying the wrinkles in her face, threw down the glass in a rage; saying, it was strange to see the difference of glasses: for, says she, I have not looked in a true one these seventeen years.

109. A tinker was crying for work; one asked him why he did not stop the two holes in the pillory? Says the tinker, "if you'll lend me your head and ears, I [...]ll lend you hammer and nails, and give you the work into the bargain."

110. One praying in a church, his hat was stolen from him; of which when he complained to the standers-by; you should, said one, have watched as well as prayed.

111. A person in company railed against a gen­tleman lately deceased; one of them to vindicate him, said, he thought him not so very bad as he had been represented; adding, to my knowledge, sir, he was very charitable; and charity, you know, covers a multitude of sins. Faith, sir, so it ought, said the first, for he had a multitude to cover.

112. One being asked his opinion of the poets; he answered, that he thought them the best writers, next to those that wrote prose.

113. A lieutenant-colonel in one of the Irish regi­ments in the French service, dispatch'd by the duke of Berwick, from fort Kebl, to the king of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that had happened in the regiment; his majesty with some emotion of mind, told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. "Sire," says the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint."

[Page 36] 114. A fellow walking in the street in a winter night, and seeing a handsome lantern hung out with a candle in it, thought to secure it for himself, but having climbed up, and going to take it, one of the servants seeing him, asked him, why he meddled with the lantern! I crave mercy, says he, I was only go­ing to snuff the candle, that I might see to go along.

115. A lady told a simple gentleman, that his wit was pretty; Why so, says he? Because, says she, you have so little, and all that's little, is pretty.

116. The marquis of Grance being just returned from the army, went to wait upon the king at the Louvre in his-riding-dress, all dusty: two mar­shals of France meeting him in the ante chamber, in that dirty condition, What a pickle you are in, said they to him, smiling; why, you are like a groom. Right, gentlemen, answered the marquis, just ready to curry you both very handsomely.

117. It was said of one, who remembered every thing he lent, and nothing he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.

118. A drunken rake, that made it his constant practice to lie in bed every Sunday, was sharply re­proved for it by a clergyman; the beau answered, that he was sorry a person of the sacred function un­derstood the scriptures no better, when the sabbath was appointed for a day of rest.

119. What a fine book could one make out of what you are wholly ignorant of! said a bantering spark one day to his friend; right, answered his friend, and what a paltry one could be made out of what you know?

120. A married man having got a wench with child, was told by the justice, that he thought such a man as he, would not have defiled his bed so. You mistake, sir, said he, there was no defiling of the bed in the matter, for it was done in the field.

121. A chandler having had some candles stole, one bid him be of good cheer; for in a short time, says he, I am confident they'll all come to light.

[Page 37] 122. A country fellow being admitted to a gen­tleman's table, fell upon the artichokes at the lower end; but not knowing what of them should be eaten, and what not, took a mouthful of the burs, which almost choaked him: one who sat next him, said, Friend, that dish is reserved for the last. Truly, an­swered he (as well as he could) I am of your mind; for I think it will be my last.

123. One seeing a great heap of stones, said to his friend, I wish I had some of these stones at home, Why, what would you do with them? said the other, "Why," said he, ‘I would build a brick wall round my yard with them’

124. One asked another, how such a person liv'd these hard times? to which the other answered, By his wits. I wonder, says the first, how he can live upon so small a stock?

125. A witty knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for so much fine lace as would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, he told her that he believed she had not quite enough to perform the covenant, for one of his ears was nail­ed to the pillory of Bristol.

126. A gentleman had a blind harper playing be­fore him while it was pretty late; at last he commands his man to light the harper down stairs: to whom the servant replied, sir, the harper is blind; Why, you ignorant loggerhead, says his master, has not he the more need of light?

127. A lady, having had the misfortune to bury several of her family in a little time, the sexton brought her a bill; which she thinking unreasonable, demanded some abatement, and tendered him five shilling less than he had charged. The sexton eyed the money, and at length took it up, saying, as you have been a good chap, madam, and I expect more of your custom, I'll take it this time, but I really cannot afford it.

128. One having an extreme bad cough, said, if [Page 38] one cough be so troublesome, what would a man do, if he had twenty?

129. A lawyer told his client, his adversary had removed his suit out of one court into another. Let him remove it to the devil, quoth the other, I am sure my attorney, for money, will follow him.

130. A lady was saying she had overthrown her adversary; at which one of her servants said, Ay, he took a wrong sow by the ear, when he meddled with your ladyship.

131. A clownish gentleman, who had courted a young lady, and agreed upon the marriage, espied a pretty mare a grazing, which he would have into the bargain. The father being unwilling to part with his mare, the match was broke off. A twelve-month after, the wooer meets the lady at a fair, and would fain have renewed his old acquaintance; but she pre­tended ignorance at first, and said, she did not know him! No, said he, do not you know me? Why I was once suitor to you. "I cry you mercy, sir," said she, ‘now I remember you, you came a wooing to my father's mare, and she is not married yet.’

132. A sea captain's opinion being asked about a future state, he answered that he never troubled him­self about state affairs.

133. One desired a kindness of a covetous rich miser: yes, says he, you shall have it, if you can persuade me to it. Why, faith, said he, if I were to persuade you to any thing, it should be to hang yourself.

134. One parting persons engaged in a fray, was cut into the skull; says the surgeon, sir, one may see your brains: nay, then I'll be hanged, said he, if I had any brains, I had never come there.

135. A gentleman meeting his godson, asked him whither he was going? To school, replies the boy. That's well done, said he, there's six pence for you, follow your learning apace; I may live to hear you preach my funeral sermon.

136. One held a paradox, that wise men were [Page 39] great liars; for, said he, the old proverb tells us, children and fools tell truth.

137. One night, a drunken fellow jostled against a post; but the fellow thought some body had jostled him, and fell a beating the post till his fingers were broken. Says one to him, fie, what makes you fight with a post? says he, why did he not blow his horn then?

138. A country fellow (who was an apprentice) being to be catechised, the parson ask'd him, what's your name? John, says the fellow. Who gave you that name? says the parson. My godfathers and god­mothers, &c. says the fellow. Well said, says the parson; and what did your godfathers and godmo­thers then for you? Says John, sir, they have done nothing for me yet, but they promise to do something for me when I come out of my time.

139. One telling his friend of the death of one whom he loved entirely, says t'other, it's impossible, for if he had been dead, he would have sent me word, I'm sure on't.

140. In a storm at sea, all went to prayers but one, and he fed heartily on salt meat; being asked the reason, he said, ‘He should drink more that day than ever he did in his life.’

141. One, when the hangman came to put the halter about his neck, desired him not to bring the rope too near his throat; "For I am," says he, ‘so ticklish about that place, I shall hurt myself so with over-laughing, that it will go near to throttle me.’

142. A cobler's wife, speaking of a street where­in she lived before, her apprentice, mumbling, said, "There were none but whores and bawds lived there." What's that you said, sirrah? said she. "I said," replied he, "there's honester women than yourself live there."

143. A great eater, having a large piece of roast-beef set before him, he eat sometimes at one end, and then at the other, his host, desired him to cut it handsomely, and in one place: says he, it is no [Page 40] matter where I begin, for I intend to make an end of it all before I go.

144. One borrowed a sum of money, and failed to pay it at the time; his creditor meeting him, began to chide him for not keeping his day. O sir, says he, excuse me, I am not a strict observer of set days.

145. One coming into a friend's house, he saw the four seasons of the year hanging; said he, ‘These are pretty; but if you had bought the whole do­zen of them, they would have set off the room very handsomely.’

146. A merry cobler commending a cup of nut-brown ale, said, let old Joan my wife chase and chide me ever so much, if she should cut my throat, I would drink strong ale still.

147. One seeing his son doing mischief, cried out, did you ever see me do so when I was a boy?

148. A gentleman came to a widow's house, and she presented him with a cup of small beer; coming a week afterwards, saluted him with another cup of the same beer, sir, I dare not commend the beer to you, for indeed it is dead; to which he replied, that may very well be, for it was very weak when I was here last.

149. A deaf fellow coming to town to sell a tur­key, had occasion to untruss a point; a gentleman passing by, intending to put a joke upon him; coun­tryman, said he, there's a t—under you. The man, thinking he asked the price of his turkey, said 4s. master. I say, there's a t—under you, said the other. It is as good as ever you eat in your life, said the fellow, either baked or roasted. You rascal, said he, I could find in my heart to kick you soundly: chuse, said the fellow, if you won't, another will.

150. A woman being at the point of death, her husband asked her who he should marry? Are you in such haste, says she, why then, marry the devil's dam. No, says he, I don't care to commit incest, for I have matched with the daughter already.

[Page 41] 151. A poor fellow, who had grown rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and took great state upon him, was met one day by one of his acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

152. A taylor sent his bill to a lawyer for mo­ney: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him, he must needs have the money. Did you tell your master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, an­swered the boy, but he bade me tell you that he was.

153. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter's servant to drive a nail or two in his study, the fel­low after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink? "Make you drink?" says the gentleman, ‘there is a pickled herring for you, and if that will not make you drink, I will give you another.’

154. A young gentleman having got his neigh­bour's maid with child, the master, a grave man, came to expostulate with him about it. I wonder, said he, how you could do so? ‘Prithee where is the wonder?’ said the other, ‘if she had got me with child, you might have wondered indeed.’

155. A sharper of the town, seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an inn, and thinking some­thing might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, do you smoke, sir? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon me.

156. A Scotch bag-piper travelling to Ireland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but three [Page 42] wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his provender was all gone—At length he took up his pipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel [...]aw me, said Sawney, an I had ken'd you la'd music sa weel, you should have [...]aen it before dinner.

157. A sea-officer, who, for his courage in a for­mer engagement, where he had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in the heat of the next engagement, a cannon ball took off his wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck; a seaman, thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the carpenter will do.

158. A drunken fellow, having sold all his goods to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too: when being reproved for it by some of his friends; why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?

159. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his captain, that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says, the captain, pri­thee what is he? "A batcher, sir," replies the serjeant, ‘and your honour will have double service for him, for we had two sheep-stealers in the company before.’

160. A lady who had a mind, she told another, to quarrel with an impertinent teazing young fel­low she did not like, said she could not tell how to provoke him, he was so very assiduous and submis­sive. 'Slife, said her friend, I'd spit in his face. ‘Alas! replied she, that will not do, when men are fawning like lap-dogs, they will take that for a favour.’

161. A plain countryman bringing his daugh­ter to town, said, though she was brought up alto­gether in the country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, says a pretty young female in company, country sense. Why faith, madam, says the man, coun­try [Page 43] sense is better sometimes than city impu­dence.

162. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, be­ing in London, which place he had never seen be­fore, espied a rope hanging at a merchant's door, with a handle to it, and wondering what it meant, he takes it in his hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring; the merchant being near the door, went him­self, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing that hangs at your door. What coun­tryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an't please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beats a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the coun­tryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a cuckold.

163. A simple bumkin, arriving in London, was very much taken at the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the cu­riosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up, the countryman's feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen advanced, so did he, and to make the better sport, if any place was dir­tier than the rest, that they chose to go through; the countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven, in the same manner, com­ing to his lodgings, gave them their demand. Re­turning to the country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withal, that he had been carried in a sedan: Sedan! quoth one, what is that? ‘Why, said he, like our watch house, only it is covered with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on foot.’

[Page 44] 164. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to a­chieve the enterprize, the captain advised the colonel to send but half so many men. Why so, said the colonel, to send but half so many men? Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be killed.

165. A bishop of Cervi [...], in Italy, came in great haste to the pope, and told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the pope, do not you know that Fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will find this is one of them.

166. Several scholars went to steal rabbits, and on the way they warned a novice among them to make no noise, for fear of scaring the rabbits away. At last, he espying some, said aloud in Latin, [...] cuniculi multi! and with that the rabbits ran into their burrows: wherewith his fellows were offended, and chiding him for it, he said, Who the devil would have thought that rabbits understood Latin?

167. Dr. Linegar, titular archbishop of Dublin, about thirty years since, was a man of lively parts, and very communicative: he happened in a large mixed company to be introduced to mr. Swan, a gentleman of a cynical turn, whose practice it was to attempt to raise a laugh at the expence of some one in the company; they sat near each other at table, where the doctor engaged attention by his sprightly manner; mr. Swan, to silence him, ad­dressed him, mr.—I forget your name. Line­gar, sir, replied the doctor. I ask your pardon; I have the misfortune scarce ever to recollect names; you'll not be offended, if, in the course of conversa­tion, I should name you doctor Vinegar; O, not at all, sir, replied the doctor; I have the same defect, and it is probable, though I now name you Swan, I may by-and-by think you a goose. The laugh was [Page 45] effectually turned against the cynic, who never at­tempted a second sarcasm that evening, and went away as soon as he decently could.

168. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I have very good reason for it, answered the other, poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest croney and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I should have done on the like oc­casion; he found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What, answered the other, hang a man for finding a bridle? that is hard indeed. To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the other end of it.

169. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black: take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him, put on your spec­tacles, your honour, answered the dyer.

170. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster's often reading a chapter in the Corin­thians, wherein is this sentence, We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye; privately era­sed the letter c, in the word changed. The next time, his master read it, We shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

171. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better diversion, one proposed play, but, said another in the company, I have fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are those? said another. In the first place, answered he, I have no money: Oh! said the first, if you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.

172. A man going one day along the street, an impudent fellow came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. I don't use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, said the other, and so made way for him.

[Page 46] 173. A late archbishop had promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance. Soon after, hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about two hundred pounds a year, he sent his chaplain to the place too see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him; but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neigh­bourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him; and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop sent him to view that; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. A third living, much better than either of the others, becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was again sent to take a view of that; and when he came back, Well, now, said the archbishop, how do you like this living? What objection can you have to this? I like the country very well, answered he, and the house, the income, and the neighbour­hood, but,—But! replied the archbishop, what but can there be then? But, said he, the old incum­bent is not dead. I found him smoking his pipe at the door of his house.

174. An old lady being at table, and mumbling a piece of brawn, that was very horney, for a long time, at length, by its elasticity, it jumped out of her mouth, upon the plate of a young gentleman, who sat upon the opposite side of the table; but he, not seeing from whence it came, quickly eat it up. Good lord, said the old lady, what a fine thing it is to be young, and have one's teeth! I have been mumbling and tumbling that piece of brawn in my mouth this half hour to no purpose, and that young gentleman has chewed and swallowed it in a mo­ment.

[Page 47] 175. A very great boaster and bully having been once kicked by a gentleman for his impertinence, turning round, ventured to ask his chastiser, whe­ther he was in earnest? Yes, in very good earnest, replied the gentleman, half drawing his sword. The other, not having courage to answer him in that way, contented himself with saying, ‘I am glad I know your mind; for I'll be d—if I like such jests.’

176. A gentleman, happening to have high words with a butcher, was at last so provoked that he raised his cane, and threatened to give him a good dressing. No, master, says his antagonist, it shall only be lent; and I will take care it shall be re­paid with interest.

177. A prisoner in the fleet lately sent to his cre­ditor, to let him know that he had a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit. Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been thinking, said he, that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to the expence of seven groats a week. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness; for God knows what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, what I would propose is this; you shall let me out of prison, and, instead of seven groats, you shall allow me only eighteen pence a week, and the other ten pence shall go towards the dis­charge of the debt.

178. "How many cuckolds, without including thee, said a citizen's wife to her husband, dost thou reckon in our street?" How do you mean, replied he, angrily, without including me?—"Well, dear, re­plied the wife, if that does not please thee, how many dost thou think there are, including thee?"

179. As the late mr. Rich, whose abilities as a harlequin are universally known, was one evening returning home from the play-house in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare-market. Just as [Page 48] the coach passed one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open, dexterously threw himself out of the coach window into the room. The coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended from his box, opened the coach door, and let down the step; then, taking off his hat, he waited for some time, expect­ing his fare to alight; but, at length, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses on the rascal who had bilked him, re­mounted his box, turned about, and was returning to the stand; when Rich, who had watched his op­portunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out, asked the fellow where the devil he was driving, and desired him to turn about. The coachman almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and, after reproaching the fellow with stupidi­ty, tendered him his money.—‘No, God bless your honour, said the coachman, my master has ordered me to take no money to night’—Pshaw! said Rich, your master's a fool; here's a shilling for yourself! "No, no," said the coachman, who by that time had remounted his box, ‘that will not do; I know you too well, for all your shoes—and so, mr. Devil, I think your are outwitted.’

180. As a press-gang, during the late war, were patroling round Smithfield, they laid hold of a man tolerably well dressed: who pleaded that, being a gentleman, he was not liable to be impressed. "Haul him away, says one of the tars, he is the very man we want; we press a damn'd number of black guards, and are cursedly at a loss for a gentleman to teach them good manners."

181. A short time previous to the late war, a ma­gistrate, who had served the office of lord mayor, read in the papers that the French had taken um­brage; upon which he ran to his stock broker to or­der him to sell out—The French have commenced hostilities, said the magistrate, they have taken Um­brage [Page 49] from us. The stock-broker applied to his ga­zetteer—No such place was to be found. He flew to 'Change-alley, and there, after some difficulty, the point was cleared up.

182. Macklin and doctor Johnson, disputing on a literary subject, Johnson quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin.—A man who ar­gues, should understand every language, replied Johnson—Very well, answered Macklin, and gave him a quotation in Irish.

183. An eminent tradesman at the west end of London, remarkable for the blunt sincerity of his dealing, had delivered a bill for a debt of 20l. to a noble lord, not remarkable for the promptitude of his payment; the debt had been due for a dozen years, and the tradesman had called so often in vain that he was exasperated. But one morning, by the blunder of a new servant, he was admitted to his lordship's presence. He was a man of a large and extensive trade, and having realized a fortune of 30,000l. did not pay much reverence to a lord, when that lord was long-winded in his payment. He therefore insisted, in very positive terms, on his mo­ney, and hinted something about the hardship of that law which gave protection to insolvent peers.—Fortunately, he enraged his noble debtor so much, as to urge him to take the uncommon resolution of paying the bill that instant. He accordingly pulled out his purse, and having thrown the money on the table, he declared that he never in his life saw so in­solent a fellow, and he swore that he would punish him for his rudeness, by prevailing on every friend of his to discharge him from their employment. Old Vinegar taking up, and pocketing the money with all the composure in the world, said in answer to this, As to you, my lord, I'll take care you shall ne­ver employ me—and if you will give me a list of your friends, I'll give you my word they shan't nei­ther.

[Page 50] 184. A certain preacher having changed his reli­gion for a good benefice, was much blamed by some of his friends for deserting them. To excuse him­self, he assured them he should not have done it, but for seven reasons. Being asked what they were? he answered, "a wife and six children."

185. A merry fellow went to the celebrated dr. Graham, and finding him within, begged to speak with him in the most private manner; the doctor ac­cordingly took him into a room, secluded almost from light, and then begged him to explain his case; the fellow urged on the doctor the utmost secrecy, saying if it should come by any means to his friends' ears, he should be ruined, &c. The doctor assured him of his taciturnity. Well, says the fellow, I believe, doctor, you are the only man that can cure me; the doctor replied, he had no doubt but, let his case be ever so desperate, he could effect a perfect cure. The fellow then begged to describe his disorder, which he did in the following manner: I have been a sad raking dog, and so—Oh, says the doctor, I understand you; I have made that disorder my con­stant study, and can remove it in the most obstinate cases.—Well, goes on the fellow, as I was coming up Fleet-street—You picked up a lady, I suppose, says the doctor—No, says the fellow, but seeing one of your men giving bills away, I took one, and having occasion a little after to evacuate, I used one of your bills, which proved so small that I befouled my fingers, therefore all I beg is, that you would print them on larger paper, to prevent like acci­dents in future."

186. A wit being once very low in pocket, and meeting with a lord who was walking in the court, thought to wheedle him out of a broad piece, and coming up to him, said, my lord, I had a strange dream last night, and now half of it is out; for I dreamed that I met you here, and that you gave me a broad piece. Well, says his lordship, then I will make out the other part, and so gave it [Page 51] him. But stay, now I think on it, give me that again, for it is a piece my mistress gave me to keep for herself. Scroggin readily returned it, in hopes of a better gratuity. Now, said my lord, I'll tell you my dream, that it may be out likewise. I dreamt that I gave a fool money, and he had not the wit to keep it; and so passed on, leaving Scroggin to scratch his ears, and fretting to be so outwitted.

187. When Swift was a young man, and by no means known in the literary world, he happened to be standing in a careless manner, with his back to the fire, at a coffee-house; a gentleman just oppo­site to him, who was superscribing a letter, seeing a raw-boned aukward fellow rather engross the fire, calls out, ‘Pray young man have you got any sand about you?’ ‘No, friend,’ says Swift, ‘but I have got some gravel, and if you will give me your letter, I will piss upon it directly.’

188. Two musical pretenders, having a wager a­bout which of them sung the best, they agreed to refer it to a master of music, who undertook to be arbitra­tor on this occasion.—A day was accordingly fixed on, and both the parties executed to the best of their abilities before him. As soon as they had finished, the judge proceeded to decide in the following man­ner: As for you, sir, addressing himself to the first, you are by much the worst singer I ever heard in my life. Ah said the other, exulting, I knew I should win my wager. Stop, sir, says the judge, I have a word to say to you before you go, which is this, that as for you, sir, you cannot sing at all.

189. During lord Townshend's residence in Dub­lin, as viceroy, he often went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a shoe­black, known by the name of blind Peter, and having found him out, he stopped to get his boots cleaned, which was no sooner done, than his lordship asked Peter to give him change for half a guinea. Half a guinea! your honour, said the ragged wit, change [Page 52] for half a guinea from me!—by G—sir, you may as well ask a Highlander for a knee-buckle—His lord­ship was so well pleased, that he left him the bit of gold, and walked off.

190. A poor fellow having lent one of his com­rades a small matter, spoke to him about it one night. By G—Tom, those two guineas I lent you, ought to be paid me; you know I am in great dis­tress. Do not talk to me about it, said the other, by heavens, within this week, I will take care to pay you in some shape or other. You will oblige me, replied the creditor, and pray let it be as much in the shape of two guineas as possible.

191. An extravagant young fellow, who was ve­ry forward in spending his money, though he could but ill afford it, being one evening in company in a public house where it was proposed to spend six­pence a piece; the young spendthrift, not contented with this reasonable expence, insisted that it should be a shilling; saying, he knew no difference between a shilling and six pence. To which a sly old economist replied, but you will, young gentleman, when you come to be worth eighteen-pence.

192. Pope, who, whatever his other good quali­ties might be, certainly was not much troubled with good nature, was one evening at a coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a manuscript of the Greek comic poet Aristophanes, in which they found a passage they could not com­prehend. As they talked pretty loud, a young offi­cer, who stood by the fire, heard their conference, and begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage.—"Oh!" (says Pope, sarcastically) ‘by all means, pray let the young gentleman look at it:’ upon which the officer took up the book, and considering a while, said, ‘that there only wanted a note of interrogation’ to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. And pray master, says Pope (piqued perhaps, at being out-done by a red coat) ‘what is a note of inter­rogation?’— [Page 53] ‘A note of interrogation, (replied the youth, with a look of the utmost contempt) is a little crooked thing that asks questions!’ 'Tis said, however, that Pope was so delighted with the wit, that he forgave the sarcasm on his person.

193. A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobler, who had just died in the street, a man asked a wit present what was to be seen? Only a cobler's end, replied he.

194. The empress of Germany asked a French officer if the princess royal of France was, as the world reported her, the most beautiful princess in Europe? I thought her so yesterday, answered the po­lite Frenchman.

195. A celebrated chief justice being on the mid­land circuit, a mr. Shirley, of the county of Lei­cester, was brought before him, charged with hav­ing committed a rape on one of his tenant's daugh­ters; the judge was remarkable for possessing an uncommon share of delicacy, and therefore, on the day preceding that of the intended trial, ordered the crier of the court to give notice that it would come on the next morning at seven o'clock; thereby trusting that the female sex would absent themselves on such an occasion. Instead of which the ladies came pouring in numbers into the court by six o'clock: at length the judge having heard all that the witnesses had to say in support of the charge, de­sired the prisoner would enter upon his defence. Mr. Shirley therefore informed the court, that as he was one evening walking over his ground, he espied his prosecutrix carry away a bundle of faggots from a pile that belonged to him, and observing that she was a handsome girl, he jocosely told her, if ever he caught her repeating the transgression, he would as­suredly repay himself in a way most agreeable to his wishes. Business calling him the next day to town, he was absent about a fortnight; and on his return home, one of his servants desired to know whether he had given permission to a young woman to carry [Page 54] away faggots from such a pile, for that she had done it every evening since his departure; it immediately occurred to him that it must be the girl he had seen before; and about the same hour, he repaired to the old spot, where he had not waited long before she made her appearance: to be brief, he jocularly desired the girl to make personal restitution, which, without hesitation or reluctance, she complied with. Mr. Shirley, in short, was honourably acquitted; but before he departed the court, the judge desired to give him one piece of advice; "if," says his lord­ship, ‘you should ever find a woman stealing your faggots again, do not threaten her with such a pu­nishment, for if you do, believe me that the la­dies in the gallery will not leave you a stick in your hedge.’

196. The late duke of Ancaster passing over Tower-Hill on a very wet day, stopped for the purpose of getting his boots cleaned; when the operation was over, on searching his pockets, he found he had not less than half a guinea, which the boy said he could get changed in an instant, if his honour would be so kind in the mean time to take care of his stool and blacking instruments. His grace being there­fore deputed to this important charge, the boy went in quest of the change; his intention was to return, but meeting a companion less honest than himself, and telling him his errand, the other advis­ed him to make off. Ay, but, says the first, what shall I do for my brushes and tools? Oh, never mind that; leave the business to me, and you may depend upon having them at our rendezvous in less than ten minutes. The fellow accordingly walked up with an impudent air to the spot where the duke was guarding the tools, and began to pack them up in a violent burry; what are you about, you rascal? said his grace; those things are not your's; yes, but they are, says the fellow; the rascal that cleaned your boots, and left you as centinel, was a debtor of [Page 55] mine, he is now a bankrupt, and by—I'll seize both stock and block.

197. A lady hearing that a man in a high post, where he had an opportunity of fingering a great deal of money, had married his kept mistress; dear me, said she, that fellow is always robbing the pub­lic.

198. A company of gossips, at a good woman's labour, when the business was over, began to dis­course about the walking of spirits, which some af­firmed to have seen, while others doubted of their appearance. But at last the midwife, whose judg­ment bore a great sway, delivered her judgment thus: For my part, I have gone up and down all hours in the night, and yet, heaven be praised, I never saw any thing worse than myself; though on my conscience, I believe I saw the devil once.

199. An impudent fellow dined so often at a gen­tleman's house, that he grew quite weary of him: and seeing him there one day, desired dinner to be put back. The fellow after waiting some time, en­quired when dinner would come up? "Truly, sir," says the servant, ‘not till you are gone, so it is but a folly for you to stay.’

200. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired the landlord to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater compliment than usual to his guest, pretended to find fault with the table cloth, and took the knives and forks, and threw them down stairs. The gentleman, resolving not to baulk his humour, threw the bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised, enquired the reason. "Nothing," replied the gentle­man, ‘but that I thought you had a mind to sup below.’

201. A notorious thief being to be tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty, upon his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in not guilty. [Page 56] The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict, not guilty. The judge asked them the reason? the foreman replied, ‘there is reason enough: for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.’

202. A countryman that lived in London three years, when he went home, a friend asked him, if he saw Whitehall? No, says he. Nor the tower? says the other. No, says he. Strange, replied the other what could be the reason of it?" "Why, truly," says he, ‘Squire Akerman, the keeper of Newgate, was so cross a fellow, he would not let me out to see any thing.’

203. An Indian chief being asked his opinion of a cask of Madeira wine presented to him by an officer, said, he thought it a juice extracted from women's tongues and lion's hearts; for after he had drank a bottle of it, he said, he could talk for ever, and fight the devil.

204. When dr. Swift was dean of St. Patrick's, he was informed by one of the chapters, that the beadle of the cathedral was a poet. The doctor sent for him, and asked him some questions relating to his poetical talents, which he modestly disclaim­ed, asserting that he only wrote for his bell. It be­ing winter, the doctor insisted he should compose some verses on the fifth of November, and repeat them under his window, which accordingly he did; and the dean was so pleased, that he rewarded the composer with a guinea, declaring at the same time, that he was a better composer than Ambrose Philips. The following were the lines repeated under the dean's window:

205. A young fellow, who had more fortune than wit, being at dinner, at the house of a gentleman [Page 57] of distinction, a young lady that was there was taken with a fainting fit, and while every body was hastening to her assistance, some with smelling bottles, and some with other helps, proper on such an occasi­on; says the spark, with a sneer, there is no great dan­ger, I suppose it only a breeding qualm; Sir, says a gen­tleman that sat near him, with a severe tone of voice, the lady is a sister of mine, and has been a widow these two years. Pardon me, replied the spark, who did not extremely like his looks, and was willing to palliate the offence, she looks so young and innocent, that I took her for a maid.

206. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link boy cried, have a light, gen­tlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog, says one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, I can find the way in the dark; shall I light your honour there?

207. As a thief was going to the gallows, many boys ran before to see the execution; which he ob­serving, called to them, saying, boys, you need not make so much haste, for there will be no sport till I come.

208. A bricklayer working on the top of a house, happened to fall down through the rafters. O! says a stander-by, I like such a fellow mightily; for he is a man that goes through his work.

209. One seeing a painter write false English on a tomb-stone in a country church yard, told him of it. Poh, said he, I know what I do well enough; for the people here are so penurious that they will not go to the charge of good English.

210. Two girls disputed about precedency, one the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune, the other of a brewer. You are to consider, miss, said the brewer's daughter, that my papa keeps a coach. Very true, madam, said the other, and you are to consider that he likewise keeps a dray.

211. A humorous fellow, a carpenter, being subpoenaed as a witness, on a trial for an assault, one [Page 58] of the counsel who was very apt to brow beat the witnesses, asked what distance he was from the par­ties when the assault happened? The carpenter an­swered, just four feet, five inches, and a half. How came you to be so very exact? said the counsellor. Because I expected some such fool would ask me, answer­ed the witness, and so I measured it.

212. One sent his man to a lawyer for advice, without a fee, but was slighted; then his master went and gave him his fee: O, now, says the lawyer, I understand you. When he came home, he chid his man for not telling the business right: O, sir, says he, I had not my instructions in my pocket.

213. A king was riding a hunting, and coming to a gate which he must go through, seeing a country clown at it, said, prithee, fellow, open the gate: The fellow knowing who he was, said, no, and please your grace, I am not worthy of that office, but I will run and tell mr. Holt, who is justice of the peace, two miles off, and he shall come and open it for your grace. So he ran away, and left the king to open the gate himself.

214. A great zealot advised one to leave off all wickedness, especially that of the flesh, and live al­together by the spirit, as he did, Yes, says the other, I do believe you do; for sure 'twas some spi­rit that moved you to get your maid with child.

215. A lady ordered her footman to a staymaker, to fetch home a new pair of stays, withal strictly charging him, if it rained, to take a hackney coach. A violent shower of rain falling, the fellow return­ed with the stays drooping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not obeying the commands of his lady, replied, that in truth he did take a coach, but came all the way behind as became his station.

216. A man, complaining to his friends, that his wife's drunkenness and ill conduct had almost ruined him, concluded, as the vulgar usually do, and for goodness sake, what's to be said for it? Nothing that [Page 59] I know, says his friend, can be said for it, but much against it.

217. A young woman came to a lady to be hired, and the lady told her, she was no maid. Yes, indeed, madam, says she, but I am. How can that be, re­plied the lady, when to my knowledge you have had a child? Well, madam, says she, it was but a very little one, and do you make such a matter of that?

218. A quaker, that was a barber, being sued by the parson for tythes; Yea and Nay went to him, and said, he had never any dealings with him in his whole life: why, says the parson, it is for tythes! says the quaker, I prithee friend, upon what account? why says the parson, for preaching in the church. Alas! then, replied the quaker, I have nothing to do with paying thee; for I come not there. Oh! but you might, says the parson, for the doors are always open at con­venient times. And thereupon told him, he would be paid, seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay here­upon shak'd his ears, and making several wry faces, departed, and immediately entered his action (it be­ing a corporation town) against the parson for forty shillings: the parson upon notice of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded why he put such a disgrace upon him: and for what did he owe him the money? Truly, friend, replied the quaker, for trimming. For trimming, said the parson; why I never was trimm'd by you in my life; O! but thou might­est have come and been trimm'd, if thou hadst been pleas­ed, for my doors are always open at convenient times as well as thine.

219. One that had the looking after a chapel, gave a charge to the rest to let in none of the crowd before the great persons were come and seated; thereupon going to the vestry, and looking into the chapel, he espy'd a great many people; at which, being angry, he told one of the vergers, I am afraid you'll be turn'd out of your place, for you have fill'd the chapel full of people before any body comes in.

[Page 60] 220. One walking abroad in a clear moonshine night, said, it was as fine a night as a man should see in a summer's day.

221. A puritan coming to a cheesemonger's shop to buy cheese, when he gave him a taste, he put his hat before his eyes to say grace. Nay, says he, in­stead of tasting, you intend to make a meal of it.

222. A citizen having new built his house, he was praising the conveniency of it, and how light it was, for, says he, the morning sun lies all day upon it.

223. A gentleman being in a crowd, a thief pick'd his pocket; his man being behind him (and hur was a Welchman) drew out hur knife, and cut the thief's ear off, and cry'd, give hur master hur purse, and hur will give hur hur ear again.

224. One seeing a friend going before him in the street, call'd hollo. A haughty fellow passing by at that time, ask'd what business he had to cry hollo, while he pass'd by. D.-n you, says the other, what business had you to pass by, while I was calling hollo?

225. A little gentleman going to a friend's house, found himself too short to reach the knocker; at last seeing a tall fellow coming by, begged him to do it for him; which (tho' very unwilling) he did, at the same time muttering, Damn it, what are little fellows like you made for? The other replied, to be waited on by tall ones like you.

226. Three citizens walking in the fields, one said, we should have a great year of black-berries; for, said he, the last week I plucked a handful of the fairest red black-berries that ever I saw. A se­cond person laugh'd at him, saying, red black-berries is a bull. But the third person, with much gravity, justify'd what the former had said, and very sagely asked, are not black-berries always red when they are green?

227. A gentleman having a little study, and hav­ing some company in his chamber, who desired to see [Page 61] it; he told them, in faith, gentlemen, if you all go in, it will not hold you.

228. A dog lying under a table, the maid went to kick him out, and he did not stir; "if a body would kill this dog," says she, "I believe he would not stir from this place."

229. A man owing money, his creditor clapt him into prison, of which he made great complaint, say­ing, that he had trouble enough to borrow it, and did not need be troubled to pay it again.

230. A woman burying her fifth husband, a man was counting with his fingers how many she had had, and said, she had made a hand of them all.

231. A man at Christmas drinking March beer, which was very mellow, complained of the newness of it, and said, surely this March beer cannot be above six weeks old.

232. One seeing a very fat man pass by, said, He never saw a larger man of his bigness in his life.

233. At Hamstead assembly, some years since, an Irish gentleman, who danced with great spirit, though not perhaps with all the grace of a Vestris, was observed by a macaroni, in the same country dance, who immediately began mimicking him in the most extravagant manner. The Irishman took no notice for some time, but seeing himself the general object of laughter, he came very deliberately up to the mimic, and asked, Why he presumed to take him off? Me, Sir, says the other, you mistake the mat­ter; it is my natural way of dancing. Is it, said the Hibernian, seemingly accepting the excuse, well, to be sure, nobody can help what is natural; but hark ye, my friend, be sure you continue in that natural step all night; for by G—, if you once attempt to make it artificial, I will break every bone in your skin—The poor macaroni was obliged to subscribe to the sentence, to the no small amusement, as well as satis­faction of the whole company.

234. The emperor of Germany some time since travelling before his retinue, as is his usual way, at­tended [Page 62] only by a single aid de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept a public house some where in the Austrian Netherlands. The man having his house pretty full, it being fair time, and not knowing who his guests were, appoint­ed them to sleep in an out-house, which was very readily complied with, after drinking a bottle of in­different wine, and eating a few slices of ham and biscuit. In the morning, they paid their bill, which amounted to three shillings and six pence English, and rode off. A few hours after, several of his suit came to enquire after him, when the publican understanding whom he had for his guest, seemed very uneasy. Psha! man, never mind this affair, said one of his attendants, Joseph is used to such adventures; he will think no more on it. Aye, that may be, replied the land­lord, but by G—I shall never forget the circumstance of having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and six pence.

235. A new ninety gun ship, the Atlas, that was some time launched at Chatham, had at her head the figure of Atlas supporting the globe. By an error of the builder, the globe was placed so high, that part of it was obliged to be cut away before the boltsprit could be fitted in- This part happened to be no other than all North-America; and what was more remarkable, the person who was ordered to take the hatchet and slice it off, was an American.

236. A gentleman on his travels, called his servant to the side of the post-chaise. Tom, says he, here is a guinea which is too light, and I can get nobody to take it, do you see and part with it some how or other on the road.—Yes, sir, says the footman, I will en­deavour—When they came to their inn at night, the gentleman called to his servant to know if he had passed off the guinea? Yes, sir, says the man, I did slily.—Aye! Tom, says the master, I fancy thou art a sly sort of a fellow; but tell me how? Why, sir, says the footman, the people refused it at break­fast, [Page 63] and so they did where your honour dined; but as I had a groat to pay at the turnpike, I whipped him in between the half pence, and the man put it in his pocket, and never saw it.

237. A gentleman having some company to dinner, one of them cried out, Lord bless me, I have forgot my laced waistcoat! The master of the house told him there was no need of any apology, for he was very well dressed—You mistake me, replied the guest, I do not mean a gold laced waistcoat, but my waist­coat with a lace behind.

238. A person who had rendered himself obnoxi­ous in trade, was told of some of his tricks by a mer­chant on 'Change; and being a little nettled at his reproaches, said, What, sir, do you call me a rogue? No, I do not call you a rogue, said the merchant, but I will give you ten guineas, if you find any one here, who will say you are an honest man.

239. Some gentlemen at a tavern, were conversing on the increasing neglect in writers of that necessary part of composition, punctuation. It was remarked, that the omission began with the long robe, who never use any stops in their writings.—A third person added, that he would not say anything to their using commas, semicolons, or colons; but he had sufficient au­thority to say, there was no period to their works.

240. A sailor one evening was stopped by a foot­pad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued, and the tar took the robber: meeting some people, they persuaded him to bear away with his prize to a justice of the peace, which the tar did; and when the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he said he must take his oath, that he put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit the man: the sailor looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, He, damn him, he put me in bodily fear! No, nor any fel­low that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case, you may let him go—for damn me if I swear to any such lie.

[Page 64] 241. A student sent to one of his comrades to borrow a certain book. I never lend my books out, said the latter, but if the gentleman chuses to come to my chambers, he may make use of it as long as he pleases. A few days after, he that had refused the book, sent to the other to borrow a pair of bellows. I never lend my bellows out, says this other, but if the gentleman chuses to come to my chambers, he may make use of them as long as he pleases.

242. William Penn, once waiting upon king Charles II. kept on his hat. The king, as a gentle rebuke, put off his own. Friend Charles, said Penn, Why dost thou not keep thy hat on?—Friend Penn, re­plied the king, it is the custom of this place for no more than one person ever to be covered at a time.

243. George Buchanan being in Cornwall about some business, where he chanced to run short of money, and not knowing what to do, being acquainted with none in that country, and knowing his landlord to be loyal to the government, and a great favourite to the king his master; takes a piece of brick, brays it to small powder, mixes it with a little chalk, so that it might be like arsenick, then put it in papers, with this direction on one, The stronger poison for the king; and on the other paper. The flower poison for the queen. Out he goes on purpose, leaving the papers lying on a table, where he knew they would see them: The landlord perceived the direction; so in comes George in great haste and calls out, O land­lord, did you see two small bundles I have lost? I know not what I shall do, for it was my main business to take them to London.—O! you murdering rogue! cries the landlord, I'll have you hanged for what you intend. George, at this made off, and was going to fly for it, but the landlord called for assistance; so he was apprehended, and made prisoner of state, and carried to London by a troop of horse; when the people there began to know him, and tell what he was, his guard slipt away shamefully, and left him; so [Page 65] George thanked them for their good company and safe convoy.

244. George one day easing himself at the corner of a hedge, was seen by an English 'squire, who began to mock him, asking him, Why he did not keckle like the hens? But George, whose wit was always ready, told him, he was afraid to keckle, left he should come and snatch up the egg. Which re­buff made the 'squire walk off as mute as a fish.

245. As George was on the road travelling to London, the weather being very rainy and cold, he alighted at an inn to refresh and warm himself, but the fire-side was so surrounded with people, he could scarcely see the fire: George finding this to be the case, calls to the hostler, and orders him to give his horse, at the door, half a peck of oysters: You mean oats, sir, says the hostler: No, no, says George, it is oysters, and base is that horse that will not eat oysters. The people at the fire hearing this, all start­ed up and ran to the door, to see the horse eating oysters: the moment they left their seats, George took an opportunity to plant himself before the fire, with a table and a cloth behind him. In a little time they came back again, one by one, saying, This horse will eat no oysters: Well, well, says George, he is either too full, or too saucy; so you may bring them in, and I will eat them myself.

246. A rich farmer's son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by logic and arith­metic, he could prove these two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two, two and one, you know make three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep to yourself for your great learning.

[Page 66] 247. A gentleman's butler in preparing the cloth for a choice festival, was unlucky enough to break a dozen of china plates, of a rare and beautiful pattern. 'You blockhead,' cries the master, meeting him pre­sently after, with another dozen in his hand, 'How did you do it?' 'Upon my soul, sir, they happened to fall just so,' replied the fellow, and instantly dash­ed them also on the marble hearth, into a thousand pieces.

248. Dean Swift standing one winter's day at the deanery window, saw a very poor and ancient woman sitting on the steps, shivering with cold. His foot­man happened to come to the door: when the poor creature besought him, in a piteous tone, to deliver a petition, which she held in her hand, to his reve­rence. The servant read it, and with infinite scorn, said his master had something else to mind than her petition. What's that you say, fellow? (said the dean, looking out the window) come up here. The man trembling, obeyed him: He also desired the poor woman to come before him, made her sit down, and ordered her some bread and wine; after which he turned to the man and said, ‘At what time, sir, did I order you to open a paper directed to me; or to refuse a letter from any one? Hark ye, sirrah, you have been admonished by me for drunkenness, idling, and other faults; but since I have discovered your inhuman disposition, I must dismiss you from my service.—So pull off my clothes—take your wages, and let me hear no more from you.’—The fellow did so, and having vainly solicited a written discharge, was compelled to go to sea, where he continued five years; at the end of which time, finding that life far different from the ease and luxury of his former occupation, he returned, and humbly confessing, in a petition to the dean, his former transgressions, and assuring him of his entire reformation, which the dan­gers he had undergone at sea had happily wrought, he begged the dean would give him some sort of a discharge.—Accordingly the doctor called for a pen [Page 67] and ink, and gave him the following dismission, with which he set out for London:

249. A gentleman travelling with a large sum about him, just after lord Mohun had been killed in a duel with duke Hamilton, was stopped by a couple of highwaymen. "For heaven's sake, gentlemen, don't stop me!" said the traveller; "I am riding for my life." The highwaymen demanded what he meant? "My name," answered he, "is Maccartney^*, I was concerned in the murder of lord Mohun, and I need not inform you what a price is set on my head." The rogues upon this information, altered their plan, and conveyed the gentleman to the next justice, in hopes of the reward. But, the magistrate being made sensible he was not Maccartney, and the reason why he had called himself so, being explained, the gen­tleman was set at liberty, and his apprehenders were detained in safe custody.

250. A French nobleman had been smartly sa­tirized by Voltaire, and, meeting the poet one night soon after, he gave him a pretty severe caning. The poet immediately flew to the duke of Orleans, told him how he had been used by the nobleman, and begged him to do him justice. "Sir," replied the duke, with a significant smile, "you have had it done you already."

251. A lady, who once paid a visit to mr. Quin, at his house at Kingston, near London, expressed great satisfaction on viewing the garden, and its en­virons; [Page 68] and was remarkably well pleased with a fine piece of water, as she called it, at the bottom of the garden; though in fact it was little more than a ditch. "Pray, mr. Quin," says the lady, "how do you get this canal supplied with water?"—"Ma­dam," replied Quin, "my maids empty their cham­ber-pots in it every morning.'

252. One that was troubled with a damnable shrew, would often wish her in heaven; she in a great rage replied, she had rather see him hang'd first.

253. Some were saying, in such a town, the wo­men were all counted whores. A mad fellow hear­ing them say so, presently swore he believed it; for his mother and both his sisters were born there.

254. King Charles the Second, and the duke of Ormond, discoursing of the prettiest women of several countries, says the king to the duke, my lord you have pretty women in Ireland, but they have got [...] legs. O, that's nothing, please you, my liege, we lay them aside.

255. A man, very rich, but very silly, was re­commended to a gentleman as a good match for his daughter. No no, said he, I would rather have a man without money, than money without a man.

256. As Ben Johnson (who was a bricklayer be­fore he turned poet) was one morning going early to his work, with his tools in his hand, he was spy'd by a young lady, who was up sooner than ordinary, breathing the fresh air out of her chamber window. She was of a gay disposition, and thinking to be merry with our bricklayer, called to him and said—By line and rule, works many a fool: good morrow, mr. Bricklayer. Ben no sooner turn'd his head and saw her, but he answered, In silk and scarlet, walks many a harlot: good morrow, madam.

257. A scoffing blade meeting a gentlewoman with a long nose, says, madam, I would gladly kiss your mouth, if I knew how to come at it for your nose. Nay, sir▪ [...]ys she, if my nose be so big that you can­not [Page 69] come at my mouth, you may kiss me where there is no nose to give you offence.

258. A gentleman coming into a choir, where there was none of the best music in the world, hearing them singing, have mercy upon us miserable sinners: Ay, says he, they might very well have said, have mercy upon us miserable singers.

259. Sir Thomas More, the day he was beheaded, had a barber sent him, because his hair was long, which it was thought, would make him more com­miserated by the people. The barber asked him whether he would be trimmed? In good faith, honest fellow, said sir Thomas, the king and I have a suit for my head; and till the title be cleared, I will bestow no cost upon it.

260. A gentleman being under the hands of a po­litical barber, who, while shaving his head, was enter­taining him with an account of the wars in Italy, and giving him a description of the place, till growing verbose and tedious in his operation, the gentleman said, sir, I hope you're not drawing a map of the country upon my head with your razor.

261. One of a great family, and no wealth, mar­ried a very rich widow; says one, This is like a black pudding; the one brought blood, and the other brought salt and oatmeal.

262. One seeing his friend wear a threadbare cloak, asked him, if it was not sleepy? Why do you ask? said the other: because, said he, I think it has not had a nap these seven years.

263. Some gentlemen riding over a common by a turf cutter, enquired their way; when he had direct­ed them right, they asked what time o'day it was? The man looking up to the sun, told them it was ten. But one of the gentleman taking out his watch, said it was not ten y [...]t. Then, says the fellow, you may ride till it is, and be pox'd to you, if you will: if you knew better than me, why did you ask the question, and be d—d to you?

[Page 70] 264. A young fellow, who fancied himself a good player, resolved to take to the stage, and having of­fered his service to the proprietor of Covent Garden house, was desired to speak some lines of tragedy, by way of probation, before the great mr. Quin: while he was tearing away his tragedy speech, a dog who belonged to some of the company, set up a howling, which drowned the voice of the actor; hereupon mr. Quin asked, whose dog it was? and being answered, He's a dog of judgment, by Jove, says he; and then turned away on his heel.

265. A gallant setting himself out before his mis­tress, upon a day, asked her, whom she thought the prettiest man in the world? Nay, says she, that's a puzzling question; but however, I think that man, that is most unlike you, may be, for aught I know.

266. A merry fellow told an old bachelor of a strange dream he had of him the night before, for, says he, I thought you were dead; and I thought I saw you behind hell-door leading of a great ape, and that Lucifer coming in, and seeing you, asked, what that old fellow did there? to whom the devil that at­tended you, told him, you were an old bachelor, and had never lost your maidenhead; to whom Bel­zebub said, turn him out again, thou dost him wrong; dost thou not see his son in his hand there, that is so like, that any one may know who was the father of him?

267. One said, he had rid so hard that his horse had never a dry thread about him.

268. An ignorant lawyer, pleading in an action of battery, told the judge, in aggravation of the defen­dant's crime; that he had beat the plaintiff with a certain wooden instrument, called an iron pestle.

269. A dignified clergyman, going down to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a co­mical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat: So, John, says the doctor, from whence came you? From your house, sir, says mr. Soot; for this morning I swept all your chimneys. How many [Page 71] were there? says the doctor. No less than twenty, quoth John. Well, and how much a chimney have you? Only a shilling a piece, sir. Why then, quoth the doctor, you have earned a great deal of money in a little time. Yes, yes, sir, says John, throwing his bag of soot over his shoulder, We black coats get our money easy enough.

270. Judge Jefferies, taking a dislike to an evi­dence who had a long beard, told him, that if his conscience was as large as his beard, he had a swing­ing one. To which the countryman replied, my lord, if you measure consciences by beards, you have none at all.

271. A fellow wanting a pair of boots, goes into a shoemaker's shop, and asked for a pair of boots, which were brought him. They fitted him, he walk­ed up and down the shop, to settle them to his feet; but spying an opportunity, he ran out of the shop, and the shoemaker followed him, crying, stop thief! The fellow said, no gentlemen, 'tis for a wager; I am to run in boots and he in his shoes and stockings. Then said the mob, well run boots, for shoes will never overtake thee.

272. Philip II. walking alone one day in one of the cloisters belonging to the convent of the Escurial, a tradesman seeing the door open, went in. Transport­ed with admiration of the fine paintings with which the house is adorned, he addressed himself to the king, whom he took for one of the servants of the convent, and desired him to shew the paintings, and describe the subjects of them. Philip with all the humility and condescension of a lay-brother, con­ducted him through all the apartments, and gave him every satisfaction he could desire. At parting the stranger took him by the hand, and squeezing it very affectionately, said, 'I am much obliged to you friend, I live at St. Martin's, and my name is Mi­chael Bambis, if you should come my way and call on me, you will find a glass of good wine at your ser­vice;' 'And my name (said the pretended servant) [Page 72] is Philip the Second, and if you will call on me at Madrid, I will give you a glass of as good.'

273. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said the lord Oxford had got a great number of peers made at once to serve a particular turn, being met the next day by my lord Wharton; 'So, Robin (said he) I find what you lost by tricks, you gained by honours.'

274. A country gentleman riding down Cornhill in London, his horse stumbled, and threw him at a shop door, the mistress whereof being a pleasant wo­man, and seeing there was no hurt done, asked him, Whether his horse used to serve him so? Yes, said he, whenever he comes to the door of a cuckold: Lord, sir, said she, I would advise you to go back again, for you will have a hundred falls else before you get to Cheapside.

275. A lady seeing a tolerable pretty fellow, who by the help of a taylor and sempstress had transform­ed himself into a beau, said, What pity it is to see one whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass: Rather, says another, one should pity those whom nature abuses, than those who abuse nature; besides the town would be robbed of one half of its diversion, if it should be a crime to laugh at a fool.

276. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an abbot as wicked as himself, for the companion of his pleasures: One of his coun­trymen told him, that though the abbot and he dif­fered about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

277. A gentleman being arrested for a large sum of money, sent to an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to beg he would bail him; the other told him he had promised never to be bail for any body; but with much kindness said, I will tell you what you may do, you may get somebody else if you can.

[Page 73] 278. One being at his wife's funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Do not go so fast, what need we make a toil of a pleasure?

279. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where in a few months, he had saved, besides his expences, about twelve shillings, and with this prodigious sum of mo­ney, returning into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two of hur country­men was to give hur such another snake as hur has done, it wo [...]ld be poor Pristow indeed.

280. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, being at one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as is usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst in­to bitter invectives against the last: upon which his lordship gave over to enquire the reason, adding that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his ex­cellency, but he makes such a horrible noise, that I cannot have the pleasure to hear your lordship.

281. One observing a crocked fellow in close ar­gument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderate resolution, said to his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he is bent upon it.

282. A gentleman going into a meeting house, and stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who the devil would have ex­pected set forms in a meeting-house?

283. Madam Simon a rich young widow of Mont­pelier in France, entertained so strong an affection for her old spouse deceased, that she caused his image to be cut out as large as the life in wood, which she placed every night by her side in b [...]d. The singular conjugal affection of the young lady for old Simon, and the tears and caresses which she lavished on the wooden image of her husband, were for a long time the topic of conversation at Montpelier. A hand­some [Page 74] young man of the neighbourhood, who had long solicited in vain the good graces of the widow, had recourse to the friendly offices of her fille de cham­bre, on whom he prevailed, by dint of presents, to substitute him one night instead of the block. On the morning succeeding the happy night, the Abigail came into her mistress's chamber to enquire what she would have for dinner. A shoulder of mutton, replied the lady, and a couple of capons, with oyster sauce. Lord, ma'am, returned the fille de chambre, there's not enough of wood in the house to get ready so many things.—Pray, leave me in peace, replied the widow, and if you have not enough of wood, there's old Si­mon in the antechamber.

284. Two countrymen who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it went to a theatre, where they placed themselves snug in the corner of the gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the other, come, Hodge, let us be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business.

285. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a great way to visit this cham­pion: and being told that he was on his ground be­hind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging his horse upon the pails, he ac­costed him thus: that having heard much of his same, he was come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him on such an advanta­geous lock, that he pitched him clear over the pails; and with a great deal of unconcern, took up his spade [Page 75] and fell to work again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimble as he could, called to speak to him. Well, says the champion, have you any more to say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to de­sire you would be so kind as to throw my horse after me.

286. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

287. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears, farewel, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him: and he carried so much of mine, said another: One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other mens.

288. When the lord Jefferies, before he was a judge, was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jefferies, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, hark you, you fellow, in the leather doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly re­plied, faith, sir, if you had no more for lying, than I have for swearing, you might e'en wear a leather doublet too.

289. A gentleman coming to an inn, and seeing the ostler an expert and tractable fellow about the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and what coun­tryman he was. I'se Yorkshire, said the fellow, an ha [...] lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that in so long time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister's York too.

290. A young lady who had been married but a short time, seeing her hushand going to rise pretty early in the morning, said, what, my dear, are you getting up already? Pray lie a little longer and rest [Page 76] yourself. No, my dear, replied the husband, I'll get up and rest myself.

291. One told another, who was not used to be clothed very often, that his new coat was too short for him; that's true, answered his friend; but it will be long enough before I get another.

292. A man having lost fifty guineas one night at a gaming table, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck; Faith, said he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them, by G—, there is not one guinea that don't want six pence of weight.

293. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air; Well, honest fellow, said he, 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the countryman replied, 'tis very likely you may, for I am sowing hemp.

294. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the learned John Scot, asked him, what difference there was between Scot and sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other.

295. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high, and there were to be no balconies backwards: A man of humour, just after this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked gentlewoman on the other side of the way, he runs over to her in great haste: Lord, madam, said he, how dare you walk thus publicly in the streets? Walk publicly in the streets! and why not, pray sir? answered the little woman. Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parlia­ment; you are but two stories high, and your balcony hangs over your house of office.

296. A man standing one day at his gate, a beg­gar coming up to him, cried, he begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, says he, what times are these, when beggars must be chusers? I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

[Page 77] 297. A young Italian gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious, he was one day set upon by a protestant minister, who would needs en­gage him in a controversy about religion. The young gentleman knowing himself too weak for the encounter, begged to be excused, and endeavour­ed to wave the discourse; but the more he avoided it, the more warmly he was pressed by the minister; whereupon the young Italian, in a very great pas­sion, conjured him by all that was good, to let him alone in peace with his religion. For, said he, I cannot embrace your's, and if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other.

298. A person coming into a church to the place where several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their commendation, and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am resolved if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

299. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her naked skin, pulled her smock sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his coat and laid it upon her smock sleeve; at which a lady that stood by wondered; O madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woolen physician.

300. One of king James the first's chaplains preaching before the court at Whitehall, made a set of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the depravity of the age, he said, that almost all houses were made ale houses; that men made matri­mony, a matter of money; and placed their paradise in a pair of dice; was it so in the days of Noah? ah no!

301. King Charles the second coming from New-market through Shoreditch to London observing a wall or bank lately made there of [...]; as is com­mon [Page 78] in that road, bid Rochester, who was in the coach with him, tak [...] notice of it; Ay, sir, said he, the citizens seemed have been laying their heads together, to mend the [...] against your majesty came by.

302. A certain person having by his extravagance run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concern'd about it, one of his friends told him one day, that he wondered how he could sleep quietly in his bed whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said he, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

303. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laugh­ed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any one in Christendom.

304. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the mortgager and mor­gagee: Yes, said he, it is the same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit there, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am the nodder, and you the noddee.

305. A sober good woman, who was treating with a maid-servant about work and wages, asked her among other questions, what religion she was of? A-lack-a day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head about that; for religion I thought was only for gentlefolks.

306. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, and left himself no fur­niture in the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken chairs, and some other old things, seeing [Page 79] a parcel of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the night, he cried out. Are not you a damn'd pack o [...] fools, to think to find any thing in the dark, [...] I can find nothing by day light.

307. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress, as he thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it? The lady, a little surprized at the question, called him an impu­dent fellow. Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge. I am a poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an account of the newest fashion, which occa­sioned my enquiring what you call this that you wear: It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have heard, replied the countryman, heartily nettled at her be­haviour, of a pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

308. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? the same, said the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on murmuring, a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his master's message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why are you going away then? said the shep­herd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, that his living can­not maintain three of us.

309. A schoolmaster, asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said he, cannot you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy. I have it at my fingers' ends.

[Page 80] 310. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a friend. The scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and to judge rightly of the play, a man must transport himself into the country and get acquainted with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the friend, and I think it would be best to have it acted there.

311. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they have had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward, ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it? the husband produ­ced a bag, and told him in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it: So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hangs the flitch up again.

312. A scholar of dr. Busby's coming into a parlour where the doctor had laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, takes it up, and says a­loud, 'I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one knows any just cause or im­pediment why these two should not be joined toge­ther, let him declare it.'

The doctor being in the next room, overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he order­ed the boy who had eaten the grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, horsed on another boy's back, but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done; 'I publish the banns between my rod and this boy's breech; if any one knows any just cause or impedi­ment why these two should not be joined together, let him declare it?' I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which answer so [Page 81] pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.

313. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solo­mon, eating some cheese full of mites, one night at a tavern; Now, said he, have I done as much as Samp­son, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thou­sands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the jaw-bone of an ass.

314. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them, and going one day through the street, his coat sleeve, as he was swinging it along in a hurry, happened to hitch up­on the iron spike of one of the rails at a gentleman's door, whereupon he immediately turned about in a great surprize, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at whose suit!

315. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work, and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should not have left off his work for so trifling an affair, and de­sired for the future he would stay till it rained down­right. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come before? Why I should, says the boy, but you zed I shou'dn't come hoam vore it rain'd downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long.

316. A young fellow was extolling a lady's beau­ty very highly, and one of his companions allowed she had beauty, except that she had a bad set of teeth. Very true, said the first, but she is a fine woman in spite of her teeth.

317. A miser having lost a hundred pounds, pro­mised ten pounds reward to any one who should bring it to him—An honest poor man, who found it, brought it to the old gentleman, demanding the ten [Page 82] pounds. But the miser, to baffle him, alleged there were an hundred and ten pounds in the bag when lost. The poor man, however, was advised to sue for the money, and when the cause came on to be tried, it appearing that the seal had not been broken, nor the bag ripped, the judge said to the de­fendant's counsel. The bag you lost had a hundred and ten pounds in it, you say? Yes, my lord, says he. Then, replied the judge, according to the evi­dence given in court, this cannot be your money, for here were only a hundred pounds; therefore the plaintiff must keep it till the true owner appears.

318. An old parson was called out of bed on a cold winter's morning by the clerk, to marry a couple, who were then waiting for him. The doctor hur­ried up, and went shivering to church; but seeing only an old man of seventy, with a woman about the same age, and the clerk, he asked the latter, in a pet, where the bridegroom and bride were, and what that man and woman wanted.—The old man repli­ed, that they came there to be married; the doctor looked sternly at him, and exclaimed, married! Yes, married! said the old man hastily, better marry than do worse—Go, get you home, you silly old fools! said the doctor, get home and do your worst. And then hobbled out of the church, in a great passion with his clerk for calling him out of his bed on such a ri­diculous errand.

319. On a trial for shooting a seaman, a counsel asked one of the witnesses which he was for, plaintiff or defend­ant? Plaintiff or defendant! says the sailor, scratching his head, why I don't know what you mean by plaintiff or defendant. I come to speak for that man there, point­ing at the prisoner.—You are a pretty fellow for a witness, says the counsel, not to know what plaintiff or defendant means!—Some time after, being asked by the same counsel, what part of the ship he was in at the time, Abaft the binocle, said the sailor. Ab­aft the binocle! replied the barrister, What part of [Page 83] the ship is that? Ha! ha! ha! chuckled the sailor, are not you a pretty fellow for a counsellor, pointing archly at him with his finger, not to know what place abaft the binocle is!

320. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend's house, the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put on his plate, he found it stink so much that he could not touch it; and then took up the plate and put it to his ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was seated, enquiring into the meaning of this extraordinary behaviour, he told him that he had lost a brother at sea about a fortnight ago, and was asking that fish if he knew any thing of him? Well, said the gen­tleman pleasantly, and what answer did he make you?—Why, replied the other, very gravely, he told me that he could not possibly give me any ac­count of my deceased brother, as he had not been at sea these three weeks.

321. A gentleman, whose father had been rob­bed of a considerable quantity of plate, dined with the son of a wealthy man supposed to have been a receiver. A large silver tureen was brought to the table without a cover. I am admiring your tureen, said the guest to the host, not so much for its fashion or value, but from a very extraordinary circum­stance, which is, that a cover I have got at home would exactly fit it.

322. An honest peasant settled in a small village, where, in a short time, he gained the good will of all his neighbours. He had, however, the misfortune to lose one of his best milch cows in the first year, which grieved him exceedingly; while his wife, who was an excellent manager, took it to heart so much, that she absolutely fell sick and died. The good man lamented the loss of his helpmate with the most unaffected sorrow, and remained for some months quite inconsolable. His neighbours now thought it their duty to reason him into resignation. [Page 84] My friend, said one of them, the wife you have lost, was really an excellent woman, but still you have a good remedy; you are a young and an honest man, and you will find no difficulty in procuring another. For my part, continued he, I have three daughters, and shall be happy to call you son-in-law. Another, on this, offered him his sister; and a third, his niece. Good God, says the mourner, what a strange place this is, since a man who lives here, had better lose his wife than his cow! My wife is dead, and behold! you tell me, I may pick and choose, to supply her place: but when my poor cow died, nobody ever thought of offering me another.

323. A gentleman was one day at a public enter­tainment, where one of the company sat several hours without speaking a syllable; and as from the character of the person, there was great reason to suspect that his silence was owing to a supercilious contempt of the company, he determined to shew his resentment the first opportunity that offered.—Accordingly, when supper was brought in, he was remarkably assiduous in helping the silent man to the best on the table, and taking care to supply his plate when he saw it nearly empty: upon this one of the company desired to know his reason for this ex­traordinary attention to the silent person? To which he replied, I assure you, it is from the tender­ness of my disposition, for I cannot bear to see a dumb creature want. This smart stroke had the desired effect.

324. When his British majesty paid a visit to ad­miral Parker's fleet at the Nore, it was impossible that every sailor on board could have an opportunity of beholding his sovereign. In consequence of this disappointment, the officers granted liberty to as many as possibly could be spared ashore, to go and see the royal visitors at Sheerness and Chatham.—When the king entered the lines at Chatham, the crowd was extremely great, and pressing very hard to see him; a sailor's curiosity led him so far as to push, [Page 85] just as his majesty and the prince were passing in front of a serjeant of the 65th regiment, who was obliged to knock the butt end of his musket on Jack's toes, to keep him back, which made him grumble very much; the king overhearing the dis­pute, turn'd round to the serjeant, and desired him to hurt no person; if he could do his duty by gentle means, do it, if not, let the people satisfy their curiosity. The enraged seaman on hearing this, exclaimed, God bless your majesty! I have leave from my officers; and d—n my eyes if e'er a lobster in England shall hinder me from seeing your royal kingship! This had such an effect on the king and the prince, that they were observed to laugh very heartily.

325. A gentleman telling the husband of a lady remarkably beautiful, that he could never look at his wife without breaking the tenth commandment; You are welcome, replied the other, to break the tenth commandment as much as you please, provided you do not break the seventh.

326. A judge, suspected of bribery, checked his clerk, for having a dirty face. I plead guilty, my lord, said the clerk, but my hands are clean.

327. A little gentleman of the long robe having a dispute with a remarkable bulky barrister, the big man threatened to put him into his pocket: If you do so, said Dapper, you will have more law in your pocket, than ever you had in your head.

328. Quick, the comedian, was travelling in a stage in which there was only an old gentleman and himself, which was stopped on an unfrequented road, by a single highwayman. The old gen­tleman, in order to save his own money, pre­tended to be asleep; but Quick resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Quick to deli­ver his money instantly, or he was a dead man—Money! returned he with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant—O Lud, sir, they [Page 86] never trusts me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, twinpikes and all, your honour!—Upon which the highwayman gave him a few hearty curses for his stupidity,—complimented the old gen­tleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he had in his pocket; while Quick, who did not lose a single far­thing, with great satisfaction and merriment pur­sued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow traveller.

329. A dwarfish man espoused such a gigantic woman, that he was obliged to climb upon a table if he wanted to kiss her. This woman, when her husband was vexed, or out of humour, would look down as if from a two pair of stairs window, and ask, who it was that kept grumbling there below?

330. A tattling fellow came and told a person of whom he had very little knowledge, a secret of the utmost consequence to himself, begging for God's sake that the other would not tell it again. Never sear, said the person, I shall be at least as discreet as yourself.

331. An astrologer advised a prince to settle his affairs, because within three days he was to die a vio­lent death; the prince asked him, whether he had foreseen what kind of death he himself should die? And he assuring him that he was to die of a vi­olent fever, the prince told him, that, to let him see the vanity of his art, he should be hanged that very hour. The astrologer being immediately seized in order to be led to the place of execution, he said to the prince: Pray see, my lord, whether my pre­diction be not true; feel my pulse, and you'll be sensible that I am in a fever: which subtle answer saved his life.

332. An impertinent poet, having begun to read to a certain person a poem of his own making, ask­ed him, which of his verses were the best? those, an­swered he, thou hast not yet read, for they have not made my head ache.

[Page 87] 333. A prince jeer'd one of his courtiers, who had served him in several embassies, and told him, he looked like an ass: I know not what I look like, answered the courtier, but this I know, that I have had the honour to represent your highness upon seve­ral occasions.

334. Certain young ladies, walking in the fields, met a shepherd in their way, who was carrying a kid to the market; one among them coming up to it, stroked it, and said to her companions, look how pretty it is, it's horns are not yet budded. The shep­herd upon hearing that, replied, 'Tis because he is not yet married.

335. The duke of Ossuna, viceroy of Naples, passing by Barcelona, and having a right to release some slaves, he went on board the admiral galley, and passing through the crew of slaves, he asked several of them what their crimes were. Every one excused himself upon different pretences; one say­ing that he had been sent thither by the malice of his enemies; another by the corruption of his judge; but all of them unjustly. Among the rest, there was a little sturdy black fellow, and the duke asking him what he had been sent thither for: my lord, said he, I cannot deny but I am justly sent hither, for finding I wanted money, I carried off a purse not far from Tarragona, in order to keep me from starving. The duke, with a little staff he had in his hand, gave him two or three taps on the shoulder, saying, You rogue, what do you here, among so many honest innocent men? Get out of their company. Accord­ingly he was set free, and the rest were left to tug at the oar.

336. An excise man walking by a river's side, spied a boy fishing, who knew him to be of [...] honourable profession. My pretty lad, says [...] are you fishing for? I fish for the devil, [...] boy, but I want the right bait to catch [...] bait is that? says the other. Indeed [...] [Page 88] boy, I have been told, there is no better bait in the world than an exciseman.

337. A gentleman intending to ride into the country next morning, commanded his servant to wake him at six o'clock; the servant rose at five, and went to his master and waked him, telling him that he must make haste, for he had but an hour more to sleep. Another time his master bid him wake him at four o'clock; the boy, for fear of missing the hour, did not go to bed all that night; and hearing two o'clock strike, he went to his ma­ster and waked him, who presently asked him what o'clock it was; the servant answered, don't trouble yourself, sleep on securely. I am only come to tell you, that you have still two full hours to sleep.

338. A little boy asking his father to help him to something at table, his father told him 'twas not civil to ask, but that he must wait till somebody served him. The poor boy observing that every one was eating, and that nothing was given him, said to the father, Pray father, give me a little salt. What wilt thou do with it? says the father. 'Tis, says the son, to eat with the meat you'll give me. Upon which his father, perceiving he had nothing upon his plate, gave him meat without his asking for it.

339. A certain scholar attempting to swim, he had like to have been drowned; and thereupon swore he would never go into the water again, 'till he had learn'd to swim.

340. A scholar had a great mind to catch a mouse that was wont to gnaw his books, and there­fore sat eating a little victuals in the dark in the closet to watch her.

341. A scholar having newly bought a house, [...] out at a window upon those that pass'd by, [...] whether his house became him or not?

342. [...] scholar, who had heard that a crow may [...] two hundred years, to experiment the [...] [...]ought a crow and kept it.

[Page 89] 343. A braggadocio swore that he met with two great enemies at one time, and he tost one so high in the air, that if he had had a baker's basket full of bread, he would have starved in the fall; and the other he struck so deep into the earth, that he left no­thing to be seen but his hand and one arm, to pull his hat off to thank him.

344. A good judge of painting, was shewn a pic­ture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much com­mended, and asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord's commandments. What do you mean by that? said one who stood by. Why, I think, an­swered he, that he hath not made to himself the like­ness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters under the earth.

345. A philosopher being blamed by a stander by, for defending an argument weakly against the empe­ror Adrian, replied, What, would you have me con­tend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

346. A gentleman standing at the window of his house with his wise, whom he had married a few days before, and seeing a beautiful young woman pass along, he said to his wife, My dear soul, I will make you laugh; you must know that I had to do several times with that girl before she married, but she was so silly as to go and tell her mother of it. His wife replied, Oh! the silly brainless wretch, I in like man­ner have had do to an hundred times with our coach­man and footman, and never said a word of it to my mother.

347. Lord Chatham making one of a party at whist, one of the gamesters, with a bitter oath declared, he had the worst hand in the company; a considerable bet was proposed and agreed to by his lordship, that he had a worse. He pulled off his glove, and shew­ed his gouty hand, when the company unanimously pronounced in his lordship's favour.

[Page 90] 348. Two gentlemen having words at a tavern, at length fell to sighting with their canes. A stander-by observing one of them striking his antagonist over the head, while the other only belaboured his sides and shoulders; after the affray was over, asked the latter why he did not strike upon the head also; Oh, sir, said he, if I had hit him over the head, I should have broke my cane.

349. Sirrah, says a justice to one brought before him, You are an arrant knave. Says the prisoner, Just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.

350. It is a custom with some of the surgeons who beg the bodies of condemned malefactors, to go to the jail, and bargain for the carcase with the crimi­nal himself. An honest fellow did so lately in London, and was admitted to the condemned men on the morn­ing whereon they were to die. The surgeon commu­nicated his business, and fell into discourse with a lit­tle fellow, who refused twelve shillings, and insisted upon fifteen for his body. A fellow, who had killed the officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and like a man who was willing to deal, told him, Look you, mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who had been half starved all his life, and is now half dead with fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have ever lived highly and freely, my veins are full, I have not pined in imprisonment; you see my crest swells to your knife, and after Jack Catch has done, upon my ho­nour, you will find me as found as ever a bullock in any of the markets. Come, for twenty shillings I am your man.—Says the surgeon, Done, there is a guinea.—The rogue took the money, and as soon as he had it in his fist, cries,—a bite, a bite, I am to be hanged in chains.

351. The dutchess of Kingston was always re­markable for having a very high sense of her own dig­nity: Being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals, that was unloading in a very narrow street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, to stop [Page 91] a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality, replied the man; Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don't you see my arms upon my carriage. Yes, I do indeed, and a pair of damn'd coarse arms they are.

352. An Englishman and Dutchman disputing about the goodness of their different countries; says the Dutchman your country thinks of nothing but guttling, and even the names of your places have a reference to it, you have your Portsmouths, your Plymouths, your Yarmouths, your Falmouths, your Dartmouths, your Exmouths; and you are all mouths together. Ay, replies the Englishman, and you have your Amster-dams and your Rotter-dams—and G—d—n you all together, say I.

353. A scrivener's man reading a bill of sale to his master, said, I do demise, grant, and to farm let, all my lands, &c.—but on a sudden a cough took him; at which, quoth his master, read on, with a pox to you, your heirs, and their heirs for ever.

354. A scholar blowing the fire, the nose of the bellows dropt off; says he, I see its cold weather, for the nose of the bellows drops.

355. A sea captain had got a circle round him, whom he was entertaining with some wonderful phe­nomenon which he had seen at sea; when, looking round, and perceiving a gentleman laugh, he grew angry, and said, he did not believe him. Why, said the gentleman, did you see it? Yes, I did, answered the captain. Well, if you saw it, said the gentleman, I will believe it; but I would not believe it if I had seen it myself.

356. A person describing a snuff box he had seen, which was an Egyptian pebble set in pinchbeck, said it was a gypsey's nipple set in pinch-gut.

357. A scholar once dream'd that he had trod upon a nail, and conceiting his foot to be hurt with it, he swath'd it about. One of his companions, as wise as himself, understanding his case, Ay, says he, no won­der, this comes of going to bed without one's shoes on.

[Page 92] 358. A queer Jack declared, that, for his part, he thought it no sin to tell a lie to get a penny in an honest way.

359. Two gentlemen being in a boat guided by a pair of oars, one of them was affronted by the waterman: Sirrah! says he, hold your prating, or I'll knock your head and the wall together.

360. A gentleman being on horseback, his ser­vant who was on foot, in stroking the horse's but­tocks, received a kick: he then aimed a stone at the horse, and hit his master on the back, which made him turn about and ask his man what was the matter? Your horse, sir, says he, holding one of his legs, has lamed me. Ay, said his master, he is very unruly, for he has kicked me on the back, and 'tis well he missed my head.

361. A lord mayor waiting upon king Charles the second, who happened to be at that time in the park, feeding the ducks, with his hat in his hand; the recorder desired he might not speak, till his maje­sty was covered. Poo, poo, says the king, you may go on very safely, 'tis to the ducks I full my [...]at off.

362. A gentleman, going to take water at White­hall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, Who can swim? I, master, said forty bawling mouths, when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, sir, I cannot swim. Then you are my man, said the gentleman, for you will at hast take care of me for your own sake.

363. A scholar declaiming in a college-hall, hav­ing a bad memory, was at a stand, and, in a low voice, desired one who stood close by him, to help him out: No, says the other, you are out enough al­ready.

364. A young student, shewing the Museum at Oxon, to a set of gentlemen and ladies, among other things produced a rusty sword. This, says he, gen­tlemen, is the sword with which Balaam was going to [Page 93] kill his ass. Upon which one of the company replied, that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. You are right, says the student, and this is the very sword he wished for.

365. A very fat gentleman riding through a town, some of the ruder sort of the inhabitants fell a jeering him, and told him he carried his portman­teau before, when it should be behind. Oh, says the gentleman, I always carry it before me, but especially when I ride through a town where there are none but whores, rogues, and pickpockets.

366. The standers by, to comfort a poor man who lay on his death bed, told him, he should be carried to church by four lusty proper fellows. I thank you, said he, but I had much rather go my­self.

367. Some gentlemen seeing a fellow stand still when it rained very fast, they asked him why he stood still in the rain. Why, said he, you do not think me such a fool as to ride in the rain as you do.

368. A countryman walking soberly along the flagged passage on a wet day, happened to lay his flat pretty solidly on a loose flag, which miserably bespattered a spruce young fellow, who was just then passing by him, and put him into a violent passion; the poor man endeavoured to apologize for the acci­dent, and assured the smart that it was not he, but the loose flag, that had done the mischief; to which the gentleman replied, But, damn ye! it was at your instigation.