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FRONTISPIECE
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THE AMERICAN JEST BOOK: CONTAINING A CURIOUS VARIETY OF JESTS, ANECDOTES, BON MOTS, STORIES, &c.

PART I.

PHILADELPHIA: PRINTED FOR M. CAREY, AND W. SPOTSWOOD.

M,DCC,LXXXIX.

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THE AMERICAN JEST BOOK.

A BLACKSMITH in a country town, while shoeing a horse, was gazed at by a num­ber of negroes as they were passing by; being a little piqued at being the object of the blacks' at­tention, and attempting to cast a slur upon them, he said, "I believe hell's broke loose."—"Yes, massa," says one, "I see de devil got hold de horse's foot."

2. A tradesman, whose love of money made him prescribe, as beneficial to his servants' health, and his own profit, the practice of early rising, one morning gave a poor black man a severe scolding for suffering the sun to shine on him while in bed—concluding his lectures with a severe threat, if he should ever after find him not up at sun rise. "At sunrise, massa?" asked the honest African, in the native sim­plicity of his soul—it was worth a casket of dia­monds to him—"At sun-rise, massa? But suppose, massa, the sun rise before day-light—what shall I do den, sir?" The master made no reply, and Sambo was dismissed.

3. A very pious gentleman, but rather worldly, who lives not many miles from Boston, made it his constant practice to call up his family before day, in order that they might attend prayers, and be ready for their labour in good season: one morning having mustered his family rather earlier than com­mon, he commenced family duties by prayer, during which, he returned thanks to the Lord, that they [Page 4] were brought to see the light of another day: an old negro standing by, cried out, "Top, top, vate a bit, no day yet, massa, sartin, no day yet."

4. Soon after the peace, a merchant in Wilming­ton. North Carolina, wrote to one of the principal shippers in London, an order to send out thirty thousand black tacks; the writing being indifferent, the gentleman thought it meant black jacks; and al­though the order appeared a little romantic, he used his utmost endeavours to comply with it. After collecting in London, Birmingham and Sheffield, he could only glean up ten thousand, which he dis­patched with an apology that he could not then complete the order, but was in hopes in a short time he should be able to send the remainder.

5. When the French sleet, during the late war, entered the British channel, the English fleet under sir Charles Hardy, stood away, as if bearing for port; a jack tar, on board the Royal George, see­ing this proceeding, went below, and bringing up his hammock, went to the head of the ship, which had the figure of George II. for its ornament—"Let me, old boy," said he, "muffle you, for damn me but it would hurt you too much to see us running away."

6. Mr. Mackenzie, who has sometimes been cal­led the Scots Addison, is by profession an attorney. He was lately in company with sir William Howe, in the Highlands of Scotland. After dinner, the conversation happened to turn upon poison; the va­rious effects of different species were mentioned, and among others, those of ratsbane and laurel water. "We say in England," said the general to mr. Mackenzie, "that ratsbane will not kill a lawyer."—"And we say in Scotland," replied the wit, "that some generals are in no danger from laurel."

7. A certain young gentleman, well known a­mong the choice spirits of Charleston, South Carolina, for singing a good song, being lately recovered from an indisposition, which made him look rather down [Page 5] in the mouth, was accosted by an old acquaintance, with, "how are you, my buck? don't you feel very ugly at present?" "very ugly, indeed," replied the valetudinarian—"that's not to be wondered at nei­ther," replies the other, "for ever since I first saw you, I always look'd upon you to be a d—d ugly fellow."

8. Some years since, one Tom Hide, an Indian, famous for his cunning, went into a tavern at Brook­field, in Massachusetts, and after a little talk, told the landlord, he had been hunting, had killed a fine fat deer, and that if he would give him a quart of rum, he would tell him where it was.—The land­lord did not wish to let slip so good an opportunity to obtain the venison, and immediately measured the Indian his rum—"Well," says Tom, "do you know where the great meadow is?" "Yes"—"Well, do you know, where the great marked maple­tree that stands in it, is?"—"Yes"—"Well there lies the deer." A way posted the taverner with his team, in quest of his purchase: he found the meadow and the tree, it is true; but his searchings after the deer were in vain; and he returned no heavier, but in chagrin, than he went. Some days after, he met the Indian, and violently accused him of the deception. Tom heard him out, and with the coolness of a phi­losopher replied, "did you not find the meadow, as I said?"—"Yes," "and the tree?"—"Yes"—"and the deer?"—"No."—"Very good," con­tinues he—"you found two truths to one lie, which was very well for an Indian."

9. A certain trading justice in Boston, notorious for his professional ingenuity, some time since employ­ed a poor man to saw a load of wood, for which he agreed to give him eighteen-pence. The man, in order to be more expeditious in the business, stripped off his coat and laid it in the street.—After finishing the job, he found, to his surprise, that the coat had [Page 6] vanished, and asking the justice, who had been at the door, nearly the whole time, if he had seen any thing of it—the worthy magistrate replied, "he had found a coat in the street," and producing it de­sired to know, "if he could swear to the property;" on the poor man's answering in the affirmative, he proceeded to administer the oath: after which, on restoring the coat, he shrewdly observed to the poor fellow, that they were now clear of each other, the price of the work being eighteen pence, and his fees amounting to the same.

10. A few years since, some boys, equipped in mock military accoutrements, such as paper-caps, paper-belts, wooden swords, &c. were beating up for recruits in Parliament-street, Boston; their ser­jeant made a stand at a corner, and a number of peo­ple soon collected about him, among whom were some officers of the British army, of the delicate cast, then quartered in Boston: young Kite delivered his speech at the drum-head; after which many boys, candidates for military fame, presented them­selves to be enlisted, were approved, and after hav­ing received dumps, in lieu of entrance-money, join­ed the party: among the rest, a wretched little boy, bow-legged and otherwise deformed, offered himself as a volunteer to this corps of real infantry: on his approach, serjeant Kite, with a profound import­ance, cocked his hat, and after viewing him cap-a­pee, with an air of supreme importance, "sirrah," says he, "what do you mean? how durst you insult his majesty's service you a soldier! why you are a disgrace to human nature; march off directly, or I shall chastise your presumption." On this the poor rejected lad was retiring apace, when an arch boy, eyeing the spectators in scarlet with a look shrewdly expressive, at the same time pulling the serjeant by the sleeve, "sir," says he, "call him back, call him back, he'll [...] for an officer."

11. During the late war, an English frigate hav­ing come up the Patowmac, a party was landed, [Page 7] who set fire to and destroyed some gentlemen's houses on the Maryland side in sight of mount Ver­non, general Washington's house; after which the captain, (I think captain Greaves of the Actaeon) sent a boat on shore to the general's, demanding a large supply of provisions, &c. with a menace of burning it, likewise, in case of a refusal. To which mr. Lund Washington replied, "That when gene­ral Washington engaged in the contest, he had put all to the stake, and was well aware of the expo­sed situation of his house and property; in conse­quence of which, he had given him orders by no means to comply with any such demands, for that he would make no unworthy compromise with the enemy, and was ready to meet the fate of his neigh­bours" The captain was highly incensed on receiv­ing this answer, and removed his frigate to the Vir­ginia shore; but before he commenced his operati­ons, he sent another message to the same purport, offering likewise a passport to mr. Washington to come on board: he went accordingly in the boat, carrying with him a small present of poultry, of which he begged the captain's acceptance. His presence produced the best effect—he was hospita­bly received, notwithstanding he repeated the same sentiments with the same firmness. The captain ex­pressed his personal respect for the character of the general, commending the character of mr. Lund Washington, and assured him, nothing but his hav­ing misconceived the terms of the first answer, could have induced him for a moment to conceive the idea of taking the smallest measure offensive to so illustrious a character as the general, explaining at the same time the real or supposed provocations which had com­pelled his severity, on the other side of the river. Mr. Washington, after spending some time in per­fect harmony on board, returned, and instantly dis­patched sheep, hogs, and an abundant supply of other articles, as a present to the English frigate.

[Page 8] 12. The constitution of Pennsylvania makes a year's residence in the state, and payment of taxes, the sole requisites to qualify a man for an elector.

At an election, when parties were violent, each warmly canvassing for suffrages, a captain of a ship, then lying at the wharf, took his seamen to a ma­gistrate, paid a tax for each, and procured a certifi­cate of the payment—then putting such tickets or votes in their hands, as he pleased, led them to the state-house, where they all lodged their votes.

On the return of the ship the next voyage, just before she arrived in Delaware bay, she was surround­ed by a vast multitude of porpoises, pursuing a westerly course with the ship. "See here," says one of the sailors, to his ship-mate, "what a mer­ry company we have." "Yes, d—n 'em," replies Jack, "they are driving for Philadelphia, I believe, to pay taxes, and vote for assemblymen." The cap­tain, who was then walking on the quarter deck, heard the sarcastic wag, and smiled, but said not a word.

13. A very worthy man in a neighbouring state, was remarkable for his absence of mind. In one of his profound reveries, he saddled his horse to carry a bag of corn to a mill at some distance, but forget­ting to place the bag and himself too upon the horse, he took the corn upon his own shoulders, led the horse and marched nearly a mile, before he discover­ed his mistake. At length one of his neighbours met him, and to his great surprise, asked him whe­ther it would not be easier for him to let his horse carry the bag of corn? The man took the hint, laid the load upon his horse, and proceeded on his way.

14. Dr. F—, being in England in the year 1775, was asked by a nobleman, what would satisfy the Americans? He answered, that it might easily [Page 9] be comprised in a few re's, which he immediately wrote on a piece of paper.—Thus,

Re-call your forces,
-store castle William,
-pair the damage done to Boston,
-peal your unconstitutional acts,
-nounce your pretensions to taxes,
-fund the duties you have extorted; after this
-quire, and
-ceive payment for the destroyed tea, with the voluntary grants of the colonies, and then
-joice in a happy
-conciliation.

15. Soon after the settlement of Virginia, cap­tain Smith, then president of the council, conduct­ed a party of men a few miles from James-town, to cut timber.—Among the rest were two gentlemen, who had not been used to labour. As they were at work, their fingers began to be blistered, and the pain of holding their axes was such as to extort an oath at every third blow. To prevent this, the pre­sident ordered the oaths each day to be numbered, and at night condemned each man to have a cann of water for each oath poured into his sleeve. These washings had the desired effect, and it was after­wards rare to hear an oath in a week.

16. Some years since, an Indian resided in the metropolis of a neighbouring state; he gained his subsistence by his industry, and being a very handy fellow, he was frequently employed by many in the city, particularly by the governor. The Indian, whose name was Joseph, took the liberty of enquir­ing of the governor, how it came to pass he had so many fine things about him and never worked any? The governor replied that he got them by head­work. Joe wished to be instructed in the mystery, but was informed his scull was too thick for it. [Page 10] Some time after, Joe was sent for by the governor, who demanded to know what he would have for killing a calf? Joe said, he would do it for two shillings: he was desired to go to the stable and per­form the business; he went, cut the calf's throat, and left him lying there; after some delay he went to the house, and received his pay: soon after the governor went to see how his veal looked, but was astonished to find the calf lying dead, and nothing more done to it. He sent for the Indian, repri­manded him severely for treating him so. Joe insisted that he had complied fully with his agreement; say­ing he had killed the calf, and that for two shillings more he would dress it, asking the governor, if that was not something like head-work?

17. When the American war was warmly agita­ed by the British ministry, mrs. Wright, who was modelling the head of lord North, anxious to hear something respecting her native country, waited on him, to see how far she had improved in the like­ness: and soon turned the conversation to the affairs of America. She assured him of the little probability of success, and with her usual warmth declared, that if he did not immediately recall the troops, and make atonement for the blood that had already been shed, he should lose his head. He laughed, and told her, it was of little consequence, respecting himself, as long as he preserved her friendship, which at all events he should be careful to do: for you know, mrs. Wright, continued he, if they should cut my head off, 'tis in your power to make me ano­ther.

18. Some years ago, immediately after the shock of a tremendous earthquake had alarmed the inhabi­tants of Grenada, the conversation turned at the go­vernor's table, upon the latent occasion of the above phaenomenon; after every one of the company had assigned it to a different cause, an old negro woman was asked, what was her opinion on the subject; she [Page 11] replied, "she thought the Great God was passing by, and the earth had made him a curtsy."

19. Several runaway negroes being condemned to be hanged, one was offered his life, on condition of being the executioner. He refused it: he would sooner die. The master fixed on another of his slaves to perform the office. "Stay," said this last, "'till I prepare myself." He instantly retired to his hut, and cut off his wrist with an axe. Return­ing to his master, "now," said he, "compel me, if you can, to hang my comrades."

20. In the year 1785, a farmer of Bucks' county, assisted by his people, working in harvest, killed a rattle-snake; and soon after having occasion to go home, took up by mistake his son's jacket, and put it on; the son was a stripling, and both their jack­ets were made of the same kind of cloth. The old man being warm, did not button the jacket until he got to the house, then found it much too little for him; he instantly conceived the idea, that he had been imperceptibly bitten by the rattle-snake, and swelled from the effects of the poison; he grew sud­denly very ill, and was put to bed. The people about him were very much alarmed, and sent for two or three physicians; one of whom poured down his throat a pint of melted lard—another gave him a dose of wild plantain—and the third made him drink hoar hound tea, made very strong. Notwithstanding all, he grew worse and was to appearance on the verge of dissolution, when his son came home, with the old gentleman's jacket hanging like a bag about him. The whole mystery was at once unravelled, and the poor farmer, notwithstanding his drenches of hogs'-fat, plantain and hoarhound, was well in an instant.

21. While doctor Franklin was at Paris last war, he happened to mention at his table, that he had but little Madeira wine; upon which an American guest sent him three dozen. A few days afterwards, [Page 12] this gentleman was thrown into the Bastile, and confined there several weeks without the least intima­tion of what he was accused of; only on his earnest enquiry, one of the officers told him he was afraid it would go hard with him, and asked him whether he was a catholic, and would be attended by a priest, which he, being a protestant, refused. After some time a battle of wine was brought, and he was ask­ed whether he knew what wine it was, and was or­dered to drink it: he complied, and answered that he believed it was some of his own Madeira. At length he was released, and then he discovered that doctor Franklin had been taken ill, soon after he received his present, and it was imagined that he had been hired by the English court to poison the doctor.

22. At the siege of Charleston, an American sol­dier had been bribed to convey to the enemy a plan and state of the works, ammunition, &c. After he had passed the lines, he was discovered by the pi­qu [...]; who, having repeatedly called on him to return, were at length obliged to fire at him, and wounded him so that he could not proceed. Upon examining the papers with which he was charged, they were found so accurately and ingeniously exe­cuted, that general Lincoln was convinced they were the work of another hand, and offered the sol­dier his life, provided he would discover the person in the garrison, who had employed him. This offer was rejected, with an observation, that he knew the risque which accompanied his attempt, and had re­ceived an adequate consideration. The usual ar­rangements were therefore made for his execution, and the rope being tied about his neck, the general hoped that such circumstances might have shaken his fortitude, and sent an aid-de-camp to make another tender of pardon upon the same terms. "No!" ex­claimed the resolute victim, "you have my life in your power, but my honour is my own." The sig­nal [Page 13] was immediately given, he was consigned to eter­nity, under the impression of this noble sentiment: and it is remarkable, that the hangman, as he de­scended from his duty, was killed by a shot from the British piquette. Such conduct, however, proves the inconsistency of the human character; nor is it easy to conceive, how a mind, so solicitous to pre­serve its dignity in a matter merely personal, should have condescended to engage in a treachery, destruc­tive to public confidence and allegiance.

23. During the late war, an elderly gentleman from New-York, who was at bottom a staunch loyalist, but so fond of argument, that he would occasionally take up the subject of the war and argue upon it either pro or con—being once at a coffee­house in London, when that topic was in agitation, and then defending the cause of the Americans, one of the company, more sanguine than the rest, round­ly asserted, there could be no doubt of conquering the Americans, notwithstanding the superiority of their numbers; for that one Englishman could drive an hundred of them.—Pray, do you think sir, said the Yankee, you could atchieve so noble an exploit? Perhaps not, replied the hero, upon so great a number—Could you drive fifty?—No—Could you drive twenty?—No—Could you drive one?—O yes. by G—d, I could do that ea­sily at any time.—Then, sir, said the old gentleman, as you are an Englishman, and I am an American, if you please, drive me. The political braggadocio, drew in his horns, and sneaked off.

24. During the late war, an old citizen of Char­leston happened to fall into the hands of a party of British troops, in one of their excursions to Dor­chester. On the party's returning towards town, they stopped to refresh themselves at a plantation on Goose creek; and the soldiers began to jeer their prisoner for rebelling against the king. He not wishing to offend them (as his life had been threaten­ed, [Page 14] and they were then preparing a halter for a pri­soner) answered, that he had enjoyed many happy days under the reign of George the second, and some agreeable moments since the present gentleman came to the crown. The commanding officer, a Caledonian, who was supposed to be asleep, imagin­ing the prisoner intended to degrade the royalty of his king, jumped up in a violent rage, and asked how he had the audacious assurance of presuming to call the king a gentleman, and told him that if such another word escaped his lips, he would instantly cut him to atoms. The prisoner being terrified at the menaces of this Highland butcher, replied, that he had no intention of casting any reflection on his majesty, as he had always supposed him to be a gentle­man.

25. Colonel Cockburn rose from a private soldier to the rank which he enjoyed when St. Eustatius was re-taken.—Of this circumstance he was continu­ally boasting, and upon occasions where it proved more pride than humility.—One day in the island of St. Eustatius, he was reviewing his troops, and took notice of a man in the ranks who was exces­sively dirty.—Going up to him, he said, "how dare you, you rascal, appear on the parade with that dirty shirt? it is as black as ink.—Did you ever see me so nasty, with such a dirty shirt, when I was a private man?"—"No, your honour, to be sure I never did," answered the man—"But then your honour will be pleased to recollect, that your honour's mother was a washer-woman."

26. A person of the name of Palmer, who was a lieutenant in the tory new levies, was detected in the camp at Peek's-kiln. Governor Tryon, who com­manded the new levies, reclaimed him as a British subject, represented the heinous crime of condemning a man commissioned by his majesty, and threatened [Page 15] vengeance in case he should be executed. General Putnam wrote him the following pithy reply:

Sir,

Nathan Palmer, a lieutenant in your king's ser­vice, was taken in my camp as a spy—he was tried as a spy—he was condemned as a spy—and you may rest assured, sir, he shall be hanged as a spy. I have the honour to be, &c.

ISRAEL PUTNAM.

P. S. Afternoon—He is hanged.

27. A lady in Charleston, South Carolina, said, before one of her little girls, that mrs. T—(a rosy widow, whom they visited in the next street) was a very good fort of a woman, and a very enter­taining companion, when she had not a drop in her eye.

A few days after, mrs. T—came to the house, and little Charlotte took more notice of her than she usually did. She stared in her face, indeed, in so pointed a manner, that the lady could not help be­ing desirous of knowing, "what she saw in her countenance, to occasion so critical an examina­tion."

"I am looking," replied the child, with a pretty innocent voice, "to see if there is a drop in your eye."

28. A gentleman riding out one morning early in a place where he happened not to be acquainted; coming up by the side of a young woman who was carrying a pig in her arms, and hearing it scream violently, addressed her thus: "why, my dear, your child cries amazingly!" The young woman, turning round, and looking him in the face, said, with a smile upon her countenance. "I know it, sir, it al­ways does so, when it sees its daddy."

29. A wealthy Jew, who was tired of living in Berlin, and had made frequent applications for leave to quit that place, which he dared not other­wise attempt, at last sent a letter to the king, [Page 16] imploring permission to travel for the benefit of his health.—The king immediately sent him the follow­ing answer, written with his own hand:

Dear Ephraim,

Nothing but death shall part us.

FREDERIC.

30. The Peruvians had a custom, on the death of any distinguished person, to inter along with him to keep him company, the servant that had been attached to him in his life. A young man who had lost his master, and who had also lost an eye, was selected to have the honour of accompanying him to the other world: but not being ambitious of the preference, he exclaimed—"do you know what you are doing? are you not wanting in respect to my master, thus to choose a person who has but one eye to serve him in the other world?" The Peruvians con­sulted, and the young man saved his life.

31. As a gentleman, in a certain coffee-house, was writing a letter to his friend, there being a good deal of company present, a pert young fellow posted himself behind him.—The gentleman conclu­ded his letter with these words: I should write more, but there is an impudent puppy looking over my shoulder.—The macaroni instantly turned upon his heels, and exclaimed aloud, "I'll be dd if I was looking over your shoulder."

32. The great mr. Dalmahoy went in company with a friend lately to bedlam, to see the lunatics there. Among other unhappy objects, he saw a man quite naked, who called out for him to come to the grate. He did so. The madman said, come, sir, you are admiral of the British fleet,—I am admiral of the French fleet—let us not put our innocent men to death. Here, take this sword, (handing him a straw) and I'll take this, holding in his hand another straw. Dalmahoy took the straw, and the [Page 17] other throwing himself into an attitude, made seve­ral passes through the grate, which Dalmahoy hu­moured. At last the madman dropped his straw, and said, "you have disarmed me; but if you are a man of honour you will permit me to take up my sword again." Dalmahoy said, "by all means." The madman stooped, but instead of the straw, took up a large jordan, and dashed the contents in Dalmahoy's face, crying out, "there, d—n you, go and tell your king what a stinking admiral he pitched upon to fight with me."

33. A fellow who had been engaged to prove an alibi on a late trial, after declaring roundly that the prisoner was in his house at the time the robbery was committed, was asked by the counsellor for the prosecutor, whether he had not heard that the pri­soner had confessed his guilt? Yes, said he, gravely, but he was always a d—d lying dog.

34. The following example of laudable pride in a soldier, was mentioned in a letter from an officer of the American army, written soon after the bat­tle of Monmouth.—A soldier in that memorable ac­tion, fell into the hands of the English cavalry, when one of them knocked him down, and attempt­ed to pierce him through the back with his sword,—'Strike me in the heart,' said he, turning briskly about, 'that my friends may not blush for me after my death.'

35. A man went to see his neighbour who was ill, and sitting down by his bed-side, asked him se­veral questions concerning the state of his health; which the other, who was suddenly taken speech­less, could not answer. This highly offended his visitor, who was not conscious of the cause; and rising in a rage, told him, "that please God he would be sick himself soon, and when he came to see him, the d—l a word he would say to him, that nothing might be lost."

36. Two chimney-sweeps having a bridge to pass, where the toll for one of them amounted to all [Page 18] the money they could raise between them, one of the fellows got into the foot-bag, which the other tak­ing on his back, marched up to the gate, paid the single fare, and passed off with his load unsus­pected.

37. The day on which the federal convention a­greed to the new constitution, presented to the pub­lic, the great dr. Franklin asked a gentleman who sat next to him, whether he had taken notice of the picture of the sun in the recess at the back of the president's chair? He replied that he had, but not with a particular attention. The doctor then ob­served that painters had been puzzled to paint a sin­gle sun in such manner that the spectator could de­termine whether it was a rising or a setting sun; he added, that he had viewed the picture before men­tioned as often as he had been in the hall, and never had been able to come to a determination, but now he was sure it was a rising sun.

38. A notorious miser, having heard a very elo­quent charity sermon, "this sermon," said he, "strongly proves the necessity of alms; I had almost a mind to beg."

39. When governor Johnston was president in West-Florida, at a public meeting of the Indians and commissioners for determining the provincial boun­daries, he plied the sachems so briskly with liquor, that they were, according to the old saying, as great as kings. Meeting the next morning with one of the Indian chiefs, he asked him what he thought of the liquor he had drank. "It seems to me," says the copper-coloured warrior, "to be a juice extracted from the tongues of women and the hearts of lions; for, after drinking freely of it, I was as loquacious as a woman, and felt as bold as a lion."

40. A young man, who has attended considerably to arithmetic, and formed pretty towering ideas of his skill in that science, the other day addressed him­self to an African in the following manner; "Boston, I can take a pen and ink, and in three minutes can [Page 19] cypher out and tell you how many minutes you have to live." "Canna you, massa, you must be a very good cypher indeed. I aska you a question. Which can see best, a mare stone blind, or a horse without eyes?" Pho, that's no question at all." "I aske you another,—'pose he be ten rods to Nichols's, how far you call him away out yonder?" "That I can't tell neither," replied he, "Well, I aske one more, 'pose fifty rail make one load, how many [...]e take to make a d—d great pile?" So many unanswerable questions quite confounded our young conceited arithmetician. He began to think he did not know every thing, and retreated from the lists of his African antagonist, with shame and confusion.

41. About fifty years ago, the general assembly of New Hampshire used to sit in a tavern. A coun­tryman happened to come into Portsmouth to buy nails, and was enquiring at the shops for single-tens. A waggish fellow, known by the name of doctor Moses, over-hearing him, directed him to the ta­vern, where he told him were plenty of single-tens. The man went, and enquired of two members, who happened to be in the porch—they deemed it an in­sult on the honour of the house, and made a com­plaint to the speaker. The man was taken into cu­stody and laid the blame on Moses. He was then sent for, and having acknowledged the fact, was or­dered to receive the speaker's reprimand and ask par­don on his knees. Moses obeyed, and having per­formed his humiliation, as he was rising from the floor, b [...]ushed his knees with his hand, and exclaim­ed, a dirty house! a dirty house!

42. An Indian chief of the Creek nation, being once appointed to negociate a treaty of peace with the people of South Carolina, was desired by the governor and council to speak his mind freely, and not to be afraid, for he was among friends. "I will speak freely, I will not be afraid," said he, "for why [Page 20] should I be afraid among my friends, who never am afraid among my enemies?"

43. The Elizabeth, an English man of war, would infallibly have been lost in the shoals on the coast of Florida, in 1746, had not captain Ed­wards ventured into the Havannah. It was in time of war, and the port belonged to an enemy. "I come," said the captain to the governor, "to deli­ver up my ship, my sailors, my soldiers, and myself, into your hands: I only ask the lives of my men." "No," said the Spanish commander, "I will not be guilty of so dishonourable an action. Had we taken you in fight, in open sea, or upon our coasts, your ship would have been ours, and you would be our prisoners. But, as you are driven in by stress of weather, and are come hither for fear of being cast away, I ought, and do forget that my nation is at war with yours. You are men, and so are we; you are in distress, and have a right to our pity. You are at liberty to unload and refit your vessel; and, if you want it, you may trade in this port to pay your charges: you may then go away, and you will have a pass to carry you safe beyond the Ber­mudas. If, after this, you are taken, you will be a lawful prize; but, at this moment, I see in English­men, only strangers, for wh [...] humanity claims our assistance."

44. Sir Simon Stuart, of Hartley, England, a­musing himself with some old papers belonging to his family, found endorsed on the outside of a cove­nant, that 15,000 pieces of gold were buried in a certain field, so many feet from the ditch towards the south. These words appearing a kind of me­morandum, the baronet took a servant with him, and going to the place described, made him dig, and found the treasure in a large iron pot, the mouth of which was covered with parchment, on which were written in legible characters, the following [Page 21] words: The devil shall have it sooner than Crom­well.

45. Soon after the peace of Vervins, Henry the fourth of France, returning from hunting, in a plain garb, and only two gentlemen with him, cros­sed the Seine in a common ferry-boat. Perceiving the waterman did not know him, he asked him what the people said of the peace? "Faith," answered the waterman, "as to this same fine peace, I know nothing of it; but every thing, I know, is taxed, even this old tool of a boat, so that I can scarcely get a living." "Well, but (continued Henry) does not the king intend to see the people eased?" "The king, (replied Charon) is well enough of himself; but has a mistress who must have so many fine cloaths, and gewgaws; and it is we pay for all: however, if he had her to himself it would not be so much, but she is devilishly belied, master, if she does not play the beast with two backs with some others." The king, who had been ex­cessively diverted with the colloquy, sent next morning for the waterman, and made him repeat before the duchess of Beaufort without missing a word, what he had said the evening before. Her grace was so incensed that nothing would serve her, but the king must immediately order him to be hang­ed. "Pho!" said the good-natured monarch, "are you mad?" don't you see he is a poor devil, soured by distress. His boat shall pay no tax, and then he'll be continually singing, Vive Henri! Vive Ga­brielle!"

46. An agreeable woman, to whom Santeuil owed some money, meeting him one day at a private house, asked him the reason she had not seen him so long; "is it because you owe me something?" "No, ma­dam, (replied the poet) that is not what prevents my visiting, and you are the cause that you are not paid." "How so?" said the lady. "Because, [Page 22] said he, whenever I see you, I forget every thing else."

47. The mildness of sir Isaac Newton's temper through the course of his life, commanded admira­tion from all who knew him, but in no one instance perhaps more than the following: Sir Isaac had a favourite little dog, which he called Diamond; and being one day called out of his study into the next room, Diamond was left behind. When sir Isaac returned, having been absent but a few minutes, he had the mortification to find, that Diamond, hav­ing thrown down a lighted candle among some pa­pers, the nearly finished labour of some years was in flames, and almost consumed to ashes. This loss, as sir Isaac was then very far advanced in years, was irretrievable; yet without once striking the dog, he only rebuked him with this exclamation, "Oh! Diamond! Diamond! thou little knowest the mischief thou hast done."

48. At the siege of Lisle, in queen Anne's time, upon an attack on some of the outworks, the grena­diers of the 15th regiment of foot, were obliged to retire, by the springing of a mine, or by the su­periority of the enemy's fire. In this retreat, the lieutenant of those grenadiers, remarkable for his ill treatment of them, was wounded, and fell. The grenadiers were passing on, nor heeded his entrea­ties to help him off. At last he laid hold of a pair of shoes that was tied to the waist-belt of one of them: The grenadier, regardless of his situation, and in resentment of his former ill usage, took out a knife from his pocket, with which he cut the string, and left them with him, with this remarkable ex­pression. "There! there is a new pair of shoes for you, to carry you to hell."

49. On the thirtieth of January, (the martyrdom of king Charles the first) Quin used to say, every king in Europe would rise with a crick in his neck.

[Page 23] 50. One of the king's soldiers in the civil wars, being full of zeal and liquor, staggered against a church, and clapping the wall of it repeatedly with his hand, hiccupped out, d—n you, you b—h, never fear, I'll stand by you to the last.

51. A dragoon was shot in Dublin for desertion, and taking away his horse and accoutrements at the same time. When on his trial, an officer asked him what could induce him to take away his horse? To which he replied, "he ran away with him." What, said the officer, did you do with the money you sold him for? "That, please your honour," said the fellow, with the utmost indifference, "ran away too."

52. Two friends, who had not seen each other for a long time, met one day by accident.—"How do you do?" says one, "so, so," replied the other; "and yet I was married, since you and I were to­gether."—"That is good news."—"Not very good—for it was my lot to meet with a termagent."—"It is pity."—"I hardly think so—for she brought me two thousand pounds."—"Well, there is comfort."—"Not much—for with her fortune I purchased a quantity of sheep, and they all died of the rot."—"That is indeed distressing."—"Not so distressing as you imagine—for by the sale of their skins, I got more than the sheep cost me."—"In that case you are indemnified."—"By no means—for my house and all my money have been destroyed by fire."—"Alas! this was a dreadful misfortune."—"Faith, not so dreadful—for my termagent wife and my house were burned together."

53. La Fontaine, the celebrated French fabulist, a day or two after losing his generous patroness, ma­dame de la Subline, whose house was his home, met his acquaintance, M. de Hervart: "My dear La Fontaine, (said that worthy man to him) I have heard of your misfortune, and was going to pro­pose [Page 24] your coming to live with me." "I was going to you,"—answered La Fontaine.

54. The wife of a farmer, on an estate near Rich­mond, was taken in labour: the farmer wished for a son, and waited in the next room for the intelligence: it proved a boy, and the man jumped from his chair with ecstacy. A few minutes after, the maid ser­vant came in, and told him her mistress was deliver­ed of another child, a fine girl: "a girl, (said the farmer with astonishment) well, well, we must en­deavour to give it a bit of bread." A short while after, the girl appeared again, and told him her mis­tress was delivered of a lovely boy! "What, ano­ther child! (said the farmer almost frantic with surprise) d—n it, Nancy, is your mistress a pig­ging?"

55. While a sailor's sentence was pronouncing, who committed a robbery on the highway, he raised a piece of rolled tobacco to his mouth, and held it between his teeth. When the sentence was finish­ed, he bit off a piece of the tobacco, and began to chew it with great unconcern.—"Sirrah! (said the judge, piqued at his indifference) do you know that you are to be hanged in a very short time?" "So I hear," said the sailor, squirting a little tobacco juice from his mouth at the same time.—"Do you know (rejoined the judge) where you shall go when you die?"—"I cannot tell, indeed, an't please your honour," said the sailor.—"Why then (replied the judge, with a tremendous voice) I will tell you, you will go to hell."—"If I should, (replied the sailor, with perfect tranquility) I hope, please your honour, I shall be able to bear it."

56. Dr. Hugh Latimer, one of the primitive re­formers, was raised to the bishopric of Worcester, in the reign of Henry VIII. It was the custom of those times for each of the bishops to make presents to the king of a purse of gold on a New-Year's day. Bishop Latimer went with the rest of his bre­thren [Page 25] to make the usual offering, but instead of a purse of gold, presented the king with a New Te­stament, which was doubled down at this passage, "Whoremongers and adulterers GOD will judge." Such characters as this, in the present age, would be inva­luable.

57. The noted Tom Bell, while on Long-Island, passed part of the time by the name of Brandt Schuyler, an alderman of New-York,—a custom of passing by other men's names being very common to him. Some time after his passing by the said Schuyler's name, he was taken up for some crime he had committed, and brought to the jail at New-York.—Curiosity was such with men in general, to see so noted a person, that many visited him while in confinement: among the rest was Brandt Schuyler, who, after a variety of questions, asked him, whether what he heard was true, namely, that you, mr. Bell, have passed in Long-Island by my name? upon which Bell answered, "Yes, I passed by your name, but as I never was able to get even a drink of butter-milk by it, I soon left it off, and am de­termined to make use of it no more."—This so confound­ed the alderman that he made no reply, but walk­ed off immediately—after which he was called the butter milk alderman.

58. Mr. Pitt, (afterwards earl of Chatham) in a debate with lord Holland, took occasion with great asperity to say, that nature had displayed in his countenance the sign of a black and treacherous soul, and noticed the pent-house of his sullen eye-brows, his hard, unsocial front, and dark, unblushing cheeks. On this lord Holland arose, and complained bitterly of the personal abuse, alleging that he could not help his looks, as he had not made himself; and turning round to mr. Pitt, "The honourable gentle­man finds fault with my features, but how would he have me look?"—Mr. Pitt starting up, replied, "The honourable gentleman asks me how I would [Page 26] have him look? I would have him look as he ought, if he could; I would have him look as he cannot, if he would—I would have him look like an honest man."—This severe retort threw his antagonist into silent and unconquerable confusion.

59. When lord Sandwich received the first intelli­gence from Lloyd's coffee-house, of St. Vincent's being taken, he hurried to the king to inform him of it, and when admitted to an audience, with great earnestness recommended that it would be wise to smother the matter.—"Smother it!" said the king, with surprise, "by H—n! the child is too big; we can't smother it, my lord.

60. A fellow being stopped with four hogs that he had stolen, attempted to make his escape, but running into a bye-road, thro' which there was no passage, he was taken and lodged in jail. "Damn it," said he, as he entered, "I have brought my hogs to a fine market."

61. A lady, celebrated in Scotland for her wit and beauty, happening to be at an assembly in Edinburgh, a young gentleman, the son of his ma­jesty's printer, who had the patent for publishing bi­bles, made his appearance dressed in green and gold. Being a new face, and extremely elegant, he attract­ed the attention of the whole company. A general murmur prevailed in the room, to learn who he was; the lady instantly made answer loud enough to be heard, "Oh! don't you know him? it is young Bible, bou [...] in calf and gilt—but not lettered."

62. When the amiable dutchess of Northumber­land was some years ago on the continent, she stop­ped at an inn in French Flanders, at the Golden Goose; but arriving late, and being somewhat fa­tigued with her journey, she ordered but a slight re­past for herself and her suite, which consisted of only five servants. In the morning, when the landlord presented his bill, her secretary was much surprised at [Page 27] one general item of "Expenses for the night, 14 louis d'ors." In vain did he remonstrate; the art­ful Fleming knew the generous character of the dutchess, and was positive. The money was ac­cordingly paid. When she was preparing to depart, the landlord, as usual, attended her to the carriage; and after making many congees, and expressing many thanks, he hoped he would have the honour of her grace's company on her return. "Why, I don't know but you may," said the duchess, with her usual good humour; "but it must be upon one condition, that you do not mistake me again for your sign."

63. Foote, whose talent lay in lampooning and mimickry, even in his early days, had once got the knack of imitating a late general officer, in the shrug of his shoulders, the lisping of his speech, and some other things, for which the general was remarkable, so that it grew a common topic among his acquaintances, who used to say, "Come Sam, let's have the general's company." A friend at length acquainted the officer with it, who sent for Foote. "Sir," says the general, "I hear you have an ex­cellent talent at mimicking characters, and among the rest, I find I have been the subject of your ri­dicule." "Oh, sir," says Foote, with great plea­santry, "I take all my acquaintances off at times, and, what is more particular, I often take myself off." "God so," says the other, "pray let us have a specimen." Foote, on this, puts on his hat and gloves, takes hold of his cane, and making a short bow, left the room. The officer waited some mi­nutes for his return, but at length, on enquiry, found he had really taken himself off, by leaving the house. The officer was general Blakeney, with whom he was afterwards in the strictest friendship.

64. A brave tar, with a wooden leg, who was on board Admiral Parker's fleet in the engagement with the Dutch, having the misfortune to have the other [Page 28] shot off, as his comrades were conveying him to the surgeon, notwithstanding the poignancy of his ago­nies, (being a man of humour) he could not sup­press his joke, saying, "It was high time for him to leave off play, when his last pin was bowled down.

65. When the distinguished major Rogers took up his abode in a spunging-house, like a true philo­sopher, he endeavoured to make his situation as agreeable as possible; he therefore one day, out of a whim, sent cards of invitation to all the bailiffs who frequented the house, to come and dine with him. They accordingly came, and being in high spirits, after dinner, one of them being called upon for a toast, gave, "The d—l ride rough-shod over the rascally part of the creation." When every one was going to drink the toast, the major, who was at the foot of the table, cried out, "Stop, gentlemen, every man fill a bumper."—"Oh, there's no occa­sion for that," says one of the company. "Yes there is," says the major, "I consider it as a family toast, that ought to be done justice to.

66. Foote and Garrick being at a tavern together at the time of the first regulation of the gold coin, the former pulling out his purse to pay the reckon­ing, asked the latter, "What he should do with a light guinea he had?" "'Pshaw, 'tis worth nothing," says Garrick, "sting it to the devil." "Well, David," says the other, "you are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go further than any other man."

67. Charles Fox, when a boy, delighted in arch tricks. In his walks, one Easter Monday, meeting a blind woman, who was crying puddings and pies, he took her by the arm and said, "Come along with me, dame, I am going to Moorfields, where, this holiday-time you may chance to meet with good custom." "Thank'ee kindly, sir," says she. Where­upon he conducted her to a church, and placed her in the middle aisle. Now, says he, you are in Moor­fields; [Page 29] which she believing to be true, immediately cried out, "Hot puddings and pies! hot puddings and pies!—Come they are all hot," &c. which caused the congregation to burst into a loud fit of laughter: and the clerk came and told her, she was in church; "You are a lying son of a whore," says she; which so enraged the clerk, that he dragged her out of the church; she cursing and damning him all the while; nor could she believe, him 'till she heard the organs play.

68. A lady being ill, sent for a physician, and on his leaving the room gave him a fee of two guineas. This she repeated several times, but one day she gave him a single guinea. This by some accident fell up­on the floor, when the doctor picked it up, and turning to the lady, with a significant look, said, "Madam, I believe I have dropt a guinea." "No, doctor," replied the lady, smartly, "'Twas I who dropt the guinea."

69. Doctor Johnson being asked his opinion of a certain nabob, better known by his riches than learn­ing, "A meer sheep, sir, with a golden fleece," ob­served the cynic.

70. A lady on the wrong side of fifty, having lost both her money and temper at a rout, with very little grace, had the additional misfortune, in stoop­ing, to lose her entire head-dress, to the discovery of a bald pate; whereupon one of the company ob­served, in her hearing, "That he could not but commend the hair, for leaving so weak a head!

71. The prince of Condé, coming to congratu­late his master, Louis XIV. on the battle of Senef, in which his highness had the command, and gained great honour; the king stood on the top of the stairs to receive him. The prince being lame of the gout, mounted very slowly, and stopping midway, begged his majesty's pardon, if he made him wait. "Cousin," said the king, "do not hurry yourself; [Page 30] a person loaded with laurels as you are, cannot move very swiftly."

72. Foote, on seeing the earl of Antrim, who had very thin arms and legs, with a pot belly, said, in his usual sarcastic spirit, he looked like a grey­hound that had got the dropsey.

73. At the last coronation, a gentleman paid six guineas for a feat in Westminster Abbey: the in­stant the king entered, he turned to a gentleman beside him, and protested he was the greatest fool in Bri­tain; "Indeed?" said the gentleman: "how so, sir?" Why, sir, I have paid six guineas for a seat here; when his majesty, who can much better af­ford it, comes in for a crown!

74. When the late dauphin of France said to the facetious duke of Roquelaure, "Stand farther off, Roquelaure, for you smell very strong;" the duke replied, I ask your pardon, sir, 'tis you that smell, not I."

75. Old Charles Macklin being asked his opinion of Charles Fox, and the other distinguished coaliti­on characters, replied, I am no astronomer, sir, but they seem to me to be wandering planets; though it would be much better for the people of this dis­tracted country, if they were fixed stars at Tyburn or Temple-Bar.

76. When Lewis XIV. came to the throne, he was remarkably obstinate, and it could not be known whether he took advice of any one. He had no public council, nor any private counsellor. One day being hunting on a very small Britanny bidet, cardinal Mazarin frequently repeated, "What a very strong horse that must be!" "Why so, my good cardinal?" said the king, "Why, sire," an­swered his eminence, "it not only carries your ma­jesty, but the whole body of your council." From that moment the king took the hint, and, of course, ad­vice, and became one of the greatest monarchs in the world.

[Page 31] 77. Two [...] conversing, one observed that a certain [...] who [...] one unfortunate match, was [...] to [...] repute, "Then," replied the other, "he [...] fair way to double Cape Horn!"

78. The celebrated dr. [...]ng invited old Jacob Tonson, the bookseller, to his country-seat several times, but could never prevail on him to under­take the journey. The last time the doctor was in London, before Tonson's death, he asked the bookseller his reason for not visiting him? "Why really," replied Jacob, "the truth of the matter is, I do not like the country:" "I believe you are right," replied the wit, "a cucumber thrives best on its own dunghill."

79. Voltaire's stage-heroes and heroines at his theatre at Ferney, were made up of the butler, coachman, groom, dairy-maid, cook, &c. When any passage went wrong, he never failed to proclaim it; and would cross the stage in his night-cap and gown, to scold at an empress, or pull the cap of a queen. His coachman, in the character of a Turk­ish slave, not entering time enough to lay him down gently in the hour of death, he changed his tragedy part into reasoning, and whimsically asked him for a receipt in full of all demands; "for I am sure," said Voltaire, "I must be in your debt, or you would not have used me so, as to let me die thus like a beg­gar."

80. When dr. Johnson was first patronized by lord Chesterfield, the doctor called on him one morning, and being shewn into an ante-chamber, either from the mistake of the footman, or his lordship's pay­ing a preference to other company, the doctor was [...] waiting there for two hours, without his lord­ship's appearance. Johnson growing piqued at this neglect, abruptly left the house, and from that hour, resolved to break off all acquaintance with him. Some time after this, lord Chesterfield endeavoured [Page 32] all he could to recover Johnson's friendship, by writing two essays in favour of his dictionary, in a periodical paper then publishing, called "The World," as well as by other indirect solicitations; but all in vain: Johnson was not only resolved, but wrote his lordship word so, in a very remarkable let­ler, wherein, with great dignity and philosophic pride, he begged leave to be dismissed his patronage and acquaintance. Some time after this, a friend met the doctor in Dodsley's shop, and asked him how he could desert a man who had been so service­able to him, in the public encouragement of his dic­tionary, as lord Chesterfield was? "Serviceable to me, sir!" says the author, "in no respect whatso­ever: I had been for years sailing round the world of literature, and just as I was getting into the chops of the channel, his lordship sends out two little cock­boats, more to partake of my triumphs, than to pi­lot me into harbour. No, no my lord Chesterfield may be a wit amongst lords, but I fancy he is no more than a lord amongst wits."

81. An honest clergyman in the country was re­proving a married couple for their frequent dissensi­ons, which were very unbecoming, both in the eye of God and man, seeing that you are both one; Both one! cried the husband, were you to come by our door sometimes when we quarrel, you would swear we were twenty.

82. A large party of gentlemen were invited to dinner at a gentleman's house. It so happened that one of the party was overheard to say to another, Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them. The gen­tleman took it up immediately, and said, Wise men make proverbs, and fools repeat them.

83. A young fellow who had made an end of all he had, even to his last suit of cloaths, was told one day by a friend, Now, I hope you'll own yourself a happy man, for there is an end put to all your cares. [Page 33] How so? replied the young fellow. Because, said his friend, You have nothing left to take care of.

84. A country 'squire, not very famous for the brilliancy or the refinement of his conversation, was paying his addresses to an accomplished young lady in his neighbourhood, and happened to have a very handsome Italian bitch with him: The lady admir­ed it very much, and said, Dear sir, what a pretty dog you have got; You are mistaken, madam, answered the genius, It is not a dog, but one of your own sex.

85. As the celebrated dr. Johnson was sitting in a coffee-room, where a dog was very troublesome, he ordered the waiter to kick him out; the waiter not being so alert as he should be, the doctor repeated his orders; upon which a young genius said to the doctor, I perceive, Sir, you are not fond of dogs. No, said the doctor, nor of puppies either.

86. A young member in the house of commons was tempted to display his oratorial powers, by the suc­cess and applause with which some eloquent members were attended; accordingly, on a certain subject he rose up with great importance, and said, Mr. speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not cheyed, to what end were these laws made? After he was seated some time, another member arose and and said, Mr. Speaker, did the ho­nourable gentleman who spoke last, speak to the purpose, or did he not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?

87. The following story is related of a gentle­man who had no nose: As he was walking along the street one day, a beggar woman followed him, saying, God preserve your eye-sight, sir! Why so, good woman? said he. Because, sir, said she, if you should grow dim-sighted, your honour would have no place to hang your spectacles on.

88. A certain lady of quality spoke to her butler to be very saving of a cask of excellent small beer, [Page 34] and asked him how it could be best preserved—The butler replied, By placing a barrel of good ale by it.

89. A certain impertinent oculist once told a lady, that he was such a master of penetration and discern­ment, that he could tell people's thoughts by their eyes, and particularly, madam, said he, I can tell yours at this time. Can you so sir, replied the lady, were I in your case I would endeavour to ke [...] them secret, rather than tell them; for I am sure they are not at all to your advantage.

90. Mr. Quin happening to call at a friend's house near Bath, which was not quite finished, found only the servant at home; however, Quin being ra­ther hard pressed in a certain way, told the fellow to shew him the little house; "Yes, sir," said the servant "the house is little, but it is very compact."—"I mean," said Quin, "your necessary house." "I be­lieve, sir," said the servant, "when my master comes down, he will find it very necessary, and much preferable to lodgings." Quin was almost out of all patience, and exclaimed, "'Tis your conveni­ency I mean, sir." "Yes, sir; I can assure you, sir, as I said before, tho' small, it is very conve­nient." "You rascal, you," says Quin, "'Tis your s—t-house, I mean, and if you don't shew it me di­rectly, I shall foul my breeches." "Oh lord, sir," said the servant, "that is not built yet."

91. A certain gentleman more celebrated for his jollity than his religion, notwithstanding his chap­lain was at table, introduced a baboon dressed up in the garb of a clergyman, in order to say grace; which conduct was very properly resented by the chaplain, who said to the gentleman, I did not know till now, that you had so near a relation in orders.

92. Waller, the celebrated poet, in Oliver Crom­well's protectorate, wrote many extravagant poems in his praise. When Charles II. came to the throne, he likewise wrote a poem upon the restoration, in­scribed to that monarch, with which he was in­troduced [Page 35] to his majesty. The king, after having read the poem, told Waller, the lines were good, but not so good as some addressed to Oliver. To which the poet, with admirable presence of mind, replied, that poets always succeed best in fiction.

93. As a certain clergyman, who shall be name­less, was performing divine service in his parish church, on the coast of Essex, where is a variety of shipwrecks, and where the people are well known to be very fond of plunder; it so happened that the alarm was given of A WRECK! A WRECK! with which the congregation were much more moved than with the parson's sermon; he perceiving it, opened the pulpit door, walked down stairs, and begged they would stay to hear five words more, which he he had to say; the people consenting, the parson said, Let us all start fair.

94. An old lady, who was not very much fam­ed for good breeding and politeness, whatever other qualities she might possess, being in a large party of very genteel company, happened to break wind backwards—a young gentleman who sat near her, seeing the company observe it, took the shame upon himself, and apologized very modestly for the rude­ness he had been guilty of. It passed very well, and the next day the lady sent him a pair of colours, with her compliments, and this remark, That it was an ill wind that blew nobody good.

95. The celebrated Quin happened to be in a re­turned post-chaise betweeen Bath and Bristol, when the post-boy, in order to increase his perquisite, took up another passenger, who proved a very dis­agreeable one, having very sweaty feet, as well as being guilty of many indecencies. Quin was de­termined to get rid of him; a lucky opportunity of­fered, for the passenger asked him how long he meant to stay at Bristol; that, said Quin, depends upon the effect the sea water has upon me. What, said the other, are you going to drink it? No, said he, [Page 36] I am going to be dipped for the bite of a mad dog, and immediately shewed some distortion of features, which the passenger took for indications of madness, and precipitately left the chaise.

96. In the northern exertions last war, for raising men to serve his British majesty, it was too customary for the Lairds and Highland chiefs to compel their vas­sals into the service by main force, when they would not go by fair means.—A little disturbance of this sort happening one day, and a crowd ensuing, a person stopt to ask what was the matter? Nae thing at aw, cried a Scot, they are only forcing a mon to turn volunteer.

97. It is reported of lord chief justice Holt, who had been very wild in his youth, that being once upon the bench at the old Bailey, a fellow was tried and convicted of a robbery on the highway, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his former companions. Curiosity induced him to enquire the fortune of his contemporaries, with whom he once associated, and asked him what was become of Tom such-a-one, and Jack such a-one—The fellow fetch­ed a deep sigh, and replied, Ah, my lord, they are all hanged, but your lordship and I.

98. Foote one day said to a miser of his acquain­tance, my friend, you are very happy in being free from two dreadful plagues, that torment many thousands in this metropolis. "What plagues are those?" demanded sir Gripus. "Why, a scolding wife and a smoky house," said Foote: "Matrimo­nial expenses keep you unmarried; and your anti­pathy to dressing food, at your own expense, ren­ders fires in your house unnecessary."

99. Before the penal laws against the Roman Catholics were repealed, it was one of the principal restrictions upon the profession of that religion in England, that if a junior branch of a family should commence protestant, he should be entitled to the whole of his father's estate. It happened in a gen­tleman's [Page 37] family, that his younger son being rather extravagant, applied to his father for a sum, which the latter judged it inexpedient to grant. Upon his refusal, the son threatened him with a public pro­fession of the protestant faith. This alarmed the old man, who consulting a friend on the occasion, asked him what step he had best take? Why, said his friend, I would advise you to turn first, and your estate will be secured.

100. When general Lee commanded a body of the army at an action in the Jerseys, he observed one of his aid-de-camps to be rather fearful of the danger he was in, from executing the general's or­ders. By way of encouragement, he told his aid-de-camp, that in one action the king of Prussia had twenty aid-de-camps slain, and therefore begged he would be courageous. O, replied the latter, I was not at all alarmed for myself, but was rather apprehen­sive, that the Congress could not spare so many.

101. Bishop Burnet, who was a tall, large-boned man, preaching once with some vehemence before king Charles the Second, closed one of his sentences with a violent thump upon the cushion, and this note of interrogation; "Who dares deny it"? No bo­dy, said the king in a whisper, who stands within the reach of that devilish great fist of yours.

102. The prince of Orange, afterwards king Wil­liam the Third, preparing for an expedition, one of his officers begged to know what his intention was? Can you keep a secret? said the prince. I can, Sir, said the officer; and so can I, replied the prince.

103. A lady being asked, how she liked a gentle­man's singing, who had a stinking breath? The words are good, said she, but the air is intolerable.

104. King Charles the first, once going to dinner, when the chaplain was out of the way, told Archee, his jester, to say grace; which he immediately per­formed thus: All glory be to God on high, and little [Page 38] Laud to the devil. At which all the courtiers smil­ing, because it reflected on Laud, archbishop of Canterbury, who was a little man; the king told Archee, that he would give an account of him to his grace the archbishop; and what will you do then? said the king. O, said Archee, I'll hide myself in a place where he never will find me.—Where's that, said the king? In his pulpit, replied Archee, for I'm sure he never goes there.

105. A gentleman having paid his addresses to a young lady for some length of time, was rather weary of his attendance, and demanded a categori­cal answer, either yes or no.—The young lady re­plied; Sir, I neither say yes nor no.

106. A gentleman one day complaining to another, that fortune had no later than last night tricked him out of 1000l. and thought it very hard that his luck never turned; "I don't wonder at your losing mo­ney," said the other, "but all the world is surpriz­ed how you get it to lose."

107. A young boy, remarkable for his shrewd­ness, had purchased of his play-fellow a magpie, which he carried to his father's house, and was feed­ing it at the door, when a gentleman in the neigh­bourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T—T—T—Tom, can your mag t—t—talk yet? Yes, sir, said the boy, better than you, or I'd wring his head off.

108. An author after reading a play to Quin, which was totally devoid of merit, Quin told him it would not do by any means. I wish, said the au­thor, you could advise me what is best to do with it.—That I can, said Quin: blot out one half, and burn the other.

109. In the reign of king Henry the Eighth, a facetious spendthrift nobleman, having lately sold a whole manor, consisting of near a hundred tene­ments, came strutting into court in a new rich suit, saying, "Am not I a mighty man, to bear an hun­dred houses upon my back?" Which cardinal [Page 39] Wolsey hearing, said, "My lord, you had much better have paid your debts." "What you say is very right," replied the nobleman, "and I owe your father* three half pence for a sheep's head: come write me a receipt, there's two pence for it."

110. A humorous divine visiting a gentleman one morning, was asked to stay to dinner, which invita­tion he accepted of; the gentleman stept into the next room to tell his wife, and desired she would provide something extraordinary.—The lady was not of the best disposition in the world, and used such language, as provoked the husband to say, Madam, was it not for the stranger in the next room, I would kick you out of doors.—Upon which the cler­gyman, who heard all that had passed, immediately stept in, saying, I beg, sir, you'll make no stranger of me.

111. A sailor who was travelling on the roof of a coach, one moon-light night, carried a loaded blunderbuss with him; and desired the coachman to give him timely information when he saw a high­wayman coming; they had not gone far, when the coachman gave the alarm; the sailor immediately fired, and wounded the man; the coachman blam­ed him for his precipitancy, and told him he was not justifiable in what he did: No? said the sailor; what! would you have him board us first?

112. A very silly fellow once observing in com­pany, that it was a great gift to keep a secret, such a gift as he wished to obtain. "I can put you in the way to acquire it," said one that stood by: "do but hold your peace, and then you will con­ceal a secret of some consequence to you; for then you will not let any body know that you are a fool."

113. A captain not much esteemed for his cou­rage, on board admiral Rodney's fleet, observing [Page 40] that if his ship had come up, he could have done wonders. "By h—n, captain," said a blunt sea-officer, "I thought I saw you perform wonders to­day; for you hung an a—e when the signal for chace was hung out: and I think that is wonderful for an Englishman."

114. A noisy fellow hearing some people disput­ing, made more disturbance than all the rest, by con­tinually crying, "Keep the peace."—"Friend," says a quaker, who was present, "if thou wouldst hold thy peace, it would contribute much to so good an end."

115. An ignorant person being told that an ac­quaintance of his had died insolvent—"That must be a falsity," said he; "Jack did not die in Solvent, for, to my certain knowledge, he died in Flanders."

116. If you marry, (said a father to his daugh­ter) you will do well; if you do not marry, you will do better. If that's the case," replied the daughter, "get me a husband as soon as you can, I shall be content do well, and leave it to others to do better."

117. A young priest, of greater pertness than wit or learning, being asked in company, how he came to take it into his head to enter into the mi­nistry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may be, replied a gentle­man present, for I often have read that the Lord once had need of an ASS.

118. A person happening to call one day upon an acquaintance, found him exercising his wife with that discipline, which Jobson tries in the farce of The devil to pay—and being hurt at the ungenerous task undertaken by his friend, he begged him by all the ties of honour to forbear—at the same time asking the occasion of such severe treatment—'The occasion is,' said the enraged husband, 'She will not be mistress in her own house.' His friend ex­pressed great astonishment at the answer, and ob­served, 'The omission was such as he believed no [Page 41] woman ever gave her husband occasion to thrash her for before.'—Ah! by G—, said the husband, 'My wife won't be mistress, because she wants to be master.'

119. A famous painter agreed beforehand, for the price of a picture with a gentleman, who was not indebted to Nature, either for shape or face; the picture being finished, the gentleman endea­voured to beat down the price, alleging that if he did not purchase it, it would lie on the painter's hands. "That is your mistake, says the painter, for I can sell it for the double the price I demand." "How can that be?" says the gentleman, "for it is like nobody but myself." "True," replied the painter, "but I will draw a tail to it, (that is the time it will fetch me double) for, then it will make an excellent monkey." The gentleman, to prevent be­ing exposed, paid down the money demanded, and carried off the picture.

120. Not long since, a countryman enquiring, in Charleston, for the best bar-iron ware-house, a waggish young gentleman undertook to conduct him to the cheapest in town, and carried him to the new prison, at which place he was shewn some of the iron-barred rooms, with an intimation that those fort of ware-houses had all the run of business at present; at the same time several of the prisoners in­sisted on receiving a small sum of money for garnish. The countryman complied with all they asked of him, but being one of those sour, irascible mortals whom it is much safer to laugh with, than at, went back immediately to the store where his kind con­ductor resided, and imprinted on his rueful visage some marks of gratitude that will not easily be erased, and will no doubt teach him the propriety of an adage—All is well that ends well.

121. During the march of a detachment of the American army, through New-Jersey, in the late war, a silver spoon was missed in a house where a party of the troops had been billeted.

[Page 42] Suspicion pitched on a soldier, who was seen to have entered the apartment where the spoon was kept—and he was accused of the theft:

"May I never meet salvation"—exclaimed the soldier—"May I be sunk into the endless regions of perdition, if I have seen—heard of—or taken your spoon."

"But no one else could have taken it." replied the host.

The soldier again went through the "manual" of his attestations of innocence—and imprecations against himself if he was guilty.

The landlord looked astonished—and being an ho­nest man, was obliged to believe the soldier—but just on the point to leave the examination—he, tak­ing hold of the button of the soldier's coat, and looking him in the face—said—"Now say upon your honour, that you have not got my spoon—and I shall be satisfied." "Upon my honour," said the soldier to himself, after thinking for a few minutes—"Upon my honour"—Poh! blast you, he cried—pulling the spoon from his pocket, and giving it to its owner—"Blast your spoon—take your spoon and be d—d."

The host stared with surprise—and while lament­ing that the great principles of religion and mora­lity, should have less weight in the mind of an in­telligent being, than the principles of what he con­ceived to be a mere sound—the soldier swung his knapsack, and joining the corps, marched off.

122. A military gentleman, in Paris, had in­vited much company to dinner. His son six years old, came to the table, but was repulsed, and told that his beard was too short to dine with his father. The mother, as much mortified as her son, made up a little side-table for him, and ordered that he should be well attended. A large cat, however, repeated­ly tried to take away his victuals, on which the child, out of all patience, exclaimed, go and eat with my papa, you have a beard long enough.

[Page 43] 123. A soldier in the late war having stolen a shirt from a farmer, to whom he would not make resti­tution—"Well, (said the farmer) if you keep it, you will pay for it in this world or in the next.—"Faith, (replied the soldier) if you will trust so long, I will take another."

124. Lady B—T—, was lately one of a large company, at the house of a certain nobleman, remarkable for a large collection of books, but who had a mere ignoramus of a fellow for a librarian. This her ladyship knew, and in passing with several others, by the door of the library, she pointed to it, saying, with her usual vivacity, "There is the se­raglio, committed to the care of an eunuch."

125. A clergyman in New Jersey, owned a negro by the name of Quash, who was by no means fond of working, and one day told his master he conceiv­ed it a hardship, "dat he poor negar man mus worke so hard, and massa do noting." You are mistaken Quash, my labour is more fatiguing than your's; I do head work, and your's is merely bodily exercise. This hint was sufficient for Quash. The next day he was ordered into the woods to procure fuel—but Quash staying longer than usual, the parson repaired to the woods to see what detained him—when behold! the first object that presented itself to his view was Quash astride on a large maple log in a pensive attitude. When he enquired the cause, Quash starting up and rubbing his midnight brow, oh! massa me—me have been do­ing head work.—Well let me hear what your head has done.—Suppose massa, dere be five pigeons on dis tree, and you take a gun and soot two of dem, how many dere be left? Why three, you old sinner.—No massa, dem toder tree fly away.

126. When Cromwell was in Scotland with his troops, he went out one morning to see the country, with only a few guards: A Scotch soldier coming, to make himself remarkable by doing some great deed, fired at him from behind a dyke; but having mis­sed [Page 44] his aim, Cromwell's guards were going to seize and kill him. "Let him alone," said Cromwell, no way discomposed, and darting a look at the fellow—"You lubberly rascal, if any of my sol­diers had missed such a mark, I would have tied him up to the halberds."

127. Voltaire being asked, which of his trage­dies he was most pleased with, replied, Olympia, "for the same reason," said he, "that a man is proud of having a child at seventy-five."

128. Voltaire was passionately fond of dates, sweet-oranges, and pomegranates. In the South of France, the orange being grafted on the pome­granate, acquires a fine colour: Voltaire would of­ten hold it up, and say, "This must have been the forbidden fruit."

129. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations: when they were introduced, they bowed, and he re­turned the compliment by bowing likewise; the mas­ter of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not have returned their salute, "O, I cry your mercy," said the pontiff, "I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners."

130. Colonel Bond, who had been one of king Charles the first's judges, died a day or two before Cromwell, and it was strongly reported every where, that the protector was dead; "No," said a gentle­man, who knew better, "he has only given Bond to the devil for his future appearance."

131. Lord Townshend, when young, being at the battle of Dettingen, as he was marching down pretty close to the enemy, was so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle,) that he took no notice of a drummer's head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases [Page 45] was not to think at all. "Oh! dear sir," says his lordship with great presence of mind, "you entire­ly mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seems to possess such a quantity of brains."

132. A gambler, being detected some years ago secreting a card, the company, in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of the window of a one pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. Meeting a friend sometime after, he loudly complain­ed of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do," says the wit, "why it is a plain case, never play so high again as long as you live."

133. Serjeant Davy being concerned in a cause which he wanted to put off a few days, asked lord Mansfield, when he would bring it on? "Friday next," says his lordship. "Will you consider, my lord, Friday next will be Good Friday!" "I do not care for that," says his lordship, "I shall sit on that day." "Well, my lord, to be sure you may do as you please; but if you do, I believe you will be the first judge who did business on Good Friday, since Pontius Pilate's time."

134. The celebrated mr. Whiston was a pensioner to queen Caroline, who sometimes admitted him to the honour of her conversation, and paid the pen­sion with her own hands. One day, she said to him, mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free speaker and honestly tell people of their faults: no one is with­out faults, and I wish you would tell me of mine; and she pressed him to do so. He was still upon the reserve, and she pressed him the more. Well, said he, since your majesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There are abundance of people who come out of the country every spring to London, and they all naturally desire to see the king and queen, and have not an opportunity of seeing your majesties so conveniently as at the chapel-royal: but these coun­try folks, who are not used to such things, when [Page 46] they see your majesty talking with the king, almost all the time of divine service, are perfectly astonish­ed, and depart with strange impressions into their res­pective countries, and make their reports there (let me tell you) not at all to your majesty's honour. I am sorry for it, answered the queen; I believe there may be too much truth in what you say: But pray, mr. Whiston, tell me of another fault. No, ma­dam, said he, let me see you mend this, before I tell you of another.

135. The death of mr. Holland, of Drury-lane theatre, who was the son of a baker at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him: being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the de­ceased, one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his re­turn to town, by way of alleviating his grief, he called in at a coffee-house, when Henry Woodward coming up to him, asked him if he had not been pay­ing his last compliments to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, "I have just seen him shoved into the family oven."

136. James the first, when he was duke of York, took it into his head to visit Milton, merely out of curiosity. In the course of their conversation, the duke asked Milton, "Whether he did not think the loss of his sight was a judgment upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the first?" The immortal bard made the following reply. "If your highness thinks, that the calamities which befall us here, are indications of the wrath of heaven; in what manner are we to account for the fate of the king, your father? The displeasure of heaven must, upon this supposition, have been much greater against him than me, for I have only lost my eyes; but he lost his head."

137. When madame Barré became the mistress of Louis XV. such an elevation, of one of her mean [Page 47] circumstances, necessarily became the topic of con­versation. Some young fellows talking this matter over one night at the English coffee-house in Paris, a gentleman present said, "he remembered her, when she was to be got for a six livre piece." "Very true, sir," says another, "but she is now risen to a Louis."

138. Dr. P. an Irish parson, and a remarkably ordinary man in his person, having a neat parsonage house very conveniently furnished, was one day shew­ing it to dr. Berkly, the celebrated bishop of Cloyne. "Well, my lord," says the doctor, after they had returned to the dining parlour, "you see what a nice marriage-trap I have got here." "Why, yes, doctor," says the bishop, looking him full in the face, "I see you have; but I am afraid you will not find a lady that will relish the bait."

139. The late excellent wit, counsellor Crips of Cork, who, from a very fine beau, dwindled into a mere sloven as he advanced in years, was invited by lady Doneraile to dinner at her country-house. Her ladyship, knowing his inattention to dress, told him in the card, that the first personages in the neighbourhood of Doneraile were to dine with her, and requested he would be very spruce on the occa­sion. But the request had no effect upon the coun­sellor; he appeared before her ladyship in an old rusty black coat and waist-coat, with a pair of greasy velvet breeches; which so disgusted her that she lec­tured him pretty smartly: "If I had not told you," says her ladyship, "in my card, that I expected a brilliant company to dinner, I should not be angry, but I remember I made it a particular request to see you decently dressed; instead of which this old coat (taking hold of it) is not fit for a beggar; and the front of your waistcoat begrimed with snuff, with the nastiest greasy velvet breeches I ever beheld: for shame, counsellor!" "Stop," says the wit; "my coat and waistcoat are old to be sure, and should be thrown aside; but my velvet breeches I have the ut­most veneration for,—they are an old pall I carry to cover a dead friend."

[Page 48] 140. When the distinguished duellist, George Ro­bert Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English ambassa­dor introduced him to the French king; prior to which introduction, the ambassador informed his ma­jesty, mr. Fitzgerald was a man of such a mighty prowess, that he had fought thirty duels, and be­haved equally brave and honourable in them all. "Then, I think," says the king with a smile, "this gentleman's life would make an admirable appendix to your renowned countryman's history, JACK the GIANT KILLER."

141. The whimsical and immortal author of Tristram Shandy, was married to mrs. Sterne on a Saturday morning: his parishoners had timely no­tice of this circumstance, and knowing he would preach the next morning at his parish church, and desirous at the same time of seeing the bride, they assembled in such crowds, that the church was full, before the bell was done tolling. The bride, as was expected, made her appearance, and the country folks indulged themselves with the usual observations, 'till Sterne mounted the pulpit; then every ear was ready to catch the words of his text, which turned out, to their astonishment, to be the following; "WE HAVE TOILED ALL NIGHT, AND HAVE CAUGHT NO FISH." The congregation looked at each other, some smiled, others stopped their mouths with their handkerchiefs to prevent them from laughing, while the old folks wore very serious faces, and thought the humourist a very odd [...] for a pulpit lec­turer: however, they attended to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, very instructive; and all went home very highly delighted with the text, but poor mrs. Sterne, who blushed down to the fin­ger's-ends every step of the way to her house.

142. The famous John Baptist Santeuil, the La­tin poet, being with a Parisian husband, who was la­menting the infidelities of his wife: "A mere flea­bite,' said the poet, "or less, as it is only an imagi­nary complaint; few die of it, and many live with it."

[Page 49] 143. Philips, the noted harlequin, was taken up in London on suspicion of debt, and dealt with the officer in the following manner: He first called for liquor in abundance, and treated all about him, to the no small joy of the bailiff, who was rejoiced to have a calf that bled so well, (as they term it.) Harlequin made the honest bailiff believe he had six dozen of wine ready packed up, which he would send for, to drink while in custody, and likewise al­low him six-pence a bottle for drinking it in his own chamber. Shoulderdab listened to the proposal with pleasure. The bailiff went to the place, as di­rected, and returned with joy, to hear that it was to be sent in the morning early. Accordingly it came by a porter, sweating under his load: the turn-key called to his master, and told him the porter and hamper were come in: very well, said he, then let nothing but the porter and hamper out. The por­ter performed his part very well: came heavily in with an empty hamper, and seemed to go lightly out, with Philips on his back. He was dishampered at an ale-house on the water side, crossed the Thames, and soon after embarked for Ireland. He was very fond of this trick, and would take pride in his project, which was contrived long before he was taken, to be ready on such an emergency.

144. Miss Hamilton, a maid of honour to the em­press Catharine, wife to Peter the Great, had an amour, which, at different times, produced three children. She had always pleaded sickness; but Peter, being suspicious, ordered his physician to attend her, who soon made the discovery. It also appeared that a sense of shame had triumphed over her humanity, and that the children had been put to death as soon as born.—Peter enquired if the father of them was privy to the murder; the lady insisted that he was innocent, for she had always deceived him, by pre­tending they were sent to nurse.—Justice now called upon the emperor to punish the offence. The lady [Page 50] was much beloved by the empress, who pleaded for her.—The amour was pardonable, but not the mur­der. Peter sent her to the castle, and went himself to visit her; and the fact being confessed, he pro­nounced her sentence with tears; telling her, that his duty, as a prince, and God's vicegerent, called on him for that justice which her crime had rendered indispensably necessary, and that she must, there­fore, prepare for death. He attended her also to the scaffold, where he embraced her with the utmost tenderness, mixed with sorrow; and some say, that when the head was struck off, he took it up by the ear, whilst the lips were still trembling, and kissed them: a circumstance of an extraordinary nature, and yet not incredible, considering the particulari­ties of his character.

145. The late David Hume, esq. lived in the now town of Edinburgh; between which and the old town, there is a communication by means of an elegant bridge over a swamp. Desirous one day to cut his way shorter, mr. Hume took it into his head to pass over a temporary one, which had been erect­ed for general accommodation, till the new one could be completed. Unfortunately, part of the temporary one gave way, and our illustrious philo­sopher found himself stuck in the mud. On hear­ing him call aloud for assistance, an old woman hastened to the spot, from whence the sound seemed to proceed; but perceiving who he was, refused giving him any help. "Why, (cried she) are you not Hume, the atheist?" "Oh no! no! no! (re­turned the philosopher) I am no atheist; indeed you mistake, good woman, you do indeed!" "Let me hear then (returned the woman) if you can say the belief."—Mr. Hume accordingly began the words, I believe in God, &c. and finished them with so much propriety, that the old woman, convinced of his christian education, charitably afforded him [Page 51] that relief, which otherwise she would have thought it a duty of religion to deny him.

146. The most wonderful anecdote, perhaps, in the world of letters, is the following. Milton, that glory of British literature, received not above ten pounds, at two different payments, for the copy of Paradise Lost; yet mr. Hoyle, author of the trea­tise on the game of whist, after having disposed of all the first impression, sold the copy to the book­sellers for two hundred guineas.

147. Dean Swift was invited to a gentleman's house, where at dinner he observed some beautiful children of his friend's; and on his looking eagerly round, as if he wanted something, was asked what he would have; to which he with too much ill-nature, if not insolence, replied, "I am looking to see which is the handsomest footman here," for the gentleman was remarkably deformed, and ordi­nary both in person and features. I heard a gentle­man observe, on this story being told, that he de­served to be kicked down stairs, had he been the archbishop of Canterbury; and indeed it is surpri­sing the gentleman had not spirit enough to do it.

148. Miss S—, one of the famous miss H—'s filles de joye, in dancing a masquerade at Carlisle-house, happened to trip and fall flat on her back;—Foote, who was in a domino, and near her, stooping to take her up, said, "never mind it, my pretty dear,—practice makes perfect."

149. The father of a boy who was very fond of his bed, coming into his bed-chamber one morn­ing seemingly angry at his sleeping so long, said, "the sun had been up above three hours."—"That's no great wonder, sir," said the boy, "if I had as many miles to travel to-day as the sun has, I would have risen as soon as he."

150. A certain new-created lord standing at a bookseller's shop, in London, a dissipated young nobleman, drove by in a remarkably high phaeton, [Page 52] with six as remarkable horses.—Struck with the tout-ensemble of such a groupe, his lordship asked, "what strange figure that was?"—"Oh, my lord," says Type, in the true family pronunciation, "that is the celebrated lord—, who has long figur­ed away in the walks of fashion and extravagance."—"Ah!" says the peer, "we have got strange kinds of lords now-a days."—"Indeed, my lord," repli­ed Type, without meaning to be pointed, "you may say that."

151. A military gentleman, coming to Foote in an elegant new phaeton, at parting desired Foote would come to the door just to look at it:—"'Tis a pret­ty thing," said the son of Mars, "and I have it on a new plan."—"Before I set my eyes on it," said Foote, "my dear friend, I'm afraid you have it on the old plan,—never to pay for it."

152. A certain preacher held forth at St. Mary's without giving his auditory any satisfaction. San­teuil, who was present, said, "he did better last year." A bystander asserted, he must be mistaken; for he had not preached last year. "That is the very reason," said the poet.

153. Santeuil having a confessional dress on, ei­ther to say vespers, or to muse upon some producti­on, a lady, who took him for a confessor, threw herself upon her knees, and recounted all her sins. The poet muttered something to himself, and the good penitent thinking he was reproaching her for her wickedness, hastened the conclusion of her con­fession; when she found the confessor quite silent, she then asked him for absolution. "What, do you take me for a priest?" said Santeuil, "Why then," said the lady, quite alarmed, "did you listen to me?" "And why,' replied Santeuil, "did you speak to me?" "I'll this instant go and complain of you to your prior," said the enraged female. "And I," said the poet, "am going to your husband to give him a full account of your conduct."

[Page 53] 154. Quin told lady Berkley that she looked blooming as the spring, but recollecting that the season was not then very promising, he added, I would to God, the spring would look like your lady­ship!

155. In the war in Flanders, when the earl of Stair was commander in chief, after a severe battle, which lasted from morning till evening, and ter­minated in favour of the British troops, a veteran soldier, excessively fatigued, was resting on his arms, and looking very grave; Lord Stair coming by, asked him why he looked so dull?—"Dull! your honour? I am not dull; I'm only thinking what a damned hard day's work I have done for a groat."

156. The late earl of Chatham who bore no good will to a certain physician, was rallying him one day about the inefficacy of his prescriptions. To which the doctor replied, "he defied any of his patients to find fault with him.—"I believe you," replied the witty earl, "for they are all dead."

157. The celebrated Sterne was walking with a friend in one of the streets of Westminster, on a very windy day. The gentleman observed he never saw a season so backward, for he did not reap half the corn he expected. At that instant, a garretteer gentleman who had just shaved himself, threw the contents of his chin, which were pretty large, out of the window, which, as the wind was very high, blew full in the gentleman's face. The witty au­thor smiled, and instantly observed, "If you have not reaped a plentiful harvest of corn, my good friend, some reaper, I see has favoured you with a plentiful harvest of beard."

158. A lady on being detected in an amour, re­quested her maid would keep it a secret, and if the other servants knew it, she begged she would bribe them to secresy, for which she gave her some gui­neas, saying at the same time, if her mamma heard of it, she was an undone woman; to which the girl [Page 54] smartly replied, that could not be, for her ladyship was an undone woman already.

159. Milton was asked by a friend, whether he would instruct his daughter in the different lan­guages? To which he replied, "no, sir, one tongue is sufficient for a woman."

160. A merchant in one of the back towns of Virginia, refusing to give a planter what he thought too high a price, for some country produce, the planter observed to him, that as he must load his waggons for Alexandria or Baltimore, he might safely venture to pay the price de­manded, supposing even he should gain ever so little by the bargain. "No," replied the merchant, "rather than submit to such an imposition, I'd load my waggons down empty."

161. A counsellor of Grenada having refused to pay the sum of one hundred pistoles for an image of St. Antonio de Padua, which Cano, a Spanish artist, had made for him. The counsellor astonished at the price demanded, began to compute how ma­ny pistoles per day Cano had earned whilst the work was in hand: you have been five and twenty days carving this image of St. Antonio, said the niggardly arithmetician, and the purchase money demanded being one hundred, you have rated your labour at the exorbitant rate of four pistoles per day, whilst I, who am a counsellor, and your superior, do not make half your profits by my talents!—Wretch, cried the enraged artist, to talk to me of your talents—I have been fifty years learning to make this image in twenty-five days, and so saying, he flung it with the utmost violence upon the pavement. The affrighted counsellor escaped out of the house, with the utmost precipitation, concluding that the man who was bold enough to demolish a saint, would have very little remorse in destroying a lawyer.

162. William Whiston dined with lady Jekyll, [Page 55] who, because she was sister to lord Somers, thought she must know more than other women. She asked him "why God Almighty made woman out of the rib?" Whiston scratched his head and said, "in­deed, madam, I don't know, except that the rib is the most crooked part of the body."

163. A young Swiss recruit, when his regimen­tals were making, had procured a round iron plate bordered with small holes, which he desired the taylor to fasten on the inside of his coat, above his left breast, to prevent his being shot through the heart: the taylor being a humorous fellow, fastened it in the seat of his breeches, and the cloaths being scarce on his back when he was ordered to march in­to the field, having no opportunity to have this aukward mistake rectified before he found himself engaged in battle, and being obliged to fly before the army, in endeavouring to get over a thorn hedge in his way, he unfortunately stuck fast till he was overtaken by a foe, who, on his coming up, gave him a push in the b—h with his bayonet, with no friendly design: but it luckily hit on the iron plate, and pushed the young soldier clear out of the hedge; this favourable circumstance made the Swiss honestly confess, that the taylor had more sense than himself, and knew better where his heart lay.

164. Oldys, the historian, having been for seve­ral years in the Fleet prison, had contracted such habits and connexions there, that when he was at length enlarged, he made it a frequent practice to spend his evenings there, and lodge with some friend all night. Rapping at the door one night rather late, the keeper reprimanded him for giving him such constant trouble, adding, that, though he had a great regard for him, yet if he kept such hours, he must be under the necessity of locking him out.

165. A gentleman of Gascoine who inherited two thousand crowns a year from his father, com­menced [Page 56] marquis at Paris, and being a gay volatile genius, soon got the better of his fortune, and was reduced to the lowest ebb of wretchedness. Yet, in the midst of it, he never lost his spirit and courage, or impotently repined at what was not to be reme­died: but with the small pittance he had left he purchased a mule, and turned water-carrier. Some­time afterwards, as he was trafficking his merchandize up and down the streets, he happened to meet two of his old companions, who would have avoided him for fear of giving him pain, at being caught in such an equipage. But he prevented them, sprung forward and saluted them with his usual freedom, and, when they seemed to pity his ill fortune, brisk­ly interrupted them by saying, that he had forty thousand crowns worth of water in the Seine, but for want of servants, he was obliged to sell it himself.

166. A painter kept at his house the portrait of a very black man, who had not paid him for it. Be­ing out of patience, he told him one day; "Sir if you don't take away your picture, the landlord of the blackamoor's head will have it."

167. The wife of a noble Venetian having seen her only son dying, abandoned herself to the most exquisite grief. A friar endeavoured to console her. "Remember Abraham, said he, whom God com­manded to plunge a dagger, with his own hands into his son's heart, and who obeyed without mur­muring." "Ah! father, (replied she with impe­tuosity) God never commanded such sacrifices to be made by a mother.

168. Dr. Pitcairn, who practised about fifty years ago, being called to a bricklayer on whom a chimney, which he had just erected, had fallen, finding the man dead, gravely turned round and repeated the follow­ing apposite quotation:—"Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord, for they rest from their labours, and their works follow them."

169. An officer, who little deserved the dignity, [Page 57] foreseeing and trembling at the dangers of a battle, requested of the Duc de Vendome, leave of absence to go and see his father who was ill. "Go, sir, go," says the duke, "obey the commandment—Honour your father and mother, that your days may be long."

170. Two young soldiers had deserted from the American army and returned to their father's house. Their father incensed at this action, loaded them with irons, and conducted them himself to their general, Lord Stirling. He did what every officer would have done in his place; he pardoned them. The father, as patriotic, but less austere than a Ro­man, was happy to preserve his children; neverthe­less he seemed astonished, and approaching the ge­neral—"My lord, (says he, with tears in his eyes) it is more than I hoped for."

171. A very fond wife, who had the good of her family greatly at heart, gave information against her husband for a highway robbery, in order to obtain the reward.

As he was going to be hanged, she came up and said to him, "my dear Bob, I hope you will forgive me, I did it all for the best: and as I knew you must be scragged one time or other, I thought your wife and children might as well benefit by your misfortune as a stranger—never seem to mind it, Bob—'tis well it is no worse."

172. A certain bishop Bluster, on his return to Oxford, from kissing hands at St. James's, happen­ed to espy a sign over the door of a beer-house, on which was painted the head of bishop Blaze.—The reverend prelate was so offended at the audacity of a tippling house landlord, in thus daring to prosti­tute clerical dignity, that he ordered the sign to be immediately taken down.—A wag of Trinity col­lege pasted the following lines in its room:

Two of a trade can ne'er agree,
No maxim e'er was juster;
They take down bishop Blaze you see,
And set up bishop Bluster.

[Page 58] 173. A country attorney happened to be at a ta­vern with an honest peasant, and was very facetious at the countryman's expense. They nevertheless agreed to try for a bottle of wine who could make the best rhyme. The lawyer enquired the peasant's occupation, who chearfully informed him he was a weaver, upon which the lawyer wrote these lines:

The world, though large, is but a span,
It takes nine weavers to make a man.

The weaver in his turn, enquired the lawyer's oc­cupation, and being informed, "I thought," said he, "you were of the law by the glibness of your tongue, but since you have rhymed about the world, so will I too," and then he wrote,

The world is wide, and full of evil,
And half a lawyer makes a devil.

174. A dispute which happened some time since about a box at the opera-house in Paris, occasioned a suit before the tribunal of the marechals of France: this tribunal receives complaints against military men upon affairs of honour, and in all cases in which military officers are accused of having behav­ed in a manner unbecoming gentlemen. A young clerical buck of distinguished birth, had taken one of the boxes at the opera-house. A marechal of France had set his heart upon the same box, and re­quested that the Abbé would resign it to him: this the latter peremptorily refused to do; upon which the marechal had recourse to violent measures, and took by force what he could not obtain by fair means. The Abbé, in order to obtain satisfaction for the affront that had been put upon him, lodged a complaint against the marechal, in the court of the marechals of France, and petitioned that he might be permitted to speak in person in support of his charge. The prayer of the petitioner was readily granted.—He began by expressing his high sense [Page 59] of the honour he enjoyed in being permitted to plead before so illustrious an assembly; at the same time that he felt uncommon concern that he had been obliged, in vindication of his own honour, to bring a charge against a person who had the honour of being a member of the court: he rejoiced, how­ever, when he reflected, that they were too just and too equitable to refuse him justice, even against one of their own brethren. He did not think proper at first to name the accused in his speech, but took an effectual way of mortifying the general, by shew­ing which of the marechals was not the accused, and by mentioning the most memorable exploits of each. "It is not, (said he) of marechal such-an-one that I complain; it is not of marechal Broglio, who so gloriously distinguished himself in the last German war; it is not marechal Clermont-Tonnerre, who has rendered his name so famous by the most mas­terly retreats; it is not marechal de Contades, so renowned for his victories; it is not marechal de Richelieu, who took Minorca: he of whom I com­plain, never took a place in his whole life but my box at the opera-house," and here he named the accused. The lords generals by no means expected so severe a conclusion; they were surprised, and at the same time not displeased at it: after a short deliberation they resolved that the Abbé had just grounds of com­plaint; but that the court, thinking he had ob­tained sufficient satisfaction by the turn he had given to his arguments, and the severe and witty conclusion of his speech, would not condemn the accused to any further punishment than he had alrea­dy suffered from the satirical turn of the accused.

175. A few nights since I was in company (says the writer) with a gentleman that was in the Road of Algiers some years ago, and was an eye and an ear witness to the following story. One day as some christian captives, who had been ransomed, were go­ing [Page 60] to be discharged, the town cruizers brought in a Swedish vessel; one of them hearing it was of that nation, and being from thence himself, was very desirous to see the crew, when to his great surprise he saw his own father (who was master of the ship) in the company: the son knew the father, but the father who had lost him when a youth, knew not his son, having long given him up as dead. The son discovered himself to the father, who embraced him with great tenderness: but the recollection of their situation soon interrupted their joy, and introduced lamentation and despair.—At length the young man addressed himself to his fa­ther in this manner: "The slavery you are going into, will be insupportable to you, and soon put an end to your life, the thoughts of which are worse than death to me. I have been here a great many years, and know the country, the people and their work; if they will accept of me in your room, I will go back into slavery, and you shall go home again:—I know if I should be able to raise friends, I shall be redeemed;—if not—God's will be done!" The Moors readily accepted the exchange; so the father returned to freedom and his home, and the son to toil and slavery. A memorable instance of filial piety.

176. A lady of high quality, and a relation of one who had the story from her own mouth, having been married some years, but never having bore her lord a child, was surprised one morning by a visit from lord Chesterfield, whom she had frequently seen and conversed with at court. After the usual compliments had passed, his lordship, in that easy gay stile which he so strongly recommends to his son, gave her to understand that he should be happy to form such a connexion with her ladyship, as it was more than probable might give being to an heir to the honours and possessions of that noble family [Page 61] into which she had matched. I will not attempt to describe the indignation which the lady felt at such an unexampled instance of impudence as the propo­sal indicated. She rose from her chair, and with all the dignity of insulted modesty, commanded this well-bred lover, this minion of the graces, to quit her house, with this menace, "Think yourself well off, my lord, that for this affront I do not or­der my servants to push you headlong out of doors."

177. A Swiss captain burying pell-mell in the field of battle, the dead and the wounded, it was represented to him that some of those whom he thus buried were not quite dead, and with care might perhaps recover. "Poh! poh!" said he, "if you take their word for it, there is not a man of 'em, will own himself dead."

178. An ignorant fellow maintained in company that the sun did not turn round the world; how then, said one present, does it happen, that he sets at west, and rises again at east, unless he passes un­der the globe?—Why, replied he, the sun returns the same way that he came: but the reason why we don't observe it, is that he goes back in the dark.

179. A man of approved integrity being nomina­ted by a king, to an honourable and lucrative em­ployment, which he had not solicited, repaired to court to thank his majesty, for this unexpected pro­motion. You need not thank me, said the king: it was not for your sake I did this, but for the good of my subjects; and, you should never have had the employment, if I thought there was a better man than you in my whole dominions.

180. A governor of Virginia being saluted by a negro in the streets of Williamsburg, and immedi­ately returning the salute, "how," said a gentle­man, "do you demean yourself so far as to salute a slave?"—"Undoubtedly," answered the governor, [Page 62] "I should be very sorry if a slave were to surpass me in civility."

181. An attorney having a dispute with an old officer, who had lost an eye in the wars, forgot him­self so far, as to reproach him with that misfor­tune, and call him blinkard. "'Tis true," said the veteran, very coolly, "I am a blinkard, but yet I can see better than you: for with my single naked eye I can see a knave in this room; whereas you, with both your eyes cannot see him, till you look into the glass."

182. An Indian sachem being in London, was asked whether his subjects were free? Why not? said he, since I myself am free, tho' their king.

183. A German bishop went to Rome in hopes of obtaining from the Pope the honour of a cardi­nal's hat. Being disappointed, he returned to his diocese, where complaining one day of a head-ach, which he had contracted on the road, No wonder, said a bye-stander, that his grace is so ill, since he travelled from Rome to Germany without a hat.

184. A gentleman just married, telling Foote, he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his dear wife. Faith, sir, says the wit, I see you are no hypocrite, for she is truly your dear wife.

185. A person bought a pair of horns and brought them home; his wife asked what he meant? he said to hang his hat on. Good lord, says she, cannot you keep your hat on your own head?

186. A soldier being ordered by monsieur de Vauban to watch the enemy's motions in a particu­lar spot, repaired to the post, and there remained a considerable time, notwithstanding repeated shots from the enemy, one of which went through his body. When ordered back, he returned very delibe­rately; and, though nearly exhausted with loss of blood, gave a circumstantial account of every thing he had observed. The general, pleased with his behaviour, offered him a purse of money, which [Page 63] the brave fellow declined, saying, no, sir, that would spoil the whole business.

187. Lord Strangford, who stammered so much, was telling a bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam's ass spoke, because he was pri—est—"priest-rid, sir," said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the chair, my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam could not speak himself; and so his ass spoke for him.

188. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to dr. Busby, the doctor is said to have strut­ted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor with great humili­ty, thus addressed him: Sire, I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.

189. A Jew had a servant, who, having a rela­tion lately dead, as usual neglected shaving—"Ephraim, why do you not shave?" was the ma­ster's interrogation; "my relation is dead, sir, and you know Moses commanded"—"Moses commanded!" do not tell me about Moses. I say if Moses com­manded any such thing, he was a very slovenly fellow."

190. A sailor being on deck, one windy morn­ing, a sudden gust of wind took him into the sea; but putting out ropes, he regained the deck; his captain sympathized with him, observing he had had but an indifferent breakfast; not so bad, re­plied the mate, for you must allow he has had a good duck.

191. A nobleman having presented king Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew goes and examines his tail; What are you [Page 64] doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows, one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

192. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; says the last, that bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, says the other, for it is Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

193. A thief being brought to be executed, a friend asked him if he was not sorry for having com­mitted the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.

194. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse shoe, and stuck it into his girdle: shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.

195. As a country gentleman in London was reading a newspaper in a coffee-house, he said to a friend who sat next him, I have been looking some time to see what the ministry are about, but I cannot find where those articles are put, not being used to the London papers.—Look among the robberies, repli­ed the other.

196. It was an annual custom with dr. Johnson's bookseller, whose name I have forgotten, to invite his authors to dine with him, and it was upon this oc­casion that dr. Johnson, and dr. Rose, of Chiswick, met; when a dispute happened on the pre-eminency of the Scotch and English writers. In the course of conversation, dr. Warburton's name was menti­oned, when dr. Rose observed what a proud imperi­ous person he was—Dr. Johnson answered, sir, so he was, but he possessed more learning than has been imported from Scotland since the days of Buchanan. [Page 65] Dr. Rose, after enumerating a great many Scotch authors, whom Johnson treated with contempt, said, What think you of David Hume, sir?—Ha! a dei­stical scribbling fellow, Rose. Well, be it so: but what say you to lord Bute? Johnson with a surly wow, wow, said, I did not know that he ever wrote any thing, Rose—No! I think he has written one line that has out-done any that Shakespeare, or Milton, or any one else, ever wrote, Johnson—Pray what was that, sir?—Why it was when he wrote an order for your pension. Johnson, quite confounded, said, Why that was a very fine line to be sure, sir. Upon which, the rest of the company got up, and laughed, and halloed till the room was in a roar.

197. A certain smatterer in letters, took it into his head to abuse with great freedom all the modern literati, observing that there was very little wit, humour or learning in the present age. Some time after a wit came into the room, when a gentleman told him how his friend had been abusing the mo­derns. I have not the least doubt of his ill-nature, says the wit, so he would the ancients too, by G—d, if he knew their names.

198. Alexander the Great, seeing Diogenes, looking attentively at a large collection of hu­man bones, piled one upon another, asked the philo­sopher what he was looking for? "I am searching," says Diogenes, "for the bones of your father, but I cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves."

199. Beau Nash took a hack one night at Tem­ple Bar, and bade the man drive to Berkeley-square. The fellow, who had been wishing for the usual time of his going home, swore, as he was mounting the box, that he should be glad to drive his fare to hell. Do you consider, said Nash, when they were come to Berkeley-square, that if you had driven me to hell, as you said just now you should be glad to do, you must have gone there yourself. You mistake, sir, replied the fellow, for I should have backed you in.

[Page 66] 200. Quin, having had an invitation from a noble­man, who was reputed to keep a very elegant table, to dine with him; and having no manner of aversion to a good repast, he accordingly waited on his lord­ship, but found the regale far from answering his expectation—Upon his taking leave, the servants, who were very numerous, had ranged themselves in the hall. Quin finding that if he gave to each of them, it would amount to a pretty large sum, asked, Which was the cook? who readily answered, Me, sir. He then enquired for the butler, who was as quick in replying as the other; when he said to the first—Here is half a crown for my eating—and to the other—Here is five shillings for my wine; but by G—, gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner for the money in my life.

201. The late Jonas Hanway having hired a coachman, was telling him the duty he required, concluding, you will attend with the rest of my fa­mily every evening at prayers. Prayers, sir! says the descendant of Jehu: Why did you never say your prayers? asked mr. Hanway. I never lived in a praying family, replied the coachman. But have you any objection to say your prayers? No, sir, I have no objection, but hope you will consider it in my wages.

202. One evening when the passengers got into a stage coach, in a country town in England, they found that one of the corners had been some time occupied by a man who seemed to be asleep, with his hands folded before him, and his hat drawn over his face. The other five passengers, after some time, entered into conversation, and observed that this man still slept on, and took no notice of any thing that was either said or done. In this manner they travelled all night. In the morning at breakfast time, one of his fellow travellers civilly addressed him, and desired he would accompany them, but no answer being returned, they left him to his medita­tions. [Page 67] After breakfast, when the coachman had swallowed a glass or two of brandy, one of the gen­tlemen said to him, you have put along with us a very sulky fellow, for he will neither enter into conversa­tion, or answer when spoken to. I should wonder if he did, replied the coachman, as he was hung two days ago for horse stealing, and is now going up to a surgeon in London.

203. A lawyer and his clerk riding on the road, the clerk desired to know what was the chief point of the law? His master said, if he would promise to pay for their suppers that night, he would tell him; which was agreed to. Why then, said the master, good witnesses are the chief points in law. When they came to the inn, the master bespoke a couple of fowls for supper,; and when they had supped, told the clerk to pay for them, according to agreement. O, sir, says he, where is your good witness?

204. Dr. Graham being on his stage in a country town, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people, that he had come there for the good of the people, and not for want. Then, speaking to his merry Andrew,—Andrew, says he, do we come for want? No, faith, sir, says Andrew, we have enough of that at home; besides, continued he, my master has a very great estate, but that is neither here nor there.

205. During the late war, a gentleman in Lon­don observed, that the very women in England were able to beat back the French, if they should at­tempt an invasion of that country; a naval gentle­man immediately jumped up, and striking his fist a­gainst the table, cried, Right, my boy! damme if I doubt it, and I hope to see the day that some of the monsieurs shall receive a sound drubbing, from a British ship manned with women.

206. A gentleman who had a numerous family, observing once at a table, that thank God he could [Page 68] digest any thing; another asked him how he digest­ed his ten children? O, sir, said the gentleman, I bring them up.

207. A humourist asked a citizen whether he would sooner kiss a pretty girl, or partak [...] of a good feast? The citizen honestly replied, that he should prefer the latter. To which the wag archly rejoined, I never thought you a man of the ton before, but I find now that you have more taste than feeling.

208. A man having a scolding wife, he swore he would drown himself; she followed him, and desired him to forbear, at least to let her speak with him. Speak quickly then, said he. Pray, husband, if you will needs drown yourself, pray take my council, to go into a deep place, for it will grieve my heart to see you a long time dying.

209. A physician's horse being out of order, he sent him to the farrier to be cured, which being done, the doctor went to pay him. No, said the farrier, We doctors never take any money one of ano­ther.

210. A gentleman who possesses a small estate in Gloucestershire, in England, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and told him he was very much re­joiced at the event. But pray, sir, said he, where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, said he, sir; I secured it last night, as you, sir, have cured me of higher ambition.

211. An honest Jack Tar being at a quaker's meeting, heard the friend that was holding forth speak with great emotion, against the ill consequence of giving the lie in conversation, and therefore, he advised, when a man was telling a tale, that was not consistent with truth or probability, to cry twang, [Page 69] which would not irritate the passions as the lie would. After digressing into the story of the great miracle of five thousand being fed with five loaves of bread, &c. he told them that they were not such loaves as are used now, but were as big as a mountain; at the hearing of which, the tar uttered with a loud voice, twang! What, says the quaker, dost thou think I lie, friend? No, says Jack, but I am thinking how big the ovens were that baked them.

212. The late general Elbert of Georgia, having burst a blood vessel, thought it necessary to em­ploy another physician, to consult with the gentle­man who usually attended him. After they had considered his situation, "Well, gentlemen, (said he) what do you think of me?" "We are sorry to inform you, that if you continue to bleed as you have done for some time past; you cannot hold out above six hours longer." This answer would have had an awful effect on most men, but to one whose life had always been spent in acts of charity, and hospitality, it only produced this reply, "If I am so soon to die, 'tis no small alleviation to your intelligence, that I shall die like a soldier." He died in about five hours after.

213. Dr. Hough, bishop of Worcester, in Eng­land, was remarkable for his sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which the following story affords a proof. A young gentle­man, whose family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England before he went abroad, called to pay his respects [...] lordship as he passed by his seat in the count [...] happened to be dinner-time, and the room [...] company. The bishop however received [...] much familiarity, but the servant in reaching [...] chair, threw down a curious weather [...] cost twenty guineas, and broke it. [...] was under infinite concern, and began [...] servant, and made an apology for [...] [Page 70] occasion of the accident; when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him, Be under no concern, sir, said his lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it. We have had a very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain. I never saw the glass so low in my life. Every body was pleased with the humour and pleasantry of the turn; and the more so, as his lordship was then turned of eighty, a time of life when the infirmities of old age make most men peevish and hasty.

214. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any view of preferment, found an opportu­nity of preaching in Worcester cathedral, when dr. Hough was bishop of that see; the curate made a most excellent discourse, in which he discovered greater abilities than was usually found in the com­mon run of young clergymen. The bishop, who was present, and had remarked him, sent, after ser­vice was over, his verger, with a message, desiring to know of the young gentleman his name, and where his living was? My duty to his lordship, sir, said he to the verger, and tell him, my name is Lewis; that living I have none, but my starving is in Wales. His lordship was not displeased with the humour of his answer, and in a short time remem­bered to provide for him.

215. Dean Swift having preached an assize ser­mon in Ireland, was afterwards invited to dine with the judges, and having in his discourse considered [...] and abuse of the law, he had bore a little [...] those counsellors who plead causes which [...] in their consciences to be wrong; when [...] over and the glass began to go round, [...] who happened to be present, took [...] retort upon the dean, and after many [...] both sides, the counsellor at last asked [...] were to die, whether a parson might [...] money, to preach his funeral sermon? [...] and I would gladly be the man, for I [Page 71] would then give the devil his due, as I have this day his children.

216. The vicar of Bray, in Berkshire, being a catholic under the reign of Henry VIII. and a pro­testant under Edward VI. a catholic again under queen Mary, and a protestant in the reign of queen Elizabeth, was reproached as the scandal of his gown, by turning from one religion to another; "I cannot help that;" replied the vicar, "but if I changed my religion, I am sure I have kept true to my principle, which is, to live and die the vicar of Bray."

217. Le Sac, a famous French dancing master, in the reign of queen Anne, in great admiration asked a friend, whether it were true that mr. Harley, afterwards earl of Oxford, was made an earl and lord treasurer? and finding it confirmed, said, Well, I wonder what the devil the queen could see in him? for I attended him two years, and he was the greatest dance that ever I taught.

218. Dean Swift, having dined one day at a lord mayor's feast in. Dublin, was teized by an opulent boisterous, half-intoxicated squire, who happened to sit next to him: he bore the aukward raillery for some time, and then on a sudden called out in a loud voice to the mayor, My lord, here is one of your bears upon my shoulder, I desire you will order him to be taken off.

219. In the reign of Edward IV. a citizen of London, who lived at the sign of the crown, was convicted of high treason for saying in a jocular manner, He would make his son heir to the crown.

220. King James I. being apt to talk to his cour­tiers in time of divine service, bishop Laud, one Sunday, when he knew his majesty was in high good humour, made a full stop in his sermon as of­ten as he perceived the king in discourse. His ma­jesty asking him after service the occasion of it—the bishop told him, he could not think it consistent with [Page 72] good manners to interrupt his majesty's conversation.—Then, good faith, said the king, I'll be even with you, I'll ne mair interrupt your lordship's sermon.

221. Lewis XIV. of France, during queen Anne's war, made use of a very politic stratagem to recruit his army after its being almost ruined by the siege of Turin, the battle of Ramillies, and the relief of Barcelona. It happened to be a time of prodigious scarcity, and therefore his majesty issued out money, and sent ships to Egypt, Syria, Con­stantinople, and other places where corn was cheap, and filled his magazines, and while his generals were surprised that he issued no orders about levies, he only commanded them to take care that his soldiers should have plenty of bread, and to publish it every where that it was his majesty's strict orders. Upon this the poor starving peasants ran every where to the officers, and listed so fast, that, though they wanted eighty thousand men, the army was filled up without any expense for levies, besides twenty new regiments by way of augmentation.

222. Captain Clarke, trafficking on the coast of Africa, went up the country, where he was intro­duced to a Moorish king, who being taken with the polite behaviour of the captain, put such confi­dence in him as to entrust him with his son, about eighteen years of age, and another sprightly youth of quality, to be brought up in England. The captain received them with great civility, but base­ly sold them for slaves. Shortly after he died, and on the ship's return home, the officers related the whole affair; on which the government sent to pay their ransom, and they were brought to England and put under the care of the earl of Halifax, who gave orders for cloathing and educating them in a very genteel manner; after which they were intro­duced to his majesty, richly dressed, who received them graciously and made them handsome presents. On the first of February, 49, they went to Covent-Garden [Page 73] theatre to see the tragedy of Oroonoko, where, on seeing persons of their own colour on the stage, apparently in the same distress from which they had been so lately delivered, the tender inter­view between Imoinda and Oroonoko, who was be­trayed by the treachery of a captain, his account of his sufferings, and the repeated abuse of his placabi­lity and confidence, so strongly affected the young prince, that he was forced to retire at the end of the fourth act. His companion staid, but wept the whole time, which attracted the eyes of the whole audience.

223. The late lord Courtney, who was of one of the oldest families in Britain, being married to a miss Clack, who was much inferior in point of birth, a conversation took place (at which the late bishop of Exeter was present) on the disparity of the match. "What's your objection?" says the bishop to a lady who took the principal lead in the conversation. "Want of family, my lord"—"Want of family," echoed the bishop, "why I'll prove her of a better family than his lordship.—He perhaps may trace his ancestors as far back as the conquest, but the family of the Clacks are as old as Eve."

224. Dean Swift being once travelling through England on foot, came to a market town one even­ing, where he proposed putting up for the night. As there had been a fair the preceding day, the town was crowded with strangers, and it was not without the utmost difficulty he at last procured a lodging in a miserable inn, upon condition a country farmer should be his bed-fellow. The dean, it is well known, could never endure a bed-fellow, but upon this occasion thought proper to conceal his chagrin, and trust to some lucky thought to rid himself of the farmer's company. After they had been some time in bed to­gether, the farmer began to talk, informing his com­panion that he had made some pretty clev [...] bargains that day in some purchase at vendue—" [...] or my­self," [Page 74] said the dean, in a hoarse hollow voice, "I must confess I have had but very indifferent luck, not having tucked up above seven this assizes."—"Why, what business do you follow?" cried the farmer, "I am the hangman of the next county," replied the dean. "You the hangman," shrieked the country­man in a fright. "Yes," said the dean, "and ex­pect to hang nine more next Saturday at Tyburn, one of whom is to be drawn and quartered." The fel­low waited for no further reply, but flew out of the bed with the violence of a man in fits, burst open the door, tumbled down stairs in the dark, and awak­ed the landlord with the noise, who demanded what was the matter.—"Matter,' cried the farmer, "by all the devils in hell, I have been put to bed with the hangman, and never discovered it till this instant; is this the way you use strangers; for God's sake open the door and let me get into the street." The landlord thinking him mad, turned him out into the street without breeches or coat, and the dean was left to enjoy the success of his contrivance.

225. Dr. Johnson being engaged by mr. Osborne, a bookseller, to translate a work of some consequence, he thought it a respect which he owed his own talents, as well as the credit of his employer, to be as cir­cumspect in the performance of it as possible. In con­sequence of which, the work went on (agreeably to Osborne's ideas, who measured most things by the facility with which they were done) rather slowly: accordingly he frequently spoke to dr. Johnson of this circumstance; and being a man of a coarse mind, sometimes by his expressions, made him feel the situation of dependence. Dr. Johnson, however, seemed to take no notice of him, but went on according to that plan he had prescribed to himself. Osborne, wishing to have the book out to answer some temporary purpose, and perhaps irritated by what he thought an ignorant delay, one day went into the room where dr. Johnson was, and abused him in the most illiberal manner: amongst other things he told [Page 75] him ‘he had been much mistaken in his man; that he was recommended to him as a good scholar, and a ready hand; but he doubted both: for that Tom such-a-one of the Old Baily (if he could rely on his sobriety) would have turned out the work much sooner, and that being the case, the probability was, that by this here time, the edition would have moved off.

Dr. Johnson heard him for some time unmoved; but, at last, losing all patience, he seized up a huge folio, which he was at that time consulting, and aim­ing a blow at the bookseller's head, succeeded so forci­bly, as to send him sprawling to the floor: Osborne alarmed the family with his cries; but, dr. Johnson, clapping his foot on his breast, would not let him stir, till he had exposed him in that situation; and then left him with this triumphant expression:

‘Lie there, thou son of dullness, ignorance, and obscurity!’

226. The late duke of York going one morning to visit the king of England, appeared in very low spi­rits, which occasioned his majesty to ask what ailed him, and why he was so gloomy? "I am gloomy (replied the duke) because I owe money which I can­not pay." "Owe money you cannot pay—not much I suppose?" "'Tis more than I have, howe­ver, (said the duke) for I have not any." The king took out his pocket book and put into his brother's hands a bit of paper, which the other unfolded, and read aloud, as follows: "The governor and company of the bank of England, pay to the bearer two thou­sand pounds!" he got up and marched with a military air, flourishing the paper in his hand, to the door singing,

God save great George our king,
Long live our noble king;
May he be victorious,
Happy and glorious," &c.

[Page 76] 227. James Boswell, requested of his father, the lord president, his opinion; of the immortal dr. John­son, and whether he did not think him a "perfect con­stellation in the literary hemisphere"—"Yes, my son, said he, emphatically, "he is—the ursa major, the great bear."

228. The late mr. M. paid his devoirs to a lady, already prepossessed in favour of a mr. Psalter; her partiality being evident in favour of the latter, the former took occasion to ask, in a room full of com­pany, "Pray, miss, how far have you got in your Psalter?"—"As far, as blessed is the man."

229. A young Indian missionary, at a catacheti­cal lecture, demanded of a tawny princess, "How many commands there were?"—"Nine, sir," "What! have not I learnt you ten?"—"Yes, mr. Minister, and last night you learnt me to break one."

230. A famous punster, giving his opinion res­pecting the stone chapel, at Boston, observed it was superior to all the churches upon the globe; they boasted of their cannons—this, in addition had port holes—alluding to the smallness of the windows.

231. A mr. Wyman who was famed for nothing but his stupidity and indolence, as he was going from home one day, was desired by his wife, not to be gone so much—"She was afraid to be left alone"—"Po," said he, "Noug [...]t is never in danger"—"I know that," said she, "but Nought's wife is."

232. As a pretty large number of culprits were one day going to take their last degree at Tyburn, the wife of one of them pressed through the crowd, and told the sheriff she had come to see her poor hus­band executed, and begged "that he might be hang­ed first in the morning, as she had a great way to go home."

233. The late earl of Stair was one of the first characters of the age, and not more celebrated for polite accomplishments than for magnificence, gene­rosity, and military talents. When a messenger brought the late king's letter for him to take the com­mand [Page 77] of the army, he had only ten pounds in the house. He sent expresses for the gentlemen of his own family, shewed the king's letter, and desired them to find money to carry him to London. They asked him how much he wanted, and when they should bring it? his answer was, "the more the bet­ter, and the sooner the better." They brought him three thousand guineas. The circumstance came to the late king's ears, who expressed to his ministers the uneasiness he felt at lord Stair's difficulties in mo­ney-matters. One proposed that the king should make him a present of a sum of money when he ar­rived. Another said, lord Stair was so high spirited, that if he was offered money, he would run back to his own country, and they should lose their general. A third suggested, that to save his delicacy, the king should give him six commissions of cornets to dispose of, which, at the time, sold for a thousand pounds a-piece. The king liked this idea best, and gave the commissions blank to lord Stair, saying, they were intended to pay for his journey and equi­page. But in going from court to his own house, he gave all the six away.

234. When lord Stair was ambassador at Paris, during the regency, he gave orders to his coachman to give way to nobody except the king; meaning that an English ambassador should take the pass, even of the regent, but without naming him. The host was seen coming down a street through which the coach passed. Col. Young, who was master of the horse, rode to the window of the coach, and asked lord Stair, if he would be pleased to give way to God Almighty? He answered, "by all means, but to none else;" and then stepping out of the coach, paid res­pect to the religion of the country in which he was, and kneeled in a very dirty street.

235. Louis XIV. was told, that lord Stair was one of the best bred men in Europe. "I shall soon put him to the tell," said the king; and asking lord Stair [Page 78] to take an airing with him, as soon as the door of the coach was opened, he bade him pass and go in: the other bowed and obeyed. The king said, "the world is in the right in the character it gives: ano­ther person would have troubled me with ceremony."

236. During the rebellion in the year 1745, the clan of Glenco were quartered near the house of lord S [...]ir. The pretender being afraid they would re­member, that the warrant for the massacre of their clan had been signed by the earl's father, sent a guard to protect the house. The clan quitted the rebel ar­my, and were returning home: the pretender sent to know their reason. Their answer was, that they had been affronted; and when asked what the affront was, they said, "the greatest of any; for they had been suspected of being capable of visiting the injuries of the father upon the innocent and brave son."

237. An old offender, who had frequently escap­ed the punishment due to his crimes, was condemned to death at Norfolk, in England. Being asked why he had engaged and persisted in a course of life so dangerous? For the same reason, said he, that peo­ple run the hazards of commerce—I have had many chances of making considerable profits; many in which I never was discovered; several in which, tho' discovered, I was [...] taken—when I was taken, I had many chances of [...] convicted; and even con­victed and sentenced [...] I now am, there is still a chance that I may not be hanged.

238. One very cold day in winter, the count de—visited his friend the chevalier de—who, to a ridiculous passion for being thought a great poet, add­ed the tedious folly of reading his verses to every one who had the misfortune to fall in his way. The che­valier immediately took the count into a chamber, apart from the company, in order to read a very long poem he had newly composed; having got through the performance, he asked the count his opinion of it. My dear friend, said the count, shivering with cold, [Page 79] (for there was no fire in the chamber,) if there had been more fire in your verses, or more of your verses in the fire, I should not suffer as I now do.

239. The following is an account of the courage­ous behaviour of one Gillet, a French quarter-mas­ter, who going home to his friends, had the good fortune to save the life of a young woman, attacked by two ruffians. He fell upon them, sabre in hand, unlocked the jaw of the first villain, who held a dagger to her breast, and at one stroke pared the nails of the other, (who was armed with a pistol) just above the wrist. Money was offered by the grate­ful parents; he refused it; they offered him their daughter, a young girl of 16, in marriage; the ve­teran, then in his 73d year, declined, saying, "Do you think that I have rescued her from instant death, to put her to a lingering one, by coupling so lively a body with one worn out with age?"

240. A French officer at a general review before the king, dans la plaine des Sablon [...] in Paris, while he was running on horseback through the ranks, hap­pened to let his hat fall on the ground; a soldier picking it up with a drawn sword, made a hole into it, which put the officer in such a violent passion, that he declared he would sooner have the sword through his guts than his hat. His majesty hearing this st [...]ange declaration, asked him the reason: "Why," said he, "there is a surgeon of my acquaintance, who, I am sure, would give me credit; but I know of no hatter that will."

241. The abbé Gaglioni sent to Benedict XIV. at the desire of that pontiff, a box filled with the natu­ral curiosities of Mount Vesuvius. The box was ac­companied with a letter which contained nothing more than these words of the Evangelist. "Com­mand that stones shall become bread" The pope explained his meaning by sending him a brief for a pension, to which he subjoined these words in his own hand-writing.—"You have faith, I perceive, in the [Page 80] infallibility of the sovereign pontiff, of which I now send you a fresh proof. It belongs to me to expound the holy writ, in doing which I ought always to at­tend to the spirit of the scripture, and I never ex­plained it with more pleasure than on this occasion."

242. Mr. Helvetius had a secretary named Baudot, who had known him from his infancy: and presumed from this circumstance to treat him with as much rude familiarity as a four preceptor would treat his pupil. One of the chief pleasures of this captious and ill-tempered man, was to censure the conduct, the ge­nius, the character and the works of this mild and in­dulgent philosopher. His strictures were always con­cluded with severe and personal satire. Having once attended with great patience to the railings of Bau­dot, he went to his lady, one of the most virtuous and amiable women in the world, and said, "Madam Helvetius, can it be possible that I have all the faults Baudot finds in me:"—"Surely not," said ma­dam Helvetius, "Nevertheless, I have some," re­plied he, "and who will tell me of them, if I should turn away Baudot."

243. Dr. William Lyons, who was preferred to the bishoprick of Cork, C [...]oyne, and Ross, towards the latter end of queen Elizabeth's reign, was origi­nally a captain of a ship, who had distinguished him­self so gallantly in several actions with the Spaniards, that on being introduced to the queen, she told him he should have the first vacancy that offered.

The honest captain, who understood the queen li­terally, soon after hearing of a vacancy in the see of Cork, immediately set out for court, and claimed the royal promise.—The queen, astonished at the request, for a time remonstrated against the impropriety of it, and what she could never think of as an office suitable to for him. It was, however, in vain; he said, the royal word was passed; and he relied on it. Her ma­jesty then said, she would take a few days to consider of it, when, examining into his character, and finding [Page 81] him a sober, moral man, as well as an intrepid com­mander, she sent for Lyons, and gave him the bishop­rick, saying at the same time, "she hoped he would take as good care of the church as he had done of the state.

Lyons immediately set out for his bishopric, which he enjoyed for above twenty years with great reputation to himself, but never attempted to preach but once, and that was on the death of his royal mis­tress, and accordingly he mounted the pulpit in Christ Church, in the city of Cork, when after giving a good discourse on the uncertainty of life, and the great and amiable qualities of the queen, he conclu­ded in the following warm but whimsical manner:

"Let those who feel this loss, deplore with me on this melancholy occasion; but if there be any that hear me who have secretly wished for this event (as perhaps there may) they have now got their wish, and the [...] do them good with it."

244. Two up [...]arts, who, in the time of the rump parliament, were made commissioners for examining the malignant church of England ministers, had one brought before them of a very black visage, who hav­ing been surprised and hurried before th [...]se scandalous magistrates in all that forlornness, of dress and figure which he assumed, the better to lie concealed, the first question that one of the rumpers asked him was, Friend, are you not a tinker? Yes, I am, replied the poor devoted parson; and hearing you have a brazen face, if you please to admit of my assistance, I will en­deavour to mend it for you. One of these judges, who was a wretch as crooked in mind as in body, incensed at this repartee, and ready to burst with fury and froth, How dare you, says he, answer thus rudely to a magistrate? You have a mind to shew your imperti­nence, but you shall be well rewarded mith a habitati­on in the lofty pile of Newgate.—I thank God, repli­ed the parson, smartly, I can walk upright there, [Page 82] which is more than you can do when you come thither. The other who seemed a good-natured sort of a ras­cal, laughed loud, on hearing his partner thus roasted and fretted: Come, brother, said he, ne­ver let us make a man sorrow who has made us merry; this man has too much wit to have any criminal stock of malice; so cooled the rage of his brother AEsop, and, instead of sending the man of God to Newgate, de­tained him to dinner, and afterwards enjoyed the pleasure and improvement of his company and con­versation.

245. A country inn-keeper engaged a painter, to paint the sign of the bear. The painter asked him whether he would have him, with, or without a chain? "Without a chain," quoth he, "as the cheapest." The agreement being made, the painter drew the bear in water-colours, so that after a few rainy days, the bear disappeared. Hereupon the innkeeper taxing the painter with foul play, "If you had given me more money," replied he, "I would have put a chain on him: and then, my life for it, he never could have run away."

24. Soon after lord Chesterfield came into the privy council, a place of great trust happened to be­come vacant, to which the king and the duke of Dorset recommended two very different persons. His majesty espoused the interest of his friend with some heat, and told them, He would be obeyed; but not be­ing able to succeed, he left the council-chamber in great displeasure. As soon as he retired, the matter was debated warmly, but at length, it was carried against the king, because if they once gave him his way, he would expect it again, and so it would rise at length to a precedent. However, in the humour his majesty was then in, a question arose, who would carry the grant of the office for his majesty to sign? and the lo [...] fell upon lord Chesterfield. His lordship expect­ed to find his majesty in a very unfavourable mood; and accordingly it happened so; wherefore he pru­dently [Page 83] forebore to incense him by an abrupt request; and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the instrument, very submissively asked whose name his majesty would be pleased to have inserted, to fill up the blanks?—The king answered in a passion, The devil's, if you will. Very well, replied his lordship; but would your ma­jesty have the instrument run in the usual style, Our trusty and well beloved cousin and counsellor? The king laughed, and with all the good-nature in the world set his name to the paper, though to promote a per­son not very acceptable to himself.

247. A gentleman and his man riding into the country, they met a fellow astride upon a cow. The man calls out to his master, O, sir, says he, yonder is a strange sight! a fellow is on horseback on a cow. That's a bull, said the gentleman. Nay, sir, said the man, it is not a bull, I know it is a cow by its teats.

248. A Virginian farmer, happening to be at Nor­folk, soon after the arrival of a vessel from Ireland, and observing that some Irish potatoes, which she had brought over, were sold at a good price, resolved to take advantage of this circumstance. Accordingly on his return home, he collected all the eggs, that could be found within ten miles of his plantation; and bringing them to Norfolk on the next market day, strongly recommended them to his customers, as fine fresh eggs, just imported from Ireland.

249. The great general Ponsonby, some days be­fore he went to Fontenoy, was walking through a coffee-house in London, pairing his nails. An ill-bred country 'squire being present, said, "that is a clever fellow; but he smells of the potatoes." An Irish waiter, who attended, came up to the general, and told him what the other had said. Upon which general Ponsonby came up to him, and asked him if he had said that he smelled of potatoes? The 'squire with some hesitation, at length owned that he said so; upon which the general took him by the nose, [Page 84] and cut off a piece of it, with the pen-knife he had in his hand, saying you scoundrel, you shall never smell potatoes or any thing else again.

250. A young negro wench of colonel Mason's in Maryland, began to breed very early, and had at the first a black child. In less than twelve months af­ter, she was delivered of twins, a mulatto girl and a negro boy. Though born at one time, they were believed in the family to be the children of different fathers, as, besides her negro husband, it was well known, that her overseer, a white man, called Tho­mas Phim, kept company with her, to the no small uneasiness of her black husband. But the appearance of the children was a proof stronger than any wit­nesses; for Austin, the boy, was as black a negro as could be seen, and had short, curled, woolly hair, and in every other respect was like other negroes; but Sarah was remarkably white, with blue eyes, and long, black hair, that reached to her waist. The mother being asked the reason of this difference, in the colour of her children, replied, she had looked at pealed reeds in the water, and that, she believed, had made her children black and white.

251. Henry Carey, first cousin to queen Elizabeth, used frequently to attend her majesty in her palace, and was thought very acceptable to her, till a trifling accident happened, by which he forfeited her favour. He was one day walking in a thoughtful mood, in the garden before her window; when her majesty, thinking to divert his melancholy, said to him in Italian, what does a man think of when he thinks of nothing at all? On a woman's promise, replied he.—"Cousin," said the queen, "I must not confute you," and so retired. Soliciting afterwards the honour of a peerage, and being denied, he laid the disappoint­ment so much to heart, that he languished for a long time on a sick bed, and at length died of a broken heart.

[Page 85] 252. A gentleman met another in the street, who was ill of a consumption, and accosted him thus—"Ah! my friend, you walk exceedingly slow"—"Yes (replied the sick man) but I am going very fast."

253. A wag putting a number of horns into a basket, went about crying, "new fruit in the winter season." A gentleman hearing him, (whose wife by the way, is not accounted a Dian) asked to see some of his fruit. On its being shewn him, he exclaimed, "You rascal! who, do you think, wants to buy horns?" "O sir, replied the wit, "though you are provided, I may meet with some who are not."

254. When doctor Samuel Johnson made the tour of Scotland, in 1773, he was admitted, speciali gratia, into the fraternity of sages, known at Edin­burgh by the title of the Physico-Theological Socie­ty. The conversation, as usual, turned upon a very abstruse point of metaphysicks, viz. Whether a man would accept of existence by choice, or whe­ther the Deity, to carry on the present system of things, must not compel him to existence by neces­sity? After many hours speech in the most subtle and acute refinements of logic, the whole company turned their eyes on the doctor, and requested to hear his sentiments. His answer was couched in his usual cynical strain. "For my part, I think the so­lution of the question ultimately depends on the single circumstance, of considering under what de­nomination of country the supposed subject for ex­istence was to be discriminated. If he was to be an Englishman, he would exist by choice; if a Scotch­man, by necessity.

255. Doctor Johnson, and mr. Boswell, dining one day at lady Macleod's, the former was helped to some green peas, which were esteemed a rarity for the season; having eaten what was first laid on his plate, lady Macleod offered to help him a second [Page 86] time. "Pshaw, madam, (says the doctor) surely they are only food for hogs"—"It is for that very reason, sir, that I help you," replied her ladyship.

256. Dr. Johnson coming up Fleet-street, at about two o'clock in the morning, was alarmed by a person seemingly in great distress. He followed the voice for some time, when, by the glimmer of an expiring lamp, he perceived an unhappy female, al­most naked, and perishing on a truss of straw, who had just strength enough to tell him, "she was turn­ed out by an inhuman landlord in that condition, and to beg his charitable assistance not to let her die in the street." The doctor, melted at this story, desi­red her to place her confidence in God, for that under him he would be her protector. He accord­ingly looked out for a coach to put her into; but there was none to be had: his charity however, was too strong to be cooled by such an accident. He kneeled down by her side, raised her in his arms, wrapped his great coat about her, placed her on his back, and in this condition carried her home to his house.

Next day her disorder appearing to be venereal, he was advised to abandon her; but he replied, "that may be as much her misfortune as her fault; I am determined to give her the chance of a reformation;" he accordingly kept her in his house above thirteen weeks, where she was regularly attended by a physi­cian, who recovered her.

The doctor, during this time learned more of her story, and finding her to be one of those unhappy women, who are impelled to this miserable life more from necessity than inclination, he set on foot a sub­scription, and established her in a milliner's shop in the country, where she was living some years ago in very considerable repute.

257. A lady, not remarkable for the purity of her conduct in the matrimonial line, was extremely di­verted [Page 87] one day by the manner in which a girl ac­costed her—"I have something, madam, (said she) that will take a deep stain out of any thing, and make such change, you would hardly believe your own eyes."

"Indeed, (says the lady with a sarcastical smile) if that is the case child, you will soon get a fortune in more than one place, I assure you. If you can get stains out of characters as well as out of clothes, you will rise higher in fame than a balloon. Here and there, it is true, we may meet with a stained coat, or gown, but stained characters swarm in all parts."

"With your leave, then, madam, (said the girl, making a low courtsey) I will begin with yours."

258. It is recorded of Julius Caesar, that long before the conspiracy against him, of which Cassius and Brutus were the ringleaders, he had warning given him of his death, by many evident presages, but particularly by a certain astrologer, who by the planetary configurations had foreseen some imminent danger to threaten him on the day of the Ides of March, (i. e. the 15th of that month.) Caesar was himself an astronomer, as appears by his correct­ing the calendar, which till his time was very erro­neous; but he seems to have entertained the utmost contempt of the art of divination; for on that day, Caesar meeting the astrologer as he was going to the senate-house, merrily rallied him on his ides of March. They are come, 'tis true, said the venerable old father, but they are not yet past.—In a few hours after, he was stabbed with twenty three wounds, and giving only one groan, expired.

259. The reverend Basil Kennet was once chap­lain in a ship of war, and as his place was to mess with his brother officers, he found they were so ad­dicted to the impious and nonsensical vice of swear­ing, that he thought it not becoming his character [Page 88] to continue any longer among them, unless he could prevail upon them to leave it off; but conceiving at the same time that any grave remonstrance would have but little effect, he bethought himself of a stratagem which might answer his purpose. One of the company having entertained the rest with a story agreeable enough in itself, but so interrupted and perplexed with damme! blood and wounds! and such like shocking expletives as made it extremely ridi­culous;—Mr. Kennet then began a story himself, which he made very entertaining and instructive, but interlarded it with the words, bottle, pot and glass, at every sentence. The gentleman who was the most given to the silly vice, fell a laughing at mr. Kennet with an air of great contempt. Why, said he, G—d d—me doctor, us to your story it is well enough; but what the d—l have we to do with your d—d bottle pot, and glass? Mr. Kennet very calmly replied, sir, I find you can observe what is ridiculous in me, which you cannot discover in yourself; and therefore you ought not to be offended at my expletives in discourse, any more than your own.—Oh! oh! d—me parson, I smoke you, you shall not hear me swear another oath, whilst I am in your company—nor did he.

260. Mr. Savage, the poet, was once desired by sir Richard Steel, with an air of the utmost import­ance, to come very early to his house the next morn­ing; mr. Savage came as he had promised, found the chariot at the door, and sir Richard waiting rea­dy to go into it. What was intended, and whither they were to go, Savage could not conjecture, and was not willing to enquire, but immediately seated himself with sir Richard; the coachman was ordered to drive, and they hurried with the utmost expedition to Hyde-Park-Corner, where they stop­ped at a petty tavern, and retired to a private room. Sir Richard then informed him, that he intended to publish a pamphlet, and that he had desired him to [Page 89] come hither, that he might write for him. They soon sat down to the work: sir Richard dictated, and Savage wrote, till the dinner that had been order­ed was put upon the table. Savage was surprised at the meanness of the entertainment; and, after some hesitation, ventured to ask for some wine, which sir Richard, not without reluctance, ordered to be brought. They then finished their dinner, and pro­ceeded in their pamphlet, which they concluded in the afternoon. Mr. Savage then imagined his task over, and expected that sir Richard would call for the reckoning, and return home: but his expecta­tions deceived him; for sir Richard told him that he was without money, and that the pamphlet must be sold, before the dinner could be paid for; and Sa­vage was therefore obliged to go and offer their new production for sale for two guineas, which with some difficulty he obtained. Sir Richard then re­turned home, having retired that day, only to avoid his creditors, and composed the pamphlet, only to discharge his reckoning.

261. During the protectorship of Oliver Crom­well, a design was formed for re-establishing the Jews, with full liberty to carry on trade, and exer­cise their religion; but though this affair met with violent opposition from the heads of the different sectaries, yet Oliver so far carried his point, as to encourage a small body of them to settle in their old quarter, under the direction of Mannasseh Ben-Israel, a great rabbi, who soon built a synagogue and publicly performed divine worship. The intel­ligence which the protector received, from time to time, by means of the extensive correspondence and close amity every where maintained throughout the universe among the scattered remains of the Jewish nation, contributed not a little to the success of his enterprizes abroad, and particularly to that of his naval expeditions; an instance of which is some­where [Page 90] upon record, and thus related: As the earl of Orrery was once walking with Cromwell in one of the galleries at Whitehall, a man almost in rags ap­peared in view; upon which Cromwell immediately left the earl, and took that person with him into his closet, who told him of a great sum of money that the Spaniards were sending over in a Dutch man of war, to pay their army in Flanders; and also the very part of the ship where the money was deposited. The protector then immediately sent an express to Smith (afterwards sir Jeremy Smith) who lay in the Downs, informing him that, within a day or two, such a Dutch ship would pass the channel, which he must search for the Spanish money. Accordingly, when the ship passed by Dover, Smith sent, and de­manded leave to search her. The Dutch captain replied, That none but his masters should search him. Upon which Smith sent him word again, that he had set up an hour glass, and if he did not submit to the search before it was run out, he would sink him. The Dutchman seeing it was in vain to contend with su­perior force, submitted in time; and so all the mo­ney was found. The next time Cromwell saw lord Orrery, he told him, he had his intelligence from that seemingly forlorn Jew, he saw him go to some days be­fore.

262. Sir Richard Steel having one day invited to his house a great number of persons of the first quality, they were surprised at the number of live­ries which surrounded the table; and after dinner when wine and mirth had set them free from the ob­servation of rigid ceremony, one of them enquired of sir Richard, how such an expensive train of dome­stics could be consistent with his fortune? Sir Richard very frankly confessed that they were fel­lows, of whom he would very willingly be rid; and being then asked, why he did not discharge them? he declared that they were bailiffs, who had introduced themselves with an execution; and whom, since he could [Page 91] not send them away, he had thought it convenient to embellish with liveries, that they might do him credit while they staid. His friends were diverted with the expedient, and by paying the debt, discharged their attendance; having obliged sir Richard to promise that they should never again find him graced with a retinue of the same kind.

263. When the Essay on Man was first published, it came out in parts, and without a name. A little after the appearance of the first, mr. Morris, who attempted some things in the poetical way, particu­larly a piece for music, which was performed in pri­vate before some of the royal family, accidentally paid a visit to mr. Pope, who, after the first civili­ties were over, enquired of him what news there was in the learned world; and what new pieces were brought to light? Morris replied, that there was little or nothing; or at least little or nothing worth notice: that there was indeed a thing come out called an Essay on Man, the first epistle, threatening more, for he had read it, and it was a most abomi­nable piece of stuff, shocking poetry, unsufferable philosophy, no coherence, no connexion at all. If I had thought (continued he) that you had not seen it, I would have brought it with me. Upon this mr. Pope frankly told him, ‘that he had seen it before it went to press, for it was his own writing, a work of years, and the poetry such as he thought proper for the expression of the sub­ject; on which side he did not imagine it would ever have been attacked, especially by any man pretending to knowledge in the harmony of num­bers’ This was like a clap of thunder to the mistaken bard: he reached his hat, and with a blush and a bow, took his leave of mr. Pope, and never more ventured to shew his unlucky face there a­gain.

264. When the army of Lewis XIV. of France was encamped in Flanders during his war with the [Page 92] confederates, the king used sometimes to reside at the head-quarters himself. It happened, that a very fine horse, which he had lately purchased, was ex­ercised before his tent, and among others who had gathered round to see him, was a corporal, who hav­ing been that afternoon too free with aqua vitae, was become as great a man as his majesty. He had strolled up to the spot, and getting within the cir­cle, put himself into an attitude of consequence, and after having some time made his observations with the air of a profound connoisseur, he thrusts a quid of tobacco into his mouth, and swore it was as fine a creature as ever he saw, and as well broke; then tottering up to the groom who had been riding it, and was just dismounted, asked him who was the owner: at this moment the king came out from his tent, and overhearing the corporal's question, with whom he had already been diverted, told him cour­teously, that the horse was his: the corporal made his majesty a slight compliment by moving his hat, and then setting his arms akimbo, told him, that his reason for asking was, that he had taken a liking to the horse and was inclined to buy him. The king said, he had no intention to sell him, but if it would oblige him he would treat with him on the same spot the next morning. The corporal, thrusting out his hand, cried, a match; to which the king con­sented, and rode off, giving private orders that no punishment should be inflicted upon the corporal, but that he should be brought before him the next morning. In the morning, when the poor fellow was told what had passed, and conducted to the king's tent, he was seized by a dreadful panic, lest his insolence and drunkenness might cost him his life. Into the presence, however, he was carried; and the king, who intended only some sport, asked him, if he was the man that would last night have bought his horse? No, an't please your majesty, says the fellow, that man went away at three o'clock this [Page 93] morning. Did he so? said the king (who under­stood that at three o'clock, sleep had substituted a sober man for one that was drunk) I am very glad that I have got so sensible and decent a person as you are in his stead, and I hope he will never come back; for if I see him, I shall certainly resent his behaviour. So the corporal was dismissed without further reprehension.

265. It is recorded, to the honour of the famous duke of Orleans, who was regent of France during the minority of the late king, that when a man was hired to murder him, and he by his spies pro­cured intelligence of it, instead of endeavouring to defeat the design, he gave orders that the man should be admitted to him. Accordingly he was suffered to pass into the duke's bed chamber one morning early, on pretence of business from the queen. As soon as the duke cast his eyes on him, he spoke thus: ‘I know thy business, friend, thou art sent to take away my life. What hurt have I done thee? It is now in my power, with a word, to have thee cut to pieces before my face. But I pardon thee, go thy way and see my face no more.’ The gentleman, stung with his own guilt, and astonished at the excellent nature of this prince, fell on his knees, confessed his design, and who employed him; but fearing to tarry in France, he immediately de­parted the kingdom, and entered himself into the service of the king of Spain.

266. Killigrew, was a man of very great humour and frequently diverted king Charles II. by his lively spirit of mirth and drollery. He was frequently at court, and had often access to king Charles, when admission was denied to the first peers in the realm. Amongst many other merry stories, the following is related of Killigrew. Charles II. who hated busi­ness as much as he loved pleasure, would often disap­point the council by withdrawing his royal presence when they were met, by which their business was necessarily delayed, and many of the council much [Page 94] offended at the disrespect shewn to them. It hap­pened one day when the council were met, and had sat some time in expectation of his majesty, that the duke of Lauderdale, who was a furious ungoverna­ble man, quitted the room in a passion, and accident­ally met with Killigrew, to whom he expressed him­self irreverently of the king: Killigrew bid his grace be calm, for he would lay a wager of a hun­dred pounds, that he would make his majesty come to council in less than half an hour. Lauderdale being a little heated, and under the influence of surprise, took him at his word; Killigrew went to the king, and without ceremony told him what had happened; and added, ‘I know your majesty hates Lauderdale, though the necessity of your affairs, obliges you to behave civilly to him; now if you would get rid of a man you hate, come to the council, for Lauderdale is a man so boundlessly avaricious, that rather than pay the hundred pounds lost in this wager, he will hang himself, and never plague you any more.’ The king was pleased with the archness of this observation, and answered, then Killigrew, I'll positively go; which he did.

267. The bishop of Soissons in France, who valu­ed himself on the politeness of his address, and was remarkable for never having uttered a rude expression, was once, by an indiscretion, guilty of a piece of rudeness, sufficient to make his good breeding be called in question: and which shews the precaution that is necessary to be used in speaking to strangers. This prelate was at court, where observing a lady, who was extremely corpulent, talking to the queen, and at the other end of the room a very genteel youth of a very promising appearance, both of whom were utter strangers to him, he addressed him­self to the young gentleman, and with a soft insinu­ating air, after some compliments, asked him if he knew who that Fat Sow was, who was in discourse with her majesty? Yes, my lord, replied the youth, [Page 95] with great modesty; that Sow is the ambassadress of Sweden, and mother to the little pig who has the honour to speak to your lordship. At this answer the bishop was struck with confusion, and humbly begged pardon, adding, that he could not help feeling the greatest esteem for a person, who had with such mildness re­buked him for his brutality.

268. Sir Charles Wager, was seized with a fever while he was out upon a cruize; and the surgeon without much difficulty prevailed upon him to lose a little blood, and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by-and-by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which sir Charles also consented; the symptoms then abated, and the surgeon told him, that he must now swallow a few bolusses and take a draught: No doctor, says sir Charles, you shall batter my bulk as long as you will, but, d—n me! you shan't board me.

269. The emperor Charles V. having one day lost his way a hunting in a forest, and being pretty far distant from his company, found himself, after wan­dering about some time, near an inn, which he en­tered to refresh himself Being seated, he saw four men, whose appearance boded him no good; however, he took no notice, but called for what he wanted. These men at first were lying down and pretended to sleep. But one soon rose up, and approaching the emperor, told him, that he had dreamt he ought to take away his hat, and in saying so snatched it from him. A second then came to him, saying he had dreamt that his sourtout would fit him very well, and took that from him. A third cast his eye upon his buff jacket, and stript him of it. The fourth dreamt likewise in his turn, and tells the prince not to take it amiss, if he gave himself the trouble to search him, and seeing a gold chain about his neck, to which hung a flagelet, he went to take it from him: slay, my friend, said the [Page 96] emperor to him, before you rob me of this dear little toy, suffer me to shew you the properties of it, and at the same time he began to whistle. His attendants who h [...] sought for him throughout the forest, hap­pily arrived near the inn, and on hearing the sound, went in, and were much surprized to see him in that condition. "Because," said the emperor, on seeing them, "this set of people—have dreamt just what they pleased, I too am disposed to dream in my turn; and having dosed a little, he said to his attendants, I have dreamt that those gentlemen, the dreamers, all four deserve the gallows; and it is my will that it be fulfilled immediately." They accordingly hang­ed them all four directly opposite the inn.

270. The late prince of Wales having a mind to divert himself incog, went to see a bull-baiting near Hockley in the hole. The bull (being good game) gave a great deal of sport, and foiled every dog that attacked him.—At last, old Towzer, whose owner (a butcher) stood close to the prince, fairly pinned the bull—at which the butcher in the joy of his heart, gave his royal highness a swinging clap on the back, saying at the same time, G—d d—n your blood, mr. Prince, if that is not my dog.

END OF THE FIRST PART.

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