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A DIALOGUE, BETWEEN A Southern Delegate, AND HIS SPOUSE, ON HIS RETURN FROM The Grand Continental Congress.
A FRAGMENT, INSCRIBED To the MARRIED LADIES of America, By their most sincere, And affectionate Friend, And Servant, MARY V. V.
Printed in the Year M, DCC, LXXIV.
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A DIALOGUE, &c.
WIFE.
—IN less than a Year,
Mark me Sir, you'll repent of't, as sure as you're there.
HUSBAND.
Pray, for God's Sake, my Dear, be a little discreet;
As I hope to be sav'd, you'll alarm the whole Street;
Don't delight so in scolding yourself out of Breath;
To the Neighbours 'tis Sport, but to me it is Death.
[Page 4]I submit for Peace sake, to be led by the Nose;
Don't make the World think that we're come to Blows:
If once but a Crotchet in your Head you have got,
For your Husband's Advice, Ma'm, you care not a Groat.
There are many wise People, I'd have you to know,
Who often have ask'd it, and have follow'd it too:
If I speak but a Word, you rave like a Fury,
The Patience of Job, Madam, wou'dn't, cou'dn't endure ye:
Had I a Million of Sons, Ah! by the Lord Harry,
I'd advise every one of them never to marry.
WIFE.
Call the Doctor!—by this unusual Palaver,
I fear thou'st been bit, you so foam and so slaver:
Alas! never,—ah!—never, elect him again;
This pride of Delegation, turns many a Brain.
HUSBAND.
You mistook me, my Dear, I did not pretend,
Every Measure of Congress, right or wrong to defend;
[Page 5]Many Things they've left undone, they shou'd surely have done,
Many Things they have done, they shou'd have sure let alone:
The — Suffolk — Approbation,
—
England — d—m—n
—
Nice Discussions, a wise Man will ever decline,
When his Head and his Heart are o'er heated with Wine:
Men, when drunk, are all Heroes, all prudent, all gallant;
Stark Fools, become Sages; rank Cowards, grow valiant:
High Matters of State should be plann'd before Dinner;
A Saint in the Morn, is at Night oft a Sinner:
But grant their Resolves were more absurd than they are,
Could you really expect your meek Husband would dare
Oppose such a Torrent, when [...] well known,
He dares not say to your Face, his Soul is his own.
WIFE.
God bless us, and keep us! why, my Dearest, till now,
I ne'er heard you so wise, or so witty, I vow;
[Page 6]I protest this same Congress's a very fine School;
A Man comes back a Chatham, who went there a Fool.
HUSBAND.
You're afraid to hear all, but for once I will speak,
Wherever I am known, I am call'd Jerry Sneak;
I bear, for all that, with your Caprice, and your Tricks,
But prithee, Dear, dabble not in our Politics.
WIFE.
Prithee! ha, ha, ha, Prithee! my Senator grave!
Sir! I'll make you repent of that Speech, to your Grave;
Why had'st not said, KNOW THEN, like the mighty Congress,
I presume you'd a Hand in that civil Address:
Indeed, my sweet Sir, when you treat with your Betters,
You should mind how you speak, and how you write Letters.
HUSBAND.
That Horse-laugh is all feign'd, with much better Grace,
You know Ma'm, you cou'd hit me a Slap in the Face:
[Page 7]Consider, my Dear, you're a Woman of Fashion,
'Tis really indecent to be in such Passion;
Mind thy Houshold-Affairs, teach thy Children to read,
And never, Dear, with Politics, trouble thy Head.
WIFE.
Good Lord! how magnanimous! I fear Child thou'rt drunk,
Dost thou think thyself, Deary, a Cromwel, or Monck?
Dost thou think that wise Nature meant thy shallow Pate,
To digest the important Affairs of a State?
Thou born! thou! the Machine of an Empire to wield?
Art thou wise in Debate? Shoud'st feel bold in the Field?
If thou'st Wisdom to manage Tobacco, and Slave,
It's as much as God ever design'd thee to have:
Because Men are Males, are they all Politicians?
Why then I presume they're Divines and Physician▪
And born all with Talents every Station to fill,
Noble Proofs you've given! no doubt, of your Skill:
[Page 8]Wou'd! instead of Delegates, they'd sent Delegates Wives;
Heavens! we cou'dn't have bungled it so for our Lives!
If you had even consulted the Boys of a School,
Believe me, Love, you cou'd not have play'd so the Fool.
Wou'd it bluster, and frighten, its own poor dear Wife,
As the Congress does England! quite out of her Life?
HUSBAND.
This same Congress, my Dear, much disturbeth thy Rest,
God and Men ask no more, than that Men do their best;
'Tis their Fate, not their Crimes, if they've little Pretence,
To your most transcendent Penetration and Sense;
'Tis great Pity, I grant, they had'nt ask'd the Advice
Of a Judge of Affairs, so profound, and so nice;
You're so patient, so cool so monstrous eloquent,
Next Congress, my Empress, sha'l be made President.
WIFE.
[Page 9]I have said it, my Dear, and I'll say it again,
That your famous Congress were a strange set of men:
To you, my dear Love, I may be sometimes too pert,
But then, you know well, Dear, it is but for a Spirt:
Tho' I do now, and then, take the Freedom, to glance,
At your Dreams, and your Visions, I mind the main Chance;
Regard your true Interest, your Health, and your Ease,
And am ever dispos'd, to do just, as you please▪
Sometimes, to be sure, it is not quite convenient,
But since I swore t' obey, I'm always obedient;
I defy you, to say now; you can't for your Life,
That I'm not, at the Bottom, a very good Wife:
Could I see you in Prison, or hang'd, without Pain?
Then, pray, have not I reason enough to complain?
HUSBAND.
Psha! for God's Sake, what Hazard of that do I run?
WIFE.
[Page 10]Psha, on, but beware, Dear, that you are not undone;
'Twou'd soon break my Heart, tho' we do now and then jar,
Were you ruin'd, or taken, or killed in War.
From the Love I bear you, and our dear Girls and Boys,
I have examin'd this Book, that makes so much Noise:
Without seeing thro' Mill-stones, its soon understood,
As sure as you are born, this will at last end in Blood:
[...] Cabal, which the high sovereign Power defies,
No matter whether prompted, by Truth, or by Lies;
No Matter for us, whether without, or with Reason,
In Law, they say's deem'd, little short, of High Treason.
Three thousand Miles distant, we may crow and exult,
But can you hope, any State, will bear such Insult.
To your high mighty Congress, the Members were sent,
To lay all our Complaints, before Parliament;
Usurpation rear'd its head, from that fatal Hour,
You resolv'd, you enacted, like a sovereign Pow'r.
[Page 11]Acts, tho' not enjoin'd, on Pain of Gibbets, and Flames,
Disobey'd, at the Price, of our Fortunes, and Fames.
Your Non-Imports, and Exports, are full fraught with Ruin,
Of thousands, and thousands, the utter Undoing:
While, without daring to bite, you're shewing your Teeth,
You've contriv'd to starve, all the poor People to death.
Into all that's most sacred, you've made mad Inroad,
Morocco itself, wou'd be asham'd, of your Code.
Pretty Sovereigns, in truth! God help us, what Things!
To make deep Politicians, or Statesmen, or Kings?
If Philadelphia or York, propos'd some wise Plan,
From that very Moment, you all branded the Man
— of Sense and of Honour—derive
—Carpenters-Hall— alive
— murder or rob
— Pieces —Mob.
Instead of imploring, their Justice, or Pity,
You treat Parliament, like a Pack, of Banditti;
[Page 12]Instead of Addresses, fram'd on Truth, and on Reason,
They breathe nothing, but Insult, Rebellion, and Treason;
Instead of attempting, our Interests to further,
You bring down, on our Heads▪ Perdition, and Murder.
When I think how these Things must infallibly end,
I am distracted with Fear, and my Hair stands an end.
HUSBAND.
Youv'e been, heating your Brain, With Romances, and Plays,
Such Rant, and Bombast, I never heard in my Days.
WIFE.
Were your new-fangled Doctrines, as modest, and true,
'Twou'd be well for yourselves, and this poor Country too:
But supposing Great-Britain, quite out, of the Case,
And you all should be sav'd, by some high Act, of Grace;
Lets return to ourselves, if you've Eyes, you will see
Your Association, big with rank Tyranny.
Its hardly worth ones while, to show Indignation
[Page 13]At that foolish Bugbear, your Non-Importation;
For Men do so hunger, and so thirst, after Pelf.
That when thousands are starv'd, 'twill blow up, of itself.
You have read a great deal,—with patient Reflection,
Consider one Moment, your Courts of Inspection:
Could the Inquisition, Venice, Rome, or Japan,
Have devised, so horrid, so wicked a Plan?
In all the Records, of the most slavish Nation,
You'll not find an Instance, of such Usurpation.
If Spirits infernal, for dire Vengeance design'd,
Had been nam'd Delegates, to afflict Human kind,
And in Grand Continental Congress, had resolv'd,
"Let the Bonds of social Bliss, be from henceforth dissolved,"
They could not have plann'd, with more exquisite Skill,
Nor have found, a tame Race, more submiss to their Will.
Let Fools, Pedants, and Husbands, continue to hate
The Advice of us Women, and call it all Prate:
[Page 14]Whilst you are in Danger, by your good Leave, my Dear,
Both by Night and by Day, I will ring in your Ear—
Make your Peace:—Fear the King:—The Parliament fear.
Oh! my Country! remember, that a Woman unknown,
Cry'd aloud,—like Cassandra, in Oracular Tone,
Repent! or you are forever, forever undone.
FINIS.