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THE PAXTONIADE. A POEM.
BY CHRISTOPHER GYMNAST, Esqr
With the Prolegomena and Exercitations of SCRIBLERUS.
PRINTED in the Year, 1764.
[Page 3]
THE PREFACE.
Most courteous Reader;
AS our learned and much respected Friend, Christopher Gymnast, Esqr hath to us transmitted an Euphemic Poem, setting forth in Manner most ample, the heroique Actions of a Number of his worthy Countryman, and with all becoming Modesty, of the same desired our hyperritical Opinion; BE IT KNOWN therefore, that WE, having especial Regard, as well to that laudable Spirit, which hath extimulated our good Friend, to rescue from the Iron Jaws of Obscurity such Praeclara facinora, such Deeds of more than Cervantique-Heroism, as that most eximious Manner, in which he hath executed a Purpose, so kind and generous, have thought proper to recommend, to thy Notice these benevolent Exercitations of our learned Friend. And if, gentle Reader, thy Heart is delectated with seeing Merit meet its just Reward, which we have no Reason to scruple, we doubt not, but this little Tract will to thy Paecordium administer abundant Delectation. Amice Lector, vale.
SCRIBLERUS.
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WHEN Peace with the Indans was almost concluded,
And the life-mowing Sword, which was very much blooded,
Tir'd out with hard Labor, and hewing down men,
Was like to be put in its Scabard again;
Some Lads, of whose Courage no Mortal can doubt,
Who's Brav'ry and Valor admits no Dispute,
Having long liv'd in Paxton, and had many Swingings
From merciless, savage, and barbarous Indians,
Straitway did resolve! 'fore the Land was at ease,
And all our affairs were in quiet and Peace,
To leave their houses, their wives, and Peas-porridge,
And give a remarkable proof of their Courage:
A proof, which without farther harshing or mincing,
Might be to the world most full and convincing.
Tho' some, we confess, do most strongly suspect,
(And they're men of good Sense and sound Intelect)
That their Revd. S—d—n set them to Work,
To promote the advantage and good of the K—k;
Knowing wisely that if a thing's well intended,
No matter by what evil means 'tis defended.
But as learn'd Commentators have not yet decided,
Whether K—k or their Valor in Council presided;
We leave it, as many before us have done,
And by your good leave, gentle Reader, Go on.
RESOLVING therefore, as before I was saying,
Their Plan to perform without farther delaying;
In a num'rous Assembly they fix'd on and chose
Two well-gifted men, of their spiritual house;
Who, fill'd up to the Brim with internal Lights,
Might guide and direct them in dark foggy Nights;
Which Lights, for some reasons most obvious and plain,
Are apparent to none but their own Bretheren.
They chose these two men to direct in the work,
Who'd been Elders for thirty long Years of the K—k;
[Page 5] The one hight O'Haro, the other O'Rigan,
Who fear'd neither Turk, Jew, Christian, or Pagan:
Whom tho' on Account of some unhappy flaws
In their outward behavior, the hard-hearted Laws
Had sentenc'd, to seek in these western Plantations
A better reception and kind habitations;
Notwithstanding I say this cruel rejection,
Yet still for the K—k they retain'd their affection;
And by her instructions were most fitly train'd
To perform with eclat, such a glorious Command.
As hawks that are wont less birds to infest,
And bare home the prey to the young in their nest,
Teach them in their turn the birds to invade,
And depend for support on the very same trade.
*THIS being done with nimble speed,
O'Haro mounted on his Steed,
(Descendant of that self-same Ass,
That bore his Grandsire Hudib [...]s.)
And from that same exalted Station,
Pronounc'd an hortory Oration:
For he was cunning as a fox,
Had read o'er Calvin and Dan Nox;
A man of most profound Discerning
Well vers'd in P—n Learnig.
So after heming thrice, to clear
His Throat, and banish thoughts of fear;
And of the mob obtaining Silence,
He thus went on—'Dear Sirs, awhile since,
[Page 6] "Ye know as how the indian Rabble
"With practices, unwarrantable
"Did come upon our quiet Borders,
"And there commit most desperate murders;
"Did tomhawk, butcher, wound and cripple,
"With cruel Rage, the Lord's own People;
"Did war most implacable wage
"With God's own chosen heritage:
"Did from our Brethren take their lives,
"And kill our Children, kine and Wives,
"Now, Sirs, I ween it is but right,
"That we upon these Cananites,
"Without delay should Vengeance take,
"Both for our own, and the K—k's sake:
"Should totally destroy the heathen,
"And never till we've kill'd 'em leave 'em;—
"Destroy them quite frae out the Land;—
"And for it we have God's Command.
"We should do him muckle Pleasure
"As ye in your Books may read at leisure.
HE paus'd— as Orators are us'd,
And from his pocket quick produc'd,
A friendly Vase well stor'd and fill'd
With good old wisky twice distill'd,
And having refresh'd his inward man.
Went on with his harranque again.
"Ist not, my Brethren, a pretty Story
"That we who are the Land's chief Glory,
"Who are i'the number of God's elected;
"Should slighted thus be and neglected?
"That we, who're the only Gospel Church,
"Should thus be left here in the lurch:
"Whilst our most antichristian foes
"Whose trade is war and hardy blows,
[Page 7] "(At least while some of the same Colour,
"With those who'e caus'd us all this Dolor)
"In Matchcoats warm and blankets drest,
"Are by the Q—rs much caress'd.
"And live in peace by good warm fires,
"And have the extent of their desires?
"Shall we put by such treatment base?
"By N [...], we wont!"—And broke his Vase.
"Seeing then we've such good cause to hate 'em,
"what I intend's to extirpate 'em:
"To suffer them no more to thrive,
"And leave nor Root nor branch alive;
"But should we madly leave our wives
"And Children, and expose our lives
"In search of these wh' infest our borders,
"And perpretate such cruel murders;
"It is most likely by King Harry,
"That we should in the end misscarry.
"I deem therefore the wisest course is
"That those who've beasts should mount their horses,
"And those who've none should march on foot,
"With as much quickness as will suit,
"To where those heathen, nothing fearful,
"That we will on their front and rear fall,
"Enjoy SWEET OTIUM in their Cotts,
"And dwell securely in their Hutts.
"And as they've nothing to defend them,
"We'll quickly to their own place send them!"
At this the rabble bellow'd loud,
And horrid Echos fill'd the wood:
You'd thought you hear'd old Etna moan,
And from her inmost entrails groan;
Or else the terrifying yell
Of all the D—, confin'd in—,
[Page 8] And this satanic salutation,
Was to express their approbation.
How they with fortitude most stout,
Courage and Valor resolute,
March'd on with Center, Rear and Van,
To execute their glorious Plan:
And how they took severe revenge
Of those who'd no means of defence
And how they march'd with all their men,
To G—n Town and back again:
These are subjects which we intend to
Discuss at large i'the following Canto.—
FINIS.