A BATTLE! A BATTLE! A BATTLE of SQUIRT Where no Man is kill'd And no Man is hurt!

To the TUNE of three blue BEANS, in a blue BLADDER; RATTLE BLADDER, RATTLE!



To the TUNE of three blue BEANS, in a blue BLADDER; RATTLE BLADDER RATTLE.

To which is added, The Quaker's Address, AND THE SCHOOL-BOY'S ANSWER To an insolent FELLOW

Who accus'd him of STEALING his CHERRIES.

Tuta frequensque Via est, per Amici fallere Nomen
Tuta frequensque licet sit Via, Crimen habet.
'Tis safe and common, in a Friend's Disguise,
To mask Hypocrisy, Deceit and Lies:
As [...] and common as the Thing might be,
The Poet thought it was rank Villany.

Sold by EDWARD MEREFIELD, at the Corner of Arch-Street, and opposite the Church-Burying-Ground, in Philadelphia. 1764.

[Page 4]


IN Days of Yore, our Annals say,
The Saints would sit at home and pray,
But not vouchsafe to stir an Inch
Or lend Assistance at a Pinch;
Tho' for their King's and Country's good;
Stiff to their Text the Quakers stood.
FOR Feuds and Quarrels they abhor 'em,
The LORD will fight their Battles for 'em.
In this of late they were so stanch
As not to move against the French.
The few that did they roughly handle,
And curse with Bell, with Book and Candle.
THEY read 'em out, and rank'd 'em in
A Class they call'd the Men of Sin.
But now the Case is alter'd quite,
And what was wrong, is chang'd to Right.
These very Drones, these sluggish Cattle,
Prepare their Guns and Swords for Battle.
[Page 5]
So Acts the sly perfidious Bat,
Sometimes for this side, sometimes that.
WHEN first Duke Mushroom silence broke,
And thus in croaking Accents spoke.
When Dangers threaten, 'tis mere Nonsense,
To talk of such a Thing as Conscience:
Conscience a Net has ever been,
To catch religious Woodcocks in:
But (as it is most just and fit)
Was made for us, not we for it.
To be contracted, or stretch'd wide,
As were the Thongs of Dido's Hide.
And he whose is too great or small
Must answer for just none at all.
WHERE Quaker Notions lead the Way,
Conscience implicit must obey.
For we, just like three Legs in Man,
Quocunque jeceris, will stand:
And have a Salve for ev'ry Sore,
What can a Mortal wish for more?
Henceforth let two and two make six,
Or any Number you shall fix:
Let no one contradict you when
You say in four are Units ten:
[Page 6]
For plain it is, and sure's a Gun,
Four contain four, three, two and One.
OF human Pride, tho' it may savour,
Let us exert our own endeavour;
Nor like our Fathers stand like Posts,
And leave all to the Lord of Hosts.
Our Happiness for ought we know
May be, durante Placito,
AND he may think he's done enough
Nor longer will stand by the Stuff;
Therefore for future, be it known,
We'll not confide in GOD alone,
But shew the World that we inherit
The Arm of Flesh, with Sword and Spirit.
WHEN we begin, we'll on Pel Mel
And drive the Paxton Dogs to H—l
But, hark! the Horn sounds an Express
From B, from R, from H, and S.
The Paxton Boys are coming down,
To kill us all, and burn the Town.
To Arms, to Arms with one Accord,
The Sword of Quakers and the Lord!
Let no one stand with hands in Pocket
Each Meeting Door—quick, quick unlock it!
[Page 7] Be all our Forces hither led,
With beating Drums, and Colours spread.
LET Trumpets sound, and Hautboys play,
And set the Battle in Array;
Nor absent be the Pipe and Tabor,
To chear your hearts, and ease your Labour:
Cock up your Hats, look fierce and trim
Not wear the horizontal Brim,
The House of Prayer be made a Den
Not of vile Thieves, but armed Men:
Tho' 'tis indeed a Prophanation
Which we must expiate with Lustration.
But such the present Time requires
And such are all the Friends Desires
Fill Bumpers then, of Rum or' Arrack
We'll drink Success to the new Barrack;
He said, they all approv'd the Cause
And in full concert groan'd Applause.
NOW News arriv'd that Paxton Men,
Were come within nine Miles or ten;
The City's fill'd with Sighs and Groans
Tales of raw heads, and bloody Bones;
While some take heart and go to meet
The Fiends they heard had cloven Feet.
[Page 8]
THEY came, they saw, they found 'em civil
With no intent of Harm or Evil
But humbly to request Redress
For cruel Indians Wickedness;
And to expose a Jugler's Box,
Contriv'd by P—n and F—x
By which, they with a Magic Trick
Could shew white Folks as black's Oldnick
And what's as wonderful agen,
Make Indian Villains honest Men.
AND thus they charge most wicked Facts on
The worthy bleeding Men of Paxton.
But with our Foes hold strickt Alliance
And bid all Government Defiance.
For what care they? good Furs and Skins
Will hide a Multitude of Sins.
REDRESS is promis'd, They content
Paid off their Hosts, and home they went.
THESE, these are they, who always chose
T'engage their King's and Country's Foes
Whose Grandsires too were bravely willing
To fight or die at Ineskilling.
Go on good Lads! and scorn what's base,
And live, t' enjoy Health, Wealth and Peace
[Page 9]
BUT who from henceforth will believe
That Babes of Grace cannot deceive?
Since outward Sanctity is made
A Cloak for all the Quaker Trade
To call't Religion would blaspheme,
That sacred venerable Name.
But now I drop my weary Pen,
Till a new Theme calls for't agen,

THE QUAKERS ADDRESS, AND THE School-Boy's ANSWER, to an insolent FELLOW. Who accus'd him of STEALING his CHERRIES

MAY't please the high and Mighty P—
The very best of all good Men;
We prostrate as in bounden Duty,
Beg leave t'adore thy sacred Shoe-tye,
Because thee hast vouchsaf't to grant
Those Papers which the Friends did want:
Which Papers we have now in View,
And find there's nothing in 'em true;
Wrote by bad Folks of the Frontier,
All false, malicious and severe;
[Page 11]
To stir up People of no Letters
And make us odious to our Betters.
WHEREFORE we pray that thee will hear us
And when that's done no Doubt will clear us.
OUR People, Friend, as thee must know,
Above a hundred Years ago
(For 'tis so long a Period since
That our Religion did commence)
Were never found such stupid Sots,
As to delight in Blood and Plots;
Nor can their worst of Foes remember
They lik'd the Month thee call November.
Tumults and Quarrels Friends abhor 'em
Others may fight their Battles for 'em
While they can sit at home in ease,
And eat Plum-pudding as they please.
THEIR Conduct was so very winning,
They gain'd a Liberty of sinning
Plain Scripture then they might deny
And not be ask'd a Reason why.
YET these good Creatures, now and then
Were hardly us'd by cruel Men;
And underwent hard Blows and Knocks
[Page 12]
The Cart, the Pillory and Stocks;
Yet no one of them then turn'd Buffer,
But thought it Honour great, to suffer.
AT length a pious chosen Band
Came here, and left their native Land;
Here while they live, they with Applause,
Both frame, and execute the Laws.
With Indians they had Coalition,
Happy, thrice happy their Condition;
While Heav'n did their Endeavours bless,
Who fertile made a Wilderness.
BUT now alas! with Pain and Grief
('Tis what we think past all Relief)
We have observ'd our Pow'r is lost
And others want to rule the Roast.
Intestine Feuds and Wars take Place
Of Concord, Unity and Peace.
And thus we see, what's very strange
All Things, but, our old Tenets change.
We have for ever careful been,
Not to be often caught in Sin,
And still kept up in our Society
A great appearance of true Piety:
[Page 13]
And to be sure we never thought
The Sin lay most in being caught.
LET whatsoever Monarch reign
Passive Obedience we maintain.
To Men in Pow'r we shew our Distance.
And aid the King by Non-Assistance.
BUT yet it can't be always fitting
To bring Disputes into our Meeting,
As whether Friends, upon Occasion,
And when they hear of an Invasion,
May not take Arms, in their Defence,
And yet preserve their Innocence.
WE have learn'd many (when at School)
Exceptions to a special Rule,
By which 'tis plain, they may be right
Whether they do, or do not fight.
And so we hope there's no Transgression
Although they are of our Profession.
BY a vile false Insinuation
[...] an unsigned Declaration,
To give their Spleen and Malice vent,
These Fellows, Things misrepresent,
[Page 14]
Who in a hostile Mood came down
To Butcher us, and burn the Town.
AWAY with all their Tricks and Quirks
Of Records found in County Birks;
'Tis nought but sham and vile Pretence
To blacken spotless Innocence.
How dare they say we tyrannize?
And are mere Wolves, in Lambs Disguise
Our Conduct sure they do not know,
Or else 'tis base to use us so.
FOR us, we value not a Louse,
A Seat in the Assembly House:
We would have all our Friends resign,
If their Authority decline.
And since they cannot, rule alone
Divide a Share of Pow'r with none.
To this of late some made Pretence
And were thought Men of Consequence.
For why should we be e'er neglected
Who've Right t'elect or be elected.
And never was a Place of Profit,
But we bore all the Burden of it.
[Page 15]
THROUGH all the Province 'tis well known
We have no Interest of our own,
But strive to make the Sorrows less,
Of Wretches that are in Distress.
WE beg thy Patience, Friend, to hear
And lend us one, if not each Ear.
THERE goes about a cook't up Story,
In which the wicked ones do glory;
That we, when Paxton Men came down
Convey'd six Indians out of Town;
And for this very Reason, viz:
That they might not discern the Phiz
Of ev'ry individual Savage,
Guilty of Murder or of Ravage.
THUS our good Name they would destroy
By Testimony of a Boy,
Who now is no where to be found,
Either above or under Ground:
And neither of us all can tell,
If he be gone to Heav'n or Hell.
This we affirm, but will not swear,
Before Recorder or the May'r.
[Page 16] If thee, our Faith and Honour try
Thee 'll find we will not trick or lie.
Hold, hold thy Gab proud Is—I go no further
We know our Duty not to Steal or Murther;
The Laws of God had thy Son understood,
His Hands had never been imbru'd in Blood,
Nor thou bought off with thy ill gotten Polf,
That which thou richly dost deserve thy self
Though He escap'd, yet will the lasting Stain,
On thee and thy Posterity remain.



And the Lord departed from Is—l, and behold He went a Whore­ing after his own Invention un­til his abominable Iniquity was found out.

Sold by EDWARD MEREFIELD, at the Corner of Arch-Street, and opposite the Church-Burying-Ground, in Philadelphia. 1764.

[Page 18]


ASSIST me, Muse, the Man to paint
Who whilom was an Outside Saint,
And thought by many to inherit
A double Portion of the Spirit.
But Satan often will prevail
O'er human Flesh, that's proud and frail;
And when the pious go astray,
The Devil's in the Fault not they.
WHEN Chosen Men, assembled were.
To stop the Ravages of War,
That all Hostilities might cease,
By a fixt, firm and lasting Peace;
Attended here our Hero came,
In Hopes to eternize his Name;
And, ever fond of Pomp and Show,
Usurps the Place of Plenipoe.
THIS was not right, and that was wrong,
In one Opinion never long;
He all their measures so perplext,
They knew not what they should do next.
So 'mongst the Sons of God of old
The Devil came, as we are told.
[Page 19]
AT length a pregnant Squaw he spies,
Which made his lustful Passions rise;
Fain, very fain he would be at her
And now his Chops began to Water
He quits the Assembly on a sudden
(For hungry Dogs love dirty Pudding)
My Love, my Dove! my fairest Queen!
Thy Husband's Works are plainly seen,
But yet with Reason I suppose,
Thy Child will never have a Nose,
Unless thee get some faithful Friend
Who will his kind Assistance lend,
And none more ready is than I,
His plastic Faculty to try.
To whom the Queen thy Words are civil,
And sure, thy Actions can't be Evil.
This said, he needs no more to woo her,
But without saying Grace, falls to her.
The Deed perform'd, (how great, how strange
'Twixt fore and after is the Change!)
He views her in a different Light,
Disdains her Duds, and woful Plight;
And (what's not wonderful to tell)
The Bears Grease warm'd offends his Smell,
The wanton Goat forsook his Face
Which you at other Times might trace:
[Page 20]
Nor did that proud disdainful Sneer
In any Feature now appear.
BUT now alas! what's to be done?
His Watch is gone as sure's a Gun!
For while he did this clever Jobb
She div'd her Hand into his Fob
And thence most cleanly did convey
His Watch of Gold, as People say
In vain he searches here and there,
For it was thrust the Lord knows where.
He storms, he raves, (some say he swore)
And call'd her stinking nasty Whore;
Thee impudent! Thee saucy Huzzy!
Whilst I rub'd up thy Tuzzy Muzzy
Thee stols't my Watch! The Squaw replies,
With Anger in her Voice and Eyes;
Why all this Noise and silly Pother?
Does not one Trick deserve another?
HE who means Harm, Harm often catches,
He who makes Noses, may make Watches,
BY this you see 'tis just and fit,
The Biter always shou'd be bit.

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.