I Must acknowledge, with grief of Soul, that by reading Arminian Books, and some of the Writings of such as are called Free-Thinkers, I came to be so stumbled at the Doctrine of Election, that I could not hear it preached without being very uneasy. Still I [Page 2] read, and was mightily pleas'd in reading what so much exalts Man, and nourishes the natural bent and biass we have to set up Self, and a dreadful lothness to be at God's disposal: that it should be at his sovereign Will whether we should be converted and saved, or left to pe­rish in our Sin and Unbelief; and that the Lord should give this as the Reason why he would have Mercy on some, and not on others; even because it is his Will, and because it seemeth good in his Sight.

About the same Time, I fell into the Com­pany of some Men of Wit and Learning, whose Discourse was much upon the same Strain. All seem'd to agree in this, that our Doctrine of Election could not consist with the Truth, Justice, and Mercy of God.

Thus I was led on in the Way of free Will, as it stands in opposition to free Grace; quite beside and contrary to the way of Salvation. But my Conscience would often check me for hankering after and listning to those Doctrines; whilst I was e'en bewitch'd away from the Truth as it is in Jesus, and carry'd further into plausible and pleasing, but dangerous Errors; till it pleas­ed God (I hope in everlasting Mercy to my Soul) to visit me with very great and sore out­ward Afflictions, which brought on darkness and distress of Mind and Conscience, to a great Degree; and it seem'd as if I had but a little [Page 3] while to live; so I spent almost whole Days alone, meditating Terror; and in the Night, sleep departed from mine Eyes.

In this doleful Condition, which I can't set forth to the full, I remembred the mighty Con­victions I had been under in my youthful Time; and how, then I had pleaded God's free and e­verlasting Love to the vilest of Sinners; and how sweet the Doctrine of Election was then, and how relieving, whilst I was constrained to plead Guilty; and had Nothing, no not so much as one good Desire, that I could possibly raise in my self, which might recommend me to the fa­vour of God.— I tho't I must take the same Course now, in hope that God had loved me with an everlasting Love, and that therefore with loving Kindness he would draw me.

But how did my Conscience fly in my Face: — How should I think on that for my re­lief in my Distress, which I had so quarrel'd a­gainst? Then I cried to God to forgive me all my hard and murmuring Thoughts against the Doctrine of Election, and the Preachers of it. And when I had freely, and, I hope, humbly and penitently confessed my serpentine opposi­tion to the Truth; (for I believe it was from the subtil and venemous old Serpent) then I could find some relief in thinking of electing Love from all Eternity; and I was bro't to see, how that at first, we had a sufficient Stock in Adam [Page 4] (had we improv'd it) to secure our everlasting Happiness; but we foolishly and wilfully em­bezeled it away; and the first Man, with his whole Race, had been irrecoverably lost; as the Angels who kept not their first Estate, are reserv­ed in Chains to the Judgment of the great Day; had not God chosen a Remnant in Christ, the se­cond Adam: So that all our Hope, now, must be in Christ, and in God's electing Love thro' him: who is pleased to send the Spirit to bring home to the elect Soul the Father's everlasting Love, and the Son's eternal Redemption by effectual Application.

Here I had relief; and on this Foundation I desire to build my Hope; which Hope, cast within the Vail, is a sure Anchor. So I was brought to bless God for Election; had it not been for which, there would have been no more Hope for fallen Man than for fallen Angels.

After I had penned down these my Tempta­tions, I had great struglings within, whether I should impart such Things to any one in the World. I had not, as yet, discover'd any thing, unless by dark and short hints, to a bosom Friend. Sometimes I should think it best to conceal them; then it would run thus in my Mind; If you disclose and make them known (without discovering your self to the World) how know you but that some poor stragling Sheep of Christ, lost in the Wilderness, and ready to be torn in [Page 5] pieces by Wolves in Sheeps Cloathing, shall be found out by these very Means, and brought home to Christ? Then what cause of Joy would there be! So I thought it might be a Sin in me not to make known what God had done for my Soul, and how narrowly I escaped.

I know not how it may be with others; but as for poor me (one of the chief of Sinners and the least of Believers: So foolish have I been, and ignorant! — O Fool that I am, and slow of Heart to believe) — I am now resolved, God helping me, to lie at the foot of divine Sove­reignty, putting my Mouth in the Dust, if so be there may be Hope. And if Christ should, after all, reject me and cast me off for ever, he can do me no wrong. I am utterly lost in the first Adam, whose Sin is justly imputed to me; and I have so wretchedly oppos'd the second A­dam, who came to seek & save that which was lost, that I can't but know, if I perish, my Ruin will be of my self. O Israel thou hast destroyed thy self; but in me is thy Help.

I have nothing to depend on but electing Love, redeeming Mercy, and renewing Grace; all infinitely free! And if any wicked Thoughts arise, at any time, in my foolish, blind and per­verse Heart, contrary to what I here declare and profess, I must cast them away with abhor­rence. And whatever become of me, its a plea­ing thought to me, that Others may take warn­ing, [Page 6] and Ministers may be embolden'd to preach up the Doctrine of free sovereign Grace, in every Branch of it, and not spare.

But to go on; I was, as I said, brought to submit to the righteous Sovereignty of the Lord, whose Name is Holy. And in pleading God's everlasting Love, I seem'd to have fresh expe­rience of the Love of Christ; and the Lord seem'd to smile on me in his Providence, in the midst of frowning Dispensations — I could give particular Instances of it; but I forbear.—

Now, in the multitude of my Thoughts, it came into my Mind to renew my Covenant with God; and I did it in a solemn Manner, and as composedly as could be, under such distressing and almost distracting Trouble: Outward and inward Sorrows, like two Seas, meeting toge­ther.— And it was my purpose to renew my Covenant every Day; still pleading for Mercy, free Mercy to the very chief of Sinners; giving thanks to the Lord, that yet there should be a remnant according to the Election of Grace. Lord! thou hast chosen some to Salvation, through sanctification of the Spirit, and belief of the Truth: and I know not but I am one of them. —The Offers of Grace are without Exception. This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all ac­ceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the World to save Sinners, of whom I am chief. I saw plainly that by all that I had done or could do, I [Page 7] could not deserve so much as a crumb of Bread, or a drop of Water. I saw, at the same Time, that there was enough in Christ to justify, sanctify, and save eternally, the worst Sinner in the World: and I desire to have my entire dependance on Him still, daily renewing my Covenant; that I may maintain a close Walk with God, and be fortifyed against new Temp­tations.

About this Time, I went into a Stationer's Shop, as I used frequently to do; and there I espy'd some of the Arminian Books; such as I had read but too much in; and the Book­seller told me, of what esteem they were in England.— But they appeared to me as a fiery Serpent, by which I had been mortally stung; and had I not looked to Christ, as the Israelites did to the brazen Serpent, my Soul must have died of the Wound.

And I suppose this to be one Reason why Election seems so sweet to me now, and is con­tinually running in my Mind; even because of my blasphemous quarrelling in the Day of Temptation. Like the proud Legalists, who, while Paul was preaching Christ and free Grace, are said to speak against those Things, contra­dicting and blaspheming: But the Apostles were so far from giving over when they were thus opposed, that it is said in the next Verse, They waxed bold &c. and then it follows; As [Page 8] many as were ordained to eternal Life, believed.— Thus my falling out with that sweet Doctrine, has renewed and increased my Love to it:— And I must again express my humble Desire and Wish, that Ministers might be moved, — But I forbear.— I have opposed and slighted them in the cloudy and dark Day of Temptation, and am not worthy to speak to them: —Yet may I speak to God for them, and desire their Prayers, and the Prayers of all the Lord's chosen and called,— who may come to know my Case, still continuing gloomy; neither so dark as it has been, nor so light as I hope in God's Time it may be.