Androboros A bographical [sic] farce in three acts, viz. The senate, the consistory, and the apotheosis.

Androboros A bographical [sic] farce in three acts, viz. The senate, the consistory, and the apotheosis.

Table of contents

Title page

Drammatis Personae.

The Dedication TO Don. Com. Fiz.

Androboros.

1

Scene First, Act First.

Act First, Scene Second.

Act First, Scene Third.

Act First, Scene Fourth.

Act Second,

Scene First·

Act Second, Scene Second.

Act Secon• Scene Third.

Act Second, Scene Fourth.

Act Third,

Scene First.

Act Third, Scene Second.

Act Third, Scene Third.

Act Third, Scene Fourth.

§

§

[Page]

[Page]

ANDROBOROS A Bographical Farce In Three Acts, VIZ.

The SENATE,

The CONSISTORY,

AND The APOTHEOSIS.

Printed at Mo [...]ropolis since August, 1714.

Drammatis Personae.

[Page]

Androboros,

Keeper,

Deputy,

Speaker,

Aesop,

Doodlesack,

Tom of Bedlam,

Babilard,

Coxcomb,

Mulligrub,

Cobus,

Solemn,

Door-keeper,

Fizle,

Flip,

Messenger.

SCENE Long Gallary in Moor-Fields.

The Dedication TO Don. Com. Fiz.

[Page]

Right Dreadful SIR!

CErdo Gloucestriensis, an Author of the last Century, of great Sagacity, observ [...]d well, That Runto Polimunto Plumpismenoi Raperpandico— What d'ye stare at? This is good Greek for ought you know, and contains a Mystery, which shall continue so, unless you Reveal it; and so no more of that. The following Elionophysalo Fizlical Farce having fallen into my Hands by a most surprizing Accident, it seemeth meet unto me that it should, with all due Reverence Kiss yours. Here it lies at your Feet, take it up. Now read the first Act,—Have ye done? What's the matter Man? Have ye got the Gripes? A Plague on your Sower Faces. Bring him a Dram. What have have you to do, had you to do, or ought you to have to do with the Senate? You smell a Rat, you say. Be it so. But compose your self, and now Read the second Act,—How d'ye like it, ha? O Hooo, T'churrrrrrrrrtch, I can say that as Loud as you can do; and if you'll but leave out these Damnable R's and T's which make it so hard in Pronounciation, and harder in Digestion, I like it better than you do. You don't believe me! and I don't believe in you; and this is a perilous Article in a Mans Belief too; For one who dy'd a very good Christian, was sentenc'd by your [Page] Sanctity to be bury'd a Pagan, only because he seem'd to believe that you were some-what Thick of believing; yet you are a Christian, a very good Christian,

So was your Leader, Major Weere,

Burnt for Bu—ry, God be here.

He had a good Gift of the Gob too: You were bred up in the same Accademy, the same Principles, and the same way of Worship: All the Difference between you lies in this nice point, He Worship't the Dev'l instead of God, and you worship God as if he were the Dev'l. Come to't again, first take two Turns cross the Room, Cross-ways, I say, Wipe the Sweat from your Brows, and sit down. Now read the Third Act, I'll sing the while,

It is an Old Maxim, et c'est Escrit,

Au trou de mon cul, look there you'll sie't,

When the Head is Be—ck't the Body's Beshit,

Which no Body dare Deny, Deny,

Which no Body dare Deny.

Read on, and be hang'd, don't mind me, Man, I sing for my own Diversion.

But 'tis strange how Notions are chang'd of late,

For 'tis a New Maxim, but odd one, That

Ce que pend a nos culs doit nous garnir latete,

That I flatly and boldly Deny, Deny,

That I flatly and boldy Deny.

What is the Matter now? Is he Dead? or is't a Qualm? Holo, a Hay! Who waits there? some burn't Feathers, Sal Armoniack? No, No, Let him smell to the Skirt of his own Garment. So, he Recovers Poor Fiz! who could have thought that you were so quick of Smelling! Come, Man, take Courage; What have You or I to do with it? Let the Gall'd Horse wince, [Page] our Withers are unwrung. But tell me, will you be quiet for the Future? You shall be paid for't, nay, you have been paid for't; and it is hard that Men must be Brib'd for Not doing what they ought Not to do. I remember an Odd Fellow upon Pont Neuf who got his Livelihood by as Odd a Stratagem; He procur'd himself a Portable Forge and Bellows, which he carried under his Cloak, and having heated a small Iron red hot, he would lug it out and present it to the Gentlemen who pass'd that way, with this Complement, Good Sir! Pray Sir! give me leave to run my hot Iron into your Arse. When the Gentleman started at the Extravagance and Danger of the Motion, he continued, Nay, Sir, if you don't like it, pay me but a Sol Marquee for the heating of my Iron, and there is no harm d [...]ne. Now had he insisted upon the Performance of the Operation aforesaid, after payment for the necessary Apparatus, he deserv'd to have his Bones broke; but he was most commonly satisfied, and all the Consequence was a fit of Laughter. Now, I know that it is not an easie matter for you to get rid of your Forge and Bellows, but can't you blow your Bellows and heat your Iron at home, and quit that unaccountable Rage of Runing it into your honest quiet Neighbours Arses, who pay you amply, and meerly for Forbearance? But I have done. Peace be with ye, I mean such a one as he made who made you a COM-

And it was a most Masterly stroke of Art

To give Fizle Room to Act his part;

For a Fizle Restrain'd will bounce like a F—t,

Which no Body can Deny, Deny,

Which no Body can Deny.

[Page]

But when it Escapes from Canonical Hose

And fly's in your Face, as it's odds it does,

That a Man should be hang'd for stopping his Nose,

That I flatly and boldly Deny, Deny;

That I flatly and boldly Deny.

Long Kept under Hatches, 'twill force a Vent

In the Shape of a Turd, with its Size and Scent,

And perhaps in its way may beshit a Vestment,

Which no body can Deny, Deny,

Which no body can Deny.

But however 'tis Dignify'd or Disguis'd,

That it should be for that the higher Priz'd,

And either Don Commis'd or Canoniz'd,

That I flatly and boldly Deny, Deny,

That I flatly and boldly Deny.

B'uey Fizle.

Androboros.

[Page]

1

Scene First, Act First.

Keeper, Deputy and Tom.

Deputy,

I Hope, Sir, it is not your intention that this same Senate, as they call it, should sit.

Keeper,

What harm is there in't, if it does?

Deputy,

No great harm, only 'twill please their Frenzy; They are big with Expectation of some mighty Deliverance, towards which is to be brought about by means of Androboros; I think they call him so; Whether there is or ever was such a Person, I know not: but all their hopes are placed in him.

Tom.

Sir, it is Old Nick-nack, who has Paganiz'd himself with that Name, which interpreted, signifies a Man-Eater. He is now very far gone indeed, He talks of nothing but Battles and Seiges, tho' he never saw one, and Conquests over Nations, and Alliances with Princes who never had a being; and this Senate is mainly intended for his Reception▪ I hope you will not forbid its Meeting, if you do, I shall loose an Employment, having had the Honor to be appointed Clerk of the Senate this Morning, after the Choice of the Speaker; so I beg you'll not Rob me of that Honor, and your self of some Diversion, and I shall take care that their Session shall be harmless.

Keeper.

I wish you Joy with all my heart; But Prethee, Tom, What Chance or evil Fate conducted thee to this same Doleful Mansion? I am surpriz'd to find thee in such Company.

Tom.

No Chance, I assure you, Sir, but free Choice. I found in my reading, That Man was composed of three parts, Body, Soul and Spirit, and that the two first were entirely ingross'd by two Societys, so I Resolv'd to Exercize my poor Talent upon the Infirmitys of the last, not with any hopes or intention to Cure them, but as others do, meerly to raise my self a Maintenance out of them, here under your Honors happy Auspeces. But, Lo, here they come, Retire to a Corner. If I am seen in your Company, my Project is spoyl'd.

[Page]

Act First, Scene Second.

Enter Doodlesack, Babilard, Solemn, Aesop, &c.

[...]peaker,

GEntlemen, The Honor you have done me, how little soever I may deserve it, lays me under an Obligation to Exert my self to the utmost for the int'rest of this House. I humbly propose, That in the first place we concert and agree upon some necessary Rules for preventing Confusion.

Deputy

aside.

Well spoke, Mr. Speaker, Tho' 'tis something strange that he who has ever affirm'd, That Laws and Liberty were things Incompatible, should now propose to proceed by Rules.

Mulligr.

I desire to be heard before you proceed to Rules, or any thing else; I have a Speech ready.

Doodlesack.

Laet onse hearken to Mr. Speaker, and begin with some Rules.

Mullig.

I'll have my Speech first.

Coxcomb.

D—n your Speech, Let's proceed to Rules.

Babilard.

If Rules be necessary to the Speech, let us have the Speech first, but if the Speech be necessary to the Rules, let us have the Rules.

Cox.

I'm for neither Speech nor Rules, let us fall upon buss'ness.

Speaker.

Gentlemen, The Question is not, as I take it, which you'll be pleas'd to have, but which shall have the Preference; for you may have both in their Turns.

All Confusedly.

Speech, Rules; Rules, Speech, &c.

Mulligrub.

My Speech has carry'd it. Hum, Ha, Ough, Ough, Ough, Ough, &c.

Cox.

Rot ye, it was not your Cough that Carry'd it; Let off your Speech.

Aesop.

Mr. Speaker, I do not find that this matter is, as yet, determin'd to the full satisfaction of this House, for which Cause I beg leave to offer an Expedient, which will end the Debate, that is, That we may have both at a time; whilst Mr. Mulligrub is Exonerating himself, we may imploy our selves in adjusting and forming the necessary Rules.

All.

Agreed.

Speaker.

Mr. Mulligrub, You may proceed.

Mull.

Gentlemen, The ill Measures that have been taken, and the Foundation that hath been laid within this Tenement, to make the Tenants thereof, Tenants therein, is the Cause which causeth me to make this Speech. Our Grievances being innumerable, I shall Enumerate them. The first I shall mention, is this, That tho' the Tenement be large, the Mansions many, and the Inhabitants Numerous, There is but One Kitchin, and one Cellar, by which means we are kept from Eating and drinking What we please, When we please, and as Much as we please, which is our Birth-Right Priviledge by the Laws of God and Nature, settled upon us by Act of Parliament; for which cause I humbly [...]. Wheter it may not be [Page] more Convenient that each Mansion have its proper Kitchin and Cellar under the special Direction of the respective Tenants?

To clear up the Necessity of this Method, I'll tell you what happ'ned to me t'other day; One of the Servants of this House, who brought me a Mess of Water Gruel, being my special Friend, and knowing how eagerly my Stomach stood towards what was forbidden me by the Physitians, conveys a Hand of Pork into the Porrige, but being discover'd he was punisht, tho' he offer'd to take his Corporal Oath, That the Hand of Pork was a bunch of Radishes. But of all others, we of the East End of the Tenement suffer most, for by reason of our distance from the Kitchin, our Porrige is cold before it comes to our Hands. To Remedy this, we fell upon a private Intercourse with the Bethlemites on the other side of Moor-fields, who by virtue of their Charter run at large, by which we broke the Laws pretty Comfortably for a season; but these same subtle Fellows of the Kitchin found it out, and put a stop to't, to the Great Prejudice of the Freedom of the Subject, and the direct Discouragement of our indirect Commerce. I Remember we once Address'd our Superiors, That we might have a Servant of our own, independent of this Plaguey Keeper; They were Graciously pleas'd to allow us such a one, with this Restriction only, That the Servant aforesaid might have the Custody of our Straw and Water, but by no means of our Meat and Drink; notwithstanding this, the Keeper will not permit him to take the care and Custody of our Victuals and Drink. What! does▪ he think us Non Corpus Mentlus, that we do not know the meaning of plain words! But I shall Conclude at this time, with this Exhortation, That since it appears plainly, that we of this Tenement, who are Tenants thereof, are in danger of Being, by the Foundations laid, made Tenants therein, let us not lie Crying thereat, but be Valiant Therefore, and Vindicate our Rights There-from, Our Birth-Right Parliamentary Rights, settled upon us by the Ten Commandments.

Speaker.

Gentlemen, Mr. Mulligrub has given you time to Concert the Rules of the House, would you have them read by the Clerk, in the Order they have been given to him by the several Members?

All.

Ay, Ay.

Tom

Reads.

Mr. Speaker Proposes, That to prevent Confusion, not above Three or Four at most be permitted to speak at Once, except in a Grand Committee, where there is no occasion of Hearers.

Mr. Coxcomb humbly proposes, That no Body be allow'd to speak but himself, because for want of the Attentive Faculty, he is like to have no share in the Hearing, and so ought to have Compensation in Speaking.

Doodlesack has given his in a Forreign Tongue, which when interpreted stands thus, That He having but a small share of Elocution, but a very lively and strong imagination, may have leave, as occasion shall Offer, to Express his Thoughts by Staring, Grinning and Grimacing, of which he has so Exquisite a Talent, that those who cannot be said to understand any thing else, perfectly understand him in that Method of Utterance.

Babilard [...] Represents, That he is quite Dum-founded by the late fall [Page] of Stocks, so in Order to the opening his Mouth, he proposes a Law for raising Int'rest to Twelve per Cent.

Aesop has given his Rule in Rhime, as follows,

The Rule that I would advise.

Is, Be quiet, and eat your Bread,

If 'tis good; To be Merry and Wise.

'Tis the Dev'l to be Sullen and Mad.

Coxcomb.

Damn all Rules, Let us proceed to buss'ness.

Cobus.

Laet onze erst come to some Revoluties.

Coxcom.

Resolutions! Ay, begin with that, I like that Motion well enough▪ it is the shortest way.

Speaker.

Let one at a time Propose, and the rest Agree or Dissent, as they think fit.

Coxcom.

Resolv'd That neither this House, or they whom we Represent are bound by any Laws, Rules or Customs, any Law, Rule or Custom to the Contrary Notwithstanding.

All.

Agreed.

Mullegr.

That this House disclaims all Powers, Preheminencies or Authoritys, except it's own.

All.

Agreed.

Babilard.

That this House has an Inherent and Undoubted Right to the Undoubted Property of those we Represent.

Coxcomb.

That this House is the only Undoubted Supreme Inferior and Infimus Court of this Tenement, and that all others are a Nusance.

All.

Agreed.

Solemn.

Mr. Speaker, being Resolv'd to enter my Dissent to these several Resolves, I shall first give my Reasons for so doing. I believe it is needless to put you in mind of our Origine, from whence we sprang, and how we came hither. It is well known that we were of that Number of Publick Spirited Persons, distinguish't from our Neighbours by an inward Light or Faculty, call it what you Please. The Romans call it Aestrum, the French, Verve, our Northern Nation has indeed given it a Courser Name, which gave us a strong Disposition toward Reformations, Remonstrations, Resolutions, and other Acts of Zeal; in the eager pursuit of which we were apt to throw our selves, sometimes our Neighbours, into the Fire or Water. The Wisdom of the Times thought fit to Erect this Tenement for our Intertainment, where the Exercize of the Faculty aforesaid might be less Dangerous or hurtful to our selves, or others. Here we are Maintain'd at their Charge with Food and Rayment suitable to our Condition, and the Fabrick kept in Repair at the no small Annual Expences of our Land-Lords. And what Returns do we make? Have not many of us from our private Cells thrown our Filth and Ordure in their Faces? And now in a Collective Body we are about to throw more filthy Resolves at them.

All.

To the Barr, to the Barr.

All

No, With-draw, With-draw.

Solemn.

I desire to be heard.

[Page]All.

With-draw.

Speaker.

Sir, It is the pleasure of this House that you With-draw, in order to your being heard.

Exit Solemn.

Gentlemen, your have heard this mans Insolence. What shall be done with him?

Coxcomb.

Hang'd, Drawn and Quarter'd.

Aesop.

Ay, but what is his Crime?

Coxcom.

For affronting the Majesty of this House.

Aesop.

In what? What has he done or said?

Cobus.

Dat weet ick niet, but I agree with Coxcombs Propositie▪

Speaker.

I am for Inflicting no Punishment but what is in our power, that is, to Expell him the House.

All.

Expell, Expell.

Aesop.

Hold a little. I suppose you intend to punish him, and not your selves; I'll tell you a Story.

All.

Expell, Expell, &c.

Aesop.

I beg your patience, 'tis but a short one; it is a Tale of a Pack of Hounds of my Acquantance,

Jowler, the stanchest Hound o'th' breed,

Had got th' ill Will of all the rest;

Not for his Tongue, his Nose or Speed,

Tho' these were all by far the best;

Malice and Envy know no bounds

And Currs have ever bark'd at Hounds.

But that which most provok'd their Spite

Was this, that when they run a Foil

Or Counter, Jowler led them right,

Which cost him many a bitter broil,

Snubbing the Rash and Rioters,

And lugging laizy Ones by th' Ears.

So at a General Council held

For Grievances, or what you will,

Poor trusty Jowler was Expell'd,

That free-born Dogs might range their fill.

And so they did; but mark what came on't,

Hence-forth they made but sorry Game on't▪

The giddy Pack, their Guide b'ing gone,

Run Riot, and the Hunts-Man swore,

Strap't some, and some he whipt; but one

He hang'd, a Noisy babling Curr.

In short, the Pack was spoyl'd; Pray then,

Shall Jowler be Expell'd agen?

Coxcomb.

A Pox on your Tale, let us proceed to the Vote.

[Page]Speaker.

What is then your pleasure with relation to the Member who is to be Expell'd?

All.

Expell'd, Expell'd.

Speaker.

Call him to the Bar.

Enter Solemn.

Sir,

For Reasons best known to our selves, you are Expell'd.

Solemn.

Sir, You do me too much honor.

Exit.

Enter Messenger.

Messenger.

Mr. Speaker, The Lord Androboros with Two Men in Black desires Admittance.

Speaker.

Is it your pleasure he be admitted?

Omnes

Ay, Ay.

Speaker.

Let the Clerk go to him with the Compliments of the House, and Conduct him in.

Tom a going.

Keeper.

St. St. St. Tom, a Word with you. Pray who are these same men in Black, who accompany the General?

Tom.

Two other special Friends of yours, viz. Fizle and Flip; The first was heretofore a Muggletonian of the other side of Moore-fields, but having no Butter to his Bread there, he Chang'd their Service for that of this House; He sometime fancy'd himself to be the Pope, but his Brother not relishing that as Derogatory to his Pretentions, he is now Contended to be Patriarch of the Western Empire, of which Androboros is to be Sultan; The other, for a wonderful Energy in the two most Unruly Members of the Body, has been follow'd of late by the Women and Boys, but a late sinistrous Accident has Crack't his Voice, and —that now he is but little regarded. But I must be gone.

Ex. Tom.

Keeper.

The Rogue is a good Painter.

Deputy.

He draws from the Life, I assure you.

Act First, Scene Third.

Enter Androboros and Tom, Flip and Fizle.

Androb.

MOst Venerable Gentlemen, Upon my Rounds of Inspection, Prospection and Retrospection, I have understood with Pleasure, that you have sequester'd from your House that wandring Plague, that Kibes in the Heels, and Piles in the posteriors of Mankind.

Aesop.

Pardon me, Sir, your Name has not been mention'd here, that I know of.

Androb.

I mean Solemn ▪ which Act I approve and Commend. It is with no less satisfaction that I now acquaint you, That upon the Earnest Application and most humble Suit of the High and Potent Towrowmowyoughtough, Emperor of many Nations, and my good Allies, the Kings of Agn [...]sagkimaghswoughsayk, Savanagh [...]ipheugh, and Bowwougewouffe, I have undertaken an Expedition against the Mulo Machiaus, your Inveterate Foes. Your Concurrence to enable me to carry it on with Success, is what I demand and expect; and for your Incouragement, I do Swear by this sacred Image, not to pare these Nails, wash this blew Visage, [Page] or put off this speckled Shirt, Until I have made that Haughly Monarch Confess himself, in all his Projects for Universal Dominion, my Inferior, and My Delamya, fairer then the fairest Princess of his Blood or Empire. So leaving this weighty Affair to your wise Counsels, We bid you heartily Farewell.

Exit Strutting.

Speaker.

You have heard what this Man has propos'd. What do you Resolve?

Coxcom.

Let us Resolve to Support, Maintain and Defend the undoubted Tilte of the Great Androboros to the Powers and Authoritys he has Graciously Assum'd over this and all other the like Tenements, against all Wardens, Directors, Keepers, and their Abettors.

All.

Agreed.

Doodlesack.

Laet onze Dissolve, That a Summ not Exceeding Negen Skillingen and Elleve Pence be rais'd for the Expeditie.

All.

Agreed.

Speaker.

Ay, and 'tis more then 'tis worth.

Bahilard.

Let us Resolve, That He has behav'd Himself on the said Expedition with Courage, Conduct and Prudence.

S [...]eaker.

What! before 'tis over!

Aesop.

By all means, lest when it is over you should have less reason for this Resolve. But if after all, we must go to War, I would be glad to be better satisfy'd with the Choice of a Leader; For as to this Mans Prowess, we have nothing but his own Word for't.

Coxcomb.

The Choice is a good Choice, and he that doubts it, is a Son — So for that, amongst other weighty Reasons, I second Mr. Babilards Motion.

Doodlesack.

Ick ock, because it may cast some Reflectie upon our Keeper.

Aesop.

Before you proceed any further, I'll beg leave to tell you another Tale, it is but a short one, and if it fails to Instruct, it may divert.

The Bees so fam'd for Feats of War,

And Arts of Peace, were once, of Sense

As void as other Insects are,

'Till time and late Experience,

The only Schoolmaster of Fools,

Taught them the use of Laws and Rules.

In that wild state they were Assail'd

By th' Wasps, oft routed and Opprest;

Not that their Hearts or Hands had fail'd,

But that their Head was none o'th' best,

The Drone being, by the Commons Voice,

Chose for the Greatness of his Noise.

Thus ill they sped in every Battle;

For tho' the Chief was in Request

At home, for's Fools Coat and his Rattle,

Abroad he was the Common Jest.

The Wasps in all Ingagements, held —

His Folly more then half the Field.

[Page]

Grown Wiser by repeated Woes,

The Bees thought fit to change their Chief,

It was a Humble Bee they Chose,

Whose Conduct brought them quick Relief;

And ever since that Race has led 'em,

The Drones are Drums, as Nature made 'em.

But go on with your Resolves; you have mine.

Speaker.

I like the last Choice of the Bees, for my part; for by the Law no man can be allow'd to be an Evidence for himself, especially when he happens to be be a single one.

Doodlesack.

Wishy Washy's; I agree to Mr. Babilards Propositie, for the Reasons given, with this addition▪ That our Keeper is een Skellum.

Coxcomb.

And ought to be dismiss't from having any further [...].

Act First, Scene Fourth.

Enter Keeper and Deputy.

Keeper.

TO your Kennels, ye Hounds.—

Exit Omnes.

Deputy.

Now, Sir, I hope you are satisfied, and for the future you'll keep 'em to their Cells.

Keeper,

No, let them enjoy their former Liberty, perhaps they'll stand Corrected.

Deputy.

I much doubt it; but I shall Obey.

Keeper.

Now, Mr. Tom. If I may be so bold▪ Favour me with a sight of the Minutes of your House.

Tom.

With all my heart, here they are.

Keeper.

What's here! A Castle, a Wind-Mill, and Shepherd with a Ram at his back?

Tom.

Ay, Sir, a sort of Aegyptian short Hand, containing the substance of their Resolves. The [...] Renvers'd and in the Air, denotes the independency of our House; The Wind-Mill without Sails, an Expedition without Means or Leader; and the Ram butting the Shepherd on the Breech, or in other words, dismissing him from having any further Authority over him.—

Keeper.

That wants no Explanation. You'll Watch them, Tom, and serve them in the same Capacity, if they meet again.

Tom.

To the best of my Skill.

Keeper.

Let's to Dinner.

Exeunt.

Finis Actus Primi.

[Page]

Act Second,

Scene First·

Enter Babilard, Fizle, Flip, Coxcomb.

Babilard.

YOu see what our wise Resolves have brought upon us, we shall never do his buss'ness in this way, Muzled as we are; I wish my Advice had been follow'd.

Fizle.

Pray what was that?

Babilard.

I was for proceeding in the way of secret Representations and Remonstrances against him, which My Lord Oinobaros, his declar'd Enemy, might have long e'er this improv'd to his Ruin.

Fizle.

That was my own Method, but that which discourages me is, that at Parting my Lord assur'd me, That he would return in six Moneths, and Confirm me in my Patriarchat; instead of that, he has himself taken up with the Wardenship of a Spunging-house.

Cox [...]o [...]b

No, that Method will never do. Have not I, and my Friends transmitted to Mr. W [...]y Rump a Ream of Complaints, as big as the Bunch on his back, which were Referr'd to the Consideration of the [...] sitting Mebmers of the little House, and he was dismiss'd with a Kick o' h' Breech. We must Accuse him of something more Flagrant; Trifles won't do.

Fizle.

[...], Then I have another Device for you. You see he can Dissolve our Senate with a Crack of his Whip, so there is nothing to be done that way. Let us incorporate our selves into a Consistory; That I believe He dare not touch, without being Reputed an Enemy to the Consistory; and if he does, we may hunt him down full Cry at present

Flip

That I shold like well enough, but I'm afraid the Cunning Rogue won't meddle with us, as such.

Fizle.

We'll say, and swear, That he did, and that's all one. I have a Plot in my head, which I hope will do the buss'ness; in the mean time, go you and acquaint the Rest, that they meet us here in full Consistory Immediately.

Exit Babilard, and Coxcom.

Flip.

Pray, Brother, Instruct me in your Contrivance, I may help you out with my Advice.

Fizle.

It is briefly this. This same Rogue was ever an Enemy to the short Coats and Scanty Skirts of the Laity, and Consequently to the long Robes and Pudding Sleeves of the others; I'll instantly have my long Coat Beskirted and Besh—, and give out, That it is He, or some of his People, who has don't. If any should be so Heterodox as to doubt the truth o'nt, I have some ready to swear to the Size and Colour of the T—.

Flip.

I like this well; about it streight, I'll attend them here, Open the Consistory in your Name, and Prepare 'em for what is to ensue.

Exit Fizle.

Flip.

This same Fizle is a Notable Fellow for the head of a Consistory, if he had but a Competent Doze of Brains; but Th [...]se are so shallow [Page] that a Louse may suck 'em up without surfeiting, which [...] that noble Portion of Malice, with which he is Liberally [...] of little use to the Publick.

Act Second, Scene Second.

Enter Mulligrub, Doodlesack, Babilard, Coxcomb, Tom, Aesop, &c.

Flip

IN the Absence of My Brother Fizle whose occasions have call'd him away for a litle time, I am to acquaint you, That he has of his own free Will, meer Motion and by virtue of the Plenitude of his Patriarchal Authority, chosen and elected you for his Consistory-men and Counsellors in all Cases and Causes Visible and Invisible.

Coxcom.

We are highly honor'd by his Choice, and Promise an Implicit Obedience to his pleasure.

Enter Fizle.

Fizle.

O Horror! O Abomination! was ever the like seen, heard or read of!

Flip.

What's the Matter?

Fizle.

As I went to Robe my self for the more decent Attendance on this Consistory I found my Robes in this Pickle! That Vestment, so Reverenc'd by the Antient and Modern World, beskirted and Bedaub'd with what I must not name!

Aesop.

Who has done this?

Fizle.

Who has done it! Who but the known Enemies to Consistorys and Long Skirts?

Aesop.

But methinks your Discretion should have directed you to our Keeper with this Complaint.

Fizle.

Our Keeper! One of my Brethren told him of it but now, and he coldly Reply'd, If Mr. Fizle from the Redundancy of [...] Zeal has beshit himself, the Abundance of his Wisdom, methinks, should prevail with him to keep the Secret, and make himself Clean.

Mulligr.

A plain Proof the Keeper is the Man.

Coxcomb.

Ay, Ay, There Needs No Other Proof; it must be the Keeper.

Fizle.

I own, I thought so from the beginning; but what course shall we steer for Redress?

Flip.

If I may be thought worthy to advise in a matter of this Moment, we shall immediately Address My Lord Oinobaros on this head, he being a Devotee to Long Robes of both Gendres, must highly Resent this Affront, and with the Assistance of Androboros, no less an Enemy to the Keeper, may Manage it to his Ruin and our Satisfaction.

Babil.

Let Mr. Fizle draw up an Address, and we'll all sign it.

Fizle.

Gentlemen, If such is your pleasure, I'll retire with the Clerk, prepare one, and submit it to your Approbation.

All.

Pray go about it.

Exit Fizle and Tom.

Aesop.

I Resent this Affront to the Long Robe as much as any Man, but methinks you proceed too hastily, and upon too slender Grounds against your Keeper. We all know the Malice of Mr. Fizle's heart, [Page] and that it has Increas'd in proportion to the Keepers good Nature. Had he been oftner Check'd, he had been less Troublesome to himself and us. Let us not provoke our Keeper; for my part, I think he is a good one.

Coxcom.

What! is he not an Enemy to the Consistory?

Aesop.

No, he is an Enemy to their Folly, and can well distinguish between the Function and the Person who abuses it. Pray give me leave to divert you, 'till Fizle returns, with another Tale; It is harmless, and I hope will give no Offence.

In the beginning God made Men,

And all was well, but in the End

Men made their Gods, and Fondly pay'd 'em.

The Worship due to him that made 'em,

And all was wrong; for they Increas'd,

And Multiply'd like Man and Beast.

But none were bold in Reverence

So much as Phoebus, God of sense

And Non-sense, Patron, as occasion

Did serve, of Arts and Inspiration.

Once on a day as he was led

About to give a Cast of's Trade,

Whether to Dance, or Sing, or Fiddle,

Or as some say, to read a Riddle,

I know not; but what-e'er it was,

His Veh [...]cle was but an Ass,

And he none of the wisest neither;

For when the Crowd had got together

To pay due Homage to their God,

Strowing with Flow'rs the Path he rode,

And singing P [...]ans, the vain Beast

Believ'd all this, to him Address't:

He Pranc'd, and Flung, and Frisk'd about,

Scatt'ring much Dirt among the Rout,

And bray'd as if h' had got a Pack

Of Dev'ls, and not a God on's back.

The Crowd essay'd by gentle ways,

To Curb his Pride, and smooth Pace;

But all was talking to the Wind;

For Zeal is deaf, when-e'er 'tis blind.

Finding all other Methods fail,

They seiz'd him by the Ears and Tail,

And took the Idol from his back,

With many a lusty Bang and Thwack.

They let him know, that Phoebus was

The God, and he was but an Ass.

How d'ye like it? It is an old Tale, but a true Eccum Ipsum; let him speak for himself.

[Page]

Act Secon [...] Scene Third.

Enter Fizle and Tom.

Fizle.

GEntlemen, I have finish'd the Address Is it your pleasure that the Clerk read it?

All.

Ay, Ay.

Tom.

reads.

To the most Potent Lord Oinobaros, Court of Kynommati [...], Baron of Elaphokardia, The General Consistory of New [...] Humbly Represent, That we your Excellencies ever [...] Subjects,

Fizle.

Devoted Subjects.

Tom.

Under a deep sense of the manifold Bastings we Enjoy'd.

Fizle.

Blessings, you Ouph you.

Tom.

Blessings we Enjoy'd under your Wild Administration.

Fizle.

Mild Administration.

Tom.

Mild Administration, find our selves at this time under a Nonsensical Inclinat [...]on.

Fizle.

What's that? Let me see't, Non-sensical Inclination! It can't be so, It is Indispensible Obligation.

Tom.

Ay, it should be so.

Fizle.

Write it down so then.

Tom.

'Tis done. Finding our selves under an Incomprehensible Obstinat [...]on.

Flip.

'Owns'! That's worse than t'other.

Tom.

Cry Mercy, That is a blunder, Indispensible Obligati [...]n to have Recourse to your Excellencies known Condemnable Opposition to our Consistory, and all Things Sacred.

Fizle.

I think the Dev'l is in the Fellow. It is Commendable Disposition.

Tom.

You use so many Long Words, that a Clerk who is not a Scholar may easily mistake one for another. Towards our Consistory, and all things Sacred, Take leave humbly to Represent, That on the Ev'ning which succeeded the following Day.

Fizle.

Thou Eternal Dunce! The Ev'ning which preceded All-hallowday,

Tom.

Which preceded All-hallowday some open or secret Enemies to this Consistory broke into our Cupboard.

Fizle.

Ward-Robe.

Tom.

Wardrobe, taking from thence some Lumber appertaining to the Chief of our Rogues, I mean; some Robes appertaining to the Chief of our Number, which they Inhumanely Tore to pieces and Bedaub'd with Odour.

Mulligrub.

Hold! I make Exception to that, for there are sweet Odours as well as sower.

Flip.

'Slid; 'tis Ordure, (and not Odour) which is but another Name for a T—d.

Mulligr.

Write it down so then, for a T—is a T—all the world over▪

Aesop.

And the more you stir it, the more 'twill stink. But go on.

Tom.

Now tho' we cannot Possibly Prove, yet we Affirm Possitively, That it is our Keeper.

[Page]Aesop.

How's that?

Fizle.

He reads wrong; it is, Tho' we cannot Possitively Prove, yet we Affirm, That possibly [...] our Keeper. Go on.

Tom

Our Keeper, or some of his People, who is guilty of this Facetious Fact.

Fizle.

Flagitious F [...]ct.

Tom.

Flagitious Fact. We further beg leave to Represent, That this Morning in a Collective Body, by a great Brutality of Noises.

Fizle.

Plurality of Voices.

Tom.

We had declar'd him a Raskal, but he had the Impudence to send us packing to our Cells, though we had several Merduous Matters under the In [...]ection of our Hose.

Mulligrub

Hold! I do not well understand that, Read it again.

Fizle.

He cant read his own Hand; it is Several Arduous Matters under the Inspection of our House. Go on.

Tom.

Wherefore it is our humble and earnest Supplication, That we may be once more put under your Wild Distraction.

Fizle.

Mild Direction.

Tom.

Or that of the Excrement Androboros.

Fizle.

Excellent Androboros.

Tom.

That so we may give a Loose to Our Knavery.

Fizle.

I'm afraid, Sirrah, you are a Knave; Get loose from our Slavery.

Tom.

I'm afraid, Sirrah, you are a Knave; Get loose from our Slavery, and fix a stolid Security for our Nasty Foundations.

Fizle.

Is the Dev'l in thee! A solid Foundation for our lasting Security.

Tom,

A solid Foundation for our lasting Security. And your Petitioners, like Asses as they are, in a durty Pound, shall never cease to Bray.

Fizle.

(Raskal! it should be) like as they are in Duty Bound, shall never cease to pray. (I could swear he reads thus on purpose.)

Aesop.

And not be For-sworn. But have you done?

Tom.

Yes, an't please your Honors.

Fizle.

Gentlemen, do you approve of this Draught?

Aesop.

I like it as the Clerk read it.

Mulligrub.

I approve of all, except the Ordure; I'll have it a T—:

Coxcom.

You'll have it a T—, A T— in your Teeth; it shall stand as it is Ordure.

Mulligrub.

T—d.

Doodlesack

[...] on the Cant van de T—d.

Babilard

Let us Compromise the Matter, and make it Turdure.

All.

Ay, agreed.

Aesop.

Gentlemen, you have agreed to the Draught of an Address; but what is to be done with it?

Coxcom.

Transmitted to Oinobaros.

Aesop.

For what purpose?

Coxcomb.

To ged Rid of our Keeper, and get Oinobaros in his room.

Aesop

If you should, my mind Forbodes you would repent the Change.

Coxcomb.

Why?

Aesop,

Why! why because a man who could never yet Govern himself, will make but a sorry Governour for others▪

[Page]Coxcomb.

Have a care what you say; Th [...]t is Scandalum Magnatum.

Doodlesac.

Pray, Mr. Tom. Wat is dat [...]ating? Ick fore [...]t [...]e't ni [...]t▪

Tom.

He say, my Lord is in a very great Post, call'd, The Scandal [...] in Magnatum.

Doodlesack

Is it given him lately.

Tom.

No, he has it by inheritance.

[...]

Be advis'd by me; Lay your Address aside, and keep as you are; As for your Keeper, none of you can say that he [...]as done you any ha [...]m; and for my part I am convinc'd, that he has done us much good. I must beg leave to tell you a Story.

Coxcomb.

Hang you and your Storys; we shan't mind 'em.

Aes [...]p.

You may give it the same fair play you did to Mull [...]ub's Speech; hear it, tho' you do not mind it. I pray your patience.

The Frogs, a Factious fickle Race,

With little Maners, and less Grace,

Croak'd for a King so loud,

That all the Host of Heav'n sate mute

Nodding to Jove to grant their suit,

And give 'em what they wou'd.

A King they had, of such a size

Who's Entry too, made such a Noise,

That Ev'ry Neut and Frog

Affrighted, run to hide their heads;

Some in the Pool, some 'mongst the Reeds▪

Like Fools, 'Twas but a Log.

At last, one bolder than the rest,

Approach'd, and the new Prince Address't,

No hurt from thence sustain'd,

He mock'd his former Fears, and swore

'Twas the best stick of Wood that o'er

The Marshes ever Reign'd.

Then all the Croaking Crew drew near,

And in his shade from th' angry Air

Were shelter'd safe, and eas'd,

Nay, more then that, they'd frisk and play

Upon his back a live long day,

He Undisturb'd and pleas'd.

The Pertest Frog of all the Pack,

A Toad, some say, his hue was Black;

'Tis true; but that's no matter,

Upon the passive Monarch's head,

At times would Noxious Venom shed,

And both his sides bespatter.

'Twas That same Frog, the Legends tell,

Burst when he only meant to swell,

Soon after these Events.

[Page]Be that as 'twill, 'twas He that drew

That giddy Senseless Crowd to new

Sedition and Complaints.

Give us a bustling King, Dread Sir!

They cry [...]d, a King that makes a stir;

This is not to be mov'd.

Jove heard and gave 'm one, who's care

Was, that they should Obey and Fear,

No matter how they Lov'd.

It was a Sto [...]k, who's Law-less Rage

Spar'd neither Sex, Degree nor Age,

That came within his reach.

And that was great, for whilst his Claws

Ransack't the Deep, his Vulturs Jaws

Could wander o'er the Beach.

Then they Implor'd the God to send

From heav'n a Plague, from Hell a Fiend,

Or any but this Curse.

Peace, cry'd the Monarch of the Gods,

Ye Worms; Keep him you have, 'tis odds

The Next may prove a Worse.

Now If you please, you may put the Question about your Address. I take it to be Log or Stork.

Enter Door-Keeper.

Door-keeper.

Here's a Courier from Androboros, just return'd from the Expedition, who desires Admittance.

Aesop.

It is the most Expeditious Expedition I ever heard of; let us adjourn the Address, and receive the General's Message.

Fizle.

Let him come in.

Enter Messenger.

Messenger.

The Renown'd Androboros with a tender of his hearty Zeal and Affection sends this to the Consistory, the Senate being Discontinued.

Delivers a Letter.

Fizle Reads.

RIght Frightful and Formidable, We Greet you Well, And by this Acquaint you, That for many Weighty Considerations Us thereunto moving, We have thought fit to adjourn the Indended Expedition to a more proper season, because we have, upon due and Mature Examination been fully convinc'd, that the Mulomachians, our Reputed Enemies, are in very deed our good and faithful Friends and Allies, who, to remove all Doubts and Scruples, have freely offer'd to Consolidate Consistories with us, as also to divide with us the Commerce of the World, generously resigning and yeilding to us that of the two Poles, reserving to themselves only what may lie between e'm. They have likewise Condescended that we shall keep some Forts and Holds, which by the Fortune of the War they could not take from us, and have [Page] promis'd and engag'd to Raze and Demolish some Places in their Possession to our prejudice, so soon as more Convenient are built in their [...]oom and place. You are further to understand, to your Great satisfaction, that this is a Treaty Litteral and Spiritual▪ so that having two Handles it may be Executed with the greater Facility, or if need be, the One may Execute the other, and so it may Execute it self. Now these Concessions (tho' it be well known that I hate Boasting) having been obtain'd, in a great measure, by the Terror of my Name and Arms, I expect your Thanks. And so we bid you heartily Farewell.

Androboros.

Aesop.

Buzzzzz, Hummmmm, Buzzzzz—

Fizle.

What Return shall we give to this Civil and Obliging Message?

Aesop.

Return him his Letter.

Coxcomb.

No, let us vote him Thanks, a Statue and a Triumph!

Enter Keeper.

Keeper.

Be not surpriz'd, I have heard what you are about, and Cordially joyn with you in what you propose, in honour of the Valiant Androboros, Having received instructions from my Superiors to use that mighty Man according to his Deserts.

Aesop.

What! Is our Keeper Mad too?

Keeper.

In the Mean time, all Retire to your respective Apartments▪ until due Dissposition be made for his Reception.

Exit manent Fizle and Aesop.

Act Second, Scene Fourth.

WHat Man! I'th Dumps, because our Keeper let fall a word or two about Orders to use a certain great Man according to his deserts!

Aesop.

I hope he has receiv'd the same Orders relating to you.

Fizle.

There is more in this than you Imagine; I ever believ'd, that it would come to this at last.

Aesop.

Why? What's the matter?

Fizle.

The Keeper undoubtedly has receiv'd Orders to resign to Androboros.

Aesop.

What then?

Fizle.

What then! I'll tell you what then; Then My Brethren and I shall have our due, and you with yours be proud to lick the Dust off our Feet.

Aesop.

Ha'nt ye your Allowence?

Fizle.

What of that? That's no more then the Law gives us.

Aesop.

And you would have more. Law or Custom make an Inch to an Ell very fair allowance; you, it seems, want an Ell to an inch. I wish your Stint might be some how ascertain'd; but that, I doubt, cannot easily be compass'd. And whosoever, by giving hopes to find an end of your Craving will find himself deceiv'd, I'll tell you a Tale to this

[Page]

The Rats, a Tribe much better fed

Then taught, that mortally abhor'd

To work, lov'd ease and eating, fled

For shelter to a Saxon Lord,

Who's Barns and Paunch were ever full,

And nothing Emply but his Skull.

Here did they Revel at their ease,

Far from the watchful Pusses Eye;

For he had banish't all that Race

For th' Love they bore to liberty

And Cleanliness, Things to his Nature

As opposite as Fire to Water.

His steward put him oft in mind,

That all his plenty only serv'd

To Fatten Vermin, whilst the Hind

That Labour'd, and his Servants starv'd;

And what was worse, th' Infirm and Por [...]

Unfed, unpity'd, ply'd his Door.

To this, the Chu [...]le reply'd at length,

And they may all starve on for me,

The Rats eat not above a Tenth,

These would Consume me one in Three,

They are the Rats that would destroy me,

The others cannot much annoy me.

The pamper'd Tribe familiar grown

By this Indulgence, Lodg'd themselves

No more as heretofore they ad done,

In holes and Corners, and on Shelves,

But in his Robes, and in the upshot,

They ate his very Heart and Guts out.

God beyt't ye.

Exit Esop.

Fizle.

Rats! a Dog! I'll Rat ye, ye Whorson Tale-Teller, you Vermin! a Son of a Whore—

Exit Fizle.

Act Third,

Scene First.

Enter Keeper, Deputy, Tom and Servant.

Deputy.

WIth all due Submission, Sir, give me leave to ask you what you mean by the splendid Reception you have promis'd to give to that Odd Man?

Keeper.

Very Little besides Diversion. My Superiors, as I am inform'd, have Cloath'd him with Sham-Powers meerly to get rid of his Noise and Trouble; and since these must fall to my share, I'll humour him to keep him quiet.

Deputy.

That is not to be hop'd for whilst he lives.

[Page]Tom.

Persuade him that he is dead then.

Keeper and Deputy.

Ha, Ha▪ Ha,

Tom.

It is far from Impossible, however Extravagant you may think the Overture. If you'll be rul'd by me, I'll answer for the Success of what I propose, under any Penalties you please. I'm sure he has had the Art to Dream himself into Notions every whit as Absurd. His Imagination is very ductile when 'tis heated, and by a Long Practice upon't, he has made it as susceptible of Impressions from Without, as it has been of these from Within. Do you but when he appears, behave your selves as if he were Invisible, and take no maner of Notice of what he shall say or do, and I'll answer for the rest. Here he comes, mind him not.

Enter Androboros.

Tom.

I was not present, Sir, when he Expir'd, but arriv'd a few Minutes after.

Keeper,

So suddenly too! I wish he may not have had foul play.

Androb.

Your Servant▪ Gentlemen, I hope I do not Interrupt you; pray, who is it you speak of?

Tom.

No, Sir, he dy'd of an uncommon Disease, The Physitians call it, a Tympany in the Imagination, occasion'd by a collection of much Indigested Matter there, which for want of due Excretion, made a breach in the Pericrane, at which that great Soul took its flight.

Keeper.

Had he made his Will?

Androboros.

Pray, Gentlemen, who is it that's Dead?

Tom.

I have not heard of any.

Androb.

Cry mercy, I thought—

Tom.

Only about the time he Expir'd, he Cry'd, I leave This World, this Worthless World to My Delamya, O Delamya!

Androb.

You Impudent Dog you, dare but to Profane that sacred Name with thy base breath, and I'll crush thee to Nothing.

Tom.

Hark, did not you hear an odd Noise?

Deputy.

Something like the Humming of a Bee.

Tom.

Me thinks it sounded rather like the Breath of the Bung of an Empty Barrel.

Androb.

You Sawcy Knave, Take that.

Strikes him a Box o'th' Ear

Tom.

It was nothing but a Flea in my Ear.

[Scratching his Ear.]

And so, (as I was saying▪) with that Name in his Mouth he Expir'd.

Androb.

Gentlemen, I am not to be made a May-Game, your betters shall be acquainted with your Conduct.

Exit.

Keeper.

Run Tom, and allay or baulk his Fury.

Exit Tom.

What d'ye think of Tom's Project, is it Not an Odd One?

Deputy.

I hardly believe Hell succeed, but if he does, what then!

Keeper.

Then We shall live at ease, he'll dream no more, when he thinks that he's dead. It is amazing that this Mans Visions, like Yawning, should be catching. The Inhabitants of this Tenement are not the only Dupes of his Quixotism.

Deputy.

That Indeed is matter of Wonder; and if the Countenance given to Folly be not all Grimace, The World is as Mad as he.

Enter Tom.

[Page]Tom.

I have Instructed the Porter, and the other Servants, and have proclaim'd to all, the General remains Incognito, until he makes his Publick Entry, and that no notice is to be taken of him▪ more then if he were Absent, under the Pain of his highest Displeasure.

Keeper.

So far all goes well. But you must Intrust Solemn and Aesop with your Plot.

Tom.

I have already. The first is to be my Conjurer

Keeper.

Conjurer!

Tom.

Yes, my Conjurer; To him alone, and that too but some times, he shall be visible, to all besides, a shadow, an Emply Name. Here they come.

Enter Solemn and Aesop.

Keeper.

Gentlemen, you have your Q.

Solemn.

Do you but keep your Countenance, leave the rest to us.

Chairs and a Table, they sit down.

Enter Androboros.

Androb.

Sure all the World is Mad, or have a mind to make me so; I try'd to get out, but the Porter lean't his Staff against my Nose, and belch't full in my Chops; a Culverine could not have done more suddain Execution than that Erruption of Barm and Tobacco Smoak.

Solemn.

When is he to be Interr'd?

Tom.

This Ev'ning, but is to lie in State here till then.

Androboros,

I made a Shift to recover my self, and attempted the back passage; but in the Door of the Kitchin I was saluted with a Pale of cold Water, which had like to have been succeeded by a Shovel of burning Coals, but that I made a speedy Retreat. Something's the matter, what e'er it is; I'll listen here and find it out.

Keeper.

But▪ why so suddainly? 'Tis strange so Great a Man should be bury'd with so little Ceremony.

Androb.

Bury'd, said he!

Tom.

It is done by the advice of Physitians, who have declar'd that his Disease was such as makes a man stink vilely after he is dead.

Keeper.

The fair Delamya! how does she bear the Loss?

Tom.

She's Inconsolable, ready to burst her sides.

Keeper.

How! Tom? Yes, Sir, Excess of Joy makes some People Weep; Excess of Grief makes her Laugh [...] Inordinately, and Cry out Incessantly, Are these our promised Joys, O Androboros! One Grave shall hold us. And then she laughs again.

Androb.

Androboros, it seems then I'm dead; 'tis odd that I should not know it. I'll try that.

Takes a Chair.

Keeper▪

Poor Lady, she lov'd him well, I doubt she'll be as good as her Word.

Aesop.

Who set this Empty Chair by me?

Solemn.

Save me, ye Kinder Powers, and guard my Senses!

Keeper.

What's the matter Man? What d'ye see?

Tom.

It is but a Raving fit, the Effect of deep study▪ he is often taken so.

Solemn.

No, my sense is temperate as yours. Look there, There ☞

[Page]Aesop.

There is a Chair, What then?

Shoveing it with his Foot.

Solemn.

Have ye no Eyes? Can't you see?

Keeper.

For my part I see nothing but what I use to see.

Solemn.

Why there, in that Chair sits the Venerable Form of the deceas'd Androboros, in nothing differing from that Awful Figure he once made, but that you regard it not.

Keeper.

Sure he Raves.

Aesop.

That Chair. Why there's nothing in that Chair. There it lies.

Strikes down Androboros, Chair and all.

Solemn.

O! Offer it no Violence.

Androb.

You Old Dog, I'll be Reveng'd.

Goes off.

Solemn.

See how it Stalks off! With what Majestick Air, and how Stern a Brow! It Resents the Indignity offer'd. Ha, Ha, Ha.

All.

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

Tom.

Now we have him; it begins to work, if I do not mistake his Looks.

Deputy.

I had much ado to contain my self.

Keeper.

What's next to be done?

Tom.

Trust that to me; but be sure not to mind him, ev'n tho' he should be Outragious. To Solemn only he must be visible for some time. Have you got your Conjuring Tackle ready?

Solemn.

I have. [...]hat will serve the turn. O here he comes again in very pensive Mood and doleful Dumps. All walk off, as if you saw him not; I'll remain alone.

Exeunt Keeper, Deputy, Tom and Aesop, passing by Androboros without taking Notice of him.

Act Third, Scene Second.

Solemn at the Table with Books and Implements.

Enter Androboros.

Androb.

'TIs Strange, Wondrous strange, I should take the whole to be a Trick, were it not that my best, my firmest Friends, who never could be Induc'd to practice upon me in this gross manner, behave themselves to my Face as if they saw me not. Whilst I sate at that Table, That only Raskal, Solemn saw me, and started and star'd as if he had seen a Ghost; The rest saw nothing. They were talking of my Disease, Death, Burial and latter Will, as of things certain, and of publick knowledge. I think I'm pretty sure that I am Alive, tho' it seems, I am singular in that belief. I See, I Feel, I Hear as I us'd to do, ev'n now I hear my own Voice as plain as can be; I have Thought and Reflection as usual. But, Alas! departed Spirits if they think at all, must think that they do think, that is, that they are not dead, — It may be so — Ev'n that very Knave who but now could see me, sits musing by himself as if if I were not here. I Remember it was the Common Opinion that a Ghost that walks, could [Page] be seen but by One of a Company. But why should he be blind now?

Walks nearer.

Solemn.

It must Portend some suddain Change i'th' State; For Ghosts of Note never walk but upon these solemn Errands.

Androb.

He does not see me yet; I remember I was on th' other side when he saw me last.

Goes to the other side.

Solemn.

If the poor Spirit is permitted once more to haunt these Walls, I'll question it, if my Courage fail me not; he may, perhaps, have something of Moment in Commission.

Androb.

If you can't see me, can't you hear me, you old Dev'l you?

Bawling.

Solemn.

How painful, yet unprofitable are all the deeper ways of Art? The Vulgar undisturb'd, Frequent the silent Shades, and quietly enjoy the pleasure of soft Recess or Balmy Slumbers, whilst I whom Science has rais'd so far above them, have not a peaceful hour. If at any time I would see into Futurity, I must take my Talisman, and then all Ghosts or Spectres which chance at that time to crowd the Ambient Air, become visible to me, and to me alone. Not dreaming of any search into the Intellectual World; but by meer Chance, I grasp'd my Talisman thus, when streight —

Takes a Tobacco-stopper out of his Pocket. Starts up Wildly.

Angels and all the Ministers of Grace, Defend me. Be thou a Spirit of [...] or Goblin Damn'd! Bring with thee Airs from Heav'n, or Blasts from Hell, Thou Com'st in such a Questionable Shape, I'll speak to Thee. Thanks Good Hamlet for this again, I'll

Softly

call thee General. Valiant Androboros, O speak.

Androb.

I tell you, ye Old Fool—

Solemn.

O speak, if ought of dire Import.

Androb.

Why, I'll tell you, Sirrah—

Solemn.

[...] this our state disturbs thy sacred Shade, impart, O speak.

Androb.

Let me speak then, and be hang'd —

Solemn.

For sure no common Cause could raise thee from thy silent Herse.

Androb.

'Owns! Can your Talisman make you See, and not make you Hear, You Old Conj'ring Dog, you?

Solemn.

Its Lips Tremble, as if it would Speak, but this is not the time. Up, Up, my Talisman, and give thy Master and the Perturbed Spirit Quiet for a Season. —

Puts Vp his Tobacco-stopper.

Now all is well again.—

Sits Down.

Sure something is Amiss, what-e'er it is. Now he has lost Sight of Me again.

Androb.

Take out your what d'ye-call't once more, and may be I may tell you all.

Solemn.

If I should impart this Odd Event to others, they'll not Credit it, and to show him in his Aerial Form, I dare not.

Androb.

Can you show me to other Folks? I'm glad of that. You shall —

Solemn.

Lest the Odious Name of Conjurer should be fixt upon me, and I (such is the prevailing Ignorance and Envy of the Age) instead of being Reverenc'd for my Science be hang'd for a Wizzard.

[Page]And [...]ob.

Look ye, I'll answer for you.

Solemn.

Some other time I'll venture further, Mean while 'tis fit that I retire and ruminate upon this odd Phoenomenon, and find out by my Talismanick Art some means to unsear its Lips.

Exit.

Androb

Unsear your Ears, ye Old Buzzard, I can speak, but you, it seems, can't hear. He's gone, a Pestilence go with him. I can't tell what to think of it; Am I bew'itch't, or am I really Dead, as they say? It cannot be. Why, is not that a Hand as plain as a Pike Staff? Is not this a Nose? Don't I feel? Yes surely, to my Cost; for my back Akes still with the bruise I got when that Villain Aesop Over-set my Chair — yet I remember to have heard the learned say, that it is the Soul alone that Feels, the Body is but a Senseless Mass. If I did not think, I should not feel; then Perhaps I only think I feel. Think! I know not what to think, or whether I think at all, If I am Alive or Dead, or whether I ever was alive or no. Sure all this cannot be a Dream; I wish it were, and that I were fairly awake. O here come my good Friends, Fizle and Fl [...]p. Now I shall know.

Enter Fizle and Flip.

Fizle.

You must take no Notice of him at all, before he makes his Publick Entry; He'll have it so, and you know his Humor. Poor Tom has been Whipt almost to Death by his Orders, for barely Saluting him.

Flip.

That is a little Whimsical, by the by; me thinks he might be visible to his Friends.

Androb.

What's that? Pray Gentlemen, let me ask you one Question, because I hear, That there is some Doubt my Visibility; D'ye see me? Am I Alive or Dead? What d'ye Think?

Fizle.

I told you so, this he does to try our Obedience. Answer him Not.

Androb.

Will neither of you Answer me?

Fizle.

At six a Clock I'll meet you here again. Adue.

Exeunt severally, without Noticing him.

Androb.

They're Gone, and saw me not! Nay, then 'tis too True, I am Dead, as sure as I'm Alive; Dead, Dead as a Herring, and something worse too; for I am Condemn'd to Converse with no Body, but Old Solemn, who ever was a Hell upon Earth to me. Would I could change that Doom for any other. Could I but have the Company of my fellow Ghosts, I should be in some measure Happy, but that is not my Lot, it seems. If the Old Conjurer can but unsear Lips, as he calls it, or uncork his own Ears, as I take it, I might perhaps prevail with him to Conjure me a little better Conversation than his own. It is Tormenting, that I must be oblig'd to him: but there is no Remedy; I'll Wheadle him with a Story of the other World, of which I know as little as he does; That may work upon him.

Enter Tom. with a Broom Sweeping the Gallary.

Tom.

What a Clutter is here about the Earthing an Old Stinking Corps, Would he had had lain in State in some other place; but rest his Soul, such was his Will.

Sings.

[Page] Whenas Old Nick-N [...]ck Rul'd this Land,

A Doughty Blade he wore.

Four Dozen Hides he Tam [...]d,

Of Gyants eke Four Score.

Androb.

I wonder if the Ghosts of other Men hear all the Vile Things that are said and Sung of them after their Death?

Tom sweeps the Dust on him.

Tom.

But now he's Dead, and laid in Clay.—

This Dust is most Abominably Salt, I must qualify 't a little.

Drinks, and spurts it upon him.

What a Plaguy Earthy Taste this same small Beer has got, all of a suddain.

Sings.

But now he's Dead and laid in Clay,—

Androb.

That's a Lye, for I a'n't Bury'd yet, by his own Confession.

Tom.

Alack, and Wo therefore,

The Gyants they may go to play,

The Dragons sleep and snore.

What a Carrion stink here is; the more I sweep the more it stinks.

Androb.

Solemn Can see me, but can't hear me; This Fellow can neither see me nor hear me; but he can smell me; I'll try if he can feel me.

Tom.

The Dragons sleep and snore.— The stink Comes that way.

Buts him on the Breast with the Broom.

I'll Perfume the Air a little.

Besprinkles him with the Bottle.

Androb.

Hold, Sirrah, hold. Well, if I were alive they durst not have us'd me thus; This Usage convinces me more then any thing else.

Exit.

Tom.

He has it, he has it; I doubt it will be a hard matter to perswade him to Life again.

Act Third, Scene Third.

Enter Fizle and Flip.

Fizle.

WE see, Tom, you are very busy. But if it be no Interruption, pray give us leave to ask you, In what manner the General is to make his Entry?

Tom.

You have it.

Fizle.

Nay, Answer us Directly.

Tom.

I do, you have Leave.

Flip.

Well then, In what manner is the General to make his Entry?

Tom.

Ask him.

Fizle.

Thank you for [...] him, and have our Curiosity [Page] answer'd as yours was. But we know that it depends in [...] great measure on the Keeper, and you of late are more [...] than we.

Tom.

If it depends upon the Keeper, He'll make his Entry by way of Exit? If upon himself, it is Problematical, and admits of several Solutions.

Flip.

As how?

Tom.

Either, Hurry-Durry, Hum-Drum, or Blud and 'Owns. Rest you Merry, Gentlemen.

Exit.

Fizle.

We shall learn nothing from this Fellow; but so far we know, that the Keeper must assist at it; And from a broad by hints we have understood, that if he is destroy'd any how, so the General be not seen in't, He'll take that Trust upon himself; Then all will be Well. Now if we can but Contrive to have the Chair over Loaded, plac'd Upon the Hatch over the Vault, and the Hatch Unbolted, or so weakly Barr'd, that its weight may sink him Down, we shall get Rid of him, and it will appear to the world to be the meer Effect of Chance.

Tom.

Peeping.

Are you there with your Bears? I shall be up with you. I'll go find out Solemn, and try to build on this Foundation of their own Laying.

Exit.

Flip

This is Admirable, and cannot fail; Let's loose no time, but go about it streight; I'll get into the Vault, and Prepare the Bolt; do you take care to place the Chair· Here comes old Solemn; no more words, but Mumm.

Exeunt.

Enter Solemn. and Tom.

Solem▪

Are you sure that you heard distinctly? The Excess of the Villany makes it incredible!

Tom.

Am I sure that I live? But if you doubt it, the very Tampering with the Chair will Convince you.

Solemn.

Away then, acquaint the Keeper, and Aesop, leave the rest to me. One thing you must take care be Punctually Observ'd, that is, That Androboros Friends be planted next to the Chair, by way of Precedency. Quick, Quick, be gone.

Tom.

I fly.

Exit.

Solemn.

When Malice becomes a Moral Virtue, that Couple must be sainted; if the Long Robes were made use of only to Cover the Personal Defects and Blemishes of those who wear 'em, much might be said in their Defence; but when they are worn or lent to Cover Daggers, and Poyson prepar'd for the Innocent, is there a Mortal so devoid of Humanity as to appear on their side? If, as the Philosophers speak, the Corruption of the best Things produces the Worst, the Abuse of Things Sacred must he Dev'lish. O! you are come in good time.

Enter Aesop.

Pray get all in order for this same Entry; Neglect not that part of the Ranking of them, which I, by Tom, recommended to you. I'll Equip the General, and dispose him for his Triumph: In the mean [Page] while do you Intertain 'em with a Tale, or how you please, until he comes.

Aesop.

Dispatch then, for they grow Impatient.

Exit Aesop.

Enter Androboros.

Androb.

I hope he has by this time found a way to unsear my Lips or his own Ears, no matter which.

Solemn.

Here he comes pat. Nick-Nack, How dos't do? I'm glad to see thee Awake with all my heart.

Androb

Is the Dev'l in the Fellow? He can see me now without the help of his Gym [...]ck, not to mention your odd Familiarity. What d'ye mean by Awake? When was I asleep?

Solemn.

Asleep! You have been so [...]me out of mind. You have been Walking asleep, Talking asleep, and Fighting asleep, I know not how long.

Androb.

I'm glad it's no Worse; I Thought I was Dead, at least every body else seem'd to think so

Solemn.

Dead! No, No; it is all a Jest.

Androb.

Why, you old Rascal, you, Did not you but now start at the [...]ght of me, as if you had seen a Ghost?

Solemn.

True; yet you are not actually Dead, but Invisible to all the World besides, and must continue so, so long as I shall think fitting.

Androb.

aside.

I ever thought this Fellow had the black Art.

[to him]

I wish thou would'st change that Curse for any other. Canst thou not make thy self invisible to me, as thou hast done me to other Folks? so far I own I would be oblig'd to thee, and thank thee.

Solemn.

If that will oblige you, 'tis done, Look but into this Tellescope, and in that instant I shall become invisible to you.

Looks into a hollow Ca [...]e, Solemn from the other End blows Snuff into his Eyes.

It is done?

Androb.

Villian, Dog, Raskal, I'm blind; Where are ye, ye Villian, Murderer?

Solemn.

Here, This way, This way; You must see with your Ears, until I shall think fit to Unsear your Eyes, General; That is the bargain, if I remember right.

Exit Solemn, Androb. Groping his way after him.

Act Third, Scene Fourth.

Curtain drawn, Discovers Keeper, Deputy, Tom, Aesop, Fizle, Flip, Coxcomb, Babilard, Mullegrub, &c.

Keeper.

LEt the Black Gentlemen be Rank'd as they desire; I'll do all I can to please e'm.

Aesop.

With all my Heart, Only I thought it bad Heraldry that these who are supported by the Chair, should support it.

Keeper.

Another time you shall have your way; I'll have it so now; let the Rest observe their distance.

Here they are rank's, Fizle and Flip next to the Chair.

[Page]Aesop.

I'll keep as distant as I can, that I may be at Ease; Fizle's Phiz always gives me the Chollick. I know not why he should be suffer'd to walk at Large, to the Detriment of his Majestys Leige People, whilst so many of his Species up and down the World are Insty'd, Inkennel'd, Impounded or Incloyster'd. Did you ever hear how that same about? I'll tell you, if you please.

Keeper.

Come on.

Aesop.

And First of the First

Nature, which nothing leaves to Chance,

Had dealt to Creatures of each Kind,

Provision for their Sustenance,

To some her Bounty had Assign'd

The Herb o'th' Fields, whilst others had

The Spoils of Trees, but All were Fed.

The Grunting Kind obtain'd the last,

A happy Lot; for every Wood

Afforded store of Nuts and Mast,

And Joves own Tree did Show'r down Food

Enough for all, could all his Store

Have kept that Herd from Craving more.

But they with Sloath and Plenty Cloy'd,

Wax'd Wanton, and with Tusks Profane,

First, all the sacred Trees Destroy'd,

Which fed 'em; Next invade the Plain,

Where harmless Flocks did graze, and Spo [...]

With Rav'nous Snouts the fertile Soil.

Jove hears the loud Complaints and Cry's

Of Suff'ring Flocks, and streight Ordains,

That hence-forth Hogs be pen't in Sty's.

And fed with Wash, and Husks, and Grains,

Where ever since th' Unhallow'd Race

Wallows in Fat and Filthyness.

Secondly, Beloved—

Keeper.

No, No, We have enough of the first.

Noise within.

What Noise is that?

Androb.

within.

I'll have the Villian Hang'd; Dog, Raskal, Rogue, Scoundrel.

Aesop.

By my Life, it is the General making his Entry; It seems he has got no Herald for this Triumph, that he thus Proclaims his own Titles▪

Enter Solemn, Androboros following him.

Solemn.

Make way there, Make way; Room, Room for the General. This Way,—This Way—

Solemn Steps aside, Androboros Runs blindly upon the Chair, Fizle and Flip Endeavouring to Stop him, Sink with Him.

Fizle and Flip.

Hold, Hold; Help! Help! Help!

[Page]Keeper.

What's the meaning of this?

Solemn.

'Tis but a Trap of their Own laid for you, Sir, in which They Themselves are Caught.

Coxcomb.

Let's be gone! There is no Safety here.

Coxcom. Babi [...]ord, Mulligrub Sneaking off.

Solemn,

What! You are a making your Retreat; you need not fear, you are a sort of Vermin not worth the Bait; The others have their Deserts.

In former Ages virtuous Deeds

Rais'd Mortals to the blest Abodes,

But Hero's of the Moden Breed

And Saints go downward to the Gods.

Exeunt.

Curtain Falls.

FINIS.

Information about this book

Title statement

Androboros A bographical [sic] farce in three acts, viz. The senate, the consistory, and the apotheosis.

Hunter, Robert, 1666-1734.

Publication

Publisher

Text Creation Partnership,

Place of publication

Ann Arbor, MI :

Date

2005-12.

ID [DLPS]

N01414

ID [TCP]

N01414

ID [STC]

Evans 1681

ID [NOTIS]

APW7008

ID [IMAGE-SET]

1681

ID [EVANS-CITATION]

99013153

Availability

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

Series

Early American Imprints, 1639-1800 ; no. 1681.

Notes

(Evans-TCP ; no. N01414)

Transcribed from: (Readex Archive of Americana ; Early American Imprints, series I ; image set 1681)

Images scanned from Readex microprint and microform: (Early American imprints. First series ; no. 1681)

Source

— Androboros A bographical [sic] farce in three acts, viz. The senate, the consistory, and the apotheosis., Hunter, Robert, 1666-1734..

Extent

[6], 27, [1] p. ; (4to)

by William Bradford],. Printed at Monoropolis [i.e., New York :: since August, 1714.. (The Huntington Library copy is signed in manuscript: By Governour Hunter.) (Ascribed to the press of William Bradford by Evans.) ("This is the first printed American play. The two persons ridiculed were political enemies of Governor Hunter--Colonel Francis Nicholson and Dr. William Vesey, Rector of Trinity Church, New York."--Hill.)

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