VORTIGERN AND ROWENA; A COMI-TRAGEDY.
PASSAGES SELECTED BY DISTINGUISHED PERSONAGES, ON THE GREAT LITERARY TRIAL OF VORTIGERN AND ROWENA; A Comi-Tragedy.
VOLUME I.
SEVENTH EDITION.
LONDON: PRINTED BY H. BROWN, FOR J. RIDGWAY, YORK-STREET, ST. JAMES'S-SQUARE.
DEDICATION.
TO THE Most NOBLE!—Most ILLUSTRIOUS! Most PUISSANT!—Most MAGNIFICENT! Most IRRADIATING
IN THE BRIGHT GALAXY OF THE BRITISH PEERAGE, JAMES MARQUIS OF SALISBURY, K.G. &c! &c! &c! &c! &c! &c!
THE disputed RECORDS of ANTIENT POESY here inclosed, would be debased by a deposit in any other hands, than that cleanly pair, which so peculiarly appertain to your Lordship, as CUSTOS ROTULORUM of the MUSES! I discharge but my official [Page vi] duty then, in placing them under your stupendous protection!—But as MAGICO-MANAGER of the WHITE-WAND, and GRAND MASTER of REFINED ARTS, you must allow me to look up to your HIGH MIGHTINESS with the rest of mankind,—an astonished Gazer!
PREFACE.
As far as this interesting TRIAL. has gone, it has been conducted with that rigid impartiality which so particularly distinguishes the various Courts of BRITISH JURISPRUDENCE!—How it may terminate can be known only to the ruler of these great events: indeed, from the contrariety of weighty evidence already advanced, and the cloud of testimonies yet to be adduced, it would be highly indecorous, to indulge even a conjecture upon the probability of its decision!!
The COURT have wisely resolved to sit without further adjournment, in order now to receive at their Bar, the evidence of the first POLITICAL, and LITERARY Characters, against whom, exceptions were so ingeniously taken by Council, but which however have all been most constitutionally over-ruled. These [Page viii] being gone through, the sage and learned POLONIUS in person, will sum up the whole evidence, and after delivering a solemn and eloquent charge from the Bench, receive from the GRAND INQUEST, that VERDICT. which no doubt, will soon tend to the complete administration of LITERARY JUSTICE, by setting this GREAT QUESTION at rest for ever!!!
[Page]VORTIGERN AND ROWENA; A COMI-TRAGEDY.
PENDING the distinguished inquest under which the fact is now trying, whether the newly discovered DRAMA, is, or is not from the pen of SHAKSPEARE, it would be highly indecorous to hazard a single conjecture upon it.—The EDITOR, therefore, will content himself with merely giving a faithful transcript of all that has been successively recorded on this important subject in that fashionable Intelligencer the MORNING HERALD: only remarking, that whatever may be the final issue of the TRIAL, the passages selected from the Piece itself by the several [Page 2] VOTERS, pro and con. must remain indelible proofs of the discriminative taste of those, who have here so characteristically enrolled themselves in defence of our BELLES LETTRES.
The following is the paragraphical CHAIN by which this great Literary Concern has been brought into such general notice; viz.
PARAGRAPH.
The SHAKSPEARE discoveries, said to be made by the son of Mr. IRELAND, of Norfolk-street, are the Tragedy of LEAR, and another entitled VORTIGERN and ROWENA, now first brought to light, and both in the Bard's own hand-writing:—in the same chest are said to have been also found an antique MELANGE of love letters!—professions of faith!—billet doux!—locks of hair!—and family receipts!—The only danger, respecting faith in the discovery, seems to be from the indiscretion of finding too much! [Page 3] If poor CHATTERTON had contented himself, with drawing literary treasure in moderation from the monkish chest of ROWLEY, his own inventive genius had probably remained unknown!
ANOTHER.
Mr. IRELAND's Tragedy of VORTIGERN, whether sterling, or fictitious, is to go to Drury-lane. Mr. SHERIDAN, says, ‘"it is the finest play that SHAKSPEARE ever wrote!’—not that he has had leisure yet to read it—but he had it from an authority as classical, and unquestionably as his own judgment; viz. the solemn assurance of the great Lord SALISBURY himself, a Critic, only six removes, by lineal descent, from Mr. SHERIDAN's own immortal BURLEIGH!
FOR THE MORNING HERALD.
Your SHAKSPEARE correspondents know but little of what is going forward in the mine of discovery! Lord, Sir, if they wish to get at the whole truth, they must dip deep into the old chest, as the ancients did into the Pierean well!—indeed they are not correct even in what they have stated. For instance,—the precious LOCK OF HAIR! how comes it, they were so ignorant, as not to know, that Mr. Justice COLLICK, the first Hair Merchant in the universe, has critically inspected it, and, regardless of the sacred head of fiction from whence it was shorn, he, as a man of business, could only be brought to say, that if the whole string were as good as the sample, it was worth no more in the trade, than 3s. 9d. an ounce?—The pointed distich on the envelope, however, as his Grace of LEEDS declares, is worth a million!—Here it is:
[Page 5] By which our annotators will no doubt tell us, that the Warwickshire WAG quaintly inculcates the youthful libertinism of—catch, as catch can!—Among the more recent treasures, are a moth-eaten under PETTICOAT, an undoubted original! Mr. MALONE, who, with all his ability, knows but little about petticoats, says, this could be no part of the paraphernalia of the immortal Bard;—but Mrs. PIOZZI, and the whole Blue Stocking Club, are decidedly of a contrary opinion, and that for the best of all feminine reasons; viz. because Miss HATHAWAY, when she became Mrs. SHAKSPEARE, never failed to wear the BREECHES!—we have also Mr. Boswell's authority for this, amongst other domestica facta of the Poet. The next curiosity for the amateurs, is, a love VALENTINE, surrounded, according to antient usage, with hearts! cupids! doves! and darts! and in the centre, a typifying figure of a cock without a combe, (according to antique spelling) with this inexplicable anagram:
[Page 6] From this, some of the inspecting Literati are cruel enough to infer, that SHAKSPEARE must have had an intriguc with the daughter of his ancient enemy John a COOMBE,—the undoubted ancestor of the present Opposition ALDERMAN, who has the honour of bearing that distinguished name!
The last MORCEAU I shall treat you with at this time, is selected from the RECEIPTS, viz.‘"A RECIPEE howe to make a GOODLIE PLUMBE PUDINGE."’
Even Mr. STEEVENS admits the unquestionable authenticity of this valuable addendum to the cullnary art, by declaring, that Shakspeare could not endure the stones of plumbs, which, from setting his teeth on edge, were called jar raisins; and literally gives an appropriate citation of the following passage, from the Poet's own words, which will certainly be received as the best glossary to his own plumb pudding: ‘"SYLVUS.—Put dates enough into the bag: but, dearest chuck, I prithee make me geldings of the PLUMBES!"’
[Page 7] You shall have further documents, equally important and authentic, in a few days, from, Mr. Editor,
PARAGRAPH.
We have it from high authority, that the merits of the great question, respecting the originality of the newly discovered PLAY, are put into a train of investigation, before a LITERARY COURT of ENQUIRY, which cannot fail of the most candid, and judicious decision:—It will be managed under the auspices of an illustrious personage, who fortunately unites in his singular character, all the critical and judicial talents, requisite for so solemn a disquisition!
TO CORRESPONDENTS.
*⁎* The PROCESSION, on opening the LITERARY COURT to try the important QUESTION, whether VORTIGERN and ROWENA, is, or is not from the PEN of SHAKSPEARE? is intended for to-morrow's HERALD.
PARAGRAPH.
VORTIGERN AND ROWENA!!!
IT is with much concern we announce, that the PROCESSION, preparatory to opening the Literary Court of Inquest, to try whether this DRAMA is, or is not written by SHAKSPEARE, was obliged to be suspended till Wednesday by an unpleasant accident. Signor DELPINI, that man of mighty mouth, who was to have walked as Champion to a PRODIGIOUS COURTIER, unfortunately dislocated his jaw bone in practising an Aristocratic Grin, in compliment to his illustrious Patron!—However, the Sieur FOLLET, almost equally great in the happy distortions of the human countenance, has kindly undertaken this interesting part, and to be ready in it, that day at noon, when this introductory spectacle will certainly take place, and our readers be no longer kept in a state of anxious expectancy!
FOR THE MORNING HERALD. VORTIGERN AND ROWENA! A COMI-TRAGEDY!
Yesterday morning, at eleven o'clock, the several Officers, and other great Personages, assembled at the HUM MUMS, in Covent Garden, and from thence marched to the LITERARY COURT, in Norfolk-street, in the following STATE PROCESSION, viz.
Four MUTES, With their fore fingers placed on their lips.
A Bronze of Signor DELPINI,
In his happiest stile of face!
THE LOCK OF HAIR
Of Miss HATHAWAY, afterwards the happy
MRS. SHAKSPEARE,
Borne by Mr. Justice COLLICK, Hair Merchant,
His train supported by an Unlicensed HAIR-DRESSER, dishevelled, and without powder! preceded by a Banner, dedicated
To WIGGISM!
[Page 10]The Chief COOK of the Crown and Anchor Tavern, with cheeks a la blaze! carrying—on a trencher—The Book of FAMILY RECEIPTS! Six TRUNK MAKERS, two and two.
The Antique TRUNK
Covered with ASS-SKIN still perfect, but surcharged with moth, black beetles, and cob-webs!—the flappets of the covering supported by the six Senior ANNOTATORS on the Immortal BARD, and their train upheld by an equal number of FARCE Writers.—A Banner following, inscribed
Sacred to FICTION!
The PROMPTER of DRURY-LANE, gagged!
The Dramatic FAITH of Mr. SHERIDAN,
Delicately concealed in a Snow-drop,
And borne by Mr. KEMBLE, riding on an ELEPHANT,
Over whom waved a Streamer displaying the word MANAGEMENT!
A Groupe of SPIRITS—blue! red! black! and grey!
A Waxen Semblance of
The Mighty BURLEIGH!
His Banner advanced before, displaying
Three DRIED NEATS TONGUES,
The Family Arms, with their Motto,
"ELOQUENCE!"
[Page 11] The DANISH CHAMBERLAIN POLONIUS,
With his White Wand of Office, and his Train supported by
Three OPERA EUNUCHS!
The Sieur FOLLET,
In the Armour of HAMLET's GHOST, bearing the
Club of HERCULES, as his CHAMPION.
An Embossed MONEY-BAG,
With "LICENCES at any PRICE!"
Inscribed in Golden Characters.
Six FIDLERS, with broken bows!
Six FEMALE SINGERS, weeping!
BANNER—"Sacred to HARMONY!"
Sir FRETFUL,
Carried in torture on his own WHEEL!
The BLUE-Stocking CLUB
Slip-shod, and garter'd below knee!
VORTIGERN,
Represented by Mr. Kiddy DAVIS, as the only Gentleman of either Theatre, skilled in the Etiquette of Saxon Dignities, supported by the Under HARLEQUIN os Drury—Mr. DAVIS making it a special request, that his Train-bearer might be one who well understood trap!
[Page 12] DRAMATIC PERFORMERS,
Walking in pairs, after the antique fashion of
entering NOAH's ARK.
SCENT- [...]ERS, &c. &c. &c.
The august procession entered the COURT about one, when the Commission was opened in due form: the interesting particulars of which, we hope to record on Friday next.
FIRST DAY's TRIAL.
VORTIGERN AND ROWENA: A COMI-TRAGEDY.
AS soon as the Court was opened with all due formalities, the DANISH CHAMBERLAIN, Lord POLONIUS, arose, and gracefully made an obeisance to himself in a spacious Mirror, which was instantly returned by a figure of similar dignity, from this STATE REFLECTOR, dexterously placed in the front of the CHAIR, that his Lordship might have the judicial advantage of seeing what he himself was about, which no other person in the Court could ever know, or possibly divine!—The Sieur FOLLET, as Chamberlain's Grand [Page 14] CHAMPION, then gigantically advanced, and after throwing down his gauge, and thrice brandishing his Herculean Club, affixed a written PROCLAMATION to its butt, when placing the smaller end on the bridge of his nose, the following preliminary CHALLENGE became visible to all around; viz.
"If any one present dare gainsay, that the Lord POLONIUS is the most witty! most wise! most valorous! most eloquent! most disinterested! most beloved! most puissant! most chaste! let him come forth, and I, the unworthy Champion of that mighty Lord, will tell him, that he lyes in his teeth; and, from my furious wrath the Lord deliver his miserable carcase!!?"
[Here an enraged Musician indignantly advanced, with an intent, as was supposed, to take up the glove: but was prevented, in being humanely knocked down by one of the Beef-caters.]—A nod mandatory was now given from the Chair as a cue to the principal Harlequin, who, waving his dagger of lath over a richly inlaid tablet, a pair of folding doors of ophir flew open, and discovered an irradiating glory of aethereal blue and gold, darting its [Page 15] transcendent beams on the Title Page of an antique volume in quarto, curiously filligreed, and fretted with moths and earwigs, and entitled ‘VORTIGERN AND ROWENA;’
On Harlequin waving his lath a second time, a light coloured cloud gently descended to a soft strain of Aeolian measure, which opening, displayed a scrowl with this Inscription—
[Page 16] The instantaneous pressing forward of the Literati! Cognoscenti! Diletanti! &c. &c. of both sexes, to inspect the Record, was so great and violent, that it reached even the Chair of State like an electric shock! when Polonius, rising up, in dignified dismay, signified to his officers, by the pale vibration of his nostrils, that it was his mighty pleasure the Court should be adjourned! This was effected by the talismatic sword of Harlequin as soon as possible, but not till a few pushing characters of the Literary Jurors had fixed on the following passages, and enregistered their votes thereon; viz.
PASSAGES SELECTED AS SUFFRAGES ON THE FIRST DAY's TRIAL; viz.
I.—Lady CH. C—B—LL.
II.—Mr. B—F—Y.
‘"I do remember him a quaker boy to a Lisbon Vintner, who at morne washed his facre face in the Tagus to admire it in its glasse!—Next a grande compounder of sours and sweetes—himselfe the quintessence of bothe? Then was he a medlar in debate, until his eloquence leaked to the lees: now makes he oceans of plum wine, and, by contacte betweene water and browne sugar, will he muddle Christian men, as warie Dames catche flies!"’
III—Lady A. MURRAY.
IV.—Lord TH—RL—W.
V.—Mr. ST—V—NS.
‘—"He was, by ‘"an indenture to witte,"’ apprenticed to a twister of common sense, and afterwards set up fancie-monger on his own bottome: he lives now by stitching motlie buttons on dead Bards' jackets! And yet this varlet has humour; for he'll laughe you till his sides crack at his own comical disfigurements!"’
SECOND DAY's TRIAL.
ON resuming the Grand Literary COURT on Saturday, order was happily restored, by an emanation of that official wisdom with which the LORD POLONIUS is so peculiarly gifted! A golden padlock, it seems, had been most delicately affixed that morning to the antique clasps of the COMI-TRAGEDY. This, at first, naturally excited a little surprize, but it was soon dispelled by the very graceful delivery of the following State Paper, from the courtly hand of Mr. Kiddy DAVIS, of the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, whom the Manager has kindly lent, as SAXON REPRESENTATIVE in waiting of the heroic VORTIGERN!
(COPY.)
BY AUTHORITY!!
It is ORDERED, that no person, of what rank, quality. or degree soever, shall presume to take any part, share, or interest in, or give any public opinion on, the sacred DRAMA of Vortigern and Rowena, until such person [Page 21] shall have been first duly invested with a Two Guinea stamped LICENCE, under our hand and seal, on pain, and peril of being prosecuted with the utmost rigour, as a Vagabond, under the wholesome statute, entitled, "The Vag [...]ant ACT!" "so wisely instituted for the correction of such State abuses!
This was allowed by all the knowing ones present, to be a thou, ht of the most profound polity, and equal to any thing recorded of the sagacious House of BURLEIGH! It naturally branched itself into a two-fold good; viz. 1. as a touch-stone of insurance as to the qualification. and ability of voters!—2dly—which his Lordship's liberality must mark as the principal consideration.—it instantly made the Literary Inquest more select, tended to exped [...]e the proceedings of the Court, and thus pa [...]tically expose the endless duration of Hastings' Impeachment. Licences were accordingly taken out by those who were prepared for this voluntary LEVY: and those who were not, were very decorously kicked out of Court!
[Page 22] Another decree of a subordinate kind, likewise passed, viz. to change the suffrage, annexed to the chosen Passages, from GUILTY and Not GUILTY, to "GENUINE" and "Not GENUINE;"—the vulgar repetition of the sound of guilt, &c. being sometimes observed to raise a demi-blush of confusion on the OFFICIAL cheek!—The solemn business of the day then commenced.
The following is the List of Licenced VOTERS, and their selected Passages, enregistered at this Sitting, which we are promised in time for to-morrow's publication, viz.
- 5. Marg. ANS—H.
- 6. Earl H—WE.
- 7. Hon Mrs. ST—N—PE.
- 8. Mrs. FIIZ—T.
- 9. Lord CH—R.
- 10. Marquis TOW—D.
The CLERK in COURT has directed us to make an Frratum in our first day's report, on the Passage which Mr. B—F—Y had so aptly selected for his conscientious suffrage to repose on!—we therefore request that the Cognoscenti will erase, and thus amend the Record:
[Page 23] This emendation is unquestionably due to common decency as well as common sense. The word facre, as a Saxon derivative, unfortunately signifies sallow! it cannot therefore be supposed by those in any habits with the worthy Member for Yarmouth. that a Gentleman, naturally conscious of so fair a face himself, could have selected a passage thus personally repugnant to his own taste and feelings!
VI.—Marg—ne of AN—P—CH.
‘"Oh! she would enacte you, from earliest youthe, scenes to bewitche men's eyes! and eares! and hartes!—Of late she did performe the QUEENE right regallie; and got a goodlie Sir to play her FOOLE!—Heaven blesse her Highnesse: for she hath had her ups, and downes in this madde worlde in plentie!"’
VII.—Earl H—WE.
VIII.—Hon. Mrs. ST—N—PE.
IX.—Lord CH—R.
X.—Mrs. FITZ—T.
X—Marq—s TOW—D.
THIRD DAY's TRIAL.
XI.—Lord E—DL—Y.
XII—Duchess of Y—K.
XIII.—Miss OC—E.
XIV.—Sir JOHN S—N [...]— [...].
XV.—Lady AR—R.
XVI.—Mr. T— TH—MP—N.
FOURTH DAY's TRIAL.
XVII.—P—ss of W—L—S.
XVIII.—Duke of P—D.
XIX.—D—ss of C—D.
XX.—Sir WM. D—LB—N.
XXI.—Hon. Mrs. D—R.
XXII.—Mr. B—KE.
‘"I knewe a busie Esquire who consumed his daies in rakeing fierrie coales under the Cauldron o'the State to make hotte water!—yet he had genius, with which he sublimelie soared beyond human ken! it was also beautiful—for it scorned to traverse in a strait line;—heaven bless suche wittes from the foule fiende?"’
FIFTH DAY's TRIAL.
XXIII.—Earl of C—RL—LE.
‘"Thoughe once a Commissioner on a simple embassie, am I enacted a bond-man perpetual under the huge SEALE of follie?—Being both my friendes, and Statesmen now at oddes, you do mine honour much injurie! You have stucke me up as a pent-house, under which to meete, and call each other foule names by virtue of your prerogative courtlie! Doubtless, you will next expecte to shoote deadlie metal at each other, through my statelie bodie!—But thankes to my Witte, I have the gifte of rhyme; so will I speciallie indite my grievances in metre, that wise men may admire, and pitie me!"’
XXIV.—Marc—ss T—NS—D.
XXV.—Mr. C—NN—G.
‘"Before the moulting time, he promised to be a prettie Birde, of hopeful Songe!—A blyster on the backe of the State Chyrurgeon, for clippinge my young Dawe under the tongue, to make him more eloquente! Indeed, Dame, the poore cut fowle hath ne'er prattled to any tune since!"’
XXVI.—Miss B—Y ST—T.
XXVII.—Ad. M'BRIDE.
‘"I had sacked their faire Citie, but that the renigadoes of Dunkirke, like so many sea-moles, raised shoales, and sande-bankes to pick up my deep-water barques!—The Cowardes knew me well, and so came not within the reache of my red-hot shotte!—The first convenient Moone at fulle, I'll trie the knaves on t'other tacke—till then, I must content me with the goode reportes the dailie Newesmen do so prettilie promulgate of my fame!"’
XXVIII.—Duke of D— [...].
SIXTH DAY's TRIAL.
XXIX.—Sir S—D—Y SM—TH.
XXX.—D—tc—ss of R—T—D.
XXXI.—CH—S WY—D—M.
‘—"I knewe him, t'other side the Appenines, on hi [...] youtheful travel, a fellowe of much honest worthe,—one wedded to his friende, and flaske!—No sooner did the Dog starre rage, than out he sallied forthe among the softer sexe, a gaie gallante!—and, by the masse, the rantipole dames of qualitie made the most of him!—Good nature was his foible; for he rode you his dailie roundes through Padua on horsebacke, to keepe honest men's wives quiet!—Even his hunter would stop, as 'twere by animal instincte, at the newest signe of the hornes!—The wagge has had his dave—and now calmlie sits [...]e downe, and talkes of [...]raile atchievements paste, like an invalided warriore, unfit for bodilie service!"’
XXXII.—C—ss of AL—M—LE.
SEVENTH DAY's TRIAL.
XXXIII.—Earl FITZ—M.
‘"They sent me over seas, to be tossed by one of my owne Irishe Bulls!—When I thoughte to plaie on them a Yorkshire bite, slylie came there forthe one further from the Northe, who cabbaged all my buckram, and left my state doublet without bodie lineing!—Oh, Sir, they have treated me most insultinglie!—I have been caught in their Courte-trappe, like a Dunstable Larke, and now they intend to roaste and baste me, without any of the crumbes of comforte! But, by the grace of G—d, and the Bishop of mine own anointing, I have preserved true my Catholicke saithe!"’
XXXIV.—C—ss D—LK—TH.
XXXV.—Comm [...]dore P—NE.
‘"To serve a Prince right courteouslie, you should be no maker of mince meat!—Amphibious must you be!—prompt to atchieve strange deedes by lande, or water! on shore, his Highness' wantes, and wishes execute, before the fancie royalle hath time to fashion them: and when your barke's afloate, give up your pliant sailes to amorous windes, and fetch him cargoes of untried love from ev'ry pointe o'th' compass!"’
XXXVI.—Mrs. S—WB—GE.
EIGHTH DAY's TRIAL.
XXXVII.—Earl of UX—GE.
‘—"I am myself descended from the antiente loines of Alexander the Copper Smithe! but it matters not how a greate man was either borne or begotten, if chance do but stande his God-father!—I knewe a fellowe, destined by fate to scratche like a mole under grounde, 'till delvinge there one luckie daie, he spied a veine of shinirge care, on which he sette men of more genius than himselfe to worke him out a Crownette—This, deckt with belles and feathers, on his owne temples of unblushinge metal formed, did he swaggeringlie place, for all men's eyes to marvelle at!"’
XXXVIII.—Sir CH. T—N—R.
‘—"Give me a SOLDIER of fortune, who can afforde to hunte his enemie abroad with bloode houndes! Re turninge home, he maie champion fate to th' uttermoste, and stand you undauntedlie a throwe o' the diceboxe, more deadlie than the rattle of Bellona's cannon"’
XXXIX.—C—ss of P—MF—T.
XL.—Mr. C—WTH—NE.
‘—"My wife's BANKE is as firme as the proude one which the Londonne Merchantes doe intende for their faire citie!—I puncte at it mine ownselfe i' th' familie way, so both are gainers; for though she may cocke me out of my coine, I have my night's amusement for my monie!"’
NINTH DAY's TRIAL.
XLI.—Mar—ss S—Y.
‘—"As I am not more coylie fashioned than the huntress Dian, I finde no sporte i' th' Chase, unless they mount me on a mettled steede—one retaining all the powers which bounteous Nature gave him! I rode a geldinge in my youtheful daies—but the dull Mule had not one pace to please me! It joies me most to be in at the extatic deathe!—but howe that can be, I marvel, unless a woman be gaillie mounted?"’
XLII.—Earl of CH—TF—D.
‘—"Between you and me, he's become no less a creature, than the ear-wig of the Caxon Royale!—To be a bearer of wonderous tidings, is his soule [...] delighte; and when he cannot picke up his budg [...] fulle of tales, how marvelouslie will he com 'em!—He's chuck full of antickes—and he'll fetch and carrie post, like an over-sea dog, so that you do but laughe, and spit on a crust for his foolerie!"’
XLIII.—Mrs ED. B—V—IE.
XLIV.—Earl of J—Y.
TENTH DAY's TRIAL.
XLV.—Duke of N—K.
XLVI.—C—ss M—X—H.
XLVII.—Mr. B—DH—D.
‘"Our House is sometimes haunted with evil sprites of fantasticke shapes, and colours! Once in twelve moones, they turn it out o' th' windowes, and I am placed belowe to catch it!—The neighbours saye, there's rare witte in all these doings—but in the quiet meekness of my harte, I ne'er could finde it out!"’
XLVIII.—Mrs. P—ZI.
‘"I knewe her the wife of honest Guzman, a good compounder of Malte, and Hoppes;—then had she the reasonable use of her mother-tongue.—No sooner was he defuncte, than she became enamoured of foreigne dignities,—wedded a Milanese piper, and travelled o'er the Appenines to the tune of his boxe of whistles!—On her returne, she set up a feminine manufactorie, for weavinge conversations superfine!—These tabbies pronounced the destinies of their owne sexe like Sybils, and became haters of mankind, because men liked them not! nay, the whimsical jades wore stockings of skie-blue, not having a leg among 'em to catch an eye, without the noveltie of colouringe!"’
ELEVENTH DAY's TRIAL.
XLIX.—Sir R—B—T M—CKR—H.
‘"I have ventured at last to be touched with colde iron, which argufies consequence, as well as valour!—To have a shininge blade whipped across my humble shoulder, by the dexter hande of Sovereigntie, gives me the polish of gentilitie, which rubs out everie spot of vulgar rust! At the first call to the presence royale, Caming up! [...] says I, as cheerfullie as ever! on which the Lordes and Ladies of the Courte, in admiration of my witte, were pleased to laugh most heartilie!—Should any meddlinge foole aske of me, howe I came thus [...]ignified?—marry the answer's plame; because I got my monies darklie, and as it were i' the nighte, so in the wisdome of greater men than myselfe, I was thought right worthie to be be-knighted!"’
L.—Lady C—NL—FE.
LI.—Lord C—TN—Y.
‘—"I sawe it flutteringe o'er a banke of violettes, gaier than a May-born butterflie!—If our Naturalists looke not to it, we shall loose, I feare, the stocke of this sweet non-descript in colde extinction; for, by the maste, it seemes too delicate, t'endure the vulgar tones of procreation!"’
LII.—Miss H—TH—M.
TWELETH DAY's TRIAL.
LIII.—D—ss of GL—R.
LIV.—Earl of L—S—R.
LV.—Lady EL—TH F—R.
LVI.—Earl of A—LE.
THIRTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LVII.—P—ss EL—TH.
‘—"Heaven bless her mertie harte! and keepe all sorrowe from it!—She is the sweet-tuned fiddle of her father's Courte, where no true pastime can be known without her!—Each bower, and hall, she decks with such true grace, that you might sweare where'er she moves, perpetual Spring attends her:—Oh! blithsome Princess! long may the mirthe of innocence be thine, and thou the faire dispenser of its power, to turn aside those barbed shaftes, which fate full oft doth forge. wherewith to wounde the bosome of a Kinge!"’
LVIII.—Earl GR—R.
‘—"I met a Yeeman-pricker of the Chace, who, piteous fellowe,—pointed me sadlie out, a noble antient Staz, the feates, and frolickes of whose youthe were gone!—At rutringe time, now dothe he seeke the rushie-bottomed glen, thence to behold his successors trip by in lustie rivalrie, leading the amorous herde at pleasure o'er the heathe, while he dothe deeplie sigh for sportes now paste, and shed in lonelie solitude his hornes!"’
LIX.—D—ss H—L—N.
LX.—Sir Jos. B—KS.
FOURTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXI.—M—q—ss of S—Y.
‘—"Yes, that is the great POLONIUS himself!—He doth expect the humble homage of our knee—and must have it! I prithee call him not a shallow-witted Lorde, when his wise head is crammed so full of braines, that he knowes not which way to turne them!—Some whimsical God, in heathenish daies! decreed, that he should be born a loftie man, and a mightie!—He is the Custos Morum of the Harmonique Spheres, under whose authoritie poor Bardes, and Minstrels, are whipped from tything to tything!—likewise a deep Astronomer, skilled in the signs from Taurus to Capricorn! and so great a Naturaliste, that he knowes the buddinge season by the note of the prophetick Cuckoe!"’
LXII.—Lady W—M R—L.
‘"Oh, dearest Nurse! and it be like its father, as you saie, and a lovelie boy, see quicklie if it's prettie mouthe be furnished with a tongue!—and it be tied, I praie you cut, with tender care, the ligature in twaine, that the maladie of silence be not entailed upon our line of Males! Were it a girl—such pains were useless, as its Grand Mama, who hathe not yet the fruitful arte forsworne, full oft declared, no female progenie of hers could be devoid of prattling powers!"’
LXIII.—Duke of R—M—D.
LXIV.—Lady W—L—CE.
‘"These are not the times to stand upon a punctilious observance of sexe, or to hide a masculine boi [...] under the flimsie veil of female delicacie!—Looke upon the Scottish bonn [...]e BEL [...]?—a [...] citizen of ever [...] lande! She wears you men's fi [...]ebegs looselie like a Turke!—can box with Datchet bargemen,—sw [...] [...]ke a mermaid with her fair face upwards!—and push low quarte with the nimblest masters of th' assault!—So amphibioussie created, as to be ready for any service, by sea, or lande! I've seen her tosse off a glass of flip, and dance a reele on deck, while the weather-beaten vessel was shaking under three reefed sails!—Put on shore, she would [...] to the beat of martial drum, hoiste up her under-petticoat to drie, and while it was shot at by Kentishe Volunteers, laugh at the b [...]ling marksmen, for not hitting the target in the bud's eye!"’
FIFTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXV.—Princess R—L.
LXVI.—Duke of M—GH.
LXVII.—Mr. T—R—V—S.
‘"I marvel whether it be profitable, or not, in Jewe, or Gentile, to chaunte ballades of bawdrie for loose Lordes, and crack luscious jokes to yielde them the kernels, [...] time hath lest him tootheless?"’
LXVIII.—Lady D—Y T—MP—N.
‘"In daies of yore, I drewe God's Creatures male about me by the light of a lovelie countenance! I had an eye then which made some of them smart for it: but that's gone bye. So now with lengthened veil, and demitie coats cut short, I sallie forthe in everie flauntinge breeze, and make them prance like madmen after me, to the elastic spring of my well-turned leg; while I, a flying Daphne, chide the rude windes which give it to their view!—As for the lost expression of an eye, it matters not, because a willing tongue abundantlie supplyes it!"’
SIXTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXIX.—Lord K—Y—N.
‘—"If he be not great grandson to the pepper-corn Llewellen, then knowe I noughte of the race of A [...] [...]te Britons!—but let that pass.—When a striplinge, he did serve by virtue of indenture tripartite, old Capia [...], a slie b [...]g foxe of the Lawe hard bye the W [...]ken! there picked he up the minor quirkes, and quidlibets; but to the darker mysteries of the blacke Arte, he entered a demurrer! From retailinge Lawe thus in small portions averdupoise, he became by degrees the greate dispenser of that wholesome drug to the King's wide commonweale! Still kepte he his ballance so nicelie poised, that yieldinge to no other weighte, a single scruple of his own conscience would turne the beame. Some liken him to a cholorique Chymiste, whose virtue is tried by his own fire;—but what heedes the outwarde wrathe of him, who hathe a minde within, pure as the mountaine aire which first he breathed!"’
LXX.—C—ss W—DG—VE.
LXXI.—Earl P—T.
‘"Yes, yes, I tell you! the same COUNT TIVOLIO who did pennance last Lent at the Roman Carnival! A man of taste so much refined, that he will dance along the flintie way to Mantua barefooted, to the tune of a good dinner, so that you call not on him to paie the piper! He hathe a nature created with exquisite sensibilitie for bodilie endurance! He saith in veritie, that man was fashioned for long sufferinges; that if they tosse him up a chimnie like a pancake, he ought not to murmur—nor complain of those who may kindlie beat him as they do a Turkie carpet, to get the dirt out of it by manual compunction!"’
LXXII.—D—ss of G—D—N.
SEVENTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXXIII.—D—ke of G—FT—N.
LXXIV.—C—ss of D—BY.
LXXV.—Lord B—G—VE.
‘"Why, even in the goe-carte of the schooles was he made to prattle like unto a linguiste of Athens, having his gums rubbed every morninge with a Greeke coral by his Alma Mater!—With his yeares grewe an itchinge ambition to become a maker of orations in the dead languages, which few men livinge might comprehende: for this, he attempted to speake with the pebble of Demosthenes in his mouthe before the astonished Senate, which becominge unmanageable, it did unfortunatelie begagg the aspireinge Declaimer!"’
LXXVI.—C—ss of B—K—M—RE.
‘—"Playing in all shapes, and kindes, doth marvellouslie delighte me!—I can play most adroitlie at a reunde game; and a busie knife and forke at a rounde table!—Although our Stage be on the decline, I marvel much if it can fall while I continue the maine prop of the Theatre!—Whene'er I do enacte, beare I not all before me?—Ev'n the last time I did perform a movinge parte in a piece militarie at the Duke's privie Drama, as I carried off the west-end of a fortified towne in my retreate through the side wings of his Grace's scenerie! The next parte I do aslume will be that of the Jewishe Shylocke, findinge my owne propertie of bearde—after wh [...]ch I will have my pound of fleshe for supper, or my cooke shall answer for the defaulte by losse of his vocation!"’
EIGHTEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXXVII.—Earl of H—TH.
‘"Though begotten in a cloudie nighte, he was most noblie brought forthe under lunar influence, and therefore soon became a dabbler in mysteries coelestial! He was so well with the plannettes, that he could put you off an Eclipse for three weeks upon a stretch, to the great confusion of all astronomers!—Descended from King Bladud in a converse line, he did decree himselfe hereditarie ruler of the tepid Baths, and there tumbled into hot water by virtue of his owne special prerogative!—As for Minstrels, and Shew-folkes, he banished them his dominion, because they played the foole more wiselie than their better!"’
LXXVIII.—P—ss M—RY.
LXXIX.—Arch—p of Y—.
LXXX.—Mrs. C—NC—N.
NINETEENTH DAY's TRIAL.
LXXXI.—Mrs. M—ST—RS
LXXXII.—Duke of C [...]— [...]
LXXXIII.—Miss P—LH—M.
LXXXIV.—Mr. M— [...]LET—N.
TWENTIETH DAY's TRIAL.
LXXXV.—Marquiss C—NW—S.
LXXXVI.—Miss VAN—CK.
‘—"They shall find me somebodie in the P [...] Chamber, since they have chosen me Bearer of her Highnesse' Privie Purse!—Though as yet but an [...] honour, I do accept it in the fullness of my grace right thankfullie.—Nowe that I grow in state, as well as stature, the PRINCE may comment at his pleasure on the comeliness of my person; and I will give the Wag a grilled Capon, with catches and glees, whenever it may suite his royale humour to sojourne with me soberlie at midnighte!"’
LXXXVII.—Earl of INC—Q—N.
LXXXVIII.—C—ss of B—SR—CH.
TWENTY-FIRST DAY's TRIAL.
LXXXIX.—Duke of R—TL—D.
XC.—March—ss of T—CHP— [...].
XCI.—Mr. Secretary W—ND—M.
XCII.—Mrs. GR—Y.
‘"This wedded sparke of mine would make a husbande far more conjugal, if he were a Statesman less consequential!—At times, when I do fondlie interpret the language of a looke, to the gaze of admiration on the person he did sweare to love, for better and for worse—he dothe my verie soule bechill with some exclamation of—‘the GENTLEMAN in his eye!"’—Now quicklie turning rounde, threatens to—‘"divide the House"’—with which in wedlocke he en [...]owed me!—Anon he whispers in mine ear somewhat of ‘"a motion he would make;"’—but soone, alack, cries out, ‘"I've lost it by the previous question!"’—Heaven defende his sweete wittes, and direct them to one faire point of love or politiques, for, in their divided state, I feare he'll marr them bothe!"’
TWENTY-SECOND DAY's TRIAL.
XCIII.—Sir JOSEPH M—WB—Y.
‘"I am neighbour, at nexte doore, to Sir HUGO BO [...] SKIM, the sturdie Knighte, who picked up his crumbes in the pig-market! The comelie sausage-women ha [...]d by the Poultrie do bend the knee of curtisie to his Worship, because he dealeth hugelie in swtne's fleshe!—Once on a time he was accounted a man of witte, and then fitlie chosen to represent his own hoggerie in sage convention. Moreover, he had an intrigue with an underlinge of the Muses, from whence sprung Ch [...] mas Ca [...]rols, and Bellmen's Verses, to the marvellous annoyance of sounde sleepers!"’
XCIV.—Countess of CH—TH—M.
XCV—Mr. STR—T, (late Member for MALDO [...]
‘—"No idle prater he, but a dealer in fewe wordes; and those he doth vouchsafe to utter, carrie with them a convincing charme! There is ev'n such magique in his monosyllables, that a single negation of his i' th' Senate hath strucke your Partie-mongers dumbe!"’
XCVI.—Lady MARY D—NC—N.
‘—"Because it did her Ladie-ship delighte, to mounte her on some barren staffe, like birchen broome, she was a WEIRD SISTER, wrongfullie y'clep'd!—In veritie she is the widowed remnant of the DUNCAN race, allied to rapes, and massacres of yore!—for this hathe she unsexed herself to mortal sighte, that men might marvel on her gender, and she avoide those perils known to bothe!—She hathe a meltinge soule for melodie, which in charitie she lendes to knaves despoiled, who chaunte their earlie losse in lamentable strames!"’
TWENTY-THIRD DAY's TRIAL.
XCVII.—Lord W—M G—RD—N.
XCVIII.—Mrs. M—YN—L.
‘—"My kennel-bred Sparke, dothe fume and frette, like one of his own mad packe, at the parchinge drought which thus his Chace delaies.—Indeed I think it longe myself ere he can hie his mettled houndes once more to cover—till then, the harvest is kept backe from which I yearlie reape my gaier prodigalities. For this, like DIAN, do I sit the jollie matron of an Hunter's boarde, while minor Dukes and whelp-linge Lordes with Bumpers charged, to me appeal, on flyinge Leapes which they so madlie take?—whose learthern gaskins are of trimmest shape? or who does talihoo the sighted Foxe in straines of loudest dissonance?"’
XCIX.—Admiral Lord BR—DP—T.
‘—"That sturdie son of Neptune doth mine [...] suite right well [...]—where'er his streamers flie, the [...] [...] be-lorde it o'er the element of waters, that not a [...] Gallique barque will he permit to ride in suretie on it—Roughe as the blowinge tempest of the Northe is h [...] afloate—but when on shore, the milder influences prevaile againe, and swaye his minde to calm urbanitie"’