ACT I.

THIS is truly a curious whim of the Duke's to make Sancho a governor.

I like the fancy of all things, and can antici­pate in idea laughter without end from it. Sudden ele­vation too often makes the wise man forget himself, and become ridiculous; now I shall be glad to see what effect it will have upon a fool.

The best of the joke is, old Rodriguez, her Grace's woman, takes every thing seriously; and is en­raged to see a fellow like Sancho Panca dignified with the title of governor, whilst nothing is done for her after so many years attendance on the Duchess.

Arn't you to be continually about his per­son?

Yes; but the Duke has not yet given me my instrustions in full. I wish you had over-heard Don Quixote this morning, admonishing Sancho for degrading his rank, by scuffling with one of the grooms over the grid-iron, about a brown crust and a rasher of bacon; He lookt as fierce as the knight of the burning sword, or the knight of the burning pestle, whilst the chop-fallen Governor hung his head, as if he expected every minute to be cut into mince-meat, or pounded to a jelly. In pity to poor Sancho at last I interposed, and rescued his Excellency from a rib-roasting.

As I am known to have pickt up a smattering of Latin, whilst attending the Duke at Salamanca, I have been appointed state physician to his Governor­ship.

The worst character you could have assumed to appear gracious in Sancho's eye; he has a mortal aversion to physicians and lawyers, since his beloved Dapple had like to have been killed by the quackery of a horse-doctor, and he himself ruined by the knavery of a petty-fogging attorney. I should not be surprized if he commence his government by issuing a proclamation for the extinction of both professions, sentencing the members of each to hang up, and poison one another.

History says, the cackling of a goose saved a whole nation in antient times, and may again in modern for ought we can tell to the contrary.

These trumpets announce our new Governor receiving his commission in form; for Heaven sake let us see the ceremony.

By all means; I would not miss it to be ap­pointed governor to an island in good earnest.

Illustrious and renowned La Mancha, we hold ourselves much honor'd by your visit. Your resolution still to follow fortune, and add new laurels to your well won fame, we must commend, however it afflicts us;—and be allured, the choice we have made of your faithful 'squire, to fill a post of honour, trust, and dignity, is chiefly owing to the high rank he has long held in your favour. Your patronage has rais'd him to our esteeim and friendship.

Your Grace is truly noble. My lense of all your many favors transcends the power of utterance. I quit your territories, fill'd with sentiments of your Grace, sublime and awful. My faithful Sancho, I am well as­sured, will never forfeit that confidence your Grace re­poses [Page 7]in him; shou'd he prove ingrate, no punishment wou'd be severe enough for his deserts—no power with­hold my means to inflict it.

My worthy friend (to Sancho) proceed we now to your nomination.

'Sdeath, is that a look fit for a Governor? Hold up thy head for shame—his joy, my Lord, has so prest upon his spirits, his tongue is not yet at liberty.

Know, all we here have made our choice.—Of Barataria be thou Governor, and thy commands be ab­solute.

Long live the noble Governor of Barataria.

Into your hands we put your new commission, with our broad seal, which raises you to supreme autho­rity over our islanders.

And good care your Grace shall find I'll take of it; nobody shall steal this muffin from me

I'll lay my seal up at night, and my robes also, where no thieves shall come at them.

Oh! fortunate Sancho! Oh! most hap­py 'Squire! I greet thee,

And I,

And all of us.

Ah marry, Sir, this sounds well indeed; there's no squeaking in this bagpipe; it's wonderful to think how merrily an ass will trip up hill that's laden wiih gold.

Art thou now satisfied, that through my means thou hast at last obtained thy long-lookt-for go­vernment?

I am, Sir; long-lookt-for come at last; bet­ter late than never; he who is obstinate soon wears his coat threadbare; folly may hinder a man of many a good turn. I beseech you, Sir, to pardon my proverbs, and thank the Duke there for his noble favour, which I do now resolve to deserve, by filling my place as well as I can.

Have the chief citizens, and leading men of the island, notice of their new Governor's approach?

They have, my Lord.

'Tis well. Is there ought else, our much-be­loved Sancho, in which myself, or the Duchess there, can honor thee?

Any thing in my power—the noble Gover­nor is sure he may command, unless it be to give him leave to salute my woman Rodriguez before he departs for his government.

Salute me!—I'd see his Governorship hanged first.

Come, good words Rodriguez; there is a vast distinction now between you and Sancho; but to pre­vent that envy, and that insult, his sudden elevation may excite, be it known that henceforward, the commands of the Noble Don Sancho, be absolute as my own through­out all my dominions.

Be it your care Rodriguez to see the squire is nobly treated.

Thank your noblenesses—then pray mistress, since I find you have nothing to do, will you be so kind just to step yonder into the court-yard, and you'll find a dapple grey ass—do so much as see they tend him as well as my master's horse, for 'tis a loving creature; I can't 'tend him myself by reason you see I have affairs here to mind.

Why, how now jackanapes, know you whom you talk to?—take that—

for your ill manners if you were fifty times a governor.

A guard! a guard! and bear her away to pri­son; I'll have the witch burnt alive for striking a go­vernor.

Hold great governor—We feel the indignity shewn to your person, in as lively a manner as if it had been offered to our own.

And be assured this disrespect to us shall not go unpunished.

Yet in consideration of the offending party's sex.—

Her sex! I wish your grace had felt her fist—body of me! you'd have had your doubts about her sex; do but look at it, its shaped like a shoulder of mutton, and comes down like a mallet.

I say in consideration of her sex, and that it is her first offence, we will not punish Rodriguez with that death, which she so justly merits; but it is our high degree, that you instantly make proper concession to wipe off the baseaffront with which you have marked his countenance.

No more wipes, or marks, I beseech your grace, from that lady in the countenance; however, lest your grace shou'd think me an ill-natured fellow, in consideration of Rodriguez's great age we forgive her.

I despise your forgiveness, Sirrah! upon any such terms, my great age! my great age truely.

What ever doubts the hardness of her fist made me entertain of her sex, are entirely removed—now I'm sure she's a woman, since, she had rather die, than acknowledge herself an old one.

But come, friend Sancho; its time you depart to take possession of your government, your subjects by this time expect you—

Then by all means Sancho begone; that governor who wou'd live happily himself—must first study the happiness of his people.

I tell you what master of mine; the best governor that ever wore hair upon his chin, wont some­times be able to please his people; but I'll do the best I can; every man was n't born with a silver spoon in his mouth; but if after all nothing will do, why I'll e'en, leave them to themselves, and wash my hands of the government.

There are few governors, friend Sancho, when they retire from power, whose hands do not require a little cleaning; so wishing thee all health, and tranqui­lity in thy island, most noble governor adieu.

I yet must be a minute with my friend, I'll follow your grace instantly, at lenght my faithful 'Squire, I behold fortune reward thy long services; yet 'ere I leave thee, attend to my admonitions, and I will be thy north star, to pilot thy bark, and steer it into the harbour safety, and honor; first my Sancho.

I beseech you, Sir, to speak slowly—that I may keep pace with you; you know my understanding was always more for the trot, than the gollop—and I am but a chicken of a governor yet you know.

If thou wouldst make thyself a proper governor, be careful of thy morals—to have, or to be thought to have morality, is extremely useful for a governor; if it were nothing but to be a skreen, that people might not pry too curiously into his conduct, and proceedings—not but that his actions ought to be such, as will bear the strictest scrutiny—yet if he be once reputed a moral man, let him be a Turk in opi­nion, or religion, tis not three-half-pence matter—secondly my Sancho.

That firstly, is a special good law.

Secondly I say a governor ought to have a nice, and tender conscience; so very susceptible, a fly cannot buz near it, without making him shrink.

It ought to sit tight, and close to him; like a thimble, upon, the Duchess's finger; not as I have heard it sits sometimes; like a jockey's boot, that he can stretch which way he pleases.

Next be su [...]e not to forget thy original; nor blush to own thou com'st of a mean extraction; for for when thou art not asham'd of it thyself, nobody will seek to make thee so.

But then, there will be no occasion to tell the people I was once a hog-driver.—Besides, when I have got the government, and am grown rich, nobody will trouble themselves about what I was; daub yourself over with honey, and you'll never want flies; ‘what a man has, so much he's sure of.’—

Sancho, you must be cautious not to overlaid thy discourse with those cursed proverbs; when [Page 11]properly, and judiciously used, they enrich, and em­bellish conversation; but thou bringst 'em in so by the head, and shoulders, that the purpose is defeated.

Ecod I believe, Sir, my mother longed for them; its a disease that heaven alone can cure me of; I have proverbs enough to fill a large sack; and when I talk, they crowd so thick to my mouth, that they quarrel which shall get out first.

The next thing, Sancho, is to be cautious in your choice of officers of trust; remember you are but guardian of the people's treasure, and must be careful to chuse honest men.

Yes, master; but how am I to know them? after the steed's stol'n 'tis too late to shut the stable door. I intend to act with certainty in this case— and as I am sure my people will not produce any man that's honester than their governor, I will instantly ap­point myself, first lord of the treasury of Barataria.

In that case, Sancho, I fear thy people will think thou hast not so much disinterestedness, as thou ought'st. Prudently examine what thy income may a­mount to in a year; then if thou can'st afford fourscore servants, keep but half, and what wou'd maintain the others, give to the poor, that their blessings may ac­company thee wherever thou appearst; in the execution of justice, act with strict impartiality; avoid, corrup­tion, or the taking of bribes; which is so tempting, and withal so crying a sin, there is not one governor in forty can forbear damning himself by it.

Why then, lord have mercy upon my soul too; for to deal plainly I am afraid my fingers (as well as the rest) will itch most cursedly to be handling the money. But, Sir, I hope, you'll allow there are per­quisites, which its fair a man should receive in all places; if it was not for the fees, some places wou'd not be worth the having; like the sauce, to certain meats, which sometimes exceeds the dish itself.

I wou'd not have thee, Sancho, when appointed a protector, turn out a scourge, and a tyrant; he flatters himself in vain with hopes of enjoying happi­ness, in the possession of immense wealth, when obtain­ed [Page 12]at the price of blood, and the tears and sufferings of impoverished provinces; it is true he may silence his accusers by rich presents, and thus escape the sword of earth-born justice; but guilt and remorse will poison all his pleasures, and tell him there is no blinding the eyes, or staying the sword of divine vengeance.

Don't you think, Sir, you have made this bribery business rather a little too long?—I'm afraid I shall forget the best part of it.

I could be somewhat satirical upon thy parts now, but that I love thee, Sancho, and therefore, will desist; besides, to do thee justice, thou art not the first, who has had a government he was not beholden to his deserts for.

No. nor shan't be last, Sir; for desert is go­verned by fortune you know, and in a double manner; for if some were to have their true deserts, they would be princes, and governors presently; and if others, again were to have theirs, o'ons what an army of them would be hang'd up in one summer?

Well, dear Sancho, for that saying, thou deservest not only to govern an island, but an em­pire; walk with gravity, and speak with deliberation?— drink moderately, for drunkeness neither observes a pro­mise, nor keeps a secret; eat little at dinner, and less at supper,

for the stomach is the storehouse whence health is to be imparted to the whole body; if thou observest these rules, thy days will be long, and prosperious; thou shalt live beloved by all;—thy go­vernment shall be peaceable; and when the time of thy departure from this world arrives—thy children, and grand children, shall with duteous steps la­menting, follow thee to the silent tomb.

I perceive, my Sancho, thou art weary of my good advice, and I shall lose, time in bestowing more rules for thy well doing; therefore, lastly—

Lastly! I am glad of that with all my heart; unless your lastly should be as long as Master Perez, our curate's, whose lastly is longer than all the rest of his discourse.

Lastly, I say, be vigilant; avoid that horrid drowsiness to which thou art accustom'd. You have been long addicted to much sleep; now you are a man who must be ever watchful for the good of your people.

I don't see any great occasion for that; your kings and princes must sleep as well as other men; —and then see master what a pleasure I shall lose; next to eating the greatest. The blessing of his heart light on him who first invented this same sleep; it covers a man over like a cloak. There is but one thing makes me dislike sleep; it resembles death too much; there's little difference be­tween a man in his first, and a man in his last sleep.

This is all the advice I shall deliver to you at present; if thou tak'st care to let me hear from thee hereafter, I shall give thee more.

I see very well that all you have told me is mighty good, and pat to the purpose; but what am I the better if I can't keep it in my head; —by tomorrow I shall no more remember all this than the shape of last week's clouds; therefore pray let me have it in black and white; for tho' I can't write, I'll get one of my people to hammer it into m [...] noddle; and as for the disgrace of not writing, I can pretend my hand is lame, and so get my secretary to sign for me; for there's a remedy for all things but death.

I now shall leave you, Sancho; I have done my duty in giving thee good and wholesome ad­vice; if thou dost not do the part of a good Governor, thine will be the fault, tho' the shame and discredit will be mine. His Highness has sent for your wise and daughter Mary; prepare yourself to meet them, and wait at the town's end the arrival of your people.—Adieu!

Good bye, Sir.—I can but thank ye.—You have given me a plaguy deal of good council, if I have but the grace to follow it;—but come, many ventures make a full freight;—the cudgel that bruises is the thing that contuzes; I'll be very complaisant in the begin­ning, but hold to the end say I. The cowl does not make the friar, nor the gown a governor. So, Sir, [Page 14]wishing you soon to be an emperor, we take our leave, to feast and give our islanders a play day, and meet our spouse, who now must be a lady.

Come along, Mary; chear thy good heart child; and since thy father is got to be governor at last, we must learn to be great folks. Remember we are to take the right hand of all the court ladies. Sancho has sent word that he has made you a Countess.

O gemini! a Countess! mother! I'm ready to jump out of my skin; —a Countess! Lord won't we ride in our coach?

Our coach and six child.

Then, by goles, I'll work our coachman; I'll have riding about enough!

Your father is made a governor, and we are made ladies of course.

And of course I suppose I'm to have a waiting maid.

Yes child, and a footman into the bargain.

A footman! Dear heart, that puts me in mind of my dream. I dreamt last night I was bedizen'd out at such a rate, and looking in a glass; which is al­ways a sign of change you know; then behind me stood a fine, tall, proper, handsome fellow of a footman; his head as white as snow, a huge lace frill to his shirt, and ruffles down to his knuckels; it wou'd have done your heart good to have seen them.—Who's this I wonder?

Proteus himself has not assumed a greater variety of shapes than Manuel to please the humour of the Duke. Here must I wait the arrival of Sancho's sweet spouse, Teresa, and buxom Mary his daughter, to usher them in state to Barataria. Eh! Why

If I am not mistaken, you are ladies—

No indeed, Sir, you are not mistaken; we are ladies; my father's a governor, and his wise a governor's lady, and his daughter—

Will the wench's tongue never stop? Sir, as you are a gentleman, who has all the appearance of a real gentleman, we wou'd be for ever obliged to you—no offence we hope, Sir, —if you'd tell us in what street the Governor's house is?

In what street! In what square, madam, you shou'd have demanded, does the Governor's palace stand? But if I am not deceived in your appearance, noble lady, I even now speak to great Don Sancho's consort.

His consort! Not you indeed—you speak to his lawful wise in wedlock. But come, as you are so good at guessing—guess again—who am I?

Oh! sweet young lady, how your vivacity charms me! There is something so peculiarly your own in every thing you say or do, it's impossible I can mistake you; you are the all-accomplished lady Mary, your fa­ther and your mother's daughter.

By gingo! he has hit it. Now who'd have thought this fellow wou'd have known I was my father and mother's daughter. But tell me, young man—

Young man! For shame, Mary, this by his appearance must certainly be the Duke.

The Duke!

You do me too much honour, great lady, in that supposition; I am only in the service of the Duke.

Well, now mother, what do you say to that? I knew he was a servant, by his keeping his hat in his hand all this while; what signifies his long sword, and his laced cloaths; why I am told the very turn-spits at court ride in their coaches.

I suppose, young man, as you are a servant, you can't be less than the Duke's butler.

No, madam, I'm master of Don Sancho's horse.

Master of Don Sancho's horse! This is the first time I knew every man wasn't master of his own horse.

I have all the Governor's houshold cavalry entrusted to my care.

I thought he was a butler.

By gole's! mother you are right. But, Mr. Butler, or Mr. Master of the Horse, he! he! he! put on your dancing pumps, and let us be jogging, for I long to see my father, and poor Dapple. Lord! Lord! how glad they'll both be to meet us.

Every thing is in readiness, madam, for your departure.

Down upon your knees, Mary, and ask your life, for this is his most noble royalty the Duke, and he's going to kill us for calling him a butler.

I beseech your Excellency to rise; be not alarmed, I only drew my sword as a signal for your guards to approach.

Our guards! worse and worse, mother; as sure as I stand here they have hanged up father, and they are going to hang us up after him.

Sweet Lady Mary, all your apprehernsions are groundless; take your seats in the chairs, and I'll soon conduct you into the presence of the noble Gover­nor. You are to consider that troop of horse yonder only as attendants.

Only so many footmen on horseback; well then, mother, do you get in firit, and I'll sit in your lap.

No, no: there's a chair apiece for you; this Is your's lady Mary.

By goles this is pure. O mother, is not this better than riding in a cart?

Yes child, or in a waggon.

Charming! Softly, young man, don't bump a body so much. Let mother go first; she's oldest.

Dear heart! how redious the time passes, when a man wants to get into power. I wish my people would come! I here is one thing my master gave me a great charge about I must be very careful not to forget [Page 17]and that is, instead of the words I, and me, I am in fu­ture to say we, and us. We will sup with you! and you shall sup with us! Ecod, it sounds very big.—But then, does not making so much of we look as if I was nobody? It is as much as to say, we great men are no longer ourselves. There's a devilish good saving clause tho' in we; in case I should do any thing amiss, we may make other people accountable. Well, but we think our corporation of Barataria are not very mannerly to keep us kicking our heels here so long—we have such a craving at our stomach, that we cou'd sit down to din­ner with Dapple, and seast upon thirties. Poor fellow!

he too looks as hungry as a judge's clerk at a long trial. We may be considered now as the best of all Governors, for we arc sarting sor our people. Well, if we fast for them now, I will cat most plentiful for myself; odd rat it! we shall never forget I when eating is the word. Oh! here come the welcome mes­sengers of luck.

Long live the noble Don Sancho, Governor and Protector of the city and island of Barataria.

Long life and short commons I think it is friend; but we'll all live as long as we can, and the longest liver take all. Now what's your business with Don Sancho, Governor, Protector, and all that?

The magistrates, and chief men of your city, approach to receive your Lordiship, and humbly intreat to know, if it be your Lordship's serene pleasure that they should have the honor of throwing themselves at your Lordship's feet.

Why then let them know that it is my serene pleasure they do so; and tell them also, that if they had opened their gates to me an hour ago, I should have had a serene appetite, as well as a serene pleasure at seeing them.

Your Lordship knows the orders issued by his Highness the Duke cou'd not be dispens'd with.

Well, plague of this talking—let'em come, and with as short a ceremony as possible.

I'd almost exchange my government for [Page 18]a good dinner. Oh! here they come at last.

Upon my word the corporation of Barataria has a most citizen-like appearance. What a fine fat figure of an Alderman that is yonder; he has turtle and venison, and calf's-head in his tountenance. Why what's all this! The corporation's as mute as a drove of oxen; I sup­pose they wait for me to break the ice; here goes then; neck or nothing; like a true courtier I'll tip them flum­mery, tho' I wish them up to their necks in a horse-pond. Well, my worthy, honest, good friends, how do you all do? have you any thing to say to me!

Most high and mighty Don Sancho, descended from that most ancient and re­ver'd stock, the Pancas of La Mancha, a family not more distinguished for the antiquity of its origin, than for the iliultrious characters with which it has adorn'd the world;—for more than three hundred years your an­cestors have been leaders of armies, and counsellors to princes.

Hold, hold, friend;—many words fill not a busnel;—tell truth and shame the devil;—a liar should have a good memory; and, to my certain knowledge, either you or I am confoundedly mistaken. What my family was three hundred years ago, is neither here nor there; but I can assure you, not one of them who came within my knowledge ever led any armies, except it was an army of turkies and geese, which I myself, indeed, have valliantly drove to market; then, as to counselling Princes, I never saw one in my life, except the Duke, your Lord and mine, who has made me a Governor; so now go on; but if you possibly can, avoid fibbing.

In you, my Lord, shine all the noble qua­lities of your illustrious name-sake and near relation, Don Sancho, of Arragon, who gallantly slew, with his own hand, seven and sorty Moors in one battle, and routed an army of half a million.

You have told me seven and sorty lies already; and if I was to suffer you to proceed, I foresee you'd tell me half a million. The noble qualities of my near rela­tion shine in me! Whatever shines in me, I know here [Page 19]is a great deal of something shines in you to tell me such stories.

You yourself are my Lord—

As hungry as a hunter;—therefore, Mr. Re­corder, put up your long speech;—and after dinner I'll put on my night-cap, and hear you go over the whole of it again with composure.

There are yet further ceremonies to be ob­served before you enter into office.

How many stumbling blocks are in the road to preferment; its besieging a town to get into place.

First we present you with the keys of the town.

Well, then I remember my master bid me re­turn them; so there they are again. Don't think you have got a Governor, who means to keep you under lock key, like so many pigs in a pound. Giving me the keys of your town, is as much as to say, you commit your rights and liberties to my charge, and I return them, to tell you that I do not mean to abuse the trust. And now, my honest friend, let us go to dinner

We first solicit your Excellency's gracious answer.

My answer! To what question?

We mean your Lordship's answer to our dutiful and loyal address.—It is usual for the Governor, on these occasions, to express his approbation of our at­tachment and loyalty to him in a speech, and promise at the same time, to take every step within the compass of his abilities conducive to our interest and welfare

I understand you; that is, you scratch my back, and I'll claw your elbow. What signifies making fine promises before hand; it's very easy to make them to get into place, and easier still to break them when se­cure in the saddle; no, no: on both sides the proof of the pudding shall be in the eating of it. I'll approve of your loyalty, if I like the entertainment you have provided for me. Good governors always like good eating, and good citizens always take care to provide such.

A sumptuous banquet is prepared for your Excellency's table, which will be ready after your public entry into town.

Come then, let's be gone.

But how wou'd your Excellency have us dis­pose of the ass?

Lord! Lord! how soon a great man begins to forget his friends.—What Dapple! the companion of all my fastings and drubbings; forget thee! no, ne­ver. I'll have a place laid for him every day at my own table, and cou'd he but read and write, I'd make him my secretary.

Such an instance of preferment is not un­precedented; a Roman Emperor made his horse fill one of the highest departments in the flate.

He did! Then I tell you what, Mr. Recor­der, Dapple shall have the place; and for the good wishes you seem to entertain for him, you shall do the business as his deputy.

ACT II.

OH! the fatigues of being a great man! though not two hours a governor I have my hands full of grievances already

but come, friend, read them over as fast as you can

As there are so many, if I acquaint your Lordship with the substance of the principal petitions, re­serving the rest for to morrow, I fancy it will be suffi­cient

You are right—so proceed.

This, my lord, is a petition from

the Cutler's company; praying you would revoke the edict issued by your predecessor against duelling, by which the wearing of swords is be­come so much out of fashion, that there are above ten thousand journeymen cutlers in your Island at this mo­ment starvin.

I'll not revoke the law against duelling; there cant be too many against the practice; I'm a mortal foe to cutting of throats; and a great ememy to starving also

The next is a petition from the boot-makers of Cordova, earnedstly foliciting your Lordship's patro­nage, and requesting you would wear nothing but boots.—And here is another from the cordwainers of Bara­taria, enforcing the superiority of shoes, hoping you will wear them only.

Why what's to be done in this business? I wou'd fain please all parties, but that's impossible, as the case stands before me.—Suppose I promise to wear boots all the winter, and shoes all the summer

But then there's the spring and autumn; what do you intend to wear during those seasons?

In the spring, and autumn, I'll have a will of my own; they shan't, all the year round, have the length of my foot.

This comes, my Lord, from the manufac­turers in wool, intreating your encouragement; and as they have brought that commodity in quality to the finest linen cloth, beg that in future you wou'd wear it in shirts, and thus render the consumption of that article univer­sal.

I must confess I have no great opinion of the invention, but as a good governor shou'd even make a shift, to do without a shirt, to please his people—say their petition is granted—well, what is next.

Here is a petition from the opticians, request­ing your Lordship would wear spectacles.

What, whether I want them or not?

If you want them there is no merit in the wearing of them—you cannot be too disinterested in your encouragement of trade—besides, there is nothing gives the face such an air of wisdom as spectacles; they look like magnifying skylights; or rather intellectual microscopes, thro' which sublimer understandings con­templace the little objects of this little world, to nearer advantage.

Well, as every governor must have his blind side, ours shall be to please our people—so that petition is granted—but zooks! I grow impatient; you'll famish me with too much business.

You'll hear the petition, my Lord, from the dealers in mum.

Well, let's hear—the dealers in mum can't have much to say.

They humbly request your Lordship wou'd substitute mum for wine at your table.

Then tell them I won't—whilst I have a tongue to wag, or palate to taste, no mum for Sancho—why, what the devil would they be at?

I'll read the next petition to your Lordship.

I'll hear no more petitions 'till I have grati­fied the cravings of a petition from my stomach—I have given up half my senses already; but I'm determined to retain some at my own disposal—so ho! is the eating put off till to-morrow?

Your Lordship's presence is required in the courts of justice, to try criminals, and determine civil causes.

What before dinner? impossible—impossible!

Remember that your Excellency is sworn faithfully to observe all the long established customs of the island; and those ordain an immediate, hearing to the complaints of the injured, and [...]hat criminals, on conviction, be punished with all possible speed—

Nay, if that be the case, I must submit; but all I hang friend, before dinner may lay their hal­ters at your door.

Room for the governor!

You must wait a little longer for dinner than you imagine, my Lord Governor; I shall have a rare detail of adventures to transmit his grace if we succeed in every particular as hitherto.—

How, Pe­dro, goes on your part of the plot?

To a miracle—

Have you seen the wife, and daughter?

Yes, and wou'd advise thee to take a peep at them, as two of the greatest natural curiosities, ever yet exhibited in Spain—

Bless your soul! I have made a conquest of Mary.

And I can assure you her excellency Lady Teresa has no small penchant for your friend Pedro; so that between us Sancho and his family will be well taken care of—

But come, let us go hear him as a judge; in the present state of his appetite, he'll shew no more mercy to a criminal, than he wou'd to a mess of Olla Podrida.

O yes! O yes! let all manner of person, or persons who come not hither for justice, keep silence; and let all those who have any complaints to make speak them boldly; the governor is prepared to hear and redress them.

He is prepared, as far as hunger will let him; and though I know my judgement wou'd be clearer up­on a full stomach, I'll try for once how wife fasting will make me; what's the first cause?

Well woman, what have you to say?

Oh! my Lord, I am an undone woman! this villain here—

What, that shrimp?

That russian; that Goliah in miniature; with violence, on my way to town, assaulted me, and ruined my character for ever.

One story is good, till another is told; now let us hear what our little Gog, and Magog has to say for himself.

My Lord Governor, I am the son of my fa­ther.—

Indeed!

Who is called Diego—I was sent with fifty pieces in a purse to Terevaria, to pay a debt:—This woman met me, and thinking me not able to defend my property—she attempted to rob me of it—and when I refus'd to part with it; she wickedly laid this charge against me, and had me brought before your worship.

Oh! most atrocious villian! where is your purse?

Here, your honor.

Then to let you see how much I value honest women, there take his purse as some consolation for the injury he has done thee, and thy character.

O, good your honor! if you take that I am an undone man.

Blessing on your honor's sweet face!—Oh you are an upright magistrate!

Oh! I am ruined; I'm lost! Oh that ever I was born!—

Well, poor fellow! upon second thoughts, all the money is too much to give her—so gather up your little legs as hard as you can, and force the purse from her—make haste.

I'll do-what I can, but I fear 'twill be a hard matter.

I begin to perceive that this island is very full of enormities.

How now, what's the matter?

O, your Honor! this impudent fellow, con­trary to your honor's judgement, has follow'd me, and wou'd have taken the purse away from me by force, and sent the constable to bring me again before your worship.

And has he got the purse?—

No, I warrant your worship; you ordered me to keep it, and I wou'd have pulled his eyes out 'ere I'd part with it.

Give it me; let me see if there's none missing—there, fellow, take your purse again; and bid the beadle give Mrs. Honesty here a hundred stripes.

Oh mercy! your worship, what mean you?

If you had defended your honesty, as well as you did the purse—you need not have made this com­plaint here—away, I'll have no reply.

Well, friend, what have you to complain of?

Why, my Lord, you must know, I am an Officer of the Customs; and I am come to complain against this fellow, my Lord, for defrauding Govern­ment.

Defrauding Government, as how?

By the smuggling of Chocolate, and bad spirits, please your Lordship.

Sblood! what's this I hear! a smuggler! I'll shew him no mercy; this fellow is a kind of a state pickpocket, and shou'd be hung upon a gibbet fifty­feet high; Sirrah! Sirrah! what have you to say for yourself before I pronounce sentence?

Will your Lordship hear me?

I dont know whether I will or not; but come what have you say?

Why, my Lord, you must know that I am owner of a small coasting vessel, in which I carry goods to different parts of your lordship's island for sale; now as it happens, that I am sometimes obliged to put to sea in very dark nights, for fear of losing the wind, I have more than once neglected paying the duty for the commodities I have shipped.

And what do you call this but smuggling you dog—Eh! what have you to say for yourself now?

Truly very little, my Lord; but there are a few friends in this canvass bag, that will convince your Lordship I had no dishonest intentions.

Eh! Why upon my word there is some weight in this last argument.

I have kept a regular account of every shilling I was indebted to the revenue, for these three years back, which, finding it amount to five hundred crowns, I put it in that bag, and I have now honestly paid your Lordship—and discharged my conscience—

Dont believe a syllable he utters, my Lord; for to my knowledge he has been a smuggler these twenty years—

Then what's the reason you never informed against him before?

Bccause, my Lord, I used to pay him all my arrears; and he informs against me now, only be­cause I did not think the contents of that bag so safe in his hands as in your Lordship's—

I believe it—every word you speak carries conviction with it; I never met a man who used stron­ger arguments

why shou'd not a smuggler have credit as well as other tradesmen; and you, Mr. Custom-house Officer, take notice we dismiss you from our employ; and, Mr. Smuggler, you shall have his place; there's nothing like the old proverb, Set a thief to catcb a thief.

What's your complaint now? Short—Short—

Why, and please your Honor, my name is Snip, I am by trade a woman's taylor, and a man that the parish know's to be a man—that is not a man—who as a man may say, will willingly let any man, tho' it may chance with fair looks a man may be deceived, yet your honor knows who are a man—

Who am a man, not like to get to the end of your story all day at this rate—brief!—short! quick!

Why, your honor, in few words, must know my complaint is against this Radish, the gardener here, who has most wickedly, and unneighbourly defrauded me of a tame cock pheasant, which I, and my wife tenderly brought up; yet this ravenous canibal laid vilolent hands on the poor bird—slaid it, took it home to his wife, roasted it, and had I not come just in the nick, and hindered them, they wou'd have eaten it this day for dinner.

Umph! what say you to this, Radish?

He can say nothing—for to prove it—I have brought the pheasant here, poor fool, just as I snatch'd it out of the dish from them

so now your worship has proof before you.

By my faith the case is plain—what can you say to this, Radish? is this your conscience to come into a neighbour's house, and steal away his goods and chattles? for his pheasant in this case is a chattle—and a delicate one it is

o'ons, with a little good sause to it—this were a dish fit for a go­vernor.

But hear me, my Lord; this is the trick on't; I and Snip us'd often at each others houses, jestingly, to take thing; and t'other day having a choice flask of Florence sent a present to my wife from her rich god­mother, I gave this Snip and his wife a taste.

Friendly! go on

But not contented with that, he took the opportunity of my absence to make free with the rest—so I thought I had no better way of being even with him than by stealing his wife's pheasant.

Why, how now, you old rusty pruning knife! you maggot in a peascod! you caterpillar! will you swear your thin-gut wine was Florence?

That I will; and have here another flask just sent me by the same person.

Nay, look you Snip, take heed of lying—I don't sit here to see justice abus'd—if it be really Flo­rence, look to it—

it is,

sure I can't be mistaken

Believe me, Sir, it is real Florence.

It is indeed—and are these things fitting for taylors and gardeners?—fat pheasants and rich wines—and you knaves both, since you have made a practice, by your own confessions of stealing from one another—'tis plain each of you keeps a house to encourage thiev­ery; and by and by will steal from others; I therefore condemn them both to pay ten cuckets a piece to the poor, and give security for their good behaviour—not a word, take 'em hence.

Oh! disgrace to authority! My Lord Gover­nor feasting in a court of justice!

Justice! Odds so! Why not?—I must do myself justice if you won't.

Instantly remove the remains of that pheasant.

For your lives don't touch it.

A most sumptuous banquet, my Lord, at this moment awaits you.

Is it ready?

It only—waits your coming.

Then take away the pheasant, and break up the Court. This little whet before dinner has only given a keener edge to my appetite.

Here's a sheep-stealer and a coiner yet, whose trials stand over for to day.

They must wait till another time.

That's against all rule of Court. Something must be done with them.

Then pillor the coiner, and transport the sheep-stealer, for I havn't time to hang any body till to­morrow.

Dear heart! I am so fine, I hardly know my­self.

Do, mother, put your hand upon my heart, it springs like a bird in my breast with joy. Lud! lud! what a power of handsome men are here at court;—then they, are all so well dressed, and grin so pretty to shew their white teeth, and smell so sweet!

You must now, Mary, leave off all your rompish tricks that you used to have in the country; you must not, if you see a mule tied to a hedge, bounce upon his back, and ride about the country like a mad thing.

Let me alone, mother, I have had my lesson; I know what's what I warrant you.—A fine gentleman, they call the master of the ceremonies, was with me above an hour, teaching the manners of the high ton; he told me I did not know what to do with one feature in my face; but he has taught me to glance, and to ogle, and to simper, for I must never laugh as long as I live, for fear of soiling the shape of my mouth.

The same gentleman has been with me, Mary, and has been reaching me all the fashionable games; I now understand quarille, and homer, and criket.

I see plain enough, mother, that dress is every thing; fine feathers make fine birds.—Ecod! I should like to meet Dick the miller now, that used to touzle me so coming from mass of a Sunday; I'd soon let him know that I was become a lady, and above such trumpery fel­lows.

Yes, Mary, and if he attempted to kiss your lips, turn up your nose politely, and cry, paws off Caesar.

Yes, and I'd tell him if be did not know good manners I did; then give him a wherrit in the Chops wou'd make his grinders ake.

I am come ladies to have the honour of con­ducting you to dinner.

Dinner! Why Lord, mother, and I have done nothing but eat all the morning—but Mr. Master of the Horse, do Governors wives and daughters make every day holyday like this?

This day, my Lady, will every year be marked with great and particular rejoicings, in com­memoration of your noble father being invested with authority.

Oh! it will, in commisseration of my noble father being investigated with authority!—dear heart! what fine hard words he uses.

Now, Lady Mary, consider where you are going—don't listen to every gay spark, who'll tell you a fine story, if you shou'd commit a fox's paw, we slall be all ruin'd in the full senate of our glory.

It is the custom, my Lord, in this island, that the Viceroy's Lady dine first, at least of one course: then the Governor's table is served.

Here then I find the grey mare is the better horse.

Come, come Lady, Wife, pr'ythee make, haste; they tell me it is the custom that I should wait till you have done.—

And an excellent custom it is.

Excellent as it is my teeth water most cursedly to break it.

But, hey day! Where is the Lady wench? I hope she is not at romps with the Master of Horse? Some of the Court go seek her.

She is here, my Lady.

By goles they are at it.—

Prithee keep your hands to yourself; do you think I don't know the way to my mouth? by your leave, good people.

Shall I help you Miss, to a wing of this cram'd chick.

Yes, and the breast with it, if you please.—I'm like all fools.—I like what's good.

Pr'ythee, Lady daughter, hold thy tongue, and make haste with thy dinner.

Hay! what father!—Lord love him, how fine he is; he looks like one of the fat men, they call judges, that used to ride thro' our town.

A cup of wine.

The Lady Governess is going to drink.

Ah! bless thee, dear Governor!

Thank ye, thank ye, —crooked rib of mine—O dear! O dear!—

Lady Mary, you pick like a sparrow.

Lady Mary, perhaps, lives upon love.

Always on love and lumps of the cupboard.

I believe we have had enough of these things.

Turn about is fair play—So I suppose now I may begin.

As soon as your physician comes.

My physician, what the devil business has he herre? I don't want physic—I want food.

But, my Lord, so many of your predecessors having been poison'd by the cooks, the Duke has ap­pointed a physician in ordinary to inspect and determine what is proper or noxious to the consitution.

Your servant, Doctor: I believe I am the first man that ever was glad to see a physician come into the house: now to work; dear heart! how nice it all looks! come, two hands in a dish, and one in a purse—

Gad that's a rare Turkey—put him up this way.

What are you at?

By no means, 'tis hot.

Hot: to be sure it is; wou'd you have me wait till it's cold?

I say 'tis hot, inflammatory, and corroding; the flesh pernicious to your constitution; my Lord, I am stipended in this island, to take care of its Governors, and to prescribe a diet proper for'em.

Why then, hand up that roasted pig—I'm, sure that is as innocent as any thing can be.

Horrible! the cook has sent it up quite raw: You shou'dn't touch it for the world.—'Sdeath, the rogue ought to be hang'd.—He'le poison the Governor in two days.

Poison him! I think he's more in danger of starving—dut Doctor to end the dispute, take a survey of the whole table, and which ever dish you think will agree with me, let me have my belly full of that, be­fore its whisked away by that magical wand of yours.

Omnis Saturatio, Mala, Perdicis autem pessima—

therefore you must not touch these partrid­ges—Rabbits are a hairy, furry kind of food fit only for the frozen stomach of a Laplander, then the onions in whith, they are smother'd are pernicous to the eyes; this [Page 33] veal must not stay a moment longer on the table—Indeed had it been neither stew'd, roasted, boil'd, minc'd, fricaseed or marinaded something perhaps might be said for it.

Odso! I have hit the nail upon the head at last—yonder I spy a smoaking hot dish of Olla podrida—a hodge podge, a mixture of all sort of food; so the devil's in't if there I shant light of somethino both wholesome and toothsome, hand it over, hand it over.

Absit—absit—

Sit still—Sit still I say with it.

Do you consider my Lord Governor, that I shall have your life to account for?

Villain! you'll have my death to answer for; dear heart I'm quite worn out with fatigue and sasting—my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth; a cup of wine there.

'Tis death till I have first examined and cor­rected it, let me see the glass.

Why what the devil—an't I to drink neither.

Not till I have allay'd the acid quality of the wine my Lord, and made it fit for your stomach; you are inclining to a hectic and choler—strong liquors de­stroy the humidum radicale.

Why you damn'd confounded paracelsian—what sort of a Governor do you think me, not to eat nor drink? but one word. Pray what is your name friend?

Sir, I am stil'd Doctor Rezio de Aguero. I am a native of Tirte Assura and took my degree in the University of Osuna.

Why then Doctor Pedro Rezio de Aguero, native of Dirty Furio, and who took your degree in the University of Osuna, take these plates and dishes at your head—I seize on this fowl, and this bread and bottle

which I will defend to the hour of my death—and you my good lady and daughter, with the rest that cou'd eat your own dinner, and see the Governor starv'd, begone, all, you ungrateful wretches.

Arm, arm, my Lord, you are nor safe a minute; heres news now come that several thousand Buccaneers, pirates and banditti have enter'd your island; here's a letter too sent from the Duke to give you notice of the danger, you must prepare for your defence immediately.

You know I can't read it.

Signior Sancho—I have just learned that certain enemies of mine, and of the island meditate a desperate and furious assault immediately; several spies are about your person, with intent to assassinate you; take care of yourself, and the charge committed to you; transmit me word what succours you may want; your danger is great. Your friend the Duke

Oh! Unfortunate estate of this unhappy island; that because of its wealth, and fertility, is perpetually plagued with enemies, who bear a mortal spite to all those that rule; those damn'd banditti, and buccaneers, have taken and slea'd three or four of our governors already.

The devil they have!

Noble Don Sancho. The enemy gains ground every moment, therefore come away instantly to the citidal, that we may arm you, and put you at the head of your brave troops, who impatiently expect you.

But why all this hurry? 'odslife! I know no more what belongs to fighting, than a General does of cow keeping.

They'll come upon us before we have taken up our arms; but it never shall be said, that I stood tamely and saw so famous an island lost; I'll go and de­fend the gates as long as I can against them.

Where the devil are you going?

Going! where the Governor ought to be in person; into the heat of battle, amidst fire and smoke; to have a clear view of all our danger.

This is the first time I ever knew a man went into smoke to have a clear view of any thing; but Dr. Dirty Furio, sure you won't leave me to be slead alive by these damned Buccaneers?

My Lord, my character's at stake.

Then go like an intrepid physican, and estab­lish it by the death of thousands.

'Tis true I differ from the soldier in profession.

But you agree exactly with him in practice; so away with you, doctor.

This comes of nibbling at governments

where shall I fly! this way, I know, leads to the garden, and I'll steal off there and hide myself, if its only be­hind a gooseberry bush

odso! I was rushing into the lion's mouth,

'tis out of the frying pan into the fire; I'll jump out of this window

Make this breach good; raise those ladders; fire the pitch and rosin, and get some kettles of scalding oil ready.

Scalding oil! no doubt to pour down the poor Governor's throat.

Deliver up the Governor, and we'll make a truce; bring him out; we know by his robe; here are an hun­dred of us have sworn to spit him, and roast him alive for an example to all such future governors.

Nay, if like an ermine I'm known by my skin, even take that amongst you

what shall I do, where shall I hide? I'll get under the table; a dogs place, and a whole skin is better than laced robes and danger

Thanks fellow Soldiers, for your noble defence of this valuable Island—But all our joys are incompleat, till we receive tidings of the Governor.

Here is his robe, my Lord.

Well, what will you have from the Cat but the skin; but what do I see, it is the Duke himself.

Go, some of you, and seek him amongst his slain; and if only his head can be found, he who shows me that first, shall be rewarded with a thousand crowns.

Then my Lord I claim the reward myself.

What Don Sancho, our much beloved Governor.

No, my Lord plain Sancho, —and no Governor.—

What, do you resign your high office?

I do, indeed, my Lord—St. Peter is very well at Rome; Cobler stick to your last; there's no making a velvet purse of a Pig's ear—my Lord Duke I thank you for your kindness, but return you your Government back again; nature never intended me for fighting.—No nor fasting—Doctor; all I now ask is, give me my wife, my daughter and dapple.—Take notice, I have not displac'd a tile nor a brick in the Island.—A poor man I came in and a poor man I go out of place, and if every Governor cou'd say the same, he'd be sure of what I now most wish for PUBLIC APPROBATION.—