Ay, 'tis a Crust, a lasting Crust for the rogues, I would be glad to see the proudest of them all but dare to nibble at this,—if they do, it will rub their Gums for them I promise you. BAYES.

LONDON: Printed and Sold by C. MOUNTFORT, near the Royal Exchange. M,DCC,LIII. [Price One Shilling.]


1O Chief in verse! O ev'ry Muses' care!2
Pride of each mortal and immortal Fair!
[Page 4]Whether enraptur'd with Urania's charms,3
Or sunk in Chloe, or Amanda's arms;
Whether eternal Bays thy temples grace,5
Or thy lac'd night-cap well supplies their place;4
Whether with Goddess, or with earthly Qual,
You saunter down Parnassus, or the Mal;5
Or, in Philosophy profoundly wise,
You pore intent with microscopic eyes,10 6
[Page 5]New worlds discover in a Catharine pear, 7
Or monsters animate in sour small beer,
Serenely trace their fundamental breath, 8
Whilst thy grim Lion grinds thy foes to death:9
O let my humble verse attention claim; 15
Nor deem the friend beneath the Poet's name.
Blest in thy own inspectatorial stile,10
You nobly scorn to hear the numbers toil,
To see them fetter'd down to mood and tense,
And groan beneath the infirmity of Sense,20
Void of Politeness, Elegance and Ease.
Ah! what is Meaning when compar'd with these!
How then shall I for thee presume to sing,
For thee, borne high on Fame's tenacious wing, 11
Lost to thy soft, harmonious, flowing lay,25
And curs'd to mean whene'er I sing or say. 12
Hear then, ye daughters of immortal Jove!
By the soft vows of your Inspector's love,
If not, too jealous of each other's flame,
You slight the lover for a rival's claim; 30
Or, if his gallantry superior charms,
And all the nine, in concert, fill his arms,
Like his familiar Daphnes here below,
Blessing at once the Poet and the Beau;
Hear and support me in your fav'rite's cause,35
Inspire my song, and crown me with applause.
I sing dire faction and the cruel strife
Of Bards that live, and Bards that write for life;13
Of Fidlers, Coxcombs, Harlequins and Play'rs,
Physicians, Parsons, Fools, and dancing Bears.40 14
Immortal Dulness, honour'd on her throne,
Beheld her Empire spreading o'er the town;
Despis'd the Vacuum of her antient home,
Where whistling winds pierc'd thro' the hollow dome;
Forsook the tatter'd Ensigns of Rag-fair, 45 15
And seiz'd th' unfinish'd Mansion of the Mayor. 16
Here flock'd her sons, the sleepy, blind, and dull,
Each vacant brain and ev'ry solid skull:
Repeated Io's their full joy express'd,
And on the tables smoak'd a city-feast.50
Shrieves, Wardens, Aldermen, their Brothers greet,
And each broad-bottom shook its trembling seat:
Ev'n thicker Custards did the Cooks afford:
More solid Puddings reek'd upon the board.
The loving mother then address'd her sons; 55
O children! dear as birth-day Odes or Puns!
[Page 10]Happy! thrice happy! am I thus to see
Your fond attachment to yourselves and me:
Nor shall I e'er ungratefully forget,
You scorn'd to make your Chamberlaine a Wit. 60 17
No Genius here degrades your solemn meeting.
Right! what has Wit or Sense to do with eating!
O! still be zealous to support my laws,
And share my blessings in the good old cause.18
The Goddess spoke, and strait her opiate shed,65
And eke her potent Quintessence of lead:
All felt its pow'r, from Marshal to the Mayor:19
A double portion fell to As—l's share.20
[Page 11]Then, in the chair of state, she took her throne,
And all unanimous the Goddess crown.70
Long live Queen Dulness, hoot her darling Owls,
Long live Queen Dulness, shout her fav'rite Fools.
When now behold, in glitt'ring pomp, ascend
A sister Queen, a Goddess, and a Friend.
Immortal Pertness, sprung from Chaos old,75 21
Inconstant, active, giddy, light, and bold,
Restless and fickle as her rumbling Sire,
Blind as her Mother, Night, could well desire.
Wrought by some pow'r divine, in equal pride,
Her throne ascended by her sister's side.80
Where hunted Ducks traverse the muddy stream,
And dogs initiate their whelps to swim,
Monsters and Fools assemble once a year,
And juggling Hymen celebrates May-fair,
[Page 12]This Goddess dwelt. Just rais'd above the ground,85
Her Palace varnish'd silver deck'd around.22
Here stood her Merc'ry, here she nurs'd her Apes;23
Here Magpies chatter'd in a hundred shapes;
Jackdaws and Parrots join'd th' unmeaning noise
Of Templars, Coxcombs, Prigs, and 'Prentice boys.90
Far, hence, the Goddess spread her kingdom wide,
To Dulness, as in birth, in pow'r ally'd,
She, from her native Grub-street to Rag-fair,
South to the Mint and west to Temple-bar,
Included ev'ry garrison'd retreat; 95
Bedlam, Crane-court, the Counters and the Fleet.
[Page 13] Her Sister boasted as extensive sway,
Fierce Broughton's bruising sons her pow'r obey,
St. Giles's, George's, and the famous train24
Of Bedford, Bow-street, and of Drury-lane; 100
Ev'n to the licens'd park her chiefs resort,
And seize the priv'ledge of great George's Court.
Lo, Dulness now, half-rising from her throne,
Behold, my sons, the partner of my crown;
Let my lov'd sister equal honours share,105
Pertness, immortal Regent of May-fair!
She said. The kindred Goddess all confess'd,
And equal honours crown'd each royal guest.
Their guardian Virtues in due order stood,25
Calm Prudence, Temp'rance, and stern Fortitude; 110
Poetic Justice held her scale between,
And lean'd, by turns, the beam to either Queen.
[Page 14]Now living Merc'ry Opium out-weighs;
Now solid Pudding kicks up empty praise.
The crowd, below, each varied impulse felt.115
Part roar and sing, and part in slumbers melt;
Grave Dons and skipping Coxcombs till the Hall,
These snore aloud, and those strike up the Ball.
At length the Tumult of the night is o'er.
The Dozers sleep, the fiddles squeak no more!120
The morning-dawn o'ertakes the quick and dead;
And home the mighty Drunk are borne or led;
To business these, to pleasure those betake.
These born to hoard a Plumb, and those to rake.26
Thus bear the sister Queens united sway; 125
And pert, and dull, their sev'ral pow'rs obey;
Alternate Honours nod on either Plume.
And both by turns pre eminence assume.
Hence as one Blockhead sunk at Gresham College,
Another rose, of diff'rent taste and knowledge.130
[Page 15]As lov'd of Pertness was her dear Rom—ne, 27
As lov'd of Dulness is her own Cock—ne. 28
So when one Tutor Caesar's Heir forsook,
Another tutor read another Book.
Now from their throne they view'd their empire round,135
Where skim the shallow, plunge the vast profound,
In dancing Lyrics skip the scribbling train,
Or plod in the lame, blank, laborious, heavy strain:
Saw journalists leave journals in the lurch;
Others revive the science of the Birch, 140
True scribbling Pedagogues usurp the lash,
And give, like Bayes's thunder, dash for dash;
They saw Guildhall and Westminster agree;
At both brow-beating C—l earn his Fee;29
[Page 16]Smooth-spoken L—d with ev'ry witness trudge,145 30
And the sleek Council spoilt into a Judge:31
Saw the slow Bishop, with expounding drawl,32
Leave poor St. James to grasp a richer Paul,
Right Orthodox, maintains those equal sinners,
Who slight his sermons, or refuse him dinners:150
Saw Newgate's Ordinary chatter on as fast,33
As if each sermon was to be his last;
Degreeless Doctors, regular-bred Quacks,
In Merc'ry and in Opium all go snacks:
Saw the choice Spirits noisy Vigils keep,155 34
And sing their drunken Brethren fast asleep:
[Page 17]Blockheads and Bloods in Pit and Boxes roar,
Support a Pantomime and damn a Moore;35
Arraign the traitor Garrick's insolence,
Who dar'd to satirize the want of Sense,160
To join with Popery and France, at once,
In Powder-plot, to blow up ev'ry Dunce:
And leagu'd, to rob each free-born English skull,
Of right and priviledge of being dull.
Saw Students, Play'rs and Taylors, Casuists nice,165
Discuss vague Metaphysics in a trice;
[Page 18]Part Woolfton, Bolingbroke and Annet foil,36
And hold, unread, Le Clerc, Van Dale and Moyle,
In lukewarm Middleton find out a flaw,
Staunch to the Text and Kennedy and Law, 170 37
Plain as a pike-staff make the diff'rence clear,
Between a Knight o'th' Post and Knight o'th' Shire:
Others with Locke and Newton truths dispute,
Still blunder on, and still themselves confute,38
Estrang'd as much from Reason as from God,
Mistake Ontologos, and kiss the rod;
[Page 19]Aim at the mark of science, blindly wise,
So fire plump▪ buff-coats when they shut their eyes,
Root up Religion, cancel Good and Evil,
At Butcher-row, the Queen's-Arms, or the Devil. 180 39
They saw their Bards and Critics all appear:
Dull Rolt, long-steep'd in Sedgeley's nut-brown beer:40
[Page 20] Kenrick, whose sing-song verse the Ladies chuse,41
More honour'd by his wenches than his muse:
Derrick made fine with Gentleman's lac'd coat,185 42
Ah! wherefore soil'd by Murphy's cruel foot!43
J [...]nes who intends to live at Colley's death,44
So waits the good old Laureat's parting breath;
[Page 21]Has made his Threnody, 'gainst Fate shall end him;
'Cause Cibber to the Bayes did recommend him:190 45
Tho' here the Laureat's policy is known;
Worse odes the better will set off his own:
Macklin religious, Henderson polite,46 47
Woodward, The. Cibber, and the Mimes that write:
With these, droll Howard, and laborious Shiells 195 48 49
With Mobs of Boys and Parsons at their Heels:
Saw O—y, without excuse for Bread,50
Rake up the sacred ashes of the dead,
Traduce the mem'ry of his once-lov'd friend,
And brand the honour'd name he should defend:200
Saw scribbling Stationers, and link'd with those,
The Sons of Novel and poetic prose;
[Page 22]Long-winded Richardson, with Sm-llet join'd,51
D—y and Crockat, puffing in the Wind;52
With slattern females traipsing up and down,205
Searching adventures, to amuse the Town:
Saw puerile Harvey on a Cock-horse ride;53
With Gibbons, Boyce, and fifty more beside54
The bawdy-scribbling Knight, the preaching Lord,
And what the stews, the shops, and stalls afford.210
All these the Sister Queens, with joy confess'd,
For lo! their essence glow'd in ev'ry breast!
But Pertness saw her form distinctly shine
In none, Immortal Hill, so full as thine.
Drinking thy Morning Chocolate in Bed,215
She saw thy Daphne's neck support thy head,
Saw thee slip on thy night-gown and retire
To muse profoundly by thy parlour fire:
[Page 23]By turns thy slippers dangling on thy toes;
Slippers that never were disgrac'd from Shoes!220
Saw where thy learning, in huge volumes stood,
Part letter'd sheep, part gilt and painted wood;
Where thy lov'd Antients in disorder lay,
Daily perus'd, for Mottos for the Day;
Thy Ovid, Horace,, and thy fav'rite Tully, 225 55
Thy Ainsworth, Bailey, and thy well-thumb'd Lilly.
Saw where thy Maggots, in whole myriads, rise,56
Or in thy brain, or in thy dear dirt-pies.
When thus the Goddess of May-fair bespoke
Her royal sister. Gentle sister, look.230
See where my son, who gratefully repays
Whate'er I lavish'd on his younger days.
[Page 24]Whom still my arm protects to brave the Town,
Secure from Fielding, Machiavel, or Brown;57
Whom Rage nor Sword e'er mortally shall hurt.235
Chief of an hundred Chiefs o'er all the Pert!
Rescu'd an Orphan Babe from Common-Sense,
I gave his mother's milk to Confidence;
[Page 25] She, with her own Ambrosia, bronz'd his face,
And chang'd his skin to monumental Brass:240
This shame or wit [...] successless, shall oppose,
Unless, so will the fates, they seize his nose.
This luckless part the young Achilles lick'd,
And tho' he cannot blush, he may be kick'd:
Yet still his pen provokes the fates' decree,245
In scandal dipt, and elemental Tea;
Still he rails on, and, when attack'd, replies,
Recants his own, and blabs his neighbour's lies;58
Or, guiltless of design, as Madmen fight,
Falls foul on friends or foes, or wrong or right; 250
[Page 26]Humane to spare when forc'd himself to run,59
As C-pe once sav'd the grateful mother's son.60
Such is his pen, and such this son of mine,
Then shed thy Opium, and adopt him thine;
Let him exalted o'er our Empire reign,255
From Shepherd's-market e'en to Rosemary-lane:
Tibbald dethron'd, thy Dunciad reign is o'er,
Thy Gildon, and thy Toland, are no more.
Thus spoke the Queen, and pausing for reply,
Her sister roll'd her broad, lack-lustre eye,260
And thus return'd▪ O Pertness! Goddess! Queen!
With whose my reign has e'er consistent been,
O had thy thought anticipated mine!
So witness Jove I honour thy design!
My Opium then had fill'd his shallow skull,265
And all the pert had bow'd with all the dull.
[Page 27]But see my darling son, whom I have chosen,
Chief of my Chiefs among an hundred dozen,
With Cyder muddled, or inspir'd with Bub,
In Newb'ry's Garret, or in Henly's Tub,270
With Coachmen, Coblers, and such dainty folks,
For Mugs of Porter, pun and crack his jokes;
In sacred verse, at my own Cambridge rise,
Write by himself and bear from all the prize;
As oft poor Jack his brother wit hath done,275
Ran for a wager with himself, and won:
For him the regal Sceptre I design,
As worthy thy distinguish'd love as mine.
Me, he confess'd, tho' nurs'd by Common Sense,
Tho' Wit and Genius held him in suspense.280
Thy Hill, from Gratitude, obeys thy laws,
My Smart, from love and rev'renee to our cause:61
Yet, that due merit meet its due renown,
That he who best deserves may wear the crown,
[Page 28]Nor these our darling Chiefs, from partial care,285
The highest honours of our Empire share,
Let all our Sons, in Emulation, rise;
And he who most atchieves shall claim the victor's prize.
The End of the First BOOK.

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