BY this light but it is—What! Bill Breeze!

Ah! my gentle Zephyr!

Why, where have you hid yourself?—But I beg par­don—

Oh, I make no secret of my situations; I've been obliged to lodge for a few weeks on the other side of the water; it was forcibly recom­mended to me by a doctor well skilled in con­sumptive cases.

And you find yourself the better for it?

Amazingly; for I've now got rid of all those lurking symptoms which are the too frequent at­tendants on genius, and letters.—So, I find they have had some flogging work over both courses in my absence: the different studs have been run hard, eh!

Hard?—puff'd all round;—scarce a leg to stand on!

As the knowing ones have been taken in, you touch'd a little, Breeze, I hope!

Not a ducat!—No, Zephyr, all my prospects fell with the coalition;—at the beginning of the season, indeed, I offered my services here;—but I was delicately told—that authors now-a-days took upon themselves the disagreeable task of criticizing their own pieces; and at as to the ordinary business of the theatre, a gentleman of established reputa­tion had undertaken to do the whole upon a standing contract!

Ay; I suppose I should have met with similar neglect on the other side of the way, if it had not been for my new invented play-house machine.

Play-house machine! a kind of theatrical Buza­glo, I suppose, occasionally to keep the house warm?

Oh, no! you'll never guess it;—will you promise me the most profound secrecy?

'Pon my honour—

Why, then, you must know I call it (and I think rather aptly)—I call it—an Applauder!

An Applauder?

Yes, an Applauder; a mechanical improvement on the vulgar art of manucussion; by which one man, with the simple winch of a barrel-organ, shall give a more mark'd and judicious applause, than can possibly be derived from any stationary band of hireling clappers!

Egad that is a happy invention!—but pray, Zephyr, wont it tend in some measure to counteract the real plaudits of an impartial audience?

Oh, quite the contrary; for as clapping, like gaping, is nothing more than an involuntary accordance of mus­cular motion, I will engage, my dear Breeze,—barring rheumatic and gouty cases,—to carry every hand on any particular occasion, in unison with my Applauder.

A very capital idea upon my soul!

Besides, I don't see why the benefit of it may not be extended to the performers; then you know the actors and actresses of a certain natural diffidence, need not so often be laid up, by the chilling damps of silent admiration!

Certainly my dear friend.—But when will it come out Zephyr?

Almost immediately; the first essay was to have been made on a late musical occasion; but the author and composer, not being able to settle which of the parts deserved the "most decisive bursts of universal applause," the machine was laid by, and the matter left as usual to the decision of hands.

And so you are come here, I suppose to offer it also to this House?

Oh, no, I have convey'd away the copy-right; and the managers of both Theatres are now contending for an exclusive patent.

Ha! ha! ha! Do you do any thing in the parlia­tary way now, Zephyr?

Not a metaphor! that branch fell to nothing when gentlemen first submitted to the fatigue of carrying their own FLOWERS to market!—No, having a little [Page 12] leisure upon my hands, the prompter said he would recommend me as diurnal colourist to the young author of this night's piece.

That's droll enough! why, I am waiting here myself in hopes of procuring a similar employ.

Indeed! why, then, if that's the case, suppose we conduct the matter jointly, and share the profits?

With all my heart:—so, if you'll undertake to waft him through the pacific ocean of the mi­ninisterial prints, I'll engage—but soft; here, I fancy, comes the young author;—and a martial one I see by his appearance.

It's strange I should never be able to catch those scene-painting gentry!—Wild said they would meet me here at half past five;

[Page 13] I fear we shall not arrange the scene for the last act before the piece begins—

Oh, gentlemen, I'm glad we've met at last.

Mr. Wild, Sir, I take it for granted—

Yes; but he says we've not a moment to lose!

True, Sir, I thought you'd be in a hurry, so we took care to be prepared.

I'm glad of it; and how do you intend—

Why, Sir, as it's a first attempt, and times are ticklish, I don't think it adviseable to give any thing too highly colour'd at present, and therefore I have sketch'd something in the oblique way, which I con­ceive however will have a fine effect.

I understand you; in the side wing way; but in that case how shall we display the performers to ad­vantage?

Oh, dear Sir, never fear them; they are able, and willing enough to take care of themselves!

Well, for my part, I think there is nothing like a good bold outline at once, to take in the flats.

Well gentlemen, I'm indifferent whether the scene be a flat, or an oblique one, provided its effect be strik­ingly convey'd to the galleries.

Oh, lud Sir, make yourself perfectly easy on that score;—my designs

are cal­culated for all classes;

there Sir, just run your eye over that; I think that will reach the Gods, or the Devil's in it!

"A new constellation of resplendent brilliancy, illumin'd the theatrical hemisphere last night; the dramatic magi"—

What am I to understand by this?

Probably, Sir, you'll like that better, from the delicacy of the keeping.

"The genius of comedy perhaps never was so illustriously display'd"—Why, what the devil is all this, gentlemen?

Lud, Sir, don't you know? why, puffs to be sure;—puffs, and as good as any home made ones—that you'll find in the circle of your dramatic friends, depend on't.

Puffs?—

Yes, puffs, Sir: an airy insinuating kind of sys­tem, which, though generally despis'd, is more ge­nerally practis'd; that has the address to baffle the whole five senses, and carry all its points in spite of conviction!

Indeed! is that the case?

To be sure, Sir!

No doubt, Sir:—it's what may be emphatically termed the foil-stone of fame; which, like the mock jewel of the stage, never fails to out-glare the mo­dest sparkling diamond!—

And pray, gentlemen, to whom am I indebted for these singular obligations?—Your name, if you please?

My name! Breeze, Sir; I'm not asham'd of my name.

—Billy Breeze, No. 300, at the brass knocker, Air-street, Piccadilly.

And your's, worthy Sir?

Zephyr, Sir, at your service.

And are not you, Messrs. Zephyr and Breeze, a co­genial couple of pitiful parasites?

Lud, Sir!

Fly hence, ye rascally retailers of ill founded repu­tation! and by that means save your bones:—how­however humble my genius may prove, know, that it scorns to soar upon the wretched pinion of Grub­street Prostitution!

Sir, This is no place, Sir—no place—but we'll find one, depend on't—

Yes, Sir,—we'll tickle—

The scene for the last act is settled; so, if you please, Sir, we'll ring in.

By all means.