The QUACK by Thomas Rands.

MY Name is Don Paraselsus de Curiandi; I live at the Sign of the Pestle and Mor­ter in Glister-Pipe-Lane, near Bolus-Alley; my Business, in this famous Nation, is to let my Fellow Christians know the ex­cellent Qualifications of my Medicines, [Page 2]which I sell to the Rich, but give away gratis to the Poor.

Imprimis, Is there any old Women a­mongst you, who are troubled with the Pimple-Pamplins, whose Skin is too short for their Bodies, that they cannot Sleep for Farting: See, here is my Antipampha­stick Powder, or my Sovereign Carminick, which discharges Ventiserous Humours, of what kind soever, and will reduce you to Soundness of Body in the Twinkling of a Hobby-Horse.

Then see, here is my Balsamum Stobule Swordum, or an Ointment that's good a­gainst all Cuts, green or canker'd Wounds. Now, suppose any honest Man amongst you has Hurt or Cut himself with either Sword, Gun, or Musket, Spit, Jack, or Grid-Iron, Glass-Bottle, or Pint-Pot, by the Help and Application of this my Cele­brated Balsam, they are immediately cur'd, without giving themselves the Trouble of sending for an illiterate Surgeon, who will sooner cleanse their Pockets of its Money, than the Wounds of its Infection,

Then, here is my Unguentum Cataphon, or, an Ointment that's good against all Strains, Sprains, or Bruises. Now, suppose any honest Farmer amongst you has strain'd or sprain'd his Legs, Arms, or [Page 3] Ancles, by over lifting himself at a Gate-Post, or Barn-Door, Dung-Pot, or Chart Wheel, or has got a Fall from a Hay-Rick, or a Barley-Mow; by the Application of this my Medicating Unguent, being proper­ly us'd by Friction, and by the Hand of a Maid of Fifteen, you need not doubt a Cure, my Life to an Apple-Pye.

Then, Gentlemen, see here is my Pu­rando's Tankapon Tolos, that is to say, in the Arabian Language, The Wonder-working Pills: The excellent Quality of which, is hardly known, even to my self: But I can assure you, they are good against all Sanguine, Melancholly, Phlegmatick, or Cho­lerick Humours: They are Sudorifick, Cathar­tick, Specifick, Amaradulsick, Abstergick, Mun­difick, and Apperiatick.

They purge the Brain from all Crassick Cloudifying Humours which obstruct the Sen­ses of all Superanuated Maids. They im­mediately perform an Articulation of Dis­located Junctions. They make the Curratick, directick, and the Directick indirectick, in their Lives and Conversations. They cause the Old to appear young, the Young handsome, and the Handsome witty.

Take Three of these Pills in a Morning, Jejuno Stomacho, with Two Quarts of Aqua [Page 4]Gruellis, to force an Operation, by an im­mediate Evacuation, and you'll possess a perfect Deliveration for all inordinate Mo­tions of the Mind, as Trapidity, Anger, Melancholly, Mistrust, or the like.

They immediately dissipate the Spirit of Jealousy in the Young or Old. Now, sup­pose any Person, here present, is troubled with this grievous and tormenting Distem­per, and fancies his Wife to be what she is, or what she really may not be, let him take five of these Pills, as my printed Pa­per shall give Directions, and attend the Operation; and if he has a just Occasion, it will give him just five Stools; if on the contrary, it will have no more Operation upon him than the like Quantity of Sugar-Candy.

These wonderful Pills strengthen the Nerves, cleanse the Urinal Passages, and purge the Stomach from all Distempers got by crude, raw, and undigested Meats. In fine, there is no Distemper of the Body whatsoever, but what these Pills will entire­ly eradicate, tho' it lies lurking in the Mass of Blood.

I shall say no more at present, only let you know that now is your Time to fur­nish yourselves with my Medicines. The Price of them is small, tho' the Opera­tion wonderful.

I am none of those Fellows that set an extravagant Value upon themselves, meer­ly because they ride upon Spotted Horses, and express themselves in ridiculous and unintelligible Terms, to amuse the Vul­gar; but I am the Famous Don Paracelsus, who, for several Years, have been known in this famous City; and because I will encourage you to Buy, here is my Anti­pamphastick Powder, my Balsamum Stobule Swordum, my Unguentum Cataphen, together with my Purandos Tankapon Tolos, and all for the Price of Six Pence. My Medicines have made themselves and me Famous throughout Asia, Africa, Europe, and America.

It was I that cur'd Prestor John's Jug­gler's Wife's Waiting-Gentlewoman of a Fistula in her Elbow, of which she dy'd.

It was I that prevented the Old Woman at Exeter, from running Head-long into a Wine-Cellar.

It was I that cur'd the Morocco Embassa­of a Lapsa Lingua.

It was me, and only me, that cured the French Dancing-Man, at Amsterdam, of the Consumption in his Pockets.

I am as well known in the Terra Incog­nita, as in any Part of Europe, where I perform'd an excellent Cure upon Captain Nonsuch, Commander of the Nonnomen Gal­ley, [Page 6]who had a Cannon-Ball lodg'd in his Little-Finger; likewise the Carpenter of the same Ship, who had swollow'd a Hand­spike.

I resided for several Years in the great City of Moscow; where, by my internal Medicines, and by my external and ma­nual Operations, I became more Famous among them, than ever the Learned Talico­tius was among the Inhabitants of the De­serts of Arabia; for which Reasons the Learned University of that City was pleas'd to bestow this Distich in Favour of me.

Before I conclude my Discourse, I must let you know, that I understand, and can read the Language of the Stars, and that I resolve all Manner of Lawful Questions, and am profound in Physiognomy and Pal­mistry, and that I am commenc'd Master of the Mathematicks, Geometry, Trigonometry, Algebra, Rhetorick, Logick, and Plain-Sail­ing.

Gentlemen, and Fellow Christians, my Hours are from Six 'till Seven, from Seven 'till Eleven, and from Eleven all Day.

The High German DOCTOR and the English FOOL.

THO' I am an English Fool, yet, my Master has the Honour to be a High German Physician; who, in his Travels round the Uni­verse, has cur'd twelve Foreign Ministers of State of those Twin Plagues, Bribery and Infidelity; Six Kings of a Tyranical Fevers; the whole Conclave of Cardi­nals of Pride, Laziness, and Hypocrisy; and the present Pope of the Antichristian Evil.

He was also three Years Oculist to the German Spread Eagle, and seven Years Operator for the Teeth to the King of Spain's white Elephants: He is not only Learned by his long Studies, but Reve­rend, as you may see by his Beard; and Wife, as you may judge by his Silence: He has made himself, by his long Travels, an absolute Master of all the Tongues in [Page 9]the whole World, (except the Language of this Kingdom,) and at these Years has put himself into his English A, b, c, in order to make himself an universal Scho­lar.

Amongst the many excellent Medica­ments contain'd in his little Health-preser­ving Packet, the first Thing that he presents you with, is this minute Panpharmacon, which he calls, his Pillula infalibilis, or his infallible Pill; tho' 'tis so small in Bulk, that it is scarce discernable without a Mi­croscope, yet, it is so mighty in its Ope­ration, that it will raise the weakest Pati­ent out of his sick Bed, and make him strong enough, in two Minutes, to encoun­ter Conscience, Death, and the Devil.

In the next Place, he communicates to your View his most excellent umbellical Sticking Plaister; which, if apply'd by the Wife, to the Pit of her Husband's Stomach, disperses all manner of jealous Heart­burnings, prevents the many violent Evils that daily arise, from that predominant Monarchical Distemper, such as, Grumb­ling in the Gizard, Murder, Imprison­ment, and the like; these, with all its evil Concomitants, it disperses in a Mo­ment, and so strengthens his Appetite towards Family Duty, that he will be [Page 10]able to Love wonderfully, and beget a miraculous Progeny.

Here is, likewise, a Pot of Mollifying Ointment, for the suppling and stretching of narrow and hide-bound Consciences, extraordinary useful for all fashionable Zealots, who are desirous of making their Religion subservant to their Interest; let them but outwardly apply this Balsam every Saturday Night, and by Sunday Morn­ing, they will find themselves such pre­varicating Christians, that they may go to Church in the Morning, and to Meeting in in the Afternoon, and return Home as de­vout Hypocrites as if they had gone to neither.

Lastly, To Crown the whole Number of his admirable Secrets, here is that rich and excellent Preservative, as well, as Antidote, his Orvietano: Take a small Dose of this next your Heart in a Morning, and you may venture any Time of the Day after into the most disaffected Coffee-House in London, without the Danger of being poison'd with Rebellious Principles: It expels all Low Country Schism by a Belch; carries off all Disloyalty in a Fart; and is the best Restorative to strengthen weak Faith, and decay'd Allegiance, that ever was yet discover'd since the Fall of Adam.

And all these Medicines, contain'd in this little Packet, the Doctor, through his Bounty to the Publick, is willing to let you have for the small Value of Six-Pence.

The Infallible MOUNTABANK, or, QUACK DOCTOR.

Pharmacopola Circumforaneus; or, The HORSE DOCTOR's Har­angue to the Credulous Mob.

I Waltho Van Claturbank, High Ger­man Doctor, Chymist, and Den­tifricator, Native of Arabia, De­serta, Citizen and Burgomaster of the City of Brandipolis, Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, Unborn Doctor, of above 60 Years Experience, having studied over Galen, Hypocrates, Albumazar, and Para­celsus, am now become the Aesculapius of this Age. Having been educated at Twelve Universities, and travelled through Fifty two Kingdoms, and been Counsellor to the Counsellors of several Monarchs, Natural Son of the Wonder-working Chymical Doctor, Signior Hanesio, lately arrived from the farthest Parts of Utopia, famous throughout Asia, Africa, Europe, and Ame­rica, from the Sun's Oriental Exaltation to [Page 14]his Occidental Declination: Out of meer Pitty to my own dear Self, and languishing Mortals, have by the earnest Prayers and and Intreaties of several Lords, Earls, Dukes, and Honourable Personages, been at last prevail'd upon to oblige the World with this Notice;

That all Persons, Young and Old, Blind or Lame, Deaf or Dumb, Curable or In­curable, may know where to repair for Cure, in all Cephalalgia's, Paralitick, Paraxysms, Palpitations of the Pericar­dium, Empyemas, Syncopes, and Nasi­eties, arising either from a Plethory, or a Cacochymy, Vertiginous Vapours, Hydiocephalus Dissenteries, Odontalgick or Podagrical Inflammations, Iliack Pas­sions, Icterical Effusions, Exanthemata, the Hen-Pox, the Hog-Pox, the Whores Pox, and the Small Pox; the Ascites, Tympanites, Anasarca, and the entire Le­gion of Lethiferous Distempers.

Imprimis, Gentlemen, I have a never-failing Stiptick, coroborating, odoriferous, anodinous, balsamick Balsam of Balsams, made of dead Men's Fat, Rosin, and Goose-Grease, which infallibly restores lost Maidenheads, raises demoish'd Noses, and by its abstersive cosmetick Quality, pre­serves superannuated Bawds from Wrin­kles.

Item, I have the true Carthramophra of the Triple Kingdom, my never-failing Heliogenes, being the Tincture of the Sun, deriving Vigour, Influence, and Dominion from the same Light; it causes all Com­plexions to Laugh or Smile, at the very Time of taking it; is seven Years in pre­paring, and being compleated, secundum Artem, by Fermentation, Cohobation, Cal­cination, Sublimation, Fixation, Philtra­tion, Circulation, and Quidlibitification, in Balneo Mariae, Crucible and Fixatory, the Athanor, Cucurbita, and Reverberatory, is the only Sovereign Medicine in the World.

This is Natures Palladium, Health's Ma­gazine; it works seven manner of Ways, in order as Nature herself requires, for it scorns to be confin'd to any particular way of Operation; so that it effecteth the Cure, either Hypnotically, Hydrotically, Cathar­tically, Poppismatically, Hydrogogically, Pneumatically, or Synechdochically; it mundifies the Hypogastrium, wipes off ab­stersively those tenacious conglomerated sedimental Sordes that adhere to the Oeso­phagus and Viscera; extinguishes all su­pernatural Fermentations and Ebulitions; and, in fine, annihilates all Nosotrophical Morbifick Ideas of the whole Corporeal Compages.

A Drachm of it is worth a Bushel of March Dust: For if a Man chance to have his Brains beat out, or his Head chop'd off, two Drops, I say, two Drops, Gentlemen, seasonably apply'd, will recal the fleeting Spirits, re-inthrone the deposed Archeus, cement the Discontinuity of the Parts, and in six Minutes restore the lifeless Trunk to all its prestine Functions, Vital, Natural, and Animal; so that this, believe me, Gentlemen, is the only Sovereign Reme­dy in the World.

I have the chiefest Antepudenda Gragran Specifick in Venus Regalia, which infalli­bly cures the French Pox, with all its Train of Gonorrheas, Bubo's and Shankers, Car­nosities, Phymosis, Paraphymosis, Christal­line Priapismus, Caudalomata, and Raga­des, without Baths and Stoves, and that with as much Pleasure as the same was con­tracted; so that 'tis worth any Person's while to get the Distemper once a Fort­night, if it be to be had for Love or Mo­ney, to enjoy the Benefit of so diverting a Remedy.

I have the Panchymagogon of Hermes-Trismegistus, an incomparable Spagyrick Tincture of the Moon's Horns, which is the only infallible Antidote against the Contagion of Cuckoldom.

Besides, my Vermifugus Pulvis, or Anti­vermatical Worm-conquering Powder, so famous for destroying all Sorts of 'em, incident to human Bodies, breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum, and dissolving the Phlegmatick Crudities that produce these Anthropohagous Ver­mine: It hath brought away Worms by Urine, as long as the May-Pole in the Strand, when it flourish'd in its primative Prolixity, tho' I confess not altogether so thick.

Look ye, Gentlemen, I have it under the Hands and Seals of all the greatest Sul­tans, Sophys, Bashas, Viziers, Chams, Se­rasquiers, and Mufties, &c. in Christen­dom, to Verificate the Truth of my Ope­rations, that I have actually performed such Cures, as are really beyond human Abilities.

I cur'd Prestor John's Godmother, to the great Admiration of all the Court, of a stupendious Dolour about the Os Sacrum, so that the good old Lady really fear'd the Perdition of her Huckle-Bone; I did it by fomenting her Posteriors, with a Mummy of Nature, alias, called Pilgrim's Salve, mix'd up with the Spirit of Mugwort, tartara­graphated thorough an Alembick of Chri­stalline Transfluency.

Thence was I sent for to Sultan Gilgon Despote of Bosnia, who was violently af­flicted with the Spasmus: He came to meet me 300 Leagues in a Go-Cart: But I gave him so speedy on Acquittance of his Dolour, that the next Night I caused him to Dance a Saraband with Flipflaps and Somersets.

I restor'd Virility, and the Comforts of Generation, to above 150 Eunuchs in the Grand Senior's Seraglio; and by a Pair of Prolifick Pills, lately caused a Vintner's Widow, who had been Barren all her Days, to conceive of a Man Child, in the twelfth Luster of her Age, without the Help of her Husband.

I cured likewise the Dutchess of Boro­molpho of a Cramp in her Tongue; and the Count de Redomontado Corrept, with an Illiack Passion, contracted by eating but­ter'd Parships.

I also cured an Alderman of Grand Cai­ro, who had been sick seven Years of the Plague in 46 Minutes: And by the like Empyrical Remedies I lately cured Duke Philorix of a Dropsy, of which he died.

Venienti occurrite Morbo, Down with your Dust; Principiis obsta, No Cure, no Money; Quar [...]nda Pecunia primum, Be not sick too late.

You that are willing to render yourselves Im­mortal, buy this Packet; or else repair to the Sign of the Prancers, in Vico vulgo dicto, Rattlecliffero, something South-East of the Teplum Danicum, in the Square of Profound-Close, not far from Titter-Tatter Fair, and you may see, hear, and return Reinfecta.

The Harangue, or Quack Speech of T. JONES at York.

YOU that have a mind to preserve your own and your Families Health, may here, at the Ex­pence of a Two-Penny Piece, fur­nish yourselves with a Packet, which con­tains several Things of great Use, and wonderful Operation in human Bodies, against all Distempers whatsoever,

Gentlemen, Because I present my self among you, I would not have you to think▪ I am any Upstart Glister-Pipe, Bum-Peeping Apothecary: No, Gentlemen, I [Page 20]am no such Person, I am a regular Physi­cian; and have travell'd most Kingdoms in the World, purely to do my Country good. I am not a Person that takes delight, as a great many do, to fill your Ears with hard Words, in telling you the Nature of Turpet Mineral, Mercuri Dulcis, Balsamum Ca­piviet, Astringents, Laxations, Hardboundations, Circulations. Vibrations, Salivations, Excoria­tions, Scaldations, Urinations. These Quacks, may fi ly be called, Solimites, because they prescribe only one sort of Physick for all Distempers, that is, a Vomit.

If a Man has bruis'd his Elbow; Take a Vomit, says the Doctor. If you have any Corns; Take a Vomit. If he has torn his Coat; Take a Vomit. For the Jaundice, Fe­vers, Flux, Gripes, Gout, Stone, Pox nay, even the Distempers that only my Friend, the famous Doctor Tuff, whom you all know, as the Hocognicles, Marthambles, the Mo [...]n-Paul, and the Strong-Fives; A Vomit; Tantum. Gentlemen, These Impostors value Killing of a Man, no more, than I value drawing an old Stump of a Tooth, which has long troubled any of you; so that, I say, They are a pack of Tag-Rag, Assi­fatida, Glister-Pipe Doctors.

Now, Gentlemen, having given you a short Account of this spurious Race; I shall present you with my Cordial Pills, being the Tincture of the Sun, having Domini­on from the same Light, giving Relief and Comfort to all Mankind: They cause all Complexions to Laugh or Smile, in the the very taking them, they presently cure all Dizziness, Swimmings, Dulness in the Head, and Scurvy.

In the next Place, I recommend to you my incomparable Balsam, which heals all Sores, Cuts, Ulcers, new and old.

'Tis good for Burns, Scalds, Swellings, Bruises, Strains, Aches, Weakness in the Joints and Limbs, &c. it cures the King's Evil, sore Breasts, and scald Heads; and it is taken inwardly for a Cough, Con­sumption, short Breath, Weakness of the Back, or any inward Hurt.

The next unparallel'd Medicine, con­tain'd in this my Packet, is an admirable Electuary, celebrated throughout all Eng­land, Scotland, France, and Ireland, Domi­nion of Wales, and Town of Berwick upon Tweed. It cures all curable Diseases, by very easy and gentle purging; it causes an Appetite, helps all Distempers in the Eyes, Face, swelled Lips; and opens the Stoppage of the Liver and Spleen, &c.

The next I present you with, is my Specifick, which certainly cures all Agues in a Minuet.

The next is my Red Plaister, which ra­dically cures the most inveterate Rheuma­tism and Gout in a few Day's Time.

The last, and most useful Medicine pre­pared throughout the whole World, is this, my Pulvis Catharticus: Its Virtues are such, it will, equally with the Unicorn's Horn, expel the rankest Poison; 'tis a perfect, safe, and speedy Cure, for all ve­nerial Maladies, of what Degree soever, and fortifies the Heart against all Faint­ing.

I do assure you, Country Folk, these Medicines are as good as any Physician can make, or Patient take; their Virtues are too well known, to say any more; so I shall leave you to experience them. And so I wish you Health, and Happiness.

You may come to my Lodgings, at the Barber's Pole Stone-Gate: At Home, from Seven to Eleven.

To all Gentlemen and Ladies, and Others, whether of City, Town, or Country, ALEXANDER BENDO wisheth all Health and Prospe­rity.

WHereas this famous Metropo­lis of England; (and were the Endeavours of its worthy In­habitants equal to their Pow­er, Merit, and Virtue, I should not stick to denounce it, in a short time, the Metropolis of the whole World:) Whereas, I say, this City, (as most great Ones are) has ever been infested with a numerous Company of such, whose arrogant Confi­dence, back'd with their Ignorance, has enabled them to impose upon the People, either by premeditated Cheats, or, at best, the palpable, dull, and empty Mistakes of their self-deluded Imagination in Phy­sick, Chymical and Galenick, in Astrolo­gy, Physiognomy, Palmestry, Mathema­ticks, [Page 24]Alchymy, and even in Government itself: The last of which, I will not pro­pose to discourse of, or meddle at all in, since it no Way belongs to my Trade or Vocation, as the rest do; which (Thanks to my God) I find much more safe, I think equally honest, and therefore more profitable.

But as to all the former, they have been so erroneously practis'd by many unlearn'd Wretches, whom Poverty and Neediness, for the most Part, (if not the restless Itch of Deceiving,) has forc'd to straggle and wander in unknown Paths, that even the Professions themselves, tho' originally the Products of the most learned and wise Mens labourious Studies and Experience, and by them left a wealthy and glorious Inheri­tance for Ages to come, seem, by this Bastard-Race of Quacks and Cheats, to have been run out of all Wisdom, Learn­ing, Perspicuousness, and Truth, with which they were so plentifully stock'd; and now run into a Repute of meer Mists, Imagina­tions, Errors, and Deceits, such as, in the Management of these Idle Professors, in­deed they were.

You will therefore, (I hope,) Gentlemen, Ladies, and others, deem it but just, that that I, who for some Years have with all Faithfulness and Assiduity courted these Arts, and receiv'd such signal Favours from them, that they have admitted me to the happy and full Enjoyment of themselves, and trusted me with their greatest Secrets, should, with an Earnestness and Concern more than ordinary, take their Parts against these impudent Fops, whose saucy imperti­nent Addresses and Pretensions have brought such a Scandal upon their most immaculate Honours and Reputations.

Besides, I hope you will not think I could be so impudent, that if I had in­tended any such foul Play myself, I would have given you so fair Warning, by my severe Observations upon others. Qui al­terum incusat Probri, ipsum se intueri oportet, (Plaut.) However, Gentlemen, in a World like this, where Virtue is so exactly coun­terfeited, and Hypocrisy so generally taken Notice of, that every one (arm'd with Suspicion) stands upon his Guard against it, 'twill be very hard, for a Stranger espe­cially, to escape Censure. All I shall say for my self on this Score, is this; If I appear to any one like a Counterfeit, even for the sake of that, chiefly, ought I to be constru'd [Page 26]a true Man? Who is the Counterfeit's Example: His Original, and that which he employs his Industry and Pains to imitate and copy. Is it therefore my Fault, if the Cheat, by his Wits and Endeavours, makes himself so like me, that consequently I cannot avoid resembling him? Consider, pray, the Valiant, and the Coward; the wealthy Merchant, and the Bankrupt; the Politician and the Fool; they are the same in many Things, and differ but in one alone: The valiant Man holds up holds up his Head, looks confidently round about him, wears a Sword, courts a Lord's Wife, and owns it: So does the Coward. One only Point of Honour ex­cepted, and that's Courage, which, (like false Metal, one only Tryal can discover) makes the Distinction.

The Bankrupt walks the Exchange, buys Bargains, draws Bills, and accepts them with the Richest, whilst Paper and Credit are current Coin: That which makes the Difference is real Cash; a great Defect, indeed, and yet but one, and that the last found out, and still, 'till then, the least perceiv'd.

Now for the Politician: He is a grave, deliberating, close, prying Man: Pray are [Page 27]there not grave, deliberating, close, pry­ing Fools.

If then, the Difference betwixt all these, (tho' infinite in Effect) be so nice in all Appearance, will you expect it should be otherwise betwixt the false Physician, A­strologer, &c. and the true? The first calls himself learned Doctor, sends forth his Bills, gives Physick and Counsel, tells and foretels; the other is bound to do just as much: 'Tis only your Experience must distinguish betwixt them; to which I wil­lingly submit myself. I'll only say some­thing to the Honour of the Mountebank, in case you discover me to be one.

Reflect a little, what Kind of Creature it is: He is one, then, who is fain to sup­ply some higher Ability he pretends to, with Craft; he draws great Companies to him by undertaking strange Things, which can never be effected. The Politician, (by his Example no doubt,) finding how the People are taken with specious miraculous Impossibilities, plays the same Game, protests, declares, promises I know not what, Things which he is sure can never be brought about: The People believe, are deluded, and pleas'd; the Expectation of a future Good, which shall never befal them, draws their Eyes off a present Evil. [Page 28]Thus are they kept and establish'd in Sub­jection, Peace, and Obedience; he in Greatness, Wealth, and Power. So you see the Politician is, and must be, a Moun­tebank, in State-Affairs; and the Mountebank, no doubt, if he thrives, is an errant Poli­tician in Physick. But that I may not prove too tedious, I will proceed faithfully to in­form you, what are the Things in which I pretend chiefly, at this Time, to serve my Country,

First, I will (by the Leave of God) per­fectly cure that Labes Britannica, or Grand English Disease, the Scurvy; and that with such Ease to my Patient, that he shall not be sensible of the least Inconveniency, whilst I steal his Distemper from him. I know there are many, who treat this Disease with Mercury, Antimony, Spirits, and Salts, be­ing dangerous Remedies, in which I shall meddle very little, and with great Caution; but by more secure, gentle, and less fallible Medicines, together with the Observation of some few Rules in Diet, perfectly cure the Patient, having freed him from all the Symptoms, as Looseness of the Teeth, Scor­butick Spots, Want of Appetite, Pains and La [...]tude in the Limbs and Joints, especi­ally the Legs. And to say true, there are few Distempers in this Nation that are not, [Page 29]or at least proceed not originally from the Scurvy; which, were it well rooted out, (as I make no Question to do it from all those who shall come into my Hands) there would not be heard of so many Gouts, Aches, Dropsies, and Consumptions; nay, even those thick and slimy Humours, which generate Stones in the Kidneys and Blad­der, are for the most Part Off-springs of the Scurvy. It would prove tedious to set down all its malignant Race; but those who address themselves here, shall be still inform'd by me of the Nature of their Di­stempers, and the Grounds I proceed upon to their Cure: So will all reasonable Peo­ple be satisfy'd, that I treat them with Care, Honesty, and Understanding; for I am not of their Opinion, who endeavour to render their Vocations rather mysterious, than useful and satisfactory.

I will not here make a Catalogue of Diseases and Distempers; it behoves a Physician, I am sure, to understand them all; but if any one come to me, (as I think there are very few, that have esca­ped my Practice) I shall not be asham'd to own to my Patient where I find myself to seek; and, at least, he shall be secure with me from having Experiments try'd upon him; a Privilege he can never hope to en­joy, [Page 30]either in the Hands of the grand Doc­tors of the Court and Town, or in those of the lesser Quacks and Mountebanks.

It is thought fit, that I assure you of great Secrecy, as well as Gare in Diseases, where it is requisite, whether Venereal, or other; as some peculiar to Women, the Green-Sickness, Weakness, Inflammations, or Obstructions in the Stomach, Reins, Liver, Spleen, &c. for I would put no Word in my Bill that bears any unclean Sound; it is enough that I make myself understood. I have seen Physicians Bills as bawdy as Aretine's Dialogues, which no Man, that walks warily before God, can approve of; but I cure all Suffocations in those Parts producing Fits of the Mother, Convulsions, nocturnal Inquietudes, and other strange Accidents, not fit to be set down here; perswading young Women very often that their Hearts are like to break for Love, when, God knows, the Distemper lies far enough from that Place.

I have likewise got the Knowledge of a great Secret, to cure Barrenness, (pro­ceeding from any accidental Cause, as it often falls out, and no natural Defect; for Nature is easily assisted, difficultly restor'd, but impossible to be made more perfect by [Page 31]Man, than God himself had first created and bestow'd it,) which I have made use of for many Years with great Success, espe­cially this last Year, wherein I have cur'd one Woman that had been marry'd twenty Years, and another that had been marry'd one and twenty Years, and two Women that had been three Times marry'd; as I can make appear by the Testimonies of se­veral Persons of London and Westminster, and other Places thereabouts. The Medicines I use, cleanse and strengthen the Womb, and are all to be taken in the Space of se­ven Days. And because I do not intend to deceive any Person, upon Discourse with them, I will tell them whether I am like to do them any Good. My usual Contract is, to receive one Half of what is agreed upon, when the Party shall be quick with Child, the other Half when she is brought to Bed.

Cures of this Kind I have done signal, and many; for the which, I doubt not, but I have the good Wishes and hearty Prayers of many Families, who had else pin'd out their Days under the deplorable and re­proachful Misfortunes of Barren Wombs, leaving plentiful Estates and Possessions to be inherited by Strangers.

As to Astrological Predictions, Physiog­nomy, Divination by Dreams, and other­wise, (Palmistry, I have no Faith in, be­cause there can be no Reason alledg'd for it,) my own Experience has convinc'd me more of their considerable Effects, and marvel­lous Operations, chiefly in the Directions of future Proceedings, to the avoiding of Dangers that threaten, and laying hold of Advantages that might offer themselves; I say, my own Practice has convinced me more than all the sage and wise Writings extant of those Matters; for I might say this of myself, (did it not look like Osten­tation,) that I have very seldom fail'd in my Predictions, and often been very ser­viceable in my Advice. How far I am capable in this Way, I am sure is not fit to be deliver'd in Print: Those who have no Opinion of the Truth of this Art, will not, I suppose, come to me about it; such as have, I make no Question of giving them ample Satisfaction.

Nor will I be asham'd to set down here my Willingness to practice Rare Secrets, (tho' somewhat collateral to my Profession) for the Help, Conservation, and Augmen­tation of Beauty and Comeliness; a Thing created at first by God, chiefly for the Glory of his own Name, and then for the [Page 33]better Establishment of mutual Love be­tween Man and Woman; for when God had bestow'd on Man the Power of Strength and Wisdom, and thereby ren­der'd Woman liable to the Subjection of his absolute Will, it seem'd but requisite that she should be endued likewise, in Re­compence, with some Quality that might beget in him Admiration of Her, and so enforce his Tenderness and Love.

The Knowledge of these Secrets, I ga­ther'd in my Travels Abroad, (where I have spent my Time, ever since I was fifteen Years old, to this my nine and twentieth Year) in France and Italy. Those that have travell'd in Italy, will tell you to what a Miracle Art does there assist Nature in the Preservation of Beauty; how Women of Forty bear the same Countenance with those of Fifteen: Ages are no ways distinguish'd by Faces; whereas here in England, look a Horse in the Mouth, and a Woman in the Face, you presently know both their Ages to a Year. I will therefore give you such Remedies, that, without destroying your Complexion, (as most of your Paints and Daubings do,) shall render them purely Fair, clearing and preserving them from all Spots, Freckles, Heats, Pimples, and Marks of the Small-Pox, or any other [Page 34]accidental ones, so the Face be not seam'd or scar'd.

I will also cleanse and preserve your Teeth white and round as Pearls, fasten­ing them that are loose: Your Gums shall be kept entire, as red as Coral; your Lips of the same Colour, and soft as you could wish your lawful Kisses.

I will likewise administer that which shall cure the worst of Breaths, provided the Lungs be not totally perished and im­posthumated; as also certain and infallible Remedies for those whose Breaths are yet untainted; so that nothing but either a very long Sickness, or Old-Age itself, shall ever be able to spoil them.

I will besides (if it be desir'd) take a­way from their Fatness who have overmuch, and add Flesh to those that want it, with­out the least Detriment to their Consti­tutions.

Now, should Galen himself look out of his Grave, and tell me these were Baubles below the Profession of a Physician, I would boldly answer him, That I take more Glory in preserving God's Image, in its unblemish'd Beauty, upon one good Face, than I should do in patching up all the decay'd Carcasses in the World.

They that will do me the Favour to come to me, shall be sure, from Three [Page 35]of the Clock in the Afternoon, till Eight at Night, at my Lodgings in Tower-Street next Door to the Sign of the Black Swan at a Goldsmith's House, to find

Thesaurum & Talentum ne abscondas in Agro.
JOSEPH HAINES's SPEECH, High-German Doctor and Astro­loger in Brandipolis.
Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit.

WHO by the Blessing of Aesculapius, on his great Pains, Travels, and nocturnal Lucubrations, has at­tained to a greater Share of Know­ledge than any Person before him was ever known to do.

Imprimis, Gentlemen, I present you with my Universal Solutive, or Cathartick Elixir, which corrects all the Cacochymick and Cachexical Diseases of the Intestines; cures all internal and external Diseases, all vertiginous Vapours, Hydrocephalous Giddiness or Swimming of the Head, E­pileptick Fits, Flowing of the Gall, Stop­page of Urine, Ulcers in the Womb and Bladder; with many other Distempers, not hitherto distinguished by Name.

Secondly, My friendly Pill, call'd, The never-failing Heliogenes, being the Tincture of the Sun, and deriving Vigour, Influ­ence and Dominion from the same Light; it causes all Complexions to laugh or smile, even in the very Time of taking it; which it effects, by dilating and expanding the Gelastick Muscles, first of all discovered by my self. It dulcifies the whole Mass of the Blood; maintains its Circulation, re­forms the Digestion of the Chylon, for­tifies the Opthalmick Nerves, clears the Officina Intelligentiae, corrects the Exorbitan­cy of the Spleen, mundifies the Hypo­gastrium, comforts the Sphincter, and is an excellent Remedy against the Prosopo-Clorosis, or Green-Sickness, Sterility, and all Obstructions whatever. They operate seven several Ways, in order, as Nature [Page 37]herself requires; for they scorn to be confin'd to any particular Way of Opera­tion, viz. Hypnotically, by throwing the Party into a gentle Slumber; Hydroti­cally, by their Operative Faculty, in o­pening the Interstitia Pororum; Carthartical­ly, by cleansing the Bowels of all Crudi­ties and tartarous Mucilage, with which they abound; Proppysinatically, by for­cing the Wind downward; Hydragogical­ly, by exciting Urine; Pneumatically, by exhilirating the Spirits; and lastly, Synec­dochically, by corroborating the whole Oeconomia Animalis. There are twenty or more in every Tin-Box, sealed with my Coat of Arms, which are, Three Glyster Pipes erect, Gules, in a Field, Argent; my Crest, a bloody Hand out of a Mortar, Emergent; and my Supporters, a Chymist and an Apothecary. This Tinctura Solaris, or most noble Off-spring of Hyperion's Golden Influence, wipes off ab­stersively all those tenacious, conglome­rated, sedimental Sordes, that adhere to the Oesophagus and Viscera, extinguishes all supernatural Ferments and Ebulliti­ons; and in fine, annihilates all the no­sotrophical or morbifick Ideas of the whole corporeal Compages.

Thirdly, My Panagion Outacousticon, or auricular Restorative: Were it possible to [Page 38]shew me a Man so deaf, that if a De­miculverin were to be let off under his Ear, he could not hear the Report, yet these infallible Drops, (first invented by the two famous Physician Brothers, St. Cosmus and St. Damian, call'd the Anargyri in the an­cient Greek Menologies; and some forty Years ago, communicated to me by Ana­stasio Logotheti, a Greek Coloyr at Adrianople, when I was invited into those Parts to cure Sultan Mahomet IV. of an Elephanti­asis in his Diaphragm) he would recover his auditive Faculty, and hear as smartly as an old fumbling Priest, when a young Wench gives him account of her lost Mai­denhead at the Confessional.

Fourthly, My Anodyne Spirit, excellent to ease Pain, when taken inwardly, and ap­plied outwardly, excellent for any Lame­ness, Shrinking or Contraction of the Nerves; for Eyes, Deafness, Pain and Noise in the Ears; and all odontatalgick, as well as podagrical Inflammations.

Fifthly, My Antidotus Antivenerialis; which effectually cures all Gonorrheas, Carnosities in the delinquent Part, Tumours, Phymo­sis, Paraphymosis, Chrystalline, Priapisms, Hemorrhoids, Cantillamata, Ragades, Bu­bos, Imposthumations, Carbuncles, geni­cular Nodes, and the like, without either [Page 39]Baths or Stoves as also without Mercu­ry, so often destructive to the poor Patient, with that Privacy, that the nearest Re­lations shall not perceive it.

Sixthly, My pectoral Lozenges, or Balsam of Balsams, which effectually carries off all windy and tedious Coughs, spitting of Blood, Wheezing in the Larynx and Pthya­lismus, let it be never so inveterate.

Seventhly, and lastly, My Pulvis Vermisu­gus, or Antevermatick Powder, brings up the Rear, so famous for killing and bringing away all sorts of Worms incident to hu­man Bodies, breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum, and dissolving the phlegmatick Crudities that produce Anthro­pophagous Vermin. It has brought away, by Urine, Worms as long as the May-Pole in the Strand, when it flourish'd in its primitive Prolixity, though, I confess, not altogether so thick. In short, 'tis a specifick Catholicon for the Cholick, ex­pels Winds by Eructation, or otherwise; accelerates Digestion, and creates an Ap­petite to a Miracle.

I dexterously couch the Cataract or Suffusion, extirpate Wens of the greatest Magnitude, close up Hair-Lips, whether treble or quadruple; cure the Polipus up­on the Nose, and all scrophulous Tumours, [Page 40]Cancers in the Breast, Noli me tangeris, St. Anthony's Fire, by my new invented Unguentum Antipyreticum, Excrescences, or superfluous Flesh in the Mouth of the Bladder or Womb; likewise I take the Stone from Women or Maids without cutting.

I have Steel-Trusses, and Instruments of a new Invention, together with never-failing Medicines and Methods to cure Ruptures, and knit the Peritonaeum. And here I cannot forbear to communicate an useful Piece of Knowledge to the World, which is, that which the learned Villipandus, in his excellent Treatise, De congrubilitate materiae primae cum confessione Augustana. I take a Rupture to be a Relaxation of the natural Cavities, at the bottom of the cre­master Muscles. But this, en p [...]ssant, I forge all my self, nay, my very Ma­chines for safe and easy drawing Teeth and obscure Stumps. Mrs. Littlehand, Mid­wife to the Princess of Phlegethon, can suf­ficiently inform the Women of my Helps, and what I do for the Disruption of the Fundament and Uterus, and other strange Infirmities of the Matrix, occasioned by the bearing of Children, violent Cough­ing, heavy Work, &c. which I challenge [Page 41]any Person in the Acherontick Dominions to perform but my self.

If any Woman be unwilling to speak to me, they may have the Conveniency of speaking to my Wife, who is expert in all feminine Distempers. She has an excellent Cosmetick Water, to carry off Freckles, Sun-burn, or Pimples; and a curious red Pomatum to plump and colour the Lips. She can make red Hair as white as a Lilly; she shapes the Eyebrows to a Miracle; makes low Foreheads as high as you please; has a never-failing Remedy for offensive Breaths, a famous Essence to correct the ill Scent of the Arm-pits, a rich Water that makes the Hair curl, a most delicate Paste to smooth and whiten the Hands; also,

Those who are not able to come to me, let them send their Urine, especially that made after Mid-night, and on sight of it, I will tell them what their Distemper is, and whether curable, or no. Nay, let a Man be in never so perfect Health of Bo­dy, his Constitution never so vigorous and [Page 42]athletical, if he shews me his Water, I can as infallibly predict what Distemper will first attack him, though perhaps it will be thirty or forty Years hence, as an A­stronomer by the Rules of his Science, can foretel Solar or Lunar Eclipses the Year before they happen. I have pre­dicted miraculous Things by the Pulse, far above any Philosopher. By it, I not only discover the Circumstances of the Body, but if the Party be a Woman, I can foretel how many Husbands and Children she shall have; if a Tradesman, whether his Wife will fortify his Forehead with Horns; and so of the rest. This is not all, but I will engage to tell any serious Per­sons what their Business is on every radical Figure, before they speak one Word; what has already happened to them from their very Infancy, down to the individual Hour of their consulting me; what their present Circumstances are; what will happen to them hereafter; in what part of the Body they have Moles; what Colour and Magni­tude they are of; and lastly, how profited, that is, whether they calminate Equinocti­ally or Horizontally upon the Mesogastri­um; from which Place alone, and no other, as the profound Trismegistus has observ'd before me, in his elaborate Treatise De [Page 43]erroribus Styli Gregoriani, all solid Conjec­tures are to be formed.

I have likewise attained to the green, golden, and black Dragon, known to none but Magicians and hermatick Philosophers; I tell the Meaning of all magical Panti­cles, Sigils, Charms and Lameness, and have a Glass and Help to further Marri­age; and what is more, by my Lear [...] ­ing and great Travels, I have obtained the true and perfect Seed and Blossom of the Female Fern; and infinitely improved that great Traveller Major John Coke's fo­mous Necklaces for breeding of Teeth. The Spring being already advanc'd, which is the properest Season for preventing new, and renewing old Distempers, neglect not this Opportunity —

My Hours are from Nine till Twelve in the Morning, and from Two in the Afternoon till Nine at Night, every Day in the Week, except on the real Christian Sabbath, called Saturday.

It may be of Use to keep this Advertisement.

The HARANGUE of ROBERT WILMORE.

BEHOLD this little Viol, which contains in its narrow Bounds, what the whole Universe can­not purchase, if sold to its true Value: This admirable, this miraculous Elixir, drawn from the Hearts of Mandrakes, Phoenix Livers, and Tongues of Mairmaids, and distill'd by contracted Sun-Beams, has besides the unknown Vir­tue of curing all Distempers both of Mind and Body, that Divine one of animating the Heart of Man to that Degree, that however remiss, cold and cowardly by Nature, he shall become Vigorous and Brave. O stupid and insensible Man! when Honour and secure Renown invites you, to treat it with Neglect, even when you need but passive Valour to become the Heroes of the Age; receive a thou­sand Wounds, each of which would let [Page 45]out fleeting Life; here's that can snatch the parting Soul in its full Career, and bring it back to its native Mansion, baffles grim Death, and disappoints even Fate.

Gentlemen, If any of you here present was at Death's Door, here's this, my Divine Elixir will give you Life again:

'Twas this that made the Roman Le­gions numerous,, and now makes France so formidable; and this alone may be the Occasion of the Loss of Germany.

Come, Gentlemen, buy this Coward's Comfort, quickly buy: What Fop would be abus'd, mimick'd and scorn'd, for fear of Wounds that can be so easily cur'd? Who is it would bear the Insolence and Pride of domineering great Men, proud Officers, or Magistrates? Or who would cringe to Statesmen out of Fear? What Cully would be cuckol'd? What foolish Heir undone by cheating Gamesters? What Lord would be Lampoon'd? What Poet fear the Ma­lice of his Satyrical Brother? Or Atheist fear to fight for Fear of Death? Come, buy my Coward's Comfort, quickly buy.

Here, Gentlemen, is my little Paper of Powder, whose Value surmounts that of Rocks of Diamonds, and Hills of Gold: 'Twas this made Venus a Goddess; and gi­ven her by Apollo; from her deriv'd to Hellen, and in the Sack of Troy lost, till recover'd by me out of some Ruins of Asia.

Come buy it, Ladies, you that wou'd be Fair and wear eternal Youth; and you in whom the amorous Fire remains, when all the Charms are fled: You that dress Young and Gay, and would be thought so, that Patch and Paint, to fill up sometimes old Furrows on your Brows, and set your selves for Conquest, though in vain; here's that which will give you aubern Hair, white Teeth, red Lips, and Dimples on your Cheeks: Come, buy it all you that are past betwitching, and wou'd have hand­some, young, and active Lovers.

Come all you City Wives that would advance your Husbands to be Lord-Mayors, come, buy of me new Beauty: This will give it though now decay'd, as are your Shop Commodities; this will retrieve your Customers, and vend your false and out­of-fashion'd Wares: Cheat, lye, protest, and couzen as you please, a handsome [Page 47]Wife makes all a lawful Gain. Come, City Wives, come buy.

Here is my famous Bottle of Powder, this is the Life and Soul of Man: This is the Amorous Powder which Venus made and gave the God of Love, which made him first a Deity: You talk of Arrows, Bows, and killing Darts; Fables, Poetical Fictions, and no more: 'Tis this alone that wounds and fires the Heart, makes Women kind, and equals Men to Gods; 'tis this that makes your Great Lady doat on the ill-favour'd Fop; your Great Man be jilted by his little Mistress; the Judge cajol'd by his Sempstress, and your Poli­tician by his Comedian; your young La­dy doat on her decrepid Husband; your Chaplain on my Lady's Waiting-Woman, and the young Woman, and the Squire on the Laundry-Maid. In fine, Sirs,

I need say nothing of my Divine Baths of Reformation, nor the Wonders of the old Oracle of the Box, which re­solves all Questions which sufficiently de­clare.

You that come to my Lodgings may have Ad­vice Gratis: My Hours are from Eight to Twelve, and from Three to Six.

LOPUS's HARANGUE at Madrid.

MOST illustrious Dons, and egre­giously beautiful and Virtuous Madona's, with the rest of my gentle Friends and Auditors: Behold your humble most officious Servant Lopus, arrived from the most ancient and stately City of Saragosa, on purpose to make a Present of the wonderful Effects of his Physical and Chymical Arts to your fair Acceptance, in this most glorious and courtly Town of Madrid.

I protest to you, Gentlemen, I and my Wife, with all my Servants, are not able to make of this precious Oil you see in this Glass, half so fast as it is fetch'd a­way from my Lodgings, by Gentlemen and others of this famous Town; and [Page 49]sent for by many of the greatest Dukes and Condees of this much-celebrated Na­tion, some of which have detained me to their private and particular Use a while, since my Arrival, by their splendid Li­beralities, and worthily; for what avails it your Rich Man to have his Cellars stuf­fed with the purest Grape, and his Tables furnished with the rarest Variety of dainty Acetes, when his Physicians prescribe him (on pain of Death) to drink nothing but Watergruel, or over-stew'd Herbs in a thin heartless Broth? O Health! the Blessing of the Rich! the Riches of the Poor! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate, since they cannot enjoy any Happiness in this World without thee?

Be not then so sparing of your Purses, honourable Gentlemen, as to abridge the natural Course of your Lives; for when a humid Flux, or Catarrh, by the Muta­bility of the Air, falls from your Head into an Arm, or Shoulder, or any other Part, take you a Ducat or a Castilion of Gold, and apply it to the Place affect­ed, and see what good it will do. No, no, it is this blessed Unguento, this rare Ex­traction, that only hath the Power to dis­perse all malignant Humours, from what­soever [Page 50]ill-effected Causes they shall proceed.

It has Power to fortify the most indi­gest and crude Stomach in the World, though it be of one that (through extreme Weakness) vomits Blood, applying only a warm Napkin to the Place, after the Unction and Fricace: For the Vertigo in the Head, putting but a Drop into your Nostrils, likewise behind your Ears; a most sovereign and approved Remedy; the Mal Caduco, Cramps, Convulsions, Pa­ralysies, Epilepsies, Tremor Cordis, retir'd and shrunk Nerves, evil Vapours of the Spleen, stopping of the Liver, the Stone, the Strangury, Hernia Ventosa, Iliaca Pas­sio; stops a Dysenteria, immediately ea­seth the Torsion of the small Guts; and cures Melancholia Hypochondriaca, being taken and apply'd according to my prin­ted Receipt; for this is the Physician, this the Medicine, this counsels, this cures, this gives the Direction, this works the Effect, and, in sum, both together may be termed an Abstract of the Theorick and Practick in the Esculapian Art.

The Price is but four Ryals, that is the Price; and less I know, in courtesy, you cannot offer me, take it or leave it; howso­ever, both I and it are at your Service. [Page 51]I ask you not near the Value of the Thing, for then I should ask you a thou­sand Ducats; so several Grandees and Grandeza's have given me: But I despise Money, only to shew my Affection to you, Honourable Gentlemen, and this most in­clyte Town. I have neglected the Mes­sages of divers Princes and Nobles, and directed my Journey hither, only to pre­sent you with the Fruits of my Experi­ence and Travels.

I have here likewise a most inestima­ble Vegetable, which is equally to be va­lued with my Oil, of both which, if I had but Time to discourse to you, the miraculous Effects, with the countless Ca­talogue of those I have cured of the afore­said, and many more Diseases; the Pa­tents and Privileges of the most Catho­lick and Christian Kings, as also of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Chris­tendom, or but the Depositions that have appeared on my Part, before the most learned College of Physicians, where I was authoriz'd, upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments, and my own Excellency in Matter of rare and unknown Secrets, to disperse them pub­lickly for the common Good; and though divers professed to have as good and experi­mented [Page 52]Receipts as my self; and have assayed to make both of this Oil and Wa­ter, bestowed great Cost in Furnaces, Stills, Alembicks, continual Fires, and Preparation of Ingredients, (as indeed there goes to each of them six hundred several Simples at least,) yet they ever lost their Labour and Cost, both for Want of that large Talent of Knowledge, re­quisite to such a Work. For my self, I have always hunted after the most recon­dite Secrets; and to get them I have spared no Rest or Labour, but taken in­defatigable Pains therein; insomuch, as Gentlemen, I will undertake (by Virtue of Chymical Art,) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head, to extract the four Elements, that is to say, Fire, Air, Water, and Earth, and return you the Felt without Burn or Stain; for whilst others have been at the Balloo, I have been at my Book, and am now past the crag­gy Parts of Study, and come to the flow'ry Plains of Honour and Reputation.

Here is likewise a Powder concealed in this Paper, of which, if I should speak to the Worth, five thousand Volumes where but as one Page, that Page as a Line, that Line as a Word: So short is this Pilgrimage of Man, (which some call Life,) [Page 53]to the expressing of it; or, if I would re­flect upon the Price, why, the whole World were but as an Empire, that Empire as a Province, that Province as a Bank, that Bank as a private Purse, to the Pur­chase of it: I will only tell you, it is the very Powder that made Venus a Goddess, (given her by Apollo,) that kept her per­petually Young, cleared her Wrinkles, firmed her Gums, filled her Skin, colour'd her Hair; from her deriv'd to Hellen, and at the Sack of Troy unfortunately lost, till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary, out of some Ruins of Asia, who sent a Moie­ty of it to the Court of France; but much sophisticated; the rest at this pre­sent remains with me, extracted to a Quintescence; so that wherever it but tou­ches in Youth, it perpetually preserves, in Age restores the Complexion, sets your Teeth as firm as a Wall, makes them white as Ivory, that were as black as Jet; and with the Addition of a most wonder­ful Bath, of my own Preparation, it will tinct a grey Hair a pure Auburn, and make it grow so; make you cast your old harsh Skin for one as fresh and smooth as Lada's, and so supple and quicken your Joints and Nerves, as but seldom using it, [Page 54]you shall ever enjoy your Juvenal Acti­vities, Gusto's, and total Abilities, to the Admiration of all that formerly knew you.

Many other rare Effects there are of this Powder and Bath, too tedious to reckon in this Place; but whosoever has a Mind to try them, if they please to repair to me at my Lodgings, shall be more particularly informed; only this I shall add at this present: This Powder, has like­wise a wonderful Variety of Amorous Ef­fects belonging to it, which are not here to be enumerated; and for my rare Oil, though I impart to the Rich for Money, I often Cure the Poor for God's sake.

And so God preserve his most Catholick Majesty.

The HARANGUE of the Famous SCOTO of Mantuano.

IT may seem strange, that I, your Scoto Mantuano, who was ever wont to fix my Bank in Face of the publick Piazza, near the shelter of the Portico, to the Procuratia, should now (after eight Months Absence from this illustrious City of Venice) humbly retire my self into an obscure Nook of the Piazza.

Let me tell you, I am not (as your Lombard Proverb saith) cold on my Feet, or content to part with my Commodities at a cheaper rate, than I accustomed; look not for it. Nor that the calumnious Reports of that impudent Detractor, and Shame to our Profession, (Alessandro Buttone I mean,) who gave out in publick, I was condemn'd a' Sforzato to the Galleys, for poisoning the Cardinal Bembo's — Cook, hath at all at­tacked, much less dejected me. No, no, wor­thy Gentlemen, (to tell you true,) I cannot [Page 56]endure to see the Rabble of these Ground Ciarlitani, that spread their Cloaks on the Pavement, as if they meant to do Feats of Activity, and then come in lamely with their mouldy Tales out of Boccacio, like stale Tabarine the Fabulist: Some of them discoursing their Travels, and of their te­dious Captivity in the Turks Galleys, when indeed (were the Truth known) they were the Christian Galleys, where very tempe­rately they eat Bread, and drunk Water as a wholsome Penance (enjoin'd them by their Confessors) for base Pilferies.

These Turdy, facy, nasty, petty, lousy, far­cical Rogues, with one poor Groat's Worth of unprepar'd Antimony, finely wrapp'd up in several Scartoccio's, are able, very well to kill their twenty a Week, and play; yet, these meager-starv'd Spirits, who have half stopp'd the Organs of their Minds with ear­thy Oppilations, want not their Favourers among your shrivel'd, sallad-eating Arti­zans; who are overjoy'd, that they may have their Half-perth of Physick, though it purge 'em into another World, it makes no matter.

Well, let 'em go: And Gentlemen, ho­nourable Gentlemen, know, that for this Time, our Bank, being thus remov'd from the Clamours of the Canaglia, shall be the [Page 57] Scene of Pleasure and Delight: For, I have nothing to sell, little or nothing to sell.

I protest, I, and my six Servants are not able to make of this precious Liquor, so fast as it is fetch'd away from my Lodg­ing by Gentlemen of your City, Strangers of the Terrafirma, worshipful Merchants, ay, and Senators too, who ever since my ar­rival, have detained me to their Uses, by their splendidous Liberalities; and wor­thily: For, what avails your rich Man to have his Magazines stuft with Moscadelly, or of the purest grape, when his Physicians prescribe him (on Pain of Death) to drink nothing but Water cocted with Aniseeds? O, health! health! the Blessing of the Rich! the Riches of the Poor! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate, since there is no en­joying this World without thee: Be not then so sparing of your Purses, honourable Gen­tlemen, as to abridge the natural Course of Life. —

For, when a humid Flux, or Catarrh, by the Mutability of Air, falls from your Head into an Arm or Shoulder, or any other Part, take you a Ducat, or your Cecchine of Gold, and apply to the Place affected; see, what good Effect it can work? No, no, 'tis this blessed Unguento, this rare Extraction, that hath only Power to disperse all malig­nant [Page 58]Humours, that proceed, either of hot, cold, moist, or windy Causes. —

To fortify the most indigest and crude Stomach, ay, were it of one that (through extream Weakness) vomited Blood, apply­ing only a warm Napkin to the Place after the Unction and Fricace; for the Vertigine in the Head, putting but a Drop into your Nostrils, likewise behind the Ears; a most sovereign and approved Remedy: The Malcaduco, Cramps, Convulsions, Paralysies, Epilepsies, Tremor-Cordia, retired Nerves; ill Vapours of the Spleen, Stopping of the Liver, the Stone, the Strangury, Hernia Ventosa, Iliaca Passio; stops a Dysenteria im­mediately; easeth the Torsion of the small Guts; and cures Melancholia Hypocondriaca, being taken and applyed, according to my printed Receipt: Pointing to his Bill and his Glass. For, this is the Physician, this the Medicine; this Counsels, this Cures; this gives the Direction, this works the Ef­fect: And (in sum) both together may be term'd an abstract of the Theorick and Practick in the Aesculapian Art. 'Twill cost you eight Crowns. And, Zan Fritada, pri­thee sing a Verse extempore in Honour of it.

No more. Gentlemen, if I had but Time to discourse to you the miraculous Effects of this my Oil, sirnamed Oglio del Scoto, with the countless Catalogue of those I have cured of the aforesaid, and many more Di­seases; the Patents and Privileges of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Christen­dom; or but the Depositions of those that appear'd on my Part before the Signiory of the Sanit [...], and most learned College of Physicians, where I was authorized, upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments, and mine own Excel­lency in Matter of rare and unknown Se­crets, [Page 60]not only to disperse them publick­ly in this famous City, but in all the Territories that happily joy under the Go­vernment of the most pious and magni­ficent States of Italy. But may some other gallant Fellow say, Oh! there be divers that make Profession to have as good and as experimented Receipts as yours: In­deed, very many have assay'd, like Apes, in Imitation of that which is really and essentially in me, to make of this Oil; bestow'd great Cost in Furnaces, Stills, A­lembicks, continual Fires, and Prepara­tion of the Ingredients, (as indeed there goes to it six hundred several Simples, besides some Quantity of human Fat, for the Conglutination, which we buy of the Anatomists;)but when these Practitio­ners come to the last Decoction, blow, blow, puff, puff, and all flies in Fumo! Ha, ha, ha, poor Wretches! I rather pity their Folly and Indiscretion, than their Loss of Time and Money; for those may be reco­vered by Industry; but to be a Fool born, is a Disease incurable. For myself, I al­ways from my Youth have endeavour'd to get the rarest Secrets, and book them, ei­ther in Exchange, or for Money: I spared not Cost nor Labour, where any Thing was worthy to be learned. And Gentle­men, [Page 61]honourable Gentlemen, I will under­take (by Virtue of Chymical Art,) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head, to extract the four Elements, that is to say, the Fire, Air, Water, and Earth, and return you your Felt without Burn or Stain; for whilst others have been at the Balloe, I have been at my Book, and am now past the craggy Parts of Stu­dy, and come to the flow'ry Plains of Ho­nour and Reputation.

But to our Price: You all know (honou­rable Gentlemen) I never valued this Ampulla, or Villa, at less than eight Crowns, but for this Time I am content to be de­prived of it for six; six Crowns is the Price; and less, in courtesy, I know you cannot offer me, take it or leave it; how­soever, both it and I am at your Service. I ask you not as the Value of the Thing, for then I should demand of you a thousand Crowns; so the Cardinals Montalto, Fernese, the Great Duke of Tuscany, my Gossip, with divers other Princes, have given me; but I despise Money: Only to sh [...]w my Affection to you, honourable Gentlemen, and your illustrious State here, I have neglected the Messages of these Princes; mine own Offices fram'd my Journey hither, only to present you with the Fruits of [Page 62]my Travels. Tune your Voices once more to the Touch of your Instruments, and give the honourable Assembly some de­lightful Recreations.

Well, I am in a Humour (at this Time) to make a Present of the small Quantity my Coffer contains; to the Rich in cour­tefy, and to the Poor for God's sake. Where­fore now mark; I ask'd you six Crowns; and six Crowns at other Times you have paid me: You shall not give me six Crowns, nor five, nor four, nor three, nor two, nor one, nor half a Ducat, no, nor a Muccinigo; Sixpence it will cost you, or six hundred Pound: — Expect no lower Price; for [Page 63]by the Banner of my Front, I will not bate a Bagatine; that I will have only as a Pledge of your Loves, to carry some­thing from amongst you, to shew I am not contemn'd by you. Therefore now toss your Handkerchiefs chearfully, chearfully; and be advertized, that the first heroick Spirit that deigns to grace me with a Hand­kerchief, I will give it a little Remem­brance of something beside, shall please it better than if I had presented it with a double Pistolet.

Lady, I kiss your Bounty; Celia at the Win­dow throws down her Handker­chief. and for this timely Grace you have done your poor Scoto of Mantua, I will return you over and above, my Oil, a Secret of that high and inestimable Nature, shall make you for ever enamour'd on that Minute, wherein your Eye first descended on so mean (yet not al­together to be despised) an Object. Here is a Powder concealed in this Paper, of which, if I should speak to the Worth, nine thousand Volumes where but as one Page, that Page as a Line, that Line as a Word: So short is this Pilgri­mage of Man, (which some call Life,) to the expressing of it: Would I reflect upon the Price, why, the whole World were but as an Empire, that Empire as a Pro­vince, that Province as a Bank, that [Page 64]as a private Purse, to the Purchase of it: I will only tell you, it is the Powder that made Venus a Goddess, (given her by Apol­lo,) that kept her perpetually Young, clear­ed her Wrinkles, firmed her Gums, filled her Skin, colour'd her Hair; from her de­riv'd to Hellen, and at the Sack of Troy (unfortunately) lost, till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary out of some Ruins of Asia, who sent a Moiety of it to the Court of France, (but much sophisticated,) wherewith the Ladies there now colour their Hair; the rest (at this present) re­mains with me, extracted to a Quin­tescence; so that wherever it but touches in Youth, it perpetually preserves; in Age restores the Complexion, seats your Teeth, did they dance like virginal Jacks, firm as a Wall, makes them white as Ivory that were black as —