Cuckoldom Alamode, or A Comical Relation, of an Eminent Tallow-Chandler, who sneak'd off last Week with an Ale-Drapers Wife, near Grays-Inn. With the Tallow-Chandlers Wife's Lamentation for the loss of her Husband, and the Ale-Drapers sorrow for the absence of his Wife.
To which is added, the Leicestershire Cobbler's misfortune, or a Hue and Cry after a lost Maiden Head, in Bell-Yard, near Sheare-Lane, with other pleasant Particulars.
AN Eminent Tallow-Chandler, (it being a slippery Trade) lived very lately near Red-Lyon Square, why tho' he had a Handsome Wife of his own, would needs be handling of other Folks, Folk, and among the rest, a Young Woman near Grays-Inn, but it being near the I a vyers apparments, I think it my Duty to clear up the matter so far as to tell my Readers she was none of their Wives, (tho' some of them are wanton enough) but a certain Ale-Drapers Wife, whose Charming features so far he witen'd the Head-strong Tallow-Chandler, that he could not be contented to go half Snacks with the Ale-Draper, but was so unreasonable, as to play at Sweep Stakes with him, and in order to bring his unlawful project to Effect, he for several Weeks last post, frequented the Derb, Merchants House, who being one of those contented Christian, who lays claim to Heaven by their Wives Transgressions; gave the Tallow-Chandler all the Freedom Imaginable; who Improv'd the opportunity to that degree, that he prevail'd with his Wife to leave her Husbands Tapp, and wholly take her self to his Candle Mould: The Innocent Husband, tho' he was partly Sencible the Tallow-Chandler Traded with his Wife by Retail, yet he did not Dream in the least, he would take her by the Lump; but tho' it is too true, yet contrary to the Proverb, we have made bold to make a Jest on't, and you may take my word for't, (if you won't be at the pains to go to see) that they went both away together last Week and neither of 'em empty Handed. The Tallow-Chandler (as I am Inform'd,) having took a considerable [...]umm of Money with him, and the Ale-Drapers Wife has Ea [...]d her Husband of a great many of hi [...] best moveables, except his own Tool which she did not like, leaving her Husband, who was before a mild and contented Man; (but now a Horn Mad Cuckold) fretting and raving in such a sad & deplorable manner, that 'ewould grieve a Bodies Heart to hear his Sighs & Lamentations, tho' to do him justice, 'tis not so much for the loss of his Wife, as the discovery of His Horns, which till then he kept Incognito, and that which agravates his misfortune, he hears that they are on their way to Ireland, so that he is like to bid adieu to his light Heel'd Wife. And the Tallow-Chandlers Wife to her wanton and Lascivious Husband, he having left her several small Children.
The Leicestershire Cobbler's misfortune.
A Certain Cobbler, alias Translator of Shoots, of the First and Second Edition, keeping a large Bulk, near Bell Yard, by Sheer Lane; and having often been a deridder and scoffer at other Mens misfortunes, especially Female Incumbrances; had the evil Fortune himself to fall into the like Inconveniency, for lately Trading between the two Hams, for an Invisible thing call'd a Maiden Head, and having by the use of his Awl, and other Dexterous and Natural Ingenuity deprived the right owner of it; and being not able to make restitution; the careless looser Mrs. Abigal-Wagtail, who now lives at the Stool of Repentance, came last Week to his renowned Stall, where she produced the Fruits of his Labour as a Testimony against him affirming that he was the Man who rifled her Copy-hold, and consequently had Robb'd her of that Treasure, which he was not able to restore; the Cobler at first was in great consternation, looking as White as a Clout; to see such unwelcome vissiters but seeing there was no way to avoid keeping the Battling: He told his Neighbours that it was in vain to deny the matter since she produced his Hand & Seal to the Contract; and thereupon was forced to give Security to the Parish for the maintenance thereof.