THE POOR CLIENT'S COMPLAINT
COlin by Promise being Oblig'd to pay,
Me such a Sum, betwixt and such a day:
I ask'd it; he refus'd it; I addrest
Aulus the Lawyer: He reply'd, it's best
To Sue him at the Law. I'le make him debtor;
Your Cause is good, there cannot be a better.
Being thus advis'd away to Pete I trudge,
Pray him, and pay him to bespeak the Judge:
Engaged thus for better and for worse
I must proceed, and thus I do depurse.
For Writing Summons, Signing, Signeting:
With a red Plaster and a Paper Ring;
For Summoning the Principal, and then
For Citeing Witnesses to say Amen;
For Executions (alias Indorsations)
For Tabling, Calling with Continuations:
Next for Consulting Aulus and his Man;
For he must be Consulted now and than:
For pleading in the Outter-house and Inner.
From Ten to Twelve, then Aulus goes to Dinner:
For Writing Bills, for reading them, for Answers
More dubious then those of Necromancers.
For Interlocutors, for little Acts,
For large Decreets, and their as large Extracts.
For Hornings, for discussing of Suspensions,
Full Stuff'd with Lies and frivolous Pretensions:
For Please your Lop. and such like Petitions,
For raising and for serving Inhibitions.
And for Comprysings, or Adjudications,
For their Allowances for Registrations;
With many other Acts, and Protestations,
Which may be Summ'd up in one word Vexations.
Then unexpectedly upon a small
Defect alledg'd, Colin Reduces all:
We to't again, and Aulus doth disjoynt
The Process, and debates it Point be Point;
The Cause at length's Concluded, but not ended,
This made me Wonder! Aulus he pretended,
Decreets must not be given out at Randum,
But most abide a serious Avisandum.
Conform to course of Roll; when that will be
Indeed I cannot tell, nor yet can he.
Thus Aulus hath for Ten years space Extended
The Plea, and further more I have Expended
Vast Sums, to wit, for Washing, Lodging, Dyer,
Yet seldom did I rest, or sleep in quier.
For Coal, for Candle, Paper, Pen and Ink.
And such like things, which truely one would think,
Were unsignificant, but yet they're come
In Ten Years space unto a pretty Sum.
To Macers, Turn-keys, Agents, Catchpols, Petes,
Servants, Sub-servants, petty Foggers, Cheats;
For Morning-drinks, Four-hours, half-Gills at Noon
To fit their Stomack for the Fork & Spoon,
To which they go, but I poor man mean while
Slip quietly to the Earl of Murray's
Old Kirk.
Isle.We meet again at two, then to desgeast
Their bellyful, they'l have a Gill at least,
Sometime a double One; for Brandy-wine
Can only end the War call'd Intestine:
For Mum, Sack, Claret, White-wine, Purl, Beer, Ale,
(One he would have it new, another stale)
Both must be pleas'd, for Pipes, Tobacco, Snuff,
Tuist, Coffee, Tea, yea and a greasie Stuff
Call'd Chocolet, Punch, Clarified Whey,
With other Drinks, all which I duely pay:
For Rolls, for Nackets, Roundabouts, Sour Kakes,
For Cheshire-Cheese, fresh Butter, Cuckies, Bakes,
For Panches, Saucers, Sheepheads, Cheats, Plack-pyes.
Lamb-legs, Lamb kirnels, and Lamb Privities.
Skait, Lobsters, Oysters, Mussels, Wilks, Neats Tongues,
One he for Leeks, Beer, and Red-herring longs.
This must be had, an other doth prefer
Raw herring, Onions. Oyl, Spice, Vinegar.
Rare Composition; and he's truly sorry
It's not in Colpeppers Dispensatory:
For Aples, Peers, Plumbs, Cherrys, and Green-peese
Dulce, Tangles, Purslain, Turnapes, Radishes,
With fourty other Things, I have forgot,
And I'm a Villain if I pay'd them not.
Moreover my Affairs at Home sustain
Both the emergent Loss, and cessant Gain;
Aulus himself terms his a double loss,
And I call him and it, a triple Cross:
By all these means my Expence doth surmount
Near ten times, ten times Colin's first Account.
And now e're that I wholly be bereft
Of th' little Time and Money to me left,
I'm at the length resolved thus to do,
I'le shun my Debitor and Lawyer too:
And after this I never will give credit
Unto one Word, tho either of them said it:
You'l ask which of the two I'd rather shun,
Aulus; it's he, it's he hath me undone,
I've Words from both, but sad Experience tells.
That Colin gives, but Aulus dearly sells.
FINIS.