BOƲRLASQƲE NEWS From the Antipodes.
WHoever are such serious Fools, as to believe that there is any thing in this Book that concerns any person within our Hemisphere, shall be condemned to have no more wit then is needful to a Constable, besides being incapacitate to trade for the unknown riches in terrâ incognitâ.
Severall Resolves from the Cabal of virtonosi, in the Gessamine Arbor of Beneche in Cardenia.
1. Resolved, That the difference twixt the Jansenists and Semipelagians of Lochqhabria, bereferred to the learned decision of the Sorbonists in Knoydirt and Moydirt.
[Page 2]2. Resolved, That the tender consciences in Glencoe be allowed five Michaelmasse Moons in the year, for catching Spreachries, to support their Christmasse in flesh.
3. Resolved, That the firy Botanick Vestals of the Trone Cloyster, have liberty of harborising on the flowry banks of the river of Loytburnia, with this provision, that such springs of Rosemary as shall be gathered, be imployed for the Funerall of the Utopian Daaaagon: as likewise if they find any of the lascivious Roots, called Eringo, by the Moderns tearmed Herba Cantea, that they be decently basketted up, and sent to the Oblieging houses in the back of Bels Winde and Pataraw, for seasoning their Stipone.
4. Resolved, That no Latine Ballads shall appear in print, till they be approven by the Elders of Gilliwhimeny.
5. Resolved, That John a Groat have a patent for selling Muscadine and Hypocrasse, to refresh the Phanatick Pilgrims that comes from China in quest of Lobstar-claws and Cockle-shels.
6. Resolved, That whoever will be so fierce as to Curle in December with a slasht Taffaty Dublet, shall be honoured with a Skutchin,viz. a sable Whinstone of one hundred weight in a field Azure, and a brace of Flanel clouts Argent for his Supporters.
7. Resolved, That such Flamens of Cardenia as are clear for the interest of Appollo, be encouraged with the Excise of the Oranges and Limons that growes in the valleyes of Kintalia.
[Page 3]8. Resolved, That the Citizens of Dunkellia be permitted to make a Bowling Green of Gillyeranky, and that they have the gift of all such Chymicall vessels as hath not produced the Philosophers stone, for brewing Aquavitae.
9. Resolved, That the Mineral Adventurers have full liberty to drown Arthur seat in Dudiston Loch, and make discovery of the King of Nod's treasure, which was concealed there before the flood.
10. Resolved, That the Lyons os Buchania be ornamented with the Whey-beards of Quadelia, in regard they are not Ravenous beasts of Prey.
11. Resolved, That if an Antiplatonick Lady of Cardenia have the fortune to be topt by a Domestick pedant, she shall be forthwith sent to the Metropolis of Driuna, and after she hath been mustered in the Synagogue of the Grand Piasaes, and received instructions from the Lecture of that Logerheaded Oracle, that prophesies there, that she be then in a Hackney Rampant, hurried through the valley of Hoburnia, and inaugurat vestall, in the Cloyster of Bloomsberia, and Mr. Obediah Now and Anon, to carry on the work of Consecration.
12. Resolved, That if a Cardenian Ladies Jackwoman have a crack in her Curpon, and prefer the houshold Flamen to be her Husband, before the Lairds Grieve or Butler, that for that generous act she shall be absolved from the Stool of Repentance.
13. Resolved, That the Gilded Herrings of Dunbaria in Cardenia, shall be (without let or hinderance suffered [Page 4] to passe by land) if they can, to the Cantons of Swisse, to enjoy their free sence of Monarchies without their cradle The great gilded Herring was forking with Oliver Neptun for his privy seal of Cardenia Antipathies. Resolved likewise, if they come back the same way, they have licence to passe to Druina, so that every one hath their Privy seal, and there Collegiat themselves, against all the Sophisters of Botargo Cavear, &c. of the Drugs.
14. Resolved, That the Grand Hocus of the Cardenian Athens be prohibited to meddle any more with the screwing pins of Monarchy, M. R. B. Andriapoli. lest the discreet disease of his feet, be screwed up to his neck, and there supported by a pin that needs no screw.
15. Resolved, That there be a Padlock on the Pen, and a Gage in the mouth of MERCURIUS CALEDONIUS, if from hence forth he do not draw a vail over the Phanatick infirmities of the Cardenian Lunaticks.
After these decrees, the Court both adjourned, and removed their station: for notwitstanding all the Art of Umbrellaes and other cooling inventions, the scor [...]ching heat of the Sun, oblieged them to shift; their next meeting place is at the Pram of Stow, nigh Wardyhouse in Norway; And what shall then be determined, after they are well soused in Brunsweek Mum and Rustick Beer, you shall know if phlegmatick Coxcombs be not jealous, [Page 5] that we still speak in Riddels and Metaphors.
From Italia Nova.
The Moderator of the City of Petropolis, which the Modern Mercurius Tresmegistus tearms Pope of Rome, hath commanded Pasquinus and Morphorius his two Theological Poets to translate the Spiritual Charter of the Flamens of Cardenia into Swedes Ryme, and dressed into Notes, to the tune of Coliu toun Pung. [...] Upon this consideration to regal with syrenads such galloping Nuns Errant that comes in pilgrimage to admire ill Rogero infuriato de St. Orlando. This same sanctified Moderator, with the advice of his Lobster Presbytery of Cardinals, hath resolved it no sacraledge to be bold with St. Peters Patrimony, to swell up his Contadini relationi to the riches and dignity of Princes, which hath so irritat the Banquers of the confraternity of Capuchins, that they resolve to withdraw their pecunial supplies, with which they furnisht his Holiness for assisting the godly Venetians; the Multiloquacious Carthusians were no less startled [Page 6] at the Homologation of his Holinesses hints, for which one of them had the fate to be gelt for his saucy expressions in a Sermon, upon the vigil of sancta Futina: this oppobrie done to his Fathership raised such a Mutiny amongst the Calias of their reverences, if that they had been provided with such boysterous Kirkstools, as is the Cock nodled Matrons of Cardenia, the Moderator of Petropolis might have had his beard brushed in the same mode as the Metrapolitanus Edinensis in Anno, 1637.
From Ʋtopia Nova.
Apollo being sensible of the sad influences which the luxouriant Flamens brought upon his Interest, with advice of his grand Counsell, found it expedient to restrayne their exorbitant humours, and Established this ensuing Act, which is here set down in the same Language that all the Authentick Charters of that antient Kingdom are writ in.
Quandoquidem antiqui hujus Regni in Utopia Nova qui debebant esse [Page 7] à sacris, tot tantasque, domi forisque, in Ecclesia & Statu, procellas pro suo quisque genio, suscitarint, susque deque cuncta movendo. Hinc Statutum sit, quod si quis eorum inposterum civilibus sese miscuerit, praeter Synagogae jacturam quam proculdubio faciet, Lanifilio Correction house damnabitur in domo illi usui destinata, ibique secundum delicta Virgis caesus, paenas dabit.
This Act was no sooner known to these Fanatick Flamens but they hasted to their relations, which for most part are the best bred plow men of the land, Indeed this was no small mortification to them, as being a means to stop that retreat wherein they thrust their stripling Children, that could neither whistle nor dryve: for true Learning was so little regarded in the Flamenian trade, that none but Prodigious Dolts enterprised it, the most part of their Jargon [Page 8] being an ill Natured grumbleing in Publick against the actions of these whom they flattered in privat.
The Grand Counsell hath made many other admirable Acts for Asserting the Interest of Appollo, and the Marches twixt his Sacred Majesty and his people will be rendred so conspicuous, that there can hardly ever any mistaks fall out for the future.
From Terra incognita.
All our expectations here is, that because of our scarcity of people, his Majesty of Great Brittaine will disburden his Kingdoms of turbulent Spirits and waft them over to us.