A witty Answer, and Vindication to a foolish Pamphlet, intituled New Orders, New, agreed upon by a Parliament of Round-heads.
ALthough our zeale, sincerity, and pious devotion to the publicke Good, and universall Accommodation of this Kingdome, especially the security of the City of London, affords us little leasure to spend our times so vainly in answering a scandalous Pamphlet, intituled, New Orders agreed upon by a Parliament of Round-heads, yet the malignant party (whom we justly conceive composed it) taking all occasions to multiply calumnies upon our zealous integrity, we cannot be so much wanting to our innocency, as not to cleare our selves from those false aspersions.
If the inconsiderate Penner of this Libell had discreetly considered with himselfe, That if in the spacious Theater of the Vniverse the singular conditions of singular persons are articulated in some expresse place, his Pamphlet might have worthily became a Tragedy, wherein he may plainly see his owne ignorance acted. Wherefore the Rattle-heads (to whose Periwigs their French-infected haire and eares infinitely stands engaged) have according to their owne giddy imaginations assembled at a convenient place, named Rattle heads Court, a way-bit from Yorke, conduceable to their resolutions. Hither doth the Councell of the malignant party gang usually, and doe stile themselves the Resolute Senate of the Times.
As for the appellation of fooles, which they reflect upon us, it [Page]is a word so obvious and frequent amongst them, that we will not wrong them so much as to deprive them of their owne Titles, which are the chiefest they have in their Court.
The end, for which they doe gang to this Court is this, Their ungodly and irreligious Actions being contradicted, and condemned by the true Protestants, whom they call Puritans; they have now thought it expedient to call a Councell of their owne tribe to maintaine those wicked actions. They sate in forme of a Parliament (may there no exceptions be taken at the word, nor any derogative from the reverent and honourable name of our happy blessed Parliament, but onely a reflection to their word) where Mr. Short-breath was Speaker in the house, whose lungs being as weake as his braine, did prate with as much judgement to his Court, as a Billings-gate Oisterwife doth sometime to her Welch Auditory, with as much confidence as if all the castles in the aire were built in his brain, with as much celerity of speech, as if he were resolved that his temerarious-intended words should be performed at the Greeke Calends: and lastly, with as much rancitude and loudnesse of voice, as if he had ejaculated, and blowne his words forth with a Sow-gelders horne. The Clerke of the house was Periwig alias No-eares, for what abounded in his specious haire, and obstreperous words, was wanting in his eares, and knowledge. Thus being conveened in Rattle-heads Court in this manner all in order (for they say every order is a regular Law, and where no order is, there is incivility, Ergo it is as much Law for them to be rul'd by order, as it is order for the Law to be rul'd by them) they began to declare their severall opinions, each man strangely contending to see whether his rashnesse or folly did exceed.
Orders made by the Parliament of Rattle-heads, assembled at Rattle-heads Court a way-bit from YORKE.
SInce the malignant party assembled at Rattle-heads Court, have apparently understood the hopefull reformation of the Church, the truthe of the people, and the sincerity of some piously affected, and that they being sensible of the unfained devotion of some Protestants (whom they call Puritans) and what promising piety that devotion may produce, if not by them prevented: Its therefore ordered by the Rattle-heads,
1. Since a Supremacy, higher and superiour Powers be the Ordinances of God, and that there needeth no parity, or equality of persons, be it therefore ordered that we be all Kings.
2. That we have all Bishops because they will advance Popish superstition, and that we ordaine the Star-chamber and High-commission Court for them, where they may tyranize once more.
3. That we have Churches, though we never go to them, and those Popishly adored too, that the world may think we are very holy, though (God knows) we hate it above al things in the world.
4. That we have Bells, Organs and Babilonish Timpans, that we may laugh, sport, talke, and be merry in the Church upon any occasion, while they delude the ears of others.
5. That we have Crosses, for they seem not onely Popish, but likewise are not commanded by Scripture, and they are pretty guegawes to behold, and therefore we acknowledge them worthy to be in the Church, that wee may adore and worship them too, contrary to all Christianity; especially let the glorious light Cheap-side Crosse (the guilded shadow of the City of London) be a happines unto you all, that when you have nothing to doe, you may deceive idlenesse in gazing upon that with reverence: And for the more frequent honor of the Word, let Crosse be interposed in the name of every street, as Fleet Crosse street &c. Thus Crosse being so obvious, and every holy word rooted out and extirpated from our mouthes, nothing but what may [Page]relish of Arminanisme, and Popery may remaine in our convocations.
7. That we may assume no other names to our selves but Rattle-heads, and that we may appeare to be so by the manner of our Periwigs, the length of our curled or crisped haire, by the pearle or ribbins at the eares, which distinguisheth those that have eares amongst us, or those that have none, by the carbuncles of the face, and the rednesse of the Taverne-coloured nose, by the pretious vertue whereof we doe not onely smell out the levity of some Citizens wives, but are also feared and honoured as old beaten souldiers of Bacchus, as Captaines or Ancient-bearers at least, because we alwaies carry the colour in our noses, by the nicety and curosity of the habit, the length of the cloake, the fashion of the dublet, the compleat shortnesse of the breaches, the correspondency of the points, the fashion of the Oister-moulded bootes, the gingling of the Coach-wheel roweld spurs, by the French troubled stradling of the legges, as far asunder as Lawyers lines, by the swift fanning of the ayre with the lascivious hand, by the wagging and often shaking of the head, like a Barbary Hackney, by the mightines of our credits, which is able to undoe a hundred Citizens in a yeere, by the transparancy of our charity, which is so invisible, that neither the right hand nor the left did ever know it, by the multitude of our good works, which no man living did ever know, or can ever number▪ and lastly by the miser-like penury of our good wordes, and the prodigality of our Oathes. Thus being knowne to be Rattle-heades by these manifold signes and tokens, that this Rattle-heads Court be our generall meeting place.
8. That we have all pictures of Saints, Cherubims, &c. because they are pretty bables to feede our delighted eyes, and fancies, and to keepe off our mindes from hearing the word preacht.
9. That any Rattle-head (being the world's, beloved) may, and shall have authority by Us, the Parliament of Rattle-head, to fight, sweare, damn [...], lye, slash, and kill in any place: whether it [Page]be in Saint George's Fields, at Westminster with drawne swords, at Grocers Hall in a warlike manner, at Kingstone upon Thames, at Yorke with naked swords, crying in the streets, who's for the King? or marching towards Hull in an Hostile manner, or lastly whether it be in taking a purse in the Kings high way, which we must confesse we doe exercise sometimes for recreation's sake, telling the parties so pillaged, that the Parliament have ordered, that all money should be disposed to pious uses, and that the King wants money; therefore it is necessary that their monies should be disposed to the Kings pious uses, &c. or in reading the Cupidinean Lecture to a Yorkshire maid under a hedge, or lastly whether it be a Welch escape from the Taverne, the reckoning being unpaid▪ provided onely, that it be not in an Ale-house, for that tends to the advancement of small-beere-prose, and the introducement of Heresie, therefore the escape is more commendable from a Taverne, being the mother of Popery, &c.
10. That in our prayers we need not pray for salvation, or the forgivenesse of sinnes, but onely for the King, Queene, Prince, State, and especially for Bishops, Universities: without the helpe of the spirit, onely the Lords praier, and any other forme of praier, being used, though we understand not one word thereof.
11. That damnation bee never preacht to Rattle-heads, because it is vanity to tell men of that, which they know already.
12. That instead of Matrimony, if any Cavalier taketh affection to any Citizens wife, he may exercise his talent as the spirit shall enable him without any further circumstance.
13. That in the buriall of the dead, prayer is as needfull, as requisite, therefore it ought to be used, as well as auricular confession.
14. That our Children (I meane our illegitimate ones) bee baptized at eight daies old at the farthest, and their Godfathers and Godmothers shall (like some vapouring Courtiers) make large and ample promises of their regeneration, though they performe nothing.
15. That the booke of Common prayer bee in reverent estimation amongst us, and that we be fill'd so full with the fat of that porrage, that we shall need neither preaching, teaching, or any other instructions whatsoever, but only that.
16. That all things be common amongst us, whether it bee a purse by the high way, a Citizens wife, or an escape from the Taverne, which is common.
17. That we receive the Sacrament kneeling to the Crucifix.
18. That none shall weare short hare, for as soldiers are knowne by their colours, so we are knowne to bee Rattle-heads, by our long haire.
19. That our diet be very sumptuous, and costly: and if our monies be deficient, and our purses cannot reach to such delicious curiosities, that it may be lawfull to run on the Cooks score, till the debt grows Old, and at length till we conjoine them both, and become a Cook-old.
20. That all learning, Order, Discipline, and the Universities be in venerable reputation amongst us, although we doe neither follow, or be instructed by either.
21. That every yeare there shall bee the Rattle-heads Army here celebrated, and if no Antagonist be found to march against us, then we will encounter with Venus, or at least with some of her Meritrician sect: howsoever we will have an Arminian to bee our Captaine, agreeable to our dispositions, and wee are all in an Army, for the Anagram of Arminian is In an Armi.
22. That who soever shall not agree, and condiscend to the due observation of each particular Order by us here establisht, shall be held as Puritans, enemies to the Sate of the Rattle-heads, and worthy to be renounced, suspended, or excommunicated, and never to be readmitted into the society of the malignant party, or God-dammefied Companions.