Tom Tel-Troths come to towne againe with his humors. Vnder which Humour is contained these particulars: Viz.

  • A Rope for a Parat.
  • A Bable for a Foole.
  • A Springe for a Woodcocke.
  • And a Snare for a Fox.

Collected and published to make honest and wise men merry, or fooles and knaves mad.

[printer's or publisher's device]

Printed at London for Th: Lambert neere the Red Crosse in Little Britaine. 1643.

Tom Tel-Troths HVMOVR.

HOw now my masters, what's the matter? what, shall wee have Tom Tel-troathes humour? what kinde of fellow's this Tom Tel-troath, that hee must have his peculiar humour published, (nay more) and this hu­mour of his is propos'd as a patterne for honest men to imitate? 'tis strange, yet as true; for let mee tell you, this booke containes (as in the title 'tis promised) A rope for a Parat, (you may understand me) A bable for a foole, (don't mistake me) A springe for a Woodcocke, (I hope you conceive me) and a Snare for a Fox, (that's a cup of good Ale, as I thinke) this is Tom Tel-troathes humour.

Item, he esteemes a man not altogether for his wealth, but some­thing for his vertue and honesty, for hee is perswaded that a rich man may binde a lye more firmly by his credit, then a poore man by his oath: this is Tom Tel-troathes humour.

Item, he cannot endure a man that will beat his wife, for he thinks that such provocations may induce an honest woman to work revenge without resisting: you know how, my masters, don't you? this is Tom Tel-troathes humour.

Item, hee is of opinion that a Brokers conscience lies in his shop­booke, and that of all extortioners he is the greatest; for your com­mon Vsurers are to bee accounted courteous kinde neighbours, and Common-wealths men, in comparison of Brokers; yet of both, if there [Page 4]bee ever a good one, there is none bad: this is Tom Tel-troaths hu­mour.

Item, he loves to looke before he leape, and to advise before he exe­cute any great designe, because foresight is as good as working, and po­licy oftentimes performes what strength cannot: Probattm est: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, of all kinde of creature; (next unto man) he honnours a wo­man, because she is mans necessary partner, and may at her pleasure elevate his fortune, these things he knowes may bee, but hee is loath to prove it in himselfe: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he hates a Bawd and a Horsecourser, and holds them both alike in their professions, because both sell Jades, onely the difference is in this, the Bawd sels few under fifteene, and the Horscourser all under five: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he is indifferent-whether he have any money or none, but to supply his wants, and pay his debts, otherwise hee thinkes money to be a thing not worthy of such esteeme as it hath now adayes among people, because though we covet it so much, yet in time of necessity a halfe-penny loafe, and a pinte of beere, or water, will stand us in more stead, then tenne millions of gold or silver, which wee can nei­ther eate nor drinke, this is certaine true: and this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, hee wisheth that those pratling ignorant Parats which call indifferently for an Almond and a Rope, because they are a cage of un­cleane birds, whose tongues set people together by the eares, while they cry, Walke knave, walke, both to good and bad, let the last word stand, a rope for Parat, walke knave, walke: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he loves a Souldier with his heart, and hee counts his pro­fession truly honourable, but in this respect hee would live lovingly by his neighbour, but is loath to have need of him, so hee loves and respects a Souldier, but he begges of heaven, that hee may never stand in want of that calling: you understand me Gentlemen, peace is a pre­cious commodity: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he is of that Religion which preferres obedience before sa­crifice, and humility before private opinion or selfe-conceit, and if any thing wants reformation, he thinkes prayer, patience, and longanimity, to be a better, safer, and more pleasing way, then thus to goe so round­ly to worke, expecting great matters to be done in a moment: this is not: Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, hee preferres Antiquity before Novellisme, as age claimes precedency before youth, and although he confesses that Barnes, Sta­bles, Tubs, Chaires, and Baskets were made and used before Churches and Pulpits were built, yet hee holds it fitting that every Tub should stand upon its owne bottome, and that there should bee a distinction betweene divine and prophane places, persons, and things, let all bee done to property, and nothing to slander and obloquy: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, hee deemes it an horrible disgrace for a man to scold in the street, for it is a materiall point of wisedome and humanity to distin­guish a Socrates from a Zantippe, let a hen be knowne by her cackling, and a cocke by his manly crowing, carriage, and valour: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he scornes cowardise, and he as much hates quarrelling: in his owne defence, and a lawfull cause he can fight, yet preferres peace before dissention, remission of faults before severe revenge, and if hee weare any weapon, it is rather to defend himselfe or his friend, then to oftend others: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he cares not much whether there bee any Bishops or no, (as the case stands) if there be any, he would have them to bee as as they ought, painfull Preachers, humble and devour, examples of piety, cha­rity, hospitality, and all Religious acts, no unnecessary intermedler with worldly and temporall businesses, through avaritious desire of gaine) but carefull feeders, not fleecers of the flockes committed to their government: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, hee is no great gamester, unlesse it bee at Put, for a pot, to passe idle time: but hee loathes them who put more into their heads then their legs can well carry, and so turne pastime and honest recrea­tion into painfull prophanation, and a high way to damnation: This is [Page 6]a snare for a Fox, but not Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he loves at all times (according to his ability) whatsoeve [...] himselfe does, to provide necessarie; for his wife and family, this every honest man is bound in conscience to doe, and (if I mistake not this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he holds it requisite in a woman, so he hopes his wife is, to be sober, honest, loving, thrifty and cleanly, for, and to her husband; [...] raylineg scold, no sluttish queane, no drunken for, no carry-tale gossip, no backbiter, no envious slanderer, nor one who rather then he should be conted a Roundhead, will make him a Ramhead, the first qualities are to be lov'd and respected, the last to be loathd and rejected of all: and this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, to become surety, and to enter into bond for another mans debt, to be deluded by faire promises, to engage himselfe so farre for his faigned friend, that you may, count him a sure constant man, and know alwayes where to finde him, I hope you conceive mee, thats a springe for a Woodcocke, but it is not Tom Tel-troths hu­mour.

Item, he conceives but little difference between a Potter and a Car­rier, or Carter, yet some there is, for the Porter patiently understands how things are carried by himselfe, but the other must say Gramary horse for his living; and though the world run on wheeler with him, yet sometimes hee hath enough to doe to keepe the Cart upon the wheeles, therefore the Porter may claime precedency: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he deemes it unfitting that a man should disfigure himselfe by spoyling that which God and Nature hath lent him for an ornament, and that is the haire of the head, which some pole so close, that they seeme rather to be Monkyes then men; no hee sayes that mediecri­ty is to be observed in such a measure, that not onely pride, but also scandall may in some sort bee avoided: this is Tom Tel-troths hu­mour.

Item, as he loves no shorter haire then necessity urgeth, so on the other side he abhorres this abominable custome of Protean Periwigs; which to say plaine, mikes a man in the open street appeare like a [Page 7]Player, acting a part upon [...]e Sta [...]e [...] [...]asualty of sicknesse to deprive him of that naturall ornament, hee'll be contented to wait his leisure who took [...]ow [...]y the first crop, till hee send a second: but a Periwig out upon't, that's a bable for a foole, not fitting for a wise man to use, (don't mistake me) this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, when he sees a man goe into a noted common bawdy house, then he conjecture; (I and that very probably too) that within selfe then an houre after there will be a commotion betweene two malig­nant Plants, (Planet, I might have said, [...]t let the full word stand) which conjunction is likely to produce dangerous and pestifero [...] ef­ [...]ects, among the rest, it will certainly lighten (the pockets he meanes) and great intolerable heat may be judg'd to succeed, with malevolent diseases; what the pox shall we thinke else of this horrible conjuncti­on, when a whore and a knave in that kinde meet together, shine the Sunne nere so cleare, betwixt them there's foule weather: this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he holds it repugnant to reason that truth should hope to bee upheld and propagated by falshood, hee would have every man speake [...] unto his neighbour, [...] familiar with verily and sincerely, should let verity and sincerity b [...]e more conversant with their he rts: hee would have no letters written without subscriptions and supe s ription, lest the intellectuall suspect them of forge y: moreover he remembers an old Proverb, Veritas non quaerit a [...]gul [...]s; this is Tom Tel-troths humour.

Item, he thinke it a great poin [...] of fo [...]ly in any man to thirst after newes, whereof this age is so plentifull, that the mater being so false, the minor (though true) is suspected: and hee can never forget my Lord Deputiet (more knave then) foole, who when a certaine Lord was accus'd of speaking uncertaine words, this fellow got a loafe in one hand, and a Neats tongue in the other, so eating the bread, and holding up the tongue, my Lord askes, What's thy conceit, sirrah? Why Tom (quoth he) thou seest I hold my tongue, and eat my bread quietly: this anigma needs so Oedipus to discover it, tis so easily con­ceived, and this is Tom Tel-troths humour.


THis holding of the tongue puts me in minde
To hold my pen; well Thomas once againe
I councell thee to have thy heart inclin'd
To what thy tongue has promist; else in vaine
Is this thy Humour published i'th street,
Vnless thy heart and tongue in concord meet.

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