THE VVEEPERS: OR, The bed of Snakes broken.

Wit Vitiated, and made a Pander to Wickednesse; Instanced in a Pack of Knaves (calling themselves Servants to the late King) worthy the Anger of the present Age; and the wonder and in­dignation of all Posterity.

Six CUPPING-GLASSES, clapt to the cloven Feet of the six Daemons, who Govern the times by turns from Munday to Saturday Annually.

To wonder at past Prodigies forbeare,
AEgypt and Africa are blended here.
—Dajustum Sanctumque videri,
Noctem peccatis, & fraudibus objice nubem.

By S. S.

LONDON, Printed for Thomas Bucknell, at the Signe of the Golden-Lion in Duck-lane. 1652.

READER,

IF thou askest me what I mean to trouble the World, that is al­ready under such a glut of Books, thou maist easily per­ceive, that I consulted not at all with ad­vantaging my Name, or wooing publick Esteem: For what I now write, I know there was much of naked Truth in it, and might possibly finde a more than common acceptance, aswel for the Rarity, as the Re­ality of the Subject, &c. If any Simplici­an take exceptions, let him turn the Buckle of his Girdle; he that manifests distemper at the perusall of these Sheets, must of ne­cessity be a Knave or Foole, or both: If a­ny man deny me the liberty of speaking [Page]Truth, I will take it I say, I will take it: I am an Independent, I feare not: Some I doubt not so much doat upon a dirty Diur­nall, a Weekly Accompt, or a ridiculous, non-sensicall Mercury, that they will condemne me to no worse Pennance than to bathe in blew Flames, for presuming to bid Defi­ance to so reverend a Rabble— pew —mew — vew — A Degenerate, be­sotted, insaniated, ignorant People, a Mon­ster onely fit to feed on such Raffe and Garbage. I feare the Censure of Vertuous and Judicious Men: But I laugh at, and contemne the rage of these Cumane Asses, Masquers, Mummers, painted Puppets, out-sides Whiflers, walking Pictures, Shadowes, Gulls, Vi­zards, Butter-flies; I owe thee nothing, (Reader) and look for no favour at thy hands.

God buy.

THE WEEPERS.

IS not this Mundus furiosus, a mad World? Is it not manifest that we are fallen into the dregs of time, we live in the [...]ust of the Iron Age, and must accordingly expect to feel the Dotages of a decrepit World? What is become of Truth, Sincerity, Hu­mility, &c. Those Antiqui mores, whither are they gone? Did they attend Astrea in­to heaven, and have left such degenerous Successors, as Crueltie, Pride, Fraud, Envy, Oppression, &c. Such qualities as abundantly justifie the worst of Heathen. When all things are ruffled and confus'd, it is the Devills Holy-Day; and therefore Knaves Work Day. Pausanias tels of a Chappel in A­crocorinth Dedicated to Fraud and Cousenage: those Twin-God­desses may be fit Objects for the worship of Heathen; but 'tis pity they should be so much adored by Christians.

Thou hast here (Reader) a full discovery of such foule Impo­stors, that thou wilt cease to wonder at any Monstrosity or Prodi­gie upon Record: take heed of being blasted, for I present to thy view the Pests of the Age, men that live as if huge Sinnes would merit heaven by an Antiperistasis: We know that a good aime, much lesse a good pretence (such as these Harpies use as a Cloak for their egregious, and most unparallel'd couzenage) cannot ju­stifie [Page 2]a bad Action, and therefore we ought to be as solicitous about the lawfulnesse of the means, as about the goodnesse of the end Those Gentlemen already bitten may possibly rescue themselves from future Circumventions, if they examine the lawfulnesse of every Circumstance leading to the end propounded, before they are tickled and transported with the beautie of their pre­tence.

The World must know, and more especially the English Nation, that Providence tolerating the lines and lineaments of Monarchi­call Government, (here in our Borean Clime) to be blotted out, that that which is new written might be more legible: some pre­tenders to the late Kings service, as of his Bed-chamber, his Wardrobe, his Guard, his Kitchin, &c. have thought fit to make an Improvement of these turbid Intervals; and under pretence of of gathering money for the late Kings distressed Servants in gene­rall, have pocketed up many pounds for their owne private uses; and while those, for whom they seem to obsecrate, languish, invi­roned with all those fatalities incident to indigent men: they feed high, sleep soft, wear rich Apparell, and wallow in all excesse of Riot: It were vain to inform these Latrocinians, that while they abuse others, they forget that self-couzenage, with which in the interim they abuse themselves, God permitting the Devill to re­venge the Imposture. My task is (in order to my obligation) so to paint forth their cursed contrivances, their putrid policies, and fraudulent insinuations, pointing at their persons so punctually that no man, if but Master of one eye, shall fail to distinguish them severally, though mingled amongst thousands of men more honest; that so those Gentlemen, those Citizens or others who have tasted of their traps may be sensible of their abuse, and pro­secute accordingly: These subtle Vipers detected and delivered up to publick, deserved infamie, who committing a Rape upon the body Politick, seem to put out the Lawes, as others upon a like occasion, put out the Lights.

I must confesse that person is very rare, that can boast of such an absolute Saintship whilst he is amongst Mortals, but that now and then there are some Actions will fall from him which con­fesse Humanity, and require Candor, some Leaves in the Vo­lume of the fairest life, that call for a clement censure; there will be common frailties: But cannot fix too rigid a censure on these [Page 3]treacherous Mendicants, who to purchase a flame of Triumph, a frolick for some sew dayes, not onely deprive many distressed Fa­milies of a present reliefe, but render them (by this damn'd de­lusion) incapable of future reflections; such hath been the casi­nesse and credulity of some Gentlemen and others; such the sub­tilty and dissembled Sanctity of these Quacks, that they have met with as great a pronesse in them to be cozen'd, as they brought willingnesse to delude; but I shall damne their design down to the lowest Hell from whence originally it came; and turn their feig­ned Tears into reall Contrition; not that they can be pensive for their pernicious practices, but my meaning is in reference to the blazing of their several basenesses, to the utter ruine of their golden Income; when in stead of Charitable Compensation and Com­passion, they shall meet with Contempt and Castigation. The Prime Ring-Leaders, the Master-Theeves, the Plowers, the main Wheeles upon which this Prodigious Machine moves are in all se­ven. You will think it strange to finde some Pulpit-men in an high degree accessory to this guilt: but doe not we a [...]l know that there hath been no floud of misery that hath happened this dozen years, but did spring from, or at least was much swelled by their Holy-Water: And I rank the Rogues (for they march like Noah's unclean beasts by paires.) Thus,

  • 2 Priests.
  • 2 Citizens.
  • 2 Lawyers.
  • 2 Linsey Wolsey men.
  • 1 Souldier. (Of either grain.)

There's the Summe.

These (like the seven Deadly Sinnes) have their several Exu­berances, some ten or twelve underlings, Auxiliary aides whom these miscreants maintain at a joynt expence these are to them like tooles to the Mechanick, they can doe nothing without them; they are their wings, their wheeles the properties that they act with, who earn their livings quite contrary to divine appointment, viz. by the sweat of their eyes they will command you tears as facilely as Polititians can vary shapes, the Irish or French Mercenaries (hired to bewaile the dead) are meer meacocks to them, they will houle a Requiem able to reverse the doom of Fate, and unite an Inlarged soule to his buried body, a woman interring her seaventh husband cannot blirt briny drops more methodically: these Liquids [Page 4]while their Lords are Courting the Gentleman of the house, who cannot chuse but afford them eare-favour, for they seem Substanti­alists wearing good apparell, and they take speciall care not to fast till they looke like withered Apes sow'd up in parch'd Kid-skins; they are seemingly men of much worth and they want no delu­sive Oratorie, having their set forms of speech which they con Nocturually with as much diligence as players doe their parts; I say while their conducters are in colloquie within, these stand without conspiring in a full and dolorous harmony, raising a loud and and piteous crie (hence they receive their Denomination viz. WEEPERS) some a bemcaning the losse of their deceased ma­ster, the late King, others deplore the starving condition of their wives and children and some not minding any method, send forth deepe groanes and sighs, so that you would think your selfe little better then a Burgesse of Barachrum, were you within ken of their yelping the servants of the house mean time amazed at this melody, indeavour to stint their Earth-din (which they pittie as reall) with what fare the house affords, each contributing a piece of come, by which time the master of the house being sufficiently satisfied with what he hath heard & seen, dismisses (perhaps not without tears) his Honoured guests (having besought them with much earnestnesse not to think five or tenne pounds too triviall a summ) who take a So­lemn farewel with sad countenances, and at the next Towne with­in ten miles (for they are so politick not to Revell in that very place where they receive their Rents (as they have the Impudence to call it) and there they riot like so many younger Brothers.

Tis the boast of the Dutch man, that hee can saile with all winds, these unparalleld cheaters carefully observe the Quarter from whence the fairest Gales of profit blow, and spread the Sailes of deceit to entertain them. Cornwall and these countries that have been most eminent for their loyalty to the late King, are onely curst with their approach, where not a Gentleman of any emi­nency, but hath had notice of them, nor can the Compasse breath more varieties, (I speak it to their praise as glorious Villaines) than their dextrous soules have Changes and Garbes, and sutable Compliances: What the Orator calls his top, and perfection to make happy Application to the severall humours and Genius of all sorts of men, qualifying his addresse with what hee knowes will most charme the person he treats; you may find all his Figures [Page 5]and Tropes digested into their Actions: They have this advantage of the Camelion, that they can assume whitenesse; for you may finde them wearing the Vest of Innocency, to conceale the ugli­nesse and blacknesse of their attempts. These are fellowes that have long since abjur'd their God, Religion, and Conscience, and all that shall interpose and serene them from those beames that may ripen their avaricious aimes. O how finely they can com­pose their Garbs and Gestures; Tis a great matter to tell a lye; with a grace: and when they see opportunity to reveale themselves they doe it gradually and by peece-meale; for that which at one view would appeare horrid, give it by parcels, and it will be dige­sted well enough.

The truth is, they are the most accomplished, the most polish­ed, the nearest and most politick knot of Knaves, that ever were famous for fraudulent Machinations: And indeed how can they be otherwise, having so Venerable a Doctor, and so Clancular a Priest for their Law-givers? These two Raven-Coated Flam­mins, like Mahomet and his Monke, are the cunning Contrivers of this hotch-potch Alchoran, and what is worth your notice, seem very sanctimonious, they will pray with much fervency, but this alwayes in publick; they know well enough that privacy for a Sinne, and cleanly convayance for a Cheat, makes it as white as Innocency it selfe; for they are neare of Kin to that Thiefe, who alwaies before he went about the Worke of his Cal­ling, (for so he called Stealing) went to prayers, That God would blesse and prosper him. So these say Grace to the De­signe be it never so wicked, and give thanks for the Successe be it never so abominable.

Having taken a view of their performances, be pleased now to peruse their Persons.

Enter — Doctor—Chaplain to the late King; and some­times Pastor of a place neare Chertsey, now In-mate with a Widow, neare St Peters Pauls Whatffe, indifferent tall of sta­ture, Motley-headed, his Crown covered with a swarthy Cap, fashioned like a Monks Cowle, of an Adust Aspect, a mincing Gate, and mimmick Gesture.

There's the first.

The next much younger in years, but far older in knavery—

A MEAGRE LEVITE.

WHo will sell God, and all his Saints for sixpence, the ve­ry Picture of Antichrist, once Curate (under one Dont) of Kings-cleere in Hampshire. This fellow taking occasion to Revel with Dorts wife (whom he converted to his owne faith, with many other of his Masters moveables) was therefore (by him) clapt up in Winchester Goal [...], where he lay along time, having his Anckles loaden—This f [...]llow will cheat any man save his Father, (who is not living) and tell Lies as big as Ele­phants; he will knock his breast, attest God, and Invoke Impre­cations upon himselfe; if he does not doe that which he never in­tends he can cog the Die, and make the Word of God speak what he list: if you ask after his Topicks, Ex Officina Carnifi­cium argumentum petit. He is very gracious with a good Wo­man in Snore-ditch, with whom he resides, In ordine ad spiritua­lia. Behold next.

A Brace of broken CITIZENS.

THe one an Apothecary, and (till his Vinal and Venereous tem­per, opened the little Wicket for the five other Deadly Sinnes to enter) House-keeper in St Thomas Apostles; His face is as brown as his soule is black, little of Statute, and something Hair­lipt: His Companion (a fellow that hath surfeited on so many Fun­ctions, that his Intellect is as foule, as an Irish Firkin of Bonny Clabber) may passe for an Exorcist for Complexion, his fellowes often make him their Oracle, and well they may; for the Devill hangs upon his Lips: this face is of the same Metall with his yel­low Trumpet. But to the rest.

Two LAWYERS

COuld you contract five thousand such as these into one Volume, the sordid [...]ulk could not make up Marriots shadow; and you'l say, Hes better at Beefe than Barriers: These two differ in Sta­ture, as much as Hercules did from Jeffery; but what Nature scants the last in talneste and bulk, he more than satisfies in trea­cherie [Page 7]and basenesse: this is he that (pretending to follow her suit gratis) jugled the widow Messenger out of her whole estate: you may finde these pair of Serpents most commonly at their Rutting place, near the Flower-de-luce, in Vinegar Alley: And then followes,

Two DRAPERS.

THe one of the Blanket, the other of the Sheet: Fellowes that having tyr'd Ludgate, and the Kings Bench, are now resolv'd to lay claim to the Pillory; they are neat Forgers, and can shake any man by the hand, though at an hundred miles distance: the one has comb'd away all his haire, (which he supplies with a Pe­riwig, as broad as the Branches of a Beech tree) as the other has forfeited his Dowcets to the Surgeon. You may know him (in order thereto) by his thin Beard and Ashey Aspect.

But now enter the man of Iron.

A MAJOR

IN his Minority. This Gentleman is yet but halfe a Knave, and became an Asassinate rather by a wile than his owne innate wickednesse: he is yet (in reference to this businesse) but a young Sinner; and therefore I shall spare him, and conclude with this

PALINODE

To the WEEPERS.
VVEep now untill you waste into a Dew,
The Nation mournes and bleeds for such as you.
(Super Olympick Knaves,) by you the dead
Embalmed King does once more lose his head.
Widow [...]s sigh out their soules and Orphans crie
For what you waste, in refluent Luxurie:
But we shall give new lustre to your lives,
And purge your putrid soules with Gags and Gyves.

CVPPING-GLASSES, Clapt to the cloven Feet of the six Daemons, who Go­vern the times by turns, from Munday to Saturday, Annually.

MUNDAY. BRITANICVS-DIVRNALL.

THis Well goes with two Buckets, and it were losse of time to tend the pouring out of either. This Novel-Britanicus is but the little Toe on the left foot of that Gigantick Paper-spoiler, who (like the Dragon in the Apocalyps) vomited an Hue and Cry after the late King: This fellow because Hair is no Embleme of Wit, affects baldnesse to admiration. He is never constant to one Habite: and therefore you may (perhaps) not erre in calling him Changeling, Prag, Mock—Prag—tanicus—any thing: The River in Athenaeus is his Embleme, whose upper waters were sweet and grateful, but towards the bottome brackish. But I leave him, con­cluding him witty and a Scholar: but then followes the

DIURNAL.

A Piece of much Antiquity, but had never plagued the Nation with so prolix a Date, if the least grain of Wit had grumbled in its Entrailes; It is the Countrey mans Chronicle, who believes its Narrations to be as Canonicall as the Scriptures; A dull, drossie, dirty piece; it's strange if once in six weeks you find three lines of sense: the fellow that writes it, is no doubt of the humour of the Samseans, in Epiphanius, who were neither Jewes nor Gen­tiles, not Christians, but preserved a commodious correspondency withall: He is very impartial in his Intelligence, which shall ex­cuse him from further Castigation. The next is on Tuesday.

The COMMON-WEALTHS WEEKLY INTELLIGENCE,

THe onely Pamphlet worth countenancing, and yet least read: The Author deserves a more pellucid Imployment; There is worth in him: The occasion of his poverty—which puts me in minde of a story worth your notice, viz. Fortune and Vertue, Wisedome and Folly being their Seconds, upon a time conten­ded for the Supremacy; every man thought that Fortune and Fol­ly would have the worst, and pitied their cases, but it fell out other­wise; Fortune was blind, and cared not where she stroke, nor whom, &c. Folly rash and inconsiderate, esteemed as little what she said or did; Vertue and Wisedome gave place, were hissed out by the Common people. Folly and Fortune admired. And so are all their Followers ever since: Fools and Knaves commonly fare and de­serve best in Worldlings eyes. Would not it congeale any know­ing man to stone, to see a withered face, a diseased cankred com­plexion, a rotten carkasse, a viperous minde, and Epicurean soule, set out with Orient Pearls, Jewels, Persumes, curious elaborate Works, as proud of his Cloathes as a childe of his new Coats; and a goodly person of an Angel-like divine countenance, an hum­ble minde, a meek spirit cloathed in Rags, beg and ready to be starv'd? to see a silly contemptible sloven in Apparrel, ragged in his Coat, polite in his speech, of divine spirit, and wise: Another neat in Cloathes, spruce, full of courtesie, empty of Grace, or wit, talk non-sense, &c. Our Gallants (forsooth) contemne Schollars as Ideots, Fools, and Asses; and as oft are they rejected and deri­ded, because they cannot ride an Horse which every Clown can doe, Carve at Table, Cringe, and make Congies, which every common Swasher can doe: they are laught to scorne, and accoun­ted silly fooles by the Gallants of our times, and to say truth many times they deserve it, A meer Scholar, A meer Asse. But of all professions (in this Age) the Schollar is the worst; Fine times the while. But enough of this, the third in order—on Wednesday is—

DEMOCRITUS.

A Curre passing through a Village: if he clap his Taile between his leggs, and run away, every Whelp will insult over him; but if he brisse up himself, and stand to it, give but a Counter-snarle, [Page 10]and not a Dog dares meddle with him: This foole (who names himselfe Democritus) some weeks since made merrie with Phre­neticus (a Pamphlet I continued that week to pleasure some fine friends of mine) which had been pass'd over as not worth a Re­tort, had not the notorious Cuck—exulted and made his Brags to divers in particular, I could have made my Pity my Pillow, and have slept away a Design: But now Mr Metropolitan I cannot wave you.

The Man in the Moon having throwne him into the Gate-house, his first action after his Infranchisement (by which you may ghesse the constitution of the fellowes soule) was to raile at the present King of Scots, inveigh against the Ashes of the late King, and load the distressed Royal Party with all the odious Epethites possibly to be vented from the venomous jawes of a Mercenary Scribler, but that not answering his expectation, the Kings worst enemies ha­ting the turn coat for his levity,) Mercurius Democritus found Production from his tainted skull: and under that notion pray look upon him in this Glasse;

The very name of Democritus intimates, A Pasquill, or some ri­diculous Treatise. Democritus, (or the laughing Philosopher) was a little wearish old man, a generall Schollar, a great Student, a man of excellent wit, of profound conceit: and is it not an insuf­ferable shame, that this Impostor should broach so many insolent Fictions under the name of so noble a Philosopher. Democritus was an expert Physician, a Politician, an excellent Mathematician; He knew the Natures and differences of all Beasts, Plants, Fishes, Birds, and (as some say) understood the Tunes and voices of them; and to the intent he might the better Contemplate, he put out his eyes, and was voluntary blinde, yet saw more than all Greece beside. If this Quack would make him his example, no man should love him more than my self, I could then be content to be one of those Idle fellowes who read what this Idle fellow writes, that base Illurate Scribler who lards his leane Pamphlets with the fat of o­ther Books; A Rascal that cares not whom he calumniates, and hath the Impudence, though himselfe be a knowne Witt—as well as an unparalel'd Cuc— to asperse men of generous tempers, and who hate nothing more than such Swinish servility. What is his Pamphlet else, save a Rhapsody of Rags gathered together from several Dung-hils, harsh, raw, rude, iale, dull, and dry, Stylus vi­rum [Page 11]argit: whom, if I finde cause (for the future) I shall re­talliate rather Argumento Bacillino quam Aristotlico. I confesse there was never so much cause of laughter as now, never so many Fooles and Mad men: 'tis not one Democritus will serve to laugh in these dayes: We have now need of a Democritus to laugh at a Democritus, one J [...]ster to flout another, one Foole to fleare a­nother; a great Sten [...]orian Democritus, as big as that Rhodian Co­lusses: This fellow has all the smptoms of a Beast: He kicks like an Asse [...] neighes like a Horse, ravens like a Beare, rakes and houles, (he is troubled with that Lupinam insaniam, a Woolfe-madnesse,) like a Worse, and is as impudent as a Dog. Nature has given him O [...]om [...]zes Inchanted egge inoculated in his cheek, perhaps as the badge of his &c. But 'tis time to have done with him; Good-mo [...]row to your Metro-simplesh [...]p, I mean Metropolitanship. Then next, on Thursday,

POLITICUS.

TAcitus, and the rest of the Roman Historians, never intended their Annals as this Gentlemans Aphorism's—I owe much Gratitude here—I wish to live to retalliate his fa­vours—My Liberty was once won by his industry.

Charus erit Verri qui V [...]rrem tempore quo vult
Accusare potest—
Veres even Hugs and Courts him that has power
to controvert his liberty each houre.

And then followes on Friday,

The SCOUT; PERFECT PASSAGES.

SUre the Devill has gain'd that Grub street for his Grand Garri­son; The very aire is infected with those rank, rotten pestilenti­an lies, that each day muster from that Augaean Stable, the S [...]out. Why he that reads that Sheet but [...]a [...]fe, must needs be an entire Fiend, and love Lying better than Lawyers love money. Never so prodigious a Pamphlet — Each Page is a Pest, and each Line a Li [...]ell. But sure we shall not finde it so in these,

PERFECT-PASSAGES.

THis Red-bearded Chronicler hath found so happy a Meta­morphosis, as from an Hebrew Iron-Monger to become a Pari­doxical Divine: You would think (if you heard him preach) that he had his Text from a Gazet, you heard so much of a Curranto. O he's excellent in private, at Parlour-Sermons, and Meeting-Houses; and here commonly he is more Enthusiast than Scriptu­rist. His Auditors beleeve his Dreams to be as Canonicall as the Revelation: Like those Melancton speaks of, Quicquid somniant volunt esse Spiritum Sanctum. But what have I to doe with this Venerable man; Fames Fingers are too foule to touch such holy Rites. He is very sententious, fluent and sublime in his weekly In­telligence; and so I leave him.

POSTSCRIPT.

LIke that Albanian Dog, sometime given to Alexander for a Present, Vindico me ab illis solo contemptu. I shall securely contemne those malicious and scurile Obloquies of Railers and De­tractors. Ile lie still and sleep, and vindicate my felfe by contempt alone; Flecti potest, frangi non potest. 'Twas an extraordinary occasion put me upon this Pamphlet. But now farewell for ever: Thou canst not think worse of me (Reader) than I doe of my selfe; I feare thy Vote, if thou be a competent Judge,

—Et linguas Mancipiorum contemno.

This will serve to put under Pies, to lap Tobacco in, and keep Roast-meat from burning.

VALE.

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