COme who buyes my new merry Books?

I prethee if thy News be so good, let me hear thee read it, peradventure here are some that will buy some of thy News books to carry into the Country with them, and others that lives in the City will buy News to make themselves mer­ry at home, for all the world now adayes desires to hear News, and since we have not seen each other this many a long day, I would have thee in the first place to tell me where thou hast been, how thou hast behaved thy self, and what honourable deeds thou hast done since thou hast been out of England, for I understand thou hast been a Traveller in foreign Countries.

Speak on, and spare not, for I long to hear thee discourse.

When first I took my leave of my na­tive Country Kent, where I was born, I [Page 3] took shipping at Dover, and landed at Calice in France.

Well, speak on.

I travelled through many parts of France, and was made wonderfull wel­come in every place where I came, so long as my mony would hold, and after­wards I took up Arms, and became a Souldier.

Wer't thou a Souldier in France?

There's never a man in all this company can deny it.

How long wast thou a Souldier?

So long as till I had received a push with a Pike, a cut with a Sword, a knock with a Pole axe, and a shot with a Bullet, and then I threw down my Arms, and betook my self to my legs.

How many men didst thou kill, whilst thou wast in the Wars of France.

I kill'd but one man.

VVhat but one man, tell me how thou didst kill that one man?

I did cut off his legs.

O thou fool, thou shouldest have cut off his head.

Why thou silly Asse, his head was cut off before.

But what shift didst thou make to come into England again.

I did as others had done before me, I travelled from one place to ano­ther, I made many excuses, sometimes I got in favour with my Hostices and Land­ladies, sometimes with the Maids, some­times good Fellows would bestow kind­nesse upon me, and so by degrees I came to a place where was a Ship bound for England, in which I happily got into, and in a short time was landed in Cornwall.

What is the best news in Corn­wall, Devon shire, Somerset-shire, Dorset, Wiltshire▪ Bristow, Glocester shire, Worcester­shire, Cicester, Hamp shire, Surry, Sussex, and all the rest of the Countries which thou hast past [...]o [...]ow since thou camest on shore, tell me the truth of all as near as thou canst, and it will be a credit for thee all the days of thy life, for the old Pro­verb [Page 5] runs thus; Tell truth and shame the Devil.

Why then the truth of the mat­ter is this, That in all the parts of Eng­land where I have been, the Country people are much like the Citizens of Lon­don, there is Coverousnesse, Perjury, For­gery, Extortion, Drunkenness, Whore­dom, Blasphemy, Wrathfulness, Pride, Envie, Hatred, and Malice, insomuch that a man can hardly know his friends from his foes.

How do the people stand affect­ed to Religion, or what opinion are they of? if thou canst give me satisfaction, and answer me safely to this question, I shall love thee the better all the days of my life, and it will bee a means to make thy Books sell the better all England over.

As for my part I will tell you nothing but what I have heard, seen, and known by experience, and thus it is; In all places through England the people are of many severall opinions concerning [Page 6] Religion, some says the Old Religion is the best, some holds with the Papist, some with the Protestant, some with the Anabaptist; some are of this opinion, that we shall never see nor have good days in England til such time as the Book of Common Prayer is read in all the Churches and Parishes in England, ac­cording as it was in former times; and others there be that would have all the Churches pulled down.

This cannot chuse indeed but breed a great distraction through every City, Shire, and Country in England, Scotland, Wales, and any other place where such doings is used; are not former friends become new enemies about these matters?

Too true it is, that friends are be­come enemies about this matter, for this makes the business so hainous amongst many that the Father cannot abide his own Children, the Wife cannot agree with her Husband; the Brothers and Si­sters falls to discord, and one Neighbour [Page 7] is ready to pick out another Neighbours eyes, and all about matters of Religion, and sundry opinions; and to bee brief, this makes rich men to despise the poor, and many poor men to fall into despair, and except it be the sooner prevented, it is like to bring the whole Land to destru­ction.

Now Brother Dick I see that thou hast thy wits about thee, and more­over I finde thee to be a man of a good Conscience, for thou hast spoken the truth to the life, but now I would desire thee to leave off thy solid discourse, and to talk of some meriment, which may make thy auditors a little light-hearted.

Then wil I tel thee of a Jest that was done in Old Street near unto London, & this it was; A man that married a wife for lucre of twenty pound, of which hee had ten pound readily in hand, and the other ten pound he was to receive at the birth of his wifes first Childe, but he either for want of skil, or ability, could not get his wife with childe himself, and therefore [Page 8] hired another man, and promised to give him one half of the money if hee would undertake to do the deed for him, which bargain being made he brought the man to his wives Bed, and so she thinking it had been her Husband, there being no light in the room, entertained him very kindly at the first, but when she found by his acti­ons that it was not him that she lookt for, she presently cried out so loud, that although it was twelve a clock at night, that her Neighbours heard her cry, and came running to help her; whereup­on her Husband and the other both depar­ted, and so the room was rid of a couple of knaves.

This was a notable Jest indeed, it is well the good woman saved her ho­nesty, but for her Husbands part I wish him no other punishment but this; That he might have a tired Horse to ride a long journy in dirty weather, with a Whore behind him, and never a penny in his pocket, and to be kept fasting both from meat and drink, till such times that hee [Page 9] have made his honest wife satisfaction for the wrongs he did her. And now I will tell thee of as good a jest as this which was done in Wales.

Prethee speak on, for I have heard no news cut of Wales since the Welch Ambassador left off his merry Note.

There was upon a high craggy Mountain in a Town where no body dwels, two men which sent their wives to Market to buy provision for their fa­milies, but by the way as they were going, one of the women seeing a handsome young man coming to meet them, took an occasion to stay behind, her neighbour being willing to have some secret discourse with the young man, so the one woman being gone before, the young man met with the other; and so having made a hasty bargain, he laid her down in a hay­cock.

Well, but what came after all [Page 10] their businesse, let me know that?

And so having taken her leave lovingly of the young man went apace, and quickly overtook her neighbor, and to make short of my Tale, she bought her self a new pair of shooes with the half crown which she had gotten by the sweat of he But—; at night when they came home to their hus­bands, one with a new pair of shooes, and the other almost bare-foot, wherefore the one man demands of his wife what should be the reason she had not got her a new pair of shooes as well as her neigh­bour; Marry quoth she the other woman lay with a man in a hay cock, and he gave her half a crown, and that was the mony which bought her the new shooes.

VVell, what said her husband to her then?

You Whore quoth he, were not you as wel able to get the mony as she, for this cause wil I never buy thee new shoos again whilst I live, and therewith all fell a beat­ing [Page] his honest wife, as if he would have kill'd her, who falling on her knees cry­ing out, Good husband, hold your hands at this time, and the next time that I go to the Marker, I will get new shooes for you and my self too.

This was such a trick that I ne­ver heard the like in all my life, and it is fit that that man should soundly be pu­nished for his faults with more severity then he that put another man to bed with his wife.

VVell, what punishment wouldst thou alot him if thou mightest rule the roast.

I would have him on a hot Sun shining day to be stript stark naked, to be anointed with Hampshire-hony, & to be tyed to a Post, till such time the Bees had ea­ten up his flesh, and afterwards I would have his bones not to be buryed, but to be thrown into Cuckolds-haven, and that all the Cuckolds both in London and in the Country, might blow their Horns, and make a Holy day for his sake.

Come, who buyes my New Merry Books?