New News from the Old EXECHANG.
THere was once a time in England, when when the Author, of any scurrulous, or scandalous Pamphlet was soundly lasht, for lashing at others; But those Nector years have seemed these many yeares, (as if they did abhor the strangenesse of our proceedings) to become meere strangers unto us; and now too many, (more is the pitty) are become too Lawlesse, O Times! O Manners! this is a strange, yet fatall alteration, when the Common shoare arrogates unto its selfe, dominion, over the more noble Channells, and the Chrystall Rivers are envenom'd, if not totally poyson'd with its stinking noysomenesse; when Vice is deemed a Vertue, and Vertue a Vice: That Quondam Oracle of true Knowledge, (who lived in happier times, the ever famons and eternally renowned Sir Thomas Moore) was often wont to make this, or the like golden expression, That it was highly commendable to be good in a good age, but it was imcomparably admirable to be good in a bad.
How ever then Malice calumniates the Nobler, and Heroike spirits, yet canded Innocency is such gallant Armour [Page 2] of proofe, that the darts of hellish envie, can no way penetrate, but its glorious splendor, (howsoever obscured by calumnie) like the Radiant Sun (obfuscated by some prodigious Cloud) still seemes more amorous to each spectator.
And since this is a truth undenyable, I doubt not them, but in some happy measure, lively to adumbrate many of their Vertues, whom this unmanly Author hath so abusively stigmatized, as guilty of so many notorious (or at least grand humane faylings) as call not onely the persons therein mentioned, but also their noble Issue, (however lawfully begotten) to a strange, and dubious account; and seemes to speake Bastardy to the latter Births, no lesse then to the formers honour; nay, which may most justly amaze each knowing and impartiall Reader, the Author, (as if he were borne to be a Fier-brand on earth, and had devoted himselfe a sworne Servant to that inferior Prince who rules the lower Region, (and never had more power, in this superior Orbe) as if he would swell untill he burst againe, with all infernall, and implacable malice; spits not onely his venome against the living, but which strikes horrour and just amazement into my inward bosome thoughts, speakes fowly of the dead.
Good God! what an unexpected exchange of all things doe we live to see? Time was when an honourable and strict account was made after all Varlots, as cast but the least Odium or Opprobium upon any noble person, and when a due punishment seconded it with a just carreire of Revenge, but now, who is so blind as will not see how times are altered.
But I shall not hint no more on the times, onely from [Page 3] my heart Cordiall wish, that their be a timely amendment ere's amisse, and so I change my Sceane from the new Exchange to the old.
I shall humbly crave leave, being an unfained Lover of true Vertue and Nobility (in some happy measure) to delincate or charanterice out their knowne Vertues, rather then the least to shadow out any of their naturall faylings, of whom I now (God willing) intent to write.
Sure I am, 'tis the golden rule of Charity, charitably to conster all things; and therefore, though the height of my lawfull ambition be not to vindicate all, as deeming that they are all fault lesse, or indeed that any one can be so, for they have all their faylings, being at the best but poore frayle Mortalls; yet my just emulation shall be unfeinedly to adumbrate many of their Vertues, of whom I have hard observed, and am able to speake nothing; and as I shall altogether decline scurrulous expressions on the one part, for I shall totally abandon flatterie on the other.
Now least I should make the Purcludium, like the Gates of Mindas, bigger then the City, (since methode, facillitates, and graces all things) to avoyde prolixety, I shall methodically proceed as followeth.
First, to decypher what the Author of that poysonous Pamphlet entituled, New newes from the New-Exchange, must necessary be.
Secondly, the danger that may accrew to many noble persons, whose reputations are therein called to question, by reason of that ftivolous and scandalous aspersions, of that unknown Author.
Thirdly, I shall endeavour to make an unhappy discovery of the hatitude of his diabollicall malice.
Fourthly, to manifest in part, the gallantry, and noble comportment of many therein mentioned.
Fiftly, and lastly, to declare and manifest the ground and reason that moved the Author to their just Vindication.
These are the chiefe heads to avoid prolixitie.
First, as concerning the Author, I should swerve from truth, and much wrong my owne judgement if I should deeme him a Man, since he plainly manifest himselfe a Beast, by his inhumane actions; no sure, he is some Monster of Nature, or Impe of Hell, which the Devill hath set loose on meere purpose to breed an universall irrecocilable variance in the hearts of the most noble spirits: were he a Man, he could not sure so farre have degenerated from mankind, as contraty to the bounds of Piety, Modesty, and Reason, have cast so unparralled defamation upon so many pious, vertuous, and noble hearts.
Not to leave him yet, who hath long since left all goodnesse, I shall thus characterice him out.
First, asserting him as one who is a sworne profest enemy both to Vertue, Piety, and true Nobility; else he could not with such frontlesse impudency have cast so many grosse aspersions upon so many knowne Lovers, and happy Cherishers of true Vertue, (I shall hereafter inserte a List of their severall names,
Secondly, he is one that by his owne writings, declares himselfe to have monopolized all Ribauldry and Bawdery: Good God, what a strange and unheard of concatenation of spurious Language hath hee compiled together in his New Exchange; the Devill sure was at his elbow when first invented it, for when first I perused it, it made my eyes to water, my hands to snake, my heart to tremble, my senses astonished with a just amazement, and finally, it almost stroake an universall Palsey through my hole microcosme; in a word, me thoughts Hell it selfe could not, be fuller fraught with more diabollicall expressions.
Thirdly, and lastly, (to give the Devill his due) I am confident [Page 5] for his notorious parts, he justly deserves to be made grand Secretary to all the Pimps in Europe, for he is unhappily acquainted with all their clandestine proceedings; and I am verily perswaded, if the Devill himselfe did want one, he would soone prefer him then any other, as being maturely ripe, for his devilships service; to whom ('tis too too much to be feered) hee hath already devoted himselfe. Secondly, as touching the danger that may accrew to many noble persons therein mentioned, no rationall Creature cannot but conclude, that it is superlatively scandalous to lay the least aspersion upon any person of the least knowne integrity, much more them, upon such as are no lesse honourable by descent then by their dayly actions.
The World (God knowes) is too too apt to believe the worst, and a defamation once cast abroad is not so soone called in; bad Newes flyes with swift Wings, and soone reaches the remotest parts.
It is a brave Resolution of the gallant Spaniard, that he will hazard his life to defend and maintaine his Honour, accounting it truely more happy honourable so to doe, then to purchase his livelyhood, to breath out the remainder of his dayes in base sordid disgrace.
I wish our Nobles would speake themselves truely noble in this gallantrey of Resolution, (sure then I am) there would not be so many ignoble Crimes ever and anone perpetrated to the just scandall both of themselves, and their Progenitours; and having thus hinted unto them this Caution, I shall passe to the third Clause to make an unhappy discovery of the Latitude of his Diabolicall Malice.
And now me thinkes I am launching into the deepe, and in the very contemplation of his unsatible vast Malice, even almost stroake into a just and wonderfull amazement, to thinke how universally hee casts the Darts of his poysonous, envenom'd, and all mischievous spleene, that no Age, Sex, nor Degree of Persons can avoid his fury, but [Page 6] in as much as in him lyeth, he would staine them all, and make them altogether famous for their infamie; modesty prohibits me from making the least repetition of his scanda-Ribauldry, which were enough to speake contagion to the chastest hearer; I will therefore decline that, and give you a List of those persons of honour, at whom his implacable Malice hath spit his venome: and so passe to the fourth particular, to manifest in part the gallentry and noble deportment of many therein mentioned; whose Names I shall set downe in order as he hath formerly named them, now the two first are these two, who as he impudently affirmes, have undergone all Offices from a Corporall to a Collonells place.
For in the fore-front of his diabollicall New Exchange, he first mentioneth the Right Honourable the Countesse of Kent, as also the good old Countesse of Exeter, whom he stiles not good, because good and he are sure become great strangers; both them his malice pleaseth to nominate, for these two ought to lead the Vanne of his Designment; next, (to avoid tedious discourse) I shall only mention those of whom I have ever heard a very honourable report of, silincing to speake any thing of them to I am a meere stranger; of whom my Charity shall ever judge the best, and if I be mistaken, sure I am, that I am only guilty of a pious errour.
Next to the two former occurres the Right Honourable the Countesse of Carlisle, Peterborough, Devon-shire, Salisbury, Rutland, then that ever truly honourable Lady, the Marchionesse of Winchester, whose Pietie and Patience in all her sufferings, speakes her second unto none in Vertues and Academy; then the Countesse of Bath, and also that noble Lady Savill, alias Sussex, who is onely envied [Page 7] for her noble and affable Comportment; not long after, the Countesse of Newport, with divers others, of which if I should speake any thing, being I know them not, it might seeme to speake flattery, which I altogether abominate.
Note Reader, that the Persons whom I have formerly mentioned, are undoubtly such as are [...]o lesse Honourable for their resplendent Vertues, then their severall Titles, and to them especially I humbly dedicate these my weake yet willing endeavours; as also, to all others who are cordiall Lovers of true Vertue, which indeed is true Nobility: for their sakes onely, I write this Old Exchange, (which is the fifth clause) for I may well terme Vertue to be of the eldest Familie, since she was of the first discent: God made all things good, and it is onely Satans policy, that hath caused so strange a metamorphoses.
To summe up all in a word, I shall brie [...]ly give you this Golden Character, if to be exemplarily religious, liberall, affable, and of a generous noble comportment, and of a high and gallant Resolution, justly deserve to bee calumniated, then all those whom I have formerly nominated, without the least staine, or derogation to their Honour, may plead high guiltinesse, for they are high guilty of these, and for no other Crimes then such as these are, this unknown base Varlet, by the Devills especiall instigations, (who is the grand Composier of all mischiefe) spits his poysonous venome in all base expressions of Ribauldry, and scurroulous Language against them; but as Fire and Water, Light and Darkenesse, so Vertue and Vice, are incompatible Companions.
Fifthly, as touching the motion that induced me to this their just Vindication, it was no other, (nor could it be any more powerfull) then (in as much as in me lyeth) to vindicate their Honours, whom I ever knew to be true Lovers and continuall Cherishers of Vertue; Witnesse their daily Piety to GOD, and their accustomed and well-knowne [Page 8] Charity to all good Christians, that are droven (through these sad distractions of these deplorable times) into a Lamentable, and most miserable condition.
To conclude by way of Exhortation to all, and a word or two of the Author, I shall desire every noble heart to follow the example of a pious learned, religion, grave old Father, who when he came where all things were out of order, would thus charitably censure of the Owners, Good God one may easily perceive how great care these people take for their Soules, they mind those eternall things so little, and on the contrary if he found them well placed in order, hee would againe say, Good God, see what good people are these, how great a care they take for their soules, that so well order their eternall affaires still charitably judging the best.
Lastly, as touching the prodigious Author of the New-Exchange, not swarving from the former Rule, for he speakt himselfe no otherwise in all his actions, I may truly say as followeth.
Note Reader, that there is a folish nonsensicall, and most ridiculous Phamphlet, lately written by one T. B. Entituled — by way of vindication of so many honourable Personages; if you have your sences about you, pray take heed how you buy it, for having casually read it, I must ingeniously tell you that I found a Chaos of nonsence in it.