NEVVES, True Newes, Laudable Newes, Citie Newes, Court News, Countrey Newes: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Masters, especially now when in the Antipodes these things are come to passe.

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LONDON, Printed for F. Cowles, T. Bates, and T. Banks. MDCXLII.

NEWES, True Newes, Laudable Newes, Citie Newes, Court Newes, Countrey Newes: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Masters, especially now when in the Antipodes these things are come to passe.

THere are many whose braines are bewictht with reading Histories of great Travellers and their discoveries, that wonder at Mandeviles Relation of strange wildernesses full of wonderfull wild beasts, and of Countries where the Geese had heads, and Hens bore more wooll than sheep, which whether they deserve credit or no, is un­knowne to most understandings. But if you would have just and true cause of admiration, looke for it in this Re­lation of a most certaine and reall Countrey called the Antipodes, a Countrey furthest distant, foot to foot against our Region; the poople whereof in outward seature, language and religion, resemble those to whom they are supposite or underneath, as those under Eng­land are like to the English, but in their manners, carriage, and con­dition of life extremely contrarie, for there the people rule the Ma­gistrates, the women over- [...]ule the men, Maids wooe the Batche­lours; and it is most probable, the wives lye uppermost, and at Gossips feasts the men doe all little-tattle duties; and the women instead of lying in, lye out, and let out their f [...]re-roomes, and lye backwards themselves, for their husbands advantage; and their [Page 3] husbands lye abed in their roomes the whole month, while the wo­men, hunt, hawke, and take their pleasures; and generally they carry themselves in life and conversation quite contrary to the Eng­lish fashion.

And first, to describe the manner of the Citie, the Governor there doth nothing but jeere the Delinquent, and is not guided by the Lawes, but his own pleasure to give judgement: the Aldermen there want money and wit, all the Citie Poets are Puritans; the Gentle­men there entreat Sergeants to arrest them, and the Sergeants will by no meanes doe it, if they have a little conniving money given them before they arrest the party. The Maids there correct and command their Ladies and Mistresses, and sometimes lye with their Masters, 'tis allowed. Young men are the Lords of mis-rule, and the old men their fathers are put to Schoole againe, with a peece of bread and butter in their hands, like towne-borne children, whither they goe every day with satchels at their backs, and bottles in their hands. Citizens will give rich wares to Gallants to lye with their wives, and if they receive them, and afterwards doe not performe their wives businesse, ipso facto, the Citizens arrest them and sue them, and recover costs and damages of them for not making them Cuckolds.

Lawyers there think themselves much abused, if you offer them any fees, and unlesse you keep your money, you cannot retaine a Lawyer there. Fether-men and Taylours will trust out their commodities with much cheefulnesse and willingnesse, and afterward Captaines and roaring Blades are faine to have an action of trespasse against the owners of the wares, for troubling them with importunate requests to pay them no money, but take longer day, a very easie request: but yet their Captaines are sometimes beat and kickt downe staires, for offering to pay money.

The Beggars are the most absolute Courtiers in the Antipodes, and againe in a contrary manner the Courtiers are the best Beggars: The Beggars also in the Antipodes will walk abroad to fee Lawyers, but the Lawyers will take no money, and so the Lawyers there prove Beggars, and the Beggars only thrive by going to Law: and as here Gallants follow Lawyers, and the Beggars them, so there the Law­yer is followed by the Beggar, and the Gentleman followes him: and moreover, all the money that the Lawyers receive of Beggars, of whom they only receive money, they send it all up to other Law­yers [Page 4] to stop their mouths, that curse poore Clients that are put upon them in forma pauperis.

Now these Beggars that doe thus get aforehand to follow suits of Law, do receive the greatest benevolence of Vsurers, and who doe you think these Vsurers are there? even younger Brothers, Souldiers, Courtiers, and some grave and pious Church-men; thus there is a fine contrarietie in all things. As for example, a young Boy that hath no hope of beard, will keep an old servant whom hee cals Boy, and abuse him at his pleasure: and you cannot walk the streets, but pre­sently some hand some Gentlewoman will take you up, carry you to the Taverne, wooe you, nay and be ready to doe you, and afterward carry you home to her lodging, and for a nights activitie give you your mornings break-fast with a peece or two of gold, and you will say thats prettie.

Moreover, in the Antipodes Merchants wives doe deale abroad beyond seas, while their husbands cuckold them at home. And cuc­kold-making is held there in great reputation, so that all your old men doe marry Girles, and old women Boyes, as if generation were onely to be maintained by Cuckold-making. Divines are there the greatest wranglers in Law-suits, and you have not there a Gentleman in debt, though Citizens haunt them with cap in hand to take their wares on credit.

Besides, there are in the Antipodes women Foncers, that will ven­ture with losse of bloud to play Prizes, while the men keep Schoole, and teach Needle-work; and the men are as arrant Scolds as the women are here, and are often duckt for scolding. And in the An­tipodes you shall see a sick man give counsell to a Physitian, and a Puritan Trades-man teach a great Traveller how to lye, a Schisma­tick teach a Scrivener how to keep his eares, and an old Vsurer how to keep his bags of money out of a Bush; a Parish Clerk there gives the rudiments of Military Discipline to a Generall: and it is a common thing for a Basket-maker, or a Felt-maker, to confute Bel­larmine in two words, saying; Bellarmine thou lyest. In the Anti­podes every Cooler and Button-maker will get into a Tub, and talk to the people of Divine matters, while Schollers walk up and downe in silence, or else are faine to cry Small coale.

As for Love matters, the women generally wooe the men, stroke them and kisse them, and will tempt them unto wanton dalli­ance, they make the men joynctures, and the husbands give their [Page 5] wives portions, and sometimes the men weare petticots, and the wives weare the breeches; and they thinke it a disgrace to many a maid that has not plaid the feat before hand and lost her maiden-head, which is cal­led in the Antipodes Pye-corner Law. Rich men there marry beggars, and Beggars there ride a woing to old Ladies. They chuse poore honest men to be common Counsell men, and the arrantest drunkards are al­wayes made Constables, that they may the better reele away, comman­ding others to aid them, and young boyes are watchmen, Old stale Cham­bermaids that are like a broken wicker Bottle doe there become Citizens wives, and old widdowes in the Antipodes doe marry younger brothers, onely for the recreation of their old worne bodyes: You may drinke in the Antipodes all day long in a Taverne, and though you pay nothing you shall be very welcome, especially if you have a whore with you, for then you shall be lighted home to your chamber.

And for Traylers, there be them in the Antipodes that make suits on purpose for gentlemen, which they take up, and never pay for then, it is the fashion. The women there usher the men and the men come behind, and carry up their traines, holding their wives Fan in their hands, and when they look back they put off their hats, and stand bare like serving­men. The Prentises here domineere over their Masters, scorning to carry water, or sweep their doores, or be out of the fashion, and while Masters stay at home in their shops, they walke abroad like Free-men, and take their pleasure with their wenches. It is held a very comely sight in the Antipodes to see a man in bad apparrell, and a cloake lin'd with plush shall not be respected so much as a beggar that hath money. Carmen in the City of the Antipodes doe not load their horses, but come whistling after the Cart; and their horses have almost as much understanding as their Masters. The Mercers and Drapers will have their wives sit alwayes in their Sellers, but never in their Shops; and he that proves a Banque­rupt, or most refractory; is made the soonest Warden of their Company. Your Cooks goe there in white sattin doublets, very neat and spruce, and your Barbers are very slovens, and as greasie as any Sculliions. Whores there are in great esteeme, and ride in Chariots, and goe there as demure­ly drest as any Nunnes, and are called holy Sisters. Your gallants there are mighty precise, and will run away from a whore, while a sort of peo­ple called Round-heads are your onely private Gallants for keeping of wenches. Your Merchants in the Antipodes live in great ease and wealth, whiles their wives venture their commodities abroad, and trade in all countries. There is no striving in the Antipodes either to bee Clarks or [Page 6] Churchwardens for those places are alwayes conferr'd upon most unde­serving fellowes: The Clarkes can hardly read, and those Church-war­dens are onely thought worshipfull, that doe cousen the poore, and after sell the bells, and then breake in policy; for breaking in the Antipodes is held one of the best trades, in these times; and to shut up shops in the morning, and compound for a noble in the pound, before night: this is held deep policie, and they can bring Scripture for it too: and to con­clude the City customes, the Hangman in the City of the Antipodes is accounted the chiefe Physitian, because he cures all the vicious humors and knaveries of the Common-wealth, and can make a Deputy of any man.

Now for the Court, the fashions there are also retrograde, and contrary to other countries: there is a very miserable house kept there, so that Ci­tizens comming to Court, and finding not satisfaction according to their owne stomacks, they depart thence very much discontended. In the Court of Antipodes, you shall see water-men, and country fellowes com­plementing together with great ceremony, and conferring of passages of State and Court-newes, whiles the Courtiers play at push-pin, nine-pins, and Pidgeon-holes; and sometimes about trifling matters they goe to­gether by the eares, and the proudest that is doth sometimes get a fall. In the Court of Antipodes you cannot have an office for any money, un­lesse you be of the Arminian garbe; saying, ye shall prey, and pray, yea cringing and bowing to the Altar: but if you are bashfull, and stand be­hind a doore, whistling Fortune my foe, you shall presently bee put in some great place. Great Ladyes doe never come to the Court of An­tipodes, but milke-maids in white wascoats and red petticoats, who know how to complement and speak French, and are carryed about in Coaches, and Sedans by pattent. The Court foole in the Antipodes goes in the habit of a Cardinall or Bishop and will discourse of all serious matters, and pleases the Court with a formall ignorance. The Bishops there bee all honest, preaching Bishops, not studying Court pollicy, but preferring sollid divinitie: there is not one of them suspected to have a Pope in his belly, and an Altar in his chamber: All the Chronicles of the Antipo­des, that ever were heard of, or read in, that ever any Bishops for their goodnesse were committed to safe custody; here a bishop once payd the foole soundly; now the foole laughes in his sleeve, and askes, Who is the foole now? There is nothing but fasting dayes in the Court of An­tipodes, so that all the Courtiers look very leane, and are nothing given to the flesh, but onely of one side. The black guard are here all white men, [Page 7] and are never drunke but on a Coronation day, and at other times they serve for Landresses, while the Landresses shew their skill in scouring the Court spits, and dripping pans. If you are a stranger, the Courtiers will carry you in to dinner, although you have no friend at Court but of all things they cannot endure Citizens wives in the Court of Antipo­des. Foot-men and horse-keepers doe there hare whores extreamely, so that before they will lye with a whore, they will rather lye in the stable amongst their horses Now the King of this Countrey of Antipodes is a Prince so full of vertue, that he is beloved and admired of most of his subjects; he is a patterne to his servants, and an example to all Princes whatsoever: for he alwayes keeps himselfe in an excellent temper, and no one vanity raignes in him: and whereas before hee was attended with large multitudes, he now desires no company; if any one offend him, hee is so patient and gracious that he will not offend any of his Subjects, but whereas he should pardon them, he desires they should need no pardon; he goes and meanes as plaine as any common man, and takes his pro­gresse alwayes in the winter: evill people dare not come neare him; or if they doe, he gives them no countenance: and when in his travailes he sees great company of people gathered together, he cryes God blesse my loving subjects, before they can say, God save the King. In Antipo­des the King seldome hunts, but the people hunt all sort of beasts, but e­specially the Foxe: Any of his subjects dare doe more than he doth and not be questioned neither.

The King of Antipodes hath no players, but every one of his subjects straines to act a part that may please him: Some play Citizens, some countrey men, some courtiers, and some souldiers, but all in conclusion give the King great content. Hee never uses any guard about him, but a certaine company of young men, who are called the guard of love, and when he rides abroad, these stay at home, and other guards meet him by the way.

And as for beggars they will presume in the Antipodes to come into the Kings presence, while Gentlemen are thrust out, untill the King doth entreat his Courtiers and subjects to bee obedient. In the Antipo­des the King is the poorest, and cares no more for pride and ambitious honour, than if he were no King, and lives under no vanity, and guilty of no crime, there being more pride a great deale in his common subjects, both in their owne and wives apparrell.

Religion that was heretofore contrary unto true Divinity, shall bee now Regulated and an ended, and made conformable to Divine. Scrip­tures; [Page 6] [...] [Page 7] [...] [Page 8] and whereas before vice, and folly, and bribery bore sway through many Arbitrary Courts of the whole Antipodes, it shall be so no more; but godlinesse shall be planted in every corner thereof: so that this con­fused Countrey of Antipodes where Bishops were, and where Di­vines were Vsurers, Gentlemen were Beggars, Prentises were Masters, Knaves got Offices, women, madmen, Magistrates did injustice, and the common people and Brewers Clarks would needs be Priests, and main­taine that there is not one honest man now living there, that was made a Minister by a Bishop which is surviving, and so all things were carried in a contrary manner to law, equity, and reason.

Now the King of the Antipodes hath given Order, that this Countrey shall in all poynts be reduced to the forme and fashion of this upper Eng­land: So that now one Serjeant shall affright halfe a dozen Gentlemen, as they doe here in England; men shall rule their wives if they can, as they doe here; beggars shall not goe to Law, nor poore men taken into an Hospitall and be turned out before they be well, that Lawyers shall make a thousand beggars, as they doe here in England; and in like manner gentlemen shall not runne from whores, but run to them as for­merly; so that this Country (not so before) in fashions and manners shall now be made by Reformation as like as may be to old England; that so there may be soundnesse of Doctrine, and integrity of manners in the Clergie, the pure profession of the Protestant Religion in the common people, valour, vertue, and magnanimity in the Gentry, Iustice and up­rightnesse of dealing in the Magistracy; unity and conformity in opinion, and matters of Religion, that so the Antipodes may flourish, and be hap­py as England is, under the most pious and gracious Reigne of our Sove­raigne Lord and King.

FINIS.

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