NEWS FROM THE LOWE-COUNTREYS.

OR, Podex his Encomium.

HELD OUT For publick Information.

BY MERCVRIVS LEPIDVS.

Nulla cruenta canunt, caveas at, candide Lector, Carmina ni madidas dent tibi nostra genas.

LONDON: Printed for W:N. 1652.

M. L. TO THE READER.

SEnts are in Things, not Words. A Rose, or Pinck
Hath no sweet smell; nor hath a — a stink
In the bare Name: lesse, when the name doth lurk,
Wrapt in clean Linen, and lets Fancie work.
It will not, then, I hope, offend thy Nose,
I praise Him, here, that breathes within thy Hose.

PODEX HIS ENCOMIUM.

OF Microcosme his chiefest Base
Don Podex hight, and of his Race,
His Honour, Qualities, and Parts,
And of his many Slights and Arts,
I mean to sing. Great A-jax, Thou
That know'st his Matter, Mould, and how
His Humour flows, inspire my Quill,
That, to this Age, it may distill,
Of its long clowded Excellence,
A Lick, to season ev'ry sence.
When, first, the first confused Masse
Did, from its mish-mash medly, passe
To those foure segregated forms,
Whose re-commixture now informs
And, Being, gives to whatsoere
Subsists in this Terrestriall Sphear.
And that the Arch-Thees's stollen Fire
Did, first, the Thing, call'd Man, inspire,
Podex then breath'd. His shape most rare,
For tis not ovall, long, or square,
Trigonall, or Pentagonall,
Or any of the Gones at all,
But pure Orbicular: And so
As an Ecliptick Line doth go,
To the Autartick Pole, and frames
Two semi Rotunds; But Oakes names
Them Ho-rise-on-tailes. Wondrous fair
Is his Complexion, for the Air
Doth seldome nip it, or the Sun
Give it a kisse, to make it dun.
His Dresse is of as many kindes,
As there are Nations, Modes, and Mindes,
Sometimes, forsooth, the Spanish Hose
Doth trick him up, and there He goes;
The French Trunck sometimes doth him house
The Dutch Slopp, and the Irish Trouse,
(That best his just proportion showes)
The Scottish Brackin, (O my Toes!)
The German, Dane, the Swisser-cut,
And thousands more, together put,
In rank and file, of no mean worth,
Do all contend to set him forth.
But above all, (and somewhat more)
The Shees, from ten, to twice two score,
And upwards yet, most cast about
How they may make him fllaunt it out:
And take it in a high disdain,
He should walk forth without a Train;
Which close still at his heels must wait,
For his more Glory, Pomp, and State.
Now though indeed, he hath resort
In ev'ry Place, (for Camp, and Court,
The Countrey, City knows him well)
Yet he is chiefly pleas'd to dwell
In the Low-Countries, mong the Crew
of Fat-chops, of the purest hue.
This Podex is in fame, so great
All Callings grace him with a Seat,
What Syn'drim, Synod, Senat, State
Without him ere in Councell sate?
What Courts of Conscience, Criminall,
Pleas Common, Chequer, Admirall
Do sentence give on That, or This,
But Podex an Assessor is?
What Conclave can, or Caball be,
What Conventicle, Committee
Doth hold, or meet, but Podex, there,
Before all others, takes the Chaire?
What publick show, what Masque, or Play,
Ball, Banquet, Feast, Wake, Games of May;
Are solemnis'd, for sport, or grace,
But Podex still is first in place?
Yet though we thus, of Podex speak,
Mistake him not, or think him weak
In Spirit, as if only made
For Pastimes; or that duller trade
Cal'd Contemplation, that presents
Language for Launces; Tubs for Tents.
No, No; The highest Feats of Armes,
The hottest Conflicts, and Alarmes
Of thundring Mars, Bellona fierce
Are not without him. To rehearse
His active Fortitude, would spend
Quills to the stumps, and yet not end.
What private challenge, Duell, Fray,
Doth passe without him? What Array
Of Warre; what March by Day or Night,
What Skermish, Battell, Onflat, Fight
By Sea, or Land; What Citty storm'd;
What Fort befieged; What Deed perform'd
Of noted Fame, in Trenches, Grafts,
At Breaches, Turnepicks, Bridges, Rafts,
Mines, Sconces, Passes, any where,
But gallant Podex still is there?
What Plot, Design of any size,
What Stratagem, or Enterprise,
Whether in Parties, or alone,
But daring Podex still is one?
What need more on this Point to tarry?
Podez is an Ubiquitarry.
Yet further to enlarge his Praise
(Which well deserves, and wears the Bayse)
Know, Podex is of such high sway
That Kings, when he Commands, obey:
Princes, Lords, Ladies must do so,
And, where he bids, not send, but go
Themselves in Person, and no boot
For them to scorn to trudge a foot.
Coach, Horse, Sedan, and of that kind,
All other Knacks must stay behind.
Podex is mighty, stout, and strong
To baffle All, would do him wrong.
Podex is in so high request,
That each one strives to please him best.
Is Podex out of tune, pray tell,
Who spares for Cost, to make him Well?
Is Podex foul, what Dame so nice,
Will scorn to wipe him once, or twice?
Whom Podex once but takes to favour
Podex, in losse, makes him a Savour.
Podex, with ev'ry Sex, and Sort
Of People, hath a lowd Report.
Podex is of an humble Mind,
Steps not before, but comes behind,
Podex yet standeth bare to None
But to strong-sented Ajax's throne.
Should I of all his Places speak,
Pen, Inck, and Paper were to weak.
What House of Office in the Land,
But Podex, therein, hath Command?
Podex, a Statist, much of Note,
Doth in all Privy-Councells Vote.
Podez a Judg is, that decrees,
Without respects, or bribes, or fees,
A Habeas Corpus, on a pain
None ere incur'd without a Stain.
Podex is Doctor of the Chair,
And where he speaks hold your Tongue there.
Podex a Lawyer is, your Case
Can clear at any Time and Place.
And when occasion rightly needs
In Fee-tail best can draw your Deeds.
Podex's-a Herald, Aeolus,
By him, Proclaims his Hests to us,
From his Culabrian snowy Cliff,
A Zone more hot then Teneriff.
Podex is a Phisitian, much
Cures Collicks, Belly-Ach, and such.
Podex a Souldier is, doth keep
His Watch and Rounds whilst you do sleep.
Podex's a Sergeant, whose Arrest
Admits no Bayle, To go is best.
But by the way, ere I proced
With Podex further, let his Seed,
His Brood, his Off-spring, Issue, be
Made known to You. Yet (let me see)
It is so numerous, so great,
So strange, so divers to repeat,
That should I go this task about
I ne'r should find a clean way out.
Take Notice only, for his grace,
That that which takes the chiefest place,
As most in power, strength, and Sense,
A Knight is, cal'd, Sir Reverence.
Come to his Parts. Can any dance
The Spanish Pavin, tricks of France,
The Scottish Jigg, the Irish Trot,
And thousands more: And Podex not?
Can any fence, or vault, or ride,
But Podex, there, is in his Pride?
Podex a Linguist is, affects
To speak in sundry Dialects.
Podex is vers'd, in Grammar, Well,
His ev'ry Part of Speech can tell:
Knows all his Rules, among the rest,
Ease in praesenti, likes him best.
And Priscian (be it no disgrace)
Dares hardly lok him in the face.
Podex in Ret'rick hath a Vein
Oft utt'ring in a fluent strain.
His Elocutions Excellence
The object is of ev'ry Sense.
You may there, taste, touch, smell, see, hear:
The Scholemen but affect the Ear.
Podex, in Logick, is profound,
His Syllogismes are strong, and sound.
Festino a main Figure is
He loves, and sometimes
Disamis
Does-amisse.
His force doth in Bocardo lye;
And bears all out with,
Datist.
That—is—I.
Musick doth Podex so delight,
He sings by Day, he sings by Night;
He sings with All, in ev'ry Place,
All kind of Parts; His chief is Base.
Knows Thirds, Fifths, Eights, Rests, Mood and Time:
His Gam-ut can descend and climb.
If to Arithmetick you come,
Podex can cast, can clear a summe.
Adde, Multiply, Substract, Divide;
Work still to the Sinister side.
The Rules of Fellowship, of Three,
And more to him familiar be.
Podex is for Geometry,
Showes Area, shows Periphery.
Shows Circle, Center, Parallels;
Showes the Diameter, (that tells
How to split justly Rounds in Two:)
And showes you more the I will do.
Talk of Astronomie, and there
Podex excells; Displayes the Sphere,
Its Motions, Constellations, Range,
Eclipses, Changes: Shows (O strange!)
The Smooth-fac'd Twins, the milky way,
The Pole, the Line, and such as they.
hall not then Podex for his parts
Be stiled Master in the Arts?
Nay rather make their number even,
By adding Podex to the Seven.
Podex is Liberall, and may
Better be called, Arse, then They.
Something of Podex yet I find,
Of no small Moment, left behind,
His Slights and Arts. But who should tell,
All, would a Volumne vastly Swell.
True Symmetrie, 'tis truly Sed,
Will, by the Foot, describe the Head.
It shall suffice, that, by a Spole,
A Sense acute may sent the Hole.
Podex an Archer is, of Those
That aim at Heel, and hit the Nose.
Podox is a Perfumer, vents
Strong, and of sundry sorts of Sents.
Podex a Painter is, can lay
Colours, as well By Night as Day.
Podex is a rare Pilot, knows
Whence the Wind comes, and where it blows.
Is for all weathers, sometimes sayles
With gentle, sometimes blust'ring Gales.
His steddy Course doth seldome stoop,
For he hath still the Wind in Poop.
Podex's a Husbandman, can soyl
His Ground with ease when others toyl.
Podex a Tucker is, and knows
A speedy way to thicken Cloathes.
Podex's a Chandler, and you may
Fetch much-Turd there, fresh ev'ry Day.
Podex a Trumpeter is too,
And blows as strong as you can do.
Podex is, — Nay I fain would know,
What Podex is not? Which to show
But in the Negative, would more
Puzle the Brain, then what, before,
Of him is said. In this, conclude,
That High, and Low, the fil'd, the rude,
The rich, the poor, the foul, the faire,
The-All the World, his Vassals are.
Who dares withstand his force and might
If once he sayes, You must go—Walk?
Podex then only doth surmount,
Podex is sole Lord Paramount.
Podex still mones within his Sphere;
Podex is Podex ev'ry where.
Podex shall breathe in spite of Fate,
While Tails do croake, and Tongues do prate.
FINIS.

PODEX His Vindication.

IF carping Momes shall flurt in Podex's face
A Flout, to blur his Matter with Disgrace:
Podex, with a full Breath, reflurts it back
Into their Teeth, that so much wit do lack.
Sence queinter Pens have not disdain'd the grain
Of stuffs as course as this: And, to this strain,
The Prince of modern English Poets hath,
In his, term'd, Famous Voyage, trac'd a Path.

M. L. His Salutiferous Advice to the Feminine Gender.

VVHen Podex stout shall cease to speak.
Then, not before, your Hearts will break.
Take therefore care (you Simp'ring Ones)
He still may breathe long-winded Tones.
No Musick, were it of the Spheres,
Can, with like Raptures, charme your Ears.
No Eastern Sweets, or Fragrant Rose
Can more affect, and catch your Nose.
These only please th' Externall Sense:
Those have intrinsick Excellence.
They oft let loose, where you are bound:
And, if distemper'd, make you sound.
Podex, your Minion, charg'd, will give
True strong Reports, That still you live.
Which if some chance to take in snuff,
Cry, Cladius, and it is enough.
FINIS.

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