OH! for a leg, an arm, or a limb of that Devil incarnate, the woman-hater, and Enemy to multiplication, the Author of the Wandering whore. Come Sirrah, look to your hits, I have a whole bundle of rods in piss for thee, quod desertur non aufer­tur, thy punishment's onely deferr'd for a while, thou shalt have thy swing, and thou knowst what followes after; for I know thou'lt run thy self out of breath shortly: All thy Pumpings, Inventions, Romances, Stories of the Strummulo, the Merkin, Spunges of se­veral sorts, Scotch-spur, Padlocks, with the List of Crafty bauds, Common whores, Wanderers, Pimps and Trappanners, shall not prevent it; Thou didst first be­gin with private whores, Cuckolds, and Cuckold-makers under the notion and name of Mercurius Philalethes, but that Element was too hot to hold, come this will be out of the frying pan into the fire; thou knowst Mrs. B— in C— would have given ten pounds for thy dis­covery and apprehension, Mrs. S— will spend fifty pounds to vindicate her cause, & make thee exemplary, and yet thou darst enter the List against a thousand; beware their Clutches, lest they souce thee in Thetis poudering tub to make meat for Sharks and Shad­docks, or fright thee like poor Lazari [...]o, by shaving thee, tossing thee in a blanket naked, and turning the out of [Page 4] thy seven senses, whilst they cry Hey for the brave wo­men-barbers in Drury-lane, they'l spoyl thy occupa­tion for inveighing against their's, off goes thy stones as sure as a gun or a club to make Billjard balls on, and thy yard their Billjard-stick to play at their Portalls, then say thy Pater-noster, speak with all thy friends, for they'r resolv'd (if they catch thee once) to see whether there be any worms in thy brains; and if so, to wash them out, and put thy brains in again, and if that wont serve thy turn, half an hour's exercise of their preparation will be worse then the pox or purgatory; Come Bits and Bacon, thou knowst how Thom.E.—was used for thy sake in Holborn, kickt up and down like a football, and forc't to fly for fear of leaving of his brans behinde him, or amongst them: was not Dick L—arrested (and forc't to pawn his shirt and his cloak to pay his fees) by Merrick? And was not another arrested by Farmer the Poulterer in Newgate-market upon supposition of being the Author of the Wandring whore? 'tis true his innocency cleered him to the dammage of Su. Lemings pitiful Poulterer, who feasted him and his friends car­cases by way of Composition with a Capon, Teals, Goose, Wine, &c. to the value of forty shillings, and upwards, making him pay for his mistake and ignorance: Thou Desperado, if Glover, Player, or Thom-Stern light on thee hansomly, say well fair a light pair of heels, they'l try whether thou art a kin to an Irish man or no, and teach thee Hey then up go we, up tayls all, the Pit­chers gone to'th wall. But hear [...] you sirrah, is whore a common name to all women, which is so common with thee? thou say'st foul Devil, thou hast a List of fifteen hundred Caterpillars and poysonous vermine [Page 5]which want destroying, beware lest a lesser number don't devour thee, or burn thee in some Capacious C— or other, or quarter thee in pieces amongst them, sen­ding thy bones and flesh amongst the Crew, in order to the burning thereof, with as much Ceremony as Pe­ter Aretine for inventing the six and thirty several ways and postures of occupying, or for being an Heretick; But Sirrah would not a whore be a necessary evil (as is usually said of all women kind) if thou hadst not the gift of continence? prithee what cause or provision is most necessary, most lawful, least offensive, and least charges? ought we not amongst all evils to chuse the least? When then, sirrah, is not using a handsom Girl wholsome, pleasurable, and tollerable? For since the number of females do far exceed that of males, doubtless they would have a little of that same as well as the rest of their fellow Creatures, who are all flesh and blood, and questionless were not brought into the world with such instruments for no purpose or pro­fit: so that I conceive (in behalf of Ladies and Ma­dams in our order) it less criminal for a man to go and lie with a wench (I will not say with another mans wife) then to lie with his wife when she is big with Childe, or during her lying in Childe-bed, in this Case what course or remedy shall a man take and use, who has not this Gift of Continence, and may neither lie with his own wife, nor his neighbors wife, nor his mayd, his nurse, nor with a whore? questionless there is a lawful provision made in this Case of Extremity, which I judge, conceive and conclude to be in Polygamy, that is, in having plurality, several, or many wives at one and the same time together, as the best Expedient for gene­ration [Page 6]and Continency, and strictest way to have few or no whores at all, as it is at this day amongst the Turks, where one man may have as many wives as he pleases, so he can maintain them and their children, or if they do maintain their husbands. Put the Case an Heyr of a vast and yeerly revenue, to whose issue this Estate is entayld, should marry, or be compell'd for lucre of mony to bed with a person he loves not, or one that proves barren, this weathly person is desirous of Children to whom he would leave his Estate, or else he looses it, leaving to it strangers which never got it, would not this mans marriage to a fruitful vvife be matter of much rejoycing to him, and to every honest and chast vvife, if it vvere their condition, to see the fruits of their labours? a President vvhereof I remem­ber to be verified of an East-India Merchant (of some­what a different quality) who was exceeding desirous to have his wife got with childe, a thing he could not per­form himself,) giving her free leave so to do during his absence, provided it were done with a Gentleman; not long after a Knights son coming to her house, brought a bill of Exchange for a considerable sum of moneys, which accordingly was accepted, and the day of pay­ment appointed; the pleasant Gentlewomen made very much of him, and agreed that the same day he received his mony, he should lie with her all night till the morrow; which was accordingly done, she got with childe of a boy, and in ten months following born, and put forth to nurse at Bednal Green, (where wanted no Expences or attendance) without suspicion or jealousy of the father, in regard of the suddain dispatch thereof after her husband departure, not long after her husband [Page 7]arriv'd at home safely, who seeing no appearance of his last scuffle with his wife, lamented the want of issue, chyding her for not making use of that freedom he had allowed her during his absence, which caused her to ad­mire his humor, and relate her fore-passed action, saying there was a brave boy begot by a brave fellow, a Knights son, and put out to nurse in such a place, and of such an age; the newes whereof made him impatient of seeing him, which he did the day following early; where after plentiful gifts to the nurse, hugging, kis­sing and embracing of the childe, he told her he came to fetch away the childe, to which she said, it could not be dispens'd with, without the knowledge of the person who delivered him to her, and paid for his keeping, on which he went away discontented to the Knights son, telling him he would spend 300 l. but he would have him; the other answered he vvould spend 500 l. but he vvould keep him, so that incontinently a Sute vvas com­menced, at vast charges on both sides, ere the verdict came to be given up, vvhich vvas likely to go against the Merchant; of vvhom one Noy the Prothonotory said, demanding his fee, he vvould turn the scales, vvhich accordingly fell out, and speaking to the Judge and the Bench, desired the favor to speak one or tvvo vvords more to the matter, vvhich in regard of the variety of pleadings, and multiplicity of Lavvyers there present, vvas thought superfluous, and needless, yet granted by the Judge, to vvhom he spake, My Lord, put the case that your Honor and I have each of us a piece of ground adjoyning to each other, and nothing but a fence or a ditch betvvixt them, you keep a bull in one part, and I keep Covves on the other, your bull break [Page 8]in amongst my Cowes, and gets them with Calves, does not these calves belong to the owner of the Cowes? whereupon the verdict was given on the Merchants side: who brought him up to the University, and dying left his whole Estate to him, the Knights son continu'd unmarried to his dying day, (having known her but that once) left his whole Estate likewise to him: here's a rich President for all barren women, all women big with Childe, and all old women to follow, instead of being jealous of their husbands, 'tis an excellent way to creace love instead of hatred amongst them, if they had but a right understanding of each other, to let their husbands with free consent take another wife by whom he may have children; for what were it for the Elder to be nurse to the yonger wife, to have the favor and smiles of her husband, especially where there is dis­parity of yeers, of dissimilitude in conditions; I question whether the sowing such precious seed in a barren soyl is answerable, fitting, or different from sowing it a­mongst whores, and if so, the marriage of another pre­vents it, proving fruitful, and the perusal of Ochinu [...] Dialogues of Polygamy and Divorce, will convince any rational soul of the truth hereof, published and printed for J—G—once living in Cornhil. And now have at the new fashion'd Dialogues written sometimes by a Con­vert, sometimes by a Conversant, and another time by Eubulus, and next time by I cannot tell whom or what, and yet all one and the same hand again: I tell thee these poor Creatures term'd whores will serve to sup­ply a mans wants better then marrying a wench, having nothing to show for't but two pair of legs in one pair of sheets, with a windmil and watermil, from whence [Page 9]comes no grist vendible: again, a wife a man cannot put off as one may a whore with eighteen pence or a couple of boards without any disturbance or greater prejudice, if he scape pockyfying: again, if a man in such a Case meddle with a maid, he must be forc'd either to marry her or maintain her and her childe, which is not so with a whore, who seldom receives any wages after her work is over, but before hand, and that so frequent­ly that they seldom prove with Childe, as Peg Cross the short A—Wanderer is, as thou termst her, thou pre­tendest to be their profess't enemy both in Principles and Practises, whence comes such frigidity, and cold­ness, art thou not one of the Decayed Occupiers thou talk'st of [...] 'tis likely so, or else hast lost thy Evidence, or been serv'd as they do Eunuchs in other Countryes, where their stones are cut out, who would otherwise prove the stoutest stallions, as an approved and experi­enc'd Doctor observ'd of one amongst them who would lie tickling and towzing of his Mistriss with his standing T—for three or four hours, nay all night sometimes to­gether, without tyring, but with no Ejection, it being impossible: but I believe thou wouldst have them go to't with Carrets and Parsnips, as the milk-maids did with one another till they let them slip over head and ears, for want of tying a string about them irrecovera­bly, and the spoyling of a good commodity, or moul for casting boyes and girles in: what would have be­come of that late and yong lady, in such a case, of whom I shall relate a pleasing story, from whom sprung several curious branches, whose father was, and is a person of great wealth and riches, yet covetous, and willing to rid his hands of her, at as easy a rate as he could to ano­ther [Page 10]of a vast Estate likewise, but could not bring his designs to perfection upon him, for upon the tender of a thousand pounds, he would not seem to accept her without the addition of five hundred more, whereupon without the privity of his Father, Mother, or any other, but himself, his Mistriss, and the Steward, this plot was contrived and executed, vvhich vvas to marry her, get her vvith childe, come novv and then to her in privacy, leaving her vvith her Parents, till the jest broke forth, vvhich in fevv months follovving did so, vvhose mother descrying the rising of her belly, questioned her daugh­ter about the premises, to vvhom she ansvvered, that such a person, not guilty thereof, had done it; vvhich exceedingly troubled her, vvhich caused her to reveal it to her husband, vvho resented it vvith much more horror, for the dishonor vvould fall upon him, and his vvhole family: in this tryal his vvits vvere put to't, con­cealing it from all others, till his stevvard vvho vvas deep in the plot, gave him an inckling thereof, of vvhom he ask't councel, vvho ansvvered him, there vvas no vvay under heaven but to marry her to her former suitor, vvhich he vvell liked of, and accordingly he and his stevvard rode to visit him, vvhere they vvere ex­ceeding vvelcom, insomuch that the old man invites him by way of retribution and retaliation to his house, which he forthwith accepted: riding together the mat­ter was started, and renewed betwixt him and his daughter, which the old man gladly received, telling him he should have the 1500 l. but he would have writings drawn betwixt each other, before the sight of his daughter; which being completed, the daughter was sent for, who appeared big-bellyed, whereat with a [Page 11]counterfeit amazedness, he said, How now Peg; what have you done? and to the father, I'le have none of your daughter, to which the old man replyed, taking him by the sleeve, Son, son, a bargain's a bargain: I tell you Sir, quoth the Gentleman, except you double the portion for the dishonor done me, I will not have your daughter. Come, come Sir, I tell yee a bargain's a bar­gain, to avoid all trouble you shall have your portion doubled, which was accordingly performed ere the plot was discovered. Now face about to the right, I'le charge thee agen and agen, for I have but been skirmishing and bickering all this while, have at thee, with thunder and lightning, I'le come Pell-mell upon thee: Is thy name Eubulus with a horse-pox to thee, thou thinkst to put the cramp in my mouth with a hard word, I warrant thee, but I'le anatomize thy meaning, 'tis a good Councellor by the figure Ironia e contrario, let thee alone in thy roguery, and thou'lt teach us all the plain way to occupying: for all thy pretended sanctity, doubtless thou art a yong saint, but an old de­vil from experience, and the Devil is seemingly the best Doctor: Will thy councel gain the Elysian fields, satisfy Charon the ferry-man of Hell, or lead the safe way to Bliss? I have taught thee in my method to Rosy-Crucian Physick, borrow'd of that learned and ingenious Writer Mr. Ashmole: no, there's no such thing in na­ture, I would have said, rerum natura, but for frighting my Ladies, and puzzling thy empty pate, thou thinkst all thy pack-thread intelligence must all pass for veri­ties, but I that am Eugenius Theodidactus of my own creating, and Secretary to Naturals, say, Cujus contra­rium verum est, construe me that if thou canst Enbulus; [Page 12]for I'le have thee to know, I understand Hebrew, Ara­bick and Syriack as much as the Grand Sultan does Welch and English Well, but thy name and thy na­ture are not all one, sirrah, I'de have thee to know I am a learned Asinus, ex quovis ligno uon fit mercurius; the Devils in thee for understanding, if thou knowst that too: for I believe thou wert never at the Uni A­fity of Padua, where I acted the part of Ignoramus in­stead of Commencing, yet I'le give my de [...]nition ac­cording to my degrees of Eubulus; Eubulus when I acted Acolastes the prodigal, was my good Councellor against wenching; Eubulus, was my right-hand-Coun­cellor against High-way-men, Pick-pockets, and Parasites. Eubulus was always against shaking of El­bows, Tables, Cards, and Gamings, and other chea­ting (as that of Sir—Moreland, of 40 pieces of gold in a dream,) and making the world believe my brains lay in a Long-lane Plush-jacket, a Green-bag, a re­verend-staff, and telling of fortunes, or rayling at honest Fumigosus my old enemy, for not flattering me in my ignorance. Eubulus was my friend after I had eaten the husks of beanes and pease amongst the hogs, but I ne­ver saw any calf but my self: but this is a damnable Ex­cursion, if I should weary the patience of my Ladies of pleasure, to whom I commend the reading of my Ad­vice to a Daughter stoln out of Felthams Resolves, Modern Policyes, Overburyes Characters, &c. taking the other bout with Eubulus, and then farewel: Ide have thee to know I scorn to take such a puppyes coun­cel, for I have found more profit by pinching and cheating, then thou shalt ever do by writing or speaking go teach thy dogs to dance: but I shall not leave thee [Page 13]so neither, wa'st not an impudent part of thee, to disco­ver who were Cuckolds and who were Cuckold-makers, of both sexes: thou baudy Author, and abusive Raskal, is it convenient to speak truth at all times, no not to Quaery it? Whether Old Actaeon was ever coop't up like a Guinny Big? whether Actaeons picture were more proper then a Black Boy? whether the seven Stars in L.—might not more properly be the seven deadly sins? Whether the sign of the Devil were not more sutable for the Angel in W—whether ever a Ba [...]er in London look't like Massienello of Naples? Whether Smacket upon a wenches bum-trinket is not a term of art for every Barbers mouth? and Have you any wood to cleave, a profitable sentence on Horsledown? Whether Su Leming? A—does not make buttons with the strings of her fiddle, ever since the discovery of Ben. R—his drawing a tabby gown out of his Codpiece? Whether old father Fiery-facias will ever be cur'd of his red nose, till he leaves looking under the Lines of Communication? Whether old Rats will ever leave loving of Cheese? Whether that which is bred in the bone, will ever out of the flesh? Whether a Flaunders Mare or a beautiful wench naked is the better bed-fellow? Whether plain-horns or gilt-horns are most fashionable? Whether the Butchers brindle does not want Hukins his Quidlibets? Whether Lon­don vvill ever be vvithout Cuckolds and Cuckoldmakers? Whether the French mans riding on the nose, does not spoyl a good occupation? Whether it be most lavvful to lie vvith a mans maid, his nurse, or his ovvn wife, in Gander-mouth? Whether any man can cure the Cut of his finger by thrusting it up a C—as I—did? Whe­ther [Page 14]lying with a feeble husband, or a stoutistallion, cures a womans melancholy? Whether Midwifes get most by mens or womens tayls? Whether the taking a touch before hand, is not a sure way to try each others abilityes? Whether the Earl of Manchesters Colours, or those of Cripple-gate, are most commendable? Whe­ther any man ever look't through a womb perspective-instrument? Whether any man can be a Cuckold in his own conceit, so soon as another? And whether any man would give his Consent, though he were hang'd for't? Whether Hosiers, Button-makers, and Tooth­drawers, are not more apt to be Cuckolds-all-a row then others? Whether Irommongers may not play ar Tick­tack in a baudy-house, as well as others? Whether two Cocks to one Hen are not odds? Whether handling the Souldjers odds, or slitting of beans in Cheapside-market is most profitable? Whether it be lawful for a man to pinch, kick and beat his wife without a cause? And last of all Whelp and Bacon, Whether Heydon the Universal Mountebank, did study Arts and Sciences in Jacobs-well-Colledge in White chappel during his cornuting? why thou Villain, did'st thou do't, or let ano­ther to work? I'le erect a figure for't, and finde thee out; the sign is in Aries or Taurus, Im'e sure on't by the itching of the nape of my neck, which makes me scratch where it does not itch, yet I'le turn and return to my Ladies, craving leave so subscribe my self their