VVIT REVIVED: OR, A New and Excellent way of divertisement, digested into most ingenious QVESTIONS AND ANSWERS.

By Asdryasdust Tossoffacan.

LONDON, Printed for the Author, and are to be sold at the Brazen Ser­pent in Saint Pauls Church-yard. 1656.


Q. WHat day was that as the like never was before?

A. The first.

Q. Whether has a horse or no horse more legs.

A. No horse: For a horse has foure legs, and no horse has more.

Q. When is a Cow roundest?

A. When shee lickes her ireech.

Q. Whats the reason a horse foams so at the mouth?

A. Because he never spits.

Q. What is the likest to a cat in a hole?

A. A cat out of a hole.

Q. How should one stop three holes with one thing?

A. By putting one mans nose in another mans—

Q. Why is a mad man as strong as two men?

A. Because he's a man beside himselfe.

Q. Why is love said to bee an ancient family?

A. Because when Adam and Eve first met, shitten come shites was the beginning of love.

How many sides hath a man?

A. Eight: inside, outside, brght side, left side, upper side, [Page 5]lower side, foreside, backside.

Q. What is the best receipt to make a fat Lady leane?

A. To keep her eies open, and her mouth shut.

Q. Why doe the French send Rabbets to their Tables with their feet on?

A. Because (being a frugall people) they may goe the further.

Q. Why is the afternoon said to be shorter then the forenoon?

A. Because the Sunne goes down the hill.

Q. Why did Sir Theodore Mayherne dye?

A. Because he could live no longer.

Q. Why doe so many drinke Cauphe?

A. Because 'tis good against a Clap.

Q. Why is the worst woman in the world good?

A. Because she's good for somthing, or good for nothing.

Q. Why is a broad hat said to be full?

A. Because 'tis a brimmer.

Q. Why doth a Fox prey a­broad?

A. Because he hath nothing at home.

Q. Why is it said that wise men aske more questions then fools?

A. Because no man is wise without question.

Q. What may wee thinke on, and yet think on nothing?

A. Womens constancy.

Q. May we think dooms day to be neare, or no?

A. No: for then there shal hardly be any faith; now there is nothing else.

Q. What is the difference be­tween a Lord and a meaner man?

A. A word.

Q. What may a virtuous plain man say to women having naked breasts?

A. Shut your shop-win­dowes for shame.

Q. Who may bee thought to smell never well?

A. They that smel ever wel.

Q. Who may be thought to be no mans friend?

A. He that is every mans.

Q. Why is it said 'tis better to have a little wife, then a great wife?

A. Because of evils the least is to be chosen: Or, it is best to have a wife but little.

Q. Why is the husband said to weare hornes, and not the wife?

A. Because he is the head.

Q. Why are there so many Cuckolds?

A. Because so many marry.

Q. Why doe many Preachers [Page 8]winke when they pray;

A. Because they would bee thought to know the way to heaven so well, that they could find it blindfold.

Q. Why are some gallants like Philosophers?

A. Because they carry all their wealth about them.

Q. Why are some Ladies like unto tame comes?

A. Because their skins are more worth then their bodies.

Q. What kind of garment doe women most love to weare?

A. The breeches.

Q. What kind of booke may a man wish his wife were like?

A. An Almanack; for, so he may have a new one every year.

Q. Why are there so many poor Physitians?

A. Because it is a very back­ward profession.

Q. Why are Lords and great [Page 9]men beheaded for treason, and meaner men not?

A. Because they are the more capitall offenders.

Q. Have the Clergy got any advantage by marrying of wives, or no?

A. No: For they had it in tithes before.

Q. Why doe Ministers and Lawyers talke so loud?

A. Because they are allowed to talke.

Q. Why are foolish sermons said to be the most moving?

A. Because so few will tarry to heare them.

Q. Why is it said that Epi­cures and Gluttons are like calves?

A. Because they have a sweet tooth in their heads.

Q. How may one call a rich man foole, and not offend him?

A. By telling him he's one of those whom fortune favours.

Q. Why is it said, that painted women may be called whores?

A. Because though there may be no cause, yet there is a great deale of colour for it.

Q. May not one that is nei­ther virgin, wife, nor widow, call her selfe a maid?

A. Yes, forsooth a chamber maid.

Q Which is the next and su­rest way to be a Cuckold?

A. To be jealous.

Q Why are Lawyers said to be like to brokers?

A. Because they deale alto­gether with other mens suites.

Q. What may be said of a poor-schollars short gowne?

A. That it will bee long e­nough ere he have another.

Q. Who are these that pocket up most wrongs?

A. Usurers, Thieves, Souldi­ers and Lawyers.

Q. Why are states-men said to be like Asses?

A. Because they have the longest eares of any men.

Q. What may bee said of the worser sort of the Clergy?

A. Hang up your lights.

Q. Why were some Ministers so loath to weare a surplice?

A. Because it did put them in minde of their wives smock.

Q. What language is the best to win a widow?

A. Down-right.

Q. What kinde of instrument or weapon is most tost?

A. The pot.

Q. What kinde of men stand most upon Tearmes?

A. The Lawyers.

Q. What kinde of water is the most deceitfull?

A. Womens teares.

Q. What kind of women need masks the most?

A. Such as have much adoe to avoid being ugly.

Q. Why are women said to bee weaker then men?

A. Because they are most put to the wall.

Q. If the husband call his wife whore, how may shee answer.

A. But—

Q. Why are many young gal­lants said to be like ferrets?

A. Because they creepe so much into Cony-holes.

Q. Why were Parsons wives said to be more excuseable for cuc­kolding, then other women?

A. Because of their husbands being Non-Resident.

Q. Why did the Puritans speak through the nose?

A. Because the high Com­missioners had stopt their mouths.

Q. Why doe Lawyers weare round caps, and not square?

A. Because square-dealing would undoe them.

Q. What is the best signe for a trades man new set up?

A. A handsome wife.

Q. Why are Cities and Corpo­rations no better govern'd?

A. Because the Magistrates cannot lay their heads together.

Q. Why are there not women-Lawyers, as well as men?

A. Because they would lay their cases too open.

Q. Why did Puritans hate May-poles?

A. Because they were things out of their reach.

Q. Why is Virgo said to go­vern the bowels and belly?

A. Because whores and ma­ny wives have no government of either.

Q. What deserves he that pro­miseth faire, and doth not accor­ding?

A. A Cording.

Q. What may be said of many gallants and their legs?

A. That they are to big in the Calve.

Q. What kinde of faces may Scoffers and Criticks be said to have?

A. Mustard.

Q. May a dog be called Cuc­kold?

A. No: For 'tis many a good Christian mans name.

Q. May a wanton papisticall Lady be called a Recusant?

A. No; but Catholick shee may be.

Q. In what are some Ladies most constant?

A. In inconstancy.

Q. Why is marriage called Matrimony?

A. Because now adaies it is made matter of money:

Q. What makes so many bad wives?

A. So many good husbands.

Q. Why are some women more luxurious then beasts?

A. Because they often couple when they care not to conceive

Q. Why is it to be doubted few Usurers and Misers goe not to hea­ven?

A. Because the journey is costly, and they will give no­thing.

Q. Why is it said that women generally are better then men?

A. Because they cannot be so bad.

Q. How may a simple scholar be handsomely called a foole?

A. By saying he is but a scho­lar.

Q. What kind of men may be said to give the most credit?

A. Old men that have hand­some young wives.

Q. What places may be said to be the most obscure and darke?

A. Polititians bosomes.

Q. How might a Puritan have been blown out of the parish?

A. With a paire of Organs.

Q. What may be said to a cor­rupt wicked Officer?

A. O-fy-Sir.

Q. What sort of men need a good memory most?

A. Lyers.

Q. Why is a good name said to be so pretious?

A. Because hee that has a bad one is halfe hang'd.

Q. What old saying is that, which women will never believe?

A. Short and sweet.

Q. Why are there more women in the world then men?

A. Because there are more weeds then good herbs.

Q. May a married man be cal­led Ox, in the presence of his wife?

A. No: but Asse he may.

Q. Why were many Courtiers of [Page 17]old thought to be the sons offryars?

A. Because of their begging.

Q. What may a petty felon say to a cruell and corrupt Judge?

A. That the greater thieves hang up the lesse.

Q. What is the worst, and yet the dearest commodity in the Kingdome?

A. Lawyers tongues.

Q. What kind of men are we most to feare?

A. Men that have red coats or pale faces.

Q. What good Deeds doe Usu­rers love most?

A. Sealed and delivered.

Q. Who may be said to be the greatest casuists in the nation?

A. Lawyers.

Q. Whether is common-wolfe or common-wealth the better name for England?

A. Common-wealth.

Q. If all men be worms, what are gallants?

A. Silke-wormes.

Q. What is the best dance for Committee-men?

A. The brawles.

Q. Why do many gallants hear a din no better?

A. Because they have locks at their eares.

Q. Why are thieves said tody like swans?

A. Because they sing a little before.

Q. When may we think a wo­man to be past all recovery?

A. When she is speechlesse.

Q. What is the difference be­tween a wives being got with child by her husband, and by another man?

A. Conceiving and miscon­ceiving.

Q. Why do not women solicite Law-suites as well as men?

A. Because if they should make their cases too plaine, no [Page 19]body would meddle with them.

Q. Why doe some women love honesty better then men?

A. Because when they are down themselves, they would have men upright.

Q. If one have an ill wife, whose name is Mary, may he call her deare Mal?

A. He may: For deare Mal is as much as to say costly ill.

Q. Why are most women said to be stony hearted?

A. Because they love stones heartily.

Q. Why is it said that women doe love fish better then flesh?

A. Because they doe affect and desire Place above all things.

Q. Why are women said to be too hard for men at Irish?

A. Because they are better at bearing.

Q. Why are painted women not to be trusted?

A. Because they have two fa­ces under a hood.

Q. Why are women not like to good wine?

A. Because they have need of a bush.

Q. Why are crooked men most unfit to be stewards?

A. Because they will never be able to set all things streight.

Q. What may be said of women that marry very young?

A. That they begin to take upon them betimes.

Q. Why doe not some Ladies care for plaine dealing?

A. Because they had rather be over-reach'd.

Why are sooth sayers no better to be believed?

A. Because so few of them say sooth.

Q. What is the worst thing that is for a man to lend his eare unto?

A. Pillory.

Q. What is the best receipt to take away the sent of garlick?

A. Go-looke.

Q. Why is it said, 'tis better to have a little wit, then a great wit?

A. Because, non est magnum ingenium, sine aliquâ dementiâ.

Q. Why is it said, 'tis better to marry a widow then a maid?

A. Causa patet.

Q. Why are not married men to grieve when their wives make them Cuckolds?

A. Because, solamen miseris socios—

Q. Why is it said that little heads have more with then great heads?

A. Because, omne majus con­tinet in se minus.

Q. Why is time said to be so precious?

A. Because omnium rerum est primum.

Q. Why is it said that Princes are not to grant monopolies of smal mattors?

A. Because, non vacat exiguis rebus adesse Jovi.

Q. Why are batchelours more happy then married men?

A. Because, faelix quem faci­unt aliorum Cornua, cautum.

Q. Why are not many gallants noto be believ'd when they com­plement?

A. Because, ex abundancia cordis, os loquitur.

Q. Why is it said that fooles cannot mend their faults?

A. Because, dum vitant, in contraria currant.

Q. Why are Cuckolds said to be like fools?

A. Because, infinitus est nu­merus.

Q. What part of grammer do Ladies like the best?

A. Propria quaemaribus.

Q. What two words are those, which set all the world together by the eares?

A. Meum and Tuum.

Q. What saying in Scripture do Lawyers like the worst?

A. Pax vobis.

Q. What may a Physitian say when he is in love?

A. Hei mihi quod nullis A­mor est medicabilis herbis.

Q. What verse in grammer doth most taxe the Clergy?

A. Bos, fur, sus, atque sacer­dos.

Q. What verse in grammer doth most tax the Lawyers?

A. Clamor, rixa, joci, men­dacia, furta, cachinni.

Q. If one be uncivilly checkt for talking, with the old saying, vir sapit—how may he answer?

A. Vir loquitur, qui pauca sapit.

Q. How may a serving man [Page 24]excuse himselfe, if he lets fall a neates tongue?

A. By saying, Non est error mentis.

Q. Of a Porter that turnes Preacher, what may be said?

A. Qui color albus erat nunc est contrarius albo.

Q. Why cannot women keep secrets as well as men?

A. Because they are pleniores rimarum.

Q. Why is it said, 'tis prodiga­lity, and not liberality to give quickly?

A. Because, bis dat, qui cito dat.

Q. Why is the Lye no such affront as it is taken for?

A. Because, omnis homo mendax.

Q. How may the proverb of wishers and woulders be neatly ex­prest in Latine?

A. ô si, ô si, otiosi.

Q. How may they be fitly ter­med who begin many things, and make no end of any?

A. Incipientes, insipientes.

Q. How may a good fellow ex­cuse his frequenting of taverns?

A. That he doth it to find out the truth: for, in vino veritas.

Q. How may one addresse his complements to his friend, in a neat and covert manner?

A. Mitto tibi navem prora puppique carentem.

Q. How may one handsomely crave the hearty affection of his friend?

A. Da mediam Lunam (C) solem quoque (O) & canis iram (R.)

Q. When would the Devill be a Monk?

A. When he is sicke.

Q. Is quot capita, tot ingenia, a true saying or no?

A. No; for many heads have no wit at all.

Q. What said the school-boy to Queen Elizabeth, when she askt him how oft hee had been whipt?

A. Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare dolorem.

Q. What said the Spaniard to the French man, that found a pearle?

A. Non sum gallus, ideo non reperi—

Q. Which of the old Romans may be thought to have smelt the best?

Ans. Publius Ovidius Na­so.

Q. VVhy was Homer said to be a vigilant Poet?

A. Because hee did but ali­quando dormire.

Q. Why is Cicero said to be a notable Bragadochio?

A. Because hee saith—Ego meis majoribus virtute prae­luxi.

Q. What is a fit motte for the two Temples, antiently the houses of the Knights-Templars?

A. Cedant Arma Togae.

Q. Why is the middle Temple said to be more vertuous then the Inner?

A. Because, in medio con­sistit—

Q. What had been a more pro­per Arms for the City of London, then their Dudgen dagger?

A. A Cornucopia.

Q. Why are Eunuchs said to grieve more then others?

A. Because, Ille verè dolet, qui sine Teste dolet.

Q. Why are wanton women not to be termed light?

A. Because omne grave de­orsum.

Q. Who is the greatest whore and whoremaster that ever was?

A. Ceres & Bacchus: Nam, sine Cerere & Baccho friget Ve­nus.

Q. When is a woman to be be­leev'd?

A. —Nè mortuae quidem.

Q. Why are women said to bee more liberall than men?

A. Because by their good wils, they would have no va­cuum.

Q. Why was Philemon the Translator said to be so trouble­some?

A. Because he would not let Suetonius be Tranquillus.

Q. VVhat name would exactly fit an honest quiet man, that puts his horns in his pocket?

A. Cornelius Tacitus.

Q. What may be said of an At­torney made an Under-Sheriffe?

A. Corruptio unius est gene­ratio alterius.

Q. What may be said of Ale­houses?

A. Licentiâ omnes deterio­res sumus.

Q. Why is it said, That all men are or have been mad?

A. Because, semel insanivi­mus.

Q. Why is it better to plow then to digge?

A. Because, effodiuntur ir­ritamenta.

Q. Who may most properly be called a miser?

A. Qui nummos admiratur.

Q. Why are Usurers said to be very good Christians?

A. Because, quantum num­morum quisquis habet—

Q. What may be said of a wo­man that is young, witty, fair, and honest too? for how can she be fair and honest too?

A. Rara avis—nigroque si­millima—

Q. Why is it said that the best women are the most contrary to goodnesse?

A. Because, bonum, quo [Page 30]communius eo melius.

Q. Why is it said, That the way to be wise is to drinke hard?

A. Because, faecundi calices quem non—

Q. Why are books said to be like cheeses?

A. Because no cheese can please all feeders, nor any booke all readers.

Q. What is the world like?

A. The stage of a play-house, and men the actors.

Q. Why is love said to be like a paire of spectacles?

A. Because it makes every thing seeme bigger and better then it is.

Q. Why is a true noble minde said to be like the Palm tree?

A. Because the more it is de­pressed, the more it strives to mount upward.

Q. Why is it said that Lawes [Page 31]are like unto spiders webs?

A. Because they catch little flies, and let the great ones e­scape.

Q. Who may be said to be the best and truest lovers?

A. They onely who love be­cause they love.

Q. When is the fittest time for a man to marry?

A. A young man not yet, an old man not at all.

Q. Which is the best and spee­diest way for dispatch of businesse?

A. Not to be too hasty.

Q. What rule or way is that, which whosoever observes, shall never be deceived?

A. Not to trust.

Q. What is the best rule or instruction concerning playing and jesting?

A. Play, but hurt not; jeast, but shame not.

Q. What is the best instructi­on [Page 32]concerning loving and hating?

A. So to love as though we were to hate; and hate as if wee were to love.

Q. What is the best instructi­on concerning learning and living.

A. So to learn, as if we were to live alwaies; and so to live, as if we were to dye to morrow.

Q. Who may be said to be our best companions?

A. Good bookes.

Q. What two things are those, that put us most in mind of mor­tality?

A. Sleep and lust.

Q. If a man have a wife a lit­tle awry, but a very good wife, and be asked why he would choose such a one, how may he answer?

A. That God had bowed her, and sent her him for a token.

Q. What is a wise mans dis­course to be likened unto?

A. The opening of a rich ca­binet.

Q. What kind of men are the blindest?

A. They that can see a moat in other mens eies, and not a beame in their owne.

Q. Why is it said that the Evening is better then the Mor­ning?

A. Because it crownes the day.

Q. Why are covetous and cru­ell menlikened to Swine?

A. Because they never doe good till they dye.

Q. Why is it said that our life is like an houre glasse, and the sand like worldly riches?

A. Because they run with us for a short time, and then are turned up by another.

Q. Why is it said that Saty­rists are like snuffers?

A. Because they doe com­monly reteine in themselves the filth they find in others.

Q. How doe wise men esteem of language or words?

A. But as of a dish for to serve up the sence.

Q. What kind of men are they that are likest and nearest to the divine nature?

A. They whom reason, not passion moves.

Q. How may we terme the earth in respect of the heavens?

A. Mole-hill.

Q. What kinde of men may be said to be the best arm'd?

A. The fore-warn'd.

Q. Why is it said that friends are now adaies like leaves of trees?

A. Because they stick close in summer, but drop off in win­ter.

Q. What is the world to a wise man, and to a foole?

A. A Paradice to the one, and a purgatory to the other.

Q. What may, be said of car­nall and worldly men?

A. That they make heaven descend to earth.

Q. What is the greatest un­happinesse of Shepherds and hus­bandmen?

A. That they know not their owne happinesse.

Q. How may wee make our riches, good?

A. By good using of them.

Q. Who may be said to be the best and greatest conqueror?

A. He who makes his pas­sions stand bare about him.

Q. Who may be said to be most truly good?

A. He that knowes why he is so, and loves goodnesse for it selfe.

Q. Why is it said that new friends are like new wines?

A. Because the hard and harsh are best; the most pleasing are least lasting.

Q. What may be said to be our best prospect?

A. To look inward.

Q. What is it that is better and quieter to sleep in, then a whole skin?

A. A good conscience.

Q. Why have we two eies, two cares, and but one tongue?

A. Because we should heare and see much, and say but little.

Q. Why was the Court of White Hall so called?

A. Because it should bee an example of whitenesse and in­nocency to the whole Nation.

Q. Which is the best forrest to shelter a knave or a great belly in?

A. Not Ashdowne, nor Sherwood, but London.

Q. What place in London is that, where all go in with an ill wil, and many come out with a worse?

A. New-Gate.

Q. What street in London doth worst deserve its name.

A. Cheape.

Q: When may it be said, 'tis full Moon in Cheape-side?

A. When there is no room empty in the Tavern.

Q. Which may be said to be the roaring'st place about London?

A. The Tower.

Q Which is the sweetest place in London?

A. Beare-binder-Lane.

Q. What is Westminster Hall like?

A. A Butlers box at Christ­mas.

Q. Why is there not an Order taken with the boatmen for baw­ling so loud at westminster in the Terme time?

A. Because the Lawyers are us'd to it.

Q. How many hels are there about London?

A. But one, and that's at Westminster.

Q. Is there a place there about called heaven?

A. There is; but it is out of the Hall.

Q. Which is said to be the so­rest place in Southwark?

A. Saint Thomas Hospitall.

Q. Which is the most dogged place about London?

A. Paris Garden.

Q. Which of our Towns may be thought the most dangerous to marry a wife in?

A. Shrewsbury.

Q. What Town is the best to bring a shrewd wife to?

A. Stafford.

Q. Do Ladies go to the bath chiefly to see and to be seen?

A. No; they go also to feele and to be felt.

Q. What Shire (next to Mid­dlesex) may be thought to have the most Cuckolds?

A. Buckingham.

Q. Which of our Counties do women affect most to live in?

A. Will-shire.

Q. Why do Oxford and Cam­bridge agree no better?

A. Because they are Sisters.

Q. Why is it said 'tis better to live in the Country, than at Lon­don?

A. Because (God be thanked) there are no such places there as Hide Parke and Westminster Hall.

Q. Why are there Shops in Westminster Hall?

A. Because a man may have any thing there for money.

Q. Which are the two richest acres of ground in England?

A. The Exchequer and the Exchange.

Q. What Chamber was of old the worst to be made fine in?

A. The Starre.

Q. May any thing be said of the Chancery, if the Seal should be put to sale?

A. Yes Chance-awry.

Q. Why was the Courts of Wards Office so near the Church?

A. Because the nearer—

Q. Which of our Courts was most in request?

A. The Privy-seals.

Q. Where may a Parrat be fit­ly plac'd to cry walk knave walk?

A. At the Palace-yard in Term time.

Q. Who is said to have been the greatest Monarch the world ever had?

A. Adam.

Q. Who was the first thiefe that ever was?

A. Adam, for he robb'd Gods Orchard.

Q. Why is it said that man and wife should be like Adam and Eve?

A. Because he should be all of the world of men to her; she of women to him.

Q. Why is it said that Adam and Esau were two of the greatest prodig als that ever were?

A. Because the one sold Pa­radise for an Apple, the other his Birth-right for a messe of broth.

Q. Who may be said to have had the best and largest bosome?

A. Abraham.

Q. Who may be said to have had the most honourable funerall that ever man had?

A. Moses.

Q. What was Job's greatest persecution?

A. His wise.

Q. What place was that, where the voice of one creature might pierce all the eares of the world?

A. The Arke.

Q. Why is it that Solomon was said to be a very merry man?

A. Because hee wrote five thousand songs.

Q. Why is Solomon said to be [Page 42]the most uxorious King that ever was?

A. Because hee had seven hundred wives.

Q. Who was he that danced before he was born?

A. The Baptist.

Q. Who was he that made the best, and worst bargain that ever man did?

A. Judas.

Q. What may an ignorant hi­storian take the picture in Alma­nacks for?

A. Julius Caesar.

Q. Which of the valiantest Greeks had the foulest name?

A. A-jax.

Q Why is it said that wanton wives may be called Diana's?

A. Because they do Actaeon their husbands.

Q. Was St Peter ever at Rome, or no?

A. It is doubted by some, [Page 43]but 'tis certaine that Simon was there.

Q. Why did Hen. 8. cause his Queen Anne Bullen to be behea­ded?

A. Because she beheaded him.

Q. Which of our Dukes had the sweetest death?

A. Clarence.

Q. Which of our antient Dukes hath been most famous for hospi­tality?

A. Duke Humphrey.

Q. Which of our late Tempor all Lords may be said to be most spi­rituall?

A. The Earle of Kent.

Q. Who did of late make good that saying, to him that hath shall be given?

A. Selden.

Q. Why is it said that the mea­nest man in London may take the wall of the Lord Mayor?

A. Because of his horse.

Q. Why did the Bishops of Durham (being the richer hene­fice) desire to be remov'dto York?

A. For want of Grace.

Q. Why is it said that the Bi­shop of Landaff should be called my Lord Aff?

A. Because the Land is gone.

Q. Which of our Bishops do not the Presbyters deny to be a good man?

A. Glocester.

Q. Who was the quondam best Cooke in England?

A. The Secretary.

Q. When did Sir Edward Cook's name best discover his fortune?

A. When he was old.

Q. Which of our late Doctors did the worst deserve his name?

A. Lamb.

Q. Why was Sir T. Mathewes so great a Courtier of Ladies?

A. To make good Charity mistaken.

Q. Did Sir William Pyedie in a fit and seasonable time or no?

A. He did, for it was at Christmasse.

Q. Which of our English Knights had the best wife that ever man had?

A. Sir Thomas Overbury.

Q. How may one whose name is Hill, answer one that saith, H. is no letter?

A. That it will go—ill with him then.

Q. Which of our Tailors were the most famous?

A. The Plaierand the Sculler.

Q. VVho is the most famous Cutpurse of these times?

A. Mal.

Q. Who may be thought to have been the greatest wencher of an English man?

A. Laurence of Lancashire.

Q. Why was it said, That Sir T. Gardiner was the fittest man to be Recorder of London?

A. Because no place in the Kingdome was more full of weedes.

Why is the King of Spaine said to be so great a Monarch?

A. Because hee sacks more Cities and Countries then all other Princes.

Q. What do the Dutch men take death to be?

A. Not to drinke.

Q. Why are Welch men said to be without comparison on St David's day?

A. Because none weare leeks but they.

Q. What brave English ship was that which made an example of the Dutch?

A. The President.

Q. Why do French men weare Rapiers on their bums?

A. Because English men have so often prickt them behind.

Q. Who is the second Scipio?

A. Generall Blake.

Q. Why is it said there are more Jewes then Christians?

A. Because so many worship the golden calfe.

Q. Why is it said that of all nations, women cannot endure the Italians?

A. Because of their Pad­locks.

Q. What place is said to bee the worst to learn french in?

A. The Low Countries.

Q. What was the greatest cause of the Indians undoing?

A. Their Gold.

Q. What is a VVelch mans greatest enemy?

A. A Mouse.

Q. Why is it said that Grocers are wiser then other trades men?

A. Because they can give more reasons for what they do.

Q. Why are Tinkers said to be such honest men?

A. Because they cast the wallet of their faults behinde them.

Q. What trades men are they who may most likely be knaves in graine?

A. Milners, Dyers, Bakers.

Q. Why is the Clothiers trade such a simple profession?

A. Because their wits go so much a wool-gathering.

Q. What kind of tradesmen do women like the worst?

A. Habberdashers of small Ware.

Q. Why are smiths said to get their living harder then any men?

A. Because they have no­thing but what they fetch out of the fire.

Q. Why may Barbers and Ex­cise-men call brothers?

A. Because they are poalers and pillers.

Q. Why is a Shoomaker said to [Page 49]bee the fittest man to make a Con­stable?

A. Because by vertue of his trade, hee may set men in the stocks, and ease them at Last.

Q. Why is it said that three Tailers go to a man?

A. Because foure cannot please some one woman.

Q. Why is a Sculler better then apaire of Oares?

A. Because he has no fellow.

Q. Why are Hostlers said to be honester then Chamberlains?

A. Because they cozen but hor­ses to their faces, the other men

Q. What kinde of Trades-men may be said to stand most upon points?

A. The Taggers.

Q. Who be they, though never so drunken and foolish, may yet be truly called Grave men?

A. Sextons.

Q. Why is it said that water­men [Page 50]may be taken for great Poli­ticians?

A. Because they row one way, and looke another.

Q. Why doe Sailers differ so extreamly from other trades men?

A. Because they are then best pleas'd when they goe most downe the winde.

Q. Why do Gardiners pretend to goe before other professions?

A. Because it was the first man's imploiment.

Q. Who are those that are of great and high calling, and yet but of little account?

A. Vintners boies and Cham­berlaines:

Q. Who be they that may be said to be then best at ease, when they are most troubled with stitches?

A. Tailers.

Q. Why is it said we are to be very wary how we deal with Surgeons?

A. Because we shall be sure [Page 51]to finde them very sore men.

Q. How may one make the wisest man that is, to have arun­ning head of his owne

A. By breaking it.

Q. Which is the best way to help on a dull or tired horse?

A. By holding a bottle of hay upon a sticke before his nose that he may strive to overtake it:

Q. How mayone ride a horse a hundred miles or two without drawing Bitt?

A. With a halter?

Q. How may one dine in much company, and yet dine alone?

A. Among strangers.

Q. How may a scholar study hard, and yet study very little?

A. Without a cushion.

Q. How may a white or a gray horse be made dun?

A. By tiring him.

Q. What is the best preserva­tive against famine?

A. By feeding before hand on unsavoury meates.

Q. How may one of little lear­ning, and lesse wit, be made Mr of Art?

A. Without question.

Q. Which is the safest place to stand in, among unskilful archers?

A. The marke.

Q. How may one make a dain­ty feast of a good horse?

A. By selling him.

Q. Why are wise men the grea­test lyars?

A. Because children and fools speake truth.

Q. Why have theeves more cause to be poets then any men?

A. Because they have most need of a verse.

Q. Why are women said to love judiciously and wisely?

A. Because they doe love men more or lesse according to their good parts.

Q. Why are few women said to be in love with their own names

A. Because they would glad­ly change them at any time for a husband.

Q. Why are Physitians said to be more unskilfull in the constitu­tions of good men and women then of others?

A. Because the State allows them only whores and thieves to practise on.

Q. Why is it said, it is far bet­ter to be a wittall, then jealous?

A. Because hee knowes the worst, and is out of feare.

Q. Why are those trades-men said to be most kind, who will not trust a friend?

A. Because they will rather want themselves, then see him a Debtor.

Q. Why is it said, that all other Artists of the liberall sciences may take place of Physitians?

A. Because by their profes­sions they are to come behinde.

Q. Why is it said, it is better to have a bad wife, then a good one?

A. Because she brings repen­tance, and puts one in mind of hell.

Q. Why is it said, that thieves love and confide in their Country more then any men?

A. Because they dare put themselves upon't though they are hang'd for't.

Q. Why had Christmas-Lords a preheminence above other Lords

A. Because they knew their ends.

Q. Why is it said that beggars lye in greater state then Princes?

A. Because they have hea­ven for their canopy.

Q. Why are drunkards said to be good Philosophers?

A. Because they think aright the world runs round.

Q. Why are women fitter for the study of Astronomy then men?

A. Because they lye more on their backs.

Q. Why is wealth better then wit?

A. Because no Poet had e­ver the luck to be Lord Mayor.

Q. Why are blind men not to be pitied?

A. Because there is much more bad to be seen then good.

Q. Why are women more no­ble Creatures then Eunuchs?

A. Because the masculine gen­der is more worthy then the fae­minine, and the faeminine more worthy then the neuter.

Q. Why is it said, 'tis better to have a bad father then a good one?

A. Because, happy is the son whose father goes —

Q. Why is it said, 'tis better to be a dwarfe then a proper man?

A. Because the properer man the worse luck.

Q. What is a womans best ela­quence?

A. Her beauty.

Q. Which is the best part of a maide?

A. Her Head.

Q. What is that which the hea­vier it is, it makes a man the ligh­ter?

A. A Purse.

Q. What are poor Tenants best orators to their greedy Landlords?

A. Bottles and Baskets.

Q. What kind of meat is that which is alwaies in season?

A. Powder'd.

Q. What kind of men may be thought to be the most dogged?

A. Hunts-men.

Q. What creature is the grea­test traveller next to a man?

A. A Louse.

Q. Were there no boates, how [Page 57]should one go over the Thames, if London bridge were away?

A. Fore-right.

Q. Whatkind of house may we soonest find out with following our nose?

A. That called the Commons.

Q. What makes Lawyers and Guild Hall Clerks so fine?

A. Other mens suites.

Q. What is the fittest inscripti­on for a house of Offi—

A. Here are f.—to be let.

Q. Which is the highest Church in all London, next to St Pauls?

A. St Gregories.

Q. What kind of women may most truly be said to have masks of their owne?

A. The fowle.

Q. Where doth Luke Harun­ny hold forth?

A. At the three Cranes.

Q. VVhat place is the worst to give the lye in?

A. The throat.

Q. How do young men and women love one another?

A. Like any thing.

Q. What kind of men are most troubled with bad livers?

A. The married.

Q. How deserves he to be cal­led, who in a Taverne cals for a Gill of wine, and no more?

A. Jack.

Q. What kind of fruit is never out of request?

A. Lemons.

Q Which may be said to be the merriest T [...]r [...]ne of the four?

A. Hillary.

Q. If a woman have had five husbands, and reckon them upon her fingers, what may be said of her

A. That shee has made a hand of them all.

Q. If a rich widow should boast that she has overcome a Gentle­man in a Law suit: how may he answer?

A. That he tooke a wrong Sow by the eare.

Q. If one be askt what he will take to have a good blow given him on the eare?

A. A head-piece.

Q. If a miser offer a Gentle­man to drinke, and say (and that very truly) that his beer is dead, how may be reply?

A. Not unlikely; for it has been very weak a great while.

Q. If one chance to be drow­ned, may we say he's gone the way of all flesh?

A. No but of fish we may.

Q. If a man be derided for ha­ving but one spur when he rides, how may he reply?

A. That if the one side of his horse go on, the other will not tarry behind.

Q. How did the Gentleman answer his Lady, that at supper, bid him give her a flap of the cony?

A. Not before all this com­pany.

Q. If a Gent. be threatned by a Citizen, may he retaliate with the preverb of a curst Cow?

A. No; for his wife will take care—

Q. What said the Country fel­low to an astronomer, who as he was taking the height of a star with his Jacob's staff, and a mete­or fell down?

A. Well shot i'faith.

Q. If a Cobler dispute with a Curate, and be too hard for him, what may one say?

A. That it is great pity they had not been both Coblers.

Q. What said the Shepherd leading home his wife from the ale-house, when he met his fellow Shepherd?

A. Hanc, etiam vix, Tytire, du [...]o.

Q. If an old man marry a young [Page 61]Lady, what may he say the next morning?

A. Non omnia possumus omnes.

Q. Why is it said that a sonne may have too much of his fathers blessings?

A. Because, omne nimium vertitur.

Q. What is the best liquor for a Lawyer?

A. Aurum potabile.

Q. Why is a rich covetous man said to be the poorest man that is?

A. Quia semper egit.

Q. What may be said of the fairest woman that is when in her grave?

A. Non redoler, sed olet.

Q. Why is it said, 'tis better to be a fool then a wise man?

A. Because, fortuna favet—

Q. What man may be said to have least need of weapons?

A. Integer vitae, scelerisque purus—

Q. Why are fooles said to bee numberlesse?

A. Because,—plena sunt om­nia.

Q. Why are Ladies said to have a princelike, or majesticall will?

A. Because, stat pro ratione-

Q. Why is it said to bee good policy to fall out with the mistress?

A. Because, amantium irae—

Q. Why is it said, the Universi­ties did commend the Lawyer, when they meant to jear him?

A. Because they call'd him ignoramus.

Q. What part or rule of Gram­mer is of most use?

A. Faemineo generi tribuun­tur Propria quae maribus.

Q. Why is it said, that a man that is drunk is not fit to marry?

A. Because hee cannot uxo­rem ducere.

Q. Why is it said, that Ovid was the greatest blasphemer of [Page 63]women that ever was?

A. Because he said, Casta est quam nemo.

Q. Which was the worst piece of an honest poor man?

A. Noverint universi—

Q. What may a Gent. say to his neighbor when he comes home with empty pockets from the Term?

A. Ad concilium nè accesse­ris antequàm —

Q. Why are we not to talke much with wise men?

A. Because, verbumsapienti—

Q. How may a learned man be rightly termed?

A. A walking Library.

Q. Who may be said to be tru­ly in debt?

A. He that meanes to pay.

Q. What faire is that which is said to last all the yeare?

A. A married mans.

Q. How may we rightly term good husbands and good wives?

A. Hermaphrodites.

Q. What was the first sport or game that ever was plaid at?

A. Child-getting.

Q. How many daies are there in a yeare?

A. Seven.

Q. What is the difference be­tween a rich Usurer, and a rich man that is no Usurer?

A. Six per Cent.

Q. How may this our age be rightly termed?

A. The Golden.

Q. Why are good women like a lottery?

A. Because there is many a blank for one prize.

Q. Why are widowes like can­cell'd bonds?

A. Because they have been seal'd and deliver'd, and are out of date.

Q. Why doe so many desire to rise by the Law?

A. Because 'tis death to fall by it.

Q. Which is the worst way for a man to make himselfe a fool?

A. In print.

Q. What kind of pictures are in most request?

A. Those of Kings.

Q. What kind of fruit is said to be the sweetest?

A. Stolne.

Q. Why is it said the more crost the more blest?

A. Because of money.

Q. Why do women spit when men talke bawdy?

A. Because their mouths do water.

Q. What is the prettiest thing for a man to play with?

A. A faire Lady.

Q Which is the wantonnest part of a woman?

A. Her eye.

Q. What is that which makes all women alike?

A. The Dark.

Q. How may a man rightly terme his wife?

A. His adopted selfe.

Q. How is a very woman said to love?

A. Not the man but the best of him.

Q. Why are some gallants said to be like Cinamon?

A. Because the barke is bet­ter then the body.

Q. Why are complementall Courtiers said to be like Grub­street pamphlets?

A. Because they promise great matters, & perform just nothing.

Q. What kind of sicknesse are women most subject to?

A. The Falling.

Q. What kind of Jointures do Ladies like the best?

A. Body to Body.

Q. What kind of men may be termed the most sawcy?

A. Cooks.

Q. Why is marriage called a yoake?

A. Because many men are like Oxen.

Q. Why is it said that Usurers may be thought to be very honest men?

A. Because they stand so much upon conditions.

Q. What is thought to be the greatest dishonesty?

A. Poverty.

Q. Why is it said, that long ly­ing in is a most dangerous and vi­tious quality?

A. Because he must rise betimes who wou [...]d couzen the Devill.

Q. W [...]t is the difference be­tween a rich glutton and a cove­tous man?

A. The one puts his money in his belly, the other his belly in his purse.

Q. What may be said of one that is overcome with passion?

A. That he is dry drunk.

Q. What foure words are those which are said to be of one signifi­cation?

A. Poets, Travellers, Liers, and Lovers.

Q Why is it said that fools are not to be accounted on?

A. Because they cannot bee counted.

Q. Wherefore doth a man cry Atkins when he lets a fart?

A. Because it is an anagram for a stinke.

Q. Wherefore do Anabaptists hate steeple-houses?

A. Because they dread the rope

Q. What may a cunning bar­ber be aptly called?

A. A notable shaver.

Q. Why is it generally said that wooll is the most warmest?

A. Because it is spelt al with double letters.

Q. VVhy doth a dog turn round [Page 69]so often before he lies down?

A. Because he goes about to lye down.

Q. Why are prisoners said to be good fencers?

A. Because they keep their ward.

Q. Why are poor men said to be most healthy.

A. Because they seldom keep their beds.

Q. Of all men which are the best Heralds?

A. Welch men, for they speak pedegrees naturally.

Q. Why may a serving man be said to be alwaies drunk?

A. Because he is not his own man.

Q. What knaves are the boldest?

A. Hostlers; for behind your back, they'll cheat your horse to his face.

Q. What men are best meat?

A. Saylors, for they live in pickle.

Q. What fish are most delightful?

A. Maides.

Q. Why do pick pockets go to Bridewell so often?

A. Because they get mony by it.

Q. How do Lawyers come to be famous?

A. By reports.

Q. By what measure do women desire to trade?

A. The yard.

A. Why did Lilburne leave his boiling sope?

A. Because he found himselfe in the suds.

Q. Of Chyrurgions which hath the best cunning?

A: He that lets blood in the purse.

Q. What may a Baker wish he never had?

A. His eares.

Q. What fruit rots alive?

A. Open Arses.

Q. What trades-men never trust?

A. Pick pockets.

Q. Who is he drawes liquor of life?

A. The Hangman.

Q. Where would a woman have her husband lye, than in the stocks?

A. In a hole.

Q. What creature beares best?

A. Asses and Women.

Q. Why are women the weaker vessels?

A. Because they are soonest cracked.

Q. What piece carries farthest?

A. A piece of meate.

Q. What men have best soles?

A. Coblers.

Q. To whom do blades repair often?

A. To Cutlers.

Q. What birds have longest bils?

A. Tailers.

Q. What trades men are lon­gest lived?

A. Shoomakers, for they live at last?

Q. What men live like horses?

A. Tapsters, for they are al­waies a drawing.

Q. What's the worst part of a lyers?

A. His conditions.

Q. What made Diogenes seeke honest men at night?

A. His Lanthorne.

Q. Why is it not good to eat hony with a Bear?

A. Because he will have the greatest share.

Q. Why is it so impossible to ravish some lasses?

Because they are willing.

Q. Were there ever more wat­ches?

A. No, nor time worse spent.

Q. What makes a woman wise?

A. A house well furnished.

Q. Of what sort of men doth Horn Faire chiefly consist?

A. Of Citizens.


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