CHAP. I.

AS for my Birth, it may be term'd Preternatural, above the com­mon Course of Nature, or ra­ [...]her, somewhat Monstrous, as in the Sequell I shall demonstrate; and great [Page 2] Disputes arose about my Legitima­tion.

As for my Parentage, the Father that owned me, was one Monsieur Ragoue de Versailles, who had a little Country Seat near to that aspiring Palace, whose Stateliness has created so much Wonder and Commendation. He had spent his younger years in Amours and Intrigues with the Fair Sex, though very unfortu­nate in his Adventures of Knight-Erran­try, as having squander'd away his Pa­trimony in relieving distressed Damsels: so that being doubly destitute of Money and Friends, he betook him to his last shift; which was, to leave the soft Tents of Venus, and enter into those of Mars. But the Armies being at that time in Quarters, he had leasure to repair to his own Mansion; which having been roughly used by the surly Winds, who had cuffed off a great part of its Cover­ing, was like that wherein Pope Urbin, a Fisherman's Son, was born, and of which, in his Pontifical Pride, he used scoffingly to make mention of saying, He came of an Illustrious House; for by reason of the scarcity of Money [Page 3] to repair it, the Sun darted in his glo­rious Rays at a great many more places than the Windows.

As for his Diet, which otherwise must have been near as slender as that of a Chamelion's, he frequently resorted to the House of Villezaroy, at Versailles, which adjoyn'd to the Royal Palace, who liberally dispens'd his Bounty to all that appear'd any thing like Gentlemen, by keeping a Table on purpose to en­tertain them.

Here, as the lucky Stars would have it, he became acquainted, and was de­sperately smitten with the irresistable Glances of my fair Mother's sparkling Eyes. She being an intreaguing Bag­gage, soon perceiv'd by his steady and eager gazing on her, and the Sighs that sometimes would unpremeditatedly 'scape the Prison of his Bosom: yet as she had served many others, she seemed ignorant of his Passion, and careless of the offi­cious Services he render'd her, as he found Occasion to tender 'em in the most obliging manner, when he thought he might best nick the Critical Minute of gaining her Affections.

Now, some inquisitive Coxcomb or other may be desirous to know her Ex­tract and Quality: Wherefore, not to leave this Particular undiscuss'd, I shall (as far as I learn'd from her self, which, I believe, was all she knew) clear the Point, and give him Satisfaction

Though she had been well educated, her Birth was but mean, holding her Rank among the Taylor's Daughters of Orleance, the Place where she suck'd in her first Air; and was at twelve years old left to shift for her self, her Parents then stepping into the other World, and leaving her as much of this World, as by her Industry and Ingenuity she could procure of it, for a Portion, or Subsi­stence. She was, indeed, of a very preg­nant or sagacious Wit and Understand­ing, quick of Apprehension, and had a Memory very tenacious; so that having trudg'd on foot-back to Versailles, in a pretty janty Garb, she soon got into Ser­vice, at first, to tend a Lady's Child; and then to be Lawndry-Maid to Fair Lucinda, a Marquis's Daughter: and so perfectly, in little time, learn'd the Art of Wheedling and Flattery; which [Page 5] she carry'd on so smoothly, that ma­ny were insensibly drawn into a good liking of her facetious way of Discourse and Carriage; and so infascinated at length they were, that they found them­selves uneasie without her Company [...] Conversation, and therefore much co­veted it.

She was not slow in perceiving the Ascendant she had over them upon this account, and resolved to turn it to her Advantage. She had frequent B [...]bes from their amorous Admirers, to intro­duce them, deliver Letters, or plead their Love-sick Causes or Plaints to the Charm­ing Fair Ones: which she did in so op­portune and moving a time and manner, that Success usually attended her Endea­vours. She often, on the other hand, manag'd the Ladies Intreagues, and was conscious of their stoln Pleasures. She was (it being a thing very rarely found in the Sex) excellent at sealing up a Se­cret from the Eyes and Ears of babbling Fame; imprisoning what they intrusted her with, as securely in her Bosom, as a Silk-worm housed in a strong Box; and made it part of her business to secure [Page 6] their Honours and Reputations, to pro­vide them Country Retirements, and faithful Nurses, when Nature compell'd them to disburthen the Products of their stoln Pleasures; excusing their Absence, if Enquiry was made, by informing the Inquisitive, That my young Lady was gone to pass some Days with her Coun­trey Relations, at their Rural Mansions; a [...] sometimes she was sick, and could no [...] admit of Visitants; carrying it so demurely and serious in all her Expres­sions, that no ground was left to sur­mize: She told 'em an Aesop's Fable for a Veracity. But being young and sprite­ly, full of youthful Blood, gay and witty, she thought her Beauty suffer'd injury, not to be enjoyed as well as others; and thereupon set her Sprindgs, and threw out her Baits and Allurements for Wood­cocks and Gudgeons, where she perceiv'd any Game, or tendency to Sport or Pro­fit: and many she took, to her great Advantage; among the rest, a Mar­quis's Son; who (not to be tedious with you) finding, as I suppose, and as she never without Blushes deny'd, that he had given her so much Lambswooll, [Page 7] that her Belly began to swell; upon no­tice, my Father was fallen in Love with her, for his own Reputation (being then marry'd to a beautiful Lady) made up the Match, and gave them a conside­rable Farm to begin the World, as I may say, a new with. My Father, who had been a long time under the gripes of Necessity, was over-joy'd, that at last, as he thought, some propitious Star had smiled on him, or that he had now found his good Angel, and mightily hugg'd himself in the little revival of his Fortune; she having over and above brought him 400 Crowns gotten in Ser­vice, and the fore-mention'd intreaguing Businesses.

They liv'd very happily together, always Billing and Cooing like two Turtles, till at the end of five Months, being in bed with her, all on a sudden she was taken with a violent Pain, the true cause of which she could no longer dissemble, but taking him about the Neck, almost stiflng him with Kisses, and bedewing his Cheeks with Tears, intreated him to rise and call a Mid­wife. At this he started, and mutter'd [Page 8] his Resentments and Discontent between his Teeth; but finding that it was but too true, and that there was now no other remedy, out he jumps, and as secretly as he could, brought in the good Wo­men at a Back-door, as knowing what was done was past preventing; and to blow his Horns, would but disturb the Neighbours, at such an unseasonable hour. My Mother was active and live­ly; and in a short space, by the help of the Generation-Drawer, I crept thorough the narrow Passage of Nativity, into the World, having, contrary to the usual Birth of other Children, indiffe­rent long Hair on my Head; and when one of the Women went to clap me to her Breast, not suspecting any danger, the rest of the Gossips thought she had been falling in Labour too, and ex­pected more Hot-Suppings; for she roared out in a piteous manner, and would have thrown me from her Arms, but that, like a Wolf, I hung too fast by the Teeth at her Nipple, and made a crimson trickling descend her panting Hill of warm Snow; which presag'd what bloody work I would make before [Page 9] I have done with the VVorld. VVith much adoe, and the help of the Mid­wife's Bodkin, they made me quit my hold; and all of them wonder'd to see my Phangs so long and sharp, every one spending a Verdict on me, as their Fancies and Opinions led 'em, as to what these unusual Prodromo's might fore-run, or signifie, in the whole Series of my Life.

By this time, the VVeather being Cold, my Father advertised of his Spouse's safe Delivery, adventur'd into the Chamber, wrap'd in his Cloak, walking up and down in querpo, de­claring, by his furious Motion, and sullen Looks, he was much troubl'd at what had happen'd; which he fear'd would reflect upon him, and redound to his Disgrace and Affront. My Mother call'd often to him with abundance of honey VVords, as, My Dear, My Bird, My Chuck, &c. why are you so strange to me at this time; I prithee, Love, draw nearer, and kiss me. But all would not do, he answer'd her never a word, but still kept his Motion, with a wrinkled Fore-head, and bended Brows. [Page 10] The good VVomen seeing this, and not being ignorant of the Cause of his Di­sturbance, when in another case it would have been a Comfort and Delight to him, thinking to put him out of his Dumps, car­ry'd me, by this time, finely dress'd, and smiling, said, Pray, Monsieur, turn about, and look upon your hopeful Off-spring; your very Picture, I protest and vow: Oh, sweet Babe! Look here! Look here! its Fathers none Nose, Month, Chin, and every thing so like you!—A Pox! (reply'd he, muttering in a surly Tone) I know not but it may be like the Father; but then (fetching a deep Sigh, continu'd he) it can't be like me:—VVhy so? VVhy so? (says Mother Mid-night, who bore up briskly to him, and wanting her Fore-Teeth, sputter'd in his Face, through her earnestness of speaking.)—VVhat! (said he) a Five Month's Child, so large and lusty, and mine! Tell me no more on't (biting his Nails) it can never, never. be, (and then stampt and fretted?)—Not be! Not be! (reply'd she hastily, still pursuing him as he walk'd about,) Upon my corporal Ho­nesty, [Page 11] I protest it may be, and has been a hundred times, to my knowledge; therefore, pray Sir, have but patience to hear me, and I'll soon convince you. Ay! As how? As how? (said he, be­gining to lessen his Anger, and listen to her.)—VVhy (said she) Don't you see, VVheat is sowed in September, and yet it is but ripe in August? And, Don't every one that knows any thing of Countrey Affairs, see, that Barley sow'd in the beginning of March, is ripe as soon, or sooner; why, here's Five Month's difference in the Grain, and this pretty Babe here, want [...] but Four: Dod a blesh it and shaveit, this is a Barley Child, take my VVord for't; and as for the next, you need not doubt but it will be a VVheat Child; and therefore, pray Sir, set your Heart at rest, and be con­tented, and thankful for what God has sent you.

This a little clear'd up the angry; Cloud that hung on his Brow, threat­ning a Storm; and though he was not so ignorant, as altogether to credit the old Gypsey, yet finding he must acquiesce, and the sooner the better, [Page 12] he gave my Mother a reconciling Buss, or two, who crouded two Louid'ors into his Hand: with which going to the next Tavern, he wash'd away Sor­row from his Heart in good Com­pany.

BEing tumbled into the VVorld in the manner before recited, without (as I ever heard on) any Blazing-Stars, or Prodigie fore-running or attending my Birth, I was brought up by Hand: for a Suckler dreaded my sharp Phangs, as much as a Shipwreck'd Sailor, float­ing on the VVaves towards some friend­ly Shore, do's the meeting of a Shark; [Page 13] or the Egyptians, near Nilus, an Alle­gator. As I was of an extraordinary Bigness, when I thrust my Head out of Nature's dark Working-Room, being lustily cramm'd by my tender and in­dulgent Mother, I grew a-pace, and came to my Legs and Speech to Admi­ration, before Children that had been born a great many Months before me did, or were expected to do; so that many Persons made it their business to pretend sham-Errants to our House, on no other purpose than to see me: and the Lasses took a singular pleasure in doudling, kissing me, and feeling my Cock; which, in Infancy, promised what it has since performed to the Sa­tisfaction of the Fair Sex.

I no sooner was so fledg'd, that I could run about without a Rowler or Leading-strings; but a great Lady pas­sing by our Gate in her Coach, eying me narrowly, was mightily taken with my Physiognomy, and pretty manner of Tatling to my diminutive Play-Fellows; who calling me to her, and almost smothering me with Kisses, demanded whose pretty Boy I was? Nor could [Page 14] she forbear smiling, when instead of an Answer to her Demand, seeing her de­licate white Breasts, meander'd with Azure Veins, rendring them very charm­ing and tempting to my Eyes, I fell not only to nuzling, but stroaking and play­ing with them: At last, she got out of me, who my Father and Mother were; and understood, by my pointing to the House, the place of their Abode. It seems, this beautiful Creature was, by her own ambitious Inclination to Ho­nour, and the Perswasion of her Parents, marry'd to an old fumbling Count; with whom she had liv'd five Years without any Child, or hopes of having one by him; and therefore, to upbraid his Impotency, or stir him up, if possible, to a more active Vigour, or frequenter Repetition of the Lesson she lov'd, she was desirous to have me to set as a Pat­tern before his Eyes, and thereupon or­der'd her gaudy glittering four Wheel'd Movement to drive nearer to our Door.

My Father and Mother happening to be at home, wonder'd what great Visitant this might be; but more, when [Page 15] they saw her hugging their hopeful Issue in her Arms: They accosted her with what Complements, on a sudden, bolted into their Heads; and she return'd them suitable Civilities: but when she came to start the Question, of parting with me, and what Great Things she would do for me, my Mother, whose Darling I was (though by this time she had ano­ther Son) seemed very averse to it: But my Father, who seldom looked on me with pleasing Eyes, it still running in his Mind, that I was none of his Beget­ting, was more attentive to her Dis­course; and prevail'd with my Mother, that within ten days I should be sent to her Ladyship; she, by reason of her great Quality, not being unknown to either of them: And so having given me a fervent Kiss, or two, and clapping a small Necklace of Pearl, as an Ear­nest of her Kindness, about my Neck, she took her leave, highly satisfy'd in this Adventure.

She was no sooner gone, but my Mother, dropping some Tears, repented her Consent; and laboured, by many Arguments and Perswasions, to have [Page 16] revok'd and null'd it: But my Father, more willing to be rid of me, perswaded her to acquiesce in a Separation that pro­mised so much, not only to mine, but, as he strongly urged, the Advancement of our Family; and accordingly I was sent, under the safe Conduct of Margery our Maid; and fancy'd I became, as it were, the adopted Son of Pharaoh's Daughter.

The old Lord, I perceiv'd at my first arrival, was a little doubtful whether his young Lady had told him the truth; or that being sensible of his Inabilities, it might be her own Off-spring by some dusty Lover, upon his absence on an Embassie, at the time he fancy'd I might be made and brought into the World. But upon a sober Enquiry, and the coming of my Mother to visit me, this blew over, and he found himself oblig'd, in Honour, to crave Madam's Pardon for his unjust Suspicion; and I was splen­didly cloathed, entertained, and at­tended; and by my pretty Discourse, and little Apish Tricks, diverted my Lady in her Fits of Melancholy, more than her Buffoon, or Monkey: and for [Page 17] my better Accomplishment, being ar­riv'd at my Tenth Year, without many other remarkable Transactions of my Life, that no Qualifications might be wanting in me worthy of acquiring, and for the Improvement of Education, I was put under the Tuition of a famous Peda­gogue, or School-Master, who spared no Correction for the benefit or furthe­rance of Instruction.

I learn'd to read and write French pretty tollerable the first Year; and by conversing with an Italian Youth, I pretty well understood that Language: but the next Year, being put to the dull Grammatical Methods and Rules of Scholastical Education, it grew tiresom to me, my magnanimous Spirit being by Nature exalted above it; yet having with great difficulty, in another Peram­bulation of the Sun through the Twelve Signs of the Zodiack, crouded my self into the company of Adverbs, Preposi­tions, and Interjections, &c. with which I did so kick, cuff & scuffle, that notwith­standing my Master gave all possible Assistance to his Disciple, yet he found the Opponents too crabbed to be over­come: [Page 18] which unhappy Contests fre­quently ended in most cruel Flagella­tions, that made me but the more stub­born and regardless, though he plough'd and furrow'd my tender Buttocks, till they carry'd the Marks and Characters of all Languages on them. Shame, and desire of Revenge, stopt my Complaints, or my good-natur'd Lady would not have suffer'd me to have undergone such Severities: which Revenge, as sweet to me as Eggs and Muscadine, I accomplish'd before I intended to take my Farewell, as will appear in the next Chapter.

CHAP. III.

TO divert the Trouble my Master's Severity put me into, I bent my stu­dy upon all manner of boyish Recreations, and became very expert therein, beyond the rest of my Companions, as Tipcat, Cricket, Span-Farthing, Skittle-Pins, Cudgels, Wrestling, and the like; by which, over and above the Allowance I had from my Lady, whom rarely I went to visit, but she crouded a Crown into my Hand at parting, I gained con­siderably in Money and Experience; and finding my old Pedegogue covetous, [Page 20] I fell into a dextrous way to buy off my Faults with Presents of curious Fruits, and choice Wines, which I pretended my Mother, or my Lady, had sent me, and sometimes, he being none of the richest or best Husbands, with Money I suggested to have found in the streets; which so charm'd him, that much of my usual Punishment was abated, though my Learning made no better progress; yet I heinously resenting how scurvily he had used me, the desire of Revenge still run in my Mind and I was resolved, in some measure or other, to cry quits with him at parting.

I cast in my mind various ways how to bring it about: sometimes one Pro­ject liked me, and then another jostled it out of the way; some seemed easie to be accomplished, others presented them­selves in frightful Idea's, full of Hazard and Danger, and very difficult to be brought about, and me to come off with safety; insomuch, that although I was very quick at Invention, especially of Mischief, which my School-fellows had frequently experienc'd, to their smart and loss: yet here, I confess, I [Page 21] was at a plunge; but not long after, a [...]ucky, or unlucky Hit (call it which you please) came into my Noddle, though somewhat, as yet, undigested, and not well shapen: I had observed the oldest of our Scholars, who had arriv'd at nine­teen years of age, and was substituted by my Master, sometimes, as a kind of an Usher to supply his Place, when he had a mind to be among his toping Compa­nions, and by his Complaints, had many times caused me a smarting, to have a leer­ing Inclination towards my Mistress, who being spritely and gay, in her youthful Blood, and before, his Chamber-Maid, had marry'd the Dotard for a more cer­tain and regular Subsistance, and larger Command, and that she had not declin'd the Civilities the young Amorist omit­ted no Occasion to tender her. I con­cluded, upon these Observations there must be something more than ordinary in the winding up of the bottom, and therefore became a more intent and di­ [...]igent Spy upon their Actions, critically marking their Glances, Smiles and Winks, and scrutenizing the nicest Symbols of Love, till I verily believed my Master [Page 22] was very near, if not already enter'd the Kingdom of Cuckoldom; then I began to contrive Ginns and Snares to catch him in the uneasie and dangerous Trap of Jealousie; and by degrees, led him into greater Mishaps and Perturbations, if possible.

One Evening, my Mistress feigned her self indispos'd, and would needs go to bed sooner than ordinary; which made me more sedulous in putting my self on the watch for a further Discovery: and thereupon, sneaking up before her, as soft as if I had trod upon Eggs, I was soon conceal'd behind the Arras. She was scarcely enter'd, and in a Posture charming enough to receive her Lover, but I heard one trip up Stairs, and give a gentle rap or two at the Door. Upon this, she jumpt out of Bed, and gave ad­mittance to the Party I had all along suspected to be more welcome to her Arms than my Master. Having almost stifled him with Kisses, and whisper'd many endearing Expressions into his Ear; for it seems, being one of Cupid's Novices, he was somewhat bashful in encountering these Enjoyments, he [Page 23] quickly unstript, and his lovely Venus as soon infolded him in her Arms; and so they began a Citizen's galloping pace at his first setting out; but after fre­quent Repetitions, tired and satiated with sweet Enjoyments, after some pretty Murmurings, and Love-toying, so long a silence ensu'd, that I con­cluded them a-sleep; and so intending to steal away undiscover'd, and send up my Master, I crept from 'em as silent as a Ghost: but as I was going out, 'spying a Glew-Pot over a glimmering Fire in the Chimney, left there by the forgetfulness of the Joiner, who had been cementing the disjointed Frame of a great Looking glass that stood in the Room, another Whim came into my Head; for perceiving their Opticks fast closed, I with a gentle Hand stroak'd them over with the glutinous Materials; and leaving them in that Condition, I lock'd the Door on the out-side, and crept down Stairs as softly as I ascended. I thought indeed to have found old Ram­head in his Study, where sometimes he was wont to sit up late; but peeping through the Key-hole, and perceiving [Page 24] no Light, nor hearing that snoaring he usually made if he fell a-sleep, and sur­fer'd his Candle to burn out, I con­cluded he was not there; but coming into the Kitchen, I heard the Cook-Maid say, I must go lay the Key for my Master; for he's a sucking at the Tavern among the old Gang, and I be­lieve he will not come home till his usual hour of Twelve. This gave larger scope to my Invention; and pretending to go to Bed, as the rest did, I, however, crept down to prepare for his Recep­tion, when he should enter. In the first place, I drew up a Trap-Door in an Entry he was to pass, made for the conveniency of emptying or cleansing the Sink and Bog-house, which run under it, and then planted my self be­hind the Outward-Door, with a fright­ful sort of Vizard tied over my Face, with a Cap on, to which a pair of Horns were fixed, that we had sometimes used in our private Masquerading; and lest my Cloaths should be know, I had stript over my Shoulders an old cast Black Crape Petticoat; and having a small Rocket in my Breeches, the remainder [Page 25] of the last publick Fire-work Enter­tainment, with my Pocket-Tinder­box I struck, fire, and tinded my Match.

Being thus accouter'd, he came some­what sooner than I expected; and by his grunting, and fumbling for the Key under the Door, I perceiv'd he was some­what sucky, or addle-Pated: at length he open'd it, yet advanc'd but a few steps e're he blunder'd over me, who had laid my self as a Stumbling-block in his way, and miserably broke his Face a­gainst the Pavement; but before he had time to make any noise, I had got up and fired my Rocket; by the light of which unexpected fuze, lifting up his batter'd Forehead, and seeing my dread­ful Form, concluded me to be no other than the first-begotten of Belzebub, come to punish him for his sins of the Bottle; upon which, bolting up at a leap, Fear adding Wings to his Feet, he fled a­main, crying out, The Devil! The Devil! Help! Help! He has me! He has me! whilst I pursu'd with a Fire-drake at his Tail, crying with a hollow and hoarse Voice, through a Kecks, Thou art mine, [Page 26] Thou art mine; and with me you shall go to the Shades Below.

I had scarce ended these Words, but the Trap took him, and down he plung'd into the Filth, over Head and Ears; when throwing the unspent part of my Rocket, which till then I held in my Hand, af­ter him, I shut down the Door upon him, and was got to my Chamber just as it gave the Bounce; which being just above the Place, I could hear him bellow out hideously, I'm in Hell! I'm in Hell! Oh, Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! Which doleful Noise alarm'd the nearest of the Servants, and they rouz'd others; and, to be brief, being directed where he was by the the Noise he continually made, they lifted up the Pit-fall, and drew him out, like another Joseph, in a miserable stinking Condition, almost senseless, through Fear and Stench, won­dring how, possibly, he could come there, the Door being shut so close down: but as soon as they had given him some Spirits to revive him, he frightfully look­ing about with abrupt Stammerings and Hesitation, assur'd them, That a mon­strous stump-footed Devil, in a horrid [Page 27] shape, vomiting flames of Fire, had seiz'd him, just as he enter'd the Door, and was carrying him that way, as he believ'd, [...]o his Infernal Region; but, upon saying an Ave-Maria, the Daemon quitted his hold, and vanish'd in a Clap of Thunder, that had sindg'd his Whis­kers.

His Fear being a little dissipated, the pickle he was in, made not only him­self, but all that were about him, uneasie, till they had put him into a Bucking-Tub under the Pump, and scrubb'd him into somewhat a more sweet and cleanly Condition. Whilst this was doing, and I not perceiving my Mistress and her Lover all this while to stir, resolved, now I had begun, to go thorough-stitch with my Roguery; and therefore, taking an End of Candle that stood by me, I light it by the help of my Tinder-box, put it in a Dark-Lanthorn, and creep­ing undiscover'd near their Apartment, set an old tatter'd Map of the World, pasted on Canvass, and hanging in the Stair-case, on fire: and being sure, that before it could do any harm, it would be discover'd by the blazing Light, and so [Page 28] concluding I had made Fire-works enough, I crept to Bed again; which I had no sooner done, but my Ears were saluted with the noise of Fire! Fire! and and could hear my Old Master roar out in his Bucking-Tub, He's come again! He's come again! and will have me! I see his Sawcer-Eyes glaring thorough the Case­ment! and as a Charm against the sup­posed Fury, mumbl'd over divers Pas­sages in the Rosary, and rattl'd his Beads.

The Noise of Fire alarm'd the Watch, and they came thund'ring at the Outer-Door; and had the sooner admittance, because those of the Servants who, per­haps, did not suppose it to be the Devil, nor his Dam, fancy'd there might be Thieves in the House. The Night-Governour no sooner advanc'd with his Guard of Bilbo-Blades, but my Master took a little Courage, as supposing now, having Authority on his side, they were strong enough to scuffle with Lucifer himself, should he make any further At­tempt or Disturbance: but perceiving his dear Wife had not appear'd during all this Noise, Hurry and Confusion, he fell into dreadful Apprehensions, that [Page 29] Demigorgon, in his retreat, might have catcht her napping, and taken her for him, or that, at least, some other mis­chief might have befaln her, and so flouncing out of his Tub (like Lazarillo de Tormes, in his escape, when he was taken and show'd for a monstrous Sea-Fish) he pray'd the Man of Authority, and his Janizary-Tribe, to go with him to the Chamber of his Sweeting; yet Fear so shook him, that he strain'd Courtesie to make them the Front, that he might have the honour to be in the Front, if they should have occasion to face-about.

Their Leaden-heel'd trampling up Stairs, and a bounce or two at the Door, made the two Lovers start out of their sweet and pleasant Dreams; and just as the Door was opened, (for the Key was still on the out-side) they leaped out of Bed in their Shifts; and not being able to see, their Eyes being so fast glew'd, but hearing a great num­ber of Voices, verily suppos'd them Thieves and Murtherers, who had kill'd the rest of the Family, and were come to dispatch them last; wherefore, running [Page 30] skreaming about the Room, as supposing themselves in the dark, tho' several Lights were brought in, in seeking for shelter, they tumbl'd headlong over the Stools and Chairs, which I had set out of rank for some such purpose; so that my Mi­stress's delicate white Buttock turn'd up, and she produc'd her Ace of Trumps for Highest, by rolling over; whilst her young Amorist, being hindermost, and taking his turn at tumbling, pitch'd directly over a Chair, with his Head be­tween her Haunches.

Those that saw them at these Vagaries, and they not hearkning to what they said, took them to be a couple of di­stracted Persons; till my Master com­ing in, and putting on his Spectacles, perceiv'd how the Game had gone, and like a good-natur'd Husband, though it fretted his Gall, to be privately injur'd, and publickly disgrac'd, hasted to cover his dear Wife's naked Beauty, which lay too temptingly expos'd to vulgar Eyes, by carrying her into Bed, and throwing the Cloaths over her. Hearing her Husband's Voice, she was a little com­forted, as knowing now this was not [Page 31] the last hour she had to live, nor the last time she shou'd serve him so, but with hopes of better luck than to be so basely betray'd into a Disgrace, by over-drow­siness; yet she alledg'd, she knew not how his Scholar (who was all this while upon his Knees begging Mercy and For­giveness) came into her Chamber, or how their Eyes came to be shut up, un­less it was by Witchcraft: Which the old indulgent Coxcomb comparing with what had befaln himself, either that he believ'd it, or that he feign'd he did so, to hide the Shame, and hinder these Passages, as much as he could, from being made publick, concluded, at that time it was so; and dismissing the Watch with Money and Thanks, intreating them not to scatter any Words abroad of what they had heard and seen. But they were no Privy-Counsellors; for in a short time, all the neighbouring Places rung of these Adventures

Warm Milk was immediately brought to unseal the Eyes of these blinded Lo­vers; which, with much rubbing, struggling and pain, open'd their Op­ticks (like our First Parents, in Paradise, [Page 32] when fallen, to blush the more at what they had offended in.) My Master surpressing his Anger, said no more of it that Night, but order'd the young Gamester to his Bed, and went himself to another, as not being yet sweeten'd and air'd sufficiently to come between my Mistress's Arms, though she Com­plementally desir'd it; but with what Sincerity you may imagine.

Early in the Morning he came to his Spouse, having broke his Rest by a thousand Fancies and Imaginations run­ning all night in his Head, and labour'd to get out of her the Truth of the Mat­ter, in Generals or Particulars: But she being a cunning Baggage, and having a great ascendant over his Credulity, persisted, it was done by Witchcraft; and she knew no more how it otherwise came about, than the Man in the Moon. Resolving not to give it over so, he goes to the Youngster, and beginning to ex­amine him, bid him freely confess, as he hoped for Pardon; for his Mistress had declar'd, That when he crept to Bed to her, she was deceiv'd, and knew not but it was him, her Husband. The [Page 33] Noddy thinking this to be true, and fearing a Rape, at least, would be laid to his Charge, fell on his Knees, and declar'd, his Mistress tempted him to these Enjoyments, by urging the Im­potency of her Husband, and that this was not the first by an hundred times. At this my Old Master being inrag'd, as supposing him to be the Contriver of the Mischiefs that had befaln himself, drags him into the School, calls in his Man; and having ty'd our young Cuckold­maker, Hand and Foot, cross a Table, immediately lock'd up his Wife, to pre­vent a Rescue; and he fell to cooling his Courage, at such a thrashing rate, on his Buttocks, that after the tiring him­self, and the expence of two Brooms, he left such bloody Remembrances, as neither Bridewell, or the Cart's-tail, ever produc'd.

My Mistress hearing the miserable Outcry her distressed Gallant made, at last ventur'd out at the Window, by the Sheets tied together, and came and un­bound him, being ready to swoon away at so piteous a Sight: And (to be brief) soon after they so plotted, that he going [Page 34] away in discontent, she robb'd my Master of all his Money, Plate, and richest Things, and follow'd her abler Gamester to Places of freer Enjoyment: Insomuch, that Grief soon after cast my Pedagogue into a Fever, and that cast him into the Grave, and gave me the Revenge and Liberty, with as fine a Come-off as ever I could have wished, and much better than I could reasonably have expected, though I could have been contented my Old Master had had more Wit than to have dwindl'd into the other World upon so slight Occasion: yet I have ever made it my Observations, That such as ty­rannize over prostrate Creatures have neither Hearts nor Courage to face or sustain Crosses or Afflictions, when they press hard upon themselves.

CHAP. IV.

VVE poor Scholars, upon my Master's Exit into I know not what World, though not at the usual Tides or Festivals Breaking-up, had a long Jubilee, and return'd to our sun­dry Habitations. As for my part, my charitable Lady received me with as much Kindness as she did when my lucky Stars threw me first in her way: which, in Gratitude, constrain'd me to a double-Diligence in obliging her, as far as my tender Years capacitated me. She deck'd me now with finer Plumes than ever, constituting me her Page to wait on her at Home and Abroad. And [Page 37] my Lord was no less pleas'd with my little Waggeries, spending some Hours, in Winter-Nights, to hear me run on in Discourse of Childish Recreations; and if I bolted out any thing that made my Lady fall into a Fit of Laughter, he seemed over-joy'd; for he Lov'd her entirely, even to Doating; and when, at any time, she was discomposed, he suited his Humour to sympathize with her in Melancholy: for, indeed, she was a very Curious Creature, Cast in one of Nature's choicest Moulds; so that when she was Form'd, no doubt, our General Dame cry'd, A Lucky Hit; and reserv'd her as a Pattern of Beauty.

Young as I was, I could seldom, when in her Presence, keep my Eyes fixed upon any other Object. I had heard much Talk of Venus; and I concluded, if there was a Rarity in Creation, of that Sex, this must be she. Thus, in my Childish Imaginations, I form'd Idea's to my self; and that so strongly, that finding her, one day, sleeping upon a Couch, I took the boldness to rumple her ruby Lips with Kisses. At which she wak'd, and smiled; yet blamed my [Page 38] Presumption, and told me, I must not presume to offer any more such unbe­coming Rudeness, lest I forfeited the Esteem and Favours she had bestowed upon me.

Abash'd with this Reprimand, which, however had something of Mildness and Serenity in it, I retir'd at an aweful distance, and bending one Knee to the Ground, humbly implor'd her Pardon for my unadvised Rashness. Well, said she, I give it you, and take it as only proceeding from the Effects of youthful Folly, but beware how you transgress any more in this nature. I promis'd her I would not, but ever ob­serve my Distance and Respect to her Ladyship She could not forbear smiling at the Simplicity of my Excuse; and so with some Cringes and Scrapes I quitted her Retiring-Room, and left her to her Repose.

The next Morning, she gave Order I should wait on her Abroad. At which I was not a little over-joy'd, as conceit­ing, like those in the Frozen North, upon the Suns retiring, all was gloomy and dark when she withdrew herself [Page 39] from my sight; yet was so ignorant, that I protest I knew not then to what my Desires tended, being, as I may say, in Embrio, a formless and disorder'd Chaos, or Confusion, till maturer Years had polish'd my green Understanding.

The Coach being ready about Ten in the Morning Abroad we went, and my Lady payed Visits to divers Persons of Honour, without any long stay; till at last, coming to a great Countess's House, very pleasant and delightful in its curious Situation and Gardens, re­sembling the Primitive Paradise; she resolv'd not only to dine there, but spend a part of the Heat of the Day under the Umbrage of those cool and spreading Shades: of which I was not a little glad, for my Belly grumbl'd for an An­tidote against Emptiness. Our Enter­tainment was very sumptuous, and va­rious Discourses pass'd of State Affairs, and sometimes of Amorous Intreagues. I, though I Waited, and a Stranger, not being minded, by way of Scruple, by reason of my Nonnage; yet as little as I seemed to regard it, I could perceive my Lady smile, with her dazling Eyes, [Page 40] on a florid brisk young Caveliero, and many interchangeable Glances pass'd between them; and having heard him nam'd, I concluded, by what had been re­ported of my Mother upon my so sudden coming into the World, for whose sake it was that she kindly entertain'd me; for this Gallant, upon a more strict En­quiry, in which I was not wanting among the Servants, proved to be the very Man that Fame had whisper'd a­broad for my True Father: The Con­ceit of which did not a little swell my Pride; for I was naturally Ambitious, and, methoughts, had a Mind that soar'd at things above my reach. Once or twice I thought to take an opportunity to lay Claim to him before we parted from that House; but then Fear and Shame check'd my Resolves, and some­thing within me commanded me to wave it, lest being mistaken, I repented my sawcy Presumption: so that leaving, him and my Lady, as I was comman­ded, for the more privacy of Discourse in the Walks, after Dinner, I went to take a View of the Apartments, ram­bling up and down by my self, admiring [Page 41] now the curious Pictures on the Stair­cases, and in the Galleries; then the cu­rious Fret-work, and gilded Cielings; by and by, the curious Painted Glass in the Windows; till passing many stately Rooms, I at last came into the Dormi­tory, or Sleeping-Apartment for the Ser­vants; and what should my Eyes fix on, as the first Object, but a huge Two-handed Fat Fryer, of the Order (as I perceived by his Habit) of St. Francis, lying on a Couch on the Ground, fast asleep, and snoaring like a Rattle-Snake; and what­ever pleasant Dream, of the Confession of some pretty wanton Wench, had come into his Head, I know not, but his Label of Mortality, he decumbing on his Back, had broke Prison; and, May-Pole like, disdain'd its Stateliness should be hid. I was upon this, once or twice, about to call the Maids to take Measure of it; but being in a strange Place, I knew not whether it might be taken for a Jest, or an Affront; and therefore thought it better to leave him in such a Rampant Posture, than to expose his Vigour to the Longing Appetites of buxom Lasses: But to further my mischievous Design, [Page 42] and compell Father Shaveling to sing Ave-Maria backward, to the Tune of, The Millers Gelding the Devil, in a little House hard by, I heard a Calf blating, as bemoaning the Absence of his Dam: whereupon lifting up the Latch, I loosed him from his Stall and brought him to the Priest, to make his Confession of being an Hungry; and guided him so near, that he soon espied what I directed him to: which he taking for his Mammy's Teat, greedily seiz'd it, and fell to tugging, frisking his Tail, and soft blating, till he had lugg'd Sir Domine off the Couch. In the mean while, having softly tied his Legs and Hands, to prevent his disen­gaging himself, I writ upon a Board over­against him, with a Phosphoros, Woe be to you Whoremongers! which immediately, as it's nature is, fell into a Blue Flame, burning in large Characters, plain and legible, which the Darkness of the Place render'd more dreadful. Upon which, I vanish'd, to listen, at a distance, un­discover'd, what might be the Event.

This Babe of a Cow, as I suppose, find­ing no Milk come, suck'd and nibbl'd so hard, that he wak'd the drousie Priest; [Page 43] who seeing himself thus surpriz'd, and the dreadful Hand-Writing on the Wall, betwixt Pain and Fear, made him roar out, like Perillus in Phalarus's Brazen Bull. Which alarming the Maids in the Pantry, they came running to see what the Matter was: But seeing their ghostly Father so entangl'd, and seiz'd on by a Cloven-sooted Creature, and the harm­less Flame still burning (its nature being so to continue about a Quarter of an Hour) they run out skreaming; whilst he, in a lamentable Tone, cry'd after them, to bring his Pot of Holy-Water, to douse the supposed Daemon, and send him packing to the Red Sea.

The Noise these Wenches made, brought several young Ladies, and the rest of the Servants: who understand­ing the Cause of the Out cry and Di­sturbance, peep'd in at the Door, but durst adventure no further; till with much struggling, the good Father got loose, and came running out among them, Crossing himself, the Calf still following at his Breech, pushing him forward, and nuzling in search of the mistaken Teat; which now depriv'd of [Page 44] its Vigour, hung dangling out; which caus'd the Females to scamper and squeek: but one of the Men-Servants, more bold than the rest, perceiving the Priest's Errour, laid hold on the Four­footed Animal: which undeceiving the Assembly, turn'd their Panick Fear into loud Laughter.

The Priest, upon this, bit his Thumbs, raged, stampt and fretted, drawing his Knife, to take bloody Revenge upon his Affronter; but was hinder'd, and the Matter excus'd, as happening by Acci­dent, through the Innocency and Mi­stake of the Beast; but how the strange flaming Hand-Writing came, they were at a loss to define, some of them con­cluding this happen'd as a Judgment to discover the Secret Sins of the Con­fessor. However, it made a great Noise in the Family, so that the Priest, through Shame and Anger, shut him up in his Chamber, and appear'd no more that day in publick, though he was often sent for to Prayers.

My Lady, upon our going Home, perceiving me laughing heartily at what had pass'd, and knowing how I was en­clin'd [Page 45] to Archness and Waggery, charg'd me to tell her if I had any hand in the Matter. When not being able to con­ceal any thing from her, I told her plainly how I had manag'd the In­treague, with all the Circumstances that attended the Adventure. At which she could not forbear smiling and blushing: and when we come to our Mansion, it served for Table-Talk at Supper; and so tickled my Old Lord's Fancy, that with straining too much in an excessive Fit of Laughter, he bepist himself, and was forc'd to hasten into the Laundry for a dry Clout; which proved a new Subject for Merriment.

CHAP. V.

NExt Opportunity I had to wait on my Lady in private, she demanded whether I was willing to go with the young Gentleman that walk'd with her in the Garden, to travel? urging how much it would be to my Advantage, for the seasoning and accomplishing my Youth with all those Qualifications that might hereafter render me accep­table to my Superiors. At this, I fix'd my Eyes on the Ground, and appear'd melancholy; not but that I had a great Desire to Ramble, but thought it intol­lerable to be divorc'd, by a tedious Exile, to foregoe the Pleasure I took in gazing on her Charming and Angelical Features. [Page 47] But she urg'd it so far, that at last I consented, if my Mother's Approbation might be had. Which she undertook to procure; and with some difficulty she yielded; and the rather, because her Husband, my reputed Father, had sworn to be the death of me, if ever I came in his way, for saying, among my quondam School-fellows, when they upbraidingly started a Suspicion of my Legitimacy, That I had rather be accounted the Base Son of that Noble Lord they twitted me with, than the True Off-spring of that pitiful Pimping Cuckold, Monsieur Ra­goue: Which unadvised Words, foolishly let drop, were so loudly babbl'd abroad, that by one means or other it came to his Ear. My Mother and I thereupon, parted with Tears; and the next Day, the young Lord de Villeroy, Son to the Mar­quis of that Name (for such I found him to be) came to our House with a very splendid Equipage, to take his leave of my Old Lord, but especially of my Young Lady, who was his Kinswoman at some distance: and understanding, as he desired, I was to accompany him, he seem'd mightily pleas'd; and more, [Page 48] when asking me divers Questions, he found me endow'd with singular Natu­ral Parts, and a prompt Wit. My loving Lady caused her Steward to furnish me with all things necessary, and a Cock-horse I mounted. Far we had not rid, but feeling in the Pockets of my Horse-man's Coat, I found a Box, and in it Forty Luid'ors, or Seventeen and six­penny Pieces of Gold. I presently knew the fair Hand from whence they came, and bless'd my lucky Stars, and her more bright in my Eyes than any Constella­tion, whose Bounty had rain'd this shower of Gold upon me.

We travell'd through divers fair and pleasant Countreys, took a View of many stately Cities and Burroughs: and I observ'd, in all the Places where we Lodg'd and Inn'd, my Lord had a more peculiar Regard of me, than of any other of his Retinue; which, he told me, was for my Lady's sake, who had tenderly recommended me to his Care. Passing the huge rugged Al­pine Mountain, by that narrow Passage that leads out of France, I perceived, though the Weather was extreme Hot [Page 49] at the Bottom, we were on the Top, as in a Winter-season, the Air being Thin and Sharp; the Snow, though in the Middle of Summer, lay thick, and undissolv'd in divers Valleys, or Hol­lows of the Rock; and in heavy lowr­ing Weather, a Sea of Watry Clouds floated beneath us; the Sun shining, and all being serene and calm over our Heads. In four Days we passed those mighty Mountains, and enter'd Italy; it being his purpose to visit that once Fa­mous Country in times past, renown'd for its pleasant Situation and Fertility throughout the VVorld, but now, through the Pride and Contention of the Nobi­lity [...] Laziness of the Commonalty, and [...] [...]ope's of Rome's Usurpation and Tyranny over a great part of the most flourishing Provinces, it is much de­cay'd, and its Grandeur dwindl'd into scarcely any thing that may be com­par'd to its former State and Tran­quillity, many Castles and Villages lying waste and ruinated, without Inhabi­tants or Owners; so that the Roads, by reason of the Banditti, and other sorts of Outlaws, Robbers, and Rapparees, [Page 50] are very dangerous to travel without a strong Guard, especially by Strangers who are unacquainted with such Turn­ings as may enable them to avoid their usual Lurking-places; as I found by woful Experience, which sufficiently punish'd me for my former VVagge­ries, but harden'd and prompted me in greater Mischiefs.

VVe passed to the Confines of Naples▪ without meeting with any considerabl [...] Adventures worth relating, unless [...]ome uneasie Quarters▪ for one time, missing of a Guide, and mistaking our Road▪ we fell short of any convenient Tow [...] or Village capable to receive us; so tha [...] the Sun being down, my Lord order'd one of his Servants to call [...] a few straggling Houses, to see if they could afford us any Entertainment: The chie [...] of 'em appear'd to be a kind of an Inn▪ and to that they made their first Address▪ The Master, upon our calling, cam [...] out in an old tatter'd Shepherd's Coat▪ and being dimm-sighted, clapt his Spectacles on his Nose, the better to discer [...] what we were; and seeing our Equ [...] page above the ordinary Rank, wi [...] [Page 51] many obliging Scrapes and Cringes, told us his House was at our Service, and we should be very well entertain'd. It growing dark, my Lord accepted of his Proffer, and so we dismounted: but when he perceiv'd the Hangings con­sisted only of Cobwebs, and the other Furniture not much unanswerable to them, he would have been gone, had he not been assur'd there was no better Conveniency within Three Leagues; and the Night was not only dark, and much over-cl [...]ded, but that by the Rain, that then began to fall in greater Showers, were promis'd greater Incon­veniences, besides the threatned Danger of the VVay; and I being very much tired, was glad of an Opportunity to rest me; but more over-joy'd, when I saw the Pot over the Fire, verily con­cluding before, that that had been Fast­ing-Night, and we must have gone Sup­perless to Bed, not expecting any Pro­visions in such a Place, at such a time of Night.

Our Landlord having VVelcom'd my Lord, and his Retinue, with such Com­plements as he had, order'd the Cloth [Page 52] immediately to be laid in the Parlour, and a great Bustle there was in the House to put Things in pimlico; when all on a sudden my Landlady cry'd out, she had not Chairs or Stools enough, and so sent her Daughter to the Neigh­bours a borrowing; but they being as slenderly provided, she could procure only a Form on which they used to kill Hogs; and that it might come least in sight, was planted at the Lower-end of the Table, whither the Light of our one Candle shin'd but very faintly.

For the Conveniency of our Horses, I should have told you before, the Hogs were made Close-Prisoners, being crou­ded together into a little Hole that used to serve for a Dog-Kennel. These things appear'd a little odd, as very un­usual to us; but where there is no better to be had, it is Prudence to rest contented. And now Supper being taken up, and set on the Table, we were invited in; and what should we find, but every one a VVooden Bowl or Dish, with a Spoon in it of the same Metal, full of Ola Podrida, a kind of Pottage made of several sorts of Herbs, [Page 53] and a little Minc'd Meat to savour it, that our Landlord himself, without the help of an Herbal, could never have found 'em out, at least, by their Names. My Lord, who was not used to such Diet, and had order'd us strictly to con­ceal his Quality, lest, as is usual, there should be any Treachery in the People of the House, who suspecting, by that means, he had great Riches about him, might give Notice to some Gangs a­broad, order'd us all to sit down, rather to please my Host and Hostess, than any Stomach he had to this First and Last Course; for, upon Enquiry, we found there was no Second: nor had they now had such Sumptuous Dyet (as they term'd it,) but that their Daughter's Sweet-heart had made a Promise to come with divers Friends, and in the Morning to Marry her; but had just then sent Word, and could not perform his Promise.

We, however, having keen Appetites, eat a little; partly to still the grouling of our empty Guts, and partly in Com­placency. As for Drink, there was not any but Adam's Ale, VVhey, and about [Page 54] two Gallons of Milk, in all the Hamlet: with the first and the latter mix'd toge­ther we made our Beverage; our Host, his Spouse, and Daughter, fed lustily, and carous'd Fair-Water as savourly as if it had been the best Hock, or Lan­goon Such is the Advantage of Use to Mankind, that being accustom'd to a Diet, it suffices Nature, and become; pleasant. The Wooden Utensils, and the other Table-Materials, being re­mov'd, the Damsel, who was well-Complexion'd, well-Featur'd, and of a Middle Stature, taking the Sign from her Old Dad, sung very sweetly, and had in it much Skill and Judgment: With which, I perceiv'd, my Lord was better pleas'd, than with his Commons: I could perceive them talk with the Lan­guage of her Eyes, and took an Oppor­tunity to whisper something into her Ear: At which she seem'd rather re­joyc'd, than displeas'd; and I have since been inform'd, That People, in those Parts, keeping such Houses on the Road, are glad if they can Oblige a Noble Guest, to make him Liberal; even their Wives, if tollerably Handsom and Young, [Page 55] or otherwise, their Daughters, will creep to Bed to them, with the least Hint, it will not displease them; and I am not mistaken, if, I say, my Lord, to make the Night pass the pleasanter in so hard a Lodging, did not Tap the Vessel her expected Bridegroom was to have Broach'd the next Morning; for I heard bare Feet come patting up Stairs when he was a Bed But lest I prove too te­dious, Bed-time being come, a greater Bustle was made; for the House afforded but Three, and those very scurvy ones, and we were Ten, besides the Family. My Lord, we knew, expected to have one to himself, and another kind of a Bed-fellow (as I before hinted) than any of us. The Host, his Wife and Daugh­ter, for our better Accommodation, ge­nerously offer'd, the VVeather being warm, to take up their Night's Quar­ters on a heap of Rushes; and after a while, another Bed was procur'd abroad for three of our Companions; and so we hasted to our several Cabbins: That to which I, and two of my Companions, were destined, was the most exalted, being one degree advanc'd above the [Page 56] Garret, or a Cavity between the Ridges and the Rasters, the general Randezvous of Rats and VVeesels; to ascend to which, we went up a Ladder but of a very few Steps; then popt thorough a Trap door, like a Play house Devil from under the Stage, it being a curious Inner-Room, and no Partition but the Pan-tiles between us and Heaven; and it had been better for me, that I had been a Rope-Dancer, as it fell out in the Morning. That Night, indeed, our Hostess leading us, we kept our Feet regular on the Rafters, till we came where our Bed lay upon a heap of Brushwood, in lieu of a Bedstead; and then leaving us a bit of Candle as long as her Nose, with great care and cau­tion we should not be wasteful, but ex­tinguish it as soon as we were pig'd in, she dropt us a Courtsie, and bolted down again as if a Ghost had vanish'd into the nether Shades; and now we had leisure to take a further View: VVhen, upon Examination, we found the Ticking of our Bed to be an old VVool-sack, stuff'd with Rags, and the Combings of Hemp, Thistle-Down, Hogs-Hair, and such­like [Page 57] sort of Materials; our Rug being made of Lists, Shreds, and patch'd in divers places, consisted of as many va­rious Colours as a Herald's Coat, and challeng'd any VVoollen-Drapers Shop, for variety, to match them: Blankets we had none; but our Sheets were pret­ty cleanly; yet being made of Cloath a Groat a yard, were as soft as Hogs-Skins: Our Bolster, indeed, was stuff'd with VVing and Tail-Feathers, that in Moulting-time, I suppose, had been pick'd up on the Heaths and Commons.

Seeing this coarse Entertainment, we deliberated a while, whether we had best unstrip, or not; but the Weather being exceeding Hot, we, at last, threw off our Cloaths, and in we jumpt. We had not lain long, but whole Battalions of Fleas, and flying Squadrons of Gnats, as hungry as Cannibals, invaded us, to feed on the Plenty which Providence had sent them. All our Hands were instantly at work; but we could not defend our Buttocks from the one, nor our Faces from the other of these Blood-thirsty Enemies: they bit, and we claw'd; I grumbl'd, and my Compa­nions [Page 58] swore. Nor were Rats, Mice and Weesels wanting; for ever and anon they run cross us, squeaking and fighting; so that if we had leap'd out of Bed to avoid the smaller Blood-suckers, we must unavoidably have taken a Dance in the Rats Morris, and hazarded more dangerous Bitings. About Two in the Morning, when we began to slumber a little, the feasted Vermin giving us some respite for the Blood they ex­hausted, we were all on a sudden strangely alarm'd by an harmonious Consort of Musick in the Ceiling of our Bed-Chamber, (for there, it seems, the neighbouring Cats kept their No­cturnal Revels,) which continued in divers Strains for about two Hours, and then they fil'd off from their Copula­tion Recreation, to their Mouse-catch­ing Occupation.

Thus we lay surrounded with all these Plagues, and under a necessity of en­during them till the long wish'd-for Dawning came to relieve us from the hot Service we were engag'd in; for our little Enemies, by this time, having digested their first Banquet, came croud­ing [Page 59] again for a second; so that before we could lift up our Hand to disengage our Faces of the Gnats, or Muschata's, we had fifty Fleas apiece nibbling at our Arses.

At last, the welcome Light shin'd thorough the Crannies of the shatter'd Walls; which we beheld with as much Joy, as one sifted from the long du­rance of Shackles in a dark Dungeon; or a stale Maid, who has drawn in a lusty young Fellow to go to Church with her in earnest. Glad of this Deliverance, out we jumpt, as mottely as one of our Countrey Spaniels; or a young Lady newly come Abroad to Air her self, after the Small-pox. But now another Mis­chief befell me, for reeling too far before I could recover, missing the Joyces, treading on the Laths, down I dropt on my Lord's Head, who lay in the Room underneath, and could perceive a Thing in White vanish out of his Chamber, as I was falling; for the Crack, and Dropping of the Ceiling, had given so much Notice, that I found none in bed with him, yet never dispu­ted but he was better pleas'd with his Night's Lodging than we had been.

At first he started, and seem'd some­what surpriz'd; but seeing it was I, and that I was piteously scratch'd with the snags of the Laths, upon my Excuse, after having chid me for taking no bet­ter heed, he order'd me immediately to dress my self, and call up those Servants that lay in the Lower-Room, and sum­mon them in the neighbouring House. I punctually obeyed his Orders, as be­ing the hastier to get to some good Town where we might refresh our selves. He wonder'd to see us so speckl'd; but look­ing in his Pocket-Glass, he found he had not altogether escap'd the Hopping Legion.

We stay'd not for Breakfast, but liberally rewarding our Host with Two Pieces of Eight, our Hostess with one, and the pretty Daughter with another, an Estate in their Pockets, we mounted, and took the Road we before intended.

CHAP. VI.

WE had not rid above a League, but being on a rising-Ground, we had a Prospect of a Country that [Page 62] appear'd to be more fair than any we had yet seen since our passing the Alps: And seeing a considerable Town, call'd — about Two Leagues, or thereabouts, farther, we concluded we should meet with better Refresh­ment than we had the fore-going Night, or the present Morning▪ And thus flattering our selves with a good Din­ner, we rode on, till descending the Hill, we came into a Hollow-Way, the one side being inclos'd with a craggy shatter'd Hill, and the other with a large Wood, rising considerably higher than the Road; we were not far enter'd into it, but we heard a Pistol go off behind us, and immediately another be­fore us; when not well knowing what to make on't, we all provided against the worst: Which, indeed, was bad enough; for we had no sooner turn'd a blind of Trees, but we espy'd five or six Horse-men, not a Bow-shot off, spreading cross the Way; and others coming out of the Wood, at some di­stance beyond them. This gave Suspi­cion, that they would not prove Friends; but my Lord being a Man of great [Page 63] Courage, and his eight Followers of a Daring little inferiour to his, he resolv'd to press on, and venture the Brunt, if it came to the Extremity, rather than shun a Danger where, perhaps, there might be none, by cowardly Flight. Coming nearer, and seeing they gave not way, but stood to stop the Passage, he rid up with his Sword drawn, hang­ing by a Chain on his Wrist, and his Pistol cockt, and bore it on the Pummel of his Saddle, with the Muzzle mounted, having order'd his Men to halt, demand­ed what they were, and why they stopt up the Way?

They answer'd him somewhat rough­ly, We are the Banditti, Servants to Mompazon, Chief Lord of the Road; and if you and your Companions have any regard for your Lives, it is your wisest way, to deliver all the Treasure you have about you, as a Tribute to our Master, for trespassing on his Ground. My Lord smil'd at this, thinking, or, at least, dissembl'd he thought so, that they were only in Jest; and told them, He believ'd they were Gentlemen only upon a Frollick, and if they would accompany him to [Page 64] the next Town, they should be enter­tained with the Best the Place would afford. To this they reply'd surlily, They must convince him by stronger Arguments, if he persisted not to de­liver his Treasure; and so having made ready, bore up to seize his Horses Bridle. Upon which, perceiving they were in Earnest, he fired, and shot the fore­most thorough the Head, so that down he dropt in an eternal slumber; the next he miss'd, but kill'd his Horse un­der him: Then we hasted to his Assi­stance, and fired so thick (I being as active at that Sport as the rest, though I kept sideling on) that we were, in a manner, circled in Clouds of Smoke; and made such havock of our Enemy, though twice our number, that they gave ground; and we pressing hotly on, were trained into an Ambush; for im­mediately a greater number appear'd at our Backs, who firing their Carbines at a distance, kill'd my Horse; where­upon being dismounted, I crept into the Wood: My Lord, I perceiv'd, seeing himself in this strait, with much Reso­lution and Bravery Charg'd thorough [Page 65] those that first encounter'd him; in which Action I see two of his Retinue drop, but with the rest (Parthians like, firing behind them as they fled) got safe to the next Town, where the Pursuit ended, it being, as I afterwards heard, a strong Place, where a Spanish Troop of Guards lay; who, notwith­standing my Lord's Entreaty, more par­ticularly for the recovery of me, whom he suppos'd they had taken Prisoner, and considerable Proffers, would not venture after them; saying, They knew they always went in strong Parties, and not being certain of their Number, might be cut off by their Ambuscades in the Woods, or Hollows of the Rocks. My Lord (as I heard at my return to France) was greatly grieved, to be thus unluckily deprived of me; but perceiving I en­ter'd the Wood, and supposing how barbarous soever they were, they would not kill me in cool blood, he comforted himself, that one day or other he might recover me, for Money, or by Acci­dent: But I never had the happiness to see him more.

The Pursuit over, some of them came back to the Place of Skirmish, to carry off their Companions; when two or three scouting into the Bushes and Shrubs, to see if we had thrown any any of our Treasure there, though I lay as snug in a Thicket as cou'd be, till I thought all might be blown over, one of them, ne'ercheless, 'spied my Heels; for I like a foolish Bastard, supposing all was hid, because my Head was) found I was seiz'd by a strong Hand, and dragg'd out. Being thus took napping, I thought it the best way to fall on my Knees, and beg Mercy. At first, they threatned me with many bloody Oaths, and direful Imprecations, setting their Swords to my Breast, swear­ing they would kill me, unless I would discover how many more of our Com­pany was absconded? or what Treasure we had hid there, before they came up with us? But when I pull'd out all the Gold and Silver, except eight Pistoles quilted in my Shirt-Collar, they begun to unwrinkle their Brows; and search­ing, but finding no more, they gave car to my Protestations, That there [Page 67] was no more of our Company in the Wood, but my self, nor any Treasure besides what I had given them; and so ordering me, on pein of Death, not to make a word of any Money to their Companions, they mounted me behind one of them, and convoy'd me to the Main Gang; where the substitute Cap­tain, impower'd with the Command of the Party, by his Chieftain, in this Day's Adventure, seeing me finely cloathed, and of a very fair Complexion, and that my Answers to his Demands were above the Ordinary Rank, of my Years, he concluded me to be of Quality; and therefore expecting a large Ransom, sent me Prisoner, under the Conduct of Two of his Gang; tho' I protested I was but a poor Servant, and falling on my Knees, with Tears in my Eyes, begg'd he would give me liberty, that I, if possible, might follow and find out my Master:

CHAP. VII.

MY unwelcom Italian Conductors immediately posted away with me I knew not whither, passing tho­rough Woods, winding Lanes, and divers bye Passages, till we came to a Woody Mountain a great way from the Place where they took me up: But I, as nar­rowly as I could, observed every Turn­ing, and all the Remarkable Things in our Journey, hoping, one time or other, they would turn to my advantage, in furthering my Escape, if I was not faln into the Hands of Cannibals, who would roast me like a barthol'mew-Pig, and devour me as a Dainty they had not [Page 69] lately lighted on. Well (to be brief) coming to this Mountain, Perriwig'd with over-grown Trees, after we had ascended about Half a Furlong, with little or no great difficulty, except the various Windings, upon the removal of some Bushes, as I thought, appearing then very green and pleasant, as if they naturally grew: And turning of a Key, the Entrance of a Cave appear'd, so wide, that in we went, Horse and Men: The Door, on which they were, duly artificially fasten'd, to renew the decay'd ones, and prevent Discovery, turning upon Hinges fix'd in the Rock, clapt after us; but so softly, that it could not be heard twenty Paces. Into this Place came Light many ways, thorough Bushes and Shrubs that grew over it, though very much like that we call a Twy-light, in a gray Morning: yet I could see, when we dismounted, several Stables very regular; and in them, a great many very curious Horses, well stor'd with Provender. They having rank'd their Steads among the rest, one of them led me beyond these subterranean Stables, where a more comfortable Light [Page 70] appeared: when ascending a few Steps, cut out by Art in the Rock, as I suppose the Cave had been, we came into a kind of stately House; which made me con­clude, by what I saw there, if the Hi­story I had read of Knight-Errantry, were not Aesop's Fables, I was got into an In­chanted Castle; for there I beheld a great deal of Arms and Armour (this being much lighter than the Stables,) as also rich Apparel hanging upon Pins in the Wall; and divers Inchanted Knights, as I took them to be, sleeping upon Rush-Mats and Couches.

I had a great Desire to be asking Questions; but being in the Hands of an Enemy, I knew not how they might be taken, and therefore remained silent, till I should understand their Humours better. Passing this kind of a Hall, I came into their Kitchen, (for so I took it to be, seeing the She Cook's hard sweating at the Fire, preparing Provi­sion, both Boil'd and Roast, against the coming Home of her Masters.)

Hopes of some Victuals, a little com­forted me; for now I had been a great while without any thing to the purpose, [Page 71] being, as some say (if it may not be taken for a Bull) Full of Emptiness: but I grew melancholy, when I was de­liver [...]d into the Hands of this strapping Female, with Command, That she should lock me up in a close Room, till the Cap­tain's Orders were further known▪ My Entreaty signify'd no more than a Pen­niless Wretch's to a Serjeant; for in I was push'd, and the Key turn'd upon me. I found the Place wherein I was inclos'd to be very dark and lonesom, and fancy'd with my self, that like Ulysses, I was now got into the Pole­phems Cave; and so strongly, through Fear and Surprize, my Imagination worked, that Fear made me doubt, whe­ther their Spits and Cauldrons were not loaded and stuff'd with Humane Flesh; for thogh my Eyes, in part, gave Evi­dence to the contrary, yet I found some difficulty to credit 'em: and what more heightned my Suspicion, I heard, as I conjectur'd, piteous Sighs and Groans in a distant Apartment, as of a miserable Person in great Distress; which cast me into such a Fit of a Trembling, that my Knees knockt together like the [Page 72] ratling Branches of a naked Tree, when beaten against each other by fierce March Winds. And in this plight I continu'd, groaping up and down for some Hours, when I heard without, a very great Trampling, and many Sounds of Hu­mane Voices; and soon after, a Key turn'd in the Door, and I was order'd by my Female Jaylor to advance, for the Great Captain. Mompazon, was arriv'd, and desir'd to see him.

Upon this, I recollected, as well as Fear would give me leave, my dejected Spirits; and coming into the Hall, I found him sitting at the Table, in State: His Grim Countenance, Swarthy Com­plexion, and huge Long Whiskers, re­presented him so terrible to me, that I concluded him no other than a second Cerberus, the fabled Porter to Pluto, King of the Infernal Regions: His Voice, when he ask'd me divers Questions, who I was? who were my Compa­nions? and whence we came? sounded like a Speaking-Trumpet, or the Roar­ing of a Lion: His Sword, that lay on the Table before him, was at least Four Inches Broad, and Four Foot Long. To [Page 73] what he ask'd me, I answer'd him as well as my abrupt Stammerings, occasion'd by Fear, would give me leave. But not satisfied, but that I was of Quality, he order'd me to the Pully, to extort from me what he thought I conceal'd; then had I a Cord fasten'd about my Thumbs, and great Weights fasten'd at my Heels; and in this manner being drawn up, I hung so long, that I thought my Legs and Arms would have parted from my Body: then, in that Posture, was I or­der'd, by reason of my tender Age, to have my Buttocks exercis'd with six Strings of knotted Whip-Cord at the End of a Stick, which, I was afterwards inform'd, others used to have on their Backs with Wyer, and afterwards rubb'd over with Gun-Powder. But as mer­ciful as they were to me, by omitting the two latter, I conceited, all my Old School-Master had given me, was but a Flea-biting to this; and thought that his departed Ghost, in Revenge, had instill'd this barbarous Cruelty into their Minds, to revenge, in some measure, the Injuries I had done him; or that the Priest's Curses had reach'd me: But my [Page 74] piteous Cryes and Entreaties, at length, made the Barbarians relent: And being taken down, unable to stand, lest I should die of my Usage, I was put to Bed, where my Breech stuck to my Shirt and the Sheets like Birdlime; and only that Evening I had a little warm Broth given me, and a Glass of Wine, of which their Cave was well stor'd, taken from Mer­chants, as Free-Plunder upon the Road.

As I lay in Bed, I heard the grim Captain say, Come, Punish him no more, lest he die, and we lose our expected Ransom; but speaking to their Female Attendant, commanded her to give me the liberty of the Kitchen and Hall, but no farther, and see what she could wheedle out of me by fair Means, and good Usage. Having feasted and drunk plentifully, they laid them down to sleep; till just before Day, upon the tinkling of a little Bell, they got up, and went to their old Trade, with all their Strength, as having Notice the Evening before, by one of their Scouts, That a Rich Convoy was to come from Naples, in order to pass for Rome. Leaving only their Female House-Keeper, two Grooms, and a [Page 75] Porter of the Gate at home, she came to my Bed-side, and seeming greatly to pity the Severity I had undergone, brought with her a Flask of Florence Wine; which was more welcome than her Presence: having drank a Glass, or two, and revived me a little, she helped me to rise, and set a Gold Chicken before me, for my Breakfast, bidding me be of Good-chear; for though she believ'd I wou'd be kept Prisoner there all my Life-time, for ought she knew, if Money was not sent for my Ransom, yet she as­sured me, my Punishment, as to any thing to be corporally inflicted on me, was past. At this I appeared wonderfully dejected, and entreated her to become an humble Intercessor for me, that I might be dismiss'd, seeing I being of poor Paren­tage, and only a Servant in that Com­pany where they found me, could never expect any Ransom; my Father, for something I had spoke that displeased him, having utterly renounc'd me, and would rather, if he knew it, rejoyce in my Misery, than in my Release. She told me, she durst not move any thing that way in my Behalf, and therefore [Page 76] bid me be content with my Condition, and leave the rest to Time; and so leaving me pensive and sad, went about her Houshold Affairs. In the mean while, having satiated my craving Sto­mach with the best Morsel Italy had af­forded me since my coming into it, which I wish'd I never had seen, Cu­riosity led me to take a stricter View of the Place, and meditate on my Escape.

Having cast my on divers Things, at last I fix'd them on the Orders of this wicked Crew, hung up on a Pillar, Sworn to, and Subscribed with their Names; which denoted no less than One hundred and Twenty in the Com­bination, and for Curiosity-sake, I wrote them down: Viz.

• I. I A. B. Swear by the Head and Soul of our Captain, to be O­dient to all his Commands.
• II. To be Faithful to my Com­panions in all their Designs and At­tempts.
• [Page 77]III. To be always present at such Meetings as the Captain shall appoint, here, or in any other Place, except his leave to the contrary.
• IV. To be ready at all hour, by Day and by Night, upon Call or Notice.
• V. Never to desert my Companions in any Danger, or otherwise, to the last Breath.
• VI. Never to flie from an equal number of Opposers, but rather die, couragiously fighting on the Place.
• VII. To Help one another, whether Taken, Imprison'd, in Sickness, or any other Distress.
• VIII. Never to leave, if possible I can bring it off, any of my Compa­nions Bodies, wounded or dead, be­hind me, to fall into the Enemy's Hands.
• [Page 78]IX. To Confess nothing, if Taken; or ever to Discover the Abodes and Residence of my Accomplices, though put to Racks, Tortures, or Death it self. And this Oath when I Break in the least Tittle, may Power and Damna­tion be here and hereafter my Plague and Punishment.

CHAP. VIII.

THrough Fear of Danger, and De­sire once more to see my Native Countrey, my Mind run extremely on Projects, how I might Out-wit these Blood-sucking, Crafty Vermine, and bring a Mischief on their Heads, as such Spoilers deserve, whose Hands are against all Persons; and the Hands of all Men, for the General Safety, ought to be against them. These, at this time, were my Thoughts; though, indeed, I have since, in some measure, Out-done the most Expert of them. Having cast many things in my Mind, I was fre­quently [Page 80] at a loss; but at last, resolved to see what I could do with our bouncing Female: And instead of her Wheedling me, I concluded to summon all my In­genuity to Out-doe her. But how, handsomly, to break the Ice (as the Countrey-man calls it) and start what might be most Taking, was the main Matter: Sometimes I fancy'd to tell her what great Matters I would procure her, if she would further my Escape, and go along with me into my Coun­trey: But that was dash'd again, when I consider'd, her main Discourse tended to that, by the Captain's Order; and that it would, if she should be false to me, improve my Punishment, or pro­long my Imprisonment. Whilst I was thus musing about what I should do, she having made an end of her Work, came to me, leading a very Fair, but Dejected fellow-Prisoner in her Hand, on whose Beauty Sorrow had implanted Paleness, and her Cheeks seem'd furrow'd with the often trickling of Tears. After a Sigh or two, she sate down by me: And our Two-handed House-keeper, to divert the Melancholy she perceiv'd had [Page 81] seiz'd us, propos'd to give us a brief Narration of her Pranks, and how she came to this Place, Trust, and Office. Which seeing us attentive to listen to, she began in this manner:

IT matters not (said she) to tell you where I was born, it being too great a Difficulty for me to do, seing my Pa­rents were Wandring Strolers, and car­ried me at their Backs thorough so many Countreys, before I came to Under­standing, that themselves could never give me any direct Account of it; only thus far, That the Chamber where my Mother Pigg'd me, was a Gravel-Pit; her Bed, a few Rushes on the Ground; Curtains, Pebble-Stones; and Tester, the Skyes: And at Twelve Years of Age I had the wide World to shift in; my Parents taking their leave of me, after some little swinging on Cross-Timber, for Breaking-open and Robbing a House, and Murthering most of the Family.

The Terrour of this Disaster, and my Aversion to the kind of Living wherein they had hitherto dragg'd me up, made me consider how, by some [Page 82] genteeler way, I might advance my Youth, and that little Beauty that Na­ture had furnish'd me withal. Seeing others Fine, I emulated their Bravery, being homely Clad my self, and much affected Gaudy Apparel, yet was a great Hater of Labour and Pains-taking; and hearing what a Brave Place Naples was, and the Gallantry of those People that liv'd there, I resolv'd to trudge thither, in hopes of mending my Con­dition, and bettering my Fortunes: And so setting out, without any further Deliberation, and almost at every other step struck Fire on the Flint-paved Causeways; an Emblem of what Fire-works I should make before my Re­turn.

Coming into this stately City, the most spacious in all Italy, except Rome and Venice, I wander'd up and down, begging from Door to Door, for several Days; till an Old Woman who kept an Ordinary, seeing me a likely Girl, and she then wanting a Scullion Drudge, en­tertain'd me as her Servant. But this kind of Work not suiting my Humour, I stay'd no longer then I could make a [Page 83] Booty; and then packing up my Awls, gave her the Go-by. I found, by our Trade, she had Money, though, for fear of losing it, she always complain'd of Poverty; but where it was nested, and how to find and take these White and Yellow Birds, I was at a loss; till one day, musing on the Matter, I re­solv'd to fire the Callico-Hangings in her Chamber, as done by Accident of a Candle placed too near them, when I light her to Bed. This I effected; and she thereupon, the first thing she did, leaving me labouring to extinguish the Flame, which I easily subdued, was running into a little dark Closet, and lifting up a Board, so artificially plac'd, as if it had been as firmly nail'd down as the rest, took out something, on which, no doubt, her Heart was most Intent; and that, I concluded must be her Treasure.

I had soon put out the Fire; and run­ning to her, said, Pray, Seniora (or Mi­stress) don't be frighted; the Danger is over. But instead of Thanking me, though I look'd, with Smoke and Soot, like a Brimstone-Devil, recollecting her A­mazement [Page 84] and Affright, Anger took place; so that falling on me with great fury, she cufft and kickt me well-favour'd­ly for my Carelessness (as she term'd it.) I bore it patiently, however, as knowing now I had not long to stay with her; for the next day, when the House was full of People, and all in a Hurry, I stole her Bunch of Keys out of the Barr, sneak'd up Stairs, unhoarded the long im­prison'd Cash, and so rubb'd-off, with­out any ceremonious Complement at parting: For the loss of which (as I was afterwards inform'd) she fell Distracted, and took up her Quarters in the College of the Bethlemites.

Having got what I long'd for, and taken on content, I trudg'd on all that Day, and all the Night following, tho­rough all the Cross-Ways I could find, for fear of a Pursuit: but when the next Morning-Sun gilded the Moun­tain-tops with its chearful Beams, I found my self weary and faint, through long Travel, and want of Food; when striking about a Furlong into a large Wood, I took the boldness (after having a little satisfy'd my craving Stomach [Page 85] with Kernels, Medlers, and other wild Fruit growing there, and a Promise of better Fare) to open my Pouch, and found Coin, the Richest of both sorts, amounting in all to Forty Ducats; a greater Summ, perhaps, than many of my Ancestors had seen of their own, in the whole progress of their Lives. This exceedingly lightned my Heart, till Fa­ther and Mother's Catastrophie bolting into my Thoughts, caused in me some Allay; and put it into my Head, that I was not yet arriv'd at a place of Safety: so tucking up my Treasure in an old ragged Petticoat, I again took the Road, begging and taking up my Nights Quar­ters in Woods and Barns, for fear my Changing of Money in those Parts, should breed Suspicion, and cause my being stayed; till I came into the Su­burbs of the City of Florence, and there I concluded I was pretty safe. This City gives Name to the Province or Dukedom of Florence, and is a very fair one, feated near the River Arne and Chian, beautified with many stately E­difices; the Duke being accounted the Richest and Chiefest Merchant in Italy, [Page 86] usually call'd the Great Duke of Tuscany. Here I bought me a convenient neat Gar­ment; and going into the Fields, stript me of my coarse Apparel, almost dege­nerated into Rags, and bury'd them in a Lime-Pit, that they should never rise up to accuse me, by any Description that might be given concerning them. This done, and being a little smugg'd up, I came back again, and bought other Ne­cessaries I wanted; and about the Sun's declining, I took me a Lodging, pre­tending many sham-Occasions of my coming thither, as, That I had a Bro­ther return'd thither, on board the Gal­leys that had been cruising in the Medi­terranean, &c. But at last, finding my Landlady an honest, free, open-hearted Old Woman, but withal very poor, af­ter having taken a View of that spacious and pleasant City, taking its Name from the curious Gardens of Flowers that al­most every where incompass it, I told her, I was so mainly taken with its Situa­tion, and Healthful Air, that I would, if I could meet with a convenient Ser­vice, settle there; and if she would use her Endeavour to that purpose, I would, [Page 87] out of the little Money I had, give her a Gratuity; and better it, when more able. She promis'd me, her Diligence should not be wanting to serve me: When, to encourage her, I sent for a good Supper, and a Can of Wine; and so we spent the Evening in Telling of Old Stories. In the Morning, she went upon the Hunt; and returning about noon, told me, she had been successful; for that a rich Merchant's Maid died the Day before, and they were destitute of another. After Dinner, I went to this Place; and though but young in Years, was very well Approv'd of; my Face, and the little Replies I made hap­pening to be very Taking with my Master and Mistress; but more (as I perceiv'd by his Smiles and Leering) with a Young Spark that stood at their Elbow; with whom I afterwards was better acquainted, though he had better never have seen me, as in the Sequel will appear. To be brief then, I was Hired, and admitted one of the Do­mesticks.

CHAP. IX.

BEing initiated one of the Family, I was, no doubt, in a happy Sta­tion, if I could have seen when I was well. At first I liv'd very comfortably, making it my business to please and wind my self into the good Opinion of All, soon perfectly understanding the Ways of the House, and in a Year's-time became Head Maid, or rather House-keeper: At what time, another Merchant, somewhat in Years, who had marry'd a Beautiful Young Lady, be­came [Page 89] Part'ner with my Master; and and brought his Family, which was but small, to our Habitation: By which means my Vails and Wages much encreased; and with them, likewise my Pride. So that affecting Gaity, I lay'd out lavishly, till at last I appear'd so Lovely in the Cashier's Eyes, viz. the Young Spark before-mention'd, that he took all con­venient Opportunities to do me Favours. I dissembl'd my taking Notice of them, till at length, by my amorous Leers, Winks, Smiles, and other Gestures, I had drawn him in over Head and Ears in Love with me; thinking no Treats nor Presents within his Power, that I could reasonably demand, too much for me. So having nooz'd the Woodcock with the Snares of my Glances, I re­solv'd to make the best Market of him. He sued earnestly for a Night's Endear­ment in my Charming and Ravishing Arms and Embraces (as he was pleas'd to stile 'em.) But tho' I gave him no abso­lute Denial, I found Excuses and Delays, when I perceiv'd him most pressing towards, and languishing for Enjoy­ment, till I had made him pay as [Page 90] costly for it, as if he had Intreagu'd with a Dutchess

I soon brought him to this, when he perceiv'd other Arguments were in vain: Rings, and Jewels, and what he thought most tempting, he procured me: And for those precious Presents, thought himself over-recompens'd with a few Smiles, and my kind Acceptance. At this Distance I held him a considerable Time, till hearing a Rich Uncle of his died, and left him a good Estate, and then I thought it my time to close with him, and hamper the Woodcock in a Matrimonial Sprindge. I took my time to propose it to him, when the warm Touches of my Naked Breasts, and warmer Kisses, had heightned and in­spired beyond an ordinary Transport; strengthning my Allegations with Mo­desty and Blushes, making him believe I was Worthily descended, though Mis­fortune had thrown my Family from the Precipice of a great Estate, into the low Valley of Meanness and Poverty. To this Proposal I found him but Gold in his Replies; which made me fling out of his Arms in a great Pet, and [Page 91] vow ne'er to entertain any good Thoughts of him more, seeing his Passion tended only to base and sinister Ends. He not being able to part with me, pull'd me back again; and on his Knees beg­ging my Pardon, protested to yield to whatever I desir'd, and submit himself, in a blind Obedience, to what I should direct, without any Scruple or Relu­ctancy. I then propos'd the Day of Marriage; but he seemed so-impatient of Enjoying me, that upon his swearing to keep the Day prefix'd punctually, for the joining our Hands, I promis'd a Surrender of the Treasure he languish'd for, that very Night, and set the Hour for more privacy, when he should steal into my Arms, when in Bed. At which, giving me an hundred endearing Kisses, he seemed so ravish'd and transported, he know not how to express sufficient Thanks for my obliging Condescen­tion.

At the time of this Assignation, my Master's Part'ner, Signior Elnorea, was gone a Journey, and had left his Beau­tiful Young Wife to the Care of Almanda, my Master, whose Fidelity he no ways [Page 92] mistrusted: But, on the contrary, his Fair Charge had so overcome and cap­tivated him, that he sought all manner of ways to enjoy her. She repulsed the first Assaults with many Reasons, why she ought not to consent; but at the second, or more furious than the former, coming to a Capitulation, she promis'd, between a kind of willing and unwilling­ness, to surrender up, that Night, the Fort of her Chastity, if he could hand­somly give his Wife the slip, and convey himself into her Chamber, without any Suspicion tending to a Discovery; for she was, it seems, more careful of her Honour, than her Vertue. This double Appointment made, the Hours seemed tedious; and we fancy'd the Sun had wander'd out of its wonted Road, and gone the farthest way about to the Western Ocean. At last Night came, and Supper being on the Table, I and my Spark gave our Attendance; but scarce could I contain, with holding my Sides, and biting my Tongue, from bursting into Laughter, when I see him stand like the Picture of the Man in the Moon, either gazing on me, or wan­dering [Page 93] he knew not whither, his Wits, no doubt, being in the Eclyptick, and his Imagination bent on the sweet Con­templation of those charming Delights and Pleasures he suddenly expected to find in my sweet and delicious Embraces; so that he was no further serviceable in his Attendance, than to make the Com­pany Pastime: for if his Master call'd for Beer, he brought him a Clean Plate; or his Mistress for a Glass of Wine, he presented it to me; or, to mend the Mistake, to Madam Elnorea: which caus'd a great deal of pleasant Discourse, what should be the Cause of this so sud­den Disorder?

This, I observed, was not the Disorder of my Spark alone; for my Master, by the strength of Imagination, and partly by those Flames the incomparable Beauty and obliging Promises his Part'ner's Wife had kindled in him, made him ready to dissolve, as Snow against the Heat of the Sun: Fancy mov'd him to think he was already incircl'd in her soft Arms; and clung as close in the amorous Folds of Love, as the Ivy to the begirted Oak: sometimes he imagin'd he heard the [Page 94] Twang of her harmonious Lace-Tags against her Stays, making her self Un­ready, to be the more ready for the soft Combat; and grew so impatient of Delay, that counterfeiting Drousiness, and early Business in the Morning, all things were taken away, and he hasted to Bed with his Wife the sooner, to lull her asleep, and steal away into Madam Elnorea's Arms. He effected (as I af­terward understood) the first, by feign­ing to fall into a profound sleep, as soon as he was a Bed, thereby preventing the Love-toying wont to pass between them, that he might the sooner receive them with more Satisfaction from another. This Neglect of her Youth and Beauty, made my Mistress shed some Tears, for the slight Regard had to her; but know­ing how humoursome and peevish he was, if suddenly 'waked, she consider'd, it would be more seasonable to expect his Kindness at another time; and so hushing her Cares, settled her self to sleep likewise.

The cunning Husband was diligent in waiting for that Opportunity; and very carefully stealing out, went as softly to [Page 95] the Chamber of Assignation; to which there was no other way, but by the A­partment where I lay; and being wake­ful, in Expectation of my Spark, a Mouse­tread could not 'scape my hearing his tripping up gingerly one Pair of Stairs above me, fancying it was my Husband-elect, who, blinded with Love, or the Darkness of the Night, had mistaken his Way, and so expected his return, when he had groaped himself into a better In­formation; but his stay, and the long silence that ensued, made me grow both jealous of a greater Beauty than my own, whom I supposed had tempted him from me, and of being now delayed, when I had fully framed my Mind to a Com­placency: But alas, my Love was mi­staken in another Place; for about Half an Hour after this disloyal Husband had left the warm Bed of his hitherto con­stant Bed-fellow, to go a Catterwawl­ing. Mine, who was aged about Twen­ty, and a brisk, lusty, handsom Fellow, got out of his Bed, having slept against his will; and not knowing how much of the Night had stoln from him, in his slumbering, rubbing his Eyes, between [Page 96] sleeping and waking, groaped the way in the dark to find my Chamber; but instead thereof, enter'd into that of his Mistress; and encountering with a Bed, doubted not but he was right: where­upon, lifting up the Cloaths softly, he laid himself down by her Side; and was not long there, e're he began to bustle: which soon waked his Mistress; who supposing it her Husband, embrac'd him with ardent Affection, crying, in a soft loving Tone, Oh, how Cold you are, my Dear? Come, let me warm thee in my Em­braces! And hugging him very close, with many Kisses, and amorous Twi­nings, she told him she was glad what had perplex'd her in her sleep, was but a Dream, for that she fancy'd she had felt for him before, all over the Bed, and and he was no way to be found; intend­ing to tell him how she had dream'd, That at that very juncture, her Man and her Maid, meaning me, were naught together, and just in Love's lawless Conjunction; but glad I am (continu'd she▪ that it is but a Dream, and that waking▪ I have thee in my Arms.

These Actions and Expressions not only convinced my Spark he was in an Error, but so startl'd and surpriz'd him, that he knew not what to think or do; at first he was almost dead with fear, but by degrees recollecting his scatter'd Spi­rits, he bethought himself of a Strata­gem to protect him from Discovery: All the Passages he had observed be­tween his Master and Partner's Wife came fresh into his Memory, and from all the Circumstances concluded they were in this critical Minute consumma­ting their Loves, and that if he refrain­ed from speaking, he doubted not but she falling a-sleep again, he might steal away, and hasten to my more desired Embraces: But, alas! in this he found himself deceived; for the Fancies in her Dream, and her natural Inclination, had so warmed her Blood, that abando­ning for that time the Modesty of her Sex, she grew so impatient of Delays, that he found himself incapable of re­sisting the Emotions she had raised with­in him, but suffered himself to be taught by her those Love-Lessons design'd him by another School-Mistress. She found [Page 98] him so active and vigorous in his Cares­ses and Embraces, above what are usu­sually the Attendants of a Marriage-Bed, that, together with his continued silence, gave her a suspition that she was mista­ken in her Bedfellow; whilst he, on the other hand, lay sweating and trem­bling in a peck of Troubles how to make his Retreat handsomely before his Master's Return: For if he surpriz'd him, he could expect nothing but a bloo­dy Revenge for what he had acted to his Dishonour and Disgrace, through mistake.

After a Thousand Cogitations and Revolvings in his Mind, weighing each Particular in the Ballance of his green Understanding, he consider'd it might be of dangerous Consequence to ask Par­don of the injur'd Lady for what had passed between them; and again, to steal away when she was asleep, with­out discovering, would undoubtedly be­tray the whole Matter by her petulency▪ or some little toying and wanton Discourse that might arise upon the Hus­band's coming; and who knows but she might too amply acknowledge his Gra­titude [Page 99] for his late supposed Work of Su­pererogation, which might give him a just ground to believe some other had supplied his Place in his absence, and consequently his Man, for no other could be suspected in the Family.

Apprehensions of Danger from the Discovery of a Secret of this great Im­portance, put him into such a Confu­sion, that it was not to be judged which exceeded, the Pleasure he had enjoyed, or the Trouble and Fear he underwent to purchase it. Whilst his Thoughts were engaged in this Perplexity, a lucky one came into his Noddle, which, in all probability, might remedy all, and so after an endearing Kiss or two, thus broke silence:

‘'Prithee, my Dear, what didst [...]ou mean by that Dream thou told'st [...]en I first came to Bed; the Matter I va­lue not, but 'tis the manner of [...]e Re­lation that troubles me, beca [...] in it thou namest me as thy Servant, which is more like the Language of my Mi­stress than of my dear Love. I pro­mised to be thy Husband, and will not fail, at the time appointed, to bind the [Page 100] Contract with my Hand, which my Heart has already sealed; and now I have named my Mistress, she, no doubt, poor innocent Lady, lies fast a-sleep, whilst her perfidious Husband is in the heighth of Enjoyment with his absent Partner's Wife.’ And here he ended with renewed Kisses; but she started, trembled, and turned away, not able, at present to make any Reply. Never was Alcmene of old so amazed and sur­prized, when Jupiter had enjoyed her in the Shape of Amphitrio her Husband. The Curtain of the Night indeed hid the Confusion of her Blushes and Dis­order, which else had appeared greater than can be reasonably expressed: But seeing there was no Remedy to retrieve so strange an Accident, which had at this time unwittingly broke her Marri­age Vow, she comforted her self, in that the F [...]lt, if any, was not design'd by her, [...]t all the Guilt ought to lye on her faithless Husband, who had deserted her Bed for the lawless Pleasures of an other's.

She was somewhat loath, however, to part with the Company of her Bed­fellow, [Page 101] but Reason perswaded her to it for the avoiding Danger. Wherefore taking a Diamond Ring, she clapt it into the Hand of my Spark, saying, in a very low Voice, If you are discreet, hug your good Fortune in silence; otherwise you shall find a Reward to this Surprize and your babling Folly. Hereupon, without reply, he sneaked away to his own Bed, whilst I lay in vain expecting his coming to mine, mistrusting some such thing, but not knowing where it happened, till he gave me soon af­ter the full Relation, as it is here set down; which Disappointment put me upon Revenge, which fell sure, though slow in Execution: For as the Poet says,

CHAP. X.

SHe would have ended her Story here at this time, reserving the remain­der for a more fitter opportunity; but by my Importunity she thus proceeded:

My Master (said she) having gained a speedy Admittance, we may well ima­gine employed his time to the end for which that Assignation was made: It is needless, if I had been then their Bol­ster, [Page 103] to give an Account of every amo­rous Folly that the Two Lovers were guilty of, which consisted, no doubt, more of Action than Expression; and no wonder, since Kisses barrocade their Speech, we may imagine, that their Lips being tired, they encounter'd in another manner, somewhat more plea­sing. But in the heighth of these ravish­ing Enjoyments, and stolen Pleasures, the amorous Lady's Husband unexpe­ctedly came home, and having a Key to the Back-door went directly to his Chamber, having struck a Light, and carry'd up with him a Candle. His un­expected knocking at the Door startled our Two Lovers, then more strictly in­tangl'd in each others Arms, &c. than Mars was by Vulcan's crafty Net, when intwin'd in amorous Folds with the Cy­prian Goddess. But she being otherwise employed than to come out of a warm Bed, and endanger the catching of Cold, was as mute as a Fish, neither could she in reason make answer to the Disturber of her Joys, till the Business she was a­bout was consummated: But he, impa­tient of delay, repeating his Stroaks on [Page 104] the harmless Door, she found her self constrain'd to demand who was there, though in Words imperfect as one wa­ked out of a profound Sleep; and too sadly knowing the Voice upon reply, she capitulated with him till she might abscond her Lover, for whom there was no other Refuge but crawling under the Bed: When being secured there, she jump'd out, and in great hast ran to the Door, speaking as she was wont, Oh my Soul! Oh my dearest Heart! The most welcome Man to me alive. When in her self she thought, What envious Devil has brought thee hither at this juncture to di­sturb my early Joys?

The Husband thus entred, clasp'd her in his Arms, when the Temptation of her, in a manner, naked Beauties, made him uneasie till he could enjoy them in a closer manner; and immediately throw­ing her into Bed, fell to making himself unready, that he might be the more ready, as he thought, to pleasure her. But she who had already the Satisfaction of a more vigorous and active Inamoret­to, knew how to defend her self against the weak Assaults of an Impotent Hus­band, [Page 105] as likewise to give her Gallant the better opportunity to escape, said, Hold, hold, (pushing him back with her Hand) my dear Heart prithee lets drink a Glass of Wine for Joy of thy return, I have Half a Dozen Bottles which were lately sent me as a Present, the best you ever tasted; let me entreat you to step down into the Cellar, and fetch up one of them. With all my Heart, (reply'd he) being over­joy'd he might do any piece of Service to oblige her: And re-putting on those Garments he had already divested him­self of, he began to search for his Shoes which he had carelesly drop'd so, that one of them was tumbl'd under the Bed; for which he no sooner began to grope, but out she leap'd; and whilst her absconded Lover lay in a quivering Condition for fear of a Discovery, and pretending to be angry for his so long standing in the Cold bare-footed, snatch­ed the Candle out of his Hand, saying, Is it possible, Husband, you should be thus long looking for your Shoe, and not find it: Come, you shall stand no longer on the cold Boards, I'll rather suffer than you. And thereupon searched for it where she knew [Page 106] it was not, to avert the Light; and when he commanded her to go to Bed, unless she meant to be accessary to her own Death, in exposing her tender Bo­dy to the nipping Season, running a­gainst the Bed-stead, as unawares, she let the Candle drop, which by its fall was extinguished; and whilst her dear Husband was groping for it, she gave her Gallant the hint, by softly pulling him by the Foot, that this was his only time to escape. Whereupon, poudered with Dirt and Feathers, out he crept, and sneaked down Stairs like a Dog that had lost his Tail: But not so silently, but I, who lay perdue, supposing him to be my false Spark, bolted out upon him; and siezing the Lappet of his Shirt, he would have cryed out, as taking me for some Ghost sent to punish him for his Evils, had not fear of Discovery over­ruled his other Apprehensions; and in­deed I soon made him understand I was not as yet a damned Spirit, by saying in a soft, though angry Tone,

Oh Sir, have I caught you! Are these the Products of your Oaths and Promises! Can the Current of your so often avowed [Page 107] Love so soon run in another Channel? Base perjur'd Man! so quickly to relinquish her, over whose Affections your Subtilty has gain­ed so entire a Conquest.

He thought at first, his Wife had siez'd him, and began to excuse himself, and beg Pardon in the most humble and be­seeching manner; but I continuing to reproach him with Infidelity for his Maiden Obligation, and giving me so unexpected a Disappointment in the heighth of my Expectations. He upon this, knowing my Voice, and finding what I drove at, dispersed his Fears, and made me believe he had an inkling of our Intriegue, and had left his Bed at so unseasonable a time, when muttering some Threats between his Teeth, he flung from me, whilst I remained in much surprize and confusion, as greatly astonished and confounded at this dou­ble Misfortune, but re-collecting soon my fading Spirits, I went to Bed, though I slept but little for Ruminating on what had past in these unlucky Adven­tures.

My Master, it seems, went not di­rectly to his Wife's Bed, but to my [Page 108] Spark's Chamber, where rapping and calling Twice or Thrice at the Door, he put him into dreadful Apprehensions that all was discovered; so that had not the iron Barrs prevented, he had ven­tur'd his Neck, by leaping out of his Window, to escape the heavy Revenge he expected to fall on him. However, at last venturing to open the Door, with a Resolution to make an humble Con­fession and beg Pardon on his Knees, his Resolves were changed, when by the light of the Moon he perceiv'd his Master pale, and shivering like a Midnight-Ghost, all besmeared with Dust and stuck round with Feathers, only desiring he would give him immediately one of his clean Shirts; and hinting to him that he had been upon the Discovery of his Haunts that Night, he left him far more compo­sed and satisfied than before, and so pas­sed to his Wife's Chamber, who was a­gain fallen asleep and dreaming of the pleasant Pastime that had befallen her by so strange an Adventure; yet waking, dissembled at this time the knowledge of his Absence.

My Disappointment, and the Affront, I conceived with Indignation to be so deluded, made me yet restless, and in the Morning I upbraided my faithless A­morist with many Reproaches. He blushed, but hid nothing from me, only begged my Pardon, since it was by Mi­stake, and consequently, as it fell out, not to be avoided; but for the future he would be more wary and constant:—But finding, though I allow'd him that Freedom he expected very frequently, I watched him so narrowly, that the fur­ther Intriegues he had in secret noctur­nal and diurnal Correspondences held with my Mistress, 'scaped not my Knowledge; and the Day appointed coming, he shuffling and making fur­ther Delays and Demurrs about our Mar­riage, I was resolved at one bold Blow to strike home; and accordingly, having made my Spark flustered one Night, and over-dozed him with Love-Posset, leaving him as fast as a Church, I stept into his Chamber with the Keys I had taken out of his Pocket, rifled his Trunks, and found the Diamond-Ring, and other known Marks of my Mistress's [Page 110] Favour, which she had bestowed on him for secret Service, and returned un­missed. Next Morning being up early, and appearing Melancholy, and much disturbed, my Master observed it, and pressed me to tell him the Reason. I seemed averse to comply with his Re­quest, which made him the earnester in his Enquiry. After a while, fetching a deep Sigh or two, with some seeming reluctancy, I drew the Ring and other Tokens, that were no Strangers to him, out of my Pocket, and letting fall some Tears, told him, How my Mistress had not only wronged him but me, in too prodigally dispensing her Favours to his Man, who had before promised me Marriage: But since his stolen Enjoy­ments with my Mistress, he, contrary to his Vows and Promises, had declined it, if not absolutely renounced me. My Master seemed at first difficult to believe this, never having observed any thing but a modest, humble, and vertuous Carriage in his Wife.

Seeing him pause, and unresolved, I concluded it now time to go thorough with it, and said, Sir, If you will not be­lieve [Page 111] these Visible Marks of the Injury done you, do but feign an Excuse to be Abroad this Morning, and I will deliver the Adulterers into your Hands, as securely taken, as Mars and Venus were in Vulcan's Wyre-Net, invisibly spread to intrap those lustful Deities. To this he gave very attentive ear, burn­ing all the while with Anger and Fury, his Eyes, as it were, sparkling Fire; yet a little composing his Mind, he thanked me for the Care I had for his Reputation, and promis'd to be rul'd by my Dire­ctions, in discovering the Dishonour put upon him: and so going up, and taking a dissembl'd loving leave of his Wife, feigned Business Abroad till Three in the Afternoon, and should not be at Home till Dinner. She took no great Notice of what he said, but gave him a Kiss, and so they parted. My Master being gone out, as my false Spark sup­posed, he sneak'd up Stairs, and crept into my Mistress's Chamber; where, by his stay, I plainly perceiv'd he was not unwelcome.

Having them thus in a Trap, I ran to the Place where I knew I should find him, to inform him how it was. With [Page 112] the News, Anger and Revenge added Speed to his Feet; and forcing open the Door, found them in the same Po­sture he had been with his Part'ner's Wife a little before. Impatient of De­lay, he dragg'd his Man out by the Heels, letting his Head and Buttocks come thump against the Ground, beat­ing and kicking him at a most miserable rate, whil'st he lay crying-out sometimes Mercy! and sometimes Murther! His Wife, in the mean time, fearing the Death of her Minion, leap'd out of Bed, and taking hold on her Husband, en­treated him to forbear; And since (con­tinu'd she) you have been as guilty as we, in doing the like with Madam El­norea; for which Dishonour to my Bed, I was res [...]lved to take this Revenge, though, at first, unwittingly; it will be Discretion in you to be secret, lest you not only publish, unadvisedly, your Shame, but ruine your Fortune. Upon this Discovery, he suppos'd his Wife had been a Witch, standing confounded and amaz'd in himself, to consider how otherwise such a Secret should come to her Knowledge; and (to be brief) [Page 113] whilst he a little suspended his Fury, my Spark crawl'd from under his un­merciful Clutches, on all Four; and getting to the Stair-head, made, for haste, but one leap to the bottom, and tumbl'd Head over Heels down the other, and ran out of Doors, with a Resolution of never returning; and indeed, I heard afterwards, in the Terror and Fright he was in, going on board a Ship just set­ting sail out of the Port, he was, within Three Leagues of Land, Cast-away upon a Rock; and so, at last, all his fiery Love to my Mistress and me, more or less, was quenched in the Ocean.

Upon his Departure, having the Keys I had taken out of his Pockets, I rifled the Cash, took out Five hundred Florins, besides other Things of Value that had been laid for considerable Summs, and in the Evening hid them in a Wood that stood about Four Furlongs from the City, and so return'd undiscover'd; when I found, my Master, after her humble Submission, had taken my Mi­stress, as well as he could digest the Af­front, into Favour again. But this Re­venge satisfy'd me not for the loss of my [Page 114] Spark; for whose last Disaster, I could not, on second Thoughts, refrain shedding some Tears; and therefore resolv'd, the Mischief I had begun, should go further. Nor left I off, till in the same manner my Master had taken his Man with my Mistress, himself was caught by Sig­nior Elnorea in his Wife's Arms; al­though the injur'd Husband did not roughly use him at that time, only rant­ing at a distracted rate, as being too weak to grapple with him, he grew dis­contented, and took a worser Revenge, by Confessing a Judgment; which turn'd out my Master and Mistress to shift again in the wide World. The Creditors, upon Notice of what had happen'd, drawing off the Overplus Effects so hastily, that my Master found it in vain to stand the Brunt; and so slipping what he could conveniently, stood away with his whole Family to the West-Indies: and what became of them there, I am ignorant of; yet heard, That his injur'd Part'ner, soon after, seeing what he had done, to the loss of his Reputa­tion and Credit in the World, ran di­stracted, and died in a Raving Fit, ex­claiming [Page 115] against his Wife's Disloyalty, as the Cause of all his Misfortune, and the only Cross-wind that had Ship­wreck'd his Felicity.

Being thus, as I may say, Disbanded by the Families Going-off in such Dis­order and Distraction; yet having Trea­sure enough to support me till I could find out other Quarters, I took me very sumptuous Lodgings; where I became acquainted with one Flavius Dumaine, a Brisk Young-Man; whom I so much doated on, that I consented to a Mar­riage with him, though he was no more than a Blade of Fortune. He, in a little time, spent all my ill-gotten Wealth; and running much in Debt, we were oblig'd to bid adieu to Florence; and in our Travels, fell into the Hands of these Thieves; against whom fight­ing valiantly in my Defence, rather than his own, he was unfortunately slain, and I made a Prisoner. They, at first, used me very roughly, as is their man­ner to all they take Captive, of which they have now divers in several adjacent Dungeons, in hopes of Ransoms for the Men; or training them up, by a com­pulsive [Page 116] Consent, in their Gang: And as for the Women, by Threats and fair Means, they strive to bring 'em to a Compliance to their Lusts; which I, by the Service I do them, have hitherto avoided; as also this Fair Lady, to whose Chastity our Captain lays strong Siege, by reason she protests to kill her self, if he violates it.; so that in hopes to bring her to a better Temper of Mind, he has not hitherto used any Force, as knowing a Constrain'd Enjoyment, in Sullenness and Tears, can yield him but an Imperfect Pleasure. At this, the Fair Stranger held down her Head, and wept. And so our Discourse, at this time, breaking off, by the coming in of a petty Captain, with a considerable Booty taken from Merchants, and other Travellers, we retir'd to the Inner-Places: the Lady, through Fear and Bashfulness; our House-keeper, about her Domestick-Affairs, the better to keep up a fair Correspondence with her new Master; and I, to avoid any Suspicion of my In­tention of Escape.

CHAP. XI.

PErceiving this Fair Stranger sigh, and often let fall Tears, I took the first Opportunity to entreat the Favour of a Relation, who she was, and how she unfortunately came into this miserable Place? At first, Grief stopt the Passage of her Language, that she could make me no Reply: but I more earnestly [Page 118] pressing it, and promising, if Heave [...] favour'd my Designs, to be instrumenta [...] in her Delivery from so horrible a Dun­geon, and the Danger she was in among such wicked and unmerciful Associates, or rather Tyrants, hourly threatning he [...] with the loss of her Chastity, if not o [...] Life; upon this she looked on me with Eyes expressing her inward Languish­ment and Sorrow; then taking me by the Hand, and often whispering me to sit down by her, on a Bench of Earth, covered with dry Turff, letting fall some Tears, she said, Ah, Stranger! may I trust thee with the Secrets of my Grief? Is there any Fidelity to be found in such a Place of Horror, where I see my self surrounded with nothing but my mortal Enemies? Could I be­lieve thou wouldst lock up my Woes in silence, and any way befriend me, I would most willingly do it. These Ex­pressions concluding with a Sigh, I per­ceiv'd she took me to be one of the Gang. But I presently undeceiv'd her, by de­claring how I fell into their Hands, and how earnestly I desir'd to be rid of their Company. This made her a little clear­up, [Page 119] and the Clouds of Sorrow that eclipsed her Beauty, began to pass away, and leave the Heaven of her lovely Face in a kind of Serenity; when making me swear to Secrecy, she thus began:

I am called (said she) Lucindar, a Native of Pavia, though now my Fa­ther, a rich Merchant, lives at Naples, on the Point of the Port; his Name Paulus Urbinus, of no mean Family in this Countrey, when I was Fourteen Years of Age, going to be a Spectator of some Justs, and other Pastimes ordain'd in Honour and for the Entertainment of our Viceroy on his Wedding-Day, being marry'd to the Beautiful Alfrida Mendoza, Daughter to the Great Duke of Tuscany, I cast my Eyes, among the rest, on one of the Youths that maintain'd those Justs, whose Courage and Bravery surpass'd all the rest, overthrowing all that came be­fore him, Horse and Man tumbling and rouling on the Ground together confu­sedly where-e'er he directed his Launce, so that the Shouts and Applause of the Field were all on his Side, till at last [Page 120] none durst any more encounter him. Upon which, he retired out of the Lists, to the side of the Stage, where my self, and a great many Ladies of Quality, were seated, as Spectators; and taking off his Silver Helmet, flowing with a Plume of White Feathers, he, in a cour­teous manner, bowed himself to the Bow of his Saddle. I no sooner beheld his lovely Face, and he, as I perceiv'd, had accidentally singl'd me out, and fix'd his Eyes on mine, but we gazed one at another, without either of us being able, for a good while, to observe any other Objects: I must confess, with Blushes, that I was so smitten at that first Sight, that I am ashamed of my Weak­ness, and beg Pardon of my Sex, that I could resist the powerful Arrows of the God of Love no longer: I struggl'd, indeed, against my Passion, and call'd in my Reason to my Assistance, but all would not do. He was likewise as rest­less and uneasie as my self; and giving his Armour to his Page, appear'd yet more Gallant and Charming in his Coat, embroider'd o'er with Golden Lillies, and Silver Stars; he left not sight of me, till [...] [Page 123] To be brief, we met often, and his Me­rits commanding my Love, I delayed not to give him all the Assurance of my Love and Affection he required; which never extended the Bounds of Modesty. I found him to be a Younger Brother to a Noble Family in Corduba in Spain, and gave him leave to make known to my Father the Pretensions he made to me: but he being of a covetous Tem­per, and designing to match me to one Richer, and well settled in the City of Naples, received his Proposals so coldly, that utterly despairing to gain his Con­sent, I resolved for once to be disobedi­ent, which Fear has brought this Punish­ment upon me, promising to meet him one Evening in the Grove, and wholly resign my self to his Care, and the Con­duct of his Love. As I was passing a Road about Two Fields from it, I was surprized by Four Horsemen with Vi­zors on, one of them alighting, set me up by Force before another of them, and stopping my Mouth to stop the Cries I began to make, brought me to this accursed Place, but by what Ways I know not; for through the Fright I [Page 124] fell in a swoon, out of which I recove­red not, till safe housed. What the brave Lysander's Thoughts are for my Ab­sence, and unwillingly disappointing him, or how great the Grief of my Pa­rents for my Absence, I know not; but sure I am their Tears and Sorrows ming­led in one Channel, cannot exceed mine, who am, to add more Affliction, perse­cuted here by a Love I abhor.

She ended here, and a Shower of pre­cious Drops, like young Diamonds in their Infant Dew, fell from her fair Eyes; which made mine overflow for Company. I, as melancholly as I was my self, comforted her in the best man­ner I could, promising presently to put in practice at the hazard of my Life, something that might contribute to hers, as well as my own Deliverance.

CHAP. XII.

NIght now approaching, our wicked Masters began to flock home in small Parties, few of them empty-hand­ed, and many Discourses passed between them of the Business of that day, and what they designed the next; but I little minded the Particulars, by reason I had more weighty Matters, viz. to consider my Escape. I had observed the Door to be narrowly watched and guarded by [Page 126] two Grim Fellows, in the nature of Porters; I thought sometimes to bride them; for I had still some Gold in the Collar of my Shirt: but thinking if they should take my Money, they might however deliver me up to the Tormen­tors; for I took them to be People of no Faith nor Conscience, and then I should not only be narrowly watched, but my Condition much worse. At last I cast my Eye upon the little Smoak-Loft, which was a Place cut through the Rock, among a great many thick Trees, and it then strongly came into my mind, that that was the way alotted by Providence for me to escape out of the Clutches of these Wicked Ones; and so bent I was upon a Tryal, that I was impatient till I had put it in practice. I made my Eyes very diligent Centinels to observe when every Bodies back was turned on me, and sneaking into the corner, soon by the help of one of the Crutches, or forked Sticks, by whose help the Spits were turned, ascended, as by a Ladder, till I was out of sight: I found then a hollow Cavity made by the mouldering away of the Rock, through the Heat of [Page 127] the Fire, and in this I stood up like an I­mage in a Cell or Shrine, to consider how I might in the surest manner take my next ascending Steps, for fear of falling or prevent Discovery, by tumbling down the loose Stones, I tryed divers that were within reach to find their fastness, the Earth being mouldered away between many of them, so that they hung by Ge­ometry, like the Ruines of an old Town long since demolished by War: whilst I was doing this, the day having been somewhat rainy, a great Bundle of Wood was thrown on under me, to dry my New Masters, which first sent up a ter­rible Smoke, which in a manner turned me into Bacon: but that, though very troublesome, was not so intollerable as the Heat that seconded it, when the Few­el began to blaze. In this miserable ta­king I knew not well what to do, fear­ing, as the Flame ascended, I should now be sacrificed to Molock; sometimes I thought to descend, and put off my being there with a Pretence I only did it in a Frollick; but knowing among such Villains I should gain little Credit as to being believed, whatever specious [Page 128] Pretences I suggested to palliate my in­tended Escape, and therefore upon se­cond thoughts, I resolved to stand it, though I suffered Martyrdom.

I bethought my self in such a Confla­gration, an Engine was necessary, and therefore pulled the little Spout I had, out of my Breeches, and as I saw op­portunity, played it as long as the Wa­ter in the Cistern would supply it, which somewhat lowered the proud Curls of the aspiring Flame: I know not whe­ther they perceived it or no, but imagi­ned they did, ‘'For (says one of them) it rains very terribly abroad, and our Companions will be wringing wret when they arrive:'’ yet construing it to the best, I concluded in wet Weather part of the Showers were wont to de­scend there: but now my Cistern being dry, the Flame got head again, and put me into new Perplexities; I then begun to beat, and blow down the Smoke with my Hands and Breath, insomuch that it clouded their Cave, and made them re­move further; when to my great satisfa­ction I heard one say, ‘'Take off the Fire, the Wind is turned to the South, I per­ceive [Page 129] by the smoaking of the Chim­ney, or we shall be smothered.’

The unconsumed Fuel and Brands­ends, were hereupon immediately taken off and raked away, so that my firey Tryal by this means was over; and now all Sooty and Smoak-dryed, having ta­ken a little Breath, I attempted my climb­ing business, and soon got to the top, so that I could peep into the open Air: But here another Difficulty startl'd me; for though I could get my Head out, my Shoulders would not follow: I however pushed hard forward with all my Strength; but finding I was like the Fellow in the little end of the Horn, I knew not what to think of it: I trembled for fear, and wept for anger, and was almost at my Wits end to be so near a happy De­liverance, and yet not procure it, but return into worse Misery then ever; therefore, Sampson-like, redoubling my Strength, by a happy Providence the Stones that obstructed me, tumbl'd away, and out I leaped with more Joy than Drake when he first discovered the Spa­nish Plate-Fleet.

Being now at Liberty, though in a a Place of horrid Shade and Gloomyness, (the Escape from one Danger, as is usual, made the other less terrible) I crept through the quilts of Bushes and Briars, without accusing them for their sharp Incivilities of scratching and renting my Flesh and Garments, till I supposed I was got about Two Furlongs; and there I ventur'd, quite tired and out of breath, to rest me a while, when immediately my ears were saluted with the barking of Foxes and the howling of Wolves, so that I fancy'd now I was in the case of Aesop's Hart, who flying his cruel Hunters, fell into the Mouth of the mercyless Lyon, by unadvised entring his Cave for shelter. I resolved however, since I had thus far proceeded, to make the best of my way; and so pushing for­ward, within Two Hours after, I came into a narrow way that descended on the other side of the Mountain, which I descended with so much precipitation, that not minding my Steps, I tumbl'd in­to a deep Pit, and with the Fall much bruised my self: But I know not whe­ther I may call this a Misfortune or a [Page 131] Providence; for whilst I lay groaning and strugling to get on my Legs, I heard a great number of Horsemen pass by me, which by their discourse of Booty and Plunder, I concluded to be some of our Out-Party returning to their Den. This, notwithstanding the Pain I felt, made me lye as still as a Mouse in a Cheese, till I heard all quiet; then I took the boldness, by the assistance of rugged Stones stick­ing out of the sides of the Pit, to get on upper Ground once more, bles­sing my Stars that I had, by this unexpe­cted Accident, escaped falling into their Hands; and so trudging on, as Day began to break, I entred upon ve­ry fair and pleasant Fields, and had the prospect of some little Villages at a di­stance, which put more Life and Spirit into me. Towards the nearest of these I made as fast as my tired Legs would carry me, in hopes of some Refresh­ment; but by the way ascending a little Hill, I perceiv'd on my Right Hand, under a little Tuft of Trees, a Cave, and in the Door of it a very comely Person sitting very Melancholy; his Thoughts were so employed, that his Eyes were [Page 132] not at leisure to mind my Approach till I was pretty near him. I at first knew not what to think of it; fear made me suggest this might be another of the Ban­ditti's Dens, which made me edge out of the way, as much as I could, for a large River that run on my Left Hand; at last I heard him sigh aloud and cry out:

O unfortunate Lysander! thus to be for­saken by my visible Divinity, the fairest, and as I concluded, the most vertuous and con­stant Creature that ever Nature made! Who could have suspected breach of Promise from a Mouth that I always before believed spoke Oracles, and that nothing but Verity could proceed from those Ruby Lips! But what should be the Occasion of this new Change or Dislike I know not. The most beautiful Lucindar is fled from her Lysander, who adored her next to that Deity who governs the World, and all humane Affairs; and what is more intolerable and tormenting to my distracted Mind, perhaps she is fled into the Arms of some sordid Wretch who knows not how to prize and esteem so rare and valu­able a Jewel. But why, (continued he, fetch­ing another deep Sigh) since she flyes from [Page 133] me with such Neglect and Disdain, and bears with her my Heart as a Trophy of her Spoil, should I not, after such a Loss and Disgrace disdain to live? Death after such a Loss is the only welcome Mistress that can ease the disturbed Passions of Mind. Welcome then (said he, starting up in a furious Action and drawing his Sword) art thou to me. And here he had died, had I not stept in and intreated him to live; for that I had so welcome a Reprieve for him, that after he knew from whom I came, he would not desire to dye.

My sudden Intrusion made him frown, and cast an angry Scarlet o'er his Face, which gave him so terrible an Aspect. though otherwise very comely, that I could scarce look on him with steadfast Eyes. He seeing me stand mute and in amaze, broke silence, Who e'er thou art, (said he) young Stripling, thou deservest the death thou would'st preserve me from, for presiming to add more Tortures in desiring me to retain a loathed Life, than a Thousand Deaths can give me.—Seeing him recol­lected, and resolved to perish by his own hand, I found it now no time to dally; but said, Sir, I beg your Pardon for my In­trusion; [Page 134] but praised be Heaven, I hope its seasonableness was directed by a Hand of Pro­vidence. Did not you (continued I) name Lucindar—I did (said he, with up-lift­ed Hands and Eyes) I named the Fair but False Lucindar; and thereupon some Tears, inspite of all his Courage, trickled down his manly Cheeks: She lives (said I) lives for Lysander if you be he. At this starting to me, he claspt me in his Arms so hard; as if in a Convulsive Fit, crying out, O my good Angel, speak those blessed Words again; let those blest Sounds o'er-joy my Ears and Heart; do's Lucindar live, and live for me? She do's (said I:) and thereupon told him all she had told me in the Cave; but in the telling, I perceived him so transported, that he was ready to sink under the Excess of Joy, which quite overbore all the Ha­zards and Dangers of recovering her; his Eyes, by Intermissions, sparkling Fire of Rage, and Tongue Threats of Re­venge against he Injurers: then he clapt a Ruby Ring on my Finger, gave me Gold, drew his Horse out of the Cave where he had stood undiscovered, made me mount behind him, and with a [Page 135] Whirl-wind's speed, posted to Naples, by well known ways, to engage his Friends and all the Power he could make, for the speedy rescuing his adored Mistress from those rude Villains Hands; and the more eager he was in it, when I rold him what Danger she was in of being forced to the lawless Lust of the cruel Captain of those Thieves; taking in this, the same Measures I intended, re­solving, for the Injury they had done me, in separating me from my Master, and the scurvy Usage they shewed me after­ward, to bring those upon them, that should drive out this pernicious Nest of Hornets with Sword and Fire:

CHAP. XIII.

BEing come to the City of Naples about Noon, the Noble Lysander immediately went to the Viceroy's Pa­lace, who governs there for the King of Spain, and making himself known to him, told him the Condition of his Di­stress, imploring immediately to be assi­sted with a convenient Number of Ar­med Men, as might utterly root out those Enemies to the Government, and all the civiliz'd Part of Humane Society. To this he hearkened with much Pati­ence and Concern for the publick Good. Then I was called, and taken into strict Examination, the better to discern whe­ther [Page 137] my Report was true or feigned: I told them all the Circumstances attend­ing my first falling into the Hands of those Thieves, and Usage to the Time of my E­scape, and luckily for the injured Lysander, declaring each particular with such Ve­hemency and innocent Expressions, that I gained Belief. The next thing demand­ed of me was, whether I could discover the Place of their Abode: this indeed put me somewhat to a stand, yet I re­collecting my self, told them I believed I could, or give a very near guess at it, which with little search might be rectified. Hereupon Two Hundred Men well appointed with Swords and Fire Arms, were ordered to be in a rea­diness, and the impatient Lysander joyned to them as many of his Friends as the little time would give him opportunity to do. We took our March as secretly as might be, without the Beat of Drum or any Martial Instruments of Musick; so that by break of Day, I had guided them to the Foot of the Mountain, and it so luckily happened, that their Cap­tain, and the greatest part of them were then together, it being an appointed [Page 138] Day for dividing the Booties they had taken: However, some of their Out-Scouts discovered us, and gave the A­larm. Upon which, these daring Fellows by blowing a Horn, gave the Signal to Arms, and came out and faced our Troops; long it was not, e'er a terrible firing on both sides ensued, and many Men ming­led with Horses, lay weltring in their blood. Lysander enraged or inspired with Love and Fury, broke through the thickest of them, charging through, or beating down all that came before him, in such a dreadfull manner, that they began to give ground, though they fought like Lyons, as knowing this to be their last Effort: their Captain stormed and bann'd the Skies at a dismal rate; yet finding himself over-matched, in the midst of War and Fury, he forgot not his Love towards the Fair Lucindar, and ordered some that nearly attended him to fetch her out of the Cave, that if pos­sible he might escape with that precious Prize at least: But immortal Powers, how infinitely did Rage transport Lysan­der, when he saw his adored Mistress in the hands of those Men, who endeavou­red [Page 139] to carry her away in spite of her Cries and Resistance, and delivering her into the Arms of their Captain, who was retired a little out of the Files of War, well Armed and Mounted, to re­ceive and bear her off. Certainly all the Words in the World are not suffici­ent to represent his Fury; he was so a­nimated by that sight, that all their For­ces were not able to resist him; he flew most impetuously on them, and turning towards him that with out-stretched. Hands was ready to receive her, he brought down his Sword so forcibly on his Arms, that they fell both together from his Body to the Ground: His Com­panions seeing him receive that Stroke, and fearing such another, quitted her; but scarce had they disburthened them­selves of that glorious Weight, and he thereby freed from the fear of wounding her by a random Stroke, but with a re­verse Blow he took off another's Head, and made it rowl, Cask and all, on the bloody Ground, and after this Execution, breaking in among the rest that stood wavering and consulting of Flight, like a Tempest he overthrew them in [Page 140] Heaps; so that from retreating, they betook themselves to open Flight, and being hotly pursued, they entred into a Marsh, full of dryed Reeds, by known ways, about a quarter of a mile from the Mountain; which being incompassed and fired on every side, most of them were burnt or drowned, in attempting to swim over a River that bordered on it, and fed it with Water by several Sluces. The Fight being over, and the Pursuit ended, we returned to the Spoils, which upon search of their Cave, we found to be very great, consisting of Gold and Silver Vessels, Silks, and divers Merchan­dice; for this was the general Store-House to which they brought such things as they got by Plunder; and in more cu­rious searching, we found the Female House-keeper, who for fear, hid her self in a Well, dangling as near the Water as she durst venture in a Bucket; we drew [...] up, and I prevented her further Fears by interceeding for her: where­upon she lead us to some not yet disco­vered Apartments, where we found more Treasure, and delivered divers misera­ble Captives of either Sex, almost star­ved [Page 141] and famished to death, and being as­ [...]ured by her, there was nothing more in [...]he Place than what we had seen, we marched off with the Trophies and Spoils of Victory and Revenge.

It is impossible for me to express the [...]oy and Satisfaction the Two Lovers con­ [...]eived at their so unexpected Meeting; [...]heir Embraces spoke the Transports of [...]heir Souls in a Dialect above the Power of Rhetorick, or Oratory, to explain. [...]n fine, having ridded the Country so [...]uccessfully of this Plague that had so [...]ong infested it, we returned to the City [...]hrough the thronging Crouds of the [...]houting People; and the Father of the Fair Lucinda understanding the Misfortune of his Daughter, and the Merit of her Renowned Deliverer, upon the Vice­ [...]oy's Recommendation, consented to the Marriage, which was celebrated with great Joy and Triumph, and I was ca­ [...]essed and highly rewarded for my seaso­nable Discovery.

CHAP. XIV.

I Lived some time happily in the City of Naples, and loath was Lysander to part with me: but being of a Rambling Genius, and now I was abroad, desi­rous to Travel, and see more of the World, I beggd Leave to depart in seek­ing new Adventures, and in hopes of [Page 143] better Luck than had before befell me: Lysander at my Departure bestowed a Purse of Gold on me, and the fair Lu­cindar, a very rich Jewel; and with much Regret they dismissed me.

Leaving this City, and having heard how famous Rome was for its Antiquity, and its present Grandeur, I resolved to Travel thither. But hearing that the Ways that lead to it, by reason of the great resort of People, and Booties to be met withal, were pester'd with Thieves and Pillagers, I was resolved to trudge it partly on Foot, and partly by the Waggon-Coaches, which they call their Sieges-Volants, as I found opportunity to meet with in Inns, or on the Road, when most weary'd: And so providing me a Suit of ordinary Cloaths, the less to be suspected, I set out on Monday in the Morning, having taken Notes of Dire­ctions for my nearest Cut; and in my Passage observed the Houses of many no­ble Families stand tottering, decayed, and un-inhabited, by reason their Own­ers Extravagancy had reduc'd them to that Poverty they were not able to main­tain them. When Evening came on, I [Page 144] went to a pretty handsome Village, and enquired for a Lodging, finding by the resort in an Inn there, that I should not miss of some considerable Entertain­ment. So that being admitted a Ten­nant at Will, I walked about till Supper­time.

In the mean while, the Inn-keeper enquired my Name, saying it was the custom of the Place that he might give the better Account of his Guest, though afterward, to my cost, I found it was to another purpose: For no sooner was I sat down, and had called for a Can of Florence Wine, and the Servants not pre­sently answering, Two Bravo's and a Trull came and placed themselves at the same Table, and bringing Wine with them, drank to me. They had seen me before, it seems, pull out some Money, as cautious as I was to conceal it, and so concluded the Reckoning safe enough. I continued however still to call the Ser­vant; but with a great many Comple­ments they assured me they were all my Servants: As we (continued they) shall testifie by our Endeavours to oblige you. And thereupon cryed, Ho! Master of the [Page 145] House, make this Gentleman welcome: Set open your Pantry-door and Cupboards, and we'll see you well pay'd. Then one of them fixing his Eyes more intent on me, leap'd over the Table to Embrace me, saying, O Monsieur Ragoue! who would have thought to have seen you here! Its Ten Years since I had the Honour to pay my Respects to you. He spoke this in French, as knowing by my Tone I was of that Nation: And whilst, whether I could call him to mind or not, (for it came not into my Memory that I had ever seen him in my Life) he passionately cryed out, O Wretch that I am, I now see I am much alter'd since you have forgot me. He being here nonplust how to go on, up comes the other, and with as great seem­ing Admiration, said to his Companion, Is this that Gentleman's Son, whose worthy Deeds in Feats of Arms you have so often extolled to the Skies? Surely we are very happy we have met thus accidentally with him: He's grown pretty tall, God bless him.

This kind of Discourse had almost confounded me; for by it, one would have gone near to have thought, they [Page 146] had been born in the same House and bred up with me; yet I very seriously assured them, I could not remember I had ever seen any of them in my Life. No! (said they, as struck with Admira­tion) that is very strange as we should be alter'd so much in so little a time. Then I began to ask them some Questions which I was certain they could not positively answer: So that their Trull fearing they woud be gravelled, dashed them aside with saying, I see the Gentleman has forgot you; therefore lay this Discourse aside till another time, since Supper is just entring on the Table. She had no sooner said so, but up they started, and began to place the Chairs, straining Complements with me to sit at the upper end, which all my Rhetorick and Refusals could not a­void.

By this time the Table being covered with Dishes of a kind of strange Varie­ty, though but very little Meat in them. They fell on with Stomachs like Famine it self; and when they (for though I was hungry I could eat little for gazing on such Gormondizers) had almost de­ [...]ured all, in came Three more of the [Page 147] same Tribe, with each of them a lean shrivel'd Serving-Man, as I thought them, at their Tails. These taking Acquain­tance with the Bravo's and their Mort, they invited them to sit down and thun­der'd for more Provision, which was as quickly brought up; and so they fell on afresh, and my Host forgot not to score it: For when the Fury of the Business was over, we found we had, as my Host was pleas'd to score it, Five Chequins of Gold, amounting to Twenty French Crowns to pay. At this they stared on each other, and held a profound silence, whilst I was fumbling in my Pocket, in Expectation of the Birth of Mountains; but when they saw I only brought forth a Mouse, viz. as much as came to my share, one of them started up, and pro­tested I should be excused for my Fa­ther's Sake. But I not willing to be be­holding, as indeed they never intended I should, to such Companions, least for this Civility they should have further ends on me, pressed them to accept my Dividend, saying, If they thought con­venient, I would pay more at last. Their Trull taking the Wink, said, Come, come, [Page 148] what need all this ado! Let the Gentleman, if he so pleases, present us with this small Treat, and do you give him a larger at his taking his Farewel in the morning. I liked not this Proposal; so that at last we agreed, I and the two first Bravo's, to throw Dice to end the Controversie, which of us should pay the whole shot; you may be sure it fell to my share; for they so managed their Business, that putting the Change upon me, the Dice they threw with, run all Fives and Sixes, and mine Fives and Fours; which I perceiving, and go­ing to detect it, their Mort snatched them up, and by the Art of Hocus Pocus chan­ged them into Regular ones; so that I had the Voice of the whole Board a­gainst me, insomuch that I was con­demned to pay the Reckoning, though the Dissembling Villains vowed and pro­tested they had rather it had fallen to ei­ther of their Lots to have the honour of treating me, with large Promises, what great Things they would do the next Morning to make me amends. I dis­sembled my Discontent as well as I could; and they perceiving I would not engage in Gaming, but counterfeiting Drowsi­ness, [Page 149] and desirous to be a Bed, the Com­pany broke up, and I was shewed to my Lodging. I had, as I thought, a Chamber to my self, but was fatally mistaken; for what I took for a Wall was only a Curtain that parted it.

Before I went to Bed, I took care to barrocade the Door with old Trunks, Stools, and Chairs, but never minded what a weak Back I had to my Appart­ment: And so going to Bed as soon as my Two Inches of Candle were burnt out, I fell asleep; but was soon awaked with a capering up and down the Room, and an Out-cry of Murther and Thieves. Upon this, I leaped out of the Bed, and run to the Door to see whether it was fast or not; and finding nothing remo­ved, I wondred how the noise should be in my Room, unless the Place was Inchanted: But as I was about to re­move the Barrocades to run and raise the House, I found my self incircl'd with a Horse-whip, which at every Lash I thought had cut me in two, and made me roar out as loud as the other had done. And indeed I had greater Cause; for I since concluded theirs was only in Jest, [Page 150] and mine down-right Earnest; for they were worse than Bridewell strokes, still circling my Waist and Shoulders. I flew to my Bed thinking to get under the Cloaths for a Refuge, but found they were taken away; so that I had no o­ther shelter than to creep under it. In the mean while, some body had dung'd just in the middle of my Couch, and layed the Cloaths on again: And by this time the Inn-keeper, the better to colour the business, came thundring at the Door, demanding what the cause was of Cla­mour at such an unseasonable time of Night. Whereupon I heard one or Two leap out at the Window into a Back-Yard, and the noise of the Whip ceased: And by this time my Host had jumbled open the Door, or unlocked it with ano­ther Key, and was entred with a light, bringing his Ostler and Tapster at his Heels; and running hastily forward, be­ing a huge Two-Handed Fellow, he beat me over and over. I thought now they were come to shew me the Italian Trick which I had heard of in my own Country, viz. To circumcise my Jugu­lars with a Rasor, or pink my Jacket [Page 151] with a Ponyard; which put me into a greater Fear than before: after having rowl'd about with me a little while, and pretending to know by my voice who it was, he kindly raised me up, and beg­ged my Pardon; saying, He took me for one of the Thieves. But I after­wards understood the Cause of this pre­tended Error was to give these Hell-Hounds opportunity to see whether the others had made clear Work with my Pockets, or to take the Gleanings. I took this Apology however, in good part, as knowing not how to help it: he then took me by the hand, and lead me un­der the Curtain Partition, where I un­expectedly found Two Beds, in one of them was one of the Bravo's and his Mort, whom he called his Wife; and in the t'other the other who had supped with me: they lamentably complained of the Stripes they had received. The Devil take the Rogues (said they) they have flea'd our Skins. I had like (said the first that opened his Mouth) to have catched one of them; he narrowly slipt thro' my hands, but I reached his Buttocks with the point of my Ponyard as he was leaping [Page 152] out at the Window, and gave him a Mark for his Roguery. Upon this, the Host and his Men promising to sit up and watch the remainder of the Night, weary and much out of order, I got me again to Bed, and presently fell asleep, without perceiving the Bedfellow I had gotten. My sleep was not however so sound, but I often turned from one side to ano­ther, insomuch that when I awaked I found my self anointed all over with Pilgrims Salve.

As soon as day appeared, they all came to my Bed-side to utter their mu­tual, though dissembled Complaints; I kept close, and answered them but little, desiring to lye longer, for I had but little sleep that night: they knew as well as I the cause of my Delay, and therefore out of Courtesie, as they said, began to move the Bed-Cloaths to cover me bet­ter; which so scented the Chamber that they were forced to hold their Noses, and retire at some distance. The Host, who knew what was done, immediately came and desired me to rise, for that some Gentlemen who had travelled all night, were come in weary, and desired to lye [Page 153] down to refresh themselves a while. I knew not well what Excuse to make, but feigned to swoon away; whereup­on they raised me up, and bent my Fing­ers so hard, under pretence of recove­ring them, that they pulled two of them out of Joint: at last I perceived all was discovered, and it could be no longer hid, out I jumpt, and stunk 'em to an awful Distance. My Host perceiving how finely the Sheets were gilded, tho' I made many Excuses, began to grum­ble like a Dog between two Doors, swearing he would have satisfaction for the Abuse of his Linnen: but the Two Bravo's interceeding on my behalf, that such a Misfortune, in such Frights, might happen to the best of Gentlemen, he seemed to be pacified, and ordered me a Tub of Water to sweeten my self in, after I had for some time lain battling in my Dung; which being placed under the Pump, they pumpt so fast on me, that I was almost stifl'd. This put me in mind how I had served my Old Master, who was here in some measure revenged. But oh! the miserablest Part was yet be­hind; when I came to look for my [Page 154] Cloaths, they were vanished, together with all my Moneys, &c. at this, I cry­ed out with a lamentable Voice, I was undone, I had lost Four hundred Crowns in Gold, besides Rings and Jewels of as great a value. At this they began to stare as if they scarcely gave credit to what I said: but I continuing to affirm it, they swore in a seeming great Rage they would find out the Rogues tho' they went to a Conjurer; and so left me in a naked Condition, to the mercy of my Host, I never seeing them more; tho' I believe they needed not have consulted the Devil to know who had robbed me, no more than they might have doubted going to him themselves, when they dyed.

Being thus gulled and cheated of all I had, but those Pistoles I sowed up in the Collar of my Shirt, I begged to have an old Frock to cover me, which I could not obtain, till they see I had ript out some Treasure: at which sight my Host grinn'd, and applauded my Policy, in making some Reserve in time of Dan­ger; though I doubt not but at the same time he wished his Comrogues had stript me to the Skin, that I might have no place suspected to hide a Silver span­gle in: For it is past all peradventure, but he came in for the largest Snack, and lived mostly by the practice of such Ver­mine; but being in a strange Place, un­skilled in the Laws of the Country, and not knowing how to remedy my self, I was obliged to be silent, and in haste to be gone cut of so wicked a House; wherefore sending for a Taylor, he fitted me with some second-hand Cloaths, at a moderate Rate; so having returned the Frock, and disposed of a Crown for a double-dyed Hat, not worth Twelve pence, with some small Expences to the House, I departed with a heavy Heart: when having got some Miles distant, [Page 156] down I sate me by a Wood-side, to be­moan my Misfortunes; but finding no boot to stay there, up I got, and trudged on my intended Design:

CHAP. XV.

REsolved, if I could help it, to lye no more in a Roguish Inn, when Day was near spent, I made up to a very fine ancient Building; where at some Distance my Ears were saluted with Mu­sick, and merry Songs; which made me [Page 157] hope for good Entertainmente (it being in those Countries a sign of good House­keeping) I therefore set a good Face on it, and went to the door, demanding if the Master of the House was within: he thereupon came, as being within hear­ing, and asked, What I would have? I told him being a Stranger in those Parts, and having been ill used upon taking up Quarters in Publick Houses, I would in­treat him to spare me a Lodging that Night. He answered me mighty civilly, but said, He feared he could not; for it being the Anniversary of his Wedding-Day, he had divers Friends there, and knew not but most of 'em might stay all night. I continued to press my Suit, and told him some of my Misfortunes Seeing me a likely Young Man, he told me he had one Room he knew no body would lye in, which he could well spare; but if I accepted that, I might perhaps fall into greater Misfortune than I had yet done, for that it was nightly haunted with a Spirit, ever since his Grandfather's Barber, for Love of a Coy Chamber-Maid, had cut his Throat in it, and that the Spirit appeared at usual times with [Page 158] Razor in one hand, a Bason and Light in the other; crying in hoarse Tone, Will you be shaved? and some that we have ventured, unknown to them, to lye there, have been for refusing to suffer him to shave them, thrown violently out of their Beds, and bruised at a strange rate.

I heard very attentively this Relation, but having always a strong Fancy that these Reports of Apparitions were only Delusions and the Fancies of Whimsical Brains, or Men in Drink; I with much obliging Language told him, That if he pleased, I would accept of his Proffer, notwithstanding the dreadful Report he had made, and knew not, but by an Art I had learned, I might lay this poor di­sturbed Ghost to rest; that he should be confined to the Lower Shades, and wander about the World no more. At this he appeared altogether yielding, in­viting me in, and caused me, after we had discoursed a little whence I came, and whither I was going, to enter the Parlour, and make merry with the rest of the Company; and at Supper-time told them for what I came thither, and [Page 159] what I had undertaken. They all won­dered that I durst venture upon it; some disswaded me from it, as a thing too full of Presumption, and Danger: some again laughed in their Sleeves to think what sport they should have in the Relation of this Adventure next morning; but they had little Cause, as it fell out, though they did so. Supper ended, they adjour­ned into a large old fashioned Hall, and fell to Cards and Dice.

Seeing them set in, and the Stakes thrown down briskly, a merry Crotchet came in my Head, and retiring, desired one of the Servants, for that I was weary with long Travel, to show me up to my appointed Lodging: the Fellow, tho' a Lusty Lubber, gave me a Candle, but durst venture no further than the Stair­foot, and there wishing me a Good-night, stood listening a little, and then depart­ed: I shut the Door, and expected the frightfull Gobling, but he gave me none of his Company: wherefore least he should be missing in the Family, I resol­ved to personate him. Thus concluding, I rubbed my Face over with the White of the Wall, to make me represent a Ghost [Page 160] the more exactly; then with one of my Garters tying a Sheet with a Knot to place just upon my Head like a Shroud, I stript me to my Shirt and Drawers, and laid my Cloaths decently on the Bed, the sooner to whip in after this Exploit: a Razor I had in my Pocket, and to make it look more terrible, I cut my Finger, and bloodied it over; but being at a Loss for a Bason, I at last con­cluded the Pewter Chamber-pot, by the glimmering of Candles, and in a Fright, might be taken for it, as well. In this Posture I waited, till I heard by their noise and ratling of Money, the Wine was got into their Crowns; then softly descending in the same Posture as the other had been describ'd to appear, I found them so busie at their Game, that I was in a manner at their backs, when one of the Servants that attended, look­ing up, and spying me, started ten Pa­ces back, crying out, Oh! the Ghost! the Ghost! and so run out, stumbling head­long over the Threshold; I immediately extending my Piss-pot, and bloody Ra­zor, seconded him with crying out in a hoarse and dreadfull Tone, Will you be [Page 161] shaved? upon this, they all started up without any regard to their Money that lay on the Table, and tumbled over each other for hast, as if they had bid the Devil take the hindmost; and happy was he that could tread over another to get before him. I still pursued them in the same dreadfull Tone, till I had quite cleared the Hall and adjacent Rooms of every Soul of them; some got into the Cellars, others into the Stables and Out­houses, sculking and hiding themselves; Fear charming many of them in those Places as in inchanted Castles, till Day­light appeared, and banished the Bug­bears of nightly Fancy.

I upon this, returned to the Deserted Spoil, and pretty well lined my Pockets, taking this as a Providence to make up in some part, my Loss at the Inn, and so returned to Bed as softly as could be, and putting out my Candle, I soon percei­ved how this Errour came: there was an old doated Post in the Room, that looked whitish, or shining, in the Dark, and the Wind blowing then a Pent­house of thin Boards just over the Win­dow, swaying too and fro, made such a [Page 162] kind of a noise, as seemed to imitate Shave; and no doubt the Drunkenness, or Fear, of such as lay there, had im­proved the dreadful Consequences of it, by leaping out of Bed, and hitting them­selves against the Bed-Posts, or tumbling on the Floar. The next morning they were not so much vext that the suppo­sed Goblin had carried away their Mo­ney, as for an ill Report, if I should be murthered; for they concluded no less, seeing the Razor all bloody: but when they ventured to call to me at the Stair­foot, and I assured them I was not yet dead, (though in a faint Voice, for I had cut off some of my Hair, and one side of my Beard to make it more passable) they rejoyced, and desired me to leave my Purgatory. I soon descended, and upon their Requests, gave them a very dread­ful Relation, how at first refusing to let him Shave me, he attempted to Cut my Throat; but I so guarded it with my Hands, that he only cut my Finger, and having done what they saw, passed away from me, as I thought, down stairs; and returned soon after in the same Posture, rattling something in or about his Hands, [Page 163] like Chains. A Pox (says one of them) a plaguy Toad of a Ghost; that was our Money he stole off the Table then: I have often heard these Goblins discovered hidden Treasure for the Advantage of others, but never that they coveted it before. It may be (said the Master of the House, half smi­ling) some of your Fathers owed him for Trimming in his Life-time, and now he came to you for their Quarteridge. Upon this, they all burst out a laughing: but I somewhat better pleased them, espe­cially those of the Family, when I told them I heard him mutter as he passed out at the Casement, that his Time of wandring abroad in the World was now expired, and this was the last time he should appear; insomuch that I was in­vited to stay the next night, to see if he would be as good as his Word: but fear­ing when they had better recollected their scattered Senses, they might see into the Trick I put upon them, they could o­blige me to no more than to take a Break­fast with them: and so being a little li­beral to the Servants, I parted; laughing in my Sleeve to think what such a Fren­zy, as a suggested Fear, though ne'er [Page 164] so groundless, can throw Mens Minds and Wit into.

CHAP. XVI.

AFter a tedious Travel, without meet­ing with any Adventure worthy of Note, I came to the Suburbs of the Seven Hill'd City, and thought it best there, for cheapness and conveniency, to take up my Quarters without entring the Gates; least coming so late a Stranger thither, I might be taken for a Spy, there being an Army of Frenchmen then at Mantua, and no good Understanding between the Pope and the Crown of France.

Long I had not enquired of the Wo­men that sold Herbs and Fruit, who had their little Stalls under the City Wall, but they directed me to a pretty com­pact House, though of no largeness, where I found divers merry Pot-Compa­nions heating their Noses with good Li­quor, till they looked like the lighted Ends of Charcole: amongst these ho­nest Topers I sate me down. (For indeed the low Rooms were but few; the great­est part of this Company, I perceived consisted of Stroling Players, Fidlers and Dancing-Masters; as by their Catches, throwing out Fragments of Old Plays, capering and scraping, my Judgment soon inform'd me; and as I conjectured, so I found it.) Being very needy, as most of those kind of Cattle are; they were very sweet upon me, especially when they knew I was a New-comer: But Experience taught me to be as shye of them as an Alderman is of a Courti­er's Treat, when he suspects it is only a Bait layed to hook him in for a Summ of Money without a Mortgage. However, we drank about ptetty briskly, till one of them tipt me the Wink to step aside [Page 166] with him; and what should it tend to, but to tell me he was just stepping up to Supper, and if I would go with him, I should be welcome. I knew not well what to think on it; but Hunger prompt­ing me, we stole as it were from the rest. We were no sooner got into the Cham­ber, and our Victuals not presently com­ing up, but to divert me the while, he proceeded to act in Gestures and Expres­sions, some Fragments of a Tragedy, made upon a Scythian King, who flying through a Forrest with his Queen, was himself, after a stout resistance, seized on, and got under the Feet of a Bear. It seems he had acted this Part, and just as the Wench was coming up with a Dish of Custards which he had ordered for his Supper, the Poetick Rapture took him in the Noddle, and fancying him­self in the Bear's Clutches, he thus, in a passionate and very earnest Tone, be­sought his Queen to save her self by flight.

The Maid being by this time at the stair-head, in a great fright concluded, that some Bear broke loose, was got into the Chamber a worrying him, and that it was to her he spoke so eagerly to save her self; least the Beast having made but half a Supper of him, she should come in for the Second Course to make up his Meal; and thereupon made but one leap down Stairs; yet tumbling Head over Heels at the bottom, beat all the Custards in pieces; and lying with her Coats over her Head, her bare Buttocks and Heels up the stairs, she fancyed the Bear would now soon have her by the Breech; which made her roar out la­mentably for Help.

Being taken up, all imbrued in, and almost blinded with Custard, and de­manded of how this Disaster came to pass, Oh! (said she) for the Love of God [Page 168] don't stand asking of Questions, but Arm, Arm, and run up quickly to the poor Gentle­man's rescue, whom a monstrous Bear, come from I know not whence, is now tearing in pieces, and eating. Upon this, though somewhat startl'd, they catch'd up what Weapons came first to hand, and up stairs they run, rushing in upon us in a very furious manner, that I knew not what to think should be meaning of it, till they all cryed out in a breath, Where's this Bear? Where's this Bear, that the Maid says was worrying a Man? The Player as he could be heard, assured them it was only a Mistake of the Maid's, who had heard him perhaps repeating such a Passage of a Play, and by her fear sug­gested it a Reality. This occasioned much Laughter in the House; but we had the least Cause; for by it we had the bad Luck to lose our Custards, and for­ced to take up with a few hard boiled Eggs.

It growing late, I was conducted to my Lodging, and made all fast about me; remembring how I had before been served, and indeed slept the quietli­est that night, of any I had done since my setting out.

Being up indifferent early in the mor­ning, I took a turn into the spacious Ci­ty, and spent the time till Dinner, in viewing its Order and Situation, and perceived that of Ancient Rome, little but Ruines remained; the City now in quest consisting of New Foundations, for the greatest part: For the Pope ma­king the amplest Figure there, they all covet to crowd and build near his Pa­lace; yet there is several of the Ancient Monuments remaining; as of Pompey's Theatre; Trajan's Statue on Horseback; some Remains of the Capitol, where the strong Castle of St. Angelo is founded, and many other things I remark'd, too tedious here to be inserted; till wearied in so large a space, and my Stomach told me it was time to provide for it, home I went, where I found my last night's Com­panion Cooking a good Dish of Fish; I desired to put in with him, and he quickly granted my Request.

Dinner ended, he asked me if I would not go and see their Play that Afternoon. I told him with all my Heart. But I had better have kept away, for I narrowly scaped a Mawling. It seems this Play [Page 170] had been Acted before, and very much disliked; whereupon they had promised this day to present another: but my New Acquaintance, who was the Com­poser of it, thinking to keep up his Ho­nour by retrieving the Disgrace, upon some Alterations, resolved once more to try its Fortune.

The Curtain being drawn, and the Audience in great Expectation; I, as a Friend, had liberty to be on the Stage; when the First Scene beginning with a War, after a Flourish of Trumpets, my Friend advanced, compleatly Armed, Back, Breast, and Head, as a General, with a Truncheon in his Head: And well it happened he was so well fortified; for the People no sooner perceived they were defeated of their Expectation, but with loud Clamours, not giving him leave to speak, they sent a Hail-Storm of Cudgels; Brick-bats, Stones, Stools, Benches, and whatever they could get, or tear up, at the poor General, with such Fury, that had he not made, as well as my self, who received part of the Blows, a hasty Retreat, upon the impru­dent Advance made too near the Ene­mies [Page 171] Quarters; 'tis ten to one whether he had been brought off alive or not: and nothing could appease this Popular Fury, which had tore down the House like a Whirlwind, had it lasted Half an hour longer; but a Restitution of their Money, and a Promise to so many of them as would enter their Names, to be admitted Gratis to a Play, the next Eve­ning: and so going home, I pay'd off my Lodging, and took leave of my Company, that I might be the better at leisure to stumble on some fortunate Ad­venture.

CHAP. XVII.

I Had heard much of the great Num­ber of Courtesans, kept here to sup­ply [Page 172] the Lusts of those that could supply them with Money; when having tra­vell'd a great part of the morning in viewing the Churches, Pallaces of Prin­ces, and Colleges, grown weary, I sate me down on a Bench before a Mercer's Shop, when immediately up came two of them, (as I perceived by their cove­ring their Faces with Hoods so transpa­rent that they could see and not be seen,) and taking me to belong to the Shop, de­manded whether we had any Silks of the Newest Fashion, I told them No; but a Caravan was expected in a day or two; and if they pleased to tell me where I might wait on them, I would bring Pat­terns of such as was very choice. This stumbled them a little; but after they had compared Notes together, they said they knew not the Name of the street, as being New-comers where they lived; but if I would go with them, they could show me. I knew this was a Wheedle, yet resolved to venture; for now I writ my self Man, and thereupon stepping into the Shop to the 'Prentice, as if I had given him charge of the Business; on the contrary I only asked him for a [Page 173] shamm Name, which he assured me he knew not, and so came out again to 'Squire my Ladies to their Lodging.

Being at the Door, I would have taken my Leave; but they cryed, Nay Sir, but you shall walk in, and take a Glass of Wine, since you have taken this trouble upon you: for they now took me for no less than the Master, seeing me as I came along bowing to some Noble-men and Magi­strates we met, as well as wealthy Citi­zens, and they in Civility re-saluted me; they showed me into a very curious Chamber, hung with Tapestry or Wain­scot, gilded in the Sashes, and hung with variety of Pictures: at length we sate down at a Table, and drank plentifully as to my part, but they only seemingly, as to any purpose: then came in a Bas­ket of Sweet-meats and Fruits, which being lightly tasted, one of them called for her Lute, which she had no sooner tuned, but in came skipping a little Spa­niel and a Monkey, dressed in Dancers Habit, and about it they went so nimbly and exact in their steps and turnings, that I had seen but few Dancing-Masters who could out-doe them.

By this time the Maid came in, and as I suppose purposely, whispering the other; she withdrew, and left me with the other, who after some other Dis­course, began to talk very Amorously; and understanding I was a Batchelor, re­frained not to proffer her self as my School-Mistress, to teach me, as she said, a soft Love-Lesson: I was very willing to learn, but feared I should pay too dear for it: I knew she expected as much Silk as would make her a Gown at least, and how to come by it I knew not. At last, by her Perswasions, I consented to be her faithful Servant, and ruled by her every way. When being a little hot-headed, that I might not seem to be less than I had proposed my self, I in a Bravado drew out most of the Money I had got at the Ghost Scuffle: this new Allure­ment sweetned her Conceit; and so to pass away the time, we walked together down a Back-stairs into a very fair Gar­den, furnished and curiously set out with the most delicate Trees and Flowers that Italy afforded, and there in one of Venus's Bowers, a curious Umbrage consecrated to Love, I enjoyed the delicate Beauties [Page 175] of my Charming Nymph; which I re­peated with such Vigour, that she seem­ed mightily pleased with my perfor­mance: but as I thought before, the Bur­then of the Song was hopes of Gain.

After this, she gave me her delicate White Hand, and lead me into a Ban­queting House, where we were saluted with melodious Musick, and having been entertained with all manner of Delights on Free-cost, I took my Leave, promi­sing to send my Rich Presents. Upon this, away I trudged to the Mercer's, and told him a great Lady (whose Name I had learned, and who had a House near the Apartment of these Courtesans) had sent me to desire him to let his Man carry her some of the Richest Silks his Shop afforded: To which he consented, as knowing her, and to the Youth gave them in Charge, which was but newly come to him, and therefore the easier to be imposed on. I lead him through as many By-streets as I could, to lose his way, and at last fixing my Eyes on a House that had a Through-fare, in I went, desiring him at the Door to deliver his Cargo, that I might show it my Lady; [Page 176] but instead of doing that, I made an Ex­cuse to the People, after I asked for a strange Name, and they had told me no such Person lodged there, that I found my self mistaken, and desiring to go thro' the House into the back-street, I left my young Merchant in the Lurch, to return to his Master, after long time having ex­pected my Return, with a lamentable Story of Sharpers. Having thus gotten what I aimed at, away I went to my Mistresses, who received me very kindly, and there I revelled some Days; but up­on a thorow Search made throughout the City in all suspected Houses, our Quarters were beat up about Midnight: I happened upon the Alarm, to peep out, and spy the Officers, and fearing the Consequence, put on my Cloaths, went down, and stood up close behind the Door, after I had opened it; so that when they rushed in, out I slipt: but upon search the Silks being found in the House, the two Charming Venus's, not­withstanding all the Excuses they made, were hurried to Prison, and soon after as I heard, had Scarlet Laces fixed on their tender white backs by the Lictor or Pub­lick [Page 177] Whipper of the City, and forced o­ver and above to pay a very dear Rate for their supposed Elemosinary Finery.

CHAP. XVIII.

THe fear of Discovery upon this Prank, made me skulk about in the most private Corners; till finding a Ship in the Tiber, of my own Country, and bound thither, I so ingratiated my self with the Master, that he suffered me to embark for a Passage; yet it was some time e'er he sailed. In the mean while, I ventured in search of Adventures; and perceiving the Door of Lateran Church open, in I went and found the People at High Mass, every one as they entred [Page 178] casting Money into a Box that stood un­der the Image of the Virgin Mary, which made me itch to be fingering it: when taking my Opportunity, with an old crooked Nail I soon picked the Lock, and crammed as much of the Treasure as I could into my Pockets: but doing it over-hastily, and dropping some Pieces, they made such a gingling on the Marble Pavement, that as Ill Luck would have it, I was discovered, seized, and dragged before Cardinal Cibo; who examining Witnesses as to the Fact, and finding it plain, exclaimed against me by the Titles of Rogue, Rascal, Sacrilegious Villain, and Heretick, and was just about con­demning me to the Flames: when fal­ling on my Knees, with up-lifted Hands and Tears in my Eyes, I begged his E­minency to hear me; which after much storming he granted, and silence being made, in a piteous Tone I told him, That being a vile, wicked Wretch, and brought up a Hugonot, coming to this City in great Distress and Poverty, I had made my Prayers before the Image of the Blessed Virgin to relieve me in my hard Necessity; and in consideration of [Page 179] that, I would turn Roman Catholick, and ever be her Votary; when all on a sudden, the Box under her Image flew open, and she pointed with her Finger to the Treasure, making a dumb shew with nodding her Head for me to supply my self out of it, which I had thankful­ly done, with a resolve to keep my Vow.

This being heard with much Patience and Attention, I perceived the furious Cardinal to lessen his Anger by degrees; when all on a sudden lifting up his Hands and Eyes, he cryed out A Miracle! A Miracle! which all the rest gabled out aloud, and concluded that none might more properly dispose of that Treasure than the Virgin to whom it was offered: whereupon I was carried back to the Church in Solemn Procession, and round it on Mens Shoulders in Triumph, whilst Ave Maria was sung by the Priests, and I placed before the High Altar; being afterward dismissed with great Applause. Since which, I have considered most of the Miracles of that Church have their rise from such Fallacies.

This Success and Escape emboldened me to a greater: For one day going in­to [Page 180] St. Peter's Church, I perceived the Priest put a Silver Crucifix, of great value, into a Sepulchre, as their, Cere­mony is, upon the Resurrection; and whilst they were going round in their Devotion, I, by the Art of Hocus Pocus, convey'd it into my Breeches, and shuf­fl'd among the Croud: So that when he came back to it, crying, Non est hic, sed surrexit, ‘"He is not here, but is risen,"’ he found it so indeed; for, after much fumbling, he perceiv'd his graven G [...]d was gone: And I made as much hast to get away for fear of a Search. So getting on Board the Ship, ready to Sail, I bid a lasting Farewel to Rome.

CHAP. XIX.

ON Board our Ship, I found, among others, a kind of counterfeit Hermit, or Pilgrim, w [...] had taken that Garb, the better to shroud his Rogueries, as he told me many others did; and among other Stories, he told me of the Trick he had put upon Pope Innocent XI. viz. That coming to Rome, and pretending he came from visiting the Holy Sepulchre at Jerusalem, and all the other Places usually visited there by Pilgrims, he desir'd to be admitted to the Pope's presence, as he said, for his Benediction or Bles­sing, but more truly, in hopes of getting Money out of him, which he usually gave Pilgrims at their return from that Holy Place; but was told by the Cardinal, That he could not be admitted, unless he brought some Reliques. He told him, He had some at his Hermitage. And so taking leave, after rambling about the City, heard an old fat Hostess had been lately hang'd for poisoning one of her Guest, and that she was delivered to the Surgeons to be Anatomiz'd. This put a strange Whim in his Head; which was to get the skinny circle of her merkin Hair; and all which, one of the Surgeons Men, for [Page 182] half a Duckat help'd him to. This he dry'd and comb'd out, and so return'd to the Cardi­nal, telling him he had brought St. Peter's Beard, which he bought, at a great Price, of the Fa­thers of the Sepulchre. The Cardinal admired at this, and looking earnestly on it, clapt it on his Muzzle, saying, If it was true, it were a Jewel worth a Kingdom; and immediately in­troduc'd him to His Holiness, who was in as much Wonder, strictly examining the Truth of it, saying, They had his Scull already, but never heard his Beard was preserved. But he gave them such plausible Reasons, as to the Truth of it, that he gained Credit: And the Pope putting it upon his Mouth, as the Cardinal had done, and in a manner worshipping it, deman­ded why there was so much Hair on the one side, and so little on the other. O, said our coun­terfeit Pilgrim, Your Holiness well knows St. Peter was a Jew by Brith, and used to play much on the Jews-Harp; so that by often rubbing and twanging with his Finger, he rub'd off the Hair on the right side of his Face.

This gaining Credit, it was set up in the Repository of Rarities, in a Crystal Shrine, to be adored by superstitious Votaries, and a Hundred Duckats were order'd our Pilgrim; who, fearing the Cheat should come to light, had now left the City. Many other Stories we had by the way, which lasted us to Marseilles; where landing, I was overjoy'd to be once more in my own Country after so many Perils and Dangers, but in my Travels found it every where very much wasted and impoverished, a great number of People being reduc'd to the [Page 183] last Extremity of Life, by hard Taxes, Oppres­sions, and other Grievances. However, on I trudged through many desolate Places, the de­serted Seats of the Hugonots, or Protestants, who by violent Persecution, were driven out, or fled almost out of the Countrey. Coming to my Father's House, I found he was kill'd in the Wars about half a Year before in Flanders, whose Death my Mother, poor Soul, had taken so grievously, that she died, as some say, of Grief, and as others, of a certain Fire that burnt too hot inwardly. But what troubl'd me most, my dear Lady having turn'd her fumbling Lord into the other World, had foolishly left the Pleasures of Life, and bury'd her self alive in a Nunnery, upon notice the Lord I travel­led with, was murthered in an Inn at Pavia.

Being now a free Denison of all the World, I resolved to continue living by my Wit; and our Family by these sad Disasters having broke up House-keping, I haunted the Court, and easi­ly found those that could Pimp best had the grea­test Preferments bestowed on them. I insinua­ted my self, by that means, into the Favour of the Court Ladies, as knowing how my Mother had prospered in that Trade. I sometimes helpt them to Gallants, or in the Dusk of the Eve­ning, lay'd their By-blows at such Noblemens Doors as I conceived they most properly be­longed to; and resolving on a Frollick one Evening, looking on every side for fear of Dis­covery, Two thumping Boys that were brought me, neatly plac'd in a Basket, by a Waiting-Woman to a youg Lady, with whom I had seen the great Lewis very familiar, I tyed it a [Page 184] about the Neck of his famous Statue, (set up in Honour of that Monarch, by Monsieur de Louis) with this Distich:

This being found upon the going about of the Guards, great Enquiry was made, by the King's Order, after him that had presumed so great an Affront, and a Fryer of the Carmelite Order, having preached a little before against the Vices of the Court, and glanced much in his Discourse upon this Monarch, he was suspe­cted to be the Author or Contriver of it, and so was put to the Rack; who in his Tortures confessed what he had never done, and was fair­ly hang'd for my Roguery.