DULMAN TURN'D DOCTOR, Councelling his brother Dunce how to peerk to preferment.

To the Reader only thus much.

REad on but laugh not, till thy heart do ake,
Yet grieve and groane for Philomusus sake,
This locoserious Tragecomicall
Rapture, is mirthfull, though Satyricall.
Some wit with sollid truth is here so mixt,
Domocritus with Heroclitus sixt
That sweete and sowre, salt suger in this scroule
Is Physiek for the times, thy body, soule.
Tooke as a Paper Purge for one poore penny,
Thy squinzees may he curde, if thou have ans.

DƲIMANS documents to his bro­ther DƲNCE.

POore Dunce my friend, familiar, and sworn brother
Whom I more largely love, then any other,
How ere thou nick-nam'd be Dunce, Dolt, Foole, Sor,
Simplicius block, blind-asinus and what not;
For whose just brands I greive, thou well mayst thinke
As to se Geese goe barefoote, Ducks to drinke,
Yet thou art dear, to me as Asse to Mule,
As Goose to Gander, Buffon to Knave Foole.
Gnato to Thraso, Woodcock to a widgyon,
Pyannat in a Rochet to a Pigion.
And for thy good, my braines I do spung yet,
To knock into thy head some little wit.
Hence heare and heed, my nocuments for thy good,
Lodge in thy noddle and right understood,
My Cannons and my cautions, (tho Sneak, Snake,
Or Pest thou be) they for thy good may make.
First then, thoughtimes be Luxate out of tune,
As fretts in Musicks, Cuckowes notes in June,
Yet since that Medlars nere be ripe, till ror,
Meddle not with them for they be too hot.
When Pellicans flap at slames to save their brood,
They but their owne wings scortch and do no good,
When ought amisse thou spiest, looke through thy fin­gers
And seale thy lips, close as Cathedrall singers,
(Silentians now) a Turkish mute,
Or a dumb Oxe, with worst times now best suite,
Wincke (Lyon like) in pollicy yet wake,
Se and say nought, though mad worke many make,
Sir and be silent and say nought but Mum,
Its the road way to make a woman dumb,
Though in Scold-Allia, Giglitania borne,
Schism Allia, or Tub Allia Gifts to scorne,
As Micholl once mockt David, Jshmael
Sarahs blest son: Heire to Gods Israel.
Looke at most men like Lyons in a grate,
Yet come not in their pawes at any rate.
Live to thy selfe, and lurke in Cacus Denn,
Or in the Cyinks Tub, avoid most men,
With Petrark, Tully,
In Tusculano
pent in Country Farms
(As our late Lipsius,
In An­gulo a­gri.
thou maist shun most harms
Ere any thou call friend, drink with him Malt,
Dutch like well watered with him eate much salt,
Ioab for Ionathan, yea Aspe or Viper,
Least hugde thou dance, too late without a Piper.
Wed not with Courtizan, nor scold, nor slut,
To Horne thy head, thy heart vex, baine thy gut.
But if I may perswade the (as once blocks
Daunc'r after Orpheus) fly stom Wedlocks locks
Thou art a simple, stand and keepe thy ground,
Be not so simple yet, as to compound,
Staggs, Bucks, and Hinds on Mountains will live free,
Rather then sadled Horse or Asse to be,
From Women steering then, as Syrens Rocks
For feare of after claps of after knocks
If thou with men wilt walke, as penny wise,
For suddain rising learne to temporize,
For to prevent Times shocks, are rocks and dolours
Polip [...]ze Camelionize into all colours,
J [...]st Proteus like, Hares Hedg-hogs, wit do show,
Changing their formes as every wind doth blow,
More meale to milnes, more Fish to net this brings,
Then begging in the goulden times of Kings,
Or Pirchus, Caesar and great Alexander,
Who rich in Hopes, inriched each Commander.
As Players then do cun their Cewes by hart,
Smdy the gainfull gnatonizing Art,
But above all, for place, grace, gold and drosse,
Commence Dunce Doctor quickly at dawes crosse,
And though the spirit of a vane delusion,
Haunt the like Ahabs prophets to confusion,
Pretend Enthusiasmes, Raptures, and the spirit,
This more then learned Arts, wit, worth demerrit,
Above all principles of Matchavil,
All Gusmans wiles, works of Achithophel,
All cheating cunny catching Cards and Dice,
Monopolizing gets the in a trice.
Reputes Friends favours, dust both red and yellow,
If thou canst schismes broach from thy Hogshead shal­low
And though thou beest but a fantastick Else,
Yet this will get the praise, and silver pelfe
And plump thy panch with wines, and belly cheare
As if thou feasted by Lucullus were;
Yea thou shalt be esteemde the eigth wise man,
Learnd Doctor worth a Goose, and thou a Swann,
As rare as ever sung in Thames or Po.
All Paganish learning thou wilst out shine so.
No Gypsie, Wizard, Witch Nicromantizer,
No Grand Iroposter shall be held a wiser,
Lurke but in stables, corners, barnes, blind cellers,
Thou shalt moe Clyents have then fortnne-tellers,
No jugling Jesuites wonder-working Fryers,
No miracle minting, monks masse, (asse) Priests lyers,
No Physiogmonists, prophets Magitians
Quack-salvers Empericks, Mount-banks cald Physitians
And none by Palmstry who gull poore souls,
Shall be cry'd up, by gandarized Noules,
Above poore the, a witlesse worthlesse body,
Who playst amongst them all thy games at noddy,
And ever when thou robdst, or winst at hitter,
Thou Knave oath clubs turnes up, none doth it fitter,
To swell bigg as a Preacher (we I nigh burst
Like A [...]sops Frog) if that thou have a lust.
This above Kellies Phylosophick stone,
Or Fortunatus purse: is all in one,
As high as Pewes and Pulpits to advance
Thy blockish Ignorance, proud arrogance,
In Campes in Countries Villages, and Cities
Whilst Phylomusus, though that he all wit is
Of Dunce and Dulman shall be scornd sans pitties,
Weele make him sigh Elegiakes, dolefull ditties,
Hang down his head like to a bulrush weake,
Or Cock beate out o'th pit, who scarce can creake,
Yea he shall se a moore-cock, poore cock, base
Wise as a Woodcock, peerkt up to his place,
By some wise as himself, who for him strike
With armed power, from bodkin to halfe Pike:
Thou and I will be joviall like mad Greekes,
Spurning wits Arts, and learning like young leekes,
No more esteeming Gifts, in best Devine,
Then Doggs do hony combes, or pure pearles swine,
Whil'st Philomusus shall out mourne even Swanns
Doves, nest rob'd Niti [...]gals and Pellicans,
And Dowlands Lachrimae sing with sad cheares,
Or Ovids Niobe dissolvd to reares,
His gifts disgraced, silenced his parts
Logicke Philosophy and the liberall Arts
All Mystick Sciences deepe and profound,
To profound Jgnorance, shall now give grounds;
Yea Elocurion memory quick wit,
This Curtian gulph shall swallow up each whit,
Greek, Hebrew, Lattine, tongues, and powerfull zeale,
Hstory Theology shall be held a sweale
But of a Candle, or a Candles snuffe
Pust out: all tooke Tobacco like in puffe,
By us whose zeales do boile, like scums in por,
In Ignorance wee have a goodly lor,
But in a spirit Eutopean far the more,
These two the Goddesses be which we adore,
With priests of Priapus and Venus Nuns,
(We sleight these Artists, and their paper Guns.
These our Dianaes great Apolloes be,
Pallas, Minerva, and the Muses we
Scoffe as meere scare-crowe's in a cherry tree,
By Rattles, Horses frighted are, not we
Arts Idoles were in Bishop Quondams daies,
Now Almanacks past date, to Mars be praise,
Webetter web will spin with Rock and Spindle,
Without all yearne, then Artists with wits nimble,
We do but turne the cock our waters run,
Our Doctrines drop from Clouds: the Spirit's our sun,
O worthy brother hold we but to that,
Then like to paper Squibs we sc [...]ffe their char,
And to indoctrinare something more free,
Thy dull plumbeous ceribrositie
Be sure to hit the way to Dunstable,
Then tho a Scavenger, or Constable,
Borcher or taylor, from the needle train'd,
To the sharpe pike thou hast a trade retain'd,
Will hold thy head up higher, then all merrit,
If thou can'st bravely brag thou hast the spirit,
(Though but of Iezebels prophets: Lucifer)
This will advance the, place the, grace the farr.
My doubty Dunce, coine credit worship both,
To gaine, all spiried errours (though meere froath)
As Damocles did Dionisius spittle,
Lick them as Bauline, this will the gaine, no little
Exroll Paus pipe as Midas did of old,
Thine Asses eares may so be tipt with gold,
Say Paetus daughters be more faire, more wise
Then Iun [...], its the only way to rise,
Cry that poore preaching Pedlars better ware
Vent then rich Merchants, this will make the rare.
But cheif if any vent, the least pure wit,
Riddle or history modest Ieast, break sit:
(Though Sampson and Elias did the same)
Close sting them yet, they and their wirs, proclaime
As froath, lose, vaine: where thou can'st, not do like,
Barke, bite, detract, calumniate dislike,
Sneakes, snakes, in blacks, dyde blocks, can aemulate
And teeth show, where they cannot imitate.
Say that all Churches be but sleepled stones
Except in corners cast, mongst holy one
Learned Tub-tatlers, and inspirde barn-bablers,
This will the grace amongst plebean squablers,
Bray what thou wilt, more then Cumanus Asse,
But in a Lyons skinne, withall to passe
For Lamb or Sheepe tho like a Fox too badd
Thou smell) in a white Lambs skinne yet be clad,
For thou wilt nere effect thine ends in evill,
Unlesse thou seemst an Angell, or white Devill,
So in Religious Maskes, broach plots from hell,
Like Herod Ishmaell Iudas Iezabel,
Cheif cloake all sects schismes, pests with faire pretence
Of Liberty for sooth of conscience
So the Iews Thalmand, Alchoran of Turks,
And popish Masse, may further thy worst works
Observe all humours; but reprove them nor,
For then some kicking heeles full well I wor,
Wert thou a Paul, would spurne the out of place
(As Gadarens did Christ) would hate the, Barrabas grace
Desart lies dead, the way to rise is flatter,
To fall is truth Crowes will do more then charten
Even picke out eyes of those, their nests who spoile
Michaes and Labans rore, and keepe strange coile
For Idols refr; for Houshold Gods not Goods
Pagans have hazzarded their lives and bloods;
Therefore deare Dunce to sleepe in thy warme skin
No Schisme tax, tho hell harched nor no sin.
Boyes will adore that Master as half God,
VVho casts away both Ferula and Rod,
And liberty gives to Iack to sport with Gill,
To play the wantons, and do what they will,
Once get a Christ and then keepe Holyday,
Pure soules it is the flesh that sins not they.
And yet I know without a Christ possest,
In body spirit soule none can be blest,
Our Brother Mahomet, in his sect thus thrives
Allowing lusts, wine, weomen many wives
And so shall we: well brother cunn your Cew
Now taught, and till we meere againe adew.

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