IT is well known that in Diebus illis, in former times, I was a very dirty myry Smithfield, & a ve­ry Dunghill of deformities, untill the city brought me into compasse, rayling me in on every side, that I might come into due form and proportion.

Now there comes into the walks in Smithfield many horses, various in shape, colour, and condition, which are rodden together in a shufling pace to allure & draw on buyers: I could wish therfore for novelties sake, that all ignorant Asses, black, red-gray & brown, might be all brought on a day into Smithfield, for else they will never be sold to their worth, and let them be ridden with bridles of authority in their mouths, or else they will fall to braying and rayling against their Gover­nours, and Masters: for an Asse when he is angry wil encounter with a Lyon, though he lose his skin; but if these Asses kick and fling against their Riders autho­rity, let them be tyed to my Rails in Smithfield, or to the sign-posts that stand a crosse, for if they be thus hal­tred it will learn them more wit.

But because I Smithfield am no Scholler, nor under stand any thing but Horses and Oxen, who with their hoofes would sain beat wit into me, but cannot: & ther­fore setting learning aside and beyond my Barres, I will séek all the Corners of my Invention, especially my Tavern corners, and with the vermillion colour of wine, paint out and describe my Market or Fayre of Asses in such manner as I can fashion and form them according to Smithfields fancie.

First, you know that the spirit seasonable, if it could [Page] assume an unreasonable figure and shape, might and would appeare often in the forme and likenesse of an Asse, but of severall conditions and qualities; so that Smithfield doth in this fained Fayre or Market intend to describe and explaine the colours, complexion, pro­perties and conditions of severall sorts and kindes of verationall qualities that may bee denominated and called Asses, for Smithfield medles with no persons but asse-like properties.

The Ignorant Asse is the asse of asses, most excel­lent and eminent in non-sence and want of understan­ding, he is dull of conceit, and his words walke alone without wit in a slow asse-like pace, and this asse is a fumbler at all things, and a great stumbler, especially at strawes, he is feareefull as it is the nature of igno­rance to be, and will start at every thing, this asse knowes nor understands any thing but eating and drinking, pissing and farting, and living according to instinct of Nature.

The proud Asse is contrary to the former, for hee holds up his head as if it were full of braines, when there's nothing but empty windines, yet he will play with his Bridle, looke often upon his legs and body, & then smile to himselfe, as if hee would say, how brave am I? Alexanders Bucephalus was a Iade in respect of me, this kind of animall thinks himselfe wise, and scornes all but himselfe.

The Covetous Asse loves to carry burthens and heavie loades of Cabbages and Turnips, but never eates a bit, takes paines and weares his hoofes to pie­ces with trotting up and downe to gather wealth for others, hope of profit is his onely provinder, which makes this asse look so thin and leane, that one of his jaw bones would serve Sampson to kill a 1000. Phili­stines withall; he had rather part with skin than his riches, which when he dyes hee leaves behinde him to [Page] some young heyre that is an arranter asse then himself. But to come to the asses of the times, is not the petty-fogging Lawyer a kind of stupid Dulman, that has been indeed in much request, and many Countreymen have appeared in the shape of Angels to make these asses speake as Balaams did, but now they may shake their long eares, for they can no longer graze upon and devoure the poore Commons, so that now they are growne stark dumbe, and if they will do any thing they may turne Porters, because they how to carry the mat­ter very well.

But there are certaine kind of asses that have raw wits and Round-heads, these are mad kicking flinging animals, that can't endure the Bridle of Authority, and if they come by any thing that is like a crosse, they will start and turn back again, and run out of the way with their Prick-eares as if they were mad, in the Country they will trot five or sixe miles to Church, and returne againe without eating a bit, and in London in regard of their proud abominable ignorance, bleating & bray­ing of Sermons out of Tubbes, and for their blockish stubbornenes in scorning Learning, they may be justly called stiffe-necked asses.

There are another sort of asses that voe think them­selves fine fellowes, because they can in an obstrepe­rous manner outswagger the Devill, and so thunder out execrations against the poore Round-heads, that they dare not shew their heads when the Rattle-heads be in place: so that the one seemes like Sampson with a long bush of hayre as if his strength lay therein, and the other Rotundian animall lookes with a supercili­ous countenance as smooth as a scalded Pigge; and therefore the one doth reside at York, and the other that is the Round-heads live plentifully at racke and man­ger in London.

If you desire to know the symptomes and signes of your gray Asses, they are so big-bodyd and so well trap­ped with gold and silver, that you cannot overlook them, they are somewhat stricken in yéeres, and by the state­linesse of their pace you would thinke them as wise as a City Iustice, this asse gets on the Lions skin, and with the authority of his warrants frights delin­quents, and at a Sessions he brayes on a Bench, if he be of the inferiour sort, his gray head shakes with a Palsie ague, and he walks on thrée Legs that is by the support of his staffe, and at last marries a yong wench when he can neither neigh nor wag tayle.

There is moreover a mad-braind Asse, that is so wilfull, that he will not be reformed by any good coun­sell, but will violently run on in all pernicious courses, he will run his head against a post if he be angry, and will stray abroad into all wild and vitious paths, until at last hee be caught and put into the Pound, that is, into the Counter or Ludgate.

The Cock braind Asse is somewhat like the mad-braind, but they differ because the Cock-braind is ever running after females, and affecting change in all things, this Asse will leape his Neighbors wife, and will breaks over the hedge of Matrimony to come at her, hee will take a journey onely to see Townes, or to dine at Barner and come back againe, for his actions are precipitate without any intention or end, he loves to be in the fashion, weare fine cloathes and have a new Mistris, when he has the happinesse to purchase a new suit, this is a kind of Taylors asse, that changes him­selfe into all shapes and colours.

The haire-braind Asse is timerarious and rash, and casting up his head will rush forward though hee fall into a ditch or quagmire, this Asse will without any advice runne his head into the Halter of Marriage, or [Page] debt, and sometimes by stobbing and committing man­slaughter, brings himselfe to sing a pen [...]tentiall Psalm at Tyburne, hee is very much subject unto Quarrels, and vents his ordinary anger with beating his wife and servants, or breaking his Tobacco pipes against the walls, age and the whip of wedlock may tame this Asse.

Besides all these there are many other Asses, as your Frenchified asse, that goes stradling with his legges so wide asunder, that a wheelebarrow may runne be­twéene them, and this came with leaping of Mules and Muliers, that is women.

There are also intelligent Asses that will discourse profoundly of matters above their understanding. And valiant asses, that when they come into the Field will shoote wet powder backward, and beshite themselves for feare. Folly therefore being ashamed that the old Proverbe is true, Stultorum plena sunt omnia, the world is full of Fooles and asses, hath framed this pe­tition against all sorts of asses.