BON jour Mon Cousin.

I hope your Majesty will excuse my want of Breeding. To tell you the Truth, Sir, I am quite out of love with any thing of French.

Why so out of humour, Sir?

Not without Cause, Sir, if I may be a Judge in my own Case; I presume your Majesty can­not but know the Occasion.

Upon my Honour, not I; Madam de Maintenon and I have been Solacing our selves, congra­tulating each other upon the good News of a Peace.

And I upon the same Ac­count have been Cursing my Cruel Fate, and False Friends.

Sir, I hope you are not come to affront me. But that I am in an extream good Humour, I might have resented such an Ex­pression.

Your Majesty may do with me as you please; I have lost Three Kingdoms already, and I have nothing left now worth lo­sing.

Come, Sir, let me desire you to curb your Passion, and guide your self by Reason.

Is this a time to talk of Reason, when Experience tells me I am in a fair way to beg my Bread?

What would you have me do?

As you promised me, Sir, and as I promised my dear Friends soon after I came here, That you would not put up your Sword, till you had revenged my Quarrel, and replaced me on the Throne from whence the Heretical Crew expelled me.

'Tis true, Sir, I drew my Sword, and will not put it up my self; yet upon a second Conside­ration, the Dauphin shall; and real­ly it is not just he should inherit a wasted Kingdom, nor that I should [Page 4]entail upon him a perpetual War with his Neighbours; therefore I have advised him to take your Grandfather's Motto, Beati Pacifici; knowing by my own Experience the fatal Mischiefs of War.

Truly, Sir, I think you cannot in Honour make a Peace with the Prince of Orange, so long as he keeps me out of my Throne.

Put Interest in one Scale, and Honour in the other, you'll find it a meer Trifle.—Necessity has no Law.—You have been my Pensioner these Nine Years, and not only your self and Bedfellow, but the little Prince, as you call him, and a Gallimaufrey of Highlanders, Rapparees, and Renegado's, have been fed and cloathed at my Charge. Is all this nothing?

Worse than nothing, Sir, except you had compleated that meritorious Work of Re-enthroning me. But if I had had the least thoughts how I should have been served, I would long ere now have come to Composition with my Subjects: The English are na­turally Honest and Good natur'd, and I am perswaded would have allowed me the Interest, though not the Principal.—But now, Sir, I have no hopes.—

Recollect your Memory, and you may remember that I lent you an Army in Ireland, which with your own Courage, and the Assistance of some able Friends in England and Scotland, might have enabled you to regain your Post; but no sooner did the King of Eng­land offer you Battle, but away you run, and left my Men to [Page 6]be knockt o'th' Head at the Boyne.

Natural Infirmities, Sir, you know are unavoidable. 'Twas nothing but what I deriv'd from my peaceable Grandfather; my Brother Charles had a little of his Hypocrisy, and I too much of his Courage; yet, Sir, I can remem­ber how I swing'd the Dutch brave­ly, when I peept out of my For­tification of Cable-Ropes, and cried Halloo Boys, halloo. Oh! how I made the Rogues scamper!—but now I grow old and unfit for Mar­tial Exercise.—

Luis d'ores you have squan­dred away without number, under pretence of Secret Service, for sup­plying the Necessities of the Loyal Clergy, for Correspondence with Great Men at Court; providing Arms and Ammunition to beat up the Prince of Orange's Quarters, [Page 7]and a round Sum for Pamphleteers, New-writers, Ballad-makers, Pri­vate Presses, and Wagerers.—But where's the Fruit of all this?

Sir, you are too hasty; I had as fine a Plot on the Stocks as any Jesuit in Europe could in­vent, and would have Launcht it in two or three Months, if this damn'd Peace had not prevent­ed it.

Well remembred; This brings to mind your fertile Inventi­ons and Abortive Executions. I sup­pose you have not forgot the Che­valier Granvil's good Success; That was a rare Contrivance of yours, o' my word, had it been well effected!

Success is not in the Hands of Man, Sir; if it were, I had had as good Success with the Prince of Orange, as you had with the Duke of Loraine.

Your Son Berwick offer­ed to bring the Prince of Orange Dead or Alive, upon Condition that I would give him a Marshals Staff; but that Project fail'd.

'Tis true, Sir; the Duke took the Sacrament on't, but forgot Ned Petres Benediction. I'm sure I did my endeavour on my bare Knees; and if Ave-Mary's and Pater-Noster's would have effected it, I had carried the Day. For my part, I believe the Virgin was asleep, and St. Loyala thick of hearing, else why should I be thus disappoint­ed?

I'll tell you why, Sir; your Faith has not been well-grounded; you have expected Mountains, and are fain to content your self with Mole-hills; Could you ever think to reassume your Abdicated Throne, by the help of a pack of desperate [Page 9]forlorn Fellows, who have liv'd up­on the Odd Pence you could spare out of my Allowance? And whilst they pretended a Tenderness of Conscience, would have cut your own Throat with as little Remorse as Rookwood or Cranbourn would have Assassinated your Son-in-Law.

I am persuaded, Sir, That Glorious Work had been done by my Faithful Servants and Martyrs, had not those Two Traitors, De La Rue, and Pendergrass told Tales. I say, Sir, A man can do no more than he can do; and if such Enterprizes fail, we are the less beholden to Heaven.

I am sorry, Sir, you are Born under so Malevolent a Planet; If my Stars had been so unkind to me, I should scarce have been Louis Le Grand now, and weathered the [Page 10]Point through so many Campaigns as I have done. But now I grow in years, it is high time to be quiet, for I'd fain go to Heaven in Peace.

'Tis True, you have had better success than I, Sir; but you may thank your Ammunition, Sir, 'tis that has done you many a good piece of Service. You Charg'd your Cannon with Luid'ores, and fill'd your Bombs with Pistoles, which upon the first Discharge made the Gates fly open, and the Governors your Humble Servants.

Not always neither; you may remember how Ashby put a Trick upon me, and was the occasion of my losing the Royal-Sun, and put the Chevalier de Tour­ville in such a Disorder, that I could never since get him to look the English Fleet in the Face, [Page 11]though between you and I, I ne­ver intended he should.

That was a Disappoint­ment, Sir; But how was I served at Salisbury! but I'll say that for my self, if my Nose had not bled, I'd have spoil'd the Dutch having Trade for ever; but such things are ominous.

To none but Cowards, Sir; you might have kept your Kingdoms till now, had you shuffled your Cards well; but you Drove too fast to keep your self i'th Box.

I did all for the best, Sir, out of a tender regard to Mother-Church. It was upon that account, Sir, That I sent my Bro­ther Charles to Heaven a little be­fore his Time. He was too sluggish to promote the Catholick Interest, and therefore I sent him [Page 12]packing. In requital for this, and some other little Tricks I put upon my Subjects, they sent me to take the Air at St. Ger­mains; but I'll remember 'em, if ever I make 'em another Visit.

None but a Madman would hope for such a thing. However, Sir, I beseech you don't rely upon me for any Assistance; for to tell you the truth, I have done the utmost that lay in my power; I have Exhausted my Kingdom to that degree, both of Men and Money, that 'tis e'en heart sick, and I am afraid I shall hardly live to see it recover again. I have flung away Million after Million to gain the Universal Mo­narchy, but am farther from it now than ever. Had it not been for some Trusty Correspondents in England, who now and then presented me [Page 13]with a Brace or two of East-India Men, or a Virginia Fleet, I had been quite Unhing'd long ago.

I hope your Majesty for­gets the Service my Privateers have done sometimes.

Now and then, Sir, they have brought me in a Collier, or a Mackeril-Boat, but that won't pay my Armies. As for my Fleet, I have made but little use of them since the Surfeit they got at La Hogue, which made 'em keep a long Quar­rantain at Thoulon to my Cost, I'm sure, whilst the Confederates very bountifully flung their Fireworks into my Sea-port Towns for joy. But if you had had no other Allowance than the Purchase of your Priva­teers, you might have drank Small Beer and Beverage, instead of Champain and Burgundy.

My Men are afraid the Prince of Orange will put 'em to the squeak, if he gets 'em; and they are naturally averse to the smell of English Hemp. But if I live to see England again, I'll make your Maje­sty amends.

Pray don't let the thoughts of a Kingdom disturb you: I had great hopes once of being King of Great Britain my Self, and that would have made me Amends suffi­cient: But now neither you nor I are like to be the better for it.

Truly, Sir, to speak like a Philosopher, Crowns are but En­cumbrances; yet it goes a little a­gainst the grain, to see my Son-in-Law take up my Crown, before I think fit to lay it down.

You know the English Pro­verb, What can't be cur'd, must be [...]ndur'd. I have told you more than [Page 15]once, I have done to the utmost of my Ability; and I had better make a Peace with Honour, than be com­pell'd to it by Force. Heaven runs counter to all my Designs, and in­stead of giving Peace, I shall in a little time be glad to beg it: For Money I have none, and Men grow scarce; last Year I was in great hopes to have broke the League, and then I'de have pickt the Bones of the Confederates one after another, but that fail'd. This Year I made sure of the Spanish Flota that would have fill'd my Bags bravely, but was fain to content my self with the Plunder of Carthagena, and glad I got off so: The English Fleet have made themselves amends by Sacking Petit Guaves, and Snapping the Buccaniers. So that when all these things are considered, I shall hardly be Two-pence the better for the Expedition. [Page 16]I thought Pointi's Cargo would have been Gold Dust and Diamonds; but instead of that, he has brought me home the Twelve Apostles and the Virgin Mary, which for fear of displeasing the Clergy, I dare not melt.—You can't be ignorant what Showers of Gold I rain'd in Poland, to get the Crown for Conti, but there the Rogues have shamm'd me, and chose the Elector of Saxony. My good Friends and Allies at the Port are put to the Rout by the Imperialists: I wish I had Cheteau-Neuf in my Cabinet at Marli, he'll be torn a-pieces for telling such a pack of Lies. I made 'em believe I was strong enough to raise Contri­butions as far as the Gates of Vienna, but instead of that, Monsieur Choiseul is fain to content himself with pas­sing and repassing the Rhine, and has the satisfaction of seeing Eberenbourg [Page 17]taken before his Face. 'Tis true, I took Barcelona and Aeth, but had it not been to gain the Grand Point, I had rather have let it alone; how­ever it has saved the Hangman a labour, and me the trouble of Dis­banding a great many, who for want of Employment have turned Free-booters. And in Flanders, do what I can, your Son-in-Law is too cun­ning for me.

Then your Majesty is re­solved to sign Peace.

It is already done, Sir.

And has your Majesty ac­knowledged the Prince of Orange King of England whilst I live?

Upon the Word of a King I have.

I hope your Majesty has observed the Distinction between a King de Facto and de Jure.

Truly, Sir, it is too late now to mind Distinctions; I have done it, and can't undo it if I would; I must be a Slave to my Word now; and to confirm the Sincerity of my Intentions, have gi­ven him his Principality of Orange into the Bargain.

Then I'm undone indeed, for I design'd to have begg'd that for my share, and he should have been a Titular Prince as well as my self. But what Provision for my Son, the Prince of Wales?

None at all, Sir; if you are willing to take my Advice, send him to his Mother, if you know where to find her; or if you had rather, I'll prefer him to be a Valet de Chambre to the Dutchess of Burgundy.

No, Sir, I'll make him a Clergy-man, he's a forward Child. [Page 19]But, pray Sir, what separate Arti­cle for the Relief of those faithful, tho unfortunate Fools, the afflicted and distressed Cavaliers in England? I expect the first Fleet from thence will bring over some Thousands to implore your Majesty's Protection. I have nothing left to Succour or Support them my self, but I hope your most Christian Majesty won't forget their Service.

No, Sir, by no means, I design to present them to the King of Morocco; he's a dull Fellow, yet has done me some little Service a­gainst the Spaniards, and I ought to make him amends; but if he has no occasion for them, they'll serve to stock my Plantations; they have been Sick of the Scurvy a long time, course Fare, and hard Labour will be good for the Health of their Bodies.

Now it comes into my head, What does your Majesty think of a Descent upon Jerusalem, and the Holy Land? That would be a glorious Conquest.

Pray, Sir, trouble me no more with your Projects; I'll per­suade the Old Gentleman to send you a Cardinal's Cap to strengthen your Whimsical Brain; and for your Spouse, when an Abbessship is va­cant, I won't forget her. And so, Sir, adieu.