HELL in an Uproar, Occasioned by A SCUFFLE That happened between the LAWYERS And the PHYSICIANS, FOR SUPERIORITY.
A SATYR.
LONDON, Printed for S. Cook, and are to be Sold by most Booksellers in London and Westminster. MDCC.
Hell in an Uproar Occasioned by A SCUFFLE That happened between the Physicians and the Lawyers, &c.
IT was when Day had spun her Silver Thread,
And was withdrawn to rest her shining Head
In those dark Caverns where refulgent Light
Is conquer'd by the blackness of the Night;
And ev'ry Mortal which is weary goes
To rest him in the Arms of soft Repose,
That I laid on a downy Bed, till Thought,
By Morpheus, was to unthinking brought:
I mean the ever wakeful part, my Soul
From the confinement of the body Stole,
To View those places which could not be Ey'd,
Whilst I was in a carnal Prison ty'd.
Now, like those men whom flashes of false fire,
Delude to ramble through Brakes, Ponds, and Mire,
Thick Woods and Copses, over Hill and Dale,
But leave them when the Day pulls off her Vail
Of darkness, to Guild all the Earth with Light,
Some Miles from home in a perplexed Fright;
I follow'd Fancy wheresoere it went,
To give my Curiosity content;
Over high Mountains, Rivers, Capes, and Bays,
Through Deserts, Wildernesses over Seas,
[Page 4]But having viewed all the Surface side
Of this vast Globe I was resolv'd to Ride
Into the Bowels of the Earth, to spy
What Secrets in her Pregnant Womb did lie,
There Search'd I Crannies, Mines, each hollow Rock,
Nature's great Cabinet I did unlock,
To ramble in the Intrails of the Sea,
And all the Bounds of Neptune's Sov'raignty.
There Syrens on soft Beds of Sand were laid,
And Tritons under Coral-Arbours play'd.
Most monstrous Fish went rolling through the Waves;
And Ships lay rotting in those deepless Graves.
Then rov'd I to a Land which joyns to Hell.
Where as I was informed Death did dwell;
It's barren, cold, depopulated dark,
No light I saw but what flew from the Spark
Of Torches, or the Flames of funeral Piles,
Still us'd by Indians in the Eastern Isles,
Or from some Lamp which commonly doth Burn
For many Ages in a hidden Ʋrn
No Mortal Creature dwelt within his bounds,
But nasty Worms which made polluted Wounds,
In stinking Flesh and putrified Blood
Which there lay Tainting ever since the Flood.
And in the midst of this most dismal Land
The Court of Nature's Slaughter Man doth stand,
Whose Palace is hung inside and without,
With Agues, Dropsies, Chollicks, Palsies, Gout,
In fine with Cancers, Ruptures, Ʋlcer's, Pox,
And all the Plagues of Curst Pandora's Box,
There on a Throne rais'd on a high ascent
Of some great King's Sepulchral Monument,
[Page 5] Death, Hell's Purveyor, sate in Royal State,
Grinning at Man's most Miserable Fate,
Crowned with Wrath, he for his Scepter bore
An Iron Dart, that Reakt with humane Gore.
His Robes were made of Linnen Cloth, in which
The Romans Burnt the Bodies of the Rich,
To send their Souls to Heaven sooner, were
Dy'd crimson, Lined through with wasting Care,
Dispairing sorrows Anguish, furr'd with Fears;
His Crown was Studded with relenting Tears,
Which Wives for Husbands Shed; Men for their Wives,
Children for Parents, Maids for Sweethearts lives.
All those who waited on this King of Dread
Were Fairies, and the Manes of the dead,
And direful Hobgoblins, which delight
To ramble in the Dismal shades of Night.
In Meadows, Charnel-Houses, and Church-Yards;
To frighten Pavidmen, these are the Guards
Which go before the Harbingers of Hell,
Who on a Pale-Horse rides abroad to Kill.
Being Surprized at the Wretched Sight,
I view'd, on all sides of this Land of Night,
Between Resolves and Doubts, I could not tell,
Whether, I'd best come back or go for Hell.
At length Heart Prompting me to see the Place,
Swiftness was added to my former Pace;
I reached presently the Stygian Strand,
Where sacred Hermes with his opiate Wand,
Was stepping into Charon's Boat, with Souls
Whose Mittimus was to those blazing Goals
Of Pluto; spying me, his List he read,
To see if I belonged to the Dead.
[Page 6]But finding I was only crept away,
For Pleasure from Receptacles of Clay.
His Courtisy bade me step in the Boat,
And promis'd that he'd see me safely out
Again on Earth; by vertue of his Charms,
He'd shew me Hell, and keep me from her Charms.
Thanking the God for his great Favour, I
Step'd in amongst the rest, and Instantly
The Oars with thick-fetch'd Strokes conveyed us
Ashore, where the three-headed Cerberus
Barked with such a Shril resounding Yell,
That it Alarumed the Watch of Hell;
Who came to see what Souls were coming in,
The place were Sinners ever stay for Sin,
Now being enter'd the Infernal Gates,
I saw to my Amaze, the Ghastful Fates;
On Convex mounts of Ice, deep Sulphrous Lakes,
Where Furies with their Hairs of Hissing Snakes,
Tortur'd condemned Ghosts with Rods of Fire;
Plung'd 'em in Surges of Eternal Ire:
Others in concave Rocks were Chain'd, which Waves
Of boyling Brimstone dasht against; some Slaves
Of Terrors Skriekt to see the Gulf, which lies
Between their Torments and eternal Joys;
There Conscience flew about in dreadful Shapes
To Frighten all the Damn'd, for none escapes
The wrath of God. — I roved then through Dens
Of Horrour, nitrous Gullies, gloomy Fenns;
There's not a Rock but what was fill'd with fears,
Sighs, Screeches, Vengeance, Frights, and briny Tears
Which Scorched Tongues wou'd Lap, but can't; they ly
On killing Miseries, yet never die;
I to Amazement saw some Damned broyl
[Page 7]On Flakes of divine Vengeance; others boyl
In Surges of destructive Pitch and Lead.
The more they Roar'd, the more their Torments bred;
Some tumbling through the deep Abyss, but found
No bottom, then to fresher Pains rebound;
Devils for Madness of the overthrow,
Which makes 'em walk on Pavements, which do Glow
Much hotter than consuming Aetna, where
Great Pumice-Stones do Scorch the limpid Air;
And from her burning Bowels, Flames are tost
Till Fields are in the midst of fire Lost.
On some their Fury Wreak, which dire sights
Did fill my Innocence with bitter Frights.
Soaring through gleaming Airs where Daemons rule,
My progress was prevented at a Pool,
The vast Extent of which did seem to lie
Beyond the Verge of deep Eternity;
To tell the height the Sulph'rous Waves did rise
It is impossible, the lofty Skies
Shew not so high from Earth, as they did Flounce
On Billows, which so Terrible did bounce
As if the Magazines of Thunder were
At once discharg'd to rend the liquid Air.
No Souls was Tortur'd there, and asking why,
I was inform'd, the Damned when they Lye,
Felt not the pains they must feel; that's the place
Where Souls shall suffer Pains in full; none Trace,
Not Pluto King of Hell himself, that way
Of burning Horrours, till the judgment Day,
Upon the Banks of that Eye frightning Shore,
(Where Wrath and Plagues will be encreased more
On Tortur'd Ghosts, which never will consume)
Reside the Regents of eternal Gloom.
[Page 8] Perplext as well as those which Humane were,
In Tortures, Griefs, and Pains which endless are.
But yet insulting over damned Souls,
Which stumble (more the pity) there in Shoals.
Returning on the wings of winged Speed,
From those Apartments which makes conscience Bleed
To lightsom Earth there happened to be
An Uproar in these plains of Misery,
So very terrible and great, that all
The fallen Angels fear'd a second Fall.
I espyed by the signs that flew about,
Physicians and the Lawyers had fell out,
For in the Scuffle 'tween the doating Sots
There flew glass Bottles, Urinals, and Pots,
Black Velvet Coats, and Beasts-Skins stuft with Hay,
Happy the Soul that's farthest from the Fray,
Here Tipt-Staves knockt down some, there Maces beat
Teeth down their Throats, in this great feud and heat,
The Purses fly as thick as Hail, Caps, Gowns,
Coifs, Writs of Errour, there a Lawyer frowns
And throws about Indentures, Leases, old
Worm-eaten Statute-Books, but Pluto told
Of the Rencounter, sends his Guards to quell
Those common Barretters of Peace, and Hell,
And issu'd out Ne exeat Regno Writs
That strangers should not leave those Sulphurous Pits,
Till the ringleaders of this hellish Rout
Were to a publick Court of Justice brought,
And try'd for the offence: so, fore'd to stay,
I heard the Tryal e're I came away.
The Court now set, and Pluto likewise there,
But Pluto, in whose Eyes appeared Ire,
And sparkled nothing but Revenge and Fire,
Enraged from his Flaming seat arose
And through his Brazen Lungs his Fury blows,
In such like words as these, ye Reprobates,
How durst you make these Jars within my Gates;
Do ye terrestrial Villians strive to shake
My Kingdoms with Rebellion? think to make
A Conquest over me, who dare engage
A second War with Heaven? in my rage
If I yon Christial Arch could penetrate
Once more should with my Forces tempt my Fate,
With Angels Blood that Milky causey Stain,
And strive to Atomize the World again.
How now can you weak Beings with me cope,
On things impossible you've fixed hope,
But for the bold Attempt in glowing Chains
Ye shall be ty'd to Rocks of endless pains.
This said, the three Infernal Judges spoke
To the exasperated King of Smoke,
Telling him that no Treason in the least
Against him was design'd, but at a Feast
Some Doctors, and some Lawyers fell to blows,
And made a noise concerning which of those
Professions ought by Cheating most to take
The upper-hand, Sir, in this Sulph'rous Lake,
As we're Inform'd. Is't so, quoth Pluto, I
Am satisfy'd, do you the matter try
Between them. Then stern Minos, who was feed,
Bade first the Lawyers in their Case proceed,
Commanding that they open one by one
The Knavish Tricks, when Mortal, they had done.
Then at the Bar, T—n first did tell,
(Who had an ancient standard been in Hell)
That in his time, the Laws, to any Sense,
He Wrested, did allow Kings could dispence
With any Subject's Rights as they thought fit;
To Articles of Treason did I set
My Hand, and other Matters out of measure,
To Murder Nobles at my Master's pleasure;
For all Injustice I was so devout,
That one at Tyburn for it cut my Throat.
The next spoke P—n, who op'nly told the Court,
Of Perjury and Lies I make a Sport:
Nay, for my part, against all Law and Reason,
I have upheld and vindicated Treason;
For Crimes which did my haughty Humour puff,
I lost my Ears, and wore a wooden Ruff.
Next B—w, with a Stentor's Voice, prepar'd
To speak, and thus his Sentiments declar'd,
The Law, by all the World, is known to be
Corrupted by the Lawyer's Knavery;
So passing o'er their Quibbles, Cheats, and Quirks,
I shall proceed to tell a Work of Works,
Which I have done, a Work that equals all
The Crimes almost which made the Angels Fall;
I judg'd my lawful King, and doomed Fate,
To stop his Breath before his Palace-gate,
What nobler Sacrifice than that could be,
A precedent for future Villany?
And for this Deed I think we Serjeants may,
From Urine-shakers, bear the Bell away.
Then thus spake S—s, Grave Sirs, I must confess,
I trac'd, like other Judges, Wickedness;
[Page 11]Bribes I ador'd, to rich Men lent my Ear;
Th' Oppressed, Poor Man's Cause would never hear;
For any Criminal whose Purse was large,
Juries I gave a favourable Charge
For that which Lawyers with ill Conscience rake,
A very tender, good Report I'd make
Before Death-warrants by the King were Sign'd,
For such whose Villany was not behind-
Hand with the greatest Criminals, and most
Deserv'd to Die, but Crimes in Gold are lost.
A matter that depends between the King,
Himself, and Subject for an Offering
Of Achan's Pelf; against all Right should run
In favour of the Subject, this I've done.
Witness ye Lawyers a great Doctor's Case
Whose Guinnies sav'd his Life, he's in this place:
Sirs, there he stands, he cann't deny't; but I
Was [...]orc'd to scamper for my Knavery.
I think no Men on Earth live more Prophane
Than Students in the Law, in Vice they Reign;
They Drink and Whore all Night, i'th Morning rise
To Couzen, Swear, and tell a Thousand Lies:
As long as Clients can feed us with Gold,
Their Cause till Dooms-day we can make it hold;
But for the Poor Man's Cause, we let that fall,
In Law the weakest goeth to the Wall:
Of Folks they take more Fees than is their due,
Take Fees of Plaintiff and Defendant too.
To see how fast the Lawyers damn their Souls
At the Exchequer, Common Pleas, and Rolls,
The King's-bench-bar, Guild-hall, I Vow and Swear
Ye'd think this place was represented there,
Having got Clients, Land and Money too,
In forma pauperis they're forc'd to sue;
[Page 12]And then poor Rats we mind their Cause no more
Than damning Bully does his nasty Whore,
Who cann't with Money oft'ner him supply,
To lose at the Groom Porter's presently.
Go in a Term-time to Westminster-Hall,
Ye'd see the place with Lies condensed, all
Those ancient Courts methinks of Brimstone smell,
That, not Vesuvius, is the mouth of Hell.
If ye should hear what all the Chancellors,
Attorneys, Judges, Clerks, Sollicitors,
And Barristers, which are in Hell could say,
In reference to Cheating most, ye may
Sit long enough, the list of all their Names
Doth reach from Heaven to these blueish Flames.
Next J—s spoke in Wrath, I could espy
Rage in his Cheeks, and Fury in his Eye,
He vented thus his Gall; Gut-cleansers think
That we shall under them in Cheating sink?
If stinking Physick is preferr'd before
The Law, I never shall love Cheating more:
I'm sure on Earth I've done enough to make
The Devil love a Lawyer for my sake.
When but a Barrister I got such Fame
That Brawling was prefixed to my Name,
As that great Epethite Superbus was
Always to Tarquin's. O what mischiefs has
Been hatched in me whilst I wore the Coif,
And after I was furr'd, I mad such strife
Between the King and Citizens, till they
Had through my means their Charter took away,
The Laws are good, but be too much abus'd,
Because by Knaves they are so much misus'd:
[Page 13]Some Jack-a-both-sides play, and always might,
By Bribes and Favour overcometh Right.
When Death snatcht Charles from us, but left us James
To Reign, all Glory be to both their Names!
I plagued Oats with Whips and Pillory,
For keeping Albion from Anarchy;
I made him curse the time he'd ever been
At Salamanca or a Papist seen.
My bloody Temper could not be at rest,
Till I had near three hundred in the West
Of England caused to be Gibbetted
For standing by a Peer who lost his Head.
And when I came to have the Mace and Purse,
Instead of growing better I grew worse.
But when a Belgick Prince to England came,
(Who much prohibits Fuel from this Flame,
By his suppressing Vice) I was confin'd
A Pris'ner, where it buzzed in my mind,
That if an Ax and Block was not my Fate,
For Tyburn I must look to be a Bait;
So fearing what I'd done for Hell was vain,
I took a Dose to damn my self again;
Thus doubly Damn'd, I hope they don't expect
The Devil will advancing such neglect;
Pulse-feelers, here's a shuffling sorry Crew
Of Hackney-writers, who can bafflle you,
If worser than ye are; they owe as much,
For Lodging, Ale, and Diet, as the Dutch
Are since the last Engagement in Arrears
To Englishmen for Fishing in their Seas;
The Sheets they've Stole from Lodgings are enough
To make for ev'ry damned Wretch a Ruff
If Ruffs were here in fashion. Don't ye know,
Impartial Judges, that we long ago
[Page 14]Were counted bad, for Christ, in Scripture said,
Wo, twice or thrice, to Lawyers, for they lade
Poor Men with Burthens grievous to be born,
But we would let the heavy Loads alone.
Next W—t, about to praise the Lawyer's Trade,
Aeacus interrupted him, and said,
Enough has been declared of your side;
Now let the Doctors speak, then we'll decide
The difference between you presently:
So Wakeman rose, made this Apology;
I being by the Doctors chus'd to speak
In their behalves all, Justice I do seek:
The Lawyers swagger, and presume to take
The upper-hand of us, that always make
An Int'rest to be great with Mammon; few
Ador'd him more than we, we hugg'd him too.
The captious Lawyers this and that do say;
I'm sure we get our Gold as bad as they.
Trades-men we pillage till they've nothing left;
The Poor, who of all Comfort are bereft,
We come not nigh; but for the Gentry, who
Have Golden Hooks to bait, we Gallop to
Their Houses fast enough, both Night and Day
We make a Coach and Horses dance the Hay:
Through thick and thin we go, through cold and heat,
To smell their Urine, feel how Pulses beat.
Those we can Cure, if Money comes apace,
We keep 'em backwards: Things that are more base
We act; young Heirs that want their Father's Wills,
Fee us to rid 'em with a Dose of Pills,
Which we perform. Observe, when Princes Die
In hugger mugger, there's some Villany
[Page 15]Of their sworn Doctors in their Death; ye know
That I, when Mortal, for the overthrow
Of Three fine Kingdoms, hired was to chace
A Monarch's Ghost by Poyson to a place
Where Myriads should have follow'd him, to tell
What Miseries they'd suffer'd since he fell:
But this I own, had it not been for S—s,
I had been Limb-meal'd by the Sheriffs Dogs.
Doctors, as well as Lawyers, dare Rebell
Against their King; but to be short, pray tell
Which Crime most Honour to Profession brings,
Ruining Subjects, or the Poysoning Kings?
This said, old Radamanth, who lookt as Grave
As Stoicks, who at no Misfortune Rave,
Declared his Opinion thus, I must
Own that Physicians are not much in trust
With Hell for any sort of Sin, alas!
They have enough to purchase half this Mass
Of blazing Lands, if they were to be sold,
Doctors will always hazard Souls for Gold.
But now to give the Lawyers their full weight,
Of Praise, for Knavery they win the Plate
From our Favour, we cannot disband
A Lawyer; lucre, see doth make 'em stand
With open Mouths, to catch the yellow Ore
Which these hot Flames from Golden Mines do pour;
When time shall come that Earth forgets her Weight,
The Sea its Currents, and the Spheres their Height,
And tumble into this Infernal Pit,
Large Guineas they will swallow at a Bit:
You Sin enough, but t'others ten times more;
To Hell they're very little in the Score;
Are very fit to make the Devil Clerks;
Wherefore they must take place of you, and be
The next to Jesuits for Villany.
This said, the nitrous Judges broke up Court,
And Lawyers gave for Joy so great a Shout
That the Abyss that's bottomless did shake;
And Ghosts in Fire chain'd call'd from a Lake
Adjoyning, where the Court was kept, to know
The meaning of that sudden Voice below.
Now Orders were that wand'ring Ghosts which came
To view the Mansions of Eternal Flame,
Must all depart the Kingdom presently;
Which made me glad, and so with Mercury
I came through Tophet, and the Land of Death,
On Earth, and gave the Flesh its living Breath;
And glad I was that I was got so well
From Lawyers, Doctors, and the bounds of Hell.
FINIS.