IT may be wondred at, that after well nigh a years groaning under the most insupportable burthen of publick displeasure, and censure, I should now consider my selfe so much, as, in a generall calamity, to make an Apologie to the world; or should hope, that at a time when so great clouds of jealou­sie, and dis-esteeme hang over persons of the most cleare, and unblemished reputations, any thing I can say may reconcile me to those affections, which have been transported with so much violence to my prejudice. But whoso­ever knoweth me well, and the great trouble of minde I endured when I found my selfe (by what demerit, God is my judge, I cannot guesse) fallen from that proportion of esteem with my Countrey (of which I was prouder than I can be of any worldly preferment) into so eminent a degree of dis­favour with the representative body thereof (upon whose wisdome and Au­thority no man hath looked with more reverence, and veneration) that I was marked out as an enemy to the Common-wealth, I am sure cannot but expect from me some discovery of that sence, and that I should, at least en­deavour to distinguish my misfortunes from my faults, whereby such, who are not engaged in a peremptory uncharitablenesse, may find cause to change the opinion they have taken upon trust of mee.

Nor am I out of hope, that the experience men have since had of the times inclination to calumnie, by the declining of so many persons of honor, and integrity in the popular estimation, may at the last, open away to so much justice and ingenuity on my behalfe, that all men may discerne in their owne right, that if they shall so credulously consent, upon generall discourses, to sacrifice a third mans honor, and reputation, they shall open a doore to let in ruine to themselves, and may quickly lose the advantage of their owne innocence.

I shall begin my unfortunate story from the begining of this Parliament, reflecting no farther back upon the precedent, than in a remembrance of the great comfort I then received in my Countries acceptation of my first at­tempts in its service, at a time, as some were pleased to expresse it, when the Court was at the highest, whether to work upon mens ambitions, or fears. Before that time I am sure I was as unacquainted with Action, as with En­vie, having kept more company with books, than with men: and being so well content with that society, that I had as little ambition, as merit to im­prove my condition. To this Parliament I was sent on the behalfe of t [...]e Countrey wherein I lived: and truely, if I brought any passion or affection thither with me, it was my former warmth improved against those press [...]res, and the persons who begot those pressures, which were grievous to the peo­ple: and against these, I will without vanity say, that I brought as great a resolution to discharge my conscience, and my duty, as any man in that As­sembly, and had the happinesse for some moneths, to receive that testimony.

My conversation was, and I made or endeavoured to make my friendships, with those, whose experience, and abilities, were most eminent for the pub­like service, and to the reputation, and authority of these men, I confesse for a while, I gave my selfe up with as much submission as a man could, without resigning the use of his own understanding in any thing that was necessary, or but probably pretended to be necessary for the Common-wealth, we ne­ver differed in the least degree, but in improvements, in reall alterations, which were to be govern'd by prudentiall motives, we were not alwayes of one minde. And whosoever remembereth the passages of that time, must call to mind, that the first declination I suffered from the interest I seem'd to have, was in the businesse of the Church: in which, having had frequent consulta­tions with the chiefest agents for a Reformation, and finding no three men to agree upon what they would have in the place of that they all resolved to remove, I agreed not with the prevailing sense, having not hardinesse e­nough to incline to a mutation, which would evidently have so great an in­fluence upon the peace, prosperity, and interest of the whole Kingdom. And thus from the first debate of Episcopacy, upon the London Petition, all men observ'd the date of my unmerited favour began to expire, Then came on the tryall of the Earl of Strafford, in the which I must say, I failed not of my du­ty in proving the charge and evidence, before those who were to judge of both. In the discharging of that duty, it was my fortune, by the un­lucky acception of some expressions of mine, to draw upon me a sharp malignity from some persons of much interest in the House, which never failed to manifest it selfe after that accident, upon every the least occasion.

About this time I was told by a friend, that I lost much of my credit by be­ing observ'd to be so much at Court; I replyed, that I had not then the same justice with other men, who were there more then I, though they avowed it lesse, that it was a principall joy to me, to see those persons who had been the prime Actors in the happy Reformation of this Parliament, so acceptable at Court, and likely to have so great a share in the chief places there, and the conduct of affairs for the future. That since it had pleased His Majesty to give so plenary a Redresse to all the grievances of His Subjects, and to secure them for ever from the like invasions, by such a wall of brasse as the Trieniall Bill, I conceive that thence forward, there was no more to be thought on; but how in a gratefull return to His Majesty, to advance his Honour, and Plenty, according as before such happy settlements, had often heard those principall intendents of the publike good most solemnly professe, and conse­quently, that the Court and Country were in truth, now to be all of a piece, and there would hereafter be no more cause of jealousie between them: Last­ [...]y, that, howsoever I thought my selfe as likely to do good there, as to receive hurt.

The first evidence I had of the disfavour of the House of Commons (where I had served with all faithfullnesse, diligence, and humility,) was upon the printing of my Speech to the Bill of Attainder of the Earl of Strafford. As for the Good-Fridayes exercise which the delivery of it in the House pro­cur'd [Page] me, I reputed that a most comfortable and eminent testimony of the continuance still of much justice and favour towards mee in that Honorable House; since, after a dozen distinct charges upon the severall passages of that Speech, urged against me with great strictnesse and acrimony, by that num­ber of the most eminent persons there, both in abilities and interests, and at a time when certainly most men of my opinion were at their devotions, they were not able after four houres debate to expose me, either upon the mayn matter, or upon the bye, unto the least apprehension.

For the thing it self, I will say no more of it, but that it hapned to be up­on a very unpopular argument; but the cause and circumstance of the printing it, was this:

I did not find only that it was unfaithfully reported, and uncharitably in­terpreted, but was informed, that Copies went abroad of it so falsly and ma­litiously collected, as made the whole Speech a justification of my Lord of Straffords innocence: and Sir Lewis Dives having heard of such a Copy in the House of a Citizen of good quality, where he heard me mentioned as a person fit to have his name fixt upon posts, that I might be torn in pieces by the people, upon that reason earnestly desired me to give him a true Copy of what I had said in that argument, which I did, & he forthwith gave direction for the printing it, without a privity of mine. Yet, if I had consented to it, and directed it, I professe I should little have imagined, that (at a time when there was such an universall license taken to print every thing, of how great irreverence soever,) either to Church or State, with impurity, a Speech made in the House of Commons, a Speech so narrowly and severly sifted, and examined there, and yet let passe without the least censure, either on the Speech it self, or the Author: that the printing of such a Speech should rise to so high a nature, as to make me for ever uncapable of any Honour or Em­ployment in the Commonwealth, I professe could hardly have falne within my reason or fears to suspect. And yet three moneths after the fact com­mitted, after the Printing of an hundred Speeches more by other men, after my having severall times sued, and pressed for a hearing, whilest I was of the House of Commons, after by his Majesties favour I had sate six weekes a Member of the House of Peers, after all this, no lesse a judgement (as far as the Vote of the House of Commons could contribute to it) passed upon me unheard, over and above the shame of having the Speech it selfe burned by the hand of the Hangman. How I bore this affliction, with what anxiety of mind to my selfe, with what temper and submission to that Honourable As­sembly, from whence the blow came, as many of my neer friends can testifie the first, so the envy or malice of no man, can reasonably and justly taxe me as unto the other. How other young men, upon no greater a stock of inno­cence then mine, might have suffered themselves to be transported up­on such misfortunes, (not to give them any other term) I leave to those to judge, who have not beene so long brought up in the Schoole of af­fliction.

As this censure fell upon me for many moneths after the fault obiected so it rested in those wals where it begun without ever desiring a cōcurence frō that [Page] Court, where I was onely to be judged, and where I could onely answer for my selfe, and hope for a vindication: which increased my sufferings to an unspeakable height, that I could by no means cleer my selfe in the place where I received the wound▪ nor could take notice of it, where I might be cleered by my Peers, for feare of breach of priviledge of Parliament: though my [...]ensure were knowne to all the Kingdom, yea, I may say my infamy in print with forreign Nations.

Under this weight (enough to have broken a body, and a minde better prepared for these exercises than mine) I suffered, till the rudenesse and vi­olence of that Rabble, drave both their Maiesties, for the safety of them­selves and their children, to Hampton Court, whither by command I atten­ded them. In this short journey many Souldiers and Commanders (who had assembled themselves, ioyntly to solicite the payment of their arrears for the late Northern expedition, from the two Houses of Parliament) wai­ted on their Maiesties, and leaving them at Hampton Court, provided their own accommodations at Kingston, the next place of receipt, and still so u­sed for the over-plus of company, which the Court it selfe could not enter­tain. To these Gentlemen, of whom few or none were of my acquaintance: and to this place was I sent by His Maiesty, with some expressions of His Maiesties good acceptance of their service, and returning the same night to Hampton Court, continued my attendance to Windsor, whither their Maie­sties then repaired. I had not been there one day, when I heard that both Houses of Parliament were informed, that I, and Colonell Lunsford, a person with whom I never exchanged twenty words in my life, had appeared in a warlike manner at Kingston, to the terror of the Kings Liege people: and thereupon had ordered that the Sheriffe of Surrey, and as I conceive, that all other Sheriffes throughout England, should raise the power of their severall Counties, to suppresse the Forces that he and I had levyed.

When first this news was brought me, I could not but slight it, as a redi­culous rumour: for being most certain, that I had never been at Kingston, but only upon that message of the Kings, to forty or fifty Gentlemen, totally strangers to me, with whom I stayed not the space of halfe an houre at most, and in no other equipage, than a Coach and six hired horses, with one single man in the Coach with me, and one servant riding by: I thought it utterly impossible for the most R [...]mancy it selfe, at so neere a distance, to raise out of that any serious matter of scandall, or preiudice upon me. But when soon after, I received from some of my friends, not onely a confirmation of that seeming impossibility, but a particular accompt of the manner of it: [...]ow some information concerning me at Kingston had been referred to the examination of a Committee of my sharpest enemies: how the six Coach horses I appeared with there, we returned by them into six score horses, and that mistake, I know not by what prevalence of my unhappinesse, or of my enemies credit, not suffered to be rectified by other witnesses there, who af­firmed the truth: Finding my selfe in this sad condition, but twenty myles off, and not knowing how the people in other places might be terrified, if reports concerning me should spread but in a proportionable rate, to remo­ter distances, they being now derivable from such considerable Authors, I must confesse I then began to looke upon my selfe as a person of that rare [Page] misfortune, that my reputation would not weigh down the most improbable or impossible accusation, but fit to receive any imputation of guilt, the most mischievous or malicious instrument of calumny could invent. And in this condition, with no other discontent then not beleeving my selfe much in­debted to the world for good usage, I procured His Majesties Licence, to transport a person of so great inconvenience and danger, out of His Domi­nions into another Countrey; and with all possible speed removed my selfe into Holland, never suspecting that my guilt would increase with my absence, [...] the retired private life which I had resolved on, and did according to that resolution, lead beyond sea; having the vanity of some hope, that a little time discovering the falsehood of some things beleeved of me, would take away the inconvenience of other things that were but unworthily suspected. Some weeks I rested there without any new hurt, til the falshood of a person, to whose trust I comitted a Packet, brought it to a hand well contented with any occasion to satisfie his own particular private malice & revenge upon me; and so my Letters, one to the Queens Majestie, and the other to my Brother Sir Lewis Dives, were publikely brought to be read in both Houses of Par­liament; from thence new arguments of guilt are so far inforced against me, and the former displeasure revived and heightned to such a pitch, that at the same time I heard of the interception of my Letters, I found my selfe accused of High Treason too, and that for levying war against the King; a crime certainly that of all other, I could least suspect my selfe guilty of. And to say the truth, it came into my charge but by accident; for being in generall charged of high Treason, and the impeachment in particular, bearing onely that I had appeared in warlike manner, to the terror of the Kings Subjects, a question was raised by a Lord or two, learned in the Law, whether that ac­cusation would amount to Treason, or no, and so leave was desired to amend the charge, which being granted to make sure worke, by the Statute of 25. Edw. 3. it was put in, that I had leavyed War against the King. If I were guilty, or suspected of so loud a crime, how it came to sleep so long, or if not, how these Letters (wherein upon an unpartiall survey, there will not bee found so much as an opinion as unto peace or war) could minister occasion for a charge of my levying war against the King, I leave to equall considera­tion. I am far from censuring or disputing the resolution, or opinion of both, or either House of Parliament; no man receives a stroke from thence with more submission and humility, and the great reverence I bear to it, hath made such an impression in me, that the weight of their displeasure hath added many years to me, but in so neer a concernment of my life, and my honour, that grave Assembly may give me leave, without presuming to thinke their judgements uniust, to say, their evidence may be untrue, and the persons trusted by them, not so full of honor, ingenuity, or integrity, so free from passion, malice, interest, or affection, as they are thought. It will be no pre­sumption, or dis-respect to that great Councell to say, that I have many ene­mies, who have used all the ill arts, their wit or malice could suggest, to bring this affliction upon me, and have not in whispers, or in the darke published their resolution to destroy me; witnesse the known tampering with very many persons, both by threats, and promises, to accuse me; their creating and cherishing such monstrous untruths of my treating with the Danes, and other [Page] forreigne power of a great treason of mine plotted, and discovered at Sher­burne, with mighty warlike preparations there: of my being at the head of the Rebels in Ireland, and the like; to make me odious to the people, to whose rage and violence they have often endeavoured to give me up a sacri­fice; the deepe sense I have of my afflictions and injuries, shall never trans­port me to heighten the representation of them to the least degree beyond truth; but who ever shall consider the penalty of Treason, the ruine and de­solation it it brings to families, the brand and infamy it fixes on our memo­ries, and shall remember that this portion was designed to me, for going on my Masters errant, in a Coach and six horses, will beleeve that a mixture of sorrow and innocence, with so much passion as may keepe them company, may well be allowed to breath it selfe with so much freedome, as to present to the world with a true and sensible life, my sufferings, upon whomsoever the injustice and inhumanity may light, of having opprest and bow'd downe to the earth, a young man and all his hopes, by such undeserved Calami­ties.

Since that time, other letters of mine or copies of letters (possibly never sent) have had the same fortune, and been published to the world, to shew the follies and indiscretions of a man, enough in her disfavour before, with Glosses and Comments to informe the people how much of the dangerous and pernicious Counsells, pretended to be then, and still on foot, had passed through my hands, and how great an enemy I am to Parliaments, to this la­ter most grievous and venemous imputation, I hope God will have preserved me some kinde of Antidote in mens memories, of what part I had the hap­pinesse to bear in the passing of the Trieniall Bill, and to it I shall onely say thus much; That I have had the honor to be a Member of the one House, and must presume to thinke my selfe still a Member of the other; that I value the honor, the dignity, and the priviledges of both, infinitely above the plea­sures and benefits of life, and if I ever wilfully contributed, or shall ever consent to the prejudice of either, I wish the desires of all my enemies may fall upon me.

To that of my having had so great a hand in ill Counsels, which are ex­pressed to be of His Majesties removing from London, to a place of safety, and the like: I shall be bold to say, That the Letter to the Queens Maiesty, from whence my enemies would make the inference, hath not with any considerer, the least propending of advice any way, but is meerly an accompt of mine own intentions to apply my selfe to His Maiesties service, either by absence, or attendance, according to course, that His Maiesty in His wisedom should think fit to take. Every body knows I never had the honor to be a Coun­sellor, neither have I presumed, without being questioned by His Maiestie, to interpose in His Affairs: when He hath graced me with any question, I have answered with the freedome of a Subiect, and a Gentleman. But had I been a Counsellor, having seen what I have seen, and heard what I heard, I, who have known such members of both Houses, marked out by the multi­tude for blessings, and such for sacrifice: I who can say with truth, that such of that rabble, cryed out, the King's the Traytor: such that the young Prince would governe better: I who can prove that a Leader of those peo­ple in the heate and violence of the tumult, cryed out, That the King was [Page] not fit to live. Had I been a Counsellor, what had I beeen (as the learning of Treason was then understood) should I not have advised His Maiesty to withdraw to a place of safety, not from His Parliament, but from that in­solent and unruly multitude, who had already brought into so much hazard the persons and the liberty of this, till then most happy Parliament, and not staying there, did so loudly threaten ruine, even to the sacred Person of the King; Advertise his Maiesty I did of the anger, advise him I could not, I had neither the ability, nor the authority.

In my Letter to the Queene, at her first comming into Holland, it was observed, that in that expression, [of welcoming her from a Countrey not worthy of her] I shewed much venome an rancour to my own Nation. I meant it not, and must appeale to those who are best acquainted with the civility of language, whether the addresse might not be comely to any Lady of quality, who should upon any not pleasing occasion, leave one Countrey for a while, to reside in another: And I hope ere long to welcome her Maie­stie back from a place not so unworthy of her, unto this Nation most wor­thy of her, without either disparagement to Holland, or complement to those to whom the unworthy of that Letter was intended.

For the charge of boldnesse, and presumption in some expressions of those Letters (though I might be glad to compound my treason for incivility) since the suspicion of that depends upon the right understanding of language, and connexion of words: it will be no dis-respect to any, through whose hands they have passed, to beleeve, that as they were otherwise intended by me, so that they are capable of other interpretation. However, if in truth, mis­understanding, or ill breeding hath produced the other: I hope the conclu­sion will onely be, that I am an ill Courtier, or an ill Secretary, both which I do humbly confesse, not that I am no good English man, no good Subiect. If in any of those Letters there were any expressions of discontent or bit­ternesse, I shall say little more, than that they passed an examination they were not prepared for, and fell into hands that they were not directed to; and I am confident that many honest Gentlemen, who have had the happi­nesse to preserve their papers from such an inquisition and shall consider the case they might be in, if all their secret conferences, and private letters were exposed and produced to the publick view, will cast up these letters of mine, in the number of my misfortunes, without making any addition to my faults; and certainly, whoever shall observe the measure of my suffe­rings, with any kinde of indifference, will easily forgive such eruptions of passion, as were onely vented by me to a brother, though they came within the reach of any other care.

To draw now to a period of my unfortunate story, which I cannot pro­mise my selfe, from the generality, so much charity as to vouchsafe the rea­ding, further then meere curiosity shall lead them; I returned into England not with so much ioy to see my Countrey, as hope to be admitted upon my humble Petition to His Maiestie, to a faire, regular, impartiall vindication of my innocencie, and protested to God, I look upon the time I may naturally hope to live with no other comfort, than as it may make me still capable of that happines. I have infirmities enough about me to make me ask the pardō of every wise and good man, but for treason, or for any voluntary crime (either [Page] again my Sovereign or my Country) I say it with all humility, I will not accept a Pardon from the King and Parliament. By the grace of God it shall never be sayd, that either the Parliament hath brought me, or His Maiesty exposed me to a triall, my own uprightnesse shall constantly solicite it, and without recourse in this to either of their favours, I will either stand a iustified man to the world, or fall an innocent. But in the mean time, till it please God to blesse this Nation with such a composure of the present distractions, as that Government and Law may have their rightfull and comfortable course, I im­plore onely so much charity from men, as may seem due to one, whose good intentions to his Countrey have been in some sort publikly manifested, whose ill are yet but obscurely and improbably suggested.

To conclude, let the few years I have liv'd be examined, and if there be found any rancour or venome in my nature, even toward particular persons, which might in time contract it selfe to an enmity against the State; if I have been a fomenter of iealousies and debate, or a secret conspirer against the honor and fame of any man; if I have worne Religion as a maske and vizard for my hypocrisie, and underhand cherished any opinions that I have not a­vowed; if I been led by any hopes of preferment to flattery, or by the misse of it, to revenge; if I have been transported with private ambition, and been enclined to sacrifice the least branch of the publike peace and happines, to my own ends and advantage; let the complication of all these ills prepare a iudgement of treason it selfe upon me, and let me be looked upon as a man who hath made a progresse in wickednesse, that a few years more added to that account, would render me a prodigie to the world. But if in truth my life hath been pleasant to me under no other Nation, then as I might make it usefull to my Countrey, and have made it my businesse to beget and continue a good intelligence amongst good men; if I have beene then most zealous and fervent for the liberties of the Subiect, when the power of Court was most prevalent, and for the rights of the Crown, when popular license was most predominant; if by my continuall study and practise of Religion, I have alwayes been a true sonne of the Church of England, and by my sub­mission and application of my actions to the known rule of the Law, I have alwayes been a true sonne of the State of England; if my actions have been honest, and my words onely doubtfull, if my life onely clouded with many imperfections, I hope the world will beleeve, I have been overtaken with too great a measure of unhappinesse, and every generous heart will ease me of some part of my burthen, by giving the benefit of his good opinion.