MAſter Alderman Abell, as I take it.

And you Mr Richard K • lvert, or I much miſtake my ſelfe; good morrow.

The like to you: and I hope we may live to ſée many good dayes hereafter, and though neyther of us have need much to complaine of the Time that's paſt; yet who knowes but the future may prove better then the former, and that's a thing which I thinke both you and I, in our owne particulars, moſt ayme at. O maſter Alderman, I have bin a great gueſt to your houſe, I remember you kept then the Ship Taverne behind old Fiſh ſtreet.

I did indeed, honeſt Mr. Kilvert, and I thanke God I got a good eſtate there by retailing of wine, and by chance in digging a vault neere my ſeller, I found ſome what which the world ſhall never know of, if I had not found ſome hidden Treaſure in that Cardinals ſeller, I had never come to weare this gold chaine, with my thumbs under my girdle: and why are men ſparing in their youth, but to get an eſtate there by to ſpend the more freely in their age? But I pray Maſter Kilvert, what courſe doe you now take? or what Calling do you profeſſe or uſe?

Who I maſter Alderman, I do uſe no Calling, for mony comes into me without Calling or eyther bauling for: I tell you I ſtudy the ſeavenliberall Arts, and am well verſt in them all, but eſpecially in Logicke and Arethmetick, I have them ad unguem, I will tell you, I will never be aſhamed of it, I have now got ſo much craft, that I excell in cunning. The Theory and Practicke are both mine owne, nay I am ſo well inſtructed in both, that I dare profeſſe my ſelfe a Teacher in eyther.

Why, were you ever of any Vniverſity?

What tell you me of an Vniverſity? There are company of poore Schollers, and ſuffer Ballads to be made of them, alas, the height of their ambition is to be become ſome Schole-maſter, or elſe ſome Vſhe in a Schoole to teach children to wright. I proſeſſe my ſelfe to be of the Vni •• n • , that's the World; and a Diſcipline that the Accademy was never acquainted with all.

As how maſter Kilvert? I ever preferd the one Art of getting and keeping, above all the ſeaven liberall Sciences, for though prodigality be ſooner • ave at •… en parſimony, yet it is no way ſo profitable in my opinion: give me that Learning, which lines the bag, and that Rhetoricke that makes a ratling pocket.

I ſir, (and I ſpeake in your eares while you have them) no matter by what indirect meanes the purchaſe comes, ſo wee may compaſſe the poſſeſſion, that they ſay, is eleven poynts in Law: what care I who the Plaintiffe be, ſo I the Defendant can maintayne the fu • te with his mony: Theſe are the rules that guide me, and the principles in thoſe Arts I profeſſe. I am waited upon three or foure houres in a morning before I riſe by divers Gentlemen to ſolicite their buſineſſe; and will not moove a foote unleſſe I have three or foure weighty peeces given me for a fee, Iudge and Iuſtice like, for I had ever anitching palme, my Clients ever feed mee largly, thoſe peeces made me ſpeake Lowder in the Iuſtices ears, for I knew I ſhould not be Iuſtice long.

I ſhould be glad to be your Scholler, and make no doubt but in ſmal time to prove a good proficient: But I pray maſter Kilvert what uſe make you of your Logicke?

I le tell you maſter Alderman: By Logicke I can wrangle with Worth, intangle Truth, make a bad cauſe good, or a good cauſe bad: nay more, I can proove Chalke to be Cheeſe.

As how, I pray you?

As thus, that which is white is Cheeſe, now Chalke is white as Cheeſe is white: Ergo Chalke is Cheeſe.

But was ever any ſo mad as to take Chalke for Cheeſe?

O yes, I my ſelfe before I came to ſerue my firſt maſter, have come into an Ale-houſe and cald for Cheeſe to my break faſt, and having then no mony to pay for't, my Hoſteſſe hath bin forſt to ſcore it up, and ſo ſhe hath tooke Chalke for Cheeſe.

You are pleaſant M. Kilvert, but now to be more ſerious.

Then thus, in ſteed of a Procurator, I am turn'd Promoter, and pry into the Lawes both Civil and Common, where no Delinquency of any note can ſcape me: and whether the perſon that is queſtioned be a Peccant or no, if I be not pleas'd, he cannot ſcape thence unpuniſht, and by that meanes I have pickt many a ſimple Clients pocket: and in the Arches from being a Servant, I am now become an Arch-Solicitor, and by that meanes have admittance into all the Courts of iuſtice, where I have ſubordinate intelligencers, which I allow a groat a day throughout the yeare, that skrew themſelves into other mens cauſes, and affoord me materials ſufficient to worke upon: now, when I have caſt in my conceits to picke an hole in another mans Coate, or to find the leaſt flaw by which I may overthrow him or his for tunes, then is my Spirits animated, my peticranion is imployed to purpoſe, for my braine upon ſuch an occaſion is in the moſt able agitation: The very name of Kilvert makes men compound with my Client, if they do but heare that I haue a finger in it, or relliſh the Cauſe.

Tis true, you haue told me the matter, but not the meanes you worke by.

To that I was comming, (had you not interrupted mee:) Then do I find out ſome one Iudge that hath bought his place at a deare rate, and he is eaſily corrupted, for as I have heard ſome of them ſay, (who died with a ieſt in his mouth) that if they buy deare, they muſt ſell deare: For I alwayes carry an Elixar about me, by which (if not quite fatuate) yet I can effaſcinate his ſenſes.

As how I pray you Sir?

As thus, I can whiſper ſuch a charme in his eare, as ſhal make him deare, ſave only to my eares: caſt ſuch a filme over his eyes, as ſhal make him blind, to my benefit: Lay ſuch a tye uppon his tongue, as to temper it to fit mine owne turne. The like power it hath over his Smell, Touch, and Taſt; but folly it were in me to take away his feeling, for that is the principall verbe, the primum mobile, the mayne wheele which mooues the reſt of the wheeles.

And how?

O, that by no meanes; for I muſt worke upon that Subiect, only to foole the other foure Senſes, for if a cauſe (be ſuch) be not before felt, it will very difficultly after, be eyther heard or underſtood, and though opened as it ought to be, yet wil not iudge as it ſhould be: and you know maſter Alderman an Aſſe laden with Gold may have admittance into the ſtrongeſt Arcenal.

Maſter Kilvert, you are very witty, but proceede, I pray.

Firſt, you muſt put that into his hand, which may comfort his heart, or lay that under his cuſhion, which ſhal never trouble his Conſcience: you know my mind. Iuſtice was wont (when her ſtatue was to be figured) to be cut out of the whole ſtone, but in theſe dayes it muſt be made up from peeces. The ſpectacles they looke through are not made of glaſſe, but gold: and that you know is very ſoverain for the ſight: and they can ſee better with golden eyes then throgh the other brittle and more tranſparant mettle: did you never heare Bribo declin'd after the firſt Coniugation?

Never.

I eyther read it in a Pamphlet or heard it in a Play) and as I can beſt remember my ſelfe, it was thus: Bribo, Bribe-aſle (maſter Abel) Bribe-bravely, Bribe-and-I, Bribe-and-do, Bribe-and-Dumbe, Bribe-ba-tum, Bribe-ba-tu, Bribans; Bribe-at-your-houſe; yu underſtand me ſir.

Yes, very well, I was once a Grammer Scholler my ſelfe.

Then but obſerve this courſe (I have it by mine owne Knowledge) your cauſe howſoever corrupt ſhall go on as currant and your ſelfe appeare to be as innocuous: as a Martin mounted in the ayre, a Ducke dabling in the Water, or an innocent Lambe of three ſcore yeares and upwards.

I am much taken with your Diſcourſe Mc. Kilvert, and I know you to be a moſt politicke Proiector, mony is the matter we ayme at, and profit the thing that we only purſue: We know what may be done. Now me thinkes it at that we fixe upon ſome Proiect to be done, and preſently to have it put in practiſe: Thoſe Patents for Caske and for Tobaco, and for Cards, and Dice, with divers others, have already paſt the Seale, but what new reach haue you now by which to inrich us?

Give me leave a little to recollect my ſelfe, hum, hum,—let me ſee, Mercers, Goldſmith, Drapers, Grocers, you are a Vintner, M. Alderman, what thinke you of a Monopoly or Patent for Wines, and for dreſſing of meat.

I doe approve of the proiect exceedingly. But firſt tell me one thing Maſter Kilvert, are you a free man of our City?

No indeed ſir, but for ſome reaſons beſt reſerved to my ſelf, I would I were.

Let me alone to procure that.

And then let me alone to extract mony out of your Citty mines; and drawit into our owne purſes.

And that's profitable proiection: but Maſter Kilvert, in ſome things I would intreat you to take my vice (this cough doth ſo trouble me) my adviſe I ſhould have ſayd. Buy then your Freedome in the City, a ſmall quantity of coyne ſhall compaſſe it, and in it you ſhall have my beſt favour and ſurtherance. Then, you have choyce to be of what Company you moſt fancy: Which I could wiſh to be of the Vintners; of of which Society I am none of the meaneſt members. That done, I wil bring you in to be one of our Livery, and in a ſhort time to be made one of the Aſiſtance; onely you muſt be ſworne is ſecrecy, and not to diſcloſe any myſtery belonging to our Trade, that may be talkt on at the Table.

To all theſe I ſhall ſubſcribe unto freely. But what thinke you of my former motion, concerning the patent for Wine.

I know you Mr. Alderman to be a man every way Abel, ioyne but your purſe with my policy, and if I procure you not a Patent, thinke me to be a meere paltry fellow, and not worth the name of a Proiector: I am nane of thoſe fellowes which were borne in a Dul-age, nor do I dwell at Dul-age; I am accounted wiſer then ever my father was.

Then now Maſter Kilvert acquaint me freely with the proiect upon which we may ground the begging of this Patent.

Marry thus we muſt firſt pretend both in the Merchant and Vintner ſome groſſe abuſes, and theſe no meane ones neyther: for the reforming and rectifying of which, we are Petitioners for this Patent. And that the Merchants ſhall pay to the King forty ſhillings upon every Tun ere hee ſhall vent it to the Vintner: in lieu of which, that the Vintner may be no looſer, he ſhall rarſe the price alſo of his Wines, upon all French Wines a peny in the quart, upon all Spaniſh Wines two pence the quart: it is no matter how the Subiect ſ • ffer, ſo we get and gaine by it: Now to cover this our Craft (I will not ſay Conſinage) becauſe all things of the like nature carry a pretence for the Kings profit: ſo we will allow him a competent proportion of forty thouſand pound per annum. When the power of the Patent being punctually executed, will yeild double at leaſt, if not treble that ſumme, and returne it into the Cofers of the undertakers.

Let me hugge thee my Kilvert; But who do you thinke to be the fitteſt man to draw this Patent to the purpoſe for fear of over ſight or miſtake?

Who but Mr. Low that lives in Great S. Bartholmews, one mightily • ried up for his Chamber Counſell: Let him but have a ſound feeling in the fiſt, and then fortune for the French, and fico for the Spaniard.

My delicate and dainty Kilvert, thou ſhalt ever hereafter be in my Bookes: and no ſooner ſhall this Patent be ſign'd and ſeal'd, but for thy pains and advice, thou ſhalt have ſeaven hundred pound in hand, and two hundred peeces per annum during the date of this Patent.

Moſt ſweet and well ſounding Abel, every way able both in promiſe and performance: if I fayle in the proſecuting of this Patent, may I periſh, and ſuffer hereafter ſome exemplary puniſhment.

But in all this, we never dreampt of a Parliament.

Tuſh, feare not that, we muſt have ſome great men to have a feeling in the cauſe; and by that meanes backe us: but you ſee the ſtreame roares contrary: but ſay one were cald, I am a man Parliament proofe, and no Mounparſons.

But thinke you the Commons will not mutter and repine at this?

Mr. Kilvert, I honor thee before all the Feaſts in our Hall, nay we are free Vintners, and brothers of the Quill, and are for the moſt part true Troians, and know where to find the beſt Buts of Wine in the Seller, and wil pierce them for thee, it ſhall be pure Wine from the Grape, not mixt & compounded, but reall and brisk: you thinke there is no Brewers but ſuch as • ew Ale and Beere, I tel you we do brew and cunger in our Sellers, as much as any Brewer of them all, yea and without fire too, but ſo much for that. Me thinkes I ſee my ſelfe in Cheap ſide upon an Horſe richly capariſon'd, and my two Shrieves to attend me: and me thinkes thee in thy Ca • och drawne by foure horſes, and ſhall call to thee, and ſay friend Kilvert, give me thine hand, &c.

To which I ſhall anſwer, God bleſſe your Honour my good Lord Maior, &c.

This and the like diſcourſe at meeting, and complement at parting, paſt betwixt them. What effect their Project took, is known to all, and with what power (without pitty) they executed the fore of their Patent, what charge & trouble divers of the beſt Vintners about the Town were put too both by fines and commitments: The miſery they ſuffered by the Medium Wines and the like: But now (God be prayſed) the Tyde is turn'd: And ſince that Edict concerning the price of wines was publiſhed in print, bearing date, the twenty ſixt day of May laſt paſt: wherein the aforeſayd Alderman Abel, and Richard Kilvert were by name brought within the compaſſe of exemplary puniſhment, for which act of theirs, as they made their poore brother Vintners purſes and hearts ake, ſo now I feare this newes will make their heads ake, if not their neckes crack.

Since which time they had an other accidentall interview, at which ſome language, but differing in phraſe from the former, paſt betwixt them to this purpoſe. Now imagine they are met, and their firſt ſalutation was by M. Abel.

Kilvert, Thou art a Knave. I ſay ſirrah thou art a cunning Knave.

Setting your Worſhipaſide, you are but a plain Pattentee, and all ſuch are cald by a Word that begins with the firſt letter of my name.

Mris.

Sirrah raſcal, I ſay ſo as my husbands ſays you are a Knave, and a whore-maſter Knave, and a very ſlye crafty Knaue.

And I tell you Miſtris Abel, your husband hath made mee a brother of his Company; and you Mr. Abel, promiſeſt when you met in Cheape ſide, to take me by the hand.

Of all men living I am bound to curſe thee.

I confeſſe you to be A-bel, but you cannot curſe me in the true kinde, without a Book and a candle.

Indeed a Bell cannot bee rung in tune till it be ſo. Mris.

Sirra do you know to whom you ſpeak.

You are Parliament proofe with a pox.

But who the pox would have thought of a Parliament ſo ſoone?

I would I had kept my Tavern ſtill in old Fiſh-ſtreet, for then I was counted an honeſt man.

Yea, to have tooke a way the ſigne of the Ship, and to have had a Bel hang'd in the roome of it.

Thou haſt bin mine undoing.

And you mine: for as our faults are alike, ſo I am afraid our fates will be equall.

All this was by thy proiects and policy.

True M. Alderman, but countenanc'd by your purſe & authority.

Kilvert, thou haſt bin cald kill-Vertue, kill-B • nnet, kill-Biſhop, and kil-Fart, and now kill Abell, and I hope thou wilt Kil-thy ſelfe.

Take heed to your ſelfe, that you do not goe to the Divell quicke.

If I do? it is of thy driving. I tell thee Kilvert thou art worſe then Caine.

Indeed, we read that in-old time Caine Kild Abel, but now Abell Kils Caine; and I am afraid thére is a young Gregory born to make an end of us both.

By this a great Company of people were gathered about them, which made them part for the preſent: their next meeting is to bee expected either at the Barre where they are to be arraigned, or the place appointed for their puniſhment.

The manner and forme how Projectors and Patentees have rode a Tylting in a Parliament time.