A Dialogue or accidental discourse Betwixt Mr. Alderman Abell, and Richard Kilvert, the two maine Projectors for Wine, and also Aldermans Abels wife, &c.

Contayning their first manner of their acquaintance, how they began to contrive the Patent it selfe, how they obtayned it, and who drew the patent.

Also in what state they now stand in, and how they accuse and raile at each other with invective speeches, &c.

With the manner and fashion how Projectors and Patentees have rod a Tilting in a Parlament time, &c.

A Pattent for Wine

Printed also in the same yeare of grace. 1641.

A Dialogue or accidentall discourse be­twixt Mr. Alderman Abel, and Mr. Richard Kilvert, two maine Projectors, &c.

Kilvert.

MAster Alderman Abell, as I take it.

Abel.

And you Mr Richard K [...]lvert, or I much mistake my selfe; good morrow.

Kilv.

The like to you: and I hope we may live to sée many good dayes hereafter, and though neyther of us have need much to complaine of the Time that's past; yet who knowes but the future may prove better then the former, and that's a thing which I thinke both you and I, in our owne particulars, most ayme at. O master Alderman, I have bin a great guest to your house, I remember you kept then the Ship Taverne behind old Fish street.

Abel

I did indeed, honest Mr. Kilvert, and I thanke God I got a good estate there by retailing of wine, and by chance in digging a vault neere my seller, I found some what which the world shall never know of, if I had not found some hidden Treasure in that Cardinals seller, I had never come to weare this gold chaine, with my thumbs under my girdle: and why are men sparing in their youth, but to get an estate there by to spend the more freely in their age? But I pray Master Kilvert, what course doe you now take? or what Calling do you professe or use?

Kilv.

Who I master Alderman, I do use no Calling, for mony comes into me without Calling or eyther bauling for: I tell you I study the seavenliberall Arts, and am well verst in them all, but especially in Logicke and Arethmetick, I have them ad unguem, I will tell you, I will never be ashamed of it, I have now got so much craft, that I excell in cunning. The Theory and Practicke are both mine owne, nay I am so well instructed in both, that I dare professe my selfe a Teacher in eyther.

Abel.

Why, were you ever of any Vniversity?

Kilv.

What tell you me of an Vniversity? There are compa­ny of poore Schollers, and suffer Ballads to be made of them, a­las, [Page 3] the height of their ambition is to be become some Schole-ma­ster, or else some Vshe in a Schoole to teach children to wright. I prosesse my selfe to be of the Vni [...]n [...], that's the World; and a Discipline that the Accademy was never acquainted with all.

Abel.

As how master Kilvert? I ever preferd the one Art of getting and keeping, above all the seaven liberall Sciences, for though prodigality be sooner [...]ave at [...]en parsimony, yet it is no way so profitable in my opinion: give me that Learning, which lines the bag, and that Rhetoricke that makes a ratling pocket.

Kilv.

I sir, (and I speake in your eares while you have them) no matter by what indirect meanes the purchase comes, so wee may compasse the possession, that they say, is eleven poynts in Law: what care I who the Plaintiffe be, so I the Defendant can main­tayne the fu [...]te with his mony: These are the rules that guide me, and the principles in those Arts I professe. I am waited upon three or foure houres in a morning before I rise by divers Gentlemen to solicite their businesse; and will not moove a foote unlesse I have three or foure weighty peeces given me for a fee, Iudge and Iustice like, for I had ever anitching palme, my Clients ever feed mee largly, those peeces made me speake Lowder in the Iustices ears, for I knew I should not be Iustice long.

Abel.

I should be glad to be your Scholler, and make no doubt but in smal time to prove a good proficient: But I pray master Kilvert what use make you of your Logicke?

Kilv.

I le tell you master Alderman: By Logicke I can wrangle with Worth, intangle Truth, make a bad cause good, or a good cause bad: nay more, I can proove Chalke to be Cheese.

Abel.

As how, I pray you?

Kilv.

As thus, that which is white is Cheese, now Chalke is white as Cheese is white: Ergo Chalke is Cheese.

Abel.

But was ever any so mad as to take Chalke for Cheese?

Kilv.

O yes, I my selfe before I came to serue my first master, have come into an Ale-house and cald for Cheese to my break fast, and having then no mony to pay for't, my Hostesse hath bin forst to score it up, and so she hath tooke Chalke for Cheese.

Abel.

You are pleasant M. Kilvert, but now to be more serious.

Kilv.

Then thus, in steed of a Procurator, I am turn'd Pro­moter, and pry into the Lawes both Civil and Common, where no Delinquency of any note can scape me: and whether the person that is questioned be a Peccant or no, if I be not pleas'd, he can­not [Page 4] scape thence unpunisht, and by that meanes I have pickt many a simple Clients pocket: and in the Arches from being a Servant, I am now become an Arch-Solicitor, and by that meanes have admittance into all the Courts of iustice, where I have subordi­nate intelligencers, which I allow a groat a day throughout the yeare, that skrew themselves into other mens causes, and affoord me materials sufficient to worke upon: now, when I have cast in my conceits to picke an hole in another mans Coate, or to find the least flaw by which I may overthrow him or his for tunes, then is my Spirits animated, my peticranion is imployed to purpose, for my braine upon such an occasion is in the most able agitation: The very name of Kilvert makes men compound with my Client, if they do but heare that I haue a finger in it, or rellish the Cause.

Abel.

Tis true, you haue told me the matter, but not the meanes you worke by.

Kilv.

To that I was comming, (had you not interrupted mee:) Then do I find out some one Iudge that hath bought his place at a deare rate, and he is easily corrupted, for as I have heard some of them say, (who died with a iest in his mouth) that if they buy deare, they must sell deare: For I alwayes carry an Elixar about me, by which (if not quite fatuate) yet I can effascinate his senses.

Abel.

As how I pray you Sir?

Kilv.

As thus, I can whisper such a charme in his eare, as shal make him deare, save only to my eares: cast such a filme over his eyes, as shal make him blind, to my benefit: Lay such a tye uppon his tongue, as to temper it to fit mine owne turne. The like po­wer it hath over his Smell, Touch, and Tast; but folly it were in me to take away his feeling, for that is the principall verbe, the primum mobile, the mayne wheele which mooues the rest of the wheeles.

Abel.

And how?

Kilv.

O, that by no meanes; for I must worke upon that Sub­iect, only to foole the other foure Senses, for if a cause (be such) be not before felt, it will very difficultly after, be eyther heard or un­derstood, and though opened as it ought to be, yet wil not iudge as it should be: and you know master Alderman an Asse laden with Gold may have admittance into the strongest Arcenal.

Abel.

Master Kilvert, you are very witty, but proceede, I pray.

Kilv.

First, you must put that into his hand, which may com­fort his heart, or lay that under his cushion, which shal never trou­ble his Conscience: you know my mind. Iustice was wont (when [Page 5] her statue was to be figured) to be cut out of the whole stone, but in these dayes it must be made up from peeces. The spectacles they looke through are not made of glasse, but gold: and that you know is very soverain for the sight: and they can see better with golden eyes then throgh the other brittle and more transparant mettle: did you never heare Bribo declin'd after the first Coniu­gation?

Abel.

Never.

Kilv.

I eyther read it in a Pamphlet or heard it in a Play) and as I can best remember my selfe, it was thus: Bribo, Bribe-asle (master Abel) Bribe-bravely, Bribe-and-I, Bribe-and-do, Bribe-and-Dumbe, Bribe-ba-tum, Bribe-ba-tu, Bribans; Bribe-at-your-house; yu understand me sir.

Abel.

Yes, very well, I was once a Grammer Scholler my selfe.

Kilv.

Then but observe this course (I have it by mine owne Knowledge) your cause howsoever corrupt shall go on as currant and your selfe appeare to be as innocuous: as a Martin mounted in the ayre, a Ducke dabling in the Water, or an innocent Lambe of three score yeares and upwards.

Abel.

I am much taken with your Discourse Mc. Kilvert, and I know you to be a most politicke Proiector, mony is the matter we ayme at, and profit the thing that we only pursue: We know what may be done. Now me thinkes it at that we fixe upon some Proiect to be done, and presently to have it put in practise: Those Patents for Caske and for Tobaco, and for Cards, and Dice, with divers others, have already past the Seale, but what new reach haue you now by which to inrich us?

Kilv.

Give me leave a little to recollect my selfe, hum, hum,—let me see, Mercers, Goldsmith, Drapers, Grocers, you are a Vintner, M. Alderman, what thinke you of a Monopoly or Patent for Wines, and for dressing of meat.

Abel.

I doe approve of the proiect exceedingly. But first tell me one thing Master Kilvert, are you a free man of our City?

Kilv.

No indeed sir, but for some reasons best reserved to my self, I would I were.

Abel.

Let me alone to procure that.

Kilv.

And then let me alone to extract mony out of your Citty mines; and drawit into our owne purses.

Abel.

And that's profitable proiection: but Master Kilvert, in some things I would intreat you to take my vice (this cough doth so trouble me) my advise I should have sayd. Buy then your Freedome in the City, a small quantity of coyne shall compasse it, and in it you shall have my best favour and sur­therance. Then, you have choyce to be of what Company you most fancy: Which I could wish to be of the Vintners; of of which Society I am none of the meanest members. That done, I wil bring you in to be one of our Livery, and in a short time to be made one of the Asistance; onely you must be sworne is secrecy, and not to disclose any mystery belonging to our Trade, that may be talkt on at the Table.

Kilv.

To all these I shall subscribe unto freely. But what thinke you of my former motion, concerning the patent for Wine.

Abel.
[Page 6]

Indeed you now come close to me, and talke with me in mine owne e­lement.

Kilv.

I know you Mr. Alderman to be a man every way Abel, ioyne but your purse with my policy, and if I procure you not a Patent, thinke me to be a meere paltry fellow, and not worth the name of a Proiector: I am nane of those fellowes which were borne in a Dul-age, nor do I dwell at Dul-age; I am accounted wiser then ever my father was.

Abel

Then now Master Kilvert acquaint me freely with the proiect upon which we may ground the begging of this Patent.

Kilv.

Marry thus we must first pretend both in the Merchant and Vintner some grosse abuses, and these no meane ones neyther: for the reforming and rectifying of which, we are Petitioners for this Patent. And that the Mer­chants shall pay to the King forty shillings upon every Tun ere hee shall vent it to the Vintner: in lieu of which, that the Vintner may be no looser, he shall rarse the price also of his Wines, upon all French Wines a peny in the quart, upon all Spanish Wines two pence the quart: it is no matter how the Sub­iect s [...]ffer, so we get and gaine by it: Now to cover this our Craft (I will not say Consinage) because all things of the like nature carry a pretence for the Kings profit: so we will allow him a competent proportion of forty thousand pound per annum. When the power of the Patent being punctually executed, will yeild double at least, if not treble that summe, and returne it into the Co­fers of the undertakers.

Abel.

Let me hugge thee my Kilvert; But who do you thinke to be the fit­test man to draw this Patent to the purpose for fear of over sight or mistake?

Kilv

Who but Mr. Low that lives in Great S. Bartholmews, one mightily [...]ried up for his Chamber Counsell: Let him but have a sound feeling in the fist, and then fortune for the French, and fico for the Spaniard.

Abel.

My delicate and dainty Kilvert, thou shalt ever hereafter be in my Bookes: and no sooner shall this Patent be sign'd and seal'd, but for thy pains and advice, thou shalt have seaven hundred pound in hand, and two hundred peeces per annum during the date of this Patent.

Kilv.

Most sweet and well sounding Abel, every way able both in promise and performance: if I fayle in the prosecuting of this Patent, may I perish, and suffer hereafter some exemplary punishment.

Abel

But in all this, we never dreampt of a Parliament.

Kilv.

Tush, feare not that, we must have some great men to have a feeling in the cause; and by that meanes backe us: but you see the streame roares con­trary: but say one were cald, I am a man Parliament proofe, and no Moun­parsons.

Abel.

But thinke you the Commons will not mutter and repine at this?

Kilv.
[Page]

Let the monster multitude murmur, what need we to care? beeing possest of the Cash: Foxes and Crowes fare best, when they be curst: and so I hope shall We: for when We shall sit in Commission, and have our Ref­ferrées, Advisers, Sharers, Complotters and Contractors about us, with full power and authority to countenance them, whom need we fear, or be afraid of.

Abel.

Mr. Kilvert, I honor thee before all the Feasts in our Hall, nay we are free Vintners, and brothers of the Quill, and are for the most part true Troians, and know where to find the best Buts of Wine in the Seller, and wil pierce them for thee, it shall be pure Wine from the Grape, not mixt & compounded, but reall and brisk: you thinke there is no Brewers but such as [...]ew Ale and Beere, I tel you we do brew and cunger in our Sellers, as much as any Brewer of them all, yea and without fire too, but so much for that. Me thinkes I see my selfe in Cheap side upon an Horse richly caparison'd, and my two Shrieves to attend me: and me thinkes thee in thy Ca [...]och drawne by foure horses, and shall call to thee, and say friend Kilvert, give me thine hand, &c.

Kilv.

To which I shall answer, God blesse your Honour my good Lord Maior, &c.

This and the like discourse at meeting, and complement at parting, past be­twixt them. What effect their Project took, is known to all, and with what power (without pitty) they executed the fore of their Patent, what charge & trouble divers of the best Vintners about the Town were put too both by fines and commitments: The misery they suffered by the Medium Wines and the like: But now (God be praysed) the Tyde is turn'd: And since that Edict concerning the price of wines was published in print, bearing date, the twen­ty sixt day of May last past: wherein the aforesayd Alderman Abel, and Ri­chard Kilvert were by name brought within the compasse of exemplary pu­nishment, for which act of theirs, as they made their poore brother Vintners purses and hearts ake, so now I feare this newes will make their heads ake, if not their neckes crack.

Since which time they had an other accidentall interview, at which some language, but differing in phrase from the former, past betwixt them to this purpose. Now imagine they are met, and their first salutation was by M. Abel.

Abel.

Kilvert, Thou art a Knave. I say sirrah thou art a cunning Knave.

Klv.

Setting your Worshipaside, you are but a plain Pattentee, and all such are cald by a Word that begins with the first letter of my name.

Mris.

Abel.

Sirrah rascal, I say so as my husbands says you are a Knave, and a whore-master Knave, and a very slye crafty Knaue.

Kilv.

And I tell you Mistris Abel, your husband hath made mee a brother of his Company; and you Mr. Abel, promisest when you met in Cheape side, to take me by the hand.

Abel.

Of all men living I am bound to curse thee.

Kilv.

I confesse you to be A-bel, but you cannot curse me in the true kinde, without a Book and a candle.

Abel.
[Page 8]

I hope to see thee hang'd.

Kilv.

Indeed a Bell cannot bee rung in tune till it be so. Mris.

Abel.

Sirra do you know to whom you speak.

Abel.

You are Parliament proofe with a pox.

Kilv.

But who the pox would have thought of a Parliament so soone?

Abel.

I would I had kept my Tavern still in old Fish-street, for then I was counted an honest man.

Kilv.

Yea, to have tooke a way the signe of the Ship, and to have had a Bel hang'd in the roome of it.

Abel.

Thou hast bin mine undoing.

Kilv.

And you mine: for as our faults are alike, so I am afraid our fates will be equall.

Abel.

All this was by thy proiects and policy.

Kilv.

True M. Alderman, but countenanc'd by your purse & authority.

Abel.

Kilvert, thou hast bin cald kill-Vertue, kill-B [...]nnet, kill-Bishop, and kil-Fart, and now kill Abell, and I hope thou wilt Kil-thy selfe.

Kilv.

Take heed to your selfe, that you do not goe to the Divell quicke.

Abel.

If I do? it is of thy driving. I tell thee Kilvert thou art worse then Caine.

Kilv.

Indeed, we read that in-old time Caine Kild Abel, but now Abell Kils Caine; and I am afraid thére is a young Gregory born to make an end of us both.

By this a great Company of people were gathered about them, which made them part for the present: their next meeting is to bee expected either at the Barre where they are to be arraigned, or the place appointed for their punish­ment.

The manner and forme how Projectors and Patentees have rode a Tylting in a Parliament time.

FINIS.

Tar-ar-ra-ra-

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