Ad populum: or, A low-country lecture to the people of England, after a Thanksgiving dinner, Aug. 25. 1653. Whereunto is annexed an epitaph vpn M. H: Vanthromp, made by his owne secretary, and faithfully translated into English, word for word. With, another more sober epitaph by a concealed author.

A Low-Country Lecture to the People of England after a Thankſgiving Dinner. AFfronted by the Dutch? A Nation that Began on Engliſh Almes, and ſo grew fat? That owe their Livelihoods, and latter breath To our more mercifull Elizabeth; When on their bended Knees with ſtretcht out hands, And ſtile of poore diſtreſſed Netherlands They got the Golden Fleece; ſhall theſe, grown high, Outbrave us with their Ariſtocracy? We grant them High and Mighty, Monſtrous ſtrange; (As th' Graſſehoppers upon the old Exchange.) We grant their Creſts like Joves when he was Bull- Rampant, when Love-ſick, and of Vigor full: Now, now I ſcent the plot and cunning on't, That Jove is ſaid to croſſe the Helleſp • nt; When being aided with a preſent Fleet He and his deare Europa went to Crete: If Hercules got forty in a Night, How many Dutchmen Jove before day-light? Nay Authors there are extant, that averre That Bacchus was begot a Hollander, And after th' Act that Melancholly Jove Took Semele and thruſt her in a Stove: Yet though he lodg'd young Bacchus in his thigh, Theſe Dutchmen find him out when they are dry; But leſt ſome envious Wight ſhould thinke we ſtraine, Let Barkley ſpeake, and we go on againe. Germani nullâ comitate ſuavius quam longo nec ſobrio conviviò peregrinos credunt accipere, & tam veriſſimam ab ipſis hoſpitibus benevolentiam in ſe expromi, ubi mutuis poculis innudari non-abnuunt: Immenſa cupiditas potus jans confeſſo vitio illam gentem infeſtat, nec ad voluptatem tantum haec Thracia libido eſt, fed in parte Comitatis & penè diſciplinae, &c. Eares they have eminent and Viſible, Slit but the Tip 'tis like a Teſticle, In which ſhould any of them Pendents weare, A Jack-line to them were but as a haire; And for a Jewell to ſo grave a Pate, Great Tom of Lincolne were moſt adaequate: Poore Iohna Gaunt, or puny Warwicks Guy, Compar'd to theſe, is a meere Ieffery: An Hercules, or Omphale in ſtone, Are but as Pigmies upon Pelion: That Man-devouring Lunsford were he put Under an Arme of theirs, would only ſtrut Like a young Mandrake, or the Child that grew Within his ſide was lately ſet at view. What thinke we of three hundred then and more, Borne at a litter on the Belgick ſhore, Of theſe young Tadpole-ſpawnes? ſo vaſte a Traine, As if ſome Pharaoh to be plagu'd againe: Had we ſuch teeming wombes, our Army might Give warning for an Army over-night, And armed Mirmydons next day appeare, Ready for battle the enſuing yeare, In coates of Secundene, inſtead of Buffe, True coats of Male, proceeding from the Ruffe Dame Nature weares, and freely doth beſtow Upon theſe Red-coats ere ſhe lets them go: Thus Cadmus with his Serpents Teeth i'th' Earth Got Mars a new ſtock by a preſent birth; And men ex tempore ſtood Ranke and File, Juſt as the Teeth grew in the Crocodile. An hungry Campe no doubt, and ſuch as might Grin at the Foe, and put them all to flight. Well, go thy way for a ſtupendious Meg. Thou needſt no Iſſue in thy Arme or Leg To draw forth peccant humours, if we yield Mothers entaile diſeaſes on the Child; thou art as free from all as Eve when ſhe Knew not a Bitter-ſweet or pippin-Tree. Lend me beliefe ſome man of Publique faith, Or I muſt ſtagger at what ſtory ſaith: Ne're did Anatomiſts deſigne or tell Toe very one of thoſe his ſingle Sell: Speake great Van-Helmont, how could all theſe lie Without committing Rapes and Buggery? Grant her the ſwine fac'd Lady, elſe to big, I muſt not thinke ſhe was ſo huge with pig; 'Tis ſo, and hence the Name of Bores that ſwill In their crude Barly Broaths and hog waſh ſtill. What though the River Rhene paſſe by their Coaſt? (A thing whereof their hide-bound Writers boaſt.) What though Pannonia yield them rich ſupplies? Is this a plea for red diſtorted eyes? Should one of them, o're taken, reele and fall, 'Twould cauſe an Earthquake Epidemicall: Nay, were their Gallowſes not made of ſtone, Aſtraea might go hang her ſelfe for one; No Juſtice would be done, for ſhould they do't In wood, 't would take up fifteene hundred foot, And yet not ſerve the turne, whereas alas They ſee not ſo much in a twelve-months ſpace; Their Fewell is Flora's greene mantle, which They burne, (as if their Mother was a Witch.) A Chimny-ſweeper there is a worſe Trade Than is a Poet here, and yet 'tis ſaid, Our Engliſh pallats have been ſo miſtaken, As not to know them by the taſte from Bacon: Nay more, 'tis ſaid, their hides have been ſent over, And ſerv'd for Shoe-ſoales twenty miles round Dover. Well may the Cuts Phyſitians get from thence Be more demonſtrative to outward ſenſe, In whom the very Capillary Veines Appeare like Cable-Ropes, and in their Braines The Privy parts as viſible and faire, As if one ſhould diſſect a Flanders Mare: The hammer in the Eare like Vulcans, and The Drum ſtrikes an Alarum at command: A well appointed Army might get in, Breake through the Labyrinth and ſteale the Pin. Nor is it hyperbolicall to ſay, Iohn Lilburne was an Eare-wigg th' other day, And buz'd about, and did diſtill into The Orenge-mongers what they were to do. What Rage O Citizens, what madneſſe now Makes ſuch a breach 'twixt Maurice grave and you? He that delighteth in that title more Than did his Predeceſtors heretofore; Who from a Mutton fiſt would ne're refuſe A clap upon the ſhoulder, or ſuch News As Ieffery and Ralph tell on the way, As they jog homewards on a Market-day; Such as the fumes afforded that proceed From Brande wine good ſtore and Indian weed. O were Eraſmus now alive to tell Their Colloquies when e're they article; How many large Beere-glaſſes bid for Peace, How many more revi'd before they ceaſe: Peace? 'tis a thing more eſtimable then The ſalted Rump of a Muſcovian Hen, No Pickled-herring like it, 'tis for this They worſhip to their drag-net while they fiſh. O for a Rhombus here to plead for Peace, (That they might once more ſing ſweet Oranges,) Such as the Adriatick ſeas did yield To Nero as the Maſter of the field; A Preſent, ſuch an one as might draw on The moſt obdurate to compunction. Were there but ſuch a Rhombus to be had, How would the Senators at Hague be glad, And hope their Gilders and their Duckettoones Might ſtill be theirs againſt the Afternoones Collation, all in Drink (Jack Falſtaffe like) No jarres but thoſe of Wine, none forc'd to ſtrike; No cautionary Townes demanded then, No armes be laid downe, no impeaching Men, Nor fighting, except once in twenty yeers Or ſo, to learne how to put on their geeres. How might they teach this Rhombus to implore Mercy upon the ſea, upon the ſhoare; And put it in his mouth, to let them know, He never was my Lord of Warwicks foe? Never perſwaded Huls delivery, Or tempted Sir John Hotham with a fee, Though ſome Malignant tongue, ſome ſpightfull man Say Rhombus is a Preſbyterian. Cozen to John of Leiden, and that he came, The Author of that ſect to Amſterdam? This were the way, firſt teach him how to bow, When take his Qu, next where to ſtop, and how To keep his countenance, and role his eye, With a beſeeming gracefull Modeſty; As for the ground and ſubject of his ſpeech, Let it be all ſubmiſſive to beſeech The victors, that they might no tribute pay, But rather, that (for ever and a day) Their fiſhing might be free, and what they took Might be their owne, be it with net or hook. How can they Tributaries be (alaſſe,) Out of a few Poor Iohn, and a little Plaice; A ſea-dog or a Tortoiſſe, or perhaps, A quarter of an hundred of poor Crabs. No Salmon in his mouth did ever bring One piece of ſilver for an offering, Nor Flounder, though his mouth would nothing bate, In compaſſe of the Mouth at Aldersgate. If any doe for greater booties toyle, How doe they loſe their labour and their oyle? The generous Whale, playes with her skill and power, And ſends ſome Remora Embaſſadour To ſtop their proud deſigne, and bid them trade In their beloved herring or dry ſhad. How ſhall an hundred thouſand precious ſoules Drink after ſupper, in tranſcendent boules, As both their conſtitution and the fire, They carry in their veines, eft ſoones require? O Herring! Herring! thou art that King-fiſh, For whoſe offences, man muſt beare all this; Tis for thy treſpaſſes, tis for thy ſin, But ſee now what a pickle thou art in; When boyes in London ſtreets with open throate, Do cry thee up and downe for five a groat. If needs Elected Princes, let their be The Lobſter choſen next, clad cap-a-pe: That with defenſive Armes may gaine the field With Naturall, not artificiall ſhield: An Ajax that may laugh within his ſhell, And ſtories of Great Hector vanquiſht tell. But Rhombus may not on, or farther prate, Nature hath tooke an order well for that: All that he ſpeaks here, is by Miracle, Having no Lungs, to helpe one ſyllable; Yet for his Country, ſuch a heart as bleeds To think that they muſt feed next yeare on greeds, And graines divorced from their deareſt Beer, What will become then of A vous myn heire? No ſet meales once a quarter then, where Tony Is plac'd above his Miſtris, and ſleek Ioa-ne Drinks to her maſter ſet at lower end, By nodd and not by word, as to her friend. Some hope is of Converſion, where the Iew Sits with the Gentile (were it ſo 'ith Pew) No more of Aarons Bels, no more I tro, Of very Moſes, brought out for a ſhew, With ten Commandements (the 11th would be Not to abuſe him, were it very he) No more ſhall Innocents of eight dayes old, Expoſed lie, to cruelty and cold. No more, no more of Circumciſion boaſt, 'Tis ſeen how the Virility is loſt. Policy, now bids you get men indeed, Give them Reſtoratives, not make them bleed: That they may tug the Oares and Canvas ſpread, When the remainder of mankinde is dead: And every Pirrha, when her mate is gon Officiate for her loſt Deu calion. If once more yee are beat, let th' women all, Enter themſelves into Mall Cut-purſe Hall. Whence a new ſtock may come, that ſcorne to wink And fight, when for their wench, and not their drink. FINIS.