1

ONE asked how it came that Apotheca­ries were, many of them, so extreamly rich. It was answered, they did trade with Simples; and after composi­tion, sould them in Latine to those that understood it not.

2

One asked why Souldiers did love beefe more then any other meate. It was answered because it was now and then powder'd.

3

One seeing a man that had a holy-day face, bid him take heede of comming before a Judge for suspition of murther for, said he, Thy very face will hang thee, it is so bloody.

4

One told a red-nos'd-Gen­tleman that he was a coward all over, except his nose, being asked why; answered his nose was good mettle because is was Copper.

5

One asked a citty-Sergeant what spice he loved best, who answered Mace.

6

A yellow bearded man com­ming into a barbers shop, set himselfe down in a chaire, say­ing, sirra come give my carret a turnup.

7

One asked whence the word tumult was derived, and was answered that it came from tu multùm dormis & saepe potas; another standing by said it ra­ther came from tú multùm potas & rarò dormis.

8

A souldier wooing a gentle­woman, pleaded that he had undertaken brave things, and had been antient twenty yeeres ago: the gentlewoman mind­ing to put him off took the ad­vantage of that word, would not endure him to speake a word more, but told him shee was no antiquary neither durst meddle with things that were antient so long ago.

9

A Gentleman wearing one of the new fashioned coates without sleeves or cape, was asked what he did meane to weare a petticoat about his shoulders? no said the Gentle­man [Page] it is a little coat; why sir replied the other, I hope every little coat is a petticoat.

10

One told a man that was troubled with rhume, that he must forbeare claret wine; who answered if he did forbear cla­ret wine he should not live long; the other told him again, that if he did not, it would make him blind▪ 'tis no mat­ter said he, 'tis better the win­dowes be shut then the whole house fall.

11

One said of all trades that of a Butcher was most strange, for he got more by dead commo­dities then any thing else.

12

One telling his friend a se­cret, desired him to keepe it close; close! said he, I will be as close as a rich mans dore at dinner time.

13

Two Gentlemen peeping through a key-hole into a chā ­ber, saw somebody at prayers, but could not well discerne whether it was a man or wo­man; the one said it was a Gen­tleman, the other said it was ra­ther a Gentlewoman, for he did not think any Gentleman would offer it.

14

A Gentleman passing the [Page] street in a great shower, was met by a water-bearer, who with his tankerd on his back, went close to the wall; the Gentleman thrusting him a­way, told him he did not think he would have grudg'd to have born water, being he got his living by it.

15

A Gentleman wearing a hat like a close-stoole-pan on his head, came to a promoter to move a sute, to him formerly propounded; saying, sir if you would doe me this favor, you might ease me of a great trou­ble: he answered (as his occa­sions prompted him) there's a thing on your head would ease me of a greater.

16

A fellow that had lost a great part of his estate by gaming, adventured once to weare an old monmouth cap on his head to see if his chance might be better; and so it hapned, for he seldome lost if he wore that cap, which occasion'd him to call it ever after, his cap of maintenance.

17

Two Gentlemen passing through Cheap-side, one of them taking speciall notice of the golden Crosse, said it might very well be accounted one of the wonders of the world; the other answered, ô by no means sir, the crosses of this world are no wonders.

18

Two passing through New­gate, one of them asked why the women in Newgate did beg singing? the other answered that Newgate was a cage only for canary birds.

19

One asked whether a horse of an asse were the more worthy creature? it was answered, a horse: ô by no means said he, an asse may be a constable of a hundred, and so cannot a horse.

20

One spit in anothers face, which was taken very ill; but he that did it excus'd it, say­ing, pray sir be not angry, if [Page] you please I'le tread it out.

21

One said a jest was like a Ve­nice glasse, spoil'd if any poy­son were in it▪ ô no said an­other, the glasse is spoil'd if poyson be in it, because it will instantly breake, but a jest was ne're good till it was broken.

22

A Poet told a Player that slighted him, that although he was now a Gentleman, yet he had seen him act a begger.

23

A child comming from Schoole, his mother call'd him and bid him show her where his lesson was; the boy present­ly [Page] turns to it, saying here it is mother, at (peace and quietnes) why yet whoreson blockhead said she, this was your lesson the last weeke, doe you thinke I'le give my mony for nothing: blame him not, said his father, though he be so long in that les­son, for I have been teaching of it to you this seven yeeres, and yet you are not perfect: ô sir (quoth she) that was because I had a foole to my tutor.

24

A Gentlewoman walking the streets with eleven silver laces on her petticoat, one that stood by with his friend mista­king the number, said looke there goes a woman with a ju­ry of laces at her tayle: she [Page] overhearing him answered, sir you are mistaken, I have but e­leven; if your nose were there it would make a full jury.

25

A Gentlewoman playing at post and paire with a Gentle­man, chanced to win a stake with a paire of knaves; quoth the Gentleman, what are you but a paire? no sir quoth she, but if you had had them, there had been pair-royall.

26

A merry fellow taking oares at Westminster, desir'd to be landed at Temple staires; whi­ther being come, and the wa­ter being very low, they were forc'd to land him in the mud; [Page] who went away and would not pay them their fare because he bad them land him at Tem­ple staires and they had landed him at Puddle wharfe.

27

One said that silence and peace were both necessary and commendable in all games: I deny that, quoth another, for at Tennis 'tis necessary to keep a racket.

28

One being committed to Newgate upon a Christmas eve told the Justice his dream was come to passe, for (said he) I dreamed I should keep a great house all this Christmas.

29

One said that of all men in the world he would not have a glutton to speake for him, be­cause he was meale-mouth'd, meaning a man whose mouth was good for nothing but his meales.

30

A Gentlewoman standing in her Belcony to see and be seen, perceiving a fellow gazing at her, began to withdraw: he cryed out to her saying, what, does the sun offend you Lady? yes said she, the sonne of thy mother does.

31

One that had had a long [Page] time a sore nose was met by a friend, and asked how his nose did? who answered it had been very ill, but now was current: the other replyed that to his thinking it was alwayes cur­rent, for he never saw it but it was running.

32

One that was troubled with sore eyes was jeer'd by another for being cleere-eyed; who an­swered they were not so sore but he could see a knave with them: the other replied, it may be, but you must look in a glasse then.

33

A Gentleman presenting a complement to his friend, de­sired [Page] he would be pleas'd to ad­mit his heart into his service: who answered he would, if he would first let him see it, that he might know his servant from another.

34

One said he thought the wind had been a Cryer of a Court, for when he made an oyes, both men and houses stood uncovered.

35

One telling a story of a fear­full dream that he had lately had, which was, that he had been in Hell, and had been there grievously tormented: one standing by, asked him how he came to awake out of [Page] such a fearfull dreame? who answered there was such rap­ping and knocking at Hell­gates by reason of the often comming, that he could not sleep any longer.

36

One asking why women were so desirous to make them selves show vgly by wearing of black bags, was answered that while they did weare hats and feathers (which was a fine comely fashion) men did then but only love them, but they did now weare black bags to make men live in feare of them.

37

One said he wondred much being there was Newgate for [Page] theeves, Bridewell for whores, and Bedlam for mad people; that there was not some such house provided for fooles: an­other overhearing him, said Sir, I would faine heare you once motion a thing that were for the common good, but you alwayes speake for your selfe, which is not well.

38

One being asked whether such a man was wise or no? an­swered he was wise with a di­stinction, that was, other-wise.

39

One being asked what part of speech a whore was? answe­red she was a verb-common, and required a dative case; [Page] and a Roarer was an adverb of swearing, which was common­ly joyned to that verb.

40

A woman swore she was as chaste as the moon: one stand­ing by objected, as the moon sweet heart! why that is no chastity at all for she hath al­waies a man in the midst of her.

41

One speaking of an extra­ordinary great wind which had done a great deal of hurt, won­dred from whence it should come, or what might be the rea­son of it; was answered that the Spaniards had lately sowen a world of pepper which made the earth so extreamly to break wind.

42

One receiving a blow upon his head while he was eating rost beefe, said if a peece of beef had not stickt in his throat that blow had kill'd him, but that sticking there, his soule could find no passage out, and so return'd in again.

43

One said his knife spoke french because it had no point.

44

A serving man comming to be entertain [...]d into a Gentle­womans service, was asked by the Gentlewoman what wages he would have? who answered three pound a yeere if she plea­sed: [Page] the Gentlewoman replied nay if I give wages I will looke you shall please me.

45

A Justice of peace threat­ning a fellow that was brought before him for stealing, saying sirra I'le teach you to steale: he repli'd, I thank your wor­ship, for if I had been well taught I had stolne with more discretion then to have been apprehended by the manour.

46

One that had been a great usurer had learned to dye scar­let, and was resolved to set up the trade, but was diswaded by a frind who told him he would never thrive by it, saying he [Page] that had lived ill could never dye well.

47

A poore Scholler walking London streets in the night, (who was going to a rich vncle of his to receive a sum of mo­ney) a boy with a linke asked if he would have a light? no said the Scholar I feare no theeves, for I am not going to pay but to receive money: ô said the boy you cannot find the way thither without a light yes said the Scholar the light­nes of my purse will show me the way thither.

48

One seeing a fellow ride a­long London streets extream­ly [Page] fast, called after him and asked him what play was that day to be playd at the red Bull? who stopping his horse, told him he was an asse to aske him such a question, being it was a question every post could tell him; the other cry'd him mer­cy, telling him he took him for a post because he rid so fast.

49

A great glutton said he had lost his stomack and could not eat any meat whatsoever: one that knew him overhearing him, said pray heavens no poor man find it, for if he doe it will undoe him.

50

A fellow that was conceived [Page] to be a cuckold being in a ta­vern with an old cook, and sit­ting at a table, one on the one side of the table, and the other on the other side; he that was conceived to be the cuckold, minding to put a trick upon the other, asked what diffe­rence there was betwixt a cook and a cuckold? the other an­swered, the table.

51

One that had the disposing of a great place was sollicited by a stranger for the place, the Gentleman that had the dispo­sure of th [...] place asked the stranger whether he had a note under the hand of some emi­nent person that might testifie his good behaviour? who an­swered, [Page] no: then said the Gen­tleman I must be excus'd, for it is a place of consequence, and if I should put a man of no note into it, I should be chid.

52

One asked why a cuckold was said to weare hornes? it was answered because his wife was a beast: why (reply'd the other) should not the wife weare them? then it was an­swered, no; because the hus­band was the head.

53

A gentleman chid his daugh­ter for wearing a cloth of gold­wast coat, saying she was a pret­ty jewell; his daughter answe­red, a jewell (father) never [Page] showes better then when it is set in gold.

54

A Gentleman who had been called knave by a witty fellow, by chance meeting the fellow, asked him whether he was a knave or no? the fellow an­swering, told him, if I should say no, I should be very un­mannerly with you Sir; why unmannerly, said the other? why then, said he, I should give a Gentleman the lye, which I would be very loth to doe.

55

One asked whence th [...] word senecta was derived it was answered, that it's Eti [...] mon was from se and neco [Page] and it's Anagram was se necat.

56

One whose name was John Wheeler, was asked how he writ his name? who answered in this manner,

Wherein is Hirogliphically ex­pressed, John Wheeler.

57

One told a ragged fellow that he was rich in rents, and asked him whether they were rents of Assize, or no? who answe­red [Page] that he had one of so big a size, that an asse might thrust in his nose.

58

A faire Lady being at the Assizes in the Country, and see­ing the Sheriffe, who was a fine young Gallant, wait upon the Judge, who was an old man; was asked whether she would rather marry the Judge or the Sheriffe? the Sheriffe said she: why so, said her friend? I love judgment well, said she, but execution a great deale better.

59

One asked why Citizens wives were so affected with wearing of hats? it was answe­red, because they did love to be covered.

60

One said a fart was a cun­ning fencer; being asked why? answered, because it aym'd at the heels, but would alwaies hit the nose.

61

One being asked why younger brothers most commonly were wiser then the eldest brother? answered, that the father knew better what did belong to the getting of them, then of the eldest.

62

One disputing that omne le­ve tendit sursum; said it could not hold, for a whore tendere deorsum.

63

One minding to raile at a fellow that had lost his eares, was found railing at the pillory as if it had been the man him­selfe: but being asked why he did not goe and speake to his face? answered, to what pur­pose? being that his eares are here.

64

One asking a mad fellow what his name was, had a box on the eare given him; and ask­ing what the cause was? was answered, that it was a trick of a knave to question a mans good name.

65

A gentleman having brought [Page] his friend down into his cellar, his friend observing there was no place in the cellar whereon to sit, asked why there were not seats in the cellar? the Gen­tleman answered, I allow every man that comes here, to stay and drink as long as he can stand, and no longer.

66

One whose name was Cor­nelius, being to declame before his Tutor (by reason of bash­fulnes) when he was to begin, was not able to speake; where­upon said his Tutor, diu expe­ctavi Cornelium & [...]nveni Ta­citum.

67

One comming to a friends [Page] house, was made to drink: the master of the house minding to complement with his friend, said the beere was dead; dead! said the man; it may very well be dead now, for it was very weake when I was here last.

68

Some Schollers in an Uni­versity grumbling because an­other was undeservedly made a master of Arts; one of them said, it is no great wonder Gen­tlemen, for you know we say omnis creatio fit ex nihilo.

69

A Gentleman going to take horse was observed to have but one spur; and being asked the reason? answered, that if he [Page] could make one side of the horse goe, he made no question but the other side would goe along with it.

70

One observing a young fel­low to be too talkative, said vir sapit qui pauca loquitur; who overhearing him, answe­red, it is true Sir, but in you it is vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.

71

An earnest contestation be­ing held betwixt an Engraver and a Sexton, whether might be the better man; the Engra­ver told him that he was a far better man, for his work was in brasse, but the others in dirt; whereupon the Sexton answe­red, [Page] there was no such diffe­rence, for, said he, though you engrave a man never so well, yet in the end I shall be desir'd to doe it over againe.

72

An executioner erecting a pillory at his owne charges, ex­pected a sum of money for e­very man that should stand in it; but being told by the She­riffe that he might not expect a­ny such thing, and that (besides) there was a man to stand in it and lose his eares the very same day; he presently swore if he saw him stand there and not pay him for it, he would have him by the eares.

73

One said it was the most dangerous thing in the world to commit a secret to a wo­man: being asked why? an­swered, that it was impossible they should keepe other peo­ples secrets close, that could never keepe their own.

74

Another was of opinion that a womans brest was the only safe place to keep a secret of consequence in; because, said he, there is no wise man will ever looke for it in such an open place.

75

A gentleman that had been a [Page] traveller, being in a place where there was a Gentlewo­man that told him she had tra­vell'd as far as he; said, Lady if this be true, you and I may lye together by authority.

76

One asking what a cuckold was good for? was answered, to stand in a great hall, to hang cloakes, hats and belts on.

77

A company of neighbors be­ing together with their wives, one of them reporting an un­truth, was upheld in it by one of the women; whereupon the husband of that woman began to chide his wife for lying with another man before his face.

78

One seeing his neighbor newly come out of a barbers shop with his beard turn'd up into his nose, asked him why he did turne an excrement in­to his nose? the other answe­red, he would rather a thou­sand times have an excrement hang in his nose then in his teeth

79

A souldier that had lost one of his armes in the wars, came to a Gentlemans dore and de­sir'd releefe for a poor Gentle­man that had lost one of his armes in the wars; one stand­ing by told him that he that could not shew armes was no Gentleman.

80

One asked whether a woman could lose her maiden-head, yet never marry nor think an un­chaste thought? it was answe­red yes; for her head might be cut off while she was a maid, and then her maiden head was gone.

81

One that was troubled with a curst wife, came to a justice to have his wife bound to the peace; the justice told him it were better to bind her to her good behavior, because all bonds were void where the condition was impossible.

82

One was telling of a purcha­ser that was jealous and fearfull that he should shortly sustaine a great losse: one overhearing answered, pish (said he) there is nothing in the world frights a purchaser but a prophesie of a generall inundation.

83

A Schoole-master upon a bitter cold day, seeeing one of his Schollers extreamly be­nu'md, asked what was the la­tin for cold? he answered, ô sir I have that at my fingers ends.

84

A Player acting upon a stage a man kill'd; but being trou­bled [Page] with an extream cold as he was lying upon the stage fell a coughing; the people laugh­ing, he rushed up and ran off the stage, saying thus it is for a man to drink in his porridg, for then he will be sure to cough in his grave.

85

A Gentlewoman sending one of her men to bid certaine per­sons of greatquality to dinner, her man returning told her he had commanded all the Gen­tlemen to come to dinner: out you rascall, said she, I com­manded you to bid them: why mistresse, quoth he, have you been in the imperative so long and doe not yet know that to bid and command is all one.

86

A Gentleman living neere Temple-bar, sent his man to the Rose-tavern for a pottle of burnt sack; his man returning with the sack, which was very hot, desir'd his master to taste it; his master burning his lip, asked his man whence it came? who answered, from the Rose: I rather think, said he, it came from the devill, it is so raging hot.

87

A precise fellow standing at the Popes-head tavern dore, began to raile at the Pope; a drawer overhearing, desir'd him at that time to forbear the Pope; why, said he? because [Page] quoth the drawer, he hath at this time a great deale of wine in his head.

88

One seeing a fellow at din­ner that he did not love, wisht every morsell was steept in aqua fortis; the fellow not under­standing latin, asked what the english of it was? who was told it was strong water: ô said the fellow, I knew he did alwaies love me.

89

A Gentleman meeting the watch, asked his friend that was with him, what all those wood­cocks did together? the watch hearing him, apprehended him and carried him before a Ma­gistrate: [Page] who being asked why he did put that tearm upon the watch? answered that he saw so many bils that he took them for a flight of woodcocks.

91

A mad prophane fellow be­ing brought into a Court for a witnes, the book being layd before him, put it back, telling them there was ne're an oath in England but he had it with­out booke.

92

A Pirat being taken by the English fleet, and kept in chains a month, at the last made an e­scape, and landing in a place where he had some friends, was asked where he had spent his [Page] time all that while, and ex­treamly chid for following that course of piracy, he swore there was no such matter; for he had all that time been a prisoner in the fleet.

93

A couple of gentlemen cros­sing the Thames from Temple staires into Southwark, a great storm rose upon a suddain, in­somuch that the water flasht o­ver into the boat; but being landed, one of the Gentlemen swore he began to stink for feare; no marvell, said the o­ther, for the boat hath bepist it selfe for feare.

94

A waggish Gentleman asked [Page] a woman whether she was a maid or no? she told him yes: take heed of lying, said he, for it is lost with lying; whereup­on she answered no.

95

A woman desiring money of her husband, was told by him that she should not get a penny from him without law: whereupon she reply'd, she would aske him no more; and for recovering of it by law, she would sue his purse to an exe­cution and he should never know it.

96

A country fellow seeing a ma­thematician taking the height of a star with his Jacobs staffe, [Page] and observing a supposed star to fall, swore the mathematici­an had kill'd the star, for he saw it fall.

97

A fellow that could not en­dure onions being sentenc'd to be hang'd, desir'd the Judge that he might be hangd in a rope of onions: being deman­ded why?? answered, then the devill would not come neere him.

98

A whore complaining that she had an extream cold in her head, and that she had got it by taking a cold in her feet; was told that she was like the yeere in one of the temperate [Page] zones, cold at both ends and horn the middle.

99

A Gentleman wearing a fan­cy in his hat, wherein there was green and yellow ribbon, was asked whose colors he wore? he answered, his mistresses: why then, said another, it seems your mistresse is troubled both with the green sicknes and yel­low jaundies.

100

A Constable being drunke fell in the street, and there lay, not able to rise; but observing people to laugh at him, char­ged them in the Kings name to ayde him; whereupon two or three mad fellows took him up [Page] and at the command of a Ju­stice put him in the stocks; the Constable, when he was in the stocks (not knowing where he was) swore if they had not ay­ded him he would have set them all by the heeles.

101

Two Gentlemen riding by Tyburn-gallowes, said one of them, methinks the gallowes looks somewhat poorly, I think it is long since there was an ex­ecution; alas, said the other, there is no hope that it can thrive, it hath so many hang­ers on.

102

One said, that of all prisons [Page] in the world, if he must needs goe to one, he would choose to goe to Ludgate; because none came there but they had their freedome.

103

A gentleman whose sirname was Bridgman, being born in London, being asked what Country-man he was? answe­red, of no Country at all, he was a London-Bridg-man.

104

One whose sir-name was El­l [...]t, being buried, his executor [...]nt for the Sexton, and asked him what he was to have for making the grave? five shil­lings, said the Sexton; how, said the executor, five shillings? [Page] there's ne're a Tailer in the Town but would have made an Ellet hole for a penny.

105

An old usurer being ex­treamly sick sent for a Physiti­on, who upon the view of his urine, told his friends there was little hope of life, for his ljver was so ill it wold shortly be his death: and is that the only cause? said one of them: yes, said the Physitian: why then, said he, the saying is true, qualis vita finis ita.

106

When the Eclipse was last upon the Sun, a company of people gazing at it, wondred what the Eclipse should be; a [Page] Gentleman in the company told them that once in three or foure yeeres the Sun did burn dim for want of snuffing, and that Phaebus was then snuffing it; and that was the cause of the darknes.

107

A Black-smith falling into shoomakers company, was ask­ed by them what he did there, not being of their profession? who answered that he was a shoomaker as well as the best of them: how, said one of them, you a shoomaker? how many shooes have you made, pray? the Black-smith answe­red, where you make one pair I make two.

108

One was saying that he had alwaies observed that whore­masters were usually the most plausible and faire condition'd men that were, when they were in mens company: another an­swering, said it was very true; for there was no whoremaster but did love an honest man with all his heart, but could not endure an honest woman.

109

A Chimney-sweeper com­ming into an Ale-house where was a Gentleman in black, the Gentleman minding to jeere him, asked when he did wash his face? the Chimney-sweeper having a glasse of beere in his [Page] hand, told him, Sir if you wer [...] not one of my owne coat I would wash you presently.

110

One said that of all cuckolds a Huntsman-cuckold was the most patient, for he weares the horn, and makes himselfe sport with it.

111

A fellow being set in the stocks, said he was left in a wood, where he could see over and under and through the wood, but knew not for his heart how to get out of the wood.

112

A Scholler in his disputati­ons [Page] said H non est litera; another sitting by whose name was Hill said it would goe very ill with his name then.

113

One having a sullen wife which much troubled him, asked her how she did? how, quoth she, neither sick nor well: whereupon he turn'd her out at doores; and being examined why? said that he was bound to cherish her, but either in sicknes or in health.

114

A Gentleman observing a poor woman extreamly tired with a paile of graines, inso­much that she sunk down un­der the burden, said she was an [Page] idle slut, because she was too light by all those graines.

115

A Gentleman going by wa­ter, his cloake hung over the boat in the water; one passing by in another boat, said, Sir your cloak burnes; he turning about, answered, therefore I put it into the water.

116

A Gentleman having his house uncovered in a windy night, and the next morning being in discourse of it, said that in all his time he neuer saw the like; why, did you ever see the wind, said another? yes marry have I, said he; pray what is it like? said the other: it was [Page] like, said he, to have blown down my house.

117

A Welch-man being at the Assizes, and seeing the priso­ners hold up their hands at the bar; comming home, told one of his acquaintance that he had been at a place where he saw fery good fortune tellers; for (quoth he) doe but hold up her hand and they was tell her pre­sently whether her shall live or dye.

118

A Country fellow that had a mighty great beard, spying a gentleman of his acquaintance, and observing him to passe by and not to take notice of him, [Page] ran to him, and taxed him for unkindnes: whereupon the Gentleman excus'd himselfe, saying, thou stand'st continu­ally behind such a great beard that a man cannot see thee.

119

A serving-man wanting mo­ney, and remembring his cloak was trim'd round with a silver lace, rips off the lace, turnes it into coin, turns the coyne into wine, & the wine into his guts: within a day or two after, it hapned the same cloak was stoln; whereupon one of his fel­lows said they were bold theeves that would steal a cloak so well garded: he answered, the gard was drunke, else they could ne're have done it.

120

It was demanded why that Latine sentence was true, rara est in tenui facundia panno; it was answered, when a man hath a threed bare coat, his wits are a woolgathering.

121

A Scholler espying the pi­cture of St. Peter with the keys, and another of St. John, who is usually done in long haire; be­gan to wonder in these words; what a prepostorous painter was this! what should St. Peter doe with the keyes, when St. John carries away the locks.

122

A Gentleman meeting a [Page] stage player in a sicknes time, who had formerly plaid wo­mens parts; told him he was growne grave, and that he be­gan to have a beard; the other answered, while the grasse growes the horse did starve; meaning, because there was then no playing, and therefore he did let his beard grow.

123

A Scholler in the University being punisht x^s came into the buttery and made it x^a; being asked how he durst doe it? re­plyed, it is not orthography; post x non scribitur s.

124

A Gentleman having a large hand, being at supper with a [Page] shoulder of mutton, having also with him a witty compa­nion that had plaid very much upon him, swore, by this hand I will be reveng'd; the other replyed that he had sworne a greater oath then if he had sworne by the shoulder of mutton.

125

A Gentleman being accus'd for lying with another mans wife, denied it, saying, I never lay with her, but (I confesse) I kist her.

126

A Citizen being made cuckold by one of his neighbors, brings his action against the party, and layes his clausum fregit, do­mum [Page] intravit, &c. the busines comming to a tryall, the Jury bring in a verdict for the plan­tiffe and a mark damage: at which the Judge in merriment repli'd, here's an honest man is content to enter himselfe a cuckold upon record, and you give him but a mark damages? I would you were all so markt, and then you would better consider of it.

127

A wit out of means meeting an usurer, intreated him to lend him five pounds: the usurer answered, Sir I know you not; the other repli'd, therefore I ask you; for they that know me will not lend me five shillings.

128

One told his friend if he would be pleased to goe with him, he would bring him to a place where they should have wenches and lobsters by the belly.

129

A Bible-Clark in the Uni­versity being reprov'd by the Head of the house for giving short psalmes; next time he was to give out the psalme, ri­ses, saying, sing quicunque vult, and so goes out of the chappel.

130

A poore country fellow in a black threed-bare sute, thought it some pollicy to beg [Page] neere an University, thinking thereby to be taken for a poore Scholler; and on a time using the phrase of pray Sir remember a poor Scholler, a Gentleman threw him a shilling, and asked him de quo fuit Collegio? which he understood not; where­upon the gentleman asked him, didst thou not tel me thou wast a Scholler? Sir I told you I was a poore one.

131

A Gentleman being at sup­per, where amongst other com­pany, there was a lasse newly married, which formerly had an ill report; meane time, a health going about in a soder'd glasse, the Gentleman, when the glasse came to his hand, [Page] took an occasion to say though this glasse be mended, yet the blemish remaines; the lasse ta­king exceptions, said, Sir I think it is as sound as your selfe: whereupon he answered, cry you mercy mistresse, it was but a letter mistaken.

132

A Gentleman comming into a friends house, was brought up into a faire large dining room; his dog comming up with him hapned to foule the room; which when the mistresse of the house espied, she was very angry, and told the Gentleman he should have brought him up better: the Gentleman repli'd, he brought him up well enough if he could but have behav'd [Page] himselfe well while he was up.

133

One bidding his cobler to put him some nailes in his shooes that they might last the longer; ô by no meanes, said the cobler, if you will have your shooes to last your life, never put nailes in them.

413

One asked who was the first noted rich man? it was answe­red, Abraham: another repli'd, and that, I think, is the reason why many rich men have been Abrahams ever since.

135

One seeing a man that had his beard beginning to come [Page] under his chin, said it was like a demicaster, because it was rough under.

136

One that had stole a watch was pursued by the Constables; who escaping them, was after­ward met by the owner, and taken with the watch in his pocket: whereupon he said that he had very ill luck to e­scape the Constables and be ta­ken with the watch.

137

A gentlewoman seeing a man have a red face, said his face was disparkt, because there was no pale in it: the man answe­red, though there was no pale, yet there was a great deele of [Page] red deere in it, meaning deare red.

138

One seeing a man have a red nose, said, Sir your eyes are not matches; I know they are not, said he, for if they were, my nose had set them on fire by this time.

139

One asked why men did use now adayes to weare holland bands and cambrick boot-hose tops? it was answered, it was a fashion brought from the An­tipodes, and none but Antipo­dian Gentlemen did use it.

130

One asked why whores were [Page] said to be light? it was answe­red, that many hands made light worke.

141

A Gentleman complained to one of his neighbors that his maid was begot with child by one of his serving-men; where­upon his neighbor asked him whether he himselfe was not a little guilty of it? who answe­red he did not know of it, but was asleep in his bed when it was done: the other reply'd, it seems you did wink at the fact, which was as bad as if you had done it your selfe.

142

One asked a Gentlewoman why she so much delighted to [Page] ride with Gentlemen in a coach? who answered, because she did love to be shaken.

143

One said he was very sorry such a venison pasty was eaten, and said that he could find in his heart to write an epitaph upon it; another answered, he must then put up his epitaph in the house of office, for there it was buried.

144

One said to his friend, take not tobacco in that pipe for it is foule; foule! said his friend, it is dead then, for otherwise it would fly away.

145

One asked how old another was? he answered, three and threescore: and why not three­score and three, said he? he answered, because I was three before I was threescore.

146

Two conspired together, whereof one was a Gold-smith to steal a silver-bole, intending to share the businesse betwixt them; which when they had stolne, he that was the Gold­smith; because it should not be known did gild it over: it was sentenced when the matter came to scanning, though the other stole it, yet the gilt of the fact lay upon the Gold-smith.

147

One comming by a Sexton (who was making a grave for one Button which was a great tal fellow) asked him for whom that extraordinary long grave was? he answered he had made many longer then that, and said it was but a button-hole in re­spect of some graves that he had made.

148

One said a barber was an active man, for if he did once take out his wooden combe he would box a man about the eares and the man scarce feel it.

149

One said a cook of all men [Page] had the worst digestion, for as soone as he had eaten his meat he would be sure to spit his meat up againe.

150

A great tall fellow whose name was Way, lay along the street drunk: one went over him, and being asked why he did so? he answered, he did but goe along the high-way.

151

A Gentleman (that was us'd to send his letters by a foot-post that was an old flegmatick rotten fellow) complained that he suffered much prejudice be­cause his letters came too late to his friends hands: another standing by told him it was his [Page] owne fault, because he did send them by a rotten post.

152

One was saying he wondred why the people in Aethiopia did not write straight along, as we Northern people: one an­swered, they writ under the line; and that was the reason of it.

153

A Dyer who was an idle drunken fellow, was complai­ning to a Scholler that he had very ill fortune in his busines, and that commonly those things that he undertooke to dye were spoiled: the Scholler told him that the only way to have this amended, was to re­form [Page] himselfe, for he that lived ill could never dye well.

54

One whose name was Church was telling some of his neigh­bors that his wife was with child, and that he never in his life saw any woman so big be­fore; besides, told them that he feared she would dye on child-bed: whereupon one of them comforted him, saying that there was no cause to feare her death; and for her bignes, that was no wonder, in regard she had a Church in her belly.

155

A certain man was mightily affected with a woman whose name was Wall, which did use [Page] painting very much, his friends did disswade him from com­ming neer her, telling him they did wonder he was so besotted to set his affections upon a pain­ted wall.

157

One whose name was Milld being in a tavern, tooke out a new coyn'd sixpence; who observing the company to take notice of the brightnes of the peece, told them it was a milld sixpence.

158

One asked what the reason was that some women were so light heel'd now adayes? it was answered, because they did weare cork-heel'd shooes.

159

One having a Play-book called the Wits, which he much valued, by chance lost it: but while he was chafing and swea­ring about the losse of his book in comes one of his friends, who asking the cause of his dis­temper? it was answered that he had lost his wits.

160

One stood to prove that a Brewers horse was a tapster, be­cause he did draw beere: an­other answered him, it could not be; because though a brew­ers horse (if he were overladen) would froth, yet he could not nick.

161

One reading of a Curranto, said he wondred that men did so affect to lye in paper, and yet without sheets.

162

One asked what herb that was that cured all diseases? it was answered, Time.

163

One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his mistresse, asked a Schol­ler what termes were best to give her? who told him the Venus lasse of his affections was a good word; he mista­king, writ to the Venice glasse of his affections; which was a [Page] truer title then he was aware of.

164

An Upholster was chiding his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work and had not his nailes and hammar in readines when he should use them; telling him that when he was an appren­tice he was taught to have his nailes at his fingers ends.

165

One whose name was Rapier being a man of a grave calling, yet using to weare a white suit, was chid for not getting a black scabbard to his rapier.

166

One asked what that young [Page] man deserved that did love al­waies to be in a Play-house? it was answered, a box.

167

One being at a friends house in the night, was perswaded to stay all night; but denied, say­ing he would be gone because it was moon-light: his friend told him he thought he had not been so lunatique as to love to walke in the moon-light.

168

One wondred why there were so many pickpockets a­bout the streets, notwithstan­ding a watch was at every cor­ner! it was answered, that was all one, for a pick-pocket would as gladly meet with [Page] a watch as any thing else.

169

Certain Gossips discoursing of the company their husbands kept; troth, sayes one, my hus­band is no sooner out of dores, but he has as many about him as there is to see the great beast with two paire of horns.

170

A company of Country fel­lows disputing of learning, and what a crooked, hard, and in­tricat thing it was to be a good Scholler: truly, saies one, and so it is, for I have heard your best laten is in crooked lane.

171

A young lascivious Gallant [Page] wanting mony, could not with his credit sell any thing: yet, his father being but lately dead, at length was checkt by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life; and withall, told that he had base and beast­ly associats that did draw him to ill houses: he taking this o­portunity, answered, truly friends your counsell is very good, I will presently goe sell my coach and horses.

172

A steward being set on by a theefe, who commanded him to de [...]iver, he being a receiver: the steward repli'd, I hope you will spare me, I being a receiver also: you shall be, said the theef, if you deliver not the sooner.

173

One sitting at dinner where great store of rude mirth was discoursed and laught at; a pratling youth clapt him on the shoulder, and asked him if he was making verse, he was so mute? (who reply'd, he was) speake them, quoth he: no, re­ply'd the other: why you can­not speake them in better com­pany: I suppose so, quoth the modest man, but two fooles at once will be too troublesome.

174

A Gentleman going along the street, was entreated by a poor cripple that had wooden legges, to bestow his charity: to whom the Gentleman an­swered, [Page] if he would make a hansome legge he should have a couple of farthings.

175

A company of Gentlemen comming into a tavern whose signe was the Moon, called for a quart of sack? the drawer told them, they had none: whereat the Gentlemen won­dring, were told by the drawer that the man in the Moon al­wayes drunk claret.

176

One that was skil'd in wri­ting short hand, promised a Lawyers Clarke to teach him his skill: who thanked him for his paines; but told him they could not live by making [Page] short hand of any thing.

177

One said a Civit-cat was a dainty thing to keep in a house because her dung was sweet: another said it was true; but yet it was more profitable to keep a cook, especially in a deare yeere, because he spitted rost.

178

A woman having married an old man whose name was Edward (whom she thought had been very rich, but not worth a penny) being asked what she had by her marriage? answered, an old Edward.

179

A Gentleman comming in the night to visit an old man who had a hansome wench to his wife, and suspected to be a little too light, was entreated by the old man to walke into a room; his wife having a can­dle in her hand, entreated the Gentleman to follow her; who told her, he would have her husband (because he was an old man) to follow the light.

180

Two Gentlemen were in a deep dispute whether the man in the Moon was a Gentleman or a Cittizen? it was determi­ned by a Scholler, that when she was at full, there was a Gen­tleman [Page] in her; but when she appeared like a horn, there was a Cittizen in her.

181

A Gentleman in wants was advised by his friend to serve a Noble-man, that so he might raise his fortune: that was, said he, to refuse a lesser poverty for a greater; for although I am poore, yet I have my self, there I shall not.

182

A Book-binder disappoin­ting a Scholler of his bookes which he had to bind for him, the Scholler being angry, call'd him idle knave: the Binder not long after, brought home his books; and having received [Page] his money for them, desired to know of the Scholler, why he call'd him knave the other day? to deale plainly with thee, said the Scholler, because I would not flatter thee: why Sir, doe you thinke so, said the Binder? yes faith, repli'd the Sholler: then I waigh not your words much, quoth the Binder, since children and fooles speak what they thinke: I, but they are knaves, said the Scholler, that speake against knowledge: in­deed Sir I tooke you for one of them, and so went his way.

183

One said Tailers and But­ton-makers were happy, for they might get their livings, and yet sit still.

184

One that married a Candle­makers widdow, that was sup­posed to be a little too light, was asked why he married her? he answered, because he loved light.

185

One said Tobacco-shops of all orher places, were the most dangerous to come into, be­cause there were none ever frequented them, but he smoakt for it.

186

One whose name was Pippin being in a green suit, chanced on a Christmas day to meet his friend; who told him it was a [Page] rare thing to see a green pippin on Christmas day.

187

One said Glovers in the Country got their livings most by cutting purses, and yet they were never punished for it.

188

A pretty wench but lately come out of the Country in her pouledavis and linsi-woolsy petticoats, living in the strand, was seene not long after in her silkes and sattins; and being by one of her Country-women demanded how such might be purchased? faith, answer'd she, only for the taking up.

189

A Cittixen going out of towne with some of his neigh­bors to hunt; pre-thee sweet­heart, sayes he to his wife, pray that I meet not a Diana, and so come home like to Actaeon, horn'd, or be torne to peeces with the dogs: his wife think­ing he had closely jeer'd her, and thinking to be revenged; said, truly husband whether you meet Diana or no, I'le take order you shall not want.

190

Certain Gallants being at a Taverne where they spar'd no liquor, insomuch that all were well entred, but one whose sto­mack was somewhat weaker, [Page] and therefore lighter, did no­thing but spew; and calling for a reckoning? why, sayes one of his friends, cannot you tell, that have so often cast up what you have drunke.

191

A Gentleman meeting of a married Souldier newly come from the wars, demanded what charge he underwent? the Souldier replyed, a Captaines: truly, answered the Gentleman, then you may helpe your wife to an Ancients place, for she can beare stoutly.

192

A fellow going downe Lud­gate Hill, his heeles by chance slipping from him, fell upon [Page] his breech: one standing by told him that London-stones were stout and scornfull; it may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kisse my breech as stout as they were.

193

A Coward told his friend that one gave him a box on the eare, and he did not strike him again, but turn'd the other also to him: to which his friend answered, sure there was a great fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides.

194

One asked why Prentices were so briefe with their clubs when Gentlemen were falling out or quarreling in the streets? [Page] one replyed, it was their op­portunity to be revenged on them for medling with their mistresses.

195

One asked a Gentlewoman in which part of the house she did use to lye? it was answer'd, that she lay backwards, and did let out her fore-roomes.

196

A shoo-maker sent his man unto a Gentleman who had owed him money a long time for bootes and shooes that had formerly been made for him: the servant comming to the Gentleman, told him his master would entreat him to send that little money which was due to [Page] him as aforesaid? whereat the Gentleman (rather willing to cavell then pay) in a great rage answered, Thou rogue, what doth thy master thinke I am running away, that he sends after me for such a triflle as this is? no Sir, replyed the servant, my master doth not thinke you are about to run away, but he is; and that makes him so ear­nest with you and others that he might take his money along with him.

197

A hang-man being sued in a Court, and perceiving the bu­sines was like to goe against him, desir'd the Court to be mercifull, because he was a poor man: the Atturny that was [Page] on the other side, told the Court that there was no cause for him to plead poverty; be­ing he was a man that had mo­ney at use, and that besides, his place was worth forty pound a yeere: whereto the hang-man repli'd, it was not true, for, said he, you shall have it for twenty.

198

A stammering fellow being brought before a Justice for some misdemeanour, was tel­ling the Justice of one that had abusd him; saying that he was as arrant a knave as his worship —ever knew: whereupon the Justice offended with the stam­mering fellow, asked what trade he was? who answered, a joiner: whereupon the Ju­stice [Page] reply'd, pray joine your words a little better together, or I'le set you by the heeles.

199

One being at a supper where he was promised a venison pa­sty, which proved a mutton one; said, this venison? this is wise venison: whereupon said his friend, no, it is but ve­nison wise.

200

One being asked whether prose or verse was the best kind of writing? answered, prose next verse: which may be ta­ken two wayes; that is, prose next to verse, or prose, and next to that, verse.

201

An idle Justice of Peace is like the picture of Saint George upon a signe-post with his sword drawne to no purpose.

202

Hee that speakes great Gun­powder words may be compa­red to a deepe mouth'd Dogge, or bee said to have a tympany in his tongue.

203

A Souldier said he had beene in so many battels and had been so battered with bullets that he swore he thought he had a mine of lead in his belly.

204

Lovers oathes are like mari­ners prayers, when once the [Page] heate is over, they are not the same men.

205

Women are like dead bodies for Surgeons to worke upon, because they tell a man his im­perfections.

206

Musitians may bee compared unto Cameleons, because they live by ayre.

207

One said it was a difficult thing to perswade a multitude (especially in a City where they are for the most part strong hea­ded) to any reason.

208

One was called foole for as­king what Country man a Plough man was, because it is [Page] knowne said one, they were all borne in Hungary.

209

One asked a man whether he had swallowed a Doctor of Phy­sickes bill, because he spoke such hard words.

210

The Philosophers stone had need turne all mettals to Gold, because the study of it turnes all a mans gold to other mettall.

211

One asked a Poet where his wits were, he answered a wool-gathering, the other replyed there was no people had more need of it.

212

One asked whence choller was descended, one answered that she was the daughter of a great mans Porter begot of a Kitchin wench in the time of a Feast.

213

One asked another why hee loved woodcoke so extreamly, the other answered why not I as well as you, for I am sure you never goe abroad but you carry one under your cloake.

214

One asked why a Knight tooke place of a Gentleman, it was answered because they were Knights now a days before they were Gentlemen.

215

One said the Midwives trade of all trades was most commen­dable, because they lived not by the hurts of other men, as Sur­geons doe; nor by the falling out of friends as Lawyers doe: but by the agreement betwixt party and party.

216

One said a good Client was like a study gowne, that sits in the cold himselfe to keepe his Lawyer warme.

217

One said the fees of a Pander and a puny clarke are much a­like, for the pander had but two pence next Morning for making the bed, and that was a peny a sheet.

218

A woman was commending a boyes face, pish quoth another give me a mans face, a boyes face is not worth a haire.

219

One compared a domineering fellow to a walking Spurre, that keepes a great jingling noise but never pricks.

220

One said it was unfit a glasier should be a Constable, because he was a common quarreller.

221

One said hee had received a shee-letter, because saith hee it hath a young one in the belly of it.

222

One asked the reason why Lawyers Clearks writ such wide lines, another answered it was done to keepe the peace, for if the Plaintiffe should be in one line and the Defendant in the next line, the lines being too neare together they might per­haps fall together by the eares.

223

One said hee was so tender hearted that he could not find in his heart to kill a Louse, ano­ther answered, that it proceeded only from faint heartednesse, be­cause he had not the heart to see his owne blood.

224

One said a rich Widdow was like the rubbish of the World, [Page] that helpes onely to stop the breaches of decayed houses.

225

A Master spoke in a straine his Servant understood not, where­upon the Servant desired his Master rather to give him blows then such hard words.

226

Those that say gallants put all upon their backes abuse them, for they spend a great deale more upon their bellies.

227

One said it was a strange fashi­on that wee had in England to receive money with wives and give money for Wenches; It was answered that in ancient time women were good and [Page] than men gave money for their Wives, but now like light gold they would not passe without allowance.

228.

One perswaded another to marry a Whore because she was rich, telling him that perhaps she might turne, turne said the other shee hath beene so much worne that she is past turning.

229

One put a jest upon his friend, O, said his friend, that I could but see your braines, I would e­ven hugge them for this j [...]st.

230

One asked why Sextons did use to weare blacke, it was an­swered that in regard of their of­fice [Page] thee were to meddle with grave-matters and did there­fore weare blacke.

231

One seeing another weare a thred-bare Cloake, asked him whether his cloake was not slee­py or no, why doe you aske said the other, because said hee, J thinke it hath not had a nap this seven yeares.

232

One asked what was the usuall food of Citizens wives, it was answered, though they loved flesh better then fish, yet for tem­perance sake they would so dyet themselves, that at Noone they fed onely upon carp, at night on Cods-head, and when they [Page] went abroad a little place would content them better then any o­ther thing.

233

One wondred much what great Scholler this same Finis was, because his name was al­most to every Booke.

234

One asked what he was that had a fine wit in jest, it was an­swered a foole in earnest.

235

One hearing a Usurer say hee had beene on the pike of Teneriff (which is supposed to be one of the highest Hils in the World) asked him why he had not staid there, for he was perswaded hee [Page] would never come so neere hea­ven againe,

236

A Citizen begins a health to all the Cuckolds in the World, the Gentleman to whom the health was presented seeing him with his cap in his hand, said, what doe you meane Sir, pray remember your selfe.

237

One asked a foot-boy why hee was so affected with linnen stockings, hee answered because hee was troubled with running legges.

238

One said to another that his face was like a popish Almanack all holydayes because it was full of pimples.

239

One said it was a good fashion that was worne now a dayes, be­cause the Taylers had so con­trived it, that there was little or no waste in a whole suit.

240

One said a jealous wife was like an Irish trouze alwayes close to a mans tayle.

241

One said an Apothecaries house must needs be healthful, because the windowes, benches, boxes, and almost all the things in the house tooke physicke.

242

One said a Physitian was na­turall brother to the wormes, because hee was ingendered out [Page] of mans corruption.

243

One gave a fellow a box on the eare, the fellow gave him a­nother, what doe you mean (said he that gave the first box) I did not lend you a boxe, I freely gave it you, the other answered, he was a gamster and had beene alwayes used to pay the boxe.

244

A Gentleman that bore a spleene to another meets him in the street, gives him a box on the eare, the other not willing to strike again puts it off with a jest asking him whether it was in jest or in earnest, the other an­swers it was in earnest, I am glad of that said he, for if it had been [Page] in jest I should have beene very angry, for I doe not like such je­sting, and so past away from him.

245

One that was justly Jealous of his Wife said, prethee leave these courses, for if thou dost not they will ere it belong make me horne-mad.

246

One said to a Gentleman that was too full of complement, pray you Sir doe not spend so much wit, if you be so prodigall of it you will ere it belong have none left for your selfe.

247

There is nothing sayes one more revengfull then hemp, for if a man once beat it, especially in Bridewell, 'tis a hundred to [Page] one but it will bee the death of him shortly after.

248

He that sweares when he lo­seth his money at gaming, may challenge Hell by way of pur­chase.

249

One asked which were sup­posed to be the two fruitfullest Acres of ground in the whole Kingdome? It was answered Westminster-Hall, and the old Exchange.

250

It was asked why fat men did love their ease so much, because said one, the soule in a fat body lyes soft, and is therefore loath to rise.

251

One asked why young Barristers [Page] used to sticke their Cham­ber windowes with letters, be­cause said another it was the first thing that gave the world no­tice of their worships.

252

One having dranke a Cup of dead beere, swore that the beere was more then foxed, another demanding his reason (quoth he) because it is dead drunke.

253

Usurers live, sayes one, by the fall of heires, like Swine by the dropping of Acornes.

254

One said a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their cloathes.

255

One wondred what pleasant kind of oratory the Pillory had in him, that men loved to have their eares nail'd to it.

256

One said suppose all the wo­men in the world were like pa­tient Grizell, then said another, we might make Christmas-blocks of the Cucking-stooles.

257

An Antiquary sayes, one loves every thing (as Dutch-men doe Cheese) for being mouldy and wormeaten.

258

One said a Player had an idle imployment of it, O you are mistaken said another for his [Page] whole life is nothing else but action.

259

One asked his friend how he should use Tobacco so that it might doe him good, he answe­red, you must keepe a Tobacco shop and sell it, for certainly there is none else find good in it.

260

A simple fellow in gay cloths sayes one, is like a Cinnamon tree, the barke is of more worth then the body.

261

If a man be Cornelius, sayes one, he must be Tacitus too, other­wise he shall never live quietly.

262

One entreated a prisoner to [Page] doe him a courtesie, telling him that hitherto he had found him a fast friend, and hee hoped hee should find him so still.

263

A Gentleman riding on the way would needs turne back to kisse his wife that was behind him, he was therefore commen­ded for a kind husband in regard hee was before to kisse his wife behind.

264

One asked whether such a man were twise or no, it was answe­red that he was otherwise.

265

One perswaded a Scholler that was much given to going a­broad that he would put away [Page] his cushion, and it would bee a meanes to make him sit harder to his study.

266

One said poetry and plaine dealing were a couple of han­some wenches, another answe­red yes, but hee that weds him­selfe to either of them shall dye a begger.

267

One said hee had heard the story of St. George how he kil'd the Draggon that would else have devoured the maid, a & did wonder that men would devise such lyes, for saith hee, it is held by most men that there was ne­ver such a man as St. George, nor ever such a creature as a Drag­gon, another answers for Saint George, 'tis no great matter nei­ther [Page] for the Draggon whether there were sueh or no, pray hea­ven there be a maid and then it is no matter.

268

A Scholler and a Courtier mee­ting in the street seemed to con­test for the wall, sayes the Cour­tier I doe not use to give every coxcombe the wall, the Schol­ler answered but I doe sir, and so passed by him.

269

One asked the reason why women were so crooked and perverse in their conditions, a­nother answered because the first woman was made of a croo­ked thing.

270

A rich Lawyer that had got a great estate by the Law upon [Page] his death bed was desirous to give twenty pound per annum, to the House of Beallam, being demanded why he would give it to that House rather then ano­ther, he answered that he had got it of mad men, and to them he would give it againe.

271

One said Women were like quicke Sands, seemed sirme, but if a man came upon them, he fell in over head and shoulders.

272

Another said a Woman was like a piece of old Grogram al­wayes fretting.

273

One asked why men should thinke there was a world in the [Page] Moone. It was answered because they were lunatique.

274

One asked why Ladies called their husbands Master such a one, and master such a one, and not by their Titles of Knight­hood, as Sir Thomas, Sir Richard, Sir William, &c. It was answe­red that though others called them by their right titles, as Sir William, Sir Thomas, &c. yet it was fit their Wives should master them.

275

One asked what was the first commodity a yong shopkeeper put off; it was answered his ho­nestie.

276

One asked why Icarus would [Page] undertake to flye in the ayre: it was answered because he was a Buzzard.

277

Two Gentlemen talking in Latin in the presence of a wo­man she grew Jealous that they spake of her, and desired them to speake English, that she might answer them, for she said she was perswaded when men spake La­tin, although they spake but two words, that still one of them was nought: whereupon one of the Gentlemen said presently, Bonae Mulier, she replyed, I know Bona is good, but I'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that's nought.

278

A simple fellow being too [Page] bold with one that was his supe­rior, was told he might say what he would for that day because it was Innocents day, it being so in­deed.

279

One said a Barber had need be honest and trusty because whosoever employed him, though it was but for a haire matter, he put his life into his hands.

280

A suit in Law being referred to a Gentleman the plaintiffe who had the equity of the cause on his side pres [...]ed him with a new Coach, the Defendant with a couple of Horses, he li­king the Horses better then the Coach, gave sentence on the Defendants side: the Plaintiffe [Page] cals to him, and asketh him how it came to passe the Coach went out of the right way, he answers that he could not help it for the horses had drawne it so.

281

One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils the least was to be chosen▪

282

One asked how it came to passe that Hosts had usually red Noses, it was answered that it was given to them by nature to show to the world an experi­ment of the vertue of what he sold.

283

A vaine-glorious man was bragging that his Father and his Uncle had founded such an Ho­spitall, [Page] one answered 'tis true but yet know that your Father and your Uncle were the meere confounders of that Hospitall you speake of.

284

One said a Tooth drawer was a kind of an unconscionable trade because his Trade was nothing else, but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.

285

One asked why he that drew Beere, was not called a drawer aswell as he that drew Wine, it was answered that Beere made a man to pisse, but it was Wine made him draw.

286

One said he wondred that Lether was not dearer then any [Page] other thing, being demanded a reason: because saith he, it is more stood upon then any o­ther thing in the world.

287

One said a Hangman had a contemplative profession be­cause he never was at worke, but he was put in mind of his owne end.

288

One called another Rogue, he answered, durst I trust thee with a looking glasse you would quit me and condemne your selfe.

289

A fellow that had no money in his pocket, was in a great rage with another, who told him, pray Sir doe not put your selfe into too much heat, unlesse you [Page] had more money in your poc­ket whereby to quench it.

290

One being asked what Coun­tryman he was, he answered a Middlesex man, the other told him, being he was neither of the Male sex, nor of the Female sex, but of a Middlesex, he must then be a Hermaphrodit.

291

One said Corne was a quar­relsome creature, because it rose by the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.

292

Why doe Ladies so affect slen­der wastes (said one) 'tis (reply­ed another) because their ex­pences may not be too great.

293

One commending a Tayler for his dexterity in his professi­on; another standing by ratified his opinion, saying Tailors had their businesse at their fingers ends.

294

One being demanded the rea­son why he thought the greatest drinkers quickest of apprehensi­on, made this answer: Qui super naculum bibit ad unguem sapit.

295

A Poet, sayes one, is a man of great priviledge, because if hee transgresse it is by a rule; viz. Li­centiâ poeticâ.

296

The severest stoicks (said one) are the greatest Students, be­cause [Page] their contracted browes are alwayes bent to study.

297

Colliers and Mine-workers, should be well acquainted with all the Philosophicall secrets of the Earth, because they have deeper knowledge in it, then any others.

298

Tapsters said one should be men of esteem, because they are men not onely of a high calling, but also of great reckoning.

299

'Tis impossible that Saylers should be rich men, because they are never so well pleased as when they goe downe the wind fastest.

300

A woman said of all men she had a desire to marry a Hunts­man, because he would not dis­daine to weare the horne.

301

Of all Knaves there's the greatest hope of a Cobler, for though he be never so idle a fel­low yet he is still mending.

302

The nearest man in a King­dome (said one) is a Barber, for he cannot endure to have a haire amisse.

303

Wit bought, is better then Wit taught, because he that ne­ver bought any is but a naturall wit.

304

'Tis probable that those wo­men that paint most shall live longest, for where the House is kept in repaire there is no feare but it will be inhabited.

305

One said that tall men of all others were most happy, because they were nearer heaven then all other men.

306

A squint-ey'd man (sayes one) is the most circumspect of all men, because he can looke nine wayes at once.

307

One said that tall men should be great Polititians, because they have an extraordinary reach.

308

One said Hang-men were ve­ry happy, because those men they do most hurt will never be able to render them quid pro que.

309

It is in some sort necessary, that some rich men should bee Dunces, because the pretenders to learning may get preferment: for the good wits will be able to helpe themselves.

310

One was saying, it was a fine quality to be able to speake well ex tempore, why then said ano­ther, we may commend every woman, for they have the most nimble fluent tongues, and that without study or consideration.

311

Hang-men practice their cun­ning for the most part on good natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive before the hurt be attempted.

312

He that hath but one eye is more like to hit the marke he aymes at then another, because he hath a monstrous sight.

313

Glasiers said one must needes be good Arbitrators, for they spend their whole time in no­thing but composing of quarels.

314

Carpenters said one, are the ci­vilest men in a Common-wealth for they never doe their busi­nesse without a Rule:

315

Of all wofull friends a Hang­man is the most trusty, for if he once have to doe with a man, he will see him hang'd before hee shall want money or any thing else.

316

Bricklayers are notable wan­ton fellowes, for they have al­wayes to doe with one trull or other.

317

Stationers could not live if men did not beleeve the old say­ing, that Wit bought is better then Wit taught.

318

Those that carry about with them counterfeit Coyne, are more nice and curious of it, then [Page] of good Gold and Silver, for they cannot endure to have that toucht of all the rest.

319

Gunners are more serious in what they doe, then other men: for what they doe, they do with a powder.

320

Musquetiers of all other Soul­diers, are the most lazie, for they are alwayes at their rest.

321

One among a company of his companions who had been drin­king very much, by chance let a fart, who for conceits sake, said to one of his companions with whom hee might make bold, pree-thee pledge me, he answe­red I cannot; he then replyed, [Page] I pray doe but kisse the cup.

322

One passing through Cheap-side, a poore Woman desired his charity, he disregarding the wo­man kept on walking, and by and by let a fart: the woman hearing it, said, much good may it doe your worship, he hearing her say so, turnes back and gives her a tester; she thank't him and told his Worship, it was a bad wind that did blow no body good.

323

A man walking the street, let a great—upon which hee je­stingly said, cracke me that nut, it being heard of a waggish wench that was in a chamber o­ver [Page] his head, who being well provided at that time with a perfum'd Chamber-pot, throws it out of the Window upon his head, saying there's the Kernill of your nut Sir.

324

One said a Miller was the sit­test husband for a Scold, because when the Mill goes, if her tongue goes ne're so fast it can­not be heard.

325

One said that Duke Humfrey's guests were the most temperate men in the World, it being knowne that at his Table there was never any made drunke, nor with his dyet dyed of a surfet.

326

One said Physitians had the [Page] best of it, for if they did well the World did proclaime it, if ill the earth did cover it.

327

It is a necessary and fit thing that women learne Roman-hand because (saith one) they were ne­ver good Secretaries, nor ever will be.

328

One saw a man and his Wife fighting, the people asked him why he did not part them, he answered, that he had beene bet­ter bred, then to part man and wife.

329

One said that Tobacconists would endure the wars well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoake.

330

A Drawer for one thing or other is alwayes appearing at the barre, but is not punisht, yet not­withstanding 'tis all scor'd up.

331

Scriveners are most hard har­ted fellowes, for they never re­joyce more, then when they put other men in bonds.

332

Smiths of all Handy-crafts men are the most irregular, for they never thinke themselves better employed, than when they are addicted to their vices.

333

Those which weare long haire are in the readiest way to make good Fryars, for they [Page] may promise to themselves the happinesse to enjoy bald crownes without the helpe of a Barber.

334

Tapsters are not onely very rash but very expert, for they are apt to draw upon all occasi­ons, and yet suffer very few to goe away scot free.

335

Of all diseases the three-quar­ters harme is most dangerous and most desired: for all women desire to multiply though they labour ne're so hard for it.

336

Fidlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never doe any thing but it is against the haire.

337

Trumpeters are much subject to sickly distempers, for com­monly when they are most in health, they will fall a sounding.

338

Horse-keepers and Ostlers (let the world goe which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men.

339

One said it was no great mat­ter what a Drunkard said in his drinke, for he seldom spake any thing that he could stand to.

340

A Hypocrite is odious (sayes one) to God, to Man, and to the Devill: God hates him because [Page] he is not what he seemes, Man hates him because he seemes what he is not, and the Devill hates him, because he seemes not what he is truly and indeed.

341

One said of all professions, that Stage-players were the most Philosophicall men that were, because they were as mer­ry and as well contented when they were in Rags as when they were in Robes.

342

Great Eaters are the most va­liant men, for they never fight but with a good stomacke.

343

One asked what the reason was, that few women loved to [Page] eate egges: it was answered be­cause they cannot endure to beare the yoke.

344

One drinking of a Cup of burnt Claret, said he was not a­ble to let it downe, another de­manded why: he answered be­cause it was red hot.

345

A poore man that lived in the Suburbs of London, being owner of a little field, had got together so much mony to buy two little fields more of an acre of ground a piece, yet he was said to bee rich, because he had purchased More-fields.

346

One said roaring Gallants were like Pedlers, because some [Page] of them did carry their whole estates upon their backes.

347

One said that some Taylors were like woodcockes, because they lived by their long bils.

348

An Oculist is excellent at sleight of hand, for if he under­take to cure a blind man, he will so doe it, that the patient shall see he does it.

349

One said it was dangerous to wrong a Physitian, because if he once have to doe with a man he will be sure to make him stinke.

350

An Inkeeper brag'd he had a [Page] bed so large, that two hundred Constables had lyen in it at one time, meaning two Constables of hundreds.

351

A Prison is a good instrument of reformation, for it makes ma­ny rogues and lewd fellowes staid men.

352

One complaining that his Son was a very prodigall, and that he would give an hundred pounds to have him reclaimed: his neighbour that heard him com­plaine, answered, let him bee a French-Tayler, for they make no waste.

354

One demanded of a wilde young Gentleman the reason why he would sell his land, who [Page] answered because he hoped to goe to heaven, which he could not possibly doe till he forsook earth.

354

In the Common-wealth of Fishes are many Officers: Her­ring the King, Sword-fish his guard, Lobsters are Aldermen, Crabs are Constables, and poore Iohns the common sort of peo­ple.

355

An idle unthrift having no­thing left to maintaine his hu­mor of good fellowship but his bed, sold it; for which being re­proved by some friends, he an­swered that he could never bee well, so long as he kept his bed.

357

Coblers may be said to bee good men, because they set men upright, and are ever employed in mending of soles.

358

Two men seeing a handsome Wench, but thought to be light, passe by in a very poore habit; the one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so b [...]re, the o­ther replyed it was no wonder for she was common.

359

A drunken fellow comming home towards Evening, found his Wife hard at her spinning, shee reprooving him for his ill husbandry, and commending her self for her good huswifery, he told her that she had no great [Page] cause to chide, for as shee had been spinning, he came home all the way reeling.

361

An ignorant drunken Surge­on that killed all men that came under his hands, boasted him­selfe a better man then the Par­son; for said he, your Cure main­tains but your self, but my Cures maintaine all the Sextons in the Towne.

362

A merry fellow said the Ale­house was the onely place to thrive in, for he had knowne many a score made there.

363

Musitians may bee said to be the best Philosophers, for they will be sure to keepe time.

364

A woman that was very im­perious over her husband, was nick-named by a neighbour and called Mistresse Cap, for which she angerly demanded his rea­son, and was answered because she was alwayes above her head.

365

Another woman with her rio­tous humours having undone her husband, and he being bro­ken and fled, the same neighbour reproving her, she bade him not meddle with what did no way belong to him, for she had one­ly broken her owne head.

366

A Lady that was painted, told a Gentleman shee desired much [Page] to have her picture done to the life, to which he answered you need not that Madam, for you are a picture to the life already.

367

A Gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his Horse into a deepe water, out of which he got not without some dan­ger: his companion laughed at the mischance, and being repro­ved, answered that no man but would laugh to see a stone swim.

368

A foolish Gentleman defor­med likewise in his person, was called by one a Monster, nay surely said another the Gentle­man he is meerly naturall.

369

A Country fellow asking which way he might go to Bed­lam, a Citizen told him, the nearest way was to bee madde, then, said the Country-fellow you horne-mad Citizens may the better direct us that are Country-men.

370

A common wench stepping into a boate, fell into the water, and reaching her hand to be hel­ped out, one refus'd it, saying, she need not feare drowning, for for shee was so light shee could never sinke.

371

One threatned a fellow to breake his head with a stone, i'le assure you (quoth he) it is a hard [Page] matter to breake my head with a stone.

372

A boy seemed much delight­ed with a Coblers worke, com­mending and admiring his workmanship, the Cobler plea­sed with the boyes admiration asked him if he would be of his trade, to which hee answered no; for though he loved work­manship he could not endure cobling.

373

One hearing a rich Gentleman (but ignorant enough) dis­course somewhat weakly, how much land there was hol­den in capite, asked him if his wit was held in in capite: to which he answered no; the other asked him againe, if hee had not some [Page] fee-simple held in capite: to which he answered yes; and that it did descend to him and his heires forever.

374

A Physitian demanded mo­ney of another for one of his patients that was dead long be­fore, he was answered that it was a worke of charity to visit the sicke; but if he was so ear­nest for mony the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would never want mo­ny more.

375

A rich Stationer wish't him­selfe a Scholler, to whom one answered you are one already, being doctus in libris, nay said the Stationer, I am but dives in libris meaning rich in pounds.

376

One boasted himselfe to bee esteem'd a wit, saying the world spoke him to be all wit: one standing by that knew him very well, said, is it possible that you are taken to be a wit, or one that is all-wit, if you be all-wit, then your anagram is wit-all.

377

A Gentleman hawk'd in ano­thers ground, to which the surly owner shew'd himselfe angry, at which the Gentleman spet in his face, what is your reason for that, said the Farmer: I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, J gave you warning, for I hawk'd before J spet.

378

One running hastily with a [Page] sticke of fire in his hand to light a fagot another called him rogue, which being angry and demanding his reason: he answe­red for that he had a brand in his hand.

379

A patient man being domi­neer'd over by his wife that was flying about his eares, desired her not to teare his band for he would gladly weare it (if she pleased) without cuffs.

380

One was saying that lead was the basest of all other mettals: it is true said another, but yet it is the stoutest, for the Glasier will tell you that it keepes more quarrels asunder then any other mettall in the world.

381

A Joyner on a time tooke a pill, and it so wrought with him that he had forty stooles in a mi­nute of an houre.

382

Carriers said one, are wise men, for they will not meddle with any thing but they will know of what moment and waight it is.

283

One whose name was Gun, called a woman whore; she he­ing moved as it, had him before a Iustice of peace about it, the Justice reprov'd him for it, and deepely charged him not to call her so againe. As they were go­ing home, the woman told him Master Gun, you heard what the [Page] Iustice said, I hope being so deeply charg'd, you will hence­forward give a better report.

384

One said Painters were cun­ning fellowes, for they had a co­lour for every thing they did.

385

One asked why Kitchin-maids went so sluttishly: in re­gard they drest themselves as cleanly as they did their meat.

386

One said to his friend that had beene speaking: I love to heare a man talke nonesence, the other answered, I know you love to heare your selfe talke as well as any man.

387

One asked why beggars stood in the streets, begging with broomes in their hands: it a ws answered, because they did with them sweepe away the durt out of peoples sight, which while they had a mind on, they would never part with a penny.

388

A Gentleman tooke up some Commodities upon trust in a shop, promising the Master of the shop, that hee would owe him so much money: the master of the shop was therewith very well contented, but seeing that the Gentleman delayed the pai­ment, he asked the money: the Gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him, hee had [Page] promised to pay him, hee had promised to owe him so much money, and that he would in no wise breake his promise, which if he paid him he did.

389

One said hee had beene kept still to the schoole, and had been made a Scholler, if he could but have learned to have declined mulier, and for that cause was ta­ken from the schoole.

390

One desired upon his death-bed to have his corpes when hee was dead stucke with Ysop, as is the fashion in divers places: one of his neighbors sitting by, told him Time was better; why said the sicke man: because said the other unlesse you be buried in [Page] time you will stinke, that no creature will be able to go with you to the Grave.

391

One asked another what Shakespeares workes were worth all being bound together: hee answered not a farthing; not worth a farthing, said he, why so? He answered, that his playes were worth a great deale of mo­ney, but he never heard, that his workes were worth any thing at all:

392

One was commending of the point-makers for good distinct readers, and that they read better then any other people whatso­ever: another asked his reason he answered that since the fa­shion of Cassocks came up they [Page] kept their points, and that was the onely way to make a mans reading gracefull.

393

Two Poets being merry in a Taverne, the one was desirous to bee gone, the other entreated him to stay, telling him, that if he did goe away, he would make a Comedie upon him, you shall get nothing by that, reply'd the other, for then I will make a Tragedy on thee, and in the lat­ter end of it, thou shalt hang thy selfe.

394

One meeting his friend ri­ding on the way without boots, asked him about what businesse he rid: the other told him that his businesse was of great im­portance, [Page] and he was likewise in great haste: I am very doubtfull then, said he, that your labour is lost: why, said hee, because quoth the other, you ride of a bootlesse errand.

395

One being at Supper at a friends house, it chanced there was mutton and capers for sup­per: fell into a Discourse of dancing, saying, that he loved it better then any other kind of re­creation, by and by, taking no­tice of the Capers which hee had never seene before, tooke one upon his Trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the halfe of it into his mouth: the master of the house observing it, said, Sir it seemes you love dancing very [Page] well, when you cannot forbeare but you must cut Capers at Supper.

396

A fellow had the pictures of the five senses stolne out of his house, whereupon he came to a Iustice, and desired that the Theeves might be bound to the peace, for what said the Iustice, for stealing your pictures: yes saith he; I thought said the Ju­stice, you had lost your senses, that you talke so idly.

397

One amongst a croud of peo­ple on the top of Pauls Steeple, had his pocket pick't: what vil­laines are these quoth he, to pick a mans pocket in the Church: nay Sir said another, you are but [Page] rob'd upon the High-way.

398

One complained he knew not how to maintaine his barns: be a good husband quoth another, and your barnes will maintaine you.

399

A rude deboist young man was placed by his friends with a Proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the yong man, told his Parents he feared their Sonne would never make a civill Lawyer.

400

In some merry company one bid another mend his lests, for they were all crack't: they ought to be so, said he, for it is no jest till it be broken.

402

One sitting by the fire to take Tobacco, said the fire was his friend, and presently spet in­to it: to which one replyed you doe not well to quench your friends love by spetting in his face.

403

Two Schollers walking along a River, were stiffely arguing a point, and wish'd for a modera­tor, or a booke of some authori­ty: one of them presently e­spying an angler sitting on a Tree, cryed out, wee have our wish! for yonder is Piscator upon ramus-

404

A Gentleman shewing a yong student a part of Scotus, wherein was these words, Dominus Scotus [Page] in sententia, and asked him if it was not Dunce Scotus? No, re­plyed the Scholler that wonnot be; except V be there.

405

One said Gallants had reason to be good Schollers, because they were deep in many books.

406

One seeing a Printed booke, that was but one sheet of paper, said it was not necessary for any man to libell it, for it did pe­nance in a sheet already.

407

One asked which of the let­ters in the Alphabet were the most authentique in a Bill or Bond: it was answered, I O U.

408

One asked why men and their wives did not agree better now adayes: it was answered, men were now more learned, and did know that it was false concord, that the masculine and feminine gender should agree at all.

409

Two being in a Taverne, the one swore the other should pledge him: why then, quoth the other, I will, who went pre­sently downe the staires, and left him as a pledge for the rec­koning.

410

One asked wherefore a d [...]um was in the wars: it was answe­red to stirre up v [...]lour in the Souldiers, that is strange, said [Page] the other, for wheresoever the victory falls the Drums are sure to be beaten.

411

One asked why B stood be­fore C: because said another, a man must B before he can C.

412

One asked how long the lon­gest letter in the English Alpha­bet was: it was answered an L long.

413

One asked why some Gentle­women wore Feathers in their Hats: it w [...]s answered because they were light-headed.

414

One looking upon a foolish booke, asked why Finis was not [Page] at the end of it? another that stood by, answered, because there was no end of idle bookes.

415

A Country fellow looking into a Scriveners shop, and see­ing nothing in the shop but a deske and a boy sitting at it: asked what they sold? The boy answered Logger-heads; the fellow replyed, it seemes you have good custome for them, for you have but one left in the shop.

416

A drunken fellow comming by a shop, asked a Prentice-boy what their signe was, hee answe­red, it was a signe he was drunk.

417

One asked how it was possi­ble a woman could have a face like a swine? it was answered, that her father was a great eater of brawne, and her mother of swines cheek; and that she was begot a little before dinner, when they had both a mind of of their victuals.

418

One meeting a mad fellow pittifully drunke, asked him whither he was going? to th' tavern, said he: no, reply'd the other, drunkennes is the way to hell, and thither you are now going: ô said the drunkard, I ne're feare that, for I'm so drunke, that my legs [Page] are not able to carry me so far.

419

A Gentlewoman taxing one of her serving-men for telling her a lye, was thus answered; ô mistresse, doe you think I am such a sawcy knave as to of­fer to lye with you! heavens forbid.

420

One said a mad cholerick man was no wiser then a horse; being asked why? answered, because he could not bridle himselfe.

421

One asking which was the way to the devill? meaning the Devill-tavern; was answered, [Page] you must leave the Temple.

422

One having taken phisick for being extraordinarily bound, told his Physitian he had done him but little good; where­upon his Physitian answered, that the constitution of mens bodies was much alike to their purses; for if the purse was bound, the body would ne're be loose.

423

One told a fat man that was thought to be an extream wen­cher, that he was given to the flesh: ô no, said the fat man, the flesh is given to me.

424

One being asked by a Tailer what place in London was the best for a Tailer to set up in? answered, in Bread-street.

425

One said he wondred at no­thing more then that the moon was not lousie, because she changed but once in a month.

426

One being asked whether a meere proper man was good or no? answered, yes: being asked for what? answered, nothing.

427

One speaking of Copernicus [Page] his opinion concerning the motion of the Earth and Sea, and the standing still of the heavens; awitty fellow over­hearing it, said, sure Copernicus was in some ship under sayle, and neere the shore, when he writ that opinion.

428

One speaking of himselfe in jest, that he was perswaded he did not waigh above a pound; why then, said another, you are an As, which is the latin for a pound waight.

429

An old rich carrier, now dead, was us'd, when he came into an Inne, to be kindly sa­luted by the Chamberlens with [Page] the word (welcome) whereto he did alwaies use to answer, God a mercy, my good friend; and in the meane while clap his hand upon his mony pouch.

430

One asked from whence these strange fashions of cloaks without capes came? another answered, that the fashion was very far fetcht, for it was fetcht from the Cape.

431

A cuckold being in compa­ny with a poet was desiring him to make a paper of verses on him: whereupon the poet told him, yes; and they should be good ones, for he never looked on him but he thought [Page] he saw the forked Hill.

432

A Courtier riding in his foot­cloth, being requested by a poore man to extend his chari­ty, asked him what trade he was? who answered, a beggar: a beggar, said he! how long hath that been a trade? he re­ply'd, ever since such as you had good clothes, and rid up and downe with a foot­cloth.

433

One said, a butchers boy was like a woman-slave in Turkey, which carried flesh to get his master a living.

434

An old man that had us'd [Page] spectacles a long time, was tel­ling his friend, that notwith­standing his spectacles, he was not able to read above an houre; his friend answered, that the reason of it was, his spectacles were made of an houre-glasse.

435

A Player that was to act Pan the shepheards god, as he was entring, was observed by rea­son of the coldnes of the wea­ther to have a dropping nose: who, when he was told of it, answered, it was well that you told me, for otherwise I had acted a dripping-pan.

436

One complementing with a [Page] Gentlewoman, telling her that if she pleased he would not on­ly be her servant, but to doe her a courtesie, could be con­tent to part with a peece of his flesh: who answer'd, she thank'd him very kindly, but she never lov'd veale in her life.

437

One asked what he was that was a Pander to his owne wife? it was answered, a pickforke.

438

A Herald comming into a gen­tlemans roome, and observing upon the walls a coat of Armes of the Gentlemans which the Gentleman could not justifie, took a candle and set it on fire; a servant comming in, asked [Page] him what he did meane? who answered, no hurt; he was but blazing his masters coat.

439

A man and his wife being taken on suspition of fellony, and bound over; the woman appear'd, but not the man: the Judge asking the cause? the woman answered, that her hus­band was so sick he could not come without danger of his life: whereupon the Judge re­ply'd, I do beleeve it, for if he doe appeare, there's no que­stion but he will be hang'd.

440

Two Gentlemen being toge­ther in a friends house neere Temple-bar, sent to the devill­tavern [Page] for a pottle of claret which was brought according­ly; one of them desir'd it might be burnt; ô by no means, said the other, it must needs be hot enough, for it came from the devill.

441

One being in the Lent time at a friends house, the woman of the house not having where­with to entertaine him, sent her maid to desire the next neighbor to lend her a pound of bacon; which the Gentle­man overhearing, when the bacon came to be set before him, said he would eat none: being demanded why? answe­red, because it was lent.

442

A Lawyer pleading before a Judge, and not speaking to the purpose, the Judge inter­rupting him, bid him hold his peace; the Lawyer desir'd the Judge to hear him out; where­upon the Judge reply'd, he had heard him out all that while.

443

A fellow brought before a Judge for stealing a watch, the Judge perceiving that he was a little too severely prosecuted against, resolv'd within himself to save him; and to that pur­pose put the Jury to value the materialls whereof the watch was made; which was valued at sixpence: the party wronged [Page] said, the fashion (my Lord) stands me in five pounds; ô said the Judge, it matters not, we must not hang men for fashion sake.

444

One that was every spring extreamly bound in his body, insomuch that if he did not helpe it with physick he should surely dye; was us'd to say, that he was bound on paine of death to take physick once a yeere.

445

A servitor in the University carrying a neats toung to the Rectors table in the Colledge, let it fall by the way; for which being checkt, he made answer, [Page] lapsus linguae non est error men­tis.

446

A Gentleman in the Uni­versity having his Commons brought cold to him, bid his servitor goe and heate them; who went presently behind the screen and eat them: the Gen­tleman long expecting the cō ­mons, at lenght called the ser­vitor, and asked him where his Commons were? he answer'd, I have done as you bid me: no, said the Gentleman, I did not bid you eat them, I bid you heat them: 'tis true Sir, said the servitor, but you know, h non est litera.

447

Some fisher-men being got out to fish, and seeing they were not able to get any thing, fell to louzing themselves; at length returning, and being asked what they had caught? answer'd, what they had caught they had left behind them, and what they could not catch they had brought with them.

448

A painter whose name was Horses comming into another painters shop where the picture of Phaeton was, riding in his chariot, slighted the peece ex­treamly; the other standing upon his workmanship, said, he would maintain it was done [Page] to the life: rather you have drawn him to the death, re­ply'd he; ô by no meanes, said he, Horses drew him to the death.

449

A witty Gentleman wearing an extraordinary short cloake, observing himselfe to be jeer'd at for it, answer'd, it should be long enough before he had an­other.

450

A fellow fearing a tryall would passe against him, said to the Judge, good my Lord let me have but your opinion, I will wait upon your Lordship for your judgment some other time.

451

A Country woman making puddings had set them on the fire to seeth, and bad a child looke to them, and when he did see them begin to dance, bad the boy call her: she won­dring a great while that the boy did not call her, asked him whe­ther they did not yet dance? no, quoth the boy, but they will doe presently: how knowst thou that? yes quoth the child, for they have put off their coats already.

452

A Cambridge Scholler being asked why the Towns-mens children were so witty when they were young, and blockish [Page] when they were old? answer'd that Schollers got them, and Towns-men bred them.

453

One asked whence the word Interpreter was derived? it was answered, quasi Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt two that spake severall languages.

454

One asked why Chamber­maids were more troubled with the green sicknes then other women? it was answered, be­cause they used to lye at their masters beds-feet.

455

One asked what beast in the world might be said to [Page] have the best understanding? it was answered, a Cuckold.

456

A maid told her Mistresse she must entreat her to keepe more maids, because she was much overlaid.

457

One whose husbands name was Beane, being delivered of two children at a burden, told the midwife she had been so troubled with wind all the time she was with child, that she wondred at it: the midwife said it was no marvell, in regard her belly so long had been full of beanes

458

One speaking of a drunken fellow, said that he knew him drunke for a weeke together; that's nothing, said his friend, for I have heard of people that were drunke ten yeeres toge­ther: who were those, said he? the Grecians and the Trojans quoth the other, for if they had not, they would ne're have been so mad as to have fought so long about a whore.

459

Printers (sayes one) are the most lawlesse men in a King­dome, for they commit faults cum privilegio.