THe first thing that presented it selfe to the sight, was a rich Ornament, that enclosed the Scaene; in the upper part of which, were great branches of Foliage growing out of leaves and huskes, with a Coronice at the top; and in the midst was pla­ced a large compartiment composed of Groteske worke, wherein were Harpies with wings and Lions clawes, and their hinder parts converted into leaves and branches: over all was a broken Frontispice, wrought with scrowles and masque heads of Children; and within this a Table adorn'd with a lesser Compartiment, with this Inscrip­tion, COELVM BRITANNICVM. The two sides of this Ornament were thus ordered: First, from the ground arose a square Basement, and on the Plinth stood a great vaze of gold, richly enchased, and beauti­fied with Sculptures of great Releine, with frutages hanging from the upper part: At the foot of this sate two youths naked, in their naturall colours; each of these with one arme supported the Vaze; on the cover of which stood two young women in Draperies, arme in arme; the one figuring the glory of Princes, and the o­ther Mansuetude: their other armes bore up an Ovall, in which, to the Kings Majesty was this Imprese, A Lion with an Imperiall Crowne on his head; the word, Animum sub pectore forti: On the other side was the like Composition, but the designe of the Figures varied; and in the Ovall on the top, being borne up by Nobility and Fecundity, was this Imprese to the Queenes Maje­sty [Page 2]A Lilly growing with branches and leaves, and three lesser Lillies springing out of the Stemme; the word, Semper inclit a Virtus: All this Ornament was heightned with Gold, and for the Invention and various composi­tion was the newest and most gracious that hath beene done in this place.

The Curtaine was watchet and a pale yellow in paines, which flying up on the sudden, discovered the Scaene, re­presenting old Arches, old Palaces, decayed walls, parts of Temples, Theaters, Basilita's and Therme, with confu­sed heaps of broken Columnes, Bases, Coronices and Sta­tues, lying as underground, and altogether resembling the ruines of some great City of the ancient Romans, or civi­liz'd Brittaines. This strange prospect detain'd the eyes of the Spectators some time, when to a loud Musicke Mer­cury descends; on the upper part of his Chariot stands a Cocke in action of crowing: his habit was a Coat of flame colour girt to him, and a white mantle trimm'd with gold and silver; upon his head a wreath with small falls of white Feathers, a Caduseus in his hand, and wings at his heeles: being come to the ground he dismounts and goes up to the State,

BY your leave, Mortals. Goodden Cozen Hermes; your pardon good my Lord Ambassadour: I found the ta­bles of your Armes and Titles, in every Inne betwixt this and Olympus, where your present expedition is registred, your nine thousandth nine hundred ninety ninth Legation. I cannot reach the policy why your Master breeds so few Statesmen, it suits not with his dignity that in the whole Empyraeum there should not be a god fit to send on these honourable errands but your selfe, who are not yet so care­full of his honour as your owne, as might become your quality, when you are itinerant: the Hosts upon the high­way cry out with open month upon you for supporting pil­fery in your traine; which, though as you are the god of petty Larcinry, you might protect, yet you know it is di­rectly against the new orders, and opposes the Reformati­on in Diameter.

Let it if it can; in the meane time I will acquaint it with my condition. Know (gay people) that though your Poets who enjoy by Patent a particular privilege to draw [...]ne any of the Deities from Twelfnight till Shrove­tuesday, [Page 5]at what time there is annually a most familiar en­ter course betweene the two Courts, have as yet never in­vited me to these Solemnities, yet it shall appeare by my intrusion this night, that I am a very considerable Person upon these occasions, and may most properly assist at such entertainments. My name is Momus-ap-Somnus-ap-Ere­bus-ap-Chaos-up-Demogorgon-ap-Eternity. My Offices and Titles are, The Supreme Theomastix, Hupercrittique of manners, Protonotarie of abuses, Arch-Informer, Di­lator Generall, Vniversall Calumniator, Eternall Plaintiffe, and perpetuall Foreman of the Grand Inquest. My privi­leges are an ubiquitary, circumambulatory, speculatory, in­terrogatory, redargutory immunity over all the privy lodgings, behind hangings, dores, curtaines, through key­holes, chinkes, windowes, about all Veneriall Lobbies, Skonces or Redoubts, though it bee to the surprize of a perdu Page or Chambermaid, in, and at all Courts of civill and criminall judicature, all Counsels, Consultations, and Parlamentary Assemblies, where though I am but a Wooll­sacke god, and have no vote in the sanction of new lawes, I have yet a Praerogative of wresting the old to any what­soever interpretation, whether it be to the behoofe, or pre­judice, of Iupiter his Crowne and Dignity, for, or against the Rights of either house of Patrician or Plebeian gods. My naturall qualities are to make Iove frowne, Iuno powt, Mars chafe, Venus blush, Vulcan glow, Saturne quake, Cynthia pale, Phaebus hide his face, and Mercury here take his heeles. My recreations are witty mischiefes, as when Saturne guelt his father; the Smith caught his wife and her Bravo in a net of Cobweb-Iron; and Hebe through the lubricity of the pavement tumbling over the Halfpace, pre­sented the Embleme of the forked tree, and discover'd to the tann'd Ethiops the snowie cliffs of Culabria with the Grotta of Puteolum. But that you may arrive at the per­fect knowledge of me by the familiar illustration of a Bird of mine owne feather, old Peter Aretine, who reduc'd all the Scepters and Myters of that Age tributary to his wit, [Page 6]was my Parallell; and Frank Rublais suck'd much of my milke too; but your moderne French Hospitall of O­ratory, is meere counterfeit, an arrant Mountebanke, for though fearing no other tortures than his Sciatica, he dis­course of Kings and Queenes with as little reverence as of Groomes and Chambermaids, yet hee wants their fang­teeth, and Scorpions taile; I meane that fellow, who to adde to his stature thinkes it a greater grace to dance on his tiptoes like a Dogge in a doublet, than to walke like other men on the soles of his feet.

Sir, by your favour, though you have a more espe­ciall Commission of employment from Iupiter, and a lar­ger entertainment from his Exchequer, yet as a freeborne god I have the liberty to travell at mine owne charges, without your passe or countenance Legacine; and that it may appeare a sedulous acute observer, may know as much as a dull flegmatique Ambassadour, and weares a treble key to unlocke the misterious Cyphers of your darke secrecies, I will discourse the politique state of heaven to this trimme Audience.—

— You shall understand, that Iupiter upon the inspe­ction of I know not what vertuous Presidents extant (as they say) here in this Court, but as I more probably ghesle out of the consideration of the decay of his natural abilities, [Page 7]hath before a frequent cōvocation of the Superlunary Peers in a solemne Oration recanted, disclaimed, and utterly re­nounced all the lascivious extravagancies, and riotous en­ormities of his forepast licentious life, and taken his oath on Junos Breviary, religiously kissing the two-leav'd booke, never to stretch his limbs more betwixt adulterous sheets, and hath with patheticall remonstrances exhorted, and under strict penalties enjoyned a respective conformity in the severall subordinate Deities; and because the Liber­tines of Antiquity, the Ribald Poets, to perpetuate the memory and example of their triumphs over chastity, to all future imitation, have in their immortall songs celebra­ted the martyrdome of those Strumpets under the perse­cution of the wives, and devolved to Posterity the Pedi­grees of their whores bawds, and bastards; it is therefore by the authority aforesaid enacted, that this whole Army of Constellations be immediately disbanded and casheerd, so to remove all imputation of impiety from the Coelesti­all Spirits, and all lustfull influences upon terrestriall bo­dies; and consequently that there be an Inquisition erected to exspunge in the Ancient, and suppresse in the moderne and succeeding Poems and Pamphlets, all past, present, and future mention of those abjur'd heresies, and to take par­ticular notice of all ensuing incontinences, and punish them in their high Commission Court. Am not I in electi­on to be a tall Statesman thinke you, that can repeat a pas­sage at a Counsell-table thus punctually?

Heaven! Heaven is no more the place it was; a cloyster of Carthusians, a Monastery of converted gods, Iove is growne old and fearefull, apprehends a subversion of his Empire, and doubts lest Fate should introduce a le­gall succession in the legitimate heire, by repossessing the Titanian line, and hence springs all this innovation. Wee have had new orders read in the Presence Chamber, by [Page 8]the Vi-President of Pernassies, too strict to bee observed long. Monopolies are called in, sophistication of wares punished, and rates imposed on Commodities. Injunctions are gone out to the Nectar Brewers, for the purging of the heavenly Beverage of a narcotique weed which hath rendred the Idaeacs confus'd in the Divine intellects, and reducing it to the composition used in Saturnes Reigne. Edicts are made for the restoring of decayed housekeeping, prohibiting the repayrs of Families to the Metropolis, but this did endanger an Amazonian mutiny, till the females put on a more masculine resolution of solliciting businesses in their owne persons, and leaving their husbands at home for stallions of hospitality. Baccus hath commanded all Tavernes to be shut, and no liquor drawne after tenne at night. Cupid must goe no more so scandalously naked, but is enjoyned to make him breeches though of his mothers petticotes. Ganimede is forbidden the Bedchamber, and must onely minister in publique. The gods must keepe no Pages, nor Groomes of their Chamber under the age of 25. and those provided of a competent stocke of beard. Pan may not pipe, nor Proteus juggle, but by especiall permission. Ʋulcan was brought to an Oretenus and fined, for driving in a plate of Iron into one of the Sunnes Chariot-wheeles and frost-nailing his horses upon the fifth of November last, for breach of a penall Statute prohibiting worke upon Ho­lydayes, that being the annuall celebration of the Gygan­tomachy. In briefe, the whole state of the Hierarchy suf­fers a totall reformation, especially in the poynt of reci­procation of conjugall affection. Venus hath confest all her adulteries, and is receiv'd to grace by her husband, who conscious of the great disparity betwixt her perfections and his deformities, allowes those levities as an equall counterpoize; but it is the prettiest spectacle to see her stroaking with her Ivory hand his collied cheekes, and with her sinowy fingers combing his sooty beard. Iupiter too beginnes to learne to lead his owne wife, I left him practising in the milky way; and there is no doubt of an u­niversall [Page 9]obedience, where the Lawgiver himselfe in his owne person observes his decrees so punctually; who be­sides to eternize the memory of that great example of Ma­trimoniall union which he derives from hence, hath on his bed chamber dore, and seeling, fretted with starres in capitall letters, engraven the Inscription of CARLO­MARIA. This is as much I am sure as either your knowledge or Instructions can direct you to, which I having in a blunt round tale, without State-formality, po­litique inferences, or suspected Rhetoricall elegancies, al­ready delivered, you may now dexteriously proceed to the second part of your charge, which is the raking of yon heavenly sparks up in the Embers, or reducing the Aethe­riall lights to their primitive opacity, and grosse darke sub­sistance; they are all unrivited from the Spheare, and hang loose in their sockets, where they but attend the waving of your Caduce, and immediately they reinvest their pri­stine shapes, and appeare before you in their owne natu­rall deformities.

Are not these fine companions, trim playfellowes for the Deities? yet these and their fellowes have made up all our conversation for some thousands of yeeres. Doe not you faire Ladies acknowledge your selves deeply en­gaged now to those Poets your servants, that in the height of commendation have rais'd your beauties to a parallell with such exact prpportions, or at least rank'd you in their spruce society. Hath not the consideration of these Inha­bitants rather frighted your thoughts utterly from the con­templation of the place? but now that those heavenly Mansions are to be voyd, you that shall hereafter be found unlodged will become inexcusable; especially since Ver­tue alone shall be sufficient title, fine, and rent: yet if there be a Lady not competently stock'd that way, she shall not on the instant utterly despaire, if shee carry a sufficient pawne of handsomenesse; for however the letter of the Law runnes, Jupiter notwithstanding his Age and present austerity, will never refuse to stampe beauty, and make it currant with his owne Impression; but to such as are desti­tute of both, I can afford but small encouragement. Pro­ceed Cozen Mercury, what followes?

This Crab, I confesse, did ill become the heavens; but there is another that more infests the Earth, and makes such a solstice in the politer Arts and Sciences, as they have not beene observed for many Ages to have made any sen­sible advance: could you but lead the learned squadrous with a masculine resolution past this point of retrogradati­on, it were a benefit to mankinde worthy the power of a god, and to be payed with Altars; but that not being the worke of this night, you may pursue your purposes: what now succeeds?

From henceforth it shall be no more said in the Proverbe, when you would expresse a riotous Assembly, That hell, but heaven is broke loose: this was an arrant Goale-delivery, all the prisons of your great Cities could not have vomitted more corrupt marter: but Cozen Cyl­leneus, in my judgement it is not safe that these infectious persons should wander here to the hazard of this Island, they threatned lesse danger when they were nayl'd to the Firmament: I should conceive it a very discreet course since they are provided of a tall vessell of their owne ready rigg'd, to embarque them all together in that good Ship call [...]d the Argo, and send them to the plantation in New-England, which hath purg'd more virulent humors from the politique body, then Guacum and all the West-Indian druggs have from the naturall bodies of this king­dome: Can you devise how to dispose them better?

Here is a totall Ecclipse of the eighth Spheare, which neither Booker, Allestre, nor any of your Progno­sticators, no nor their great Master Tico were aware of; bur yet in my opinion there were some innocent, and some generous Constellations, that might have beene reserved for Noble uses: as the Skales and Sword to adorne the [Page 13]statue of Iustice, since she resides here on Earth onely in Picture and Effigie. The Eagle had beene a fit present for the Germans, in regard their Bird hath mew'd most of her feathers lately. The Dolphin too had beene most wel­come to the French, and then had you but clapt Perseus on his Pegasus, brandishing his Sword, the Dragon yaw­ning on his backe under the horses feet, with Pytheus dart through his throat, there had beene a Divine St. George for this Nation: but since you have improvidently shuffled them altogether, it now rests onely that wee provide an immediate succession, and to that purpose I will instantly proclaime a free Election,

Whereas we having observed a very commendable pra­ctice taken into frequent use by the Princes of these latter Ages, of perpetuating the memory of their famous enter­prizes, sieges, battels, victories, in Picture, Sculpture, Ta­pistry, Embroyderies, and other manifactures, wherewith they have embellished their publique Palaces, and taken into Our more distinct and serious consideration, the parti­cular Christmas hangings of the Guard-Chamber of this Court, wherein the Navall Victory of 88. is to the eternall glory of this Nation exactly delineated: and whereas We likewise out of a propheticall imitation of this so laudable custome, did for many thousand yeares before, adorne and beautifie the eighth roome of Our caelestiall Mansion, com­monly called the Starre-Chamber, with the military ad­ventures, stratagems, archievements, feats and defeats, performed in Our Owne person, whilest yet Our Stan­dard was erected, and We a Combattant in the Amorous Warfare. It hath notwithstanding, after mature delibera­tion, and long debate, held first in our owne inscrutable bosome, and afterwards communicated with Our Privy [Page 14]Counsell, seemed meet to Our Omnipotency, for causes to Our selfe best knowne, to unfurnish and dis-array Our foresaid Starre-Chamber of all those Antient Constellati­ons which have for so many Ages beene sufficiently noto­rious, and to admit into their vacant places, such Persons onely as shall be qualified with exemplar Vertue and emi­nent Desert, there to shine in indelible Characters of glo­ry to all Posterity. It is therefore Our divine will and plea­sure, voluntarily, and out of Our owne free and proper motion, meere grace and speciall favour, by these presents to specifie and declare to all Our loving People, that it shall be lawfull for any Person whatsoever, that conceiveth him or her selfe to be really endued with any Heroicall Vertue or transcendent Merit, worthy so high a calling and digni­ty, to bring their severall pleas and pretences before Our Right trusty and Welbeloved Cozen, and Counsellor, Don Mercury, and god Momus, &c. Our peculiar Delegates for that affaire, upon whom We have transferr'd an absolute power to conclude, and determine without Appeale or Revelation, accordingly as to their wisdomes it shall in such cases appeare behoovefull and expedient. Given at Our Palace in Olympus the first day of the first month, in the first yeare of the Reformation.

Who's this appeares?

This is subterraucan Fiend, Plutus, in this Dia­lect term'd Riches, or the god of gold; a Poyson, hid by Providence in the bottome of Seas, and Navill of the Earth, from mans discovery, where if the seeds begunne to sprout above-ground, the excrescence was carefully guarded by Dragons, yet at last by humane curiosity brought [Page 15]to light, to their owne destruction; this being the true Pandora's box, whence issued all those mischiefes that now fill the Vniverse.

Nay stay, and take my benediction along with you. I could, being here a Co-Iudge, like others in my place, now that you are condemn'd, either raile at you, or breake jests upon you, but I rather chuse to loose a word of good counsell, and entreat you to bee more carefull in your choyce of company, for you are alwayes found either with Misers, that not use you at all; or with fooles, that know not how to use you wel: be not hereafter so reserv'd and coy to men of worth and parts, and so you shall gaine such credit, as at the next Sessions you may be heard with better successe. But till you are thus reform'd, I pronounce this positive sentence, That wheresoever you shall chuse to abide, your society shall adde no credit or reputation to the party, nor your discontinuance, or totall absence, be matter of disparagement to any man; and whosoever shall hold a contrary estimation of you, shall be condemn'd to weare perpetuall Motley, unlesse hee recant his opinion. Now you may voyd the Court.

What Creature's this?

The Antipodes to the other, they move like two Buckets, or as two nayles drive out one another; if Riches depart, Poverty will enter.

I cannot but wonder that your perpetuall con­versation with Poets and Philosophers hath furnished you with no more Logicke, or that you should thinke to im­pose upon us so grosse an inference, as because Plutus and you are contrary, therefore whatsoever is denyed of the one, must be true of the other; as if it should follow of ne­cessity, because he is not Iupiter, you are. No, I give you to know, I am better vers'd in cavils with the gods, then to swallow such a fallacie, for though you two cannot bee together in one place, yet there are many places that may be without you both, and such is heaven, where neither of you are likely to arrive: therefore let me advise you to marry your selfe to Content, and beget sage Apothegms, and goodly morall Sentences in dispraise of Riches, and contempt of the world.

Tiche, enters, hor head bald behind, and one great locke before, wings at her shoulders, and in her hand a wheele, her apper parts naked, and the skirt of her gar­ment wrought all over with Crownes, Scepters, Boakes, and such other things as expresse both her greatest and smallest gifts.

See where Dame Fortune comes, you may know her by her wheele, and that vaile over eyes, with which she hopes like a seel'd Pigeon to mount above the Clouds, and pearch in the eighth Spheare: listen, she begins.

Madam, I should censure you, pro falso clamor [...], for preferring a skandalous cros-bill of recrimination a­gainst the gods, but your blindnesse shall excuse you. Alas! what would it advantage you, if vertue were as universall as vice is? it would onely follow, that as the world now exclaimes upon you for exalting the vicious, it would then raile as fast at you for depressing the vertuous; so they would still keep their tune, though you chang'd their ditty.

Hedone, Pleasure, a young woman with a smiling face, in a light lascivious habit, adorn'd with silver and gold, her Temples crown'd with a garland of Roses, and over that a Rainbow eireling her head downe to her shoulders.

What wanton's this?

This is the sprightly Lady Hedone, a merry game­ster, this people call her Pleasure.

I concurre, and am growne so weary of these te­dious pleadings, as I'le packe up too and be gone: Besides, I see a crowd of other suitors pressing hither, I'le stop' em, take their petitions and preferre 'em above; and as I came in bluntly without knocking, and no body bid mee welcome; so I'le depart as abruptly without taking leave, and bid no bodie fare well.