‘I Promis'd you an Account of what befel me, and am now resolv'd to be as good as my Word, being so met to our Desires; not only to improve our Learning but to be Merry, and put Life in our Discourse with pleasanter Tales.’

‘Fabricius Vejeuto has already, and that wittily handled the Juggle of Religion, [Page 2] and withal discover'd with what impudence and ignorance Priests pretend to be inspir'd:’ But are not our wrangling Pleaders possest with the same Frenzy? who cant it; These Wounds I receiv'd in defence of your Liberty; this Eye was lost in your Service; lend me a Hand to hand me to my Children, for my faltering Hams are not able to support me.

Yet even this might pass for tolera­ble, did it put young beginners in the least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate swel­ling of Matter, and the empty ratling of Words, they only gain this, That when they come to appear in Publick, they think themselves in another World. And therefore I look upon the young fry of Collegiates as likely to make the most hopeful Blockheads, because they neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among Men: But a company of Pirates with their Chains on the shoar; Tyrants issuing Proclamations to make Children kill their Fathers; the answers of Oracles in a Plague-time, that three or more Virgins be sacrific'd to appease the Gods; dainty fine Honey-Pellets of Words, and every thing so said and [Page 3] done, as if it were all Spice and Gar­nish.

Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live in a Kitchin not stink of the Grease: Give me, with your favour, leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for with light idle gingles of Words to make sport ye have brought it to this, That the substance of Orato­ry is become effeminate and sunk.

Young Men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and Euripides influenc'd the Age. Nor yet had any blind Alley-Professor foil'd their Inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyricks durst not attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my Authority from Poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their Practice: A S [...]il [...] one would va­lue, and as I may call it, a chast Oration, is not splatchy nor swoll'n, but rises with a natural Beauty.

This windy and irregular way of [...]abling came lat [...]ly out of Asia into A­thens; and having, like some ill Planet, blasted the aspiring Genius of their Youth, at once corrupted and put a pe­riod to all tr [...]e Eloquence.

[Page 4] After this, Who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reach'd the Fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a Verse of a right strain: But all, as of the same batch, di'd with their Author. Painting also made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egypti­ans ventur'd to bring so great an Art into a narrower compass.

At this and the like rate my self once declaim'd, when one Agamemnon made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the Mob with such diligence ob­serv'd, he would not suffer me to de­claim longer in the Portico, than he had sweated in the School; But, young Man, said he, because your Discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which is not often seen, that you are a lover of Understanding, I won't deceive you: The Masters of these Schools are not to blame, who think it necessary to be mad with mad Men: For unless they teach what their Scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep School to themselves: like flat­tering smell-Feasts, who when they come to great Mens Tables study nothing more than what they think may be most agree­able to the Company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what they would, [Page 5] unless they first spread a Net for their Ears) so a Master of Eloquence, unless, fisherman like, he bait his Hook with what he knows the Fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the Rock without hopes of catching any thing.

Where lies the Fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended, who will not have their Children come on by any strict Method; but in this, as in all things, are so fond of making a Noise in the World; and in such haste to compass their Wishes, that they hurry them in publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put Children e'er they are well past their Sucking-Bottle, upon the good grace of speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater: Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by de­grees, that their Studies might be temper'd with grave Lectures; their Affections fa­shion'd by the Dictates of Wisdom; that they might work themselves into a Mastery of Words; and for a long time hear, what they're inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd Children, wou'd be admir'd by them. But now Boys trifle in the Schools, young Men are laugh'd at in publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly takes up in his Youth, no one will [Page 6] confess in his Age. But that I may not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will give you my Thoughts in Verse.

While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how As­cyltos had given me the slip, and as I con­tinu'd my diligence, a great crowd of Scholars fill'd the Portico, to hear, (as it appear'd afterwards) an extemporary Declamation, of I know not whom, that was discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd his Advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an o [...]portunity of getting from them, and ran in qu [...]st of Ascyltos: But the hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our Inn lay, so di­stracted me, that wha [...] way soever I went, I return'd by [...] [...]e, till tir'd in the pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old Herb-Woman: An [...], I be [...]ech [...]e Mother, quoth I, do you know where­abouts I dw [...]ll? Pleas'd with the sim­plicity of such a home-bred J [...]st, W [...] should I not? answer'd she; and [...] on her Feet went on b [...]ore me: I [Page 8] thought her no less than a Witch: But, having led me into a bye Lane, she threw off her Pyebal'd Patch't-Mantle, and here, quoth she, you can't want a Lodg­ing.

While I was denying I knew the House, I observ'd a company of Beaux reading the Bills o'er the Cells, on which was inscrib'd the Name of the Whore and her Price; and others of the same Function naked, scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen: When too late I found my self in a Bawdy-House, cursing the Jade that had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my Head and was just making off through the midst of them, when in the very Entry Ascyltos met me, but as tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same old Woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having saluted each other, I ask'd him what business he had in so scandalous, a place? he wip'd his Face, And if you knew, said he, what has happen'd to me—As what? quoth I.

He faintly reply'd; When I had rov'd the whole City without finding where I had left the Inn, the Master of this House came up to me, and kindly profer'd to be my [Page 9] Guide; so through many a cross Lane and blind turning, having brought me to this House, he drew his Weapon and prest for a closer ingagement. In this Afflicti­on the Whore of the Cell also demanded Garnish-Money; and he laid such Hands on me, that had I not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it.

‘While Ascyltos was telling his Tale, in come the same Fellow, with a Wo­man, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos, entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be Passive he might be Active: The Woman on the other hand press'd me to go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those Bills, we saw many of both Sexes at work in the Cells *, so much every of them seem'd to have ta­ken a Provocative *.’

‘Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the like Impudence, and in a trice one of them, his Coat tuck'd under his Gir­dle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and having thrown him athwart a Couch, would have been bobbing at him: I presently ran to help the undermost, * and put­ting our strengths together, we made [Page 10] nothing of the troublesom Fool *. As­cyltos went off, and flying, left me ex­pos'd to the Fury; but, thanks to my strength, I got off without hurt.’

I had almost traverst the City round, * when through the dusk I saw Gito on the Beggars-Bench of our Inn *; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd him, what Ascyltos had got us for Dinner? the Boy sitting down on the Bed, began to wipe the Tears that stood in his Eyes; I was much concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing Threats with my Int [...]aties; 'Twas that Brother or Comrogue of yours, said he, that coming ere while into our Lodging, wou' [...] have been at me, and put hard for it: When I cry'd out, he drew his Sword, and if thou art a Lucr [...], said he, thou hast met a Tarquin.

I heard him, and sh [...]king my Fist at Ascyltos, what saist thou, said I, thou Catamite, whose very Breath is tain­ted?

He dissembled at first a great trem­bling, but presently throwing my Arms aside, in a higher Voice cry'd out, Must you be prating, thou ribauldrous Cut­throat *, whom, condemn'd for murdring [Page 11] thine Host *, nothing but the fall of the Stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou Night-Pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any Woman but a Baw'd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the Aviary, that the Boy here, now is?

And who but you, interrupted I, gave me that slip in the Portico? Why what, my Man of Gotham, continu'd he, must I have done, when I was dying for hunger? Hear Sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of broken Glasses, and the expounding of Dreams? So help me Hercules, as thou art the greater Rogue of the two, who to get a meals Meat wert not asham'd to com­mend an insipid Rhimer. When at last, having turn'd the humour from Scold­ing to Laughing, we began to talk so­berly.

But the late Injury still sticking in my Stomach, Ascyltos, said I, I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the common Stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a Scholar, and I'll be no him­drance to thee, but think of some other way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become Town­talk.

[Page 12] Ascyltos was not against it; And since we have promis'd, said he, as Scholars, to sup together, let's husband the Night too; and to morrow I'll get me a new Lodging, and some Comerade or other.

Tis irksome, said I, to defer what we like, (the itch of the Flesh occasi­on'd this ha [...]ty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to shake off so trou­blesome an observer of my Actions, that I might renew my old Intrigue with my Gito.)

Ascyltos taking it as an Affront, with­out answering, went off in a heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle Nature, and the violence of his Love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach, and therefore made after him, both to observe his Designs and prevent them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no purpose.

When I had search'd the whole Town, I return'd to my Lodging, where, the Ce­remony of Kis [...]es ended, I got my Boy to a closer hug, and, enjoying my wishes, thought my self happy even to Envy: Nor had I done when Ascyltos stole to the Door, and springing the Bolt, found us at leap-Frog; upon which, clapping his Hands, he fell a laughing, and turning [Page 13] me out of the Saddle; What, said he, most reverend Gentleman, what were you doing, my Brother Sterling? Nor content with Words only, but untying the Thong that bound his Wallet, he gave me a warning, and with other re­proaches, As you like this, so be for parting again.

‘The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but po­litickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at Loggar­heads with my Rival: Whereas swee­tening him with a counterfeit Mirth, I brought him also to laugh for com­pany: And you, E [...]colpius, began he, are so wrapt in Pleasures, you little con­sider how short our Money grows, and what we have left will turn to no ac­count: There's nothing to be got in Town this Summer-time, [...]e shall have better l [...]ck in the Country; let's visit our Friends.’

‘Necessity made me approve his Ad­vice, as well as conceal the smart of his Lash; so loading Gito with our Bag­gage, we left the City, and went to the House of one Ly [...]urgus, a Roman Knight; who, because Ascyltos had formerly been his Pathick, entertain'd us handsomly [...] [Page 14] and the Company, we met there, made our Diversions the plea­santer: For, first there was Tryphaena, a very beautiful Woman, that had come with one [...]ycas, the owner of a Ship, and of a small Seat, that lay next the Sea.’

‘The Delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest, tho' Lycurgus's Table was thrifty e­nough: The [...]irst thing was every one to chuse his Play-Mate: The fair Try­phaena pleas'd me, and readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the Courtes [...]e of the House, when Lycas storming to have his old Amour slock [...] from him, accu [...]'d me at first of under­dealing; but soon from a Rival addres­sing himself as a Lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his Damag [...]s, and ply'd me hotly: But Tryphaena ha­ving my Heart, I could not lend him an Ear. The refusal set him the shar­per; he follow'd me where-ever I went, and getting into my Chamber at night, when Entreaty did no good, he fell to downright Violence; but I rais'd such an out-cry that I wak'd the whole House, and, by the help of Lycurgus [...] got rid of him for that bo [...]t.’

[Page 15] ‘At length perc [...]iving Lycurgus's House was not for his purpose, he would have persuaded me to his own; but I re­jecting the [...]ro [...]r, he made use of Try­phaena's Au [...]hority [...] and she the rather persu [...]ded me to yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at li­berty there. I follow'd therefore whi­ther my Love led me; but Lycurgus having renew'd his old Concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to de­part: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we go with Ly­cas: Over and beside which, it was con­cluded, that every of us, as opportuni­ty offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common Stock.’

‘Lyc [...]s was ove [...] joy'd at my Consent, and so has [...]n [...] our departure, that, ta­king l [...]ave of our Friends, we arriv'd at his [...]ous [...] the same Day.’

‘But in our Passage he so order'd the matter that [...]e [...]te next me, and Try­phaena next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show the noto [...]ious Light­ness of that Woman; nor was he mi­staken in her, for she presently grew hot upon the Boy: I was quickly [...]ea­lous, and Lyc [...]s so exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion [Page 16] of her. On this I began to be ea­sier to him, which made him all Joy, as being assur'd the Unworthiness of my new Mistress wou'd beget my Contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with the better will.’

‘So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphaena was desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas stu­dying to please me, found me every day some new Diversion: In all which also his Wife Doris, a fine Woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gay­ly, that she presently thrust Tryphaena from my Heart: I gave her the Wink, and she return'd her Consent by as wanton a Twinckle; so that this dumb Rhetorick going before the Tongue, secretly convey'd each others Mind.’

‘I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me Tongue-ty'd so long, and the love he bore his Wife made him disco­ver to her, his inclination to me: But the first opportunity we had of talk­ing together, she related to me what she had learn'd from him; and I frank­ly confess'd it, but withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: [Page 17] Well then, quoth the discreet Woman, we must try our Wits, according to his own Opinion, the permission was one's and the possession anothers.’

‘By this time Gito had been worn off his Legs, and was gathering new strength, when Tryphaena came back to me, but disappointed of her expectati­on, her Love turn'd to a downright Fury; and, all on fire with following me to no purpose, got into my Intrigue both with Lycas and his Wife: She made no account of his gamesomness with me, as well knowing it wou'd hinder no Grist to her Mill: But for Doris, she never left till she had found out our private Amours, and gave a hint of it to Lycas; whose Jealousie having got the upper hand of his Love, ran all to revenge; but Doris, adver­tis'd by Tryph [...]ena's Woman, to divert the Storm, forbore any more such meetings.’

‘As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the Treachery of Tryphaena, and the Ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and Fortune favour'd me: For a Ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with rich Spoils, had the day before run upon the [...]ocks.’

[Page 18] ‘Gito and I laid our Heads together, and he was as willing as my self to be gone; for Tryphaena having drawn him dry, began now not to be so fond of him. Early the next morning there­fore we march'd to Sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the Ship, because we were no strangers to Lycas's Servants then in wait upon her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of getting into the Stern, where the Image of Isis stood, and strip'd her of a rich Mantle, and Silver Taber, lifting other good Booty out of the Master's Cabin, I stole down by a Rope, unseen of any but Gito; who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me.’

‘As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the Purchase, and both of us resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyl­tos, but Lycurgus's House was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd him the Prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how we were made a meer may-game of Love: He advis'd us to prepossess Lycurgus with our Case, [Page 19] and make him our Friend [...]re the o­thers could see him;’ and withal bold­ly assert it, That the trick Lycas would have served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which when Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times protect us a­gainst our Enemies.

Our flight was unknown till Tryphaena and Doris were got out of bed; for we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas sent after us, and especial­ly to the Sea-side, for he had heard we made that way, but not a word of the Pillage, for the Ship lay somewhat to Sea-ward, and the Master had not yet return'd on board.

But at last it being taken for granted, we were run away, and Lycas becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his Wife, whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice of what Words and Blows past between them; I know not every par­ticular: I'll only say, Tryphaena, the Mo­ther of Mischief, had put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at Lycurgus's, where she persuaded [Page 20] him to go in quest of the Runna­gates, and promis'd to bear him com­pany, that she might confound our Im­pudence with just Reproaches.

The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his House; but we were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a Festival in honour of Her­cules, held at a neighbouring Village, and had taken us with him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they could to us, and met us in the Portico of the Temple. The sight of them very much disorder­ed us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight to Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended Brow, and so haughty a Look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open Throat charg'd him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his own House; and Tryphaena endeavouring to stop my Mouth, had her share with him, for I set out her Harlotry to the Mob, who were got about us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd them poor sapless Giton, and my self al­so, whom that itch of the Whore had even brought to our Graves.

[Page 21] The shout of the Mob put our Ene­mies so out of Countenance that they went off heavily, but contriving a re­venge; and therefore observing how we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his House, and set him right again. The Solemnity ending la­ter than was expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that Night, and there­fore he brought us to a half-way House, but left us asleep next Morning, and went home to dispatch some business, where he found Lycas and Tryphaena waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that they brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barba­rous and faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to get some help, whilst he secured us in the Village.

Thither he came, and at his first en­try, treated us as Lycas had done: After which wringing his Hands together, he upbraided us with the Lye we had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the Room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our defence; but carrying him to his House, set a Guard upon us, till himself should return.

[Page 22] On the Road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but neither Entreaties, nor Love, nor Tears doing any good on him, it came into our Comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that Night, and by that means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on.

The Family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our Fardels on his Shoulders, and getting through a breach in the Wall, which he had formerly ta­ken notice of, came to the Village by break of Day, and meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our Chamber; which the Guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but the Bar being of Wood, he easily wren­ched it with an Iron Crow, and waken'd us; for we snor'd, in spight of For­tune.

Our Guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the Crack. To be short, Ascyltos came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into [Page 23] my Head to kill the Guard, and rifle the Village; I told Ascyltos my Mind: He liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without Blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the House, he pick'd the Lock of an Inner-Room where the Movables lay, and bringing us into it, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet early in the Morning; avoid­ing the common Road, and not rest­ing till we thought our selves out of danger.

Then Ascyltos having gotten heart a­gain, began to ampli [...]ie the Delight he took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, nor without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his Nights service, nor kept a Table that had either Meat, or Drink on't, being such a sordid pintch-pe­ny; that, notwithstanding his infinite Wealth, he deny'd himself the common Necessaries of Life.

Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him how imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be con­jectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: And therefore, said I, let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the Heat be over. The Advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant Country-Town, where we were sure to m [...]et some of our Acquaintance that were taking the benefit of the Season: But we were scarce got half way, when a shower of Rain emptying it self upon us like Buckets, forc'd us into the next Village; w [...]ere entring the Inn, we saw a great many others that had also struck in, to avoid the Storm. The throng kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of prying here and there, what we might [...]ilch in a Crowd, when Ascyltos, unheeded of any one, took a Purse from the Ground, in which he found several pieces of Gold; we leap'd for Joy at so fortunate a beginning; [Page 25] but fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a Back-door, where we saw a Groom Sadling his Horses; but, as having for­gotten somewhat, he run into the House, leaving behind him an Embroider'd Mantle, mail'd to one of the Saddles: In his absence I cut the Straps, and un­der the covert of some Out-sheds, we made off with it to a neighbouring Forest.

Being more out of danger among the Thickets, we cast about where we should hide the Gold, that we might not be either charg'd with the Felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we concluded to sow it in the Lining of an old patcht Coat which I threw over my Shoulders, and entrusted the care of the Mantle to Ascyltos, in design to get to the City by Cross-ways: But as we were going out, we heard somewhat on our left hand, to this purpose: They shall not escape us; they came into the Wood; let's sepa­rate our selves and beat about, that we may the better discover and take them. This put us into such a fright, that As­cyltos and Giton fled through Briars and Brambles to the City-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry, that without [Page 26] perceiving it, the precious Coat drop'd from my Shoulders: At last be­ing quite tir'd, and not able to go any further, I laid me down under the shel­ter of a Tree, where I first miss'd the Coat: Then grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could re­cover the Treasure; I ran hither and thither, and every where, but to no purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got into a Thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with the horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going for­ward, a Country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my Con­fidence, nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I had lost my self in the Wood, desir'd him tell me the way to the City: He pittying my Figure (for I was as pale as Death, and all bemir'd) ask'd me if I had seen any one in the Wood? I answered, not a Soul—on which he courteously brought me into the High­way, where he met two of his Friends, who told him, they had travers'd the Wood thro' and thro', but had light up­on nothing but a Coat, which they shew'd him.

[Page 27] It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho' I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than all the rest; however, bewailing my Treasure, the Country-man not heeding me, and feeble­ness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and jogg'd on [...]lower than ordi­narily.

It was longer e're I reach'd the City than I thought of; but coming to the Inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a Straw Pallet, and fell on another my s [...]lf, not able to utter a word: He missing the Coat was in a great disorder, and has [...]ily demanded of me, what was become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath, resolv'd him by my languishing Eyes, what my To [...]g [...]e would not give me leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and tho' the tears in my Eyes might have been as full Evi­dence to him as an Oath, he yet questi­oned the truth of what I said, and would not believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Giton stood as troubled as my self, and the Boy's [Page 28] sadness increased mine: But the fresh Suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole to Ascyltos, who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got off for the present, and withal assur'd himself, that we were past danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: How­ever, it was thou [...]ht fit to pretend a Sickness, that we might have the better pretext to keep where we were: But our Monies falling shorter than we thought of, and Necessity enforcing us, we found it high time to sell some of our Pillage.

It was almost dark, when going into the Brokers Market, we saw abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value, 'tis true; yet such whose Night-walking Trade, the dusk of the Evening might easily con­ceal. We also had the Mantle with us, and taking the opportunity of a blind Corner, fell a shaking the Skirt of it, to try if so glittering a Shew would bring us a Purchaser; nor had we been long there, e're a certain Country-man, whom I thought I had seen before, came up to us with a Hussye that follow'd him, and began to consider the Mantle more [Page 29] narrowly, as on the other side did As­cyltos our Country Chapman's Shoulders, which presently startled him, and struck him Dumb, nor could my self behold [...]em without being concern'd at it, for he seemed to me to be the same Fel­low that had found the Coat in the Wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyl­tos doubting whether he might trust his Eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing rashly, first came nearer to him as a Buyer, and taking the Coat from his Shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the wonderful vagaries of Fortune! for the Country-man had not so much as examined a Seam of it, but carelesly exposed it as Beggars-booty.

Ascyltos seeing the Coat unript, and the Person of the Seller contemptible, took me aside from the Crowd: And don't you see Brother, said he, the trea­sure I made such moan about is return­ed? That's the Coat with the Gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own again?

I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the Booty, but had clear'd my self of the Suspicion that lay upon me, [Page 30] was by no means for going about the Bush, but down right bringing an A­ction against him, That if the Fellow would not give up the Coat to the right owner, we might recover it by Law;

Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the Law, who, said he, knows us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear for buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the Treasure with a little Money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain Suit; but we had not above a couple of Groats ready Money, and that we de­sign'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the Coat should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell the Mantle at a lower price, that the Advantage we got by the one, might make what we lost by the other more easie.

[Page 31] Assoon therefore as we had spread open the Mantle, the Woman that stood muffled by the Countryman, ha­ving pryingly taken notice of some to­kens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her Throat, cryed out, Thieves, Thieves!

We on t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem to do no­thing, got hold of the totter'd Coat, and as spitefully roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like theirs, and the Rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they were wont, the weaker side, in that the o­thers made claim to so rich a Mantle, and we to a ragged Coat, scarce worth a good Patch. At this Ascyltos could hardly keep his Countenance; but the noise being over, We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, Give us our Coat, and let them take the Man­tle.

The Countryman and the Woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a sort of Petty-Foggers, most of whose business was such Night Practice, ha­ving a mind to get the Mantle them­selves, as importunately required, that both Mantle and Co [...]t should be left [Page 32] in their hands, and the Judge would hear their complaints on the Morrow: For it was not the things alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite a­nother matter to be enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of Robbery on both sides.

At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the right were determined; when present­ly one, I know not who, with a bald Pate, and a Face full of Pimples, he had been formerly a kind of Solicitor, steps out of the Rout, and laying hold on the Mantle, said he'd be Security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth he intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into Hucksters hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never come to own it, for fear of be­ing taken up for it; for our part we were as willing as he; and an Accident befriended both of us: For the Coun­try-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht Coat gi­ven us, threw it at Ascyltos's Head, and discharging us of every thing but the Mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only cause of the Dispute. Having [Page 33] therefore recovered, as we thought, our Treasure, we made all the haste we could to the Inn, and having shut the Door upon us, made our selves Merry, as well with the judgment of the Rab­ble as of our Detracters, who with so much circumspection had restor'd us our Money.

While we were ripping the Coat and taking out the Gold, we overheard some­body asking mine Host, what kind of People those were that had just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what was the mat­ter, and understood that a City Serjeant, who according to the duty of his Office, took an account of all Strangers, and had seen a couple come into the Inn, whose Names he had not yet Registred, and therefore inquired of what Country they were, and what way of living they had.

But mine Host gave me such a blind Account of it, that I began to s [...]spect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up, we thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till it was more in the Night, but leave the care of our Supper to Gito.

[Page 34] We had resolv'd to keep out of the Broad Streets, and accordingly took our Walk thro' that quarter of the City where we were likely to meet least Company; when in a narrow winding Lane that had not Passage thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely Ma­tron-like Women, and followed them at a distance to a Chappel, which they entred, whence we heard an odd hum­ming kind of Noise, as if it came from the hollow of a Cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number of Women, as mad as they had been, Sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of them an Amulet (the Ensign of Priapus) in her Hand. More than that, we could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set up such a Shout, that the Roof of the Tem­ple shook agen, and witha [...] endeavour­ed to lay Hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste we could to the Inn.

Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the Supper Gito had got for us, when a more than ordinary Bounce at the Door, put us into another fright; and when we, pale as Death, ask'd who who was there, 'twas answer'd, Open [Page 35] the Door and you'll see: While we were yet talking, the Bolt drop'd off, and the Door flew open, on which, a Wo­man with her Head muffl'd came in up­on us, but the same who a little before had stood by the Country-man in the Market: And what, said she, do you think to put a Trick upon me? I am Quartilla's Maid, whose Sacred recess you so lately disturb'd: She is at the Inn­gate, and desires to speak with ye: not that she either taxes your Inadvertency, or has a mind to so resent it, but ra­ther wonders, what God brought such Civil Gentlemen into her Quarters.

We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla her self, attended with a young Girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping: nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those Tears at command meant. At last when the Showre had emptied it self, she disdainfully turn'd up her Hood, and clinching her Fingers together, till the Joints were ready to crack, what Im­pudence, said she, is this? or where learnt ye those Shamms, and that slight of Hand ye have so lately been beholding [Page 36] to? By my Faith, Young-men, I am [...]rry for ye; for no one beheld wha [...] was unlawful for him to see, and went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the Town has so many Deities, you'l sooner find a God than a Man in't: And that you may not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more conce [...]n'd for your Youth, than the In­jury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet think, ye have committed an in­expiable abomination.

For my part it troubled me all Night, and threw me into such a shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a Tertian, on which I took somewhat to have made me sleep; but the God appeared to me, and commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off the violence of the Fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy, as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your Youthful Frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's Chappel, and utter the Counsels of the Gods among the Peo­ple. Low as your Knees, I therefore lift my Hands t'ye, that ye neither make Sport of our Night-worship, nor [Page 37] dishonour the Mysteries of so many Years, which, 'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows.

After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan, fell flat on my Bed: when I at the same time, be­tween pity and fear, bid her take cou­rage and assure her self of both; for that we would neither divulge those holy Mysteries; nor if the God had pre­scrib'd her any other remedy for her A­gue, be wanting our selves to assist Pro­vidence, even with our own hazard.

At this Promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me thick and threefold, and turning the humour of Tears into Laughing, she comb'd up some Hair that hung over my Face with her Fingers, and I come to a Truce with ye, said she, and discharge ye of the Process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the Medicine I intreat of ye for the Ague, I have Fel­lows enough will be ready by to Mor­row, that shall both vindicate my Re­putation, and revenge the Affront ye put upon me.

Then clapping her Hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a Laughter, that made us apprehensive of some de­signs against us; the same also did the Woman that came in first, and the Girl that came with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a change, we one while star'd on one a­nother, and otherwhile on the Woman.

At length, quoth Quartilla, I have commanded, That no flesh alive be suf­fered to come into this Inn to day; that I may receive from you the Medi­cine for the Ague without interruption.

At what time As [...]yltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd, that I had not power to utter a word: But the Com­pany gave me heart not to expect worse, for they were but three Women [...] and if they had any design, must yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of Man about us, had yet that Figure to befriend us: [Page 39] We were all girt up for the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the Couples, that if it must come to a Rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla, Ascyltos with her Woman, and Gito the Girl.

While I was thus casting the matter in my Head, Quartilla came up to me, to cure her of her Ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were certain Persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore comman­ded to remove us into a Noble Palace.

Here all our Courage fail'd us, and no­thing but certain Death seem'd to appear before us.

When I began, If, Madam, you de­sign to be more severe with us, be yet so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whatever our offence be, it is not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to death for it: Upon which her Woman, whose Name was Psyche, spread a Co­verlet on the Floor, and fell examining the Linings of my Breeches, but her labour was lost, all was cold and dead. Ascyltos muffled his Head in his Coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it was to take notice of what [Page 40] did not concern him: In the mean time Psyche took off her Garters, and with the one of them bound my Feet, and with the other my Hands.

Thus fetter'd as I lay, This, Madam, said I, is not the way to rid you of your Ague: I grant it, answer'd Psyche, but I have a Dose at hand will infallibly do it; and therewith brought me a lusty Bowl of Satyrion. (a Love-Potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful effects of it, that I had well-nigh suck'd it all off: But because Ascyltos had slighted her Courtship, she finding his Back to­wards her, threw the bottom of it on him.

Ascyltos perceiving the Chat was at an end, Am not I worthy, said he, to get a Sup? And Psyche fearing my Laughter might discover her, clapped her Hands, and told him, Young-man I made you an offer of it, but your Friend here has drunk it all out.

Is it so, quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, and has Encolpius gugg'd it all down? At last also even Gito laught for Company, at what time the young Wench flung her Arms about his Neck, and meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with Kisses.

[Page 41] We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as I was offering to bid 'em keep the Peace, Psyche fell a nipping and pricking me with her Bodkin: On the other side [...] also, the young Wench half stifled Ascyl­tos with a Dish-clout she had rubb'd in the Bowl.

Lastly came leaping upon us a Bur­dash, in a rough Mantle stuck with Myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our Hipps to Powder with his bobbing at us, and other-while slobber'd us with his nasty Kisses; till Quartilla, holding her Staff of Office in her Hand, discharg'd us of the Service; but not without having first taken an Oath of us, that so dreadful a Secret should go no further than our selves. Then came in a company of Wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with the Yelk of an Egg beaten to Oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we put on our Night Gowns, and were led into the next Room, that had three Beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent Antipast, we swill'd our [Page 42] selves with the choicest of Wine; nor was it long e'er we fell a nodding. It is so, quoth Quartilla; can ye sleep when ye know it is the Vigil to Pria­pus? at what time Ascyltos snor'd so soundly, that Psyche, not y [...]t forgeting the disapointment, he gave her, all be­sooted his Face, and scor'd down his Shoulders with a burnt Sticks end.

Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hard­ly got the least wink of Sleep, nor was the whole Family, whether with­in doors or without, in a much better condition; some lay up and down at our Feet, others had run their Heads against the Walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the Threshold: The Lamps also having drunk up their Oil, gave a thin and last blaze. At this instant got in a couple of pilfering Rogues to have stollen our Wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some Silver Ves­sels that stood upon the Table, they broke the Earthen Pot that held the Wine, and overthrew the Table, with the Plate on it, and at the same time also, a Cup falling off the Shelf on Psyche's Bed, broke her Head as she lay fast asleep; on which she cry'd out, and therewith discovered the Thieves, [Page 43] and wak'd some of the Drunkards: The Thieves on the other hand find­ing themselves in a Pound, threw them­selves on one of the Beds, as some of the Guests, and fell a snoring like the rest. The Usher of the Hall being by this time got awake, put more Oil in the dying Lamps; and the Boys, ha­ving rubb'd their Eyes, return'd to their charge, when in came a Woman that play'd on the Harp, and ratling its Strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the Banquet was renew'd, and Quartil­la gave the Word, to go on where we left (that is, Drinking:) The She Har­per also added not a little to our Mid­night Revel.

At last bolted in a shameless Rascal, one of no Grace either in Words or Gesture, and truly worthy of the House where he was; he also set up his noice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat to the Company, he mouth'd out these Verses;

[Page 44] Having done with his Poetry, he smear'd my Lips with a nasty Kiss; then getting on our Bed, tugg'd stout­ly to have turn'd up our Night-Gowns: Long and hard he kept goring at me, but all to no purpose. Great drops of Paint hung like Gum on his Forehead, and came trickling down the wrinkles of his Cheeks like Rain on a naked Wall. Nor could I forbear Tears any longer, but being brought to the last extremity, I beseech you Madam, quoth I, sure you have commanded to have us stifled with Kisses.

When gently clapping her Hands to­gether, O Man of Wit, said she, and very original of pleasant Railery! what, don't you know a Pathick is ever a dri­velling Kisser? And therefore that my Companion might not scape better than my self, By your Integrity, Madam, quoth I, does Ascyltos alone keep Ho­ly-day among us.

Is it so, said she, even let him have his share too: And therewith the Ra­scal chang'd his Horse, and turning off to Ascyltos, almost bray'd him to pie­ces with kissing and bobbing him. Gito [Page 45] stood laughing all the while, 'till he had well-nigh split himself; which Quartilla perceiving, diligently enquired whose Boy he was, and I telling her he was my Comrade, why then, said she, has he not kist me? and so cal­ling him to her, fell at it roundly; and making a flourish with his Quar­ter-Pike, this, quoth she, may do well enough for a Fore-Skirmish, and get me an appetite to morrow; but having made so full a Meal already, it is not my way to put a Churle upon a Gentleman. With that Psyche came tit­tering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her Ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on; and since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis lose her Maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pret­ty young Girl, that seem'd not to be above Seven Years of Age, and was the same that first came into our Room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a general Clap, and next desiring it, a Wedding was struck up between the Boy and her. For my part I stood a­maz'd, and assur'd them, That neither Gito, a bashful Lad, was able for the [Page 46] drudgery, nor the Girl of years to re­ceive it. Is that all, quoth Quartilla? Is she less than I was when I first en­tred on't? A Pox on my Nanny if I remember I ever was a Maid; for when I was yet a little one, I went to Creep­Mouse with little Boys; and as I grew in Years, I put forwards to bigger, 'till I came to the age you see; and truly I think hence came the Proverb:

Least therefore my Comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the Wedding.

And now Psyche put a flame-colour Veil on the Girles Head; the Pathick led before with a Flambo [...], and a long Train of drunken Women, fell a shout­ing, and drest up the Bride-Chamber; Quartilla all a-gog as the rest, took hold of Gito, and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the Boy made no resistance; nor seem'd the Girl frighted at the name of Matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before the Threshold of the Chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a Chink thro' the Door, as wantonly laid [Page 47] an Ape's Eye to it; nor content with that, pluck't me also to see that Childs play, and when we were not peeping, would turn her Lips to me, and steal a Kiss.

The Jade's fulsomness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which way to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with it, for he was as willing to get rid of his tor­ment, Psyche: Nor was it hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the Chamber; for we were resol­ved to take him with us, and not leave him to the mercy of a Bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to ef­fect it, it so happened that Pannychis fell out of Bed, and drew Gito after her, without any hurt, though the Girl got a small Knock in the fall, and therewith made such a Cry, that Quar­tilla, all in a fright, ran headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking the Boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our Inn, and getting to Bed, past the rest of the Night without fear.

But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those Fellows that robb'd us of the Mantle, which Ascyltos [Page 48] perceiving, he briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and de­sparat [...]ly wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing hard upon the other, but he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but slightly, and got off himself without so much as a Scratch.

And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an Entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he would: But having re­ceived some Wounds, we thought flight might be of more use to us than sitting still: We got to our Inn therefore, as fast as we could, and our Wounds not being great, cured them as we lay in Bed, with Wine and Oyl.

But the Rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the Street, and we were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively considering which way to avoid the impending Storm, a Servant of Agamemnon's inter­rupted our fears: And do not ye know, said he, with whom we eat to day? Trimalchio, a trim finical Humo­rist has a Clock in his Dining-Room, and one on purpose to let him know how many Minutes of his Life he had [Page 49] lost. We therefore drest our selves care­fully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a Servant, as he had hither to done, we bad him put our things together, and follow us to the Bath.

Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or ra­ther having a mind to divert us, struck into a Tennis-Court, where we saw an old Bald-pated Fellow in a Carnation­colour'd Coat, playing at Ball with a company of Boys; nor was it so much the Boys, tho' it was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the Master of the House himself in Pumps, who altogether tossed the Ball, and ne­ver struck it after it once came to the Ground, but had a Servant by him with a Bag full of them, and enough for all that play'd.

We observed also several new things; for in the Gallery stood two Eunuchs, one of whom held a Silver Chamber-pot, the other counted the Balls, not those they kept tossing [...] but such as fell to the Ground. While we admir'd the Hu­mour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us we were come where we must set up for the Night, and that we had [Page 50] seen the beginning of our Entertain­ment. As he was yet talking, Trimal­chio snapp'd his Fingers, at which sign the Eunuch held the Chamber-pot to him as he was playing; then calling for Water, be dipped the tips of his Fingers in it, and dry'd them on the Boys Head. 'Twould be too long to recount every thing: We went into the Hot-house, and having sweated a little, into the Cold Bath; and while Trimalchio was anointed from Head to Foot with a li­quid Perfume, and rubb'd clean again, not with Linnen but the finest Flannen, his Three Chyrurgeons ply'd the Mu­scadine, but brawling over their Cups; Trimalchio said it was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a Scarlet Mantle, he was laid on a Litter born by Six Servants, with Four Lacqueys in rich Liveries run­ning before him, and by his side a Se­dan, in which was carried his Darling, a stale bleer eyed Catamite, more Ill­favoured than his Master Tremalchio; who as they went on, kept close to his Ear with a Flagellet, as if he had whis­pered him, and made him musick all the way. Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the Gate, on which hung a Tablet with this this Inscription:

[Page 51] WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES.

In the Porch stood the Porter in a Green Livery, girt about with a Cher­ry-coloured Girdle, garbling of Pease in a Silver Charger; and over head hung a Golden Cage with a Magpye in it, which gave us an All Hail as we en­tred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like to have b [...]oken my Neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from the Porter's Lodge, there was a great Dog in a Chain painted on the Wall, and over him written in Capi­tal Letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My Companions could not forbear laugh­ing; but I recollecting my Spirits, pur­sued my design of going to the end of the Wall; it was the draught of a Mar­ket-place where Slaves were bought and sold with Bills over them: There was also Trimalchio with a white Staff in his Hand, and Min [...]rva with a Train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to cast Accompt, he was made Au­ditor; all exquisitely painted with their [Page 52] proper Titles; and at the end of the Gallery Mercury lifting him by the Chin, and placing him on a Judgment-Sea [...]. Fortune stood by him with a Cornucopia, and the Three fatal Sisters winding a Golden Thread.

I observed also in the same place a Troop of Light [...]horsemen, with their Commander Exercising them; as also a large Armory, in one of the Angles of which stood a Shrine with the Gods of the House in Silver, a Marble Statue of Venus, and a large Golden Box, in which it was said he kept the first Sha­vings of his Beard. Then asking the Ser­vant that had the charge of these things, What Pictures those were in the middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left hand two spectacles of Sword­playing. We could not bestow much time on i [...], for by this time we were come to the Dining [...]Room, in the en­try of which sate his Steward, taking every ones Account: But what I most admir'd, were those bundles of Rods, with their Axes, that were fastned to the sides of the Door, and stood, as it were, on the Brazen Prow of a Ship, on which was written,

[Page 53] TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRI­MALCHIO OF PRAETORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE STEWARD.

Under the same Title also, hung a Lamp of two Lights from the Roof of the Room, and two Tablets on either side of the Door; of which one, if I well remember, had this Inscription,

THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JA­NUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS ABROAD.

On the other was represented the Course of the Moon, and the seven Stars; and what Days were Lucky, what Unlucky, with an Emboss'd Studd to distinguish the one from the other.

Full of this Sensuality we were now entring the Room, where one of his Boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, ADVANCE ORDERLY. Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for fear of break­ing the Orders of the place. But while we were footing it accordingly, a Servant [Page 54] stript off his Livery, fell at our Feet, and besought us to save him a Whipping; for he said his Fault was no great matter, but that some Cloaths of the Stewards had been stoln from him in the Bath, and all of them not worth Eighteen-pence.

We returned therefore in good Or­der, and finding the Steward in the Counting-House telling some Gold, be­sought him to remit the Servant's pu­nishment: When putting on an haughty Face, It is not, said he, the loss of the thing troubles me, but the Negligence of a car [...]l [...]ss Ras [...]al. He has lost me the Gar­ments I s [...] at Table in [...] and which a Cli [...]nt of [...]ine present [...]d me on my Birth-day; no Man can deny them to be right Purple, tho' not double Dye; yet wha [...]ev [...]r it be, I grant your Request.

Having receiv'd so great a Favour, as we were entring the Dining [...]Room, the Servant for whom we had been Sui­tors, met us, and kissing us, who stood wondring what the Humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for our Civi­lity; and in short, told us we should know by and by, whom it was we had oblig'd: The Wine which our Ma­ster keeps for his own drinking, is the Waiters kindness.

[Page 55] At length we sate down, when a big­ger and sprucer sort of Boys coming a­bout us, some of them poured Snow­water on our Heads, and others par [...]d the Nails of our Feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not silently, but Singing as it were by the bye: I resol­ved to try if the whole Family Sang; and therefore called for Drink, which one of the Boys as readily brought me with an odd kind of Tune; and the same did every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris dancers Hall, not the Table of a Person of Quality.

Then came in a sumptuo [...]s Antepast; for we were all seated, but only Tri­malchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief Place was reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the Entertainment, there was s [...]t by us a large Vessel of Metheglin, with a Pannier, in the one part of which were whit [...] Olives, in the other black; two broad Platters covered the Vessel, on the brims of which were Engraven Trimalchio's Name, and the weight of the Silver, with little Bridges soldered together, and on them Dormice, strew'd over with Honey and Poppy: There were [Page 56] also piping-hot Sausages on a Silver Gridiron, and under that large Dam­sons, with the Kernels of Pomegranats.

In this Condition were we when Tri­malchio himself was waddled into the Consort; and being close bolster'd with Neck-cloaths and Pillows to keep off the Air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald Pate peep'd out of a Scarlet Mantle, and over the load of Cloaths he lay under, there hung an Embroidered Towel, with Purple Tas­sels and Fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little Finger of his left Hand, a large Gilt Ring, and on the outmost Joint of the Finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all Gold; but at last it appeared to be Jointed together with a kind of Stars of Steel: And that we might see these were not all his Bravery, he stripp'd his right Arm, on which he wore a Golden Bra­celet, and an Ivory Circle, bound to­gether with a glittering Locket, and a Meddal at the end of it: Then pick­ing his Teeth with a Silver Pin, I had not, my Friends, said he, any inclina­tion to have come among you so soon, but fearing my absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd my self my [Page 57] own satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my Game: There fol­lowed him a Boy with an Inlaid Table and Christal Dice; and I took notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black and white Counters, his were all Silver and Gold pieces of Money.

In the mean time while he was squan­dring his Heap at Play, and we were yet picking a Relish here and there, a Cupboard was brought in with a Basket, in which was a Hen Carved in Wood, her Wings lying round and hollow, as sitting on Brood; when presently the Consort struck up, and two Servants fell a searching the Straw under her, and taking out some Peahens Eggs, di­stributed them among the Company: At this Trimalchio changing Countenance, I commanded my Friends, said he, the Hen to be set with Peahens Eggs; and so help me Hercules, am affraid they may be half Hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet Suppable.

The thing we received was a kind of Shell of at least Six Pound weight, made of Paste, and moulded into the Figure of an Egg, which we easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away [Page 58] my share; for it seemed to me to have a Chick in it; till hearing an old Guest of the Tables saying, It was some good Bit or other, I searched further into it, and found a delicate fat Wheatear in the middle of a well-pepper'd Yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his Play for a while, and requiring the like for him­self, proclaim'd, If any of us would have any more Metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a sudden the Musick gave the Sign, and the first Course was scrabled away by a Com­pany of Singers and Dancers; but in the Rustle it happening that a Dish fell on the Floor, a Boy took it up, and Tri­malchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the Ears, and commanded him to throw it down again; on which the Groom of the Chamber came with a Broom and swept away the Silver Dish, with whatever else had fallen from the Table.

When presently came in two long­hair'd Blacks, with small Leather Bot­tles, such as with which they strew Sand on the Stage, and gave us Wine to wash our Hands, but no one offered us Wa­ter. We all admiring the Finicalness of the Entertainment, Mars, said he, is a [Page 59] lover of Justice, and therefore let every one have a Table to himself, for having more Elbow-room, these nasty stinking Boys will be less troublesome to us; and thereupon large double-Ear'd Vessels of Glass close Plaistered over, were brought up with Labels about their Necks, upon which was this Inscription:

OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

While we were reading the Titles, Trimalchio clapped his Hands, and Alas, alas, said he, that Wine should live lon­ger than Man! Wine is Life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the Consulship of Lucius Opimius, or not: 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make ready; I brought not out so good Yesterday, yet there were Persons of better Quality Sup'd with me.

We drank and admired every thing, when in came a Servant with a Silver Puppet, so Jointed and put together, that it turned every way; and being more than once thrown upon the Table, cast it self into several Figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his Poetry:

The Applause we gave him, was fol­lowed with a Service, but respecting the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However, the Novelty of the thing drew every Man's Eye, upon it; it was a large Char­ger, with the twelve Signs round it; upon every one of which the Master Cook had laid somewhat or other suit­able to the Sign: Upon Aries, Chick­Pease, (a Pulse not unlike a Rams-head) upon Taurus a piece of Beef; upon Ge­mini a pair of Pendulums and Kidneys: upon Cancer a Coronet; upon Leo an African Figg; upon Virgo a well-grown Boy; upon Libra a pair of Scales, in one of which was a Tart, in the other a Custard: upon Scorpio a Pilchard; upon Sagittary a Grey-hound; upon Capricorn a Lobster; upon Aquarius a Goose; upon Pisces two Mullets, and in the middle a Plat of Herbs, cut out like a green Turf, and over them an Honey-comb. During this, a lesser [Page 61] Black carry'd about Bread in a Silver Oven, and with a hideous Voice, forced a Bawdy Song from a Buffoon that stunk like Assa Faetida.

When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkardly on such course Fare, Come, come, said he, fall to and Eat, this is the Custom of the place.

Nor had he sooner said it, then the fourth Consort struck up; at which the Waiters fell a Dancing, and took off the upper part of the Charger, under which was a Dish of cramm'd Fowl, and the hinder Paps of a Sow that had Farrowed but a day before, well Pow­dered, and in the middle a Hare, stuck in with Finns of Fish in his side, that he look'd like a Flying Horse; and on the sides of the Fish four little Images, that spouted a relishing Sauce on some Fish that lay near them, all of them brought from the River Euripus.

We also seconded the Shout begun by the Family, and fell merrily aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed Cut; at which the Musick sounding again, the Carver hu­mour'd it, and cut up the Meat with such Antick Postures, you'd have thought him a Car-man fighting to an Organ.

[Page 62] Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower Note, cryed out again Cut: I hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some Joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sat next above me, what it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, You see, said he, him that Carves a­bout, his Name is Cutter; and as often as he says Cut, he both Calls and Com­mands.

The Humour spoiled my Stomach for eating; but turning to him that I might learn more, I made some plea­sant Discourse to him at a distance; and at last asked him what that Wo­man was that so often sculted up and down the Room.

It is, said he, Trimalchio's Wife, her Name Fortunata, she measures Money by the Bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me Sir, you would not have touch'd her with a pair of Tongs, but now, no one knows how or where­fore, she's got into Heaven; and is Trimalchio's all in all: In short, if she says it is Mid-night at Mid-day, he'll believe her. He's so very Wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she has an Eye every where; and when you [Page 63] least think to meet her, you'll have her: She's void of all Good Counsel, and withal of an ill Tongue; a very Pye at his Bolster; whom she Loves she Loves; and whom she does not Love, she does not Love.

Then for Trimalchio, he has more Lands than a Crow can [...]ly over; Mo­nies upon Monies: There lies more Silver in his Porters Lodge, than any one Man's whole Estate. And for his Family, Hey-day, hey-day, there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their Master. In brief, there is not one of those Fools about him, but he can turn him into a Cabbage-stalk: Nor is there any occa­sion to Buy any thing, he has all at his own Door; Wooll, Marte [...] P [...]pper, nay Hens Milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his Wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought Rams at Tarentum to mend this Breed; as in like manner he did by his Honey, by bringing his Bees from A­thens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies for Mushroom-Seed: Nor has he so mu [...]h as a Mule that did not come of a Wild Ass. S [...]e you all these Quilts? there is not one of them whose [Page 64] Wadding is not the finest Comb'd Wooll of Violet or Scarlet Colour, Dy'd in Grain. O happy Man! but have a care how you put a slight on those Freed Men, they are Rich Rogues: See you him that sits at the lower-end of the Table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not long since he was not worth a Groat, and carried Billets and Faggots at his Back: It is said, but I know nothing of it my self, but as I have heard, either he got in with an old Hog-grubbler, or had to do with an Incubus, and found a Treasure: For my part, I envy no Man, (if God gives any thing it is a Bit and a Blow, and wills no Evil to himself) he lately set up this Proclamation:

C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE.

But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late Slave? how well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a Hundred Thou­sand Sesterstias, but has not now a Hair of his Head that is not Engaged; nor, [Page 65] so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a better humour'd Man than himself; but those Rascally Freed­men have cheated him of all: For know, when the Pot boyls, and a Man's Estate declines, farewel Friends. And what Trade do you think he drove? He had the setting forth of Grave Men's Fune­rals; and with that Eat like a Prince: He had his Wild Boars served up co­vered; Pastry [...]Meats, Fowl-Cooks, Ba­kers: More Wine was thrown under his Table, than most Men have in their Cellars; a meer Phantasm: And when his Estate was going, and he fear'd his Creditors might fall upon him, he made an Auction under this Title:

JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION OF SE­VERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF.

The Dish was by this time taken a­way, and the Guests grown merry with Wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the Dis­course; and leaning on his Elbow, this Wine, said he, is worth drinking, and Fish must swim; but do you think I [Page 66] am satisfied with that part of your Sup­per you saw in the Charger? Is Vlysses no better known? what then; we ought to exercise our Brains as well as our Chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of Learning, but understand it: Peace rest my old Tutor's Bones who made me a Man amongst Men: No Man can tell me any thing that is New to me; for, like him, I am Master of the Practicks.

This Heaven that's inhabited by twelve Gods, turns it self into as many Figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born un­der that Sign has much Cattle, much Wooll, and to that a Jolt-head, a Bra­zen-face, and will be certainly a Cuckold: There are many Scholars, Advocates, and Horned Beasts, come into the World under this Sign. We praised our Na­tivity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore Foot­ball-Players, Herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are foaled Coach-Horses, Oxen calved, great Baubles, and such as can claw both sides, are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore stand on many Feet, as having large Possessions [Page 67] both by Sea and Land. For Cancer, suits one as well as the other, and there­fore I put nothing upon him, that I might not press my own G [...]niture. Un­der Leo, Spend [...]hrifts and Bullies: un­der Virgo, Wom [...]n, Runagates, and such as wear Iron Garters: under Libra, Butchers, Slip-slop-makers, and Men of Business: under Scorpio, Empoisoners and Cut-throats: under Sagittary, such as are Goggle-ey'd, Herb-women, and Bacon-stealers: under Capricorn, poor helpless Rascals, to whom yet Nature intended Horns to defend themselves: under Aquarius, Cooks and Paunch-bel­lies: under Pis [...]es, Caterers and Ora­tors: And so the World goes round like a Mill, and is never without its Mischief; that Men be either born or perish. But for that tu [...]t of Herbs in the middle, and the Honey-comb upon it, I do nothing without just reason for it: Our Mother the Earth is in the middle, made round like an Egg, and has all good things in her self, like a Honey-comb.

Most Learnedly, we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither Hip­parchus nor Aratus were to be compa­red to him; till at last other Servants [Page 68] came in and spread Coverlets on the Beds, on which were Painted Nets, Men in Ambush with Hunting-Poles, and whatever appertained to Hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it; when we heard a great cry without, and a pack of Beagles came and ran round the Table, and after them a large Trey, on which was a Boar of the first Mag­nitude, with a Cap on his Head, (such as Slaves at their making Free, had set on theirs in token of Liberties) on his Tusks hung two Wicker Baskets, the one full of Dates, the other of Almonds; and about him lay little Pigs of March­pane, as if they were sucking: They signified a Sow had Farrowed, and hang there as Presents for the Guests to carry away with them.

To the cutting up this Boar, here came not he that had carried about the Fowl as before, but a swinging Fellow with a two-handed Beard, Buskins on his Leggs, and a short Embroidered Coat; who drawing his Wood-Knife, made a large hole in the Boar's Side, out of which flew a company of Black­birds: Th [...]n Fowlers stood ready with their Engines and caught them in a trice as they [...]luttered about the Room: [Page 69] On which, Trimalchio ordering to every Man his Bird, See, said he, what kind of Acorns this Wild Boar [...]ed on: When presently the Boys took off the Baskets and distributed the Dates and Almonds among the Cuests.

In the mean time, I, who had pri­vate thoughts of my own, was much concerned, to know why the B [...]ar was brought in with a Cap upon his Head; and therefore having run out my Tit­tle-tattle, I told my Interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, Your Boy can even tell ye what it means, for there's no Riddle in it, but all as clear as Day. This Boar stood the last of Yester-nights Supper, and dismiss'd by the Guests, returns now as a Free-man among us. I curst my dul­ness, and asked him no more Questions, that I might not be thought to have never eaten before with Men of Sense.

While we were yet talking, in came a handsome Boy with a Wreath of Vine Leaves and Ivy about his Head; decla­ring himself one while Bromius, another while Ly [...]us, and another Euhyus, (se­veral Names of Bacchus) he carried a­bout a Server of Grapes, and wi [...]h a clear Voice, repeated some of his Master's [Page 70] Poetry, at which Trimalchio turn­ing to him, Dionysius, said he, be thou Liber, (i. e.) Free, (two other Names of Bacchus) whereupon the Boy took the Cap from off the Boar's Head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, you will not deny me but I have a Fa­ther, Liber. We all praised the con­ceit, and [...]oundly kissed the Boy as he went round us.

From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the Close-Stool; we also being at liberty, without a Tyrant over us, fell to some Table-talk.

When presently one calling for a Bumper, the Day, said he, is nothing, 'tis night e'er the Scene turn, and therefore nothing is better than to go streight from Bed to Board. We have had a great deal of Frost, the Bagnio has s [...]arce heated me; but a warm drinking is my Wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days Thread; the Wine is got into my Noddle, and I am down-right—

Selucus w [...]nt on with the rest, and I, said he, do not ba [...]he every day, for he where I use to bathe is a Fuller: Cold Water has Teeth in it, and my Head grows every day more washy than other; but when I have got my Dose in my [Page 71] Guts, I bid de [...]iance to Cold: Nor could I well do it to day, for I was at a Funeral, a jolly Companion, and a good Man was he, Crysanthus has breath­ed his last: 'Tis not long since we were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alass! we are but blown Bladders, less than Flies, yet they have somewhat in them: But we are meer Bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop of Water, or Crumb of Bread went down his Throat in five Days: And yet he's gone, or that he died of the Doctor. But I am of opini­on his time was come; for a Physitian is a great Comfort. However, he was well carried out of his House upon a rich Bed, and mightily lamented, he made some of his Servants Free; but his Wi [...]e seem'd not much concerned for him. You'l say again he was not kind to her; but Women are a kind of Kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if it were thrown in a Well; and old Love is as bad as a Goal.

At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, Let us remember the Living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what has he now that any Man moans the want [Page 72] of? He came from nothing, and to his dying-day would have taken a Farthing from a Dunghil with his Teeth; there­fore as he grew up, he grew like a Ho­ney-comb. He dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready Money. But to the Matter; I have eaten a Dog's Tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul Mouth, was all Babble; a very Make­bate, not a Man. His Brother was a brave Fellow, a Friend to his Friends, of an open hand, and kept a full Ta­ble: He did not order his Affairs so w [...]ll at first as he might have done; but the first Vintage made him up a­gain; for he sold what Wine he would; and what kept up his Chin was the expectation of a Reversion; the Credit of which brought him more than was left him; for his Brother taking a Pett at him, devised the Estate to I know not whose Bastard: He flies far that [...]lies his Rela [...]ion [...]. Besides, this Bro­ther of h [...]s had Whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, [...]s [...]cially in matter of busi­ness; and y [...]t ' [...]i [...] tru [...], he'll be counted wi [...]e while he lives, to whom the thing what [...]v [...]r it b [...] is given, not he that [Page 73] ought to have had it. He was with­out doubt, one of Fortune's Sons; Lead in his hand would turn to Gold, and without trouble too, where there are not Rubbs in the way. And how ma­ny Years think ye he liv'd? Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as Horn, bore his Age well, and as black as a Crow.

I knew him some Years ago an Oil­man, and to his last a good Womans Man; but withal such a Miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he left not a Dogg in his House. He was also a great Whore-master, and a Jack of all Trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him.

Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as fol­loweth: Ye talk of what concerns nei­ther Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no Man regards what makes all Victuals so searce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a mouthful of Bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my part, I have not fill'd my Belly this Twelvemonth: A plague on these Clerks of the Market, the Baker and they juggle together; Take no notice of me, I'll take no no­tice of thee; which make the poorer [Page 74] sort labour for nothing, while those greater Jaw-bones make Festival every day. Oh that we had those Lyons I now find here, when I came first out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the like of them, but they so handled the Goblins, even Jupiter bore them no Good-will. I remember Sas [...]nius, when I was a Boy, he liv'd by the Old Arch; you'd have taken him for Pepper-corn rather than a Man; where-ever he went the Earth parched under him; yet he was honest at bottom; one might depend on him; a Friend to his Friend, and whom you might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the Bench? He tossed every one like a Ball; made no Starch'd Speeches, but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade others: But in the Market his noise was like a Trumpet, without Sweating or Spu [...]ing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the Asian humour: then so ready to return a Salute, and call every one by his Name, as if he had been one of us. In his time Corn was as common as Loam; you might have bought more Bread for half a Farthing, than any [Page 75] two could eat; but now the Eye of an Ox will cost you twice as much: Ala [...]! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a Cows Tail, downward: And why all this? We have a Clerk of the Market not worth three [...]iggs, and values more the getting of a Doit him­self, than any of our Lives: ' [...]sis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he gets more Money in a day than many an honest Man's whole Estate: I know now how he got the Estate he has; but if we had any thing of Men about us, he would not hug himself as he does; but now the People are grown to this pass, that they are Lyons at home, and Foxes abroad: For my part, I have eaten up my Cloaths already, and if Corn holds at the rate it does, I shall be for [...]'d to sell House and all: For what will become of us, if neither Gods nor Men pity us? Let me never enjoy my Friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a Fast, or value Jupiter a hair, but shuts his Eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was, when Matrons went bar [...] ­foot with dishevel'd Hair, pure Minds, and pray'd him to send Rain, and [Page 76] forthwith it rained Pitcher-fulls, or then or never, and every one was plea­sed: Now the Gods are no better than Mice; as they tread, their Feet are wrapt in Wooll; and because we are not Su­pestitious your Lands yield nothing.

More Civilly, I beseech ye, said E­chion the Hundred-Constable; it is one while this way, and another while that, said the Country [...]man when he lost his speckled Hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; and thus is Life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a Country is said not to be the better that it has many People in it, tho' ours at present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We must not be so Nice, Heaven is equally di­stant every where; were you in ano­ther place you'd say [...]oggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I think on' [...], we shall have an exc [...]ll [...]nt Show these Holy-days, a [...]n [...]ing-Prize exhibit [...]d to the P [...]opl [...]; not of Slav [...]s bought for that purpos [...], but most of them Free­men. Our Patron T [...]us has a large Soul, but a very Devil in his Drink, and cares not a straw which side gets the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a right [Page 77] breed both by Father and Mother, no Mungril. They are well provided with Weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the Theatre will look like a But­chers Shambles, and he has wherewith­al to do it; his Father left him a vast Sum, and let him make Ducks and Drakes with it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the reputation of it. He has his Waggon Horses, a Woman-Carter, and Glyco's Steward, who was taken a-bed with his Mistress; what a busle's here between Cuckolds and Cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a Money-Broker, condemned his Steward to [...]ight with Beasts; and what was that but to expose himself for another? where lay the Servant's Crime, who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be brain'd, than the Bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the Arse, Thrashes at the Pack-Saddle: yet how could Glyco expect Hermogine's Daugh­ter should make a good End? she'd have pared the Claws of a flying Kite; A Snake does not bring forth a Halter: Glyco might do what he would with his own; but it will be a Brand on him as long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell [Page 78] blot it out; however, every Man's faults are his own. I perceive now what Entertainment Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at Twopence Charges for me and my Company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of fa­vour; for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what good has he done us? He gave us a com­pany of pittiful Sword-players, but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have fallen of them­selves: I have seen many a better at a Funeral Pile; he would not be at the Charge of Lamps for them; you'd have taken them for Dunghil Cocks fighting in the dark; one was a downright Fool, and withal Gouty; another Crump­footed, and a third half dead, and Ham­strung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a Figure, and kept up to the Rule of Fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed Rabble, but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a Show, and I clap my hands for Company; but cast up the Account, I gave more than I received; one Hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem [Page 79] to tell me what would that troublesome Fellow be at; because you that can speak, and do not, you are not of our Form, and therefore ridicule what poor Men say; tho', saving the repute of a Scholar, we know you are but a meer Fool. Where lies the matter then? let me perswade you to take a walk in the Country, and see our Cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a Chicken, some Eggs, or the like: The Tempest [...]ous Season had like to have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the Belly. Your Scholar, my Boy Cicero, is migh­tily improved, and if he lives, you [...]l have a Servant of him; he is prety for­ward already, and whatever spare time he has, never off a Bock: H [...]'s a witty Lad [...] well-featur'd, takes a thing with­out much study, tho' y [...]t he be sick­ly: I killed three of his Linnets the other day, and told him the W [...]a [...]ls had [...]aten them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pritty knack at Painting: He has a perf [...]ct a version to Greek, but seems better inclined to Latin; tho' the Master he h [...] now hu­mours him in the other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is s [...]ill c [...]aving more, and will not take [...]ins with [Page 80] any. There is also another of this sort, not much troubled with Learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than he [...] knows himself: He comes to our House on Holidays, and whatever you give him he's contented; I therefore bought the Boy some Ruled Books, because I will have him get a smattering in Accounts and the Law; it will be his own another day: He has Learning enough already, but if he takes back to it again, I design him for a Trade, a Barber, a Parson, or a Lawyer, which nothing but the Devil can take from him: How oft have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my [...]irst begotten, and believe thy Father, what­ever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the Lawyer, if he had not been a Scholar he might have starved; but now see what Trinkums he has about his N [...]k, and dares Nos [...] Narbanus. Letters are a Treasure, and a Trade never dies.

Thus, or the lik [...], we were bandy­ing it about, when T [...]imalchio return'd, and having wip'd th [...] Slops from his Face, wash'd his Hand [...], and in a very little time, Pardon me, my [...]riend [...], said he, I have been co [...]tive for s [...]v [...]ral days, and my Physicians were to s [...]k about [Page 81] it, when a Suppository of Pomegranate Wine, with the Liquor of a Pine-tree and Vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my Belly may be ashamed if it keep no better Order; for otherwise I have su [...]h a rumbling in my Guts, you'd think an Ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he need not blush for the matter; ther [...]'s not one of us born without some defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter himself can­not prevent: And do you laugh, Fortu­nata, you that break me so o [...]ten of my sleep by Nights; I never denyed any Man to do that in my Room might plea­sure himself, and Physicians will not allow us to keep any thing in our Bo­dies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next Room: Wa­ter, Chamber-pots, Close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me, this being hard-bound, if it get into the Head, disturbs the whole Body; I have known many a Man lost by it, when they have been so modest to them­selves as not to tell what they ailed.

[Page 82] We thank'd him for his freeness, and the Liberty he gave us, when yet to suppress our Laughter, we set the Glas­ses about again; nor did we yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to clamber another Hill; for the Cloth being again taken away, upon the next Musick were brought in Three fat Hogs with Col­lars and Bells about their Necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one was Two Years old, the o­ther Three, and the third full grown. I took it at first to have been a Com­pany of Tumblers, and that the Hogs, as the manner is, were to have shewn us some Tricks in a Ring, 'till Trimal­chio breaking my expectation, Which of them, said he, will ye have for Sup­per? for Cocks, Pheasants, and the like Tri [...]les are but Country fare, but my Cooks have Coppers will boil a Calf whole; and therewith commanding a Cook to be called for, he prevented our Choice by ordering him to kill the lar­gest, and with a loud Voice, asked him, Of what rank of Servants in that House he was? to which he answering, Of the forti [...]th: Were you bought, said the other, or born in my House? Neither, [Page 83] said the Cook, but left you by Pausa's Testament. See then, said Trimalchio, that you dress it as it should be, or I'll send you to the Galleys. On which the Cook, advertised of his power, went into the Kitchin to mind his charge.

But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked us if the Wine plea­sed us, if not, said he, I'll have it chan­ged, and if it does, let me see it by your drinking: I thank the Gods I do not buy it, but have every thing that may get an Appetite growing on my own Grounds without the City, which no Man that I know but my self has; and yet it has been taken for Tarraci­no and Taranto. I have a Project to joyn Sicily to my Lands on the Con­tinent, that when I have a mind to go into Africa, I may sail by my own Coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no Causes my self, yet I have had a Share of Letters in my time; and that you may not think me sick of them now, have three Libraries, the one Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was the State of the Questi­on: The Poor and the Rich are Enemies, [Page 84] said Agamemnon: And what is Poor, answered Trimalchio? Spoke like a Gentleman, replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, If it be so, said Trimalchio, where lies the Dis­pute? and if it be not so, 'tis nothing.

While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, I bes [...]ech ye, said he, my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the Twelve Labours of Hercules, or the Story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his Thumb out of Joint with a Mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a Boy; nay, saw my self the Sybil of Cuma hang­ing in a Glass Bottle: And when the Boys asked her, Sybil, what wouldst thou? She answered, I would Die.

He had not yet run to the end of the Rope, when an over-grown Hog was brought to the Table. We all won­dered at the quickness of the thing, and swore a Capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more, because this Hog seemed larger than was the Boar we had a little before: When Tri­malchio looking more intent upon him, What, what, said he, are not his Guts ta­ken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they are not! Bring hither, bring hither this Rogue of a Cook. And when he stood [Page 85] hanging his Head before us, and said, he was so much in haste he forgot it. How, forgot it, cry'd out Trimalchio! Do ye think he has given it no Seasoning of Pepper and Cummin? Strip him: When in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two Tormentors: However, we all interceeded for him, as a fault that might now and then happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like, there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's Ear, This Fellow, sai [...] I, must be a naughty Knave; could any one forget to Bowel a Hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him, if he had served me so with a single Fish. But Trimalchio it seems, had somewhat [...]ls [...] in his Head; for falling a laughing, You, said he, that have so short a Memory, let's see if you can do it now. On which, the Cook having gotten his Coa [...] again, took up a Knife, and with a [...]eigned trembling, ripp'd up the Hogs Belly long and thwart, when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of [...]ogs-Puddings and Sausag [...]s.

[Page 86] After this, as it had been done of it self, the Family gave a Shout, and cry'd out, Health and Prosperity to Caius! The Cook also was presented with Wine, a Silver Coronet, and a drinking Goblet, on a broad Corinthian Plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly view­ing; I am, said Trimalchio, the only Person that has the true Corinthian Vessels.

I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would have told us they had been brought him from Co­rinth: But he better: And perhaps, said he, you'll ask me why I am the only Person that have them. And why, but the Copper-Smith from whom I buy them, is called Corinthus? and what is Corinthian but what is made by Corin­thus? But that ye may not take me for a Man of no Sence, I understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was taken, Hannibal, a cunning Fellow, but withal mischie­vous, made a Pile of all the Brazen, Gold and Silver Statues, and burnt them to­gether, and thence came this mixt Me­tal; which Workmen afterwards car­ried off; and of this Mass made Pla [...] ­t [...]rs, Dishes, and several other things; [Page 87] so that these Vessels are neither this nor that Metal, but made of all of them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I had rather have Glass Ware; and if it were not so subject to breaking, I'd reckon it before Gold; but now it is of no esteem.

There was a Copper-Smith that made Glass Vessels of that pliant hardness, that they were no more to be broken than Gold and Silver ones: It so happened, that having made a Drinking-pot, with a wide Mouth of that kind, but the finest Glass, [...]it for no Man, as he thought, less than Caesar himself; he went with his Present to Caesar, and had admit­tance: The kind of the Gift was prai­sed, the hand of the Workman com­mended, and the d [...]sign of the Giver accepted. He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour, pray'd the Glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it, threw it with such a force against the Paved Floor, that the most solid and firmest Metal could not but have received some hurt thereby. Caesar also was no less amazed [Page 88] at it, than concerned for it; but the other took up the Pot from the Ground, not broken but bulg'd a little; as i [...] the substance of Metal had put on the likeness of a Glass; and therewith ta­king a Hammer out of his Pocket, he hammer'd it as it had been a Brass Ket­tle, and beat out the Bruise: And now the Fellow thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the acquaintance of Cae [...]ar, and the admira­tion of all: But it fell out quite con­trary: Caesar asking him if any one knew how to make this Malleable Glass but himself? And he answering, there was not; the Emperor commanded his Head to be struck off: For, said he, if this Art were once known, Gold and Silver will be of no more esteem than Dirt.

And for Silver, I more than ordina­rily affect it: I have several Water-pots more or less, whereon is the Story how Cassandra killed her Sons, and the dead Boys are so well Embossed, you'd think them real. I have also a drinking Cup left me by an Advocate of mine, where Daedalus puts Niobe into the Trojan Horse, as also that other of Hermerotes; that they may stand as a Testimony, there's truth in Cups, and all this [Page 89] Ma [...]y; nor will I part with what I un­derstand of them at any rate.

While he was thus talking, a Cup dropt out of a Boy's hand; on which, Trimalchio looking over his Shoulder at him, bad him begone, and kill h [...]mself immediately; for, said he, thou art care­less and mind'st not what thou art a­bout. The Boy hung his Lip, and be­sought him; but he said, What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some diffi­cult matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be not careless again: But at last he dis­charged him upon our entreaty. On this the Boy run round the Table and cry'd, Water without doors, and Wine within. We all took the Jest, but more especially Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither.

Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank on the mer­rier; and being within an Ace of quite out, Will none of you, said he, invite my Fortunata to Dance? Believe me, there's no one leads a Country Dance better: And with that, tossing his Hands round his Head, fell to act a Jack-Pud­ding; the Family all the while Singing, [Page 90] Youth it self, most exactly Youth it self; and he had gotten into the middle of the Room, but that Fortunata whisper­ed him, and I believe told him, such Gambols did not become his Gravity: Nor was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what disturbed the pleasure of her Dancing, was his Notaries coming in; who, as they had been the Acts of a Common-Council, read aloud.

VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of Cumanum, Thirty Boys and Forty Girls, brought from the Threshing-floor into the Gra­nay, Five hundred thousand Bushels of Wheat. The same day broke out a Fire in a Pleasure-Garden that was Pompey's, first began in one of his Bay­liffs Houses.

How's this, said Trimalchio! when were those Gardens bought for me? The Year before, answered his Notary, and therefore not yet brought to Account.

At this Trimalchio fell into a Fume; And whatever Lands, said he, shall be [...]ought me hereafter, if I h [...]ar nothing of it in six Months, let them never, I [Page 91] charge ye, be brought to any Account of mine. Then also were read the Orders of the Clerks of the Markets, and the Testaments of his Woodwards, Rangers, and Park-keepers, by which they disinherited their Relations, and with ample praise of him, declare Tri­malchio their Heir. Next that, the Names of his Bayliffs; and how one of them that made his Circuits in the Coun­try, turned off his Wife for having ta­ken her in Bed with a Barber; the Door-keeper of his Baths turn'd out of his Place; the Auditor found short in his Accounts, and the Dispute between the Grooms of his Chamber ended.

At last came in the Dancers on the Rope; and a gorbelly'd Blockhead standing out with a Ladder, comman­ded his Boy to hopp every Round sing­ing, and dance a Jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through burning Hoops of Iron, with a Glass in his Mouth. Trimalchio was the only Person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the Flyers on the high Rope, and Quails; and that all other Creatures and Shows were meer Gewgaws: For, said he [...] I [Page 92] bought once a Sett of Stroulers, and chose rather to make them Merry [...]An­drews than Comedians; and commanded my Bag-piper to Sing in Latin to them.

While he was Chattering all at this rate, a Boy chanced to stumble upon him, on which th [...] Family gave a Shriek, the same also did the Guests; not for such a Beast of a Man, whose Neck they could willingly have seen broken, but for fear the Supper should break up ill, and they be forc'd to wail the death of the Boy.

Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep Groan; and leaning upon his Arm as if it had been hurt, the Physicians ran thick about him, and with the first, Fortunata, her Hair about her Ears, a Bottle of Wine in her Hand, still howl­ing, miserable unfortunate Woman that she was! Undone, undone.

The Boy on the other hand, ran un­der our Feet, and bese [...]ched us to pro­cure him a Discharge: But I was much concern'd, lest our Interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the Cook that had forgotten to Bowel the Hog was still in my thoughts. I be­gan therefore to look about the Room, for fear somewhat or other might [Page 93] drop through the Cieling; while the Servant that had bound up his Arm in white, not Scarlet-colour Flannen, was soundly beaten: Nor was I much out, for instead of another Course, came in an order of Trimalchio's, by which he gave the Boy his Freedom; that it might not be said [...] so Honourable a Person had been hurt by his Slave. We all commended the Action, but chatted among our selves with what little Con­sideration the things of this World were done. You're in the right, said Tri­malchio; nor ought this Accident to pass without Booking; and so calling for the Journal, commanded it to be Entred; and with, as little thought, tumbled out these Verses:

This Epigram gave occasion to talk of the Poets, and Marsus the Trachian carry'd the Bays a long while: till Tri­malchio (turning to some Wit amongst them) I beseech ye, Master of mine, said he, tell me what difference take ye be­tween Cicero the Orator, and Publius the [Page 94] Poet? for my part I think one was more Eloquent, the other the honester Man; for what could be said better than this?

But, now we talk after the rate of the Learned, which, said he, are the most difficult Trades? I think a Physici­an and a Banker: A Physitian, because he knows a Man's very heart, and when [Page 95] the Fits of an Ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by their good will I should have no­thing but Slubber-slops: And a Banker, because he'll find out a piece of Brass Money, tho' plated with Silver.

There are also brute Beasts, Sheep and Oxen, laborious in their kind: Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the Bread we eat: and Sheep, for the Wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the Mutton, and make us warm with the Fleece. I take the Bees for Divine Creatures; they give us Honey, tho [...] 'tis said they stole it from Jupiter, and that's the reason why they Sting: For where-ever ye meet any thing that's sweet, you'll ever find a Sting at the end of it.

He also excluded Philosophers from business, while the Memoirs of the Family were carrying round the Table, and a Boy, set for that purpose, read aloud the Names of the Presents, ap­pointed for the Guests, to carry home with them. Wicked Silver, what can it not! Then a Gammon of Bacon was set on the Table, and above that several sharp Sauces, a Night-Cap for himself, Pudding-Pies, and I know not [Page 96] what kind of Birds: There was also brought in a Rundlet of Wine, boiled off a third part, and kept under Ground to preserve its strength: There were also several other things I can give no account of; besides Apples, Scallions, Peaches, a Whip, a Knife, and what had been sent him; as Sparrows, a Flye­flap, Raisons, Attick Honey, Night­Gowns, Judges Robes, dry'd Paste, Ta­ble-Books, with a Pipe and a Foot-stool: After which came in an Hare and a Sole­Fish: And there was further sent him a Lamprey, a Water-Rat, with a Frog at his Tail, and a bundle of Beets.

Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now slipt my Memory: But now when Ascyl­tos, who could not moderate himself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so downright, that he was ready to cry: A Free-man of Trimal­chio's that sate next above me, grew hot upon't; And what, said he, thou Sheep, what dost thou laugh at? does not this Sumptuousness of my Master please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may the Guardian of the place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit him a Box [Page 97] on the Ear ere this: A hopeful Culli­on, that mocks others; some pitiful Night-walker, not worth the very Urine he makes; and should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not (so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet Worms are bred even in tender Flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what Wooll did his Fa­ther give for the Bantling? Is he a Ro­man Knight? I am the Son of a King. How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self, and had rather be a Citizen of Rome, than a Tributary King, and now hope to live so, as to be no Man's Jeast. I walk like other Men, with an open Face, and can shew my Head among the best, for I owe no Man a Groat: I never had an Action brought against me, or said to me on the Exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some Acres in the Country, and have every thing suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths, besides Dogs: I ransomed my Bond-Woman, lest another should wipe his Hands on her Smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll tell ye at present. I was made a Captain of Horse gratis, and hope so to die, that I shall have no occasion [Page 98] to blush in my Grave: But art thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self? Canst thou spy a Louse on another Man's Coat, and not see the Tyck on thy own? Your Master then is ancienter than your self, and't please him; but yet thou, whose Milk is not yet out of thy Nose; that can'st not say Boh to a Goose; must you be making Observations? Are you the wealthier Man? If you are, Dine twice, and Sup twice; for my part I value my Credit more than Treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's the Man that e­ver dunn'd me twice? Thou Pipkin of a Man, more limber, but nothing better than a Strap of wet Leather, I have served forty Years in this House, came into it with my Hair full grown; this Palace was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my Ma­ster, a Person of Honour, the parings of whose Nails are more worth than thy whole Body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good Angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make a Hun­ting-Horn of a Sow's Tail, as to get in­to this Company. What makes ye in a Dump now, like a Goat at a heap of Stones?

[Page 99] On this Gi [...]on, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the other taking notice of, fell upon the Boy; and, Do you, said he, laugh too, you curl­pated chattering Magpye? O the Satur­nals! why how now, Sirrah! is it the Month of December? When were you Twenty, I pray? What would this Col­lop dropt from the Gibbe [...], this Crows­meat, be at? I [...]ll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague th [...]e, and him that br [...]d thee no better, or never let me [...]at a good Meals-meat again: I could, Sirrah, but for the Companies sake, I spare thee; tho' either we under­stand not aright, or they are Sots them­selves, that carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, Like Master like Man. I am hot by nature, and can s [...]arce contain my self; give me but a mess of Pease-Porridge, and I care not two-pence for my Mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou Mouse; nay, rather Mole [...]Hill. May I never thrive mor [...], but I'll drive that Master of thine into a blade of Rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape me, tho' thou couldst call in Ju­piter to thy aid: I shall off with those Locks, and take thee when that tri [...]ing [Page 100] Master of thine shall be o [...]t of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that Buffoonry: Tho' thy Beard were of Gold, I'll have thee bruised in a Mortar, and him that first taught thee: I never s [...]udied Geometry, Criticism, and meer words without sense, but I understand the sitting of Stones for Buildings; can run you over a hundred things, as to Metal, Weight, Coin, and that to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll lay thee a Wager, thou Wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of Rhe­torick, thou'lt pr [...]sently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about the Bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, which of us runs, yet s [...]irs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and yet is less. Do you scamper? can't you tell what to make of it, that you look so like a Mouse in a Trap? Therefore either hold thy tongu [...], or don't pro­voke a better Man than thy self, who does not think thee fram'd of Nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow curl'd Locks, which thou hast already vowed to some Whore or other. O lucky Opportunity! come, let's walk [Page 101] the Exchange, and see which of us can take up Money: You'll be satisfied then, this Iron has Credit upon't [...] a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken Fox. So may I gain while I live, and die well; but the People will brain me if I fol­low not that Coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where ever thou goest: He's a precious tool too, who­ever he were, that taught thee; a piece of green Cheese, no Master. I have learn'd as well as another Man, and my Master said it would be my own ano­ther day. Save your Worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vi [...] Estates with them; he that does it, his Purse shall feel it: For my self, that you see me as I am, I thank my Stars for the Art I have.

Ascyltos was making answer to his Railing; when Trimalchio, pleased with that good Grace of speaking, Go to, said he, no more of this wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Her­meros, bear with the Young-man, his Blood boils; be thou the soberer Man; he that is overcome in this matter, goes off Conqueror: Even thy self, when [Page 102] thou wert such another Capon, hadst nothing but Coco, Coco, and no heart at all. Let us therefore, which is the bet­ter of the two, be heartily Merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here presently.

Nor were the words scarc [...] out of his mo [...]th, when in came a band of Men, and made a rus [...]ling with th [...]ir Spears and Targets. Trimalchio l [...]aned on his Pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek Verses, as, arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin Book with a lo [...]d voice: whereupon Silence being made, Know ye, said he, what Fable they were upon?

Diomedes and Ganymede were two Brothers, and Helen was their Sister; Agam [...]mnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a Hind in his room, as says Homer in this place; and how the Tro­ [...]ans and the Parentines fought among themselves; but at last he got the bet­ter of it, and married his Daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run Mad. And there's an end of the Tal [...].

On this the Homerists set up a Sho [...]t, and a young boiled Heifer with an Hel­m [...]t on her Head, was handed in upon [Page 103] a mighty Charger: Ajax followed, and with a drawn Sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris­dancer; till having cut it into Joints, he took them upon the point of his Sword, and distribu [...]ed them. Nor had we much time to admire the Conceit; for of a sudden the Roof gave a crack, and the whole Room shook: For my part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some T [...]mbler might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the Guests; still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the Clouds: when straight the main Beams opened, and a vast Circle was let down, all round which hung Golden Garlands, and Alabaster Pots of sweet Ointments.

While we were required to take up these Presents, I chanced to cast an eye upon the Table, where there lay a fresh Service of Cheese-cakes and Tarts, and in the midst of them a l [...]sty Rundlet, stuck round with all sorts of Apples and Grapes, as they commonly draw that Figure.

We greedily reached our Hands to­wards it, when of a sudden, a new Di­version gave us fresh Mirth; for all the [Page 104] Cheese-cakes, Apples and Tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid Perfume, which fell upon us.

We judging the Mess to be Sacred, that was so gorgeously set out, stood up and began a Health to the August Founder, the Father of his Country: Af­ter which Reverence, falling to catch that catch could, we filled our Napkin [...], and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my Boy Gito.

During this, in came three Boys in White, their Coats tuck'd about them; of whom, two set on the Table three Houshold Gods with Broaches about their Necks, and the other bearing round us a Goblet of Wine, cry'd aloud, Be the Gods Favourable! The Name of this, said he, is Cobl [...]r, that other's Good­luck, and the third's Spend-all: And as the Image of Trimal [...]hio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the Company.

After this, when all of us [...]had wished him Health and Happiness, Trimalchio turning to Ni [...]ros, You were wont, said he, to be a good Companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye [...]w? Let me entreat ye, as you would [Page 105] see me Happy, do not break an old Custom.

Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his Friend: Let me never thrive, said he, if I am not ready to caper out of my Skin, to see you in so good a Humour; therefore what I say shall be all Mirth; tho' I am afraid those Grave Fopps may laugh: but let them look to't, I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any ones Swearing? I had ra­ther they laugh at what I say, than at my self.

Thus when he spake—he began this Tale—

While I was yet a Servant we liv'd in a narrow Lane, now the House of Gavilla: There, as the Gods would have it, I fell in Love with Tarentius's Wife; he kept an Eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa Tarentina, a pretty little Punching-block, and withal Beautiful; but (so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any thing, she never de­ny'd me; and what Money I had, I trusted her with it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so hap­pened, that a She-companion of hers [Page 106] had dy'd in the Country, and she was gone thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a Friend is seen at a dead lift; it also happened my Ma­ster was gone to Capua to dispatch some­what or other: I laid hold of the op­portunity, and persuaded mine Host to take an Evenings Walk of four or five Miles out of Town, for he was a stout Fellow, and as bold as the Devil: The Moon shone as bright as Day, and about Cock-crowing we fell in with a Bury­ing-place, and certain Monuments of the Dead: my Man loitered behind me a Star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a Singing and numbring them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine Host stript stark-naked, and his Cloat [...]s lying by the High-way-side. The sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he Piss'd round his Cloaths, and of a sud­den was turned to a Wolf: Don't think I Jest; I value no Man's Estate at that rate, as to tell a Lye. But as I was say­ing, after he was turned to a Wolf, he set up a Howl, and fled to the Woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to take up his Cloaths, I found them also turn'd to Stone. Another [Page 107] Man would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my Sword, and slaying all the Ghosts that came in my way, light­ed at last on the place where my Mi­stress was: I entred the first Door; my Eyes were sunk in my Head, the Sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming up to me, began to won­der why I'd be walking so late; and if, said she, you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; for a Wolf came into the Farm, and has made Butchers work enough among the Cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a Servant of ours ran him through the Neck with a Pitch-fork. As soon as I had heard her, I could not [...]old open my Eyes any longer, and ran home by Day­light, like a Vintner whose House had been robb'd: But coming by the place where the Cloaths were turned to Stone, I saw nothing but a Puddle of Blood; and when I got home, found mine Host lying a [...]bed like an Oxe in his Stall, and a Chirurgeon [...]ressing his Neck. I un­derstood af [...]wards he was a Fellow that could change his Skin; but from [Page 108] that day forward, could never eat a bit of Bread with him, no, if you'd have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of it; may your good Angels plague me as I tell ye a Lye.

The Company were all wondring, when, Saving what you have said, quoth Trimalchio, if there be faith in Man, my Hair stands on end, because I know Niceros is no Trifler; he's sure of what he says, and not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self; but see there, what's that behind the Hangings?

When I was yet a long-hair'd Boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant Life, I had a Minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a Pearl, a Para­gon, nay Perfection it self: But when the poor Mother lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some Witches got round the House on a sud­den, you'd have taken them for Hounds hunting a Hare. We had then in the House a Cappadocian, a tall Fellow, stout and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for Jupiter. He boldly drew his Sword, and wrapping his Coat about his left Arm, leaped out of the [Page 109] House, and as it might be here, (no hurt to the thing I touch) ran a Wo­man clean through. We heard a pit­tiful Groan, but not to Lye, saw none of them. Our Champion came in and threw himself on a Bed, but all black and blue, as he had been thrash'd with Flails; for it seems some ill Hand had touched him. We shut the Door, and went on with our Mourning; but the Mother taking her Son in her Arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a Bolster of Straw; it had neither Heart, Entrals, nor any thing, for the Fairies belike had stollen him out of his Cradle, and left that of Straw instead of him. Give me Credit, I beseech ye, Women are craftier than we are, play their Tricks by Night, and turn every thing Topsy-turvy. After this our tall Fellow never came to his Colour again, but in a few days died Raving-mad.

We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the Table in reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the Night, and that our Places might be kept till we returned.

And now we thought the Lamps look'd double, and the whole Room seem'd quite another thing; when Trimalchio [Page 110] again, I speak to you Plorimus, won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing? thou usedst to be a pleasant Companion, couldst sing a Song and tell a Tale with the best; but Alas! alas! the Sweet­meats are gone. My Horses, said the other, ran away with my Coach, I have been troubled with the Gout ever since. When I was a young Fellow, I Sung so long I had well nigh brought my self into a Consumption. What do ye tell me of Songs, Tales, or Barbers Shops? Who ever came near me but one, only Apelles; and with setting his Hand to his Mouth, Whistled out somewhat, [...] know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek. Trimalchio also when he mimicked the Trumpets, looked on his Minion and [...]alled him Cr [...]esus: Yet the Boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up a little black Bitch with nasty Teeth, and overgrown with Fat, in Green Swadling-Clouts, he set half a Loaf on the Table, which she refusing, he cram'd her with it: On which Trimalchio com­manded the Guardian of his House and Family, Scylax, to be brought; when presently was led in a beautiful Mastiff in a Chain, who having a hint given [Page 111] him by a knock of the Porter's Foot, lay down before the Table: whereup­on Trimalchio throwing him a Manchet; There's no one, said he, in this House of mine, loves me better than this Dog. The Boy taking it in dudgeon that Scy­lax should be so commended, laid the Bitch on the Floor, and challenged the Dog to have a Rubbers with him. On this Scylax, after the manner of Dogs, set up such a hideous Barking, that it fill'd the Room; and snapping at him, almost rent off a Brooch that hung on Crasus's Breast; nor did the Scuffle end here, for the great Candle being over­turn [...]d on the Table, broke all the Chry­stal Glasses, and threw the scalding Oil on the Guests.

Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the Boy, and command­ed him to get on his Back; nor was it long e're he was a Cock-horse, and slap­ping his Masters Shoulders, and laugh­ing, cry'd out, Fool, fool, and how ma­ny of them have [...]e here?

Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a Bumper to be fill'd and given round to the Waiters, with this further, That whoever refused it should have it poured down his Collar. [Page 112] Thus one while we were Grave, and other while Merry.

After this came Junkets and made Dishes, the very remembrance of which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were several cram'd Hens given about under the notion of Thrushes, and Goose Eggs with Caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor with­out Ostentation, press'd us to Eat; ad­ding withal, that their Bones were ta­ken out.

Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a Beadle rapp'd at Door, and one in White, with a com­pany of Roisters following him, came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his Lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a Town, and our selves within his Liberties, was get­ting upon my Feet. Agamemnon laught to see me so concerned, and bade me sit still; for, said he, this Habinias is a Captain of Horse, a good Mason, and has a special faculty in making Monu­ments.

Recovered again with his words, I kept my Seat, and wholly fix'd my Eye on Habinias: He came in Drunk, and lolling on his Wife's Shoulders, with [Page 113] some Garlands about him, his Face all trickling down with Ointment, he seat­ed himself at the head of the Table, and incontinently called for Wine and hot Water.

Trimalchio was pleased with the Hu­mour, and calling for a bigger Glass, asked him what Entertainment he had whence he came?

Every thing, said the other, but [...]hy self; for my inclination was here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a Nine [...]days Feast for his Ser­vant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after he was dead: It is said he had a round Sum in the Chequer, for they reckon he died worth 50000 Sesterces; yet this was all done in good order, tho' every of us were obliged to pour half his Drink on the Grave.

But, said Trimalchio, what had ye to Eat? I'll tell ye, quoth Habinas, as near as I can, for my Memory is not so good, but that sometimes I forget my own Name: However, for the first Dish we had a goodly Porker, with a Garland upon him, and Puddings, Goose Giblets, Lamb-stones, Sweetbreads, and Gizzards round him; there were also Bee [...]s, and Houshold-Bread of his [Page 114] own baking, for himself, which I had rather have than White; it makes a Man strong, and I never complain of what I like. The next was a cold Tart, with excellent warm Honey, and that Spanish, running upon it. I [...]at little of the Tart, but more of the Honey; I tasted also the red Pulse, and Lupines, by the advice of Calvus, and several Apples, of which I took away two in my Hand­kerchief; for if I bring home nothing to my little she Slave, I shall have Snubs enough: this Dame of mine puts me often in mind of her. We had also on a Side-Table the Hanch of a Bear, which Scintilla tasting ere she was a­ware, had like to have thrown up her Guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought it tasted like B [...]ars flesh; and said I, if a Bear eats a Man, why may not a Man much more eat a Bear? To be short, we had Cream Cheese, Wine boil'd o [...]f to a third part, fry'd Snails, Chitterlings, Livers, Eggs, Turneps, Mustard, and a Bowl that held a Gallon. Don't distu [...]b me Palame­des; there were also handed about a Bas­ket of Sugar-Cakes, of which we wanton­ly [...]ook some, and sent away the Gammon of B [...]con. But [...]ell me Cai [...]s, I beseech [Page 115] you, what's the matter that Fortunata sits not among us? How came you to know her? quoth Trimalchio; for till she has gotten her Plate together, and distributed what we leave among the Servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth.

But unless she [...]its down, replied Ha­binas, I'll be gone; and was getting up, but that the word being four times gi­ven about for her, she came at last in a greenish Gown and a Cherry-colour'd Stomacher, beneath which might be seen her Petticoat and Embroidered Garters; then wiping her Hands on her Neckcloth, she [...]ate on that Bed where­on Scintilla the Wife of Habinas was; and having given [...]er a Kiss, told her, it was in Compliment to her that she was there. At length it came to this, that she took o [...]f her weigh [...]y Bracelets, and shewed them to Scintilla; which she admiring, she also unbuckled her Garters and a Net-work Purse, which she said was of the finest Gold.

Trimalchio observed it, and command­ing all to be laid before him, See, said he, this Womans Finery, and what Fools our Wives make us; they should be Six Pound and a half; yet I've another of [Page 116] Mercury's making, that weighs Ten: And that he might not be thought to tell a Lye, called for his Gold Scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor had Scintilla more Wit than t'other, for pulling a Golden Box out of her Bosom, which she called Good luck, she took out of it two large Pearl Pen­dants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view: See, quoth she, what 'tis to have a kind Husband, I am sure no Woman has better. What, said Habinas, hast thou put the Sham on me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with Glass Beads; and for this trick, if I had a Daughter I'd cut off her Ears; tho' were there no Women what were the rest worth? This it is to piss warm and drink cold.

Mean time the Women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among them­selves, and being got Drunk, fell to kissing one another; one commended the Mistress of the House, t'other the Master: when during this chatter, Ha­binas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss on the Bed, that her Heels flew as high as her Head, on which she gave a squeak or two, and finding her Thighs bare, ran her Head under Scintilla's Smock.

[Page 117] This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second Service to [...]ntertain his new Guests, the Servants took away the Tables that were before us, and ha­ving brought others, strew'd the Room with Pin-dust, mixt with Vermillion and Sa [...]ron; and, what I never saw before, the Dust of a Looking [...]glass ground to Powder.

When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, I could have been contented with those first Dishes; but since we have got o­ther Tables, we must also have another Service; and if there be any thing worth our having, bring it.

On which, a spr [...]ce Boy that served us with warm Water, began to imitate a Nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a Servant that waited on Habi­nas, set up another Humour, and, as I believe, commanded by his Master, nois'd out;

Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my Ear; for besides his disordered Country Tone, his pitiful and starvling way of delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of Verses, that even Virgil then first [Page 118] disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no longer; D'ye think, said Habinas, this Boy has learn'd no­thing? I bred him with Juglers that follow the Fair: Nor has he his fel­low, whether he humours a Muliteer or a Jester. This never-be-good has abun­dance of Wit; he's a Taylor, a Cook, a Baker, a Jack of all Trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's crack-brain'd, and s [...]ores in his sleep: For that cast of his Eye I value it not, he looks like Venus, and there­fore his Tongue is ever running; and were that Eye out he were worth the Money I gave for him.

On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty Man, for not telling all his Servan [...]s good qualities: He's a [...]imp, s [...]id he, if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that.

Trimal [...]hio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never beguiled himself of any thing, and (so help me Hercules) I commend him [...]or't: when will you find such another, but, Scintil­la, you must not be jealous: Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the health you wish me, as I play'd at Leap-frog so long with our [Page 119] Boy, that my Master grew jealous, and sent me to Dig in the Country: But hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a Loaf.

Hereupon the Ra [...]al, as if he had been praised all this while, took o [...]t an Earthen Candlestick, and for half an hour or bet­ter, counter [...]eited the Hautboys, Habinas singing the [...]ase to him, and [...]labbering his under Lip with his Finger; that done, he went into [...]he middle of the Room, and clattering so [...]e Canes together, one while imitated the Bagpipes, and danced a Jigg to it; and o [...]her while with a ragged Frock and a Whip, humour'd a Fellow driving his M [...]les; till Habinas having called him, first kis [...]'d him, and then drank to him, which the other pledged; and wishing him better and bet­ter, I give you, said he, a pair of Bus [...]ins.

Nor had there ever been an end of this Trumpery, had not that last Service of Blackbirds, baked in good Pie-Crust with Raisins and Chessnuts, been brought up, and after them Quince [...]Peaches, so stuck with prickles, that they look'd like Hedg [...]hogs: Yet this might have been born with, if the next [...]ish had not been such, that we had rather have starved than touch'd it: For wh [...]n it was [...]et upon the Table, an [...] as we [Page 120] thought, a fat Goose, with Fishes and all kind of Fowl round it, whatever you see here, said Trimalchio is all made of the same substance.

I, like a cunning Cur, straight ap­prehended what it migh [...] be; and turn­ing to Agamemnon, I marvel, said I, whether they be all mash'd together or made of Loam; for in a Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a Supper.

Nor had I scarce said it, when—quoth Trimalc [...]io, let me so grow in Estate, not Bulk, as my Cook made all this out of one Hog; there is not an excellenter Fellow than himself; he shall, if ye please, make ye a Poll of Ling of a Sows Tripe; a Wood-Culver of fat Bacon; a Turtle of a Spring of Pork; and a Hen of a Collar of Brawn; and therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a Name proper to him, for he is called Daedalus: And because he un­derstands his business, I had Chopping­Knives of the best Steel brought him from Rome; and with that, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and ad­miring them, offered us the liberty of trying their Edge on his Che [...]k.

[Page 121] On this came in two Servants as quarrelling about their Collars, at which each of them had a large [...]arthen Pot hanging; and when Trimalchio deter­mined the matter between them, nei­ther of them stood to his Sentence, but fell to Club-Law, and broke each o­thers Pots.

This Drunken Presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on the Combatants, we saw Oisters and Scallops running from the Pots, and another Boy receiving them in a Char­ger, which he carried round the Guests.

Nor was the Cook's Ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a Dish of grill'd Snails on a Silver Gridiron, and with a shrill unpleasant Voice, Sang as he went. I am asham'd of what fol­low'd; for, what was never heard of till then, the Boys came in with a Bason of liquid Perfumes, and first binding our Legs, Ancles and Feet, with Gar­lands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the Wine Vessel and the Lamps.

And now Fortunata began to Dance, and Scintilla's Hands went faster than her Tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, Sit down Philargyrus, I give ye leave, and you Carrio, because you're a Green-Ribbon-Man, [Page 122] and you Minophilus bid your Comrade do the like; what shall I say more? The Family so crouded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our Beds; and who should be seated above me, but the Cook who had made a Goose of a Hog, all [...]tinking of Pickle and Kitchen-stuff; nor yet content that he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to Personate Thespis the Tragedian, and dare his Master to a Wager which of them two should win the Prize next Wrestling.

Trimalchio abash'd at the Challenge; My Friends, said he, even Servants are Men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, sucked the same Milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make them Free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all of them by my last Will and Testa­ment.

I give Philargyrus a Country Farm, and his she-Comrade; to Carrio an Island, with a twentieth part of my Moveables, a Bed and its Furniture; for I make For­tunata my Heiress, whom I recommend to all my Friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my Family may so love me now, as if I were dead.

[Page 123] All thanked their Master for his kind­ness; and he, as having forgotten trifles, called for a Copy of his Will, which he read from one end to the other, the Family all the while sighing and sob­bing; afterwards turning to Habinas, Tell me, my best of Friends, said he, do you go on with my Monument as I di­rected ye? I earnestly entreat ye, that at the Feet of my Statue you Carve me my little Bitch, as also Garlands and Ointments, and all the Battles I have been in, that by your kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an hundred Feet as it fronts the High-way, and as it looks towards the Fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of Fruit and Vines round my Ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross mistake to furnish Houses for the Li­ving, and take no care of th [...]se we are to abide in for ever: And there­fore in the first place, I will have it Engraven [...]

LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRE­TEND TO THIS MONUMENT.

[Page 124] And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a Codicil annext to my Will, whereby I'll appoint one of my Freed-men the Keeper of this Monument, that the People make not a House-of-Office of it. Make me also, I beseech you, on this my Monu­ment, Ships under full Sail, and my self in my Robes sitting on the Bench, with five Gold Rings on my Fingers, and scattering Moneys among the com­mon People; for you know I have ordered ye a Funeral Feast, and Two­pence a-piece in Money. You shall also, if you think [...]it, shape me some of these Beds we now sit on, and all the People making their Court to me. On my right hand place my Fortunata's Statue, with a Dove in one hand, and leading a little Dog in her Girdle with the other: As also my Cicero, and large Wine Vessels close Cork'd that the Wine don't run out, and yet Carve one of them as brok [...]n, and a Boy weeping over it; as also a Sun-Dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see what's a-Clock, may read my Name whether he will or no. And lastly, have a special consideration whether you think this Epitaph sufficient enough: [Page 125] HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED [...]IMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT LEFT BE­HIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS E­STATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER. FAREWEL TO YOU ALSO.

This said, Trimal [...]hio wept plentiful­ly, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept, and the whole Family s [...]t up a cry as it had been his Funeral; nay, I also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, Since you know we must di [...], why don't we live while we may? so l [...] me live my self to see you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the [...]h we shall not rep [...]nt it: At [...]y [...] [...]e i [...]; I'll lead the way, for thi [...] [...] is grown as hot as an Ov [...]n. Sa [...] you so, quo [...]h Habi [...]a [...], no [...] [...]m [...] a [...]aid [...]o make two [Page 126] days of one; and therewith got up bare­foot and follow'd Trimalchio.

I on the other hand turning to As [...]yl­tos, asked him what he thought of it, for if I but see the Bath I shall swoon away.

Let's lagg behind then, said he, and whilst they are getting in, we'll slip off in the Crowd.

The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the Por­tico, we came to the last Gate, where a chained Dog bolted upon us so furi­ously, that Ascyltos fell into the Fish­Pond. I who had been frighted at the painted Dog, and now gotten as Drunk as Ascyltos, while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the Porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the Dog and drew us out; but Gito, like a sharp Rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had been given him at Supper to carry home with him, he threw it the Dog, and that mollified him.

But, when shivering with cold, we desired the Porter to let us out: You're mistaken, said he, if ye think to go ou [...] the same way ye came in, for no Guest ere yet did; they came in at one Ga [...] and are let out by another.

[Page 127] In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found our selves in a new kind of Labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already: However, necessi­ty enforcing us, we pray'd him to shew us the way to the Bath: and Gito ha­ving hung out our Cloaths a drying in the Porch, we entred the Bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the Earth, not unlike a Rain-water Cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked: Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better than to bathe in a Crowd; and that very place had in times past been a Grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd by the noisiness of the Bath, set up his drunken Throat, and fell a murdering some Songs of Mene­crates, as they that understood him told us.

Other Guests ran round the Cistern with their Arms across, and made a clamorous slap with their Mouths; o­thers either try'd to take up a Ring from the Pavement, with their Hands bound behind them, or putting one Knee to the ground, to kiss their great Toes backward.

[Page 128] While they thus entertained one ano­ther, we went into the Hot-house that had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our Drunken­ness, were brought into another Room, where Fortunata had set out a fresh Entertainment. Above the Lamps I observed some Womens Gewgaws. The Tables were massy Silver, the Earthen Ware double gilt, and a Conduit run­ning with Win [...]; when, quoth Trimal­chio, This day, my Friends, a Servant of mine opened a Barber's Shop; he's well to pass, a thri [...]ty Fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the Floor have a drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till day-light.

While he was yet speaking, a Cock crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew dis­ordered, and commanded the Win [...] to be thrown under Table, and sprinkle the Lamps with it; then changing a Ring to his right Hand, it is not for nothing, said he, this Trumpeter has given us notice; for either the House should be on [...]ire, or one of the Neighbourhood will kill himself: Far from us be it, and there­fore whoever brings me this discoverer, I'll give him a reward.

[Page 129] When immediately a Cock was brought in, and Trimalchio commanding to have him drest, he was torn in pieces by that exquisite Cook, who a little be­fore had made us Fish and Fowl of a Hog, and put in a Stew-pan, and while Daedalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata ground Pepper.

After which Trimalchio taking some of the Banquet, bid the Waiters go to Supper, and let others supply their places.

Whereupon came in another rank of Servants, and as the former going cry'd out, Farewel, Cai [...]s, those coming in cry'd out, Sit thou merry, Caius.

And here our Mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful Boy coming in among those new Servants, Trimalchio plucked the Boy to him, and did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereup­on Fortunata to maintain her right, be­gan to Rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful Fellow, one that could not bridle his Lust, shame and dishonour to an ho­nest Woman, and a very Dog. Trimal­chio on the other hand, all confounded and vex'd at her Taunts, threw a Gob­let at her Head: She fell a roaring as if she had lost an Eye, and clapt both her Hands before it.

[Page 130] Scintilla also stood amazed, and co­vered Fortunata all trembling as she was, in her Bosom; the Boy also put a cold Pitcher to her Cheek, on which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing.

But Trimalchio quite contrary; for, said he, what am I the better for this grace­less Buttock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a Bawdy-house, and made her an honest Woman, but now blown up like a Frog [...]he bespatters her self; a very Block, no Woman: But this poor Boy born in a Hovel, never dreams of Palaces. May my good Genius so be­friend me, as I'll bring down this seeming Saint, but in her actions a Whore ram­pant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a Wife with Two hun­dred and fifty thousand Pistols; you know I don't Lye; but she was some­what in years, and Agatho the sweet Oil-man, persuaded me not to let my Name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put a Thorn in my own Foot; but I'll have a care that [...]he dig me not out of my Grave with her Nails: And that she may know what I'll do at present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her Statue in my Monument, that [Page 131] I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die. After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger; There's none of us all, said he, but some time or other does amiss; we are but Men, no Gods. Weeping Scin­tilla said the same, called him Caius, and by his own good nature, be [...]ought him to be paci [...]ied.

Trimalchio not able to hold Tears any longer, I beg of you, Habinas, said he, and as you wish to enjoy what you have got [...]en, if I have done any thing without cause, spit in my [...]ace: I kiss'd the Boy 'tis true, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thri [...]ty Lad: He has several Sentences by heart, can r [...]ad a Book at first sight; saves Money ou [...] of his days Provision; has a Binn of his own to keep it, and two drinking Cups; and does he not deserve to be in my Eye? but Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy Legs won't away with it. Be content with your own, thou she­Kite, and don't disquiet me, thou Har­lotry, or otherwise thou'lt [...]ind what I am; thou knowest well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll re­member the living.

[Page 132] Come my Friends, let's see how Mer­ry ye can be, for in my time I have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what I am: 'Tis the Heart makes a Man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy cheap and [...]ell dear; ano­ther Man may [...]ell ye other things, but I enjoy my self: And thou Dunghil­raker, art thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye hereafter do it for somewhat.

But as I was saying my Frugality brought the fortune I have: I came out of Asia no taller than this Candlestick, and daily measured my self by it: and that I might get a Beard the sooner, rubb'd my Lips with the Candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my Master four­teen Years (nor is any thing dishonou­rable that the Master commands) and the same time contented my Mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no more, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the Gods would have it, the governing the House was committed to me, and nothing was done but by my guidance: What need many words? He made me Joint-heir with Caesar, and I had by it a Senator's Estate; but no Man thinks he has enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn Merchant. Not to detain you longer; I built five [Page 133] Ships, Freighted them with Wines, which at that time were as dear as Gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I desired to have it so: All my Ships Founder'd at Sea; 'tis a great truth, no Story; Nep­tune swallowed me in one day Three hundred thousand Se [...]terties. Do ye think I broke upon't, (so help me Her­cules) no; the Loss was but a Flea-bi [...]e: For, as if there had been no such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than the former; so that every one called me a Man of Courage. As you know a great Ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with Wine, Bacon, Bea [...]s, Unguents, Plan [...]s: And here Fortunata shewed her affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very Cloaths, and put a round Sum in my Pocket; tho' yet it was but a Pig of my own Sow. What the Gods will is quick­ly done; I got an hundred thousand Sesterties by the Voyage, and forthwith redeemed the Lands my Patron had left me, built me a House, bought Cattle to sell them again, and whatever I went about gathered like a Snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all the Country besides, I took up, and from a Merchant turn'd Usurer, and bought Servants.

[Page 134] Thus resolved to give over Trading, a certain Astrologer that chanc'd to light on this Village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He was a Gr [...]aeian, his Name Saerapa, on [...] that held Cor­respondence with the Gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid e­very thing before me from top to bot­tom: He knew all I had within me, and told me what I had the Night before to Supper; you'd have thought he had liv'd with me all his life.

I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the Intrigue between my Mistress and me; That I had but ill luck at Friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I had large Poss [...]ssions, but nourish­ed a Viper in my Bosom: Why should I not tell you all? I have by his Account, thirty Years, four Months, and two Days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another Estate left me.

Thus my Fortune-teller. But if I can join my Lands here to those in Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my Guardian, I have built this House: it was once you know, a pitiful Cabbin, but now as Magnificent as a Temple: it has four Dining Rooms, [Page 135] twenty Bed-Chambers, two Marble Por­ticoes, a Gallery above Stairs, my own Apartment, another for this Viper; a very good Porter's Lodge, and the House capable of receiving a thousand Guests: To be short, when ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own House, tho' it lie to the Seaward: and many other Conveniencies it has, which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, He that has a penny in his Purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be e­steemed. And so your Friend, once no better than a Frog, is now a King.

And now Stichus bring me the Furni­ture in which I design to be carried to my Funeral Pile; bring also the Unguent, and some of that Pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my Bones.

Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white Coverlet, and Robe of State, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine Wooll, and well Woven. And see you Stichus, said Trimalchio smiling, that nei­ther Mice nor Moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I will be brought out in Pomp, that all the People may speak well of me.

With that opening a Glass Bottle of Spicknard, he caused us all to be Anointed; [Page 136] and I hope, said he, it will do as much good when I am dead, as it does while I am living: Then commanding the Wine Vessels to be filled again; Fansie, said he, you are invited to my Funeral Feast. We by this time nauseated, were ready to Vomit; Trimalchio also was got­ten confoundedly Drunk, when behold a new Interlude; he called for the Coro­nets to come in; and, underset with Pillows, and stretching himself at length on the Bed, suppose me, said he, now dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me.

Whereupon the Coronets sounded as it had been at a Funeral; but one above the rest, a Servant of that Freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was the best con­dition'd of 'em all, made such a thun­dring, that it rais'd the Neighbour­hood: On which the Watch thinking the House was on fire, broke open the Gate, and making an Uproar after their manner, ran in with Water and Hat­chets: When finding so fair an oppor­tunity, we gave Agamemnon the slip, and seamper'd off, as it had been a real Fire.

NOT a Star appear'd to direct us in our way, nor would the dead of the Night give us hopes of meeting a Stranger that could; with these, the Wine we had drank, and our ignorance of the place, even in the day time, conspir'd to mis-direct us. When we had wander'd almost an hour, with our Feet all bloody, over sharp pebbles and broken hills of gravel, Gyto's diligence at last deliver'd us: for the day before, fearing we might be at a loss, [Page 2] tho' we had the Sun to our help, he had providently mark'd every Post and Pil­lar with a Chalk, the greatest darkness was not able to obscure, by whose shine­ing whiteness we found our way. But we had as many fears after we got to an Inn; for the Hostess, having drank a little too long with her Guests, had so intirely lost her S [...]ns [...]s, a burning could not have made her feel; that, per­haps, we had been forc'd to have taken up our Lodging i [...] [...]he Street, if a Letter­Carrier that belong'd to Trimalchio, with ten Carriages of his Master's Revenue, had not come in the mean time; who without much ado beat down the door, and let us in at the same gap.

After we enter'd the Bed-Chamber, h [...]ving plentifully [...]easted; prest by impa­ [...]ient Na [...]ure, I [...]ook my Gyto aside; and, w [...]apt in Pl [...]asur [...]s, spent the Night.

[Page 3] 'Tis without Reason I hug my self; for Ascyltos, the cause of all my Misfor­tunes, seeing me Drunk, and incapable to hold my Prize, stole the Boy from my Bed, and conveying him to his own, freely injoy'd another's Right: Gyto, not sensible of the change, or dissembling it, in a Stranger's Arms slept, secure of our mutual Contract. When I arose, find­ing my self robb'd of all; if there's any Truth in a Lover, I had half an inclina­tion to Murder both, and send them snoring into t'other world: But follow­ing a securer Thought, I rais'd Gyto with blows, and looking as sternly as I cou'd upon Ascyltos, thus address'd my self: Since you've play'd the Villain by your Treachery, and breaking the com­mon Laws of Friendship, pack up your Matters quickly, and find another Com­rade to abuse.

Ascyltos consented; and, after we had made an exact division of our Booty; now, says he, let's share the Boy too: I believ'd it a jest at parting, but, he with a Murderous resolution, drew his Sword, nor shall you, added he, think to ingross this prize, which should, like the rest, be common to us both. I must have my share, or with this Sword will be content [Page 4] to take it. Upon which, on the o­ther side, having twisted my gown under my arm, I made advances to Ingage.

The unhappy Boy rush'd between, and, Kissing both our knees, with tears, en­treated, that we would not expose * our selves in a pitiful Alchouse, nor with our blood pollute the Rites of so dear a Friend­ship: but, raising his voice, says he, if there must be Murder, behold my naked bosom, hither direct your fury: 'Tis I deserve death, who violated the sacred Laws of Friendship.

Upon which we sheath'd our Swords; and first Ascyltos, I'll, says he, end the difference: Let the Boy himself follow the man he likes, that, in chusing a Friend, at least, he may have an unque­stion'd liberty.

I, that presum'd so long an acquain­tance, had made no slight impressions on his Nature, was so far from fearing, that with an eager haste I accepted the proffer, and to the Judge committed the dispute: Gyto, that he might not seem to consider, at my consent jump'd up, and Chose Ascyltos.

I, like one thunderstruck, at the sen­tence, void of defence, fell upon the bed; and had not surviv'd the loss, if [Page 5] envy of my Rival had not stopp'd my Sword.

Ascyltos, proud of the conquest, goes off with the Prize, leaving me expos'd in a strange place, that a little before he caress'd as a Friend and sharer of his For­tune.

Nor did I there very long complain, for fearing one Menalaus, an Usher of a School, might, among other Misfortunes, find me alone in the Inn, I made up my Wallet, and, very pensive, took me a Lodging in a private place near the Sea: there, after I had been mewd up for three days, re­flecting afresh on my despis'd and abject condition, I beat my breast, as [...]ick as it was; and, when my deep sighs wou'd suffer me, often cry'd out; Why has not the Earth burst open, and swallow'd me? [Page 6] Why has not the Sea o'rewhelm'd me, that respects not even the Innocent themselves? Have I been a Murderer? when I had violated Lycas's Wife, have I fled justice? have I escap'd even when I was con­demn'd to Dye, to live in a strange place, to have my Name recorded only among Beggars and Vagabonds? and who condemn'd me to this solitude?—A Boy! One who is a prostitute to all man­ner of Lust; and by his own confession deserves to dye; whom Sodomy has enobl'd from a Slave; who was publickly con­tracted with as a Girl, by one that knew he was of the other Sex: and what a wretch is that other, ye Gods! whom, when he might have writ Man, his Mo­ther perswaded even out of his Sex, and putting on Petty-coats, was condemn'd to a Maids Office in a Prison: who, after he had spent what he had, and chang'd the scene of his Lust; having contracted an old Friendship, basely left it; and, front­less impudence! like a hot Whore, for one night's pleasure, sold his Friend. Now the Lovers lye whole nights lockt in each others arms, and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their weary'd Strength, may laugh at me: but they shan't go off so, for if I'm a man, or a [Page 7] freeborn one at least, I'll make their blood compensate the injury.

Having thus said, I girt on my Sword; and le [...]t I shou'd be too weak to maintain the war, encourag'd my self with a lus [...]y Meal, and making out of doors, like one possest, search'd every place: but whilst, with a wild distracted countenance, I thought of nothing but blood and slaugh­ter; and oft with execrations laying my hand on my Sword, a Souldier, perhaps some Cheat or Padder, observ'd me, and making up to me, askt to what Regiment or Com­pany I, his Brother Souldier, belong'd? when, with a good assurance, I had cheat­ed him into a belief of the Regiment and Company; well, but Friend, said he, looking down, do [...] the Souldiers of your Company walk in such shoes? I began to look guilty, and by my trembling dis­cover'd the Lye I had told him: upon which he made me lay down my Arms, and bid me take care of the worst. Thus stript, nay and thus rob'd of my Revenge, I return'd to my Lodging, where by de­grees my fears abating, I began in my mind to thank the Robber.

‘But finding it difficult [...]to wean my self from the love of Revenge, I spent half the night very pensively; and rising [Page 8] [...]by day-break,’to ease me of my grief, and thoughts of my injury, I rov'd about every where, till at last going into a pub­lick Gallery, very wonderful for several [...]orts of excellent Painting; I saw some by Zeuxy's hand, that had not yet yielded to the injures of time: And, not without an awful reverence, behold others by Protogenes, which tho they were first try­als, yet disputed for exactness, even with Nature it self: but on the other side view­ing a Celebrated Piece drawn by Apelles; I even ador'd the Work of so Great a Master: 'twas so correctly finisht to the life, you'd have sworn it an Image of the Soul too. One side gave the Story of the Eagle Bearing Jupiter to Heaven, the other the fair Hylas repelling the Ad­dresses of the lew'd Naiad: in another part was Apollo, angry at himself for killing his Boy Hyacinth; and, to shew his love, crown'd his Harp with the Flower that sprung form his Blood.

In this Gallery, as in a Vision of living Images, I cry'd out; And are not the Gods themselves secure from love? Ju­piter in his Seraglio above, not finding one that can please his appetite, sins upon Earth, yet injures no body: the Nymph wou'd have stifl'd her passion for Hylas, [Page 9] had she believ'd the lusty Hercules wou'd have been his Rival: Apollo turns Hya­cinth into a Flower: and every Image enjoy'd its Wishes without a Rival: but I have caress'd, as the dearest Friend, the greatest Villian.

While I was thus talking to my self, there enter'd the Gallery an old Man, with a Face as pale as age had made his Hair; and seem'd, I know not how, to bring with him the air of a great soul; but viewing his Habit, I was easily confirm'd in my opinion, since Fortune seldom deals favourably with Learned Men. In short, he made up to me, and ad­dressing himself, told me he was a Poet; and, as he hop'd, above the common herd: if, added he, my merrit don't suffer by Applause that's promiscuously given, to the good and bad.

Why therefore, interrupted I, are you so meanly Clad? On this account return'd he, because Learning never made any man rich.

'Tis certain, added he, that a Lover of Virtue, on the account of his singularity, meets with contempt; for who can ap­prove what differs from himself? And that those who admire Riches, wou'd fain possess every body, that nothing is more reasonable than their Opinion; whence they ridicule, as well as they can, the Learned few; that they, like themselves, might seem within the pow­er of Money.

‘I don't know, how Learning and Poverty become Relations, said I, and sigh'd: You justly lament, return'd he,’ the condition of Scholars.

‘You mistake me, said I, that's not the occasion of my sighs, there's ano­ther, and much greater Cause: And, as all Men are Naturally inclin'd to com­municate their grief; I laid open my Case to him, beginning with Ascyltos's Treachery,’ which I aggravated; and, with repeated sighs, often wisht his In­justice to me might have deserv'd pardon: but that now he was a staunch Villain, and in Lust more subtle than the Bawds themselves.

[Page 11] ‘The Old Man, seeing me sincere, be­gan to comfort me; and the better to effect it, told me what formerly had happen'd to himself on the like occasion’

When I was in Asia, began he, I Lodg'd at the House of one Pergamus: where the Entertainment did not tempt me to stay so much, as a very beautiful Boy I saw there, Son to the Master of the house: my contrivance was to act the Lover, unsuspected by the Father: and to effect my Wishes, I us'd this method: when ever in their mirth they happen'd to mention the use of beautiful Boys, I dissembl'd such a horrour of it, and with that severe concern pretended my modesty suffer'd by such discourse, that the Mother, especially, lookt upon me as a Philosopher, that was above the little pleasures of the world. Upon this I was desir'd to be Tutor to the Boy, not only to instruct him in a Method of study, but imform his Mind with Principles of Honour and Honesty, lest they should by accident entertain some man that might have wicked designs on his body.

There happen'd a Solemn Festival, whose sports entertain'd us so long, that [Page 12] excus'd my being in the Bed-Chamber with him at M [...]d-night: when finding him not yet a-sleep, in a timorous whisper ad­dressing my self to Venus, Mistress of our desires, said I, Could I have the happiness to Kiss the Boy, and he not know it to morrow, I'll present him with a pair of Turtles.

Hearing the Reward, he began to snore; upon which, I greedily seiz'd my wishes: satisfi'd with this beginning, ear­ly the next morning, the Boy expecting it, I perform'd my promise. The Night after, having the same opportunity, I advanc'd my desires; and if I cou'd with my hand, said I, but rub him up, and he not know it, I'll have a pair of Game­Cocks at his Service: At this, the Boy turn'd to me, and I believe, was half a [...]raid I shou'd fall a [...]sleep before I had done: I soon undeceiv'd him, and with inexpressible pleasure injoy'd my wishes: the day following, he gladly receiv'd what I promis'd him: The third Night, I had the like access to him, and pro­ceeding to a bolder liberty, put my Mouth to his Ear, (who was repeating his Dog-sleep) and, ye Gods! said I, could I now seize that wisht for joy en­tire, that neither dare, nor can be exprest [Page 13] to morrow, I'll present him with a Turkish-Barb, on this condition that he does not feel me; upon which, he dissembled the securest Sleep I ever knew: wild to enjoy, I prest his snowy breasts, that swelling seem'd to meet my hands, and, half smothering him with Kisses, hasten'd to that last and greatest joy that bounded all my wishes: The Morning after, he waited as he us'd in the Bed-Chamber, expecting me: You may imagine, the Turtles and Cocks were easier to be purchast, than so fine a Horse: but be­side the Charge, I fear'd so great a Pre­sent, might make my Honourable pre­tensions for the Boy suspected: on this account, I delay'd my Visit some hours; when going to him, waving the usual Ceremonies, I only Kist him; the Boy, as his Arms were about my neck, look­ing round; I beseech you, Sir, said he, where's the Horse?

‘The difficulty of getting a Fine one, return'd I, made me defer the Present, but in a few days I'll be as good as my word: the Boy well knew the meaning of my delay, and his Countenance be­tray'd a Resentment.’

This breach of my word put a stop to the Commerce, but Fortune regain'd it; [Page 14] for not many days after, another Festi­val gave me the same priviledge I had at first: tir'd with sports, when I found his Father asleep, I began to ask the Boy to be Friends with me, that is, that he wou'd give me the Favours he had kept from me, or any thing impatient Nature shou'd inspire: he, perf [...]ctly angry, gave me no other Answer, than, If you won't Lye still, I'll call to my Father; but Lust forces thro' all difficulties, tho' he was say­ing I'll call to my Father, I rusht upon him, and, meeting with a faint resistance, seiz'd the joy. He was not displeas'd with my vigour, but after a long complaint that he was cheated, laught at and should beabus'd among his Schoolfellows, whom he had possest with an opinion of my being ve­ry rich, since I had promis'd him a Horse: To shew you, added he, that you shan't meet with the same ingratitude from me, if you have inclinations to repeat your Wishes, do it freely: I, laying aside [...]all quarrels, was easily Friends with him, and having us'd the liberty he gave me, fell asleep: but he that was now in his prime, and fit for action, not satisfied, raising, me, askt whether I wou'd no more? it was yet no trouble­som province to me: and when his short breathing, with much sweat, confest he [Page 15] he had enough for that bout; tir'd with pleasure, I fell asleep agen: 'twas hardly an hour e're he was pushing me with his Elbow, and crying, we lose time: I was in a great passion to be so often disturb'd, and turn'd his own words upon him, Lye still, or I'll call to your Father.

This discourse diverting my grief, I began to question the old Gentleman about the Antiquity of some Pieces, the Stories of others I was not acquainted with, the Reason why this Age don't come up to the former, and why the most excellent Arts are lost, of which Painting has not left the least sign of its being? Our love of Riches, reply'd he, has been the only occasion: for in old time, when Virtue was admir'd for its own sake, all Liberal Arts flourisht, and the only emulation among Men, was to make Discoveries that might profit the Age. 'Twas in those times Democritus, content with Poverty, found out the Vertue of most Herbs; and le [...]t there might be any hidden Excellence in Stones and Trees, spent the rest of his Life in Experiments about them: 'Twas then Eudoxu [...] abandon'd the World, to live on the top of a high Mountain, to [Page 16] discover the motions of the Heavens and Crisippus, the better to qualify his mind for invention, went thrice through a course of Physick.

But to return to Imagery, Lysippus with that diligence imploy'd himself a­bout one Statue, that, neglecting his Living, he dyed, for want: and Myron, whose brazen Images of Men and beasts, you might have mistaken for living ones, dy'd very poor: but our Age is so wholly devoted to Drinking and Whor­ing, we're so far from inventing, that we don't acquaint our selves even with those Arts that are found to our hands: But, accusing, Antiquity our Schools be­come Seminaries of Vice only [...] what's our Logick? How little do we know of Astronomy? Where's our Philosopher? What Master of Eloquence could indure to hear it so murdred in a Pulpit? What Wise Man cou'd suffer the noise? Our business in the Temple is not to inform our minds, or correct our lives; but as soon as we enter the place, one out of love to his Friend, being made his Heir, promises a Sacri [...]ice to the Gods, if they'd please to take him out of this troublesome world; another, if they'd direct him to a Treasure: the like a [Page 17] third promises if they'd make him hap­py in a small Estate of 300. l. per An. or so: The very Senate that shou'd show an Exemplary Conduct, in Occasions of doubtful Events, have devoted mighty sums of Gold to Religious uses: And who wou'd not but admire, that, he is perswaded hath Charms enough to make the Gods themselves comply! You need not wonder why Painting is lost, when Gold appears more beautiful both to Gods and Men, than any thing Apel­les or Phidias are now esteem'd madly to have spent their time about: But seeing your Curiosity is wholly taken up with that piece, that shews you a contracted History of the Siege of Troy: I'll try to give you the Story more at large in Verse.

[Page 21] When Eumolpus had gone thus far in his Story, the People that were walk­ing there, began to [...]ling Stones at him: But he, conscious of his Merit, cover'd his Head, and took up his Heels: I, fear­ing they wou'd have taken me for a Poet too, made after him: When we were out of Stone shot of the Enemy, I be­seech you, Sir, said I, what will you do with this Disease of yours? I don't won­der at the Peoples humour, since I have hardly been acquainted with you two hours, and your Entertainment has been more Poetry, than the Conversation of a Man. I think I must [...]ill my Pocket with Stones, that when I perceive you going into a Fit [...] I may bleed you in the Head for it, with one of 'em.

He turn'd to me, and, Dear Child, said he, I rose to day without consulting my Fortune; tho' 'tis confest I seldom appear even on the Stage, but such a Mobb as this are Laughing at me: But that I may not be at difference with you too, I'll tye my self up from this hu­mour of Poetry: Well, well, said I, on that condition I Sup with you; upon which, going into the poor Cottage I lodg'd at, we order'd the Master of it to get us a Supper, and in the mean time [Page 22] we went to the Bagnio, where I saw Gito standing against the Wall, with Towels and Rubbing-Brushes in his hand; his troubled Countenance easily perswad­ed me he serv'd on Compulsion: As soon as he saw me, with joy Addressing him­self, he told me, that since I was not in that Martial posture that once frighted him to belye his Affections, he cou'd freely speak t [...] me, upon which he en­treated me to pity his Circumstances; and, if I cou'd but deliver him from so Barbarous a Master, since he was now sorry he was forc'd to be my judge, I might take my satisfaction in any Punish­ment I'de please to inflict; for, added he, i [...] I must dye, 'twill be comfort enough to so unhappy a Wretch to think that you are pleas'd in't.

I desir'd him wave his Complaints, le [...]t our Design shou'd be discover'd, and leaving Eumolpus (for in the Bath he was vers [...]ying) we made off thro' a dirty Back-Entry, as privately as we could to my Lodgings: Where, shutting the Door, I threw my Arms about his neck, and, tho' he was all in tears, half smother'd him with Kisses: Thus we continu'd without a word from either side: Gito's repeated Sobs so disturb'd him, he could [Page 23] not speak: When after a long time spent in that posture, how unaccountable is it, began I, to Love him that once for­sook me! and that in this Breast I shou'd feel so great a Wound, yet have no sign of its being there! what's your pretence for chusing Ascyltos? Have I deserv'd such usage?

After he found I still had Love for him, he began to look less concern'd: When, added I, I'm so far from desire­ing an Umpire to judge of th' ingratitude of your Choice, that I neither complain of, or design to remember it; if I find you sincere.

I cou'd not tell him this without a Tear: When, wiping his face, says he, Eucolpius, I appeal to your Memory, whether I le [...] you, or you betray'd me. I must confess, and hope you can't blame me; when I saw two at Daggers-Draw­ing, that I ran to the strongest.

I cou'd not but admire his Wit, and to convince him of a perfect Reconcilia­tion, seal'd it with repeated Kisses.

'Twas now quite dark, and our Sup­per was Dishing up; when Eumolpus knock'd at the Door: I ask'd how many there was of 'em: And took an oppor­tunity through a Chink, to see whether [Page 24] Ascyltos was with him: But finding him alone, I soon open'd the Door: He had hardly fixt himself on his Couch, when seeing Gito in waiting, on my word, said he, a very Ganymed; sure Eucolpius, you'll have no reason to complain to day.

I did not like so observing an entry; and was afraid I had entertain'd another Ascyltos. Eumolpus pursuing his Humour, when the Boy fill'd him a Glass, I had rather, said he, be in possession of thee, than the whole Bagnio; and greedily drinking it off, the heat I've been in, added he, made this the pleasantest Draught I ever took: For to deal freely with ye, I narrowly scap'd a beating, for attempting, when I was in the Bath, to deliver my Thoughts of it in Verse: And after I was turn'd out of the Bag­nio, as I us'd to be out of the Theatre; I search'd every place, crying as loud as I cou'd, Eucolpius, Eucolpius: A Naked Youth that had lost his Cloaths, as strong­ly Echo'd back to me, Gito, [...]ito: The Boys, believing me Mad, ridicul'd me with their Mimikry: But the other was attended with a great Concourse of Peo­ple, that with an awful Admiration prais'd the Youth: For Nature had so largely qualify'd him for a Lover, his [Page 25] Body seem'd but as the Skirt of the mighty Member it bore: A lusty Rogue! I'll warrant, he'd maintain the Field four and twenty hours! He therefore soon found relief; for some Debauch'd Spark, a Roman Knight, as was reported, flung his Cloak over him, and took him home, with hopes I presume to engross so great a prize: But I was so far from meeting such Civility, that even my own Cloaths were kept from me, till I brought one that knew me, to satisfie 'em in my Character: So much more profitable 'tis to improve the Body, than the Mind.

Whilst Eumolpus was telling his Story, I often chang'd Countenance: Looking glad at the ill Fortune of my Rival, but troubled at his good: Yet did not inter­rupt him, le [...]t he shou'd discover my Concern; and when he had done, I told him what we had for Supper.

‘I had hardly given him an account, e're our Entertainment came in: 'Twas common homely Food, but very nou­rishing: Our half starv'd Doctor at­tacqu'd it very briskly, but when he had well fill'd himself, began to tell us, Phi­losophers were above the World; and to ridicule those that condemn every [Page 26] thing, because 'tis common, and only admire those things that are difficult to be had:’ These Vicious Appetites [...] ad­ded he, that despise what they can cheap­ly come by, never taste any thing pure, but, like sick Men, love only those things that are hurtful to 'em.

Is this, said I, interrupting him, what you promis'd, that you wou'd not ver­sifie to day agen? I beseech you, Sir, at least spare us that never pelted you: For if any of the Inn shou'd find we have a Poet in our Company, the whole [...]eighbourhood wou'd be rais'd, and we shou'd dye Martyrs for a wrong Opinion: [Page 27] If nothing else will make you pi­ty us, think of the Galery and Bath you c [...]me from: when I had treated him af­ter this rate, the good Natur'd Gito, cor­recting me, said, I did very ill to rail at a Man so much my Elder; and that hav­ing offer'd a Gentleman the Curtesie of my Table, I shou'd not so far forget good breeding, to affront him when he came: With many the like Expressions, attend­ed with a blush at their delivery, that ex­treamly became him.

Happy the Woman, said Eumolpus, that's blest with such a Son! Heaven en­crease your Virtue; so much sence, and so much beauty we seldom meet with in any one Person: But, le [...]t you shou'd think your Civility thrown away, you have found a Lover for it: I'll give th [...] World your Praises in Verse: I'll be your Servant, your Gardian, and will follow you every where: Nor can Eucolpius think himself injur'd, he Loves ano­ther.

Eumolpus was oblig'd to the Souldier that robb'd me of my Sword, else I had turn'd the fury upon him I meant for Ascyltos: Gito reading it in my Coun­tenance, under pretence of fetching Wa­ter, prudently withdrew: And allay'd [Page 28] my heat, by removing one cause of it: But my rage reviving, Eumolpus, said I, I had rather have heard even your Ver­ses, than you propose to your self such hopes: I am very Passionate, and you are very Lustful: Consider how improbable 'tis we shou'd agree; believe therefore [...]I am mad, and humour the Phrenzy; that is, be gone immediately.

At this Eumolpus was in great Con­fusion, and, without asking the occasion of my Passion, presently made out: But drawing the Door after him, what I did not in the least suspect, he lock'd me in, and stealing the Key out of the Door, ran in pur [...]uit of Gito.

The Rage I was in to be so abus'd, put me upon Hanging my self; and having ty'd an Apron, I found in the Room, to the Bed-stead, committed my Neck to the Noose I had made with its Strings: When Eumolpus and Gito came to the Door, and entering, pre­vented my Design: Gito, his Grief grow­ing to a Rage, made a great out-cry, and forcing me on the Bed, you're mistaken, said he, Eucolpius, if you fancy it possi­ble for you to dye before me: I was first in t [...]e D [...]sign, and had not surviv'd my choice of Ascyltos; if I had met with [Page 29] an Instrument of Death: But had not you come to my Relief in the Bath, I had resolv'd to throw my self out of the Window: And that you may know how ready Death is to wait those that desire it; see—I've got that you so lately en­deavour'd.

Upon which, having snatch'd a Rasor from Eumolpus's Servant, he struck three or four times at his Throat, and fell down before us; frightned at the Acci­dent, I cry'd out, and falling upon him e're he had reach'd the Ground, with the same Weapon endeavour'd to follow him: But neither had Gito any appearance of a Wound, nor did I feel my self hurt: For it happen'd to be a dull Raisor, design'dly made so, to prepare Learners of the Art to handle a sharper: Which was the reason Eumolpus did not offer to prevent our Mimick Deaths, nor his Man look concern'd when the Raisor was snatch'd from him.

While this Scene was Acting, the Inn­Keeper came in upon us, with the other part of our Supper; and viewing the ob­scene posture we were in, I beseech you, Sirs, said he, are ye Drunk, or have fled Justice, and are Acting it on your selves, or both? ho! who was going to make a [Page 30] Gibet of the Bed? What private designs are here on foot? What—was your going out but now with intent to Bilk me? But you shall feel for't: I'll soon make ye know who rules here.

What, you Rascal, Crys Eumolpus, do you threat too? And without more ado flung his Fist in his face: The Inn-Keeper took up an Earthen Pitcher we so oft had empty'd, and sending it at Eumolpus, broke his Forehead, and immediately ran down Stairs: Eumolpus, impatient of Revenge, snatching up a great Wooden Candlestick, made after him; and pour­ing his blows very thick on the Inn­Keeper, repair'd the injury with Interest: This alarm'd the whole House, and whilst the rest of his Guess, that by this time were most of 'em Drunk; ran to see what was the matter, taking an op­portunity to revenge the injury Eumol­pus had offer'd me, I lock'd him out; and turning thus his trick upon himself, at once, enjoy'd the Bed and Board with­out a Rival.

In the mean time, the Islanders (that came in at the bustle) and Cooks with all their Kitchin Artillery set upon Eu­molpus: One throws at his head a hot Spit with the Meat on't; another with [Page 31] a Pitchfork puts himself in a Martial po­sture against him; but especially a Blear­Ey'd Old Woman, who tucking up the dirty Apron she had about her, with one Shoe on, and another off, hall'd a great Mastiff and set him at Eumolpus: But with the wooden Candlestick he de­fended himself against all his Enemies.

We saw all through a Hole they had made by wrenching the Latch from the Door: I wish'd him well you may ima­gine; but Gito had Compassion, and wou'd have succour'd the Distrest Eumol­pus; upon which, my Rage continuing, I gave his pitying Head two or three blows with my Fist; he sate down on the Bed and cry'd: But I so eagerly ply'd the Hole, I made my Eyes relieve each other; and, encouraging the People a­gainst him, with great satisfaction beheld the conslict: when the Bailiff of the Island, one Bargates, whom the Scuffle had rais'd from Supper; was brought into the Room, supported by others Legs, for he was so troubl'd with the Gout, he cou'd not use his own: And having in his Clownish manner, with a great deal of heat, made a long Harangue against Drunkards and Vagabonds, looking on Eumolpus, ha! what is it you, says he, [Page 32] the Excellent Poet? What—has these Rogues been abusing you all this while?

At what time he goes up to Eumolpus, and in a whisper, ‘I have a Maid,’ says he, that flouts at me when I ask her the Question; Prithee, if you have any Love for me, abuse her in a Copy of Verses till she's asham'd of her self.

While Eumolpus was thus ingag'd with Bargates, the Cryer of the Town, and some other Officer, attended with a great Concourse of People, entred the Inn; and, shaking a smoaky rather than light­ed Torch he carried, mouths out this; viz.

Not long ago run away from the Bath, a very pretty Boy, with curl'd Hair, by Name, Gito.

If any Man, or Woman, in City, or Country, can tell Tale or Tidings of him, shall have for his Reward 1000 Sesterces.

Not far from the Cryer, stood Ascyl­tos, Clad with a Coat of many Co­lours; who, to incourage any Discove­rer, held the Reward in a Silver Charger before him.

[Page 33] Upon this, I order'd Gito to steal un­der the Bed, and thrust his F [...]t and Hands through the Cords; that, as Vl [...]s­ses formerly hid in a S [...]eeps Hide, so extended he might cheat the Searchers.

Gito immediately obey'd the motion, and fixing himself, as I directed, ou [...]-did vlysses in his Native Art: But, that I might leave no room for Suspicion, I so dispos'd the Bed-Cloaths, that none could believe more than my self had lain there.

We had just done, when Ascyltos, with a Beadle, having search'd the other Cham­bers, came to ours, which gave him greater hopes, because he found the Door so barr'd: But the Petty Officer he brought, with an Iron Crow, for [...]'d it open.

Upon Ascyltos's Entry, I threw my self at his feet, and beseech'd him, if he had any memory of our past Friendship; or any respect for one that [...]ad sha [...]'d Misfortunes with him, he wou'd at least let me see the still dear Gi [...]o: A [...]d to give my sham-intreaties a better co­lour, I see, says I, Ascyltos, you are come with Designs on my Life; for to what other end could you bring those Ministers of Justice? Therefore satisfi [...] your Rage, [Page 34] behold my naked Bosom, let out that Blood, which, under pretence of a search, you come to seek.

Ascyltos, now laying aside his old grudg [...] to me; profess'd he came in pur­suit of nothing but Gito, that had run from him; nor desir'd the Death of any Man, much more of one that falls before him; and whom, after a fatal Quarrel with him, he held most dear.

The Petty Officer was not so easie to me, for taking a Stick out of the Inn­Keeper' [...] hand, he felt under the Bed with it, and run it into every Hole he [...]ound in the Wall: Gito drew his Body [...]ut of the Stick's way, and, breathing as [...]ntly as [...]ar cou'd make him, held his [...]outh close to the Cords.

They were hardly gone, e're Eumol­pus boun [...]d in upon us, for the broken [...]oor cou'd s [...]op no body; and, in a g [...]at h [...]at, cry'd out [...] [...]'ll earn the Reward: I'll make a [...]t [...]r the Cryer, and let him know how soon Gito may be in his Cu­stody.

Eumolpus pursuing his design, I kist his Knees, and intreated him not to an­ticipate the [...]nd of dying Men; you wou'd be justly angry, added I, if you shou'd discover to 'em how you are deceiv'd: [Page 35] The Boy run into the Crowd undiscover'd, and where he is gone, my self can't suspect. I b [...]seech you, Eumol­pus, bring back the Boy, or at least re­store him even to Ascyltos.

Just as I had work'd him to a belief, Gito, with restraining his breath, snees'd thrice so throughly, that he shook the Bed; at which Eumolphus, turning about, saluted him with, God bless you, Sir; and, taking the Bedding aside, saw the little Vlysses, who might have rais'd Com­passion, even in a Blood-thirsty Cyclops; then looking u [...]on me, Thou Villain, says he, how have you shamm'd me? Durst you not tell truth, even when you was catch'd in a Roguery? If some God, that has the [...]are of Humane Affairs, had not forc'd the Boy to discover himself, I had wander'd in search of him to a sine pur­pose. But Gito, that cou'd [...]awn much better than I, took a Cobweb dipt in Oyl, and apply'd to the Wound in his Forehead: And, changing his torn Coat for his own Mantle, imbrac'd the now reconcil'd Eumolpus, and s [...]uck to his Lips; at last he [...]pok [...], and, Our Lives, said he, most indulgent Father, our Lives are in your power; if you love your Gito, convince him that you do, by preserving [Page 36] him: O! could I now meet a Grave in flames or waves, that I, the only cause of all, might end your Quarrels with my life.

‘Eumolpus, concern'd at our grief, and particularly mindful of Gito's tenderness to him; surely, says he, y' are the great­est of Fools, who have Souls enrich'd with Virtues, that may make ye hap­py, yet live a continu'd Ma [...]tyrdom, raising to your selves every day new Oc­casions of grief; I, wherever I am, make my Life as pleasant and free from trouble, as if I expected no more of it: If you'll imitate me, never let Cares disturb your Quiet. And to avoid Ascyltos that haunts ye in these parts, I am taking a Voyage to a Foreign Country, and shou'd be glad of your Company: I believe to morrow Night I shall go on board the Vessel: I am very well known there, and you need not doubt of a Civil Entertain­ment.’

‘His advice appear'd to me both wise, and profitable; for at once it deliver'd me from Ascyltos, and gave me hopes of living more happy: Thus oblig'd by Eumolpus's good nature, I was sorry for the late injury I had done him, and began [Page 37] to repent I appear'd his Rival, since it had occasion'd so many Disasters.’

At last, with Tears, I beseech'd him to be Friends with me too, for that it was not in a Rival's power to bound his Rage; yet, that I wou'd try neither to say, or do any thing that may offend him: And hop'd so wise and good a Man as he, wou'd leave in his Mind no sign of a former Quarrel: for 'twas with Men as with Countrys, on rude and neg­lected Grounds Snows lay very long, but where the fruitful Earth was im­prov'd by Culture, they presently melt off, and hardly leave a Print behind: Thus unfashion'd Minds can't discharge their Passions suddenly, but where Souls are inrich'd with instruction, they but appear, and vanish.

And to confirm the Truth of what you say, return'd Eumolpus, all my heat expires in this Kiss; but, to prevent the designs of your Enemies, hasten with your Wallets, and either follow me, or, if ye like it, act the Leaders.

He had not done speaking, when, hear­ing the Door move, we turn'd about, and saw a Seaman, with a Beard that made him appear terribly Grim: who saluted Eumolpus with a Why dy'e stay, as if [Page 38] you did not kn [...]w how near the time 'twas?

All immediately prepare for the March, Eumolpus Loads his Servant, who had been all this while asleep; I, and Gito, pack'd our Things together, and, thank­ing our Stars, enter'd the Vessel.

‘We fixt our selves, as much out of the way as we could, under Deck; and it being not yet day, Eumolpus fell a-sleep: I, and Gito, cou'd not take a wink: When reflecting afr [...]sh, that I had harbour'd in my Acquain­tance, a Rival more powerful than Ascyltos; I began to be much trou­bled: But wisely allaying my Grief, I thus reason'd with my self.’ Is it so troublesom to share what we love? when the best of Nature's works are in common? The Sun throws his Rays on all. The Moon, with her infinite train of Stars, serves to light even Beasts to their Fodder: What below can boast an Ex­cellence of Nature above the Waters? Yet they [...]low in publick for the use of all: Only Love se [...]ms sweeter stol'n, than when it's given us: So it is, we es [...]eem nothing, unless 'tis [...]nvy'd by o­thers; but what have I to [...]ear in a Ri­val, that Age and Impotence conspire to [Page 39] render disagreeable? Who, when he has an inclination, his Body jades under him before he can reach the Goal.

When I had cheated my self with this assurance, I muffled my Head in my Coat, and feign'd my self asleep: But on a sudden, as if Fortune had resolv'd to ruin my Quiet; I heard one above Deck groaning out: And has he scorn'd me [...] This struck me with a trembling, for it was a Man's voice, and one I was afraid I knew: But at a greater distance, with the same heat, I heard a Woman La­menting: O that some God [...] said she, wou'd bring my Gito to my Arms; tho' he banish'd himself thence; how kindly wou'd I receive him!

So unexpected a thing drove the co­lour from our Cheeks: I especially, as in a Trance, was a long time speechless; when, trembling with fear, I pull'd Eu­molpus by the Coat, who was now asleep; and I beseech you Father, said I, do you know the owner of this V [...]ss [...]l, or who the Pas [...]engers are? He was very angry to be disturb'd: And was it for this Reason, said he, that we chose the most private place in the Ship; that none but your self might disturb us: Or what will it signi [...]ie if I tell you, that [Page 40] one Lycas a Tarentine owns her, and is carrying one Tryph [...]ena to Tarentum?

For a while I stood like one Thun­der-struck, when opening my Bosom, I trembling, cry'd out; At last, Fortune, you have ruin'd every part of me: For Gito, my better half, lean'd on my Breast, as if he'd breath'd his last: When our sweating through fear, had a little reco­ver'd our Spirits; I fell at Eumolpus feet, and in [...]reated him to have Compassi­on of two dying Wretches: That is, to assi [...]t us in the Means of escaping the impending Mischief: Tho' Death, I added, wou'd be more grateful to us, if the Happiness of enjoying you, did not make us desire Life.

Eumolpus was glad to serve us, and swore by all that's sacred, he was privy to no Design against us; and that he had very innocently brought us hither, for no other end, than for our Compa­ny, having hir'd the Ves [...]el before he was acquainted with us: But what de­signs on your Lives are here? added he, O [...], have we a Pyrat [...] Hannibal on board? Lycas, continu'd he, a very Honourable Man, is not only Master and owner of this Vessel, but of a good Estate; and having inclinations to Tra [...]ick, freights his Ve [...]sel [Page 41] himself: Is this the terrible Cyclops? Is this the dreadful Cut-throat, we must pay our Carriage to? And besides him, is the Beautiful Tryphoena that other Emblem of Terrour, who for her plea­sure only goes with Lycas.

These are the very two, reply'd Gito, we strove to avoid: And, in a low voice, made Eumolpus, that trembled at the Story, at once understand the Occasions of their Malice to us, and our present dan­ger.

Eumolpus was so distracted in his thoughts, he cou'd not advise, but bid each of us give him his Opinion; and presume, says he, we had just enter'd the Cyclops Den, where Jove's Thun­der-bolts are made. We must seek a means of delivery, except we design to free us from all Danger, by sinking the Vessel.

No, no, began Gito, rather offer the Pilot a Reward, to direct the Vessel to some Port: And affirm the Sea so disa­grees with your Friend, that if he is not [...]o Kind, you fear he'll dye: You may colour the pretence with Tears, and ap­pear much concern'd, that, mov'd with Compassion, the Pilot may befriend you.

[Page 42] Eumolpus reply'd, that could not be ef­fected; for not only the difficulty of guiding so great a Ship to a Port, but a Suspicion he wou'd necessarily have, that his Friend cou'd not be so suddenly very ill, conspir'd against it: Then next, per­haps [...] Lycas wou'd have a Curiosity to visit his sick Passenger: Can you pro­pose to escape by a means that will dis­cover ye to him ye'd avoid? But pre­suming the Ship cou'd be stopt in her rapid Course, and that Lycas shou'd not visit his sick on Board: How can we get out, but all must see us? With our Heads muffled, or bare? if cover'd, we move every one to lend a hand to sick Persons; if bare, we discover our selves.

A desperate Disease, said I, must have a desperate Cure; I know no better Ex­pedient of our delivery, than to slide in­to a long Boat, and cutting the Cord, leave the rest to Fortune: Nor do I de­sire Eumolpus to share the Danger: For what wou'd it signifie to involve an in­nocent Person in other Mens deserv'd Misfortunes? We shall think our selves happy, if Fortune be kind.

'Twas not ill advised, said Eumolpus, if it cou'd be done; for do you think to [Page 43] stir in the Ship unobserv'd, when the di­stant motion of the Stars themselves can't escape the Pilot's diligence? You must pass the only guarded part of the Ship, near which place the Rope that holds the Boat is tyed: Besides, Eucolpius, I wonder you did not remember that one Seaman was upon constant duty night and day in the Boat it self; nor will be mov'd from his Post, without you cut his Throat, or fling him over-board; which consider whether you can dare attempt; for my part, to go with you I would refuse no danger that could give me the least hopes of getting off; but to put so low a va­lue on life, to throw it away as an useless thing [...] I believe even your selves are un­willing: Hear whether you like my Pro­posal, I'll put ye into two Mantles I have here, and making Holes to breathe and eat through, will place you amongst my other Goods for Baggage; next morning I allarm the whole Ship, crying out, my servants, fearing a greater punish­ment, in the night jumpt into the Sea; that when the Ship made to land, I might carry you off for Baggage.

Very well, said I, but do you design to tye us as Stocks, within which Nature does not labour to be freed; or as those [Page 44] that use to sneeze and snore? Or, because I once succeeded in a like deceit? But suppose we cou'd hold out a day so ty'd up, what shall we do if we're put to't longer? Will the thoughts of a quiet life without cares, or of our adverse fortune entertain us most? our very Cloaths long bound up will rot upon our backs: Can we, d'ye think, that are young, and not inur'd to labour, endure to be clad like Statues, and wear our cords as insensibly? Since we are yet to seek a way of escape, for no Proposal has been made without an objection; see what I have thought on: The studious Eumolpus, I presume, never goes unfurnisht with [...]nk; is there a bet­ter Expedient, than washing our hands, face, and hair, with that, to appear like Aethiopian Slaves? when without wring­ing our Limbs, we can't but be merry, to act a Cheat, that so neatly imposes on our enemies?

And why wou'd not you have us Cir­cumcis'd too, interrupted Gito, that we ma [...] appear like Jews; and have our Ears bor'd, to perswade them we came from Arabia? and why did not you advise our Faces to be Chalk'd as well as Ink'd, that we might pass for Frenchmen, as if our Colour would make such a mighty Alteration? [Page 45] Has a Foreigner but one mark of distinction? Can you think any body so ignorant to mistake you for one, by that sign only? Grant our dawb'd faces wou'd keep their Colour: Suppose it wou'd not wash off, nor our Cloaths stick to the Ink, how can we imitate their black swollen Lips? the short curl of their hair? the seams on their foreheads? their circular way of treading? their splay feet? or the mode of their Beards? an artificial Colour rather stains than alters the body; but, if you'll be rul'd by a madman, let's cover our heads, and jump into the Sea.

Nor Heaven nor Man, cry'd Eumol­pu [...], cou'd suffer ye make so ill an end; rather pursue this advice: My Slave, as you may imagin by the Razor, is a piece of a Barber; let him shave not only your Heads, but, as a mark of greater punish­ment, your Eye-brows too, and I'll finish your disguise with an Inscription on your Foreheads, that you may appear as Slaves branded for some extraordinary Villany: Thus the same Letters will at once divert their suspicion, and conceal your Countenances under the mask of punishment.

We lik'd the advice, and hasten'd the execution, when stealing to the side of [Page 46] the Vessel, we committed our Heads and Eye-brows to the Barber: Eumolpus in the mean time fill'd our Fore-heads with great Letters, and very liberally dis­penc'd the known marks of Fugitives through the other parts of our Faces; one of the Passengers, easing his o're­charg'd stomach o're the side of the Ship, by the Moon perceiving the reflection of a Barber busie at so unseasonable a time, and, cursing the Omen that he thought presag'd a Shipwrack, ran to his Ham­mock; upon which we dissembled the same, but indeed had an equal though different concern; and the noise over, we spent the rest of the night without rest­ing much.

‘The next day Eumolpus, when he found Tryph [...]ena was stirring, went to vi­sit Lycas; and after he had talk'd with him about the happy Voyage he hop'd from the clearness of the Heavens, Lycas, turning to Tryph [...]ena, Methoughts,’ said he, about midnight the Vision of Priapus appear'd to me, and told me, he had lately brought into my Ship Eucolpius that I sought for: Tryph [...]ena was startl'd, And you'd swear we slept together, r [...] ­ply'd she, for methoughts the Image of [Page 47] Neptune having struck his Trident thrice against the Baj [...]e, told me that in Lycas's Ship I shou'd meet my Gito.

Hence proceeds, said Eumolpus, inter­rupting 'em, that Veneration I pay the Di­vine Epicurus, who so wittily has disco­vered such illusions.

But Lycas, when he had thank'd his Stars for their care of him, That we may not seem, said he, to condemn the Di­vine Powers, what hinders but we search the Vessel?

Upon which one Aesius, the Pas [...]enger that had discover'd us by our reflection in the water, cry'd out, these are the men that were shav'd by Moon-shine to night. Heaven avert the Omen! I thought the Ceremony of cutting the Nails and Hair, was never perform'd but as a solemn Sa­crifice to appease a Storm.

Is't so, says Lycas, in a great heat, did any in the Ship of [...]er to shave themselves, and at midnight too? bring 'em quickly hither, that I may know who they are [Page 49] that deserve to die a sacrifice for our safety.

'Twas I, quoth Eumolpus, commanded it, not wishing ill to the Ship, but ease to my self; for they are my Slaves, and having long staring hairs, I order'd the uncomely [...]ight to be taken away; not only that I might not seem to make a Pri­son of the Ship [...] but that the mark of their Villany might more plainly appear; and to let you know how richly they de­serve the punishment; among other Ro­gueries, they rob'd me of a considerable sum of Money, and spent it with all the luxury of rich Debauches, on a Trull that was at both their services, whom I catcht them with last night. In short, they yet smell of the Wine they profusely gave themselves with my Money.

Lycas, that the offenders might attone for their crime, order'd each of them for­ty stripes; we were immediately brought to the place of Execution; where the en­rag'd Seamen set upon us with Ropes­ends, and try'd to offer our blood a sa­crifice for their safety. I bore three stripes very Heroically. Gito, who had not so much passive valour at the first blow, set up such an out-cry that the known sound of his voice reach'd Tryph [...]ena's ear; who [Page 50] in great disorder attended with her Maids, that were all like her self surpriz'd at the voice, run to the sufferer.

Gito's admirable beauty had soften'd their rage, and seem'd without speaking to intreat their favour; when the Maids unanimously cry'd out, 'tis Gito, 'tis Gito; hold your barbarous hands, help Madam, 'tis Gito!

Tryph [...]ena to their cry inclin'd her Ears, that already had anticipated her belief, and with eager hast flew to the Boy.

Upon which Lycas that knew me very well, as much satisfied as he had heard my voice, ran to me, and taking my other parts on content, with a lascivious diligence directed his eyes and hands to my Codpiece, where satisfy'd by good to­kens, your servant Eucolpus, says he, 'twill be no wonder how Euryclea that nurs'd Ulysses, at his return after twenty years absence, shou'd know him by a scar in his forehead, when 'tis consider'd, the most discreet Lycas, not beholden to the marks of any seen part of the body, so judici­ously discover'd me by the most hid: Try­ph [...]ena, having cheated her self into a be­lief that those marks of slavery we wore on our foreheads were real, wept; and began in a low voice, to inquire what Prison [Page 51] cou'd stop us in our Rambles; or whose so cruel hands cou'd finish such a punishment without reluctancy. I confess, added she, they deserve some punishment with whom their Masters are so ju [...]ly angry.

Lycas was in a great heat at Tryph [...]ena's tenderness. And thou foolish Woman, said he, can you believe, those marks were cut before the Ink was laid? We should be too happy were those stains not to be rub'd off, and had justly been, as they de­sign'd us, the subject of their laughter, if we had suffer'd our selves to be so grosly impos'd on in a sham Inscription.

Tryph [...]ena, who was not yet unmindful of our former amours, wou'd have pity'd us. When Lycas, still resenting the abuse he received in his vitiated Wife, and the affronts at the Porch of Hercules's Tem­ple, with greater rage cry'd out, I thought you had been convinc'd Tryph [...]ena, that Heaven has the care of humane affairs, when it not only brought our Enemies into our power, which they strove to a­void, but reveal'd it in a vision to us both; see what you'l get by pardoning them, whom Heaven it self has brought to pu­nishment, for my part, I am not natu­rally so cruel, but am afraid the judgment [Page 52] I shou'd prevent from justly falling upon, others, may light on my own head.

This superstitious Harangue, turn'd Tryphaena from hindring our punishment to hasten its execution. When she began afresh as highly to resent the former af­fronts that was offer'd her [...] as Lycas did the repute of his modesty that he had lost in the peoples esteem.

‘When Lycas found Tryphaena was with himself eagerly inclin'd to revenge, he or­der'd to increase our punishments, which when Eumolpus perceiv'd, he endeavour'd to mitigate after this manner.’

‘I pity the wretches, said he, that lie at your mercy.’—Lycas, they implore your compassion, and choosing me as a man not altogether unknown to 'em to perform the office, desire to be reconcil'd to them they once held most dear. Can you believe, 'twas by accident they fell into your hands, when all Passengers make it their chief business to enquire to whose care they are to trust themselves? When you are satisfied of their intentions, can you be so barbarous to continue your revenge, but suffer free born men to go uninjur'd where they have design'd. Even barbarous and implacable Masters allay their cruelty when their Slaves repent; [Page 53] and all give quarter to the Enemy that surrenders himself. What can you, or will you desire more? you have at your feet repenting Supplicants; they're Gen­tlemen, and men of worth; and what's more prevailing than both, were once caress'd as your dearest Friends. Had they rob'd you of your Money, or be­tray'd your trust, by Hercules the pu­nishment they've inflicted on themselves might have satisfied your rage; don't you see the marks of Slaves on their Fa­ces; who, though free, to attone their in­juries to you, prescrib'd themselves.

To avoid confusion, interrupted Lycas, give me a reason for all particulars as I shall ask you; and first, if they came with design to surrender themselves, why did they cut off their hair? for all Disguises are assum'd rather to deceive than satisfie the injur'd.

Next, if they expected to ingratiate themselves by their Embassadour, why have you endeavoured in every thing, to conceal them you were to speak for? whence it plainly appears, 'twas by acci­dent the offenders were brought to pu­nishment, and that you have us'd this Artifice to divert our suspicion.

[Page 54] Sure you thought to raise our envy, by ringing in our ears, that they were Gen­tlemen, and Men of Worth; but have a care their cause don't suffer by your im­pudence; what shou'd the injur'd do when the guilty come to [...]em to be pu­nisht? and if they were my friends, they deserve to be more severely treated; for he that wrongs a stranger is call'd a Rogue, but he that serves a Friend so, is little less than a Parricide.

I am sencible, said Eumolpus, answer­ing this dreadful Harangue, that nothing cou'd happen to these unhappy Young men more unfortunate, than the cutting their hair off at midnight, which is the only argument that may perswade you to mistake their voluntary coming here, for accidental; but I shall as candidly endeavour to undeceive you, as it was in­nocently acted: before they imbarkt they had designs to ease their heads of that, as trouble [...]ome as useless weight, but the unexpected wind that hasten'd us on board, made 'em de [...]er it; nor did they suspect it to be of any moment where 'twas done, being equally ignorant of the ill Omen, and Customs of Mari­ners.

[Page 55] What advantage, reply'd Lycas, cou'd they propose to themselves by the loss of their hair? unless they thought baldness might sooner raise our compassion: Or can you believe I wou'd be satisfy'd in your relation? when addressing himself to me, What Poyson, said he, thou Vil­lain has eat your hair off? To what God have your Sacrilegious hands offer'd it?

The fear of punishment struck me speechless; nor cou'd I find any thing to urge in my defence against so plain an accusation. Then the confusion I was in, my disfigur'd face, with the equal bald­ness of my Head and Eye [...]brows, gave a ridiculous air to every thing I said or did; but when they wip'd us with a wet Spunge, the Letters melting into one, spread o're our Faces such a sooty cloud that turn'd Lycas's rage to a perfect loath­ing. Eumolpus cou'd not endure to see free-born men against all Law and Ju­stice so abus'd, and returning their threats with blows, not only was our advocate but Champion too. He was seconded by his Man and two or three sick Passen­gers appear'd our Friends, that serv'd [...]a­ther to encourage us, than encrease our force.

[Page 56] Upon which I was so far from begging pardon, that without any respect I held my Fists at Tryphaena, and plainly told her she shou'd feel me, if her lecherous Ladiship, who only in the Ship deserv'd to be punisht, was not content to decline her pretentions to Gito.

The Angry Lycas was all rage at my impudence; and very impatient of re­venge when he found, without any con­cern for my own cause, I only stood up for anothers.

Nor was Tryphaena less disturb'd at my contempt of her; at what time every one in the Vessel choose his side, and put himself in a posture of defence.

On our side Eumolpus's Slave distribu­ted the Instruments of his Trade, and re­serv'd a Razor to defend his own person; on the other, Tryphaena and her Atten­dance advanc'd, arm'd with nothing but their Nails and Tongues; which last sup­ply'd the want of Drums in their Army; when the Pilot, crying out, threaten'd he wou'd leave the Ship to the mercy of the waves if they continu'd the bustle rais'd about the lust of two or three Va­gabonds.

This did not in the least retard the sight; they pressing for revenge, we for [Page 57] our lives: In short, many fell half dead on both sides; others withdrew, as from greater Armies, to be drest of their Wounds; yet this damps not the rage of either side.

Then the bold Gito drawing out that part of him, Tryphaena most admird, clapt a bloody Razor to't, and threaten'd to cut away the cause of all our Misfor­tunes. But Tryphaena did not saintly send to prevent so cruel an act: I often of [...]er'd at my Throat too, but with as little de­sign to kill my self as Gito to do what he threatned: He the more boldly handl'd his because he knew it to be the same blunt Razor he had us'd before; which made Tryphaena very appr [...]hensive of his Tragick intentions.

Upon this, both sides drew up their ranks, when the Pilot perceiving how Commical a War it was, with much ado was perswaded to let Tryphaena dispatch an Herauld to capitulate: Articles imme­diately according to the Custom of Countries being mutually agreed off on both sides; Tryphaena snatcht an Olive­branch, the Ensign of Peace, that stuck to the Image of Prosperity pictur'd in the Ship, and holding it in the midst of us, thus addrest her self.

When in a great heat Tryphaena had thus said, both Armies stood still a while, and reviving the Treaty of Peace, put a stop to the War. Our Captain Eumol­pus prudently us'd the occasion of her repentance, and having first severely cha­stiz'd Lycas, sign'd the Articles: Which were as follow.

Tryphaena, You do from the b [...]ttom of your heart, as you are in perf [...]ct mind, promise never to complain of any i [...]jury you have receiv'd from Gito; nor men [...]i­on, upbraid him with, or study to re­venge directly or indirectly any action of his before this day; and to prevent your forcing him to an unwilling com­pliance, be it further agreed, that you ne­ver kiss, coll, or bring him to a closer [Page 59] hug, without the forfeiture of 100 De­narii: And for better security, that you always pay your Mon [...], before you have your Ware.

Item, You Lycas, from the bottom of your heart, as you are in perfect mind; do promise never to reproach, or in­sultingly treat Eucolpius, either in Words, or Gestures: And that you never offer at his Breeches, but, on the forfeiture of 200 Denarij for each time you abuse him, behind his back.

Conditions thus agreed on, we laid down our Arms: And, least my grudge might still remain, wipe off the memo­ry of all things past, in repeated Kisses.

All Quarrels expir'd in universal shouts, and a sumptuous Banquet that follow'd, spread equal Mirth through the whole Company: The Vessel rung with Songs, the Ensigns of their Joy: And the oc­casion of a sudden Calm, gave other di­versions: Here a little Artist bob'd for Fish, that rising, seem'd with haste to meet their ruin: There another draws the unwilling Prey, that he had betray'd on the Hook, with an inviting Bait: When looking up, we saw Sea-Birds sit­ting on the Sail-Yard, about which, one skill'd in that Art, having plac'd LimeTwigs, [Page 60] made 'em his booty. Their downy Feathers, the Air whirl'd about: The other, the Sea vainly tost too and fro.

Now Lycas began to be friends with me: And Tryphaena, as a Mark of her Love, threw the bottom of her Wine upon Gito: At what time, Eumolpus, quite Drunk, aim'd at Rallery on those that were Bald and Branded; till having spent his life-less Stock, he return'd to his Verses; and designing an Elegy on the loss of Hair, thus began.

[Page 61] He wou'd have condemn'd us to hear more, and I believe worse than the for­mer; if an Attendant of Tryphaena, had not disturb'd him: Who taking Gito a­side, dress'd him up in her Mistresses Tower; and to restore him perfectly to his former Figure [...] drawing false Eye­brows out of her Patch-Box, plac'd 'em so exactly, Nature might have mi­staken 'em for her own work.

At the fight of the true Gito, Tryphae­na wept for joy: Who, not before, cou'd hug him with so real a satisfaction.

I was glad to see his loss so well re­pair'd: Yet, often hid my Head, as sen­sible I appear'd with no common defor­mity, whom even Lycas thought not worth speaking to: But 'twas not long e're the same Maid came to my relief, and calling me aside, dress'd me in a Peruke no less agreeable: For being of Golden Locks, it rather improv'd my Complexion.

But, Eumolpus, our Advocate, and Reconciler, to Entertain the Company, and keep up the Mirth; began to be pleasant on the inconstancy of Women: How forward they were to Love, how soon ye forgot their Sparks: And that no woman was so Chast, but her untry'd [Page 62] Lust [...] might be rais'd to a Fury: Nor wou'd he bring instances from ancient Tragedies, or Personages celebrated to Antiquity: But Entertain us, if we wou'd please to hear, with a Story within the Circle of his own Memory: upon which the Eyes and Ears of all were devoted to him: Who thus began.

There was at Ephesus a Lady, of so Celebrated virtue [...] that the Women of Neighbouring Nations came to join their admiration with that of her own Coun­try: This Lady at the death of her Hus­band not content with tearing her Hair, or beating her Breast, those common ex­pressions of grief; but following him in­to the Vault, where the Body plac'd in a Monument, she, after the Grecian Custom, watch'd the Corps, and whole Nights and Days continu'd weeping; the per­swasions of Parents nor Relations cou'd divert her grief, or make her take any thing to preserve life: The publick Offi­cers at last, she guarding the Body for 'em, left the Vault; and lamented by all for so singular an example of grief, liv'd thus five days without Eating.

All left her but a faithful Maid, who with tears supply'd her afflicted Lady, and as often as the Lamp they had by, [Page 63] began to expire, renew'd the light; by this time she became the talk of the whole Town; and all degrees of Men confest, she was the only true example of Love and Chastity.

In the mean time there happening a Trial of Criminals, the Condemn'd were order'd to be Crucify'd near the Vault in which the Lady was weeping o're the Corps of her late Husband. The Soldier that guarded the Bodies lest any might be taken from the Cross and bury'd, the night after observ'd a light in the Vault, and hearing the Groans of some affl [...]cted person, prest with a curiosity common to Mankind, he desired to know, who, or what it was? Upon which he enter'd the Vault, and seeing a very beautiful Wo­man, amaz'd at first, he fancy'd 'twas a spirit, but viewing the dead Body, and considering her t [...]ars and torn face, he soon guest, as it was, that the Lady cou'd not bear the lo [...]s of her Husband: he brings his Supper with him into the Vault, and began to perswade the mourn­ful Lady not to continue her unnecessary grief, nor with vain complaints consume her health: That death was common to all M [...]n; and many other things he told her, that use to restore afflicted persons [Page 64] to that calmness they before enjoy'd: But [...]he mov'd anew at the comfort a stran­ger offer'd, redoubl'd her grief, and tear­ing her Hair, cast it on the Body that lay before her.

The Soldier however did not with­draw, but with the like invitations o [...]er'd her somewhat to eat, till her Maid o're­come, I presume, by the pleasing scent of the Wine, no longer cou'd resist the Soldier's Courtesie. When refresht with the Entertainment, she began to join her perswasions to win her Lady; and what advantage, began she, wou'd you reap in st [...]rving your self? in burying your self alive? What wou'd it signifie to an­ticipate your fate?

Will you, Madam, in spite of Fate, revive your Husband? Or will you shake off these vain complaints, the marks of our Sex's weakness, and enjoy the World while you may? The very Body that lyes there might make you envy life.

We don't unwillingly obey when we're commanded to eat or live. The Lady now dry with so long fasting, suffer'd her self to be o'recome; nor was less pleas'd with her Entertainment, than her Maid that first surrender'd. You know with what [Page 65] thoughts encouraging meats inspire young per­sons. With the same Charms our Souldier had won her to be in love with life, he addrest himself as a Lover; nor did his person appear less agreeable to the chaste Lady, than his conversation; and the Maid, to raise her opinion of him, thus apply'd her self:

To make short: nor even in this cou'd the Lady deny him any thing: Thus our victorious Souldier succeeded in both; she receiv'd his Imbraces; not only that night they struck up the bargain, but the next and third day: Having shut the door of the Vault, that if any of her acquain­tance or strangers had come out of curio­sity to see her, they might have believ'd the most chast of all Women, had ex­pir'd on the body of her Husband. Our Souldier was so taken with his beautiful Mistress, and the privacy of injoying her, that the little Money he was Master of, he laid out for her Entertainment, and, as soon as 'twas night, convey'd it into the Vault.

[Page 66] In the mean time the Relations of one of the Malefactors, finding the Body un­guarded, drew it from the Cross and bu­ry'd it. The Souldier thus rob'd while he was in the Vault, the next day, when he perceiv'd one of the Bodies gone, dread­ing the punishment, he told the Lady what had happen'd; and, added that with his Sword he wou'd prevent the Judges Sentence; if so be she wou'd please to give him Burial, and make that place at once the fatal Monument of a Lover and a Husband.

The Lady, not less merciful than chast; Nor wou'd Heaven allow, said she, that I shou'd at once feel the loss of the only two in the world I held most dear; I'd rather hang up the dead Body of the one, than be the wicked instrument of the o­ther's death. Upon which she order'd her Husband's Body to be taken out of the Co [...]in, and fixt to the Cross, in the room of that which was wanting: Our Souldier pursued the directions of the discreet Lady, and the next day the people won­der'd for what reason that Body was hung on the Cross.

The Seamen were pleas'd with the Story. Tryph [...]ena not a little asham'd, lo­vingly apply'd her Cheek to Gito's, and [Page 67] hid her blushes; but Lycas wore an air of displeasure, and knitting his brows, said he, If the Governour had been a j [...]st man, he ought to have restor'd the Hus­bands Body to his Monument, and hung the Womans on the Cross. I don't doubt it made him reflect on his own Wife, and the whole Scene of our Lust when we rob'd his Vessel. But the Articles he agreed to, oblig'd him not to complain; and the mirth that ingag'd us gave him no op­portunity to vent his Rage.

Tryph [...]ena entertain'd her self in Gito's Arms, pressing oft his Neck with eager Kisses, and o [...]t disposing his new Orna­ment, to make it appear more agreeable to his Face.

At this I was not a little out of humour [...] and impatient of our new League, cou'd neither eat nor drink any thing; but with side-looks wisht a thousand Curses on them both; every kiss and every look she gave him, wounded me. Nor did I yet know whether I had more reason to repent the loss of my Mistress [...] or my Comrade; he having rob'd me of her; and she deluded him from my arm [...]: Both were worse than death to me. And to compleat my misery, neither Tryph [...]ena spoke to me as her acquaintance, and [Page 68] once grateful Lover; nor did Gito think me worth drinking to; or what's the least he cou'd, common discourse with him: I believe he was tender of the new return of her favours, and afraid to give her ano­ther occasion to fall out with him: Grief forc'd a flood of Tears from my Eyes, and I stifl'd my Complaints, till I was ready to expire.

When Lycas perceiv'd how well, tho' in this trouble, my yellow Ornament be­came me, he was inflam'd afresh; and viewing me with Lovers eyes, addressed himself as such, when laying aside the haughty brow of a Master, he put on the tender complacency of a Friend: but his endeavours were fruitless. At last meet­ing with an intire repulse, his love turn­ing to a fury, he endeavour'd to ravish the favours he cou'd not win by intreaty; at what time Tryph [...]ena unexpectedly came in, and observing his wantonness; in the greatest confusion he hid his head, and ran from h [...]r.

Upon which the more lustful Tryph [...]ena askt, and made me tell her, what those wanton Caresses meant; she was inspired with new heat at the relation; and mindful of our old Amours, offer'd to re­vive our former Commerce; but worn [Page 69] off my legs with those Employments, I gave her invitations, but an ill return; yet she with all the desires of a woman transported by her passion, threw her arms about me, and so closely lockt me in her Imbraces, I was forc'd to cry out; one of her Maids came in at the noise, and easily believing I wou'd force from her the favours I had deny'd her Mistress, rusht between, and loos'd the Bands: Try­ph [...]ena meeting with such a repulse, and even raging with desire, took it more grievous at my hands, and with threats at her going off, [...]lew to Lycas; not only to raise his resentments against me, but join with him in pursuit of revenge.

By the way observe, I had formerly been well receiv'd by this Attendant of Tryph [...]ena, when I maintain'd a Com­merce with her Mistress, upon that score she resented my converse with Tryph [...]ena, and deeply sighing, made me eager to know the occasion; when she, stepping back, thus began, If you had any sparks of the Gentleman in you, you'd value her no more than a common Prostitute; if you were a man you wou'd not descend to such a Jakes; these thoughts not a little disturb'd her; but I was asham'd of nothing more, than that Eumolpus, suspecting [Page 70] the occasion, shou'd in his next Verses make our suppos'd quarrel the subject of his Drollery; and lest my care to avoid it shou'd prove one means of discovering it.

When I was contriving how to pre­vent his suspicion, Eumolpus himself came in, already acquainted with what was done; for Tryph [...]ena had communicated her grief to Gito, and endeavour'd at his co [...]t to compensate the injury I had of­fer'd her. Upon which Eumolpus was on sire, and the more, b [...]cause her wantonness was an open breach of the Articles she had sign'd.

When the old Doctor saw me, pitying my misfortune, he desir'd to know the whole Scene from my self; I freely told him of the Gamesomeness of the lewd Lycas, and Tryph [...]ena's lust [...]ul ass [...]ult, that he was already well inform'd of; upon which, in a solemn Oath, he swore to vin­dicate our cause, and that Heaven was too just to suff [...]r so many Crimes to go un­punisht.

While we were thus ingag'd, a Storm arose; now thick Clouds, and th' inrag'd [...]od eclyp [...] the day, the Seamen fly to their Posts as fast as fear cou'd make 'em: and, pulling down the Sails, leave the V [...]ssel to the mercy of the Tempest; [Page 71] for the uncertain winds made them hope­less of any direct course; nor did the Pilot know which way to steer; some­times the unguided Ship was for [...]'d on the Coast of Sicily, o [...]ten by contrary Winds 'twas tost near Italy; and what was more dangerous than all, on a sud­den the gathering Clouds spread such horrid darkness all around, that the Pilot cou'd not see over the Fore-castle; upon which all despair'd of safety; when Lycas threw himself before me, and lifting up his trembling hands, I beseech you Encol­pius, began he, assist the distress'd, that is restore the Sacred Vest and Timbrel you took from the Image of the Goddess Isis; be merciful as you are wont. At what time a Whirl-wind snatcht him up, and threw him howling midst the flood, and soon a spiteful wave just shew'd him us, and drew him back again.

Tryph [...]ena, hastily taken up by her faithful Attendants, and plac'd with her chief Goods in the Skiff, avoided a most certain death.

I, lockt in Gito's Arms, not without tears, cry'd out, And this we have meri­ted of Heaven, that only Death should joyn us; but even now I fear Fortune will be against it; for see the Waves [Page 72] threaten to o'return the Vessel; and now the Tempest comes to burst the lov'd bands that unite us; therefore if you re­ally love Encolpius, let's kiss while we may, and snatch this last joy even in spite of our approaching Fate.

When I had thus said, Gito threw off his Mantle, and getting under mine, thrust his Head out at top to reach my Lips; but that the most malicious Wave might not ravish us asunder, he girt him­self to me with the Thong that bound his Wallet; and 'tis some comfort, said he, to think that by this the Sea will bear us the longer e're it can divorce us from each others Arms. Or, if in compas­sion it shou'd throw us on the same Shore, either the next that passes by wou'd give us a Monument of Stones, that by the common Laws of Humanity he wou'd cast upon us; or at least the angry Waves, that seem to conspire our separation, wou'd unwittingly bury us in one grave, with the sand their rage wou'd vomit up. I was satisfy'd with my Chain, and, as on my Death-bed, did now con­tentedly expect the coming hour.

In the mean time the Tempest, acting the D [...]crees of Fate, had rent all the Rig­ging from the Vessel; no Mast, no Rudder [Page 73] left, not a Rope or Plank, but an aw­kard shapeless body of a Ship tost up and down the flood.

The Fisher-men that inhabited the Sea­side, expecting a Booty, in all haste put out with their Boats; but when they saw those in the Vessel that cou'd defend their own; they chang'd their design of pillaging to succouring.

After a salute on both sides, unwonted Murmurs, like that of some Beast, la­bouring to get out, proceeded from be­neath the Masters Cabin; upon which, following the sound, we found Eumolpus sitting alone, and in his hand a large Scroll of Paper that he was filling, even to the Margent, with Verses; we all were amaz'd to see a man amuse himself with Poetry, at a time when he had reason to think each minute wou'd be his last, and having drawn him, making a great noise, from his hole, we endeavour'd to recover him from his Frenzy; but he was in such a heat to be disturb'd, that, 'S death, said he, let me make an end of this Couplet, it finishes the Poem; on which I took hold of the Mad man, and order'd the still murmuring Poet to be hall'd on Shore.

When with some trouble we had got him on Shore, we very pensively enter'd [Page 74] one of the Fishermen's Huts, and howe're we feasted on our Meats the Sea had cor­rupted, we had no comfortable night of 't.

The next day, as we were proposing how to bestow our selves, we discover'd an Human Body floating on a little Wave that made to Shore: I stood still con­cern'd, and began with more diligence to see, if what was presented to our view were real.

When finding it to be a mans; and who knows, I cry'd out, but this Wretch's Wi [...]e, in some part of the World, secure at home, may expect his coming; or perhaps a Son, ignorant of the fatal Storm, may wait the wisht arrival of his Father; who with so many Kis [...]es seal'd his unwilling parting: These are our great designs! va [...]n Mortals swell with promi­sing hopes, yet there's the issue of them all [...] see the mighty Nothing how it's tost!

When I had thus bemoan'd the Wretch, as one unknown, the Sea cast cast him on Land with his face, not much dis [...]i­ [...]igur'd, toward Heaven; upon which I made up to it, and easily knew that the but now terrible and implacable Lycas was lying at my feet.

[Page 75] I could not restrain my Tears; but, beating my Breast, Now where's, said I, your Rage? where your unruly Passions? now you're expos'd a prey to Fish and Beasts; and the poor Shipwrackt wretch, with all his boasted power, now has not one Plank of the great Ship he proudly call'd his own. After this, let Mortals flat­ter themselves with Golden Dreams; let the weary Miser heap up ill-got Wealth for many years; 'twas but ye­sterday this lifeless thing was priding in its Riches, and had fixt the very day he thought to return. How short, alas! lyes the poor wretch of his design! but 'tis not the Sea only we should fear: one the Wars deceive; another by some ac­cidental ruin, even at the Altar, meets a Grave; a third by a fall in running an­ticipates his arrival to the Goal; eating oft kills the Greedy; and Abstinence the Temperate. If we rightly consider it, in this Sea of Life we may be Shipwrackt every where; but we vainly lament the want of Burial to a wretch that's drown'd; as if it concern'd the perishing Carcass, whether Flames, Worms, or Fishes were its Cani­bals. Whatever way you are consum'd, the end of all's the same. But Fish, they object, will tear their Bodies; as if their [Page 76] Teeth were less gentle than the Flames; a punishment that we believe is the highest we can in [...]lict on Slaves that have provok'd us; therefore what madness is't to trouble our lives with the cares of our Burial after we're dead; when the best of us may meet the Fate he vainly strives with so much diligence to avoid?

After these Reflections, we perform'd the last office for the dead, and, tho' his Enemies, honour'd him with a Funeral Pile; but while Eumolpus was making an Epitaph, his Eyes roam'd here and there, to find an Image that might raise his Fancy.

When we had willingly acquitted our selves of this piece of Humanity to Lycas, we pursu'd our design'd Journey, and all in a sweat soon reacht the head of a neigh­bouring Hill, from whence we discover­ed a Town seated on the top of a high Mountain; we did not know it, till a Shep­herd inform'd us 'twas Crotona; the most ancient and once most flourishing City of Italy; when we enquir'd of him what sort of People inhabited this renown'd place, and what kinds of Commerce they chiefly maintain'd, since they were impo­verish'd by so many Wars?

[Page 77] Gentlemen, said he, if you have de­signs of Trading, you must go another way; but if you're of the admir'd sort of Men, that have the thriving qualifica­tions of Lying and Cheating, you're in the direct path to business; for in this City no Learning flourisheth; Eloquence has not a room here; Temperance, Good Manners, nor any Virtue can meet a re­ward; assure your selves of finding but two sorts of Men, and they are the Chea­ted, and those that Cheat. A Father takes no care of his Children, because the ha­ving of Heirs is such a mark of Infamy, that he who is known in that Circum­stance, dares not appear at any publick Game or Show, is deny'd all publick Pri­viledges, and only herds among those that all Men piss upon. But single Men, who have no tyes of Nature that oblige the disposal of their Wealth, are carress'd by all, and have the greatest Honours confer'd on 'em; they're the only Valo­rous, the only Brave; nay, and only in­nocent too. You're going to a City, added he, like a Field in a Plague-time, where you can observe nothing but one Man devouring another, as Crows dead Carcasses.

[Page 78] The prudent Eumolpus, at a thing so surprizingly new, began to be thought­ful, and confest that way to riches did not displease him. I believ'd it the effect of a Poetick Gaiety, that had not le [...]t his years: When, I wish, continu'd he, I cou'd maintain a greater figure, as well in Habit as Attendants, 'twou'd give a better colour to my pretences: By Her­cules, I'd throw by the Wallet, and soon advance all our Fortunes.

Promising therefore to supply his wants, we have with us, said I, the Sacred Vest of Isis, and all the Booty we made at Lycurgus's Village; and you have given me such hopes, Eumolpus, added I, that were the Goddess her self in my power, I'd pawn her for Money to carry on the design.

Upon which, said Eumolpus, why de­lay we the bringing of our hands in use? and if you like the Proposal let me be call'd your Master.

None e're cond [...]mn'd a project that was no charge to him; therefore to be true to his interest, we engag'd in an Oath before we wou'd discover the Cheat to suffer ten thousand Racks; and thus like free-born Gladiators selling our Liberty, we Religiously devoted both Soul and Body to our new Master.

[Page 79] After the Solemn Ceremonies of our Oath were ended; like Slaves, at a di­stance, we salute the Master of our own making. When beginning to exercise his Authority, he commanded us to report that our ancient Lord (meaning him) griev'd at the loss of a Son, who was a great Orator and comfort to his age, was unhappily forc'd to quit the place of his Abode, lest the daily salutes of those that expected Preferment under him, or Visits of his Companions, might be the conti­nual occasions of Tears; and the late Ship­wrack had added to his grief, having lost to the value of twenty thousand Crowns; tho' he was not so much con­cern'd at the loss of his Money, as of his large Retinue; that, he fear'd, would make them not proportion their thoughts to his greatness; and to add, that our Lord had Mortgages almost on half the Estates in Afric [...] and mighty Sums at use on Personal Security; and cou'd raise of his own Gladiators, disperst about Nu­midia, a Force able to Plunder Car­thage.

After this, that his Actions might a­agree with his condition, 'twas conclu­ded necessary to wear a [...] air of discon­tent; that he should with a stately stiffness, [Page 80] like Quality, often Cough, and spit about the Room; that his words might come the more faintly from him; that in the eye of the world he shou'd refuse to eat or drink; ever talking of Riches, and sometimes, to confirm their belief, shou'd break into these words; Strange that such or such a Seat shou'd disappoint my expectation, that us'd to be blest with so large an increase! And that nothing might be wanting to compleat the hu­mour, as often as he had occasion to call any of us, he shou'd use one name for an­other; that it might [...]asily appear how mindful the Lord was even of those Ser­vants he had left in Africk.

Matters thus order'd, having, as all that wou'd thrive in the world, implor'd the assistance of Heaven, we began our march, but both Gito did not like his new slave­ry, and Eumolpus's hir'd Servant, bearing most of our Baggage, in a little time be­ginning to be uneasie in his service, wou'd often rest his burden; and with ten thou­sand wry looks, and as many curses for our going so fast, at last swore he would either leave his charge, or go quite away with't. 'S death, said he, d'ye think I'm a Pack-horse, or a Dray, that you load me thus? I was hir'd for a Man, not a [Page] Horse; nor am I less a Gentleman by birth, than any of you all [...] tho' my Fa­ther left me in a mean condition [...] Nor con­tent with reproaches, but getting before us, he lift up one Leg, and, venting his Choler at the wrong end, [...]ill'd our No­strils with a beastly scent.

Gito mockt his humour, and for every crack he gave, return'd the like, that one ill-scent might stiffle another.

But even here Eumolpus returning to his old humour: Young men, began he, this Poetry deceives many; for not only every one that is able to give a Verse its numbers, and spin out his feeble sence in a long train of words, has the vanity to think himself inspir'd; but Pleaders at the Bar, when they wou'd give themselves a loose from business, apply themselves to Poetry, as an Entertainment without trouble; believing it easier to compile a Poem than maintain a Controversie, a­dorn'd with a few florid Sentences [...] But neither will a generous Spirit affect the empty sound of words; nor can a mind, unless enricht with Learning, be deliver'd of a birth of Poetry; there must be the purity of Language, no Porterly ex­pression, or meanness, as I may call it, of words is to be admitted; but a stile perfectly [Page 82] above the common, and with Ho­race,—

Besides, you must be strictly diligent [...] that your Expressions appear of a piece with the Body of the Discourse, and your Colours so laid, that each may contribute to the beauty of the whole. Greece has given us a Homer and the Lyricks for Examples; Rome a Virgil and an Horace; the purity of whose Language is so hap­pily correct, others either never saw the path that leads to Poetry, or seeing, were afraid to tread it. To describe the Civil Wars of Rome wou'd be a Master-piece, the unletter'd head that offers at it, will sink beneath the weight of so great a work; for to relate past Actions, is not so much the business of a Poet, as an Hi­storian; the boundless Genius of a Poet strikes through all Mazes, introduces Gods, and puts the invention on the rack for Poetick Ornaments; that it may ra­ther seem a Prophetick [...]ury, than a strict relation, with witnesses of meer truth. As for example, this rapture, tho' I have not given it the last hand.

When Eumolpus [...] with his usual freedom, had deliver'd himself of th [...]s, we arrived at Crotona; where having refresht our selves in a little Inn we took up at, the [Page 98] next day, designing an Enlargement of our House and Fortune, we fell into the company of some Parasitical Corbacchio's; who immediately enquir'd what we were, and whence we came? When, accor­ding to our contrivance, prudently ad­vancing our Characters, we told the credulous Parasites whence we came, and who we were. Upon which, immediately all their Fortunes were at Eumolpus's Feet; and each, to ingratiate himself into his favour, strove to exceed the rest in pre­senting him.

While this Flood of Fortune was for a long time flowing on us, Eumolpus, 'midst his happiness, having lost the me­mory of his former condition, so boasted his Interest, that he affirm'd, none in Crotona cou'd resist his desires; and that what e're Crime any of us shou'd act, he had Friends enough to wipe off the Guilt.

But, tho' our daily increasing Riches, left my pamper'd body no desire unsatis­fy'd; and tho' I slatter'd my self into an opinion that ill Fortune had taken her last leave of me, yet not only the thoughts of my present condition, but the [...]ans of getting to't, wou'd oft [...]r [...]ak in upon my Joys, and bitt [...]r all [Page 99] the sweet. And what, said I to my self, if some one, wiser than the rest, shou'd dispatch a Messenger for Africk; shou'd not we soon be discover'd? What if the Slave Eumolpus, pickt up, glutted with his present happiness, shou'd betray us to his Companions, and maliciously disco­ver the whole Cheat? we should then be put upon the strole again, and be oblig'd with shame to renew our former beggery. Heavens, how ill it fares with wicked lives! they ever expect the punishment they deserve.

‘Going out full of these thoughts to di­vert my concern, I resolv'd on a Walk, but I had scarce got into a publick one, e're a pretty Girl made up to me, and calling me Polyaenus, told me her Lady wou'd be proud of an opportunity to speak with me.’

‘You're mistaken, Sweet heart, return'd I, in a little heat, I'm but a Servant, of another Country too, and not worthy of so great a favour.’

No Sir, said she, I have commands to you; but because you know what you can do, you're proud; and if a Lady wou'd receive a favour from you, I see she must buy it: For to what end are all those allurements, [...]orsooth? the Curl'd [Page 100] Hair, the Complexion advanc'd by a Wash, and the wanton roll of your Eyes, the study'd Air of your Gate? unless by showing your Parts, to invite a Purcha­ser? For my part I am neither a Witch, nor a Conjurer, yet can guess at a Man by his Physiognomy. And when I find a Spark walking, I know his Contempla­tion. To be short, Sir, if so be you are one of them that [...]ell their Ware, I'll procure you a Merchant; but if you're a Courteous Lender, confer the benefit. As for your being a Servant, and below, as you say, such a favour, it increa [...]es the flames of her that's dying for you [...] 'Tis the wild Extravagance of some Women to be in love with Filth, nor can be rais'd to an appetite, but by the Charms forsooth of some Slave or La [...]quy; some can be pleas'd with nothing but the strutting of a Prize-fighter with a Hack [...]-face, and a Red Ribbon in his Shir [...]: Or an Actor betray'd to prostitute him [...]lf on th' Stage, by the vanity of showing his pretty Shapes th [...]re; of this sort is my Lady; who indeed, ad [...]d she, prefers the paul­try Lover of the Upper G [...]ll [...]ry, with his dirty Face, and Oaken [...] to all th [...] [...]ine Gentlemen of the Boxes, with their Patches, Gunpowder-spo [...]s, and Toothpickers. [Page 101] When pleas'd with the humour of her Talk, I beseech you, Child, said I, are you the the that's so in love with my person? Upon which the Maid fell in­to a fit of Laughing. I wou'd not re­turn'd she, have you so extr [...]amly [...]lat­ter your self, I never yet truckl'd to a Waiter, nor will Venus allow I shou'd im­brace a Gibbet. You must address your self to Ladies that kiss the Ensigns of Slavery; be assur'd that I, though a Ser­vant, have too fine a tast to converse with any below a Knight. I was amaz'd at the relation of such unequal passions, and thought it miraculous to find a Servant, with the scornful pride of a Lady, and a Lady with the humility of a Servant.

Our pleasant Discourse continuing, I desir'd her to bring her Lady: she rea­dily consented, and taking hold of her Petticoats, tript it into a Lawrel Laby­rinth, that border'd on the Walk; 'twas not long e're she usher'd her Lady to me; a Beauty excelling even the [...]lattery of Painters; words can't express so perfect a Creature; whatever I shou'd say of her wou'd fall short of what she was. Her Hair spread all o're her Shoulders, and seem'd in easie Curls to wanton in [Page 102] the Air. Her Forehead oval, and that naturally inclin'd the Hair to its advan­tage. The proportion of her Eye-brows was most correct. Her Eyes eclypst the Glory of the brightest Star. Her Nose had an easie turn, and Mouth was such Praxiletes believ'd Venus had. Then her Chin, her Neck, her Arms, and Feet, gent­ly girt with Embroider'd Sandals, to whose whiteness the Parian Marble wou'd s [...]rve but as a [...]oil. 'Twas then I began to despise my old Mistress Doris. And thus broke out:

She was pleas'd, and smil'd with such an air, that, [...]he seem'd like the Moon in [...]ll her Glories breaking through a Cloud; [...]hen addressing her self, her pretty Fin­gers humouring the turn of her Voice, If [Page 103] a fine Woman [...] and that but this year, has been acquainted with a Man, said she, may deserve your love, let me commend a Mistress to you. I am sensible you have a Comrade already, nor have I thought it below me to inquire it: But why not a Mistress too? I enter the List on the same bottom with your Comrade; nor do I desire to engross all the Caresses; only think me deserving, and confer them as you please.

Let me beseech you, Madam, return'd I, by all those Cupids in your Face and Meen, not to scorn to admit a stranger in­to the number of your Admir [...]rs. You'l find him most Religious, if you accept his Devotions, and that you shou'd not suspect I believe the way to this Heaven, unlike all others, may be trod Gratis, I present you with my Comrade.

What? said she, do you give him without whom you cou'd not live? On whose lips your very Being hangs? Whom you so love, as I cou'd you. Her words were attended with [...]uce a Grace at their delivery, and the sweet [...]ound so charm'd the yielding air, you wou'd have sworn some Syren had been breath­ing Melodies. Thus rapt with every thing so amazing, and fancying a Glory [Page 104] shin'd in every part, I ventur'd to enquire what name the Goddess own'd? My Maid, I [...]perceive, said she, has not inform'd you, I am call'd Circe; I would not have you believe, tho' I bear that name, that I de­rive my original from Apollo; nor that my Mother, while she lay in the God's Imbraces, held the fiery Steeds: Yet I shall know enough of Heaven, if Fate will give you to my Arms. And who knows the dark Decrees? Therefore come, my Dear, and Crown my Wishes. Nor need you fear any Malicious distur­ber of our Joys. Your Comrade is far enough from hence.

Upon which, she threw her Downy Arms about me, and led me to a Plat of Ground, the Pride of Nature, deckt with a gay variety of every pleasing ob­ject.

[Page 105] Here we prepar'd for Battel, and through ten thousand Kisses prest to a closer engagement; but a sudden weak­ness rob'd me of my arms. Thus cheated in her expectation, she highly resenting it, askt whether her Lips, her Breath, or some ill scent of any part of her, offended me? Or if none of those, whether I fear'd Gito?

I was so asham'd of my self, that if there was any spark of the Man left in me, I lost it. And finding every part of me feeble, and as it were lifeless: I be­seech you, Madam, said I, don't tri­umph o're my misery: I'm surely be­witcht.

‘So slight an excuse cou'd not allay her resentment, but giving me a disdainful glance,’ she turn'd to her Maid, and, I prithee Crysis, said she, be free with me, don't flatter your Mistress, Is there any thing misbecoming or ungentile about me? Or have I us'd Art to hide any na­tural deformity? I don't know how you've drest me to day.

Upon which, e're Chrysis cou'd make a return, she snatcht a Pocket-glass from her, and after she had practis'd all her Looks, to try if any appear'd less charm­ing than before, she took hold of her [Page 106] Petticoats that were a little rumpl'd with lying on, and immediately ran to a Neighbouring Temple dedicated to Venus.

I could not tell what to say or do, but as if I had seen a Vision, at last be­gan with horror to consider whether I had been rob'd of any real joy.

‘This misfortune might make me justly think it not only a true Vision, but real Witchcraft; for I had so long lost my strength I cou'd not rise: my mind at last, a little freed, began by degrees to recover its vigour, upon which I went to my Lodging, and dissembling a faint­ness, lay down on the bed. A little after Gito, being inform'd I was ill, came to me [Page 107] much troubl'd; but to allay his concern, I told him I was only a little weary, and had a mind for a Nap. Several things I talkt to him of, but not a word of my last adventure, for I was afraid because I knew he envy'd every one that had a Charm for me, and to prevent his suspi­cion, throwing my Arms about him, I endeavour'd to give a proof of my love; but disappointed of the expectation I had rais'd him to, he rose very angry from my side, and accusing my weakness, and strange behaviour to him, told me that of late he had found my chief favours were bestow'd in anothers Arms.’

‘My Love to you, Gito, said I, has ever been the same, but now my Dan­cing days submit to reason.’

Therefore, said he, Laughing at me, in the name of Socrates, I thank you, be­cause like him, you propose to love me: Alcibiades, Encolpius, did not rise a Vir­gin from that Philosopher's side.

Then added I, believe me, Gito, I hardly know I've any thing of Man about me, now useless lyes the terrible part, where once I was Achilles.

When he found how unfit I was to confer the Favours he wanted, and to prevent a suspicion of his privacy with [Page 108] me, he jumpt up and ran to another part of the House.

He was hardly gone, e're Chrysis en­ter'd my Chamber, and gave me a Billet from her Mistress, in which I found this written:

HAD I rais'd my expectation, I might deceiv'd, complain; now I'm oblig'd to your impotence, that has made me sensible how much too long I have trifl'd with mistaken hopes of plea­sure. Tell me, Sir, how you design to bestow your self, and whether you dare rashly venture home on your own Legs? for no Physician ever allow'd it cou'd be done without strength. Let me advise your tender years to beware of a Palsie: I never saw any body in such danger be­fore. On my Conscience you are just going! and shou'd the same rude Chillness seize your other parts. I might be soon, alas! put upon the severe trial of weep­ing at your Funeral. But if you would not suspect me of being sincere, tho' my resentment can't equal the injury, yet I shall not envy the Cure of a weak un­happy Wretch. If you wou'd recover your strength, ask Gito, or rather not ask him for't.—I can assure a return of [Page 109] your vigour if you cou'd sleep three nights alone: As to my self I am not in the least apprehensive of appearing to another less Charming than I have to you. I am told neither my Glass nor report does flatter me. Farewell, if you can.

When Chrysis [...]ound I had read the re­proach, this is the custom, Sir, said she, and chiefly of this City, where the Wo­men are skill'd in Magick-charms, enough to make the Moon confess their power; therefore the recovery of any useful In­strument of Love becomes their care; 'tis only writing some soft tender things to my Lady, and you make her happy in a kind return. For 'tis confest, since her Disappointment, she has not been her self; I readily consented, and calling for Paper, thus addrest my self:

'TIS confest, Madam, I have often sinned, for I'm not only a Man, but a very young one, yet never left the Field so dishon [...]ably before. You have at your Fe [...]t [...] con [...]essing Criminal, that deserves whatever you [...] I have cut a Throat, betray'd m [...] Country, com­mitted Sacril [...]ge; if a p [...]ishment for any of these will serve, I am ready [...]o [Page 110] receive sentence. If you fancy my death, I wait you with my Sword; but if a beating will content you, I fly naked to your Arms. Only remember, that 'twas not the Workman, but his Instruments that fail'd: I was ready to engage, but wanted Arms. Who rob'd me of them, I know not; perhaps my eager mind out­run my body; or while with an unhap­py haste I aim'd at all; I was cheated with abortive joys. I only know I don't know what I've done: You bid me fear a Palsie, as if the Disease cou'd do greater that has already rob'd me of that, by which I shou'd have purchas'd you. All I have to say for my self, is this, that I will certainly pay with interest the Ar­rears of Love, if you allow me time to repair my misfortune.

Having sent back Chrysis with this An­swer, to encourage my jaded Body, a [...]ter the Bath and [...]trengthning Oyles, had a little rais'd me, I apply'd my self to pro­vocation-meats, such as strong Broths and Eggs, using Wine very moderately; upon which to settle my self, I took a little Walk, and returning to my Cham­ber, slept tha [...] night without Gito; so great was my care to acquit my self honourably [Page 111] with my Mistress, that I was afraid he might have tempted my con­stancy, by tickling my side.

The next day rising without prejudice, either to my body or spirits, I went, tho' I fear'd the place was ominous, to the same Walk, and expected Chrysis to con­duct me to her Mistress; I had not been long there, e're she came to me, and with her a little Old Woman. After she had saluted me, What, my nice Sir Courtly, said she, does your Stomach be­gin to come to you?

At what time, the Old Woman, drawing from her bosome, a wreath of many colours, bound my Neck; and having mixt spittle and dust, she dipt her finger in't, and markt my Fore head, whether I wou'd or not.

When this part of the Charm was over, she made me spit thrice, and as often prest to my bosome Enchanted Stones, that she had wrapt in purple; after which, she began to exam [...]n my Breeches, when quick as thought, the swelling Inhabitant obey'd her power, and gave her above two hands-full: She, was all joy; and d'ye see, my Chrysis, said she, d'ye see what a Hare I have started, for another to have the pleasure of the Chace.

‘After this, the Old Woman presented me to Chrysis; who was very glad she had recover'd her Mistress's Treasure; and therefore hastning to her, she con­ducted me to a most pleasant retreat, deckt with all that Nature cou'd pro­duce to please the sight.’

She was in an undress, reclining on a flow­ry bank, and diverting her self with a Myr­tle Branch; as soon as I appear'd, she blusht, as mindful of her disappointment: [Page 113] Chrysis, very prudently withdrew, and when we were left together, I approacht the Temptation; at what time, she skreen'd my face with the Myrtle, and as if there had been a wall between us, becoming more bold; what, my chill'd Spark, began she, have you brought all your self to day?

Do you ask, Madam, I return'd, ra­ther than try? and throwing my self to her, that with open Arms was eager to receive me, we kist a little Age away; when giving the signal to prepare for other Joys, she drew me to a more close Imbrace; and now, our murmuring Kisses their sweet fury tell; now, our twining Limbs, try'd every fold of Love; now, lockt in each others Arms, our Bodies and our Souls are join'd: But even here, alas! even amidst these sweet be­ginnings, a suddain chillness prest upon my Joys, and made me leave 'em not compleat.

Circe, enrag'd to be so affronted, had recourse to Revenge, and calling the Grooms that belong'd to the House, made them give me a warming; nor was she satisfi'd with this, but calling all the Ser­vant-Wenches, and meanest of the House, she made 'em spit upon me. I hid my [Page 114] Head as well as I cou'd, and, without b [...]gging pardon, for I knew what I had deserv'd, am turn'd out of doors, with a large Retinue of kicks and spittle: Pro­selenos, the Old Woman was turn'd out too, and Chrysis beaten; and the whole Family wondering with themselves, enquir'd the Cause of their Lady's dis­order.

I hid my bruizes as well as I cou'd, lest my Rival Eumolpus might sport with my shame, or Gito be concern'd at it; therefore, as the only way to disguise my Misfortune, I began to dissemble Sick­ness, and having got in Bed, to revenge my self of that part of me, that had been the Cause of all my Misfortunes; when taking hold of it,

[Page 115] At what time, raising my self on the Bed, in this or the like manner, I re­proacht the [...]ullen impotent: With what face can you look up, thou shame of Hea­ven and Man? that can'st not be seriously mention'd Have I deserv'd from you, when rais'd within sight of Heavens of Joys, to be struck down to the lowest Hell? To have a scandal fixt on the very prime and vi­gour of my Years, and to be reduc'd to the weakness of an Old Man? I beseech you, Sir, give me an Epitaph on my de­parted vigour; tho' in a great heat I had thus said,

Nor when I had done, did I less re­pent of my ridiculous Passion, and with a conscious blush, began to think, how unaccountable it was, that forgetting all shame, I shou'd contend with that part of me, that all Men of Sence, reckon not worth their thoughts. A little after, relapsing to my former humour: But what's the Crime, began I, if by a Na­tural complaint I was eas'd of my grief? [Page 116] or how is it, that we blame our Stomachs or Bellies, when 'tis our Heads that are distemper'd? Did not [...]lysses beat his breast [...] as if that had disturb'd him? And don't we see the Actors punish their Eyes, as if they heard the Tragick Scene? Those that have the Gout in their Legs, Swear at them: Those that have it in their Fingers, do so by them: Those that have [...]ore Eyes, are angry with their Eyes.

There's nothing more deceitful than a ridiculous Opinion, nor more ridicu­lous, than an affected Gravity. After this, I call'd Gito to me; and tell me, said I, but sincerely, whether Ascyltos, when he took you from me, pursu'd the injury that Night, or was Chastly content [Page 117] to lye alone? The Boy with his [...]inger at his E [...]es, took a solemn Oath, that [...]e had no incivility offer'd him by Ascyltos.

This drove me to my Wits end, nor did I well know what to [...]ay: For why, I consider'd, shou'd I think of the twice mischievous accident that lately be [...]ell me? At last, I did what I cou'd to reco­ver my vigour; and willing to invoke the assistance of the Gods, I went out to pay my Devotions to Priapus, and as wretched as I was, did not despair, but kneeling at the entry of the Chamber, thus beseecht the God:

While I was thus at Prayers, an Old Woman, with her hair about her Eyes, and disfigur'd with a mournful Habit, coming in, disturb'd my Devotions; when taking hold of me, she drew me all fear out of the entry; and what Hag, said she, has devour'd your M [...]nhood? Or what Ominous Carcass have you s [...]umbl'd over in your Nightly walks? You have not acquitted your self above a Boy; but [...]aint, weak, and like a Horse o're-charg'd in a steep, tyr'd, have lo [...]t your toyl and sweat; nor content to sin alone, but you have unreveng'd against me, provokt the off [...]nded Gods.

[Page 119] When leading me, obedient to all her Commands, a second time to the Cell of a Neighbouring Pries [...]ess of Priapus; she threw me upon the Bed, and taking up a stick that fastned the door, reveng'd her self on me, that very patiently re­ceiv'd her [...]ury: and at the first stroak, if the breaking of the stick had not lessned its [...]orce, she might have broke my Head and Arm.

I groan'd, and hiding with my Arm my Head, in a flood of [...]ears lean'd on the Pillow: Nor did she then, less troubled, [...]it on the Bed, and began in a shrill voice to blame her Age, till the Priestess came in upon us; and what, said she, do you do in my Chappel, as if some Funeral had lately been, rather than a Holy-day, in which, even the mournful are merry.

Alas, my Enothea! said she, this Youth was born under an ill Star; for neither Boy nor Maid can raise him to a perfect Appetite; you ne're beheld a more un­happy Man: In his Garden, the weak Willow, not the lusty Cedar grows; in short, you may guess what he is, that co [...]'d rise Unblest from Circe's Bed.

Upon this, Enothe [...] [...]ixt h [...]r self be­tween us, and moving her H [...]ad a while; [Page 120] I, said she, am the only one that can give a Remedy for that Disease; and not to delay it, let him sleep with me to Night; and next Morning, Examine how vigorous I shall have made him.

[Page 121] I shook with fear at such a Romantick Promise, and began more intentively to view the Old Woman: Upon which, she cry'd out, O Enothea, be as good as your word; when, carefully wiping her Hands, she lay down on the Bed, and half smother'd me with Kisses.

Enothea, in the middle of the Altar, plac'd a Turf-Table, which she heapt with burning coals, and her old crackt Cup (for Sacrifice) repair'd with tem­per'd pitch; when she had fixt it to the smoaky-wall from which she took it; putting on her Habit, she plac'd a Kettle by the Fire, and took down a Bag that hung near her, in which, a Bean was kept for that use, and a very aged piece of a Hog's Forehead, with the print of a hundred cuts out; when opening the bag, she threw me a part of the Bean, and bid me carefully strip it. I obey her Command, and try, without daubing my [...]ingers, to deliver the grain from its nasty coverings; but she, blaming my dullness, snatcht it from me, and skilfully tearing its shells with her Teeth, spit the black morsels from her, that lay like dead Flies on the ground. How ingenious is Poverty, and what strange Arts will Hunger teach? The Priestess seem'd so great a [Page 122] Lover of this sort of Life, that her Hu­mour appear'd in every thing about her, and her Hut might be truly term'd, Sa­cred to Poverty.

After which, she tasted of the flesh, and hanging the rest, old as her self, on the hook again; the rotten Stool on which [Page 123] she was mounted breaking, threw her on the fire, her fall split the Kettle, and what it held put out the fire; she burnt her Elbow, and all her face was hid with the ashes that her fall had rais'd.

Thus disturb'd, I arose, and Laughing, took her up; immediately, le [...]t any thing shou'd hinder [...]he offering, she ran for new fire to the Neighbourhood, and had hardly got to the door, e're I was set up­on by three Sacred Geese, that daily, I believe, about that time were fed by the Old Woman; they made an hideous noise, and, surrounding me, one tears my Coat, another my Shooes, while their furious Captain made nothing of doing so by my Legs; till seeing my self in danger, I began to be in earnest, and snatching up one of the [...]eet of our little Table, made the valiant Animal feel my arm'd hand; nor content with a slight blow or two, but reveng'd my self with its death.

By this time the other two had eat up the pieces of the Bean that lay scatter'd on the Floor, and having lost their Lea­der, return'd to the Temple. When glad of the Booty, and my revenge, I hea [...]'d the slight Wound in my Leg with Vine­gar. But fearing the Old Womans an [...]er, I design'd to make off; and taking up my Cloaths, began my march; nor had I reacht the door, e're I saw Enothea bring­ing in her hand an Earthen Pot fill'd with Fire; upon which I retreated, and throw­ing down my Cloaths, [...]ixt my self in the Entry, as if I were impatiently expect­ing her coming.

Enothea, entring, plac'd the Fire, that with broken Sticks she had got together, and having heapt more Wood upon those, began to excuse her stay, that her Friend wou'd not let her go before she had, against the Laws of Drinking, taken off three Healths together. When look­ing about her, What, said she, have you been doing in my absence? Where's the Bean?

[Page 125] I, who thought I had behav'd my self very honourably, told her the whole fight; and to end her grief, for the loss of the Bean, presented the Goose: when I shew'd the Goose, the Old Woman set up such an out [...]cry, that you wou'd have thought the Geese were re-entring the place.

In confusion and amaz'd, at so strange a humour, I askt the meaning of her passion? or why she pity'd the Goose ra­ther than me.

But wringing her hands, you wicked Wretch, said she, d'ye speak too? D'ye know what you've done? You've kill'd the Gods delight, a Goose the pleasure of all Matrons: And, lest you shou'd think your self innocent, if a Magistrate shou'd hear of it, you'd be hang'd. You have defil'd with blood my Cell, that to this day had been inviolate. You have done that, for which, if any's so malicious, he may expel me my Office.

Upon which, I beseech you [...] said I, don't grieve, I'll recompence the loss of your Goose with an Ostrich.

While amaz'd I spoke, she sat down on the Bed, lamented her loss; at what time Proselenas came in with the Sacrifice, and viewing the murder'd Goose, and enqui­ring the cause, began very earnestly to cry and pity me, as it had been a Father, not a Goose I had slain. But tired with this stuff, I beseech ye, said I, tell me, tho' it had been a Man I kill'd, won't Gold wipe off the Guilt? See here are two Pieces of Gold: with these you may purchase Gods as well as Geese.

Which, when Enothea beheld, Pardon me, Young Man, said she, I am only concern'd for your safety, which is an argument of Love, not Hatred; there­fore we'll take what care we can to pre­vent a discovery: You have nothing to do, but intreat the Gods to forgive the Sin.

While my thoughts were thus engag'd, she plac'd a Cup of Wine under my hands, and having cleans'd my prophane extended fingers with sacred Leeks and Parsley, threw into the Wine, with some Ejaculation, Hazel-Nuts, and as they sunk or swam gave her judgment; but I well knew the empty rotten ones wou'd swim, and those of entire Kernels go to the bottom.

When applying her self to the Goose, from its open'd Breast, she drew a lusty Liver, and then told me my future For­tune. But that no mark of the Murder might be left, she [...]ixt the rent Goose to a Spit, which, as she said, she had fatten'd [Page 128] a little before, as sensible it was to die.

In the mean time the Wine went bri [...]kly [...]ound, and now the Old Women gladly devour the Goose, they so lately lamen­ted; when they had pickt its Bones, Enothea half drunk, turn'd to me; and now, said she, I'll finish the Charm that recovers your strength: When drawing out a Leathern Ensign of Priapus, She dipt it in a medley of Oyl, small Pepper, and the bruis'd seed of Nettles, and be­gan by degrees to direct its passage through my hinder parts; with this mix­ture sh [...] barbarously sprinkl'd my Man­hood; and with the juice of Cresses and Suthernwood washing the Plat around it, began with a bunch of Green Nettle, to strike gently all the Vale below my Navel. Upon which jumping from her, to avoid the sting, I m [...]de off. The Old Women in a great rage pursu'd me, and, tho' drunk with Wine, and their more hot desires, took the right way; and follow'd me through two or three Villa­ges, crying stop Thief; but with my hands all bloody, in the hasty flight, I got off.

When I got home, to ease my wearied Limbs, I went to Bed, but the thoughts [Page 129] my misfortunes would not let me sleep; when considering how unparallel'd a Wretch I was, I cry'd out, Did my ever cruel Fortune want the afflictions of love to make me more miserable? O un­happiness! Fortune and Love conspire my ruin. Severer love spares me no way, or loving, or belov'd, a Wretch: Chrysis adores me, and is ever giving me occa­sions to address: She, that when she brought me to her Mistress, despis'd me for my mean habit as one beneath her desires; that very Chrysis that so scorn'd my former fortune, pursues this even with the hazard of her own; and swore, when she first discover'd to me the violence of her love, that she wou'd be ever true to me. But Circe's in possession of my heart, I value none but her; and indeed who wears such Charms? Compar'd to her [...] what was Ariadne or Lyda? what Helen, or even Venus? Paris himself the Um­pire of the wanton Nymphs, if with these eyes he had seen her contending for the Golden Apple, wou'd have given both his Helen, and the Goddesses for her. If I might be admitted to kiss her sweet lips again, or once more press her di­vinely rising Breasts, perhaps my vigour wou'd revive, which now I believe lyes [Page 130] opprest by Witchcraft. I shou'd dispence with m [...] reproaches, shou'd for [...] that I was beat; esteem my b [...]ing [...] out of doors, [...] sport; so I might b [...] again hap­py in her favour.

These thoughts an [...] [...]he im [...]ge of the b [...]autiful C [...]rces so [...]is'd my mind, that I oft, as if my love was in my a [...]ms, with a great deal of frui [...]less ardor hug'd the Bed-cloaths, till out of patienc [...] with the lasting a [...]l [...]ction I began to reproach my impotence; yet recovering my presence of mind, I sl [...]w for comfort to the mis­fortunes of ancient Hero's and thus broke out:

Full of anxious car [...]s I spent the night: and Gito, inform'd tha [...] [...] lay at hom [...] enter'd [Page 131] my Chamber by day-break, when having passionately complain'd of my loose life, h [...] [...]old m [...] the Family took much notice of my behaviour, that I was seldom in waiting, and [...]hat perhaps the Company I kept wou'd be my ruin.

By this I understood he was inform'd of my Affairs; and that some one had been in pursuit of me; upon which I askt my Gito whether any body was to enquire for me? Not this day, said he, but yesterday there came a very pretty Woman, who, when she had tir'd me with a long si [...]tting-Dis­course; at last told me you deserv'd to be punisht, and shou'd as a Slave, if you longer complain'd.

This so sensibly touch'd me, that I be­gan afresh to reproach Fortune: Nor had I done, e're Chrysis came in, and wildly throwing her Arms about me: Now, said she, I'll hold my wish, you're my Love, my Joy; nor may you think to quench this slame, but by a more close embrace.

I was much disturb'd at Chrysi's Wan­tonness, and gave her [...]air Language, to [Page 132] get rid of her; for I was very apprehen­sive of the danger of Eumolpus's hearing it, since his Good Fortune had made him so proud. I did therefore what I could to appease her rage; I dissembl'd love, whisper'd soft things, and in short manag'd it so like a Lover, that she be­liev'd me one. I made her understand in what danger we both were, if she shou'd be found with me in that place, and that our Lord Eumolpus punisht the least offence. Upon which she immedi­ately made out, and the more hastily, because she saw Gito returning, who had left me a little before she came.

She was scarce out, when on a sud­den one of the Slaves came to me, and told me that our Lord so highly resen­ted my two days absence, that unless, as he advised me, I invented a good ex­cuse to allay his heat, I shou'd certainly be punish'd.

Gito perceiving how concern'd I was, spoke not a word of the Woman, but advis'd me to behave my self merrily to Eumolpus, rather than serious. I pur­su'd the counsel, and put on so pleasant [Page 133] a face that he receiv'd me in Drollery, without the grave stiffness of a Master: He was plea [...]ant on the success of my Amours: Prais'd my Meen and Wit that was so agreeable to the Ladies: and I'm no stranger, said he, to your love of a very beautiful Lady. But now, En­colpius, that rightly manag'd, may turn to our advantage; therefore do you P [...]r­sonate the Lover, I'll continue the Cha­racter I've begun.

He was yet speaking, when there en­ter'd the Room a very Venerable Ma­tron, her Name Philumene, who by the well manag'd Virtues of her S [...]x had of­ten got great Boo [...]ies, and now grown old, and past her blooming years, she'd thrust her Son and Daughter upon child­less Old-men, and thus continue her de­vice. She therefore comes to Eumolpus, and addressing, commends her Children to his Conduct, that her self, and all her hopes she committed to his wisdom: that he was the only one in this world that with useful Precepts cou'd daily in­form the minds of young people. In short, that she wou'd leave her Children there, to hear his Wisdom, which was [Page 134] the only portion she cou'd give them: Nor was she worse than her word; and leaving a very beautiful Girl, with her little Brother, went out with pretence to pay Heaven publick thanks in the Temple for what she had receiv'd. Eu­molpus to whom my self seem'd but a Boy, immediately invi [...]ed the Girl to sa­cri [...]ice to Priapus; but having publickly reported him [...]elf to be Gouty and feeble, it might endanger his fortune to alter his Character. Ther [...]fore to maint [...]in his pretence, he intr [...]ted the Girl to [...]a­vour his weakness by [...]tting uppermost; the [...]oy he order'd to get under the Bed, [...]hat placing his hands on the Ground, with his Body he might move him up and down. He unwillingly obey'd; and now in a just motion keeps time with his Sister above. [...]ut when the business was coming to an issue, Eumolpus loudly call'd to the Boy to quicken his strokes; and thus plac'd between his Mi­stress, and the Boy, unconcern'd enjoy'd an [...]asi [...] luxury at others toil and sin. Eumolpus pleas'd with the conc [...]it, often rep [...]ated his humour. And I [...]oo, [...]earing my Virtues might rust by di [...]use, wh [...]e the Boy was admiring his Sisters [Page 135] moving Engine, advanc'd to try whe­ther he would be a Patient in Love. The discreet Youth did not reject the invitati­on, but my adverse fortune still attended me.

I was not so concern'd at this as the former; for a little after my strength re­turn'd, and finding my self more vigor­ous, I cry'd ou [...], the courteous Gods are greater that have made me whole again. For Mercury, that conveys and recon­veys our souls, by his [...]avour [...] has restor'd. wh [...]t his a [...]ger had [...]iz'd: now I shall be in as great es [...]e [...]m as Protesilaus or any of the A [...]tient [...]. Upon which taking up my Cloaths, I shew'd my whole self to Eumolpus, he startl'd at first [...] but soon, to confirm his [...]lief [...] with both hands chas'd the mighty favour of the Gods.

This great blessing making us merry, we laugh'd at [...]ilumen [...]'s cu [...]ning, and her Childrens experience in the art, which wou'd profit 'em little with us; for to no other end were they le [...]t, but to b [...] [...] to what we had. When re [...]lecting on thi [...] [...]ordid manner of deceiving childless ag [...], I took occasion to consider the condi [...]ion [Page 136] of our present fortune, and told Eumol­pus that the deceivers might be deceiv'd, that therefore all our actions shou'd be of a piece with the Character we bore. That Socrates, the wisest of Men, us'd to boast he never saw a Tavern, nor ever had been in the common company that frequents such places. That nothing was more convenient than a discreet behavi­our. All these are truths; nor shou'd any [...]ort of Men, added I, more expect the sudden assaults of ill fortune, than those that covet what's other Mens. But how should Pick-Pockets live, unless, by some well order'd trick, to draw Fools toge­ther, they get imployment? As Fish are taken with what they really eat; so Men are to be cheated with something that's solid, not empty hopes; thus the People of this Country have hitherto receiv'd us very nobly: but when they find the ar­rival of no Ship from Africk, laden, as you told 'em, with Riches, and your Retinue; the impatient deceivers will lessen their bounty; therefore, or I'm mistaken, or Fortune begins to rep [...]nt her Favours.

I have thought of a means, said Eu­molpus, to make our deceivers continue [Page 137] their care of us. And drawing his Will out of his Purse, thus read the last lines of it.

All that have Legacies in this my last Will and Testament, my freed Men excepted, receives 'em on these conditi­ons, that they divide my Body, and ea [...] it before the People. And that they may not think it an unjust demand, let them know, that to this day 'tis the custom of many Countries, that the Relations of the Dead devour the Carcass; and for that reason they often quarrel with their [...]ick Kindred, because they spoil their flesh by lingring in a Disease. I only in­stance this to my Friends, that they may not refuse to perform my Will; but with the same sincerity they wisht well to my Soul, they might devour my Body.

When he had read the chief Articles, some that were more intimately acquain­ted with him, enter'd the Chamber, and viewing the Will, earnestly intreated him to impart the contents of it; he rea­dily consented and read the whole. But when they heard the necessity of eating his Carcass, they seem'd much concern'd [Page 138] at the strange Proposal; but their in [...]a­tiate love of the Money made 'em sti [...]le their passion, and his Person was so aw­ful to 'em, they durst not complain. But one of ' [...]m, Gorgias by name, briskly told him he was willing to accept the conditions, so he might not wait for the Body.

To thi [...] Eumolpus, I'm not in the least apprehensive of your performance, nor that your stomach wou'd refuse the task, when to recompence one distasteful mi­nute you promise ages of Luxury. 'Tis but shutting your Eyes, and supposing instead of Man's [...]lesh you were eating an hundred Sesterces. Some Sawce may be added to vary the tast; for no [...]lesh plea­ses alone, but is prepar'd by art to com­mend it to the Stomach. If you desire instances of this kind to make ye ap­prove my advice; the Saguntines when they were besieg'd by Hannibal, eat Hu­mane Bodies, without the hopes of an Estate for doing it. The Petav [...]i reduc'd to the last extremity did the like; nor had they further hopes in this Banquet than to satisfie Nature. When Scipio took Numantia, Mothers were found with th [...]ir [Page 139] Children half eaten in their Arms. But since the thoughts only of eating Man's flesh create the loathing; 'tis but resolving, and you gain the Mighty Legacies I leave you.

Eumolpus recounted these shameless inhumanities with so much confusion, that his Parasites began to suspect him, and more nearly considering our words and actions, their jealousie encreas'd with their observation, and they believ'd us perfect Cheats. Upon which those who had re­ceiv'd us mo [...]t nobly, resolv'd to seize us, and justly take their revenge; but Chry­sis, privy to all Stratagems, gave me no­tice of their designs; the frightful news so struck me, that I made off with Gito immediately, and le [...]t Eumolpus to the mercy of his Enemies; and in a few days we heard the Crotonians raging, that that old Rascal shou'd live so long at such a sumptuous rate on the publick charge, sa­crifi [...]'d him the Massilian way. Whenever the Massilians were visited with a Plague, some one of the poorest of the people, for the sake of being well fed a whole year at the publick charge, wou'd offer him­self a Sacrifice to appease the Gods: He after his year was up, drest in Holy [Page 140] Wreath and Sacred Garment, was led a­bout the City with Invocations on the Gods, that all the sins of the Nation might be punisht in him; and so was thrown from a Precipice.