I Have Perused with no small Satisfaction, The Lamentation of a bad Market, Or, the History of your Sufferings, Intituled, the CONVENTI­CLE-COƲRANT, setting forth the dayly Trou­bles, Dangers and Abuses that LOYAL GEN­TLEMEN meet with, &c. Alas! Dear Heart! what a Cursed Whiggish Age is this! wherein People have an Antipathy to Toads, and express their Aversion against Vermine and Beasts of Prey. What pitty it is, that they will not Court their Plagues, and with the Stupid Indians Worship the Friend that Torments them? Bless us! That two such useful LOYAL Implements, as Natt. Thompson and thy Self, should ever be Liable to Factious rotten Eggs and Presbyterian Turnep-Tops.

But, Courage! Monsieur, though 'tis a Base Ill-natu­red World abroad, thou art extreamly Kind and Civil at Home, and Dub'st thy self at every turn, A GEN­TLEMAN; Good Sir! Oblige us in what County lies your Estate, that our Friends the Addressors and Abhorrers may put you up for a Parliament-man next Election? In what part of the World are we to In­quire for your Mannors and your Fee-Simples? Your Mansion-House we understand was lately a Garret in White-Fryars, and if Madam Cellier hath since taken you into Protection and Accommodated you with a Lodging in Arundel-Buildings, she may no doubt like­wise have settled upon you a large Reversion in New­gate;—Tis I Perceive all the Mode, now a days, for the very Scum of Mankind, to take upon them as Per­sons of Quality, and the most Beggarly Cowards to Boast what Feats they'l do with their LIVES and FOR­TUNES.

The words Loyal and Gentleman, are grown common Prostitutes, ask any tater'd Bulley, or Lowsy Shark o'th Town, what he is? He presently Replies—Damn mee Sir! a Gentleman; and to shew ones self a Mad Drunken Swearing Swaggering Coxcomb, is by some counted to be Loyal. Yet as it can't be Imagined that any thing of Generous Birth, or Education, would ever descend to the Infamous Trade of a Common IN­FORMER (especially in your way, which is but to be Journey-man to the Devil, for he's Master of the Company, and his very Title,—Accuser of the Brethren) so what mighty Loyalty there is or can be in Prophane­ing the Lords-day, disturbing▪ Gods Worship, Wor­rying our Honest Peaceable Neighbours because they have a little more Care of their Souls than our-selves, and Impoverishing and dividing his Majesties Loyal Protestant Subjects, (agreed in all necessary Points of Religion) for some Trifling Ceremonies, is scarce to be apprehended.

Grant there be Laws unrepeal'd against peaceable Dis­senters, yet since the same were so many years happily laid to sleep by His Majesties Prudence, and the mode­ration of his Subordinate Ministers (of which the Na­tion have found no Cause to Repent) on what Provo­cation, or for what new Misdemeanours are they now A­wakned? How come they this year to oblige your Conscience Sir, to be an Informer! Or any Magistrates to Thunder and Lighten with their Warrants, more then they did two, three, four, five, or six years past? (or by the way, how comes the Act against Conventicles more to oblige peoples Consciences to Execute it, than the Act for Prohibiting French Wine, Which sworn Offi­cers not only neglect to Execute, but actually do vio­ [...]te it every day, and yet are blameless, and counted ne­ver the less Loyal Subjects?) If Guelphs transgress, must Gibelines be punisht? Because the Papists have Plotted Horird Treasons, and Providence discovered them, must poor Innocent Protestant Dissenters be therefore stript and lasht? Is it the best Course to preserve our Religion and Government, to weaken the true Inte­rests of both? Is worrying one another the only way to prevent the united Designs of Rome? Are our High-Church-men so Cock-sure of Victory over Romes swarming Priests and Jesuits, as to scorn all Assistance, nay to fall foul and destroy those that offer it, (though never so heartily, and never so well Arm'd for the En­counter) unless, forsooth, they will wear the same Fea­thers in their Caps as they do? If these Tantivee-Troops all alone, are indeed such an over-match for the Papists, how then comes it to pass, That they have suffered so many prime Sheep to stray out of their own Folds, and remain Trophies to Italian Wolves, as well as plagues to their Native Country? Whereas we have scarce heard of above one Dissenter that turn'd Pa­pist these twenty years, and he too drawn rather by want and discontent, than any Conviction of Judg­ment.

'Tis true, had the late SHAM-PLOTS succeeded to the least degree of Probability, there might have been some Colour for these Prosecutions; but since Heaven has unravelled those Snares, and made the Innocence and Loyalty of the Dissenters appear no less Illustrious, than the Malice and Treasons of their Po­pish Enemies are Notorious, still to seek occasions to Buffet them, seems like to gratify none, but those E­nemies to our King and Religion who Contriv'd and were so disappointed in the former Hellish Projects of false Accusation and Perjuries.

But, if neither the unreasonableness, nor the unsea­sonableness, yet Experience how vain such Severities are to reach the Ends pretended, might be enough to divert the playing over again the same troublesome Game to no purpose. What Advantage did there ac­crew to this Honourable City, in STARLING's Mayoralty by all the Busle he occasion'd? Note; but on the contrary, great Charge, Confusion, decay of Trade, neglect of the Publick Worship, &c. What gain'd that Gentleman to himself, but Damage, Trouble, and Infamy? Remember, O Doughty Captain! I will not say the ends of Judas and other Antients of your [Page]Profession, but the Fate of your more Modern Prede­cessors Sir—and Marshal; did not One of them poor, miserable, hated, and desperate as Cain, breathe out his loathsome Soul in a Jail; and the other live scorned and neglected, withou ever getting Two-pence by all his Devilish Industry? VVas there one Dissenter the less? nay were they not Increased? Had the Church of England thereby any Proselytes worth owning? No, no, 'tis an Eternal Truth, That force may make many Hypocrites (and is any Church either the better or the stronger for such?) but never one Real Convert. You may as well think to cure a man of the Cholick by Brushing his Cloaths, or fill a quart Pot with Syllo­gismes, as to Convince people by Distress and Mitti­mus, or Rectify Errors of the Understanding by Club-Law.

Who can but observe, how jocund the Papists are at these Prosecutions, and that none are such furious Zea­lots for driving all into Church as those that very sel­dom come there themselves? none so fierce against Nonconformity, as those who are Nonconformists to the Laws of God, and all the obligations of Sobriety, Mo­desty and Honesty. Amongst these Spiritual Whip­sters, you, most Redoubted Captain, Lead the Van; and to shew yourself accomplisht (Tam Marte quam Mercurio, as the School-boy has it) with a Mastersome Pen as well as a dead-doing Sword, will needs divert the Town with the weekly Iliads of your Exploits in this Holy War. Where first you begin with a kind of Preachment.—Convent. Courant, Numb. 1. Had not the Actual Accomplishment of the many DREADFUL PREDICTIONS AND DIREFULL PROPHECIES (that is, to say—Dread­ful and Dreadful Prophecies & Prophecies,) &c.—In the name of Wonder How long has the Devil turn'd Monk? Is Jack Hilton also amongst the Prophets? What more Life-Guard-men set up for Cure of Souls? Is not this a Specimen of your Talent, how fit you may be shortly for a Fat Benefice? If Whiggism were on the Rising Ground, who knows but we might find our Divine Captain, a Lancepessade to a Conventicle?—To be se­rious, did not Truth assure us, That the Devil himself hath more than once abused and perverted Sacred Leaves, we had been astonisht at so many Texts from such an un­hallowed Mouth. But tell us by all thy hopes of Knight­hood, what Romish Priest framed that Canting Preface for thee? Or what security can you give, after all this Fury against Dissenters, That you yourself are not a Dissenting Papist? What Parish-Church do you fre­quent? When and where did you use to receive the Sacrament before the space of four or five years past? How shall we know, that your Title of Protestant is not as falsly assum'd as that of Captain? Which un­doubtedly commenc'd at a Bawdy-House, for you never were capable of higher Preferment than a Common Trooper, where (till you were Casheir'd for some of your good qualities) your Passive Valour under the Dis­cipline of every mans Cane, was as famous, as now your Active Courage against the Phanaticks.

However, be you Papist or Atheist, we know whose Drudgery you are doing; would not your Foolish Out-Cries of a Rent, a Schism, this Earthquake, this gaping Pit; &c. have served much better in Queen Mally's days, had your Worship but liv'd then to be one of bloody Bonners Catchpoles? Or may not any Protestant Church be Esteem'd as Seditious and Ʋnlawfull under a Popish Successor, as a Presbyterian Conventicle? would not you gladly, if you were in France, use your Sublime Commission and that Resolution of the Council of Hea­ven, you talk of, To Punish the poor Hugonotes, if they would not Conform to the Church as there by Law Establisht? Our most Gracious King, as he hath oft express'd his Inclinations to Indulge tender Consciences, so by his special Favours to those Persecuted French Pro­testants, declares that he esteems them of the same Re­ligion with himself, (which also his Royal Grand-Fa­ther expresly affirmed in Print) and that he disapproves of undoing men for their Religion, and yet those French Protestants are Calvinists and Presbyterians, names against which you vent your Spleen and Fury; and They and these People at home whom you are so Buisy to ruine for their Religion, are of the very same Tenets. So that it seems a Riddle beyond Oedipus, if we should blame Persecutions abroad, and pitty and Harbour the Sufferers, and yet at the same time, practise in effect the same Severities on our own Countrey-men.

Can any thing be more ridiculously Impu­dent than to tell us, You Design the Procure­ment of Peace amongst Christians, especially Pro­testants, and talk of your Zeal to serve the King, Church and Peoples Peace? A pretty way of Procuring Peace indeed, to fall foul with Vio­lence on harmless People in the Worship of the God of Peace; To dragg them from their Prayers with Tumults and Files of Musque­teers, and a whole Regiment of Oaths and Curses; To Jail their Persons and Spoil their Goods, and force Families to fly from their Habitations, and Compel one Neighbour a­gainst his Conscience to Prosecute another, and when he would gladly be Serving God at Church, fright him with five pound Forfei­ture, if he do not Omit his own Devotions, to disturb those of others, altogether as Loy­al, and much more Orthodox and Godly than their Malicious Prosecutors; If this be Pro­moting Peace, Commend me to the Spanish Inquisition for a Peace-maker.

The remainder of your first Libel, and those that have been Publisht since, your Lies, Scandals, Prophanations of Scripture, &c. shall be Considered at another Opportunity, For I shall not fail (God willing) to wait on you again next Post, and undeniably prove that the Honest Constables have no Cause to be afraid of your Malicious Menaces, In the In­terim because I have in my Baptism Solemnly Renounc'd the Devil and all his Works, Ex­cuse me if I do not Subscribe my self,