The Discovery of the Land of Belly-All-Main, a part of the South Indies, Called, Terra Australis Incognita, Borde­ring upon Terra Dell Fuego.
Of its Scituation.

THE Land of Belly-All-Main, is a Region far ex­tending both in Longitude and Latitude, bounded on the North with the Aethiopian Oce­an, on the East with the Sheelands, on the South with Fooliana the Fat, and on the West with the Filching-Fens. It lyeth in that undiscove­red Continent, where that mon­strous Bird RƲC snatcheth up now and then a whole Elephant at a [Page 2] stoop, and swaps him up at a Bit; Touching the Soyl, the Fertility is most worthily Admirable, and the Ayr most delicately Tempe­rate. In Latitude, It lieth full six­ty Degrees, and in Longitude seven­ty four from Cabo-de-Bon-Speranza, and is Scituate almost directly op­posite to the Southern Frontiers of Affrica.

Such Cosmographers as Write hereof, divide it generally into two Provinces, Eat-All-Main, Called by the Inhabitants Gluttonia, and Drink-All-Main, By the Natives also, cal­led Quaffonia. The former scituate in the same Longitude and Latitude with Old England, and the Later, with the two Germany's: Both have one Prince and one Law, and a lit­tle Reformation would make them Concur also in Habits and Man­ners.

Of Eat-All-Main or Gluttonia.

EAt-all-main is in Form Triangu­lar, and resembleth the Figure of Old-Egypt, being full of Sky Towring-Hills, and yet so Fertile, that the very Birds that flock thither from all places to Feed, If they stay but three Months at the admirable variety and plenty this Soyl afords: They are so Loaden with the lug­gage of their own Fat, that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to over-top one of the meaner Mountains, but become sworn In­habitants of this Fat Country all their Lives after.

The Shores abound with plen­ty of Fish of divers kinds, and they are naturally so Ravenous and Gree­dy, that you no sooner cast your Angling-hook among them, but like Cole-Miners about the Rope, when the Candles burn Blew, (which foretells the coming of the Damp) you shall have hundreds a­bout [Page 4] the Line, some on the Hook, and some on the String, and such as miss that Opportunity will hold fast by the Tayls, and Fins, of such as took time by the foretop. 'Twould never Tyre a mans Patience to Angle in this Country, where he is as sure of Sport, as the Beggar, when (with a Red woollen Rag put down his Back) he doth Angle for Lice.

The Land hath divers good Ha­vens, but no Ship is suffered to Harbour There, but such as comes Fraighted with good Fare, and is Loaden with Delicates; the Soyl bears no Tree that bears no Fruit, but all the Hedges are stor'd with Apples, Pears, Plumbs, and Nuts of all sorts, and some Hops, but not such quantities of the last as in Drink-All-Main, where their Plen­ty is Incredible: I Conceit our Western English had that kind of Custome from the Drink-All-Mains.

[Page 5] This Territory of old, both Eat-All-Main, and Drink-All-Main, was under the Government of the Thri­vingers, held by the Succession of divers Thrivonian Princes, whose principal Seat was Eat-All-Main: But foreign Invasions ensuing, and those Antient Worthyes Chased from Soveraignty, whose Memory is almost worn out; By whose Extirpation it fell into the Hands of the Eat-All-mains, as it conti­nues at this present Time.

Of Dressing burgh, the first Canton of Eat-All-main.

DRessing-burg is the first Canton of Eat-All-main, which is too hot a Climate for any true Eat-All to Inhabit; the South-Cape lying under the same Latitude with the most Southern part of Castile, and is about 42. Degrees distant from the Equinoctial. The Inhabitants are of a swarthy Tawny, most of them having their skins shrivled, [Page 6] and withered, and their Bodies plump't up like a Glove upon a Gridiron; they affect Delicious­ness rather than Excess.

Upon the point of this Canton, called the Swarthy-Cape, the Coun­try is wondrously Overclowded with Smoak, because of the near­ness of Terra del Fuego, the Land of Fire.

Upon the left hand thereof ly­eth the City of Kitchen-Norton, the Buildings of which are generally very lofty, and as generally smoaky and ill Scented.

In the midst of this City stands a goodly Temple, Dedicated to god All-Paunch, a vast and spaci­ous Building, wherein are a Thou­sand Altars Burning with continu­al Incense (except from Shrovetide till Easter) unto the aforesaid Deity. In the Midst of this Temple is a Tower Erected of Incredible Alti­tude, called by the Inhabitants Chim­ney Turret, from the heighth where­of [Page 7] of the whole Region round about have the usual Signal of War given them; for whensoever that Eternal fume ceaseth to ascend in Caligunous Clouds, it is a certain warning that the Foe Approaches.

And this Invasion is most com­monly attempted by the Inhabitants of the Starvling Isles, otherwise call­ed Hungerlanders, for these are the most formidable Enemies that the Eat-All-Mains have.

Near unto this City of Kitchen-Norton lyeth Cistern-Burgh, wherein is the famous Mountain Cock-Alty, Exceeding high, but directly op­posite in nature to Mount Aetna; for whereas that Disgorgeth streams of Fire, to the Detriment of the Neigh­bour Cities, and Villages; so this Stu­pendious Mountain Cock-Alty sends forth continual Rivers of sweet and fresh water; to the great advantage of the Neighbour Cityes, especially the City of Kitchen-Norton. In Cistern-Burgh are only some few houses of [Page 8] entertainment, where commonly do Sojourn for a small season the Jour­nying Citizens of Carp-O-Pan, Trout-On, and Tench-More; with Mer­chandize from those Marine parts, to this tradeing City of Kitchen-Norton.

Within the liberties of Kitchen-Norton, are certain Villages, first Hole-Cole, a large Town, consisting of a strange form of Building, of Caves under ground. Tongs-Worth, & Fire-Pan-Wick, two small Villages both in one Parish; and on the left hand you have three others, Spitsted, Kettle-Dorp and Spoons-by, all pretty Towns, and well Peopled; Kittle-Dorp hath a fair River passeth through it, call'd Ture-Mois, which they say Boy­leth every Twenty Four hours.

The Inhabitants of Spoons-By, as also another small Village nigh it, called Ladle-Cup, are instructed in no other art, but laving, and are very expert in cleansing of Ditches, Fish-ponds, Wells, or such places; and these only are imployed in such [Page 9] Services, not only in Kitchen-Norton, but also in all the Rivers of the Circum-Jacent Cityes of Eat-All-Main; as Gravy-Channel in the City of Flesh-Pasti-Nople, and Sauce-Bourn, which watereth the Plains of Pew­ter-Plateria, but principally in those famous Hot-Wells, called the Baths of Broathington in the Vallies of Poringerio; for which Imployments they have the great Dukes Pattent, so that no others dare intrench up­on their priviledges.

Of Banquetois, the Second Canton of Eat-All-Main.

PAssing from Dressing-Burgh, the first Canton you enter, is the ve­ry Garden of Eat-All-Main; it is called Banquetois, and is as it were a continual Forrest of nothing but Dates, Almonds, Figs, Ollives, Pom­grantes, Cytrons, and Nutmegs. The River Oyl-Brook hath its Course through the heart of this goodly Territory.

[Page 10] The City of Marchpane is the chief Town of note it this Canton, being Built after a stately manner, with Turrets, and Obelisks, all Guilt o­ver; but indeed it is but of a slen­der kind of Fortification, and lyeth very open to the Enemies Cannon.

A little above this City are cer­tain Mines called the Sugar-Hills, whence they dig a certain Ore, in Colour whitish, in Touch hard, and in Tast sweet.

This City hath very few Inhabi­tants of any years, that have any Teeth left; but all from Eighteen to the Grave, are the Natural Heirs of a Stinking Breath.

Next unto this, lyeth another lit­tle Corporation called Drugs-Burgh, and here they have a Law, that none must be made free of the City, but Apothecaries, Grocers, and Boxmakers. The very Heavens seems to Conspire with the places fitness to increas their Trading; for at certain times of the year, you shall have the whole Coun­try [Page 11] covered quite over with Aroma­tical Trochices, Comfits, and Confecti­ons, (congealed by the coolness of the Airs middle Region) that fall from the Clouds in as great Abun­dance, (at those times when they do fall) as ever fell showre of Hail.

Of Pewter-Plateria, the Third Can­ton of Eat-All-Main.

AS we passed the 55th Degree beyond the line, we entered into a spacious Plain; by the Inha­bitants called Pewter-Plateria, which we entered in our Map under the name of Platters-Plain; it lyeth in the very heart of Eat-All-Main, and the first City we met with in this Tract, was Victualla, through the midst of which there Passeth a River called Sauce-Bourn, whose Water is somewhat Tart in tast. In the Mar­ket-Place of this Town I beheld a Monument, it was no rare Piece of work, but of a very Antient Model, [Page 12] the top Stone being cut in form of a Sea Crab.

I shall here omit the fruitful Plains of Goblet the great, and Fatland Forrest, together with the goodly City of Sausagenia, a Town rare­ly Seated, only it stands a little too near the Salt Water. I shall also pass by Butterkin the Fenny, and Cheswick, the last Town of all Eat-All-Main, and Situate upon the vory Borders of Quaffonia. These I slightly pass, because I would fain be at the Metropolitan City of the whole Region; for that very place al­one, in Structure of houses, Manners of Inhabitants, and formality of Dis­cipline, I esteem above all the rest.

Of the Metropolitan City of Eat-All-Main, called Flesh-Pasti-Nople.

HEre-about are but few Villa­ges, The Cities having eat up most of the Burroughs; neither are their Cityes so abundant in num­ber as they are in Riches, and po­pulous [Page 13] Inhabitants; but of them all, the Prime and Mother-City is that Famous Flesh-Pasti-nople.

Their Old Records do report, that in former Ages, there were two Rich and Potent Cityes, Flesh-ton and Py-nople, between whom there was long and vehement Contenti­on about the Soveraignty; Py-nople stood much upon its Antiquity, but Flesh-ton Counterpoised the others Continuance with her own present Glory, pleasant Scituation and Pow­erfulness.

Well, a Parliament was called, and Finally, the whole House with one Consent gave the Supremacy unto Flesh-ton. Py-nople thus disgra­ced, decayed to nothing, so that it is at this day almost Impossible to know where it stood. Now Flesh-ton grew more and more in Lustre, and both to add a Magni­ficence to the Name, as also to paste the Foile of Py-nople upon the Forehead of posterity. It left the [Page 14] last Syllable of its Old Name, and Assumed the two Last of Py-nople, joyning them together with the Ce­ment whereof their Antient Walls were made, and so was thenceforth called Flesh-Pasti-nople.

Touching the form, it is rather vast in Compass, than comely in Building. It hath a Rivelet of Spring-Water Running almost through every Street; in which you shall see a thousand several impaled Fishponds, wherein they keep Swans, Geese, Ducks, Teals, and all kinds of Water-fowl. This Cur­rent is called Gravie-Channel. The City is Double-walled about with the Bones that remained of their Carnival Feastings. These Bones are Artificially and with Judgment cemented together with Morter made of the whites of Eggs. Their Houses within are neither too State­ly, nor too Lofty. They love no Assents by Staires up to their Doors, partly, because 'tis dangerous to [Page 15] come down, when their Brains are throughly moistned; and partly be­cause 'tis toilesome to climb up, when their Bellies are bumbasted. Instead of Lead, Tyle and Slat, their Houses are all Rooft with shoulder-bones of Beasts very cun­ningly knit together.

The City consists not of any but such as have one dependance or o­ther upon Rack and Manger, the Hus­bandmen, Carpenters, Millers, and Butchers, have each their Habitati­ons assigned in the Suburbs, who not­withstanding, if they can bring their Bellies to a certain size, are present­ly Summon'd to Gurmands Hall, and made free of the Wide-throats; no Stranger can have his Freedom at first, unless he be either a Cook, a Baker, or an Inkeeper.

The City is Govern'd by a cer­tain number of Grave Senators, pe­culiarly stiled Alder-maws, who are not Elected for their Wisdom, their Wealth, or their Horse-Tail Beards; [Page 16] but by the circumference of their Paunches, which at a solemn set Feast once every Year, are Measur­ed, and the more that each mans Rotundity is found to be inlarged, unto the higher place he is present­ly Advanced: But if either sickness, or age, do chance to make any of these Alder-maws cast their Collops, they are immediately put off the Bench; and as they have lost their Grease, so must they lose their Grace at a clap: Why this is hard now: but 'tis true, as hard as it is I can tell you that.

The Geometrical form of the Ci­ty is Oval, and hath four Gates; at which there do daily attend course by course four Alder-maws, Selected to the Office of Supervi­sors of the Paunchery; and these are to examine all that come in, and go out, and to mind that none go out Fasting. If they find any Per­son so offending, he is condemned to eat two Suppers. They are also [Page 17] to mind that none come in Empty-handed: for not to go out full-Bel­lied, and not to come in full-Hand­ed, is an heinous contempt of the Cities Right-healthful Government.

Every Month they are bound by Law to Celebrate a solemn Feast, where every Alder-maw of the whole Society must be present, to consult about the Publick good: Their place of meeting is Gurmonds Hall, where being met, and having tur­ned their Wine into Water, and their Oysters into Shells: Every one takes his Chair, and to Dinner they go: Now, they may not in any case have their Boars, Sheep, Goats, Lambs, &c. serv'd up in Parcels and Joynts, but they must have all whole. You shall see the waiters come sweating with a whole Hogg, or a whole Calf, upon a great Pewter En­gine; you would bless your self to behold it: and he that riseth before six hours be fully run, runs his head under a rigorous fine.

[Page 18] And for the breaking up of the Feast, thus is their Order. They have a Door in the Hall, large e­nough for the greatest Gutmonger that lives, and take him fasting. At this Door they enter when they come to the Feast, which being ended, he that cannot get his Bel­ly through, is let forth another way; but he that passes as easily as he came in, is stay'd by an Officer appointed for that purpose, called the Sergeant of the Maw, and brought back again, where he must seetle himself to a renewed Rouse, untell his Belly be able to kiss both the Cheeks of the Door at once, and then he is dismissed.

They have a common Hospital belonging to this City, wherein all such as have got the Dropsie or the Gout, or any such disease, by his Valour in Gurmondizing, are Maintained at the Publick charge.

But all such as have lost their Teeth by Age, or by eating their [Page 19] Broath too hot, are forthwith pro­vided for very conveniently, and sent away into the Spoon-meat Islands.

The Citizens are Generally of an unmeasurable Groseness, and seem­ed to me, when I saw them walk, just like so many Tunns, moving each upon two pottle Pots; nor is that man worthy of the least Salu­tation that is not all Cheeks to the Belly, and all Belly to the Knees.

And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also, the Ger­man froes do pretty well in Imita­tion of these Souse-Barrels; the Young Women may not Marry, till such time as before a Bench of Matrons, They make a publick Demonstration, that their Dugs, and their Chins, can meet without force­ing of either.

They go for the most part all naked, only their Alder-Maws may wear Gowns, which must be on­ly the Skins of such Beasts as they [Page 20] are able to devour alone at one sitting.

Their Schools have no Lecture Read in them, but only Apicius. His Institutions of the Art of Mun­cherie, and there are all the young fry taught the Sciences of Carving, Chewing, and Swallowing most profoundly. The Munchery Lectu­rer, when I was there, was one Doctor Full-Gorge; a man most rare in his Profession, and thorowly arquain­ted with all the Fundamentals of the said Sciences.

Their Library is a large Room ranked full of Pots and Cans of all sorts, every sort in their several Classes; so the Schollers have also each his full Pot, and his laden Platter for his Book. The Fresh men have lesser measures; the So­phisters larger, and so up to the Graduaits. The first perhaps has his Pint, and his Pullet; the next, his Quart and his Goose; the third, his Pottle and his Lamb, and so up­wards. [Page 21] Nor may any leave his Task, or have leave to play, till he have made an end of what was injoyned him.

If any one stay Seven years in these Schools, and benefit nothing, he is forthwith Banished for ever into the Starveling Isles, or Hungerland, to deal upon Spanish dinners, fur­nished with half Pilchards. Thi­ther also they thrust all Physitians, and Prescribers of diets. If any one of them be ill at ease, he present­ly eats a raw Radish, drinks a lit­tle hot Water, Spews a while, and within a quarter of an hour, Viah he lets fly upon Ajax, and rises from his roast as sound as a Bell.

They love venison entirely well, but cannot tell how to catch it; only such Deer as comes willingly a­mongst them, those they Intangle in Nets, and take them. But the noble Swine, Oh they prise that Beast above all others! whether because of their sympathy of na­tures, [Page 22] being both fatally Consecra­ted to the Table, or by reason that the Swine will feed on the Cours­est meat, and be soonest fed, I am uncapable to determine.

If any one keep his provant while it stinks, he is forthwith condemn'd of High Treason, and spitted upon a Stake. Only two Reservations their Law agreeth unto; The first is, they may keep Venison till it be all Hoary, and Mouldy; And the se­cond is, they may lay their Cheese where they think good, till it be ready to creep away with Mag­gots: To these Worms they usually scrape a little fine Sugar, and with the point of a Knife, or a Spoon, crash them up as if they were so many Almond Comfits. I wonder our Low-Dutch should be such Log­gerheads to follow them in this fil­thy fashion.

The Wars of the Eat-All-Mains.

THE Eat-All-Mains have unre­concilable Wars with two o­ther Nations, the Hunger landers of the Starveling Islands, and the Thri­vengers of Thriveingois.

The first Inhabit certain Western Isles in the Atlantick Sea, not far Distant from Eat-All-Main; but the Latter lye Somwhat farther off it, by reason of a great part of the Territorie of Fool-I-Ana, and some parcel also of Shee-Land, that puts in between them.

Their Historical Monuments re­late, that the Hungerlanders, being confederate with the Thevingeni­ans, have made many Terrible In­vasions upon the Eat-All-Mains Borders, and one time gave them a sore Foyl, the Inhabitants being forced to hide themselves in Caves under ground, untill their gods pit­tying them, made their foes own Chops their fatal destruction; for [Page 24] they did so Engorge themselves af­ter this sudden change, that grow­ing hereby all diseased, there was not a man of them left in three years. If you would have given a Spanish Royal for a man, no not a man to Cast at a Dog.

The Thriveingers also, the Anti­ent Inhabitants of this Land, have made many attempts to Regain their lost Possessions, but have been continually beaten back by the Eat-All-Mains good success.

They march unto Battle Armed only before, (needing no defence behind, because they cannot Run away) in Ox Hides, Sheep-Skins, and Swines Pelts, that you would imagine them to be a herd of Cat­tel that were driving to the water­ing place.

Their weapons commonly are Spits, and-Fire Forks, and some of them have Cross-bows made of the bones of large Oxen. But the very truth is, the Drink-All-Mains give [Page 25] them their best Assistance, for had it not been for them, the Eat-All-Mains had been down the wind long ere this; and there's the main of the whole matter.

Of Idle-Burgh, an Imperial free Town.

IDle-Burgh is a famous and free State, and hath a large territo­ry under command; it is Scituate in the farthest confines of Platters-Plain towards Fooliana. The Citi­zens live in far more happy Estate than ever Monk did, having all things they can desire in Abundance.

The Town is so strongly scitua­ted, that it is Impregnable, being Built upon a Rock ten German Miles in height, and withall, so steep, that it is utterly Inaccessible; at the foot of this Cliff Runs the River Idle, whereof the City taketh her name. Runs did I say, hold, it seems ra­ther to Creep, being more like a Lake than a River.

[Page 26] There is but one way up to the Town, that is, the Townsmen let­ing down a Basket fastned to the end of a Rope, do hale up the Passen­gers.

They live all upon certain Birds Naturally bred amongst them, the Inhabitants call them Gulls, which serve the Cities use with three sorts of Meats, Flesh, Eggs, and Fish: Flesh from their own Carkasses, Eggs from their Nests, and Fish which they bring for the feeding their young ones in huge excess: And besides, the Sticks of their Nests finds the Citizens with per­petual fireing; What would you have more, and more you shall have? Their Feathers serve the Citizens for stuffing their Beds; yes marry do they, and some to spare also for Transportation.

The Ground within the Walls brings-forth whole Vintages of de­licate Grapes, and whole Harvests of the purest Wheat.

[Page 27] The People do live an uncurious Life, they Sup, they Sleep, they Rise, they Breakfast, they Dine, they Sup, and so round in a Ring. Un­less a little whoreing now and then chance to add one dance more to the Round.

The Richer sort have many Ser­vants to attend on them; one to o­pen the Masters eyes gently when he awaketh, Another to fan a cool Aire whilst he eateth, A third to pop in his victuals when he gapeth, A fourth to fit his Girdle to his paunch as it riseth, and fal­leth: The Master only Exerciseth Eating, Digesting, and Laying out.

There are Divers other Cityes that hold of this Idleburgh in Capite, and under protection of her, enjoy the same priviledges with her, as Sleep-on, and Snort-apace, where the Inhabitants are seldom or never a­wake; and it is strange to see how fat they grow with this Drousie Lethergy.

The Religion of the Eat-All-Mains.

THey cannot endure Jupiter, for he, when he Thunders, Sowers all their Wines; but they have a good Devotion to god Trine, be­cause he eateth up all things before him, and shews himself therein a true Eat-All-Main. They have built a goodly Temple unto him, in which I saw the Picture of Saturn eating up his Children very Artificially pourtraid.

On Shrove-tuesday, They Offer Sacrifice to this Deity, whose pow­er appears to them once every year in form of a huge Monstrous, Rave­nous Fowl: The Inhabitants call him RVC, to whom they present whole Hecatombs of Raw Flesh thus Ordered.

Shrove-tuesday, As I said before, is the day of Sacrifice. The place in Pewter-Plateria, where is a large Plain, lying towards the South, in­circuled [Page 29] with Mountains; unto this Plain do all the Inhabitants flock, bringing with them an Ocean of Victuals, as Elephants, Camels, Oxen of the largest size, Boars, Sheep, Goats, with a whole Army of Fowl, all with their Feathers pluckt off: All these are put as it were into this large Cage; which done, they get them up on the top of the Moun­tains sides, as if they took their Seats in a Playhouse, and with ben­ded knees do there expect the come­ing of this Deity, Old RVC of Rucks-Hall. At length Sir, you shall see him come afar off, with a noise Able to Deaf the whole Nation three hundred miles about, with a great crooked Bill, as bigg almost as half the Equinoctial Circle, with a pair of Tallons like two broad spread Oakes, with two Eyes in his head like two Towns that were on fire, and such an Inundation of Harpies, Ravens, Vultures and Hawks, about him. O! strange stupendious sight for [Page 30] Men to behold! and with a Cry a­ble to procure an Earthquake, they Approach the Plain, and by and by their Wings Eclips the Sun, and bring a Midnight over the whole Valley.

Three times they flag about the Plain, while the People pour out their very Bladders in Tears, and all that is in their Bellies in hearty prayers to this Rout of Religious Birds.

By this time General RVC, the Leader of this Starved Regiment, hath spied his Prey: For you must Note, he out of all this Folio Cato­logue of Carcasses, must chuse what pleaseth his Tooth first.

Well, suppose he take some five Elephants, or half a score of Oxen, he is to be first served, and then every one to his shark, Tag, Rag, and Longtail. Here you shall see one fly away with a Calf, there ano­ther with a Lamb; here one with a Boar, and there another with a [Page 31] Swan; every one fitting his Luggage to his strength: And thus with a Reverend applause of all the specta­tors, they depart every one with his carriage, and leaves the rest be­hind them.

All which the people are bound in Conscience to make ready, and eat up ere they depart, whereby their Bellies are so overcram'd, that they loath flesh forty dayes after; During which space they live all upon Fish: This vacancy sharpens their Appetites, to fall greedily to Flesh again at the time expired. As sure as Death, the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this Country, upon granting the Eat-All-Mains some odd Indulgences, or upon dispence­ing with them for Ember-Weeks.

Of the Laws of the Eat-All-Mains.

GVrmonds-Hall is a stately Structure Built in Orbicular [Page 32] form like a Theatre, as well large and high as Beautiful, set forth with fair Arched Windows, whose Lights are of transparent Horn Curiously pannelled; the Roof supported by Pillars, which are of the Thigh Bones of Elephants, very artificially ce­mented together; and over the front of the Entrance, are these Verses fairly Engraven in Letters of Gold.

And within the Hall hangs a Table chained to a Pillar, contain­ing these Inviolable Laws.

Of the Election of the Great DUKE.

THere is a stately Palace built upon a narrow ledg of Land lying just between Eat-All-Main, and Drink-All-Main: It was built as their Antient Chronicles Report by a Gyant called All-Paunch, who was of an incredible height of Bo­dy, Pliny's Orestes: Or, Plutarches Orian, were but Dwarfs in compa­rison of this almighty All-Paunch; [Page 35] suppose rather that you saw An­taeus, that was Sixty Cubits high, or him whose Carcass was digged up at Drepano, whom the Symetri­ons judged by his Thigh-bone, could be no less then two hundred Cubits high. This latter, I suppose, might be the Brother of All-Paunch.

This All-Paunch was the first that by Conquest drave the Thri­vonians out of this Land, brought in a New People, and gave them new Laws, and his Soul they Ima­gine to be entred into that huge Bird RVC, in which shape they do yearly adore him, and have him in as great reverence as the Turks their Mahomet.

He Lyeth Buried in the midst of the Pallace Court, where for a sa­cred Memorial of him, is a Statue Erected, far higher than Lysippus his Brazen Colossus, and upon the Bases thereof, Like the English Inscription on the London Monument, was this Epigraph fairly ingraven in Capital [Page 36] Characters, in the Belly-All-Mic Tongue.

I All-Paunch, Duke of Belly-All-Main, Lye here Entombed, Dying a Lord, a Victor, a Prince, a De­ity. Let none pass by me Fasting, nor name me Hun­gry, nor salute me Sober: Be mine Heir he that can, my Subject he that will, Mine Enemy he that dare.

This Dukedom is Elective, their being four chief Linnages or Fami­lies that may stand for the Electi­on, which are the Treble-chins, the Bacon-chops, the Wool-sacks, and the Tun-Bellies. The Nimble-chops have pretended a Tytle to their Right in the Election, who after some Debates were cast, so that they [Page 37] may not attain to it, unless first by Adoption into one of those four Royal Families.

Now this is the Order of the Election, There is Yearly a Tilting ordained, not with Spears, but of Barrels. Whereunto every one comes Armed with his Teeth all new sharpned, and too't they go; where he that unhorses most meat, and lifteth most measures of Wire out of their Pewter Sadles, is Honou­red with a Crown of clustred-Vines, and Saluted by the Title of Lord High-Steward of Belly-All-Main, the Dukes next Inferiour.

The Tournament ended, each one ariseth if he can, and laying his hand on the sacred Tomb of dead-Duke All-Paunch, taketh an Oath by the Deities of Bacchus, and the Reverend All-Paunch, to perform his Duty in the Election without partiallity.

[Page 38] Then they depart to the Thea­tre, and take their places to Be­hold the Ceremonies of the Electi­on.

And first cometh forth the new chosen Lord High-Steward, bring­ing in his hand a Golden Girdle, enchaced with Pearls, Diamonds and Rubies: This they call the Sacred Belt of State; then the last years Duke puts it on, and taketh an ex­act Measure of his own Sowse-tub; so do all the rest of the Nobility after him, one after another; and he that can set it on the Tenters without stretching of his belly, or holding his breath (if it sit so stiff that it must needs be let out one hole more) he is the man that with loud Acclamations both of the Nobility, and Mobile, is pro­claimed high Duke of Belly-All-Main. But if none exceed the Magnitude of the former Duke, he holds his Monarchy till the next year, or till anothers guts over-vote him by Pole.

[Page 39] Then cometh his Cup-bearer, and upon his knees presents him with a Silver Tankard of some dozen quarts, and intreats his Grace to Drink a health to the People.

Who taking it, and lifting up the lid, begins an Oration, and ta­king a fresh Oath by St. All-Paunch, declares that he will be a Bulwark to their Liberties, a Drudg to their Business; a Terror to their Enemies; a Father to their desires; and an Increaser and Inlarger of their Mea­sures; Denounceing himself a pro­fessed Enemy to Hunger, and Thirst, to sower Ale, to Meagerness of Wine, Beer, and Bodies, so long as he shall wear that Royal Belt; pro­testing that none should Fast unpun­ished, or be Drunk unrewarded.

Then setting the Tankard to his mouth, stole off the Liquor every drop, save a little remainder which he was by custom to set upon his Thumbs Nail, and lick it off, and so he did; then continuing his Ora­tion, [Page 40] said, From the bottom of my Heart I do wish you continually drunken Heads, full Bellies, and fat Fortunes. Which ended, the Audience bellow out their Aplause, with long live Bowsing-gut-Wool-Sack, Caesar Emperor of Belly-All-Main. At least a dozen times, every time inter ec­co'd with a Volley of Acclamations.

Then the Lord High-Steward presents him with the Sword and Mace of the Government, which are a great long Knife, and a pret­ty Golden Tunn, pronouncing ac­cording to custom, these words, Vse and Enjoy.

But then for the Coronation Din­ner and Supper, O! Monstrous what piramids of Platters and Char­gers! What Mountains of Flesh and Pastery! What Castles of Banque­try! And what Deluges of Wine, Beer, Ale, and Brandy did I behold there! It is impossible to particula­rise; only this I declare, the Streets that Night were strewed so thick [Page 41] with Drunken Carkasses, that 'tis my opinion there were never more Memories left in the Field, of the greatest Massacre that ever this Modern Age was witness of.

Of Starvling Island: Or, Hun­gerland

VVE have almost lost the Re­membrance of Starvling Island; take it therefore now as a penance for your tedious abode in Eat-All-Main. It lyeth under three and thirty Degrees of Longitude; and four and fifty of Latitude, be­ing on the North directly opposite to Cabo Bianco; and on the South unto Filching-Fens. It is a Stony Barren, Grasless, Sandy Soyl.

There are some Trees in it, but they have no Bark left; no Blossom nor Bud; nay the Weed cannot find in its heart to make the smallest Residence in these quarters.

The Lands Natural Barrenness affords no distinction either of [Page 42] Summer or Winter; because the Inhabitants snap up their herbs as soon as ever they peep out of the ground.

All that dwell in these parts are Exiles, and their hew is naturally between a Pale and a Swarthy, their Skins are crumpled like half burnt Parchment, and puckerd like the hide of an Elephant. The al­viewing Sun in all his Race never beheld such gastly Animals; you would swear they were Anatomies cover'd over with fresh Skins.

Here you shall have one laying a Plot how to intrap the Flies, there another contriving a conspiracy against the Worms; yonder another sit shaving the Earths new shorn Beard, to discover the Roots of the ungrown Grass.

They have a strange and fierce wild Beast Rangeth continually in the Nights all about the desarts of this Island, which they call Empty-Maw; it will keep such a terrible [Page 43] barking, that it makes the hollow Ayr Eccho again; and whosoever in this Island heareth it not bark once in twelve hours, grows immediately Deaf; but he that heareth it thrice in thirty six hours, and giveth it nothing to devour, ere twelve hours more be run, dyeth immediately, provided alwayes he can live no longer.

Other Beasts I saw none in all this Island, except a sort of Wolves, and some Monkyes that had eaten off great part of their Tailes.

Indeed I durst not make any long abode in so lean a Land, I think it was no great Wisdom: What think you?

Of Drink-All-Main, the Second Province of Belly-All-Main.

YOU cannot expect an exact De­scription of Drink-All-Main, for I durst not for my Ears enter into any City of the whole Pro­vince, untill it was dark night, that all the Citizens were wrap'd in Wine and warm Clouts; And then how was't possible to discover any thing to purpose? For to tell you the truth, I feared the Burgomasters bounty; it being their fashion, as soon as a­ny one sets a foot within the City­gate, to give him I know not how many Lifts of Wine for his welcome, receiving him in such Pomp, and State; and all out of the common Purse of the City: All which Folio Cups he must take off, or else he is held an ungrateful, unmannerly fellow. Nay, which is worse, a di­rect Foe to the common good of the City. Now I feared both this Ho­nour, and this Danger.

[Page 45] This Province is somewhat larger than Eat-All-Main, being as broad, or rather broader than both the Germanies.

No Nation under the Cope of Heaven, so fortunate, nor so abound­ing in the delicate Juce of the Grape as this: The peculiar Wines of all our Europian Kingdomes are here; the Germans Rhenish, the Frenchmans White and Red, the Spaniards Ma­ligo, and the Canaries purest Sack; pshau, they have all, all to Excess.

The Temperature of their bodies are different from the Eat-All-Mains, who delight in the qualities of heat and drought; whereas the Drink-All-Mains affect heat and moysture; so that the bordering neighbours do jearingly call the Eat-All-Mains Kitchen-Bellies, and the Drink-All-Mains Celerian-Bellies.

As they are more ingenious than the Eat-All-Mains, so are they more Lascivious. In their youths they are generally quick-witted; but be­ing [Page 46] grown to a Graver Age, espe­cially Old Age, they grow so for­getful, that you shall not have one amongst Twenty that can remember his own name.

Of the Shires of the Province of Drink-All-Main.

THE whole Province is Divided into three Counties, the Coun­ty of Wine-cester, the County of Vs­quebah, or Brandy-Bridg, and the County of Hopsack-octun, or Bru-Mal­ta, called by some Strong-Biera.

Wine-cester is parted from Eat-All-Main, on the West by the River Piss-On, a salt Current that Ebbs and Flows; which River runs round about the Dukes Pallace. The Phi­losophers of this Country affirm, that it hath not its Saltness from the Sea, but from an airy humor that often falls upon it.

The first Town I came unto in this Region, was called Vine-Spring. It is in form of a five angled Trencher, [Page 47] whose Borders extend as far as Vine-Prop hills; so that some of it became part of the Suburbs of Cluster-Beg, a prety fine City wall'd about with Stones of the Colour of Brick, but somwhat deeper of Dye. This Ci­ty stands in the bottom of Pressing-Dale, a Valley so called; through which runs a delicate River called Juce, which passeth along by three or four pretty Cities, seated upon the the Banks thereof, to the founders eternal commendations.

Their names are, first Tankards-Bridg, next Tunning-Tree, then Broach­ing-Ford, and lastly Carousi-Kani­kin.

Tunning-Tree is fortified with a wall of wood, and Broaching Ford hath never but one gate open at once; and that when it is shut, is made fast with nothing but the end of a Faggot stick. There is not in all the World any one River com­parable to this, which runs through these Cities; for besides the pleasing [Page 48] meanders that it makes in its wan­ton course; the water is so sweet and delicate, that neither the best of Europes Wines, nor the Turks deli­cious Zerbeth can possibly excell it.

It hath but one peculiar Fish be­longing to it called a Tap, and this Fish will somtimes lye by the Shore, and spout a huge deal of the water aloft; and it is somewhat more plea­sing in taste than before, and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats; and when they get it, make great store of it.

This River, as I told you, passeth through Tunning-Tree: but hold, I had forgotten one Town, it goeth from thence to Celleridg, ere it come to Broaching-Ford, and so by Broach­ing-Ford passeth directly unto Ca­rousi-Kanikin, the prime City of the whole Province.

The Description of Carousi-Kani­kin the chief City of Drink-All-Main, as also the Fashions, and Manners of the Drink-All-Mains.

CArousi-Kanikin is a name, I un­derstand not farther then what light I have of it from the German tongue.

The City is built upon a Hill, and carrieth the form of a Tan­kard from what Quarter so ever you behold it.

It is of Antient Renown, and one of the best seated Ports for Traffique in all the whole Land.

It is strongly fortified with Bar­ricado's, and Bulwarks built all of Barrels, the Roofs also of the houses are tiled with the Boards of broken Casks.

In the entrance of the gate is placed a double Cannon of Pewter, charged to the Muzzel. This their [Page 50] Law Commands to be duly obser­ved; the Citizens call it the Flag­gon of Hospitality, and round about it are these words Engraven'd, Aut Bibe Aut Abi, drink or be packing; and whosoever ariveth, must either drink it all off, or be carried be­fore the Magistrate to Render an account of his Contumacy.

But by chance, I met with a Traveller who was bound to the City as will a I; who being ac­quainted with their fashions, brought me secretly by night into the Town, and shew'd me such things as I should never have discovered of my self.

The Fronts of their Buildings are so wholly hid with spreading Vines, that had I not seen the Signs hang out on every side, I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard, and not in a City: it is indeed a very pleasant Prospect.

[Page 51] In the Market-place are all the Measures hung up in chains, Sealed with the Dukes Stamp.

The Inhabitants go all naked, but for a Wreath of Vines about their Fore-heads; but their skins are all painted after the manner of the Ancient Picts, every one after what form he pleases: you shall see some so perfectly painted like Flaggons, that if one of them set but his Armes a Kimbo, you wou'd swear it was a living Flag­gon with two Handles: I saw one painted so directly in the shape of a Whale, that when he Vomited, no Man in the World, but would have taken him for a live Whale Spewing up the Ocean.

I had a great desire to see the manner of their Publick Feasts, and not be seen by the Citizens; and mine Host with much intreaty a­greed to perform my Requests, giving me withal certain Cautions of Danger; and likewise informed [Page 52] me in some necessary Points of Be­haviour; So mine Host and I got us into the Town-Hall in the E­vening un-espyed, by and by came the Feasters, and taking their pla­ces just as the Eat-All-Mains did, only these had less Meat, and more Drink.

At first they began a Sacrifice to Bacchus, their general god, whose Statue standeth at the upper end of the Table, holding in his right Hand supported by his left, a mighty Goblet: into this standing Cup, the Master of the Ceremo­nies, in the Name of the whole Company, pours a Hogs-head of Wine (for it holds no less) which passeth in Pipes, as through Veins into his Body, and from thence he pisseth it, till it be all out; and this is the Hour-glass, proportion­ing the continuance of the Feast; for when he leaves pouring out, they must all leave pouring in, and that upon pain of Sacriledge.

[Page 53] Then comes up a Service; I pro­test at first sight, I took it for a Dish of Shooing-Hornes, but upon stricter Observation, found they were Red-Herrings: There was al­so a Dish of Anchovis, with Capers, and Pickled-Cowcumbers; and lastly, a Westphalia-Gamon.

Then begins the Full-pots to move about the Table, and the empty ones against the Wall; so that one could not possibly tell, whether they were sooner fill'd to be emp­tied, or emptied to be fill'd.

Now, when one of them will Drink to another, he first Challen­geth him with a Solemn Ceremo­nious Song: Then they joyn hands fast together, and giving a sound shake, the Challenger Advanceth his moistned Weapon, and blowes it dry: he may puff a little, but the Pot must be sure to be Dis­charged of its Liquor, ere it be severed from his Gripe; and then the other answers him at his own Weapon.

[Page 54] Well, the Seasoning Banquet be­ing Devoured, and the Cloath thrust up on a heap: The Master of the Ceremonys Cryeth, Healths, Three times, with an Audable Voyce: And I supposing this had been a Summons to the breaking up of the Company, began to be jogging, till my Host pulling me by the Sleeve, told me, the Feast was hardly begun: Pray stay (quoth he) and see the Conclusion; don't you see how fast god Bacchus's Hour-glass Runs? So I sate down again.

Then steps me out one of the Company, and taking off his Wreath, down upon his Knees he falls, (I thought he had been going to Prayers) and presently calls for a Quart. A Health quoth he to Great Bowsing-gut Wool-sack Duke of Belly-All-Main, and presently the Pot stops his Breath, he Drinks, he Puffs, he Belches, he Talks, untill within a while he had Gulped down as [Page 55] many Quarts as his Name had Let­ters in it: and when he had done, falls a Spewing, till all cry'd Twang again.

Well, they all follow in Order, from the Highest to the Lowest, each one with the same Pot, Ex­ecution, and Ejection, proving him­self thereby a Faithful Citizen; this past, up starts another with this Catch.

Seasoning his Song with many a Goodly Belch, and so down up­on his Marrow-bones, and up with the Pot hand smooth, the Devil a Bone finds he in the Drink; and after him they must all Fol­low; wo be to him that Hangs an Ars.

This Showre over-blown, out steps a Third, Advancing a quart of Plump Claret to the Health of all [Page 56] the Quagmirists, which is the Ge­neral Name of the Nobility of this Famous City of Carousi-Kanikin; briefly after him they go, and thus every man in Order brings in his Foundation of a new Round.

Now every man having his Share, they must each one in Or­der (Pox on't that Madded me) go play the Poet, out of the Inspira­tion of Bacchus only, every one Sings his own Song; and in­stead of Harps, they have their Knives and the quart Pots, and truly they made fine Musick on't. One in his Song commends his Mistriss, another the Goodness of the Wine, a Third Relates all the Passages between him and his Wife at home, another Rhimes all in Sa­tyr against one that was not at this Drinking, every one keeping Tyme with the Musick.

While these Songs were Singing, it was strange to see their several Postures, and Behaviours; you shall [Page 57] see one for pure Love weeping in his Fellows Bosom, another sit kis­sing his Companion, one in an Extasie of Laughter, though himself knows not at what, another down upon all four in Devotion to Bacchus, a­nother Arguing of Religion, and matters of State; and here in a Corner, you shall have another sit Nodding, and Slavering: 'Twould do a Blind mans heart good to see it. But all this while the Cup is not forgotten.

Well, the Hour-glass being run all out, they Rise (if they can) and with wheeling Complements, are taking Leave of each other.

One thing my thought was ve­ry Observable; they have certain Flamins, who are Priests to Bacchus, who frequent these Revelling Feasts, they go Cloathed only in a Gown of Black, girt about their Wastes, with a Silken Cord; and seeing these amongst the rest in motion, I could not chuse but smile; for their all [Page 58] black Bodies, and shining Rubrick Faces, seemed just like so many Charcoles lighted at one end, dan­cing the Hay amongst the Reeling Multitude.

Well, but quoth I to mine Host, how the Devil will they get all home now? Fear nothing quoth he, don't you see those Ropes there in the Court, that are fastned to them Iron Rings, Sir they have an Officer who is always kept Sober for the purpose, he guids each per­son to his Ropes end, the other end being fastned to the Door of each mans House, these Ropes are as good to them, as the Clue of Thread in Rosamonds Bower, or Ariadnes that guided Theseus from the Labyrinth of Minotaur: very likely quoth I, But what if an un­happy Wag should come in the mean time, and tye the Ropes far­ther end to the wrong door? Why, do you think, quoth he smiling, that any are awake in this City in [Page 59] the Night? Yet I have known it done, and the men have gone to bed to other mens Wives, who perhaps being as Drunk as they, never dis­covers the matter till next day at noon, and then, that which they ignorantly committed, they make a double sport of, and is but the Preface to repeated Impressions. For it is a Principle here, that a Drunken man can never Offend, it being the Effects of Bacchus.

Well, They being gone, mine Host and I broke off discourse, and very privately sneak'd home to our Quarters.

Of the Knights of the Golden-Tun, and the Laws of the Drink-All-Mains.

IN the Town-Hall, properly cal­led Gulpers-Court, hangeth the Golden-Tun, which is the Antient Emblem of the Knights of that Or­der.

He that can drink this Vessel [Page 60] Thrice off, and go his way with­out Indenting, for his Good Ser­vice is presently Knighted by the Great Duke, and hath a Chain of Extraordinary Value bestowed up­on him.

These Knights have a large Charter, and are allowed many goodly Priviledges; they bear abso­lute Command in all Taverns and Ale-Houses, as also at all publique Revels, and are allow'd to Furnish so many Souldiers in Pewter Jackets, out of any mans Celler in the Town.

These hardy men have great Conflicts at every publick Meeting, their Weapons are full charg'd Cups, and he that carrieth most of them away clear, is Conqueror, and leads the rest about the Town (if they can go) in Triumph; and by this Tryal, they prove who is the Vic­tor, if he can put his Finger into the Flame of the Candle, without playing hit I, miss I, let him Spew whole Fish-ponds is held a Sober [Page 61] man, and wears the Wreath of Conquest for that day.

Over the enterance of Gulpers-Court is Engraved this Couplet in the Belly-All-mic Tongue.

Upon the two heads of the Gol­den Tun, in a fair Character is writ­ten some of the Principal Laws of the Drink-All-Mains, which I care­fully Coppied.

Of the Arts, and Millitary Disciplines of the Drink-All-Mains.

THe People of this Province are almost all blear-ey'd, and trou­bled with the Palsie.

They have some Poets among them whom they never Crown with Law­rel (because that Tree is a foe to the Vine) but with Ivie: these are the very Offscum of the Rascally Rab­ble, the veryest Lack-Latins, and most Vnalphabetical Raggabashes, that ever bred Louse, living only by other mens Trenchers.

These fill all the Taverns in Town with Epigrams, Elegies, and [Page 64] Epitaphs, which would make ones Ears Blister to hear them: They have had but one good Poet this Twenty Years, and his Tallent lyes in Drollery; but for the most part Prose, who is an excellent Ob­servator of the Times, and Sea­sons, and can with much Facility Convert all Occurrences to Comedy, and represent all Comedy in the morose habit of Tragedy. These Poets have the same sway over the Ballad Makers, as the Knights of the Tunn have over the barrells.

The Drink-All-Mains go often to War in Assistance of the Eat-All-Mains; but they never go armed, no not so much as with a Shirt on their backs, their Lances are saplings of Elmes, sharpned and hardned at the Spires in the Fire; one would swear in beholding them at a distance, they were a moving Hop-garden; but not­withstanding (for stand well they cannot) 'tis admirable to see both their Valour in Fight, and Fortune in Conquest.

[Page 65] They have a Law that none must go sober to the Field; so that Wine maketh them as Bold as Lyons, Audaces fortuna Juvat, fortune helps the forward.

Of the Funerals of one the Chief Quagmirist's.

ONe of the Quagmirist's whose House was of some height, be­ing loose in the hilts, and intending to go where neither Pope nor Em­perour can send an Embassador, being throughly tap-shackled, mis­took the Window for the door, and steping rashly on, down he came with the wrong end forward, and in plain English broke his Neck.

His Funerals was very richly set forth; I can tell, for I was there; every man was painted over with black for that day, and wore a Cy­press wreath instead of his Vines. The Body was not laid in a Cof­fin, but put into a Cask half full of Wine, and so Boarn to the Grave, [Page 66] and rouled in rather to a Cistern of Sack, than a Grave of Earth; and was rather drown'd, than bu­ried; each one having instead of Rosemary, a Kan of Wine his hand, which they threw into the Grave, Kan an all; and taking their leaves in these Words, thrice repeated, Adieu sweet Corpulent Country-man: and instead of putting finger in Eye, each thrusts his finger into his Mouth, and disgorges, instead of tears some Quarts: Then hand in hand to the Tavern they go to drink his Remembrance.

This Quagmirist it seems was well esteemed amongst them, for he had a Statue erected in Bacchus Court, and under it these two Verses in the Belly-All-Mic Tongue.

Now I had staid two dayes in this City, without being demanded what I was; but then mine Host came and told me, if I staid one [Page 67] day longer, I must prepare my self to Sacrifice to Bacchus: For quoth he, I must not conceal you any longer, unless you would have me forsworn. No quoth I, pray tell me then the Custom and Ile either perform it, and stay longer, or get me gon presently, and rid us both from danger.

Well Sir, quoth he, saw you not the Statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulpers-Court? And the great Gob­let he holdeth, wherein they pou­red the Wine that issued from his Yard? Yes that I did, said I. Well then, quoth he, you must set your Mouth to this Tap, and suck till you be able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lie under the Spout till all be run out upon you: How like you this? Faith not altogether so delightful qnoth I; But pray tell me, was there ever any Strangers that offered this Sacrifice? All, All, quoth he, not a man escapes it: [Page 68] Too't he must in spite of his nose: some will come willingly, but o­thers are fain to be hailed to their Teat, like a Bear to the Stake. Well Sir quoth I, but Ile be jog­ging, only I intreat you to inform me what Country in this Tract is next in Dignity to this of yours, and worthiest of a Travellers ob­servation; and he told me Brandy-Burgh, by some called, Liquor-Ar­dence, it is under the Government of Sir Limbeck-Stilletory, a Knight of the Noble Family of King Cups; so leading me forth, shewed me the way as plain as Dunstable-Road; and then courteously gave me the Basio Les Manos; and I thanked him heartily for his Valiendo, and par­ted.

Of Brandy-burgh, or Liquor-Ardens, and of the Pilgrimage of St. Brochio.

ALl alone I took my way to­ward the North, leaving the River Forth behind me, untill I came to Spews-bury, the filthiest Town that ever I saw since my Mother bound my head; I staid not long there (I had not need) but passed on, till I came to Coopers-Norton, a pretty well seated Village, but not a drop of Water was to be got in it, for Love nor Mony. The Reason is (as I heard after­wards) lest they should mix it with the Wine, and so prove bad Com­mon-VVealths men.

I was as much troubled with Pots and Flaggons in my Journey, as a Traveller in Spain or Italy is with Crosses; I could not go two Miles to an end, but I should find a bouncing Tankard kennell'd [Page 70] under an Arch; and Drink I must, no gain-saying the Laws.

At last I overtook a Traveller in a Tatter'd Cassock of Haircloath, Bare-Foot and bare-Headed, and demanding whither he Travell'd; Sir quoth he, on Pilgrimage to St. Brochio of Bottles-brook: I questio­ned him at large of the Towns Scituation and Discipline, and also of the Virtues of this St. Brochio. (Quoth he) Bottles-brook is seated in the Confines of Brandy-burgh, in the Town is a Temple of Bacchus-Fiery-Face. They call it Chappel Ar­dent. The top of this Temple is all set with Carbuncles and spark­ling Diamonds, and Rubies very Rich to behold: And from the Embowed Arch there drops (they say) a king of hot Fuming Liquor, which is received into a Vessel placed for that purpose, whose Virtue is such, that if one drink a large Draught of it with good Devotion, he shall never after ei­ther [Page 71] be Drunk before Noon, or Thirst before Midnight; both which helps may do me much good, for I am a man so imployed in my Country, that I can never lye in my Bed till Midnight for Thirst, nor never Rise in the Morning; but before Noon, I am Drunk and fast asleep again: therefore have I gone these three days without Drinking, because I would merit the more of this Holy Saint, when I come there: nor dares any importune me to Drink, or any in my company as long as I wear this Weed.

I was glad of so good a Privi­ledge, and intreated his Company and Patronage. VVell, we went Chatting on, untill I observing the Soyl altered, asked where we were now?

This Country (quoth he) ever since we came over the Lake-Me­theglin, is called the County of Vsquebah, being the first Shire of Brandy-burgh; it is not so well Hus­banded, [Page 72] yet is more fertil than our County of Wine-cester, both in Fat­ness of Soil, and pureness of Ayr; the People of this Nation are ge­nerally Slovenly, and of a Fierce and Terrible Aspect, yet they used us very kindly; we lodg'd in a lit­tle City, (I have forgot the Name of it) very quietly, for we found almost all the Town dead Drunk, at our coming; and left them so at our parting.

And next day Travelling through many Craggy, Fenny, Woody pas­sages, we arrived at a Famous Port-Town called, Aqua Fort: (Now quoth I) being as weary as a Dog, is not this Bottles-brook? No (quoth he) but chear up, for we go not a Foot more by Land, all the rest of our Journey is by VVater.

VVell, to Ship we went, and by this time imagine us Lanched in­to the Main Ocean; but what an eminent Danger, think you we e­scaped there? Our Marriners were [Page 73] all as drunk as Wheelbarrows, not a man could guide himself, one was asleep at the Helm, another going about to Row, fell overboard; whom two more seeking to hall up again, had not we two held them, had both fallen after; a third quarrels and layes a fourth over the Pate for not helping his fellow, he strikes again, and too't they go, fight Dog, fight Bear: All the rest divided themselves into two partyes; now flew the ponderous Oars about their Ears, and hand Spikes and Pump-staves. The water was quiet, and every one used his Oar in the Air; but indeed they were easily knocked down, whose hamstrings Bacchus had already cut in two, only two stood Conquerors, who being too weary of the Massacree fell upon us; but we scorning to be put down by a couple of walking Tankards, got up a Brace of Cudgels, disarm'd them, bound them fast to the Mast, and play'd the Sailors our Selves; [Page 74] but our Vessel sympathizing with her Antient Masters, did so reel from side to side, that had not a brisk gale sprung us forward, we had laid our Bones in the Bottom of those Seas.

As we passed on, I descried as-far off a high smoaking Land, and enquiring of my Fellow Traveller how it was called: That Smoak quoth he comes out of Mount Den­nis, wherein the Souls of such as lived too sober, are purified by Fire, until some of their Living-Friends go on Pilgrimage to Chappel-Ardent for a Bottle of St. Brochio's Liquor, and powring it upon their Tombs they are freed. I smiled at this, and thought now sure I have found the Original of Purgatory.

Well, by that time our Sailers were sober, our Ship became drunk; for we sustained a most Terrible Tempest, which lasted all night in most violent manner; but growing somewhat calmer with the dayes [Page 75] approach, we with comfort had the prospect of our desired Port, which in little time (though with great difficulty) we attained; I was cold and faint, and the motion of the Ship had so jumbled my brains to­gether, that my head seem'd to turn round upon my shoulders, as if it had been set on with a Swivel: I wished heartily for a Dram of Dr. Stephens, and entering the first door I found open, got such refreshment as the Country afforded, and whilest I was thus recruiting my Spirits, my fellow Traveller seeing a sheet or Writing Paper lye on the Coun­ter, exercised his skill in Poetry, expressing the Terror of the late Storm; at which I was very well plea­sed and therefore took a Copy, which take you as freely.

A Description of Bottles-Brook.

WE found this a pretty sweet Town in truth; it is paved with Bottles, and roofed with Lea­thern Budgets; I do not remember I saw any Artificer in all the Town, but Leathern Jack-makers, and Taylors for Bottle-Cases. So that now I saw where the Eat-All-Mains had utterance for their Hides.

The Men of this Town and Country, use no pure Wine, but certain Distilled Waters, mixed with the strongest Grape that they can get, which are so forcibly hot, that the brittle Glass cannot hold them; and therefore they are driven to fortify their Bottles with Leathern Dublets, Rivetted together with Pitch and Rozin.

The Citizens are fiery of Face, and cholerick of Conditions, and of a staggering manner of Pace in their Going; but that which is most terrible of all, they drink and [Page 78] they belch nothing but Flames: one of them is able to drink as much Fire, as one of us can Water. A Man would veryly imagine when he saw them, that they were so many Fire-Drakes, Or, St. George's Dragons: I was in danger before of drowning in Water, but now I feared nothing but stifling with Fire.

There I left my Companion to his Orisons; I loved him well, but my self better, and the next morn­ing got me out of this Vulcans Shop, this Ciclops Forge; and be­ing upon my way, began to con­sult whith my self, if it were not convenient to Travel towards Brew­maulta, to observe the manners, and fashions of the Hopsackoctuns. But considering as my Pilgrim had told me, it was the basest part of the Land, and (but that it is more Beast-like) differs in nothing from the other parts of Drink-All-Main. And while I was thus plodding on, with many [Page 79] Cogitations in my mind what to do, to my great surprize rushes forth an Ambush of armed Shee-Landesses, besieg'd me, took me, bound me, and carried me Prisoner (the more unfortunate man I) a long and toylsome Journey, even to the chief City of the Land called Gossip-Pin­goa.

The Description of Woman-De­coia: Or, Shee-Landt, of the Scituation and Parts thereof.

THE New Discovered Wo­man-Decoia: Or, Shee-Landt, lieth in that part of the Southern Conti­nent, which our Geographers of Eu­rop called Psytaccorum-Regio, the Land of Parrots; the North side is bounded upon Lecheritania, the South upon Thrivingois, the East upon two of the Foolianas, the [Page 82] Fickle, and the Fat: The Soyl thereof is very Fruitful, but badly Husbanded. It is divided into many Provinces, both large and rich, yet all of several Conditions, Habits and Languages. The Principal of them are these, Tatlington, Soldonia, Blubberick, Giglot-Tangier high and low, Cockatrixia, Sluts-Burrow, Shrows-Burgh, and Blackswans-Mark, otherwise called Modestiana; many of these Provinces did I pass through, though against my will; but to speak Truth, Tatlington is the best Coun­try of them all, and hath many fair Cities in it, as Pratlingnople, Tales-borne and Lips-wagg; through the last of which runneth a great River called Slaver, which some­times will overflow the Banks, and drown all the lower part of the Country, as far as Chin-dale; but the Inhabitants have lately devised strong rampiers of Bones, and bent Leather, to keep it from breaking out.

[Page 83] Of all the Cities of Tatlington, or of all Woman-Decoia, Gossip-ingoa is the Principal, thither was I brought Prisoner: Therefore take first an Account of their dealing with me, and then Ile proceed to Describe the conditions of these New Nations.

How Quevedo was used by the Gossip-Ingoesses.

BEing brought to this City, and so to the Court, a Bell was caused to be tolled, and presently all the Inhabitants came flocking together, whose diligent eyes began to survey me narrowly, who stood bound fast enough for attempting Resistance, or offering to make any escape.

At length in the midst of the Multitude, I could hear one baul out for silence, this by her Garb and port, I supposed to be their Captainess, who by many signes and much a do, had somewhat aba­ted the claimer; so that with an elevated voice, I could hear her [Page 84] adress her Speech to the rest after this manner. Vncontroulable and Vndaunted Gossip-Ingoesses, Be it known unto you, that we took this Fel­low, in the Confines of that damn'd Country of Letcheritania, who are a People you well know that have offe­red us the greatest of injuries: I therefore hold it fit in taking Revenge of them to begin with this Prisoner, and if my advice may Gain your Ap­probation, let him be condemned to run the Gantlet To morrow stark naked, through our Regiment of Auxilaries.

She having made an end of my severe Sentence, (with much ado for the noise to be heard) I got leave to speak for my self, decla­ring my Nation to be Old Eng­land; (had I said Spain, I had been ruin'd to all intents and purposes.) The cause of my wandring to make some new Discoveries, of this un­known part of the Earth, that I was no Letcheritanian, nor had no acquaintance with any of them: [Page 85] Telling her Ladyship that it would derogate much from her Nature and Clemency, and from the Honour of her Just Government, to con­demn an innocent Pilgrim.

Well, these good words I can tell you wrought so pretty well, that the poor Young Wenches began most of them to weep; but the Old Coun­tesses were not so soon Mollified; but to the Louse house I must go, till my Country, and cause of Tra­vel was more clearly made manifest before the Grand-Shee-Councel, into whose presence I was brought with a Guard next Morning.

Where, if it had not been for my feign'd Countries Name, the only Paradice for Women, which pleaded on my side, I had received Sentance immediately.

Which the Speaker of the Grand Counsel called there the Pratris, signified to me in these Words, Sir, It is the Pleasure of this Honoura­ble Counsel, Both to remit your Pun­nishment, [Page 86] and give you Liberty, be­cause they have heard that your Country is Famous for the Freedom of Females.

So I was there immediately quit­ted by Proclamation, but not with­out an Oath; for I was brought to Janus Altar, and laying my hand on the same, swore solemnly to ob­serve all these Conditions follow­ing.

I. That I should never go about to Injure this Noble Sex, by Word nor Deed.

II. That I should never Interrupt a Woman in her Talk.

III. That I should commit the whole Rule of the House to my Wife.

IV. That I should never betray any Womans Secrets.

V. That I should never deny my Wife any Womans Ornaments.

VI. That I should continually (no matter whether right or wrong) declare the praise of Women, for Beauty, Wit, and Eloquence, and defend it against all men.

[Page 87] Now therefore, you see my Tongue is tyed by Oath, not to tell all the Cunundrums that I saw amongst these mad Wenches; some­what I may say, but no harm; and Ile venture to stretch as far as I can without Violating my Oath.

Their Forms of Government, and Elections of Persons of State.

THeir State is popular, each one seeking Superiority; and avoid­ing Obedience, they have no abso­lute Laws, but do every thing by the number of their Voices: But the manner of giving up their Votes amazed me, being unacquainted therewith; for they set up a cry altogether, none gives ear, but every one yells as if she were stark sta­ring mad.

They hold a continual Parlia­ment about their more Weighty Affairs of State; now this continu­ance [Page 88] is necessary, because of their Laws uncertainty; for the Decrees of this Day may be all disanulled to morrow, but the same day they cannot, lest their Law-givers should seem unconstant.

Every ones voice is a like in worth, the whole City through, but not every ones Dignity; for they have a certain number of chosen Women, which they call Gravesses; and these have great Authority and Honour in each particular City; but they are not born to this Dignity, but Elected.

They had once a Custom to Elect those Gravesses by Vote from a­mongst themselves, but every one giving her Vote for her self only, it bred a strange confusion; which made them Abolish that kind of Election, and make a Decree, that on­ly such should have a Right to Vote, as would profess themselves neither Young, Fair, nor Eloquent; and this brought all things to as bad a pass [Page 89] as the other extream; for now there was not one that would Vote for any body at all; so that the State was like to want Governesses.

At length they all agreed (and that was very strange) to pass o­ver those places of Electresses, un­to Twelve of the most aged Ma­trons of Old Mumping-ton, a ruin­ous Village hard by, giving them the glorious Titles of Electres Gra­vessial, to set them the more agog to perform their charges.

Insted of Scepters and Swords, the Gravesses have Fans and Glasses born before them, great square Christal Glasses. And allwayes as they pass along through the Streets, they prink up their Atires, and Ornaments, and set their Bulls, and curl'd Towrs, in even and decent Order.

The Original of the Shee-Landesses.

THere are few of these Shee-Landesses born in this Nation, and those are such as are transport­ed hither in their Mothers bellies; but the Principal Inhabitants, are either such as will needs wear their Husbands Breeches, or such as the Husbands Jealousie Banishes; these run Flocking from all parts hither.

Now all such as are their Hus­bands Masters, and are thereupon banished for their unjust claim to Soveraignty, these are assigned to inhabit the frontiers of Shee-Landt, especially in the Countries of Shrows-burgh, and there they are all put in Garrisons.

But as for those that are Voluntier Exiles, being generally of Meek Spi­rits, they are seated in the heart of the Land, to become Votaresses to Peace and Beauty.

[Page 91] Yet there is no fear that this weal Publick should go to ruine for want of Members; and Ile tell you why, because there are so many Volun­tiers comes to this Camp, that the fear is rather want of room for new Inhabitants then otherwise.

I am in great fear, lest my Coun­try Women should have any un­derstanding of this State; for if once they scent it, or get the least smatch of this Land of uncontrouled Liber­ty, we may e'ne go hang our selves; for the Devil a Female will stay amongst us, nay (which will be dreadful) we shall not have one big-Belly left, to lay the Founda­tion of a future Age by. There­fore let me intreat you Sir, as you love the preservation of our Lin­neage, and the General Multiplica­tion of Mankind, be silent in this so important a matter, and keep this Secret, as it highly concerns us undiscovered from our giddy Fe­males, [Page 92] unless we can find a better means of Generation.

Of Giglot-Tangier.

AT Gossip-Ingoa, I Obtained, be­sides my Freedom, the Cities Letters for my pasport; and from thence took my way towards Gig­lot-Tangier, a Country lying upon the South part of Woman-Decoia to­ward Letcheritania: the Land of it self in these parts, is the Worlds Paradice. It is not many Leagues from Loves-Den, which is the first Town in this Road; here I entred into an Aire as delicately scented, as if all the Perfumers in England had lately played their prizes here for Soveraignty.

The whole Country round about is crowded with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes.

The Women of this Wapentake, are generally Tall, and Excellent [...]y adorned with Millinery and Rich [Page 93] Laces; only they practice the Art of Cheek-oyling too much, thereby to help the defects of Nature, by the Effects of Art; they wear no­thing on their Faces, nor on their Breasts; for their Habit it is fair in show, light in weight, and so easie to mount with the smallest puff of Ayr; some of them have their Na­ked parts crusted over with gross painting, but this is most commonly used by the Commoners of Merri­trixton, who are now no entire Na­tion, but scattered (as are the Jews in Europe) through all the Provinces of Shee-Landt.

The Women of Shameless (for so they call the Shire-Town of Giglot-Tangier) have their Houses (Except four Pillars that supports the Roof) built all with Muscovy Glass as transparent as Air.

It is lost labour to seek any of them at home, unless you make your Inquest immediately upon their dressing-time, or somewhat [Page 94] before, but lay your Plot to seek them at a Play house, or in a Ta­vern; and it stands upon a good Foundation, for there you may be sure to find them in droves either Laughing, Singing or Danceing, or very diligently imployed in some such Exercise all the Afternoon.

There is one Street in this Town where are more Danceing Schools, then there are Colledges, both in Oxford and Cambridg, and produces more Practitioners and Proficients; and since the Inhabitants are so mer­rily conceited, Take the account in four or five Brace of Gingles.

[Page 95] But leaving the Road on my Right hand, Noot a boon Sax Mayls an a waa Bit, (according to the pro­nounciation of the Natives) wide of this Town of Shameless, lieth Sluts Burrow: Or, as the Neighbour Countries call it Scotts-Brough: To this Town (though it was out of my way) I Travelled, because I would pass by no curiosities; and here I was fitted.

The Air I think might be whole­some, but for the stinking Inhabi­tants.

Their Beasts hereabouts (as there are a great many) are generally small, women only excepted.

They have great store of Fowl also, as foul Houses, foul Wol­len, foul Linnen, foul Pots, foul Dishes, and foul Trenchers.

I saw but little Grass but what was in their Pottage: The word Hay is heathen Greek to them, nei­ther Man nor Beast knowes what it means.

[Page 96] I made but small stay here, for I thought it not safe, unless a man could have (for every Morsel which he eats) an Antidote, therefore by the same way I came, I returned toward Shrows-Burg, and glad was I, that I was got into the fresh Air again.

Of Shrews-Burg.

IN my return from the Confines Giglot-Tangier, being now upon the most Western Angle of the same, I happened (just as my Staff fell) into the Country of Shrews-Burg, the only Garrison of this Feminine Government, and the only defence it hath against Foreign Invasions.

Here I was finely gull'd, for see­ing Persons in the Habits of men, this is good thought I, I am now gotten out of Woman-Decoia; but when all came to all, I found my self palpa­bly cousen'd with a borrowed shape; for in this Country Women wear [Page 97] Breeches and long. Perriwigs, and Men go with their Chins na­ked in Jesticoes and Petticoats, Spinning and Carding Wool, whilest their Wives discharge the main Af­fairs of State: the Barbarians in Ari­stotles time never used their Women half so Imperiously as the men are used here; the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their Mouths un­less their Wives bid them, nor so much as visit the places of ease, or speak a word with their best Friend, but they must first come to their Wives with a Petition of Quaeso Ma­gristra, Good Mistris give me leave to go, &c. I Observed this Custom strictly required, and the neglect more narrowly peeped into one cer­tain day when I was there, than at other times.

The reason was, because some of the better-spirited Husbands dis­daining to be chained in this un­manly Subjection by their Ty­rannizing Wives, had laid a Plot a­mong [Page 98] themselves, to rise unani­mously on an appointed Night in open Armes, and on a sudden, a­gainst this Female Government, thereby resolving to shake off this Infamous and Disgraceful Servitude. This Plot had took very good Effect, had not Misfortune crossed their good Intentions, and Valiant Resolutions.

Which was by the Means of one Cowardly, low-Spirited, narrow-Soul'd, Henhearted Fellow of their confideracy, who being threatned by his Wife to be soundly cudgel­ed, for some other private Fault; to procure himself a pardon, went and Revealed the whole Plat-form of the Conspiracy, just the Evening before the Night appointed for the performance.

The Women sit at meat, and the Men attend; the Women sleep, and the Men watch; the Women scold and fight, while the Men are fain to ward with their ears, head and shoulders.

[Page 99] What an uncomly sight was it to see a Distaff and Spindle in a Mans hand, and a Sword and Buck­ler in a Womans? yet I concealed my dislike as well as I could, de­siring only to see without suffer­ing.

If any Woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier than Ordinary, (as some of them are tender-heart­ed) she is presently informed a­gainst, and cited to appear before the High Court of Parliament of Shrews-Burg, and there Indicted of High Treason against the State; her next Neighbours give Evidence a­gainst her with such a noise and fury, that it is strange to see their Impatience.

If she be but convicted by the smallest circumstance that is, she is immediately condemn'd to this Pun­ishment; first, she must change at­tires with her Husband, and then shave off all her hair; and so be­ing led by a strong Guard of armed [Page 100] Shrews-Burgisses, through the Mar­ket-place to the High-Cross, where she must stand one whole day up­on the Pillory, as an Object to all the fleering Scoffs, and Derisions of those Crouds of Spectatresses; nor shall the man escape scot-free, for being so audatious to accept of the favours offered by his Wife, without a modest refusal. And when the Woman comes home, she must not put off those Garments, or reassume her others, until she brings a Cudgel into the Court all died with the fresh blood of her Husbands broken pate.

He that out-liveth his Wife, must either marry his Maid, and be sworn to her service, as he was to his former Wives, or else he must become Slave to the next Neighbours Wife, wherein he hath this favour allowed, to chose whe­ther to his right-hand Neighbours, or to his left-hand Neighbours; and this Law they call An Act of Grace.

[Page 101] For no man in this City may be the Ruler of his own House.

In this Country, when the Wife goeth forth either to Wars, Con­sultations, or for pleasure, she leav­eth her Keys, and therewith her whole Authority and Government to her Maid, or her Daughter; ei­ther of which, if the Husband but once mutter against, or grumble to obey, nay, should he but pout, or go unwillingly about the per­formance of his duty, his shoulders are sure to suffer severely for it at his Wives return, unless he can either begg or bribe the Silence of the De­puty-Governesses.

They never Lye with their Hus­bands, but when an Appetite (for you know what makes them sharp set) for that they hold would pro­cure too much Familiarity: Not­withstanding, If the Husband arise not out of his Cabbin in the en­try, or under the Stairs, before the Wife be warm in her Bed, and [Page 102] coming up stairs barefoot, knock three times very gently at her Chamber door, and offer her his Service in a Low voice, and wait her Answer, he is sure to be Dissi­plin'd with a Bastinado next Morn­ing.

The Women of this Country ob­serve a Fashion directly contrary to Ours, for they clip their hair, and let their Nailes grow long.

There are also certain amongst them that are Professors of the No­ble Science of Offence, and keep Free-Schools, wherein the rest are taught all the Wards Offencive and Defencive, both of Heels, Nails and Teeth; as also the most Exact and modish Methods of Clawing off the Skin of Mens Faces, Picking out of Eyes, Biting of Arms, wring­ing of Ears, and tearing of Hair. These Lectures they are instructed in both by Precept and Practice.

[Page 103] I met many of my own Country men (was it not very strange in a Country so remote) whom I knew by sight as well as a Beggar knows his dish: These Acquaintance (like true Friends) gave me Cautions from their own Experiences, of what In­conveniencies might attend me in staying here Long, or being over­curious to inspect their Customs and Manners; also giving me such di­rections, which with heed I Obser­ved: And following their Advices, found the way (at length, though with much difficulty,) through the dirty Fens of Blubberick, over the Mushrum-Palian Mountains, and so arrived upon the Confines of Fooli­ana.

But you may ask why I travel­led not into that part where the Modestianians; otherwise called the Women of Black-Swan-Mark had their Habitations.

Why truly, I hold my self In­fortunate in that one thing alone, [Page 104] That I could not come to see their State as well as the rest; seeing that my mind presaged unto me, that it excelleth all the forenamed.

There is such a People, my friend, I tell thee plainly, but the Region wherein they Inhabit, I could ne­ver come to discover; only their name, I had from the Antient Chro­nicles of the others States, and that as I said, is Black-Swan-Mark.

Indeed there are some of them that live as Hermitisses, in the Craggy-Desarts of some other parts of Shee-Land [...]; but their Habitati­ons are generally unknown, and almost Inaccessible; he that will take the pains to search those vast de­sarts, may by Miracle meet with some of those holy Votaresses.

I happened, I think, unless it was a Dream, to see one or two of them, whose variety of Virtues, Beauties and Behaviours, have left me in an extasy until this very hour, which made me so eager in the pursuit of [Page 105] so pleasing a Discovery, that I al­most ransact every corner of that prodigious Continent: But notwith­standing all my dilligence, could set eye of no more. Therefore who­soever has a mind to Embark in so desperate a Voyage; Let him begin to Travel in his Youth, lest gray hairs overtake him ere he at­tains his intended Discovery: As for my part Ile give it over.

Of the Scituation of Fooliana and Populousness thereof.

FOliana is the most vast and Ill-husbanded Region that ever mine eyes beheld; and yet of all, the most populous; go but upon the Exchange of any Town of Traffick in this whole Nation, and you would swear that the whole World came to trade thither.

[Page 108] Historyographers in their Account of the number of People that are imagined to be in all Europe, say, that Italy is supposed to contain 9000000 more or less; Spain a number somewhat less; England 6000000. The Low Countries near as many; Germany 15000000. France as many; Sicilia 150000. They ac­count also that the Inhabitants of China amount to 70000000. That Country parallel'd with the whole Country of Fooliana, is rather an uninhabitable desart, than a Peopled Nation.

It Lieth just under the Antartick pole, as the Land of Pigmies is under the Artick; and hence I gather, that the Extremity of cold in both these opposed Regions, is the cause both of the Pigmies smalness, and the Foolianders blockishness. Nature graceing her self in Counterpoising the defect of the body in one place, with as great defect of wit in ano­ther.

[Page 109] Fooliana on the South, butteth up­on Belly-All-Main; On the East, up­on Woman-Decoia; and the farthest Corner of Theving-genia: And on the West, upon the Mushrom-Palian Mountains.

The Parts of Fooliana and the Peoples Conditions in General.

FOoliana the Great, is divided into four lesser, as namely Fooliana the Fickle just under the Pole, Fooli­ana the Fat towards the South, Fooliana the fond Easternly, and Fooliana the Devout towards the West.

The Inhabitants of all these are generally tall, their hair of a pale Flaxen; their heads like Sugar-loaves, their Lips big like Moors, and their Ears thick and broad, but their Conditions keep not all one form; some things they have general a­mongst them, and they are these.

[Page 110] What ever Stranger arrives a­mongst them, they presently enter­tain him with all the pleasures that Town, House and Table can afford. If ye come to any of them all with a Conge Spaniard-like; and either commend his good face, his new Coat, his fine Hand, or his fair House; seasoning his Affections with admiring applause: Your obsequi­ousness will purchase you any thing, his courtesie will Imagine nothing to dear for you; for good words, and fair promises, is all the Money that this Nation useth.

Yet they have Gold in abundance, which they barter away for painted Feathers, Glass Beads, small Bells, and the Shels of Snails.

The Inhabitants are of a hard Constitution, going bare-breasted, and thin attired in the depth of Win­ter, to have the more benefit of the Ayr; and wrap themselves up in Rugg Gowns in the midst of Sum­mer, to keep off the heat of the Sun. [Page 111] They have some Phylosotterical pro­fessors among them, that will go almost naked in the midst of Winter in contempt of the cold; and their reason is this: That seeing all Crea­tures, except Man, can be content with hair and hide only, Why should not man, that is Master of them all, break through all the Battalions of Cold, being only ar­med in his Shirt of nature, his Skin? And I promise you it is a very Sensi­ble Argument.

You shall never take any of them solitary, for they continually talk and contend in Argument with themselves; sometimes one word provoking him to tears, and ano­ther immediatly to laughter, the person being all this while single by himself.

They have also certain Religious virtuosies, among them, who begg for scraps, wandring through the ver­ges of Fooliana; and where they find a Stone with any Picture upon [Page 112] it, down they go upon all four with strange mimmical conges and crin­ges. Tapers and noon-day meet ordinarily at every Dinner-time a­mong them, they whip themselves cruelly. First, because no man but themselves will undergo such severe Lashes. Secondly, Because Calves Blood is a pleasing Sacrifice in the Nostrils of their god; their Crowns are shaved, lest the hair growing between the Heaven and the brain, should be a Hindrance to the mind in her Celestial Meditation.

The Women of this Nation are the Principal Governesses, which I was told grew first upon this oc­casion. The Shrews-Burgisses had overcome the whole Region of Fooliana; yet notwithstanding, by Reason of the Barrenness of the Soy I would not possess it, but left the Natives in possession, upon con­dition they did homage for it unto them; paying them an Ass loaden with Gold yearly for Tribute, which [Page 113] was paid a long time, until at length the Foolianders brake the peace up­on these Terms; though as for the Gold they did not value it; but were contented to pay it, had it been twice as much, provided the Shrews-Burgisses would come and fetch it themselves, when it was due.

But for them to force a loving Creature, and one of their Native Town-born Country-Brood, with severe strokes and lashes, to bear this burthen out of their land a­gainst his own proper will and plea­sure; This they look upon to be very hard, and in their Judgment intolerable; whereupon they revol­ted, refusing to perform those Arti­cles and Ratifications on which their peace stood.

This Revolt incensed the Shrews-Burgisses, whereupon they repair to Armes, and entring Fooliana, march­ing without resistance through the Country, even to the Metropolitan [Page 114] City of Blocks-ford, otherwise called Dunce-Town; and entring the same, Allarms were suddenly spread through the City, out comes all the Blocks-fordians crowding them­selves in heaps without Armes, or Order. The Foe was Drawn up with Judgment, and Marshalled in good order, who valiantly giving the on-set, down falls a Citizen or two, which the rest beholding, fell prostrate upon their knees with Sub­mission, the Conquerors weapons were held, so that there was a sud­den Cessation of Arms.

By and by one of the most Emi­nent and gravest Foolianders made a Speech after this Manner.

Well, the Conqueresses are moved by this pathetical Oration, and granted their pardons, upon condi­tion that the Women of Fooliana, should henceforth in all Domestick Imployments have preheminence of Men: To which the Vanquished gave their humble consents, and the Army drew off, marching back [Page 116] (with the Spoils in a most incre­dible quantity) to their own Gar­rison of Shrews-Burgh, the most formidable Garrison of all the Pro­vinces of Woman-Decoia.

Of Fooliana the Fickle.

FOoliana the Fickle is the eastern­most part of Fooliana the Great, and Bordering upon Woman-Decoia or Shee-Landt; but you must not expect an exact description thereof; yet how I found it, and how I left it, you shall know as well as I; but if you chance to go thither your self, as many fine Worshipful Gentlemen, and Men of large possessions have done within these few years, and find not the State, as I have descri­bed it, blame not any defect in me, for their Forms of Government are so daily altered; that 'tis easier to describe the shape of Proteus, or the Colour of a Camelion, than disco­ver their form of Discipline.

[Page 117] I durst venture a wager, that the Antient French were the first Dis­coverers of this Country; for there are some Monuments remaining, that that do signify as much; as their names of Towns, their most Anti­ent Laws, and their chief Coyns.

Their Grounds never carry one certain form two years together; that which is pasture this year, shall be arrable the next: That which was all high Mountaines this year, shall be carried away to fill up Dales the next: Nay, they turn the very course of their Rivers.

They have many Magnificent Cities, but they change their Fa­shion almost every other day.

The chief of these Cities, at my first coming, was called Fair-Felia; but ere I went away, it was Ordered in Counsel, That it should thence­forth be called Butter-Flieux; the whole frame of this City runs upon Wheels, and may be drawn whe­ther the Counsel pleases to Order; or [Page 118] every particular mans House where the Owner sees good.

It is Recorded, that the whole City hath altered its Scituation a Hundred times since the Foundati­on, and thirty times hath quite lost its former shape; when I came there, it was seated upon the River Water-less: But there was an Order from the Counsel Board, that the next Winter it must be drawn up to the top of Mount Want-Wood; and as I was told, the last place it was wheel'd from, was Barren-Down.

The Rivers are so Frozen with extream Cold, that if any be wea­ry of its old place, it may pass the Waters to a new one almost every month.

These Cities often change their formes, for every House is separate from the next: So that as soon as they find the least fault with the old Neighbourhood, away goes House, Houshold and all, seating themselves in another Street where [Page 119] they find a vacancy be the remov­ing of others.

The Cities Arms had lately been, in a field Argent, three Snails bear­in their Shells passant Gules: The Motto on a Scrowl Mea Mecum, I carry my own; But now it is (as long as it continues so) A Field Vert, charged with a Butterfly with Wings displayed Argent, Flowred Or, The Motto Vbi Libit, where I list.

Of the Peoples Conditions and Attire.

THe Inhabitants go all in pain­ted Feathers, as some of the East and West Indians do; for say they, seeing that these light things are sufficient to keep the little Birds warm enough: Why should we desire more, being much better able to bear out the Cold than these tender Creatures?

[Page 120] Now, when they would seem to have new Cloaths, they change the places of their Feathers; so that that which in the Morning they wore on their heads, cometh be­fore night to wipe the dust from their Heels; and that which kept the knee warm but now, by and by sits up half a yard higher.

They Marry Wives, and love them confoundedly for a while, till they take some occasion of dis­like in their Old Bed-fellow: Or, chance to spie another fairer; Then farwel Wife: And welcome with all my Heart Huband, saies she to another; for the Wife is commonly as willing to change, as the Husband; and of­ten takes the first occasion, especi­ally if she dislike the Husbands Cockship.

They use a Stranger as kindly as if he were their own Brother; and the next day will pass by him, and forget that ever they saw him.

[Page 121] They seldome or never proffer any thing, that they do not recall next breath; nor do they ever pro­mise, but they afterwards forswear it; nor do they ever perform any thing, which they do not after­wards repent, and be sorry for; what they sell you to day, if you dislike it, they will give you dou­ble the price you paid for it to mor­row.

They make their Laws new every Year once; for say they, It is not fit, seeing Mans Life is Mutable, that the Rules of his Life should not be Mutable also; besides second Cogita­tions being most Generally perfect, it is a Slavery to be tyed to a first De­cree.

In this City, nigh the Asschange, standeth Turncotes Tomb; upon which I read this following Incrip­tion, in the Foolianick Tongue.

Stay, Sit, Walk, Read: Here Lyeth, Standing upright, Tom­kin [Page 122] Turncote, who was neither Forreigner nor Freeman; Slave nor Soldier, Physitian nor Fen­cer, Cobler nor Courtier, Lawyer nor Usurer; But All. Who lived neither in City nor Country, nei­ther at Home nor Abroad, neither at Sea nor on Land; nor here nor elsewhere: But every where. Who Dyed neither of Hungar nor Chirst, nor Poyson nor Pox, nor Hatchet nor Halter, neither by Casualty nor Disease, but of all together. I P. Q. Being neither his Debter nor Creditor, nor Heir nor Exe­cutor, nor Kinsman nor Friend, nor Neighbour nor Stranger, but all. In his Memory have erected this, neither Monument nor Comb, nor Sepulcher nor Grave; But all these. Wishing neither Evil nor Good, neither to Thee nor Mee, nor Him, But All unto All.

This City stands at present with­in few Miles of the City of Gig­gum-Bobba: [Page 123] So famous for the In­vention of Pendants, Knots, Fanns and false Curls for the Females: Here also was found out that most Incomparable Fashion of Sholder Tassells, by which any Ingenious Man with careful Observation, may come to know his Right hand from his left, and therein readily answer the Queriest without study.

As I Travelled along the Valley Capricious, I chanced to enter a Town that had some shape of an University: The Name they told me was Gallipo­tilliter; here I met with some Shadows of Philosophers, but no substance: It is lost labour to look for any Lectors, Rectors, Books, or Schools of the Seven Sci­ences here; every particular man being his own Teacher, and his own Auditor: Yet here are two Colledges; one of the Scepticks, who deny that any trust is to be given to the Sence; and they are herein so absolute, that they will not be­lieve [Page 124] any thing positive. Steal a­way one of their Purses, or his Gown, and he presently falls in doubt, whether ever he was possessor of such a thing or no. Strike one of them as hard as you can, he doubts whether you struck or not, or whether he felt any stroke or not. Speak to him, or touch him, though he hears, feels and sees, yet he dares not assure himself, that any one thing of this is true.

The other Colledg, consisteth wholly of Gewgawists, who give themselves wholly to the Invention of Novelties; in Sports, Games, Buildings, Garments and Govern­ments. He that can devise a new Game, or a New fashion, accord­ing to his Invention, hath a place of Dignity Assigned him by the Duke.

He that first Invented to blow bladders of Sope and Water out of a Galli-pot with a Tobacco-pipe, is of as great Renown among them, as [Page 125] the Inventers of Printing, Gun-found­ing, and the most Ingenious of Wa­ter-works are amongst us of Europe. These Gewgawists are in great esteem at Court, and among the meaner sort too; for many of them will not so much as have a Button sewed to their Coats, without first consult­ing their Approbations.

These Gewgawists are not only Scholars, but Originals, for they have devised a new Language, wherein they keep the Mysteries of their knowledg only to themselves: It is called the Supermonical Tongue, Parracelsus was provast of the Col­ledg, whose Judgment went a great way in the Invention of this strange Language. But indeed, I am not sure whether this Tongue continues still amongst them, or has by this time given place to some Language of the Later Edition.

Of Fooliana the Fond.

THis Part of Fooliana is the larg­est, and most Antient of all the rest. The Inhabitants of it affirm themselves the Original of all other Nations, as Blocksford the Mother of all other Cities.

It Lieth in the midst of the rest, as the Navel of this goodly Body; on the East it hath Fooliana the Fickle; on the West the Devout; and on the North the Fatt. The Southern part of it is called Cocks-Combaia, of which the farthest Sourthern canton is just under the Pole, where there is an Iron Rock, just like the Rock of Loadstone that is under the North Pole, and this is the reason why the Compass (after you are past the Equinoctial) declines toward the South.

This part of the Province of Cocks-Combaia, is peopled with sloath­ful Inhabitants, but the Northern [Page 127] part is possessed by more Industri­ous and Active Spirits.

Had I not beheld the strange be­viour of these Southern Cocks-Combai­ans, I could never have believed that Nature had bestowed so Divine a Gift as Reason, upon such bruitish Ani­mals; for all of them go like Beasts upon all four, nor do they know any other way of Travelling.

There is no house in all this part of the Country, because, nei­ther the Inhabitants can build any themselves, nor will suffer others to Build any; for they dare not ad­venture under a Roof, lest it should fall upon their heads.

They are every year many of them starved to death, with hun­ger and cold, for they can neither dress their meat, nor make them­selves Apparrel, or Bedding; nor can they speak one word of Sence, There's not a man of them knows his own Father, nor his own Son, nor Wife; nor how to Return the [Page 128] same way he came, nor can distin­guish a Bear from a Sheep, or a Lyon from a Catt; nay, there are some of them, that cannot tell whe­ther they should put their meat in at their Mouths, Nostrils, or Ears. In short, Imagin you saw a real Ass in Humane shape, and such a one is a true South-Country Cocks-Combaian.

Of Ass-Sex.

ASS-Sex a Northern part of Fooliana the Fond, is somewhat better furnished with wit, and wor­thyer of a Travellers Observation; the People account themselves won­deful wise, and profess the searching into Natures most Abstruce Effects, never leaving till they have drawn one reason or other, from the very bottom of Investigation.

They have but one eye a piece; not Born so, but the Parents at the [Page 129] Childs Birth plucks out the other as being useless in nature; for say they, when one Eye is shut, the other hath a stronger faculty to discern.

Part of this Nation go all naked, to avoid the Labour of caseing and uncaseing: Some of them have Hou­ses built without Walls, that the fresh Aire may have free Access; some of them build Nests like Daws in the highest Trees, partly be­cause they might dwell nigher Hea­ven, and partly to exercise them­selves in Climbing.

Every particular man has his pe­culiar Opinion, and profession; am­bition and desire of Glory, draws some of them into strange and incredible Actions; you shall have some going up and down the Streets on their Heads and Hands, others flying about with Wings made of Wax and Feathers.

[Page 130] Some like your Italian Mounte­banks, draw the People together, to behold the effects of some rare Vn­guento, or some strange Engine.

Others out of the basest Mettals, by a Secret Art, can extract the purest Gold; 'tis worth the laugh­ing at, to see the Toylsome folly of these Extractors: These Students for the Phylosopher Stone; for look ye, while they hope all goes well, it being brought to the Magnitude of a Brick-Bat, they are gull'd, and gull'd and Treble gull'd, and yet can't find in their hearts to give▪ it over, till all their Gold be con­verted to Dross, and all their Land by fire turn'd to Aire.

One of them of late, as I was informed, would needs repair to the Oracle, to know the event of this so ponderous a business; the Oracle gave him this answer, Tra­vaillex, which is, take pains; home comes my Student with such an Extacy of Joy, as if he had hold [Page 131] of his god by the Finger; and when all came to all, it was the Devil by the great Toe. Well, to work he falls, with Circulations, Sublimations, Conjunctions and Fer­minations, till all his Brazen head­less labour ended in putrefaction, till Revenues and Reputation were both dead and rotten; whereas in­deed, the Oracle gave him better Councel than he could comprehend, Take Pains. That is,

Of the Cityes of Cockscom-baya and Ass-Sex, and of Blocks-ford the Metropolitan.

THe first City I Accosted in this Country, was Hollow-Pate, a Town of Good antiquity and well contrived, but affords no rarity; therefore I leave it, and pass on to [Page 132] Bauble-dock, a Corporation Wor­thily Famous, for the Wisdom of their Aldermen: These men a little before my arrival, held a Court about Determination of a very doubtful matter; which was thus.

The Sky was very Cloudy, and a terrible storm of Rain or hail was generally feared. The Mayor immediately calls a Bench, who were to Consult how to dispel the suspected Storm.

The First Mans advice, was to Ring all the Bells in the Town; another Advised rather to make great Fires in every Street; thereby to dry up the Moysture of those thick Clouds; at length, the Opini­on of one of the gravest Alder­men was demanded, who standing up, Confutes the Opinions of the two former Politicians, adding his advice, which was, that the only quirk to avoid the impending peremptory Storm, was to Issue forth Immediate Orders, command­ing [Page 133] all the Citizens to shroud them­selves under the Roofs of their own Houses, and so let it all fall to the ground, that so when those bigg­fac'd, bragging Clouds, found no resistance, they would destroy them­selves, and expend their fury before they were aware; Was not this an ingenious Intrigue? Yes, believe me t'was, and had the Unanimous approbation of the whole Bench; Twittle Twattle, don't tell me, Wis­dom is not bound to Inhabit only Eu­rope.

Blocks-ford The very eye of all Terrestial Cities is here seated, Civitas Angelorum, are but Peas-Markets in comparison of this.

It stands partly on a plashy plain, and partly upon a little Mountain, both lying Northward, a great dis­tance from any Wood or River: The upper part of the Town serves the lower with Snow-Water; the lower serving the upper with Spring-Water.

[Page 134] There are in the Circumference of the Walls, just Sixteen Gates, wherein (to the Founders Fame) it exceeds all the Cities of the World by four; the Geometrical form is neither Circuler nor Oval, but like the portraiture of a mans Body; he that Surveys this Town, will Ima­gine that he beholds Prometheus, as he lies bound upon Mount Adazer: Or, the Lineaments of some migh­ty Colossus.

The Market place is on the Hills top, for that being the Head of the City, Administers life and Nourish­ment to the expanded Body.

On this Mountains top, the Mag­nificoes and Seniors of the City have their habitations, to the end, that as they are the Head and Eye of of the City; so the Body should lye as a fitter Object to their pro­spect.

Down from this head descendeth a narrow Street, which resembles the Neck; which is Inhabited only [Page 135] with Sergeants, Beadles, and Deputy Constables: From the lower end of this Street, do two other extend themselves on either side, resem­bling the Arms and Hands. These are peopled, though but sorrily, with Handy-crafts Men, but with few or no Crafts-Masters.

The Bulk of this Fabrick Lyes in a Broader Street, and here you have all your Inns, Ale-Houses, and Taverns, down to the Loyns; the lower parts being Inhabited by Sca­vingers, Jackes-Firmers, Broom-Men, Fish-Wives, and Card-match Wenches, which I shall Let alone.

The Magnificoes build their Hou­ses of a stately Form, and very lof­ty, to be thereby the nearer to Heaven; and more elevated from this unrefined Dunghil of Terrestial Conversation. Their Houses are cu­riously depicted within, with the Names of their Ancestors, Guests, and intimate Acquaintance; Done with Charcoal, or the Flame of a Tal­low Candle.

[Page 136] The Grand-Dunsonions, for so the Burgomasters Tytle themselves, whilst I was there, held a Parliament about matters of State in general; and in particular about Securing, Brautifying, and Advancing the Publick good of this City of Blocks­ford, where every one (as is allowed) gave his Opinion, touching the Commodious Advantages thereof; one Advises them to cause a Con­venient Haven to be cut through the Mountains, (though it was a­bove five hundred Miles from the Sea) that Ships may Trade to the City; produceing examples of o­ther Cities, whose Glory stood wholly upon the Riches of a Navi­gable Trade.

A Second riseth, and to confute all the others Arguments, Discour­ses what a dangerous thing it is to repose Confidence in such an incon­stant element; producing divers Ex­amples of Cities that lay buried in the devouring Womb of the Seas.

[Page 137] Another rather advises, that Con­duits may be Erected in the Vallies, that will elevate, and defuse the Water in smaller streams, without fear of Delluges; which may be conveyed in pipes from below to the Mountains top, which is easy to be done; saies he, for if you observe the Water, how it bubbles upwards, thereby denoting, that it is willing to ascend, if it had but Pipes for Conveyence.

Well, none of these passes the Ap­probation of the Bench, but then sud­denly up starts a Fourth, and he is for raising a high Mountain above the City, for these subsequent uses.

First, because the whole World might not take notice of the Acti­ons of the Blocks-fordians; and more especially of the Grand-Dunsonions. Secondly, That thereby the City would be better fortified. Thirdly, That they might be better defended from Cold, by the warm Scituation of the City, under so high a Mount; [Page 138] and that this Mountain the Inha­bitants of the Valley should dig be­low, and so lay it together above the head of the City, and then a Bridge should be built from one Mountain to the other; by which the City might be Accommodated with necessaries.

This Speech ended, up steps ano­ther, and smiling, demands if it were possible that a Valley should produce a Mountain: But said he, should we allow a posibility, yet to build a Bridg were indiscretion; for, should a Traveller stumble, or lose foot-hold; there were no way in the World to escape present death, or which is worse, the breaking of an Arm or a Leg: No, but if my small Experience in State-Affairs, may Receive Approbation of this Grave Assembly of Dunsonions, I would rather advise to an enter­prise which may be easily effected, and would advance the Honour and Dignity of this Metropolitan City, which is this:

[Page 139] That every man according to his Ability, shall erect a Spire upon the top of his House; and upon the uppermost point thereof shall ad­vance a Cock, Vulgarly called a Weather-Cock; either of Brass, or Silver, with a Combe of Gold, or Goldsmiths Work. This Cock to be moveable, and to follow the ex­press commands of the Wind.

And in every Spire I would have Chimes, or at least a Clock, to strike hourly; which being once complea­ted, O! What Pathetick Spirit can express the reduplicated delight which will redound from hence, both to the Eye and Ear!

To see such a glittering fulgur of Lofty Spires, and to hear such a sweet Clamor of Harmonious Bells.

He had not quite closed his Mouth, before the whole Court opens in Acclamations, and Appro­bations, of this Project, so gravely and States-Man like propounded, and presently the Bench arose, [Page 140] Commanding the performance, ac­cording to this so Learned Advice; so that, he that in his Travels shall hereafter Arrive at this City, will find it in far more Glorious Estate then it was my hap to behold. That's certain, for I saw some of the Scaffolds raised before I came from thence.

Of the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza.

NEre unto Blocks-ford, lyeth the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza, a Country not long since very Rich, and of Antique and Honourable Me­mory; but now it is quite gon down the Wind: I observed no­thing worthy of note, except a Large Forrest called Acteons Dogg-Kennel, and an Eight square City called Hey-Dice; with another lit­tle Corporation, by the Inhabitants named Hawks-Pearch.

The Inhabitants of all these are [Page 141] the only Spenders under the Moon; they study nothing in the World but the Mistery of scattering; some delighting in Rich Habits, some in Doggs, some in Hawks, some upon a pair of Ivory Cubes, or A pack of Speckled Past-boards; and thus their patrimonies take Wing, and when all is gone but Garments, Ene have at all, and farewell them too.

The Dice, or the Brokers, are their Ordinary Chapmen; well, what's a man but his pleasure: But now whether this Marquisate belongs to Fooliana the Fond: Or, the Fat? that I cannot resolve: But how­ever, I am sure 'tis within the Ter­ritories of Fooliana the Great.

Some Lawyers and Usurers have formerly inhabited about this Coun­try, but in this Latter Age they are all transported, and most of them dwell now about the City of Pick-Pocket-an-gul, in the Pro­vince of Thevingenia, of which I shall discourse by and by.

[Page 142] In this Continent joyning to Spendall-ezza, is the Antient port of Cold-harbour, which is joyning to Prodigalls Promentory, which is a Sanctuary to Banckrupt Debtors. To this place Resorts all that are cast in Law, or such as are Insufficient to satisfie their deluded Creditors.

Those in this Country that have any Sons, Assign them their patri­monys before Nature allows them any Beards: And if in case they dye before this time, all the Estate is left to their Wives; out of which she pays their debts by Sequestra­tion. But if they bury their Wives, they lavish more on their Funerals, than would serve for a portion with the Foulest of their Daugh­ters.

Of Clawback-Court.

BEtween this Marquisate and Fooli­ana the Fat, lieth another Na­tion called Clawback-Court, which is peopled with the strangest Mon­sters that ever man beheld; every man has two faces, and speaks with two Tongues.

This Nation is Born to servitude, and voluntarily make themselves Slaves to the Magnificoes of Foolia­na the Fat, which Borders upon this Country? And though they are so sottish, that they cannot of themselves enterprise any thing worthy of commendation; yet they can immitate, and Counterfeit any Action they see done before them. The World has not the like for exact resemblances; they neither wear Attire, speak word, or do deed, but they have seen the like be­fore.

[Page 144] When I was there, they halted all upon one Leg, and went Spit­ing and Spawling from Morning till Night: The Reason was, as I since understood, that Seignor-Tickle-Ear their Governour, had of late hurt his Foot, and withall was trou­bled with an Old Pocky Cough.

There are by Report, some Gal­lants among them, pertaining to the Court, speak to, or look but upon one of them, and you shall have him presently kiss his hand, cringe in the Ham, and with a La­borious Congee, like an Eccho, Re­verberate the last word you speak; and with an Applauding smile twist within you, with the most fawning Terms immaginable, Mustring up a whole Heralds-Office of Titles, and top-heavie Preambles. Then putting his lips together, stand ho­vering for your next Syllable, to un­derstand how his last was approved: which if Current, though scarcely Sense, is presently Recorded in his [Page 145] Tables as more than Humane Con­ceipt, nay, as an adored Oracle; then standing with his Eyes fixt on the Element, adores you with as warm a Zeal, as a Drink-All-Main does Bacchus upon all four.

These increditable Courtiers are the Principal Gentry in these parts, or at least their outward appearance presents them so: As for the rest, they are, or look like Barbers, Sales-Men and Milleners.

They acknowledge no God, but the man whom they make choice to serve; and him they observe with more Sacrifices and Adoration than an Idol, but it is from the the Teeth Outwards.

The first City in this Region is called, Praise-all: A sight-affecting Structure; but so slightly Built, that there is no hope it should stand long. It is much enriched by the Traffick of the River Fiction, and is often damnified by the In­undations of the same. Nere this [Page 146] Town standeth a Village called Tongue-Walk, where the Inhabitants are continually talking; this Vil­lage is Scituate at the Foot of a Mountain, from whence it ariseth as far as Tickle-ear, a Famous Burrow-Town, where stands the Mannor-House of their Senior; who derives his Title from hence.

The Inhabitants imploy them­selves in continual Laughters.

On the other side of this Mount, lieth a pleasant valley called Sooth­ing-Dale; and at the further end thereof, is a Marsh called Scoffstow­fen, which reacheth down as far as Shamesteed; a Town of infamous note, whither they use to banish all their Witches, Conjurers, Ass-trolo­gers and Almanack-Makers.

Of Fooliana the Fat.

THis Region appears to exceed all the Southern Countries round about for Wealth and Pleasure; and were it as it seems, I question whe­ther the whole Northern World, could find a Country to parallel it: But indeed, the People general­ly feign to have what really they have not; and do fairly amplify that which they possess.

There is a double ledg of Moun­tains extend some ninety German Miles in length, and between them is a spacious Plain of the same length; and this is Fooliana the Fat, through which the River of Ease, a very goodly Current, hath its course, with many Semi-circling Meanders.

Do but imagine what delicate Prospects, are from so many state­ly Cities, as are ranked on the Mountains sides, over the fertil [Page 148] Plaines, so Richly watred; and stored with fat pastures, which are Inviron'd with comely ranks of flourishing Willows.

The neatness of these Cities ex­cells their number; yet are they but of a slight kind of building; and though their outward forms pro­mise all decorum; yet within you shall find very little good Order.

At the Mouth of the passage, through these Mountains, stand­eth the Castle of Braggadril, proudly Built, but beggarly Stated; And nigh unto it is Backbiting-Burg: By this Town is a Rock of incre­dible altitude called Breakneccliff; it is as broad at the top, as at the bottom, and beareth the form ra­ther of a Tower built by mans hand, than any work of Nature. This Rock is as famous for a place of Execution here, as ever the Tar­peian Cliff was in Rome.

On the other side of this Fa­mous Cliff stands the City of Bawds-Den. [Page 149] This City has been oftener on fire than ever was Old Rome; partly through the Negligence of the Citizens, and partly through the aptness to take fire; for they use in their Buildings Brimstone in­stead of Lime, and Brandy instead of Water, which serves them instead of Tarris or Morter, being mixed together.

Adjoyning to this, is Scituate a­nother little City called Puncks-nest Built all of Flint; and a little fur­ther towards the Frontires of Idle-Burg, lie those large Mountains, commonly called Holiday-Hills; where the people keep continual Revels, and sit in Judgment upon such as offend by observing work­ing dayes.

Two fair Cities are seated on these Hills, Games-bury and Merry-Com-twang; and on the East side of them the River Ease falls into the River Idle, making three or four Islands, called by the Inhabitants [Page 150] the Dancing-Isles, Inhabited only by Organists, Pipers and Fidlers.

The Quality and Conditions of the People.

EVery Individual man in this Country professes himself a Gen­tleman Born. And most of them can shew Pedigrees for a thousand years before the World was crea­ted; you shall have their Galleries drawn with their Lineal and Cola­teral Descents, though the Neigh­bours are able to prove, their Grand­fathers were either Carters, Coster­mongers, or Coblers.

Their best sort of Gentry con­tent themselves with the poorest fare that ever attended a fasting-day; yet some of them perhaps will make a feast once a year; which for excess of Provisions, and Multitudes of Guest, will put a period to the Inviters Revenues; who all the year after will defraud [Page 151] his barking stomach, to accomo­date the back with the best he can rake together; yet will they never acknowledg or confess their defect of Belly-Timber, but the contrary; where ever you meet them about dinner time, you may observe them picking their Teeths, as if newly come from the destruction of a Regiment of Dishes.

No man that knows them will lend them a Groat upon their Cre­dits: Therefore they are obliged to to hire their Apparel at the Burrow Town of Brokeria, or take it up at Bumaree of the Merchants of Tallymore.

They give themselves tedious long Names, and delight to have their Country and alliance mentio­ned in their Titles; which being joyned together, it is directly im­possible to pronounce in a breath. The Gentleman-Cook at the Ordina­ry where I dined, was named Signior Hernando Gonzalo Ribadenira [Page 152] de Toledo; They wear their Swords generally as long as their Titles; for I hapned to be there when the Youth were Training, or indeed more properly Trayling; as appears by their Trayling of Swords at their heels, as we our Pikes to accom­modate the Funerals of a Field-Officer: But hold there, stand clear a little, I am resolved to have one touch at this long Sword with my verse-Pen:

Ostridge Feathers are as dear with them, as Russia Furs with us; some of them will hang Bells at their heels, that the noise may attract peoples eyes upon their graceful carriage as they pass the Streets.

One thing I marvelled at among the rest, (as well I might); most of them, instead of Meat, live upon the fume of a certain Herb, which they receive through a long En­gine made of white Clay into their Mouths; from whence it issues like the fume of a Brewers Chimney; I know not certainly whether they had this from the West Indians, or the West Indians from them: Yet some affirm, that the Indians of the Torred Zone Invented the same to make themselves black within, dis­liking to have their inner parts of one Colour, and their outward of another. [Page 154] Some of them wast their patri­monies upon this kind of Diet, Smoaking so long till all the Fat be in the Fire, and all the Fire out of the Kitchen.

Some of them especially in Bawds-Den, and Punks-nest, keep certain females as long as their Estates will last; (certain did I say) well I was mistaken; for when they have sweetned you out of most of your Superfluous Guinies: Their Lodgings are removed, and 'tis very uncer­tain where, or when, either you or their Landladies shall see them a­gain. These had formerly the Ti­tles of Harlots: But since their Language has been more Civili­zed, they give them the Alamode Name of Courtezans, which the Mo­dern Translation Renders Miss: Be­sides a Wife, these Supernumeraries are allowed, to such as can maintain them both by Law, and the Anti­ent Custom of the Country.

Of the Paradice of Fooliana the Fat.

THere is not in all Fooliana, so Rare and Stupendious a Monument, as The Paradice of Fooliana the Fat; A work worthy of admiration: You shall afar off, behold a shining Mountain all of pure Gold, or it seems so, and that's as good; framed in old time by Chymical Art. On the top of this Mountain standeth a Palace of Cristal, built by the Goddess For­tune, where she Inhabits, giving freely all Abundance to her Cre­dulous Worshipers.

Hither do People Flock from all the Nations of the World; but especially from Fooliana the Devout: There are very few in the World but have seen this Mount, and As­cended it.

[Page 156] Men may talk of our Lady of Loretto: Or, St. James of Compostel­la: They are but Desarts in Comparison of this. Here the Pil­grims lye prostrate in the Valley as thick as hailstones in the Road after a frosty Storm, but none must approach the ascent of the Hill, till they behold a white Banner dis­played, which is a sign the God­dess is pleased they should ascend; then unanimously with Acclamati­ons they bellow, Madona Scoperta; and then run that run can, crowd­ing one another in the narrowness of the passage; happy is he that can get first; each praying that it would be the Goddesses pleasure to grant his desires.

One prayes to attain his Love; Another, that Fortune would send him a Wife that is no Shrew: A Third, for Honours; A Fourth, for Riches; here you shall have a par­cel of Young Heirs praying for the Deaths of Parents and Vncles; [Page 157] and there a Crowd of Beardless Students, praying devoutly for the Funerals of the Reverend, and Right Reverend.

Their was an Old Fat Blade Cloathed with a Coate paley of Argent and Sable, and on his head a Crown of very Antick Fashion, almost like a Dutch-Womans Stove-Pot with the Bottom out; this kind of Crown the Inhabitants call a Timer. This Old Fellow prayed heartily for the Death of the present Pope.

Another King-like Person sued for the next Monarchy that fell; but he was sent away as cold as a Snow-Ball. Here stood a Flock of hard-favoured Wenches, most of their suit was for Beauty; some for Sweet-Hearts: There a parcel of Old Women with as many Oaken Trees in their heads, as Teeth; and these expected to be set back to the age of Eighteen: You must note, there were abundance more than I could take notice of.

[Page 158] Well, But how came they off? For that take one Example of a person that sought for Honour: Comes one of the Flammins to him, blindfolds him, takes him by the hand, and leads him through a hund­red Turnings, to a place which he is to believe is the Temple of the God­dess, not to be beheld with mortal eyes, and therefore he was Muffled: Down he must upon all four, and kiss the pavement, and so continue without moving, till the Goddess call him by his Name: Then let him demand what he list; (If he effect her commands without delay or distrust) be his request never so difficult, it shall be fulfilled. Well, he propounds his petition, which was the highest pitch of earthly honours: the Goddess assents very gratiously, commanding him to re­ceive a Holy portion; whereby his Spirits should be better adapt­ed for the ensuing felicity; the Flammin presents him the Cup, [Page 159] which he freely drinks off, praising in his thoughts its delicious taste; being ignorant that it is a portion prepared of Poppy, Opium and Let­tice; and such other procurers of Sleep; well, within an hour he's as fast, that it is as easie to remove a Mountain as to awake him.

Then the Attendants lay him in a Rich Bed, and in a Chamber like a Kings, Clad with Ivory, and Arched with Golden Pillars; all the Tables spread with Car­pets: The Arras of Champania, and the Tapestry of Alexandria, are but Sackcloath in comparison to them.

About the Door stands the A­tendants in Gold Chaines, and all other Courtier-like Accouter­ments, expecting when this Endim­mion Junior will awake, which is commonly three dayes after; who lifting up his head, beholds the Room with amazement: And see­ing this fair company of shining attendance, is wholly transformed with wonder.

[Page 160] Whilest they approach in Order with a Ceremonious reverence, sa­luting the awakened King, with the Titles of Majesty, (I protest this is brave): sayes one, What Ap­parrel will it please Your Majesty to wear to day; either your suit of Tissue Embrodered with Rubies, or your Gold Vest with Carbuncle But­tons, or your Pearl-powdered Cam­paign? Yes, yes, Tissues, Rubies, Pearles, Diamonds, Carbuncles; hay day, why the mans an Endimmion indeed; and won't change states with the Man in the Moon, for all his Cellar of Claret.

Well, Rich Garments are brought, every one Assisting to array this Mighty Monarch, setting a Diadem upon his head; adorned with Pearles of Incredible Magnitude, and Lustre: All this goes well still.

Well thinks he to himself, get Dinner ready, (as 'twas time, hav­ing not eat in three dayes); so [Page 161] thought, so done; Dinner is prepa­red and served up in State; such rare Services; such brave Atten­dants; with such Harmonious Mu­sick. Nineteen Muses can't furnish a man with words sufficient to describe it.

Thus is the whole day spent, the fine King supposing all his own still: Well, Night comes up with supper; and up comes Supper with more Rarities, and Richer Atten­dants then waited at Dinner; and for Conclusion of the Feast, the Royal King has tother Draught given him of the Holy Potion, which presently locks up his sen­ces fast enough; and then my poor twelve-hours King is stript of his Tissues and Rubies, and reinvested with his own Garments; carryed out at a Postern Gate, and laid in the High-way for passengers to gaze on; who when he awakes, falls in­to as great amazement as before, and calling to mind how glorious [Page 162] a state he was enthroned in yester­day; and now finding himself ut­terly deprived of all; curses his own misfortune; not attributing the least deficiency or unwillingness to the Infallable Goddess.

Of Fooliana the Devout.

UPon the Western part of the two Foolianas, the Fat, and the Fond, lyeth Fooliana the Devout; a Region fertile enough in it self, but through the Inhabitants negli­gence, altogether uncultured.

The Inhabitants are of Opini­on, that a man cannot do God bet­ter service, than in the utter neglect of himself.

There are several pretty Ham­lets in this Province; as Fragment, Sirnamed the Mouldy, Wonderfield; and a little way from them, lieth Creep-ham-high-Cross, and Cringing-Beck.

[Page 163] The Borders of this Nation are but desarts; and some of the Vil­lages have but few Inhabitants, as Lent-Stow, Pilgrims-Inn, and Scourge-Nock, are left almost deso­late, only once a year they are vi­sited by some few Venetians.

The number of Monastries in this Country, exceeds the Number of their Towns; there is not one Free-holder Inhabiting in all these parts, for the Cloysters have Monopoliz­ed all the Land every Straws bredth, to make the better Cheer for their gods.

Four sorts of Building is obser­ved in this Country, Temples, Mo­nastries, Hospitals, and Hovels.

They are all of one Religion, but they know not what it is; for they profess Ignorance, and neglect en­quiry, following Tradition.

In their pace, they make conti­nual Crosses; one thigh Thwarting the other at every step; so like­wise, they carry their Armes one [Page 164] Cross another: They have goodly Temples, and yet they will down on their Marrowbones in the open Fields (if they spy but an Antick-face upon a Stone, or an Old Logg) ratling their Beads at least two and fifty times over.

There are more gods belong­ing to this Country than men, some of them augmenting the num­ber of their Deities with Adorati­on of Horses, Hoggs and Hounds; every day giving life to a new De­ity. There has been two hundred made in one Temple upon one day.

These Foolianders never touch any thing, be it Water, Oyl, Salt, Wax, or Iron, before the Divel is driven out of every corner of it.

In this Province, is the rarest Miracle that ever Nature saw, or man heard of. In the Hamlet of Wonder-field, there is not a Stone but can hear, see, weep, laugh, [Page 165] move, cure Diseases, sweat Blood, and do more than ever was done by the Semones, the Daemons, or all the Black-Guard whatsoever.

The State Publick of Fooliana the Devout.

THeir principal Governer, is a Com­pound of Emperor and Priest, or half Prince, and half Bishop; parte per pale, wearing a Crown upon a Miter: Or, a Miter in a Crown.

There is alwaies born before him, a Key and a Sword, the emblems of of riches and Power. His Key sig­nifieth, that all the Foolianders Ca­binets are at his Command; his Sword denotes, that he may at his own pleasure take from others, and defend his own.

[Page 166] All that comes into his pre­sence, must kiss his Toe. He is not born, but chosen, to this Digni­ty; yet not before he be very Old, lest the People should be weary of him, before he be weary of his Life.

He seldom Rides but upon Mens Shoulders, to shew that men in re­spect of him, are but as Beasts in respect of Men.

He never demands a penny Tri­bute of any Subject, but what they give willingly; he receives thank­fully, and spends freely.

He makes no Laws, nor keeps any; nor issues any Decree, but once within two Years it is out of use.

He useth his Servants with much Familiarity; and when he pleases, lifts them up above the greatest Men in his Court.

I might have learned much more in this Court worthy of [Page 167] Observation; but to tell you the Truth, I was weary on't, and did not care to tarry any longer then needs must.

The Description of Theevingenia.
Its Scituation.

THeevingenia is bounded on the West with the Streights of Magellanus, and on the East with Fooliana the Devout, and part of Belly-All-Main. It is a Soyl so ut­terly void of fertillity, that not a Shepheard nor Husbandman can be [Page 170] found in all the borders; yet is it not strange that this barren Coun­try should so abound in all ne­cessaries; nay, and Superfluities al­so? There is no rarity, or excel­lent thing of valuable worth in the World, but they will have it by hook, or by Crook; and when they have got it, you may as soon get a fart from a Dead man, as reco­ver it again from their Clutches.

The Easternmost part is inriched by the Spoyles of the two Foolianas; the Fat, and the Devout. The Western by the Spaniards Cacap­lates. These are the most Nota­ble Pyrates of the Globe.

The whole Country is divided into two Seigniories, Robbers-Waldt, and Liegerdemain. The first of which butts upon Fooliana, and an Angle of Belly-All-Main: The lat­ter lieth more West.

Contrary to the other Thievin­genians. The wandring Robbers-Walders keep themselves in their [Page 171] own Bounds; but all of them are for the most part Barbarous and Inhospitable.

The Conditions Of the Robbers-Walders.

RObbers-Waldt is divided from the two Foolianas by the Fenns, usually called the Filching-Fenns; wherein there are Many Islands made by the turnings of the Wa­ter; The whole Region is so Woody and Mountainous, that it seems rather a Desart than a place Inhabited; and appears a place fit­ter for Rebellion, then Habitati­on.

Their Language is very crabbed, and though I did not care to un­derstand it; I observ'd in it a Mixture of Welsh; which seems to have been taught them by some Antient Travellers of our Western Brittains.

[Page 172] This Seigniority is Indifferenly well peopled, but under no Govern­ment; each man holds himself born only for himself, and liveth obeying and respecting himself on­ly; what he gets from another is forthwith his own, as good and Lawful prize.

In Bodily shape they are like us, only all the Inlanders have Claws upon their Hands instead of Nails; and this is not only Natural to all the Robbers-Walders, but to the Lie­gerdemainists also.

Upon the Mountaines of this Soyl breedeth a kind of People called the Bandity; who usually beggs of Passengers, with a Fezee upon their Shoulders: they are the Keepers of Booty Forrest, a frith so called; which is of that breadth, that the high Dutch Hercinian ad­ding to it Englands Sherwood: They are both but a dayes Journey for an Irish Louse, (Let her march ne­ver so fast) if compar'd to this.

[Page 173] Ile justifie, and be as good as my word; that if Hercinia kept ten thousand Thieves, (as 'tis supposed it did, Booty Forrest maintains a hundred thousand Hercinia! Why 'tis a Blanket for a Cat, a meer Cock-pit; nay, 'tis no bigger then a Tobacco-Box, in comparison of Booty-Forrest.

You shall not find any man of State but keeps a Fort or Garrison: And in these Fortresses they keep all they purchace; and thats no small prize. They are no Shittle-cocks; what they have they hold.

When they march out upon their Expeditions; The poor Commonalty are sure to untruss their Portmantles under the Branches, and lay their Noddles close to the Root of some Antient Oak, (Sic fuit ab Initio) quoth the Gentleman to the Chand­lers Son; So did your Fathers, and so must you, be you never so top­gallant. [Page 174] Some of these Villiacoes lye in wait to make prize of poor Passen­gers; and when they catch them, they uncase them to the Skin, not leaving them so much as a tatter, to serve for a Curtain to the Worlds propagater.

The Liegerdemainists of late made a Decree, that no Younger Bro­thers shall have any share in the Fathers Land; and this Law hath added a great multitude of Volun­tiers to the Robbers Walders.

The Devout Foolianders you know are great Lovers of Crossess. Well, but they cannot love them so much as these hate them; there­fore if any of them hap to be ta­ken in Robbers-Waldt, farewel Fooli­ander, up they go as round as a Juglers Box; and the chief reason is, because these Devout Foolianders do use to mock the Robbers-Walders, by making Gibbets at them with their Fingers.

[Page 175] There is continual Dissention and Civil Wars among themselves, about injurious Booties forced from one another, or about dividing the Spoyles. And take my word Sir, the whole World fares the better for't; for should they lay their heads together against our world, we might e'n put up our Pipes, and cast our Caps at the Moon, for any Estates we should hold long.

It is a great Commendation, and sign of towardness in their Children, to be expert at Filching in their Early Years, which they are taught to practice from their Infancyes; you shall have the lit­tle Theevelings while they suck at their Mothers Breast, to pick pinns out of their Heads, and Pence out of their Purses: But if they be taken in being either too slow-handed, or to boysterous, up goes their Bumms without Baile. And [Page 176] as they grow in Years, they must Augment their practice, by steal­ing Ducks, Geese, and so advance­ing to Cattle: If Trading be dead, and nothing of worth to be had, then they must keep their hands in practice, by stealing a Clod from their Neighbours Ground, or a stake from his Hedg. This is usuall among the Borderers of Lie­gerdemain; between which, and Robbers-Waldt lyeth a large Heath called Lyers-bury-Plain, of which we will Discourse when we have passed the Marine parts of Robbers-Waldt.

The Pyrates and Sea Borderors of Robbers-Waldt.

THese Pyrates disperse them­selves all along the Shores of Magellanus's Streat, on the Banks Theevingenia, and among the Isles of the Filching Fenns.

Europe affords not any Sea-man that knows his Bays, Creeks, Tides, Shelfs, Rocks and Channels better then these men do in general; be­sides, they naturally Swim as the Fishes themselves.

Their chief Haven is Jeer-All, a Town of no great strength and compass, but of as hardy Pyrates as the World affords; it is Scituate in that Angle of Robbers-Waldt, that lyeth just upon the head of the Filching-Fenns, over against a part of Belly-All-Main.

[Page 178] The Shores hereabout are repor­ted to be edged with Rocks of Loadstones, which draws the Ships upon the Coasts from an incredi­ble distance.

A little within the River Filch­ing there is another Town called Lysal, which takes Tribute of all Vessels that pass that way.

The Inhabitants lay out great Hooks baited with Load-stones, wherewith they Angle for Ships as do for Trouts; and where it once seizeth, it keepeth its hold fast. These are also good Swimmers, be­ing as expert and perfect in the Art as the Dolphins, and like Cro­codiles, or English Otters, live as much in the Water as on the Land; of these do our European Naviga­tors stand in great fear.

Of Lyers-Bury-Plain, and of the City of Pick-Pocket-Angul; with the Nature of the Lieger­demanians.

NOw I return to Lyers-Bury-Plain, which lyeth upon the verges of Robbers-Waldt and Lieger­demain; And serves for a free Com­mon to them both; there is a River Runs through the midst of it cal­led Memento, which divides the whole plain into two parts; and on this River are divers of the Lieger­demanian Towns and Garrisons sea­ted.

Ever since Spain obtained the Conquest of these Indians, that bor­der upon this Continent, the Lie­gerdemanians have tollerated the Je­suits, (those busie-bodies that will needs scald their Chops in the [Page 180] whole Worlds Porridg) to pay their visits here; and also to Inhabit this Land; which the Irruptions of the Robbers-Walders had otherwise De­populated.

Here are many Astrology-Schools, whose professors are more in fa­vour with the Leigerdemanians, than any other Artists whatsoever, ex­cept Poets and Lawyers.

Here in a little Town called Prediction, I set up School my self, and read the Lecture of spying wonders in the Heavens urinal, as Methodically as any Star-gazer of them all: I had my Ptolomy, Tycho, Guido Bonatus, my Bencorat, my Zabel, my Messahalach, my Abbo­hali, and my Hali Aben Razehel all at my beck; and by their Pre­scriptions I wrote an infallible Prognostication of these present Times.

These Liegerdemanians are far more Sociable, or at least more [Page 181] circumspect and secret in their in­triegues than the Robbers-Walders; for what these do in publick, the Legerdemanians act privately, liv­ing under a Law and a Prince also, whose Title is Triberio-De-Golden-Gripo; he keeps his State in a Delicate City called Free-purloyn, Scituate in the very heart of Lyers-Bury-Plain.

They never budge abroad in the day time, but keep within-doors, and contrive, what they bring to Action in the Night: They hate the Sun, and love the Moon with like extreams of Affection.

The Trees of this Soyl are Na­turally qualified like the Inhabi­tants: No Bird can light upon them, but is presently taken as with Lime-\twigs.

The Chief Town of traffick in these parts is Pick-Pocket-Angle, wherein are two Streets, Tongue-Street, and Pawns-Brook, which in [Page 182] my judgment, exceeds all the Streets of any one City in the World, for length and stateliness of Buildings. Tongue-Street is the general Rendez­vouz of all the Lawyers; and Pawns-Brook of the Brokers, Vsurers, Taylors and Scriveners.

'Tis most certain, that no Nation under the Moon is stored with Law­yers as this is, who if they want means of Contention, play the Seedsmen themselves; sowing the Seeds of Animosity and Discord among their peaceable Neigh­bours.

Our Westminster, adding all the Inns of Court and Chancery to it, makes but a meer St. Katherins-Hall, in comparison of the Inner-Temple of this Town.

Their Numbers do daily encrease; yet notwithstanding, it is the Opi­nion of the wisest Polititians of this Land; that they cannot continue long; for when they have eat up [Page 183] the whole Country, as they have almost done already; they must needs decline for want of Clyents, unless by the want of business to im­ploy themselves, they should fall out, and go to Law one with ano­ther; and by that means disperse abroad what they have Ravenous­ly claw'd together, among the Co­monalty again; and indeed, by this means, they may leave to their posterities, a prospect of more bu­siness, and better imployment, in suc­ceeding Times.

These Lawyers Footmen are cloath­ed in party-Coloured Liveries, Like the Knave of Clubs, to signify that their Masters are ready to take Fees on either side.

The Usurers afford them a con­siderable part of their imployment; but principally the violent Current of the River Fraud; which running among the Quirkney Isles, eateth away one piece of Land here, and [Page 184] casteth it up there; and afterwards washeth it away from thence, and layes it in a third place; changing its course now and then, and tak­ing away one mans whole Estate, gives it to another: And this is that which makes work for the Law­yers.

Nature has wrought a very strange work upon the Inhabitants of this Town; their Skins do na­turally attract Gold and Silver, with as powerful a strength as the Loadstone draweth Steel, and holds it as fast: If a piece of Gold touch but their hands, it sticks so close, that it is impossible with all your strength or force to unloose it from thence; a thing never seen else­where, and therefore the worthyer of Record.

Pawns-Brook is peopled with all sorts of Artificers; yet they open no Shops, but every one attends the Passenger at his own Door, with a [Page 185] What lack you Gentlemen? And then if he gets a Chapman, he leads him in, and shews him his Wares in private; one shall shew you a chain Crusted over with thin Plates of Gold; and swear, that India, nor Arabia did never afford purer Met­tal.

Another Cheats you with a coun­terfeit Musk Cod. A third with Pearls so dexterously adulterated, both for Weight, Fashion, Clear­ness, Smoothness and Bigness; that you cannot decern them from true ones; and there will he shew you the Shells wherein they grew. Here also you shall have your Lapida­ries, with Gems of all sorts, able to delude the most decerning Eye in the World: The Cyprian Dia­mond, the Sicilian Agate, the Indi­an Berrill, the Persian Eagle-Stone, the Affrican Chalcedon, the Sythian Smaradg, the German Corneil, the Ethiopian Chrysolite, and the Lybian [Page 186] Garbuncle; here they are all, and many more ready prepared by Art-Forgery.

Here are also Apothecaries in great abundance; and these do no­thing but Sophisticate Receipts with their quid pro quo, which would fill a Volume to make a discovery of their Deceits.

One thing I am both Amaz'd and Grieved at, they are never ta­ken in their Falcifications, be they never so Palpable; but they have this Prevention, they can change their Shapes, Voices, Trades, and Habits instantly, and so Cunning­ly, that he goes about to wash a Guiney-Negar white, that seeks for the man to day, that bubbled him yesterday.

There is a Famous School in the Suburbs, where Art-Spagirick is read to the Youth of this City; and here they have a Book which they esteem as Holy as the Turks [Page 187] their Alcaron; it is called the His­tory of Mercury, wherein is rela­ted, how he in his Infancy, stole Neptunes Trydent, Mars, his Sword, Phoebus his Bow and Arrows, Vu­lcans-Tongs, and Venus's Girdle; and how ingeniously he cheated Jove of his Thunder, being as then so young, that he must of necessity learn the Theory of this Art in his Mothers Belly: This Book con­teineth also, all instructions partain­ing to the said Science, whereby the Student is thoroughly furnished with all Expert and Methodical Rules, how to Pick Locks, how to draw Latches, how to Tread with­out noise, how to Angle in a Lock'd Chest, with a twine Thred, how to Nim the Cole and never touch the Purse, and how to forswear all without Blushing; and a thousand such Secrets.

One of these Practitioners was ingeniously over-reached by a Mer­chant [Page 188] Trading to this City, (no Foolianian I assure you) from whose Pockets some Forty Royals had disimbarked themselves at the pub­lick Exchange of this City: Well, our Merchant resolves to Fish for the Angler and to put his resolu­tion in practice, caus'd his Pockets to be lin'd with Fish-hooks, fastned with the points downwards, and coming upon Change next day, would often clap his hands on his Pockets; this Bait was a sign of care in him, and of purchase to the busie Eyes of the watchful diver, who observing when he was more busie and less careful, slides his hand gently into the Trap, which the Gentleman all this while observed, but took no seeming no­tice, till he found him sunk pretty deep; when giving a sudden half turn, my nimble Artist was as fast moared, as a Ship with two An­chors at head, who rather then [Page 189] view the face of Justice, disgorges the Royals very willingly, and (Re­ceiving two or three kicks on the Arss very thankfully) sneaks off.

There are in this Town more then a good many Inn-Keepers; these are Knaves Rampant. A Traveller dares not trust his Purse under his Pil­low, nor in an Iron Trunk; but must as the Jews did when Besieged, swal­low their Gold all the night, and rake for it in his Close-stool next Morn­ing, or it would be gon every scru­ple.

The Villages are only inhabited by Millers, Taylors and Hostlers; or according to the Antient Ortho­graphy Oatstealers, unless by chance you may meet with here and there a few straggling Gypsies.

Of the Province of Still-More: Or, Nunquam. Satis.

NOt far from Pick-Pocket-Angul, lyeth the Province of Still-More, Antiently called Nunquam Satis.

It is in the Hands of a Monstrous sort of Humane Creatures, such as you see depicted in the Emblems of Mondevill, with Heads like Hoggs.

They go alwayes on their hands and Knees, lest they should miss a­ny thing as they pass along the Streets, as is worth the taking up; their Voice is a kind of a grunt­ing.

None are allowed to dwell a­mongst them but Old Folks, their Youth if they be Valiant, they send into Booty-Forrest, or else to the Schools of Pick-Pocket-Angul.

[Page 191] They do eat earth as the Woolf does when he is to fight; and some of them eat nothing at all, but live upon the sight of Gold and Silver, and never sleep but with their eyes open.

They serve a God, whom they call Full-Chest, with all Supersti­ous Reverence; and they never go to their Rests till they have seen him, nor do they eat but in his presence.

In the heart of this Province is a vast and bottomless Lake, called the Gulph of Vsury; into which di­vers pleasant and famous Rivers, pay the last offerings of their Sil­ver Streams; though no Currant can possibly be observ'd to take its head from this Lake; It being sup­pos'd to have some subterranean passage, which they imagine breaks out at the foot of Executor Hill, in the Marquizate of Spendaleza.

[Page 192] On the Banks of this dead Sea, are seated several Considerable Ci­ties, whereof Extortington is the most formidable for a Garrison; it is under the Government of the Lord Covetuous Rack-rent.

The Citizens are unwilling to attempt any thing that is hazard­ous; yet when once they are In­gaged, will studdy a thousand In­triegues and Stratagems to preserve their interests.

This City was lately invaded, by the Valiant Mendico, Son to Tatterdemallion Duke of Ragland. The Reason of which Invasion was (as I am inform'd) That whereas the Inhabitants of this Province, were Obliged by certain Articles, to defend and protect the Tatter'd Offspring of the Duke of Rag­land: They have of late, not only withdrawn their assisting Auxilia­ries, but likewise committed many Outrages upon his Subjects, having [Page 193] lately Murdered one of his Antient and Dear Allies, called Hospitality, and sorely bruised another, called Charity, which Cruelty was com­mitted by Sir Lavish Lackwit, Son-in-Law to the Lord Covetous Rack­rent, by driving a Coach full of Ladies (with Six Horses) over them.

The aforesaid Mendico, with a mighty Army of Raglanders, ha­ving a Confedracy with, and Assis­tants of, two other Valiant Com­manders, drew up his forces against this City, and besieged it: These Assistants were Senior Gulletto, Mar­quess of Bowsington, with his Regi­ment of Journeymen-Shoomakers; and Count-Coucumber, with two Regi­ments, consisting of about 20000 Journeymen-Taylors, all Cloath'd, not as Adam with Figg-leaves, but what is more serviceable, Cabbage; there came also as Voluntiers, a Troop of Old Serving-men, and another of Younger-Brothers.

[Page 180] During this Siege, many Sallies, and Skirmishes happened, the Be­siegers for the most part being the greatest Losers, especially at that Resolute and Fatal Sally of Captain Tallymando, who with a Party of Foot, Consisting of Marshals-men, made great havock amongst them; so that what with the hardships of a long Siege, and being infeebled with dayly Losses, they were com­pell'd to quit their Stations, and leave the Citizens to their Antient Liberties, whilst the Recruitless Raglanders with their Weather-bea­ten Troops, drew off to their Win­ter Quarters: and 'tis thought Po­verty will hence-forward keep them in Peace.

Touching the other Cities of this Province, there is Swine-burrow, a filthy stinking Town; then there is Gatherington, Hoardsterdam, and Lock-ad-a-lid, all handsome Built things; but truly I could not come to View them [...] [Page 177] because every particular Citizen of all these places, hath a private Key to the Gates, to Lock at their going out, and their coming in; so that by this meanes they pre­vent the Access of all Strangers: Therefore expect no farther Ac­count of them, nor of any others, till farther discoveries are made, by a second Travel.