THE DIVELS LEGEND. OR: A Learned Cachephochysme containing the Confession of the Leaguers Fayth: Wherein Doctour Pantaloun, and Zanie his Pupill, doo teach that all hope ought to be grounded on the Puissant King Phillip of Spaine, and vpon all the happie Apostles of the holy League, and that they ought not to doo as the Brytans, English-men, and Protestants doo; which beleeue in God onely, harkening rather to the voyce of Iesus Christ, than vnto their holy Father the Pope.
Composed in Rome by the reuerend Father Iuuenall Borget, and sent vnto the Gentlemen of England by Charles Cyprian.
Translated according to the French Coppie.
Printed at London for Thomas Gosson, and are to be sold at his shop by London Bridge gate. 1595.
The Diuels Legend. Or A learned Cakephochysme, containing the confession of the Leaguers faith: handled betvveene Docter Pantaloun, and Zanie his pupell.
ZAny finding in my selfe an immoderate care of thy poore soule, which like a foolish birde couets to flye into Hell ere her pinnions haue strength to beare her from her necks breaking, and seeing thou desistest from blessing thy forehead with thy right hands crossing, as if the signe of the Crucifix were a bug-beare to scarre away thy blessings, and that thou abiurest the touche of holy water, forgetst thy praiers, and hast lost the memorable vse of thy Beads, which like the check of a clock kept time to thy tongues bable: [Page] I would faine know since all the memorable: seruice of thy auntient diuinitie is forgotten, in what new diuell now of late thou reposest thy new beleeuings.
My good Maister, my Tutor, or the fountaine from whence I haue begotten mine instruction, be not ignorant, that earlie in the morning after I haue religiouslie cald vpon the great Creator of good cheere, and with infinite Aues saluted the crimson virgin of the darke celler, and with the helpe of their two dieties, filled the emptinesse of my seldome satisfied belly: I then repose all my faith, build the groundworke of my hope, and plant the mightie mountaine of my charitie in the holy (O lie) league, conioyned with her happie Apostle, scorning to imitate the king-counterfaiting Hugonites, which beleeue onely in God and none other.
I pray thee my good disciple, tell me what beast is that which thou callest the holy league, and what creatures are those which thou baptisest her Apostels?
What beast in the Deuils name? of my honesty [Page] Tutor I smile at the simplenesse of thy question: why it is the beast of all beasts: that which makes the best the most beastliest, and the most beastliest best in a beastly censure; it is the desire of lust, idlenesse inuention, and the best bloome in ambitious spring: to wit, she is a faire whore violated by adulterous princes, confest & absolued by false Priests, and vncontionably bribde by ignorant people; as for her Apostles, they are as Pope Sextus a better spaniard than a Gospeller, truer to the one, than religious to the other, though honest to neither: the father and the Sonne, without the Holy ghost, (for he like the vocatiue case, is wanting in all their substantiues) which is to be vnderstood the father of Spaine, the sonne of Sauoy, and insteed of the Holy-ghost, the grand diuell of Loraine.
Recite to me then my good scholler, all the articles of thy Creede, grounded and made by those Apostles, to the end that we may not onely heleeue, but the world may be wise in assured knowledge, that thou art become a great Doctor in the Spanish Macharon, or the diuels golden Legend.
Tutor I will: First I beleeue in the most great, mightie, and saint murthering king of Spaine: the creator of the new land, as much of the arche dominator or superintendant of the poore Hugonites, [Page] asmuch of the Turkes great maister of France: as much as of England, Emperour or monarche: not fully so much of the world, as of the filthe and vncleannesse in the world: I beleeue in his sonne and in his daughter, his children and their children: I beleeue in that great, faire, well cut, and better combed beard the Duke of Tienops and of Sauoy, who by his rare and vnsearcheable vertue, is ascended vp into the signe Gemini, together with the infant, passing many times by the wanton horned signe Capricornus: I beleeue in the great Messias or Saluator the Duke of Parma, that he is dead, buried, and descended into hell: I beleeue in the great, grosse, gray, and goodly head of the Duke De Mains which stands in more need of philosophy, than beggars of almes: and to be briefe, for tediousnesse is laborsome, I beleeue in the holy church of Lorraine, asmuch Apostolike as Christian, and to neither of both any thing at all allyed.
Into how many articles is this Creede or symbole deuided, and which be they.
Into twelue, and these they are: Ambition, Enuy. Hypocrisie, Tyrannie, Slaunder, Flatterie, Treason, Sedition, Ignorance, Malice, Rashnesse, and Rebellion, and these my deare maister are the degrees or ladders steps, whereby all true catholiques must be [Page] receiued into the church of the league or Spanish Synagogue.
But what is the intentiue meaning of these holy happy Apostles of the league, and what is the end of their so much admired excellencies.
The intention is most good, because in the seeming procreation of their acts they immitate God himselfe, foreuen as he created all things for his owne glorie, so bring they forth all their factions, for their owne triumphes, only this difference, his is admired and reuerenced of all soules, theirs wondered at and hated of all what euer hath feeling of christianitie.
But how gallop they or post they forwarde in this so meritorious or blessed worke, or how sweat they in the ferueneie of this holy action.
Euen so and in such manner as the three Sages which Pilgrim-like trauaild from the Orient, faining to worship Christ, and plant him in too long forsaken France, bringing with them three presents, [Page] Warre, Pestilence, and Famine, whilst the Loade-starre to their trauaile, is hypocrisie and presumption.
But what fruite or profit shall redownd to this endlesse webbe of their continuall working?
If they sowe Iuorie, they shall reape thornes, if they beget a monster, they shall bring forth a Chymera, if by their factious troubles they confound sweetnesse in the beginning, by the residence of their euill, they shall finde bitternesse in the ending.
How shall then my gallant pupill this thy holy league finde an end from the eternitie of her labor?
O my good maister, she must first charitablie visite her deare holy father Lucifer, and her mother Proserpina, and all her worme eaten progenitors of Lorraine, for sooner shall she purchase a fee simple in any of their regions, than haue an estate for terme of life in the consines of vnhappie France.
A nevv pleasant and delightfull Astrologie, inuented by reuerend Maister Harlequin the royall Astrologer, calculated for the Leaguers Merydian.
The first error is in the twelue signes.
THE Leaguers haue brought into Fraunce so manye rauenous Woolues, that the poore signe of Mutton is for euer banisht their Zodiack, they haue instald so many Cod-peeces in their Cathedrals, that the pure signe of the Virgine is as rare to be seene, as thunder in winter, or a million of black Swans in a fishpond, and they haue made such a tole-free open passage, vnto whole armies of disordered [Page] persons that are boundlesse in their villanie, that the signe of Lybra, or the equall poysing ballance is cassierd as vnprofitable amongst them, but it is most true, and too true, that they haue eleuated in their Horrizon, and instald in triumphant credit, the great Taurus or bulbegger of Lorraine, with a multitude of Caprycornians and Sagitarians, which bend all their hornes and hooues against Burbon, but I may prophesie vnto them that they haue not found Saint Sebastian which patiently indured the Darts which were shot into him.
The second error is in the Planets.
AGaine, these Leagwers showe themselues more Dogs than Doctors, that in stead of following the other Planets which acknowledge the Sunne as their common Prince, or principall substance of their borrowed splendor, yet will they that Mercury of Britaine, and Venus his wife, and all such wandring starres like themselues, shall bend their borrowed bonfiers against the true sonne of Fraunce, which notwithstanding of his owne beneuolence▪ hath giuen them the little glimmering brightnesse which they haue, and which is worse than the worste of all, after that they hauing lost the true naturall heate of that glorious sunne, they searche the coldenesse of the Satournian Spaniard, both frostie in goodnesse, dried by with couetousnesse, and as melanchollyas ambition can make him.
The third error is in the Climates.
NOw these Rabins or seemeing (though altogether vnsound) Doctors, pretending deepe insight into Milstone Astrologie, seeking to set fire vpon the house of Burbon, and stuffe her walles with strange vermin or monstrous creatures, haue whispered in the Spaniards eares like the downe-falling of a water to a thundring Myll, and with that secret prattle haue made him beleeue that Fraunce is colder than Spaine, and more temperate for the diuels dwelling: in such sort that the Spanish Marrans couetous of the purest ayre, bring their intemperance into our clymate, but they are mightily deceiued in the foolishnesse of their opinions, for that often times and most commonly, those which soiourne and dwell in their countrie of Spaine, notwithstanding it is much whotter, yet doe they liue longer than they which come into Fraunce, Flaunders, or England.
The fourth error is in the distinction of times.
THese monstrous lyers, the Serpents Schollers, make also the poore deceiued people of the League beleeue, that the times or seasons are much differing one from the other, and that in some they must vse purgations, in others costicke medicines, and in some neither of both; as in the canicular, or dogge dayes: but if you will beleeue me (gentle readers) the fooles of Parris stand in no neede of purgations, neither yet of the new dyet, either by emptinesse to ease their bellyes, or by sparenesse of repast, to keepe their sheetes cleanly: the Spaniards also for the most part, and principally those which come into Fraunce, feare hell ten times more than the Dogge dayes. When they say that such a season shall be windie, such a time raine, and such a day faire pleasant weather, all that serueth to nothing, or to no purpose, for the foole antidated before in mine Astrologie, which behoulding the conuersion, feare neither winde, raine, nor faire weather, (God be thanked) for if they chaunce to be dabled a little with walking vp and downe the towne, the day shall come I hope, when they shall be duckt ouerhead and eares, or els vtterly drowned.
The fifth error is in the Ecclypses.
THese logger-head learned Leaguers, make certaine distinctions of the Moone ecclipsed and not ecclipsed; but I that am not ignorant but know very well, that the Moone hath no power to gaze vpon the Sunnes forehead, nor to giue aime to his brightnesse, holde this for a certaine actiome, that she shall alwaies be ecclypsed, and that euery one of them cannot be but ecclipsed in true duties or indeuours, and walke in the darke like boyes at hood-man blinde; which is the cause that diuers of them doe fall, and if they scape breaking their necks, yet they loose themselues, altogether hopelesse for euer recouering one minute of day light, or any iotte of succour at their great Messias the Duke of Parma.
The sixth error, is in the marks, or notes.
THey propose and carrie before them the golden number, but yet in despight of all the promises of the huge King of Castile, I am assured that in the end the poore Parysyans will finde it, but a beggars reckoning; it is very true, that the women shall haue two dominicall letters, so much the greater, by how much the greater they are inamoured with the greatest Alphabet, to wit, great O. and great Q. And when you would know the yeare of the holy Barracados of Parris, or rather if you will the day when the Guysards fighteth only with their balafte, you shall need but to make your honest repaire to me your assured friend Harlequin who knowes not onely the moouing of the elements, but the secret working of euery starre in the heauens.
The seauenth error is in the disposition and course of the yeare.
THese Leaguers make the yeares to be twelue moneths, but the Parrysyans which haue watcht so many nights, and stood so many howers Sentinels on the walks, shall not be paide for sixe moneths; they make sixe daies in the week, alwaies banishing Sunday as an idle note in the Callender: but for Friday and Saturday, they are alwaies more villanouslie sharpeset, and know farre worsse tyrants in the Spanish armie than in the Kings regiment; they make the day foure and twentie howers in length, but the poore hungrie Parrisians that haue neither dinde, supt nor can get a breakefast, sweare the clockes lye, for it cannot be lesse then eight and fortie.
The eighth error, is in the prediction of all that shall happen vnto the Leaguers from their conception, vntill their descending into Hell.
THe godly and blessed Merdologians, or rather Fortune-tellers, make the Asse head abused Leaguers beleeue, that they are borne vnder the signe of the Lion, and so consequently through that influence, they shall all prooue renowned warriours; but I discent from their iudgements, for I beleeue that they shall all rather be borne vnder the Crabbe, or demi Creuisse; learning to goe more backwarde than euer they wente forward, and for their education, they shall vndoubtedly be brought vpp vnder the signe of Aquarius, because at their birthes Wine was banisht for inflaming the liuer: and I holde it certaine in rules of their Natiuitie, that there shall be many Gramarians and Musitians amongst them, who shall decline so much, and diminish so mightily, that beggerie and scorne shall be all their companions, and in the end they shall dye vnder the Spanish Scorpion, if sodainly before their times they be not annointed with the iuyce of Hempseede, to mend their falling euils.
The ninth error, is in the humor that shall rule amongst them.
NOw to giue them audatious bouldnesse, and to incourage them in their foolish and damned rash aduentures, these Astrologians do promise them, that the humor of Iupiter shall haue influence and rule in their natiuities, but I, euen I noble Harlequin, by the aforesaid predictions, speculations and coniectures, do conclude, that the melancholie humor shall be predominant and maister ouer them, which shall make them so phantasticall and madde in their braines drunkennesse, that diuers of them shall dreame in the night, that they are already mounted vpon the deuils wings, into the third heauen, and when they awake, they shall finde themselues accompanied with shame and discredite, the very monsters of the world, hauing no sore but the earths barrennesse: others shall dreame of certaine prises of Come and Wine, and forfeit the deare prises of their soule, selling their bodies to hell & eternall damnation▪ others, (and of them shall be an infinite number) shall dreame that they are Kings, and princely Gouernours of Realmes and Principallities, but when they awake, they shall finde themselues the thridbare gouernours, fathers, and nourishers of fleas, Lice, and all manner of fleshly persecuters.
The tenth error is in the length of the Leaguers world.
DIuision is the mother of destruction: and vnion the first bringer forth of conseruation or prosperitie: whence it springs that the Astrologians belonging to the League, conclude in their vnion a perpetuitie, but I arguing both in forme and figure, prooue the flat contrarie, for say I, they shall be so vnited in will, that looke what the one would haue, the other would be glad to cut his throate so he might attaine it: and during the time of their disputation, who shall first sit downe and take the chiefe place at the table: I noble Harlequin a passing good Burbonian, will like an Vniuersitie lurcher, licke all the fatte from their trenchers.
Beleeue as yee list.