The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. — Scoggin's jests. Part 1.

The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. — Scoggin's jests. Part 1.

Table of contents

Title page

The Prologue.

A Table of the merry Ieſts and witty ſhifts of Scogin.

What ſhift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made to fare well in Lent.

What ſhift Scogin and his fellow made, when they lacked money.

How Scogin deceiued the Skinner.

How Iacke by playing of the Whiting, got his dinner.

How Iacke made his Maſter pay a penny for the herring bones.

How Iack by ſophiſtry would make of two egges three.

How a Husband-man put his ſonne to Schoole with Scogin.

How Scogin and his ſcholler went to ſeek his horſe

How Scogins ſcholler tooke orders.

How the ſcholler ſaid, Tom Miller of Oſney, was Iacobs Father.

How Scogins ſcholler was made Prieſt.

What talke this wiſe Prieſt and his Father had as they rode home.

How the Prieſt excuſed himſelfe, becauſe he did not preach?

How the Prieſt fell aſleepe as he was at Maſſe.

How the Prieſt ſaid, Requiem aeternam on Eaſter day.

How the Prieſt ſaid, Deus qui viginti filij tui, when he ſhould haue ſaid, Deus qui vnigeniti.

How the Prieſt was complained on for keeping a yong wench in his houſe.

How the Parſon ſaid, Anupſimus quaeſimus domine.

How Scogin told the hunter he had found a Hare.

How Scogin told his fellowes he knew where was a Pickerell.

How Scogin ſold powder to kill fleas?

How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth.

How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him go to it.

How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him find his horſe.

Scogin was robbed as he went to London.

Scogin told his wife he had parbraked a Crow.

How Scogin cauſed his wife to be let blood.

How Scogin and his wife made an Heire.

How Scogin got the Abbots horſe.

How Scogin brought a dogs turd made in powder to the Apothecaries, to know what powder it was.

How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawers tooth.

How Scogin ſerued the poore folkes that came to his houſe to aske almes.

How Scogin came to the Court like a foole, and wonne twenty pounds with ſtanding vnder a ſpout in the raine.

How Scogin leapt ouer the Tables when dinner was done.

How Scogin gaue one a Gooſe legge, that was giuen him, and afterward told him he had eaten an hundred lice.

How Scogin ſwept a Lords Chamber.

How Scogin told thoſe that mocked him, that he• had a wall eye.

How Scogin drew his ſonne vp and downe the Court.

How Scogin greaſed a fat ſow on the arſe.

How the King gaue Scogin a houſe to doe what he would with it.

How Scogin played horſe play in the Q. chamber.

How Scogin let a fart, and ſayd it was worth forty pounds.

How Scogin asked of the King fiue hundred okes.

How Scogin would haue made a ſhepheard aske him bleſſing.

How Scogin gaue a Cowheard forty ſhillings to teach him his cunning in the weather.

How a man told Scogin, that he thought the building of Paules coſt forty ſhillings.

Of him that thought Paules ſteeple had beene ſo high, that one might looke ouer it.

How Scogin deſired the King that hee might ſay, Aue Maria gratia plena, Dominus tecum, in his eare at certaine times.

How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to Church.

How Scogin deſired of the Queene to know whether riches would not tempt men, and eſpecially women.

How Scogin when he ſhould haue beene beaten amongſt the Ladies and Gentlemomen, bad the ſtrongeſt whore of them all giue the firſt ſtroke.

How Scogins wife came to the Queene, and how Scogin was baniſhed the Court.

How Scogin in the French Kings Court, came to a Gentlewomans doore, and whined like a dog.

How Scogin told the French men he would flye into England.

How Scogin prayed to a Roode for an hundred French Crownes.

How Scogin was new chriſtened, and confirmed a knaue by the French Biſhop.

How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Phyſicke.

How Scogin and three or foure more deceiued Tapſter.

How Scogin deceiued the Poulters wife.

How Scogin deceiued the Draper.

How Scogin told a ſhoe-maker hee was not at home.

How the aforeſaid ſhoo-maker gaue Scogin forty ſhillings to haue his houſe made greater.

How the ſhomaker would haue made his houſe greater, and brake downe the one ſide of it.

How Scogin told the French King that hee could not doe two things at once.

How the French King had Scogin into his houſe of office, and ſhewed him the King of Englands picture.

How Scogin put French earth into his ſhooes, and came into England.

How Scogin came to Cambridge, and how hee deceiued the poore folkes.

How Scogin rode to New-caſtle with Maſter Euerid, and what talke hee had with a fellow that kept Oxen.

What ſhift Scogin made for bootes, and how hee deceiued two ſhoo-makers.

How Scogin ouertooke a Prieſt and kept company with him, and how he and the Prieſt prayed for money.

How Scogin came to the Court like a monſtrous beaſt, and ſhould haue been hanged.

How Scogin asked the King and Queene forgiueneſſe.

How Scogin told the Queene what a great ſtud• he was in.

How diuers Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogins houſe to make merry.

How Scogin fell ſicke of a perillous cough.

How Scogin was ſhriuen and hoſted.

How Scogin deſired that hee might bee buried at the Eaſt ſide of Weſtminſter.

What Scogin ſaid when the holy Candle was pu• in his hand.

[Page]The merry Ieſts, and witty ſhifts of Scogin.

§

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[Page] THE Firſt and beſt Part OF Scoggins Ieſts: Full of witty mirth and pleaſant ſhifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preſeruatiue againſt melancholy.

Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Phyſicke.

LONDON, Printed for Francis Williams. 1626.

The Prologue.

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THere is nothing beſide the goodneſſe of God, that preſerue health ſo much, as honeſt mirth, especially mirth vſed at dinner and ſupper, and mirth toward bed, as it doth plainly appeare in the Directions for health: Therefore conſidering this matter, that mirth is ſo neceſſary a thing for man, I publiſhed this Booke, named, The Ieſts of Scogin, to make men merrie: for amongſt diuers other Bookes of graue matters that I haue made, my delight hath beene to recreate my mind in making ſomething merrie. Wherefore I doe aduertiſe euery man in auoiding penſiueneſſe, or too much ſtudy or melancholie, to be merrie with honeſty in God, and for God, whom I humbly beſeech to ſend vs the mirth of Heauen, Amen.

I Haue heard ſay, that Scogin did come of an honeſt ſtocke or kindred, and his friends did ſet him to ſchoole at Oxford, where hee did continue vntill the time he was made Maſter of Art, where he made this Ieſt:

A Maſter of Art is not worth a fart,

Except he be in Schooles,

A Batchelor of Law is not worth aſtraw,

Except he be among fooles.

A Table of the merry Ieſts and witty ſhifts of Scogin.

[Page]

VVHat ſhift Scogin & his chamberfellow made to fare well in Lent. 5

What ſhift Scogin made, when he lacked money. 5

How Scogin deceiued the skinner. 6

How Iack got his dinner. 8

How Iack made his maſterpay a penny for her ring bones. 9

How Iacke made of two egges three. 10

How a husbandmā put his ſon to ſchoole with Scogin. 10

How Scogin & his ſcholler wēt to ſeeke his horſe. 11

Scogins ſcholler took orders 12

The ſcholler ſaid, Tom Miller of Oſney was Iacobs father 14

Scogins ſcholier made prieſt 16

How the Prieſt excuſed himſelfe for not preaching. 17

How the Prieſt fell aſleepe at Maſſe. 20

How the Prieſt ſaid Requiem eternam on Eaſter day. 20

How the Prieſt ſaid, Deus qui gint i filij tui. 21

How the prieſt was accuſed for keeping a wench. 23

How the parſon ſaid, Anupſimus queſimus Domine. 24

How Scogin told the hunter he had found a hare. 25

How Scogin told his fellows of a Pickerell. 26

[...]

How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth. 28

How Scogin gaue a medicine to make one goe to it. 29

How Scogin gaue one a medicine to find his horſe. 30

How Scogin was robbed. 30

Scogin parbraked a Crow. 31

How Sogin cauſed his wife to be let blood. 33

How Scogin and his wife made an heire. 34

How Scogin got the Abbots horſe. 36

How Scogin broght a dogs [...]urd to know what powder it was. 36

How Scogin did draw a Tooth-drawers tooth. 37

How Scogin did ſerue the poore folkes. 39

How Scogin came to the court, and won 20 pound. 40

How he leapt ouer the Tables. 44

How Scogin gaue one a gooſe leg. 45

Scogin was deſired to ſweepe a Lords chamber. 45

How Scogin ſaid he had a wall eye. 45

How Scogin drew his ſon vp & downe the Court. 46

How Scogin greaſed a fat low. 47

How the King gaue Scogin a [...]

[Page] How Scogin played horſe play. 49

How Scogin let a fart, and ſaid it was worth forty pounds. 50

How Scogin beg'd 500 Okes. 51

How Scogin wold make a ſhepheard aske bleſſing. 51

How a Cowheard taught him his cunning in the weather. 53

How a man told Scogin hee thought the building of Pauls coſt forty ſhillings. 54

Of him that thought Paules ſteeple ſo high, that none might looke ouer it. 55

How Scogin deſired to ſay, Aue Maria in the Kings eare. 55

How Scogin chalked his wife the way to Church. 56

How Scogin deſired the Queen to know whether riches would not tempt women. 57

How Scogin eſcaped beating 58

How Sogins wife came to the Queene. 59

How Scogin whined like a dog. 62

How Scogin would flye into England. 63

How Scogin prayed for an 100 French Crownes. 64

How Scogin was new chriſtened. 65

How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Phyſicke. 66

And a Tapſter. 68

[...]

And the Draper. 72

How Scogin told a ſhoomaker he was not at home. 75

How the ſhoomaker gaue Scogin forty ſhil'ing to haue his houſe made greater. 75

How Scogin could not doe two things at once. 77

How the French King ſhewed Scogin the King of Englands picture. 78

How Scogin put french earth into his ſhooes. 78

How Scogin deceiued the poore folkes. 79

How Scogin talked with a fellow that kept Oxen. 80

What ſhift Scogin made for boots. 81

How Scogin & the prieſt prayed for money. 82

How Scogin came to court like a monſtrous beaſt. 85

How Scogin asked the King & Queene forgiueneſſe. 87

How Scogin told the Queene what a great ſtudy he was in 88

How diuers Gentlemen came to Scogins houſe to make merry. 89

How Scogin fell ſicke. 90

How Scogin was ſhriuen. 91

Where Scogin deſired to be buried. 91

What Scogin ſaid when he took [...]

What ſhift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made to fare well in Lent.

ON a time in Lent Scogin conſulted with a Chamber-fellow of his, a Collegioner, & ſaid, How ſhall we do to fare well this Lent? The ſcholler replyed, I cannot tell, for I lacke mony. Nay ſaid Scogin, if you will be ruled by me, we will fare well. The ſcholler anſwered, I will do as you ſhall counſel me. Then Scogin ſaid, faine your ſelfe ſicke, & goe to bed, grone and cry out for helpe, and call for me to come vnto you, which was done; and when Scogin came to his chamber-fellow he fained himſelfe ſore ſicke. Scogin asked how he did? I am ſo ſicke quoth he, that I thinke I ſhal die, then ſaid Scogin, bee of good comfort, I ſée no perill of death in you: O ſir, ſaid the ſcholler, you doe not féele the paines that I féele. I pray you ſir, as my truſt is in you, kéepe mée, and go not from m, vntill I am amended, for euery Lent is vnto me very euill, vnleſſe that I haue ſome good cheriſhing; as you ſée this little ſickneſſe hath made mée ſo faint and weak, that I cannot ſtand on my legges, and I feare I ſhall pine away: not ſo, ſaid Scogin, be of good [Page] chéere, and pull vp your heart, here be of your fellowes, which will take the paines to goe to the Eowcers of your place, to entreat them to take care of you. When it was known in the Colledge that Scogins chamber-fellow was ſo ſore ſicke, ſome were afraid that it had been the peſtilence, or elſe ſome other infectious ſickneſſe: wherefore Scogin was put in truſt both for the keeping, and to doe other neceſſary things for his chamber-fellow, and had euery night the keyes of the Bowcery and Buttery deliuered, whereby he prouided for bread & drinke, good ſalt Eeles, ſalt Salmon, & other ſalt fiſhes, ſo they did lack no good cheere, beſides freſh fiſh which came out of the Kitchin.

This done, the fellowes of the place would that the patients urine ſhould be had to the Phyſician, to know what manner of ſickneſſe the Patient had. Scogin then being afraid that the Phyſitian wold now know that his fellow was not ſicke, ſaid to him, we ſhal be both ſhamed and ſh [...]nt, except thou wilt ſuffer me to burne thy lips and ſinge thy noſe with a candle, and then let me alone with the Phyſitian, for I muſt haue your water to him Scogin did burne his chamberſellowes noſe & lips, and had his water to the Phyſitian. The Phyſitian ſaid, he that doth owe this water or vrine, is a whole man. Nay, ſaid Scogin, that is not ſo, the man is a ſore ſicke man, & doth breake out about the lips and noſe. Ah ſaid ſhe Phyſitian, a water or vrine is but a ſtrumpet, [Page] a man may be deceiued in a water: and if he be as you doe ſay, (ſaid the Phyſician to Scogin) then hath he a great heat in the liuer, & in the ſtomacke Yea ſir, ſaid Scogin hée doth complaine of his ſtomacke. Then ſaid the Phyſician, you ſhall haue a bill of the Apothecarie, and let him take ſuch medicines as ſhall be there made: Sir, ſaid Scogin, it is but a poore ſcholler, and he hath little to ſpend. Then ſaid the Phyſitian, for your ſake it ſhall be but a groat matter: which when he had bought, and brought home, he caſt the medicine into the fire, ſaying to his fellow, I haue deceiued the Phyſician, and now let vs make merry, and fill all the pots in the houſe After this Scogin ſhewed the Bowcers and the fellowes, how he was with the Phyſician, and that he had ſent the patient medicines: but for all that, Scoggin ſaid that the Phyſician cannot tell as yet vnto what infirmity this matter will turne: but ſaid Scogin, I feare much the peſtilence, which he ſaid, becauſe none ſhould viſit the patient: this continued vntill that Lent was done, & on maundie Thurſday, Scogin ſaid to his chamberfellow, we wil make our maundy, and eate & drink with aduantage: be it ſaid the ſcholler. On Maundy thurſday at night they made ſuch chéere, that the ſcholler was drunke. Scogin then pulled off all the ſchollers clothes, and laid him ſtark naked on the ruſhes, and ſet a forme ouer him, and ſpread a couerlet ouer it, and ſet vp two fallow candles [Page] in candleſticks ouer him, one at his head, the other at his feet, and ran from chamber to chamber, and told the fellowes of the place that his chamberfellow was dead; and they asked of Scogin if he died of the peſtilence. Scogin ſaid no, I pray you go vp and pray for his ſoule, and ſo they did. And when the ſcholler had ſlept his firſt ſleepe, he began to turne himſelfe, and caſt downe the forme and the candles. The fellowes of the houſe ſeeing that Scogin did run firſt out of the chamber, they and all that were in the chamber (one running and tumbling downe on anothers neck) were afraid. The ſcholler ſeeing them run ſo faſt out of the chamber, followed them ſtarke naked; and the fellowes ſeeing him runne after them like a ghoſt, ſome ran into their chambers, and ſome ran into one corner, and ſome into another, Scogin ran into the chamber, to ſee that the candles ſhould doe no harme, and at laſt fetcht vp his chamberfellow, which ran about naked like a mad man, and brought him to bed, for which matter Scogin had rebuke.

What ſhift Scogin and his fellow made, when they lacked money.

AFter this, Scogin and his chamber-fellow lacked money, and Scogin ſaid, if thou wilt be ruled after me, we will goe to Tame market, where we ſhall ouertake going or comming ſome that driue ſhéepe, now doe as I ſhall tell thee, [Page] and we will get ſome money: and as they went to Tame, they did ſée a man driue ſheepe. Then Scogin ſaid to his fellow, goe thou before, and make bargaine with him, that the ſheepe bee no ſhéepe, but Hogs, and when that thou haſt made a full bargaine, aſke by whom the matter ſhall be tried, and ſay thou, by him that ſhall next ouertake vs. The ſcholler did ouertake him that droue the ſheepe, and ſaid, Well ouertaken my friend, from whence haſt thou brought theſe faire hogs? Hogs quoth the fellow, they be ſheepe: ſaid the ſcholler, you begin to ieſt. Nay, ſir, ſaid the fellow, I ſpeake in good earneſt. Art thou in earneſt, ſaid the ſcholler? Thou wilt lay no wager with me to the contrary. Yes by the boke of a pudding, I will lay all the money in my purſe. How much is that, ſaid the ſcholler? The fellow ſaid, I haue two ſhillings. Two ſhillings, ſaid the ſcholler, that is nothing, wilt thou lay halfe thy hogs, and two ſhillings, and I will lay as much againſt it? ſtrike hands, and he that loſeth ſhall pay. Be it, ſayd the fellow. Now ſaid the Scholler, by whom ſhall we be tryed? the fellow ſaid, we ſhal be tried in the towne of Tame. Nay, ſaid the ſcholler, Tame is out of my way, let vs bee tried by him that ſhall next ouertake vs. Be it, ſaid the fellow: by and by Scogin did ouertake them, ſaying, well ouertaken good fellowes. Welcome maſter, ſaid the ſcholler and the fellow. Maſter, ſaid the fellow here is a ſcholler of Oxford hath made a bargaine [Page] with me of two ſhillings and the price of halfe my Shéep, that they be hogs that I doe driue before me. Scogin did ſet vp a laughing, ſaying, Alacke good fellow, doſt thou thinke theſe be ſheepe? yea ſir, ſaid the fellow. Alacke good fellow, thou haſt loſt thy bargaine, ſaid Scogin, for they bee faire Hogs. Then ſaid the Scholler, giue me my mony, and diuide theſe Hogs, for I muſt haue halfe of them. Alacke, ſaid the fellow, I bought theſe for ſheepe, and not for hogs, I am vndone. Nay, ſaid Scogin, I will be indifferent betweene you both, let the Scholler haue the two ſhillings, and take thou the hogs away with thée. The fellow ſaid, bleſſed be the time that euer you were borne: hold Scholler, there is two ſhillings. The fellow was glad he loſt not his hogs, which were ſhéepe.

How Scogin deceiued the Skinner.

VVHen Scogin had broght to Oxford ſuch things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniuer furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and ſaid vnto him. It is ſo that I muſt procéed Maſter of Art at the next Act, and I haue beſtowed my money at London, and now I haue néed of furres, (as you know) wherefore if I ſhall haue of you as much as ſhall ſerue me, I will content you with thankes. Then ſaid the Alderman, make your [Page] gownes and your hood, and ſend them to me, and they ſhall be furred as other Maſters be. Then ſaid Scogin you ſhal haue them within theſe two dayes, and then I pray you make me a bill what I ſhall pay for euery thing. It ſhall bee done ſaid the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, & ſaid to the Alderman, I pray you let me ſée my charge: the bill was brought forth and the ſum did riſe to ſixe pound and odde money. The Alderman ſaid, when ſhall I haue my money? Scogin anſwered, within theſe ſeuen weeks, or elſe the next time that you and I doe méet after the ſaid terme ſet. The terme of time paſſed ouer, and the Alderman ſent for his money. Scogin ſaid to the meſſenger, haue me commended to Maſter Alderman, and tell him when he & I doe meet, I wil cōtent him according to my promiſe: ſo on a time Scogin went to Korfax, and he eſpied the Alderman, and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to ouertake him and ſaid vnto him, Sir, you ſaid that you would pay me my money within ſeuen weekes, or elſe any time after that we did meet together. It is true, ſaid Scogin, my day is expired, but my promiſe is not broken: no, ſaid the Olderman, ſo that you pay me my money now. Now ſaid Scogin, nay not ſo, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but ouertake me, and when we doe meet, you ſhall haue your money: but if I can, ſaid [Page] Scogin, I will not méet you this ſeuen yeeres, if I can goe backward. Wherfore a plaine bargain is beſt, and in bargaines making, faſt bind, faſt find.

How Iacke by playing of the Whiting, got his dinner.

VVHen the ſickneſſe was at Oxford, on a time Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lye at S. Barthelmewes by Oxford, and hee had a poore ſcholler to dreſſe his meat: On a Friday he ſaid to his ſcholler, Jacke, here is two pence, goe to the market and buy mee thrée whitings, the which his ſcholler did: & when hee was come home, Scogin ſaid, Jacke, goe ſéeth me a whiting to my dinner: Jack heard him ſay ſo, and deferred the time, thinking hee ſhould fare ill when that his maſter had but a whiting to dinner. At laſt Scogin ſaid; doth the fiſh play? Jack ſaid, would you haue one play without a fellow? Scogin ſaid, Jacke thou ſaiſt truth: put another whiting into the pan. Then Jacke prepared his fiſh to ſeeth them: then Scogin ſaid, Jacke, doth the fiſh play now? Jack ſaid, I trow they be mad or elſe wood, for one doth fight with the other, that I haue much adoe to keepe them in the pan. Then ſaid Scogin, put the other whiting betwixt them to breake the ſtrife. Jacke was then glad, thinking he ſhould get ſomewhat to dinner, and ſod the fiſh, and had his part.

How Iacke made his Maſter pay a penny for the herring bones.

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ON a time Scogin did ſend Jacke to Oxford to market, to buy a penny worth of freſh herring. Scogin ſaid, bring foure herrings for a penny, or elſe bring none. Jack could not get four herrings, but three for his penny; and when he came home, Scogin ſaid, how many herrings haſt thou brought? and Jacke ſaid, thrée herrings, for I could not get foure for a penny. Scogin ſaid, he would none of them: ſir, ſaid Jacke, then will I, and here is your penny againe. When dinner time was come, then Jack did ſet bread and butter before his Maſter, and roſted his herrings, and ſate downe at the lower end of the table, and did eate the herrings. Scogin ſaid, let mee haue one of thy herrings, and thou ſhalt haue another of mee another time. Jacte ſaid, and if you will haue one herring, it ſhall coſt you a penny. What ſaid Scogin, thou wilt not take it on thy conſcience: Jacke ſaid, my conſcience is ſuch, that you get not a morſell here, except I haue my penny again. Thus contending together, Jack had made an end of his herrings: A Maſter of Art of Oxford, one of Scogins fellowes, did come to ſée Scogin, and when Scogin had eſpied him, hee ſaid to Jack, ſet vp the bones of the herrings before me; ſir, ſaid Jacke, they ſhall coſt you a penny. Then ſaid Scogin, what whorſō wilt thou ſhame me? no ſir, ſaid Jack, giue me my penny again, & you ſhal [Page] haue vp the bones, or elſe I will tell all. Scogin then caſt down a penny to Jack, & Jack brought vp to Scogin the herring bones: and by this time the Maſter of Art did come in to Scogin, & Scogin had him welcome, ſaying, if you had come ſooner, you ſhould haue had freſh herrings to dinner.

How Iack by ſophiſtry would make of two egges three.

SCogin on a time had two egs to his breakefaſt, and Jack his choller ſhould roſt them, and as they were roſting, Scogin went to the fire, to warme him, and as the egs were roſting, Jacke ſaid, ſir, I can by ſophiſtry proue that here be three Egs. Let me ſée that, ſaid Scogin, I ſhall tel you ſir, ſaid Jacke: Is not here one? Yes, ſaid Scogin. And is not here two, ſaid Jack? Yea, ſaid Scogin, of that I am ſure. Then Jacke did tell the firſt egge againe, ſaying, is not this the third? O ſaid Scogin, Jack thou art a good ſophiſter Wel, ſaid Scogin, theſe two egs ſhal ſerue me for my breakfaſt, and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that thou didſt giue mee the laſt day. So one good turne doth aſke another, and to deceiue him that goeth about to deceiue, is no deceit.

How a Husband-man put his ſonne to Schoole with Scogin.

THere was a Husbandman beſide. Oxford, and he would faine haue his ſon to goe to Schoole [Page] with maſter Scogin, and that Scogin ſhould help to make him a Prieſt, and to obtaine Scogins fauour and good will the huſbandman gaue Scogin a horſe. Scogin was pleaſed, ſo that he would pay for his ſonnes boord. The huſbandman was contented, and Scogin pleaſed. The ſlouenly boy almoſt as big as a knaue, would begin to learne his A. B. C. Scogin did giue him a leſſon of nine of the firſt letters of A. B. C. and he was nine daies in learning of them, and when he had learned the nine Chriſt-croſſe row letters, the good ſcholler ſaid, Am itch paſt the worſt now? Yea, ſaid Scogin. Then ſaid the Scholler, would God ich were, vor dis is able to comber any mans wits aliue. Scogin then thought his ſcholler would neuer bee but a foole, and did apply him as well as he could to learning: but he that hath no wit, can neuer haue learning nor wiſedome.

How Scogin and his ſcholler went to ſeek his horſe

ON a time Scogin had loſt his horſe; wherefore in the morning he called vp his ſcholler, ſaying, Will ho. Will heard him call, and would not ſpeake: at laſt Scogin ſaid, what Will I ſay, ariſe, and let vs goe looke my horſe. Will ſaid, Maſter, hold your peace, vor ich am vaſt azleepe. What old luſke, ſaid Scogin, ariſe and méet with me at Shotouer, which is a great wood nigh S. Bartholmewes beſide Oxford. Will followed his [Page] maſter with an euill will, they ſeeking one in one place, and the other in another place for his horſe. At laſt Scogin did lewer and whoop to him. Will ſaid, as he was brought vp with his father, what a diuell will you haue now? Scogin ſaid, haſt thou found my horſe? No, I may, but ch'aue found a better thing. What is that, ſaid Scogin? By my vay, ſaid Will, ich haue found a birds neſt. Well Will, ſaid Scogin, marke the place, and looke out my horſe. By my day, ſaid Will, chill marke the place, vor ich haue ſhit vnder the tree, and now chould ich could find another birds neſt, for all your horſe. Thus you ſoe a ſoole will not leaue his bable for a thing of better worth.

How Scogins ſcholler tooke orders.

WHen that Scogin had taught his ſcholler that hee with helpe might be Subdeacon, he ſaid to him, thou ſhalt goe to take orders, and I will go with thée. And if thou doſt ſtand in any doubt, take heed to my booke, and giue an eare tame, and I will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they that ſhould take orders, were come to oppoſitions, Scogin did come forth with his ſcholler. And the Ordinary did oppoſe him with a verſe of the Pſalter; which was this, Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon, & Amaleck, cum habitantibus Tirum. Scogins ſcholler was blanke oramazed. Sir, ſaid Scogin to the Ordinary, you ſhall vnderſtand that Moab, Agareni, Gebal,[Page]Amon, & Ameleck, cum habitantibus Tirum, were vnhappy fellowes, for they did trouble the children of Iſrael, and if they trouble my ſcholler, it is no maruell: but now I doe tell thée my ſcholler, be not afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon, & Ameleck, cum habitantibus Tirum, for I will ſtand beſide to comfort thée, for Moab, Agaren [...] ▪ &c. can do thée no haime, for they be dead. By reaſon that Scogin did ſo oft repeate theſe words, the ſcholler did reade this verſe aforeſaid: and through Scogins promiſe, the Ordinary was content that his ſcholler ſhould take Orders, and be Subdeacon. After this, when the Orders were giuen againe, Scogin did ſpeake to his ſchollers Father, to ſend in a letter three or ſoure péeces of gold. The ſchollers Father was content ſo to doe: ſo that his ſou might be Deacon. Then ſaid Scogin to his ſcholler, thou ſhalt deliuer this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth ſit in oppoſitions, & as ſoone as he féeleth the letter, he will perceiue that I haue ſent him ſome money, and he will ſay to thée, Quomodo valec magiſter tuus? that is to ſay, how doth thy Maſter? thou ſhalt ſay, Qiud petis? what thing doeſt thou aſke? Then thou ſhalt ſay, Diaconatum, to be Deacon. Then the Ordinary will ſay, Es tu literatus? art thou learned? & thou ſhalt ſay, Aliqualiter, ſome, what. Now ſaid Scogin, thou haſt no more but thrée words to beare in mind in Latine, which is [Page] to ſay, Bene, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and the ſcholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he ſhould be Deacon, & went to the oppoſitions, and deliuered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiuing money in the letter, ſaid to the ſcholler, Quid petis? that is to ſay, what doſt thou aſke or deſire? The ſcholler remembring Scogins words, that the firſt word, was Bene, he ſaid, Bene that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him ſay ſo, he ſaid; Quomodo valet Magiſter tuus? Now doth thy Maſter? The ſcholler ſaid, Diaconatum, that is to ſay, Deacon. The Ordinary did ſée he was a foole, & ſaid; Tues ſtu [...]tus thou art a foole: the ſcholer ſaid, Aliqualiter, that is to ſay, ſomewhat. Nay, ſaid the Ordinary, not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, a ſtarke foole. Then the ſcholer was amazed, and ſaid, ſir, let me not goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell of gold ſor you to drinke. Well, ſaid the Ordinary, on that condition you will promiſe me to goe to your booke and learne, you ſhall bee Deacon at this time. Héere a man may ſee that money is better then learning.

How the ſcholler ſaid, Tom Miller of Oſney, was Iacobs Father.

AFter this, the ſaid ſcholler did come to the next Orders, & brought a preſent to the Ordinary from Scogin, but the ſchollers father paid for all. Then ſaid the Ordinary to the ſcholler, I [Page] muſt néedes oppoſe you, and for Maſter Scogins ſake, I will oppoſe you in a light matter. Iſaac had two ſons, Eſau & Iacob, who was Iacobs father? The ſcholler ſtood ſtill, and could not tell. Well ſaid the Ordinary, I cannot admit you to be Prieſt, vntill the next Orders, and then bring me an anſwer. The ſcholler went home with a heauy heart, bearing a letter to Maſter Scogin, how his ſcholler could not anſwer to this queſtion, Iſaac had two ſonnes, Eſau & Iacob, who was Iacobs Father. Scogin ſaid to his ſcholler, thou foole and aſſe-head, doeſt thou not know Tom Miller of Oſney? Yes ſaid the ſcholler. Then ſaid Scogin, thou knoweſt he had two ſonnes, Tom and lacke, who is lacks father? The ſcholler ſaid Tom Miller. Why ſaid Scogin, thou mighteſt haue ſaid, that Iſaac was Iacobs Father: then ſaid Scogin, thou ſhalt ariſe betime in the morning, and carry a letter to the Ordinary, and I truſt hee will admit thée before the Orders ſhall be giuen. The ſcholler roſe vp betime in the morning, and carried the letter to the Ordinary. The Ordinary ſaid, for Maſter Scogins ſake I will oppoſe you no farther then I did yeſterday. Iſaac had two ſonnes, Eſau and Iacob, who was Iacobs Father? Marry ſaid the ſcholler, I can tell you now that was Tom Miller of Oſney. Goe foole, goe, ſaid the Ordinary, and let thy Maſter ſend thée no more to me for Orders; for it is vnpoſſible to make a foole a wiſe man.

How Scogins ſcholler was made Prieſt.

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THe aforeſaid ſchollers Father was ſorry that he could not haue his ſonne made Prieſt and made his mone to Maſter Scogin. Maſter Scogin ſaid, you muſt get him his Dimiſſaries to be made Prieſt in ſome other Dioceſſe, for our Ordinary will not admit him: ſir, ſaid the ſchollers father, get him his Dimiſſaries and make him a Prieſt, and I will giue you twenty nobles: ſir, ſaid Scogin, let me haue the money and it ſhall be done. The next Orders after, Scogin & the ſchollers father, & the ſcholler did ride all to London, and Scogin went to the Ordinary, and gaue him forty ſhillings to haue his ſcholler made Prieſt. The Ordinary ſaid, I muſt oppoſe him; ſir, ſaid Scogin, my ſcholler is well learned, but hee hath no vtterance; wherfore I pray you at my requeſt, oppoſe him in Te Deum, and his father ſhal bring him to you. I am pleaſed, ſaid the Ordinary. On the morrow the ſcholler & his father went to maſter Ordinary: The Ordinary ſaid, be you maſter Scogins ſcholler? Yea ſir, ſaid he. Would you be Prieſt at the beginning of theſe Orders? Yea ſir, ſaid the ſcholler. Then ſaid the Ordinary, I muſt oppoſe you, & it ſhall be in Te Deum, and I will begin, & anſwer you me, and ſay; Tibi Cherubin & Scraphin inceſſabili voce proclamant, Sanctus ſaid the ſcholler, Sanctus ſaid the Ordinary, Sanctus ſaid the ſcholler. Hold thy peace [Page] knaue, ſaid the ſchollers father: will you checke the Gentleman, that is ſo good to vs? The Ordinary did laugh, and ſaid to the Scribe: put this mans name in the Booke to be Prieſt. Goe ſaid he Ordinary, & come to morrow, and the Biſhop will make you a Prieſt: the which was done.

What talke this wiſe Prieſt and his Father had as they rode home.

ANd as he was riding home with his father, he eſpied the Moon, & ſaid, father, this is like the Moone we haue at home. I maruell ſaid he, whereof the Moone is made. His father ſaid, I cannot tell. Then ſaid the wiſe Prieſt, it is made like a Cheeſe, and if it be a Chéeſe, I would I had a gobbot, for I am hungry. Father he ſaid, how may a man climbe vp to it, & cut out a péece? then ſaid the Father, I would I were at home, for all the Moones in this Countrey. At laſt they came to Uxbridge, and there the young Prieſt had eſpied a Cowturd, lying vpon a beame in the top of the houſe: then he ſaid to his father, here is a thing to be maruelled on, whether the Cow went vp to ſhite on the beame, or the beame came downe to let the Cow ſhite on it. Then ſaid the father, belike one of the two it was.

How the Prieſt excuſed himſelfe, becauſe he did not preach?

AFter that this man was made Prieſt for mony his father had not him a benefice: then the [Page] pariſhioners where he was parſon, were not contented that they had no ſermons of him: vpon the which he went to maſter Scogin to aſke his counſell Then ſaid Scogin Chriſtmas day is at hand, and then goe into the Pulpit, and take this for thy antheme, P [...]er natus [...], &c. Then ſay, Maſters to yeu ali, what is Pu [...] natus eſt nobis? and if no man will anſwer, aſke of the Clarke: and if hee cannot tell, then ſay; Now Maſters to you all, what is [...] datus eſt nobis? if none can tell, aſke the Clarke: if he cannot tell, then ſay; Maſters, what is Cuins imperium; if none can tell, then aſke the oldeſt man in the Church what Cuius imperium is: iſ he cannot tell, then ſay; Maſters, this man hath dwelt in this Pariſh this many yeeres, and he cannot tell what Cuius imperium is. I haue not beene halfe a yeere among you, and you would haue me to preach, I tell you all, by that time I haue beene in this Towne as long as this old man hath béene. I will preach, and tell you what Cuius imperium is. On Chriſtmas day this noble Prieſt went into the Pulpit and ſaid; Puer natus eſt nobis, Filius datus eſt nobis: cuius imperium. Now Maſters to you all what is Puer natus eſt nobis? There was no man could anſwer him: then ſaid the Prieſt to the Clarke, what is Puer natus eſt nobis? The Clarke ſaid, A Childe is borne to vs. It is well ſaid (ſaid the prieſt,) Now Maſters to you all, [Page] what is Filius datus eſt nobis? No man ſaid a word: Clarke, what is Filius datus eſt nobis [...] The Clarke ſaid, a ſonne is giuen to vs. It is well ſaid (ſaid the Prieſt) although he knew not whether hee ſaid right or wrong. Then ſaid the Prieſt, now maſters to you all, what is Cuius imperium? There was none in the Church did anſwer. Then ſaid the Prieſt to the Clarke, what is cuius imperium? the Clarke ſaid, I cannot tell Then the Prieſt ſaid, how long haſt thou dwelt here? The Clarke ſaid, nine or ten yéeres. Then there ſate before the Prieſt an olde man with a bald head: thou old Father, ſaid the Prieſt, what is cuius imperium? I cannot tell, ſaid the olde man, why, ſaid the Prieſt, how long haſt thou dwelt in this pariſh? The olde man ſaid, I was borne in this Towne. Why ſaid the prieſt, how olde art thou? The old man ſaid, foureſcore yéeres and odde: Then ſaid the prieſt, loe maſters all here is a Clarke which hath dwelt here this nine or ten yéeres, and this olde man hath dwelt héere foureſcore yéeres and odde, & yet they cannot tel what Cuius imperium is and I haue not beene here ten weekes, and you would haue me preach I tell you all, by that time I haue dwelt here as long as this olde man hath done, I will preach, [...] tell you what Cius imperium is. For hee is [...] ſtarcke foole that can make no excuſe for himſel [...] that is culpable.

How the Prieſt fell aſleepe as he was at Maſſe.

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ON a certaine time Scogin went to his ſcholler, the aforeſaid Parſon, to dine with him on a ſunday: and this foreſaid Prieſt or Parſon all the night before had béene at Cards playing at the Poſt, hée made ſhort mattens, and went to Maſſe, and when he did come to his firſt memento, hée leaned him to the Altar, and fell aſléepe. When Scogin had eſpyed it, he called the Clarke to awake him; the Clarke went and ſhoote him, and bad him awake. Paſſe ſaid the Prieſt, awake ſaid the Clarke. I will none of it, ſaid the Prieſt, what ſir, ſaid the Clarke, you are at maſſe. Hold thy peace, ſaith the Prieſt, I beſhrew thy heart, thou haſt let me of a good ſléep Awake for ſhame, ſaid the Clarke. At the laſt he awaked, and made an end of his Maſſe. When Maſſe was done, Scogin reprehended him, and they of the Pariſh complained of the Prieſt to Scogin, for that fault and many other. Scogin ſaid, that the Prieſt had great paine in his browes, that he could not hold vp his head: and therefore pardon him for this fault, conſidering his ſickneſſe.

How the Prieſt ſaid, Requiem aeternam on Eaſter day.

ON an Eaſter day, this aforeſaid Parſon could not tell what Maſſe he ſhould ſay: wherefore he ſaid to the Clarke, I pray thée run to my next [Page] neighbour, the Parſon of Garſington, & let him ſend me word what Maſſe I ſhall ſay to day: the Parſon ſaid to the Clarke, let him ſay the Maſſe which doth beginne with a great R. The Prieſt turned ouer his Booke and found Requiem aeternam, and ſaid the Maſſe which is vſed for a ſoule or ſoules: When Maſſe was done, one ſaid to him, Maſter Parſon, for whoſe ſoule did you ſay Maſſe to day? ſir ſaid he, for Gods ſoule, which died on Friday laſt: For I was ſicke yeſterday, and could not ſay Maſſe for his ſoule: ſir, ſaid the man, God is aliue, and not dead. No, ſaid he? if he had not béene dead, hee ſhould not haue béene buried. All this is true, ſaid the man, but after he was dead, he roſe from death to life, and is aliue, and ſhall die no more. By my faith ſaid the Parſon, I will neuer after this pray for him any more. No, ſaid the man, you muſt neuer pray for God: but you muſt pray to God to ſend you ſome wit, or elſe you will die a foole, &c.

How the Prieſt ſaid, Deus qui viginti filij tui, when he ſhould haue ſaid, Deus qui vnigeniti.

ON a time maſter Scogin ſaid to his fellowes that were Maſters of Art, I pray you let vs goe to make merrie with the Parſon of Baldon, which was once my ſcholler. Be it ſaid they: On the morrow in the morning, they went to Baldon, and one Maſter of Art went before all the other, and did goe into the Church, and the [Page] Prieſt began Maſſe of the Croſſe: and when hée came to the Collect, he did read; Deus qui viginti filij [...], &c. when he ſhould haue ſaid, Deus qui vnigeniti, &c. And as he was reading the Collect, he heard a great noiſe in the Church-yard, and ere he had fully made an end of it, maſter Scogin and the other Maſters of Art came into the Church. Then at the Collect end, he turned about and ſaid; Dominus, vobis cum. He ſpying ſo many ſchollers, ſaid, I [...] miſſa eſt. For he thought the ſchollers did come for to checke him in his Maſſe. And when Maſſe was done, they went to dinner with the Parſon. And after dinner, the Maſter of Art that did come firſt into the Church, that heard the Parſon reade, Deus qui viginti filij [...], ſaid, Maſter Parſon, I pray you for my learning, tell me how many ſonnes God had. The Parſon was aſtonied: ſir ſaid he, I will tell you by and by. He went to Scogin, ſaying, ſir, I pray you tell mée how many ſonnes God had. Scogin ſaid, goe and tell him, ſir, you did aſke of me how many ſonnes God hath: it ſhall not ſkill how many nor how few he hath, I am ſure that you be none of them. Why ſir, ſaid the Maſter of Art, you ſaid to day in your Maſſe, that God had twenty children, for you ſaid, Deus qui viginti filij tui, yea ſir, be content ſaid Scogin, hath God moe or leſſe, my prieſt ſaith you be none of them: we haue good chéere, & coſts vs nothing, therefore one good turne aſketh another without reprehenſion.

How the Prieſt was complained on for keeping a yong wench in his houſe.

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THis aforeſaid Parſon had a wench to kéepe his houſe, & to dreſſe his meate, and becauſe both the Prieſt and ſhée were yong, they were complained on to the Ordinary, which ſent for the Prieſt by a citation. The prieſt was afraid, and ſaid to the Sumner, I will giue the 15 pence to tell me the cauſe why I ſhould come to the Ordinary: ſir ſaid he, for kéeping this wench within your houſe wherefore you muſt appeare the next court day. The prieſt went to Scogin and ſhewed him the whole matter, Scogin ſaid, I will write a Letter to the Ordinary, the contents whereof was this: After commendations, I certifie you, that where my Prieſt is complained on for a woman that he keepeth in his houſe, to waſh his diſhes and to gather riſhes, to milke his cow, & to ſerue his ſow, to feed his hen & cocke, to waſh ſhirt and ſmocke, his points to vnlooſe, & to wipe his ſhooes: to make bread & ale, both good, & eke ſtale, & to make his bed, & to looke his head, his garden ſhe doth weed, & doth helpe him at need: no man can ſay, but night and day, he could not miſſe to clip & kiſſe: ſhe is ſaire and fat, what for all that, I can no more tell, but now fare you well. The parſon did beare this letter to the Court, and deliuered it. The Ordinary ſaid, Maſter parſon you [...]ee complained on becauſe you doe kéepe a yong wench in your houſe: [Page] Maſter ſaid the Parſon, ſhe is not young, for ſhe is of the age of my horſe. Why ſaid the Ordinarie, how old is your horſe? Maſter ſaid the Parſon, eightéene yéeres old. Well ſaid the Ordinary you muſt put away your wench. Now, ſaid the Prieſt, I had rather looſe my benefice: for then muſt I brew and ba [...]e, & doe all things my ſelfe, and that I will not doe. Well ſaid the Ordinary, I will come home to your houſe one day, and ſée what rule you kéepe: ſir ſaid the Parſon, you ſhall bée welcome. The Ordinarie came to the Parſons houſe, and when he did ſée the wench, he ſaid; Vxor tua ſicut vitis abundantis in lateribus domus tua. The Parſon thought the Ordinarie had oppoſed him in our Latine Mattins, and ſaid; Ec filij tui ſicut nouellae Oliuarum in circ [...]t [...] menſae tuae. The Ordinary was abaſhed, and ſuppoſed that ſome man had told him of his children that he had in his houſe of his owne, ſitting round about at his Table, was aſhamed to rebuke the Parſon, and ſaid nothing elſe, but farewell Maſter Parſon. Thus a man may perceiue, that diuers times fooles be fortunate. And it is euill and a fooliſh thing, for a man to reprehend another man for a fault that he himſelfe is guilty in.

How the Parſon ſaid, Anupſimus quaeſimus domine.

ANother time Maſter Scogin, & other Maſters of Art in Oxford, did viſit the ſaid [Page] Prieſt again, and found him at Maſſe, and at the laſt Collect, the Parſon ſaid; An [...]p [...]mus quaeſimus Domine. One of the Maſters of Art ſaid, Maſter Parſon, you muſt ſay; Sumpſimus quaeſimus Domine. The Parſon looked backe, & ſaid to the Maſter of Art; I haue ſaid theſe dozen yeeres, Anupſimus quaeſimus Domine, and I will not leaue my old Anupſimus for thy new Sumpſimus: ſo they went to dinner, and the Parſon ſaid to Scogin, I haue not meat enough for you all. Well ſaid Scogin, ſuch as you haue ſet on the board, and ſo he did. Then one of the Maſters ſaid grace, and began, Benedicite domine appoſita, & apponenda. Nay ſaid Scogin put apponenda in your purſe, and bleſſe appoſita, for here is on the table all the meat at this tune you ſhall haue, and I beſhrew ſome of vs, and not me, for we had fared better, if Sumpſimus had not béene heere: wherefore it appeareth, that he which telleth the truth, oftentimes ſhall fare the worſe, or elſe be ſhent.

How Scogin told the hunter he had found a Hare.

SCogin had a great Hares ſkin, that was new killed, and he went to a wheat land, that was an handfull and an halfe high, and did lay there a foule great mard; they that can ſpeake French, can tell what a mard is, and couched the Hares ſkinne ouer it, and ſet vp the Hares eares, and then hee came to Oxford, and ſaid to them that vſed hunting, that he had found a Hare ſitting. [Page] They ran for their Grey-hounds to kill the hare, and Scogin went with them to the land where the Hare did ſit. At laſt one eſpied the eares, and the head of the Hare, and ſaid, ſo how? ſtand you there, ſaid the other, and giue her the law of the game. Scogin got him home to Oxford, and one that came to ſée the game, was bid to put vp the Hare, and when he came almoſt at the Hare, vp whore he ſaid, or I will prick you in the buttocke by and by, but the Hare did not ſtirre. At laſt when he came to the place, he thruſt his ſtaffe at the Hares skinne, and did turne it ouer, and vnder it was a great mard, hée returned againe as if he had a flea in his eare to Oxford. Why ſaid they doe you not put vp the Hare? Goe put her vp your ſelfe with a vengeance ſaid he, and went home againe in an anger: they that held their Grey hounds did maruell what he meant, & that Scogin was gone: they went to ſee where the Hare ſhould ſit, & they found a Hares skinne & a great mard. Wel ſaid they, we can neuer beware of Scogins mocks & ieſts, would part of this hare were in his mouth, and ſo they departed: whereby you may ſee that faire words make fooles faine.

How Scogin told his fellowes he knew where was a Pickerell.

ON a, time Scogin ſaid to his fellowes, I haue found where a Pickerell doth lie in a ditch behind Saint Wenefrides Wel: ſaid the one [Page] I can get a net, Goe, ſaid Scogin & fetch it, and méet me behind S. Wenefrides Well. Scogin tooke a long quarter ſtaffe, the which craftily hée had cut more then halfe aſunder. Scogin did look into the water, and ſaid, here about he ſhould bée. Then ſaid the one to the other, ſome muſt leape ouer. Hold the ſtaffe ſaid Scogin. The one of them tooke the ſtaffe, and pitched it into the water, and would haue lept ouer. The ſtaffe brooke, and laid the Scholler in the middle of the water. Then were the ſcholl ers ready to take him vp with their net, & other policy. Scogin ſhrunke away, & went home. When the ſcholler was taken out of the water, Scogin was aſked for & no man could tel where he was. The ſchollers went home & found him out, and ſaid: Is this the Pickerell that you would ſhew vs? I pray you, ſaid he, if you haue taken him, let me haue part with you: Here a man may ſée daily, if a man haue ſhrewd turnes, he ſhall be mocked alſo for his labour.

How Scogin ſold powder to kill fleas?

SCogin diuers times did lacke money, & could not tell what ſhift to make, at laſt he thought to play the Phyſician, and did fill a box full of the powder of a rotten poſt, and on a ſunday he went to a Pariſh Church, and told the wiues, that hee had a powder to kil vp all the fleas in the country and euery wife bought a penny worth, & Scogin went his way ere Maſſe was done, the wiues [Page] went home, & caſt the powder into their beds, [...] in their chambers, & the fleas continued ſtill. On a time Scogin came to the ſame Church on a ſunday, and when the wiues had eſpied him, the one ſaid to the other, this is he that deceiued vs with the powder to kill fleas: ſée ſaid the one to the other, this is the ſelfe-ſame perſon. When Maſſe was done, the wiues gathered about Scogin, and ſaid; You be an honeſt man to deceiue vs with the powder to kill fleas Why ſaid Scogin, are not your ſleas all dead? We haue more now (ſaid they) then euer we had: I maruell of that, ſaid Scogin, I am ſure you did not vſe the medicine As you ſhould haue done. They ſaid, wee did caſt it in our bed, & in our chambers. A, ſaid he, there be a ſort of feoles that will buy a thing, & will not aſke what they ſhould doe with it. I tell you all, that you ſhould haue taken euery ſlea by the neck, & then they would gape, and then you ſhould haue caſt a little of the powder into euery fleas mouth and ſo you ſhould haue killed them all. Then ſaid the wiues, we haue not onely loſt our money, but we are mocked for our labour.

How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth.

THere was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head, & that did a [...]e very ſore, ſhe went to Maſter Scogin for remedy. Come with me mother, ſaid Scogin, & you ſhall be healed by & by. He then got a packthréed, and went to the [Page] Smiths forge with the woman, and he ſaid to the Smith, I pray you heate mée a Coulter in your forge. I will ſaid the Smith. Then he went to the old woman and ſaid, Mother, let me ſee your tooth, and ſhe did ſo: he tooke his packthrée [...], and bound it faſt about the tooth, & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore, whereas the Smith vſed to tie his horſes & mares, and when the culter was glowing hot, coggi [...] tooke the culter, and ran with it againſt the old woman ſaying; A whore doſt thou ſtand here like an old mare: I will run thée through with this hot culter. The woman being afraid, gaue a braid with her head, and ran her way, & left her tooth behind her. Scogin ran after the woman, and ſhe cryed out for helpe (for ſhee was afraid that Scogin would haue burnt her.) The Smith ran after Scogin for his culter, for he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it. Whereby you may ſée what a terrible thing feare is.

How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him go to it.

ON a time there did a yong man come to Scogin to haue a medicine, ſaying, Sir, I would haue a medicine to make me goe to it luſtily, (he ment of Venus acts) Scogin did giue him an extreame purgation. The yong man went to bed with his Lemman. Within a while his belly began to rumble, and there was no remedy but hée muſt néeds go to it ſo long, that he did defile both [Page] the chamber & the bed, ſo that he and his lemman bathed themſelues that night in dirt, Wherefore it is good for all men, when they aske counſell of any man, to be plaine in his words, and not to ſpeake in parables.

How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him find his horſe.

THere was a man that had loſt his horſe, & he came to maſter Scogin, & ſaid, ſir, I here ſay that you be a good Phyſician, and I haue loſt my horſe, & would fain know a remedy how I might find out my horſe. Scogin gaue that man ſuch a purgation, that he was conſtrained to run to euery buſh and hedge, and peaking ſo about here and there, at laſt he found his horſe. Then he reported that Scogin was the beſt phyſician in the world.

Scogin was robbed as he went to London.

VVHen Scogin did pretend to leaue Oxford, he went to dwell at London: and as hée went towards London, he met with théeues, and they robbed him. And when he came to London, hee eſpied one of the théeues, and then he ſaid to the ſergeants of London, yonder man robbed me when I came from Oxford. The thiefe had ſpied Scogin talking with the ſergeants, & fled his way. The ſergeants followed the thiefe, the thiefe did run, and the ſergeants after. One came to Scogin, and ſaid, wherefore doth yonder men run ſo faſt? Scogin ſaid for a wager, but the foremoſt [Page] man hath won, for lately he had all my mony from me. The ſergeants cryed hold the thiefe: the thiefe ſaid, hold me not, I do run for a wager. And when he was within S. Martins, he ſaid, I haue run well now, or elſe I had béene hanged.

Scogin told his wife he had parbraked a Crow.

AFter a while that Scogin came to London, hee married a yong woman, taking her for a maid, as other men dee. At laſt he thought to proue his wife, and fained himſelfe ſicke. Oh good wife, ſaies he, I will ſhew you a thing, and if you will promiſe me to conceale it. His wife ſaid, ſir, you may tell mee what you will, I were worſe then accurſed, if I ſhould diſcloſe your counſell: O wife ſaid Scogin, I had a great pang to day in my ſickneſſe, for I did parbrake and caſt out a Crow. A Crow, ſaid ſhée? Yea, ſaid Scogin, God helpe me. Be of good comfort, ſaid ſhe, you ſhall recouer and doe well. Well wife, ſaid Scogin, goe to Church and pray for me: ſhée went to the Church, and by & by one of her goſſips met with her, and asked how her husband did. I wi [...] ſaid ſhe, a ſore ſick man he is, and like to die, for there is an euill ſigne and token in him. What is that Goſſip ſaid ſhée? Nay by giſſe, I will not tell it to any man aliue. What ſaid the woman, you may tell me, for I will neuer bewray your counſell: By giſſe, ſaid Scogins wife, if I wiſt that you wold kéep my counſel, I wold tel you. Then ſaid [Page] the woman, whatſoeuer you doe tell, I will lay it dead vnder my féet. Oh ſaid Scogins wife, my huſband parbraked two Crowes. Jeſus, ſaid the woman, I neuer heard of ſuch a thing. This woman as ſhe did méet with another goſſip of hers, ſhewed that Scogin had parbraked thrée crowes. So it went from one goſſip to another, that ere Mattens were finiſhed, all the pariſh knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crowes. And when the Prieſt was ready to goe into the Pulpit, one came to requeſt him and all the Pariſh to pray for Scogin, for hee had parraked twenty Crowes. The Prieſt bleſſed him, and ſaid to the Pariſhioners, I doe pray you pray for Scogin, for he is in perill of his life, and hath parbraked 21 Crowes. By and by one went to Scogin and ſaid; ſir, is it as it is ſpoken in the Church of you? What is that, ſaid Scogin? The Prieſt ſaid in the Pulpit that you parbraked 2 [...] Crowes: ſaid Scogin, what a lie is this? By & by the bels were told for ſacring, and Scogin hied him to Church luſtily & merry, and when the men & women did ſée him in the Church, they looked vpon one another, and maruelled of this matter. After Maſſe, Scogin asked what were they that ſhould bring vp ſuch a tale vpon him. At laſt the matter was ſo boulted out, that the original of the cauſe began at Scogins wife. Here a man may ſée, that it is hard to truſt a woman with a mās ſecrets: wherfore it is good to proue a friend ere one haue néed.

How Scogin cauſed his wife to be let blood.

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AFter that Scogins wife had played this aforeſaid pranke, ſhe vſed ſo long to go a goſſipping, that if her husband had ſpoken any word contrary to her minde, ſhée would crow againſ [...] him, that all the ſtréet ſhould ring of it. Scogin thought it was time to breake his wife of ſuch matters, and ſaid to her, I would you would take other wayes, or elſe I will diſpleaſe you. Diſpleaſe me, ſaid ſhee, beware that you doe not diſpleaſe your ſelfe: Yea, ſaid Scogin, I wil ſée tha [...] one day, how you will diſpleaſe me: ſhe ſtill continued in opprobrious words: [...]t laſt Scogin called her into a chamber, & took one of his ſeruants with him, and ſaid to her, Dame you haue a little hot & proud blood about your heart, and in your ſtomacke, and if it be not let out it will infect you and many mo: therefore be content, there is no remedy, but that blood muſt bée let out, I [...] thée, ſaid Scogins wife: (and was vp in the houſe top) yea, ſaid he, come ſaid Scogin to his ſeruant and let vs bind her to this forme: ſhee ſcratched and clawed them by the faces, and ſpurned with her feet ſo long that ſhee was weary: ſo at the laſt ſhée was bound hand and foot to the forme. Now ſaid Scogin to his ſeruant goe fetch mee a Surgeon, or a Barbor that can let blood. The ſeruant went and brought a Surgeon, Scogin ſaid to him, ſir, it is ſo that my wife is mad, & doth [...] [Page] and I haue béen with Phyſicians, and they haue counſelled me to let her blood: ſhe hath infectious blood about the hart, & I wold haue it out: ſir ſaid the ſurgeon, it ſhall be done. Sogin ſaid, ſhée is ſo mad that ſhe is bound to a forme. The better for that, ſaid the ſurgeon: when Scogin and the ſurgeon entred into the chamber, ſhée made an exclamation vpon Scogin. Then ſaid Scogin, you may ſée that my wife is mad. I pray you let her blood both in the arme and in the foot, and vnder the tongue: Scogin & his man held out her arme and they did open a veine named Cardica. When ſhée had bled well, now ſtop that veine, ſaid Scogin, and let her blood vnder the foot. When ſhée ſaw that, ſir ſaid ſhe, forgiue me and I will neuer diſpleaſe you hereafter: well ſaid Scogin, if you do ſo, then I do thinke it ſhall be beſt for vs both: by this tale it proueth that it is a ſhrewd hurt that maketh the body fare the worſe, and an vnhappy houſe where the woman is maſter.

How Scogin and his wife made an Heire.

ON a time they died in London, & Scogin & his wife did lie in the Countrey, & while hée did lie there, he did purchaſe a copihold, and went to aske counſell of a man of law, ſaying; I haue purchaſed a copy-hold, & I am come to aske your counſel, and I will giue you for your labour: ſir, ſaid the man of law, your copy muſt be made [...] make as [Page] heire: ſir ſaid Scogin, in this matter I will goe home, & aske counſell of my wife, and to morrow I will come againe to you. Scogin went home & told his wife what the man of law had ſaid, that the Copy muſt be made vnder the forme of law, & that it were good to make an heire. Then Scogin ſaid, wife let vs goe to bed, & we will make an heire by and by. They went to bed, & Scogin pulled the ſhéet & the clothes ouer his own head and his wiues, and did let a great fart: now fiſte thou woman ſaid Scogin, and we ſhall haue an heire by & by: ſo long they lay together, that with ſtink they were almoſt choked. Ah, ſaid Scogin to his wife, I will buy no more copihold, for it is nought to make an heir. On the morrow Scogin went to the man of Law, ſaying, ſir, be you ready to goe to Weſtminſter? wherefore ſaid the man of law▪ Scogin ſaid to make my copy: ſir ſaid the man of law, I can make it here in my houſe. Nay, ſaid Scogin, you ſaid to me yeſterday that it muſt bée made vnder the forme of law, and in Weſtminſter is the beſt forme of law in England; and therefore let vs go ſit vnder one of thoſe formes. Tuſh ſaid the man of law, the copy muſt be made according to the law, and beſide you & your wife, ſet in the copy one of your children, why ſaid Scogin, you bad me make an heire, and I and my wife made ſuch an heir in our beds yeſternight, that ſhe & I were almoſt poyſoned: whereby it appeares that miſ-hearing of a tale, maketh miſ-underſtanding [Page] therefore plaine ſpéech is beſt, although Scogin knew what was ſpoken, and turned it to a ieſt.

How Scogin got the Abbots horſe.

ON a time Scogin was ſent for to the Abbot of Bury, to paſtime with them, where he fell ſicke and like to die, whereupon he was ſhriuen & would haue béene hoaſted, and hee durſt not for feare of caſting. T [...]e Abbot ſaid, Crede & manducaſti, that is to ſay, beléeue, and thou haſt receiued. When Scogin recouered, the Abbot ſent him his owne horſe to ride home on. Scogin ſent not home the Abbots horſe, wherefore the Abbot ſent for his horſe, but Scogin anſwered the meſſenger, and ſaid when I was ſicke at home with your Maſter. I would haue receiued the holy Sacrament of the Altar, and he had me beléeue, & I had receiued the ſacrament of the Altar: ſo in like manner, let him beléeue that he hath receiued his horſe, and it is ſufficient, and tell him his horſe he ſhal neuer haue: by this a man may perceiue that a man ſhould not lend his horſe, nor his weapon, nor his wife to no man, if he loue himſelfe, or his owne profit: for by it neuer commeth gaines.

How Scogin brought a dogs turd made in powder to the Apothecaries, to know what powder it was.

VVHen that Scogin did lie ſicke at Bury, he ſent to the Apothecaries of London for many medicines, and ſome were bitter, and ſome [Page] were ſower, and ſome ſwéet. When he was recouered and made whole, and at home in his owne houſe, he walked about the fields, and found uppon a mole-hill, a white dogs turd, hee put it in a napkin, and after that he dried it in an oven, and made it into powder, and went to the Apothecaries in London, and ſaid, my friend hath ſent me a powder to eat, and I cannot tell what it is: the Apothecary taſted it, and they could not tel what powder it ſhould be. At laſt he came to an old Apothecary, and ſaid, ſir I pray you tell me what powder this is. The old Apothecary taſted it, and ſpit it out againe, and ſaid, fie cocks dodykins, that is a turd. O good Lord, ſaid Scogin, cunning is worth much money, your fellowes here in the City haue good mouthes to taſt lamp oyle, and you haue iudged right. Here a man may ſee that diuers times a man ſhall not onely haue a ſhrewd turne, but a mocke for his labour.

How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawers tooth.

ON a time there went a tooth-drawer round about the country, with a banner ful of téeth (as blind Phyſitians and Surgeons doe now adayes) the which tooth-drawer ſaid, he wold draw out a tooth without any paine, which was falſe, for when he pulled out ſome mens téeth, he pulled out a péece of the cheek-bone; & tooke many mens money, & did much harme, and little good At the laſt he came to Scogins houſe, & Scogin hearing [Page] of his doings, cauſed him to come in, and ſaid, Sir you be called a cunning drawer of a tooth. I haue paine in a tooth, and I would it were out of my head: ſir, ſaid the tooth-drawer, & you will, I will haue it out without any paine. I pray you ſaid Scogin, how will you doe? ſir, ſayd he, I will raiſe the fleſh about the tooth, and then with a ſtrong threed I will pull it out: ſir, ſaid Scogin, I can pul out a tooth ſo: and becauſe you ſay it is no paine to pul out a tooth ſo, I wil firſt pul out one of your teeth. Nay ſir, ſaid the tooth-drawer, I haue no paine in my teeth. Although you haue not, ſaid Scogin. I will pull a tooth out of your head, and if you haue no paine, you ſhall haue an Angell for your tooth: but if you haue paine, you ſhall haue nothing: ſir, ſaid the tooth-drawer, I will haue none of my teeth pulled out. Scogin ſaid to his ſeruant, bring me a paire of manacles, for ſurely I will pull out one of thy téeth, ere that thou ſhall pul out one of mine; therefore ſit down, and take it patiently, leſt thou be put to greater pains. The tooth-drawer ſate him downe with an euill will, & Scogin did raiſe the fleſh about the tooth-drawers tooth, that it was in ſuch caſe, that the water did runne downe the tooth-drawers eyes. Scogin ſaid, doth the water runne forth of your eyes for ioy, or elſe for paine? The tooth-drawer ſaid for ioy, for I truſt to get an Angell of you, Bee it, ſaid Scogin. Scogin did knit a ſtrong [...]hreed about the [...] [...]oth-drawers tooth, and gaue [Page] it a great twitch. Oh, ſaid the tooth-drawer what doe you feele pain, ſaid Scogin? yea ſaid th [...] [...]oth-drawer, you pull not quickly. Then ſaid Scogin, you haue loſt your [...]ngell: Nay, ſaid the tooth-drawer: well, ſaid Scogin, the tooth ſhall come now I trow, and Scogin did twitch and pul hard at the tooth, and pulled it out. Out alaſſe ſaid the tooth-drawer: Why ſaid Scogin cry you out? Marry ſaith the tooth-drawer, the deuill would cry out of this paine: Sir, ſaid Scogin you taught me how I ſhould doe, and you haue loſt your Angell: and ſéeing your cunning is no better, I will haue neuer a tooth pulled out now: and if you pull any of my neighbours téeth after ſuch ſort as you haue done, if you come in my walke, I will pull out all the téeth in your head. Eat and drinke ere you goe, and ſo farewell.

How Scogin ſerued the poore folkes that came to his houſe to aske almes.

WHiles Scogin did lye thus in the Country, there reſorted to his houſe vagabonds and common beggers, and when hee did ſée hée could not be rid of them, he ſaid; come this day fortnight, for then I doe giue money for my friends ſoule. Scogin had an old barne, that was ready to fall downe, and in the meane time hee ſtopped all the holes with firre buſhes, broome, old fearne, and ſtraw, and laid ſuch trumpery about the barne. The day appointed, all the vagabonds and beggers in the Country reſorted vnto [Page] Scogins houſe, & as they did come, they wet put into the barne, and ſaid they ſhould haue the [...] almes within a while. Scogin kept them faſting till thrée or foure of the clocke in the afternoone and then he commanded his ſeruants priuily [...] ſet fire on the ſtraw, & the furres round about th [...] bar [...]e, which was done. At laſt when the vaga [...] bonds & beggers did ſée that they were compaſſe [...] round with fire, they ſaid one to another, we mu [...] run through the fire in ſome place, or elſe we ſha [...] be burnt vp: ſo ſome ran through the fire in on [...] place, and ſome in another, and durſt not look behind them. Scogin cryed, ſaying, [...]ary whorſon whores, you haue ſet my barne on fire, you ſhal [...] be hanged euery one. They fled for feare, & neuer durſt come againe to Scogins houſe for almes Here a man may ſée euery promiſe is kept, or elſ [...] broken, and it is good for euery man to kéepe himſelfe out of the danger of all men, and eſpecially of great men.

How Scogin came to the Court like a foole, and wonne twenty pounds with ſtanding vnder a ſpout in the raine.

VVHen Scogin had dwelt in the country, he returned againe to London, and fel [...] acquainted with Gentlemen of the Kings priuy chamber, which would faine that he ſhould come to the Court, and they would bring him into the Kings ſeruice. Scogin was more beholding to [Page] one Gentleman, then to all the other, and ſaid to him, ſir I will come to the Court like a dizard or foole, and when that I come, I will aske for you, and when that we doe meet, call me aſide, that I may ſpeake with you: ſo on a rainy day Scogin came to the Court like a foole, and the Kings Porters asked what he would haue, and hee ſaid my fellow ſir Neuill: What manner of man is he, ſaid the Porters? Scogin ſaid, he hath a noſe, and goeth vp and downe on two legges: Then ſaid the Porters this is a ſtarke Ideot foole, doeſt thou know thy maſter, ſaid the Porter, and if thou ſe [...]ſt him? I know him, ſaid Scogin, by his [...]ap. Then ſaid the Porters the one to the other, who doe you thinke ſhould be this fooles maſter? ſome ſaid one, ſome ſaid another; at the laſt one ſaid, I trow hee bee Sir William Neuils Foole. When Scogin heard him ſay ſo, hee leapt about and did laugh. Then one of the Porters went to Sir William Neuill, and asked him if hee had not a Foole. Yes ſaid Sir William Neuill: marry ſaid the Porter, it is a mad merry Foole. Yea, ſaid Sir William Neuill, hee is a very Jdest, he is not wiſe: Said the Porter, ſhall hee come to you? Nay, ſaid Sir William Neuil, I will goe my ſelfe to the Foole. When Sir William Neuill and Scogin did méet, Sir William Neuill ſayd, A Tom, how doſt thou? (it rained [...]ore) and Scogin ſaid, I cannot bee in reſt, for theſe knanes doe powre water ſtill vpon me, and [Page] no man touched him, but the rain that fell down) Well Tom, ſaid Sir William Neuill, come with me, and thou ſhalt goe to the fire and dry thée. He brought him to his chamber, and then ſaid Scogin to Sir William Neuill, goe and ſay, you haue a naturall foole come to you, and if he were ſet vnder one of the ſpouts that doe runne ſo faſt with rain water, he will not come out. And make ſome great wager with ſome great man, and lay downe the money, that I will ſtand ſtill vnder the ſpout, vntill the time that I bee fetcht away by you, for I lacke money, and I care not, ſaid Scogin to be wet. Then ſir William went round about the Court with his foole, and another Knight met with him, and ſaid, What, haue you got a foole? yea, ſaid Sir William Neuill, hee is ſuch a foole, that if hee bee ſet vnder one of theſe ſpouts of the leads that runneth now with rainewater, hee will neuer come away, vntill I doe fetch him out of it. It is not ſo, ſaid the Knight: yes, ſaid Sir William Neuill, and on that I will lay twenty pound: I hold it, ſaid the Knight, lay downe the money. Scogin was glad of that: then ſir William Neuill ſaid, Tom, come with me, and thou ſhalt haue a figge. A fig fellow, ſaid Scogin, where is it? Come ſaid Sir William Neuill, and thou ſhalt ſée. He brought him vnder one of the ſpouts that did runne with water, and ſaid, here is water to waſh thy fig, ſtand ſtil & I will bring thée a fig by & by: Sir William Neuill departed, [Page] and Scogin ſtood ſo long vnder the ſpout, crying and calling for his fellow ſir William Neuill, that the water ran out at his heeles and his bréethes, as faſt as it did fall into his necke, and vpon his head and body, ſtill calling & crying vpon his fellow ſir William Neuill. [...]he Knight ſéeing this, thought hee ſhould loſe his bargaine, ſaid to ſir William Neuill Will you giue mee leaue to entice him away by any craft or policy? yea, ſaid ſir William Neuill, I am pleaſed, doe what you can, ſo that by no ſtrength ou take him away: Nay ſaid the Knight, that I wil not. [...]he knight went to Scogin and ſaid, A Tom, thy Maſter hath left thée alone, and is dead, come with me to a fire, and dry thee. Tehée ſaid Scogin, fellow hoe, where art thou? why ſaid the Knight, thy fellow is dead, come and eat figs with me. Nay ſaid Scogin, [...] y fellow will giue me a better fig then you will. The Knight meant of a figge, but Scogin meant of the money that was laid on the bargaine, in the which hee did know that his part was, ſo that by no manner of meanes, nor policy, or craft, no man could get Scogin from ſtanding vnder the ſpont. Euery man pitied Scogin, and ſaid, this [...]ole will dye vnder the ſpout then ſaid the Knight and euery man, goe you maſter Neuil [...] and fetch him away, for it is a foole of all fooles Then ſaid Sir William Neuil [...], if I fetch him away I haue wonne the bargaine. The Knight ſaid, it is ſo. Then ſir William Neuill [Page] went to Scogin, and as ſoone as Scogin had eſpyed him, he leapt and danced vnder the ſpout, ſaying, haſt thou brought my fig? no [...]om, ſaid Sir William Neuill but come with me, and thou ſhalt goe to a fire. Nay ſaid Scogin, giue mee a fig. Come with me, ſaid Sir William Neuill and thou ſhalt haue a fig. Sir William Neuill brought him to his chamber, where he had a good fire, and gaue him the wager that was won.

How Scogin leapt ouer the Tables when dinner was done.

SCogin did marke the faſhions of the Court, & amongſt all other things, her did marke how men did leape ouer the table in the Kings Hall, to ſit downe to dinner and ſupper, which is not vſed now. Scogin ſeeing this, that as many as did ſit at the Table had meat, and they that ſtood in the hall beſide, had none, all that time he made ſhift for himſelfe. And when dinner was done, and all the tables taken vp, Scogin ſet out treſtles and leapt ouer them, and leapt ouer the tables, and leapt from one table to another, that euery body maruelled what he meant. At laſt one did aske of him what hee meant by leaping ouer the tables. Scogin ſaid, I doe learne againſt ſupper to leape to ſit downe, for he that cannot leap, getteth no meat here. Therefore to forecaſt, and ſome prouiſion is good at all times.

How Scogin gaue one a Gooſe legge, that was giuen him, and afterward told him he had eaten an hundred lice.

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IN the Court one gaue Scogin a gooſe leg, ſaying, hold Tom, eat this. Hee put it in his boſome. At laſt he came to one, and gaue him the gooſe leg: and within a while after Scogin met with the man vnto whom he had giuen the gooſe leg? & ſaid to him: Haſt thou eaten the gooſe leg? the man ſaid, yea: Much good do it thee, ſaid Scogin, thou haſt eaten an hundred lice. The man took a conceit, & did caſt vp all his meat againe. Here it is good to mark that a man beléeue not euery word that another doth ſpeake; for ſome doe lie, ſome do ieſt, ſome doe mock, and ſome do ſcorn, and many men doe ſay the very truth.

How Scogin ſwept a Lords Chamber.

SCogin on a time was deſired to ſwéepe a Lords chamber, and when he had ſwept al the duſt together, hee threw it out againſt the wind, and the wind blew it againe into his face. Then ſaid Scogin to the wind, let mee caſt out my duff whorſon I ſay. Euery man laughed at Scogin, ſeeing him to chide with the wind.

How Scogin told thoſe that mocked him, that he [...] had a wall eye.

SCogin went vp and downe in the Kings hall, and his hoſen hung downe, and his [...] [...] [Page] awry, and his hat ſtood a booniour, ſo euery man did mocke Scogin, ſome ſaid hee was a proper man, and did weare his rayment cleanly: ſome ſaid, the whorſon foole could not put on his owne rayment: ſame ſaid one thing and ſome ſaid another: at laſt Scogin ſaid, Maſters, you haue praiſed me wel, but you did not eſpy one thing in me. What is that Tom, ſaid the men? Marry ſaid Scogin, I haue a wall eye. What meaneſt thou by that, ſaid the men? Marry, ſaid Scogin, I haue ſpyed a ſort of knaues that doe mocke me, and are worſe ſooles themſelues.

How Scogin drew his ſonne vp and downe the Court.

AFter this, Scogin went from the Court and put off his fooles garments, and came to the Court like an honeſt man, and brought his ſon to the Court with him, and within the Court he drew his ſon vp and downe by the heeles. The boy cried out, and Scogin drew the boy in euery corner. At laſt euery man had pity on the boy, and ſaid, ſir, what doe you meane to draw the boy about the Court? Maſters, ſaid Scogin, he is my ſonne, and I doe it for this cauſe; euery man doth ſay, that that man, or child, which is drawne vp in the Court, ſhall be the better as long as hee liues: and therefore I will euery day once draw him vp and downe the Court, after that hee may come to preferment in the end.

How Scogin greaſed a fat ſow on the arſe.

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SCogin had got a fat Sow, & killed her vnder the Court wall, beſides the Kings gate, hee made a great fire, and got a great ſpit, & put the Sow on the ſpit, & roſted her, and bought twenty pounds of butter, and ſtill hee powred the butter with a ladle on the ſowes buttocks Diuers men came to him, and ſaid, why doſt thou greaſe this fat ſow on the arſe? He ſaid, I doe as Kings and Lords, and euery man elſe doth; for hee that hath enough, ſhall haue more, and he that hath nothing ſhall go without, and this ſow needeth no baſting nor greaſing, for ſhe is fat enough, yet ſhall ſhee haue more then enough.

How the King gaue Scogin a houſe to doe what he would with it.

SCogin through Sir William Neuils procuration or preferment, was brought to the Kings preſence. The King ſaid to him, Art thou he that did play the foole in my Court, and didſt leaps to and fro in my Hall ouer the tables? Yea, and it like your Grace, ſaid Scogin. And art thou hee that did greaſe the fat ſow on the arſe? Yea, ſaid Scogin. And why didſt thou ſo? ſaid the King: Scogin ſaid, I doe as your Grace doth, and all your Lords as well ſpirituall as temporall and as all rich men doe, which doe giue to them that haue enough, more then enough, and hee which [Page] hath nothing, except he bee an importunate crauer, ſhall goe without, and vnleſſe that hee haue ſome man to ſpeake for him, hee may goe pipe in an Juy leafe. Why ſaid the King, what liuing haſt thou? Nothing, ſaid Scogin, nor neuer a houſe of mine owne to put my head in. Would God, ſaid Scogin, that I might haue ſome Cottage to dwell in. The King ſaid, if thou wilt bee my Seruant, I will giue thee a houſe in Cheapſide. I thanke your Grace, ſaid Scogin, but I pray you giue it me, ſo that I may doe with my houſe what I will. Yea, ſaid the King, make thy writings after thine owne mind, with the beſt counſel that thou canſt, and it ſhal be ſealed. Scogin was glad of that, and he did make to do with his houſe what hee would, his writings ſealed with the Kings ſigne Mannel. A little after the ſealing, Scogin did buy a load of firres, and two load of ſtraw, and did cauſe it to bee caſt downe in Cheapeſide, before the houſe that the King did giue him. Diuers men did maruell what it ſhould meane. And within a while, Scogin with his men of Law, and other, did come to the houſe to take poſſeſſion: ſo after the forme of law he tooke poſſeſſion. Then ſaid Scogin, this houſe is old, and to pul it downe were a great coſt and charge; wherefore I will burne it vp with theſe firres & ſtraw: peraduenture I will make of it a Church, or Chappell, that a Prieſt may ſing for mee, ſo long as the world doth continue. Goe, ſaid Scogin [Page] to his ſeruants, & fetch me hither ſome men to carry into my houſe ſtraw and firres: ſir, ſaid the good man of the houſe, I pray take a little reſpite, I haue goods in your houſe, and you cannot burne your houſe, but you ſhall hurt the whole ſtreet. What is that to me, ſaid Scogin, I haue no charter of my life, I am about a charitable act for my ſoules health: for charity firſt muſt bee ſhewed to a mans owne ſelfe, and after that to his neighbour: ſir, ſaid the Merchant that was good man of the houſe, let it ſtand, and I and my neighbours will giue you as much as it is worth. Nay, ſaid Scogin, I will not ſell it. [...]hen ſaid the Merchant, what ſhall I and my neighbours giue you to let it ſtand ſtill, and I will pay you more then it was rented for before? There goeth a bargaine, ſaid Scogin, goe to all your neighbours, and bring me word what they will giue me The neighbours did caſt their heads together, & conſidering that hee was (as they thought) in the Kings fauor, would gladly giue him 40 pounds. When Scogin heard theſe tidings, he was glad, and ſaid, come bring mee the money, and I am contented that my houſe ſhall ſtand ſtill, ſo that it may bee ouer rented according to my tenants promiſe. Thus Scogin by policy got money.

How Scogin played horſe play in the Q. chamber.

SCogin ſaid on a time to the Quéene then being, Madam, and it like your Grace, will you [Page] haue horſe play playd in your chamber? Yea, ſaid the Queene. Scogin vntruſſed his points, and put downe his bréeches, as if hee would haue bewrayd the chamber, and then kicked with his héeled, and ſaid, wehée. Then hee ſaid to his ſeruant, come and combe me here, and then turne and kicke and winſe with thy heeles, and ſay, wehee. Out knaue, ſaid the Queen, out of my chamber. Scogin went out of the chamber, ſaying, That he did it not, but by her leaue; and with her leaue hee might doe her a great peece of ſeruice. After that the Quéen would haue no more horſeplay in her chamber. Therefore it is good for a man to know what will happen, before hee giue leaue to a buſineſſe.

How Scogin let a fart, and ſayd it was worth forty pounds.

THat time that Scogin was conuerſant, both in the Kings chamber, and in the Queenes, Scogin would peake here and there, about in the Queenes chamber, or lodging: the Quéene by cuſtome, (as moſt commonly all great women, and Ladies, and Gentlewomen doe:) ſhee let a fart, ſaying, the ſame is worth to mee twenty pound. Scogin hearing this, girt out a fa [...]t like a horſe or mare, ſaying, if that fart be ſo deare of twenty pound, my fart is worth forty pounds. Pere a man may ſée, that a knaue may doe that which an honeſt man may not ſpeake.

How Scogin asked of the King fiue hundred okes.

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ON a time Scogin ſaid to the King then being, and if it ſhall pleaſe your Grace to giue me fiue hundred Okes to build me a houſe in the country, I were much bound to your Grace. The king ſaid, will not an hundred Okes ſerue thée? Yes & it like your Grace, ſaid Scogin, it would do me good eaſe. Well ſayd the King, as for an hundred Okes thou ſhalt haue with the better. I doe thank your Grace, ſaid Scogin, for if I had asked but an hundred Okes at the firſt, I had had but twenty. Therefore it is good to aske enough of great men, for then he ſhall haue ſomewhat.

How Scogin would haue made a ſhepheard aske him bleſſing.

ON a certaine time the King rode a progreſſe, and Scogin rode with the King, and as they did ride, Scogin ſpied a ſhepheard, and then hee ſaid to the King, I will make yonder ſhepheard to aske me bleſſing, for I will face him downe that I am his god-father. Let me ſée that ſaid the King. Scogin did pricke forth his horſe, and ſaluted the ſhepheard, ſaying, Good fellow where wert thou borne? He ſaid in Lewkſbury. Yea, ſaid Scogin, I doe know that better then thou doſt, for I am thy Godfather, I am he that did lift thée from the cold water. Nay, not ſo, ſaid the fellow, I know my God-father. Scogin [Page] ſaid, I am one of them, therefore ſit down on thy knées, and aske mee bleſſng, and thou ſhalt haue a groat. Nay, ſayd the Shepheard, I will none of your groat, nor I will not ſit down on my knées: No, ſaid Scogin, if thou wilt not ſit downe and aske me bleſſing, I will make thée; therefore do it by ſaire meanes. I will, ſayd the ſhepheard, aske of thée no bleſſing. Scogin leapt downe off his horſe, and drew out his wood-knife, ſaying, ſit downe thou old knaue, and doe thy duty to thy god-father. The ſhepheard ſaid, put vp thy knife, or elſe I will bleſſe thée with me ſhéep-hook, yea, ſaid Scogin, that would I faine ſée: Scogin did flie at the ſhepheard, and the ſhepheard at him, that at the laſt Scogin did bear off the ſhepheards blowes with his head and ſhoulders, & elbowes. The King ſéeing that Scogin had the worſt, ſaid, ſtand to him Scogin, ſtand to him Scogin. Scogin anſwered the King, I would you ſtood as nigh to him as I doe: for then he would not only beat out all the duſt in your coat, but make ſome of your gingles flye about your face. Scogin was weary of his god-fatherſhip, and ran to his horſe. The ſhepheard followed him, and gaue him thrée or foure good ſtripes ouer the backe & ſhoulders, ſaying, take your leaue good god-father of your child are you goe. Scogin leapt vpon his horſe, and rode to the King. Then the King ſaid to Scogin, haue you giuen your bleſſing to your god-ſonne, or hath your god-ſonne bleſſed you? I hen [Page] ſaid Scogin. a man cannot haue a ſhrewd turne, but he muſt be alſo mocked for his labour. Here a man may ſee, that diuers times a man may do a thing in ſport, and at the laſt it doth turne into good earneſt.

How Scogin gaue a Cowheard forty ſhillings to teach him his cunning in the weather.

ON a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of Bury, hée asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury. The Cowheard ſaid twenty miles. May I, ſaid Scogin, ride thither to night: Yea, ſaid the Cowheard, if you ride not too faſt, & alſo if you ride not a good pace, you will be wet ere you come halfe way there. As Scogin was riding on his way, he did ſée a cloud ariſe that was blacke, and being afraid to be wet, he ſpurred his horſe and did ride a great pace, and riding ſo faſt, his horſe ſtumbled and ſtrained his leg, & might not goe. Scogin reuoluing in his mind the Cowheards words, did ſet vp his horſe at a poore mans houſe, and returned to the Cowheard, ſuppoſing that he had beene a good Aſtronomer, becauſe hée ſaid, if you ride not too faſt, you may be at Bury to night, and alſo if you doe not ride faſt, you ſhal be wet ere you come there. Scogin ſaid to the Cowheard, what ſhall I giue thee to tell mée, when I ſhall haue raine or faire weather? There goeth a bargain ſaid the Cowheard: what wilt thou giue me? Scogin ſaid, twenty ſhillings. [Page] Nay ſaid the Cowheard for forty ſhillings I will tell you and teach you, but I will bee paid firſt. Hold the money ſaid Scogin. The Cowheard ſaid, Sir doe you ſée yonder Cow with the cut taile? Yea, ſaid Scogin: ſir, ſaid the Cowheard, when that ſhe doth begin to ſet vp her rumpe, & draw to a hedge or buſh, within an houre after you ſhall haue raine: therfore take the Cow with you, and keepe her as I doe, and you ſhall euer be ſure to know when you ſhall haue faire weather or foule. Nay ſaid Scogin, kéepe thy Cow ſtill, and giue me twenty ſhillings of my mony. That is of my gentlenes ſaid the Cowheard, howbeit you ſéeme to bee an honeſt man, there is twenty ſhillings. Here a man may ſée, that wit is neuer good till it be bought.

How a man told Scogin, that he thought the building of Paules coſt forty ſhillings.

ON a time a poore man did come to London, to ſpeake with Scogin, and Scogin had him to Paules Church to talke with him, & both walked round about the Church: the poore man ſaid, here is a goodly Church. Yea, ſaid Scogin, what doe you thinke it coſt making? The poore huſbandman ſaid, I trow it coſt vorty ſhilling. Yea, ſaid Scogin that it did, and vorty ſhilling thereto. Ho there ſaid the poore man. Here a man may ſée, that little portion of money is a great ſum in a poore mans purſe, and he that is ignorant in a matter, ſhould be no iudge.

Of him that thought Paules ſteeple had beene ſo high, that one might looke ouer it.

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THis aforeſaid poore man deſired that hée might ſée Paules ſteeple, that euery one ſayd was ſo high. Scogin had the man into Finsbury field, & ſhewed him Pauls, ſaying; yonder is Pauls ſtéeple. Tuſh, ſaid the man, is that ſo high a ſtéeple: a man may looke ouer it. The poore man thought it had béene ſo high, that no man might ſée or looke ouer it. And thus you may ſee what the effect of ſimplicity is.

How Scogin deſired the King that hee might ſay, Aue Maria gratia plena, Dominus tecum, in his eare at certaine times.

ON a certain time Scogin went to the kings Grace, and did deſire that he might come to him diuers times and ſound in his eares, Aue Maria gratia plena, Dominus tecum. The King was content he ſhould doe ſo except hée were in great buſineſſe Nay, ſaid Scogin, I will marke my time: I pray your Grace that I may do thus this tweluemoneth, I am pleaſed ſaid the King. Many men were ſuters to Scogin to bée good to them, and did giue him many gifts and rewards of gold and ſiluer, and other gifts, ſo that within the yéere, Scogin was a great rich man: ſo when this yeere was out, Scogin deſired the King to breake his faſt with him. The King ſaid, [Page] I will come. Scogin had prepared a Table for the King to breake his faſt, and made him a goodly Cubboor [...] of plate of gold and ſiluer, and hée had caſt ouer all his beds and tables, and co ners of his chamber full of gold and ſiluer: when the King did come thither, and ſee ſo much plate, and gold, and ſiluer, he asked of Scogin where he had it, and how he did get all this treaſure? Scogin ſaid, by ſaying the Aue Maria in your eare, and ſéeing I haue got ſo much by it, what doe they get that be about your Grace daily, and bee of your counſell, when that I with ſixe words ſpeaking haue gotten ſo much? He muſt needs ſwim that is held vp by the chin.

How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to Church.

ON a time Scogins wife deſired him that hée would let her haue a man to goe before her when ſhée went abroad, or to Church. Why ſaid Scogin, know you not the way to the Church? The next ſunday he aroſe betime in the morning and tooke a péece of chalke, and made a ſtrike all along the way from his houſe to the Church. When his wife would goe to the Church, ſhée deſired him again that one of his ſeruants might goe before her to Church. It ſhall not néed ſaid Scogin, for if you follow this chalke it will bring you the right way to the Church doore: ſo Scogins wife was faine to goe to Church without a [...]

How Scogin deſired of the Queene to know whether riches would not tempt men, and eſpecially women.

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ON a time Scogin was ieſting with the Queene, and ſaid, Madam, riches, as gold, ſiluer, precious ſtones, and dignity doe tempt men, and eſpeciall women very ſore, and cauſe women to fall to lechery and folly. The Queene ſaid, a good woman would neuer bée tempted with gold or ſiluer, or other riches. I pray you Madam, ſaid Scogin, if there were a goodly Lord or a Knight, that would giue you forty thouſand pound to dally with you, what would you ſay to it? The Quéene ſaid if any man liuing would giue an hundred thouſand pounds, I would not léeſe my honeſty for it. Then ſaid Scogin, what if a man did giue you an hundred thouſand thouſand pounds, what would you doe? I would ſaid the Quéene, doe no folly for ſo much. Then ſaid Scogin, what if a man did giue you this houſe full of gold? The Quéene ſaid, a woman would doe much for that. Loe, ſaid Scogin, if a man had g [...]ods enough, he might haue a ſoueraigne Lady. For the which words the Queene tooke high diſpleaſure with Scogin. Wherfore it doth appeare, that it is not good ieſting with Lords or Ladies: for if a man be plaine, or doe tell the truth, hée ſhall be ſhent for his labour.

How Scogin when he ſhould haue beene beaten amongſt the Ladies and Gentlemomen, bad the ſtrongeſt whore of them all giue the firſt ſtroke.

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THe Quéene taking high diſpleaſure with Scogin, deſired of the King to haue Scogin puniſhed, The King ſaid, puniſh him as it ſhall pleaſe you. The Queene ſaid to her Ladies and Gentlewomen, get euery one of you a napkin, & lay a ſtone in it, and let halfe of you ſtand at the one ſide of the chamber, & the other halfe at the other ſide, & when that Scogin ſhall come through, you ſhal ſtrik him with your ſtones. Scogin was ſent for, and he ſéeing the Quéene, & the Ladies, and the Gentlewomen, ſtanding at euery ſide on a row, Scogin ſaid, ſhall we haue here a play, or a proceſſion? Nay knaue ſaid the Quéene, thou haſt diuers times played the knaue with me, and I haue licence of the King to puniſh thée as I ſhall thinke beſt: wherfore come hither to me, for euery Lady and Gentlewoman that is here, ſhall beat thée with ſtones. God forbid, ſaid Scogin, for then you will kill me; it were better that I did beat you with ſtones. But Madam, ere I haue this great puniſhment, let me ſpeak a few words ſhall I put off my rayment, and come naked among you? No, not ſo ſaid the Quéene, come through as thou art. And if I goe through you, ſaid Scogin, I ſhall kill you. Come forth ſaid the Quéen. I come ſaid Scogin, & the ſtrōgeſt whore [Page] of you all ſtrike the firſt ſtroke. The Ladies & the Gentlewomen looked one vpon another, one ſaid I am no whore, the other ſaid, I am as honeſt of my body as the beſt of you all, ſo there fell a contention among them Then Scogin ſaid, Madam & it like your Grace, will you command mée any more ſeruice? Goe knaue ſaid the Quéene, & bid thy wife come & ſpeake with me. Scogin ſaid, & it like your Grace my wife cannot heare, except you ſpeak very high: let her come ſaid the Quéen, and I will deale with her well enough.

How Scogins wife came to the Queene, and how Scogin was baniſhed the Court.

WHen Scogins wife came to the Court, ſhée was brought to the Quéene, the Quéene with a high voyce ſaid to Scogins wife, art thou Scogins wife? Scogin had ſhewed his wife before that the Queene could not heare, & ſhe cryed out to the Quéen, & ſaid, yea Madam, I am Scogins wife. The Queene cryed out to Scogins wife, and ſaid, if thou bée no honeſter then thy husband, it is pity that thou ſhouldeſt liue, wherfore counſel him that he do not raile ſo largely as hée doth with me. Scogins wife cryed out to the Quéen, ſaying and it like yeur Grce he wil not be ruled by me: why doſt thou cry out ſo loud ſaid the Quéen? Madam, ſaid Scogins wife, my huſband ſhewed me, that you could not heare. Why what a knaue is that, ſaid the Quéen, he told me [Page] [...] [Page] [...] [Page] that thou couldſt not heare. Alas, ſaid Scogins wife, I aske you mery, for I had thought you could not heare. Well, ſaid the Quéene, I will be euen with the varlet thy husband, for mocking thée & me. Whereupon the Quéene went to the King, ſaying; I pray your Grace that you would baniſh Scogin from the Court. The King ſent for Scogin, & ſaid thou haſt diſpleaſed the Quéen, wherefore I doe baniſh thée the Court, & if thou doe come hither any more, my hounds and dogs ſhall be ſet vpon thee. Scogin went his way, and within two or thrée daies he had got a quick hare & was going to the Court: when the Kings ſeruants had eſpied him, they ſhewed the King that Scogin was come to the Court. The King ſaid; take all the hounds and dogs, and ſet them vpon Scogin. Euery man did run, ſome with hounds, and ſome with dogs. Scogin made no great haſt. When the Kings ſeruants had eſpied him, they did maintaine their dogges to runne at Scogin. When the hounds were nigh Scogin, he caſt before them the quick Hare, and ſaid to the hounds; Now, now, whoreſons. The Hounds eſpied the Hare, and followed her, and left Scogin: ſo Scogin went to the Court, and the Hare eſcaped from the Hounds. The Kings ſeruants ſhewed what Scogin had done, whereupon the King ſent for Scogin, and ſaid, thou didſt caſt a Hare before my Dogges, when they were ſet vpon thée, goe and looke out the ſaid Hare, or [Page] elſe thou ſhalt ſuffer death. The ſaid Scogin, I can get you another quicke Hare, but it will bée hard for me to find out the ſelfe ſame Hare. I wil haue the ſelfe ſame Hare ſaid the King: why ſaid Scogin, I cannot tell where, or whither I ſhoud goe to looke him. The King ſaid, thou muſt looke him as well where he is not, as where he is. Wel ſaid Scogin, then I truſt to find him out: Scogin in the morning did goe vpon the Kings leades, & tooke with him a pickare and a great béetle, and ouer the King he tore vp the leades, and did beat down the battlement: ſome of the priuy chamber ſéeing this, went to Scogin, and ſaid; what art thou doing thou mad fellow? What am I doing, ſaid Scogin, I am doing the Kings commandement. Why ſaid the Gentleman, the King did not command thée to caſt downe his palace. Wel ſaid Scogin, if I doe otherwiſe then I was commanded to doe, ſhew your mind to the King. The Gentleman went to the King, and ſaid; Did you command Scoggin to caſt downe the battlement of your place, and to pull vp your Lead? Nay ſaid the King. The Gentleman ſaid, that Scogin was making a foule worke vpon the leades. Goe ſaid the King, & bid him come ſpeake with me. Scogin came to the King, which ſaid to him, why doeſt thou pull vp my lead, & caſt down the battlement of my place? Scogin ſaid, I was doing your commandement. My commandement ſaid the king? yea ſaid Scogin, & it like your Grace, for yeſterday [Page] you did command me vpon paine of my life, to looke out the Hare that I did caſt among your hounds, & I ſaid, I could not tell where I ſhould looke him: and you ſaid, I muſt looke him as wel where he was not, as where he was: and peraduenture he is crept vnder the leads of this place, or elſe ſome other of your places; and I will ſéeke & ſearch all the places in England, but I will find out the Hare. Nay, ſaid the King, thou ſhalt not doe ſo, for I charge thee vpon paine of thy death, to goe out of my Realme, and to tread vpon none of my ground here in England.

How Scogin in the French Kings Court, came to a Gentlewomans doore, and whined like a dog.

WHen Scogin was thus commanded by the King, hee got him into France, into the French Kings Court, & there he ieſted. And firſt there was a Gentleman which made a gentlewoman promiſe to come to her bed at nine a clock at night, he did promiſe to come to her chā ber doore, and would ſcrape & ſ [...]rtch at the doore like a dog, and would whine. Scogin hearing this bargaine, before nine a clocke came to the doore, and ſcrapt with his nailes, and did whine like a dog. Then the Gentlewoman did riſe and let him in; within a little while after, the Gentleman did come, and ſcrape & whine at the doore like a dog. Scogin aroſe and went to the doore, and ſaid, [Page] arre, arre, like another dog. And after that, the french Gentlewoman did loue and Engliſhman. Wherefore in ſuch matters, let a man make no body of his counſell, leſt he be deceiued.

How Scogin told the French men he would flye into England.

ON a time Scogin made the Frenchmen beléeue that hée would flie into England, and did get him many gooſe wings, and tyed them about his armes and legs, and went vpon an high tower, and ſpread his armes abroad as though he would flie, and came downe againe, and ſaid, that all his feathers were not fit about him, and that hée would flie on the morrow. On the morrow hée got him vp vpon the Tower, and there was much people gathered together to ſée him flie. Scogin did ſhake his feathers, and ſaid, all my feathers be not fit about me, come to morrow, & I will fly. On the morrow Scogin got vpon the Tower, and did ſhake his feathers, ſaying, Goe home fooles, goe home, trow you that I will breake my necke for your pleaſure? nay, not ſo. There was a French man had indignation at Scogin and he ſaid, to morrow you ſhall ſée mée flie to Paris. And he got him wings, and went vp vpon the Tower, and ſpread his wings abroad, and would haue flowne, and fell downe into the mote vnder the Tower. Euery man was diligent to get the man out of the water, [Page] and Scogin did take him by the hand, and ſaid, ſir you be welcome from Paris. I thinke you haue béene in a great raine. Here a man may ſee that one cannot haue a ſhrewd turne in playing the foole, but he ſhall haue a mocke for his labour.

How Scogin prayed to a Roode for an hundred French Crownes.

VVHen Scogin was at Paris, hée went to a Church, & knéeled down before the Rood, and made his prayers as hereafter followeth: O thou moſt bleſſed God, whom I haue honoured & ſerued all my life, take ſo much pity on me, as to giue me but a hundred french crowns, for now my néed is ſo great that I muſt needes haue ſo much, & no leſſe, for if I haue but one leſſe, I will not take it. Scogin ſtill continued his prayers, & wold haue no leſſe then a hundred french crowns The Parſon of the Church was in the Roodloft, and heard all his prayers, and thought hee would try him, whether he would doe as hee ſaid or no, and went & did ſtand behind the Rood, and caſt downe before Scogin one French Crowne: Scogin ſeeing this, was glad, and ſaid; O thou moſt bleſſed Lord, thou knoweſt that this will doe me but little pleaſure. Scogin continued ſtill in his prayers, and deſired the Roode to caſt him downe the reſt, declaring what great need he had. At the laſt when he ſaw there would no more be caſt downe, he ſaid, perchance, O Lord, thou haſt [Page] no more money here now, and therefore I will take this in part of payment, till thou haſt more ſtore: for I know, O moſt bleſſed Lord, that thou art ſo pitifull a Lord, that if thou hadſt ſo much here, I ſhould haue it, and then he tooke vp the french Crowne and went his way. When the Parſon ſaw this, he repented him that he had caſt downe the French Crowne, and ſaid; If I had thought thou wouldeſt haue had it, I would not haue caſt it downe to loſe it ſo eaſily.

How Scogin was new chriſtened, and confirmed a knaue by the French Biſhop.

THere was a Biſhop in France, which was of the French kings Priuy Counſell. This Biſhop had a man, whoſe name was Peter Arcadus: This Peter Arcadus fauoured Scogin much becauſe he was ſo merry, in ſo much, that hee got Scogin to be his chamberfellow, through whoſe procuration Scogin came in fauour with the Biſhop. And on a time, Scogin in his ieſting ſaid, that the Biſhops noſe was ſo long, that hee could kiſſe no body: for which the Biſhop was angry, and commanded him to come no more within his gates. Then Scogin went and bought a couple of Woodcocks, and becauſe he could not be ſuffered to come in at the Biſhops gate, he got a long pole or rafter, the which he laid ouer the mote or ditch of the Biſhops houſe, intending to come vnto the Biſhop, and giue him the woodcocks for a preſent. As Scogin was halfe way ouer the rafter [Page] ſlipt, and he fell into the Mote: at laſt, Scogin got out, and came in where hee found the Biſhop at dinner, and ſaid; If it pleaſe your honour, here I haue brought you a couple of Woodcockes. The Biſhop ſeeing him, ſaid, why thou knaue, I commanded thée to come no more within thy gates. Scogin ſaid, I came not in at your gates, for I came ouer your mote, where I was new chriſtened, and now you haue confirmed me a knaue, ſo by this meanes I muſt néeds be a knaue: Therefore I deſire you my Lord, not to bee diſpleaſed, although I play the knaue. Where at the Biſhop and all that were in the houſe laughed, and then the Biſhop ſaid, I will pardon you for this time, ſo that hereafter you will be an honeſt man.

How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Phyſicke.

THere was one Maſter Cranwood a Doctor of Phyſicke in Paris, and hee in a morning did fetch from a Gold-ſmith a ſiluer Cup, the which he had bargained for the day before, and he payed for it 26 french crowns, the which when he came home, he deliuered to his wife, and bad her ſet it vp in her bubbord, and he told her hee would goe viſit his patients All this Scogin ſaw, and drew ſo néere to the Doctor, that he heard what he did ſay to his wife, and when he was gone to his patients, Scogin went to the market and bought a Pickerell, for it was on a ſriday, and came to miſtres Cranwood the Doctors wife, and ſaid, Miſtreſſe, your Husband here hath ſent you here a [Page] Pickerell, which he doth deſire you to make ready againſt dinner, for he intendeth to haue one of his friends to dine with him to day, and he prayeth you to ſend him by me the ſiluer cup that hée bid you ſet vp in your Cubboord, for he will haue the Gold-ſmith graue his name in it. Miſtreſſe Cranwood deliuered to Scogin the Cup, who incontinent went home to his chamber-fellow Peter, and told him what hee had done. When the Doctor came home, and did ſée ſuch good chéere, hee asked his wife where ſhée had the Pickerell: ſhée ſmiled on him, and ſaid, ſir you know well enough, for you ſent it mee in the morning by him that brought you your ſiluer Cup. Why ſaid the Doctor, I ſent you no Pickerell, nor no body brought me my ſiluer cup: yes that you did, ſaid his wife, for he that came for it, ſaid, that you would haue your name grauen in it. When the Doctor did perceiue that hée was deceiued of his Cup, he began to chafe with his wife, and at the laſt ſaid, I trow he might well giue a Pickerell, ſéeing he hath for it my ſiluer Cup, which coſt 26 Crownes.

How Scogin and three or foure more deceiued Tapſter.

ON a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow and two or thrée of the Biſhops ſeruants being merrily diſpoſed, conſult how they might haue good chéere and pay no money, and euery one inuented a way as they thought beſt. At laſ [...] [Page] Scogin ſaid, I haue inuented a cleanly ſhift: At the ſigne of the Crowne againſt Peters Church, is a new Tapſter, which ere this hath not ſéene any of vs, and he is alſo purblind, ſo that if he ſée vs hereafter, he cannot know vs Therefore wée will goe thither and make good chéere, and when we haue a reckoning, we will contend who ſhall pay all, then will I ſay to auoid the contention, that the Tapſter ſhal be blinded, and we wil run round about him, and whoſoeuer he catcheth firſt let him pay for all, and ſo we may eſcape away. Euery man liked Scogins deuice beſt, ſo in concluſion they came thither, and had good chéere, for they ſpared no coſt: ſo that in the end their reckoning drew to ten ſhillings. Then as Scogin had deuiſed afore they did. The Tapſter was blinded, ſo they ran round about him, and fiſt Scogin got out, and then another, ſo that at the laſt they got all away, and left the tapſter groping in euery place about the houſe for him that ſhould pay the ſhot. The maſter of the houſe being in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the ſtamping that they made, came in to ſée what they did, whom the Tapſter caught in his armes, ſaying, ſir you muſt pay the reckoning. Marry ſaid his Maſter, ſo I thinke I muſt indéed, for here is no body elſe to pay it. Then the Tapſter and his Maſter ſought and enquired for Scogin, and the reſt, but they could neither [...]nd them, nor heare newes of them.

How Scogin deceiued the Poulters wife.

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ON a time the aforeſaid Biſhop ſhould feaſt diuers French Lords, and hee gaue vnto Peter Archadus (Scogins chamber-fellow) twenty French Crownes to beſtow at the Poulters, in Feaſant, Partridge, Ploner, Quaile, Woodcock, Larke and ſuch other: and becauſe Scogins chamber-fellow had great buſines to do, he wrote all ſuch things as he would haue bought in a bill, and deſired Scogin to beſtow the money, who was well contented. When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his mind how hee might deceiue ſome Poulter, and ſo to haue the money to himſelfe. At laſt hee came to a Poulter in Paris, and ſaid, ſir, it is ſo that my Maſter the Abbot of Spilding, doth feaſt a great many of his friends, and I muſt haue ſo many of euery ſort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the bill be priſed reaſonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them, and you ſhall haue your money. The wares were laid out and prized, and the ſum came to ſixe pound and odde money. Then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter, and aſked if euery thing were ready. Yea, ſaid the Poulter, & here is your bill reaſonably prized. Then ſaid Scogin, let ſome body goe with me for to receiue your money: the Poulter ſaid, my wife ſhal goe with you. Scogin went to S. Peters Church, [Page] where there was a Prieſt that had on his Albe, and was ready to goe to Maſſe: Scogin went to the Prieſt, and ſaid; Maſter, here is a woman that will not bee perſwaded that her Husband ought to be her head, and I haue brought her to you, to the intent you ſhould perſwade her. The Prieſt ſaid, he would doe what he could. I thanke you, ſaid Scogin. Then Scogin came to the woman, and ſaid, if you will haue your money, come to my Maſter, and heare what he doth ſay. Then Scogin came to the Prieſt, and ſaid, Maſter, here is the woman, will you diſpatch her after Maſſe is done? yea, ſaid the Prieſt. Then ſaid Scogin to the woman, you heare what my maſter doth ſay, therefore I pray you ſend me by ſome token whereby I may receiue the wares. The woman ſent him by a true token, and then Scogin did hire two Porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters houſe, and did carry it to his chamber: when maſſe was done, the Prieſt called the Poulters wife vnto him, and asked why ſhe would not acknowledge her huſband to be her head? Why, ſaid the woman, I cannot tarry to reaſon of ſuch matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that I were gone: wherfore ſaid the Prieſt? the woman ſaid, for wares that your man hath receiued. What man, ſaid the Prieſt? he that ſpake to you when you went to maſſe: the Prieſt ſaid, he is none of my man, and he ſaid to me, that you would not bee perſwaded [Page] that your husband ought to be your head. What maſter Abbot ſaid the woman, you ſhal not mock me ſo, I muſt haue 6 pound & 8 ſhillings of you for wares that your man hath receiued, for you promiſed to pay me when you went to maſſe. I am no Abbot, ſaid the Prieſt, nor none of my men neuer receiued any thing of you, nor I promiſed nothing when I went to maſſe, but that I would perſwade you to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and ſo the Prieſt went his way. The woman perceiuing that ſhee was deceiued, went home to ſée if Scogin had receiued the ware and he had receiued them, and was gone an houre before. Then both ſhe and her husband ſought for Scogin, but they could not find him.

How Scogin deceiued the Draper.

WHen Scogin ſhould be made Maſter of Art, he wanted mony to buy his apparell, and he muſed in his mind what ſhift he might make. At laſt hée went to London to a Draper, and ſaid, ſir, it is ſo, that I haue a maſter which is Deane of Wels, and he would haue foure gowne clothes of ſundry colours, but they muſt bée ſad colours, and fine cloath, and he muſt haue thrée paire of hoſe clothes and lining; and I pray you make me a bill of the price of euery thing, and to morrow you ſhall haue mony. On the morrow in the morning Scogin went to Pauls Church, & hée did ſée a luſty Prieſt come in with two or three [Page] ſeruants, and did ask where he might ſay maſſe, & when the place was appointed, Scogin did run to the Draper, & ſaid, Sir, you muſt come or ſend one to receiue your money, for my maſter wil ſay maſſe, & then in all haſt he muſt goe to Weſt m [...]nſter, therefore let one of your ſeruants cut off the cloth. The Draper & Scogin went to Pauls, and by that time the Prieſt had on his Alte, ready to goe to maſſe. Scogin went to the Prieſt, & ſayd, maſter, it is ſo, that I haue a friend here which is troubled with a chin-cough, and he & I deſire you that after maſſe he may haue thrée ſups of the chalice, & for your paines he doth pray you to come to him to breakfaſt. The Prieſt ſayd, I am pleaſed, I will doe your deſire Then Scogin went to the Draper, & ſaid, ſir, come & heare what my maſter doth ſay. Then Scogin ſaid to the Prieſt, maſter, here is the Gentleman, will you diſpatch him when maſſe is done? yea, ſaid the Prieſt. Then ſaid Scogin, here is your bill of accounts, now ſend me to your ſeruants, by what token I ſhall receiue that which my maſter hath bought. The Draper ſaid, by the ſame token that I did tell them yeſternight, that if they wold not take héed in time, they ſhould neuer thriue. Upon this token all the ſtuffe was deliuered to Scogin, and he caried it to the Carriers, and ſent it to Oxford. When the maſſe was done, the Prieſt called the Draper, & ſaid, Gentleman come hither to me, if you will haue 3 ſups of the chalice, ſit downe on [Page] your knees. Why, ſaid the Draper, ſhould I ſup of the Chalice? and wherefore ſhall I ſit down on my knées? Marry ſir, ſaid the Prieſt, your ſeruant, as I ſuppoſe, did come to mee before maſſe, ſaying, that you had the chin-cough, and that you would haue thrée ſups of the chalice, to bee mended of your diſeaſe. The Draper ſaid, Maſter Deane of Welles, you ſhall not mocke mee ſo, I muſt haue 13 pound of you for clothes that your ſeruant hath of me for foure gown clothes, & thrée hoſe clothes, and lining for them, & here is a bill of euery parcell, & you ſaid before maſſe that I ſhold haue it. What, ſaid the Prieſt? Money, ſaid the Merchant. Nay, not ſo, ſaid the Prieſt, I am not Deane of Welles, nor I neuer bought nor ſold with you, & you ſhall haue no money of me, for I promiſed nothing before maſſe, but 3 ſups of the chalice, & if thou wilt haue that, take it, or els fare ye wel. A fart for thy 3 ſups of the chalice, ſaid the Draper giue me my mony. I owe thee none, ſaid the Prieſt, nor none ſhalt thou haue of me. The Merchant could not tel what to ſay, but hied himſelfe home to ſeeke for Scogin, which was gone. Then ſaid the Draper, I trow wee haue ſpun a faire thraed, where is the man that ſhould haue the cloth? The ſeruants ſaid, ſir, he hath it, and is gone. Which way, ſaid the Merchant? We cannot tel, ſaid his ſeruants. Why, ſaid the Draper, did you deliuer him al the ſtuffe? yes, ſir, ſaid they, becauſe you ſent vs a true token. Then ſaid the [Page] [...]raper, I would I had béene ware my ſelfe firſt, for if I make many ſuch bargaines I ſhall neuer thriue.

How Scogin told a ſhoe-maker hee was not at home.

THere was a ſhoe-maker in Paris, which was a widower, and he was not very wiſe, of him Scogin bought all his ſhooes, and on a time Scogin came to the ſhoe-makers houſe to ſpeak with him. The ſhoo-maker was at dinner, and bad his maid ſay that he was not at home. Scogin by the maids anſwer perceiued that her maſter was within, but for that time he diſſembled the matter, and went home: ſhortly after the ſhoo-maker came to Scogins chamber, & asked for him; Scogin hearing the ſhoo-maker enquire for him, ſaid aloud, I am not at home. Then ſayd the ſhoo-maker, what man thinke you that I know not your voice? why, ſaid Scogin, what an vnhoneſt man are you: when I came to your houſe, I beleeued your maid that ſaid, you were not at home, and you will not beleeue me mine owne ſelfe.

How the aforeſaid ſhoo-maker gaue Scogin forty ſhillings to haue his houſe made greater.

THe aforeſaid ſhooe-maker married a rich widow, whereby his houſhold was greatly encreaſed. And on a time Scogin came thither, and séeing that he had ſo many ſeruants, and much houſhold ſcuffe heapt vp in euery corner of his houſe, ſaid that he had need haue a greater houſe. [Page] Yea, ſaid the ſhoe-maker, I would ſpend forty ſhillings that the houſe were butthrée yards broder: Scogin ſaid, giue me the money, and you ſhal haue it made as broad as you will. Hold ſaid the ſhoo-maker, here is the money. Then Scogin cauſed one of the ſhoo-makers horſes to be tied to the houſe ſide, and got a chaire with whéeles in the feet, wherein he bad the ſhoo-maker ſit, and ſayd, when the houſe is as you would haue it, ſpeake. Scogin bad one of the ſhoe-makers men that he ſhould make the horſe draw a little, and he himſelfe ſtood behind the ſhoo-maker, and euer as the horſe drew, Scogin would pull the chaire to him that the ſhoo-maker did ſit in, and asked him if the houſe were broad enough yet. The ſhooe-maker for the noiſe that the horſe made with drawing, and for Scogins talking, did not perceiue how Scogin did pull the chaire, but thought that the horſe did pull the houſe broader. When Scogin had drawn the chaire a good way, the ſhoo-maker ſaid, this ſide is broad enough, now let the other ſide bee drawne out as much. Then Scogin tied the horſe to the other ſide of the houſe, and turned the chaire, and cauſed the ſhoo-maker to ſit in it againe, and did as he had done before, & drew the chaire a good way back, ſaying is the houſe broad enough yet? the ſhomaker ſaid, yea; I thanke you it is as broad as I would haue it. Then Scogin had the ſhoo-makers man ſet vp his horſe, & he tooke his chaire and went his way.

How the ſhomaker would haue made his houſe greater, and brake downe the one ſide of it.

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VVIthin two or thrée dayes after this, the ſhomaker thought to make his houſe greater, & cauſed the horſe to be tyed to the houſe ſide againe & he himſelfe ſate downe in a chayre in the midſt of the houſe, to ſée when it was broad enough, and bad one of his men to make the horſe draw. The horſe pulled, but the houſe was neuer the broader. Then the ſhomaker cauſed another horſe to be tyed to the houſe ſide. Then both the horſes drew ſo much, that they pulled downe foure or fiue poſtes of the houſe, which cauſed the tiles to fall, ſo that the ſhooe-makers head was broken in two or thrée places. Then the ſhomaker was faine to beſtow a great deale of money in mending his houſe, and at the Surgeons for healing his head. After this he met with Scogin, and told him what a great miſchance hee had. Why ſaid Scogin, when it was well you could not let it alone.

How Scogin told the French King that hee could not doe two things at once.

ON a time the French King and Scogin did ride together, and the King ſaid to Scogin, why doſt thou not ſpeake? Why ſir, ſaid Scogin, will you haue me doe two things at once? will you haue me ride and ſpeake too? nay, ſayd hee, that were too much: for it is hard to ſerue two [Page] Lords, and two Maſters, and pleaſe doth the parties.

How the French King had Scogin into his houſe of office, and ſhewed him the King of Englands picture.

ON a time when the French King went to his ſtoole, hée did take Scogin with him: then ſaid the French King to Scogin, looke behind thee who is pictured on the wall. Scogin looked, and ſaid; it is a faire picture. The King ſaid thou maiſt ſee what I doe make of a picture of thy King. Scogin beheld the picture of the King of England, and ſaid to the French King; Jeſu Chriſt, here is a wonderfull thing, what would you doe if you did ſee the King of England in the face as he is, when that for feare you doe beſhite your ſelfe, when that you looke but vpon a picture of him? Then the French King baniſhed Scogin out of France, and he came into England againe.

How Scogin put French earth into his ſhooes, and came into England.

WHen Scogin was baniſhed out of France hee filled his ſhooes full of French earth, and came into England and went into the Kings Court, and as ſoone as hee came to the Court, the King ſaid to him, I did charge thee that thou ſhouldeſt neuer tread vpon my ground of England: [Page] It is true, ſaid Scogin, and no more I doe. What Traytour, ſayd the King, whoſe groūd is that thou ſtandeſt on now. Scogin ſaid, I ſtand vpon the French Kings ground, and that you ſhall ſee, and firſt he put off the one ſhooe, and it was full of earth, then ſaid Scogin this earth I brought out of France: Then ſaid the King, I charge thée neuer to looke me more in the face.

How Scogin came to Cambridge, and how hee deceiued the poore folkes.

AFter the King had commanded Scogin to looke him no more in the face, hee went to Cambridg [...] ▪ and through one Maſter Euerid that was his friend, he got him a chamber in Ieſus Colledge: ſo on a time about Mid-ſummerfaire hee lacked money, and at laſt hée got him a paire of crutches, and a patched Cloake, and took a coard, and bound vp one of his legs behind him, and went to Barnwell with his crutches, like as if he had lacked one leg, and came among the poore folkes like a ſtout beggar And after he had beene there a little while, hee would néedes kéepe all the money that was gotten, and at the end of the faire, he ſaid, it ſhould be parted equally among them all. At laſt with much adoe they were contented: ſo when the faire was almoſt ended, Scogin ſaid to the poore folke, I muſt goe into that corne and eaſe me, and I will come againe [Page] by and by. Scogin went into a Rye land, and put off his cloake, and vntied the coard that he had bound his leg with, and ranne as faſt as he could to Ieſus Colledge. The poore folkes eſpied him, and followed after him as faſt as they could: ſome that had not gone without crutches a long time before, had almoſt ouertaken him. Scogin was there before them, and had the key of his chamber, and had put on other apparell, by that time the poore folkes were come to the Colledge, and were ſearching in euery place for him. At laſt Scogin came out of his chamber to them, and ſaid; what doe you all here? Marry, ſaid they, there is a naughty man that hath deceiued vs of all that wée haue gotten this Faire time, and hee came running into this Colledge, and for him doe we ſeeke. What manner of man is he, ſaid Scogin? ſir, ſaid one of them, if your maſterſhip would not bee angry, I would ſay you were as like him as euer any man might be. Well, ſaid Scogin, you muſt get you away, for you let vs of our ſtudy. The poore folkes went their way, curſing him a hundred times that had ſo deceiued them.

How Scogin rode to New-caſtle with Maſter Euerid, and what talke hee had with a fellow that kept Oxen.

AFter that Scogin had béene at Cambridge a little while, his friend Maſter Euerid [Page] would goe to New-caſtle, (to take poſſeſſion of certaine houſes) and hee ſaid to Scogin; If you will goe with mée to New-caſtle, I will beare your coſt and charges. Scogin was content, and went with him, and when they were within twelue miles of New-caſtle, Scogin did ſee a fellow that was kéeping of Oxen, that ſat vnder a buſh clouting of his ſhooes. Scogin ſaid to the fellow, How far is it to New-caſtle? I cannot tell ſaid the fellow. Then ſaid Scogin what is it a clocke? The fellow ſaid, hee could not tell. Then ſaid Scogin, what Towne is this before vs? I cannot tell, ſaid the fellow. Then Scogin thought he had béene a foole, and ſaid, didſt thou not ſée an empty cart come by this way, with two great milſtones in it? The fellow ſaid, no. Then Scogin laughed, and was riding away. The fellow called him againe, and ſaid; Sir, I did not ſée no ſuch cart as you aske for, come this way, but here came a naked boy by, with a white loafe in his boſome, and a ſtraw in his arſe to picke your téeth. Scogin rode his way, and ſaid nothing, whereat Maſter Euerid and his men laughed.

What ſhift Scogin made for bootes, and how hee deceiued two ſhoo-makers.

VVHen Scogin ſhould ride home againe his bootes were nought, and hee could not tell what ſhift to make. At laſt hee deuiſed [Page] what he might doe: whereupon he ſent his man for a ſhoo-maker to bring him a paire of Bootes. The ſhoo-maker brought the bootes, and when hee had pulled on the right foot boote, and was pulling on the other boot, Scogin ſaid, it was maruellous ſtrait, and that it did pinch his leg: wherefore hee prayed him to cary it home, and ſet it on the laſte an houre or two: for (quoth he) I haue a thing to write that will hold mee two houres, and all that time I will ſit and write, & kéepe this other boot on my leg ſtill vntill that be ready. The ſhoo-maker tooke the boot and went home, as Scogin had bidden him. When the ſhoo-maker was gone, hée ſent his man for another ſhoo-maker, and cauſed one to pull off the boot which the firſt ſhoo-maker had pulled on When the other ſhoo-maker was come, Scogin cauſed him to pull on the left boot, and when hee was pullin [...] on the right foot boot, Scogin found fault with it, as he did with the firſt ſhoo-maker and ſent him away in like ſort: when hée was gone, hée cauſed his man to make ready their horſes, and hee pulled on the boot againe, which the firſt ſhoo-maker had left behinde him, and ſo he rode away with the two bootes of two ſhoo-makers: ſhortly after the ſhoo-makers came and enquired for Scogin, but hée and his man were gone, almoſt an houre before.

How Scogin ouertooke a Prieſt and kept company with him, and how he and the Prieſt prayed for money.

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WHen Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelue miles on their way, hée ouertooke a Prieſt that was riding to London, to pay his firſt fruits, with whom hee kept company vntill he came to Stamford, and all that way as they rode, Scogin made the Prieſt very good chéere, and would let him pay no money, ſo that Scogin had but two ſhillings left: and riding betwéene Stamford and Huntington, Scogin complayned him to the Parſon in this ſort: I maruell maſter Parſon (quoth he) how men doe when they want money, to get it? For when I want money, I know not how to get any, except I ſhould ſteale. No, no, ſaid the Prieſt, doe you not know that they that ſerue God well, doe not want, and how that God promiſeth, that if you call vpon him in your afflictions, that hée will helpe you? You ſay well maſter Parſon, ſaid Scogin, and rode before: and when hée ſaw a faire place, hee knéeled downe and lifted vp his hands, and prayed to God, till Maſter Parſon and his man did ouertake him, but nothing hée could get: when they were come, hée told them he prayed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once againe, and then if I can get nothing, [Page] both you Maſter Parſon and my man ſhall helpe me to pray, for I doe not doubt but God will helpe ſomething, when hee heareth allour prayers. And then Scogin did ride before againe, and when hee ſaw his place conuenient, hée alighted him from his horſe and tied him to a trée, and knéeled downe, and prayed as hée had done before, vntil ſuch time as they came to him. Then ſaid the Parſon, How doe you now Maſter Scogin? By my troth, ſaid he, I can get nothing, wherefore alight ſirra, quoth hee, to his man, and tie your horſe to yonder trée, and then hée went to the Parſon and tooke his horſe by the bridle, and told him hee muſt needes helpe him to pray. The Parſon for feare durſt not ſay him nay, but alighted, and tooke his capcaſ [...] from the ſaddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man how much money hee had in his purſe? He ſayd, twenty pence By my troth, ſaid Scogin, and I haue but twoſhillings, and how much haue you Maſter Parſon? ſaid hee. The Parſon thought that if hée had told him all, hée would ſurely haue borrowed a good part of it, and hée ſaid, fiue pounds Well, let vs pray hartily, ſaid Scogin, and the [...] they knéeled downe, and prayed for the ſpac [...] of halfe an houre: and Scogin ſaid, let vs ſée whether God haue heard our requeſt, or no And then he looked in his own purſe, where wa [...] but two ſhillings, & then hee looked in his man [...] [Page] purſe, where was but twenty pence Then Scogin came to the Parſon, and ſaid: Now Maſter Parſon let vs ſee what you haue, for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers, and tooke the Prieſts capcaſe and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty [...]ounds in it, which the Parſon ſhould haue paid for his firſt fruits: Then Scogin ſpread his cloake abroad, and powred out the money, and when hée had told it, hee ſaid; By Lady Maſter Parſon God hath heard our prayer: and then hee gaue him fiue pounds, and ſaid, Maſter Parſon, here is the fiue pound that thou had before wee began to pray, and the reſt we will haue: for I ſee that you are ſo well acquainted with God, that with praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more: and this will doe vs great pleaſure, and it is but a ſmall matter for you to pray halfe an houre. The Parſon deſired Scogin to let him haue the reſt of the money, for hee ſaid that hée did ride to London to pay his firſt fruits. Well ſaid Scogin, then you muſt pray againe, for wée will haue this, and ſo they rode away and left the Prieſt behind them: and the Prieſt was faine to ride home againe for more money.

How Scogin came to the Court like a monſtrous beaſt, and ſhould haue been hanged.

SCogin was weary of Cambridge, and could not tell how to doe, becauſe the King had [Page] commanded him to looke him no more in the face. At laſt he got him a Beares foot, and an Oxe foot, and tyed them vnder his feet, then he tooke a horſe foot in one of his hands, and his other hand ſerued for another foot, and Scogin lay about the Court, and on a certaine night there ſell a ſnow. Scogin within halfe a mile of the Kings place, went with his aforeſaid thrée feet, and his hand which ſerued for the fourth foot, and when hee had ſet a circuit, he went into an old houſe, where there was an ouen, and hee crept into it, and ſet out his arſe. In the morning the trace of this monſtrous beaſt was found, and well was he that might firſt come to the Court to tell the King what a monſtrous beaſt this ſhould bee, that the one foot was like a Beares foot, and the other like an Oxe foot, and the other foot like a horſe foot, and the other like a mans hand. As ſoone as the King heard of this, hee called his hunters to goe with him to find out the trace of this monſtrous beaſt. And that found, there was a great yelping of hounds, and blowing of hornes, and at laſt the hounds did come to a bay. The King and the Lords pricked forth their geldings, and rode to the old houſe, and looked into the ouen, and Scogin did ſet out his bare arſe. What knaue is this, ſaid the King? I ſir, ſaid Scogin, whom your charged not to looke you in the face, wherefore I muſt needs turne mine arſe to you. Well [Page] knaue, ſaid the King, thou ſhalt bee hanged for this pranke doing. Scogin leapt out of the ouen, and pulled vp his bréech, and ſaid; I deſi [...]e your Grace, if I ſhall be hanged, let me chuſe the tree I ſhall be hanged on. I am content, ſayd the King. Foure men were appointed to hang Scogin, Scogin had prouided a bottle of wine, and ſucket, and marmalade, and gréene ginger and ſaid to them that ſhould hang him, Maſters, the Kings Grace hath giuen mee licence (as you know) to chooſe what manner of Tree I ſhall hang on, and in the Foreſt of Windſor be goodly trees, and thither will I goe. Scogin went before them, and euer looked vpon many okes and trees, and euer was eating of his ſucket, and marmalade, and gréene ginger, and dranke ſtill on his bottle, ſaying, God knoweth the pangs of death are dry. When night was come, and the men being all day without meate and drinke, fainted, and ſaid, Good Scogin, the night draweth on, and we haue eaten no meat to day, and where we ſhall lye to night we cannot tell: chuſe one tree or other to bee hanged on. O Maſters, ſaid Scogin, make no haſte for my hanging, for it would grieue the beſt of you all to bee hanged. Scogin wandred about here and there vntill it was a good while within night. Then ſaid Scogin, here is a faire tree, let vs goe lye vnder it all night. The men ſaid, wee are ſo faint that wee cannot tell what to doe. Well, ſaid Scogin, you [Page] ſéeme to bee honeſt men, goe to your King, an [...] haue me commended to him, and tell him that I will neuer chuſe a trée to bee hanged on: and ſ [...] fare you well. Hee is a mad man that may ſaue his owne life, and will kill himſelfe.

How Scogin asked the King and Queene forgiueneſſe.

SCogin ſeeing that hee had loſt the fauour [...] the King & Quéene, hee muſed how he might be pardoned of the King and of the Queene. Hee heard ſay that the King would ride a progreſſe and at a conuenient place, Scogin ſaid to his ſeruant, caſt a couerlet ouer me, and ſay that I am dead, and ſay that at my departure, I deſire thee to pray the King and Queen to forgiue me. When the King and Queene did come by, Scogin lying vnder the couerlet by the high way, h [...] ſeruant ſaid, Here doth lie Scogin dead, & whe [...] hée departed, hee prayed both your Graces to forgiue him. Now (ſaid the King and Queen) Go [...] forgiue him, and wee doe: Scogin ſtart vp, an [...] ſayd, I doe thanke both your Graces, and hereafter I will no more diſpleaſe you. For I ſee it [...] more harder to keepe a friend, then to get one.

How Scogin told the Queene what a great ſtud [...] he was in.

AFter that Scogin had got his pardon [...] the King & of the Quéen, as it is rehearſe [...] [Page] he vſed honeſt ieſting with the King and Quéen. And on a time before the Queene hee ſtood in a great ſtudy. Whereon doſt thou muſe Scogin, ſaid the Queene? Muſe, ſaid Scogin, I am muſing on a matter that would trouble any mans braines liuing: for it maketh mee to ſweat on the browes to bring it to paſſe. Tell me, ſaid the Quéene the matter. I ſhall, ſaid Scogin: Euery man telleth me, that our Parſon is my ghoſtly father, and that the Church is my mother, then would I faine know, what kin I am to the ſtéeple? The Queene ſaid, thou muſt néeds be alianced to the ſteeple. I thanke your Grace, ſaid Scogin, for you haue brought mee out of a great doubt.

How diuers Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogins houſe to make merry.

ON a time diuers Gentlemen of the Court ſaid to Scogin, Gentle maſter Scogin, wee would laugh, and therefore we will come to your houſe to make merry, and wee will tarry all night, ſo that you will prouide for vs beds and horſe meat: you ſhall not lacke, ſaid Scogin. The Gentlemen came to Scogins houſe, thinking that Scogin had prouided all things neceſſary for them. When they were come to his houſe, there was no manner of prouiſion, neither for horſe meat, mans meat, nor lodging. Scogin ſeeing his friends were come to his houſe, ſaid, [Page] Maſters, you be welcome, and that is the beſt chéere that I haue: and as for meat for you, I haue it not at this time, but onely an apple, and therefore I pray you not to be diſcontented, conſidering the old prouerbe in Latine is, Dat p [...]ra vel poma, qui non habet alia dona. The which is to ſay, he that hath no other gift, muſt giue an apple or peare: I ſay, ſayd Scogin, I haue at this time no better cheare, therefore I pray you bee contented with your fare. Why ſaid the Gentlemen, haue you meat for our horſes? Maſters all, ſaid Scogin, I haue a houſe, but I haue no land; I haue neither hay, graſſe, nor corne, nor paſture, vnleſſe it bee in the Church-yard, and there I haue ſeuen foot that I doe challenge, therefore let your horſes goe there. Then ſaid the Gentlemen, how ſhall wee doe for our beds and lodgings? Maſters all, ſaid Scogin, as for beds care not, for I haue enough for you all Then wee care not, ſaid the Gentlemen: haſ [...] thou beſide thy apple, any drinke? yea, ſaid Scogin, as good as any is in the well. Why then ſaid the Gentlemen, bring vs to our beds: that I will, ſaid Scogin, which did bring them to his garden, ſaying, Maſters, chooſe euery man his lodging in theſe beds, for theſe bee the beſt bedsthat I haue. Then one Gentleman ſaid, we [...] came hither to laugh, but I ſuppoſe wee ſhal weepe ere wee haue done. Here a man may ſ [...] that the thing which men doe ſuppoſe; God dot [...] [Page] diſpoſe, and let no man thinke that there was neuer ſo great a flood, but there may bee as low an ebbe: And in this caſe is to be conſidered, that no man can aske more of a man then hee is able to doe.

How Scogin fell ſicke of a perillous cough.

THe time was come that Scogins dayes drew to an end, who was infected with a perillous cough. His Phyſitians did counſell him neither to eat cheeſe nor nuts. And why ſo, ſaid Scogin? The Phyſitian ſaid, for ſuch things doe cauſe and prouoke coughing. Nay, ſaid Scogin, that cannot be ſo, for a ſhéepe doth neither [...]ate cheeſe nor nuts, and there is no beaſt liuing [...]hat hath the cough ſo much: then ſaid the Phy [...]itian, if they did or [...]ould eat it ſuch things [...]ould augment and increaſe their infirmity. [...]herefore it is good to refraine from contagi [...]us meats and drinkes, according to the infirmi [...]y of a mans diſeaſe.

How Scogin was ſhriuen and hoſted.

SCogins ſickneſſe increaſed more and more, and he ſent for the Prieſt to bee ſhriuen and [...]oſted. The Prieſt comming to him with the Sacrament of the Altar, ſaid, Maſter Scogin [...]ere I haue brought to you our bleſſed Lord God in forme of bread that dyed on the Croſſe [...] all ſinners, doe you beleeue in him? Yea, [Page] ſaid Scogin, or elſe would I were burnt at a ſtake. Then ſaid the Prieſt, ere you doe receiue him, you muſt be contrite of your offences, and bee ſhriuen, and recogniſe your ſelfe a ſinner. That will I gladly, ſaid Scogin: Hee being ſhriuen, and being penitent, receiued the Sacrament deuoutly, and that done, Scogin ſaid, good Lord, I doe thanke thee for all thy benefits: but Maſters, I tell you all that ſtand about mee, if I might liue to eat a Chriſtmaſſe pye, I care not then if [...] dye by and by after: for Chriſtmaſſe pyes be good meat. Here is to bee noted that a man is loath to dye, although there be no remedy, and he that can reioyce him in God, and in mirth without ſin, that man is happy.

How Scogin deſired that hee might bee buried at the Eaſt ſide of Weſtminſter.

SCogin waxing ſicker and ſicker, his friends aduertiſed him to make his Teſtament, and to ſhew where he would lye after hee was dead: Friends, ſaid Scogin. when I came into this World, I brought nething with me, and when I ſhall depart out of this world, I ſhall take nothing away but a ſheet: take you the ſhéet, and let mee haue the beginning againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray you that I may be buried at the Eaſt ſide of We [...]minſter, vnder one of the ſpouts of the leads, for I haue euer loued good drinke all the dayes of my life: [Page] and there was he buried. Whereas now the [...] ancient and ſapient King Henry the ſeuenth [...] build the moſt ſumptuous Chappell in the [...] whereas the ſaid ſapient King doth lye, as [...] [...] ſéemeth an armipotent Prince and King to lys.

What Scogin ſaid when the holy Candle was pu [...] in his hand.

VVHen the extreame pangs of death came vpon Scogin, the holy Candl▪ was put in his hand to bleſſe himſelfe. When Scogin had done ſo, in ſurrendring thankes to God, hee ſaid, now the [...]rouerbe is fulfilled, that he that worſt may ſhall hold the Candle, for euer the weakeſt is thruſt to the w [...]ll.

FINIS.

[Page]

Information about this book

Title statement

The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke.Scoggin's jests. Part 1.

Edition statement

1626

Publication

Publisher

Text Creation Partnership,

Place of publication

Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) :

Date

2005-12 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1).

ID [DLPS]

A68702

ID [STC]

STC 21850.7

ID [STC]

ESTC S101656

ID [EEBO-CITATION]

99837464

ID [PROQUEST]

99837464

ID [VID]

1786

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Early English books online.

Notes

(EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A68702)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 1786)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1006:09)

Source

— The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke., Scoggin's jests. Part 1., Boorde, Andrew, 1490?-1549., Scogan, John, fl. 1480..

Extent

[4], 92 p.

Printed [by Miles Flesher] for Francis Williams,. London :: 1626.. (Printer's name from STC.) (An edition of: The jestes of Scogyn.) ("30 lines a page."--STC.) (Formerly STC 21852.) (Identified as STC 21852 on UMI microfilm reel 1006.) (Reproduction of the original in the British Library.)

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