WEll! I see I must be gone, there is no Remedy.

Why what is the matter Good-Housekeeping?

Pox take thee (if thou hast it not already) 'tis long of thee that I must trudge, for when Pride came up Good-Housekeeping went down; when Pride came in Fashion, Good-Housekeeping was Banisht the Nation.

Ha, ha, ha, why thou inconsiderate fellow, dost thou not know that I am respected and esteemed by the whole Nation, from the Lord to the Lout, from the City-Madam to the Country-Milkmaid, and how thou art shut out of doors to make room for me.

Now the foul ill light upon thee for so displacing me, who for­merly was respected and entertained by the chiefest and best of all the Nation, when a Lasty Old Knight, and a boon brave Squire went attended with ten, twenty, or thirty proper Serving-men, all now Epitomized to a two or three Animals, viz. a Butterfly-Page, a trotting Footman, and a stiff-drinking Coachman; when my Lady Minikin takes such a thrifty Order, that all the meat in the Kitchin shall be cheaper than the washing and Painting of her Visage; when you may sit a cold by the Kitchin-Fire, and the Hooks of the Buttery-door grow rusty for want of opening. Well fare the heart of Poor Robin, who in his Almanack of 1684. plainly described this change from better to worse.

Here you see, you Butterfly Upstart, that this Author (well known all England over, and who I warrant you would entertain me kindly, had he but an Estate to maintain me) imputes the cause of my expulsion only to you, for Pride's intrusion is Good-housekeepings confusion, and the Money that should go to buy Beef, Pork, and Mutton, to feast the Poor at Christmas, is employ'd on Ribbons, Knots, and Towers, to make the Baby Pride a pretty Puppet.

Why thou Techy Envious Out-cast, know'st thou not how many Trades live by me, and have all or most of their dependency from me? were not I so much in request, the Mercer, Silkman, Silk-weaver, Taylor, Embroiderer, Perriwig-maker, Feather-maker, and most of your Tradesmen in the Exchange, might shut up shop and keep Holy-day for any thing they would have to do.

And thou foreman of the Seven Deadly Sins, how many thou­sand poor People fare the worse for want of me: besides the de­triment done to Butchers, Cooks, Poulterers, Fishwives, Butlers, Serving-men, and hundreds more besides, who by my Banishment are some of them quite undone, and the rest much Empoverish'd in their Trades? But here comes my old friend Christmas, I know that he will take my part.

Why how now Good-Housekeeping! you and I have been great strangers of late; what Fantastick is this you are talking with?

Why this is the great Favourite of the times, Monsieur Pride.

Ah Good-Housekeeping, what brave times have thou and I known formerly, when men kept not only great Houses but large Kitchins, and those Kitchins gave employment for three or four Cooks; the Master of the House being one that wore no other Shirts but of the Flax that grew on his own Ground, and of his Wives, Daughters, or Servants spinning; whose Stockings, Hose, and Jerkin, were [Page 4] of the Wool of his own Sheeps backs; who never by his Pride of Apparel, caused Mercer, Draper, Silkman, Taylor, or Haberdasher, to break and turn Bankrupt; and yet this plain home-spun fel­low, would keep and maintain half a hundred Servants or more, and every day relieve three or fourscore poor People at his Gate; and every year when Christmas came to Town, invite three or four hundred of his Neighbours to dinner, where they should not only feed but feast, and not feast but banquet.

These were men whose greatest care was to practise the Works of Piety, Charity, and Hospitality; and not the consuming Art of Fashionless Fashions: They never tried their strength to carry four or five hundred Acres of Land at their Back at once: Then was soft Cloathing only in Kings Courts, but now you know not my Lady from her Maid; and it would make a Horse to break his Crupper with laughing to see Jone Fiddle-Faddle, whose Portion a­mounts not to two Groats and two Pence, yet deckt up with Rib­bons and Towers as fine as a Bartholomew-Baby, after she is come from Church (whither she went only to shew her fine Cloaths) with a Swill-Pail in her hands serving of Hogs.

Marry and they are to be commended; to go brave is the only way to get them Husbands, and when they are Married let their Husbands look after it to maintain them.

That man who is sped with such a Wife, had far better to mar­ry one made of Gingerbread, for when he is an-hungry she will serve to fill his Belly, and no more then need, for since so much is laid out upon the Tail, there is little Provision made for the Mouth.

Much less to entertain Neighbours at Christmas, at which time formerly you might smell the scent of Roast Beef and Minc'd-Pies [Page 5] a Quarter of a Mile off from a Gentlemans House, and hardly get to the Gate for the Crowd of Beggars; when the Porter would welcome ye to the House with a Pray walk in Sir: But now you may catch you a heat with knocking at the Gate, for all the Fire in the Kitchin Chimney will scarcely do it. So now Cooks are out of Employment, Butlers turn'd out of Doors, a Servingmans Dinner two Sprats and a half, and the Trencher-scraper no work to do, because there no Trenchers are foul.

A very thrifty way, like the man that starv'd his Cattle to save Provender.

I'le justifie it, there has been more spent in excess at one Christ­mas, then would maintain all my Children in fine Cloaths a whole Year after.

Your Children with a Murrain! and who knows not that the Off-spring of Pride comes from the Lineage of Lucifer, a goodly Pedigree indeed, which if rightly considered,

Then should Men be Honoured and Reverenc'd for their Boun­ty, Liberality, Good-Housekeeping, and other Vertues befitting a Gentleman, and not for a tawdry out-side.

Well, for all this Upstart Pride is now in such request, I hope to see good days once more, and Christmas come in fashion again, and Cooks be employed in their Old Trade of Boyling, Broiling; Roasting, Toasting, Slicing, Brewing, Baking, Frying, Mincing, Cutting, and all to employ People in eating: for a Cook is then a Man of great repute, as being Monarch of the Marrow-Bones, Duke of the Dripping-Pan, Marquis of the Mutton, Lord High Regent of the Spit and the Kettle, Baron of the Gridiron, and Sosle Commander of the Frying-Pan.

Now I'le be judge by all the poor People in England, if to spend two hundred Pound in good Housekeeping at Christmaas, be not more becoming a Gentleman, then to carry five hundred Acres of [Page 6] Land on his back in a Suit of Cloaths, for which he gains no other praise but only to be said to be more Proud then wise.

This Sin of Pride we find the English to have been formerly too much addicted unto, as we may read in the Book called Eulogium, set forth about the time of King Edward the Third. The Commons (saith that Author) were Besotted in excess of Apparel, in wide Sur­coats reaching to their Loins, some in a Garment reaching to their H [...]els, close before and strouting out on the sides, so that on the Back they make Men seem Women, and this they call by a ridiculous name, Gown: Their Hoods are little, tyed under the Chin, and Button'd like the Womens, but set with Gold, Silver, and Precious Stones: Their Lirripipes reach to their Heels all jagged. They have another Weed of Silk which they call a Pal­tock; their Hose are of two Colours, or Pied with more, which with Latchets which they call Herlots, they tie to their Paltocks without any Breeches. Their Girdles are of Gold and Silver, some with 20 marks, their Shooes and Pattens are snowted and piked, more then a Finger long, crooking upwards, which they call Crackows, resembling the Devil's Claws, which were fastned to the Knees with Chains of Gold and Silver, and these (saith my Author) were Lyons in the Hall, and Hares in the Field; too fine for to fight.

But this Pride was only used by Rich men, for Poor People could not go to the cost of it: but now every Tom-Ladle, and Jill-Flurt do so flaunt it with Towers, Ribbons, and other gew-gaws, that you do not know Jack from a Gentleman, nor Minks the Maid from her Lady or Mistress.

I wish all Skip-Jacks who are of that proud humour, were served as Sir Philip-Calthrop served one John Drakes of Norwich. This Knight bought on a time as much fine French Tawney Cloth as should make him a Gown, and sent it to the Taylors to be made. John Drake coming to the Taylors, and seeing the Knights Gown-Cloth lying there, liking it well, caused the Taylor to buy him as much of the same Cloth and Price to the same Intent, and bad him make it of the same Fashion that the Knight would have his made of. Not long after the Knight coming to the Taylors to take measure of his Gown, perceiving the like Gown-Cloth lying there, asked of the Taylor whose it was? Quoth he it is John Drakes the Shooemaker, who will have it made of the self-same fashion that yours is: In good time [Page 7] (said the Knight) I will have mine made as full of Cuts as thy Shears can make it, to which the Taylor agreed; and in short space made them both up, it being against Christmas Day: but when John Drake saw his Gown so full of Cuts, he began to swear at the Taylor for making his Gown in that sort. I have done nothing (quoth the Taylor) but that you bad me, for as Sir Philip Calthrop's is, so have I made yours. By my Latchet quoth John Drake, I will never wear Gentlemans fashion again.

Indeed he was served right in his kind, for Englishmen know not what fashion to follow: as was well intimated by Doctor Bourd, who painted for an Englishman a Proper fellow naked with a pair of Taylors Shears in one hand, and a piece of Cloth on his Arm with these Rhimes.

Say what you will, and do what you can, yet still shall I be re­spected. Do not you know that many will pinch their own bellies to maintain me, and make Lute-strings of their Guts to clad their backs in Bravery! and can you think that those who will starve themselves to uphold me, will feast others for the name of good Housholders; surely your over-feeding hath made you forgetfull: how many young Worthies will pawn their Honesty to maintain their Finery, and to make their Tail fine, will make use of their Tail, although they be whipped for it at the Carts Tail.

Indeed Pride and Leachery are two fit Companions,, and both e­qually destructive to Good-Housekeeping: to maintain which two Vices Good-Housekeeping is laid aside, and Christmas grown quite out of date, nay they cannot afford so good a Fish Dinner as was at the Counter-Scuffle.

Ha, ha, ha, I had thought my costly Mistress Good-Housekeeping, had my dainty Dame Christmas, had been vanished away in a Fume of Tobacco, or hurried out of England in a Coach, for ever since they were known, the other came to be invisible.

Hereupon Good-Housekeeping vanished away, and Christmas became a meer Skeleton or shadow, having little more left then the bare Title and Name: with the thought whereof the Spits and Drip­ping-Pans in most Houses grow rusty; and the Caldrons which u­sed to be filled with Beef, Pork, and Mutton to feast Good Fellows, now grow Canker'd; upon consideration of which, that those ne­cessary utensils belonging to Good-Housekeeping might not be spoil'd for want of use, the Author thought good to send a Hue and Cry after the said Good-Housekeeping as follows.

Whereas an Ancient, Reverend, Late Worshipful Gentleman, formerly a great retainer to Noblemen, Knights, and Gentlemen, and much respected amongst the Honest Yeomen and wealthy Far­mers of the whole Country, known by the Name or Appellation of Good-Housekeeping: hath by the sly insinuations and bewitched persuasious of an upstart Skip Jack called by his true name Pride, but by his Friends and Adorers by the name of Decency and Hand­someness: Most unjustly and unworthily hath justled, persecuted, and made to fly the said Good-Housekeeping from his Ancient Habitations, and Places of residence, together with his old friend Christmas, with his four Pages, Roast-Beef, Minc'd-Pies, Plumb-Pudding, and Furmity, who used to be his constant Attendants, but now are grown so invisible they cannot be seen by poor People, nor good Fellows as formerly they used to be. These are therefore to desire, will, and require you, if any Person can tell where this Good-House­keeping doth reside, that he will desire him personally to appear this Christmas in Noblemens, Knights, Gentlemens, and Yeomens Houses as formerly he used to do, whereby he will gain great Cre­dit to all the aforesaid Persons, and shall be Entertained with the Ringing of Bells, Sounding of Trumpets, Beating of Drums, and Acclamations of all Good People.