POor Robin was born in Saffron Wal­den, in the County of Essex, of ho­nest plain Parents, who brought him up not as our nice Dames do now adays, by ejecting of him how much he should eat, but as the fashion was then, full fed with gross meats; to that in few years he grew a sturdy Lad and considering his growth and manners, a man might well say, Better fed than taught: His Father being willing he should be able to live in the World another day, [...]ound him an Apprentice to a [Page] Sadler, one who fitted Robins humour to a hair; for the Master loving strong drink, he thought it should go hard if the man likewise did not sometimes wet his lips with it. It fortuned one time his Master had brewed a Barrel of Beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking up of which poor Robin one night in­vites five or six of his Comrades, who before the next morning drank it all up: Poor Robin to excuse himself draws the Spigot out, and throws a Pail full of small Beer, and two or three Pails full of Water under the Tap, and by a wile gets a great Sow into the Cellar; so the next morning when his master arose, all was quiet, and the Sow was blamed for what the Boar-Pig had done.

POor Robins Master had gotten a Custom that the man did not like of, which was that after he had tippled all day, (sometimes till ten or eleven a Clock at night) he would then come home, and fall asleep in a Chair: during which time his man must not go to Bed, but wait until his Master awaked. Poor Robin to break him of this evil Custom: one night when his Master came home soundly fuddled, and [Page] fallen asleep in his Chair, as he was used to do, he made a great fire, and then draws his masters Legs so near thereto, that his Toes touched some of the Coals; which being done, he sits him down in the other corner, to observe the se­quel: long had he not sate, but his masters Shooes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad: the man all this while Counterfeits himself asleep, nor would not seem to awake for a good space: at last seeming much to pitty his Masters misfortune, they went to bed: but never after that would his master sit up again to sleep in his Chair.

IN the same Town lived a Rich Miser, who had wealth enough to have been Treasu­rer of the Town, and Wisdom answerable for a Beadle of a Parish: this man fuller of faith than good Works, would neither feast the Poor, to relieve their wants, nor yet the Rich, to maintain Brotherly Unity. Poor Robin, who hated bad house-keeping as he hated the Devil, resolved to put a trick upon him, the time of year (being then Christmas) made fit for his purpose, and counterfeiting himself to be the Gentlemans man, about ten or eleven a [Page] Clock at night, just when people were in Bed, he calls at sundry mens doors, inviting them the next day to his Masters (naming the Gentle­mans name) to Dinner; whereupon the next day appeared the number of two and twenty in their Roast-meat Apparel, but contrary to their expectation, finding small preparation towards a Dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them: the Gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came: at last the truth being cleared on both sides, some laugh'd, and some frown'd, and so they all departed home.

POor Robin having served out his Appren­tiship, would needs set up for himself, and thereupon hires him a House and Shop; yet considering it was inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than one, he resolv'd to do as many others have done, marry in haste, though he repented at leisure. But yet his fortune was better than his de­serts: for though she were but a homely Wo­man with▪whom he joyned in Matrimony, yet was she provident to live in the World▪ and for his own part, he stood not much upon beauty, but had rather have a fat Purse than a fair Wife, seeing there was great profit in the [Page] one, and less danger of being made a Cuckold by the other; never did couple agree more lovingly together than did this pair at first; insomuch, that Duck and Lamb were the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her: Whereupon a Wit▪ of the Town hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this Epigram to be read by any that can understand it.

POor Robin having set up for himself, (as you have heard) he would oftentimes travel abroad into the Country, to get acquain­tance amongst the Gentry; it happened one time, being belated homeward, and his Brain intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his Quarters in a Country Ale­house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jag before, yet fell he to drinking of Beer and Sider as if his belly▪ were bottom­less: at length growing sleepy, he went to [Page] bed, where it was his chance to be lodged in the same Chamber where one of his Ac­quaintance was already in Bed: who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the next morning was he sooner got up, providing a Pot and a Toast ready against poor Robin a­rose, but a foul mischance befell poor Robin in the mean time, for the Wine, Beer, and Syder not agreeing together in his Body, he very mannerly (sir reverence) beshit the Bed. Whereupon not knowing what to do, and being loath to be discredited, a Crotthet came in his Crown, which he presently put in Execution: he takes the stinking Sheets from off his own bed, and lays them on his Friends, and then takes his and lays them on his own bed: so spreading the Coverlid, as if nothing were amiss, he makes himself ready, and down Stairs he goes; no sooner was he below, but his friend Arrests him at Mr. Fox's Suit, and by all means would make him pay his Groat for being drunk; poor Robin excused himself as well as he could, and would be judged by his Landlord whether he was fuddled or no; whilst they were thus brangling about paying the Groat, the Maid went up into the Chamber to make the beds; but▪ finding the one of them in a pittiful pickly, she came chafing down, calling [Page] the man beastly fellow, and nasty Knave, with other Billings-gate Language, such as came first at her tongues end, the man imagined her to be mad, thus to scold for nothing, till in the end she told him in plain terms, he had be­shit the bed. La ye now, quoth poor Robin, I will be judged by my Landlord, whether of us was most fuddled last night: Truly, said the Host, I can judge no other ways but that he was, else would he never a plaid such a nasty Trick: Whereupon it was adjudged by all the company that the man should pay his Groat, and poor Robin go scot-free.

IT hapned on a time during these late un­happy Warrs, that all the Essex Train-Bands were assembled at Walden, to Resist the Kings Forces, who in a Bravado had made their Excursions as far as unto Hunt­ington: amongst other Military Weapons of Destruction, they brought with them a Drake, which they planted just under poor Robin's Chamber window, to be shot off at nine of the Clock in the night, for a warning to all people to repair home. Poor Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to Bed: now it is to be understood, that the Chamber [Page] where they lay went but half way over the Room below, a Rail of about some four foot high being set up by the side to [...]ep them from falling, close by which Rail was poor Robins Bed: the season then being indifferent warm, and poor Robin apt for Uenerial Exercises, he would needs have a touch upon Cracket with his Wife, but whilst they were busie at their port, the Drake was shot off, which poor Sa­rah his wife hearing▪ in a marvellous fright, gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin quite over the Rail into the Room below, and very fouly be wrayed the bed, poor Robin himself much bruised in body, and half dead, at length got up, but his Courage was so cooled with the greatness of the fall, that he had more mind to go to a Chyrurgion than a wench.

POor Sarah on a time had made a very great Pye, wherein she had put a whole Loin of Mutton, besides store of other Meat, so that it was valued to be worth fiue or six shillings at seast; this Pye she sent to the common Oven to bake, which being perceived by three or four mercy Blades, they resolved if they could possibly to cheat her of the Pye, which at last [Page] they brought to pass, in this manner: at such time as the Baker used to draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a Tale, whilst the other sent one of her Neighbours boys to the Bake-house with a Peal, a Nap [...]in, and Money for the baking. The Baker mistrusting no Knavery, delivered the Boy the Pye, which was presently carried to the next Ale-house, whither inviting some more of▪ their Companions unto them, with much mirth and laughter they eat it up: and because the iest should be publique­ly known, they set the Cryer to work, [...] published the same in euery. Corner of the Town.

POor Robin having been out very late one night, his understanding being Eclips'd, he mistook himself, and went in at the Beds-feet instead of the head of it: where remem­bring how by his ll husbandry he had offen­ded his Wife, to appease her anger, he falls to kissing her posteriors, imagining it had been her Mouth, but finding the platform big­ger than his face, he asks her the question if her Cheeks were swell'd: she for answer returns him a Foist, which made him to ask [Page] her again, if her breath did stink: whereupon she bursting out in a very great laughter, let fly such a crack, that the grains flew about his face: whereupon in a great rage turning him on the other side, You beastly quean (quoth he) must you spit in my face, the Devil himself shall kiss you, e're I will kiss you again.

AS poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than to fish, so of all sorts or flesh he lo­ved a dish of Lambs-stones best: a merry-dis­posed Companion knowing his Appetite, re­solved to put a trick upon him: a Gentleman of the Town who kept a park of Hounds, having gelt his Dogs, he gets the Stones, and with a few Swéet-kreads, presents them to poor Re­vin as a dainty dish. Poor Robin very thank­ful for so great a kindness, would not stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could for fear any should come in to be parta­kers with him in his Dinner: but having eaten them and understood the truth, he fell on spew­ing as if his Gall would come up with it: Poor Sarah in like manner disgorged her Stomach. that who should have seen them, would have concluded them drunk with eating.

THe Bleu Regiment of Train Souldiers being on a time at Walden, one of the Serjeants to show his bravery, had gotten a great Bleu Scarf about his middle, being as much or more than the Ensign had in his Co­lours. Poor Robin thinking him to be too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer upon him: and calling to him, asked if he wanted any work, why, quoth the Serjeant, what makes you to ask? O, cry you mercy, quoth poor Robin, I was mistaken in you, I took you at first for a Shoo-maker, because you had gotten your Eleu Apron before you.

POor Robin with some other of his Mates, being drinking in an Ale-house where was an exceeding tall Hostels, one of them proffered to lay five shillings, (because poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss her as [Page] he stoo [...] upon the ground: Poor Robin nothing daunted at his words, accepted the challenge and covered the Money: but when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not reach much high­er than her Apron strings: Whereupon pro­ffering as though he would put his hand under her Coats, he made her stoop to put it by; then he clasping his Arms about her neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager.

POor Robin being in company with some Gentlemen, who were talking of the Am­bition of many men now a days, that would venture the loss of their Souls for the gaining of a Kingdom: yea, (quoth poor Robin) but the success of many of them is far different from King Saul's: for he in seeking for Asses found a Kingdom: and they in seeking a King­dom, find themselves to be Asses.

POor Robin having never been at London in his Life, and very desirous to see the City. whose same rang so soud in every Mans mouth, he resolved to make a Journey thither, and spend some time in viewing the Ra­rities of the same: but because he was unac­quainted [Page] with the City customs, he got a com­panion of his to go along with him: no sooner were they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he whispered with his friend, Certainly (quoth he) they must néeds he all drunkards that lives in this place, I ne­ver saw so many Ale-houses together in my Life: and thereupon beckoning to his Com­panion, enters into one of the Shops, and calls for a Jugg of Beer: but they making him acquainted with his errour, how they Sold no drink, but if he wanted any thing else they could furnish him with it: he presently without any studying, asks them to shew him a pair of Hedging Gloves: whereupon chang­ing their opininion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering Companion: and to fit him for his Gloves, had him to the Pump, and soundly vedrencht him from the head to the foot. Yet notwithstanding this [...]art [...] En­tertainment at first, having occasion to go through Birching-Lane, and being asked by the Sales-men, Country-man, what lack▪ you? Marry, quoth he, that which I fear you cannot furnish me withal: and being importuned by them to know what it was, Why, (quoth he) that which you have none of, I mean Honesty. Night approaching, Poor Robin and his walking Mate repaired [Page] to their Inn, where after they had supt, and drank five or six Juggs of Beer with the Host of the House and some of his men, (for Inn­keepers servants drink most of their Beer at other mens cost) his Friend loving no To­bacco, and poor Robin himself defying that Heathenish Weed, to pass away the time, they agreed amongst themselves, that every one of the Company should either tell a Tale, or sing a Song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in this manner.

NOt many Ages since, a Parson of a Country Uillage, was accused to a Committee that he was a great Gamester at Cards: being so addicted thereunto, that he would oftentimes play on Sundays: the Com­mittee thus informed, sent forthwith for the Parson, to answer his accusation: who receiving the Warrant, made no excuses or delay, but with all the haste he could, made his appearance before them; with whom also came the Infor­mer to justifie his Accusation. Being thus met together, the Committee began to school the Parson, that one of his calling should be ad­dicted to such Uice, as to be noted for a Common player at Cards. Indeed, said the Parson, I am so far from the same, that I do not know [Page] what a pair of Cards meaneth. Sir, qd. the In­former, if you please to search his Pockets, I believe you will find a pair there at this pre­sent, for he seldom goeth without such tack­ling; whereupon the Committee commanding his pockets to be searcht, they found a pair of Cards there indeed: but the Parson denied them for to be Cards, saying, they may be Cards to you, but to me they are an Almanack: and be­ing demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: First (quoth he) here is as many suits of Cards as there be quarters in a year; and as many Court Cards as there be months in a year; as many Cards as there are weeks in a year; and as many spots as there be days in a year. Then when I look upon the King, it puts me in mind of the alle­giance that I owe to my Soveraign Lord the King, looking upon the queen, puts me in mind of the like Allegiance that I owe to the Queen; the ten puts me in mind of the ten Command­ments, the nine of the nine Muses; the eight of the eight Altitudes; the seven of the seven liberal Sciences; the six of the six days we ought to labour in: the five of the five Sen­ses; the four of the four Evangelists; the three of the Trinity; the two of the two Sa­craments: & the Ace, that we ought to worship but one God. Truly, quoth the Committee, [Page] if this he all the use you can make of them. I can sind no great fault with you; but Mr. Parson, of all the Cards that you have nomi­nated, you have forgotten the Knave, pray what use make you of him? O sir, said he, pointing to him that was his accuser) that I suppose is your Worships Informer.

NOt long after, poor Robin having been late abroad amongst his Pot-companions and being elevated with Béer, he resolved once more to counterfeit himself a Gentlemans man, at the same time was a very deep Snow, whereupon he calls at a Bricklayers house, tel­ling him his Master (naming a Gentleman that lived some two mile off, and where he knew that Bricklayer used to work) would have him come on the morning, and bring. a bunch of Lath with him, to mend up a seiling which the Snow had broken down; the next morning the Bricklayer got up be times, and with a bunch of Lath on his shoulder, went to the Gentlemans house, being each step almost up to the knees in Snow, but the weather was not more cold than his entertainment, for the Gentleman thinking he came to jeer him, swore at him like a Cut-purse. Whereupon the poor Bricklayer was forced to go home again like a fool as he came.

VVE don't use to Wad in Scotland as you wad in England; Jocky comes to the Kirk, & takes sir Donkyn by the Rochet and says good morn sir Donkyn. What's the matter Jocky, what's the matter? a Wad­ding, a Wadding says he, Deant you see the Hoppets and the Skippets, and all the Lads of the Gang? Ise do, Ise come to you be­lieve. Then Sir Donkyn Gangs to the Kirk; I spee, and I spee; ho a Deal do you spee? Jocky of the high Lane, and Jenny of the long Cliff: if any know why these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak, or hold their tongues in the Deals Name. Jocky, wilt thou ha Jenny to thy wadded Wife? I sha, Jocky san after me, I sha; Jocky wilt thou ha Jenny to thy wadded Wife, forsaking all Soons, Lubbar-loons, swig-bellied Calves, black Lips, and blew Noses? ay forsooth. If these twa be not as well wadded as e're I wadded two these seven years, the Deal and St. Andrew part them.

The wadding being ended, all the company went to bed; where we will leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robins pe­rambulation about the City.

NO sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the Eastern Horizon, but poor Robin shaking off melaneholly sleep rouzed his com­panion to prepare himself for their intended perambulation: and having armed themselves with a pot of happy Ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal Exchange, a most magni­ficent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham, from thence they went to take a view of Lea­den Hall, but, the exceeding bravery of the Ex­change had so dimned the beauty of this place, that was nothing pleasing to poor Robins eye, he made no tarrying there, but went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the Ly­ons, and from the Wharf taken a superficial view of the Bridge, as also of some Ships, up­on the River of Thames, weary of beholding such triaial matters as these, he had far more devotion to go see a Puppet-play; where for one penny charges he saw that which gave him far more content than any thing he had seen before, so admirable pleasing to his fancy was it, to see how those little pretty things hop'd about: but lest he should take a surfeit with such ravishing delights, his Friend perswaded him to go see the ancient Cathedral of St. Paul, being at that present made a [Page] Horse-guard by the Souldiers, which poor Robin beholding, What blessed Reformation, quoth he, have we here, for in our Country can we scarce perswade men to go to Church, and here comes men and horses too; but ha­ving quickly satisfied themselves with the sight of Pauls, they would in the next place to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at that present Term time; where be­holding such a number of Lawyers in their Gowns, Good God, said he, send me safe out of this place, if two or three make such a quar­ter in our Town, certainly there would be no abiding there for men in their wits. A Coun­try Gentleman over-hearing hint, I remember (quoth he) I over-heard a story of a certain man, that went down into Hell, wherein he beheld men of all professions, age, and conditi­ons, saving only Lawyers, which made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and asking the Devil the reason thereof, he made this reply, We have them here though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a Room by themselves, least they should set all the devils in Hell at variance. Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied his mind concerning London, he returned to his Inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he returned home.

POor Robin daily frequenting the Tavern and Alehouse, had learned of his Compa­nions many drunken Whimsies and other odd Conceits, as the five properties that belongs, to an Host, that He must have the Head of a Stag, the back of a Nag, the Belly of a Hog, skip up and down like a Frog, and lye and fawn like a Dog. As also. four ingrepients whereof a womans tongue is made, viz. The sound of a great Bell, the wagging of a Dogs tail, the shaking of an Aspen-leaf, tempered with Running Water. These following Pa­radoxes were also very often rehearsed by poor Robin.

Spurs would be out of fashion were it not for Horse-coursers.

True men would be scarce, were not Tay­lors so plentiful.

Many men are fore'd to climb the Gallows, yet few like Dogs are hanged for their skins.

A Miller is a right time-observer, for he evermore turns with the Wind.

A silent Woman is a Creature to be admi­red, (if scarceness may breed admiration.)

When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes happened, he would [Page] be then playing the Poet, and nothing but rhime should come out of his mouth; for as one writes:

Amongst other of his Conceits, this fol­lowing Comparison was much used by him.

Women, said he, are all in extreams, ei­ther too willing, or too wilful; too forward, or too froward; too courteous, or too coy; too friendly, or too fiendly, the mean they al­waies meanly account of. This made [...] a Ruler in Carthage, refuse to [...]; saying. If I marry a Wife, she will be wilfull, if wealthy, then wanton; if poor, then [...]; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then loathsome, and the least of these is able to kill a thousand men.