IN the year 1635 when I was yet very young being not (at the most) full nine years old, the Lord was pleased through the preaching of his word (as I con­ceive) together with my fathers repeating and farther pressing it home upon our spirits, to begin to work upon my heart, and to give in some kind of desires after the best things; whereupon I began to take some delight in hearing the word, but most of all in reading to my self, in which I then spent many hours if not whole dayes: the Lord setting the one and the other so home upon my spirit, as to convince me both of my sinful and mise­rable condition by reason of my continual breach of his holy lawes, and grieving the spirit of my parents, the which was much set home upon me by reading Mr. Dod upon the commandements and the like treatises, whereupon I had a temptation to curse the day of my birth, which in some measures I consented unto, often wishing that I had ne­ver been born, or at the least had dyed from the breast, as I saw some of my Brothers, esteeming their condition to be much better than mine, they never living to commit any actual sin, and therefore (as I then thought) should without all doubt go to Heaven, but for my self I did really think and fear that I [Page 3] should certainly go to Hell; then being put out to board for a quarter of a year to one who pretended much skill and ability for the cure of some weakness that I then lay under, which being a very profane family, although I was yet very young, yet being so contrary to those wayes I had been brought up in (to come now to hear continual cursing, and swearing, and prophaning the Lords day, and being forced to be in their company not dar­ing by reason of those fears I then lay under to be alone, and so sometimes prevailed with (once or twice) to play upon the Lords day,) I thought my self all this while to be in the belly of hell, being thereunto condemned by my own conscience, so that I could re­ceive no contentment in all the fulnesse of those outward things which I there enjoyed, but was restless untill I got home again being yet only convinced of my actual evills.

But when the Lord was pleased, by the ministery of his word, and other private in­structions going along with it to convince me in some measure of my original corrup­tion that I brought into the world with me; then did the Lord inable me, to see that all my former desires would have been nothing, but that I might even then have gone to hell as well as afterward: whereupon I was [Page 4] much troubled, and very desirous to read and hear all the marks of a righteous man that should go to heaven, and accordingly I got a book called Mr. Roger's evidences, and an other called the Touchstone of true Grace, an other called None but Christ, and divers others; which I did daily read on for many houres together.

Then came the Divel upon me with this temptation, that I should keep all this my trouble to my self, and not discover it to any, although never so neer or deer unto me, which temptation I wholly yeilded unto, and that for many years toge­ther, until I even destroyed my bodily health with continual troubles, fears and sadness, but not discovering any cause of it; so that all the support I had, was what the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by hearing and reading, which he was pleased to make effe­ctuall still to lead me on, though with much trouble and sadness: then in the beginning of these troubles being in the year 1638. or 1639. I being some 12 or 13 years old, which being times of great fears and sadness, the people of God met often and spake one to an other, and kept dayes of humiliation, and seeking the Lord in the behalf of the nation and his poor people in it, my parents often [Page 5] going to these meetings, but not daring to tell me it, the times being so dangerous; at last having often observed the frame of their spirits at such times more especially, I began much to long and desire to know whi­ther they went, and being very importunate with my Mother to that end, and at last pre­vailing, she was content to let me go along with them, which was so pleasing to me that ever after I continued to go with them every week almost, and sometimes oftner; where I found often much refreshment, especially bearing up my heart under those eminent dangers, which in an especial manner we lay open unto; which the Divel perceiving to be agreat incouragement to me in the way I now desired to walk in, used many tem­ptations working together with the corrupti­ons of my own heart, in this estate of my childhood, to hinder me from enjoying these opportunities; as some times sleepi­ness, being fain to go early in the morning and cold, it being in the deep of winter, &c. with several other temptations, as the danger if we should be taken, as some had been, and all this to discourage me: which sometimes he well nigh accomplished, but pondering it sin my minde, and being inabled to conceive it to be but a temptation, I durst very sel­dome, [Page 6] if ever, give way to them but was still inabled to break thorough. Though truely I have much admired since, how my spirit was carried out in those dayes in joyn­ing in prayer, &c. how exceedingly some­times my heart was wrought upon and con­strained to pour forth teares and groanes, yea my heart was wrought up to such a frame, and I found so much sweetness (as I apprehend­ed) in the company of the saints, and those enjoyments my soul felt in such duties, that I thought I could freely and cheerfully lay down my life with them, more freely than I fear I could long since.

Master Love then coming to London and sometimes meeting him at these private meetings, and so having some knowledg of him, and being afterwards chosen Chaplain to my fathers Regiment, and so going to Windsor with us, about the year 1642. and so living in the house with us, for 2 years a half, who at our first going perceiving much sad­ness to lye upon my spirit, and knowing by experience what a troubled spirit was; (he having formerly laine under it for divers years,) did at last seriously burthen me with it, which coming upon me in such a nick of time, (having but a little before been reading in a little book that I had, wherein [Page 7] I was directed that if any trouble lay upon my spirit I should reveal it that so I might receive satisfaction; which pondering with in my self) I durst not deny it but tell him in some measure the ground of my trouble, and he endeavouring to satisfie me from the word; which he had no sooner done in any measure, but still the Divell begins with new and fresh temptations, and when what had been said to me was a little out of my mind (which he would soon find occasion to put out) then comes he over with the old temp­tations again, working them fresh upon my thoughts, endeavouring still to drive me to despaire of ever receiving any mercy of God. Then stood I convinced from the word and divers instruction I met withall grounded thereupon, that it was my duty to perform private duties as well as publick, as prayer, meditation, examination, and the like, which I knew not how to set about in a serious manner being every way unfit for it and un­able to it, so that often through neglect and mis-performance this also added to my trou­ble and sadness.

Then hearing Mr. Love preach upon that Scripture, Mat. 5. 20. For I say unto you, Except your righteousness shall exceed the righte­ousness of the Scribes and Pharisees you shall in no [Page 8] wise enter into the kingdome of heaven. And hearing how farre the Pharisees went in the performance of duties and avoiding of evills, &c. which I saw my self so short of, which made me conclude, I should also be short of heaven, my eyes & understanding being then with-held from the right understanding of the spiritual sense of that Scripture, (which since the Lord of his rich grace hath inabled me to see fulfilled in the Lord Jesus, who is mine through faith.)

A while after he did also preach upon that Scripture, in Heb. 12. 15, 16, 17. Looking diligently, lest there be any fornicator, or pro­fane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birth-right. For you know, how that after­ward when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repen­tance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Upon the hearing of which it was suggested to me that I had never sought the blessing so diligently, carefully, and importunately as profane Esau did, and therefore should much more go without it; the thoughts of w^ch scri­ptures among divers others, struck so deep in me that it much increased my sadness, so that I could take little delight in any thing in the world, but as often as I could refusing to go into any company, choosing rather a solitary [Page 9] life, yet still endeavouring to keep all to my self, making nothing known but only those daily bodily weaknesses, which did also ac­company me in great measure.

In this condition I continued for that time I was at Windsor, being often condemned in my own conscience, for my neglect of du­ties and commission of sin, &c. And what ever had at any time been spoken to me in way of comfort (by Mr. Love, who one­ly was acquainted with my fears) it tooke no hold upon me at all, nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken; for, the truth is. I was then too remisse in tak­ing notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me, not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul, which since, through grace, he hath been pleased more evidently to de­clare.

Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little in­structed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion, I had now a new tempta­tion besetting me in this manner; that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known du­ties, whether hearing, prayer, meditation, exa­mination, &c. That then I might more com­fortably [Page 10] look up unto the Lord, and also find in my self divers qualifications, annexed to several promises, which might much com­fort me, which work I began to set about, indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it, and according as I was able, desiring the Lords assistance, and withall making him ma­ny promises, that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus.

But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing, sometimes through temptati­on to neglect or put off duties for a time, which was occasion'd many wayes, sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like, all which, weighing in my mind, did stil augment and increase my trouble, finding this strict course (though yet I could not keep close to) to be a burthen to me, with many such wicked thoughts, whereby I came to apprehend my self, as it were, still farther and farther from heaven, and happiness, in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort, unless taken from my desires, which I could not apprehend constant neither.

But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances. I had some smal comfort, finding (as I thought) some quali­fications in my soul which were annexed un­to divers promises, where-upon I was some­what [Page 11] at the present stayed, and began to ga­ther up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures.

Then living near unto Mr. Love, and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up, I had much strife in my self whe­ther to joyn with them in it or no, and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me, being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity, it might be laid to my charge another day, that I had it offered me but would not accept of it, so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance, that so I might come to have my graces strengthened, and my corruptions weakened, and also come to enjoy more com­munion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of.

Thus having been before the elders & there examined somewhat touching my knowledg, &c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh; I indeavoured for some dayes before, in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence, beseeching him to fit me for it, together with [Page 12] the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces, as also touch­ing my sins and wants, which I desired a sup­ply of; still begging of the Lord, in all this time of my trouble, that he would not give me over to a deceived heart (what ever he did with me) so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was, but that he would please thoroughly to discover my con­dition and heart to me; and thus with some smal hopes, yet mixed with a great deal of fear, I did that time partake of the ordi­nance, the which I had no sooner almost done, but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnati­on, in receiving that whereto I had no right, (through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit) and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened, and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation.

But pausing here a while, and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty ac­cording to my knowledg and power, in exa­mining my own heart, what my ends, aimes, desires, and wants were, and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a streng­thening and sealing ordinance to me, indea­vouring to satisfie my self with these and such [Page 13] like thoughts, that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord, though I could not do it; thus I continued between hope and fear, about a moneth space, intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time, fearing my self not to be fit for it, finding my heart (as I thought) in a very unfitting frame, but, manifesting this intent to some friends, they put me upon these thoughts, that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them; as also relling me, that if I were unfit for that ordinance, I was as well unfit to live, and therefore that was no just plea: thus being troubled, yet fearing to omit it, I again partook of it, where the Lord was pleased, through the ministery of his word that day, to hint out to me that a­mongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance, as

1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ.

2. All doubting, fearing Christians, that come with doubts & fears to it; it being or­dained of God to be a strengthening, sealing ordinance, &c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present, yet did it not abide, but my trouble still conti­nuing, yea increasing, being thereby unfit [Page 14] for any earthly imployment, and yet weary of duties, reading, and writing, &c. In which I spent my chief time.

Yet thus going on in a road of duties, and performances, sometimes finding some affe­ction and assistance, and sometimes not, which when I did find in any measure, Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it, and began to think that now I had done somewhat, and that surely now the Lord would hear me: but begin­ning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed, and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me, and that any wicked wretch in the world might do, and did do as much as I, and yet the Lord never regarded them, I began to be exceedingly troubled, that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart, imagining that it was just with the Lord, for these wicked thoughts, to blast all my desires, which I really conceived he did.

Then considering, that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination, and things that his soul abhorred, and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards, having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart (and a renewed and chang­ed [Page 15] nature,) urging him often with that si­militude of a child coming to his father to begg bread, Mat. 7. 9, 10, 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke­warm, I lay under another temptation from Sathan, that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did, and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self, (as in Job 36. 13.) and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds, as

1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that hap­py estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven.

2. Because I could not find my love work­ing so strongly towards God as towards my self, desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable; as also

3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties, &c. Though I never durst act in any measure so, as that it might be discerned, but alwayes strove to my utmost a­bility to conceal what ever possibly I might, yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit, that though I did do it thus privately, yet if it could have been known and not by my means, I thought, I [Page 16] could be content, and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit, to think that there should such wicked, vain, and sinful thoughts and desires, be suggested to me, or for anytime, though never so smal, lodge within me, Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to con­sider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares, being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart.

And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God, that I thought that all I had, and enjoyed was cursed to me, often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me, or every creature did not put an end to my life, often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me, in so much that if I went by water or the like, I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me.

Oh! how desirous was my soul, at this time, of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends, and Christians, but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it, and of the benefit I might have gained by it, through my wicked silence in all companies, and loathness to impart my condition to any.

Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart [Page 17] would basely suggest to me, that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing, and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance, and no wayes advantage my self, &c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of, recollect­ing my thoughts, and calling them into question, as it were, then cometh the Divell, and tells me, that this did but note my hypo­crisy; and farther, when I have been troubled with it, to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these, then comes in Sathan again, on the other side, and tells me, that if I should put my self forward in any discourse, I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved, and so deceive others and delude my own soul, and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me, being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart, and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is.

This going on in this way of wicked, si­lence made many of my Christian friends (I do really beleeve) not know what to think of me, but were, as it were, estranged from me, which I soon perceiving, it was a most heavy affliction to me, & such as (the searcher of hearts knows) lay very sadly upon my spi­rit, [Page 18] which yet I could not, in any measure, make known to them, but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition, then being to remove out of Lon­don, which was an exceeding trouble to me (to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy, although indeed neither my Father, Mother, or my self could enjoy our healths there.)

And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spirit­less, then when I came home (me thought) I knew as much and no more, (to my edifi­cation in that condition I was in) than I did when I went; the subject which was then, and for a long time together treated on, was that Scripture, Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life, and man became a living soul. The main scope of the minister being to shew, what the natural soul was that God had put into man, handling it (as I conceiv'd) more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-prea­cher, which notional things were not those w^ch could satisfie my soul, which wanted now some support from heaven, in this sad droop­ing condition I was in, but meeting with no­thing suitable to my present estate, and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of [Page 19] all other means, I grew still into a more sad condition every day.

Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation, to neglect the ordinance of preaching, which was grounded upon the pretence, that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage, which temptation I often yeilded to, and when I had any opportunity, or seeming excuse by rea­son of any smal bodily distemper, either the head-ach or the like, I still took those occasi­ons to stay at home, and so yeilded to the temptation, and thus I did often.

But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done, and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes, as also what I had gained, I found it to be so little, through one temptation or other, that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temp­tation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God, whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me, and that surely I was some way or other pr [...]ju­diced against the man or his preaching, not looking, (as I ought) to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under (contrary to [Page 20] my desires) and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef.

Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart, whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man, which I could never find nor charge my self withal (having always heard very good words of him from Godly people) only I could not find that the Lord was pleased to speak any word suitable to my condition by him, but rather to fill me with notions of natural things, and in a natural way, whereupon I turned my examination into prayer, beseeching the Lord that if there were any prejudice in my heart that lay hid­den that I could not discern, that he would be pleased to root it out, and not let it hinder me from the blessing of his own or­dinance, begging of him also that he would please to put some word into his mouth suit­able to the estate of my soul, and give me an ear to hear and understand it, and so with some hope yet still mixed with fear, I con­tinued to hear him still, and thus I did often times, still pressing it upon my self that it was my darkness, dulness and ignorance that was the hindrance, but finding, after all this, nothing suitable to my soul to answer the longing desires or satisfie the many doubt­ings [Page 21] of it, I at the last tould my father how unprofitable his ministery was unto me, who also concluding & often saying the same, re­solved to seek out where the Lord should di­rect us and be pleased to make it more profi­table to us.

So we attended on the ministery elsewhere about the beginning of the year 1649. Where I received some satisfaction, but still (upon examination) finding little profiting in my spirit (though I could not but acknowledg that the Lord was pleased sometimes to speak home to my condition) being not able to close in a way of faith with what was delive­red, I remained in a very sad condition, yet continued waiting upon the Lord in that ministery above a year, and then returned in­to the Country, being much solicited there­unto, where I found the former Minister up­on a more practical subject, I continuing stil in trouble of spirit, as concluding now the fault to be in my self; because when I enjoy­ed such means as I could no wayes except against, yet I found very little profit or benefit by it, when I came seriously to examine my self; all which added much to my inward trouble, but in all this space of time (for four or five years last past) was I exceeding­ly tossed to and fro, and continually pestred [Page 22] with divers and sundry temptations, both from the Divel and my own wicked heart; to instance in some;

I was often tempted to very hiddeous and blasphemous thoughts, as to think that there was no God, and which temptations were allwayes suited to that matter which, at the present, my thoughts were working upon, wherein indeed it appeared to be a meer plot of Sathan that subtile enemie of my poor soul, as for instance:

Sometimes when in the bitterness of my trouble and fears I had made any appeal to God concerning the desires of my soul, or had put up any short ejaculation to him, or had been meditating of any of his attributes, or the like, then comes in such a temptation as this, Why who dost thou pray unto? dost thou think there is any such thing as a God that thou appealest to? did'st thou ever find any answer from him? with much more in this sort, and when any Scripture hath been brought to my thoughts, that might afford me any comfort, or that I had been examin­ing my heart from any Scripture, or the like, then (an hundred to one) but I should have one temptation or other darted into my soul, to question the truth of it (after this manner) how can it be the word of God more than [Page 23] any other writings? and how shall I know them to be so? and which of them are so, and which not; it being so many hundred years a go written, and having gone through so many hands, and all writers in ancient times disagreeing about it? &c.

And when my thoughts have been set or fixed to meditate of that everlasting conditi­on after this sinfull life is ended, or endea­vouring to attain some assurance of an happy estate in the life to come, then comes in a temptation, that it is impossible that ever there shall be any resurrection of the dead, with many carnal arguments to back it.

But these temptations being so hideous & detestable even by the light of nature (some of them) I durst not parly long with them, but endeavoured still to detest and abhorre them, and to raise the best arguments against them which I could, and in my daily course of reading the word, to gather out all those Scriptures that I could observe to make a­gainst any of those temptations, and so to answer them, but sometimes the more I rea­soned against them, and endeavoured to argue it out in my own thoughts, the more they would prevail, which when (after some time) I was inabled to perceive, I durst no longer parly with them, but my only refuge was to [Page 24] throw my self before the Lord, and there to tell him what a sad condition I was in, and how Sathan did continually thus torment me and throw such things continually into my soul, which he knew, (who knows all hearts) was the burden of my soul, and that which I would gladly be rid off, desiring him that I might be acquainted why it was thus with me, that he did loose Sathan upon me, as also that he would please to give me more power to resist these his fiery darts; divers other temptations was I also troubled withal, as

I was then tempted to beleeve that it must needs be impossible for any one in this life, to be assured of their salvation.

But when I began to consider, how many of Gods people, who I could not but beleeve by their walkings, did enjoy much of this assurance and communion with God, then did this temptation in some measure, vanish; and another arise in the roome of it, that sure, it was impossible that ever I should at­tain to any such assurance, and that therefore I was none of his children;

Which when I had sought the Lord about, and also indeavored to attain unto by search­ing the Scriptures, and comparing my heart with them, &c. Then would this temptation also arise upon the neck of the other;

That I ought not to seek or labour too much to attain assurance, for surely the Lord did not see it good for me, for should the Lord give it me I should undoubtedly be so lifted up, and so filled with pride of spirit that I should not be able to contain my self, but should much dishonour the Lord by it.

These, with many such like temptations, was I tossed up & down withal, untill my spi­rit was even overwhelmed within me, having no other refuge but only to tell the Lord, and bemone my condition to him who, as yet, seemed only to turne the deaf ear to me and to cover all my prayers with a cloud.

Yet, in all this time of my trouble and temptation, was the Lord pleased in a secret manner to support my spirit, and keep it from utter despair, and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind, for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed un­utterable, yet did the Lord so secretly sup­port me, that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude, that I should certainly perish, as Sathan continually suggested to me, though I still feared it, which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair, which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me (though in a poor, weak and low [Page 26] measure) yet to follow him still, often tel­ling him, that if I did perish; my desire was to perish coming towards him, following of him, and begging mercy from him.

Then, (in the year 1650. June the 28) was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me, in taking from me my dear and precious Father, who was the chief comfort of my natural life, and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner, which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit, and in­deed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble, being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions; to instance in one to two;

It was strongly suggested to me, that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me, and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers (wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord) that now he would not only take him from me, but even in this sad severe manner, not once permitting him to speake to me, or me with him, which was also further aggravated with these thoughts, that it was the more just with the Lord, thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so [Page 27] long enjoying him, nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice, in this time of my doubts and feares, as I might have done.

Thus being tossed to and fro, and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts, to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of, at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers, and that to be without afflictions is not a con­dition of Sonship, and also considering, that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared, and indeed a wonder (all things being right­ly weighed) that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did.

Thus after some time of stubborn rebelli­on against God, in not submitting quietly to his will, the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self, what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at, and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me.

And, upon examination, finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him, and so putting him in stead of God, I did at last (though with much repulse in my wicked spirit) acknow­ledg [Page 28] it before the Lord, and begg of him that he would shew me, more and more, what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke, and that as he had now by his own immediate hand, brought me within the letter of the promise (being now fatherless) that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ.

And thus I continued, sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry tempta­tions, having none to speak a word of com­fort to me in this my distress (I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self,) having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any mea­sure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord, in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up, though sometimes again inlarged.

Then, about 2 or 3 moneths after, being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother, as also my self, both at one time, upon our bed of sickness, visiting us with very strong fea­vers, which being towards Winter brought us very low, which meeting with the in­ward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly up­on me.

At which time, in the midst of all my weakness, I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts, being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body, so that now I did no longer desire any continu­ance of this natural life of mine, nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life, as I had formerly done in all my other sick­nesses, though I could never make good any of these promises, vowes, or covenants, by me so made; hereupon, I considered (though with much trouble of spirit) that I had found by sad and often experience, that if I should live never so long, I should live never the better, nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being, therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me, the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these, that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord, and that those many failings which accompanied all my o­bedience were the burthen of my life, and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit, and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will, it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me; but contrarily, I saw, I was still pressed under with a body of death, [Page 30] by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day, and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation, I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ, and although I could not con­fidently beleeve, that the Lord would be good to me, yet I saw that there was no sal­vation any where else, and therefore did de­sire to relye wholly upon him, acknowledg­ing that I deserved nothing but hell, and that, if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me, it was infinite unspeakable mercy.

Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution (wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more) vvhich both my self and others a­bout me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased, after some fevv vveaks, in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust, and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health, all vvhich time being accompa­nied vvith many a sad thought, my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health, at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal. 42. 5, 11. Wherein he calls his soul to ac­compt, saying, Why art thou cast down O my [Page 31] soul, and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God. The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time, (having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means) the Lord (I say) setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit, I began at last to reason thus vvith my self, and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble; the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard, some expressions in them being brought to my mind, vvherein I found several answers to many things, vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble, I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity (vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling) vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths, though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them, vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit.

Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth, having heard of him, I [Page 32] had a great desire to hear him, which also I did 3 or 4 times, with much content; he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith, &c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righte­ous but even heathens, ungodly men, which word added somewhat to my comfort, only I could not say I had faith, and this stumbled me again.

Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer, who, by the providence of God, was then up­on that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit & that it should convince the world of sinne, and of righteousness, where he fully shewed, that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ, thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteous­ness or any thing in them or done by them, which I now found I had been very guilty of, telling us also that all those duties, graces or qualifications, that we so rested upon, were not the righteousness of Christ, &c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul, at which time I must needs say (I do really beleeve) that the Lord was pleased [Page 33] to strike the first and great blow to depen­dence on my own actings; although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit con­cerning this thing, being yet very dark in the understanding of it.

But in this short time of my being in the Country, the Lord having (in some measure) thus begun, as it were, to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul, I was strangly in my own thoughts, (I hope by the spirit of the Lord) put upon the desires of communi­on with the people of God according to the Gospel, and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure, to that end, accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Pres­bytery, which I was now very much unsatis­fied in, which dissatisfaction was at the pre­sent only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way (finding them generally so full of wrath, bitterness, clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren, which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit,) compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet, humble and Christi­an like, as also a way for more growth and establishment, being more full of love, (which the Gospel is so full of) and watch­ing [Page 34] over one another, &c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired, finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it, beseech­ing him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him, as also when and where I might so joyn, beg­ging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it.

Then coming home again my trouble re­newed, to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from, and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me, at last, making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him, she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight, which according­ly I did, about Midsummer 1651. who (through the assistance of God) did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures, who see their lost and un­done condition out of Christ: through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ, which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit, being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus [Page 35] Christ, and relyed upon him, having nothing to say against it but only my own wretched­ness, which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say, but only that I was so over-power'd with unbe­leefe, that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ, gladly and with all my soul, yet I neither durst nor could do it (as I then thought.)

Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house, we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester, at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the pre­sent condition of the Nation and the godly in it, but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it, (about a moneth or two at the most after) the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord, and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul, and accord­ingly, (though with much repulse in my self) I wrote a paper, wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord, &c. Which being no wayes able [Page 36] to accomplish, I durst not believe or go to God as a father, but being in some measure convin­ced that I was all this while out of the way, (not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ, but going about too much to establish my own righteousness,) I did then desire their prayers, that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul, and en­able me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him, and having a fit opportunity of privacy, coming there before any other com­pany, I laid it down upon the table, and it pleased the Lord so to order it, Mr. Knight being absent, Mr. Barker came in that day, who was altogether unknown to me, who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord, both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service, the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul, which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3, 4, 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone, dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious, &c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it, did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction.

Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations, from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart, finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others, that I durst not think but to be the people of God, now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these, which were held out to us, was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported.

After this it pleased the Lord also to di­rect them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith, and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls, from all vvhich (being too large here to relate) my soul received very much refreshing, being in the close of that service put again upon it, by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants, to put the questi­on to my soul at every turn, doubt, vvhence comest thou, or vvherefore dost thou doubt, and, truely, the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instru­ments formerly mentioned, that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter, [Page 36] that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them, being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts, feares, jealousies, and hard thoughts of God, much provoke and disho­nour him, so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate, I came now, in some measure, through grace, to see that it vvas a heynous sin, and therefore to endea­vour, strive and pray, and do all I could a­gainst them.

Yet did often I lye under many sad appre­hensions arising hence, being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books, that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ, now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God, or look up to him under this relation of a father, only looking upon him as a gracious, merciful, and yet withall a just severe God, this vvas a great trouble to my spirit, then did the Lord, by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith, put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scri­pture in Jer. 3. 1, 4, 12, 13, 14, 15, 19. vers. Which at that times took much upon my [Page 37] heart in this particular, having no power to gainsay the duty required in it, the Lord being pleased, by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight, and sometimes some others, to come in, further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul, en­abling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ; giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness, & nothingness, & the conrinual need I stood in of him, vvith­out vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing, had nothing, and could have nothing but only sin, as also that fullness that is in him, together vvith a readiness to give forth and commu­nicate out of it to poor creatures, vvho see the need they have of it, and come to him for it, vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do, and that I might go vvholy out of my self, and come to him for life; then hearing that Mr. Knight, and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together, I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that, hap­pily, the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me, if I could but see him clear­ing up my way, and opening a door for me to joyn with them, which work seeming for [Page 40] a time to go on in their desires and inten­tions, yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it, how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of, being full of ebbings and flowings, sometimes hoping a little, and sometimes again full of fears.

Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do, but often seeking the Lord concerning it, who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution, that (through his grace assisting of me) I would put it upon the trial, relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul, though in much weak­ness, yet I hoped in truth, and this I was the more willing unto, that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set up­on the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready al­wayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear; and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto, yet rather than to deprive my self of such a be­nefit I was enabled in some measure to sub­mit, yet not without many fears and that strong ones too, that I should not be accept­ed of; the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts, that I would, through his [Page 41] assistance, do my duty and offer my self, and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me, I did desire to see his mind, and to expect strength from him to submit to his will, manitested through it, acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved, considering with all that my desire was chiefly, and in the first place, to approve my self to the Lord, and (if he saw it good) to his people also, but if other­wise my desire was, (though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it) yet, how­ever, to wait upon the Lord, and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me; then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal, which, by providence, I heard of, and had a desire to be at, which accordingly I did, at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God, that the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart, and those hard thoughts I had had of God, and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself, as might mightily increase my faith, which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day.

But having received, at this time some [Page 38] little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight, from Heb. 12. 5-13. From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under, I had either despised his chastisements, or else fainted under them, the Lord (I say) having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit, through his word, the Divell soon begins again with me, taking this opportunity, I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word, and see what comfortable grounds I could take up, that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy, &c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt, that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others, who were at that time also by him presented; but through mercy, this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein, for a little while after there was an other day kept, to which meet­ing I went, and, truely, after I came there, the Lord set home these wicked thoughts to­gether with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit, that my heart was even overwhelmed within me, in so much that I could not keep it to my self, [Page 39] but was constrained to discover it by my car­riage, which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise; at which time I was so farre from that ability, that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of, that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him, but was, as it were, one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit, and thought those three words, which was all that I could then speak were, (through a meer mistake) sadly mis-construed by him, yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning, supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me, even through that mistake; there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart, from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness; and it was this, that I had prayed, and prayed again and again, but when I had done I never looked after the re­turns of them, having never yet any experi­ence made out to me, that I durst acknow­ledge this or that to be a return of my pray­er, nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him, I was still, for ma­ny years, tempted to beleeve that it had been so, though I had not prayed, and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer, [Page 44] which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy; in so much, that (me thinks) I do now even stand and admire, what it was that did at that time sup­port my spirit, & carry me on in a continued seeking of God, being not able, then to re­cord an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind.

However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires, yet were mine eyes with­held from seeing them to be so, and taking the comfort thereof, untill a long after, yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in, which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me, even be­fore the writing hereof.

But after all this the Lord, by the acts of his providence, seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people, in joyn­ing in fellowship together, which when I heard of, it was a great trouble to me, who greatly desired the accomplishment of it, sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it.

Other times being tempted to think, that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto, then he would also have [Page 45] gone on to have perfected my desires, but be­ing again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self, that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him, as well for the time as for the matter, I in­deavoured (the Lord assisting me) to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these, that the Lord might delay it in much mercy, that so I might be the more fit for it, when he shall please to accomplish it, apprehend­ing that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy, then did I again turn to the Lord, and thus desire to submit to him, begging of him to fit me for such a mercy, and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here, if not, that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good.

Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year, still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul, and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus, in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found, and not in any of my own righteousnesses, who had now inabled me to see, to be very lothsome, and abomina­ble, though formerly I had too much doted upon them.

Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North, the Lord was pleased by a meer providence (as I desire to look upon it, not knowing, as yet, but that I may also say as a return of ma­ny of my former poor desires) to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house, having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith, which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again, which now I did the Lord direct­ing him this time to speak unto us concern­ing Church discipline, which I was yet very dark in, which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction, which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon.

Thus was the Lord pleased (I hope in an­swer to my poor desires) yet farther to clear up this way of his to me, proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon.

This being now more cleared unto me, my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion, grew more strong and earnest, I continually mentioning it before the Lord.

After this really I cannot tell but that I [Page 41] should rob the Lord of his glory in this par­ticular, if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor experience to be a God hearing prayer, for I found him now also (as I hope I may to his glory speak) coming in very much as it were fitting me for this mer­cy, by giving in (out of his own free grace to his poor unworthy creature) yet, a more full and clear sight of his work upon my soul; and so of my interest in him, by means whereof I might now the more comfortably offer up my self into the communion of his people, without a sight of which, I should hardly, I think, have presumed to have done, which work of his the Lord was pleased to help on by several of his Servants in Mr. Knights absence, as Mr. Sidrach Simpson and Mr. Rogers, whom he was pleased to make instrumental for my souls advantage and comfort at this time, which the Lord thus carried on untill it was towards the end of the seventh moneth commonly called Sep­tember in this year 1652. at which time Mr. Knight being returned home and removing to Fulham, where the Lord opened a door for his people to joyn in communion toge­ther according to the Gospel, the Lord now offering me this opportunity which I had so much longed for, and his servant Mr. Knight [Page 48] to whom I had formerly by an other friend intimated my desires, he I say acquainted me with it I durst not rashly deny to joyn with them, but what fears and tremblings there were upon my spirit at this time is known only to the Lord, for indeed I am not able to express it, in which trouble my refuge as formerly was only to go to the Lord, beseeching and earnestly importuning him now to appear and give in direction to his poor creature, who was now in such a straight as that she knew not what to do.

But (so farre as I know my own heart) leaning alone upon the Lord and waiting for his direction, I went to the place ap­pointed to meet in, not knowing what I should do in it, taking little or no rest all the night before, but coming there next morn­ing and being still much oppressed in spirit; in the turning of an eye as it were, I can not express how or which way my spirit was on a suddain wrought over to give my consent, and so to joyn with them.

They being (as they conceived) well satisfied in the long knowledg they had had of each other, and their frequent converses together, some whereof were in order to this very work, which having been much desired by those few persons that then joyned [Page 49] and they so long interrupted, and having put up many petitions to the throne of grace concerning it; Mr. Barker being then pre­sent and carrying the intended work by pray­er and counsel, we joyned together in the fellowship of the Gospel. But this work was not performed in so solemn a manner as I (for my part) could have desired, both in setting more time a part to seek the Lord together in it, and to have indeavoured to have given more full satisfaction to each other, of the work of God in each others hearts, which lay as a burthen upon my spi­rit which I often bewailed before the Lord, and also moved it to some of our friends that we might yet meet and set a part a day to this end, which was not thought meet at that time; upon which I besought the Lord it might be no hindrance to his appearance amongst us, for my spirit was opprest with fears of Gods not appearing in the midst of us, which fears were at the present heightned from the mighty rage of Sathan, in the spi­rits of many, yea of some good men at this our first entrance into communion, laying many harsh censures upon us, which still put me upon a more narrow search into my own heart.

Thus seeing the rage of some against us to [Page 50] be very great, and trembling in my self to think lest we by our miscarriage might give them some ground to speak evill of us, it wrought a great sadness upon my spirit, fear­ing lest we might be an occasion of darkning his glory to the World, which caused me often to pour out my soul to the Lord be­seeching him that if he had any delight in us, he would be pleased to afford us his pre­sence.

But in the very depth of these fears did the Lord, by a meer providence, as I was opening Mr. Burroughs's book, cast my eye unexpectedly upon the 13 p. of the right manner of drawing nigh to God in worship, where I found this note, that the beginnings of things of high concernment do meet sometimes with great difficulties and inter­ruptions; which he gives some instances of, and so adviseth us not to be offended though we should have some sad accidents to fall out, at the beginning of great things; for (saith he) notwithstanding this God may yet prosper it afterwards; the serious consi­deration whereof did at the present a little refresh my spirit, and support it with a de­sire to wait to see what the Lord would please to bring out of it.

Thus having, for about 3 moneths space, [Page 51] enjoyed the ordinances and the society of his servants, and thereupon beginning to examine my own heart, what fruit or benefit I had found by them, it lay somewhat sadly upon my spirit, for being able to discern very little, then was the Lord pleased by a letter from Mr. Rogers to hand out something which for the present did a little support and cheer my spirit, therein putting me upon the consideration of this truth, that a Christi­an growth is not at all times sensible, nei­ther doth the Lord see it meet they should alwayes grow in one kind, but that they grow in all parts as well in humility and self abasement, and in the sight of our own weakness, barrenness, and unprofitableness, &c. which is as true a growth as that of faith though not alwayes so visible.

Yet some trouble still lying upon my spi­rit, wanting a full and clear sight of my in­terest in Christ, which as yet I had only some good hopes of, but no such settled assurance, but that I was often tottering backward and forward, the Lord having formally and continually, through the ministery of his word dispensed often by Mr. Knight and very powerfully to that end, and sometimes al­so by Mr. Simpson, by both which the Lord was pleased strongly to convince me of the [Page 52] dishonour that I had brought him by my un­beleef, which was now the great burthen of my soul, but finding much weakness of faith in me, and an inability to roul so fully upon God and give glory to him by beleeving and taking him upon his word, &c. often fearing that sinne and Sathan would yet prevail over me.

But the Lord was pleased, about the 10 moneth 1652. to draw out my heart exceed­ingly to beg of him a large measure of faith, even that I might be enabled to ho­nour him, as much by beleeving as ever I had dishonoured him through unbeleef, but this same month I had this wicked thought or temptation thrown with mighty force into my spirit (to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after) viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith, or any other grace, he gives also as great trials, and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also, and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows, afflictions and trialls upon my own head, but also in lying under them, and so sadly dishonour God, as now I do, which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections, and weaken my former desires, untill the Lord was [Page 53] pleased to discover to me, that it was a meer temptation (whether from Sathan or my own heart, my deceitful, but subtle enemies) to skare me with such fears; which tempta­tion the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome, (with grief that I should in the least parly with it) and again to renew my former desires, and withal to beg his con­tinual presence with me in all whatever tri­alls and conditions he should bring me un­der, that he would keep me from dishonour­ing him under them, and manifest himself to me through them, and then to do with me as seemeth him good.

A few dayes after, as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine, who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord, whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, &c. which, whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart, which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of, but as that which I had had much experience, through all the deal­ings of God with me, to have been conti­nually [Page 54] made good, so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years (in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under, whether in body, or mind, in loss of relati­ons, or comforts, &c. yea the very with­holding [...]he light of Gods face, which is life it self [...] did restifie to the truth of this word, having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good, the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him, from the consideration of all which, there fell this farther hint, with some weight up­on my spirit, that it should also be even so with me, in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under.

But there being yet (especially at some times) many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for, upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week, the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul, vvhich did much refresh it; it vvas thus, Mr. Knight being in the afternoone (in his ministery at Fulham) upon that [Page 55] Scripture in Heb. 2. 1, 2, 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ, and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts, whence also he took occasion to com­fort the people of God upon this accompt, that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice, & that he should not al­ways send his messengers, nor make use of in­struments, but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel; at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart, and to make it sweetly to melt before him, with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul, as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before, vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent, and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds, neither of us being able to speak to each other, yea when no friend or creature, either could, or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul, which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensa­tions of his towards me, vvho having, as it vvere, by his own hand (as I now really be­leeve he did) shut up and stop'd all other mouths, yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself, as I found he had done in some measure, supporting my spirit, [Page 56] vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay, both of the sense of guilt and wrath, all vvhich being put to­gether, Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart?

Then did the Lord also, the next day, be­ing the second day of the same vveek, bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job, in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon, contrary to my in­tention or thoughts, I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay (being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening) but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job, untill I came to the end of it, and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me, and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this, that none of al Jobs friends vvho in­deavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort, or of conviction, to him in this sad estate, none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit, untill God himself came to speak, and then one word of God doth it, making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile, what shall I answer thee, I will lay my hand upon my mouth, Once have I spoken but I will not answer, yea twice but I will proceed no further:] and again Job 42. 5, 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear, but now [Page 57] mine eye seeth thee, therefore I abhorre my self, and repent in dust and ashes;] that was (as I conceive) when God spake, which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart, thereby calling to mind how many instructi­ons, convictions, and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me, which never took any hold at all upon my spirit, but when God himself will take in hand to speak, he can bring things past and gone quite back again (as he did the Sun up­ont he Dial of Ahaz, 2 King. 22. 11.) and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all, and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbe­leeving thoughts, and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart, when as the Lord hath (as it were) took all opportu­nities to beget in the soul good and honoura­ble thoughts of him.

Then hearing this same night, that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street, to which I had a great desire to go, which accordingly I did, though with some outward inconveniences and bodily danger, desiring of the Lord, that as he had begun in some good measure to shine in up­on [Page 58] my heart this week, so that he would please to make this blessed opportunity let­ting my soul have a sight of himself through that word that should be held out to me.

Thus waiting and depending upon the Lord for his appearance through this instru­ment of his, I went to London, at which time Mr. Simpson contrary to the expecta­tion of most of his hearers (and as I was told) to his own intentions the week be­fore, had his eye and meditation turned and fixed upon that grand promise in Gen. 3. 15. which I do not know but that I may look upon as a special providence, in which the Lord might aim, even at the establishment of my poor and unsetled spirit, which but the week before was exceedingly cast down, the Lord having (as I conceived) much disappointed my expectation even of his own appearance.

In the entrance upon which Scripture and opening of it he shewed us, that these words in Gen. 3. were spoken and denounced as a severe threatning to the Divel, and not at all spoken either to the man, or to the wo­man, yet did they contein in them a most blessed promise, yea all the promises which the Lord left both for Adam and Eve to lay hold upon, from the consideration of which [Page 59] he took occasion to provoke us to lay hold upon all the hints of God and to let none of them slip in any dispensation of his to us, yea, to take notice of every word of pro­mise or comfort that God holds out though in the midst of severe threatning, as this here was, in the further prosecution of which he put us upon such thoughts as these, that that soul which is indeed made to hunger and thirst after Jesus Christ would be ready to snatch & catch at the least crum of mercy, yea were the soul indeed found of Christ it would be ready to beleeve upon very smal grounds: there was also at this time, that Scripture cited by him which we find record­ed in Esai, 50. at the beginning, where the Lord (as he shewed us) seemeth to be very angry with that people who though they had played the harlot, and therefore deserved justly to be put away, yet was the Lord wrath with them, because they said he had put them away when as yet he had not, and therefore demanded of them where their bill of divorce was; which together with several other precious truths then hinted to us, took very much on my heart and greatly refreshed it, even upon after reviews also, but to all this the Lord was pleased to add one blessed opportunity more that week, [Page 60] wherein he speak abundantly and, I hope, effectually to my heart by that servant of his Mr. Knight at that lecture at the Chappel at Fulham, the very next morning (being the fourth day of the week,) sending his servant as it were on purpose to speak to me in par­ticular, and to open, unfold, and expound all those gracious visits of Christ to my poor soul, when it sate even in the valley and sha­dow of death, shut up as it were in darkness and in an estate of nature, shewing me how the Lord, even then, came in with light and life to me, as also when I was under dark afflictions, and sad apprehensions of the wrath of God, from whence I conceived them to proceed, in which estate also was the Lord pleased sweetly to visit my soul, as also when I lay under darkness of unbeleese being full of doubts, and fears, and jealousies of God, &c. at this season and from this Scripture Luk. 1. 78, 79, was the Lord plea­sed to unfold my soul that which I never had such a sight of, how he had indeed visited my soul in all these estates, as also what the issues of these his visitations were, how he came in with light and life in all these con­ditions, which the Lord now being pleased to open my eyes to see, my soul was even swallowed up in the apprehension of it, not [Page 61] knowing how to blesse and praise his name sufficiently for these his appearan­ces.

Thus did the Lord follow on with one mercy and discovery upon the neck of ano­ther, which all depended upon, and as it were opened one another, for this last day did the Lord discover in particular to my soul what those hints and gracious visitations on my soul, wherein all these conditions which the day before he taught me I was to take such special notice of; in the remaining part part also of the week was the Lord pleased to go on to settle and farther open these truths, and give me to see his mighty hand and outstretched arm all along in it.

The next Lords day, being the ninth of this eleventh moneth 1652. the Lord was pleased also to come in through that mi­nistery he hath placed us under at Fulham, with a seasonable word to back all this which was spoken by our Pastor Mr. Knight, from Heb. 2. 2. that the words of God they are stedfast words, abiding words, words that shall certainly abide and be accomplished in their season.

Thus in these eight days, now last past, hath the Lord, through and by his word and spi­rit, been pleased to give into my soul a dis­covery [Page 62] of his gracious visitations of me for [...] many years past.

And truly I think, I should much rob the Lord of his Glory, if I should not acknow­ledg him a God hearing prayer, who was pleased, even at this time, in my apprehen­sion so eminently to appear, that I was constrained in spirit to acknowledg it and did, and do desire that he may have the glo­ry of it.

The Lord having of late thus begun to manifest his loving kindness to my soul, there was at this time, from Rom. 13. 11. this truth set home mightily upon my heart, that this time of Gods appearance in way of love and mercy, &c. was the only blessed time in the world to that soul to whom he thus appears, and a time which should of all times in the world be taken special no­tice of, and carefully improved, from whence I had further many seasonable instructions, as

That I should walk in the sight of Gods countenance while I enjoy it, yea

And work in it whiles I had it, before or lest darkness come, Joh. 12. 35, 36. & Joh. 9. 4. yea to do good in this time and opportunity, whiles God thus shines upon the heart, Gal. 6. 10. yea and to improve it to this end, to [Page 63] lay up in store a good foundation for time to come, even as men do in their tradings in the matters of this world, 1 Tim. 6. 17, 18, 19. yea, to redeem this time, Ephes. 5. 16. to think nothing too much to buy it out of the hands of hucksters, out of the hands of all other businesses what ever in this world.

And here I must needs say, that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose, and that sweetly, a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time, behold now is the day of Salvation; yet did it not take up­on my heart in that way, as these few hints did, for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love, as he did afterward, and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel, and Gods love to the souls of men, in bringing of them home to himself, yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the considerati­on of this present hint of time, wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul.

The very next day, being the 13 of this moneth, in the morning when I was awa­ked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture [Page 64] in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind, (of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years, vers. 16. whom Christ loosed) with a perswasion, before ever I be­gan to count it that the time of my Thral­dome under Sathan and sinne would run pa­ralel with this, as also my condition, for saith the text, she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self, and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years, I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe, and the corruptions of my own heart, and so bowed together, as I could in no wise lift up my self, so as to give glory to God by beleeving, and as for the time when I came to count it, from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition, and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit, which was as I conceive, about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652, which was the first time that ever the Lord did, upon real solid grounds, speak any abiding word of comfort to me, and so in any measure loosing me from those bands, and I did find it to be just 18 years.

This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my [Page 65] heart, which I found recorded in Psal. 129. 1, 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say, many a time have they afficted me from my youth, yet have they not prevailed against me; and hath it not been thus with my soul? many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations, and corruptions, but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me.

There was also two other Scriptures im­mediately after this, set upon my heart this morning, as first, that in Psal. 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles: even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears, and he hath (blessed be his name) heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me.

And to back this for the future, there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles, yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee: the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul, but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord, (which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him) yet not­withstanding suddenly after, finding my [Page 66] heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God, in such a manner and measure as my soul desired, for all these wonderfull appearances to me, I had this perswasion strongly darted into me, that the Lord had some sharp affliction sud­denly to lay upon me, which I was fully possessed with expectation of, which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord, beseeching him to fit me for it, and sanctifie it unto me, what ever it should be, not knowing in what way or manner for to ex­pect it, apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction, and be­cause I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother, I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial; at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled, but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper, which seazed so upon my vitall spirits, and so over-poured them, which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh, in and under which (if I know my own heart) the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the [Page 67] Lord was in it, in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it; as for instance;

The first thing that was darted into me was, that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul, who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings, and as it were set me aloft, Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dis­pensation hath been able to do me hurt, but have born, yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old, as he did his people Israel, notwithstanding all my rebellions, Esa. 63. 9, 10, 12, 15, 16. and this suggesti­on for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself, though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account, insinu­ating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit, which put me upon this action, which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord, beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines, and with­all begging of him, that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me, that he would be pleased to reveal it, and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account.

And though upon the strictest search and [Page 68] inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart, I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this, yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least, (if I mistake not) cause this work to cease, untill it was a­gain set with some weight upon my spirit, as that which might make for the glory of my Lord, and perhaps (though weakly) stammer out his praise, when I shall be gathered into into my dust, who was so unable to speak it out in my life; and this I both did, and do the rather beleeve, to proceed from Sa­than, the great enemie of Soules, because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules, Psal. 34. 2. & 66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13, 14, 15, 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me, as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his, even to mind, me that I had not that degree of com­passion or fellow feeling, as I ought, of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind (though in a greater degree) lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver, and doubtless there might be something in this, though I should also wrong my self, should I not acknowledge [Page 69] much and continued working in my heart for and towards her, which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure.

But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth, in the night, I had little or no rest, by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me, and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater, but both meeting, it lay some­what heavy upon the flesh, which thought it self ready to give up under it, but (my thoughts being continually working) I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death, which seemed at times, as it were, to approach, often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning, yet said I nothing, for fear of affrighting my Mother, yet had I also between times a great desire, together with a kind of perswasion, that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning, whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham; thus (I say) finding in my spirit, some kind of reluctancy at death, of which considering a little, (it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good mea­sure crucified, but) finding it still to work [Page 70] up was no smal trouble to me, which to­gether with many other fears that lay upon my spirit, as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction, which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death, and (if I know my heart in any measure) that only, which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day, if the Lord should please to enable me to go, and so beg their remem­brance at the throne of grace; but being enabled to consider better of it, I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer tem­ptation to distrust the power and love of God, to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough; whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father, which I was now as­sured should certainly end in his glory and my good: and to this end, I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed pro­mise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work, yea work together for good to them that love God, &c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul, and was therefore much troubled that [Page 71] any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it, divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind, and wrought afresh upon my heart, which did exceedingly refresh my spirit, so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit, and after that was a little quieted, I had a little short slumber, and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodi­ly distemper, as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness.

But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated, in so much as I thought it was now quite gone, but that very night was the Lord pleased to return, yea to heighten it, constraining me to keep house certain days, whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished, nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it, which was some trouble to me, whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it, and to sancti­fie it unto me, giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me, in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth.

But upon the seventh day of this moneth, Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget, who was upon remove into the Country, with many thoughts there a­bouts, which were now brought to my mind, which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit, upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other; in so much that I was even as it were overwhelm­ed with it, untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord; at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me, that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature, for comfort and support, as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort, and relation, if he savv meet to deprive me of it; the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me? then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde, by leaning upon such poor reeds, and diging to my self such poor pits, such broken Cisterns, as could indeed hold no vvater, and in the mean time too much neglect him the foun­tain of living vvaters, Jer. 2. 13.

Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him, and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly, he was pleased also to [Page 73] cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture, I find recorded in 1 King. 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel, which had appeared to him twice; even so I saw, the Lord had just cause to be angry with me, that I should thus again return to the creature, and as it were, make a God of it, yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul.

The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab, who had been at ease from his youth, and was setled on his lees, who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel, neither had gone into captivity, and therefore his taste remained in him, and his sent was not changed, Jer. 48. 11, now finding this given by the Spirit of God, as the reason why his sent remained, even because he had not been emptied, &c. I could not but stand and wonder, what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart, whom the Lord had not left at ease, but had often emp­tied from vessel to vessel, as it were trying al­wayes and means with me, and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth, and of the old man, and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh, 2 Chron. [Page 74] 32. 8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of A­ges.

The next morning, as I lay in my bed, I had a secret perswasion darted into me, that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul, that I have often yea a long time desired, that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart, and to reveal it to my soul, that I might see what was in the bottome of my heart, even as he saw it, and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward, and anatomize it before my eyes, and surely the Lord hath been a long time, yea for many years, emp­tying me from vessel to vessel, and turning me, as it were, upside down, laying me under variety of conditions, and dispensa­tions, sometimes under mercies, some­times afflictions, sometimes one affliction, sometimes an other, sometimes under scoffs, scornes, injuries, wrongs from neer rela­tions, sometimes sickness, weaknesses, pains, bodily trialls, spirituall exercises, under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts, and in all conditions, and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs, yea, I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery [Page 75] of my own heart too, shewing me how apt it is to depart from the living God, and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things, which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them.

Then did the Lord (the sixteenth of this 12. moneth 1652. being the fourth day of the week, and our Pastors turn to preach) sea­sonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart, the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit, to speak many seasonable words to my soul, shewing me that, indeed, the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face, (which as he now shewed me) was because I had not indeed given up my self to the guidance and lead­ing of Jesus Christ, but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own, Jer. 2. 33, 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old, and bring me back again, causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done, and acknowledg it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of [Page 76] my self, and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ on­ly.

Yea, as Israel of old, upon every new straight, difficulty, or danger, still fell to murmuring against the Lord, and against his servants, even so was it with my wretch­ed heart, how ready was it upon every oc­casion or dispensation of God to me, to repine, murmur, and cry out, why is it thus with me, surely if he had any love to me it would not? &c.

Yea as they did many of them, in their hearts, return back again into Aegypt, after God had most eminently appeared to them, and gone before them and with them, even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart: oh! how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort? &c. yea, with Demas to return again to this present world too much (and that after such appearances of God to me) did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind, and stir me, and shew me what was in my heart.

Yea, as Israel in their murmuring dis­content cryed out, would God we had dyed in Aegypt, even so did my wretched heart; seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven [Page 77] and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Sathan one time or other, and so brought to hell for my sins, in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me, often wish'd would God I had dyed in the womb.

And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness untill their carcases were wasted away, and never suffered to possesse that good land, or see it, many of them; even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me, and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness, in my self, untill not only my body, which in a great measure did, but untill my very soul should pine away in me; but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land, to see those bunches of grapes, &c. that are there in abundance, and to have any smal taste of them, oh! the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadome­able is this loving kindness and mercy? These and many other sweet discoveties of him­self, and of my own heart, was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day, both by his word and spirit, shewing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my waye, to see Christ go before me, and [Page 78] guide and lead me, but running before him upon wayes of my own, which the Lord had justly and righteously, (yea I hope in the greatest mercy) blasted to me, which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me.

Then upon the third day of the first moneth 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a publick fast thoroughout the Common-wealth, Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham.

Mr. Smalwood began the day, and shew­ed us that it was prophesied concerning Christ, that he should come as a warrier amongst the Gentiles, and that the chief seat of this his spiritual warre (to let go that of his providential Kingdome) is in the hearts of his people, there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him.

Shewing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness, & therefore Christ wil come to wage warre in that heart where this is seated and set up against him.

Which, through grace, gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those com­bustions, hurries, frights, and tumults in my heart for many years together, that it was [Page 79] because Christ was coming there, as a war­rier to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out, to wit, my striving and endeavouring, might and main, to set up my own righteousness too much; and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many wayes both prevented it, and also went on discovering the evill of it to me, many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day, by the Lord, through this his servant, which came in with such mighty power upon my heart, as that I can­not but record them.

Having now thus shewen us where it is that this seat of this warre of Christ is, he then came afterwards to shew what kind of warre he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people, which he opened to be the same that he waged in the world in his providential kingdome, that is, both an offen­live, and a defensive warre.

First, an offensive warre against sin, guilt, and Sathan, ye against all spiritual wicked­nesses in the heart, Col. 2. 15. yea in Rom. 8. 3. he is said to condemn sinne in the flesh] that is, he hath put it out of his office, he hath taken away the weapons of sinne, sinne was our ruler before Christ came, but when he comes he puts it out of office, takes away not [Page 80] only the power but the guilt, yea, makes a great deal of difference between a neighbour and a master; as long as you are here below you wil find sin a neighbour, it wil be visiting of you, and coming into your hearts often, yea and it is well if you converse not too much with it; but if Christ rule over you sinne shall not be your master any more.

Yea, he brings down not only the rebel­lion of the heart, but also every immagina­tion and high thoughts into the obedience of Christ, 2 Cor. 10. 4, 5.

Christ doth not warre like men, they first take the out-works, and so go neerer & neer­er, but Christ begins first at the heart, and brings down the pride of that & rebellion of that, and then the out-works these high thoughts that arise he brings them down also.

Christ also, secondly, wageth a defensive warre, defending that soul against sinne, and and Sathan, Rom. 16. 20. It is true, though Sathan be conquered in his dominions, and trodden down, and sin hath its deadly wound, yet are they still conspiring against us, and our defence is only by Jesus Christ, Zech. 3. 1. where we may see how God keeps his people from being overcome, Sathan he takes occasion and advantage from our [Page 81] unholiness and unrighteousness when you come to appear before the Lord, what eve appears of sinne in you he will accuse you for before the Father, and were it not for Jesus Christ his accusation would stand, for it is true; but Christ comes and saith, the Lord rebuke thee, O Sathan, is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?] as if he should say, these are a people redeemed by my blood, and in a day of hardship, therefore take away these filthy garments from them] Christ will not onely defend his people, but take away that by which Sathan takes occasion and advantage to accuse them. Then he came to shew us the nature of this warrier, the Lord Jesus, which was opened in six things which afforded abundant matter of conso­lation to my soul; if where he comes to rule he rules as a man of strength, there is nothing too hard for him. Micah 7. 18, 19. He will subdue our iniquities, thou wilt cast all their sinnes into the depth of the sea] great sinnes, as covetousness, pride, and that curs­ed sinne of unbelief, are all subdued by Je­sus Christ. Therefore, if sinne do at any time bear sway in thy soul, it is because Christ for a time suspends, and lets his power lie still, and leaveth you a while to see your own weakness, but when he comes again and [Page 82] ingageth your soul to him then is the putting out of his power as a strong man.

Secondly, he carrieth himself as a man of great authority; he hath not onely power and strength, but a right to govern the hearts of his people. oh how sweet is this to poor beleevers! Sathan hath power to destroy you, but he hath no authority; but Christ hath both, and therefore it is you are kept by him: he can say to the proud waves, to the pride and rebellion of your hearts, peace, be still, such is his authority.

3. He ruleth also in wisdome; poor beleev­ers are ready to say the Lord hath forgotten them but there is no searching his under stand­ing, Isa. 40. 27, 28. he can find a way to de­liver you from your pride, and urbelief; that you think not of as he did Lot out of Sodom, Psal. 147. 5, he is that great Counselior that consulteth the safety of his people.

4. He rules in Justice, he ever wageth warre upon a righteous account, and to righteous ends; when he comes to warre in your souls, it is because there are enemies there: he never makes a quarrel, but fights because of a quarrel, he is not like a man to come onely to be master, no, Jesus Christ evermore find­eth enemies or he would not warre; he finds a poor creature unrighteous & unholy, & he wageth warr to leave them holy & righteous.

Fifthly, he carrieth himself as a man of constant resolution, who if he hath once begun to warre and to subdue iniquity in any of your hearts, he will not leave till he makes an end thereof: the guilt of sinne is that which troubles poor souls, now guilt is the obligation of the soul unto justice, it signifies in the Greek to tie & bind; so when a man sinnes he ties and bindes himself over to justice, then God prepares himself for ven­geance: now Jesus Christ he comes & unties this, and setteth his soul at liber [...]y, that sinne shall not again prevail; he will defend that soul to the end, and make it more then con­querour over all its enemies.

Sixthly, where Christ comes as a warrier to conquer, there he also comes as King to reigne, he will rule over them and in them, to give lawes to that soul, and to give an heart to obey them: Christ hath been (haply) a long time pulling down in your souls, well he will come & reign also there & destroy all the works of the Divel in you, and come and rule you, and give you lawes, and a heart to obey them, and that as your King.

Oh then see here the love of God in giving Christ thus to rule over us! consider this love of his from Tit. 3. 3, 4. We our selves also were sometimes, &c. Untill the love of [Page 84] God appeared to a poor Gentile: see what he was, a poor foolish man, that cannot under­stand what command is given; yet these Christ comes to govern nay he finds them not one­ly silly, but disobedient, sturdy, stout, mu­tinous ones, such as will not obey, but Christ appears to make foolish disobedient ones obedient, but that is not all, they are held under deceit, and yet Christ of these makes faithfull ones, yea, that is not all neither, but they serve divers lusts, not one lust but many, but when Christ comes to rule, this soul shall have all subdued to him, oh consider then how free grace appears in this! to whom then will you give up your selves if not to Christ? This may also disco­ver the perverseness of those that will not be ruled by Jesus Christ.

And then hath Jesus Christ taken possession of any of your hearts? ruled for you in your souls? brought down the pride of your heart? laid low the tower of your righteousness? governed you in any measure? then give him the glory of it, and beg of him further to do it: you find much amisse, he onely can mend all who was given for a ruler and commander, Isai. 55. 4. Oh! behold him as s [...]h an one, behold him above all, not onely to help at a dead lift, when your own righteousness cannot do it, but behold [Page 85] him above all as the onely governour of your souls, look on him with an eye of depen­dence, waiting for the accomplishment of his work in your souls, and mourn to think that though he was given to govern you, that you should be governing of your selves without him, and so grieve him; and if Christ be appointed by the Father to govern the Gentiles, then ask your own hearts who governeth you? whose laws do you obey? what rule do you walk by? what ends do you aim at?

And truly upon examination, finding that Christ of his own rich grace had been thus at work in my heart, and this whole dicourse being as it were but a declaration of his dealing with my soul, which I could not pass by without setting down, and putting it upon record, it seeming to me, even as if the Lord had spoken from heaven to my soul in particular; therefore I think I should much dishonour him, if I should not, to his praise, in the desires of my soul acknow­ledg, that every one of these markes of Christ have been in some measure (some more some less) through grace, wrought by him in my heart, though I must still acknowledg that there is too much opposition against him in my soul, which I desire to wait and [Page 86] do expect according as hath been expressed, the utter subduing thereof, which time (I hope) hasteth when Christ will come & take up full possession of my soul, & rule in it and over it for ever.

The same day, in the close of it, Mr. Knight spent a little time upon Esay 65. 24. from which there was also many gracious discoveries hinted out to my soul, concern­ing Gods readiness to hear before his people call, where he puts us upon warchfulness, what work Christ was about in the nation, which the Lord was pleased to make as a spur to my dul spirit to look out what that work was that God was now doing, or about to do in my heart, even I hope fitting of me for a more full enjoyment of himself; then did the Lord also by his servant declare out to us in these latter dayes, these Gospel times, wherein God hastens his work: which throughly I found to be made good to my poor soul, the Lord having been plea­sed exceedingly to hasten his work upon my heart, and the manifestation of his blessed face to my soul, even faster then my scant heart could imagine. Which ap­pearances of this in his manner caused my soul to enter into these serious thoughts and considerations, whether I might not hence [Page 87] argue, that, sure, the Lord was nigh the accomplishment of it by putting an end to to the sinful dayes of my Pilgrimage here below; yea, here did the Lord shew me that whatever it be that lies in the way when he comes to do this great work he wil remove, or down with it: and truly, this I saw through grace, to be his manner of dealing with my soul, be it my own righte­ousness, be it meer relations on whom I too much leaned, and conceived my hap­piness to lie much in, be it what it will, Christ will remove it when he comes to do his great work; therefore, as I was then taught, I ought to relie still upon Christs rea­diness, which the Lord grant I may. There was also hinted to us that nothing was satis­factory to the Saints call, but Gods answer, where the Lord was pleased to convince my soul of the evil that I had so long been guilty of, that I still poured out my prayers before the Lord, but never regarded any answer, concluding that God would never answer them, and truly now the Lord hath been pleased to shew me that it is a great sinne in me to content my self in pouring out my desires, and never looking after the returns of them, untill the Lord was plea­sed suddenly, and in an unexpected manner [Page 88] and measure, as he hath promised to come in with an answer to my soul, even before I thought of it, or expected it, though I had often begged it of the Lord.

Another thing was then hinted to my soul, which the Lord hath been pleased to give me much experience of, to wit, what a bles­sed thing it is, and comfortable to the soul to have mercies come in as an answer to prayer, which is that which maketh them sweet indeed to that soul that enjoyeth them; there was also at this blessed season that objection answered, that the Saints of­ten pray and yet God doth not answer; shew­ing, First, that many times they do not well understand Gods answers, but his answers are very full though they understand them not: Secondly, yea sometimes he answers by conversing with the soul at that time, admit­ing them into his presence with that free­dome; Thirdly, by giving of them strength of grace for the attendance and waiting up­on him; Fourthly, sometimes by awaken­ing of the soul by a due prizing of the mer­cies begged; Fifthly, sometimes by giving in of mercies that are not in the same kind the soul would have them: every of which wayes I now see the Lord hath an­swered those prayers which formerly I [Page 89] thought had been covered with a cloud; from all wich did the Lord stir up my soul to a quick, lively, diligent search into the answers of prayers that had been put up to the Lord by my poor soul for many years past to this day, in the search of which I found many rich answers that I had long robbed the Lord of the glory of.

The ninth of March did the Lord please to send that servant of his Mr. Marshall to the Chappel at Fulham, who did from the Lord declare a most gracious and comforta­ble word to my soul, which the Lord plea­sed to blesse to me, and may be ground for my faith while I have a day to live in this sinneful world, that which the Lord was pleased to hint from him 1 Ephes. 22, 23. from which he took occasion to shew us that Christ do stand in that relation to all his Saints, as the naturall head doth to the natural body; and that therefore as in the natural body all those perfections that are in the head, are in it, for the good and use of the whole body; and that if every limb and joint, if it could speak, it might say, I am at ease, I can see, taste, smel, and the like, therefore all these perfections in Christ the head are in him for the good and use of every one of his members.

What ever can be spoken concerning Christ as undertaking the work of mans sal­vation, they are these perfections of Christ the head; as for example, as the fulness of Christs person, his divine and humane per­fections, all the excellencies of his offices, all his merits, and all his satisfactions, gifts, graces, every thing that can be truely spo­ken of Christ, since he was designed of God for the salvation of man, all these perfecti­ons are purposely in him for the good of his Church, he proved it from Heb. 7. 22. Where he is called the surety of a better Testament; Christs love is set out by a surety­ship; now a surety, as a surety, is wholly for the good of them whom he is thus a surety for; if a man, as a surety, shall be­come bound to an other, when he seals the bond he doth it as a surety; when he is arrested for the debt, it is as he is a surety; when he payes the debt, when he cancels the bond, he doth it as a surety, all he doth; from the be­ginning to the end, is onely his voluntary act undertaking to be a pawne and pledge; Thus did Jesus Christ.

God the Father he enters into a covenant with lost man undertaking to be the God of sinfull man, and man covenants to be his people; he covenanteth to give them this benefit, and they to yeild him this obe­dience: [Page 91] now Jesus Christ he comes and undertaketh to be a surety for both, he undertaketh to God, on mans part, all that man oweth shall be paid, every jot of duty to be performed shall be performed; and on Gods part, he undertaketh all the good that God hath promised shall be made good to them upon their beleeving; thus he is a surety.

The like expressions you have Joh. 7. 21. when Christ prayed to the Father for them, whom he undertook, first, to bring them home, then, to keep them in this world, then, that they might partake of his glory with the Father; for their sakes I sanctifie my self: now to be sanctified signifieth ordinarily to be made clean from corruption, and indued with grace and holiness, but sanctification in this place properly is nothing else but se­paration to God, therefore, said Christ, I did separate my self, give up my self to God; and all the work that Christ undertook he expresseth in that word, he separated himself for their sakes: so that if you do ask why was the Sonne of God made man? why he lived? why he died? why he preached? why he prayed? all was for their sakes, that is, for their sakes whom he there prayed for: and then in 1 Cor. 1. last. Jesus Christ is said to be made unto us wisdome, righteousness, [Page 92] sanctification and redemption, Christ was made all this, and he was made it of God, and made it for us, wisdome to us, righteous­ness to us, all to us; nay there is no one thing spoken of Christ through the Scri­ptures, but there are plain Scriptures that do shew, that it was for us: when he was made flesh, the Scripture saith, it is to us a child is born, and a sonne given; when he lived, he lived for us, he is said to die for our sinnes, and rise again for justification; he ascended for us, and sitteth at Gods right hand for us, for our sakes he returns to judgement. Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my poor spirit from these Scri­ptures! thinking with my self, oh wretch­ed heart, why shouldest thou ever harbour one hard thought of God or Christ more? or give way to one doubt more?

Then, in the application he came to put this lively question to our hearts.

Whether do any of you relye on Christ for your Saviour, and see the need you have of him? hath the Lord convinced you of your own lost undone condition through sinne, perswading you to go to Jesus Christ, and cast your souls on him to undertake for you? doth God witness with your souls, that really and sincerely, above all things [Page 93] in the world you desire to be found in Christ? if this be thy condition (to which my soul did, and doth answer before the Lord, Lord thou searcher of hearts knowest, by thy rich grace, thou hast many years ago brought my soul to this very frame) then what is it thou canst want, if Christ be thy Saviour? why all that is in him is for thee, all that wisdome and grace that is in him is for thee, and will not this answer all thy objections; if thou couldest but understand it rightly, what is it thou canst say thou wantest but it is in Christ? I, saith the soul, I know he is all-sufficient; then this is in him for thee.

Then he came to answer a great objection? which (I must confesse) hath puzled my soul many a year, and laid me under very sad feares, which the Lord cleared up in some measure to my soul heretofore, but much confirmed me at this present.

Object. I but (saith a soul) if I could in­deed partake of this you speak of, oh! this would settle my poor heart; but this rather maketh me fear that I have no part in Christ, if all that he hath be for his members; if I were one of his members how come I to be so emptie? could he then deny me that which I humbly beg of him every day? the Lord is my witness (saith the soul) that [Page 94] I have for many years made my daily suit, that Jesus Christ would please to give me pardon, and grace, and wisdome, and abi­lity to serve him; if he be a friend, yea, and trusty, and thus faithfull, would he deny it me if I had a right to it? therefore I rather fear, I am none of his.

1. Answ. Say not such a word (saith he) for it may be, thou hast a great deal more then thou dost take notice of; If Jesus Christ hath tendred satisfaction to the fathers justice, and the Father hath accepted of it, and if he hath merited all grace for thee, and hath already purchased it for thee, and will give it out when thou hast most need, thou art then more happy by having it in his hand, then if it were in thy own keep­ing: even as if one were my surety, haply I want much wherewith to pay all my debts, and to provide that for me which I want; now if he goes and cancells all my bonds, and purchaseth in his hands whatso­ever I need, is not this for me, though not yet delivered into my own hand? thou must by that eye of faith see what Christ hath done to the Father, and what in his own hand he hath received from the Father: and if it be in his hand for thee, is it not as good as in thine own?

2. Thou sayest thou hast so little, It may be thou mightest have a great deal more then thou hast, if thou wert indeed content­ed that Christ should be the well-head, and thou onely the cistern; but we would faine have our portion of grace to be in our own hands, and then we would look upon our selves to be as somebody; whereas, if we could be but contented to let Christ have the honour of all, and we think it enough to be but partakers of it by faith, we should have much more commited to our hands then we have already. Oh how fully did these two answers come in upon my heart!

3. There are no better arguments of a heart filled with grace, then to be mourning for the want of grace; for look in the book of God, and there they that make the great­est moane over their own hearts, and their want of grace, they are the most eminent of all other, as we see in Paul and David; this I speak (saith he) not to encourage any in a careless lazy way, but to comfort drooping spirits, and the rather, because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ, and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ, [Page 96] the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him; thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members, then, accordingly, as soon as ever you find any defect in your selves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace, let the next question be, But hath he not sufficiency for this? then betake to Jesus Christ: as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountaine, and on a sudden had a slip, and spilt it all out of her paile, and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost, now whether were it better, or a sign of more wisdome for her to stand ga­thering up of that which she spilt, or to go and dip her paile into the Well again, and so fill it presently? surely the last were her wisdome: so when we lose our peace and our comfort, we ought to be humbled, but to think to recruit our selves by our ga­thering up that which we have lost, this is not our wisdome; let us go to Christ, our well-head, and make it up presently.

From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly, having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost, neglecting Jesus Christ, [Page 97] where was fullness; then did the Lord, by this servant of his, mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ, to bend our mindes, heads, and hearts and all, to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ, and that from the conside­ration of the excellency of this knowledg above all other knowledg; yea further, what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth, and know your own happiness; for instance, imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure, and an officer should stand by and say, Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house? haply you will say (for curiosity sake) we care not if we do; but if he comes to one of them and sayes, Sir, all that is here is yours, you are made whole executor, and it is all bequeathed to you, oh! how would this man search the house? how he would study every deed, and every word in it, and search every cabinet, and get an inventory of all that was there; why, for they are all his: so, when we see the wealth, rarities of o­thers, we say, but what do they concern me? or if I should see the wealth of Solomon, what am I the richer? but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches.

Oh my soul, the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night! here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others, when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints, it may be a discouragement, as when I read of the pa­tience of Job, I am discouraged, because I am so peevish; when I read of the holiness of David, who prayed seven times a day, and many times in the night rising to prayer, this discourageth me; but when I read of Christs patience or boliness, I look on him, not as abstract from me, but as my head, as one that all he did was for me; oh, then who would not but know what is knowable of him!

But then again, did Christ do all he did for us? then surely every thing, yea, all that a Christian hath should be for Christ, and then should we shew our selves Christians indeed, as Paul, 2 Cor. 5. 14, 15. for (saith he) the love of Christ constrained us, for we thus judge, that if Christ died for us, then were we dead; then we that live should live to him that died for us; the love of Christ over­came him, and carried him captive, as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat: what was I dead, and did Christ give me life? then if by the grace of God I live, I [Page 99] will give that life to Christ: never do you live like a Christian till you come to this, to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy, your estate, Trade, and in all your outward comforts; and its most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetorick under heaven will more prevail to the per­formance of a duty, or to the avoiding of what is evil, then to perswade to the one, or to forbear the other, by the love of Christ; this drawes out the heart to be liberal for Christ, and serviceable to Christ; oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart! the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me, which wrought so upon my heart, and made me greatly to desire and beg of God, that whatever I had or enjoy­ed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glo­ry.

The 18 of March, Mr. Knight being un­der some bodily distemper, not being fit to preach, my heart was drawen out to go to London to hear, though with some bodily prejudice, not being very well, and the wea­ther falling out wet, yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul, both from Mr. Simpson, whom I [Page 100] heard in the morning, as also from Mr. Ro­gers, whom I heard in the afternoon, Mr. Simpson spake from that Scripture, Ephes. 1. 6, 7. verses.

The 23 of March, 1652. being the fourth day of the week, did the Lord go on yet fur­ther to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul, from Mr. Knights mi­nistery, who then spake to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19. We love him, because he first loved us; whence was observed, That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself, so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love, whereby we love God again; so that, being beloved we love the first lover which is God. There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts, the one is to take a view of God in his rich love; & the o­ther, to veiw our selves intrested in that love.

For the first, all sights of God are glori­ous, because his glory passeth through all his discoveries; but no sight more ravishing then that of his love, and no love like his distinguishing love, with which he loves his people, whereby he makes them both lov­ing and lovely, for the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love, and the lustre and glory of that love is, that it springs from his love who loved us first.

And here he shewed us, that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ, taking a due survey of the foun­tain of all saving operation to be in God himself: and secondly, that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts, and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his, and their loves to God again.

In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God: secondly, the manner of his communicating of all saving good, its through love; and then the object of this love (us;) and lastly, the priority of it, he loved us first; where was further obser­ved, that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God, it is not drawn forth, but puts forth it self in love, that there is nothing in the creature to procure it, neither can any thing in the creature hinder it; whiles we were yet enemies he recon­ciled us by the blood of his cross.

This love in God is a nature not a passion.

And all he hath, and is, and doth to be­leevers, issues through his love, his wisdome, power, all is communicated through love, so that we were taught,

First, that the Saints are the blessed ones of God.

Secondly, they are beloved before they love.

Thirdly, that they that are beloved of him do love him.

Fourthly, that they love him because they are first beloved.

And by Application of these we are taught.

First to be like our heavenly Father in love, yea in loving where we are not be­loved; this was a singular thing required of the Saints, especially to love mens souls, the stream of divine love it runs in the salva­tion of mens souls; it loves to be like God.

Secondly, let no man glory in what he is, what hast thou that is not an issue of this love? this love makes the difference between thee and others, be not high minded but fear.

Thirdly, consider your ingagements to divine love, you owe all you have, and are, and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God.

Fourthly, we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us; love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object: so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us, and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ: as also fifthly, we [Page 103] were exhorted to walk answerable to this love.

First, humbly, it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are.

Secondly, look into all your wayes, to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you.

Thirdly, be transformed into love, that you may be lovely as well as beloved.

Fourthly, as you look into Gods first love, so look into your own first love; abate not of your love to him, for he abates not: what he ever was, that he will be unto you.

Fifthly, if the Saints are beloved, let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones, his darlings.

Sixthly, walk chearfully, you are beloved from above, what if the servant frown so the Master love?

Give God your first love.

Give God your self, in your lives, not onely your duties but your selves; for God gives you, in his love not onely your pardon, and gifts and graces, but himself.

Be not jealous of God, he loved first,

Be like God, be first in love to the Saints, look not for love to your self but be lovely to others.

Love first, and that will draw love.

God liveth where he loveth, he loveth us first, then God liveth where he loveth, as the creature is said to do: if God loveth us, then he is said to live within us, and that continually; and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints, for as God liveth in heaven, so he doth in the heart of his Saints: there­fore say not, who shall go into heaven to see God? but if God loves thee, and his heart be set on thee, there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee, which is a heaven to the heart.

Is Gods love to you? then look for as­much as Gods love can afford; now what will not love afford to a mans wife or chil­dren? it contenteth them not that they have meat, drink, apparel, but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world: now all in God issues through his love; therefore, oh Saints! raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford, so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height, depth, and length of the love of God.

Oh how should your hearts rejoyce! ye live not by what you have, but on what is in the heart of your Father; oh! there­fore go with open mouths, and enlarged [Page 105] hearts to him, for if he can find any admi­nistration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts, look for that, because he thought no blood could satisfie you, but his Sonnes blood.

Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne, oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned! do not content your selves with little things, and say, oh! if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not; but re­member in what relation you are set, even under the beams of divine love, therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you.

Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me! and still he goes on con­firming my soul in the apprehension of his love; which doth (in some measure) cause my soul to turn back with love to him again, which the Lord increase.

The second of March 1653. having ap­pointed a Church-meeting, every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham, and it being now to begin, and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts, the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his pre­sence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren, fitting them [Page 106] for this work, taking speciall notice of one of them, whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension (as I conceive) of the weight of the work, which (I confess) took much upon my heart; and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf, as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls.

The 28 of March, how many sweet re­freshments did the Lord hand out to my soul? (which I desire may abide upon my spirit) through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham, from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take, eat, this is my body that is broken for you, this do in re­membrance of me; from the word [take] there are seven considerations, full of abun­dant comforts, as they were set upon my heart, as

First, here observe Christs heart, and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh, how freely himself offers the riches of mer­cy, [take] why what, or whom should we take, but himself, possess himself? thus he standeth calling and crying, take me, love me, receive me, eat me, drink me; let me be yours, oh high love! he doth not bid the soul take wrath, vengeance, death, or hell, but take me.

Secondly, his commands are more to plea­sure [Page 107] you then himself, why should we take Christ? why this is my body that was broken for you, my blood that was shed for you, take me for your own sakes, for you need me, to refresh your hearts, therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it, but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me, that may do you all good: oh high love!

Thirdly, observe, Christ sees our need better then our selves, there are bowels of compassion in him; what, for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much? yet so it is here, you have not the disciples crying, oh Christ give us thy self, and blood, but here is a Christ who having it, and knowing that we stand in need of it, offers it freely, [take] oh ad­mirable love!

Fourthly, observe, he is not content till you be fully supplyed, he setteth no bounds, but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold; take what? whole me, all of me; my spirit, blood, mediation with the Father, all my righteousness; take all, he stinteth no man, but opens wide the treasure of his grace.

Fifthly, observe hence, Christ is well ac­quainted with the fears of his Saints hearts, therefore, saith he, [take] imploing, as [Page 108] if the trembling heart would say, O Lord, I dare not, these things are too great and good; I know thy fears (saith Christ) but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all, for this law comes with power; take and eat, he bids you take, and that on pain of disobedience to Christ, when Sathan, and sinne, and corruption say, eat not, then re­member what Christ your Lord saith, [take and eat] and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger, if any say, eat not, Christ sayes, eat; though the fears are great, and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart, yet still Christ biddeth them, [take and eat.]

Sixthly, Christ knew the Saints would tremble, on the point of unworthiness, therefore he saith, [take, eat] why what is it but my body that is broken for you; will you throw away that which is for you? but you are unworthy, why this is that which maketh you worthy; because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you: and though they may cry out, they were unfit, he commands them to remem­ber, how fit Christ is for them; for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak, and need nourishment? for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart? for [Page 109] whom is that act of Christ, but for that soul, that cries, Lord I am unworthy, thou shouldest come under my roofe?

Seventhly, he saith [take] which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself, and this is that indeed this ordi­nance gives forth, when a man so taketh Christ, as that Christ is his [take, eat, this is my body that is broken for you] shewing that the Saints ought, in the communica­tion of this divine mystery, to take Christ wholly, & by this to claim propriety, because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us, and we sinne against him, if we take him not; O therefore take him as your own.

He saith not onely [take] but [eat] you take in order to eating, so that your accepta­tion of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ, and filled, for he is not onely to gaze on, as the brasen Serpent was, but to feed on, as the manna was, therefore (saith Christ) [take and eat] rendring him­self in the most easie way of administration; nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat, a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat, yet be­hold here,

First, That you had need to be intreated [Page 110] to eat and feed on Christ, else what need this word, but to note, that the Saints were apt to stand still, when they should be feeding on Christ, therefore saith he [take and eat.]

Secondly, This is of all other the most easie way of partaking, being a natural act, for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain, yea the pain within is supplyed, & the hunger satisfied.

Thirdly, He setteth no bounds but [take and eat] it is a command that lyeth on us, for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts, for so farre we may eat, and no further: Christ bids you take what you need, implying,

1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat, else it would not become Christ to bid them, but he saith [take and eat] implying that no Saint can say, Lord I have a desire to eat, but here is not enough, they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt, but can find no pardon, no, Christ bids you [eat] implying there is enough to feed on.

2. He setteth you no time neither, but eat as long as you live, yea untill his coming again.

O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart, and even swallow up my [Page 111] soul in the admiration of that love! the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever.

March the 30, the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension, and in a spiritual man­ner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise.

March the 30 the Lord was pleased ex­ceedingly to draw out my heart in the be­halfe of my Mother, whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God, beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world, and all things here below, and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her, and let down the light of his countenance upon her, and shew her his face, and not his back, that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart, and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer, so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this re­quest come up in remembrance before him, and give in a gracious answer to it, as also [Page 112] that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her, and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication, in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him, as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances, be­seeching him, that as it was he, and he alone, that causeth his people to profit, so that he would please to give out to this his poor servant a profiting spirit under his admi­nistrations to her, which desires were not onely put up before the Lord but are the issuings out of my heart frequently before the Lord, on her behalfe.

March 31 the Lord was exceedingly plea­sed to put it upon my heart to seek his face in the behalf of my dear Brother, desiring above all earthly blessings, that the Lord would be pleased to give me him in as a re­turn of prayer, that one so night me might not perish; in which desires he drew out my heart exceedingly, insomuch, then and of­ten since, so that I could willingly pour out my very life for him, that the Lord would but touch his heart in mercy, and that that work we hope the Lord hath begun in him, he would finish, telling the Lord with­all that he had said, what ever we ask be­leeving we shall receive, beseeching him to [Page 114] increase my saith, telling him further, that it was my desire to beleeve, and expect the return of this poor desire in his own time, and how it might make most for his glory, and that, if it were his will, to let me see it: and that seeing he had given me thus much boldness, from the experience of his richness in answering the desires of my poor soul both for my self and others; that he would also please to give in this poor Bro­ther, as a return of prayer, and help me to give him the glory of it, and, truly im­mediately before this duty, it was much set upon my heart to beg of God to manifest his pleasure to me in this thing, and in drawing out my heart and the heart of o­thers of his people on his behalfe.

March 31. In my morning-sacrifice I had this discovery or experiment hinted up­on my spirit, that if it were so good to be in the heart of Gods people, as my soul had found by experience it was, being real­ly perswaded that much of the soul-mercies that I enjoy came in through the prayers of some of Gods people for me: oh what is it then to be in the heart of God! for, truly, had I not been in his heart, the be­ing in their heart would little have advan­taged me.

April the sixteenth, the Lord having been pleased two or three dayes before, much to disappoint that expectation of my soul, providence casting me among several godly persons, and finding little of God drop from them to my spiritual advantage, as also finding my own heart exceedingly bound up whiles I was in their company, when as I was going home, it so seised up­on my spirit, that I thought my very heart was overset, and would have burst within me, all which put my soul, into a holy awe and trembling, for fear lest the Lord should also at this present withdraw from me, which put my soul upon a more earnest and impor­tunate seeking of him to appear to my soul through every ordinance of his, that I might see his face and not his back, urging of him very much with the promise that he had said, that the seed of Jacob should not seek his face in vaine; beseeching the Lord that it might be made good to my soul at this time, the next day, if he should please to adde this one opportunity more to me: telling him withall that it was true I might, (yea I had sought other things in vaine I but) should I seek his face in vaine, now, that I come onely to seek his face, re­lying on his promise he had made me, that [Page 116] I should not seek in vaine, and therefore I did desire to roul upon it, beseeching him to increase my faith that I might really and indeed expect the performance, and making of it good at this present to my soul: and truly I dare not but (to his praise) ac­knowledg and desire that the remembrance of it might dwel upon my heart, and the Lord was pleased, in a wonderfull manner to manifest himself this day, being the 17 of April, to my soul, through which that whole day both in prayer and preaching, every word in prayer coming as if it had been fetched from the bottom of my heart, and every word in the Sermons, being of such spiritual concernment to me, that I could not but acknowledg the Lord mighti­ly present through his servant Mr. Knight this day.

And truly this former appearance of God having so rasished my heart, and refreshed my spirit, I was also imboldened to seek the Lord for his appearance April 20. be­seeching him that as he had begun his work in abundant measure in mercy, that he would also please to go on and adde this one mercy more and trust me with it, and give me a heart to improve it to his glory, that as he had given me this abundant experience [Page 117] of not seeking his face in vaine, so that he would strengthen my faith, even at this time also to call upon him, and truly the Lord was pleased also to bow down and appear abundantly to my soul this day also through Mr. Knight.

April 27. I gave up in a note this day that one desires to praise the Lord, that, amidst all the trials he hath been pleased to ex­cercise her under in this pilgrimage, he hath been pleased to give her some tastes of the rest that is onely to be enjoyed in himself, be­seeching him so to increase her faith, that she may be enabled to live upon a promise; this was given up to Mr. Knight to spread before the Lord, April 24. 1653. For one whom the Lord hath been pleased, out of his free grace, to set his first love upon, and conti­nually to follow with mercy upon mercy, and to give in one return upon the neck of another, notwithstanding she had often in the rebellion of her heart, said, that God had covered all her prayers with a cloud, and would never answer any of them, which yet he hath abundantly done, which she is not able any way sufficiently to admire, or blesse his name for, and therefore desires that those whose hearts the Lord hath more inlarged to this glorious heavenly work, [Page 118] would help to blesse and praise that name of God, whom there is none like unto, who continually waiteth that he may be gracious; beseeching him that he would al­so enable her soul to wait, to blesse and praise his name, yea, wait for a heart suited to all these wonderful appearances of his to her soul, that she might be more and more dedi­cated and given up to him, and him alone in all she hath, is, or shall be enabled to do: this also was given up to Mr. Knight.

April 26. apprehending that one pro­pounded to the Church intended to address himself to the Church for admission, being before, much dissatisfied concerning him, yet finding much inclination in the spirits of o­thers to him, I was exceedingly troubled a­bout it, and besought the Lord to direct me what to do in it, beseeching him also to ap­pear among us, and give in his spirit, that it might be to us a spirit of discerning, that he would be pleased to enable him to make out yet more clearly, that work that he had wrought in his soul, if indeed there were any, or else give us such a discerning spirit, as might teach us what to do in it, that, if it were his will, there might no soul come in among us that might any way dar­ken his glory, but that those that were re­ceived [Page 119] might be such as himself by his spi­rit, should receive, nor none be detained but such as himself should, by his spirit, through his poor servants detain; as also begging of the Lord, and that with much earnestness, that if there were no real work of his upon his heart, that he would be plea­sed to find out some way or other in his wis­dome to keep him off.

April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased gra­ciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry, ei­ther without a cause, or upon a light ground, and so to dishonour the Lord; which convicti­on was set home from Mr. Knights expressi­on of Mat. 5. 22. I say, if you be angry with your Brother without a cause, you shall be in dan­ger of judgement; and whosoever sayes to his Bro­ther Racha, (which word expressed their con­temning of their Brethren; that is, to have contemptible thoughts of them,) this is a greater evil, for this is in danger of the Coun­cel: but whosoever shall say, thou fool, (that is, one that hath no understanding, but is even as a beast) this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne, for (saith he,) he shall be in danger of hell fire.

From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart, that I had been [Page 120] exceeding guilty, (even to this day) in a great measure, of those evils, which con­viction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me (through the strength of Christ) more watchfull over my own heart in this respect, then ever I have been.

There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart, from these words; if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee: (he doth not say, if thou hast ought against him, but if he hath ought against thee) do thou seek reconciliation, yea, leave not till it be wrought out; from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty, and told me I should not suffer any pre­judice to lie in my heart against any, but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this, as that which (through grace) I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart, and enabled me daily to practise.

The same day the Lord was pleased, in the ministery of his word, to convince my soul, that it is not the performance of du­ties at set times, this is not all required, but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ, and the like, (that it cries out as the infant after the breast) & is not satisfied with any thing without it, but the soul panteth [Page 121] within it self, and wanteth some manifesta­tion of Christ, and this putteth upon duty: from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul, that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times.

Which put my soul upon a search into it self, whether I were not guilty in this re­spect, after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties, doing them many times, especially hereto­fore, without this strong panting, and sense of my want.

April 27. Oh my soul! art thou not able to say, through grace, before the Lord the searcher of hearts, that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth, or that action done by thee in any place or compa­ny, that passeth by thee without a reveiw, judging and condemning thy self for them.

The beginning of May, though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul, the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul, are, as it were, drawn over with a cloud, yet, even then, oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee, by enabling thee (in some measure) to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasona­ble times brought to thy veiw, that in Hos. [Page 122] 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree, in me is thy fruit found: now this tree is alwayes green.

Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation, (oh my soul!) even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty, or ordinance, or society, that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear, and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance, and to cry mightily after him?

O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God, when thou dost so frequently, and restlesly, desire the pre­sence and appearance of God, in every or­dinance and duty! if it be not for his own sake, why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves?

Two papers were given to Mr. Knight, to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation, May 4, 1653.

1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death, and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation, to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever, even by their souls, to be admired and praised, being a God that delighteth in mercy, and in the manifestation of it to [Page 123] their poor souls, notwithstanding all their rebellions against him; the desire therefore of their souls is that you (who love and feat the Lord, would improve your interest in him in their behalf, that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions, that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies, though he wounds, yet it is he that heals; though he layes sick­ness, weakness, distempers, whatever he please upon them, that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man, to subdue and mortifie their corrupti­ons, and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan, enabling them to walk with an holy awe, and fear of his blessed self, in the whole course of their conversations, in all their re­lations, and under the dispensations of God to them, that so, if the Lord please, they might never prove by their uneven conversa­tions any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God, and their Saviour Jesus Christ; the thoughts whereof was (if their hearts deceive them not) more bitter then death.

2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him, in the behalf of some poor, dead, dark, soul, who is nearly related to them, that the Lord would once be pleased to speak [Page 124] so effectually to their hearts, that they might be caused to stand up on their feet, and Jesus Christ might give them life; that, seeing he hath said, the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God, and hearing live, that this blessed word might be made good to their soules, that so they might have cause to praise him, even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy.

This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation; afterwards it was ex­ceedingly set upon my heart, not to do it onely in his behalf, but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me.

May the 4. Oh my soul! must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul, before they were effectually put up? puting in, at the very time, a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants, suiting to thy trou­bles, and fears, supporting thy spirit under them abundantly?

And did not the Lord, (that same day May 4.) by a letter, that, (as soone as I came home,) came to my hands, gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul, which came, (as it were,) as a fresh return of prayer, this very person be­ing in my heart in these desires that were then put up?

May 21. the Lord was pleased, one E­vening, very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every or­dinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly, and next day (being the first day of the week) truly, the Lord was pleased very much to appear, in the morning, to re­fresh and chear my heart, and so also in the ordinance of the supper; for which bless the Lord, O my soul.

The fourth of the fourth moneth; In the Evening I found my heart very dead, and dull to any spiritual service, yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him, begging a special presence of his the next day, both in prayer and preaching, and the ordinance of the supper, begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name, that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him, as might be a token of good to my soul.

And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear, not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him, but doing abundantly above even my ex­pectation, in some sense riding triumphant­ly and gloriously in the charet of his word.

The 13 of this fourth moneth, in the E­vening, the Lord drew out my heart very much, amongst other things, to plead with him to discover to me what the desires, the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed, after telling him withall, that (as farre as I knew my own heart,) it was not after the world, the profits, pleasures, or any thing in it, beseeching him to search and try me, and if I were deceived in this, to discover it to me, and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself, as to blast it, and to make me sensible of it, and humble before him for it, but telling him withall, that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness, they shall be satisfied and filled, and truely if (I know any thing of my own heart) this is it my soul waiteth for, and brayeth after, to be made more like him, more conformable to him, to have the spirit of a child put upon me, whereby I might be more like unto him, and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him: but that, if it were not thus with me, but that I were deceived in it, I did then beg, above all things in the world, that the Lord would discover it unto me.

The 25 of this fourth moneth, my spirit [Page 127] wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day, and suiting my heart to it, (which I found in a very dead & dul frame) beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not an­swer that wretched frame my heart was then in, but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him.

As also, that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face, and to seek his pre­sence, that they might find some word suita­ble to their condition; and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires, both in behalf of my own soul, and also on the behalf of others? how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word? this day in the morning, presenting very glorious usefull truths, seasonable to my poor soul, which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of, enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corrup­tion.

Yea, the Lord was pleased, in a further way, to answer my desires for others, putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson, concerning free-will, who was much in my thoughts in my former requests, shewing how the promises were made in re­spect [Page 128] of our own weakness and nothingness; for had the creature any power, God need not promise to do all.

The Lord having thus appeared this morning, there arose in my heart a question at noon, whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his, but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued, as if I did desire to appear to be somebody, with the like temptation was kept off, yet (notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit, for I was greatly desi­rous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it,) yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine! For Mr. Knight himself, upon his own account, did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day, and so throughout, with which my heart did really close, and so did our Sister Arnal, as she said afterward, as well as my self, greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn.

Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference, and somewhat of God appearing from several of them, my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them, having two or three [Page 129] things upon my spirit, wherein I was much unsatisfied, and having resolved upon the thing in general, there arose a great dispute in my spirit, which question to propound first, (for they all left much weight upon my spirit) and amongst others, I had a very strong desire to propound this, what means might be best available for the subduing of pride; and strong debate had I in my spirit, before I could passe this over, yet, at the last my spirit was overcome to propound ano­ther, which proved very suitable to many other spirits, in which I saw some hand of God.

Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride, but how gloriouly did the Lord a while af­ter (the 26 of this fourth moneth) appear in answer to it? shewing me, that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances, which the Lord enable me to do.

About the end of this fourth moneth, ob­serving Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the govern­ment, upon which, for some time, he was very weak in praying for it, and seeking the Lord for them in place, which was a great trouble to my spirit, whereupon I made a [Page 130] draught of a letter to send to him, wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts, desiring him to take a veiw of what he deli­vered to us the last thanksgiving day, from that, Isai. 65. 24. before they call I will an­swer, shewing, that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes, that he often left his own behind, with some other such hints, which letter I did not send, fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind.

But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart, but not presented at all save onely before the Lord? who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him, and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth, (upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them) the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai. 65. 24. before they call I will answer, which was a real answer of my poor desires, wherein the Lord shewed me, that the desires I had were yet upon his heart, (for which bless the Lord O my soul) who, though thou didst not press them, (those desires be­ing hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind,) yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at.

There was the 10 of the 6 moneth, at a private day of humiliation (we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation & our selves) four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight, these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth: The first was this one, (to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word, what great advantages there are held out in it, to the cleansing of the soul, and perfecting of holiness in them, but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls, although (if their heart deceive them not) it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness, and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen, which maketh them even cry out for deliverance, and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more, but shall be made like unto him,) desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends, that seeing his will is in those things, and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it, that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on, and what shall be discovered to be the let, it may also by him be removed whatever it be, though [Page 132] in things never so near and dear, and their hearts supported and born up, and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet, to be made to do, to bear, to suffer, to for­sake any thing for his glory.

But how graciously did the Lord (this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth) begin to answer one main thing in this request, discovering to my soul, that haply, one main end why he did not per­fect this work of holiness in me, but suffer corruption still to work, might be, that I might yet cry out more mightily to him; happly, I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after re­mission and pardon, and the sight of sinne; and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him, and resolve to give him no rest, yet not that I should content my self in pour­ing out those desires to him, and so rest there, (as was also hinted to me the same day) but to be watchful over my heart and consci­ence, watching and praying, calling and crying, untill the Lord appears, and not to think it enough to spread these desires before, the Lord, and then give way to sinne, and temptation, and corruption, and (as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth [Page 133] 1653. hinted to me) what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin, but that we come more near to him, and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it? and, on the other side, what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement? now, (O my soul) is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end, or Sathans end? oh therefore close in with God, & beg power and strength of him to do it.

Nay, in farther answer, the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief, and first of my own heart, this eleventh day, saying, O my soul, is it not thy duty to beleeve; for is it not said, blessed are they that beleeve? though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense, yet, O my soul, roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith, for faith is the substance of things not seen, and the evidence of things hoped for; therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death, then faith shall cease, and be of no use; but now is the time to act faith, when thou canst, by the eye of sense see nothing, but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and cor­ruption.

And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God, the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work, that it is his will even our sanctifica­tion, and that we may well remember him with it, and pray as he teacheth us, that his will may be done, so it shall certainly be, but did the Lord discover to my soul (the eleventh of this moneth) that this also was part of the prayer of Christ, sanctify them through thy truth, Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave; I thank thee, O Father, that thou hast heard me alwayes, but I speak it for their sakes, that they might be­leeve; now, (O my soul) if this be Christs prayer, and that as he saith, Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely, but all that should after beleeve, and if God heareth him in what ever he ask­eth, as (he saith) he doth; then, O my soul, up and beleeve, for this work shall certainly go on.

The truth is, the Lord did herein not onely answer to this, but to the other re­quest also that was this day presented, so that the Lord did answer them both, even as I did at once present them both, (blessed for ever be his name)

Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also [Page 135] to Mr. Knight, to be put up to God in way of thanks, saying, one, whom the Lord hath been pleased (through rich grace and mer­cy) to hear, and answer since our last meet­ing, desires to magnifie the name of our pray­er-hearing God, a God that delighteth in mercy, and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature, beseeching him further to increase my faith, and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus, that so my soul may find abundant strength, healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth.

The same tenth of this sixth month, the second paper that I put up this day was in re­lation to our communion, which I thus ex­pressed; One of this despised handful desires, that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him, that we have been guilty before him of rashness, and inconsiderateness, together with want of love and tenderness to each other, which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of, and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work, that we might never by a­ny of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world.

In answer to which, the Lord was pleased [Page 136] in some measure, to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it, a sense of and to mourn for one, who came in at the first, without due trial, (which I hope, not without some ground, the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spi­rits, with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it.)

The tenth of the sixth moneth, were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast, thus; One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord, and to spread the sad condition of one in near rela­tion to her, that conceiveth himself in a happy condition, when there are grounds e­nough to fear the contrary, she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him, that so he may have no rest in his soul, till he be brought home, and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ, that onely foundation.

The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a bo­dy of death and corruption, (under which the party sadly mourns) polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto, therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord, that he would come and dwel in her soul, and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her, and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to [Page 137] himself, or any way darkens his glory.

The 13 of the sixth moneth, The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an in­crease of faith, even beyond sight & sense, that though I could not see corruption dead, yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time; as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother, and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death, who had been subject to this bondage, and help her to commit her soul to him, as a faithful creatour, and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father.

The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth; was discovered to me, that I had often thought, that if I had but assurance of the love of God, then nothing could trouble me, but I should be swallowed up with joy, and even overcome with it: but (Oh my soul) hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appear­ed abundantly in way of refreshment to thee? or rather quite contrary, since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath, oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God, a Father of so much mercy.

About the end of the seventh moneth, the Lord being pleased to lay some light afflicti­on [Page 138] upon my poor body, thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him: Blessed Lord, what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements? oh that thou wouldst discover it! and rather let this affliction a­bide, continue, yea be increased, and aug­mented what thou wilt, rather then that the corruption should not be discovered, and purged out; which requests were still con­tinued: Then was the Lord pleased in some measure, in answer hereunto, to discover those things following to me, which I know not, but that he might much aim at; as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in mi­sery? Might not the Lord lay his hand up­on thee, though not in that kind? nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke? hast not thou deserved it as wel as she? might not the Lord do it to call thee home, and quicken thee from thy sloth, deadness, & dulness, and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord? (O blessed father, saith my soul, let my corruptions be wrought out, and thy poor creature quickned.)

Was not thy heart and affections exceed­ingly running out from the Lord to the crea­ture? oh blened be that stroke that cals thee [Page 139] back so that this work were but done by it.

The third day of the eighth moneth, be­ing much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God, and scandal to the Gospel, by the sad falling of one of our brethren, and the fear that is upon my heart touching him:

The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening, to beg of him to disco­ver to our souls in generall, and to my soul in particular, what his ends were in gather­ing this poor handful together, telling him, I hope, he did not do it to make us the in­struments of his dishonour to the world, and withall I was put upon it (I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord) in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul, what my ends were injoyning in that communion, and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie, telling him withal, that surely my desires were to attend upon di­rection in it, and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act, that the Lord would please to discover it to me, whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart a­bout it, and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect, that the Lord would convince [Page 140] me of it, and humble my soul deeply for it, and pardon it in Christs blood: now (O my soul) deal impartially in this work of exa­mination in this thing, and spread it before him.

THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments: Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers, and other gracious incomes of Love.

THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES, Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer, &c.

These Records I desire to leave of Gods appearance to my soul from time to time, which I trust (if my wicked heart deceive me not) was done upon this account, that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am, I might yet leave a good report of God behinde me, after my departure hence, he having so often made it appear that hee is a God good unto the unthankeful, disobedient, and rebellious.

This begins with the 8 Month, 1654.

THe 27. of this month, there being a great desire in severall of us to have some [Page 297] Church meeting set up amongst us, which had been long delayed, (my mother, and my self having often very much pressed it,) at last I even resolved to urge it no more, imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be, and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart, in this my de­siring of it; then did our brother Orpen and our brother M [...]rly againe renew the motion and spake of it to us, & afterwards went from us to Mr Knight (yet being still by one meanes or other kept off,) there fell much discourage­ment upon many of our hearts about it, not­withstanding at last there was a day appoint­ed to meet, and to consult farther about the setling of it, which meeting was also sadly frus­trated by a mistake of the day, and so no meet­ing, but, after some time, there was another day appointed by joynt-consent to beginn the meeting, yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren, saying it was vvin­ter time, and many other imployments vvould not permitt them to enioy it, yet there vvas a time set, but the very day before Mr Knight told us, that hee could not bee at the meet­ing the next day, vvhich vvas an other sad dis­couragement; hovvever they that were pre­sent, agreed to meet to seek the Lord toge­ther, whereupon the next morning being the [Page 298] day appointed for to meet, I besought the Lord, though with much weakness, and in a poore scattered way, that hee would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us, earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his, that where two or three meet in his name that hee will be in the midst of them, beging that this word might be made good to us this day, that hee would put our hearts in frame to meet with him, and be plea­sed to be present vvith us, and also vvith those vvhom he should please to send amongst us, that there might be no soul of us but might acknovvledge the Lords Presence amongst us and finde some blessed vvord hinted to their condition, and in particular to my poore soul, God setting it home with mighty povver upon my heart, even so as that I might be moulded into it.

And hovv vvonderfully did the Lord (even beyond expectation) appeare this day, in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly (neither of which were expected) and putting into their mouthes a most suteable and sea­sonable word, as also povvering out his spirit richly on them that spake in prayer to him, wherein I saw a great answer to an other peti­tion, this morning, which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in [Page 299] speaking to him and from him, which he was pleased richy and gloriously to doe, in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God, and in the close, did acknowledge it, whereupon the meeting received great incouragement, and was resolved to be kept up: O my soul, how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers, together with seasonable refresh­ments to my poore drooping spirit, from the words that our brother Morly spake out of the 40. psal. But I am Poore and weake yet the Lord thinketh on me; which poverty ariseth from the sence of sinn and corruption, yet the Lord thinketh on me; whereupon hee puts us upon this thought, what if all other slight, and dis­regard a poore soul, if the Lord thinketh upon it? is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world? together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul.

The 8. of this 9. Month O my soul, how un­expectedly vvas the Lord pleased to prevent thee vvith his loveing kindness and grace! thou having been very ill all night with an extream cold, not thinking I should be able to goe in the morning to Fulham, yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord, and cast and roul my self upon him, and how gloriously [Page 300] did hee appeare to my soul, and what a season­able word was hinted out this day to mee by our deare brother. the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning, (being the Lords day) finding my heart excee­ding dead, and dull, and altogether unfit to meet the Lord, as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalencie of corruption, and temptation over me (almost continually) which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord, in sundry & various petitions relating to my present condition, as also great­ly begging his presence, both in the preparing my heart to meet with him, and in fitting some blessed word, wherein he might meet my poor soul, with many requests to this purpose, too large to relate, and both touching my own soul, and also his servant that was to speak that day, and behold how gloriously, O my soul, did the Lord appeare through his servant (our dear pastor) who spake from the 45. Psal: thy Throne, O God, is for ever and ever; the Scepter of thy Kingdome is a right Scepter, where he shewed us, that Christs Scepter, (by which he rules and orders all his affaires in the world, and in his Church,) is a right Scepter, and that all his administrations are managed by a right straight line, for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that, how [Page 301] ever through the darkness of our hearts, and our unpeliefe, wee could not see the straight­ness of all Christs administrations, yet, that they are so hovvever; for God the Father who best knows them, saith so of them, shew­ing us also, that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad conditi­on as they, so tempted, and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts, and the like; and if Christ did indeed raign in them and o­ver them and his Scepter thus right, why is it then thus with them? in answer to which, he shewed us, that Christs Scepter was right still, because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his fathers glory; as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing, so Christ hath some emi­nence of glory, by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnifie his grace and mercy towards such as we are; yea, to do us good through all: now, dear Father, hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescention, to such a poor worthless wretch as I am? This day also did the Lord call us, seeing his Throne and Kingdome is for ever and ever, to look after everlasting things, a secret check to my soul in it, so eagerly per­suing after fading dying things; yea, if Christs kingdome be everlasting, so also are those [Page 302] that are his subjects, from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting, telling us that wives, and children, and estates, and the like, they are not everlasting, they and you must part: Oh therefore do not reckon these everla­sting; but if you have a Christ, or grace, &c. that shall be everlasting; if God hath begun any good work in your souls, that shall be everla­sting; your infirmities, weaknesses, corruptions, they are not everlasting, they shall die and wither, and Satan shall shortly be trod un­der your feet; though Satan and sin hath domi­neered, and made a stir in thy soul, yet it shall not reign for ever there, but grace shall raign by righteousnesse to eternal life; there­fore though your pains be great, troubles sore, temptations many, yet know they are not everlasting, and this may much comfort the Saints; yea, if Christ raigns, this may comfort the Saints, that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ, not from the sons of men, not from the world, nor Satan, nor the Law with­out him; no, nor the restlesse motions of your hearts that often misgive, and terrifie you; your judgement shall passe from Christ, whose Throne is for ever and ever. O my soul, how abundantly hath the Lord bovved dovvn to refresh, as vvell as convince thee this day? the [Page 303] Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit, and help thee to live continually to his praise.

The 29. of this 9. moneth, I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul, and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiri­tual advantage; and truly, though I was dis­appointed of him that I expected to hear, yet, did the Lord by our btother Lemall, hand out a most seasonable word to my soul, which I desire may abide, which was, not to quench the spirit, which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done, even of late, which I desire the Lord would help me against, and make this a blessed word to the end, unto my soul.

The 30. day of this 9. moneth, the Lord drew out my heart that morning, to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul, through his Word, that it might be a blessed season, wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself; and that, to that end, he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him, desiring much in my heart, and endeavouring to expresse it before the Lord, that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below, and sixed only upon himself, and Jesus Christ, and that there [Page 304] might be something added to this work this day And, O my soul; how gloriously did the Lord appear, both for thy conviction and comfort, in sending his messenger, as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul? It was a stranger that preached this day, and the Subject he was upon, was the lovelinesse of Jesus Christ, Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely; whence he fully clear­ed, that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable, and vvhatsoever could be desired; it is abundantly in him; from vvhence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects, and so little on my Lord Iesus Christ: and in the close, speaking by vvay of comfort, he had this passage, That vvhen ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer, or hearing, or any ordinance, vvith a desire to have such a corruption mortified, (though for ends, best knovvn to the Lord, he may for the present suffer it in him, yet) vvould he record it in heaven, as if it had been mor­tified, for (said he) it vvas in the desire of that poor soul, and though I suffer it, yet I look upon it, as if the soul had mortified it really, and so for all other gracious desires, the Lord looketh upon them as his, and as done, [Page 305] though never attained, as he did Abrahams of­fering up his son Isaac, and therefore he lea­veth it upon record to posterity, that he did of­fer him up, though yet he did not do it, be­cause it vvas in his heart and intent to do it, had not the Lord prevented; vvhich toge­ther with many other pretious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day, which I beseech him to blesse me, and make me to improve them to his praise and glory.

The second day of this 10. moneth, I sought the Lord that he would be pleased, if he saw meet to add one other day to me, to vouchsafe his face and presence to me, and give my soul some sight of him, and prepare my heart to meet with him, emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him, after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit, consi­dering that I had only in a formality sought this of him, but could not expect that he should continue alwayes so graciously to a poor soul, as I had begged of him, being such an unworthy, unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances: but, O my soul, how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief, and go beyond all thy expectations, in providing a most blessed, glorious and seasonable word for thy soul, an­swering the desires of thy heart; also on the [Page 306] behalf of his servant, that was to speak in his name this day! shining forth gloriously in and through him, insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day; for which blesse the Lord, O my soul, and oh that all that is within me could blesse his holy name! Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day, which I desire of the Lord I might never forget, which were hinted from Psal. 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly o­pened the love of Christ to righteousnesse, which love (he shewed us) was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints. Now that he doth love as he shewed us, appears in that this love to it was his very nature, and therefore he is called the righteous, and the Lord our righ­teousness; yea, it appears, in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righ­teousnesse; therefore with desire I have desired (saith he) to eat this passeover, that so he might be ready to suffer, and so to satisfie di­vine justice, which is one part of his fulfilling righteousnesse; yea, he shewed, that he loves righteousnesse in that salvation that he hath vvrought for us, meriting by a full satisfaction to justice, that so justice might glory in our sal­vation as vvell as mercy; for hovvever were­ceive all by grace, yet Christ wrought it out by justice and payd a full price for it, which [Page 307] shewed his love to righteousness and justice; so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word, it is a merited promise, that Christ hath bought and paid for; yea given the full worth of it into the hands of God, so that justice can never say, that what we receive by grace is not fully satisfied for, but that we have now a right by justice to every promise in the book of God, as well as by mercy: (oh blessed word!)

Yea, he loves righteousness, because he maketh all righteous, who are accepted of him by his righteousness: And first,

1. By forming their hearts to his likeness.

2. By imputing to them his own righteous­ness; yea, he shewed that he loves righteous­ness, by the terrible execution of his displea­sure on unrighteousness: now all this, as it maketh Christ lovely to the Father, so it must needs make him lovely to his Saints, and that for these reasons.

1. Because they could never look on, or be­hold divine justice without being confounded, if they did not behold it satisfied through the righteousness of Christ, by which they are in­abled to glory as well in the justice, as in the [Page 308] mercy of God, and plead with God, as well as he is a righteous and just God, as he is mer­ciful.

2. Because all that is beautiful in the Saints, either in themselves or others, is from this Christ; therefore, Christ himself must needs be lovely to them, because that which often supports the Saints hearts is not so much their actings in righteousness, as their love to righteousness; David cryes not out, oh how do I keep thy Law! but oh how do I love thy Law! therefore needs must Christ be lovely for his righteousness.

4. Christ must needs be lovely, for his lo­ving of righteousness, because through this he hath made a way for us to eternal life? how doth he bring about this way of life, or keep us in this path of life? but by a way of righte­ousness? Rom. 5. last. It is not so much that grace reigneth as that grace reigneth now by righteousness (or justice) to eternal life.

1. That use that was made of all this was very precious, we being instructed hence to take a due view of Christ, to behold him more; for we are said to be changhed into his likeness while we behold him, so that the reason we are no more like to Christ is, because we live no more in the sight of his righteousness [Page 309] which would but shew us our own unrighte­ousness, and nothing can do it more then this beholding Christs righteousness, and then reflecting back upon our selves.

2, The beholding Christ would make us like Christ; for our assimulation to Christ comes from our being ravished much with looking on Christ; the devil hath no greater designe, then to keep the Saints from beholding of Christ, he will let them pore upon their own lusts or any thing else rather then this.

3. The sight of Christs righteousness is a ground for the strongest consolation to Saints that can be, of which, when the Apostle had got a sight, he cries out, who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods elect, seeing through Christ righteousness justice is satisfied, what can sin, the devil, lusts, corruptions, or law do? they cannot condemn for Christ justifieth.

Oh what refreshments were held out from this blessed truth of Christ his loving righteous­ness! now if Christ doth love righteousness, then he loves to do justice; and to be righteous in all his administrations, both of grace and punishment, yea, he loves fidelity in perform­ance, which is another part of righteousness; oh put this to the end of every promise in Scripture! that Christ loves righteousness, and so loves more to performe it then thou canst [Page 310] desire to have it performed: as Christ loves righteousness, so he loves to fulfil all righte­ousness, and that by doing and suffering, though it were a hard work: then it may re­fresh us further, that all the grace you receive comes from the hand of justice, how may the Saints then go boldly to the father and ask no more then what Christ have already paide for? so that the Saints living on the promise is no beggerly business, for there is not one of them but is throughly payd for by Jesus Christ, and so may be pleaded for, not only upon that account of mercy and grace, but even of justice and righteousness. O that God would cause all these blessed truths to have an abiding pow­er upon my soul!

The 6. of this 10. month over night, I sought the Lord that he would please to pro­vide some seasonable word for my soul, as also begging his gracious appearance, through his servant that was to speak, with much to this purpose; and (O my soul) how graci­ously was the Lord pleased to appear to thee this day! the scripture he spake from by our dear pastor, was the 2 Corin. 1. 12. whence he shewed us, what a ground of joy is the Testi­mony of a good conscience; when it witnes­seth in sincerity: whence he shewed us, that the work of conscience is to witness to every [Page 311] action of a man, both religious and civil, and not only doth it bear witness of every act, but of the measure, and of the manner of heart-workings in the act, and so witnesseth either the righteousness and sincerity of it, or the sinfulness of it, yea, and the spring of all our sinfulness; our rejoycing (saith the Apostle) is not that we preach, pray or the like, but that our conscience witnesseth, that what ever we do though never so weakly & imperfectly, yet its done in Godly simplicity, i. e. with a single intention, aiming purely at the glory of God, that there is no double dealing, not a heart for God, and for our selves too; yea, we were shewen, that conscience was not only a witness, but a judge; therefore where it findeth the act good, but the principle naught, it tells that man (if he hearkens to it) that all is naught, and that God will not be served with leaves, but with fruit; and thus it passeth sentence and judgement; from which how secretly did the Lord check my soule? then he shewed us, that conscience had a strong memory, though we forget yet con­science will remember, not only acts, but circumstances; which (O my soul) mayest thou not clearly testifie the truth hereof by ex­perience? yea, it was hinted to us, that con­science was a just and right witness, all the de­vils [Page 312] in hell and men on earth cannot make it speak other then truth; the devil may, and doth abuse conscience by imitating it, and so suggesting this or that to a soul, as if it came from conscience, when it coms immediatly from hell: even Saints themselves may pass wrong judgement upon their brethren as Jobs friends did; but conscience is a better witness then Saints themselves, and it was so to Job, yea conscienc was held out to be a convincing witness; where it doth witness against sin, it witnesseth convincingly, causing them to groan under it; yea it was held out to be a bold witness, that will not be daunted any way, and must needs be so because God him­self imboldens it to speak plainly, as that thou art an hypocrite, or afraid to hear what con­science saith; Oh how sweetly was this truth improved this day by application! as first, to teach us to admire the goodness of God in placing such a witness in every mans bosom, yea how good it was for the Saints that this was set up in wicked men, for some times there are actions done by wicked men against Gods people, that there is no winess but their own consciences, which testifie against them, of all their hard speeches and thoughts, and words and the like; yea how good was it for the Saints also in this! for had they not this wit­ness [Page 313] in themselves, how bitter would the re­proaches of the World be to them? We were exhorted to take heed how we walk to­wards conscience, it being by God set as a Watch over us; oh then take heed that we withdraw not from it! Nay, it is true it will follow you; but labour to keep it in your sight, and when you are to do any civil or religious Work, call it in, and say, Conscience, What sayest thou to this or that action? Was it ac­cording to the will and mind of God? and give it leave to speak out; yea and give time also; for oftentimes the affairs of the World hinder, that conscience hath not time to speak its mind.

2 To take heed we grieve it not; for its complaints will be heard in Heaven, there­fore take heed of doing any thing against conscience.

3. Awe it as a Judge, and be content to be judged by it in all you do, for it will be your Judge another day, and will be an immortal Witness either in point of comfort or terror; oh therefore awe it.

1. Do you take of heed of slighting con­science or its Testimony; for therein you com­mit great injury to God, it being his Embas­sador, and by him set in you.

2. It is great folly also to stop its mouth: For,

1. All your hindering it, or endeavouring to do so, will but prove an aggravation of its Witness another day against you; then it will tell you, That it would have spoken plainly to you such and such a time, but you would not hear, you were so busie in the World, or the like.

The reason why Saints do no more rejoice, is, because they walk no more in the testimony of their own consciences.

We were also exhorted in the conclusion to be very tender of doing any thing without a solemn Court of Conscience; rashness is the worst evil; Conscience is Gods Witness, let it be yours; give it full liberty therefore to speak and say all it can; ask it again and again what it saith to this and that action, and may be it will give thee that Testimony that through rashness and hastiness it had not time to speak or thou to hear it.

Oh what sensible hints were these to my poor soul, if the Lord would but please to bless them effectually to me, and help me to put them in practice daylie!

The Lord having seen meet to call our Bro­ther Vilet ont of this World, I heard that he [Page 315] was to be buryed at Fulham this Afternoon, and our Pastor to preach, which occasioned me greatly to desire to hear him; which also I did, though it was exceeding late; at which time he spake from 1 Joh. 3. 2. Now are we the sons of [...]od, but it doth not yet appear what we shall be, &c. from which there were most seasonable blessed truths hinted to my soul. That which he pressed was, That what the Saints shall be, it doth not appear. Then he shewed it did not appear, first to the Saints themselves.

1. Because of the little light the Saints have of this glory; nay, if God should reveal more, they could not bear it in this state.

2. In regard of our not improvements of the discoveries made of our future estate.

3. Because their present estate is compassed with sin and affliction, both vvhich do ob­struct the sight of this glory; but more parti­cularly, the Reasons why it doth not appear he shewed were these.

1. From the many diversions of the Spirit of Saints, that turn them aside from behold­ing their glory to come; how do the toyes and baubles of this World divert them from be­holding of this? and so their estate doth not appear to them.

2. It comes from inconstancie of Spirit, because their hearts do not dwell on those things; no man is excellent in that his heart and thoughts dwell not upon: so here

3. From the weakness of our Faith; for we live novv by Faith; but when Christ shall ap­pear, then you shall live by sight; so that whilest you are here, your sight is according to your Faith; if your Faith be right and straight like Stephens, then have you a strong sight of glory.

4. It appears not, from the remainders of corruptions that abide in us; every sin vails the sight of this glory.

5. God himself is pleased sometimes to exer­cise his Saints not only under darkness in the sight of their future estate, but also of their present estate; and so they walk in the dark; and this God doth for high and holy ends, and gives great instructions through it no his Saints to look up to him for life, and wait on him for the manifestation of his love and their future estate, and to make them see that it flows from nothing in them, but from him only; eter­nal life being not only the gift of God, but e­ven the light whereby we see it.

2. This glory appears not to the World al­so, and that

1. Because the World sees only the outside of a godly man, his shell; but they see not the glory of his inside; they see their poverty, and contempt, and reproach, &c. but they see not the glorious working of God on their souls, or operation of his spirit in them.

2 It appears not to the World, because the Saints have their Clouds upon them: The best have their infirmities, and these the World look most upon; wicked men are blind and cannot see; for spiritual things must be spiri­tually discerned; because many times there are differences among the Saints themselves; and this darkens their glory to the World who see them disputing about Religion, and the like; the World judgeth of their future E­state by their present condition; if men flou­rish here, then they judge well of them; if they lie under troubles, they judge them hated of God; and thus God suffers this darkness about their future estate,

To humble his Saints, and make them cry to him for light.

To manifest the sincerity of the Saints.

To set them a longing after Eternity, where they shall have full and cleare sight.

To make glory appear glory; indeed, if the glittering here be glorious, what shall the full be? that it appears no, is out of just judge­ment from God to this wicked World, who do hate and contemn them; therefore God wil not let them see their glory; they shall on­ly know it by feeling the contrary, and the want of it.

There were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate.

We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be; did you keep your eye on this, how would it refresh you under all troubles!

Keep your eye then on Christ his appearan­ces, for there your fulness shall be.

But further to refresh the Saints, they are at present the sons of God, but know not the best of their estate; you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind; it appears not now what you shall be: And let this chear up your hearts.

The 8. day of this tenth month, the Lord drew out my heart in the morning, being the day of our Church-meeting, to beg of him to go forth with us this day, or else not to carry [Page 319] us out; and withal, That he would please to provide a blessed word, a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day; and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul, that it may be a blessed testi­mony that his presence was with me, begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us, with much to this effect.

The nineth of this tenth month, at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances, as also my unfruitfulness under all former ap­pearancs, beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul, and help me to walk more watchfully, and hearken more to the te­stimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done, and not to sin against it, with many such like desires, begging this, That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these graci­ous hints the third of this month, so that now he wovld please, notwithstanding all my un­worthiness and unfruitfulness, yet to make good these gracious words of his, wherein he hath said, Sin shall not have Dominion over his people; and that he would bruise Satan under their [Page 320] feet, that he would never leave nor forsake them; for which gracious blessed word of his I endea­voured to plead with him this Evening, even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him, that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul; as also on the behalf of his ser­vant our dear Pastor, who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad, which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him, that he would also work it out of him; and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him, that he would please to ease, refresh, comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to; and also pour out his spirit upon him, that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires; and that the Lord would please to direct him what, and how to speak, so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls, who sincerely seek his face and presence: And oh my soul! how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day, being his Sabbath, and gave in a gracious answer to these desires, and gave forth far beyond them?

The 10th. of this 10th. Month, being the [Page 321] Lords Day, in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in, and with me this day, that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul, and pre­pare my heart to meet with him, that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it; and that he would please so eminent­ly to appear, that it might be written among the rewards of his love; yea, that it might come into my soul, even as a special pledge of his love; yea, that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant, and appear so eminently through him, as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise: And oh my soul! how richly, and a­bundantly, and fully did the Lord answer all these desires, yea every of them in particular, which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down! and truly, the an­swers of them were much more large and full, in which the Lord bowed down greatly, even to the requests also, to do more abundantly then I could ask or think; and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation, fil­ling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him, even in the Psalm be­fore Sermon; the Psalm sung was Psal. 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out; and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abun­dantlie [Page 322] did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit, and the spirit of our dear Pa­stor, who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word, & also in the Lords Supper that was that day admi­nistred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal. 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity; whence he shewed, That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity: In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man, and what it was in Christ, which (as he said) was not an action or passion, but his very nature and will, which putteth forth all his other Excellencies, as his Power and his Wisdom, &c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will, which he further opened at large, shewing us, That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin, which is truly evil, men hate that which they apprehend evil; but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels, but only against sin, and man onlie as he is under the power of sin; and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power, putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost, ei­ther for the destruction of sin in us, or of us: Thus Christ loved the nature of man, and took it upon him; yet when this love was turn­ed [Page 323] into hatred by reason of the over-power­ing of sin, which fighteth against the life of Christ; and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred, the hatred is the greater. Now that Christ hateth sin, appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection: In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us, he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner, Rather then sin shall live in thee. I will dye: my blood shall rather go for it. So in the Rejection, the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them: But that Christ doth thus hate sin, appears further by these things:

1. By his dealings against it in the Creati­on; Adam no sooner made but he falls; and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin, that before he gives him time for repentance, or any parley, he presently goes to his posterity, and passeth judgement upon him and them; Dying thou shalt dye, temporally, spiritually, and eternally; and there shall be enmity be­tween thy seed and the womans, that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan, and perish e­ternally: How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin? So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably, for that one sin of pride, though such glorious crea­tures, [Page 325] who could do more then thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church, being spiritual, had they stood, who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could; yea, could have fed Eli ahs and Daniels; yet these for that sin perished e­ternally.

2. It appears by the way he taketh to re­pel it; sin having gotten the Throne, and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it, and not able to oppose it; now Christ hates it, so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin, and he will dye to destroy it.

3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are over-powered by sin, who are judged to eternal fite without pitty or recovery

Then he came to shew us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquitie.

And O my soul! with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart? As

1. He shewed us, That Christs loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a belie­ver in this hatred of his; for as Christ hateth the sin, but loveth the believer, so the believer hateth iniquitie, but loveth Christ; so that [Page 324] the love of both persons center in one and their hatred in one, and their love meeteth in each others person, and their hatred also; and that Believers hate sin. so that nothing can breed more love then this doth, Christ saith, I hate Iniquity; oh therefore, hate it more ye be­lievers, yea, pursue the life of it; and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred.

2. Christ is lovelie for hating sin, because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer; the poor soul hateth sin, but is not able to deal with it: but Christ so hateth it, that he is able to con­quer it: Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this! that though the poor soul be over-pow­ered with sin daylie, yet that Christ hateth it, and is engaed aginst it, as hating of him: So that now either Chriist or it must perish: Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruine of the souls Enemies, Sin and Satan, which seek thy ruine daylie: But blessed be God, that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruine them! ei­ther he or sin must cown: Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ, that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan, Christ like fire will consume and [Page 326] burn them? yea, as he shewed, this hatred was an act of Christs will; and if he hath not his Will, where is his God-head? Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ, and the Will of sin: I will damn thee to Hell, saith sin and Satan: But I will kill thee, O sin and Satan, saith Christ: so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons, as for Christs Wil, and Christ will certainly have his wil: oh bles­sed word to my soul!

3. Christ is lovely in this, because the Saints see the glory of all Christs other excellencies through this; the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christs hatred, but see not the just­ness and righteousness of all Christs admini­strations, as the Saints do; they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damn­ing of men to Hell for sin; yea, the Saints can behold Christs love to them in this hatred of sin.

This 10th. of this Moneth, being the same Lords day, in the Evening, while I was endea­vouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God, for his eminent appearan­ces this day, which I desire never to forget, it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord, That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart, that the best thankful­ness [Page 327] for mercy received, is to gather in up­on God for more mercy: I did therefore de­sire, That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day, he would please to adde this mercy, w^ch I desired to plead with him for this Evening, That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Je­sus Christ against sin, that he would now also shew its evil by experience, that it might ap­pear that really he doth hate sin, yea every sin in my soul, by his pursuing the life, and drawing out the blood of it; telling him withal, That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul, then needs must this cor­ruption of mine in a special manner, being so diametrically opposite to him, as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne; yea even at this present wherein he hath so glori­ously appeared, that the consolations of God were not small to my soul, they coming with such mighty power, praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corrupti­on, and let my soul find, that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ, and shall certainly be ruined by him.

Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me, I was in a great question whether [Page 328] I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no; at last I desired to give it up to the Lord, bseeching him to direct me what to do, desiring only to be led by him: At last I resolved (God willing) to wait upon him this day at Fulham, and as for the next day, let the Lord do with me what he will, whether to fit me to go, or disable me, having many fears upon my spirit concerning my go­ing, whether it were a right and pure aiming at God, and seeking his presence, yea or no, being not able to satisfie my self in this que­stion.

Thus (I say) desiring the Lords appearan­ces to my soul, and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage, I went this day to Fulham, where the Lord shewed me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see; and the ears that hear the things you hear; whence the Lord shewed me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them, those many sights he had given me of himself, when he had left so ma­ny in the dark, and never given them one glimpse of himself.

But being exceeding ill and weary this night, I went to bed betimes, waiting what the Lord would do with me; and truly in the Morning I thought I found my self unfit to go forth, considering also our meeting the next day, which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy; yet I must needs say, I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going, did more discourage me then the unfit­ness of my body; but what through the one and the other, I durst not go forth this 21. day, and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget onely went, and I stayed at home; but when I arose, I found my self pretty well, so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home, fearing that this may be on­ly a subtile device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity; and so turning my self to the Lord, I besought him, that if it were he that had this day prevented me, that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way, by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spi­ritual advantage and truly, whiles I was en­deavouring to press this upon the Lord, im­mediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart (or rather the Lord was plea­sed [Page 330] to to drop it) which was this: Oh Lord! how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy glo­ous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmure at thy ho­ly and blessed will, which is part of thy essen­tial glory? if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me, why then is not the sight of thy will, which is thy self, much more glori­ous then the Rayes of thine that shine upon thy creatures? why is not this as pleasing, as delightful, and contentful to me? which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire, the Lord make it of use to me, I am sure it was such a confideration and me­ditation, that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power, may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit: The Lord in mercy for Christs sake make it so.

The 22. of this tenth month, being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting, I earn­estly besought the Lord, That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day, he would al­so go along with me, and vouchsafe his gra­cious presence to me, in speaking some sea­sonable word to my poor soul that might ap­pear even to come from himself; begging al­so his presence in and through all these his [Page 331] instruments, which he should please to make use of this day.

And O my soul, how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in chearing and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit! e­ven so as thou wert not able to continue thy selfe in this wonderful appearance of God, casting them upon so suteable a word, even to the estate of my poor soul at this present? and that Scripture our brother O [...] began with, and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor, was the 73 [...]sa.