A true account of the late most doleful, and lamentable tragedy of old Maddam Gwinn mother to Maddam Elenor Gwinn; vvho was unfortuately drowned, in a fish-pond, at her own mansion-house, near the neat-houses. With an account how that much to be deplored accident, came to pass; and what is expected will be the sequel of the same. With an epitaph, composed against the solemnity of her pompous funeral and many other circumstances.

1679

A True ACCOUNT Of the late most doleful, and lamentable TRAGEDY OF OLD Maddam Gwinn, MOTHER To Maddam ELENOR GWINN; VVHO Was unfortunately drowned, in a Fish-Pond, at her own Mansion-House, NEAR THE NEAT-HOUSES.
WITH An Account how that much to be deplored Accident, came to pass; and what is expected will be the sequel of the same. With an Epitaph, composed against the Solemnity of her Pompous Funeral; and many other Circumstances.

WOnderful strange are the Fates of some, who without the Prediction of Stars, make their Perigrination into a a Subterranean Pallace; thinking positively to enter without the Art of Conjuration, and that the Grimjaw'd Regent will at all times break his Rest for their Reception; but if they do more seriously consider, and weigh the Order of that place, they'l find a thousand dire Obstructions interpose; for since the grand imposture was in Hurricanes there sent, he and his barbarous Crew have dately moddel'd antient Custom [...] and turned topsi turvy all the pleasing Dictate; Fren'en Councils had imposed, that none should come without a lawful was nin [...] [Page 2] that place, least Insurrection be incessant made, and all bernined, by some Close Intreague; but women sure, are not such dangerous things, their Tongues the only Weapons are, and they enough to make grand Pluto start, not being used to peals of Thunder, nor shrill Eccho'd sounds; but since now we are discoursing concerning silent departures, and of noiseless Fates, a strange surprisal whispers in our Ears, and tells us, that a chief Matron's gone, being sent on a Pilgrimage to confess her Exorbitancies at the Shrine of Neptune, for the abuses she has lately done to his Element, and the Subje&s of his watery Territories. For this studious Matron by great pains and industry, and at her vast expence, partly in the discovery of the Philosophers stone, and partly to find out an ingenious method to restore lost Maiden-heads, that so she might to her abundant profit make a double Morgage to such Buffoon beauty-hunters who daily accosted her for the procuration of some Rose-buds tho June be past, as likewise to sinde but a private Tincture for to sprucifie her Daughters decayed Phisiogmony; amongst the many she invented, at last she found out an experienced way to catch those sporting Animals, that frisk in watery plains (otherwise this) but by reason of her great Charge, in acquiring such a peremptory secret, 'tis no reason but the Reader should contribute for his knowledge towards the Magnificent pomp of her intended Funeral) the which is shortly to be solemnized, by the Order of her vertuous Daughter, a Lady of great Fame and greater Repute; she among her private Chimical Operations finding Brandy to be of a powerful and prevailing Influence, that by the only help of that immortal Liquor she had attained to most of her Experiments and that with a sufficient Dose, she could at her Pleasure as she thought most fitting and convenient, either quicken or stupify the Sences, or locomotive faculties of Life and Reason, often pondering in her Voluminous Cogitations Its Conquering Prevalency: at last she resolving for her better Diversion, to impose upon Tritonian Neptunes Subjects, the unthinking Gudgeons, that Sin she her self had been so often Guilty of; and as the Devil tempted Eve in her Primitive Innocence, by the alluring Inticements of a various coloured Pippin, so she to imitate his Craft, getting a new half-penny Loafe, and taking in her hand a quart of her stupifying Elixar Vitae, some of the which she drawing into her [Page 3] Mouth by vertue of a Quill, spurred it into the divided Loaf, and so with the moisture, making it up into little Balls or Pellets, the which, she cast into the Element or Fishpond, the which no sooner being in (such a stupendious proficiency attended her Invention) but Sholes of harmless Gudgeons not knowing their powerful Operations) came nibling about them, which so tickled her Fancy to behold, that she was resolved not to be behind hand with them; but kept time with her Bottel, and so often did the good old Gentlewoman participate of the comfortable Creature, that she exhausted the quintessence of the Vas Vitrum, whereupon her imagination being Elevated, she like Copernicus conceived a sond Opinion that the World was made of a Windmil-Sail, and that it danced the Hay, and tripped about the dazling Luminaries of the Azure Skies, and this Opinion did so far prevail upon her Airy Pericranium, that seeing the Intrels of her Bottle were excruciated, and that the Monsieure was departed, leaving only a bare scent behind him, that it might be known he had been lately there, she was transported so beyond her self for want of new supplies, and thinking now the Fishpond had been turned into the same, and by device of Transubstantiation, it lost its Elementary Constitution, whereupon she never stood to pause, but Glacus like her Feet were turned into Wings, and then she cried I come, nor will I want whilst so much stands in view, and making some Indentures, as the Emblems of a Will, (not needing then a Scrivener for that purpose, straight she flounder'd in; the Fish affrighted, fly and hide themselves within the Ripid Banks, leaving for Manners-sake their Breakfast half behind. But many of them having participated of the Good Matrons bounty were inforced to stay behind, not knowing what a Habias Corpus meant, their Benifactor being in, now found her grand mistak; then long in vain did she implore their Aid, but they like her, were far too feeble or insensible to yield the least Relief; and sure had Trident-bearing Neptune been there himself, so Corpulent a Mass of Flesh, would have outvied his strength to have delivered her safe on Shoare; but oh, the cruel Fate of some senister Star that ruled her Birth, she there expired, and left the Fish to be the Executors of her Will to this sad and dismal Tragedy, the which has caused a universal Grief among [Page 4] the bucksom Bana-Robas, So that is generally believed, that upon so Tragical occasion, the Pallace and the Fish-pond will be forfeited to her most vertuous Daughter, Maddam Ellen Gwin, as Lady of the Soil, and chief of all the Bona-Robas that the Suburbian Schools of Venus late have fitted for the Game. And now in Gratitude to this good Matrons Memory, to be imposed upon her Tomb-Stone at the approaching Solemnization we have composed this Epitaph as followeth,

EPITAPH.

HEre lies the Victim of a cruel Fate,
Whom too much Element did Ruinate;
'Tis something strange, but yet most wondrous true,
That what we live by, should our Lives undo.
She that so oft had powerful Waters try'd,
At last with silence, in a Fish-pond dy'd.
Fate was unjust, for had he prv'd but kind;
To make it Brandy, he had pleas'd her Mind.

FINIS.

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