THat Examples prevail a­bove Precepts can be no Surprise to any one that considers the rarity of them, or that most of the Senses being at once imployed they should make so strong an Impression upon the Brain, and so upon the Under­standing, according to the manner of Human Perception.

The present Instance, whose Re­lation I have undertaken, having made so deep an Impression upon my own Mind, I could not think, but that if all Men participate of the same Nature as I do, but that they must be equally affected with it, [Page 2]some Allowance being made for this, That what I my self saw and heard actually, I communicate by way of Relation to others.

I am obliged, out of Tenderness and Reputation, to conceal the Name of the Family of this Gentleman, who is the Subject of the following Discourse, and could heartily wish that my concealing it would make so many as do know it, to forget every thing but the Example itself, that being only useful, the rest Ignomi­nious: But I am afraid my Wishes will prove successless, there being four more Divines, besides my self, who were very frequently there, besides several Gentlemen and others, whose Acquaintance, Curiosity or Design of doing Good might lead them thither.

This unhappy Gentleman, who made so direful an Exit the eighth of this instant December, had in his youth Time the Advantage of a Re­ligious and Virtuous Education; in which it was observable, That he [Page 3]made a more considerable Progress than was usual for such Years, being very warm and active in all Religi­ous Exercises: Besides, he was a great proficient in Learning, being sent up to the University from the School where he was edu­cated, very perfect in his Latin and Greek Tongues at sixteen Years of Age, where he continued five Years: His Behaviour and Deportment be­ing such that all his Friends and Acquaintance lookt upon him as an uncommon Blessing, an Ornament to his Family. At the Age of twenty one he came up to Town, and en­tred himself into the Inns of Court, designing to study the Law; his Friends and he concluding it necessa­ry, That those that have Estates should have at least so much insight in the Law as to know how to preserve them.

Oh that I could proceed with my Character, or at least abruptly break off, and say, Here he dyed, ignorant of the Town and its Vices. But alas, the Scene is chang'd, and here [Page 4]we bring another Person upon the Stage, laugh'd and ridicul'd out of his Innocence and Vertue, by new Acquain­tance, and for a long Time together playing the Hypocrite, assuming unto himself a degree of that Pro­faneness and Impiety he was inno­cent of, appearing more vile and base than he could suddenly bring himself to be, only to secure his Reputation with his Companions, and avoid the uneasiness of being a Common Jest. But this was not the only nor chief Method whereby he was brought to his Apostacy, for he had too much Judgment, and too well grounded to be shock'd and re­vers'd with a bare Laughter, or a ridiculous Grin. He would often say, ‘Gentlemen, those that pretend to Reason cannot be so bewitched with the Charms of Mirth as to think Laughing a good Argument to confute whatever may be said; if Religion be so unreasonable a thing as you'd perswade me, by laughing at it, why don't ye give [Page 5]me some fair Reasons against it?’ Hereupon some of the oldest stand­ing would suggest, ‘That Mahomet has more Votaries than Christ: That that Religion is not without its Martyrs and Confessors; That the wild Indians dare bravely dye for their Religion: That there's no Nation, be it never so Barba­rous, that gives us not some fine Examples of Doing and Suffering; that therefore its not the Excel­lency of any one Religion, but the Prejudices of all that produces these Effects: That 'tis the Habit and Custom of Education that creates the formidable Notions of Conscience, Heaven, Hell, Futurity and the Immortality of the Soul, all which are but the politick Inven­tions of Priests and cunning Ma­gistrates, to enrich themselves and keep the Vulgar in Awe, who are naturally Superstitious and Fear­ful:’ With a deal more to the same purpose. Such Harangues as these did by little and little poyson [Page 6]the Principles of this poor Gentle­man, and mould him into the same Leaven with themselves, not only into the same Judgment, but liberty of all Profaneness, Debauchery and Inju­stice, as far as he could act without the Cognizance of the Law. It won't be amiss to add, That this Gentleman was one of that CLUB which within these last seven Years met together constantly, To lay down such Rules and Methods as that they might be critically wicked in every thing that they could, without the Laws taking hold of them; and therefore the Law itself was more particularly ex­amined, What Fallacies might be put upon it; Where and in what Cases it did not provide against unheard of Villanies; What Subterfuges and Eva­sions there might be in its Exposition; with many more like horrid Instances, which were all noted down as very use­ful Discoverios for the new Candidates of improved Impiety.

But to proceed, This Gentleman's Sense and Education had furnish'd him with too much Prudence to lay open himself to every Body; he commonly kept a very fair Corre­spondence with his Friends, and in all strange Places was very sober and reserv'd, Prudence obliging him not to discover all he believed, to every Body. Thus he liv'd several Years, being as secretly wicked as all Temptations, and the Advantages of a good Estate, would suffer him: But as the Wicked do not live out half their Days by reason of their Intem­perance and Debaucheries, so this Gentleman hastned his dismal Peri­od by the like Courses, falling de­sperately ill on the thirtieth of November last, continuing so till the eighth of this instant December, as we said above.

As soon as he found himself pre­cipitated by his ill Courses into such a dangerous Sickness, he began to be extreamly startled and amazed at the Apprehensions of Death (for he [Page 8]believed he should dye) and in spite of all he could do, he could not for­bear reflecting upon another Life; and notwithstanding all his Fortifi­cations to the contrary, he could not confute nor rid himself of the Expectation of a Future Retributi­on. Being thus distracted with his Distemper and Fears, he threw him­self upon the Bed, and discoursed with himself after this manner. Oh! what's the meaning of this Tumul­tuous VVar in my Breast? what Argu­ment is there now to assist me against Matter of Fact? Do I assert that there's no Hell at all, and yet I feel one in my Bosom? Am I certain that there's no Heaven, when I am so sure that there's a Hell? That there is no after-retributions when I feel a present Judgment? Do I affirm my Soul to be as mortal as my Body, when this languishes, and that is as vigorous as ever? O that any one could restore to me my ancient Guard of Piety and Innocency! but its too late. Wretch that I am, whither shall [Page 9]I flie from this Breast, [...]or what will become of me?

He had no sooner ended, but in comes one of his old Companions, to pay him a Visit, for he had heard that he was not well: ‘How now Brother (says he) why this Me­lancholy Look and Posture, you seem to be more concerned in your Mind than Body? pray tell me what's the matter?’ The Matter? replyed the other, fixing a pair of ghastly Eyes upon him, ‘'Tis you, and the rest of my Companions, that have instill'd those Principles into me, which now having most need of them, leave me in the Agonies of Despair and Confusion. What Advice or Comfort have you now to fortifie me against my fearful Expectations of ano­ther Life? Are you certain that my Soul is Material and Mortal? And that it will dissolve with the Body?’ I'm so certain, replyed the other, ‘that I venture my Whole upon it.’ Here I inter­rupted [Page 10]them by coming into the Room, and applying my self to the Sick Person, I told him, ‘That I was a Stranger to him, yet hearing of his Distemper, I thought it my Duty to pay him a Visit, and give him what Chri­stian Comfort and Advice I was capable of. I Thank you, replyed the Sick Person, and would desire you then to engage that Gentle­man that sits there (meaning his Friend) and prove unto him that the Soul is not Matter, nor Mor­tal. That the Soul is not Mat­ter (said I) Descartes has prov'd in his Method, by shewing that the Soul is independent of Matter. That Matter itself cannot think, neither in the Whole nor its Parts, is evident enough from Mr. Lock of HUMAN UNDER­STANDING. But after all we perhaps can best prove it thus; Matter is by every Philosopher granted to be in its own Nature indifferent to Motion or Rest: [Page 11]That if it be in Rest it will lye eternally so, unless something else moves it; and that if any thing puts it in Motion it will eternally move, were it not for the Opposition of other Matter which clogs and retards its Mo­tion. Now those that would have the Soul to be a pure fine Matter, say that it first moves the Animal Spirits, they the Nerves, and these a Leg, an Arm, &c. mechanichally, as Matter moves Matter. Now those that make the Soul the first Agent and Mover, make Matter to move itself, which is impossible accord­ing to the above-cited Thesis, which will have Matter to rest eternally, unless it be moved by something. But the Soul does move the Body independent of Matter, and Matter cannot move unless it be first moved: Therefore the Soul is not Matter, and consequently not perishable by attrition, trans­mutation, &c. But Gentlemen, [Page 12]added I, I hope there's no need of a Lecture of this Nature to either of you; for you look like Creatures that have a share in Human Nature, which has the Doctrin of the Immortality of the Soul innate with it.’ The sick Person made no other Answer than a dismal Groan, as if his Heart had broke, and his Friend also made haste out of the Room, without bidding us God b'w'e. I was surprized at such an Effect, and desired the sick Party to know the Reason of his Discontent, offering my Assistance to remove it, if possible, by Coun­sel, Prayers, Advice, or any way that lay in my Power.

‘Alas, Sir, replyed he, you've undeceiv'd me, now its too late; I was afraid of nothing so much as the Immortality of my Soul; now you have assured me of that you have ascertain'd me of, that you have ascertained me of a Hell, of a fearful Expectation of Judgment, of a Portion among [Page 13]those that have apostatiz'd from their Religion, of the Lot of Atheists, and Denyers of Christ: You have now sealed my Damna­tion, by giving me an Earnest of it, I mean a wakened Conscience, that brings my Sins into my Re­membrance, reckoning up the numerous Catalogue for which I must go and give an an Account. Oh Apostate Wretch, from how great Hopes am I fallen! Oh that I had never known what Religion had been, then had I never de­ny'd my Saviour, nor been so black an Heir of Perdition.’ I was so surprized at such kind of Expressi­ons that I stood speechless for a considerable Time, for having re­ceived the Character of a Person that had imbibed some atheistical Principles; I little expected such a desperate Change, but rather that I should have an hard Task of it to consider seriously of a future Life: But so soon as I could re­collect my self, I said, Sir, I would [Page 14]desire you to take heed how you violate the Mercy of God, and think so slightly of the Suffer­ings of Christ, as if they were not sufficient for the Redemption of the greatest Sinner. This may be a De­lusion of the Devil, who would now hinder you from Repentance and Faith in Christ. I hope, if I have convinc'd you of the Immorta­lity of the Soul, 'tis to a good End; for the way to cure a Distem­per is first to know it; if you had dyed ignorant of it you had been miserably undeceived in another World, whereas knowing it now, you have an Opportunity and some time left to prepare for your wel­fare.

‘As to the Mercy of God, in Christ, I once knew and tasted what they are, which is now part of my Curse, in that I am more sensible of the loss of them. They are, I will grant you, suf­ficient to those that have any share in them; but what's that [Page 15]to me, who have denyed Christ? Who have daily crucified him afresh, and put him to open shame? The Devil has nothing to do with the Torture I undergo; 'tis no Delusion of his, but the just Judgment of God upon me; and your Convictions are also part of my heavy Judgment, in that you have given me a sensible Horror of my Sin, by proving my Soul immortal, whereas had I gone, streight to Hell in my old dam­nable Opinions, I had endured but one Hell, whereas I now feel two: I mean not only an inex­pressible Torture which I carry in my Breast, but an Expecta­tion of I know not what a Change. Oh that I were in Hell, that I might feel the worst! And yet I dread to dye, be­cause that worst will never have an end.’

All that he spoke, was with an Air of such horror and eagerness as in scarce be imagined; indeed it [Page 16]had such Effects upon me, that I knew not what to answer: I trembled at the Judgment of, and I remember I wisht within my self that one or two of the loosest Atheists in the Age had been there, verily believing it would have put a stop to their Impiety. The Gentleman was got to Bed, re­fusing all Sustenance, and sweating through Violence of his Torments, in the most prodigious manner that ever I saw or heard of. As soon as he was got to Bed, I desired to pray by him before I took my Leave, which with much Reluctance he con­sented to. In the midst of Prayer he groaned extreamly, tossing and turn­ing himself as if he had been under the deepest Agonies of Death: When Prayer was over, I ask'd him how he did, and why he groaned after such a rate in Prayer time? To which he answered, ‘As the Damned in Hell, which lift up their Eyes in Torments, and behold afar off the Saints in Abraham's Bosome, have their Torments thereby [Page 17]doubly enhansed, first by reflect­ing on their own Misery, and then taking a prospect of the Beatifick Vision they have lost; even so, I, who know my self to be hardned, and sealed unto Damnation, hearing the Prayers of the Righteous, to which God Almighty's Ears are always open, granting their Re­quests, this encreasing my Tor­ments to think, how I am exclu­ed from such a priviledg, and have no other Portion left me but Blas­pheming, Weeping, and Wailing, and Gnashing of Teeth, for ever.’ Pray Sir, said I, Consider, that there's a vast deal of difference betwixt you and those that are in Hell; they are so irrevocably for ever-more, with­out any opportunity of Reprieve, or hopes of Pardon; but you are yet alive, and have Promises belonging to you in common, with other Sin­ners, Christ died for Sinners, and God hath Sworn by himself, that he delights not in the Death of a Sinner, but rather that he should turn from his [Page 18]Wickedness and Live; and that at what time soever a Sinner returneth from the evil of his ways, he shall receive pardon. To which he re­ply'd with his usual earnestness. ‘I'll grant you as much difference betwixt me and those that are in Hell, as betwixt a common Devil, and a Devil Incarnate. If these are irrevocably lost without op­portunity of reprieve, or hopes pardon, and I am yet alive, what then? what's the Consequence? not that the Promises belong to me in common with other Sinners, nor to any Sinners but such as Re­pent, Believe: If Christ dy'd for Sinners, 'tis for such as Repent and Believe; but tho' I would, I can do neither, I have outstood my Day of Grace, and am hardned, and turned Reprobate; If God delights not in the death of Sinners, 'tis of such Sinners as repent and return unto him; but his Justice will vindicate it self upon such ob­stinate perverse Sinners as I, who [Page 19]have deny'd his Power and Provi­dence both in my Words and Acti­ons, and now he has met with me for it; and oh 'tis a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. If God was not against me, I should not value it, tho' all the Legions of Hell engaged me, tho' all the Power and Malice of Men joined in one Complicated Body to study and excuse the utmost Bar­barities that Flesh and Blood could inflict upon me; but when an An­gry Irreconcilable God looks up­on his Creature in Wrath, and consigns him over to his Eternal Vengeance and Fury, this is into­lerable, inexpressible, afflicting, and grievous: Ah who can dwell in everlasting Burnings? Oh ye that have any hope, and have not yet past your Day of Grace, Cry mightily to God, Day and Night; think no labour too much which secures you from the Wrath of God: Oh who can stand before him when he is Angry, what Stub­ble [Page 20]can resist such a Consuming Fire?’ This, and more to the same purpose, he spake with so deep a Concern, the Tears trickling all the while down his Cheeks, that no Body in the Room could refrain Weeping, which he perceiving said, ‘And can ye Weep at the image and bare relation of the effects of Gods Wrath, what then do you think I suffer, who actually lie under the very weight of his Fury? Refrain your Tears for me, 'tis in vain; Pity is no Debt to me, nothing is so proper for me as some Course to compleat my Misery, and free me from the Torments of my Ex­pectation.’ Here he paus'd a lit­tle, when looking towards the Fire, he said, ‘Oh that I was to lie and broil upon that Fire for a Hundred Thousand Years to purchase the Favour of God, and be Reconci­led to him again. But 'tis a fruit­less vain Wish, Millions of Milli­ons of Years will bring me no nearer the ends of my Tortures, [Page 21]than one Poor Hour. O Eternity, Eternity, who can discover the Abyss of Eternity; who can pro­perly Paraphrase upon the Words for Ever and Ever!’

I could not for bear reflecting on that passage of broiling upon the Fire a Hundred Thousand Years to purchase the Favour of God, and be again Re­conciled to him; how unproportiona­ble was this Poor Man's Concern to that of the Common Practice of the World, a great part of which will allow no time in Days, Weeks, Years, to seek the Face and Favour of God, and amongst those that pre­tend to Religion? How cooly and in­differently do they spend that time they set apart for Private or Pub­lick Devotion? Were they sensible but for one Minute of what this Wretched Person endured, what a Spur would it be to their Devotion, and how careful would they be to make their Calling and Election sure, how fearful, lest having a Promise made them of entring into Rest, any of [Page 22]them should fall short through unbe­lief, and so be frustrated of their share and hopes of that Glory which is to be revealed?

It began to grow late, so I took my leave of him for that Night, promising to renew my Visit, (if it pleased God,) the next Day, when I found him still in the same Condition, as to his Mind; but his Body was much weakned by his con­tinual Sweats, caused by the Agonies he lay under. I found Three or Four Divines with him who had been at Prayer, which they told me, had the same uneasie effect upon him, as when I Prayed with him the Night before. One of the Divines desired him to consider the Example of St. Peter, who had denied his Master with Oaths and Curses, and yet was re­ceived again into his Favour. To which he reply'd, (officiously a­gainst himself, as he had done all the Day before,) ‘'Tis true, St. Peter did deny his Master, as I have done, but what then? his Master [Page 23]had Prayed for him, that his Faith should not fail, and being willing that he should Repent, he look'd him into a Repentance, and assist­ed him by his Holy Spirit to per­fect it; now if Christ would as­sist me to Repent, I should do so too, but he hath justly withdrawn his Intercessions for me: I have so often Crucified him a fresh, and put him to open shame, so often grieved that Holy Spirit, that God has taken it away from me, and in the room thereof has left me the Spirit of Impenitence and Repro­bation, and given me a certain Earnest of a fearful Inheritance in another Life.’

He spake little more that Day, for a deal of Company pressing in, it became troublesome to him, and to­wards Night Orders were taken for the avoiding such an Inconvenience. There were Four more Divines in the Room besides, at Six a Clock; we all look'd upon one another, not knowing what course to take, no [Page 24]Text being offered in his favour, but what he readily turned another way; whilst we were thus Musing, he Cry­ed out in a vehement affecting Passi­on, ‘How long, oh Lord! shall thy Wrath burn for ever against me, shall thy Eternal Justice for ever exact upon a poor despicable Worm? What is my Value or Worth that thou shouldst pour out full Vials of Wrath upon me? Oh that thou wouldst let go thy Hand, for ever forget me, and let me fall into my first nothingness again; as my Righteousness could have profited thee nothing, so my Impieties have done thee no hurt, therefore Annihilate me, and let me Perish to nothing; be not Angry with me that I thus Expo­stulate with thee; 'twill be but a little time but thy Wrath will force the Dreadfullest Blasphemies from me, except thou prevent them: Oh that thou wouldst take away by Being, and my Misery; neither of them can add to, or di­minish [Page 25]from thy Happiness, there­fore let them both cease, and let my Name be known no more; or if I must still be, and be Immor­tal, and thou wilt Punish me, be­cause I have Despised thee, let it suffice to be a Privation of thy Self, and let me pass my Eternity in a Dream, without ever being awakned by the pangs of Tor­ment, without ever being di­sturbed by the Gnawing of the Worm that Dies not. But Oh what fruitless Desires are these, for I am Expostulating with a God that has closed his Ears, and will not hear, with a God that has for ever shut out my Prayers, and only protracts my Breath a little longer to be an Example unto others! Oh ye Rocks and Mountains, that ye would hide me from the pre­sence of an Incensed God! But there's no flying from his presence, what he has begun he will finish, he will extend his Wrath against me for ever and ever.’ Here some [Page 26]Body knocked at the Door, and it proved it to be a Penny Post-Man with a Letter to this Gentleman; which being told him, ‘How, (says he) a Letter for me? A lit­tle longer, and I expect another sort of a Messenger, I am (added he) very quickly to give up my Accounts of every secret Action that I have done, and I have a mind to make an Experiment of something of the same Nature, to see how I can bear it; and looking about the Room he espy'd me; pray Sir, said he, do me the fa­vour as to open and read this Let­ter, the Contents I know not, but I suspect it to come from some of my old Acquaintance.’ I desi­red to be excused, alledging, that possibly there might be something in it that might be improper to di­vulge. ‘Nothing, nothing, re­ply'd he, can affect me now; I have no Honour, no Reputation, and what's yet worse, no Heaven to lose, by this or any other Act, [Page 27]therefore pray Sir oblige me, or I must trouble some Body else.’ Up­on this I broke open the Letter, de­signing first to take a Cursory View of it, and then to proceed, or de­sist, according as I found the Con­tents, which upon perusal, I thought not impertinent to the present Case, and therefore Read as follows,

I had no sooner read this Letter through, but he surpriz'd us all with repeated dismal Groans, as if his Soul had been strugling under the last Throws of Separation: We thought it not convenient to press for the Reason of it, considering that Hu­man Nature feels, or at least sup­poses an Ease by complaining of the Evil it suffers, and it happened ac­cording to our Expectations, for at length he broke out into these Afflict­ing imprecations. ‘Cursed be the Day wherein I commenced such a fatal Friendship: Oh unhappy Time when first I imbib'd these Atheistical Principles! When first I exchanged the Christian Faith for the Creed of Spinoza and the Levi­athan! When first I relinquisht all reveal'd Religion for the natural one, and the last for none at all.’ When casting his Eyes upon me, he said, ‘I am not able to write an Answer to that Letter, though I earnestly desire there should be one, nor is it worth my while to get an [Page 31] Amanuensis for that purpose, for I suppose I shall have no occasion to write any more. I'm also sensible that you might be better able to answer such a Letter than I, and yet my present Circumstances are such (I being not only a Party, but the dismal subject Matter my self) that what comes from me may make a deeper impression upon the Spirit of my Friend, than what comes from a strange Hand; therefore you will oblige me, if you will only lend me your Hand, and let me dictate;’ which I freely offering he ordered a Chair to be set on the other Side of the Bed, thinking it convenient to be as secret and free from Noise and Diversion as possibly he could: And then he proceeded.

Here he groan'd, and desired a little intermission, being not only weary with repeating so much, but at present dejected and confused with the unhappy Truths he was about to tell his Friend, and so he rested him­self for about half an Hour; when [Page 35]calling to me again, he desired we might proceed: Which we did as follows.

As soon as he subscribed his Name and the Letter was sealed, he desi­red a Porter might be called and sent, for fear of a Miscarriage; which was done accordingly. And the Night being far worn, we all took our Leaves and left him, wishing him good Rest and happier Condition the next Day: To which he replyed, ‘Gentlemen, I thank you, but my Happiness is at an end, and as for my Rest to Night, all the Ease I expect will be in wishing for the Day, as in the Day-time I wish for the Night; thus spending the little remainder of my miserable Mo­ments in a fearful expectation of my Dissolution, and the dismal Account I am to make upon it. But Gentlemen a good Night to you, and remember my Example, to con­firm you in that Religion I have disowned, that ye may stand more cautiously by my Fall, and secure the Happiness I have forfeited.’

The next day came several of his Friends out of the Country, having [Page 40]had an account of his Sickness and Distractions. When they came into the Room, one of them applyed himself to him, telling him, That he and several more of his Relations were come on purpose to Town to see him, and were extream sorry to find him in such a weak Condition as he appeared (for now he was al­most nothing but Skin and Bones, the Agonies that he lay under doing the Office of the quickest Consumption.) To which he answered, ‘I am ob­liged, out of common Civility, to thank you all; but who are my Re­lations? Our Saviour said, That such only as did the Will of his Heavenly Father were his Relati­ons: I may also properly say, That none but the Atheist, the Re­probate, and all such as do the Work of the Devil are my Rela­tions; this little Tye of Flesh and Blood will be dissolv'd in a Moment, but the Relation I have to the dam­ned is permanent and lasting, the same Lot, the same Place of Tor­ments, [Page 41]the same Exercises of Blas­phemy, and the same Eternity of Horror will be common to us all, so that similitude of Torments, Place and Duration will joyn us in a very strict Union.’ His Friends, who had only had some Report of a kind of Distraction, were surprized to hear him deliver himself in such Terms, and began to enquire of some of us what was the matter that he talked at such a Rate; who replyed, We could wish it were Frenzy or Distraction, but we were afraid of a much sadder Cause, viz. the Sense of Hell, and God's Wrath upon him, which was so violent as to drive him into Despair, and the utmost Ago­nies and Horror of Mind, begging, if it might please God the case might be altered before his Death, which they were sure could not be far off, if he proceeded as he had begun. He hearing them whisper, and ima­gining the Cause of it, called them all unto him, and said; ‘You may imagin me distracted or Melancholy, [Page 42]I wish I were either, but its part of my Judgment that I am not; no, my Apprehension of Persons and Things is rather more vigorous and quick than it was when I was in perfect Health: And it is my Curse, because I am thereby more sensible of my unhappiness and the Condi­tion I am fallen into. Would you be informed why I am become a Skeleton in three or four Days? Why, my Grief does continually extort some unhappy Expressions from me: Know then that I have sinned against the Holy Ghost, and done despite to the Spirit of Grace; that I have despised my Maker, and denyed my Redeemer; that in short I have apostatized from the Christian Religion, and joyned my self to the Atheist and Profane, and continued this Course under many Convictions, till my Iniqui­ty was ripe for Vengeance; and the just Judgment of God overtook me, when my Security was the greatest and the Checks of my Conscience [Page 43]the least. Since I denyed that Sal­vation that comes by Christ Jesus, there is no other Mediator or Inter­cessor for Sinners; if there by, who is he that can redeem my Soul from Hell, or give a Ransome for my Life? No, no, the Scripture is certainly true, and that says, That if we sin wilfully, after we have received the Knowledg of the Truth, there remaineth no more Sacrifice for Sin, but a fearful looking for Judg­ment, and fiery Indignation, which shall consume the Adversary. There remaineth no more Sacrifice for Sin, that's the Wound that pierces my Soul: Christ Jesus was the only expiatory Sacrifice for Sinners that God would accept of; and I not accepting (I would say,) and I despising this, there now re­mains no other for me to accept of, no other to make an At­tonement and Satisfaction for me, There's no other Name un­der Heaven given whereby we may be saved, but the Name of Jesus; [Page 44]and 'tis this Jesus that I have Re­proached, Ridiculed, and Abused, in his Members here; nor is this all, I have not been content to do this my self, but by my Example have induced others to do the same. Methinks your Breasts are all open to me, and in the midst of your Pity and Surprizals, you would bid me Hope, Believe, and Return and Supplicate that Mercy I have Abused; that Jesus came to Save Sinners, and to bring them to Repentance, with other things of this nature. I know that these are you thoughts, and by menti­oning them I have saved you the Labour: Alass how fain would I Hope and Believe! can a Man in Torments not desire to be freed from them? No, assure your selves, I would upon any Terms, but the Displeasure and Wrath of God, obstruct the power of Hoping and Believing; and though I would, I can do neither, nor do I know what some Divines mean, [Page 45]that say, He that desires to Hope, Repent, and Believe, in some measure does it: I experience the contrary; a fruitless Wishing that comes not to Act, is no more but a Conviction, which shall bring such Persons under greater Dam­nation. Would you have me to Return and Supplicate that Mercy I have Abused? Alass! how sad is my Case, that have no other hopes but what depend upon Abused Mercy? but why said I hopes? When I have no hopes at all, my hopes are frustrate, and my ex­pectations are cut off, and what remains behind? why, I am bid to Hope and believe; Oh what Sa­tyr, what Mockery and Abuse is this upon me, to find me in Mise­ry, and bid me be Happy, with­out affording me some power of being so! Indeed should Jesus Christ say so much to me, it would be some Comfort; but for you to do it, is the same thing, as to bid a Malefactor shake off his [Page 46]Chains and Fetters, and assume his Liberty; or to call upon the Dead to arise out of their Graves, and Challenge their Estates and Honours again. How idle is it, to bid the Fire not to burn, when Fuel is administred; to command the Seas to be Smooth and Calm in the midst of Storms, such is my Case, and such are the Comforts of my Friends: But I'm spent, and can Complain no more; would to God the Cause of my Complaints would also cease; the Cause of my Complaints! This renews my Grief, and summons up the little strength I have left to Complain again, like an extinguishing Flame that recollects at once all its Ali­mentary Matter for one great Blaze before it expires. 'Tis just so with me: But whether am I go­ing?’ As he said this, he fainted away, and lay in a sort of Swound for a considerable time, but by the help of some Spirits, we brought him to himself again, and as soon as he [Page 47]opened his Eyes, he said, ‘Oh cruel and unkind Friends, to awake me from a Dream in which I had a Cessation from my Tortures, but now they return again, and Prey upon my Soul like so many Furies.’ This he spoke with so feeling and lively Concern, that not one of his Relations could refrain from Tears, none of them being able to speak to him for a considerable time before; ‘You weep, says he, but your ve­ry Tears come too late; was I like another Person that goes out of the World, it would be one of my greatest Troubles to see you Weep, or at least, it would add much to my pains; for he must be unnatural and senseless that could not be moved and troubled at the affliction of others, especially his Friends and Relations; but the Case is otherwise with me, my Cup is full, and already runs over, the bitterness of my Soul is as great as possible it can be in this World, and my Heart is full of [Page 48]Horror and Anguish, and no Grief can add unto mine, being already so great, that 'tis uncapa­ble of receiving any more. Per­haps, this may seem a Paradox to you at first, but what think you of Time and Eternity? Can one add an Hour to Eternity, which com­prehends and swallows all Time? Can one add any thing to the Wrath of God, which includes the Fury of Devils and Men, this being de­rivative and dependent on that, and can any one add to my Grief and Tortures, who am fallen into the hands of the living God? No, no, reserve your Tears for your Sins, and cast them not away so fruitlesly upon one that is neither the better nor worse for them.’

You may easily imagine what im­pressions such Sayings as these made upon the Spirits of his Friends, who were almost over whelmed with Grief and Amazement, with Grief, at the lamentable State of their Kinsman, and with Amazement at the dreadful [Page 49]Judgment of God upon him. But in in the midst of their Sorrows they had the Prudence to think of the Re­putation of their Family, and to pro­vide for as much Secrecy as they pos­sibly could in such a Case; for the Rumor of a Man in Despair begin­ning to spread, they conveyed him by Night to other Lodgings; but he was grown so very weak, that not­withstanding the Care of those who conveyed him in the Chair, it had like to have proved fatal to him; for he fainted away several Times, but they got him into his Chamber and to Bed as soon as they could: After a little Rest he yet found so much strength as to express himself thus: ‘I am not concerned to enquire whi­ther you have brought me, or your Reasons for so doing; it had been something if you had brought my Person hither without my Horrors and accusing Conscience, or if you had changed my unhappy State with my Lodgings; but my Torments are rather the greater than before, [Page 50]for I see that dismal Hour is ap­proaching and just at hand, when I shall bid you all a sad Farewel.’ The Doctors that had been with him in the beginning of his Sickness were again sent for, and they yet declared they could do nothing, so long as the Disturbance of his Mind was the Cause of his Weakness, only they ordered him some Cordial Julips, which they said might perhaps stren­gthen his Nature, so that he might live two or three Days longer. My Business called me away for a Day or two, and I came again upon Thurs­day Morning pretty early, the Day of his Death. When I came into the Room I enquired of his Friends how he had spent his Time? who had been with him, what Discourse or Expressions had dropt from him? And they told me in general, he had little Company, and that his Expres­sions were much shorter than before, being now unable to speak many wordstogether; yet that what he did speak, seemed to have more Horror [Page 51]and Despair in it than formerly. Af­terwards I went to his Bed-side, and saw perfect death in his Face, mixt with such Amazement and Anguish, that it was the saddest Spectacle I ever saw in all my Life-time. I askt him how he did? To which he reply'd, ‘Damn'd and lost for ever.’ I desired him not to entertain such a Thought; the Decrees of God were secret, and God might punish him thus, in this life, to make him fit for a better. ‘They are not (said he) secret to me, but discovered for my greater Torment; and my Punishment here is for an Example to others, and for an Earnest to me of my own Damnation. Oh that there was no God, or that this God could cease to be; for I am sure he will never have Mercy upon me.’ Alas, said I, there's no contending with one Creator, therefore forbear such words as may provoke him more. ‘True (reply'd he) there's no contend­ing; I with there were a possibility of getting above God, that would [Page 52]be a Heaven to me.’ I entreated him not to entertain such a Blasphe­my, for—Here he interrupted me, saying, ‘Read we not in the Revela­tions, of those that blasphem'd God because of their pains? I am now of that number. Oh how do I envy the happiness of Cain and Judas!’ But (reply'd I) you are yet alive, and do not feel the Torments of those that are actually in Hell. To which he answer'd, ‘This is either true or false; if it be true, what are my expectations, and how heavy will my Torments be, if I yet not feel the uttermost? But I know that 'tis false, and that I now endure more than the Spirits of the damn'd in Hell; for I have the very same Tor­tures upon my Spirit, as they have, besides the Torments I endure in my Body. I believe that at the day of Judgment, the Torments of my Mind and Body will be both of 'em more intense; but as I am now, no Spirit in Hell endures what I do: How gladly would I change my con­dition [Page 53]for Hell! And how earnestly would I intreat of my angry Judge to send me thither, if I was not a­fraid that he would out of venge­ance deny me?’ Here he clos'd his Eyes a little, and began to talk idly and besides himself, every now and then groaning and gnashing his Teeth; but when he open'd his Eyes and lookt about, he grew sensible again, and felt for his own Pulse, saying, ‘How lazily my Minutes pass on! When will be the last Breath, the last Pulse, that shall beat my Spirit out of this de­cay'd Mansion into those desir'd Re­gions of Death and Hell? Oh! I find 'tis just at hand; and what shall I now say? I'm now afraid again to die. Ah the forlorn Hope, the de­stitute State of an Atheist that has no God to go to, nothing to fly to for Peace or Comfort!’ Here his Speech fail'd him again; and we all believ­ing him to be just a leaving the World went to Prayer, which threw him into an Agony, in which, tho' he could not speak perfectly, he made [Page 54]what noise he could to hinder himself from hearing, and turn'd away his Face that he might not see the Action; which we perceiving, we recom­mended him to the Mercy of God, and gave over. His Speech return'd not again for a considerable time, but he fixt his Ghastly Eyes upon us, and by the Air of his Countenance shew'd, that we had not a little dis­oblig'd him: And as soon as he cou'd speak, he said, ‘Tygers and Mon­sters, are ye also become Devils to Torment me, and give me a Prospect of Heaven, to make my Hell the more intollerable?’ Alas, Sir, reply'd I, what Interest can we have in making you miserable? 'Tis our desire of your recovery and re­conciliation with God, that casts us down at the Throne of Grace; if we must not seek assistance at the hand of God, where else should we seek it? If God denies; who else can give it? If he will not have Mercy; whether must we go for it? To which he reply'd, ‘Ay that's the [Page 55]Wound, God is become my Ene­my, and there is none so strong as he to deliver me out of his Hand; he consigns me over to his Eternal Wrath and Vengeance, and there is none that is able to Redeem me. Was there another God as Mighty as he who would Patro­nize my Cause, or was I above, or Independent of God, then I could Act and Dispose of my self as I pleased, then would my Horrors cease, and the Expectati­on and Designs of my Formida­ble Enemy be frustrate, but this cannot be,’ for I — Here his Voice failed him again, and he be­gan to struggle and gasp for a little Breath, which having recovered, with a Groan so Dreadful and Loud, as if it had not been Humane, he Cried out, ‘Oh the insufferable Pangs of Hell and Damnation!’ and so he Died, Death setling the Visage of his Face in such a Form, as if the Body, tho' Dead, was sensible of the Extremity of Torments. How [Page 56]God disposed of him we know not; Secret things belong to the Lord, to us Charity and Hope; yet not so much as to make this no Example to us, for such Instances are signa­lized on put pose to Teach us Fear and Reverence, to Judg our selves, and use the utmost Diligence and Care to make our Calling and Electi­on sure.