Love a la mode a comedy / written by a Person of honour.

Author: Southland, Thomas.1663

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Love a la Mode.

A COMEDY.

As it was lately ACTED with great Applause at Middlesex-House.

WRITTEN By a Person of HONOUR.

Ficta, voluptatis causa, sint proxima veris. Hor. de Art. Poet.

LONDON, Printed by J. C. for John Daniel, at the three Hearts in St. Paul's Church-yard, near the West end 1663

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Drammatis Personae.

GAMBƲGIƲM, a Doctor of Physick.
VIRGINIO, Father to Coelia.
Two Lovers A la Mode.
- TICKET, a Traveller,
- RANT his Friend,
PHILOSTRATƲS, a Gentleman, and Lover of Coelia.
GLISTERPIPE, The Doctors Man.
BLƲNT, An old fellow turn'd Gallant for Coelia's love.
A PORTER.
Two LACQƲEYS.
COELIA, Daughter to Virginio.
CLITTOMESTRA, Wife to Gambugium.
ACƲTA, Her Daughter.
ASTƲTIA, Sister to Ticket.
MATRONA, Governess to Coelia,

Scene LONDON.

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To the READER.

THis Comedy will (I hope) afford more variety both in humor and plot, then to give just cause to any to believe it a Translation: although (I must confess) there be a French Play which bears this Title; and in Title onely they resemble. The French are commonly content in their Comedies with one single Humor, and Rime; but the Criticks of this Island are scarce satisfied with Reason. I expect as many Censurers as Readers; but hold my self as little bound to believe them, as to court their approbation: for I shall neither live concerned at their frownes, nor much exalted with their smiles. Yet am I not so conceited of my Work, as some of my partiall Friends, who have imposed upon me the Penance to hear my Play extolled beyond its merit: for my Muse was never so ambitious, to pretend equality with those unparallell'd Poets they prefer her before. However, their Verses express their friendship, and peculiar approbation of what you may possibly condemn. But I desire to be tried by my Peers, by legitimate Judges, of which I conceive two sorts; Poet's in actu, and Poets in potentia, understanders of Poetry: under the last notion, I willingly comprehend the generous and accomplisht Gentry of this Nation; not every Mechanick stripling that can spell his Psalter, and censure Wit over a dish of Coffee: for a Comedy may loose halfe its worth by the ill reading, and all its wit through the dull apprehension of the peruser: yet such Readers I may easily forgive; for they suffer a kinde of penance in the Reading, by spending so much time to so little purpose, as the condemnation of what they understand not.

I onely contend with the ignorant; to the judicious my Muse submits, making onely exceptions against those, who think a Play criminall which had a Gentleman for its Composer; as if VVit and Blood were incompatible.

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Although the yeare of his Majesties happy Restauration gave birth to this Poem, yet because it was not before publisht, many may wonder why we omit so modern and Modish a Custome, as the introducing of Songs and Dances in every Scoene. Truely, though I hold them decent Ornaments of the Stage, I love not to make them the matter of my Play; nor do I believe them so absolutely necessary to a good Comedy, as to intrude them by head and shoulders, when they don't belong to my Plot. As neer as I could, I endeavoured to imitate Nature; for I think no impossible accident is here presented. If to some (I meane Poeticall Coblers, Vampers of VVit, who undertake to mend what they can't make) the language appeare beyond the condition of the speaker: their own Reason might instruct them, that Poets have in all times assumed to themselves a liberty of bettering and exalting Nature; and that Love (of all Passions) is the greatest improvement of Wit and Elocution. Nothing remaines besides (as I conceive) to carp at, unless because it was not Acted on a publick Stage: This Play was brought forth in the Shade, and Glories in a private reception; for she once received the Generall Votes and Applause of her Auditors: You'll finde by the perusall what she deserves. Farewell.

T. S.

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TO HIS HONOURED BROTHER, THE AUTHOR OF Love à la Mode.HAving well weigh'd your Scoenes, I needs must say,
Each Plot and Fancie's new within your Play.
You follow Nature justly; nothing here
Impossible, or Monstrous doth appeare:
No bumbast language, that so high doth swell,
As if 't would conjure Devills from their Cell,
Or rack the ear, and, which is worse, the brain
Of every Auditor, ere he can gain
The sense: but every Scoene is so exprest,
As suits the matter, and the humour best.
Now Fletcher's gone, I feare there are but few,
For neat expressions that can vie with you;
And though you imitate his wanton strain,
Love well express'd as much applause may gain
As dull Mechanick humors, since your pen
Can hit the humor of wilde Gentlemen.
R. Colbrand Baronet.

On the Incomparable LOVE à la MODE.CRiticks approach, view what a streame of Wit
Through this one Poem runs; examine it:
I dare engage, each Act, each Scoene, each line,
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Of purest Wit and Mirth 's the richest mine
Ere'sprung from English Pen. But whither strayes
My muse? 'tis boldly done: dost think thy praise
Exalts the Poets same? or can a Verse
Do more then Volumes justly can reherse?
Are not the Wits free votes already past,
That who condemns it, his own judgement blasts?
Were Shakespeare, Fletcher, or renowned Ben
Alive, they'd yield to this more happie pen
Those lawrells that bedeckt their brows; and say,
Love à la mode's the best-accomplish 'd Play.
J. Kelynge Esquire.

On the Composure of LOVE à la MODE.LOve à la mode doth in it selfe contain
So much of worth, my praises would profane
It's excellence: do but one Scoene rehearse,
You'll finde it much beyond the praise of Verse.
Vulgar words here you'll see plac'd with such art,
And so adapted unto every part;
A Comment would be useless to explain
His easie, fluent, and yet lofty strain:
Nor doth't in words consist (that were not fit)
But every word is usher'd in with wit.
Thus Wit and Language doth his Muse refine,
And them unto an active Plot doth joyn
With such true art, that all just Wits agree
In commendation of this Comedie.
And for its worth, I thus far dare ingage,
Since the revival of the English Stage;
No modern Muse hath yet produced such:
Were Johnson living, he would swear as much.
W. K.

[Page]
The first PROLOGUE, to Love à la mode.LOve à la mode! what doth the Poet mean?
With Hoods and Scarfs for to be deck his Scoene?
Open a pack, and let each Lady chuse
What best she fancies, or what's most in use?
This cannot be his meaning; 'tis not fit
That he should vent you Wares in stead of Wit:
Though Wit be hard to come by, and not doubt,
Tho' much pretended to, 'tis quite worn out:
And I believe, 'twill prove too great a pain
T'indeavour bringing of it up again.
Love à la mode! many a pretty wench
Hath taught a man to snuffle out more French:
That I should be thus blockish! but I'll in,
And straight intreat the Actors to begin:
For I believe before this Play is ended,
Most here will know the Love that's here intended.
And if my judgement I do not abuse,
This Gallick-love is here too much in use.
But I'm too bold, and much your patience wrong:
Here come the Actors, I must hold my tongue.

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A second PROLOGUE, To be spoken at the next acting of it.A Jury of noble Wits already past
Upon this Play, when 'twas presented last;
And having try'd it by Poetick Laws,
Doom it to live with general applause.
But not with standing this fair precedent,
If Writs of errour come, we must consent
It stand a second tryal, whilst you sit
Here round, the great Commissioners of Wit,
To canvase every Scoene; nay, we'll afford
You liberty to censure every word.
If some ambiguous are, or bear a sence
That on the Ladies have an influence,
To make them smile or blush; tell us, I pray,
Where lies the guilt? in them, or in the Play?
Words of themselves are innocent, 'tis your
Waggish conceits that makes the sense impure:
As once I stood behind a Ladies back
When she was reading a religious tract,
Wherein to occupy themselves 'twas said
In goodness did become a virtuous Maid:
She laugh'd aloud; the honest Fryer he
Knew no bad sense in the word occupy.
No more our Author doth; 'tis in your brest
To make a civil or immodest jest.
As for the Actors now, what faults they make
Are not premeditate, but by mistake;
Therefore with Reason for this mercy look,
To have (when out) the benefit o'th' Book.

[Page 1]

LOVE A la mode.

ACTUS Primus.

Scoena secunda.Rant and Ticket.
Rant.
WHen all is done, give me your English Madam;
She'll hold out a battery, a double
Voyage; and when she hath serv'd some thirty years
Or so, sprung twenty leaks, charitably
Maintain'd a Covie of younger Brothers;
In her age, when Beauty and Venery
Have both forsook her, makes all Flaws up,
And lives an honest Towns-mans wife.
Tick.
The plump Venetian do I most affect:
Oh Sir, they are so far beyond what our
Dull Island breeds, both for discourse, then their
Behaviour, wit, and cunning in managing
Their Loves, blinding their Husbands jealousies,
[Page 2]Which makes them up so absolute, as they
Likewise themselves, by th'help of Art, that you
Would swear our English women are meer fools,
And Gypsies compar'd to them.
Ran.
Travellers, Sir, have liberty to speak
Without controul: yet by your favour, Sir,
I have heard many, who have visited
Those parts, (of which some were Natives) t' affirm
The World could not afford Beauties
That might compare with those our Climate breeds.
Tick.
For natural Beauties, true: but they
Are onely fit for Naturals,
Meer Simplicina's, that have no wit
To raise, or to allay an appetite;
Which is the cause all strangers do esteem
We are inconstant Lovers; when the defect
Is in our women onely: for had they
The Art of the Venetian Courtizan,
To vary, and change themselves into divers shapes,
Now like a Nymph, sometimes a Shepherdess,
And now and then a Madam of the Court;
Why then, there were variety: but to be
Always forc'd to take up the same fashion'd
Peticoat — Fie upon't.
Ran.
But do you think, Sir, change of habit can
Work the same pleasure, as variety
Of Women?
Tick.
Exceeding far. In Italy I've seen
A She-Comoedian act four several parts,
And so by Art deceitful to the Eye,
That I have taken her for as many
Several persons; and so grew in love
With four Females in one woman.
Ran.
'Tis much, Sir, you deliver of that Nation,
Which may with ease excel in constancie,
Their women varying so their shapes,
According to their lovers appetites.
[Page 3]Yet I am sorry, Sir, your travels have
So prejudic'd your fancie to our beauties.
Tick.
Pish, not worthy of that name: some calves,
(She-ones I mean) born with white faces,
Green-sickness and Butter-milk, a Skin-deep
Vernish; but what have they besides to set
Them off? Nature's a Master-Taylor, Sir,
That cuts many handsome fashionable
Garments out (Beauties I mean) but Art's
Her fashioner, and indeed, doth give the
Grace and Ornaments to Natures rough-casts:
This Art th' Italian Dames are Mistress of,
Can change the colour of their hair at pleasure;
If 't be too long, lop from it; if too short,
Make an addition: if their complexion
Be swarthy, create a new one; if pale,
Adde to it a Tincture, that exceeds the Rose:
Their Eye-brows likewise they can mould, and colour
Their Eyes according to their fancie; their Nose,
Their Cheeks, their Lips, their Teeth; then, for their Tongue,
Their Language gives it such an harmony,
That you would swear they by themselves made up,
VVere Cherubins, sometimes Angels, and in
Their slightest dress the beautifull'st of women.
Ran.
Either they are Paragons indeed, or much
Indebted to thy character, by which
Thou hast so far enamoured me, that I
Could love them all in thy description:
In answer to which courtesie, I'll shew
Thee an English Beauty, whose killing eyes
I know must wound thy heart, unless thou hast
My Antidote against Love; she is
A Beauty to be seen on Festivals,
And by her Husband kept with as much care
As is his Sunday-Cloak.
Tick.
Pish, I'll not believe there can be such a thing
As any Beauty here: when I return'd
[Page 4]From travel, I did propose unto my eyes
A Lent, an abstinence from beauteous objects.
Rant.
Signor, tho' I am seldom so ill bred,
To place my praise and commendation
On any thing our Country doth produce,
(Tho' never so deserving) yet I can assure
This Lady worthy your acquaintance
And perusal; but yet so jealous kept.
Ticket.
That's it which moves me; for I love alife
To horne a man that's jealous of his wife.
Rant.
And now thou talk'st of jealousie, a neat
Jest comes to my minde, a Friend of mine
Did lately put upon this Churle: hee's old,
(That's by the way) and cannot see's fingers
Without Spectacles; which my friend-perceiving,
Took an occasion handsomely to change them,
And in their place, put multiplying ones.
The Doctor still discoursing with my Friend,
Fancies a noise in's Ladies Chamber; promptly
Snatches these Spectacles, puts them on, and runs
To surprize a fantastick nothing; findes
His Wife tying her shooe, whereat he grew
Inrag'd, thinking he saw a thousand hands
About her Petticoate; call's my Friend in, a Witness
To his Wives lewdness: but he no sooner entred,
But the Doctor grew more enrag'd, swore he
Saw a thousand men to Cuckold him; with
Which he drawes me out his two-hand Sword,
And kill's you valiantly some twenty shadowes;
Whil'st his Spectacles falling off, discovered what
An Ass he was.
Ticket.
Ha, ha, ha, I long to see this Lady; I wonder what She thought.
Rant.
Why, to make her Husband what he thought him­self.
Ticket.
And well he doth deserve it; hast thou been of­ten with her?
[Page 5]
Rant.
No, by this light, but thrice; I never love
To tie my self to one, tho' in the way
Of Courtship, I have for every day
My severall Mistress, for every week a fresh one.
Ticket.
Then thou art right; continue there: by Jove
I did not think a meere untravell'd man
Could love so à la mode. But, do the Ladies
Well receive this love?
Rant.
How can they choose, since with their nature it
So well agrees and sympathizes? they've learnt the trick
To entertain plurality of servants;
Some for their purse, and they maintain them
In all their riots and extravagant
Fancies; others for their ability
And strength of back, these are their Night-servants;
Some for their wit are likewise entertain'd,
And those they terme Platonicks, that by the
Conveyance of the Soul, at a long run
Come to participate corporeal favours.
Ticket.
These humors heighten me: prethee let's go,
That I may be a witness how much Ladies
Are improv'd during my Travels.
Rant.
If miracles will work upon thy faith,
Come, follow me.
Exeunt.

Scoena Secunda.

Virginio. Coelia. Matrona.

Virgi.

THou art the joy and comfort of my age,

Nor can I be too carefull in my love,

By placing over thee a Governess,

Whose ag'd experience may instruct thy youth,

And keep it from those by-paths the beauties

Of our age wander, and loose themselves in.

Coelia.

Sir, I hope

[Page 6]

The breeding, and good education,

You liberally have inrich't my youth with,

Have made such deep impressions in my nature,

By figuring on it Vertues Characters,

You need not doubt, altho' you left me to

My self, my virtue, or ability

To guide my honor, and govern my own fortunes.

Vir.

It is not doubted, my dearest Coelia,

Or of thy vertue or discretion

In managing, and governing thy self,

Thy Fortunes, or thy Reputation:

It is my care to see thee well bestow'd,

Richly, as thou deserv'st: to which intent,

Out of my fatherly affection to thee,

I have provided thee a Husband, wealthy

And young enough. No blushing, Girle, but let

Thy wonted obedience meet with my commands.

Coelia.

You cannot tax, I hope, in any thing

My disobedience, my ready duty

Having waited still on your commands.

Virg.

I do confess it; nor can you deny

That my care hath recompens'd thy duty,

A continuance whereof, will more and more

Endear my love and thee, to my affection.

Coelia.

If you lov'd me, Sir, as you do seem

To flatter my belief, you could not be

So ready and solicitous to part with me.

Virg.

Nor am I, Girle; I do not part with thee,

I but prefer thee to a noble choice:

For when thou art married, thou shalt live with me.

As now thou dost, and I shall love thee more,

If my affections will admit encrease:

Coelia.

Say that you still should love me, how can I

Answer with duty, that paternall love,

When you have given up in me

Your interest, I in my selfe my own,

Unto a Husband; to whom I then must pay

The love and duty that's now due to you?

[Page 7]

Virg.

Thou plead'st so prettily that trust me I could

Almost let my Reason yeild unto thy fond

Affection: but when thou art

Married, Girl, and know'st the sweetness of that

Happy state, thou'lt sing me a new song.

Coeli.

I wish no richer knowledge then my Duty,

Nor better companions then my own

Chaste thoughts.

Virg.

And for a while enjoy thy wish:

If you die an old maid, the worst is yours.

Go in, and send Matrona hither.

Exit Coelia.

Not marry? it is somewhat strange for Girls

Of her sprightly humor, in the teens

So far advanc'd, to refuse so good offers:

But possibly she hath some other love,

Some needy Rascal, whose wit out-weighs his wealth,

That will enjoynter her in Parnassus Hill:

By th' Mass I'll none of that; but did I think

'Twere her chaste strictness to a Virgins life,

I would as yet dispense her being a wife.

Welcome Matrona.

Enter Matrona.

Matr.

My charge made me believe your worship sent for me.

Virg.

I did: for as I have unto thy care

Committed th'onely Jewel of my life;

So I would not have thee ignorant of

My intents in placing thee her Governess.

Matr.

Your worship did very discreetly in't.

Virg.

I know not that; it is as you discharge

The careful trust impos'd upon you.

Now my design in placing of you here,

Is for to pry into her actions,

Her thoughts, if possible, to finde

How her affections stand, and to whom.

Matr.

You could not have chose an apter instrument: I am us'd to these discoveries; in one half hour I can insinuate my self into her heart, there know her secret sins, there see [Page 8]her smallest thoughts as plain as you do now her face:

Virg.

I do believe it; however, be it

Your care to put all this in practise;

Search to the depth, try her, and sound her heart,

VVhich in appearance seemeth all obedience.

Matr.

And Maidens oft dissemble, that I can tell you:

My charge is witty too, plaguy cunning.

Virg.

'Tis that I fear; yet did I make tryal

Of her inclinations towards marriage,

By propounding to her a wealthy husband;

Handsome, and not far in years.

Matr.

I marry Sir, those were baits to catch a maid, and cause her blood to make an insurrection in her veins: did not your worship perceive at the mention of a husband, a blush, a smile, or alteration in her countenance? Now by the concupiscence of my flesh, I do believe it mov'd her much.

Virg.

Not in the least, she continued cold

As a widows tears, I hope not so deceitful.

Matr.

Trust her not, not half so far as you can see her: take it on my experience, a maid of seventeen cannot relent so coldly the motion of a husband, unless she were elsewhere provided.

Virg.

I do believe the same; tho' she did strive

For to insinuate into my thoughts,

It was her love to me, and to a single life.

Matr.

Pshaw, pshaw, meer dissembling: believe a Maid in love! believe an Infidel, and turn Atheist sooner.

Virg.

VVell, I leave her to thy wise examination,

In which use all thy art, and utmost skill,

The while I will absent my self, and give

Thee way to work.

Matr.

Your worship doth discreetly; for in your absence, she will appear more open.

Exeunt.

[Page 9]

Enter Coelia from behinde the Arras.

Coelia.

'Twas well I over-heard your plots; for now

Being fore-warn'd, I know to be fore-arm'd;

What a deceitful creature this old

Woman is! how she improv'd my fathers

Jealousies! twenty to one, I should

Have trusted her with the secret of my love,

And so betray'd it to my fathers wrath,

Lost that affection which I hold so deare,

And what to me's more deare, Philostratus:

But I am safe, and all their plots are vain,

Being counterplotted by my womans brain.

Exit.

Scoena Tertia.

Gambugium, Clittomestra, Aeuta, Glisterpipe.

Gambug.

MY blessing, Daughter, and deare Wife; go in,

The air is humid, it will do thee harme:

Thou art but weak, my lambe; good honey, in.

Clittom.

Do you think that I can cloister up my self,

Be kept coop't, like a Chicken in a Pen,

For you, or any mans pleasure? tho' you be

My Husband, y'are not my Jaylor.

Gambug.

Nor do desire, chick, nor do desire;

It is pro sanitate tantum, that I speak it,

For thy health sake, meerly out of love: alass,

What wer't to me, to let thee go abroad,

Expose thy tender body to the frigid

Vapors of the ayr, wer't not my love, my love,

Still to preserve thee mine?

Clittom.

Rather your jealousie, that I

Should sometimes prove anothers.

Gambug.

Fye, fye, thou art too waspish: I' faith 'tis

No jealousie in the world, but of thy health;

[Page 10]

And that concernes all loving husbands to

Be jealous of.

Clittom.

Well, since your jealousie is no other, I will obey you, Sir: but, I hope, tho' you confine me to my chamber, because the Ayr is but just parboil'd by the Sun, and, as you terme it, raw; good company are not against your rules of health.

Exit.

Glister.

But much against the rules of honesty.

Acut.

And why so, good Monsieur Glisterpipe?

Glister.

I said it to please my Master meerly, sweet

Young Mistress: may I renew my suite?

Acut.

It had need; for it is a thred-bare one.

Glister.

Sweet Mistress, you are too quick.

Acuta.

If a dead one be for your dyet, the Anatomy above will neither be too quick, nor too sweet for you: I need none of your Glisters.

Glister.

Many a better have been glad to dance after my Pipe.

Exit Acuta.

Gambug.

Keep her chamber, to entertain Gallants!

Oh my head, my braines, my budding head! I were

Better have let her gone abroad, then thus

Have given her a private liberty

To be horrid; I dare not name it to my self:

A Chamber! a bed! oh my perplexed thoughts!

The deed is doing now, even now, and yet

I stay, just like a Wittal, to connive

At my own shame: why Glisterpipe!

Glister.

Did your Worship call, Sir?

Gambug.

Softly, you rogue; lay your eare close, closer

To this passage; heark, if you do not heare

The creaking of some Courtiers shooes.

A Jack wound up.

Divel, the very bed-ropes crack.

Glister.

No, Sir, 'tis onely the winding of the Jack;

I heare it plain.

Gambug.

'Tis well it was no worse: good Glisterpipe,

I am sent for now to Court; in haste to Court:

Be in my absence watchfull hereabout.

[Page 11]

See thou observ'st who enters and goes out:

Here, take my Table-book, prick all down there.

Glister.

Not what the Gallants prick down in my Mistress Chamber.

Gambug.

Their names, you Rascal, their names; and when they are entred, be sure thy eye keep faithful watch upon them, through that hole, that cranny, dost thou see? and all their actions faithfully set down, rendring me my books at my return: wilt thou deale faithfully?

Glister.

Indeed I will.

Gamb.

And thou shalt have such a reward,

If thou canst make discovery.

Glister.

Master, be confident, Argus with's hundred eyes, never watch't Io with halfe the circumspection I will her.

Gambug.

Deare, honest Glisterpipe, thou art my confidence.

Exit.

Glister.

Now am I in Authority, and will be severe in my Office; for I can bid stand to any man, and for his passage, stand high in my Mistress favour. But by your favour then, good Master Glist erpipe, where's your fidelity? why, within my Mistriss purse-strings: Can it there abide? No, for my Mistriss gold may drive it thence. Therefore good fidelity returne into my bosome, and guard the little Infidel my Mistriss, and witty Pagan her Daughter. See, they come; now to my watch.

Scoena Quarta.

Glisterpipe, Clittomestra, Acuta.

Clitto.

DAughter, 'tis Courtly; must we live Cloistred up,

Retir'd like Anchorites, persons meerly borne

To converse with walls, or Courtiers in

The Arras? where's then content, our liberty,

That noble freedom women were born with?

Shall I, because I'm married, barr my self

[Page 10] [...][Page 11] [...][Page 12]

Of noble friendship, and society;

Or you, to please a Fathers jealous humour,

Live a neglected and obscure Maide,

Nor seen nor spoken of, whil'st other

Meaner beauties are admired, loved —?

Acuta.

Yes, and Courted, hurried to the Park,

Treated at Mulberry, presented at

The Change: of all this, deare Mother,

Am I sensible, as of my Fathers

Peevish jealousie, which, if you please

Give way, shall no more chain our liberty,

Or circumscribe our pleasures, yet

All this be done, and he contented too;

For therein doth consist the wit,

And management of the designe.

Clitto.

Thou tak'st me strangely: but how should thy

Few years arrive at this rare knowledge,

Which my whole age could not enrich me with?

Acuta.

You took another way, more suiting to

Your nature; that is, by the torrent

Of your will, and higher spirit, to bear all

Before you; but this augments my Fathers

Jealousie, excites betwixt you daily discontents:

My way's more sweet, and easie,

To appeare a most obedient Wife, yet be

A sole Commandress of your will and pleasure.

Clitto.

How greedily my eare drinks up thy voice!

Could'st thou but add performance to thy Speech,

We were both happy.

Acuta.

Be so, deare Mother, change but your high strain,

Seeming obedient to my Fathers will,

And leave the rest to me; in the mean time,

Prepare your self to entertain the Courtiers.

Clitto.

I flie, deare Daughter, leaving all to thee.

Exit.

Acut.

You may relie, this fellow here is set

By my fathers jealousie (I know) to watch:

But I unto his honour still must prove

[Page 13]

The faithful'st watch, however I keep times

VVith some small follies, to prevent great crimes.

Exit.

Glis.

They're gone: now must my observation make use of my Table-book: My Mistress and her Daughter — were in consultation — upon a conspiracie—a quarter of an hour—five minutes—and a moment.—

VVrites.

A Table covered. Enter Acuta with a mess of Cream, set's it on the Table.

Glis.

But soft, what have we here? delicious Cream,

By the Mass; that's more then I know, before I

Taste it: 'tis well sweetned; Oh delicate Ambrosia!

I'll eat more, it won't be mist: I could e'en go to Noddy.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Sleeps. Enter Acuta.

Acut.

So, he's fast; the plot hath ta'en, the Opium done its part. But soft, what's here? A Table-book! let me see: My Mistress and her daughter were in consultation—hum—upon a conspiracie—hum—a mess of Cream—this I'll blot out, and write thus— No creature hath been here since you went out: My Mistress and her Daughter spent their time in prayer.

So into his pocket with it.

This happily is dispatch't, and whilst you sleep,

A truer watch I'll on my Mother keep.

Exit.

Scoena Quinta.

Rant, Ticket, Glisterpipe, Clittomestra, Acuta.

Ran.

THis is the mansion, Lad, a poor outside,

But richly lin'd with beauty, love, courtship,

And complaisance; what would'st thou more?

Tick.

VVhy Rant, I'd see all this thou talk'st of, these

Miracles that thou delud'st my faith with.—

Rant.

Peace, Infidel, thou shalt, and be as soon

Converted; I'll enter thee into a rich

Acquaintance, into a societie

Will steal thy heart through the portals of

[Page 14]

Thy eyes, if thou not summon for a guard

VVhat is most man within thee.

Tick.

That at my peril, Rant: but we loose time.

Ran.

Come, we'll enter further: but soft, here's her man,

I'll waken him: Oh, sirrah!

Tick.

How fast he is! Is he not dead?

Ran.

Your foot disturb'd his slumber: hark how he snores! The other kick wakes him.

Glis.

Eay, ey, a mess of Cream.

Ran.

Pox take you, Skim-milk: where's your Mistriss?

Tick.

Pish, he's fast: the noise of a Bear-garden would scarce move him.

Enter Clittomestra, Acuta.

Ran.

There let him lie: Here comes the Ladies; we'll move them. Ladies, will you pardon your servants boldness, in presenting a Traveller and Friend of mine to your acquaintance?

Clit.

No doubt he is a Gentleman of those choice parts, may challenge without commendations, greater favours: but I shall take notice of him as your friend: y'are welcome Signor.

Tick.

I am ambitious to be known by the title of your servant, Madam.

Salutes her.

Clit.

Your travels, I suppose, Sir, have afforded you

Such excellent choice paterns of our Sex,

And such variety, that 'twere a sin

To undervalue you with any title

Meaner then a friend.

Tick.

Y'are too bountiful:

Call me your slave, your bondman: no office (Madam)

Can be base, or mean, that hath the least

Relation unto you, whose sole vertue

Is sufficient to ennoble it.

Clit.

Y'are a Courtier, Sir, as well as Traveller;

And where these two perfections meet in one,

They needs must overcome: I see it is

A vanity, either to argue your

Own noble worth, or my native meanness:

[Page 15]

Since at once, you can exalt the one,

And at your pleasure render the other low.

Tick.

VVe'll not fall out for titles; I'd be own'd

By that would most indear me to your love.

Clit.

Then be my friend.

Tick.

I would your nearest, Madam, dearest and constantest.

Clit.

Did ever man mean constantly?

Tick.

Ask whether the Sun affords his light to all,

VVhether the Sea be govern'd by the Moon

Man subject unto frailty, any thing,

That is more common, visible and plain,

Rather then question my integritie,

My constancie, and faithfulness in love.

Do Usurers love and dote upon their Gold?

VVith the same superstition I'll love you.

Do happy men desire and cherish life?

VVith the same care will I preserve your love;

Be as far from boasting of your favours,

As Religious men their charitable Alms.

Clit.

Your nobleness confirms your constant minde;

But yet you are a stranger: altho' I must

Confess, your language is so powerful,

And bears such a similitude with truth,

That not to credit it were heresie.

Tick.

Dear Madam, you may without danger place

The smallest accent falling from my tongue,

An article in your belief.— Lady,

Y'ave found a man, whose Constancie's more firme

Then Fate, whose love's more fervent then Aetna's

Fiery bosome; more fruitful then the day,

VVhich cannot pass without some novelty,

Nor can my love without new services:

I breath and live, but to no other end;

I was made to serve you, you the fair shrine

To which I ought to dedicate my actions:

All that I am, or can be, 's in your power.

[Page 16]

Should I prove false, your frown may strike me dead;

And being so, your smile renew my life.

Did you but know your absolute command,

Your power to make me happy, with your

Prerogative to inflict upon me

Punishments, to which Hells torments

Are meere pastimes, you would be mercifull,

And not torment, by your suspition, one

So firmly dedicated to your service.

Clitto.

These are bewitching accents sure; I thought

To play but wantonly with Love, and like

A flie about a candles blaze, have sindged

My wings, and perish'd in the flame.

Ticket.

I feare my discourse is tedious;

For I perceive a discomposure in your looks,

As if my speech and presence were unwelcome.

Clitto.

Y'ave little skill, Sir, in Physiognomy:

For I have heard such excellent discourse,

That I could live and die upon the lips

From whence it flow'd.

Ticket.

Nothing, Madam, but what your beauty form'd,

Which, should I speak unto its smallest worth,

I must speak wonders, and from your face

Make all succeeding Poets to derive

Their highest Epithites.

Deerest Lady, you, who onely are

Worthy to be stiled faire;

Whose virtue doth enshrine,

And make your beauty more divine:

Bow down those Rosie Twins of bliss,

That I may surfet of a kiss,

And of that surfet die,

Engraving on your lips mine Elogie.

Clitto.

Who can deny a favour begg'd like this?

Ticket.

One, freely granted, makes a double kiss.

Rant.

By Heaven, y'are more fair and beautifull

Then the grey-ey'd morne, drest in her clearest

[Page 17]

Robes, such as adorne her in the spring.

Acut.

Suppose it granted, what do you infer from this?

Rant.

That all the world (faire Lady) are oblig'd

To admire, love, or rather reverence,

The divine seat of so much beauty.

Acuta.

And amongst the rest, you'd enter into bond.

Rant.

Lady, I'd be your bond-slave, one of the meanest

Admirers and celebraters of your beauty.

Acuta.

I'd rather cancel your obligation, and have my

Beauty celebrated at liberty, that's at your own

Discretion, Sir.

Rant.

By Jove thou hast an excellent wit too, and I love that.

Acuta.

Nay, if you so soon diversifie in your affection, and

Make a digression from beauty to wit, I have

Done with you.

Rant.

Excuse me, Lady, wit's an interiour beauty; I hope

You'l give me leave in liveliest colours to set

Forth your excellence; and having given you

Reasons why y'are lovely, I may the easier perswade

You that I love you.

Acut.

I wish I could as easily believe: but since I afford

You the liberty of speaking, you cannot in justice

Deny me the like freedom in believing.

Rant.

Well, Madam, I hope we shall not alwayes differ thus: the better you know me. —

Acut.

The less I shall trust you: your friend is taking

Leave of my Mother, which makes me leave you

To your complement.

Ticket.

Madam, I am your Creature: whither away, Little beauty?

Snatches Acuta by the hand.

Acuta.

Not the right way, since I could not avoid yours.

Ticket.

Did you know how much I love and honour

You, dear Lady, you'd think your way were right;

I'm sure I do; direct my purpose so,

My honest faithfull love: never till now

Did such a glorious constellation break,

And lay it self open to a mortal eye;

[Page 18]

Y'are by all the reverence I owe your name,

By my vow'd love, by thy faire self, which is

The most of all; the onely beauty that I ever saw.

Acut.

Alass, poor Sir, how long since have you recovered your eye-sight?

Ticket.

Now I have lost it (Lady) ne'er till now,

Blinded with the glorious beames of your

Beauty, by the ardor of my own true love.

Acuta.

Alass! poor love, such an affection had need of a dog to lead it.

Ticket.

No, I cannot miss my way to such a

Light: for all the paths of excellence and

Vertue do lead unto it. Would I behold

The Sun in its true glory? 't must then be

In that divine and glorious Firmament:

Would I obtain the knowledge of the Stars,

All their powerfull influence upon me?

I'd have recourse unto those starry twins,

Your eyes; for they command my destinie,

Govern my fortunes.

Acut.

Take breath, good Monsieur, take breath; you'll want it for the next Mistriss you go to.

Ticket.

You may well despise so mean a servant,

Lady; but if upon my love you please

To cast a favourable eye, you'll finde

It so faithfull, fixt, and constant, that tho'

It be within the power of your frownes

To look me dead, your greatest scornes are not

Of force to set a period to my love.

Acut.

I have no power left for scornes: what's this I feel? Oh! you think y'ave don't to purpose now: how many of these fine speeches can you afford a penny?

Ticket.

They are not mercenary words; poor breath,

And yet ambitious by its constancy,

To win the greatest beauty the World hath.

Acut.

Oh! these word, do melt the Virgin-snow

About my heart: I dare no longer stay;

[Page 19]

For if I do, I'm lost. Oh, 'tis pity

Nature contriv'd a tongue with so much art,

Then wedded it unto so false a heart.

Exit.

Clit.

My Daughter gone?

Tick.

Wearied, Madam, with the dulness of my discourse.

Clit.

That would rather invite her stay,

It is so charming.

Tick.

'Tis much honoured by your approbation, Madam:

Whil'st I am, rest confident of a servant.

Rant.

Lady, we'll cease to be at this time more importunate.

Ticket.

Your humble servant: your directions shall be my guide.

Clit.

Before the Sun takes Coach, you'll hear from me.

Your Servant, Gentlemen.

Exeunt.

Enter Acuta with a Note.

Acut.

What, is he gone so soon, before my pen

Could figure forth the smallest of my thoughts?

Traiterous love, to steal upon my heart

Thus, like a thief, insensibly: poor maid!

To loose at first the glory of thy scorn,

To play, and jest away thy freedom thus;

And, to a man, that I believe more false,

Then a flattering dream, and more illusive!

Yet, why do I say false? his protestations

Were as firm as truth; his face

Too smooth, if well observ'd, for to conceal

A falsehood. How prettily my love doth

Plead in his defence!

He wakes.

Glister.

Oh, oh, hey, Madam Acuta, I had the prettiest dream!

Acut.

Some meanes I'll work, to make him know I love;

Being first assur'd that he will constant prove.

Exit.

Glister.

Oh the uncharitable wretch, to leave me all alone! now am I as amorous as a dancing Ape, and as letcherous as an [Page 20]old lowzie beggar. Well, this quarter parcel of Virginity will not out of my minde, and yet she will not minde me: but I'll have a conceit shall tickle her yet, make her a bill of my affection, and give her so many Items of my good parts.

If that don't win her, may all Lovers prove

Full of deceit, not conceit, in their love.

Exit.

ACTUS Secundus.

Scoena Prima.

Coelia, Matrona.

Mat.

SWeet Lady-bird, do not frown; you'll mar the beauty of your lookes.

Coel.

Why? if I do, I hope they are my own.

Mat.

Tho' now they are, they must shortly be anothers: preserve them, Mistress, for a husband.

Coel.

Good Antiquity, sputter farther off; I have no time for trifles.

Mat.

But you must listen to the experience of the old: age is honourable; and my place requires some reverence.

Coel.

VVhat, Groom of my stoole?

Mat.

These are unreverent words to your Governess.

Coel.

Governess? what proud foole dares hope that glorious title o'er me? thou, I know, canst not expect any thing beyond what Nature did intend thee for, a Baud.

Mat.

Minion, minion, you shall know, I am your Governess.

Coel.

Again that word? thou prodigy of age, how dar'st thou tempt my patience? Think not, whil'st I know who I am, and where I am, my Fathers Daughter in my Fathers house, there shall be any Governess but I.

[Page 21]

Mat.

I'll be your adviser then.

Coel.

I'd advise you to be less sawcy, woman, and know your distance: when I need you, or your advice, I'll call for you; till when, it will become your duty to be silent, and not abuse my Fathers charity. He take thee for a Governess! alass, poor woman, how I pitty thy wrong judgment! he took thee of meere charity, good man, it is his usual course.

Mat.

She'll perswade me I am a beggar streight, a right worshipfull subject for a Brokers charity. — Lady, however you are pleas'd to abuse me in your Fathers absence, I must tell you I was entertain'd on other conditions.

Coel.

And I tell thee, thou doting Woman, thou hast never a good condition to be entertain'd for.

Mat.

VVell, I am patient, you see: we old folks are fools; my love makes me bear all: I can take nothing ill from my sweet Mistress: Youth will make merry with Age. Deare sweet Mistress, I'll be any thing to please you.

Coel.

Be silent then, and hold thy prate; dost think my fortunes can be better'd by thy advice, or prejudic'd without it? or hath my Father plac'd you here a Prologue to my Maidenhead, to tell each gallant, as he passes by, what's to be had within?

Mat.

I am sorry, Lady, you should thus misconster my love; bent onely to your service, my self your creature, who would be willingly employ'd in any thing, that might be gratefull to you. — I know you are a Maid, a ripe one; and to some one particular bear an affection: give me, sweet Ladybird, the secret, and you shall see how suddenly I'll work your will; how secretly, with what dexterity I'll manage your affection. If this, or all the endeavours of my life can gain your good opinion, sweet Lady-bird, command me.

Coelia.

Then I command thy absence; thy fight is a

Disease as killing as the Plague: how well

Did my Prophetick spirit guess, when I

Did call thee Baud, a promoter of base lust?

For now I finde thee a most deceitfull

And a treacherous one — I'd have thee know,

[Page 22]

'Tis not within the magick of thy tongue

To pervert my chastity, tho' you hide

Beneath the heavenly name of love

Your Devil, lust. Do'st think, thou rottenness,

I am so much a foole, as to believe

Thou can'st be true to me, that to

My Fathers trust prov'st such a traitor? — But

For blistering of my tongue, I now could

Curse thee, curse thee to Hell, to warm thy old

Decayed letcherous trunk.

Mat.

You know I don't deserve this.

Coel.

Away, dissembler, hypocrits; dost weep,

And think to chain my weak belief with teares?

Mat.

No; th'are teares of love, caus'd by unkindness.

Coel.

VVhatere they are, I hate both them and thee:

Avoid my fight, thou most corrupted shroud,

Lest that my rage inforce me set a mark

Upon thy lewdness. I command thee hence.

Mat.

VVell, well, I must obey: your Father will come home.

Exit Matrona.

Coel.

I know he will, and that all this discourse

Flies swiftly to his eare; but I shall be

Prepar'd. — I am glad I've workt this Satan hence;

To whom I was oblig'd use this rough strain,

To keep her too insinuating notes

At a due distance from my heart: for had

I given her dissimulation way,

I had undone my self, who am too apt

By faire pretences to be wrought upon:

But whil'st I kept her at a distance thus,

She could not close; and I, as if I were

In an inchanted Circle, stood secure,

Upon the Center of my resolution.

But now I must prepare for a new onset,

A Fathers severe brow: assist me Wit,

And Love assist me too, to counterfeit

As many humours as Proteus shapes:

[Page 23]

My Philostratus too, I must instruct,

That he may be as ready in his part

As I: for love hath taught me mine by heart.

Exit.

Scoena Secunda.

Gambugium, Clittomestra, Acuta, Glisterpipe.

Gam.

STand aside a while; I'll kiss thee anon:

Come hither, Glisterpipe; hast thou set down?

Glist.

Verbatim, Sir, as this Book shall specifie.

Gam.

'Tis well, 'tis well: umh, um, um. At her Devotion:

That was somewhat like: No Gallant here. A

Good amendment still. Come hither, Wife:

And now I'll kiss thee, hony.

Clit.

When you please, Sir: it is most fit

That I expect your appetite.

Gam.

Oh sweet alteration! why now thou art my

Life, my heart, my soul; what shall I term

Thee, to express my love? my joy is now at

Full, and makes my blood to caper in my veins:

These dainties are not to be parted with.

Now tell me, Deare, how in my absence did'st

Employ thy time?

Clit.

Oh Sir, it was exceeding tedious to me:

VVhen you are out, me thinks I miss part of

My self within. I spent my time

As suited best my thoughts, in melancholy,

Untill my Daughter came to comfort me,

By reading to me a Religious Tract,

A Treatise made against incontinence;

So excellent a piece, that credit me

It might convert the boldest Courtesan;

And yet 'tis usefull to the chastest wife:

I found much comfort in't: believe me, Sir,

There is no happiness like contemplation.

[Page 24]

Gam.

Nor no felicity like such a VVife.

Clit.

For contemplation elevates our joy,

And mitigates extremity of grief:

It sweetly passes over tedious time,

And sweetens all afflicting accidents.

Gam.

It do's, it do's, sweet heart, and comforts me.

My thanks to thee, dear daughter, who found out

So good an entertainment for my VVife.

Acut.

It is my duty, Sir, to study both your satisfactions.

Gam.

And our happiness to have so blest a childe.

However virtue doth reward her self,

Many are virtuous onely for reward;

Therefore 'tis good for to encourage them,

And let them know they have done well:

Here, Daughter, take this, 'twill buy a handsome

Dressing for thy head: I love to see

Thee neat: and, dearest VVife, this brace of Angels

Shall henceforth be thy guard: they flew into

My purse this morning, next my heart.

Clit.

I thank you, Sir; as many of these guardians as you please.

Gam.

I'll out, and get thee more: be merry in my absence,

Lamb: nay, prithee look not sad; for then

Thy over-kindness will afflict me more,

Then my suspition ever did before.

Here, take my Book; thou know'st thy task.

Exeunt.

Glister.

Fear nothing, Sir.

Clit.

Ha, ha, ha! be merry, Lamb; your counsel I will take:

Sadness ne'r enters here, till you come back.

Acut.

Deare Mother, tell me how you now approve

My counsel; how like you the success?

Is not this better then continuall brawles,

Hourely jealousies and discontents?

Clit.

Much better, Daughter; now we have his heart,

His purse, himself, and all, at our command.

I do applaud thy wit, and love thee for't:

But, deare Acuta, I have a new design.

[Page 25]

Acut.

Enrich my knowledge with't; and if it rest

Within the compass of a womans brain,

Account it done.

Clitto.

You make me happy, childe;

For this requires more Secrecie then Wit:

I dare trust none but thee: this small Letter

Would I have speedily convey'd.

Acut.

With secrecie?

Clitto.

With all caution, into the hands of that Same stranger-Gentleman.

Acut.

Think it done, and 'tis so: have you any Further service?

Clitto.

Onely this.

Acut.

Account it done: in the mean time, good Mother,

Let's give no nourishment to my Fathers

Jealousie, by a long conference.

Clitto.

Feare nothing; he is at Court by this.

Acut.

But his intelligencer is at home.

Clitto.

How I love thy discreet caution!

Exit.

Acut.

You would have cause, dear Mother, knew you all.

Now to my Letter; it bears direction,

To Her most bonour'd Friend Mr. Ticket;

That's His name: this is a new discovery.

By your leave, Mother, I'll make bold and read it.

Dear Sir,

Your Courtship was so powerfull, few or none could resist; it was not at least in my power: but, whether the eloquence of your language, or excellence of your Person won the victory upon me, is disputable: certainly both concurr'd to compleate your Merit. By promise I was to appoint the place of a second interview: but since finding my self guilty of too much modesty, to undertake so great a piece of confidence, I most humbly desire you so far to indulge my bashfulness, and dispence with my promise, as to make the appointment your self; where I may appear

Your most affectionate Friend and Servant, Clittomestra.

[Page 26]

Acut.

Where you may appear a wilde licentious woman

But I'll divert your ill intents to good,

And keep you virtuous against your will:

Besides, I love the Gentleman my self,

Though he be much unworthy of my love;

For it should seem he courted my Mother

To the same height of ardencie in love,

As he did me. Inconstancy of man!

Oh men, what are you! and what fools are we,

To credit your false vowes! henceforth I'll take

My heart a little nearer to my self:

Though I must love him still, I'll be so wise,

To credit no mans vowes before my eyes:

Howe'r, this interview I can prevent,

Writing a Letter to a wrong intent:

But by this wrong, I do my Father right,

Besides a justice to my love; nor can

My Mother, when chaste thoughts take place, condemne

Me for't — It is resolv'd, I will about it streight:

Delay's are dangerous in affairs of weight.

Exit.

Scoena Tertia.

Virgini, Matrona, Coelia.

Mat.

SHe is, saving your VVorships reverence, possest; but with such a spirit, that all the Conjurers in Town Shall never lay.

Virg.

VVhy, what said She to thee?

Mat.

Nay, what did She not say? when I told Her, I was

To be Her Governess, She roar'd lowder then a

Cannon, and had like to have destroy'd me with

The artillery of Her high language: She scolded

Faster then a Billingsgate Oyster-wench, and rail'd

At me with as great a liberty, as an ignorant

Phanatick at a stand in his Text, ever did against

[Page 27]

The Pope; baited me worse then his Bull could

Be at Geneva, and threatn'd, if I but

Urg'd the name of Governess, it should be my last.

Virg.

Thou dost belie Her now; I know thou dost:

Her nature is more soft, then finest downe;

Her behaviour most sweet, and affable,

And never guilty of such a rudeness

As thou deliver'st. She is not halfe

So spleenitive as a Dove; a fish is scarce

So silent as she, when She's admonish't.

She threaten thee! fie, 'tis impossible:

She'd scarce menace a Dog that bites Her.

Mat.

I know not, but am sure I was afraid

Of my eyes: and then I did comply, told Her

I'd be her servant: She call'd me Baud, old

Rottenness, and such language as was beyond

The patience of a Stoick. I still bore, gave Her

Sweet language, offered to serve her in any secret

Of Her dearest love; but still was rated at.

Virg.

It is beyond a miracle; I cannot credit it.

Mat.

Stand but aside, and witness it: I hear Her coming.

Enter Coelia drest like a Puritan.

VVhat, Lady, chang'd your dress?

Coel.

You see, good Governess, the effects of your commands: your counsels have open'd my eyes, and made me see the vanities of youth.

Mat.

You're deceiv'd, dear Mistress; I'd have you brave, gallant, glittering with Jewells, deck't with ribbans, gaudier then the rain-bow.

Coel.

Good Mother, do not trie me with too many and fierce temptations: I am not fully strengthned in faith yet; the Snares of Satan may intrap me.

Mat.

I'the Divells name, how came She chang'd thus?

Coel.

Holy Governess, will you conduct me, according to

Your promise, to the Conventicle of Religious Brethren?

[Page 28]

Mat.

I promise, sweet Creature, to get thee a Husband, a valiant man.

Coel.

That were irreligious: get me a sanctified Husband,

A man of the purest reformation.

Virg.

My Child's spoil'd; the Trot has abus'd me, infus'd

Three long points and a halfe of Predestination into Her

Head, and made Her as mad as a French Taylor,

VVhose brains are whimsied with an inundation

Of new fashions. — But I'll hear more.

Coel.

Whereabout stand all the meeting-houses? how

Many Lectures are there a week?

Mat.

Are you mad? what have you to do with Lectures

And Meeting-Houses? how came you chang'd thus?

Did you not ere while abuse me in as imperious

A strain as a thrice-married Widow?

Coel.

Goodness forbid! the vanity of my spirit rise in

Insurrection against the elder? that were surely

Reprobation; by yea and nay, damnation.

Mat.

Out, dissembler! did you not call me Baud,

Trot, and other beastly names?

Coel.

Verily you do scandalize the Righteous: but by revelation it was reveal'd to me, that I should suffer; and by inspiration I receiv'd it in spirit, that the beginning of my Reformation would be a Conflict of warfare and temptation.

Virg

I can contain no longer. — How now, Daughter! No blessing?

Coel.

The sanctified Sisters do not use it, trust me.

It is superstitious and abominable in the eyes

Of Reformation.

Virg.

Oh my heart! I now begin to feare

She's too far gone to be reclaim'd in haste.

Daughter, I've brought thee home a brave rich Gowne,

Two scollopt Gorgets of the newest cut,

And Suites of several fashionable Ribbans:

I love to see thee gallant: Virgins still

Should be desirous of all novelties.

Coel.

I'll have none, they are the very cobwebs of Satan.

[Page 29]

Afflict not my memory with the errors of my

Youth; all these vanities are now abominations.

Therefore I'll go humble my self, that is, make

My self humble, and depress the spirit of

Vanity.

Exit.

Virg.

Oh thou VVitch-hagg; either reduce Her from

This Phrenzy, or ne'er see my face.

Mat.

I'll use my endeavour, Sir.

Exit.

Virg.

Oh curious foole, that sought to prie into

Thy Daughters thoughts! thy curiosity

Is now re-paid from a high hand. Heaven

Restore my Childe unto Her former wits, —

Or else let me restore Her unto you. —

Give Her, or take Her: griefs, you are but weak,

That cannot make an old man's heart to break.

Scoena Quarta.

Blunt, Virginio, Coelia, Matrona.

Blunt.

HOw cheere you forsooth? my Mistriss, the Lady

Your Daughter, I hope She be in health.

Virg.

Never worse, Sir, never worse, Mr. Blunt:

However, you shew your love in asking after her.

Blunt.

Truely forsooth it doth afflict me much.

Virg.

Passion will do no good, Mr. Blunt: I did intend

You for my Son-in-law; but some hypocritical

Varlet hath spoil'd my Daughter; she is not

What she was.

Blunt.

Goodness sake, Sir, is she not a maid still?

Virg.

For ought I know; but such a precise Sister

She's grown, you'll scarce know her: she has

Lost her wit too: you know she was full of

Jests, witty girds, for which I lov'd her; now

She's the plainest thing!

Blunt.

Trust me I shall like her the better; for her wit

[Page 30]

Was a razor to my nature: if she be grown a plain

Dealer, let me alone, if down-right dealing

Will do it.

Virg.

I am glad it pleases you: I wish you had her: I'm

Sure it troubles me, afflicts me much, and so would

Any one that loves her think: she'll talk you

Twelve hours of Predestination, Reformation,

Sanctification, Tribulation, Reprobation,

Damnation, and such a spawn of Phanatick

Words, that in plain English I think she's mad.

Blunt.

That's another good sign: if she be mad,

I shall speak sense enough to Court her; for I

Could never have the face, such is my foolish

Bashfulness, to speak to a woman in her wits.

Virg.

Then my afflictions are your solace, Sir.

Blunt.

I am of age, forsooth, to know my own inclinations.

Virg.

Nay, understand me, Sir, I am glad she

Pleases you; I thought her a lost childe, a cast-away:

But your discretion may reform her.

Blunt.

I warrant you, forsooth, if she will but conform:

For look you, I am a man of few words, forsooth; Plain

Dealing's a Jewell, that's my Motto: but if she expect

Fine finical Phrases, Meteors, and Folligismes.—

Virg.

You mean Syllogismes, and Metaphors.

Blunt.

I do profess I do, forsooth; my meaning's good; and if she'll take me by that, never a shoe-maker in Christendome can fit her better for down-right dealing.

Virg.

Peace, here she comes; let's observe her.

Enter Coelia, Matrona.

Coel.

Matrona, Fie, it is a scurrilous prophane name: thou

Shalt be new dipt, and receive the sanctified name

Of Tabitha, and I will be call'd Rachel; yea, Rachel

Shall be My appellation. —

Virg.

My Coelia, here's Mr. Blunt, your servant, to kiss

[Page 31]

Your hands: what, no answer?

Mat.

Not unless you call her Rachel: Shee's new dipt.

Virg.

Sir, go to her; may be shee'll be asham'd, before you,

To play the foole so.

Blunt.

In the mean time, I am such a shamefac'd foole, I cannot speak: in sooth my heart is no bigger then a pins head. Before I saw her, I was as couragious as Hercules; and now my heart's sunk into my belly. A Mouse when the Trap falls is not in such a taking: yet methinks I might speak as many words as Frier Bacons Head: Ma-ma-Madam.

Coel.

Oh fie! abomination! what, do I see the plumes and wings of Gog-magog? Oh the tempter in the shape of an old man, cloath'd in the vanities of youth! I do defie thee, Satan, I do defie thee; that is, I bid defiance unto thee.

Blunt.

Lord, what a Monster she makes me!

Coel.

By yea and nay, the mark, the brand and flower

Of Antichrist are in his idolatrous looks; therefore

Will I flie, or, as we say, avoid; that is, shun the Serpent.

Exit.

Virg.

Follow her, Matrona, and work her still:

If one means faile, another straight essay:

We too, the while, will seek some Doctor out:

And now I think on't, Gambugium is

For cure of madness very eminent:

Come, let's to him; we by experience finde

'Tis hard to cure a diseased minde.

Exeunt.

[Page 32]

ACTUS Tertius.

Scoena Prima.

Enter Gambugium shav'd and powdred, in equipage of a young Gallant; Glisterpipe at a corner of the Stage.

Gam.

ALthough my Wives new strict behaviour please

Me very well, my thoughts are not at rest:

Though I have reason to be confident,

Yet not to trust, is not to be deceiv'd:

No proofs more certain then what's ocular.

My Man may be corrupt, and negligent;

My Wife prove cunning; many women are

But well dissemblers of their wantonness.

Now in this Garb I shall discover all;

For I am far from knowledge: if I finde

Her honest, resisting the severall temptations

I have brought, as Gold, Jewells,

Sweet-meats, and sweet and richer promises;

Suspition never more enters my breast:

But should I finde her other, my just revenge

Upon her blood should satisfie her crime.

The thought disturbs me; I must think a while.

Glist.

So, there's a Gallant, and he makes this way; perhaps

He wants a little Sassafras, or China-root; he crinkles

In the hams, as if the French-man had unknit his joynts,

Or calcinated all his bones in the flames of Venery.

Gamb.

Sirrah, is your Mistriss within?

Glist.

What if she be, Sir?

Gamb.

VVhy my cautious knave that keeps the door, informe [Page 33]her that a Gentleman, one Mr. Winal, craves the honour to kiss her hands, and vow himself her servant.

Glis.

Sir, I shall do your errand presently; but I have a small Item or two to write here.

Gam.

The Knave's exceeding punctual: a faithful servant and a vertuous wife are treasures. I pray dispatch, Sir.

Glis.

I go immediately.—So, y'are down; but, my spruce Baboon, you are too like my Master to please my Mistress.

Exit.

Gam.

If I can quit my phrases now of art,

And larding my discourse with Latine, I

Am made: for out of a most exquisite

Romance, I have stole language; if I can

But sort it to my purpose, that will do

The feat: see, they come before I'm perfect

In my complement.

Enter Clittomestra, Acuta.

Clit.

Looks he so like a Jackanapes new shav'd?

Glis.

As ere you saw, Madam; see where he stands, a glittering outside, a composition of youth and age beat by time in a Morter together; or rather he is times Hermaphrodite: for look you, one eye is gray, the other black, male and female; one cheek like unto Luna, white; the other yellow, Phoebus bright: one leg sull stuft, the other thin, as if they neither were a kin.

Acut.

Y'are very full of your wit, and Poetry: but prethee keep it, till I have leasure to hear it.

Glist.

Well, I'll down with you in my black book for this.

Acut.

Now summon all your wits: this is some trick. I see thorow the disguise.

Clit.

Do you think we'll bite at all baits, Daughter?

Acut.

Avoid this mainly; do you observe the wart upon his eye-brow?

Clit.

It cannot be your Father; and yet there's some resemblance.

Acut.

Peace, he turnes, and advances towards us, as gingerly as a piece of Clock-work new wound up; the wheels of the motion want oyling.

Gamb.

Fairest of Ladies, grace the lips of a stranger with the odoriferous balsom of a kiss.

[Page 34]

Glist.

An excellent Apothecaries complement! I'll prick that down.

Acut.

Have you any more to say, Sir?

Clitt.

Let it alone; an hour hence the Brazen-head will utter another sentence.

Acut.

Peace, Mother, the mouth opens.

Gam.

How they abuse me! but these abuses are

My solace. Ladies, I take your silence for

A consent, and make use of the sweet

Unguent of your lips.

Clit.

Take that for your bold rudeness: next

Strikes him.

Time you visit Ladies, learn your distance,

Or go into the suburbs; there's carrion for

Such crowes.

Gam.

Oh my teeth! yet had I rather have

The dolour there, then on my brow. This

Young beauty, I hope, will prove more

Mercifull.

Acut.

Time's past, Sir — had you made to me your

First addresses, you might perhaps have gain'd

The favour of my hand, and that had been

An honour.

Gam.

Excellent chaste both: but words are ayre.

I'll trie whether their virtue be gold-proofe:

Madam, I know lovers must receive many

Repulses when they lay siege, especially to so

Fortifi'd a Castle.

Acut.

Have a care of the next battery: for if the

Cannons of our tongues begin to play, we shall

So shatter your decay'd forces!

Gam.

Peace, good nimble wit: Pox, she hath put

Me out of my very undermining speech.

But gold is the best Orator. — Lady, all this,

And more, is at your service.

Clit.

Oh Sir, you are troubled with a pleurisie of

Gold: I wish my Husband here, to let you

Blood for't.

[Page 35]

Gam.

You understand me not; I'll be Plainer: I love

You, Lady; and so love you, I'd willingly part

With my whole estate for to enjoy you but

One night: Is it not pitty that jealous fool

Gambuginm, who hath no sence of the

Happiness he enjoys, nor in himself the least

Worth to deserve you, should slubber so much

Sweetness, deprive you of your lawfull

Liberty, and rob you of the pleasures due

Unto a Marriage-bed?

Clit.

Pray stay, Sir; if I should prove so great

A foole, as to forsake an old stinking Husband

For a rotten friend, how can I be sure you

Can supply the wants you tax in him?

Acut.

Your onely way (Mother) is to have him search'd.

Gamb.

Well said, spirit, you'll deale upon sure ground.

But, Madam, I hope my presence promises more

Ability, then to permit you to question my

Performance.

Clitto.

Sir, blame me not; the experience I have had

In larger promisers, nay, persons that look

More like performers, gives me just cause of doubt.

Gam.

Happy disguise, thou wilt discover all!

Then you have traded, Madam.

Clit.

That question, as a stranger, savours of impudence,

And deserves my frown: but when I look upon

You as a Lover, I terme it Jealousie.

Gamb.

Y'are all courtefie: it is decreed: my head! my

Budding head! I am a Cuckold certain. But

I will urge her to the utmost proof. — Madam,

To give you a larger evidence of my affection,

I am content to be search't, though my modesty

Would desire one of my sex might have this office.

Clit.

Most willingly. Daughter, call Glisterpipe.

Gam.

Oh torment! there is no room for doubt: a whore for certain.

Clit.

Do you pause upon't?

[Page 36]

Gam.

My love allowes me not so much reason: let

Your request be what it may, if within

My power, and 'tis granted.

Clit.

How shall I love that man, that dares make

Good his promise!

Gam.

Dare! what Hercules e're durst, conceive of me.

Acut.

Madam, Glisterpipe waites your pleasure.

Clit.

'Tis well: Sirrah, hark hither. — And when

You have found him a man at all points,

With this knife cut off his virulent faculties.

Gam.

How! how! make me an Eunuch?

Clit.

Onely no man: when I married, Sir, I vow'd to

Heaven, no man except my Husband should

Enjoy me: you see what pains I take, for you

To lie with me, without infringement of a

Former vow.

Gam.

Excellently honest! joy makes me weep; Deare

VVife, pardon me.

Clit.

VVhat, my loving Husband turn'd Gallant?

Acut.

My Father Courtier? —

Gam.

Onely to trie thee; and I have found thee

Excellent: nay, if thou'lt let none but

Guelt persons lie with thee, I'll never feare

Cuckolding. —

Clitt.

I wish that all the actions of my life

Could but convince you of my honesty.

Gam.

I am, I am, dear wife, I am, and now with

Unknown Nations I dare trust thee.

Come, weep no more, but let us in and dine,

And drown all jealous thoughts with Florence-VVine.

Scoena Secunda.

Rant. Ticket, Glisterpipe.

Rant.

NO news from the Doctors VVife?

Ticket.

Not a word, nor do I value it; 'tis a Spanish

Three pence to a Scotish two pence, I ne're more see her.

[Page 37]

Rant.

Yet when thou took'st thy leave, thou seem'st

To be in love deeply with both.

Ticket.

True, I can court my self into an affection

At pleasure; and in their absence, out of a

Complement forget it.

Rant.

Partly of my humor, as to the forgetfull

Part; for 'tis not within my memory, that

I was ever guilty of speaking what I meant to

A woman.

Ticket.

In that I am contrary: for whil'st I court

An exquisite beauty, I am so transported, and

Heightened in my fancy, that for that moment

I intend, and really, what I then utter.

Rant.

A certain humouring of your speech; as I have seen a Tragoedian really weep, in acting a feign'd story, when off the Stage he appear'd as joviall as a drunken Tinker: so thou, no Sooner parted from thy Mistress, but art as free from the least touch of love, as Eunuchs of fourescore from lust.

Tick.

Nay, love will be the death of neither, that's

Certain: for if thou hast the faculty never to

Be in love, I have the grace to forget I ever was.

Rant.

They are good properties, let's preserve them: thou art I hope convinc'd, tho', that there be some handsom Ladies.

Tick.

Demonstration is a clear proofe, Sir: but hang them,

They're so flegmatick, they will not do. Ah, in

Fiorenza la bella, Roma la santa, a Lady of their

Beauty would have press'd halfe a dozen courtesies

Upon a man, whil'st we are saying Grace.

Rant.

Or rather, permitted a man to have press'd as many, upon them: but do'st take Ladies for Oysters, to fall upon them without ceremony? ha!

Tick.

In Italy we have not time. Upon my conscience,

Tedious hollow-hearted courtship, and long

Hypocriticall Graces, came up together.

Rant.

Faith like enough: but when came your Italian locks?

Tick.

Fie, a meer abuse; they have none but natures

[Page 38]

Padlocks.

Believe it, Gunpowder new dried is not more

Dispos'd to take fire, then a Venetian Dame to

Cuckold her Husband.

Rant.

London hath as well-dispos'd free-hearted girles, that love the sport, and will pay as much for their Husbands dubbing, as a Knighthood would cost at Court.

Tick.

This heightens me: but come they to it readily?

Rant.

How dost mean?

Tick.

VVithout much circumstance, as thus: Lady, I love you; Sir, you honor me: Madam, I'd lie with you,; Y'are of yeares of discretion, pray use your pleasure.

Rant.

Not altogether, till y'are well acquainted.

Ticket.

That's somewhat yet: there's relish in it: but faith what other beauties art acquainted with? I have been a stranger to this Climate long; 'tis friendly to impart.

Rant.

You finde me no niggard of my delicacies; there is another beauty within my knowledge, no wayes inferiour to those you have seen.

Tick.

Let's thither streight.

Rant.

Your patience, pray hear me out: she is so

Chargeable, I dare not look on her past once

A quarter, and that at the large

Expence of a twenty pound banquet; kiss

Her every six months, the price whereof is fifty

Pounds: marry when I shall be rich enough

To purchase her Maidenhead, unless twenty

Of us go sharers,

Is a question as irresolvable as the coming

Of dooms-day.

Ticket.

What an Atheist wert thou to conceal this from thy friend; the very miracle of the Land; the onely thing, if true, worth observation? in all my travels,

Though I have seen hundreds of women, heard of more,

Yet could I never finde so politick a VVhore.

[Page 39]

Enter Glisterpipe with a Letter.

Rant.

That word will excommunicate you.

Tick.

You shall instruct me by the way — see, yonder's

The fellow we could not wake: sure he dreames yet.

Glist.

Out of one office, and into another: but this

Is my little Mistresses office, who I love superlatively

Well, and she comparatively loves me: But mum,

Here's the Gentleman; I will performe her commands,

And merit her — Sir, though I am no common

Porter, yet for my Mistriss sake, I am become

The particular bearer of her favours.

Ticket.

To me, Sir?

Glist.

The Letter to you, Sir, her favour's to my self.

Ticket.

Present my service; say I most humbly kiss her hands, and that suddenly I'll return her an answer.

Glist.

Rest you merry, Gentlemen.

Exit.

Ran.

Pox, what makes thee frown so?

Tick.

Madness, to be deceiv'd: the Devill's not

So great an hypocrite as women are:

I thought I had her sure, sure as this glove

Upon my hand; she promis'd to appoint

The time, and place; but see, the Divell of

Her courtesie was grounded on the hopes

Of my affection unto her Daughter;

To the obtaining of whose dearest love,

She promises assistance, that she'll use

Her Motherly influence and authority:

Bids me withall, not flatter my belief

That she intended any thing of love

As to her self, but onely to instruct

Me in the good opinion she held of me

For a Son-in-law. —

Rant.

Is that all?

Tick.

No, here she puts in Postscript, that I may

Continue to the fore-mentioned intent.

[Page 40]

My addresses to her, with this proviso,

That I her answer should receive, as from

Her Daughter, as she would my discourse

Directed to her.

Rant.

Why these riddles are harder to be interpreted then an Oracle: but why should it trouble thee, who car'st not for her?

Tick.

Pox, who hates a handsome woman? I love the sport, though as to the person it is indifferent.

Rant.

If so, 'tis but making digression from the Mother to the Daughter: for the sport sake we'll not loose the acquaintance.

Tick.

I intend nothing less: but why court her for her Daughter, I understand not.

Rant.

Possibly she doubts her Daughters peevishness may spoile her fortune; or they may be agreed between themselves.

Tick.

I'll not dispute, but follow her directions; she may have a further designe in it, for my good.

Rant.

Faith like enough: some women by their tricks,

Merit the Title of Loves Politicks.

Exeunt.

Scoena Tertia.

Philostratus habited like a Precisian.

Phil.

JOve mist of this, amongst the various shapes

He did assume, to court his Mistrisses:

Though it be not amorous, I hope 'twill prove

As fortunate to my designs, as I obedient

To my loves command;

Which work't on me this metamorphosis:

No love's so true, but needeth some deceit;

For love is ne're without hypocrisie,

Or in it self, or in the means by which

We bring 't about to it's prefixed end.

[Page 41]

But till this present, I am confident,

A garment so deceitfull, could not shroud

Under its covering so true a heart.

Enter Coelia Matrona.

See where my love appears, just like dayes star

New broken from the East; nor can that hell-

Contriv'd disgrace so great a beauty hide.

Sister Rachel, you shew your pure zeale;

Verily you are praise-worthy, in thirsting

And hungering as it were after the edifying

Instructions of the elder.

Coel.

It doth behove me verily, to regaine the time that I have lost in youthfull vanity.

Phil.

Your resolution is religious, and of the spirit;

But you are also worthy of reproofe, nay verily

Of condemnation, for thus accompanying your

Self with lewdness, and antiquity.

Coel.

Brother, your reproofes are seasonable, and I do receive them with the spirit of humbleness and meekness: but who can avoid the temptations, and lewd deceits of the Tempter?

Phil.

You ought to flie them, verily you ought, and

Take down the rankness of thy flesh by

Discipline, thus.

He beats Matrona.

Matr.

Oh pray Sir: oh my bones!

Phil.

Avoid me then; that is, shun me: for thou art the very spirit of beastliness, and beame of iniquity, that keepeth the light of the spirit from me.

Matr.

Oh, oh! I'm gone: oh, I vanish.

Exit.

Phil.

View not this outward ornament of shame;

But look into my heart, that's not disguis'd;

There shall my Coelia see the seale of love

So deeply imprinted on my very soule,

That time nor absence, the two moths of love,

Can ne're disfigure, much less eat it out.

Coel.

How you renew my joyes, by confirming

What was sufficiently confirmed before,

Your constancy of love, which I can never

[Page 42]

Doubt and live! for in thy love consisteth

All my life.

Phil.

And in thy life, consisteth all my love:

For without thee, love and life are burdens.

'Tis possible I shall die, and thousand

Accidents may cross our love; but that

I shall leave loving thee, so impossible,

I should not credit it from your lips,

Which I believe the Oracles of truth.

Coel.

Enough, I do believe thee: 'tis easie

To perswade me to a faith that I

Would die in. —

Phil.

Faire soul, it is a true one:

I'll breath't upon your lips, and thence receive

The happy seale of Confirmation.

kiss.

Coel.

Then I must seale to you the counterpart,

And register them both within my heart.

Phil.

What Paradise of pleasures do I taste!

I feele my soul evaporate at my lips;

My heart exalted in the spheare of love,

Shuns any meaner object then thy eyes,

Those two celestiall lamps, beyond the which

There is no other light, nor Paradise

Beyond thy face.

Coel.

How fancy doth delude

The sense! The heaven's neither in thy face

Nor mine, though they appeare the sensuall

Objects of our love; But in our soules there's

Strict conjunction (dearest Philostratus)

The unity of hearts; there's the heaven,

The abstract of all joy, our Paradise.

Phil.

I know not where it is, nor have I time

To spend i'the search; surely it were needless,

When every part about you is divine.

If I but taste thy lips, I thence do drink

Nectar more choice then Ganimede ere fill'd:

If I but touch thy hand, thereon doth dwell

[Page 43]

A softness so divine, the finest downe

Of Swans is harsh and foule to: If I gaze

Upon those heavenly eyes, I am worse dazled

With the resplendent brightness of their light

Then bastard Eagles gazing 'gainst the Sun.—

What e're I see, touch, taste, or smell, is all

A divine lasting Monument of bliss.

Coel.

And all, unworthy of my Philostratus.

Phil.

Oh, I could dwell upon those words for ever!

Those sweet harmonious accents have power

To rob me of my very essence; yet

In your love leave me an ample being.

My joyes are now at full.—

Coel.

And therefore must decrease; for we must part.

Phil.

Part, my deare Coelia! death never had

So harsh a sound; nor ever made so great

A separation.

Coel.

Be not so passionate, but be rul'd by me,

And I'll invent a way we oft may meet.

Phil.

You speak all happiness.

Coel.

Tomorrow at St. Antlins I shall expect

To see you: now, farewell. Nay, no reply.

Phil.

I do obey, though with a heavy heart.

Adieu, my dearest life.

Coel.

And I, like Dido from her Turrets top,

View his departure:

So vanished Aeneas from her sight;

The windes blew him, and all her moanes away;

The storme of fortune would not let mine stay.

Exit.

Scoena Quarta.

Enter Virginio, Blunt, Gambugium meeting them.

Virg.

SAve you, Signior Gambugium.

Gam.

Good day, Sir; excuse me, I am in haste.

Virg.

I can admit of no excuses: excuse me no excusing; [Page 44]my Daughter is mad, and lunatick, my onely Daughter.

Blunt.

And my onely Mistress, forsooth, Sir,

Gam.

If she be, if she be, gentlemen, I cannot

Helpe it; they are not the onely mad women

In the City, be that your comfort.

Virg.

I assure you it is no comfort, nor I receive no comfort in it, nor no comfort in your words, do you see?

Gam.

Why, good neighbour, what makes you so hot?

Virg.

Have I not reason, Sir, to have a Daughter

Whimsied with scruples and Fanatick frenzies,

And after I have lost my breath and leggs

In seeking you out, Master Doctor, to be put off with

A flim-flam? truely I take it extreamely ill.

Blunt.

And how do you think, forsooth, I can take it well, when my Mistress is so ill?

Gam.

Your Daughter mad, Mr. Justice, this Gentlemans Mistriss, and my patient at Court dying; three places at a time? hurry here, and hurry there: can I performe all at once? have I more then one pair of leggs? answer me that, answer me that.

Virg.

Good Mr. Doctor, his Mistriss and my Daughter are but one person: me thinks Neighbourhood should be preferred, besides my place of authority: my poor Coelia is lost, mad, undone; think upon that, good Mr. Doctor, and dispence with your Court-business: it may lie in my way to serve you.

Blunt.

Indeed-law forsooth, Domine Doctor, I

May do you a good turne likewise. Father

Forsooth that must be, a double fee will bring it.

Virg.

You say right, Mr. Blunt, mony will bring any man: here Sir, a fee in hand, another when you see my Daughter, and halfe my estate to cure her.

Gam.

These are good Aurators: but it is your friendship

I value; you have won upon me.

Enter a Messenger running.

Mess.

Mr. Doctor, Mr. Doctor, what do you meane? my [Page 45]Lord's a dying unless you come immediately: you were sent for two houres ago.

Gam.

Have patience, I'll but look upon Mr. Justice his Daughter, and go with you.

Enter a second Messenger running.

2 Mess.

Why Jeremy, you rogue, no further yet? my Lord's a departing, and my Ladies distracted, and she swears that she would not for a thousand pound but my Lord should go out of the world skilfully, and die under a Doctor.

1 Mess.

But the Doctor won't come till he hath viewed a Patient hard by: there he stands; if you will perswade him, you may.

2 Mess.

'S death, stand disputing in a desperate occasion? lend's a hand.

Gam.

Help, help! murder, rape, murder!

2 Mess.

No, it is you would murder by delaies.

Virg.

Gentlemen, why Gentlemen! I command you in the Kings name, what do you meane, a riot?

Carry him off the Stage.

Blunt.

They meane, it should seeme forsooth, to carry him bodily away.

Virg.

Ha, carry him? hath grief made me so tame a foole as to let Rogues run away with him?

Blunt.

I-feaking, forsooth, they were cowards by his running.

Virg.

I must home, and see how affairs go: perswasions in the end may work upon her; In the meane time, good Sir, informe your selfe of some skilfull Artist that is acquainted with these Lunacies.

Blunt.

If London afford one, forsooth, nor penny nor pains will I spare. I am down-right honest, and Blunt to an inch.

Virg.

I trust to you; pray let us see you often.

Blunt.

I shall make bold to trouble you, forsooth, as they say.

Virg.

You know you are welcome, Sir; be vigilant and [Page 46]carefull, if you love her, it concernes you.

Blunt.

Fear not, forsooth: Sir, I will be as watchfull as an Owle by Moone-light.

Scoena Quinta.

Clittomestra, Acuta.

Clit.

I Wonder I have no answer; art sure my letter was delivered?

Acut.

Am I sure I live?

Clit.

Then me thinks an answer.

Acut.

So I think too, and should my self expect it

From any man that doth pretend to love:

But he's a meere Court-butterfly, that buzzes

And flies about each warme beame of beauty

He encounters.

Clit.

He courted me with such a vehemencie of ardor, as if his heart were loves furnace.

Acut.

The like he did to me, to the same height

As if he had been to Court an Empress:

But 'tis a custom now, a common one,

For every gallant to be thus in love;

To court each female they encounter with,

Pretending love to all, truely to none:

A kinde of breeding, mother, newly landed,

To exercise mens wits, and trie womens

Credulity.—

Clit.

But can'st thou think it possible (Acuta)

That Ticket should dissemble? I have known

Many, whose words held no Intelligence

With their heart, but never any yet

Could change their countenance unto their speech;

Expressing such an ardor in his eyes,

As if they were loves torches; and such a

Sensibility of feeling in his words,

[Page 47]

As if his heart were pierc'd, or rather chang'd

With love into one substance.

Acut.

Pish, this is nothing, Mother; for there are

Far greater Artists in this new-found love

Now most in fashion and most A la mode:

Ticket's but yet a Novice.

Clit.

It is so incredible, I can't believe't;

I thought my self a Mistress in this art,

But were this true, we must no more compare

With men for dissimulation —

Acut.

It were too great a madness: for they are

As far, in that, beyond us, as in strength:

By them, 'tis thought a virtue to deceive,

Especially our Sex; they glory in't,

As in plurality of Mistresses,

A score, or so, from which, to ease their lust,

They this day select one, next another,

So for halfe a dozen; the rest are fed

With airy complements, and such flie-blown

Oaths and protestations as have been

Thrice pawn'd for six-pence, and twice forfeited.

Oh Mother, did you know but mans deceit,

You would not wonder why the Antients

Pictur'd Faith and Truth like women.

Clit.

That's the least: but how you should reach

These mysteries, exacts my admiration;

One that I still bred underneath my wing,

That hardly e're convers'd with Gentleman

Beyond Glisterpipe, or the Deputy

Of the Ward, at a Hall-feast.

Acut.

Alass, good Mother, you do many things

My Father little dreames of; are not you

As liable to be deceiv'd by me?

You know not how learn'd your Acuta's grown,

Deep read in the hearts of men.

Clit.

I'll be thy Disciple; come, read me a lesson.

Acut.

I will; hear then, and edifie, Mother.

[Page 48]

There be five sorts of lovers; onely two

That can be trusted; the rest listn'd to,

But not believ'd: first, the inconstant lover;

He for a time doth love intirely,

Untill a fairer object he doth meet

More pleasing to his eye: this man we stile

A lover upon sight; for unto each

New face, he sacrifices his false heart.

Next, your vaine-glorious boasting lover;

He is dangerous: for when he cannot

Lie with your person, he'll be sure to do it

With your reputation, and

Multiply the smallest atomes of your

Favours to mountains, by the glass of his

Discourse. The third, a Platonick lover,

One that pretends a spirituall mixtion,

To facilitate the incorporating of sense:

He's a kinde of Satan in a white robe,

That with a commandation of your soule,

Extracts the quintessence of your body.

The fourth is a simple jealous lover;

Him you may work unto what forme you please:

His superfluity of love, makes him

Jealous; and his simplicity will not

Let him know of whom: He's constant, and

As obedient as you'd wish a man;

Created for such women as would weare

The breeches. The fifth's the constant lover;

But of them there are so few, and fewer

That can character them unto their worth,

That I may well spare mine.

Clit.

But Daughter, where's your lover A la mode?

Acut.

He's not a perfect species, a mothy mungrell kinde, compos'd of the inconstant and Platonick; I treated of him before.

Clit.

Thou did'st, and learnedly; prethee who's thy instructress?

[Page 49]

Acut.

A Lady here hand by, that hath the art

To deale with all these severall kindes of lovers

In their own humour.

Clit.

I long for her acquaintance: let's thither.

Acut.

You wo'n't repent the voyage.

Clit.

I'll but fetch my hoods.

Exit.

Acut.

So, I have almost put her off the sent

Of that musk'd Gallants persum'd love; could I

But keep them at a distance now, or my

Self near them when they shall discourse;

It will confirm my Mother woo's for me,

And hinder Ticket from discovery.

Exit.

ACTUS Quartus.

Scoena Prima.

Rant, Ticket, Austutia meeting them.

Rant.

THis is the house, deare Ticket; and see where comes it's ornament and choicest furniture.

Ticket.

A heavenly compos'd beauty: Prethee present me to her.

Rant.

All in good time; she moves towards us. Lady, presuming upon the greatness of your mercy, I take the boldness to present this friend of mine to your acquaintance, a Gentleman and Traveller.

Ast.

Two good qualities: but I want ne're a Groome,

Though you want much civility, to intrude into

My house upon so small acquaintance.

Tick.

We have us'd too much respect, and I believe

More ceremony, then your common trade

Hath been acquainted with: for otherwise

[Page 50]

You'd better understand how to returne

Civilities.

Ast.

Y'are a pretty Gentleman, your friend sayes,

And a Traveller; you had done well to have

Brought home more manners, and less impudence.

Rant.

Madam, we came to love, honour, and serve you.

Tick.

Prethee forbear; fawn not upon her, like

A Spaniel newly beaten: learn of me,

I'll shew thee straight the way to handle such

Peevish dissimulation, that beares

A fine appearing gloss of sanctity;

But fret and trie it thus, it falls to pieces.

Ast.

Keep off, rude Companion.

Tick.

So, this small parcell of hypocrisie

Whilest you stand at distance, shaking and

Quivering like an Anabaptist dipt

In January, appears chaste and virtuous:

But tumble her and touze her thus!

Ast.

Out, shameless impudence!

Tick.

You'll quickly finde the brittle stuffe she's made

on.

Ast.

Sir, If you won't be civill, I shall call those shall make you so: do you take this for a common receptacle?

Tick.

The commonest thing in London, except

The Owner. Come, faith, be not so nice; to me

'Tis needless; I am ver'st in the world, know

What belongs to it: no young heire, Lady,

To be caught with the baite of seeming modesty

In the nooze of wedlock; to me you may

Appeare a woman without danger. Come,

Keep your niceness for some home-bred Gallant,

Deny him the favour of your hand, whil'st

Knowing men thus reape the Nectar of

Your lips, and crop the harvest of your choicest

Pleasures.

Rant.

See, in foure minutes he's arriv'd at more

Then foure years could purchase me; he ha's the

[Page 51]

Trick on't; for when she frown'd, as if the anger

Of all her sex were contracted in her browes,

He charg'd her boldly, and upon the first

Assault he won her to more favour, then

All my large expence of time and treasure could

Purchase me. I never was so mov'd before:

Oh my heart! I thought thou had'st been of a

Tougher mould: love ne'r could work upon

Thee, and shall jealousie make thee her triumph?

No, heart, thou shalt break first. But I'll withdraw:

Halfe an houres consideration is to me so catholical

An antidote against the poison of love, as the

Whole Colledge can't prescribe a better.

Exit.

Tick.

Madam, You ever oblige me yours; and now

I know the reason of your strict behaviour, do

Approve it, nor shall you ever finde me negligent,

In what may least concern your present service,

Or future fortunes. —

Ast.

Your promises are noble, like your self;

And they no sooner shall be put in act,

Then I be ready to serve you, in such

Manner, as modesty will not allow

Me dress in words. —

Tick.

Madam, I'll take your meaning for your words:

Both are so plain, I cannot miss the sense:

Nor you a Husband long, if I have wit,

Or the least art to compass your designes.

Ast.

I dare not question either, yet it will

Require much of both, e're we can bring

Him to a sense of love, much more to think

Of that same Gobbling (as he termeth it)

Matrimony. —

Tick.

Leave that to me, though I think Monsieur Rant

A beaten souldier in the war of love:

One, that hath as little faith in women,

As in Atheists; a deep-read scholar in

[Page 52]

The deceits and subtilties of the sex:

Yet all these considerations can't

Make me doubt or fear the enterprize;

Which cannot in difficulty equall

My desire to serve you, or will to oblige you.

But I waste time in words, whil'st I should put

In actions my designs: let's first contrive

How we may bring our stratagem about:

He must be taken in the humour, Lady,

That I know; and his are commonly so

Short lived, they'll hardly last

The Ceremony out.

Ast.

Then it must be his drunken humor; that will

Last till he be sober.

Tick.

Well remembred: for his loving humour alwayes

Attends it; and two humours being of the plurall

Number, will easier admit of the plurality of yours.

But how shall we bring him to this rare pass?

For he's very temperate.

Ast.

Bring him you hither, then let me alone; we'll

Drink healths to all the obliging Ladies in Town.

I have good brains; his breeding will oblige him to

Pledge me. I must still help you out.

Tick.

Most have need of helping in, Lady; but let that

Pass: expect within this half hour your Gallant,

And then with your assistance, (for without you

I am nothing) I do not doubt to get you a

Covering for your veniall trespasses.

Ast.

However, you'll oblige me; I judge not services by

The event. The news?

Enter a Servant.

Ser.

Mistriss Acuta with another Lady are come to waite upon you. —

Ast.

I attend them presently.

Tick.

'Tis time I were about your enterprize: your servant, Madam.

[Page 53]

Ast.

Your servant, Monsieur Ticket. — Oh these men,

How many wayes they strive to compass their

Base wills! sometimes they flatter us: with those

I can deale pretty well: for I believe

As seldome what they say, as they do speak

The true and sincere meaning of their heart:

Others do seek with Jewells, and rich gifts,

For to corrupt our chastity; and buy

With dross a Jewell beyond price; yet these

My poverty would seek, did not virtue

Supply my meane defect: yet I am forc'd

To play the hypocrite, tho' the wrong way;

Appearing far less virtuous then I am,

Remaining virtuous amidst incontinence.

For such a price I set upon the thing

Most men do aime at, as hath frighted hence

All vulgar chapmen; others with scornes and niceness

I have daunted so, they dare not urge

A word of love beyond Matrimony.

Thus becoming Mistriss of their hearts, their purse

Is still at my command; yet this contents

Not me; though I be honest, I am thought

A whore: besides, they may grow insolent,

Witness my own brother, though his travell

Hath blotted from his memory my face,

His naturall wildeness can admit no change;

For had I not compli'd with his loose thoughts,

The loosest strangers had seem'd Saints to him:

But I'll finde time to let him know his fault,

Which with much willingness I could forgive,

If he effect my wish in Rants chaste love.

I would be gladly Married, 'tis most true,

She's hard put to't, that doth begin to woo.

Exit.

[Page 54]

Scoena Secunda.

Coelia, Matrona, Philostratus.

Matr.

SWeet Mistriss, do not prosecute the phrensies.

Coel.

Why do'st disturb the spirit, wicked tempter? but tribulations must be borne with patience and meekness.

Matr.

I had rather beare a handsome young man, as old as I am; there's the best tribulation in Christendome.

Coel.

Do'st think we are not stray'd in the way that leads to the Meeting-House?

Matr.

What, to S. Antlins?

Coel.

Antlin, thou reprobate! the word Saint is superstitious, and idolatrous; verily I do abominate thy company,

for thou art possest with the spirit of prophaneness, yea, the very spirit of superstition.

Matr.

Poore woman! how she's altered, rather besotted to this Lunacy! could I but take her a little off the spirit, and

give her a smack of the flesh, there were some hopes. See how she turnes up the eggs of her eyes, like the figure of

Abram in Sand's show!

Enter Philostratus.

Phil.

Save you, Sister; I profess I am glad, and rejoyce in sincerity, that the spirit hath mov'd you thus early to the

convention of the godly.

Matr.

Mercy on me! he come? now am I more timorous and fearefull then a Hare that the Hounds had newly caught by the

buttocks.

Phil.

But Sister, oh that I should see this, that I should see you accompanied with the wicked thus! oh! that I should see

you accompanied with the reprobate, with the very Publican: by yea and nay it is not well.

Matr.

How I tremble! he looks as if his zeale would transpierce [Page 55]me: there's never a truer Quaker in Wapping, then I at this present.

Coel.

Verily, brother, the Serpent will pursue me in the shape of vanity, tho' I look upon her with the eyes of

Reformation.

Phil.

My zeale doth foame, yea and boile against her: I do abominate antiquity, she looks like the very clay of the beast;

I profess, like a very tradition.

Mat.

Now am I in a worse taking, then a Baily in an Inns of Court.

Coel.

Good brother, pacifie thy selfe.

Phil.

My zeal's too strong; yea, I am transported with indignation against that Monastickhood; and thus do I tread the I

doll under my feet.

Matr.

Oh! good Sir, my hood, my hood!

Phil.

Dost thou speak in defence of abomination? assist me zeale to chastise her vanity.

He beats Her off.

Coel.

Never were Lovers put to such hard shifts

To gaine a moment for entertainment

Of their lawfull loves.

Phil.

Never, my Coelia: but yet the pleasure

I enjoy by looking on that face,

The harmonious Musick of thy voice, joyn'd

With the melody of agreeing hearts,

So far exceed in bliss the paine sustain'd,

That like a Mother having born a son,

I straight forget, when I enjoy thee (sweet)

Th' anguish and affliction of thy absence.

Coel.

And I, in absence nourish still a hope

Of seeing thee, and present feare to loose thee.

My love's so strictly wedded to my grief,

They know no separation: if that

At any time they relish joy, hope is

The parent to that happy childe, which I

Can never foster in my breast, till it become

Your Pillow.

Phil.

Oh that happy day (Coelia) that day

[Page 56]

Of happiness, when will it come? is fate

So rigid to deny the knowledge? or Gods

Become so merciless, to divide two hearts

So much united? or is it their feare

Love should become on earth such an example

As heaven could not parallell?

Coel.

Deare Sir, reclaime your passions; our time

Is short, not to be lost in complement.

Phil.

Can time be lost, that is so well employ'd?

And in thy sweet society is mine.

Coel.

Nor do I think it so; I could dwell here

An age to heare thee speak: but fate denies

That happiness as yet; therefore 'twere fit

Love found out some invention, by which

We might more frequently enjoy each others

Company, till time compleate our happiness.

Phil.

Your admonition's timely: I was lost

In faire affection's maze; so transported

With my present happiness, that I thought

It might be lasting to eternity. —

But waken'd from this dreame, I do perceive

The houre-glass of my happiness run out:

And how this base disguise can recruit it,

To me appears a riddle.

Coel.

'Tis thus far usefull; for it disguises

Both our loves, and keeps my father from

Wedding me to Blunt, a man I hate, more

Then the worst disease the worst of women

Ever merited.

Phil.

But we might choose some other: what thinks my love of seigning her self sick, and having me sent for as your

Physitian?

Coel.

The cure would be too sudden, and my joy discover all.

Phil.

With ease you might dissemble both. —

Coel.

'Twere easier far, to force a feigned joy,

Then stifle such a reall one: howe're,

[Page 57]

I'll trie my utmost art.

Phil.

Do so, my Coelia, for I Prophetize,

That this device may meet with good success.

Coel.

Heavens grant it: you know I need not

Feigne my self sick, distempered, ill at ease;

Thy absence still to me is a disease.

Phil.

Which with my presence I'll oft mitigate,

And from thy lips drink a preserving Balme,

That in thy absence like an Antidote,

Shall keep me from th' infection of despaire.

Coel.

I think my love's already a Physitian;

For he is perfect in their Dialect.

With earnest longings, I'll expect to heare

The issue of your project: don't abuse

My expectation with too long delayes.

Phil.

Life of my soule! assure your self I will not.

Coel.

Y'ave play'd too long the Truant, 'tis time

You were about it. —

Phil.

I cannot leave you to go home alone:

Nor dare I wait upon you: part of the way

I will accompany you, untill we meet

Matrona; and then —

Coel.

Then we must part; I understand thy look:

Sighs are sentences in loves Table-book.

Exeunt.

Scoena Tertia.

Matrona, Coelia, Philostratus.

Matr.

WHat, are they gone, or retir'd onely

Into a Coupling house! These Familists

Are the hypocritical'st Letchers in

A Kingdom; their motives of the spirit

Alwayes end in the flesh. Perhaps he hath

Taken her in to catechize; but should

His zealous doctrine begin with an increase

[Page 58]

And multiply, twenty to one but he'll

See the fruit on't within nine moneths, or so.

Well, if these precize meeting-houses be

Not the staples of Letchery, and the

Heralds office of Cuckoldry; there is not

A grain of lust in the composition

Of a woman of my years. 'Tis so; I begin

To smell a notorious Letcher under

That lenten cause: I would not be a Bawde

Without my fee. Well, Monsieur Purity,

If thou dost infuse unwholesome doctrine

In thy new Proselyte, and make her swell,

Thou art the most hypocriticall Villain,

That ever made Religion a Cloake

For lust and treason: But here they come.

Enter Philostratus and Coelia.

Coel.

Yonder's my Governess.

Phil.

I take my leave, tho' with as sad a heart

As vanquisht Kings part with their ravish't Scepter:

Yet mid'st our griefs, this feeble hope remains;

Joyes are still sweetest, after greatest pains:

And every one this maxime will approve,

That expectation is the food of love.

Coel.

Oh! but fruition is affections life;

A Maid's ne'r happy till she be a Wife.

Phil.

And Man's imperfect till he leads a Bride,

A halfe-fac'd Medall stamp't but on one side.

Why should we then through feare, defer this Match,

VVhich would to both such happiness afford,

Render us perfect in each others love,

Or rather with perfection crowne our loves?

Let's to the Temple: why should our body part,

VVhen mutuall vowes have married our heart?

Coel.

Oh Philostratus, yield not so much to passion,

Lest you give me occasion to believe you

[Page 59]

An enemy to virtue and obedience.

Phil.

I have done: but since love was cause of my offence, I can't despaire of pardon.

Coel.

I can afford you nothing with more willingness,

Except my self; which if you'd soon obtaine, straight

Put in act what lately we design'd.

Phil.

Y'ave put new heat into me, I flie to the performance.

Farewell, and pray for the success.

Coel.

My prayers are never wanting. — Come, Tabitha.

Exit.

Matr.

Now to my discovery: good godly Sir, receive the prayers of one, that hath wandred long in the path of ignorance.

Phil.

Good woman, your Mistriss is gone.

Matr.

And would be willingly instructed in the right way.

Phil.

Pox, what shall I do with her? I have no time to loose in catechizing.

Matr.

Oh listen to my Reformation, the humble desire I have to be instructed.

Phil.

I have it — VVoman, before I can receive thee into the society of the godly, thou must make a publick

recantation of all thy errors, and set three Congregationall Meetings upon the stoole of repentance.

Matr.

And please your worship.

Phil.

Make not an Idoll of me; no creature may be worshipt: but follow me, and see you prove no hypocrite.

Exit.

Matr.

I care not what I prove, so I discover

The secret subject of your close discourse,

VVhich I suspect already; but I'll after:

If it succeed, I shall grow fat with laughter.

Exit.

Scoena Quarta.

Rant, Ticket meeting.

Rant.

MOnsieur Ticket.

Tick.

Your servant, Sir; you did bravely to give

Your friend the slip, when you had ingag'd him

[Page 60]

In so perilous an adventure.

Rant.

I faith I left you not, untill the Fort

VVas yielded, and you in full possession;

I stood but as a Cypher, vowing my own

Shame, after so many nice refusalls

And puts off, saw the Fort taken, upon

The first assault; she's a very woman,

And as such bestowes her favours.

Tick.

Y'ave spoken much in little, Sir; but I admire

You could be Master of so large a Faith,

As ever to believe her niceness more,

Then a faire vernish set upon her lust.

Rant.

I did and do believe it reall.

Tick.

And that she meerly stood upon the sum

By her excis'd upon her Maiden-head.

Rant.

That's part of my beliefe too; and how e're it was

Your fate so to reduce her, our first onset

Promised but little comfort. —

Tick.

The fairest omen in the world: give me

A nice behaviour, a rigid Damzell;

For they that do upon themselves impose

A strictness of beaviour, more then usuall,

VVould thereby seeme, what really they are not,

Honest; and by their niceness in carriage

Attract th' ignorant to their devotions —

VVhil'st to others expert, and knowing their

Hypocrisies, they appeare as prodigall

Of their favours, as Politicians are

Of their promises they meane not to performe:

And more open, then Oysters at a full tide.

Rant.

I must not yield to your opinion, Sir,

Experience plainly shews the contrary,

That women are by some hid sympathy

In nature, constrain'd to love and fancy

Some few particular persons, and shun

Others, though of far greater merit.

Tick.

Flat heresie, there are inclin'd to all,

[Page 61]

In their natures most insatiable;

And if to some they do appeare more strict,

Their Politick rules of Government constrain it;

For they're a Commonwealth among themselves,

And square their actions out by policie:

Their Maxims teach them when to appeare free,

VVhen nice, when amorous, and when wanton:

Free unto such, whom they suppose too wise,

Or too much lovers of their liberty

To enter into bondage; and nice to those

They fancy masters of simplicity

Enough to take them for their VVives, binding

Themselves firmely to believe them honest,

Whil'st they shall see no other; or if they do,

Their hornes in time may make a circular

Compass (like the Rams) about their brows, so

Serve for spectacles to rectifie their eye-sight.

Rant.

Ha, ha! this is a good raillerie.

Tic.

Thou'rt so incredulous! Pish, I can bring thee authentick proofe that all I say is Canonicall.

Rant.

It must be ocular, good Ticket; for less

Shall never alter my beliefe: Do I

Not know my self as meriting as thee,

Thy travells set aside? as full of courtship,

And no less Master of audacity?

Nor need my form, my strength, my stature, or

My breeding yield precedency to any;

Tho' I confess, you do in most of these excell:

And for my purse, it has been as open

To that woman as to my self: yet I

Could never from her yet obtain a kiss,

Not purchast at a double rate: and thou

Upon a small or no acquaintance, to

Be admitted as freely to her lips,

As to a Church, for ought I know, unto

Her bed, Pox 'tis a fate, a plaguy destinie.

Tick.

Heate not your selfe so much; I heare you, man,

[Page 62]

And cannot choose but laugh at your so fixt

Atheisticall beliefe; from which, if you

Have any grace, I'll withdraw you: therefore

Know, this woman, this nice precise woman,

Hath sollicited me with earnestness

To procure thee to be her husband.

Rant.

Thou dost but jest?

Tick.

Refuse me else: and upon this condition, I have

Her promise of a nights lodging in reversion.

Rant.

And could'st thou conceale this, to betray thy friend?

Tick.

No, I came with resolution to have told thee all, but that thy passion cast upon me another argument.

Rant.

Did she think me such an Afs?

Tick.

She did: let me intreat thy patience.

I promis'd to effect her will; at which

She seem'd transported with her joy: then streight

She laid the plot, that I should bring thee to her,

Where Wine should be prepar'd to make thee drunk;

And in that fit a Parson ready for

To Marry you: Now I have a device

To turne the plot wholly upon her selfe.

But here the Ladies come, hark in your eare.

Scoena Quinta.

Astutia, Clittomestra, Acuta, Rant, Ticket.

Ast.

I Wish the meanes of my fortunes would have afforded you an entertainment equall unto your worths: but what in that

was scant, your welcome must supply.

Clitt.

There needs no apologie, Madam, where the entertainment and entertainer both appear'd so excellent: for my part, I

pity my misfortune, in being so long ignorant of your worth, and barr'd your rich acquaintance, and therein envy my

daughters happiness.

Acut.

Good mother, let's leave complement, lest we become subjects of mirth for those eaves dripping gallants.

[Page 63]

Rant.

So, 'twill be excellent: the Ladies spie us; we'll upon 'em.

Ticket.

Your wishes upon you, Ladies.

Astu.

Then you would not be so near me.

Rant.

Not more near then welcome.

Astu.

Who told you so, good Squire?

Rant.

My self, good Madam; I need no Tutor.

Astu.

I thought so, that made you in the wrong: for he that teacheth himself, hath none of the wisest masters.

Rant.

The fool thanks you, Madam. — Lady, shall I hold fairer quarter here?

Acu.

Nay, if you shift quarters so oft, I fear you are hardly in a posture of defence, much less to vanquish.

Rant.

You mean not to assault me, Lady?

Acut.

Nor be assaulted by you: fare ye well, Sir.

Rant.

Quick and short.

Astu.

This 'tis to change: seldome comes the better.

Rant.

If the best be so bad, Love defend me from the worst.

Astu.

Come, come, as bad as we are, you could make A shift with the worst of us.

Rant.

She's pleasant and free: I like it rarely;

I'll follow the humour close:

Ticket.

If that you doubt one syllable of what

My tongue so largely hath exprest, you do

Me the most ignoble wrong that faithful

Lover ever yet sustain'd. Oh, Madam,

Wer't possible you could conceive my love,

The tortures and the pains I do sustain

For you (dear mistriss) the continual sighs,

And floods of tears that trickle from my eyes,

Like to another deluge; drowning all

My joyes at once, except the comfort of

Your name, your sacred name, which all amidst

My extasies of love, I call upon;

You could not be so cruel, so obdurate.

He weeps.

Clit.

Alass, I pitty him: can all this love be feign'd? and [Page 64]yet I fear it is, else he could not so far have slighted me, as not returne an answer to my Letter.

Acu.

Remember that, and ben't deluded.

Tick.

Can't all these teares dissolve that marble heart,

Able to melt the Adamant it selfe,

And make it pliable as wax i'th' Sun,

Apt to take any forme? oh that your heart

VVere so, so fit for loves impression!

Clit.

Pray no more; You disturb your self, and me.

Acu.

A painted fire may delight the eye,

Or flutter afar off the deceiv'd hopes

Of a cold frozen wretch; but when approach't,

Affords no heat, nor light: such is your love,

In first appearance fair, and passionate;

Your tongue seems full of heat: but Sir, your heart

Is like a frozen clod of ice, floating

Upon dissimulations sea, and fails

All such as tread upon that slippery pavement.

Tick.

Madam, Your Daughters speech doth add such Seas

Of griefe unto my soule, that now I finde

My selfe but in a bad condition

Farther to plead my love; pray think upon't;

Such love comes seldome, and ought not to be refus'd.

Clit.

VVhat were I best do?

Acu.

If that you have a minde to loose your selfe,

And more then is your selfe, your honor, confide

In that inconstant man.

Clit.

I'll never think on him.

Acu.

Study to forget him: see, he's courting Astutia.

All.

Ha, ha, ha!

Clit.

They're very merry; we'll mix company.

Tick.

VVith me, Lady?

Acu.

Yes, Sir: I understand you court me by Atturney,

And therefore out of pitty I informe you, your

Love goes many miles about, nor does't become

A Gentleman to court the parents liking first,

And so impose a violence upon a Virgins love.

[Page 65]

Tick.

Madam, I must confess my love's to you;

And yet I hope I have not far transgress'd

By courting you in the person of your

Mother; since 'tis according to her own

Directions; and I believ't, with your approbation.

Acu.

There's no such matter, Sir; for I expect

Peculiar addresses to my selfe,

From any man that hopes to make me his.

You did begin that way.

Tick.

All shall be mended, Lady.

Acu.

That at your own discretion.

Rant.

Three Ladies is too much odds. I was well match't before.

Tick.

Take courage, man; I'm come for to relieve thee.

Astu.

'Twas well you did; for he was talking here,

To match his wit; and in good truth 'twas such

A tired Jade, that none could match it.

Tick.

Then 'twas a matchless wit.

Acu.

Or rather, there was no wit to be match't.

Rant.

Good Ladies, let my wit alone, and make

Use of my body, that will match ye all.

All.

Ha, ha, he!

Ast.

If it were dipt in brimstone, it were a rare match.

Acu.

To fire all the farthing-candles in Towne.

Rant.

Or what is of less value, Woman.

Astu.

An excellent halfe-farthing jest!

Acu.

Had it been less, it had been worth just nothing.

Astu.

Not worth the wart upon his nose.

Rant.

Y'are very pleasant, Ladies, with me and my

Nose; but I have a better thing at your service.

Astu.

But is it sound, Sir?

Acu.

A question well urg'd.

Rant.

I warrant you, Virgins; and in few moneths

'Twill brace your bellies so hard, that

They shall sound too.

Astu.

Now ye speak a Language we understand not.

Rant.

Come, I'll interpret.

[Page 66]

Tick.

Madam, you anew create me: I'll neither faile the time, nor place.

Clit.

You see the power of your Courtship, Sir;

Therefore pray impute my yielding to

Your high merit, and not my levity.

Tick.

All your actions are so bountifull, they

Can admit no bad construction.

Clit.

I relie upon your nobleness, Daughter.

Acu.

I attend your pleasure.

Tiek.

Madam, my service.

Rant.

'Tis pitty such beauties should go home unaccompanied.

Clit.

We are almost there; I pray excuse us.

Rant.

Lady, shall I lead you?

Acu.

When I am blinde I'll send for you:

A Dog were worth money then.

Aside.

Ast.

Your servant, Madam.

Rant.

I'll follow, though it be but for another jeer.

Astu.

Nay Sir, I must crave your patience, for the exchanging of a word or two.

Tick.

I am your creature, Madam, you may command me.

Ast.

Do you perceive nothing in this face, that

May instruct your memory who I am?

Tick.

Trust me, no; yet your beauty would

Challenge a remembrance, though I must stile

My selfe so much infortunate, as to

Acknowledge this the second day of our

Acquaintance. —

Astu.

Nay, let us lay by complement, and now

Be serious: possibly as a stranger you may

Not deale so faithfully in my service, as

I could wish.

Tick.

Madam, I do beseech you credit me

A Gentleman, and that it is not my

Profession to practice such deceit,

Especially unto a beauty of your excellence.

Astu.

Trust me, I cannot be too cautious, Sir,

[Page 67]

In what so much concernes me as this match,

The onely hope, on which my fortunes have

Dependency: the esore I thought it good

To let you know, how well I was acquainted

With you once, and deare in your Fathers

Thoughts as you.

Tick.

You won't confound me! with me acquainted?

Sure you mistake the man: for I have been

Absent from England more then seven yeares:

Besides, my Father, to whom you do pretend

You were so deare, is now some ten yeares dead;

And then you scarce could have the use of reason.

Astu.

I must confess all your assertions truths,

Which needs must verifie what I affirm.

You had a Sister, whom you did send,

Two yeares after your father died, beyond

The Seas for breeding, to a Nunnery,

Tick.

I do remember well that fatall truth.

Madam, for charity do not renew

That losses grief. O poore Clariana!

She perisht in the voyage by a wrack,

Which mournefull tidings did so much afflict

My heart, I took no comfort in this land,

And thereupon I did resolve to travell.

Astu.

Then for to ease you of that griese, let me

Assure you, that your Sister scap'd the wrack,

Swimming upon a plank to Dovers Sands.

Tick.

Oh happy news! But know you where she is?

Astu.

Do you see this Casket?

Tick.

It was my Sisters, Madam, left her by our

Mother on her death-bed.

Ast.

Then know me for that Sister.

Tick.

As such I lovingly embrace you,

And do believ't. One confirmation more;

Let's see your arme: 'tis so, the very mold.

My dearest Sister, welcome.

Astu.

I'm glad to see you, Brother, and yet sorry

[Page 68]

To see you still so wilde, these courses in the end

Must ruine you.

Tick.

No chiding, Sister; youth will have its swindge:

My wilde Oates must be sown, then I'll appeare

As grave as a new-shav'd Senator: prethee

Tell me the circumstance of thy escape,

And how thou hast lived these seven yeares.

Astu.

Honest, and still a Maid; let that suffice:

The rest you may know hereafter. But to

Our business now, concerning Rant.

Tick.

I wish you had made this discovery sooner.

Astu.

Why, what makes you look so pale? have

You discovered my design? if so, thou hast

Eternally undone me: for without him,

However to him I have been severe,

I cannot live.

Tick.

Now must I lie, or shew my self a Rascall.

Fie, fie, wipe your eyes, be not so passionate.

As I am an honest man, I told him nothing:

But as I was a knave I told him all.

Aside.

Yet in my opinion there were no great

Loss of him, considering his wilde conditions.

Astu.

I am not ignorant of them; yet do not doubt,

My love will teach me patience to reclaim him.

Tick.

Why think him then thy own; go in, and

Get a Priest in readiness.

Astu.

I shall obey you, Sir.

Tick.

Now have I more business, then a Lawyer

In a Michaelmas Term, though much less time

To effect it; first t' oblige the Doctors wise

With the manly courtesie of a nights lodging;

The which must recompence the hopes I loose

In this that proves my Sister; then little

Acuta, she would be nibling too:

The Rogue loves me, yet willingly would have

The cloake of Matrimony cast o're her lust:

A foolish promise, or two, will satisfie.

[Page 69]

Without a Priest, her scruples. Then my last,

To make a match between my sister and

Sweet Monsieur Rant, will prove my master piece:

But I loose time, which is too precious now,

Fate give my sisters love success, and then

Though I miss mine, they can finde other men.

ACTUS Quintus.

Scoena Prima.

Blunt, Philostratus like a physitian, Virginio.

Blunt.

YOur recommendation's good, very good, from a good friend of mine.

Phil.

Besides the friendship, Sir, 'tis charity

To be assistant to a stranger. All

I desire at present, is your good word:

And if you chance to know of any person

Infirm of any desperate disease,

Such as your London-Doctors have given o're,

I doubt not but to cure them, at least

To give them ease.

Blunt.

Excellent, a man sent by providence,

But Sir, such desperate diseases, on

Your first triall, should you miscarry,

Would quite discredit you.

Phil.

From such hard asks,

Men gaine opinion of what they are:

Upon my life, I'll not discredit you;

For I have such prophetick knowledge, Sir,

Of the malignity of each disease,

That viewing the patient onely, I can ghess

[Page 70]

To a haires breadth, whether the disease be

Desperate, or cureable.

Blunt.

Let me embrace you: I have occasion

To employ you straight; and if you prosper in't,

You make me yours for ever. I am plaine,

Sir, Blunt as my name; but many that

Express more, may not perhaps reward

Your paines so well as I may do.

Phil.

I am not mercenary; if I can do you any

Good, the service will requite it selfe.

Blunt.

The honestest Physitian I ere met with!

In sooth I'll beare you to your patient straight,

A faire one, I'll assure you, and my Mistriss:

If you cure her, you may command two

Purses, her fathers and mine.

Phil.

You speak nobly.

Enter Virginio.

Blunt.

And see, he comes as sent for: what cheere,

Forsoot? How doth my Mistriss, and your

Daughter? —

Virg.

Never worse, Mr. Blunt, never worse.

Blunt.

Doth she continue her Fanatick vein?

Virg.

No Sir, but worse, she's wheel'd about to the

Antipodes, turn'd Princess in conceit,

And expects strang Embassadors from the

King of Morocco, to fetch and Marry her

By Deputie.

Phil.

Her distemper's high; but surely caus'd by love.

Virg.

What Gentleman is that?

Blunt.

A skilfull Doctor, forsooth, new come from Padua, I had provided for your Daughter.

Virg.

You shew your love; but she's past recovery.

Phil.

Tho' I affect not to be a Trumpet of my skill,

Yet charity compells me to informe you, that

Your Daughter may be curable, if her distemper

[Page 71]

Be no more then you deliver; nor will it prove

The most desperate cure I have effected.

Virg.

Good Sir, I do believe you a great Artist;

But I'm old and passionate: use your best

Skill; and if you can restore her to her

Former senses, make you your own conditions,

My purse shall seal them.

Phil.

Not for your Money, Sir; but for the Love

I bear this Gentleman, and's honoured friend,

Who recommended me unto him, I'll do

My best, and that I hope will make you bless

Your Stars you ere imploy'd me. I desire

I may have liberty, and all things else

Provided the cure may require—

Virg.

Nothing shall be wanting. But we delay: come, Mr. Blunt, 'tis time we were about it.

Blunt.

Come, good Mr. Doctor.

Phil.

Your servant, Sir. I follow.

Exeunt.

Scoena Secunda.

Acuta with a Letter, and Glisterpipe, Clittomestra.

Acut.

CArry this Letter to my Mother, sirrah.

Glis.

Fine, and familiar; good signs of affection!

I must be diligent; from whence comes it?

Acut.

That I know not: a Porter left it here even now:

Dispatch't, and give't my Mother; it may require

A hasty answer.

Glis.

With expedition, forsooth.

Exit.

Acut.

So, is't hit, I'm made: altho't hinder

My Fathers making, I mean a horned Beast,

It may make me a wife, preserve my mother

Honest; these are the vertuous ends to which

I fram'd that Letter as from Ticket. Virtue,

As thou dost know my ends are just, so give

[Page 72]

Success to my designs. See, here she comes,

Enter Clit.

Hooded and mask't. So, so; my plot hath hit.

Clit.

Daughter, I am going a little way: if in my absence Your Father should return, say I was sent for to a womans labour.

Acut.

Or rather, that you are gone unto a man's.

Aside.

But you forget your promise.

Cilt.

Pish, I finde he's an inconstant man; I think

Not on him now.

Acut.

In that y'are wise; I told you so at first.

Clit.

My business requires haste: farewel, Acuta.

Acut.

Farewel, dear mother: if the empty Air

Be pleasant food to feed your longing with,

Your lustful appetite may surfeit on't:

I grudge it not. How slily cunning she

Appear'd in hiding from me what my self

Designed, onely to frustrate her wicked ends!

But I with Monsieur Ticket will keep touch,

And meet him at his own appointed place,

In the More-fields, the whilst my mother

At Islington doth feast her self on hopes,

And eat Stew'd-Pruands for restoratives.

Ha, ha, he! the fancy how it pleases me

But I must to my task; she gains a prize

That picks a vertuous Husband out of vice.

Exit.

Scoena Tertia.

Ticket, Rant, Astutia.

Tick.

HOw dost feel thy self?

Ran.

This wench hath given me a shrew'd hearing; my brains begin to turn like tumblers, and do the Summerset in my scull: I wonder she continues sober.

Tick.

Custom hath rendred it a second nature to her: but by my faith, friend, you shall drink no more, since it doth so disturb you.

[Page 73]

Rant.

Pish, 'tis nothing: a little heats me.

Tick.

If 't be no more, you'll do your work the better, a little wins the soule of Venery, and makes a man all fancy. But did'st thou marke with what a canonicall countenance and ceremony the fellow seem'd to marry you? he lookt so superciliously, I scarce knew him for my man.

Rant.

Faith he would have deceiv'd any: but to see

The wench, she stands upon it now, as

If she were some Votary: she won't go to bed

Forsooth at undecent houres, and brides it

As much as my Lady Mayoress at a Coronation.

Tick.

But the jest will be, boy, after thou hast

Enjoy'd her, and I my promise (for we must

Not discover before) what a pickle she'll

Be in! —

Rant.

Ha, ha, he! the pretty faces she'll make!

Ticket.

VVhen she findes her selfe deluded, by being our whore, in stead of your wife, by my faith a great descent.

Rant.

Certainly she'll gaule her tongue with scolding,

And batter down the wall of her mouth,

I meane her teeth, with the thunderbolt

Of her exclaimes.

Tick.

Nay, we must expect lightening too; for she's

A Serpent, and can spit fire.

Rant.

Howere, I'll stand her boldly; I believe the

Breach is made to my hand. But now we

Talke of broken commodities, art not thou

To meet the Doctors wife to night?

Tick.

I am; but I'll see thee incircled within Astutia's armes first, and then I'm for her.

Rant.

Faith Ticket I must have a reversion there; 'tis

Justice, Wench for Wench: besides, thou art to

Have a taste of my red Deare; and Venison is

A meat to pleasure friends with.

Tick.

Marry here, I take pains for you, and my

Selfe too; in th' other venter, for my selfe

Onely: and could'st thou have the conscience

To reap the harvest of all my labours,

[Page 74]

And never take pains to sowe?

Rant.

Deare Ticket, I onely desire the gleanings, and those are allowed to idle persons: then consider who entred you into that acquaintance: good turnes would be remembred.

Tick.

And shall: if this wench can't allay your heat, th'other's at your service.

Rant.

VVhy now thou speak'st nobly, like a worthy engrosser of Mutton: but mum, here comes my mock-bride; oh she paces admirably well!

Tick.

She'll trot and jolt anon: a through-pac'd wench, I warrant thee.

Enter Astutia.

Rant.

Sweet, are you come to hasten me to bed?

Astu.

The nights are long, Sir, and you may no doubt

Finde time enough, before Aurora doth

Unvaile her face, to make you weary of

Those sports your expectation flatters you

Withall: Marriage is a holy thing,

And all it's Rites, Sir, are to be perform'd

With ceremonious and due respect.

Rant.

But Deare, the Ceremony now is o're:

Since that the Priest hath ti'd our hands, and love

Our hearts; what can remaine, but that we taste

Those lawfull sweets, which Hymen doth allow

His votaries?

Tick.

Madam, indeed 'tis late; for night begins

To spread her sable Canopy o'er the Earth.

Astu.

Sir, I am all obedience: if it be

Your pleasure thus early to go to rest,

I am your servant now, and must obey:

All that before I said, I pray excuse:

A fond desire to retaine a while

My Virgin-state, reprieve my Maiden-head,

Made me contend; no disobedience

To your will, which ever shall be mine

In all that's good, or but indifferent;

So strictly knit to yours, that none therein,

Though envy lent them eyes, shall ere discerne

A difference.

[Page 75]

Rant.

What pity 'tis she is a whore!

Were she honest, and thus obedient,

She would grow up a President for wives,

And be a woman born to make men happy.

But she is light, and therefore shun'd the light:

For whil'st day peept, her deeds of darkness

Durst not shew their face, nor shew her lust.

Why do I terme it so? to me 'tis not:

For she enjoyes a husband in her thoughts,

Whil'st I do knowingly embrace a VVhore;

Yet is her promise to my friend no wayes

Excusable; see, she drives the bargain:

A man were well holp up with such a wife:

They toy: 'twas well the Marriage was in jest.

I like my armes, and would not change my crest.

Deare, let's not waste such precious time: to bed,

There let us loose our selves in one another,

And raise our pleasures up to such a height,

The gods themselves may envy at our bliss.

Come, is the Posset made?

Tick.

To what purpose? here are no aged Matrons to mumble the curd between their gumms, and read a baudy lecture to your bride, till laughter makes them foame at mouth again. A Posset? none but an Antiquary would have ask't for such an apocryphall meate, as antient as Rebellion it selfe. Faith a Tub full of graines will be as rich geere to make a Protectorian frollick, and liquor Sattin Gownes with.

Rant.

Thou art such a modish Zealot, and such an

Enemy to old fashions and customes, I wonder

Thou lovest women so, a thing in fashion

In old Adam's dayes.

Tick.

And so were Cloaths; yet still their fashion

Changes; so nature varies beauties; sometimes

Long visages are à la mode, sometimes round, then

Broad, triangle, ovall; any forme that is

In present use, and most esteeme, fancie

Decrees for fairest.

Rant.

Thy reasons are unanswerable: I submit,

[Page 76]

And will steale as silently to bed as a Zealot

To his brothers wife when he's asleep.

Tick.

Get you gone then and be naught together;

You loose much time. Had I so sweet a Bride,

I would prevent the morning, which within

Few houres will appeare to chide your dulness.

Rant.

Faith we're to blame: come, deare, let's in

To bed, for feare the God of Marriage grow

Incens'd. — Ticket, good rest, and pleasing dreames.

Exit.

Tick.

You have the pleasing substance, Sir, make

Much on't. So, this happily is dispatch't:

Now to my Doctors wife; I hope she'll prove,

Though not a lawfull, a sweet prize of love.

Exit.

Scoena Quarta.

Virginio, Philostratus, Blunt, Coelia.

Phil.

SHe's extreamly tainted, Sir, that's certain;

And her distemper still growes higher.

Virg.

I see it does, Sir, to my griefe I see it.

Never was man like me unfortunate,

T'have but one childe, one comfort in my age,

And to have her distracted, mad. Heavens,

How did my youth offend, that on my age

You do inflict so cruell and severe

A punishment?

Weeps.

Blunt.

Have patience, forsooth: Mr. Doctor, speak some comfort to him.

Phil.

I wish I could; and yet I don't despaire

But that time and healing medicaments

May cure her distemper, and restore

The Lady to her pristine health.

Virg.

Oh! never Sir, 'tis not within

The power of art, to render me so happy.

Blunt.

Oh sweet Mistriss Coelia!

Phil.

Sir, be of cheere, I may have yet in store

Something may comfort her. Alass, I pitty you,

[Page 77]

And participate your grief: we must have time

To observe and marke her severall distempers;

For each distraction hath its several cause,

And every cause produceth an effect,

By which 'tis known; and a disease once known,

You know's halfe cured.

Virg.

VVould hers were so: the little hope I've left

Is in your art, pray use your utmost skill.

Command me and my purse for a reward.

Phil.

Sir, if my life would cure her, I would not set a price on't; but let's observe, she comes, and in her fit.

Enter Coelia, richly, but phantastically habited: Servants.

Coelia.

Set us our Chaire of State, and o're our head erect a Chrystall Canopy, all full of Diamond-stars, whose lustre may blinde bleere-ey'd Astronomers to gaze upon.

Phil.

In her Princely straine, we must observe her gestures and her speech, and calculate by them the cause of her distemper.

Blunt.

Let me alone to watch; I'll be as vigilant, as an Informer in Lent.

Coelia.

Me thinks our Court's too meane, not rich enough

To entertain the love of such a Prince.

Phil.

Love is one cause, marke that.

Coelia.

But we will have most glorious ornaments;

Our walls and pavements all of beaten gold;

Love in a fiery chariot shall descend,

And with his flaming beames transpierce his heart,

VVhil'st I on gaudy Iris back ascend

The clouds, and gloriously eclipse the Sun.

How can my love be absent? — hark, hark,

I heare him come in Charles VVaine, lumbring

Through the Clouds, before we are prepar'd.

Turrets and Galleries we must have built;

And Arches carv'd in one intire stone.

Phil.

Mark the effects of pride; yet still relating to her love.

Virg.

Poor Coelia!

[Page 78]

Coel.

Pillars of Pearle, and lofty Pyramids

Of Diamonds, upon whose spires shall be

Erected, with sacred and mysterious art,

A Saphire prospect to orelook the world.

Next, will I have a heaven made of Chrystall,

And womens hearts all adamant; the mens

Vulcan shall forge of his refined steele,

That they cleave in one and never part.

'Tis well you know your distance. See my commands

Be executed all, you are my surveyor. —

Phil.

She cooles, and growes more temperate.

Coel.

Why should I not have him, him that I love?

Obedience, love, duty, affections;

Oh you discordant contrarieties!

What a confusion do you breed within

My fancie, and keep a strugling for the

Mastership!

Phil.

Now she discourses somewhat sensibly;

Her rank distemper certainly is love,

My art much fails me else; which not enjoy'd,

Worse frenzie followes, in the end her death,

Which Physicks skill wants power to prevent.

Virg.

It is too incredible to gain belief:

Yet with my heart I wish it were no worse,

Then might I hope a remedy, which now

Alas is desperate. She love! poor Girl,

Love knows not such an enemy as her:

She hath with tears besought me on her knees,

When I've presented Husbands to her choice,

That I'd dispence with her obedience,

And leave her to her Virgin-happiness.

Phil.

I must confess 'tis strange.

Blunt.

And when, forsooth, I offer'd my love, and service,

You would not think, forsooth, how she slighted it!

Phil.

All that may be, Sir; y'are inclin'd to age;

And possibly the lovers tender'd by

This Gentleman unto his daughters choice

And liking, little agreeable unto

[Page 79]

The Ladies fancy, which is the womb of love.

You may believe me Master of a confidence

That sorts not with true art, to build upon

Conjectural speculations: But when

You shall understand my chiefest skill lies

In Physiognomy, which is the Index

Of the Minde, that through observation

I have learnt the radical cause of such

Distempers, you cannot blame me if I desire

You would bethink your self, or have her askt

Concerning these particulars.

Virg.

These three years I dare answer for her: indeed some four years since I do remember a proper Gentleman, but much in his estate decayed, made tenders of his love; I therefore thought him not a match for her, no more did she.

Phil.

If it might not be too great boldness, I should crave his name.

Virg.

He call'd himself Philostratus.

Coel.

Philostratus! he is not here; why do

You mock me thus? yet he is too unkind

That will not come and see his Coelia die.

My soul is fleeting in an Airy Chariot.

Directly to Elyzium; but I'll

Soon return, and hant my Philostratus.

Phil.

Now you'll approve my art.

Virg.

'Tis more then humane!

Phil.

Her infirmitie's plain: if you esteem her life at any rate, you may preserve it.

Virg.

Value her life! oh, Sir, don't question it:

Were Philostratus poorer then he is,

And that his marriage could but cure her;

I'd embrace his alliance with more joy

Then if Croesus store flow'd in his Coffers.

Blunt.

I hope you will not make an Ass of me,

Forsooth, I have your promise.

Virg.

Always provided that you got her consent: which not obtain'd, my promise, Sir, is void. Good Mr. Doctor, inquire out this man, this philostratus; let us not neglect the means that may restore her.

[Page 80]

Phil.

Sir, I go:

But would be willingly assur'd before,

That you will ratifie the match: for

Tho' he's a stranger to me, I'd be loth

To do a Gentleman such injury,

As to revive an almost-quencht affection.

With hopes, that would not prove realities.

Virg.

Oh doubt it not! I love my child too well:

Yet to confirm your faith, list to my vow:

If that the Gods restore my child to health,

By means of Philostratus, or his love;

I swear by Styx, that oath of dreadful awe

Amongst the Gods, which they durst never break,

Philostratus shall have my full consent

To take her for his Wife: of which fixt vow

Heaven and you are witness.

Phil.

I thank you, Sir, and now crave performance.

Virg.

Are you Philostratus?

Phil.

The same, Sir,; and for your Daughter,

With this kiss I cure her distemper.

Virg.

I am all wonder!

Blunt.

And I all fool, to bring a Doctor to wipe my nose.

Coel.

Your pardon, gratious father; it was love

That made me counterfeit this Lunacie.

To gain your free consent, and yet preserve

My duty and obedience.

Virg.

I am so glad to see thee thus recover'd,

I want wards to express my joy:

But take him, Girl, thou hast deserv'd him well.

Philostratus, I need not doubt thy love,

Which hath continued so many years

(Almost without hope) constant: such love

Must prosper; take her, Philostratus.

Phil.

Welcome, dear blessing: with far greater joy

Do I receive thee into my bosome,

Then malefactors at their deaths reprieves.

Coel.

My joy's too great to be express'd in words;

My fancie and my love too high. The Gods

[Page 81]

Affect not heaven more then I Philostratus:

For which rich gifts (deare Father) I do owe

You more, then for my birth.

Virg.

And may the gift be worth it, and thou him:

The promises are fair on both sides. Let's

To Church, and solemnize your loving Rites.

Mr. Blunt, come, cheere up, man; thou wert

My choice, but none can war with fate:

Howe're, be merry at the Wedding, man;

There be more wives i'th' world.

Phil.

And here comes one of equall years to fit him.

Blunt.

Sweet Coelia!

Coel.

My Governess, and dripping! sure she hath been new dipt.

Matr.

For love of you: but I'll make no more discoveries: a precise Rascall, like an unconscionable villain as he was, set me upon a tub of water for a stoole of repentance, upon which my devotion cooling, I fell asleep; and [...]odding, tilted backwards into the water; up went my heeles and so I made a discovery.

Phil.

Of the Netherlands.

All.

Ha, ha, he!

Phil.

If you be a charitable man, warme this piece of devotion; that is, marry her; she'd prove both a Wise and a Nurse: the last you want most.

Blunt.

I would do much, I can tell you, to get even with you: I have been fob'd of one wife already.

Coel.

You may venter here with safety, with assurance: none will rob you of her; and I am sure my Governess is kinde-hearted.

Matr.

I would not forgoe a good turne; but I am glad to see you come to so well, Mistriss.

Virg.

Come, let it be a Match, and all to Church together.

Phil.

I see he's well inclin'd: silence consents. You'll have [...] cleane Bride of her, she hath been well wash't.

Matr.

Oh that Rascall! could I but light on him. —

Phil.

Do not raile upon him; he has almost done you that good in satisfaction, by procuring you a rich Churle for a [Page 82]Husband, as may make you bless him all dayes of your life.

Matr.

Was it you, Sir?

Phil.

No matter; I, or one in my Coat: at dinner I'll relate all passages.

Virg.

I do suspect mad prankes. Son, take your Bride.

May nought but death this union divide.

Blunt.

Nay, Mistriss, we'll make up the second couple; a Compleate match, i' faith.

Virg.

Why well said, Neighbour, now I like it; you go Roundly to the lousiness.

Blunt.

I can do it home, I can tell you.

You will make an obedient wife?

Matr.

Yes, and please your worship.

Phil.

This is right Love, and Courtship A la mode.

Lady, will you Marry me? yes Sir, with all my

Heart: but for obedience, you should have left it

Till you came to Church, where she perhaps would have

Left it behinde her.

Virg.

We loose much time: come, Lovers let's away;

For Hymen's Ri [...]es admit of no delay.

Exeunt.

Scoena Quinta.

Enter Rant, Astutia.

Rant.

My Wife! I scorn't: thou common Wastecoateer,

And mercenary receipt for lust, do'st think

I had so little wit to marry thee?

Thou poore abused foole.

Astu.

I thought you had more honesty, then to

Deny your Wife; at least more Manhood, then

To use her scurvily, unlike your selfe.

You know I am no whore; you had my Maiden-head.

Rant.

Yes, the nineteenth reversion: do I

Not know your tricks to cousen men,

Your surphling water, and a thousand more,

Which I conceale for modesty?

Or be it granted that thou wert a Maide,

Will that strengthen a Marriage made in sport,

By a poore silly serving-man?

[Page 83]

Astu.

I still am patient; but much I feare

You'll finde it otherwise: and when you know

That I am Tickets Sister, a pure Virgin,

That never yet knew one dishonest thought,

Nor any crime, but too much love to you,

Sure you'll repent my wrongs.

Rant.

How, Ticket's Sister! how dar'st thou thus

Abuse me, abuse my friend, and know

Thou hast a life within my power?

Oh impudence of women! did'st thou not

Promise him to make this match?

The nearest courtesie that woman e're

Afforded man.

Astu.

I did, yet with no bad intent, knowing

I could at any time acquit my selfe,

By letting him know I was his Sister.

Rant.

Still dost persist in thy most damned untruths?

I would my friend were here, that we might take

A full revenge upon thy impudence.

How now? the news.

Enter. Porter.

Port.

I have a Letter to your Worship.

Rant.

From whence?

Port.

The contents will notifie.

Deare Brother (for so my Sister now hath made you) I desire yours and her company instantly at the Popes head in Morefields, where I shall largely satisfie you of all particular stouching your Marriage: you have got a noble Gentlewoman, use her as she deserves, nobly; use her as my sister, lovingly, as you will preserve the good opinion of

Your affectionate Brother, Ticket.

Short, and sweet! I am Married, it seems;

Jugled into Matrimony without

My knowledge; a VVedding A la mode.

Brother Ticket, if you are not really

My brother, but have Married me to one

Of your Aunts; here's that shall do me reason:

And Lady Bride, your policy shall smart for't.

Astu.

But if you finde I really am so,

[Page 84]

Sister to Ticket, and a wife to you;

VVhat satisfaction ought you then to make

My innocence, for so abusing me,

Abusing her, that lov'd you, lov'd you

Beyond reason, beyond measure?

Rant.

If thou prov'st all this, I will forgive thee,

And that's a favour, because thou married'st me

VVithout my owne consent: 'twas plaguy neate,

A cleane conveyance, carried on with wit:

I fancy it hugely, and I fear I shall love thee;

For I begin to have a good conceit

Of thy honesty: me thought my last

Nights lodging smick't and savour'd of the maidenhead.

Let's to thy brother now, if he be so;

He shall be still my friend, if not, my foe.

Astu.

He will confirme this truth, and that you are

My lawfull husband, that I won you faire.

Exeunt.

Scoena Ultima.

Acuta, Ticket, Gambugium, Rant, Astutia.

Tick.

MEthinks 'tis a fine fresh air.

Acu.

I am weary of air; I would have some reality.

Tick.

Thou'dst have thou knowst not what. Have I not vow'd a thousand times that I love thee? sworn Oaths that would induce an Atheist to belief? Nay, have I not proffer'd to stamp my seal upon the virgin-wax? what wouldst have more?

Acut.

I'd have thee honest, that is, make good thy vows,

And marry me: thou seest the hazards I

Have run, to save my mothers honour, and

Thy soul; hazarded my own dear fame

What think you Rumour will deliver of me?

What severe censures men will pass upon me,

And justly too, for meeting of you here?

It doth, I must confess, exceed the bounds

Of modesty; but when the world shall know,

I came to save the honour of my house,

You in my mother sought to undermine,

[Page 85]

To tell you, how base a dissembler you are,

In spite of love, here to renounce all love

That is not warranted both by the Laws

Of Church and State; then, Ticket, the world

Will know my innocence, and thy guilt.

Tick.

They'll know your love too (Lady) that was the cause (however you disguise it) of this visitation.

Acut.

I value not who knows it, I confess it;

And therein glory, I can master it.

She ne'er was virtuous, that was never tempted;

I have stood the shock of both, of love and of

Temptation; yet know, thou great dissembler,

My virtue's such, that had I not power to

Resist thy love, before I'd yeild to any

Loose embrace, I'd shew my self a Lucrece,

And die Virtues Martyr.

Tick.

I do admire thee! fair virtuous soul,

If thou canst pardon my past wandering love,

And think me worthy of thee, I am thine.

Acut.

Adde not unto my injuries; was't not

Enough to court me to affection first,

And then to work upon my weakness,

By tempting me to lust; but now when I

Have overcome thy lust and my affection,

Again to ensnare me, on pretence of marriage?

Tick.

Let not my past errours beget obduracie

In your belief; if now I do not mean it

Really, let goodness in my greatest need

Forsake me: witness these tears.

Weeps.

Enter Gambugium.

Gamb.

Never was man so tormented as I; first to be catcht up in a Whirlewinde, and hurried I know not where; them coming home, to miss my Wife, my Daughter, and my man: Oh my brains, my head, my horrid monstrous head! I feel my temples sprout, they spread, they spread; give me patience, give me patience.

Acut.

I do believe you, Sir, you are to me

More welcome now in your return to love,

[Page 86]

To faithful love I mean, then if

You had never err'd.

Tick.

You anew create my hopes, and see

Your father to compleat the match.

Gamb.

Oh my eys! am I asleep, or do I wake?

My Daughter at an Alehouse window?

Plague of the Devil, my Wife's upon the

Bed: Oh my torments! my hellish torments;

They gnaw my heart-strings. Strumpet,

What make you there?

Tick.

Tho' you be her father, yet give me leave

To tell you y'are foul-mouth'd: she's so chaste,

She knows not what your language means:

She's a Mine of Virtue; you may glory

In having th' honour to call her daughter;

She hath made me a convert, made

Clean a Leopard.

Gamb.

May I believe her virtuous? a Virgin still!

Acut.

Father, let my tears perswade you to

Believe it, not shed for any guilt,

But to soften your obdurate heart.

Kneels.

Tick.

Rise, sweet; waste not in vain those pearly drops:

Let me alone to justifie

Thy virtue 'gainst the world; first, Sir, to you,

Who are more jealous far then wise:

This Lady, tho' your daughter, is now my wife;

Nor can your jealous humour injure her,

But I participate the calumny,

Therefore bound to vindicate her virtue:

She ne'er had won me for a Husband,

If by intreaties, protestations, oaths,

Gold, Jewels or other allurements

I could have entred her Virgin-fort.

In farther addition to her glory, know,

She was your chiefe preserver from abuse;

For I'll confess my crimes, because I meane

Amendment: I courted long your wife.

Gamb.

I am a Cuckold irrecoverably, too sensibly

I feele it. Oho!

[Page 87]

Ticket.

You seeme disturb'd; i' faith you have no cause,

Thanks to your daughter. After long courtship,

I obtain'd a triviall favour of your wife,

To give me here a meeting; which she'd done

If not prevented by your daughter, who sent

Her Mother to waite at Islington my coming.

Gam.

Oh how am I blest in a virtuous Childe!

Tick.

You are indeed, and in a virtuous wife,

If that your jealousie do not corrupt her;

For none but she could have so long withstood

The various traines I laid to blow her

Virtue up.

Gam

VVell then, farewell it; I see 'tis a folly

To be jealous of what we can't prevent.

Daughter, I crie thee mercy for my ill

Opinion of thee; nay, I'll buy it with

Five hundred pounds more then I meant

Thee. Son, thou appear'st a Gentleman;

Take my consent: I give thee my daughter

VVillingly, provided thou wilt not feek

To cuckold the father.

Tick.

I shall ever pay the love and duty of a Son.

Gam.

Why well said Son; where shall we keep the wedding?

Acu.

If it be your pleasure, I think at Islington, where my Mother expects us.

Tick.

Come, sweet, let's thither; the Parson of the Village shall confirme the bargain, and so to bed.

Enter Rant and Astutia.

Rant.

Brother Ticket, well met.

Tick.

I wish you joy, Sir: nay, never frowne; she is my sister, a Gentlewoman; and tho' her portion's small, her love deserves you, and so I thought it a part of friendship to bring you together. I dealt not worse by you then I have done by my selfe.

Rant.

VVhat, married?

Tick.

As you see, —

Going to be ti'd to the sweet Apple-tree.

Rant.

Nay, I'll never spoile mirth: here's my hand, I [Page 88]thought to have raged extreamly, but it shall be like a loving brot [...] wish you joy.

Tick.

VVhy God-a-mercy; the like to thee.

Gam.

And I wish joy to both.

Tick.

Thanks, worthy Father; now let's to Islington

To consummate my Vow, and after feast

There with our Mother: you shall be my guest.

Enter Phil. Coelia, Blunt, Matrona.

Tick.

But see how opportunely come new friends, and from a wedding too! we are going to the place from whence you came.

Phil.

Two VVeddings meet! why this is luck i' faith.

Rant.

And we make up the third Couple.

Blunt.

Nay feakins, forsooth, we make up the mess.

Tick.

Happy beyond our wish! let's in a measure celebrate our joyes.

All.

VVith all our hearts.

A Dance.

EPILOGUE.OƲr Lovers Courtship, held no common road:
In France it was conceiv'd, Love à la mode,
French novelties still use to please our Nation,
Better then any English home-spun Fashion;
Which makes us hope, that this our Play will hit,
Being made to the Meridian of your wit:
Yet for all this, we have just cause to feare,
All are not fashion-mongers that are here:
And those that be, do change the Mode so fast,
We are afraid, our wit can never last
Above a Terme; which did our Poet move,
To finish all in Matrimonial love;
That love is antient, and must ever last;
I would your loves were knit to us as fast:
That of our Authors Muse you may beget
Never, and better off-springs of his wit.
FINIS.
[Page]

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