SCENE I.

BLess you Sir; May you ever have a sound Wench, plea­sing Dreams, and wholesome Wine.

How much is't? what is't boy?

A Coach-wheel you Sons of Whores; suf­ficient, if manag'd to the best advantage, in Nappy Ale, to give us Courage enough to Hector an Alderman, beat a Common-Council-Man; and make us reel home like men of Bus'ness, and Watchmen of the better sort.

Ounds and Taradiddle.

O brave Cousin Sir John I swear, O brave Cousin Sir John I say—I would not for twenty Guinea's but I had rambl'd with you to Night. How do you like me now Cousin Sir John?

Crown me, ye Noble Hero's of the Night, ye Sons of darkness, Crown me, who now return in triumph from Conquering those Infernall Guards.

Drink about there, six in a hand. My head swims.

Hold Coachman, hold you Son of a Whore, I'le not give you one farthing if you drive a step further, help me out you dog, and get me a Whore; here's half a Crown for you.

By my Shoul dish ish brave shport now; I did never see a Hogs­head speak in Ireland—by shaint Lukes faith but I will shtop thy bunghole joy.

Well Couz. how like you our sport? Are not these delights in­comparably beyond the dull insipid pleasures of a Country-Coxcomb's life; [Page 2] whose diversion is his toyle, and cannot give him the distinguishing Character of a Gentleman.

Uds foot, you're in the right on't, Couzen Sir John.

There after your filthy beastly sports, you meet at some little thatch't Ale-house; and like our dirty tun-belly'd Carmen, overload your Stomachs, Stupify your brains; and put out the spark of reason with the thick foggs of fulsome vulgar Ale; then reel to bed, abundantly drunk by Nine a Clock: The Night was made for the frollicks and revellings of a Gentle­man, and for none but poor labouring slaves to sleep in; Is not this abun­dantly a more refin'd way then yours? ha!

Ay, ne're stir in't Cousin Sir John; and I am resolv'd for the fu­ture, I'le be plaguy unlucky, and grow as mad and frollicksome as the best of you.

Under this window, do you hear fellows.

Admirable humour I'Gad: It is time we retire, see the Morning begins to peep abroad, with its Impertinent light—But hold Captain, fir [...] let's hear the Catalogue of this Nights adventures; I shall be ill at rest all this day following if we have not done a plaguy deal of mischief.

Let's see; about some Eight Sign-Posts pull'd down, as many Walls scall'd and Demollish'd, a dozen

Persons taken Prisoners; a few Stragling Whores pist upon and kick'd; Besides about as much glass broken as would serve for the windows of Pauls; Knockers pull'd off from doors, and they from their hinges, innumerable; Signes blotted out, Coblers and hucstkers Stalls broke open in abundance, to the confusion of old Shooes and Gingerbread; and the Watch kick't to the Devil.

Sun, Moon, and Seaven Stars! O brave Cousin Sir John I'le Swear, O brave Sir John I say.

Huzza, Huzza! Come Captain, let's go off in Tryumph.

March on ye Sons of Mars, and boys of Mettle, You clash your Iron; and I'le twank my Kettle.

SCENE II. Lady Fancifulls House.

Primrose.

Your pleasure Madam.

Come hither; pin up this Curl, and adjust the dress of my head:—Oh hideous, what a piece of Gallantry have we had here? If this [Page 4] trade hold; I must ev'n change my lodgings; what with the hoarse cry of the Bell-mans mortifying Rhymes, the Barbarous Musick of tooting ho­boys, and the more Intollerable Civilities of Serenading fools, there's little rest to be taken; from such humours good Love deliver me.

No doubt Madam, but this was design'd for a piece of Bravery; and I question not but to oblige you; as well as to shew the Gentlemans wit and way of address.

The obligation would have been greater had he let it alone: pri­thee, canst thou Imagine who the person is, that has thus highly oblig'd me?

I'le lay my life on't Madam, this was one of Sr. John Oldfops Maggots; he scorns any thing that is vulgar, as he stiles it.

That Infinite Coxcomb, that miscellany of fools; indeed he is al­ways fond of all the folly's of the Town; and to make himself more Emi­nently ridiculous, varnishes o're the Imperfections and deformities of old Age, with the gloss and affected gayety of Youth; he has the vanity to think himself the only favourite; the very Adonis of the Ladys, tho' fool enough to be scorn'd by all: an eternall railer against Age, and will Curse it, tho' he knows the Imprecations must necessarily fall on his own head:

Well, I must for some time at least, wear the mask of Dissimula­tion; Nor need I fear to be singular in this, Since our Sex very rarely ap­pears without it.

O Gemini, what a pestilent noise has here been; I vow now I tremble every joynt about me.

Here's a peice of Country-Innocence, rude and unpollish'd as a Syl­van, she's so very simple; one wou'd swear she had liv'd Sequester'd from the Conversation of mankinde.—Come, come; lay aside your needless fears, little one; this was nothing but a Town humour, a Serenade.

A Serenade, what is that? pray forsooth:

Why, an Entertainment that the gallants think to pleasure their Mistresses with; 'tis to put young Ladys in mind of their Servants; lest they shou'd forget to dream of 'em.

Should the Sparks but know that you were hero, you'd quickly have the second part to the same tune, Madam.

They'd be continually Buzzing about you, like Bees in a Garden of Flowers. One wou'd ogle and languish at you with his arms folded a-cross, and his head on one side thus. Another Cock, and look big upon you; rap out half a dozen modish oaths;—shake his Garniture, and pass by you with a low-diving bow; and a three quarter face, as thus,—A third descant on your perfections; as the delicacy of your lively Complexion; the Symetry of your parts; the agreeableness of your features; and so lowd, as you may be sure to hear him.

A fourth make verses upon you; treat; present and Serenade you.

And the fifth perhaps, something more foppish then the rest wou'd passionately swear, your teeth were pearl, your Lips Corall, that your breath was perfum'd with Arabian sweets, your eyes two Stars, nay two rising Suns for a need, and that on your Cheeks were two Beds of Roses, where the Cupids lay wantoning, and basking themselves, in their Golden Rays.

O Gemini, this is fine I vow;—But wou'd they indeed now for­sooth.

Yes, yes, and more then all this; But you must not believe 'em; they are Rooks, and never play upon the square; foot-padders that lye upon the Road of Love to rifle maids of their virginities

O living Dear; not believe them indeed;—but I wou'd tho': how wou'd they rifle me of my virginity trow?—pray forsooth tell me;

That I'm to learn my self; I never made the experiment, O fye; I vow her simplicity makes me blush; I must divert her from this Idle dis­course: prithee Dorinda what's your servants name? when came he to town?

O forsooth his name is Bellamore; he came last night, and his man has hir'd lodgings already for him in this house.—O If you did but see him;—he goes as fine as a Lord; and he tells me he has been at Court, and in France too

After what manner does he make Court to thee?

O he gives me Oranges and Sweet-meats, Curious Ribbons and Laces, talks fine Complements to me indeed; and calls me the prettiest names; tells me my lips are sprinkl'd o're with honey-drops, then he'le kiss me, and kiss me agen;—he told me too, that I must have a Care of the fine Gentlemen of the Town, for he said they'd make a Miss of me—I'de fain know what that is forsooth; pray will you tell me?

Methinks I long to see this Gentleman; I fancy he is a very agree­able person, at least more tollerable than those diverting Coxcombs I now entertain.

Now durst I venture the forfeiture of my Maiden-head to the next kind Devill I meet; this Mistress of mine is contriving to make prize of her Lover; for she'l entertain all sorts and sizes, tho' it be meerly for her diversion; and hates to see any one courted besides her self; nay, for my part, I believe she wou'd by her good will engross all mankind.

Well, 'tis a most delicious morning; the clearness of the heavens, and the still air seem to invite us abroad.—Come Dorinda, are you for a walk?—I'le have you to the park where you shall see fine Ladies and Gen­tlemen;—get my dress ready against I return, and bid the Boy follow us to the Mall.

Wou'd the Gentlemen kiss a body tho? I vow, if they shou'd, [Page 6] I'de ne're endure 'em, that I wou'd not,

SCENE III. A private walk behind the House.

Well Sir, how stand affairs?—is there any hope for my once ship­wrackt vessell, now at last to return home with the prize of a humer some Mistress?—speak hast thou been there?—this is the time and place I ap­pointed you to meet me at, is it not?

You are in the right on't Sir; and I perceive you are a man of a notable memory.

And you procur'd me lodgings in the house with hers, and seen 'em furnish't fit to receive a Gentleman:

May be ay, Sir, and may be no, Sir,—I know nothing of the mat­ter Sir,—I am very busy at the present—Your humble Servant Sir—

S'death! what does the Rascall mean? his Insolence and slight be­haviour will provoke me;—But by this I imagine he has had success; and he only keeps me off as a politick mistress do's her Servant, with a wan­ton kinde of anger, faint denyall, and a gratefull little pettishness, only that when he comes to the business, he may embrace it the more eagerly

Then you'l not leap into the matter?

I understand you not—No, no, Sir, you know I am to lye upon Benches at Tavern-doors, till one or two a Clock with a Flambeaux in my hand, amongst an honourable train of footmen and link-boys; and for want of a tester to drink wine with flys in't, which the generous Bar-keeper is to give me out of a vessell that has been fill'd with the dregs, and Squeez­ings of an hundred severall Bottles.

What? I suppose you remember the last weeks business yet?

Then am I to be stript of your old silk wastcoat here; and clapt in­to a wide-body'd livery Coat, laid down on every Seam with a worsted Lace, of a Groat or three pence a yard, like a Country Esquires Coachman; and this was the Equipage poor Toby was to be in.

This is past enduring,—Durst you hit me in the teeth—or mur­mur—you Son of a Whore? I'le slit your nose.

Have a care you know the Act Sir;—Slit my nose quoth a!—That's pretty I'faith;—Slit my nose quoth a!

Hell and the Devill; this 'tis to employ our Senyants: a man had [Page 7] better be at the necessary Charge of a procuring friend then trust 'em;—For when once they know your Secrets, and that they are absolutely necessary in doing you a kindness, they grow more Sawcy then a Rich Citizen to a young Student that owes him money; and so at last they become more Ma­ster then your self.—Know you Rascall, who I am; and who you are?

Yes, yes, Sir, I was your Servant; and now I am not your Servant; and so as I said before, as by way of Complement, I am your humble Ser­vant.

How! you hungry Scrap-eater, what mean you Rascall? I'le swinge you,—This shall bring you to a better knowledge of your self—

Nay Master, hold;—Oh the Devill, Sir,—Oh for heav'ns sake Sir,—as I hope to be sav'd 'twas all in jest,—pox on't—Nay now Ma­ster, you over-act your part too;—I beseech you a little Cessation from arms, as I hope for mercy from you now, I thought no harm: too much is too much.—Sir, to be as short with you as I can at present, your business is done be­yond Expectation.

So; at last, you have spoken to the purpose; but I thought thou hadst known that it is as ill jesting with an hungry Lover, as an hungry Ly­on: For if once you Tantalize him with his prey, if possible he Seizes on his keeper. Remember this, and take it from me.

Nay Sir; no doubt but I shall remember I took it from you: plague on this Lyon-way of Civility tho' for me.

And now Sir, as you hope not to use a Surgeon, or to look like an old mangl'd fencer, with your pate embroider'd with hacks and slashes; and perhaps the disuse of a member or two, let's have no more of these Bawdy-house tricks; and here for this time I strike a league with you, and now let me have a faithfull account of Dorinda and your proceedings.

Now the Devill take me, if I can forbear telling this Master of mine the Business: 'plague, t'would ne're vex a man to have a broken pate, if he's well paid for't. There's some Conscience in this,—

Well Sir, to the Business.

In fine then Sir; (as a man may say) I have taken up Lodgings for you at my Lady Fancyfulls, that Pageant of formalities; and monument of Antiquity; she who deports her self so amorously towards every body; who's still mustring up her hundred thousand sweet-hearts, pretended pre­sents, and Love-letters, which she always carrys about with her.

Then as to Dorinda.

Why things are in a very fair way there too; she goes without the least suspition, and her disguise sits upon her so agreeably that you'd almost be deceiv'd your self in her.

And is Loveby in Town?

Yes Sir; well Sir, I say no more;—You'r a happy man.

Sings:

I'me glad of it for some private Reason:—I suppose by this time, he's very much reform'd.

O Sir extreamly; he drinks bloodily, Swears devoutly, and wenches like a Gentleman; for whereas he us'd to keep a brace of punks or so, now instead of them he deals with half a score, and that he may still have a fresh supply, when he grows weary, he quarrells with the old, to pleasure a new Mistress; and so he Intends to lye round with all the women in the Town by degrees.

What at your old tricks?

Mum, mum, Sir.—

All things have hitherto fortunately met my Expectation, the rest must be partly effected, by my own Care and Conduct; See that all things are in readyness at my Lodgings and wait for me there.

Sweet Mr. Toby, yours.

Mrs Primrose, Yours to the Antipodes;

So sharp set this morning; when comes your Master to his Lodgings?

This morning I think, he bid me wait for him here; pox, I care not when he comes; O when shall I come into the Closet of your affections?

Come, pray Mr. Toby let's have no more of this Lip-work; If you turn a kissing-fool I shall begin to suspect you are good for nothing else;—But prithee how long is't since you left your old Master Sir Thomas?

Ever since I liv'd with this—Prithee when wilt thou leave thy old Mistress?

Faith e'en when she'le keep me no longer—I understand your Master is a Servant to Dorinda, the young innocent Country Lady.

Yes, he's as great an admirer of Innocence, as thou art of fine Cloaths, or an handsome smug-fac'd fellow—what's become of that knot of fools that us'd to haunt thy Lady?

Why some will be forth-coming anon; we have a leash of choice cull'd Asses;—first there's Old-fop, one that was knighted, that he might appear more Eminently a Coxcomb.

What? he that is of kin to Dulhead the Booby, Esq. that lately arriv'd here?—This latter is so Silly an Ideot, but for the interest of some Court­friends, his Estate had been begg'd long e're this.

Right there's a brace, and this dough▪bak'd fool is to be Intro­duc'd I near by his Cousin, as a Suiter to my Lady: Next; there's a super­annuated fondling, that has liv'd to be twice a Child; one that number'd more years then he has hairs on his head.

Old Waspish you mean; why he has not had the use of a sence these ten years; he's a deaths-head; and enough to put one in minde of mortali­ty, and then he's so feeble he seems to bend beneath the weight of his Cloaths.

He neither sees nor hears, without Artificial helps; and if he chance to finde you speak, and he hears you not, he Immediately conjectures you abuse or deride him; then he falls into a passion, and grows as pettish, as one lately recover'd from a long fit of sickness, he fancies himself a great humourist, and thinks that, together with the writings of his Estate, which he always brings with him, sufficient to attone for all his folly and Imperfe­ctions. Ads my life, stand back: here he comes, with all his trangums about him.

So, so, very well I protest; very well I protest; 'tis you Mrs Prim, speak not a word yet Mrs. [...]rim.

Not too loud Mrs Prim.—now tell me of pretty little Florella;—Ah! 'tis a Rogue, a pretty Rogue, I fack:

My Lady Sir.—

O fye Mrs. Prim. not so loud, not so loud; I warrant you think me quite deaf, I say you think me deaf, no such matter; O fye, fye, you make as much noise in my Ears, as the Trumpets of Six Troops of horse. I'me a little thick of hearing, 'tis true: O Come, come, here's a Six-pence for you, a Phillip and Mary; a fiue peice, a pretty peice, a very pretty peice; Nay, nay, you shall take it, a pretty peice I vow: so, so, now try again Mrs. Prim.

My Lady Sir—

Very well, very well, I protest; exactly in that tone, in that pitch; let's bear it Mrs▪ Prim.

My Lady is gone to the Park this morning, Sir, for a walk, but I expect her home within this hour:

Uds bodykins; Carrion, Strumpet, laugh at me; I protest, laugh at me when I have been so generous, Snoons speak not a word, not a word,

Come here;

I forget and forgive—

Sir I've a grievous Cold, and am so perplext with a tickling Cough, I hope you'l excuse what I cou'd not avoid, Sir.

Yes, yes, Come Mrs. Prim. all's over, all's over—Come let's here the rest Mrs. Prim.

You may assure your self you are not the least in her favour; for you were the last she spake of when she went to bed last night; and the first this morning, when she rose.

Say you so, say you so, I protest; Incomparable Creature. Divine Charming Florella:

put her in mind of me Mrs. Prim.—I know she likes my pretty Innocent humours, Come hither Mrs Prim. kiss me, Udsbodikins kiss me I say:

kiss me you Rogue,—I know she likes my humours, I'le tickle you, Udsbo­dikins I'le tickle you.

I can hold no longer—

What again? Snoons grant me patience, Devill Incarnate, what do you mean?—I protest unsufferable, give me my money again, or I'le give out you robb'd me;—I know the marks and can swear to the peace, Snoons—

I must after this old Monkey, and sooth him into a better humour if I can

Prithee stay, I can't be without your good Company, your Con­versation is so Charming:

Sweet Mr. Toby; your good nature will ruine you.

Not when I bestow it on one who will be gratefull, and make suit­able returns▪

No fooling; I must try to pacify and secure this pettish old Cox­comb: Sr. John Oldfop will be here I suppose, within this half hour; And shou'd they meet, he'd snub him and torment him, to that degree; he'd fly from the house, as from the Plague; and my Lady wou'd loose great part of this days diversion.

Faith they are a brace of pleasant old Coxcombs, and make a more Comicall figure, then the most accomplish'd young Fops she cou'd have met with.

SCENE I.

ARe you sure you dogg'd her into this house?

Yes Sir.

Faith the little Rogue has fir'd my blood; she's young and beau­tifull as an opening Rose; and has such pretty wanton Rowling eyes, But withall such an over-ruling Modesty.—A temptation like this wou'd make a Saint stand on his Guard: For my part, I must confess my frailty.—I can no more forbear Importuning this new beauty, then a Rook can fleecing a new Cully;—I have no other Business for you now; about two meet me at the Eating-house.

Mr. Loveby here! Nay, then here's some intrigue in hand; my life for't, the young Country Lady is the mark he aims at, his hankering about a Lady's door is as certain a signe of some Amour there-abouts, as a mask in the Pit is of a trading Wench.

A good morning to thee Primrose, is thy Lady at home?

Yes Sir; she came in just before you; and the other Lady you saw in the Mall this morning.

How the Devill came she to know that?

I can tell you this for your Comfort, your market's fore-stall'd; there's a Gentleman lately come to Town, has given earnest for her already.

No matter; 'tis not amiss to know how the Prizes of the Markes go tho', that a man may learn how to make his bargain the better another time. But seriously art thou sure the Lady's dispos'd of?

He seems to be something Concern'd;—

Sir, 'tis report­ed [Page 12] so I'le assurs you.—It fares with a fresh beauty in this Town, as with a fly fluttering on the top of the water; you shall [...]e forty sparks rising at her; and 'tis ten to one, if some one does not chop [...]er down at last—

—I vow Mr. Loveby I wonder at your fancy, that amongst so great choise of riper Clusters you should pick out green grapes.

Pox; this hungry she-Cannibal is fasting this morning, and has a mind to breakfast on mans flesh—

—I am sorry I can't oblige you; you must understand we men of great dealing, carry but little ready money about us.

I perceive you misconstrue me;—If you did but hear the Ladys talk of you, as I have;—They say you are the wildest most Unconstant Wenching Gentleman, that ever came to Town.

In that they wrong me; for I stand with open arms ready to embrace every kind she that comes by.—If there be any Inconstancy, it is in them, in flying from me. I'm sure I am as civill a person to 'em, as any I have heard of; and do intend to oblige 'em all, as fast as I can.—The De­vil's in't if this be Inconstancy.

The very thing they upbraid you with; they say you always Un­gratefully deseit an old Mistress; tho' she had been ever so kinde to you, if you have but the least prospect of a new one.

Faith; In my Opinion they're a Company of Unreasonable Crea­tures to desire a man to wear out his whole life in the service of one, when there are hundreds that expect the same kindness;—An old mistress, like a Cast-suit is to be worn on rainy days only; but to be thrown off and lay'd by when a new one shines on us.

O living dear! I wonder he stays so long from me, I doubt he's unkind.

No Madam; I dare pass my word for the Gentleman, he is not, for he is here, or one at least, that can boast of as noble and gen'rous a passion for you; as the greatest Idolater of your fair eyes.

He has her as Cock-sure as if she was between a pair of sheets with him;—With what an awfull respect he approach'd her; with what a pro­found Reverence he bow'd; what a Softness and languishing he wore in his looks.

O living Sir; I wonder you'l offer to do so; you made me start at the very sight of you; I never saw you before in all my life.

What Country-Innocence is here?—

—It proceeds Madam from the shortness of your memory, and the Coldness of your Affections, that you have so soon forgot me.

A person of a becoming boldness; and has the looks and breeding of a Gentleman,—aside—O Gemini, Sir, and do you know me indeed? I can't believe you, I vow and swear now.

I had the honour to kiss your fair hands in the Country, Madam.

I am amaz'd at his Confidence. On my Conscience he never saw her till this morning; I wonder what fetch he has now?

Primr se help me out, or I Gad I'm gravell'd. What Country-wo­man, her name quickly?

Horrid! Sir, have you no Conscience?—Her name Dorinda, near Canterbury in Kent.

Dear, Dear Dorinda; and have I slipt out of your memory since I saw you in Kent last.—How do all our acquaintance near Canterbury?

A forward Gentleman—

—But do you know me indeed and indeed now?

Perfectly well, Madam; and I came to wait on you to present you with a new Song.

pardon my Ambition Madam, that I dare approach so much Divinity

If she has but one Iuscious touch, of his melting lip, She's lost for ever: It will dissolve and distill it self into her heart, in a warm shower of Love.

If you offer to kiss me, I vow and swear I'le Scream out as loud as I can: I wonder you'l serve a body so; you Gentlemen have no modesty I think.

'Tis not fit we shou'd, such young Ladys as you have so much of it, that had we any, we shou'd never beget a Right understanding betwixt us;—Madam, be pleas'd to use me as your Servant; to shew you the splen­dour of the Court; the Celebrated Beauties of the Drawing-Room, and the pleasures of an high-Mall.

Mr. Loveby here, and so intimate already with Dorinda? Indeed I observ'd he wheel'd about us, to day, like a Kite that often sails round the same Circuit of air, when in quest of her prey—

—What Sir, treat­ing about Love; methinks you have made haste to be so forward, on the road already.

Madam, in Business of Importance, we usually ride post; was I to dispatch a weighty affair for my friend, I'de not ride a dull Carriers pace; Love's upon the wing, and must be nimbly pursu'd.

Indeed forsooth I believe this is one of the Sparks you spake of, he was so rude, he wou'd have kiss'd me.

I thought a person worn so much by the full-blown Beauties of the Town, wou'd not have made a stoop, for so young a Quarry. I must con­fess the Lady has a great favour, but to Converse with a Beau-garcon; one of your Accomplishments Sir.

Madam; I can't complain much of my ill fate;—Some women think me worth picking up; my only misfortune is, your opinion is diffe­rent from theirs: I shou'd be Compleatly happy did you approve their choice.

Madam, there's a strange Gentleman within desires to speak with you.

Tell him, I wait on him.

This Mr. Loveby wears such Charms about him; it will be as difficult to E­scape him; as 'tis dangerous to love

All Certainly that have the honour to know you, must applaud [Page 15] and envy 'em for't.

Madam; did not I know your Influence on our Sex, and that you turn'd our Love into Ridicule, I shou'd be so vain, as to think you had not really an Aversion to me.

O fye Mr. Loveby, this from you?

But you are one of the topping, reigning Beauties of the Town; an Impregnable fort; not to be taken by the Sallys of Wit; nor even the brisk attempts of Love and Honour: You from your exalted height can look down with a Contemning Smile, on your Shipwrack'd Lovers, toyl­ing and beaten about by a tempestuous Sea.

A Blustring peice of Rhetorick this; and very fit for the descrip­tion of a Tempest,—

—If you did but see how prettily you look'd, when you spake it—laughs again.] With that Demureness I warrant you, and Compassion in your looks, and such dying eyes; really it is Im­possible to hold out long, against so many Charms; we shall have you fall into a fit of Ryming anon.

Madam, Madam, here's Sr. John come.

Dear Madam, I kiss your hand ten thousand times: Mr. Loveby, your most devoted Servant; you are a great favourite of the Ladies; this Lady yielding you the honour of her Conversation, is a confirmation of it.

'Tis you Sr. John are the Idoll of the fair Sex▪ you Charm their Eyes, and Captivate their hearts; you'r the Sole commander of all Loves Troops; we are but Idle spectators and admirers of your great Conquests.

I have Contracted a familiarity with some persons of quality in this Town: they do me the honour to use me as their Servant in publick.

Now's this Conceited Fop, ready to boast of kindnesses he never Receiv'd.

Let us but sooth him, and be urgent with him upon the point, and he'le be so vain as to tell us, he has debauch'd all the great Beauties at Court.—He'le make the Drawing-Room his Seraglio; tho' he never arriv'd to the ac­quaintance of a Change woman; or his Seamstress—

—and in pri­vate [...]oo Sr. John, a person of your Jantee Insinuating way, must needs be ta­ken into Consideration.

I must confess I have an Intimacy, with some particular Ladies that shall be nameless. We women's men, never boast of your favours Madam—

O Sir; you men of Intrigue as well as Souldiers, learn to know that silence is your first word of Command.

Madam, You've hit my humour—

I thank you for that [Page 16] Lady: I gad I had almost forgot to tell you of a pleasant accident be­tween me and a person of quality, in Hyde-park, lately: I side-glass'd her, and kiss'd my hand to her.—I gad, I never saw her to my knowledge in my life before:—She Immediately sent her Page to me with a Billet-Deux; wherein she begg'd the honour of a meeting: and this very Lady, I have appointed to come to my Apartment; within this half hour.

Then we shall loose the pleasure of your good Company, Sr. John.

No dear Madam; I'le disappoint her, to Regale my self with the gallantries of your Ladyship—I know her Excess of Love will easily form an excuse for my neglect.

Ahgra, besht tou here joy? By Shaint Patrick I did think thou didshst lost me.

What is the Lady come, Sirrah?

Lady, Lady; what Lady joy?

A pleasant Scene towards:

You Ignorant Rascall;—Why the Lady I bid you wait for with her Coach and six; attended by a very great Equipage.

Ecpash! prithee Joy phat is dat? thare be no such wort in Ireland, by my shoul:—I did shee no Lady, But I will go fetch thee a Lady in a Coach if thou wilt joy:

Ahgra; by Chreesht I did forgot; thou do'sht mean the Lady, thou disht bid me say, was come to see thee.

This Rascall Mr. Loveby; this thick-scull'd fool, Madam, does not well understand English, and so did not take my meaning.

So it seems.

My watch speaks not the time of the appointment yet, it wants half a quarter.

If thy wash did shay sho: I wou'd make beat on thy washes pate; and tell him, he did lye to his faish, look thee joy.

Run Immediately,—

Hey Rascall; take your message with you.

I did take my message when I will come back: Thou didsht bid me run firsht.

Whither, you senseless puppy?

By my Shoul, I know not; but I will run to Ireland for thee, if thou wilt Joy.

Heark you; Run to my Lodgings and stay there till I or the La­dy comes: Do you hear Sirrah? mend that damn'd Bogg-trotting pace of yours:

Madam, I am troubled with this Inanimate Clod of Irish-Dirt.—I but keep the poor Rogue for my [Page 17] Diversion when I am out of humour; the awkard Fool serves to make me laugh.

Pox; I trifle away my time with this gay-plum'd Parrot. I must have the other Encounter with this pretty little Innocent Creature. Her fair Image glides thro' my eyes into my heart, and has there left the deep Impres­sion of her dear self.—Methinks I feel strange motions within me; pray heav'ns they prove not the qualms of settled Love.

The Son of a whore my Taylor, Madam; has cut my Coat damnable ill. Bungling Puppy;

He has no Genius Madam: The fancy was wholly mine: How do you like it?—But for the proportion of my Body the Rascal has render'd me ridiculous.

I protest Sir John, you're extreamly well drest; and ev'ry thing sits on you, so nicely exact; and with such a becoming Air;

How the Peacock spreads his

Plumes and strutts.

Madam, I labour not to be Scandalous,

But ridiculous.

A Gentleman ought to be known as well by his garb, and man­ner of dress, as a Bully by a black eye, a Buff Belt, and a long Sword; Ma­dam, I am happy this my dress has gain'd the Reputation of your applauded judgment—

but shou'd be Infinitely more so, could my person ob­tain the Approbation of your Love.

I know this gay nauseous Coxcomb wou'd be harping on that string—

Sir, it is more then a Conquest even to yield when you Invade: The Honour you did me this Morning, obliges me at least to pay an Acknowledgement; Sir, you have a peculiar way of Gallantry.

The women are pleas'd to think my manner Novel and taking—'Twas a humour not Vulgar by the young fidling, Serenading-Fops of the Town; In confidence of which I took this freedom, knowing in Justice I ought not to serve any woman before your Ladyship.

Incorrigible Fop.

You had the Virginity of the humour—For which Madam I might with some pretence Claim a right to yours, by way of Retaliation,

There I think I was full patt and home upon you, I Gad.

Fulsome fool; He takes this for wit, but he deserves for his Im­pudence to be swing'd by Footmen: But the pleasure of laughing at him shall be his punishment.

Madam, I would not tempt you to that dull unfashionable forma­lity of Matrimony, had not I a true English Blockhead a Cousin of mine, to be the Screen to your Honour: Providence ordain'd fools for Husbands, that [Page 18] the kinde Ladies might without Scandall Converse with and gratify Men of Parts and Breeding.

Dear Sir John, you are too obliging really.

He has the Proverb on his side; and can joynture you well: But if you think not his Estate sufficient, I'le add four or five hundred pounds a year to 't, the satisfaction I shall receive from your Charming Conversation will pay me back with Int'rest.

Dear Sir when comes he?

He is now in Town;—I'le borow my self from you a little to send for him;—Dear, dear Madam, pardon my abrupt departure.—Think not my absence tedious, upon my honour I'le return Instantly.—

I think I shall not; this is a strange conceited Coxcomb; he's a mint of folly; and Coyns himself new fool ev'ry minute.

Madam; here is old Waspish; and has brought with him the wri­tings of his Estate. I put him into a strange fit of anger to day; and have but just calm'd him.

Tell him we'l give him Auidence.—His humour will divert the cloying thoughts of the others; and give a new pleasure;—Bless me, sure 'tis fool-fair.

O Mrs. Florry, Mrs. Florry; your humble Servant, sweet Mrs. Florry.

We must take care how we vex him; he takes fire at the least spark. Wellcome Sir—

Say you so, say you so; very well, I protest very well.—Nay I think you like my humours, my pretty little Innocent humours;—Uds­bodykins, you'r a Charming Creature; a fair, brisk, sprightly, lively Creature—

You little Fubs you; you Pug you; I protest I love you.

And there are those that have a passion for you Sir, but Modesty will not let 'em speak.

I cannot contain, I shall laugh out-right, I've almost bit my lips to pieces.

Come, come, I protest, Confess, Confess; I know who spake of, who last; when somebody went to Bed; and first when she rose this morn­ing; ha! ha! you little Fubs you; you Pug you; I'le bite you; I'le bite you

Good I protest, very good I protest; I got the pit, &c.

Pardon me Sir; I protest you have such pleasant humours; you'd kill a body with laughing.

Ah! I protest; I knew you lik'd my humours; you little Fubs you, I'm sure you like my humours.

Now for a fit of railing.

Ha, ha, ha, here's an old fool; a nauseous, old, and an humour­some fool as he thinks.—Damn the Rogue, I'le laugh at him.—

He does not perceive him yet, here's fine work towards.

Pox; he has not the use of a sense; a rotten Carcase that is al­most buried in the ruines time has thrown on him. I hate to see a Nauseous old fool, Madam, I wonder you can endure his Impertinences.

I use him only for my Diversion; as my Monkey, or Shock-Dog.

Should you bring your monkey, yet in my opinion you'r a pretti­er figure your self, and far more diverting.

Snoons, snoons;—I protest he abuses me;—speak Mrs. Prim. He abuses me; Udsbodykins a Fop; an old worn out Court-fop—He abuses me!—Snoons,—Snoons.

Pardon me Madam; that I cou'd not pay my Devoire's to you before;—This damn'd old Fool, has almost put me out of humour;—My Cousin will be here presently Madam to wait on you.

Pox; Fancifull here! She'le be a worse plague then the other. Come Madam; let you and I retire.

I must beg your Excuse. Here is a stranger I must pay my respects to.

I'm glad Sir, you like your Lodgings; I vow I cannot Choose but stare on you; with a little more then ordinary concern: You'r so like a former Servant of mine; I cannot but admire his picture in your person. Pardon my rudeness:

I'm glad Madam, I can contribute any way to your satisfaction; Heav'ns, She'l bait me to death;

Your servant Sr. John: Your servant Madam.

Plague on her Unseasonable Civilities; now must we be trou­bl'd with her Impertinences. She's a sheet of Rivell'd parchment, on which is Imprest a perpetual Almanack. By her you may know, when we shall have wind, rain or snow; and all the alterations of weather.

Madam we have business; and we shall buy no pedlars ware.

Pedlars ware! I'de have you to know, here's nothing but what is al­most of Inestimable value—Do you call this Pedlars ware?

So nows she's in.

Pray Sir, do me the honour to hold this a little; I'le shew you as Choice presents, as the most Celebrated Beauty of 'em all. Here's a Locket of Diamonds, that was given me by Sir. Thomas Court-hard.

They are false; and the Locket is not worth above a Guinea; Damn her; she'l put me out of humour.

I wou'd not that Sr. Thomas heard you; He give me false stones?—Then here's a little pocket-glass of my Lord Modishes; cas'd with beaten Gold.

Be rul'd by me and break it;—Shou'd you look into't it; you'd certainly run mad the next minute and hang your self.

I dare look in't, you see; without the danger you speak of. Then here's a Lock of hair of my Lord Passionates; which he gave me a little before he dy'd.

O keep it, keep it; you may have use for't.

Then here are three Rings, a Seal, and a Watch:—O dear, and here's a Love letter of Sr George Fair-titles: Do but hear what a fine penn'd thing 'tis.

Damn her, I shall rail out-right presently; affected Fool, Come Madam will you go? her discourse Nauseates.

Indeed you shall not go, and leave me alone with this Gentleman.

I understand you, Madam; we'd rid you of that trouble: Come pray will you honour us with your Company.

Thou hast releas'd me from one Curse, to plague me with a greater, did not the Company of that dear Saint sweeten it with a blessing that far exceeds both?

Madam, the favour of your hand.

I cou'd better afford it that Gentleman.

A Rude Uncivill person; Sr. Frederick Wilfull wou'd not have serv'd me so:

Well, lye thou there good Sr. George, and Sr. Thomas, there; My Lord Modish there; My Lord Passionate and the rest in their order. Once I was Courted

—But none now a days are held in vogue, but young ill-bred, tawdry things, that can wantonly, rowle their eyes, play with their head, heave up their breasts; And that delight in Obscene Closet-peices and [Page 21] lascivious Poems,

and yet methinks these features are not so ill design'd;—This brow is high and smooth enough; And these eyes sparkling; These Cheeks have the just mixture of the Rose and Lilly—

—and if I am not Mistaken, here's a lip as Red as a Cherry:

—my teeth indeed are not so white and even: But youth it self sometimes has its blemishes.

SCENE I.

A Woman to be believ'd? yes, so is a Courtier when he promi­ses you preferment; or a crafty wheedling Tradesman when he commends his Commodities to you upon his Credit.

Why, Sir, Sir—he certainly dreams and talks in his sleep:

Why you rail more furiously against your Mistress, then you wou'd at a Punk that has clapt you: and because she admitted Dulhead but now, tho' meerly to laugh at him, you're grown as jealous as a Tradesman newly mar­ry'd to a plump juicy Wench in an University.

She's false, false as hell. Should any one assert a Woman could go to Heav'n, I should suspect Providence, Embrace Atheism as Orthodox, and sound Divinity; and make it my Creed that all things were govern'd by the uncertain whirl of blind chance.

What Sir, are you turn'd Fanatick, that you rave thus against the Civil Government of your Mistress?

Perfidious Florella, the Common Custom of discountenanc'd Fools; how respectfully did she entertain that Indigested lump of Ignorance; How she smil'd when he spoke; enough to inform the dull Mast with new life and Soul, and seem'd to applaud ev'ry thing he said.

Heav'ns bless this Master of mine, we shall have him picking of straws within these two days—Sir, Sir, if you are come to your self and know your humble Servant [...]oby—

take my advice and go cool you in the Garden: you'le boyl o're anon, and betray your self to your Mistress.

Yes, Sirrah; I will discover my self, upbraid her to her face; Charge her with her knot of Fools, Curse her heartily, resolutely leave her, then fly into some obscure Village, mew my self up in a lonely Cell, and there rail at her, and her whole Sex with my last gasp of breath.

You had best run stark staring mad with causeless Jealousies, fall in­to a fit of despair, hang your self in an ill humour, and to cross a good old Proverb, go to the Devil in a string.

My humour will not bear with your fooleries at present.

Mum, Mum, Sir, Mum;—A pox on these pettish Lovers for me—

And my bus'ness requires you to be serious.

Then observe me, Sir, I'le undertake to manage this bus'ness to your satisfaction: I'le render Dulhead, if possible, more Ridiculous, Choose Oldfop of a blessing on my endeavours, and fright the easy Squire, and the Lady Fan­cifull into a fit of Matrimony, and thus make your access so easy to your Mi­stress, she shall fall into your hand, and lye and wriggle there, like a trout when tickl'd.

'Tis Impossible.

For you to be convinc't; But Sir, since you startle thus at a Bug­bear of your own creating, leave the success of your Amour to me; If I do not bring her to your Arms, may I despair of the smiles of a smutty Kitchen-Wench, and for my default, undergo the severity of Whip and Bell, with the turn-spits.

I scorn the spoils of a Mistress, procur'd for me, by the Stratagems of my Slave, as much as I wou'd the honour of a Tryumph, when I had ne­ver the Courage to be in the Action: Shou'd thy mean Conduct bring her to a Surrender, she'd fall so low in my esteem, that I shou'd think her beneath my Consideration.

But Sir, 'twou'd not be amiss to have a Scout to view the Posture of the Enemy.

True; but I'le post my self so honourably, that if I succeed, the greatest share of Glory gain'd in this Conquest shall Crown my attempts: Wherefore I'le immediately forge a Letter, and therein tax her with Pride, and Inconstancy, wound her Reputation, and withall, insinuate to her, I have provided my self with a Mistress, far more Beautifull, and one that suits near­er to my Inclinations.

Zookes, ply her there, Sir, the day's your own: Enter your Troy, and take your Helena: If she's not your Captive, I in revenge will grow lou­sy in spite of clean linnen, turn Pimp in good earnest, and so devoutly dye in an honourable and publick Employment.

Mr. Toby, your humble Servant.

Mr. Toby: Now do I know by these kinde words, and that ominous smile, I've a Reverend Office to be thrown upon me.

Here's a broad piece that was given me by Sr. Oliver Richmore—look on't—'tis a very fair piece; I'de not have parted with it to any breath­ing but your self.

Pox; I know the Devil was sending me on an Errand, and pays me with Gold. A pox on his kindness—a fair tempter this Omnipotent Gold, I'me thy humble Votary.

I hope Sir, you've remember'd me.

Madam, I've been bruising my brains for you; and I have at last contriv'd a plot, which I have just brought to Maturity, that cost me not a few pangs in the production.

I shall not be ungratefull, sweet Mr Toby.

But to back my design, it wou'd not be amiss to muster up all your Charms; which I grant of themselves are sufficient to bring the most stub­born heart into subjection.

Your goodness makes me blush seriously—But to put in practice your seasonable advice, I'le instantly to Florella, rail at her for entertaining Mr. Dulhead, possess him with an opinion of her double-dealing, and make my advances of Love with all the passion Imaginable: Your Servant—be mindfull sweet Mr. Toby.

A very Am'rous Creature! was I a Magistrate, I'de have such a wrinckl'd scare-crow set up at ev'ry Bawdy-house-door, to frighten young Sinners from the Forbidden-Fruit of Whores-Flesh.

Hast thou had any discourse with his Man about the particulars of his Master?

Very little yet, Madam, But here he is, very opportunely, and your Ladyship may be Inform'd of every Circumstance.

Do you belong to the Gentleman that came hither this morning?

Yes, Madam.

How long has he been in Town, Friend?

About two days Madam.

'Faith my Mistress is for have at all.

How long does he design to stay?

Madam, my Masters young Lady Dorinda can give you the best ac­count of that, were they link'd; which this day he designs to effect; his [Page 24] grand affair is over.

I must contrive to put a rub in his way: What's his Estate?

Report says, five thousand a year.

A very fair Revenue, tho' not perhaps equall to the Merit of so compleat a Gentleman.

She comes on a-pace;—Little does she dream of the Snake in the Covert; If he once lays hold, he twists round her in so many painted folds, she'l ne're be able to disentangle her self: was my angry threatning Master here, how wou'd his heart Caper at the harmony of these kind ra­vishing words: I'le Instantly to him, and acquaint him with it.

I have hunted her thro' every Room 'ith house; Perhaps she's herded here: Madam, your servant.

O your Servant Mr. Loveby; I question not Sir, but by this, what with your soft melting words, and the powerfull Rhetorick of your bewitch­ing tongue, you have wrought the young Lady to a Complyance.

Faith, Madam, you'r all so Cruell, and willfully obstinate, that a man can no more hope to bring you to a Treaty, then the Grand Signior the Emperour, after his many and signall victories.

A Souldier of Fortune as you are, must not always expect Success to wait upon his Arms; tho' doubtless your victories are more Considera­ble, then your defeats.

Your Beauties may boast it, Madam; but we in this Lottery of Cupid find an hundred blanks, for one prize.

But you men of Courage and perseverance, weary out Fortune, and force her to be kinde, and then you trumpet out your Conquests to the whole World.

True Madam; fortune may wheel about at last; but the prize we get is often too mean to defray the Expences we havs been at, in the prosecution of it: and were it worth our concealing, like a politick win­ning Gamester, we shou'd go off without the least mention of our success.

Was she so Inquisitive say'st thou?

Yes Sir, and in such a melting plyant humour, you might have moulded her into what shape you pleas'd:

Cou'd I gain so Considerable a treasure as you Madam? discretion, as well as self-Interest, wou'd bribe me to Secrecy.

Heav'ns what do I see? my friend courting my Mistress, in my sup­pos'd [Page 25] absence? his I finde is like the common freindship of the world, that always bends to the Interest of his passion.

What damn'd ill luck's here now? Fortune plays at cross-purposes with us, I think.

Your Haggard Love, flys at all games.

Madam, a small encouragement from you, wou'd lure me back, and teach me to follow a constant Quarry; and then should my flame, like that of lamps, shut in an Urne.

Pardon me Sir; when once you come to your flames, and your Si­milies 'tis time to leave you.

I can no longer bear this killing sight; I'le disturb 'em: Madam, you—

S'death Sir, are you distracted?—

For heav'ns sake stay and see th' Event first; This may prove nothing but an harmless piece of gallantry.

I know it cannot be; for none can look on that face and not love.

Let me beg you coolly, to Consider on't within; If he discovers himself, all's ruin'd; then shall I be stript and sent naked into the wide world,—but not without the Discipline of an hunting-whip, besides pumps and Blankets, do so run in my head: Sweet Master, retire.

If I go not quits with you and your minnion.

Why what a damn'd, outrageous senseless Coxcomb is a suspicious Lover; Now does he fancy his horns are budding out already;—Heav'ns grant things fall out luckily, but these plaguy Plumps and Blankets, will not out of my head yet.

A delicate Creature, every way agreeable; But tho' this has most wit, yet the other has most Innocence; and I'me sure equall glories of a face; This may cost me as long a Seige as Troy did the Greeks; and besides, I wou'd not basely wrong my ab­sent friend, The other may be won with less expence of time;—But pox, I never approach her but my thoughts are pall'd with frightfull Matrimonys.

Fools are plenty, I finde, they come in Couples:

What pieces of pageantry have we here? A brace of Asses in guilt trappings: I dread the sight of a fool as much as that of an old Mistress; his presence is far more Intollerable.

Pardon me dear Madam; that I thus rudely intrude into your privacy, without giving you notice of my approach.

Very fine Udsfoot:

O fie Sr. John you make me blush, really.

Madam, your blushes add new Beauties to that face, which be­fore had Charms enough to confound all Mankinde;—There I was the beau Espirit: I Gad, I could not avoid being witty: your pardon Lady—

'Tis easily granted; you'r so seldome guilty of that fault:

to reply Sir, wou'd but give you a farther proof of my weakness; I can but admire you in silence.

I shall leave you and my Cousin here together, to treat about this affair, your acceptance of his Address has given me the glimps of a plea­sure that I shall esteem, the blessing of my whole life: I have provided the Fiddler; and I'le beg leave Madam that things may be in order.

Get thee gone for an eternall Coxcomb;—Here's this other fool stands like a mortal wrote in Finsied Ginger-bread;—Only that is much the better spark of the two. Your Servant Sir.

Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars; I am yours forsooth; how do you like me now? Am not I taring fine?

Awkard fool.

—Extreamly modish, I'le assure you, Sir.

Pardon me dear Madam, &c.—

Dull Eccho of affectation and nonsense;

I shall come to Confound her presently—

—How do you like me now forfooth! how do you like me now?

O Extreamly Sir; you may be sure.

Then Madam, I say the acceptance of his address—Udsneaks, I think I'm almost out,—of this address—The glimps I Esteem;—Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, I think I'm our I fags;—You know my meaning forsooth.

As well as if you had spoken it out.

I'le make amends for it in the next: Your blushes add new beauties to that face; And therefore Confound you and all mankind. Sun, Moon and Seven Stars, how do you like me now forsooth? I think I've tickl'd you off, Udsfoot.

So, so, he's drawn off to the Lees, and all's out at last: now will he be as mute as a Turk in the presence of the Grand Signior; or if he chance to speak, 'twill be like a Country-Clock, once in an hour; tho' not so much to the purpose.

How do you like me now forsooth? [Page 27] I warrant that Gown and petticoat Cost a woundy deal of money;—Sun, Moon and Seven Stars—how do you like me now?—Can you swim forsooth?

A very pertinent question to a woman;—I'le swear you've a very pleasant way of courting.

Ay forsooth; I hate to talk of nothing but love:

A man is so put to't there; to hunt for fine expressions and soft Amorous Speeches.

Now you talk of hunting; we have the finest pack in the Country, brave Musicall deep-mouth'd Dogs;—Udsfoot—I love hunting woundily; you shall hear me hunt the whole pack.

This is dismall, the noise of a pewterers shop, a Bell-frey, or Paper-mill, wou'd be very silence to this.

Is not this pleasant forsooth? Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars, how do you like me now?—Now forsooth you shall hear me Imitate the particular yelpings of ev'ry Dog: This is Kill-buck: Now here's sweet-lips: here's Ringwood. And here's my Bitch Venus at last: Udsneaks, she opens as sweet as your Ladyship.

Sr. I beg your pardon I use so much familiarity with you, upon the slender acquintance I have with your person.

A well-bred, well-spoken Lady, I fags.

Now must I be struck deaf again, if I stay with the Larum of her perpetuall tongue.

Madam, I am asham'd to see you use the Gentleman at this Scurvy rate; I over-heard your jears.

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; I scorn to take an affront of any Lady in Christendom—

He'l beat me anon.—

I observ'd your proud disdainfull looks; your Indifferent behavi­our—Your Servant sweet Sir.

And thus indeed you entertain all your servants; as if mankinde was made but for your diversion.

A parlous woman Udsneaks.

'Tis well known, Madam; I've had as many Servants as any Lady between this and Tweed, as I may say; And I ever receiv'd 'em with all the Civility and Ceremonies Imaginable, Seriously. You ought to respect a person of his Quality and Education;—Your Servant sweet Sir, your servant.

She's in the right on't Udsfoot, forsooth, if you go to that; Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars, how do you like me now?

This is not generously done, to supplant me thus; but I shall leave you to feast upon your happiness, and go mourn my own misfortunes.

Really Sir, you're extreamly well drest. This is very rich; pardon me sweet Sir—

This is a very fine Lace;—pray what might this Suit Cost?

I fags I cannot tell, forsooth; But it cost a power of money for­sooth; Sun, Moon and Seven Stars,

Seriously my Lord Modish had just such another suit on, of all the World, when he first made his Court to me.

How greedily do's she feed on those nauseous scraps of Love? A stale Maid, will Catch at any Fool, rather then lead Apes in hell.

Leave the rest to my Management;—I'le spring the Woodcock, I le warrant you.

Dear Sir, pardon me;—I must leave you,—Extraordinary Busi­ness calls me aside, Sir,—You'r the only Person I cou'd love to Converse with, in the whole Town seriously; your servant sweet Sir, Dear Sir.

How now Toby; how now Toby? Am not I woundy fine;—Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how dost like me now?

You out-shine all the Town-sparks, and they'l make you the Modell and Pattern of all your gallantry.

Will they so? they count me a fool mun Toby, they count me a fool.

And they'r much in the right on't—

—well Sir, you have made a fine business on't yonder; my Lady is ready to run mad; 'tis a sad thing for Gentlemen to have the ascendant o're their Mistresses; pray hea­v'ns she does not mischief her self about it.

Mollify a little, Sir; be not so hard-hearted.

Who I Toby? I hard-hearted? I scorn her words: I'me as good a natur'd fellow as lives, If I'm pleas'd, that I am. Tell her, I can forgive her: How dost like me now, Primrose? how dost like me now?

Faith Sir,; I've the prettiest thing come into my head, just now.

What is't Toby? what is't?

'Tis a humour Sir, you'd top to a hair.

If it be a humour, let me alone for a humour; I'm old Dog, at a humour, Toby.

O dear Sir; My Lady is strangely taken with pretty odd humours: She'l dye with laughing at you, Sir.

You know Sir, your Couzen Sr. John has provided an Entertain­ment; now I've a disguise for you.

Say no more, let's about it, let's about it. I shall make speciall sport

Toby: Come, come, Sir, 'twill be very taking I warrant you.

This Olio of humours, will afford us an excellent feast of Mirth; we shall laugh our belly's full; Bless me! here comes Waspish to contribute to't; I'le raise a tempest in him, Immediately:

Mortgages, Mortgages; Bonds, Bonds, Bonds; very well I protest; O, Udsbodykins, here are the writings of my Estate proper; let me see,—

—well, it goes all to Mrs Florry,—my pretty little Florry. Udsbodykins wou'd I were at my my 20th. year again.

I'le quickly put you in another tune, Sir.

Snoons, what's this? who is't? Snoons the Devil; I'm abus'd; Villains, Theives, help Murder, murder.

Have I caught you, have I caught you fury? Snoons, forgive Mrs Florry—I'le hang my self; Snoons, Snoons.

Why wench, thou hast us'd him unmercifully: He roar'd as loud as Perillus in his Brazen-Bull.

Pray Madam, let's remove this fool;—I have as great an Antipathy against an old fool, as some persons have against Cheshire-Cheese, or a brest of mutton;—I'm ready to swoon at the sight of him.

On perill of my displeasure Sir, let him alone.

Go fetch the fiddles in.—

Ay, upon my Maker will I joy; and dance all the way.

Ay by my Shoul, you must not come in, my Master did but send for the Fiddles look thee—

Sing the Song I order'd you.

Madam, there are some persons, that can answer the Character.

Come thou hither; second-hand fin'ry.

How now Impudence; why sure I'm not fall'n so low in the esteem of mankinde as not to be thought the fitter person to Dance with a Gentle­man;—Sir your servant, I hope I may Claim the priviledge of your hand.

Pardon me Madam; I profess I did not see your Ladyship; Other­wise I should have taken care to have avoided you—

No excuse Sir; I'm satisfy'd 'twas an oversight: Your servant sweet Sir.

They say jealousie is quick-sighted;—and sees with as many eyes, as Argus did,—I'le observe ev'ry nod, smile and glance, that passes between 'em—

Some Groom or Footman dress'd up to amuse us; Kick the [Page 31] Unseasonable, Rascal out,—his mirth is dull.

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; Do you know me for­sooth? How do you like me now?

Seriously; I blush to see the Gentleman so far barbarously us'd;—I'le Immediately after him, and give him to understand, how your Lady­ship derides him.

Madam, I hope you'l pardon the Confidence of a stranger, If his Curiosity leads him to take a view of those perfections that all the world admires.

Sir, I'm very Certain; there are many thousand of a Contrary Opinion to your self. I cannot but wonder at the strength of your Imagina­tion, that cou'd so suddenly create those perfections you speak of.

Pretty little one, why do you shun me thus? You fly me as a trem­bling Fawn wou'd a Tyger, or a Lyon. I do not pursue you to make a prey of you, but to love and embrace you.

Indeed now I do not know what you mean by your fine words, But such a brave Gentleman as you, cannot love me sure.

You need not question the possibility of it, when you have already taken possession of my heart.

I Confess Madam, I have given my faith to a young Lady already; but now I must blame my ill Stars they did not first guid me to your Ladyship.

O Sir, they were not such blinde guides, they saw better things for you.

O Gemini, I can't endure you shou'd do so; You make me blush that you do—Let go my hand, or I vow I'le scratch you.

'Twill be policy now to retreat, and not to tempt my fortune too boldly; 'Tis in Womans nature to shun those that fly them—

Madam your eyes are nimble Archers; and your Cupid is very Powerfull, shou'd I discourse longer with you, I shou'd turn Rebell to my first flame, and then you might as well suspect I wou'd be false to you too.

Wou'd you put in practice the former, I'de put the latter to a ven­ture, and believe you, tho' I were deceiv'd by my Credulity.

Have you any thing to do with that Lady, Sir?

Some small bus'ness only to require the Restauration of an heart.

The Lady Sir, is a propriety.

I have hopes to the Contrary.

Unhand her Sir; I wear a Sword:

So do I Sir; in honour of this Lady.

Fy Gentlemen, do not render your selves guilty of so great a Solecisme in good manners, as to offer to draw in company of Ladys.

You may hear from me.

My Sword Sir, stall answer you.

Thus will I deal out my Love to you eternally; and to you alone—

Conceited Fool; he's grown as old in foppery as in years. He has not heat enough to melt the Snow that lyes on's head.

And I dare swear Madam, he'l sooner stand in need of a Nurse himself, then give any Lady an Occasion to use one—

Doubtless Sir; I were over-happy, were I but assur'd of your Constancy.

Did all the tempting Beauties, Joyntly strive to seduce me; by heav'ns Madam, they shou'd not draw me to a disloyall thought.

I long to be rid of this fool▪

Sir, I've business within; please you go.

I wait on you Madam,—But I wou'd first inform you, that I purposely Contriv'd this match, that you might enjoy the freedom of Love without the Scandall that generally attends our married women; And besides I have always had a greater respect to your birth; and your own particular person, then to make the dishonourable offers of keeping to so noble a Lady.

SCENE I.

HOw lik'd you my Gull Sir?

I receiv'd I confess an unexpected pleasure and satis­faction from thy Improvement of the Blockhead; he was too dull a fool to move laughter before.

O Sir; Did you but conceive how I wear this brain away in your service, from whence Inventions hourly work out like froth from new-bot­tl'd Ale; but I'm a man of few words Sir, of few words.

No more of this; but d'ye hear, as you hope to continue in my favour, do you go on to expose him in so many Ridiculous shapes & changes, that she may despise and scorn him, tho' he cou'd joynture her to both the Indies.

Whereupon I immediately make to my property; possess him with an opinion of his last performance; and so draw him into greater absurdities: But Sir,—

when you've gotten your Mistress; I shall not be your Steward, I warrant, and have the priviledge to cheat you by way of licence.

Be gone; I'le hear no more.

And put false bills of account upon you; till by my Industry, I'me possest of the better part of your Estate; and stand in Competition with you, in point of precedency, and of being thought the better Gentleman.

You'l go—

I fly, I flye, Sir:

I shew'd 'em such, &c.

And how did you finde your Mistress? Is she not as I told you, Yielding upon Terms of honour think you?

O she was in a melting temper;—But I've so Unjustly and Scan­dalously abus'd her in my Sham-letter, that if she discovers me I'm dis­carded for ever.

You had best betray your self to her, by your unmanly fears; like a Murderer that delivers himself into the hands of Justice.

Certainly my ill Genius set me on writing it, what a madness was it else, to wound the darling of my Soul; the best and tenderest part of my self; but what doubles my griefs, is to finde my freind perfidious at last.

Pardon me Sir, If I differ in opinion from you in that. I'm per­swaded the Gentleman is as far from being perfidious, as your Mistress from [Page 34] giving him an occasion of being so.

I perceive you're brib'd to speak for him, by your Love.

Were it so; I need not be asham'd to own my flame.

Take care Dorinda, his tongue has a Charm in it; and tho' he has the face of an Angell, and the shape of an Cherubin; yet his black swoln heart within may be fill'd with rapes, treacheries, and dark designs.

You do ill to accuse your freind, before you know him guilty.

I cou'd wish I had not too just an occasion to suspect him; But I shall take some measures as well to clear my doubt, as to Justify or Condemn the honourable thoughts you conceive of him.

I know not to what Extravagances his jealousy may hurry him; But if he aims at his life, he strikes at it thro' mine. O Loveby, Mr. Loveby; there's not a letter in his, name but has a Charm in't.

I am deceiv'd, or I heard the name of Loveby; and know it must proceed from her mouth, for softest Airs of Musick attended the sound: why all this coldness and scorn in your face on a suddain? pretty little one.

O living dear, you always steal upon a body, and do so fright me.

'Tis strange, Madam, that I shou'd be so dreadfull that at the sight of me, you shou'd be fill'd with such frightfull apprehensions: I have no swin­ging long tayl, horns and Cloven-feet.

Indeed now I'le not stay with you, if you talk of such ugly things.

Prettyest Creature, Dearer to me then my own eyes, I'le speak to thee in gentle accents, soft as those of Love-sick Virgins, breathing out their Souls in tenderest expressions, & caress you gently, as the Morning-dew falls on the opening Rose, or the fleece of snow on the bosom of the cold vale.

O Gemini! I vow now you say such pretty things of all the world as Mr. Bellamore did, when he converted me first.

And dear little Lady, why may not they have the same effect?

Indeed now, I cannot tell forsooth Sir, You [...]ake me blush.

Pretty Modesty—

O living dear, I would not stay any longer with you, for a World, shou'd Mr. Bellamore come and see you, he'd kill you, indeed now—and I am so afraid he shou'd kill you.

Kindly fear'd Nay, dearest, you must pardon me, if I hasten thus to enjoy my happiness: There's no one but wou'd arrive at Heaven as soon as he cou'd.

Indeed now, but if you will go to Heaven, you must dye first.

And that I cou'd an hundred times for you, had I so many lives, [Page 35] was I sure but to pass the last few transitory minutes in your dear arms.

O Leminies! I wonder you are not asham'd to rumple ones Cloaths so.

Oh horrid base persidious Villain; Monster of Falshood:

Nay, your Ladyship may partly thank your self for it. As you ten­der your quiet, Reputation, and Honour, Madam, I beg you'd bridle your passion.

Madam, your Servant; you have an angry Cloud setl'd on your brow; whence do's it proceed?

I cannot look upon you, Sir, but I think on the Cursed Cause of it.

I hope forsooth you're not anger'd with me; I'le go and see after Mr. Bellamore and tell him, that I will.

I'le after her, I must not allow her time to cool again.—

Madam, I'me sorry to see you thus discompos'd; and am much more so, to finde the sight of me, should be any way the cause of your discontent.

Did you observe with what Indifferency he left you, Madam?

Fortune has debarr'd me from the Conversation of witty Men and set me up the mark of Fools; she baits me with Apes and Monkies, and I've no sooner shook off one, but a fresh one flys on me with all the fury Ima­ginable.

So, so, now the wind rises.

And they fasten on me by turns, with noise, Impertinence, or dull insipid humours, which they take for wit: Methinks I hate all mankind for thy sake, perjur'd Craftmore; Oh that I had thee here; I'de tear thee in pie­ces, thus, false-hearted Traytor.

There's a way to be reveng'd, cou'd you think on't, Madam?—Think on Revenge,—Revenge is sweet, Madam. There are other Men in the World, as Proper, Beautifull, and Rich as he, every whit.

Thou hast put a strange thought in my head;—Here's one Mr. Bellamore in this House, Servant to Dorinda.

So, so, now is all this blust'ring o're, and she's veering to another quarter. Had she as many Lovers, as there are points in the Compass, she'de run 'em all over in half an hour—

—Your Ladyship has observ'd very well.

What thin'st thou of him Wench?

O Madam, He's a sweet-tongu'd Gentleman, he'd ravish any wo­man alive.

Dost think 'tis feasible.

Then his limbs are so exactly form'd, so smooth and plyant, you'd swear they were made in Wax. There are Legs, Arms, Shoulders, and a body straight as an Arrow:

This sets her a-gog.

I am resolv'd to try my chance—Could we but contrive to put Dorinda on Loveby, my passage were clear. I'le presently into the Garden, where we may be private and discourse him about it.

It succeeds I'le warrant you, Madam—Vastly Rich they say, of a great Family, and an Education equall to both. Ne're fear, no veins of flint grow in his heart.

I have resolv'd what to do;—I'le send him a kinde Note; wherein I'le signify that a certain Lady has a passion for him. And see how he enter­tains that, and make my advances accordingly.

My very thoughts, Madam; something may be learn'd from his Man—seem you nothing concern'd: Entertain all your fools as before, my life for't you have your design.

One can no sooner speak of a Fool; but he's at hand:

I warrant you forsooth; you took me for a fool, I'm a man of no humour—

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; how do you like me now forsooth?

How Insipid is the most diverting Coxcombs, when we have di­stemper'd minds, like meats to sick pallats they are all tastless:

Sir, you'l spoil the humour, by making it too common.

Madam, Compose your self; and don't let slip the satisfaction you may receive from the performances of so compleat a Blockhead: Folly after discontent is a sweetning rellish, after a bitter potion.

Forsooth, don't you remember a strange person in an odd sort of habit but now; that was I forsooth; I warrant you did not know me. But observe, if you hear or see any one speak or do any thing, and all the Com­pany laughs, to be sure that's I forsooth, that's I.

Incorrigible fool.

Madam, you drive the humour too far.

Nay, If you go to that, there be those that can value themselves, Udsfoot, I can be as touchy as another, that I can; Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how do you like me now? Farewell to you Udsneaks, if you go to that.

Rascall, Dog, If you can't lye for your dayly bread, I've done with you; let me not have you making four faces like a jugler Swallowing knives, put on your praying face: The Demureness of your looks will San­ctify a lye.

O Conscience, Conscience, this Master of mine will damn me, that's for Certain.

Chreesh't blesh thy shweet faish; I vil lye for tee joy, what shall I lye for tee?

You cannot now, Madam, let sullen discontent sit on your brow, when you have so many ridiculous objects before you, to dissolve you into laughter;—So, now it begins to clear up again—

Madam, some Extraordinary business maliciously detain'd me from the prospect of so much gallantry; some few short visits I've paid; and let me dye if I could have rescu'd my self from the Importunities of the fondlings, but upon urging my engagements to your Ladyship.

Dog; Remember—

You grace me with your favours, and dazzle me with all this bra­very;—You're extreamly proper, really Sir;—Tynsy'd Ass—

Severall persons of quality at Court, think it no discredit to their wit and parts in the mistery of dressing to imitate me.

Pardon me Sir; If I am too curiously bold.

Indeed this is very fine.

A trifle bestow'd on me by a Dutchess I danc'd with lately at Court.

O I will lye now Immoderately; forgive me sweet Conscience; Sir there is a Lady,—true; there's an Equivocation—

—most affectio­nately desires—ay, good, no doubt, but she does affectionately desire some­thing—

—To speak—'Tis sure, If she's enjoyn'd Silence

with you Sir;—O lo, Olo,—that's a damn'd lye now—

So that's gone.—

Did not I Command you Rascall to deny me to all that enquir'd after me? Her business, Lodgings, and her name?

O lo, O lo; why there 'tis again;—why there 'tis now;—One Madam Cleverwit, that lodges at Mr. Draper-wells, over against the Royall Exchange;—O, I lye, I lye, I lye;—

And she begs the honour of a visit this Afternoon, so that's gone too—

Ay by my Shoul and Shaint Patrick; I will go shee if thou dosh't lye for my mashters shweet sake; if thou dosht not, I will make beat on thy fathers Child, look tee dear joy.—

Excellent sport—

Let me not detain you from the Arms of your Mistress, All the Ladys I finde, make their Court to you.

They're all beneath my Consideration;—No Madam, since my Conversation with you, I nauseate their despicable amours;—I'le redeem my stray heart; and divorce me from their Cheap Vulgar Love; and the Circle of your Arms shall be to me, that of the whole world;—Go on Ras­call, do you stick?

I will not hope it;—This Crevat Sir, Is point de Venice, the work is high, and the flower very agreeable.

A slight piece to appear in at the Play-House, or so: An Italian Lady presented me with one worth six of it.

Mercy on me, no Equivocation:—I will lye abundantly; have patience with me good Satan—

—And this very Lady Sir, has sent you this Ring—O lo,—o lo.

Improbable Sham, this is a present from himself to himself.

I was almost worry'd as I came hither, have patience sweet Belzebub—

—One sends her Footman to me; the other her Page—I lye—

—A Third her woman. O lo, O lo, I have two or three swin­ging lies to come yet; Do not twinge me good Conscience.

This is extravagantly ridiculous.

A fourth begs and Intreats me: In short, Sir, they're grown so troublesome, I cannot go about your business for 'em—O lo, O lo, there all's out; I have discharg'd my Conscience.

By my Shoul joy I did run to de plaish dere over against de great plaish,; And I did ask after de Laady, but tere wash no such Laady, by my shoul thou disht lye very much well for my Mashters shweet sake.

Blund'ring fool, who sent you on this Errand? Madam, he has mistaken the place, you may finde by the account he gives; Dull, Incorrigi­ble sot.

Upon my Shalwation, now I shwear by my Maker, and by him that made me, and by the Devil take me too, tou dosh make beat on poor

Much good it may do me.

I shall leave you forsooth; If you go to that, Udsfoot: I am a Per­son [Page 39] that understand how to take an affront: Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars; how do you like me now? I shall leave you Udsfoot, if you go to that.

O me! what did he say? what a trembling seiz'd my heart, oh, oh,—will he leave us?

What means this?

He is distasted Sir, at some words I dropt unawares.

Fool wounds deep forsooth, with men of my temper.

You must bear with such petty affronts, I have been call'd a thousand Fops, Fools, and Asses by Ladies e're now: Come; you must be reconcil'd to her.

I am woundy good-natur'd: I can forgive you forsooth: how do you like me now, Couzen Sr. John?

Madam; I perceive the Ass is fickle; and he may disappoint our long expected joys by his folly;—I'le take order the writings be drawn, and all things in readyness for the Solemnity:—please you to walk dear Madam.

Dear Sir; I thought you was going to deprive us of your good Company, and leave me here, to mourn your absence.

No, no; I'm reconcil'd Sweet Lady.

Sweet Lady;—A fine spoken Gentleman, that word has Reviv'd me;—I wonder at the ill breeding of Mrs. Florella, to abuse a Gentleman of your quality, worth, wit, and Beauty.

Of my worth, wit, and Beauty; Udsfoot she understands me I finde.

That's more then ever you your self did—

Sir, I protest, of the number that ever made Love to me; (and I'le warrant I've had an hundred) you're the only person I cou'd ever fancy.

Udsfoot, this face has been doated upon by fine Ladies, forsooth, I must tell you.

Oh Dear Sir, I'm Convinc'd of that by my own affections: But as I was saying, you're the only Gentleman I admire; tho' I confess my Lord Sparkish was a fine person: Sir Tymothy Long-Title had his peculiar graces too; Dear Sir, you've an Extraordinary white hand, and your fingers are so like Sr. Thomas True-Shapes, seriously.

So, now there's another blaze of her passion; it rises by sits like a wasted Candle when 'tis burn'd to the snuff.

But here comes my Engine;—I must withdraw.—

Dear Sir your Servant, Servant sweet Sir.

O Toby! how is't Toby; Did not I humour the business to a hair just now? Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, how dost like me now Toby?

Faith Sir, I was ready to split my sides at you. Did you not observe how all the Company laugh'd as soon as you appear'd?

My Cousen Sr. John was angry with me for't; But he's a fool man: He does not understand an humour Udsfoot.

Have you found his Equipage where I laid it out for you.

Yes, yes; begin, and I'le second you.

Sir, you may think your pleasure of my Lady, but I can assure you she admires you for your shapes; and she's always running 'em o're: and praising 'em to her self, tho' she says you'r something gross.

He's a little Corpulent; but that's easily remedy'd; I'le undertake to make you less by 3 Inches in a quarter of an hour: It wou'd not be amiss if your ears were par'd a little.

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, my ears Toby? why, they are not Asses ears; no, no; but I care not, If I be taken less by 2 or 3 Inches.

The Gudgeon bites.

I'le do it for you, Immediately Sir; Come please you to uncase a little.

Draw in your breath Sir,—Very well—I'le warrant you this will do it.

Why Toby; Udsfoot thou wilt squeeze my ribs flat: oh, oh, oh: Udsfoot I shall not be able to fetch breath presently. Thou hast taken me in above 2 Inches, O, O, O, what a pox dost mean Toby? slack a little; I shall ne're be able to endure it, O, O, O!

Nere fear't Sir,—He begins to come to 't;—here's a shape now; here's a wast, Clean and slender, — as a Mast-pole—

I believe my Lady is bigger round—A delicate shape on my word.

Come Sir, we have but four holes more; patience Sir; patience:

O, O, O! Udsneaks Toby, I think I begin to leak at the lower End, O, O, O, hold, hold, hold, my heart will leap out at my mouth, If thou goest one hole farther.

I warrant I'm tal­ler now then I was, by 3. or 4. Inches, Udsfoot, O, O, O, don't I shoot up?

An 'twere Sparagus, I can see you grow: May I ne're hang pendant in Ladies ear more, If I think you have your fellow in the three Kingdoms.

Uh, Uh—

Unconscionable Toby, [Page 41] what dost mean? O, O, O!

Have patience Sir, you'l quickly master this; If I had a minde to 't, I cou'd draw you through a Gold Ring, like an Egg steept in Vinegar; come Sir, I'le bate you a hole or two; So, now I know it sits easy:

Thou hast Crampt him I faith

Now we are gone so far Sir; we I set another humour on foot, what say you?

I was just thinking on't Udsneaks;—

What think you then of Personating a despairing Lover before your Mistress; I have a willow-Garland ready for 't, And a Copy of Verses so pat to the purpose, 'twill be admirable, Sir, 'twill be admirable.

Udsneaks, O, O, O,—so 'twill: But I fear I shall ne're be able to Compass it, for as I'm a Gentleman, I cou'd ne're endure a written hand in my life,—O, O, O.

Leave that to my Instructions; Come let's in and practice.

I shall be apt, Toby; I shall be apt; O, O, O, there was a twinge: Sun Moon and 7 Stars, how do'st like me now Toby? how do'st like me now?

Excellently well Sir, along, along:

Senseless Ideot! well; this must needs prove very pleasant; I'le not discover it to my Lady, the surprize will make it much more diverting.

Bless me! here comes the old angry Baboon, his fit's not over yet; this beat­ing of his Mistress, sticks in his stomack still.

O Unfortunate, Unfortunate; Snoons, Snoons, I'le hang my self, Cut my throat, drown my self; No a little Rats-bane or Sublimated Mecury, Snoons Unfortunate, oh, — oh!—Let me see— O Mrs Prim, stand my friend Mrs Prim, not a word yet Mrs Prim.—

Now to make this Scene compleatly Comicall, what device Shall I have? O! I have thought on 't—Sir: I doubt 'tis beyond my power to Reconcile my Lady, she vows never to see your face again: Oh if you had but heard the wishes she utter'd 'twoud have made you tremble.

Oh, oh! Do not let me hear 'em then; 'twill be the Death of me, oh, oh!

There's one way left yet;—Come Sir, be pacifi'd. You talk'd but now of hanging your self; wou'd you be rul'd by me you shou'd Coun­terfeit the thing; and so exactly; It shou'd turn more to your advantage then you dream of.

Udsbodikins, say you so Mrs Prim. any thing, Mrs Prim. any thing; But how may it be done?

Why look you; 'tis but to be hung by the Arm-pits; holding your head a little on one side; pulling your handkercheif over your face: strugling, kicking, and heaving a little.

Udsbodikins; It must needs melt her into Compassion.

Then come I; Scream out as affrighted, cut the Rope, Chafe and rub you; and give you some Spirits, pretending to fetch you again; The Garden door will be the fittest place, because my Lady's now there; she'l be sure to see you Sir.

A pretty Contrivance, I protest, A very pretty Contrivance; This must needs work upon her;—Come, come, Mrs Prim.

And Madam; may I firmly rely on what you say?

As on your Creed Sir, She's strangely enamour'd of you; She was infinitely taken with you this morning in the Park, and since, I have o­verheard her talking of you to her self, like an Usurer, recounting his dar­ling Sums.

Upon this Assurance, Madam; I'le push my designes on more vigo­rously: But I fear the little Baggage will be talking to me of that Bug-bear-Matrimony; shou'd she put it home to me; I shou'd be apt to play the Fool, and take the marriage bit into my mouth, if I cou'd not prevail otherwise.

O fye Sir; I hope your designes are honourable, upon this Condi­tion I promise you my assistance: But otherwise, I utterly disclaim it; She's an Heiress, and has a plentifull Estate I hear.

Is not the first Fortune has been stoll'n you'd say.

She came this way, and the privacy of the place will allow me the opportunity of disclosing my Passion more freely: If she seems cold, which my last Interview confirms me almost she will not; I can fall off as fast as she; or if she offers to make it publick or expose me, I can deny it every word: Ha! Sdeath, Loveby! I am Confirm'd now he is false.

Faith, Madam, I cannot despair of success, Influenc'd thus by the Encouragement and assistance of your Ladyship: You'l be faithfull and con­stant to your fair promises; —your Servant Madam: —

So, he's sure, —and now he's devoted to my Service. By this means I shall be Reveng'd of that base faithless, black-mouth'd Libeller.

I'le Crush this monster Loveby, or loose my life in the attempt. Friendship I finde is an Aiery notion, that ne're had any other Existence, then in a few letters, the decoy of fools, by which they'r wheadl'd into a be­lief of the integrity of those very men that intend to prey upon 'em.

This is an happy opportunity; I'm resolv'd I'le take the advantage of an Innocent freedome.

Hold! Yet this Charge may be rash and groundless; I'le try my fortune; but first, down swelling heart—z.

— so, now I'le venture to speak to her; You'r walking here pensively; thus alone, Madam, seems to speak you possest with Cloudy Melancholly.

But the approach of you Sir, guilds my face with smiles, and drives away all those Clouds you speak of, 'twou'd be as impossible to be sad in your presence, Sir.

As for a man not to be in Love in yours, Madam.

I shall not be so vain, as to think you speak the reall Sentiments of your minde, since I understand your Love is all dispos'd of already, to one who has greater Charms and merit, to recommend her to it.

This is strange and unexpected, she gives ground apace; this seems to suit with the purport of her Billet. But both perhaps may be forg'd, on purpose to make me discover my self; but I must believe her when 'tis my Int'rest to do so—

I see by your grave Consideration you begin to repent the Charges of your Complement, and the least intimation of your Dorinda, has soon brought you back to her arms.

Madam, I confess there are some small obligations between us; But your Ladyship might lay far greater on me by honouring me, with the Ti­tle of your Servant.

The request is so modest, I shall not deny it.

By heav'ns I'm Conqueror at last; I have now the alluring prospect of all earthly Joys before me, and a few gentle steps, will bring me to the Enjoyment of 'em; I am come now to somewhat of a knowledge of my self; and am fully Convinc'd, I have wrong'd both my Mistress & my Friend.

you Remember the tone.

Udsfoot Toby: I'le tune 'em I warrant thee.

Go on Sir, yonder she is; How he moves along, as stiff as tho' he was in a Case of Wainscot.

What have we here? O'tis Toby's Machine.

reads.

Sun, Moon, and 7 Stars; how do you like me now forsooth?

What's this? the Pageant of a forsaken Lover, Madam? I wonder you cou'd be so hard-hearted, to drive such a handsome witty Gentleman into despair, ha, ha, ha!

O my Conscience 'tis Dulhead; 'Twere pity Sir, but you should be, as good as your word.

The Psalm's ended.

If he would but come to the Execution now.

Do you know me forsooth? Sun, Moon and Seaven Stars how do like me now? Was my Couzen Sr. John here now, he'd think some body put this into my head now, O, O, O. I'le find him out, and shew him the humour, and make him wonder at my Invention.

Madam, please you to walk this way: A very pleasant Garden: We are now in a kinde of Paradice.

Udsfoot, what's here? has Waspish hang'd himself? I warrant if he's found out he'le be try'd for his life; I saw a pure Watch he had to day: I'le borrow it, till he has occasion for't again, O, O, O. First let me try whether he's Compos Mentis or no.

Theives, Theives, I'me robb'd, Murder, Murder.

O, O! Ghost I defy thee, O, O, I shall be hang'd that's certain: Udsfoot I'me dead, I'me dead; Ghost I defy thee, O, O, O.

The noise came this way—

Ha! here's the old Gentleman hung up like Erasmus, between Heav'n and Hell; See how he twirles round like a Sparrow roasting at the end of a pack­thred; ha, ha, ha!

I'm confident this is my womans Roguery.

How she has tortur'd the poor old fellow!

Come Sir, I'le save you from the Gallows for once; If you will not make good an old Proverb, and cut my throat for't

Snoons;—I'le hang you all—O my disgrace, O my shame,—Udsbodikins, I'le e'n fall sick of the fullens, go to bed and dye with grief, snoons, I will.

O Madam the strangest News.

We have seen your device already.

'Tis not that I mean, Madam; Do you know that Gentleman? 'Tis Mr. Craftmore.

Am I betray'd—

—This is pleasant I'faith, what does your woman mean, Madam?

The very same o'my Conscience wench, ha, ha, ha! how cam'st thee to finde it out?

Madam, I intercepted this letter by Chance; please you to read it, 'tis directed to him: Mr. Loveby I hear has given out that he's return'd from travell.

O this negligent Rascall, my Cormorant; and am I betray'd by my Friend too?

What means this unreasonable laughter?

Your unreasonable presence Sir; You may put off your disguise; poor Mr. Craftmore; I swear you are an excellent Man at an Intrigue: Now wench the business of the letter, and all is out.

Do you see any one making Asses ears behinde me, or have I a Fools Cap and Bells on? You wou'd perswade me I am not my self.

No Sir, I wou'd persuade you, are your self.

Well, Madam, I am the Man, if you'I have it so.—But I was never so mistaken in my self, all days of my life before. Do you hear Madam.

Adieu Sir, Da, da. poor thing, wou'd it have a wife?

O my damn'd careless Rogue, and more damn'd treacherous friend. [Page 46] 'Tho' he did not know of my coming to Town, yet he reported it at a ven­ture, perhaps on purpose to further his own designs—Distraction, Distra­ction, Hell and the Devill; I shall run mad.

Hey day! what's come to you now?

My hopes are all Shipwrack'd, I'm barbarously Wrong'd by my Slave and my Friend.

Pardon me if I think you brand his Reputation.

Ay, doat on him still: and may he be as great a plague to you as she has been to me.

Passion, passion, meer passion, and nothing else; Be advis'd, and hearken to reason.

Ha! what's that? and was her Innocence only pretended, and her simplicity affected? The Sex had been amply Reveng'd, had she put false Dice upon me; Pox, this is some Country-Wench of a decay'd family, and craz'd Reputation;—One that he has debauch'd, and now wou'd put her off upon me, or any one that wou'd be fond of being ruin'd;—'Twas well I discover'd her; else this Algereen might have taken me with her false Co­lours, and made prize of me i'faith.

I cannot bear the reall falshood of a pretended friend, therefore I'le demand satisfaction of Loveby; and if he cannot defend himself with his tongue; let him if he dare, with his Sword.

Anger is a short madness; and 'tis ill trusting a weapon in a Mad­mans hand: Let either fall, I suffer loss, in this of a Relation; In that, which is ten times more of a Lover: I'le try all ways Imaginable to prevent the threatning ills; and be sure to Examine all their motions, with a Curious eye.

SCENE I.

THe Devil's in this slippery Jade, fortune; how she juggles and plays fast and loose with us: If I cannot bring things about again, I must e'en shew my threatning Master yonder a fair pair of heels;—One of my Fools, I think I have pretty well manag'd already; he was shrewdly terrifi'd with the apprehensions of old Waspish's proceeding against him, and posting into the Country; whereupon for a pretended disguise I have equipt him with an old Rusty Suit of Armour, which I accidentally met with in the house here; and he struts about, and is as proud of it, as a new-listed foot-Soldier is at the first putting on of his Calico-sash, and great stinking Brass­hilted Sword.

Hum,——hum—hum—

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, how dost like me now Toby?—hum—hum——

Oh, It does rarely Sir; only let your gate be somewhat stiffer, your steps larger, and your head a thought higher.——

Admirably well Sir; Be sure you remember the terms of Art I gave you, your words of terror, and so forth, and you are a compleat Bully.

Mum Budget—I warrant thee Toby; Udsfoot I shall be a terrible fellow——by Garagantua, Gog, and Magog, hea Toby, hea boy, hea.

To a hair Sir, you do it to a hair; I'le leave you to your practise.

Hum! hum! Udsfoot, but if he shou'd discover me at last, and apprehend me, he wou'd certainly hang me; and that wou'd be a disgrace to me all days of my life after—Udsneaks, I had as good into the Country yet I think.

Fanci. How, into the Country, did he say? O my misfortunes, I am lost [Page 48] for ever, fall roof, and bury me quick in thy ruines—

Hum! hum!

By this dear hand, you shall not go: For upon my word that Business of Waspishes is made up; He is pacifi'd, and has forgiven you.

Hum! hum! hum!

I am amaz'd both at the strangeness of his Dress and behaviour, se­riously—But oh that Florella, had you heard how she abus'd you.

Hum! Buz, Udsfoot, I shall be a woundy Bully: How forsooth; Did she so, I defy her—hum! hum! She takes me for a fool belike—hum! hum!

She is like the rest of the young giddy women of the Town that doat on empty Shallow fellows, fine Cloaths and meer out-sides; and never Consider the inner and nobler Beauties of the mind; and have no respect for persons of merit, such as your self Sir.

Hum! hum! An Incomparable Lady: Say I met him now; I go up to him, and run full drive against him thus: Then I twirl his hat thrice round his head, and give him not a word but Mum Budget:—hum! hum!

His rude Deportment Confounds me, totally, totally: Sir I per­ceive; I do not engage or attract your thoughts:

Hum! Hum!

Please you Sir to honour my Apartment, I can shew you some small Monuments of my former Servants favours; As a Cabinet of Ebony, the Re­pository of my Jewells; a Scruto're inlaid with Ivory, and studded with Gold—Besides some choice pieces drawn by the best hands in Italy, with my own Picture at the upper-end, and all presents seriously.

Hum! She is woundy rich: I'le have her, tho' I lose my Estate by it.

Madam, forsooth, I am in love with you, and will marry you: Toby told me of your perfections before.

Your Servant sweet Sir, you are the only person I cou'd hope wou'd marry me—

—I'le to my Apartment, and put things in Order for your Reception. Your Servant dear Sir, your Servant.

Udsfoot, here's my Cousen Sr. John—he I not know me trow. I'le Bully him—Udsneaks, I'le Bully him—Hum! hum! hum! &c.

Hum! hum!

What vulgar Rascal has been practising upon the Insensible?

Hum! Buz!

What a pox ailes the Impertinent?—He is Infatuated; By [Page 49] heav'ns Infatuated;—Blockhead will you break forth into the Solution of the Enigma.

Mum, Budget—hum! hum!

Confound the Irregular Sot, what does he mean? Heark you Sir Diego, my Don Fungoso,—

Nay then; by Gog and Magog; Garagantua, and the twelve Cham­pions of England: Francanado:—

Ounds forbear;—

Passado:

What the Devil, Couz!

Palizado:

Hell and the Devill,—why Cuz. I say, Cuz.

Slashado;—

Hold, hold,—

Parado;—

Ounds, are you mad?

Slapado.

What a pox; nay, nay, nay.

Strapado, Rapado, Bastinado.

Help, help, what a plague:—hold, hold.

No, no; I am a Fool, a man of no humour: How do you like me now, Couzen Sr. John?—Passado, Strapado, Rapado, Bastinado:

Nay what a Devil, hold, hold:— prithee Couz. lay by this hu­mour, and surrender up thy self to attention a little: Here will be some wri­tings presently which you must set your hand to; the Lady expects you, and all things are in Readyness.

Mum, Budget—No I defy her Cousin Sr. John, I defy her, I have a Lady that is an Angel; and has a woundy deal of plate and Jewells.

Confound her: I fear Fancifull has set upon him with all her noise and affectation; she is the mother of time; and was Nurse to Eves first child.

Popum Buz: Say you so Cousin Sir John, I can scarcely believe you tho'.

A meer toy-shop, a Change; and tells you of more Lords & Knights, that have been her Servants, then ever were heard of since the order first came up.

Then I defy her; I'de have her to know I defy her; I wou'd not have her tho' she had a heap of Gold as high as the Monument; Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how do you like me now? Cousin Sr. John.

I shall take care to secure you, lest my designs are frustrated:

A few swift-wing'd minutes will bring my Lawyer hither, and then I shall expect your ready Complyance; now will I prepare to feast and wantonly [Page 50] Riot on all the luscious Sweets of Love.

Udsfoot, this is a parlous woman: If the old puss had gotten me into her Clutches, she'd have claw'd me off woundily, I fag.

How is this? By what I hear, his Cousin Sir John has work't him off from the Interest Fancifull had in him too; It must be my Business to bring him on again.

Hum! hum! Mum Budget: hum!

Heav'ns Sir, you're fortunately met.

Why Toby, what's the matter? hea Toby!

O Sir, A Damnable plot against you.

Ha, ha, ha! Is that all poor Toby, ha, ha, ha! That this fellow shou'd be such a fool to think I cou'd not smell it out, ha, ha, ha!

Well Sir; you were certainly born with a caul upon your head, else my Lady Fancifull,—

Had made a Fool of me thou think'st: Popum.

All mistake Sir, all mistake; Do but hear me.

I defy her Toby; I defy her; No; I am just come to the point of a­greement with Florella;

That is the very thing I came to give you a Caution of: For Sir, you must know your Cousin Sr. John has Contriv'd to make you signe to a Conveyance of part of your Estate; and intends to put Primrose upon you, and marry Florella himself: Here she is to witness it.

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, a deep designe I fags; a pestilent Con­trivance: But Toby; I thought on this business my self man;—Good wits will jump.

What he has told you, is very true; upon my word Sir, But they cou'd not win me to so base, so treacherous an Act.

'Twou'd be a Master-peice to Countermine 'em, and blow 'em up with their own powder.

Udsfoot, I was just thinking on't Toby.

Therefore the better to further your purpose, do you seem to assent to every thing they propose: But what ever you do be sure to secure the writings in your own hands.

Udsfoot, so I will;—Thou art a very honest fellow for this, Toby; ha, ha, ha! I can't chuse but laugh to think how woundily I shall surprize 'em:—Lericum twang, Buz. ha, ha, ha!

So; this Business is done effectually:

If the Blunderbuss go off; I'le engage he does Execution.

No doubt on't, when he is so dangerously loaded by your worship.

Say'st thou so, my little Nymph-tutelar, of the Dressing-box and [Page 51] pomatums, my gentle vestal 'oth Fires of Quince and Marmalade;—this ral­lery so becomes that pretty mouth of thine; that I gad Childe I am so in love with it, I could e'ne kiss it again:—

—But after all, Gad you must stand to me in this Business of the Letter, or I must ne're look my Ma­ster in the face again.

Oh dear Mr. Toby, the Constancy of your love, and the Sincerity of your passion, cannot but oblige exceedingly.

Look thee, here's a Letter; and I have Counterfeited the Superscrip­tion so exactly, you can't distinguish it from the true: possess thy Lady, this was a meer forgery of thy own, and to Convince her, give her this:

A goodly work, going on.

Which when she breaks open; she'le finde to be a blank:—Dost see Primrose, how these yellow Boys shine upon thee like so many little Suns.

I am heartily sorry, the gentlemen are come too late.

Ay do, be obstinate, and refuse; and become a Scandal to thy pro­fession, do, do.

Well; I'le take 'em for once, that your Master may not think me so ill-bred, as to refuse a Gentlemans kindness.

Wou'd I had thee, quoth he?—

To your post, to your post; yonder's my Lady; not a smile, a look, or the least token of familiarity.

Well friend, I must needs own your master is a non-parile at an Intrigue, we may see what great advantages may be reapt from travelling; without doubt he learn'd this Mistery at the French Court; 'tis so far out of the Common road of Amours.

Madam; what means your Ladyship?

Ha, ha, ha, poor Gentleman; he thought he lay secure under his disguise, ha, ha, ha.

Assist me once, good necessary Confidence; and blushes be as far from me, as sneaking ill-bred Modesty is usually from a Sister of my profes­sion:

Madam, I most humbly beg your pardon.

For what? is the wench mad?

I Confess Madam; I forg'd this Letter but now: but 'twas only to try how you stood affected towards Mr. Craftmore.

Well said little Matchiavil; I love and honour thee for this Choice gift of lying—

How! and durst you own it huswife!

Since 'twas Innocently design'd Madam, I purpos'd to disabuse your Ladiship, and beg your pardon

How cou'd you hope I wou'd grant it?

Upon the knowledge of the sweetness of your Ladyships temper.

Aye; tickle her there my little Cockatrice—glibly, glibly—stroak her gently and betray her with a smile, do, do.

And am I thus deceiv'd, and put upon by thee too?—Let me hear no more of these tricks, If you dare, go to your primitive Knitting Needles.

I promise your Ladyship, I shall be Cautious for the future in Cases of this Nature.

Ah, my dear little Devil; let me kiss and hug thee for this; I must confess I was Ignorant of thy great abilities before.

Sdeath Sirs what do you mean?

Now will I to my Lady, and this will Confirm her in the belief of what I told her, and that this is not Mr. Craftmore.

I beg you, by the panting Souls of those fair virgins that languish for you, put up your Swords.

Sir, you have wrong'd a friend of mine, and that in the highest na­ture; even in the right of his love; basely, in his absence.

I understand you not Sir:—I wish I knew the Gentleman; that I might give him personall satisfaction.

Had you not once a familiarty with one Craftmore?

Yes Sir; but no one dares think I wou'd print such eternall stains upon my honour; as to violate so profest a friendship.

Did you not attempt to Rival him in the Interest of his Love?

No Sir; upon my honour, no.

And to promote your own Amour, did you not (though you know no such thing) spread a false Report of his return?

Hell reward me if I did.

And taking this advantage of his absence; endeavour to seduce his Mistress from him.

No, Sir, no; perdition Seize me, if it ever enter'd into my thought.

Know Sir, then, that I am he.

Dear, dear, friend; wellcome, wellcome; ten thousand welcoms.

Dear Loveby forgive me.—

As freely as I hope for the pardon of my own Sins.

Upon the assurance of your pardon; I'le Inform you at a more Convenient time, of the Unhappy cause of this Jealousy;—this frenzy of mine;—why I us'd this disguise;—for what reasons I sent my Cousin Dorinda hither.—

How! what an Unlucky Dog am I; now am I asham'd to look her in the Face? —

—Dear Madam, your pardon for all my Rude­ness:—

Why, she put on this mask of Simplicity, and I pretended Court­ship to her.

Come Faith Ned; you was a little too blame, that you did not give Notice of your being in Town; but to go quits with you, you must know I have had some suspitions of you too; for when I perceiv'd this Lady's simplicity to be affected, I began to harbour dishonourable thoughts of you both, but now I'm Convinc'd of my Error, and beg you'd Intercede to her for me.

You had best try your own power first, Sir.

Encourag'd by you, dear Madam, I dare do much: And here I wou'd make a tender of my whole heart to you.

O Sir; I shall not be so unreasonable to expect, that you a person so generally receiv'd by the Ladies, can any more confine your self to one woman, then one bottle.

Madam, I confess I have been a Rover;—But 'tis like those that travell far thro' other Countrys to come to their own; but when they are there, they fix for ever:—Faith Madam 'twould be a charity in you to reclaim a wilde fellow.

The Experiment carries so much of danger in it, I dare not venture.

I Confess at first my design was dishonourable.

And how can I be assur'd 'tis other ways now?

To give you a Demonstration of it, I wou'd renounce my belove [...] liberty, for your sake, and venture even to marry you.

And Repent it the next morning, like a raw acquaintance that has been fuddled with you over night.

Dorinda, dissemble not any longer; give him your hand.

He had my heart before.

And now friend, I have one Request to you, that you wou'd assist me in my love, as I have you in yours.

I were unworthy else, dear friend—

How Primrose! Did you not say these Gentlemen were engag'd in a quarrell? Methinks 'tis a very loving one.—This Confirms me this is Craftmore; and all is a meer Sham you pretended but now.

What a turn is here? all's unravell'd again.—

—Believe me I've delt faithfully with your Ladyship.—

Curse on ill luck, here's your Mistress; Do you lead Dorinda off, and Immediately send me a note; wherein signify your Contempt of her, that you're lately arriv'd and marry'd to another.

Expect me in­stantly.

Ha, ha, ha Sir, you may stay;—ha, ha, ha!—Well, you're two of the quie [...]est Sons of Mars, I ever saw:—L [...]t me see: not so much as scratching of faces; or biting of thumbs;—prithee wench help me laugh.

I must do it, lest she suspect I am in the plot against her.

Your Ladyship is in a very gay humour.

Really Sir; tho' I must needs own 'twas a very Considerate thing of you, to prevent the effusion of Christian blood:—

You do not design to affront me: I shall leave you to the enjoy­ment of your humour.

Is one Mr. Loveby here?

Some people call me so, Sir.

Here's a note for you Sir.—

Dear Jack I've been hunting after thee these two days—there's not a Tavern has scap't me; I lodge at my Uncle Freelands, by the Temple.

You seem Concern'd.

Please you to reade it, I dare believe you'le be so too.

But hearing you was with a Cast Mistress of mine:

Tell Florella, that I and my Lady intend a visit within this half hour:—Oh hor­rid! your faithfull friend Edw. Craftmore.

Oh Inhumane Tyrant! a Turk, or a Cannibal wou'd have treated me more civilly.—

I cannot stay to hear you now Madam—But faith methinks this was somewhat cruelly done of my friend.

If I be not reveng'd,—But seriously I thought the Gentleman you parted from was Mr. Craftmore.

And that I presume was the cause of your laughter: 'tis not gene­rous to be of Counsell against my friend; but to serve you Madam, there is one way left yet; do you Sollicite young Bellamore; Muster up your female Arts; spread all your nets to entangle him.

I have already attempted it, and but for my folly, I had succeeded.

I can give you greater encouragement than you imagine: You know I made my Court to Dorinda, and at last with some difficulty, I pre­vail'd with her to hearken to Conditions: Bellamore perceiv'd it, and gave me a Challenge, which upon her Entreaties I declin'd, and seem'd to lay by all pretensions to her: Upon this he embrac'd me and styl'd me his Friend.

Now Madam, all's out; and you may finde, I am Innocent.

But I only pretended this friendship, that I might the more securely deprive him of his Mistress, so that if you win him, you make room for me, and Craftmore will be disappointed of his Insulting Revenge.

My Oracle; my better Angell.

I have some extraordinary business; and am in great hast at present: Servant, Madam.

If I can but win upon young Bellamore now.

O let Mr. Loveby alone for an Intrigue; I'le lay my life Madam this takes effect: For when he finds he is bobb'd of his Mistress, he'l be as eager [Page 55] to Revenge his wrongs as your Ladyship. If he boggles at Matrimony, 'tis but to give him a bond of Security; and he cannot refuse to own you.

So ho, ho; so ho, ho, ho—Why Toby; Couz. Sr. John, So ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho;—Confounded Dog Toby—Why Toby—To—by—To—by—

Is the Devil in your throat? we shall have you alarm the posse of some Six of the Neighbouring parishes, anon; and they'l be charging you with rotten Eggs and turnip-tops;—I have been trying to force the door, but in vain;—there's no other means for your escape, then by this friendly rope. Clap it a-cross one of the bars, and

throw me down the end again.

Mercy on us wench; what luggage of old Iron-work? what Hero Burlesquid have we yonder?

Your humble admirer, Madam; your Country-gallant of much land Acres.

Is it that horse-load of a fool; let's stand aside a little and expect the event of this Adventure.

Udsfoot Toby, be sure hold fast:—

I warrant you, you shall come down as swimmingly as a Cat from a Tower in a high winde, with Bladders at her feet: (Alons Monsieur.

Prethee have a care, if I should chance to fall—

Your bones wou'd make but a sorry Anatomy you'de say, away with it.

Heavens Sir, your Cousen Sir John; we must disappear—vanish.

Udsneaks, so I will.

I kiss your fair hands, Madam.

You are in a gay humour Sir John—What means the conceited Fop.

All things are prepar'd for the Solemnity, Madam: I know you need not be directed in bestowing your favours; when there's a certain per­son of some quality, whose merits justly lay claim to 'em. There's a certain Jewell, Madam, you wear about you, of too great worth to be soil'd by ful­some dull Matrimony, and I am convinc'd it is as good as lost if you bestow on one that can't set a true value on it. I have had the keeping of some scores of young Ladies; they knew me for a person responsable, and fit to be trusted with the treasure:—Confound me Madam, you must not, shall not, cannot deny me.

I'le fit you for this Essence-bottle—But I'm resolv'd now to car­ry on the humour;

Dear Sr. John my blushes speak too much the lan­guage of my heart.

I know Madam, you could not withstand my jantee Insinuating way.

Attribute it I beseech you to your Irresistable Charms, and let not my weakness be an occasion of a Publick Tryumph;—Please you to walk with my Woman; she'l conduct you where I'le instantly follow—

Dissolute Coxcomb: But I'le be even with the old Fool since he will be medling.

I led him to my old Lady Fancifulls Chamber, and 'twas darken'd to Embolden her Squire whom she had appointed to meet there: I had planted old Waspish under the Bed before, having possessed him, your Lady­ship design'd to marry him privately; and there he lies in expectation of you, playing Bo-peep: thinking when you appear, to surprize you with the humour.

We shall have admirable sport, Wench.

I protest, she stays Immoderately, Udsbodikins my back's al­most broke.

Oh I hear some-body; it must be she: Dear Madam, where are you?

Here, here Sir, softly.

My life, my Soul, my Joy:—This is kinde, where's the Bed?

O Don't talk so, good Sir, I tremble to hear you.

Confound me; I fear some old hag has practis'd upon me, me­thinks I finde an aversion in my Love.

Now whilst they're in the very height of Expectation, I'le let the light in upon 'em—ha, ha, ha! I shall burst with laughing.

What's here a Succubus: Old Heccuba, is it you? You must like her undergo the Metamorphosis, if you'l have your desires Satisfy'd.

I scorn your base dishonourable Actions, but for my vertue and honour, you'd offer'd violence to my body, foul Ravisher.

Snoons, treachery, Murther, Curs'd Florella, Damn'd Primrose, I'm betray'd, I'm abus'd, grant me patience, snoons.

This is excellent Diversion, ha, ha, ha.

Foh, I shall not be sweet again these two moneths:

I have been gallanted by abundance of fine Persons seriously,—But I defy the best of them to say he ever had his beastly will of me.

I hate an old fool I Gad,—foh—

Affected old Coxcomb: I'm resolv'd I'le rid my hands of 'em all. Go you and Cajole that old Fool yonder; let me alone with this.

Madam, you might have pick'd out some easy credulous Fop to have made a Cully of, there are fools enough in the Town

Think you Sir, I'd expose my honour to the Censure of that Fancifull—tho' I value your love above all things;—yet pardon me if I was so discreet as to preserve my Reputation.

Revenge is low and vulgar; know Madam, there are a thousand Beauties; sigh, languish, burn and dye; to taste those Joys, you might have surfeited on. I'le Immediately to my Cousin, whom I have lock'd up from the violent attacques of that termagant Fancifull: But I'le now Enlarge him, and Consummate the Match between you, and then Madam you lie at my Devotion.

Snoons; not a word yet, not a word yet; I'le be Reveng'd, Snoons, snoons.

My Lady bad me tell you, she's extreamly sorry for this Disap­pointment, and is come to beg pardon.

Sir, 'twas my unhappiness this unlucky accident fell out;—But please you to walk with me, I have a Parson within shall make me yours for ever.

Udsbodikins; say you so, I protest, say you so, very well, very well—Come then, pretty Mrs. Florry, I'm Impatient, Udsbodikins, come, Mrs. Florry, come, come.

Udsfoot, 'twas well my Cousin Sr. John mist me: What forsooth you thought to make a noddy of me, Udsneaks, there's old Waspish;—I'le bully him. Hum, buzz—

How, how, Udsbodikins what means this?

Mum Budget—

Confounded villain; he affronts me, Snoons. Let me go, Snoons, Revenge, Snoons.

Should Sr. John have met with him now, I'm lost for ever. O he is here.

—Sweet Sir., I thought you wou'd not have disappointed me so.

Nay forsooth I must confess I was woundily in fault; but I was lock's [Page 58] up by my Cousin Sr. John; and after Toby had Releas'd me, by his advice, I scamper'd off to secure me from him; we have plotted a woundy revenge a­gainst him Udsfoot: and to let you know what 'tis; I'm resolv'd to marry you forsooth!

Oh heav'ns!——

Udsfoot you shall not deny me; If you do I shall be terrible angry: hum, hum, hum,

Toby has procur'd a Parson within on purpose.

Oh happy day! O promising hour of balmy pleasures; Oh how my heart throbs and trembles with the impetuous Sallies of my blood—

Come along forsooth; I'de give an hundred pounds to meet my Cou­sin Sr. John now, I cou'd be monstrously valiant Udsfoot, hum, hum, hum!—

What, have you nooz'd your Fool?

I cannot answer positively; but by this he's in the hands of a Cano­nicall retailer, a Marriage-Broker; a fellow that will go through-stitch, with his work.

I expect Florella here Instantly: Yonder she is I think.

Pray heav'ns it prove a fit season to sow the Seed of Love

Base treacherous Villain: and am I now betray'd? was this his pretended friendship?

Faithless Inhumane Craftmore; are all his mighty Boastings come to this. Protestations and vows were only made by him I finde to be broke again: O Faithless Deserter, who now glories in his guilt and triumphs in my wrongs.

Madam; I perceive your misfortunes hold something of proportion with those of mine.

If I may believe what you have utter'd; the killing Circumstances are just the same.

So, so, they begin to close;—You're made for ever you little Dog Toby; down on your Marrow-bones, Sirrah.

Wou'd you Contribute to the designe; there might be some ways found out yet to lessen our miseries, at least. Suppose a Lady of a plentifull fortune, and a tollerable face, shou'd fly to you for protection, you cou'd not sure be so cruell as to refuse her.

She's my own, if she hold on thus.

Faith, Madam, I think not, was I sure she wou'd take no advantage of it.

Pardon me Sir, if I lay by the Modesty of my Sex;—Then I beg, I intreat you wou'd own me; and to secure you, take this In it is contain'd all that can Entitle me to an Estate.

And this Madam, you deliver into my hands, to Justify the right I have to your Ladyship.

Yes Sir.

I thank you kindly, Madam, I have Caught you at last. I faith—now let your faithless disloyall Lover enter.

O I shall never brook the sight of him I fear:

I warrant you Madam:—ha, ha, ha!

What mean you Sir?

Come Madam; look upon him; he's no such terrible man.

I understand you not.

I hope my fickle Mistress that neither this my disguise, nor long sick­ness caus'd by your unkindness, nor the distant Clime to which I was banish'd by your capricious humours, can have render'd me a stranger to your eyes.

Oh heavens, Craftmore:

—O Sir, is this your trick?—but you cannot:—

Nay, nay, humoursome Mistress; you cannot fall off now; here is my man has over-heard all.

Yes, I gad Madam; and can swear bloodily up to the point.

And am I over-reach't?—what was't blinded me thus?

Dear friend much Joy to you.

And may I not say as much to your Ladyship?

Betray'd on all sides; You may thank your Policy, or you had done pennance for the other two years.

If you Command it, I cannot but obey you, Madam.

Hem, hem!—well, this Matrimony is a most delicious, a very en­livening thing seriously;—hem.

Gentlemen and Ladies your Servant—I cannot finde my Kinsman, Madam.

Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; how do you like me now, Couz, Sr. John?

Ha! what wou'd the Impertinent Blockhead have? he is not ty'd to that Chymera; and Madam, am I depriv'd of you too, and all my pro­mis'd Joys? where are the writings I trusted you with? you may keep your fool but not a groat Estate.

They're in safe hands; ne're stir, Cousin Sr. John: I scorn your af­fronts; Marriage is honourable; how do you like me now?

They may be forth coming upon weighty Considerations: Seal, signe and deliver;—

To threescore pounds, do you hear?

Then here are the writings Sir; when you quitted your pretentions, the Guardianship devolv'd upon Sir, your humble Servant.

Udsfoot Toby; we have out-witted my Cousin Sr. John most woun­dily, hea Toby:—

So, so, Mrs. Florry; 'tis very well; protest, the old Snake has Cast his Skin; I'm twenty years younger then I was, Udsbodikins I am; You little leering, fleering, wriggling giggling Fubs you: Come kiss me, Uds­bodikins, come, kiss your husband Mrs. Flory.—

Much joy to you, Sir; now you may go suck the sweets of your Primrose.

How, how, I protest, Snoons, Snoons, treachery, treachery, I'm undone, undone; That Witch, Devil Florella, Carion, Strumpet Primrose: I'le Poyson my self, Cut my throat, and leave my Estate to the King; Snoons, Snoons.

This is all trick, and very pleasant I'faith.

What coupling here has been

What will you give me to Release you Sir?

Any thing in the world; make thy own proposals—ruin'd, ruin'd.

Sign but this writing here, Sir.

Ay I protest with all my heart.

Know Sir, this was the Parson, and this is the habit, in which he marry'd us.

You had the first fruits of my Deaconship, I assure ye Sir.

A Dog, Confounded Villain; I protest I'le put you in the Bishops Court; I'le make you do pennance for this, Snoons, snoons,

Well Primrose suppose thee and I should play the fool, and commit Matrimony.

That word has a Charm in it, not to be resisted; by a poor help­less solitary Maid.

Agree'd then wench; our virtuous Industry has procur'd us enough to rent a single room; and may all in good time bring Mr. Toby to some re­verend office in his ward.

For the service done me, I'le make your life easy to you

I thank you Sir.

Come Sir, you are not to stir till you have shook off your ill hu­mours by a Dance.

Well Sir; you have been too hard for me at last, but it is some pleasure to see my revenge on that brace of old Coxcombs.